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`` not yet , '' i reply .
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`` though i 've convinced myself that every brown-haired guy i 've seen from the back is him . ''
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`` that 's normal , '' my mom assures me .
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`` you 'll see him everywhere for a while .
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but it will pass soon , my darling .
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i promise . ''
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chapter twenty-nine realizing i now have the evening off , i take a deep breath and call allison .
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i 'm still in a daze , but i want to share my good fortune with her and miriam .
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allison and i have n't talked since our argument over the summer , so i 'm relieved when she accepts my invitation on behalf of both of them .
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i pick a rather fancy restaurant , and assure her that it 's my treat .
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half an hour later , i 'm walking out of my room in a light summer dress-the weather here in virginia is still sweltering , even though it 's september .
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i walk slowly across the quad to the off-campus restaurant , trying not to work up a sweat .
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i watch a group of freshmen girls giggling as they head out for a group dinner .
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new hall mates , no doubt .
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i remember how nervous i was my first year here , worrying that i would n't make any more friends than i did in high school .
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my insides contract as i pass the spot where i first saw nate crossing the grass , just a couple weeks into my freshman year .
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i shake my head at myself .
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i have to forget him .
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when i reach the restaurant , an upscale mexican place known for its flavored margaritas , i 'm relieved to feel the ac hit me .
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the hostess smiles at me just as i see allison sitting in a booth by herself .
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she stands with a nervous smile and i walk over .
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`` i hope you do n't mind , '' she murmurs as we hug awkwardly .
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`` i sort of lied to miriam and told her you pushed back dinner by fifteen minutes so we 'd have a chance to talk . ''
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a short bark of laughter escapes my mouth .
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`` i do n't know if i 've ever heard you lie before . ''
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to my surprise , she blushes as we sit down across from each other .
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`` well , i 've been thinking about what you said ... about my being judgmental ... and maybe i am a bit of , you know , a goody two-shoes .
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maybe i need to loosen up a little .
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what i 'm trying to say is , i 'm sorry for what i said . ''
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i reach over and place my hand over hers .
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`` thanks .
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it means a lot to hear you say that .
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i 've hated not talking to you . ''
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`` me too , '' she replies .
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i see her glance over my shoulder .
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`` and here i thought i was early ! ''
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i hear miriam say .
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i stand up to give her a hug .
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`` i see you two have synced your watches , being in the same city together all summer !
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ugh , i was so jealous ! ''
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she sits down with a dramatic sigh in the booth next to allison , her bright red hair falling onto her shoulder .
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`` so .
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catch me up on everything that 's been happening . ''
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to my horror , i begin to tear up .
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`` oh , god , sorry , '' i murmur , reaching for a napkin .
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`` what 's wrong ? ''
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allison gasps .
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the waiter walks over and is about to ask for our drink orders but they wave him away .
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`` it 's ... it 's ... '' i grab a napkin to hide my face and try to take deep breaths .
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`` is it a boy ? ''
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miriam guesses .
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i nod .
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`` nate . ''
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`` wait , wait ... not your stepbrother ? ''
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she asks incredulously .
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allison glances at me and i nod at her .
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she turns to miriam .
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`` they started , you know , seeing each other over the summer ... but i guess something happened , '' she fills miriam in .
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`` long story short , '' i say , catching my breath .
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`` pierce is a jerk , our parents got divorced , and we broke up . ''
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`` wow , '' miriam breathes , her eyes wide .
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`` you had quite the summer . ''
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`` tell me about it , '' i say with a wry smile .
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`` i could really use a drink . ''
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allison flags down the waiter , and by the time our first round has arrived , my tears have stopped .
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`` so , can i tell you guys my own secret ? ''
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miriam asks , leaning over the table conspiratorially .
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allison and i nod .
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`` i had sex ! ''
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`` oh , god , now i 'm the only virgin , '' allison moans .
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`` how was it ? ''
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`` honestly ... not that great the first time .
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but the third time , i think i had an orgasm , '' miriam whispers .
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`` you think ? ''
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allison asks , cocking her head in confusion .
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`` yeah , i think .
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what about you , brynn ? ''
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`` what ? ''
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`` did you and nate ... '' she trails off suggestively .
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`` um , yes . ''
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`` and ? ''
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allison leans forward .
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my heartbeat quickens at the memory of his touch before sadness washes over me .
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i shake my head .
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`` i 'd rather not think about it . ''
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i finish the rest of the dinner trying to engage in the conversation , but knowing that i 'm often forcing the smile on my face .
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allison and miriam do their best to raise my spirits , and i try to act excited about classes starting on monday , but my mind , and my heart , are n't quite in it .
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after i pay the bill , allison and miriam volunteer to walk me back to my room , but i demur , feeling like a walk by myself before bed .
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after i hug them goodbye , i stroll along the edge of campus , watching all the action unfold as everyone enjoys the last weekend free of homework .
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it 's not long before i realize my feet are leading me past the crew house .
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just a quick look , i tell myself .
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i begin to walk more slowly as i see it up the street .
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the lights are on inside the house , and i can see some people hanging out on the front porch .
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the late summer night has just darkened , and i stand under a street light peering up at the house .
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i can see several of the crew guys up there , and a petite blonde leaning on the railing with her back toward me .
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the front door swings open and i press my lips together as i see nate walk out with two bottles of beer in his hand .
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he 's so close ... just across the street and up the hill , and yet i ca n't be with him , this person with whom i 've shared such intimate moments .
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my heart stops as he smiles at the blonde .
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it ca n't be ... he ca n't have moved on already .
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but there he is , offering her one of the beers , and sitting down next to her on the railing and wrapping an arm around her shoulders .
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