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i 'm not interested in your chips , '' i say , standing before him on the landing .
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`` i just wanted to know if we 're on speaking terms again now or what . ''
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`` what do you mean , sis ? ''
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he asks , ripping open the bag and popping a chip into his mouth .
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this boy can even making chewing sexy .
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goddamn him .
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`` i mean ... are you done giving me the cold shoulder ? ''
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i press him .
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`` you 've been avoiding me since that party the other night .
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when we- '' `` whoa , whoa , '' emerson chuckles .
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`` you are way paranoid .
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i have n't been avoiding you .
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i just have n't noticed you .
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there 's been other shit going on .
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and you 're pretty easy to miss . ''
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`` bullshit , '' i snap , taking a step toward him .
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`` i know you 've been going out of your way not to see me ever since that stupid game in the closet .
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something ... happened between us , and- '' `` i do n't know what you 're talking about , '' he says , the joking laughter fading from his voice .
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`` but i do know that i do n't want to hear another word about it out of you .
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ok ? ''
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`` you ca n't just pretend that nothing happened ! ''
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i cry out , exasperated .
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`` keep your voice down , '' he growls , glancing down at the kitchen where our parents are still talking in hushed tones .
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`` i wo n't .
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not unless we can have a real conversation about this , '' i say at full volume , crossing my arms .
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`` you owe me that , at least . ''
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`` you are so fucking impossible , '' he says , shoving a hand through his chestnut hair .
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`` ok. fine .
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you wan na take a drive or something ?
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will that shut you up ? ''
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despite the context of his offer , my stomach still does a thrilled somersault at the idea of being alone with him .
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`` sure , '' i say , `` let 's hit the road .
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bro . ''
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`` i hope you know i 'm just using you as an excuse to get out of this house again , '' he grumbles , dropping the chips onto the floor and storming off down the stairs .
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i follow right behind him , wondering whether or not he 's fucking with me .
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at this moment , it does n't much matter .
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i 'm just happy that he 's speaking to me again at all .
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you 're just pathetic , i berate myself silently .
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berating myself is something i 'm pretty great at-i have a lot practice .
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`` are you leaving again already ? ''
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deb cries from the kitchen as we try to make our exit .
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`` you just got home ! ''
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`` yes mother , '' emerson sighs , in his most over-the-top cordial voice .
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`` abigail and i are going to take a spin around town .
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take in some fresh air .
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cheerio ! ''
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`` oh .
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well .
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good .
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you guys are spending some time together , '' deb says uncertainly .
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`` um .
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be back ... sometime ? ''
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`` will do ! ''
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emerson says , tipping an imaginary hat to our parents .
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i step out the door after him , shaking my head in amused befuddlement .
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`` and i 'm the weirdo , right ? ''
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i laugh .
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`` have n't you figured it out yet , sis ? ''
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he says , striding over to the beat up chevy parked in the driveway .
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`` we 're both weirdoes , you and me .
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get in the car . ''
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i trundle into the front seat , trying not to gawk as i settle in .
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i 've never been allowed in emerson 's car before .
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true , he and his mother have only been living with us for a few weeks .
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but still .
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being admitted into this `` sacred vessel '' of his feels pretty significant .
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it 's all i can do to keep myself from caressing the worn out leather seats , the dusty dashboard , as if this car were a shrine to the boy i 'm crazy for .
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`` so .
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what kind of shit do big brothers do with their little sisters ? ''
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he asks , rolling down his window and lighting up a smoke .
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`` want me to take you to the playground or something ? ''
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`` no .
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but you could bum me a cigarette , to begin with , '' i say lightly .
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`` you do n't smoke , '' emerson scoffs , looking over at me sharply .
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`` not anymore .
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but i did , '' i inform him .
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`` no fucking way , '' he says , narrowing his eyes .
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`` yes fucking way , i assure you , '' i reply .
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`` come on .
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gim me one . ''
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`` if you do n't mind my saying , '' he goes on , passing me his pack of camels and a lighter , `` smoking does n't really seem like your kind of thing . ''
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`` there are lots of things you do n't know about me , emerson , '' i reply , plucking out a cigarette and lighting it up .
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`` but if you 're real nice to me , i might just tell you a couple . ''
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he stares at me for a long , silent moment .
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the same look he trained on me the night of the party-in the closet when i handed him my panties , when he caught me in his arms after i fell-is there in his eyes again now .
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i do my best to draw deep breaths , hoping he ca n't read my thoughts .
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my desires .
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but instead of giving me any sort of clue as to what he 's thinking , he just starts the car and drives off toward town .
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we zoom along in silence , unsure of what to say .
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or at least , i 'm unsure .
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maybe he just does n't care to spare any words on me .
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after a while , he flips on the car radio .
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a song by the foo fighters comes on , and i sit up a little in my seat .
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they 're one of my favorite bands-just heavy enough for my taste .
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i start singing along , nodding my head with the beat .
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emerson lets out a short , surprised laugh .
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`` would have taken you for more of a taylor swift kind of girl , '' he says over the music .
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`` but i 'm not supposed to make assumptions about you anymore , right ? ''
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`` that 's right , '' i smile .
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`` can i at least assume that you 'll want dinner at some point tonight ? ''
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