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lot of time watching or making frequent furtive glances at dominant members of their troop
In experimental settings male monkeys are willing to give up precious juice to view pictures of
two things female hindquarters not surprisingly and dominant males In the wild
monkeys constantly inspect the dominants watching their every move and often giving them
their full attention Scientists suppose that this behavior plays a role in the acquisition of
important social cues
People do this as well Have you noticed your tendency to search out highstatus members
of the same sex and observe them jealously Do you seek out pictures of female hindquarters
and buff dudes on social media Dont secretly worship the bodybuilders the CEOs the fitness
models or the celebrities Giving them undue attention keeps you locked in a hierarchical
mindset so dont pay them any more attention than you would anyone else
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body
Have Compassion for Your Transgressors
If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each persons life sorrow and suffering
enough to disarm any hostility Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
In your mind think of discourteous people as unsophisticated people Remember that the most
offensive ones are likely to have had extreme life challenges such as early trauma or abuse
Further inappropriate aggression can be a symptom of brain damage PTSD or a range of
neurological or psychological disorders When someone is inconsiderate remind yourself that
they may have serious maladjustments and that more often than not they could use your
help Everyone is a jerk in their own eccentric way due to their unique pattern of deficits in
social intelligence Dont be surprised or upset by their idiosyncratic manner of being
discourteous just because you havent gotten used to it yet Most people realize that they are
rough around the edges Many even want to change but find it difficult or do not understand
how Unfortunately their uncouth behavior causes people to be rude back to them
perpetuating their problem We dont want to perpetuate peoples issues We want to help
resolve them
Aggression derives from weakness pain unfortunate experiences and mental
shortcomings so we should respond to it with empathy Those who want to humiliate others
have low selfesteem themselves It is sad that their priorities judgments and word choices are
impoverished Had you experienced everything they did perhaps you would have turned out
just like them Think of quarrelsome people as flamboyant actors who are suffering offstage
Most everyone is a sob story and we are all walking wounded Dont let wounds beget more
wounds Everyone you dislike just needs a little recognition validation and friendliness When
you give them a chance odds are they will end up making you revise your opinion of them
Another thing we should keep in mind is that what we take to be premeditated personal
affronts tend to be defense mechanisms or even more innocuously coping mechanisms
Most difficult people do things out of desperation because their sympathetic nervous system
is set too high People who are short of breath shaken and choked up lash out That is what
they do Almost everything that you dont like about people is just them trying ineffectively
to maintain their dignity Work around them if you have to but help them if you can Let your
natural assertiveness and your compassion for them work together
Anger and Rage
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty Proverbs
The brains rage system starts at the medial areas of the amygdala that perceive angerinducing
stimuli From there they proceed to the areas that act on anger including the stria terminalis
the medial hypothalamus and the periaqueductal gray Certain stimuli from the environment
naturally increase electrical activity in these areas physical restriction pain hunger
and thwarted desires You can see how these incendiary stimuli are similar to those that evoke
fear in the amygdala eg loud sounds and fast movement As with fear adrenaline cortisol
and pain heighten anger whereas endorphins oxytocin and serotonin halt it
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict
In all mammals that have been tested rage can be evoked by electrically stimulating these
brain areas We know they find it aversive because lab animals will go to lengths to avoid
electrical stimulation of the rage system When the electrodes in their rage circuit are fed a
current the animal will spring toward whatever object is in front of it and bite The attack
becomes more intense as the current is increased Humans report that the stimulation of rage
via electrodes placed in the brain is a terrible experience They tend to clench their jaw and
sneering muscles and report feelings of intense hatred
Electrical stimulation of rage causes smallbrained mammals like mice to attack inanimate
objects More intelligent mammals like cats and dogs wont attack an object because they
understand that this is meaningless but they will attack the nearest living animal Primates
show a further level of abstraction Stimulating the rage system in apes and monkeys will cause
them to vent their rage toward animals below them in the hierarchy but not above
A monkey whose rage system is persistently stimulated will ascend in rank An animal
whose rage system is physically damaged in the lab septal lesioning will become tame and
descend in rank This suggests that we dont want to completely suppress anger However
many of us were expected to suppress all outward manifestations of anger by our parents and
teachers believe that many people fall down the well of anxiety simply because they are
reluctant to demonstrate anger Convince yourself that it is fine to use anger in the form of
righteous indignation to stand up for yourself or what you believe in In Exercise we
discovered how briefly feigning anger can clear fear from your face Used in the next exercise it
will clear it from your chest
Conflict Activity Briefly Feign Anger to Overcome Fear
The next time you anticipate anxiety or experience intimidation from social conflict use anger
to overcome it Imagine even if just for seconds that you are very angry at the other
person You might be enraged at everyone in the boardroom Without letting your blood
pressure rise or wanting to attack them flip the tables by allowing the anger to drain every
ounce of fear from you Then reengage without either anger or fear
Anger erases social anxiety because when you are angry you stop caring about what other
people think and about the intricate hierarchical games of judgment evaluation and
apprehension For those few seconds you are ready to throw it all out of the window Even a
brief flash of anger lasting seconds will harden you making you callous unsympathetic and
allowing you to start over with renewed composure Sometimes just reminding yourself that
you are capable of feeling angry and expressing anger in front of others can give you the
confidence you need to be assertive
Dont expect people to read your mind or recognize when things are not in your favor
If something bothers you speak up Dont be afraid to ask for what you want Say what you
want to say You should be at a point in your life where you dont feel like you have to act like
anybody but yourself Make sure that you establish nonnegotiable boundaries Dont tolerate
intrusions upon your health family morals or psychological wellbeing Keep in mind
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body
though that you must take responsibility if your assertive words or actions ruffle other
peoples feathers
Extreme anger in animals is often called a redzone case You cannot reason with an
animal whose rage circuit is fully active It is so focused that injuring it will only intensify its
ferocity Its objective to kill overpowers any pain you might inflict It would rather die than
cease its attack When the rage circuit is activated in a human you cannot argue or reason with
them Their bodily pain launches a sustained uninhibited verbal offensive Dont ever feel like
you have to pit yours against theirs Rather when someone gets angry at you think of it as an