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opportunity to explain your true intentions and give them the information they need to feel less |
threatened There is a good chance that their accusation is totally valid given that they dont |
have the information they need to see it from your point of view Also a person cannot stay |
mad at you if you dont get defensive Like a truly dominant mammal tackle the situation with |
assertion not infuriation |
In Chapter we learned that the neurological systems for predation and aggression are |
distinct When a predatory mammal attacks prey its rage circuit is entirely inactive However |
when a mammal attacks a member of its species out of anger the rage circuit lights up Be a |
person that doesnt attack members of its species Rather attack the misunderstanding at |
hand Imagine being a cat stalking in the grass without an ounce of anger or aggression |
aroused calmly approaching your prey completely naive of negative intent Wouldnt it be |
more effective to use this manner in a hostile social situation than outrage or defensiveness |
You might ask whether avoiding anger will cause suppressed emotion It is commonly |
supposed that if people suppress anger toward others they will end up bottling it all inside |
But this act of bottling is equivalent to nothing more than muscle tension something you have |
now been trained to recognize and release As long as you do not start bracing and continue to |
breathe diaphragmatically you are not suppressing anger You are deflecting it And this is |
healthy As any endocrinologist will tell you getting angry is like taking a small dose of slow |
acting poison It raises blood pressure strains the heart damages arteries and causes |
cholesterolfilled fat cells to empty into the bloodstream |
As with fear every time you become adversarial the emotion fortifies related brain |
pathways making you a more petulant person Every time you indulge in negativity you |
encourage tiny incremental alterations in your neural architecture that make it harder to be |
positive Conversely every time you transcend anger your capability to rise above it is |
increased So the next time you find yourself using your imagination to plan a tirade or spew |
venom just stop and move on to something else |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
Ilustration A Gorillas fighting B Dogs fighting C Dog with tail between the legs |
Use Proximity Touch and Eye Contact for Reconciliation |
Physical conflicts are frequent in both monkeys and apes Heart rates skyrocket suppressed |
anger is unleashed and the fur can fly What happens afterward is what is important Most |
conflicts even violent ones dont create distance because the animals tend to be intimate soon |
after the aggressive incident They want to make up As with our huntergatherer ancestors |
chimps in a troop are usually stuck with each other so reconciliation is necessary |
After a fight chimps first seek out eye contact The former opponents may sit opposite |
each other for minutes or more trying to catch the others eye One makes the first |
conciliatory move holds out a hand pants in a friendly way then approaches for mutual |
grooming Sometimes within a minute of a fight apes will rush toward each other kiss |
embrace fervently and then proceed to groom each other and even lick each others wounds |
This close physical contact is what makes reconciliation possible |
As they groom and make up their heart rates and breathing rates return to ordinary levels |
If the two primates dont spend time in close proximity giving their hearts a chance to calm |
down in each others presence they may never salvage their relationship Think of some people |
that you have trouble getting along with How do you make up with them after a spat Failure |
to reconcile may stem from the fact that you have not made time to decrease your |
cardiorespiratory output in their immediate presence If you have relationships that you want |
to heal all it may take is a oneonone chillout session involving togetherness eye contact |
physical touch and mutual diaphragmatic breathing |
Making Your CalmAssertive Energy Composed and Nonconfrontational |
Animal trainer Cesar Millan uses the term calmassertive energy to describe the aura of a |
pack leader In his book Cesars Way he underscores that when an owner leverages this aura |
with their pets it convinces them to trust and value the owners authority He explains how |
even a small child can gain command over a pound Pitbull if they exude calmassertive |
energy To wield it you must appear austere like you have strong expectations that others will |
respect your boundaries |
Millan explains that your pet dog does not want to be your equal It either wants to be |
dominant or inferior He describes how most problem dogs that he treats try to assert their |
dominance over their doting owners Dominance displays used by pet dogs include jumping at |
people insisting on being fed being the first out the door pulling the owner by the leash |
during walks excessive barking being unresponsive to commands and many others They tend |
to develop these behaviors when their owner is neither calm nor assertive |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
Most dogs will gladly accept their owners dominance unless they believe that the owners |
energy is too weak Dogs know that when a leader has wimpy energy the pack is |
compromised For its safety and your protection it will try to pick up the slack by asserting its |
dominance The same goes for children Many wellintentioned parents are unwittingly |
submissive to their offspring and end up with aggressive frustrated kids The same goes for |
everyone in your life If you are not using calmassertive energy they will want to keep you |
down so that you dont compromise the chain of command that is so important to survival |
Thus your coworkers friends and family have instincts that tell them they dont want to be |
your equal Because they want the tribe to have the most strongminded leader they prefer to |
either lead or follow someone stronger |
Near the end of his book The Ape in the Corner Office Richard Conniff concludes Status |
competition and hierarchy are inescapable facts of primate life Though we disparage them |
they are also essential tools for encouraging high performance and domestic tranquility He is |
right When the pecking order is stable in groups of chickens the hens fight less and lay more |
eggs Fighting is vastly reduced in chimps where the dominance hierarchy is established This is |
also true in humans For example when dominance roles are well defined in a business merger |
it usually goes smoothly but if roles are left undefined there is much more friction Conniff |
believes that prosocial dominance is what we should strive for To him it is about making |
friends employing compromise and persuasion and getting people to work with you toward |
common goals and the better good |
mostly agree with Conniff But have this to add Let us make our posture and body |
language as stable and secure as possible our speech as rational and friendly as possible |
Beyond this let us not try to force our eminence on anyone Instead we should let others make |
inferences about relative dominance without attempting to persuade them or twist their arm |
Thus recommend using calmassertive energy combined with a nondominatingnon |
submissive demeanor to convince others against their instincts that the best strategy is to be |
equals think that these comparisons with animal behavior suggest a golden rule of social |
hierarchy Treat others as if they are neither above you nor below you in the status hierarchy |
and as if they have never done anything wrong We will build on this in the next section |
Forgiving Transgression |
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend Abraham Lincoln |
Although think we should be quick to forgive we must let wrongdoers know what they did |
was unacceptable If someone wrongs you address it assertively and immediately Tell them |
which of your boundaries they crossed and by how much Even tell them exactly how you |
expect them to proceed However if they are not doing anything wrong in the next moment |
treat them as if they have never done anything wrong in their life This proves to them that you |
trust them to improve This involves not saying things like You never listen to me Youre |
always doing that You dont care about anyone else and Youll never change Keeping |
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