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score or holding grudges only leads to bitterness on both sides |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
Conflict Activity Treat Others as if They Have Never Done Wrong |
Imagine what it would be like to treat everyone in your life as if they had never done |
anything bad hurtful or thoughtless Imagine relating to each person as an equal and a |
trusted soulmate that has never harmed or insulted you in any way Imagine your parents |
this way followed by your siblings extended family friends children coworkerseveryone |
Start over with a clean slate Even better throw the slate away and stop keeping tallies This |
will free you from the encumbrance of having to keep score withhold affection and mete |
out extended punishments Doing so can play a massive role in making relationships more |
peaceable and equitable |
Dont Punish Because People Dont Sympathize with Your Aggression |
No one is going to perceive your anger as valid if it is directed toward them Even if you feel like |
you are justified in getting angry as long as it is directed toward them they will perform |
whatever mental gymnastics necessary to frame you as the victimizer You may see your |
actions as retaliation but they see it as arbitrary abuse That is why dont chastise even when |
have a clear opportunity Resorting to belligerent tactics is the best way to provide an |
antagonist with more ammunition Also keep in mind that every time you get upset a negative |
part of the other person wins Every time you keep your cool that same part is diminished |
Punishment is not a sustainable way to get what we want out of people Rewarding them with |
stern attention compassion and love is |
When someone acts rude treat them as an animal that you are training that has not |
performed a trick properly Anyone that has trained a pet knows that you withhold the food |
you wait you keep talking to it and you just give it another chance You dont take punitive |
action against the animal unless it has physically harmed you or someone else It is not our |
place to punish anyone unless they have physically harmed us Cultivate the same kind of |
patience with people that you might use with an abused pet Be a lenient but firm master |
Recognize Psychopathy in Yourself and Others |
In computer science there is a concept known as device hardening by which a computers |
vulnerabilities are reduced by various means These constrain the available methods of attack |
by hackers and viruses Such methods include changing default passwords disabling |
unnecessary services applying patches closing network ports and setting up firewalls and |
intrusion prevention systems Reading this book has put you through a process of hardening |
The exercises provide stress tests and stress proofing You have been fortified and the |
vulnerabilities in your head thorax and abdomen will continue to be reduced as long as you |
take part in the exercises This hardening process has strengthened you but also made you |
susceptible to psychopathic behavior This is why want to address the nature of psychopathy |
so that some readers do not let their newfound composure corrupt them |
In this section will try to convince you that we have something to learn from the |
psychopath They have a form of strength that we want for ourselves but also a tendency to |
hurt others which we dont Lets start by describing what we dont want Psychopathy is a |
personality disorder characterized by bold disinhibited behavior as well as impaired empathy |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
and remorse Many psychopaths are serial bullies They often parasitize the people around |
them constantly committing offenses many of which are nonarrestable They exhibit |
Machiavellian selfinterest and are often not concerned with the psychological damage they |
inflict on their targets They are frequently negativistic impatient intemperate embittered |
oppositional overcompetitive petulant and meanspirited They can be easily slighted quickly |
disillusioned and have a penchant for wanting to punish others They use pain as an instrument |
of power and leave people worse off than they found them We dont want to follow suit |
The people that know personally on the psychopathy spectrum set people up to cross |
their lines of decency so that they can retaliate They love their mean personality They think |
that it is smart witty and cool But no one that know who is proud of being mean is |
respectable And know several They are all socially disabled hypocrites They all cross their |
close friends and family more than anyone else and their behavior inevitably results in tragedy |
Psychopaths make up only around of the population However each of us can become |
psychopathic in certain contexts People are more likely to callously abuse others in situations |
when they become angry or when they believe they are dominant When someone is calmly |
rude to you they are attempting to be a cat toying with a mouse In other words they are |
trying to build the experience of being a predator with a total disregard for how it might be |
affecting you Never let yourself be that mouse If someone is psychopathic with you think it |
is fair to be psychopathic back In the next few paragraphs will explain what mean that it is |
fair to be without empathy although not sadistic |
The research literature on the psychology and neuroscience of psychopathy is extensive |
To boil it down psychopaths exhibit alterations in emotional brain areas that cause them to be |
callous and fearless Interestingly their amygdala can be utterly unresponsive to many types of |
social stressors Psychopaths have reduced sympathetic responsiveness while looking at |
distressing pictures The same is true when they look at pictures of other people in distress |
This has caused researchers to conclude that they have a lack of empathy They are poor at |
naming fearful emotional expressions They also exhibit a diminished response to conditioned |
punishment less fear and reduced startle reflex to myriad startling stimuli Social conflict |
doesnt increase their heart rate or breathing rate and does not cause them to brace They are |
often reported to be charismatic and exhibit superficial charm They are capable of these things |
because they do not feel pressured to selfhandicap |
But none of these neurological predispositions toward insensitivity necessarily make them |
bad A biological predisposition to being unafraid in and of itself doesnt make the psychopath |
evil Unfortunately it often causes them to make social mistakes and flout norms The people |
that they unintentionally hurt punish them for these mistakes believe the resulting constant |
conflict turns them into bad people over time But the bad doesnt derive from their innate |
fearlessness the bad comes in if the repercussions of that fearlessness cause them to start |
taking delight in others pain |
Some people find pleasure in hurting others These people show activity in the brains |
reward circuit the ventral striatum when shown videos depicting deliberate infliction of pain |
When they watch someone maliciously prick another with a needle they feel amusement and |
gratification Some psychopaths exhibit this but many do not Psychopaths dont necessarily |
want to hurt people but they are willing to hurt them if they can get what they want |
Chapter Rise Above Status Conflict |
Psychopaths dont feel anothers pain sadists enjoy it Reveling in anothers pain is known as |
sadism and schadenfreude |
Schadenfreude is defined as the feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing |
about other peoples troubles In German it means harmjoy Sadism is enjoyment in being |
cruel Sadists dont choose to feel satisfaction from someone elses misfortune It is |
neurological and usually derives from a combination of early experiences and genetics |
However you can confront any tendencies you may have toward sadism and you and are |
obligated to do so Harmjoy is evil Draw a hard line in the sand |
Activity Analyze Your Tendencies Toward Sadism |
How do you imagine your brains reward centers respond to other peoples pain or |
misfortune Can you think of a time when something grim happened to someone and you |
became excited or experienced pleasure How could you become more aware of this |
tendency as it happens How could you interrupt or undermine it if you recognized it |
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