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“—accur—No!” Vlad raised his eyebrows. “You have such a strange mind, Agnes. Of course, you are not one of the…cattle. I expect that no witch is. You people tend to know your own mind. ” He gave her a toothy grin, and on a vampire this was not pleasant. “I wish I did. Come along. ” There was no resisting the pull, unle... |
“Why are we going uphill?” “Road’s washed out,” said Nanny. “We’re heading into Uberwald?” “Yes. ” “But there’s werewolves and vampires and—” “Yes, but not everywhere. We should be safe on the main road. Anyway, there’s not much of a choice. ” “I suppose you’re right,” said Magrat reluctantly. “And it could be worse,” ... |
If you left your unshod horse at one of them overnight, and placed a sixpence on the stone, in the morning the sixpence would be gone and you’d never see your horse again, either… Down on the earth floor under the bank a fire was burning darkly, filling the barrow with smoke which exited through various hidden crannies... |
“Other-wise I wouldn’t have looked. ” “Did anyone else ever look, I wonder?” said Granny. She poked at the fragments. “Ah…” she said. “I thought p’raps the phoenixes used to live somewhere very dangerous—” Hodgesaargh began. “Everywhere’s like that when you’re newborn,” said Granny. “I can see you’ve been thinking, Hod... |
“You wouldn’t let a poor old lady go off to confront monsters on a wild night like this, would you?” They watched him owlishly for a while just in case something interestingly nasty was going to happen to him. Then someone near the back said, “So why should we care what happens to monsters?” And Shawn Ogg said, “That’s... |
But people just seem to ignore him. ” Nanny wondered how to approach it. “He could try having the crown taken in a bit,” she ventured, as the coach bounced over another rut. “There’s plenty of dwarfs up at Copperhead’d be glad to make it smaller for him. ” “It is the traditional crown, Nanny. ” “Yes, but if it wasn’t f... |
“What’s that you’re singing?” Granny demanded. “I wasn’t singing very loudly. ” “What’s it called?” “It’s called ‘Om Is in His Holy Temple. ’” “Nice tune,” said Granny. “It keeps my spirits up,” Oats admitted. A wet twig slapped his face. After all, he thought, I may have a vampire behind me, however good she is. “You ... |
What words could you trust? He struck the third match with shaking hands and flicked the book open again and read, in the weak dancing light: “…and Brutha said to Simony, ‘Where there is darkness we will make a great light…’” The match died. And there was darkness. Granny Weatherwax groaned. At the back of his mind, Oa... |
In fact there was more creak than door, and it went on just a few seconds after the door had stopped. “That sounds dreadful ,” said Nanny. “Thank you. It took dayth to get right. Creakth like that don’t jutht happen by themthelveth. ” There was a woof from the darkness and something leapt at Igor, knocking him off his ... |
“I think mebbe the drink was a wee bitty too trackle?” said Big Aggie’s man, looking down at Verence’s bloodshot eyes and foaming mouth. “I’m sayin’, mebbe it was wrong jus’ giving him fifty times more than we tak’. He’s not used to it…” Big Aggie shrugged. In the far corner of the barrow half a dozen pixies backed out... |
“You were talking about how happy everyone is because the vampires visit, or something. ” “Oh yes. Yes. Because of cooperation, not enmity. Because…” He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his face. “…because…well, you’ll see…is it rather cold here?” “Just clammy,” said Agnes. “Let’s get to the square,” Vla... |
No, we don’t, you just thought that’d be a smart thing for her to do because everyone would think she’s hiding in the baby. “Why don’t you just crawl back into your coffin and rot, you slimy little maggot,” Agnes said. It wasn’t that good, but im-promptu insults are seldom well crafted. Lacrimosa leapt at her, but some... |
“Yes?” She turned to face him, suddenly alive. “It’d be as well for you if I didn’t believe,” she said, prodding him with a sharp finger. “This Om…anyone seen him?” “It is said three thousand people witnessed his manifestation at the Great Temple when he make the Covenant with the prophet Brutha and saved him from deat... |
One aspect of witchcraft is the craftiness, and it’s seldom unwise to take the credit for unexplained but fortuitous events. “I may have done,” she added. “Well, we’re going after them,” said Piotr. “Won’t they have got well away?” “ We can cut through the woods. ” Blood tinted the rain that ran off the wound on Jason ... |
The blood-sucking…no, never that, even if it was the ultimate diet program, but she’d have liked the flying. It’s changed you, said Perdita. “How?” “Sorry, miss?” You’re sharper…edgier…nastier. “Maybe it’s about time I was, then. ” “Sorry, miss?” “Oh, nothing. Do you have a spare sickle?” The vampires traveled fast but... |
“Don’t you remember those wonderful nights in Grjsknvij?” “Oh, fresh morning of the world indeed,” said the Count, solemnly. “Such romance…and we met such lovely people, too. Do you remember Mr. and Mrs. Harker?” “Very fondly. I recall they lasted nearly all week. Now, listen all of you. Holy symbols will not hurt us. ... |
” He helped her to her feet, alive with badly digested rage, and supported her as she swayed. There was a scream from the castle, suddenly cut off. “Not female,” said Granny. “I reckon the girls have started. Let’s give ’em a hand, shall we?” Her arm shook as she raised it. The wowhawk fluttered down and settled on her... |
” “It’s not working !” said Lacrimosa. “I’m a vampire! I’m supposed to crave blood! And all I can think about is a cup of tea with three sugars in it, whatever the hell that is! That old woman’s doing something to us, can’t you see?” “Not possible,” said the Count. “Oh, she’s sharp for a human, but I don’t reckon there... |
“Ah, I know what he means,” said Nanny. “It’s all right, we’re not daft, she won’t open up until she’s knows it’s us—” “I meant, how does the door stop vampires?” “Stop them? It’s a door. ” “So…they can’t turn themselves into some sort of mist, then?” said Oats, frying in the joint radiation of their stares. “Only I th... |
She’ll brighten the place up—” “She’s coming back to Lancre with us, you bastard!” screamed Magrat. She twisted in the Count’s grip and tried to slap him, but Agnes saw her face whiten as his hand tightened on her wrist. “That’s very bad language for a queen,” said the Count. “And I am still very strong, even for a vam... |
It was rolling in from the walls, leaving a shrinking circle of black and white tiles in the middle of which were the vampires. Igor pushed his way through the crowd until he was alongside Nanny. “It’th all right,” he said, “I couldn’t let it go on, it wath dithgratheful…” The mist rose in a boiling tower, there was a ... |
“So…you’re the old master, are you?” she said. “Alison Weatherwax?” said the old master. “I have a good memory for necks. ” Granny froze for a second. “What? No! Er…how do you know the name?” “Why, she passed through here, what, fifty years ago. We met briefly, and then she cut off my head and stuck a stake in my heart... |
Sometimes he was summoned down to the pub to sort out the more serious fights, which he usually did by picking up both contestants and holding them apart until they stopped struggling. If that didn’t work, he’d bang them together a few times, in as friendly a way as possible. Aggressiveness did not normally impress him... |
The collection plate produced two pennies, some carrots, a large onion, a small loaf, a pound of mutton, a jug of milk and a pickled pig’s trotter. “We’re not really a cash economy,” said King Verence, stepping forward. He had a bandage across his forehead. “Oh, it’ll make a good supper, sire,” said Oats, in the madly ... |
As he smiled with relief there came, from far down below in the castle, the sound of the mighty organ playing “Toccata for Young Women in Underwired Nighdresses. ” The eagle swooped on into the bowl of Lancre. The long light glowed on the lake, and on the big V-shaped ripple, made up of many small V-shaped ripples, tha... |
com * Which presumably mean that some are virulent and deadly, and others just make you walk in a funny way and avoid fruit. * Sometimes, of course, to say, “please stop doing it. ” * It struck people as odd that, while Lancre people refused pointblank to have any truck with democracy, on the basis that governing was w... |
It was also acutely embarrassing to Mort’s family that the youngest son was not at all serious and had about the same talent for horticulture that you would find in a dead starfish. It wasn’t that he was unhelpful, but he had the kind of vague, cheerful helpfulness that serious men soon learn to dread. There was someth... |
Fifteen minutes to midnight. Mort shivered, but the crimson fires of shame and stubbornness flared up inside him, hotter than the slopes of Hell. He blew on his fingers for something to do and stared up at the freezing sky, trying to avoid the stares of the few stragglers among what remained of the fair. Most of the st... |
W HAT YOUR FATHER SEES AND HEARS IS NOT WHAT YOU SEE AND HEAR , he said. D O NOT WORRY HIM. D O YOU THINK HE WOULD WANT TO SEE ME—IN THE FLESH, AS IT WERE ? “But you’re Death,” said Mort. “You go around killing people!” I? K ILL ? said Death, obviously offended. C ERTAINLY NOT. P EOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT’S THEIR BUSI... |
There seemed to be rather a lot of friendly young ladies who couldn’t afford many clothes. There were flares, and jugglers, and assorted sellers of instant transcendence. And Death stalked through it all. Mort had half expected him to pass through the crowds like smoke, but it wasn’t like that at all. The simple truth ... |
He tried an experimental swagger; he felt his new suit and haircut rather demanded it. It didn’t quite work. Mort awoke. He lay looking at the ceiling while his memory did a fast-rewind and the events of the previous day crystallized in his mind like little ice cubes. He couldn’t have met Death. He couldn’t have eaten ... |
” Leaving his breakfast to congeal, Mort hurried up the steps, along the corridor and paused in front of the first door. He raised his hand to knock. E NTER. The handle turned of its own accord. The door swung inward. Death was seated behind a desk, peering intently into a vast leather book almost bigger than the desk ... |
Yes, sir,” said Mort, his hand on the doorknob. S HE IS A VERY PLEASANT GIRL , said Death, B UT I THINK SHE QUITE LIKES HAVING SOMEONE OF HER OWN AGE AROUND TO TALK TO. “Sir?” A ND, OF COURSE, ONE DAY ALL THIS WILL BELONG TO HER. Something like a small blue supernova flared for a moment in the depths of his eyesockets.... |
It was one huge rock from the distant Ramtops, Death said, left there by the retreating ice in the legendary days when the Ice Giants waged war on the gods and rode their glaciers across the land in an attempt to freeze the whole world. They’d given up in the end, however, and driven their great glittering flocks back ... |
“What are you doing here? Eh? Guards! I deman—” The insistent message from his eyes finally battered through to his brain. Mort was impressed. King Olerve had held on to his throne for many years and, even when dead, knew how to behave. “Oh,” he said, “I see. I didn’t expect to see you so soon. ” Y OUR MAJESTY , said D... |
Death drummed his fingers on the desk, making a sound not unlike a mouse tap-dancing, and gave Mort another few seconds of stare. He noticed that the boy seemed rather less elbows than he remembered, stood a little more upright and, bluntly, could use a word like “expectancy. ” It was all that library. A LLRIGHT , he s... |
“Excuse me,” he said, and they went into a huddle. Mort measured the distance to the end of the alley. He wouldn’t make it. Anyway, these three looked as though chasing people was another thing they were good at. It was only logic that left them feeling a little stretched. Their leader turned back to Mort. He gave a fi... |
“I’m no demon! I’m a human!” he said, and stopped in shock as his words emerged in perfect Klatch. “You’re a thief?” said the father. “A murderer? To creep in thus, are you a tax-gatherer? ” His hand slipped under the table and came up holding a meat cleaver honed to paper thinness. His wife screamed and dropped the pl... |
“Why do you trouble Igneous Cutwell, Holder of the Eight Keys, Traveler in the Dungeon Dimensions, Supreme Mage of—” “Excuse me,” said Mort, “are you really?” “Really what?” “Master of the thingy, Lord High Wossname of the Sacred Dungeons?” Cutwell pushed back his hood with an annoyed flourish. Instead of the gray-bear... |
A gap opened up beneath them. Binky slowed again, wheeled around and descended towards a clearing that was white with drifted snow. It was circular, with a tiny cottage in the exact middle. If the ground around it hadn’t been covered in snow, Mort would have noticed that there were no tree stumps to be seen; the trees ... |
” Mort leaned against a tree, panting heavily, and watched Goodie walk around the log to look at herself. “Hmm,” she said critically. “Time has got a lot to answer for. ” She raised her hand and laughed to see the stars through it. Then she changed. Mort had seen this happen before, when the soul realized it was no lon... |
Forgive me,” said the abbot, “I don’t really know how these things are organized, lad. ” “Mort,” said Mort, absently. “And I think you’re supposed to come back with me, sir. If you don’t mind,” he added, in what he hoped was a firm and authoritative manner. The monk turned and smiled pleasantly at him. “I wish I could,... |
Keli held up the candle and looked at the window. It was whole. The stone frames were unbroken. Every pane, with its stained-glass representatives of the Sto Lat coat of arms, was complete. She looked back at Mort. “Never mind thirdly,” she said, “let’s get back to secondly. ” An hour later dawn reached the city. Dayli... |
” “Where was this?” “In Ankh, of course. ” “What?” said Mort. “They don’t have kings in Ankh-Morpork, everyone knows that!” “This was back a bit, I said,” said Albert. He poured himself a cup of tea from Death’s personal teapot and sat down, a dreamy look in his crusted eyes. Mort waited expectantly. “And they was king... |
She wondered where her cloaks were kept, but cold reason told her it was going to be a damn sight easier to find them herself than try to make her presence felt to the maid. She waited, watching closely, as the woman stopped sobbing, looked around her in vague bewilderment, and hurried out of the room. She’s forgotten ... |
” “Then would you be surprised if I told you that no one else in this city can?” “Except me?” Keli snorted. “And your doorknocker. ” Cutwell pulled out a chair and sat down. He squirmed a little. A thoughtful expression passed over his face. He stood up, reached behind him and produced a flat reddish mass which might h... |
Five generations ago one of her ancestors had halted his band of nomadic cutthroats a few miles from the mound of Sto Lat and had regarded the sleeping city with a peculiarly determined expression that said: This’ll do. Just because you’re born in the saddle doesn’t mean you have to die in the bloody thing. Strangely e... |
It upsets them, or something. ” He gave what he considered to be a mirthless laugh. “Ha!” “Ha what?” “Just ha!” He’d reached the end of the corridor. There was the door into the kitchen, where Albert would be leering knowingly, and Mort decided he couldn’t face that. He stopped. “But I only took the books for a bit of ... |
“And do you know how long I’ve been sixteen for ?” “I’m sorry, I don’t under—” “No, you wouldn’t. No one would. ” She blew her nose again, and despite her shaking hands nevertheless carefully tucked the rather damp hanky back up her sleeve. “ You’re allowed out,” she said. “You haven’t been here long enough to notice. ... |
In the distance he could see the lights of Sto Helit, which really wasn’t much more than a small town, and a faint glow on the edge of sight must be Sto Lat. He looked at it longingly. The barrier worried him. He could see it creeping across the field behind the trees. Mort was on the point of urging Binky back into th... |
Yet Mort, standing there looking rather embarrassed and casually sipping a liquid you could clean spoons with, seemed to emit a particularly potent sort of solidness, an extra dimension of realness. His hair was more hairy, his clothes more clothy, his boots the epitome of bootness. It made your head ache just to look ... |
Of course, some fishermen might have objected to this breach of etiquette, but in Terpsic’s book anything that reduced his chance of actually catching any of the damned things was all right by him. Out of the corner of his eye he noted that the newcomer was fly-fishing, an interesting pastime which Terpsic had rejected... |
The guard outside the doors of the great hall had seen it happen too, but he had time to gather his wits, or such that remained, and raise his spear as Binky trotted across the courtyard. “Halt,” he croaked. “Halt. What goes where?” Mort saw him for the first time. “What?” he said, still lost in thought. The guard ran ... |
You see, people were beginning to get upset and they didn’t know why, and that made it worse. Their minds were in one reality and their bodies were in another. Very unpleasant. They couldn’t get used to the idea that she was still alive. I thought the pictures might be a good idea but, you know, people just don’t see w... |
On this particular night they were scented with saltpeter, too, because it was the tenth anniversary of the accession of the Patrician * and he had invited a few friends round for a drink, five hundred of them in this case, and was letting off fireworks. Laughter and the occasional gurgle of passion filled the palace g... |
“You become a queen, reign for thirty years, make laws, declare war on people and then the only thing you get remembered for is that you smelled like yogurt and were bitten in the—” “She’s a distant ancestor of mine,” snapped Keli. “I won’t listen to this sort of thing. ” “Will you both be quiet and listen to me!” shou... |
But it would be some time before its slow light rolled across the sleeping Disc, herding the night ahead of it, and nocturnal shadows still ruled the city. They clustered now around The Mended Drum in Filigree Street, foremost of the city’s taverns. It was famed not for its beer, which looked like maiden’s water and ta... |
“Look, I haven’t got time to mess around,” he said. “Bring that candle into the library. And for heaven’s sake put on something sensible, you’re overflowing. ” Ysabell looked down, and then her head snapped up. “Well!” Mort poked his head back round the door. “It’s a matter of life and death,” he added, and disappeared... |
The sun made the cobbles steam and Death felt the faintest tingling of that little springtime urge that can send a thousand tons of sap pumping through fifty feet of timber in a forest. The seagulls swooped and dived around him. A one-eyed cat, down to its eighth life and its last ear, emerged from its lair in a heap o... |
, and we’re a bit short of fields. ” He laid down his pen and gave the kind of smile that suggested he’d learned it from a book. Ankh-Morpork wasn’t advanced enough to possess an employment exchange. People took jobs because their fathers made room for them, or because their natural talent found an opening, or by word-... |
” Mort dragged on his breeches, shrugged into his shirt and hurried out towards Death’s study with Ysabell on his heels. Albert was in there, jumping from foot to foot like a duck on a griddle. When Mort came in the look on the old man’s face could almost have been gratitude. Mort saw with amazement that there were tea... |
“And make it sna—” The hatch shot up. After a few seconds to pluck up enough courage, Harga peered under the top slice of the long sarny in front of him. He wasn’t saying that it was alligator, and he wasn’t saying it wasn’t. He knuckled the hatch again. “Okay,” he said, “I’m not complaining, I just want to know how yo... |
He’d done everything he could. The Royal Astrologer had been sobered up long enough to insist that tomorrow was the only possible day the ceremony could take place, so Cutwell had arranged for it to begin one second after midnight. He’d ruthlessly cut the score of the royal trumpet fanfare. He’d timed the High Priest’s... |
“I was just trying to remember what color your eyes were,” she said, “because—” “If you two have quite had enough of each other!” bellowed Albert above the roar of the sand. “This way!” “Brown,” said Mort to Ysabell. “They’re brown. Why?” “Hurry up!” “You’d better go and help him,” said Ysabell. “He seems to be getting... |
“‘Albert looked into the blue glow of those eyes and the last of his defiance drained away,’” she read, “‘for he saw not just Death but Death with all the human seasonings of vengeance and cruelty and distaste, and with a terrible certainty he knew that this was the last chance and Mort would send him back into Time an... |
The clouds ahead grew, and became outlined in pink and orange. After a while he could make out the darker blur of land below them, with here and there the lights of a city. Half an hour later he was sure he could see individual buildings. Agatean architecture inclined towards squat pyramids. Binky lost height until his... |
Several of them wore emperor’s robes, but there were plenty of others jostling them, and they all looked most anxious to welcome the newcomer to the lands of the dead. “I think there’s some people here to see you,” said Mort, and hurried away. As he reached the passageway the Vizier’s soul started to scream…. Ysabell w... |
He examined the glass again in the moonlight. It was quite plain, not the sort normally associated with royalty. “That can’t be him,” said Ysabell. “They don’t pickle them when they’re still alive, do they?” “I hope not, because I read where, before they do the preserving, they, um, cut them open and remove—” “I don’t ... |
There was another groan, from the other side of the cluttered room. Mort followed it to its source, stepping awkwardly over rolls of carpet, bunches of dates, crates of crockery and piles of gems. The king obviously hadn’t been able to decide what he was going to leave behind on his journey, so had decided to play safe... |
I S THIS HOW HE REPAYS MY KINDNESS ? T O STEAL MY DAUGHTER, INSULT MY SERVANTS, AND RISK THE FABRIC OF REALITY ON A PERSONAL WHIM ? O H, FOOLISH, FOOLISH , I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH TOO LONG ! “Master, if you would just be so good as to let go of my robe—” began Albert, and the wizard noticed a pleading edge to his voice tha... |
He could hear it—a nasty, saw-toothed buzz as random particles of possibility hit the interface and gave up their energy as noise. As it ground its way up the street the pearly wall swallowed the bunting, the torches and the waiting crowds, leaving only dark streets. Somewhere out there, Cutwell thought, I’m fast aslee... |
Back in the hall there was dust and shouts and confusion. Cutwell pushed his hat out of his eyes and got to his hands and knees. “Thank you,” said Keli, who had been lying underneath him. “And why did you jump on top of me?” “My first instinct was to protect you, your Majesty. ” “Yes, instinct it may have been, but—” S... |
Something wet and warm blew in Mort’s ear. He reached up and touched Binky’s muzzle. “Dear old horse,” he said. “And I’m right out of sugar lumps. You’ll have to find your way home by yourself—” His hand stopped in mid-pat. “We can all go home,” he said. “I don’t think father would like that very much,” said Ysabell, b... |
A LBERT. “Master?” F ETCH THE GLASSES. “Master. ” Cutwell grabbed the old man’s arm. “You’re a wizard,” he hissed. “You don’t have to do what he says!” “How old are you, lad?” said Albert, kindly. “Twenty. ” “When you’re my age you’ll see your choices differently. ” He turned to Mort. “Sorry. ” Mort drew his sword, its... |
He saw Cutwell elbowed in the ribs, his candlestick clattering across the tiles. Death stood over him. The tip of the blade hovered in front of Mort’s eyes for a moment, and then swept upwards. “You’re right. There’s no justice. There’s just you. ” Death hesitated, and then slowly lowered the blade. He turned and looke... |
You did, did you?” said Mort. Death avoided his gaze. Y ES. “I shouldn’t think they were very pleased. ” T HE GODS ARE JUST. T HEY ARE ALSO SENTIMENTALISTS. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO MASTER IT, MYSELF. B UT YOU AREN’T FREE YET. Y OU MUST SEE TO IT THAT HISTORY TAKES PLACE. “I know,” said Mort. “Uniting the kingdoms and... |
” Anne McCaffrey B OOKS BY T ERRY P RATCHETT The Carpet People The Dark Side of the Sun Strata • Truckers Diggers • Wings Only You Can Save Mankind Johnny and the Dead • Johnny and the Bomb The Unadulterated Cat (with Gray Jollife) Good Omens (with Neil Gaiman) T HE D ISCWORLD ® S ERIES : Going Postal • Monstrous Regim... |
And it is never danced properly. Except on the Discworld, which is flat and supported on the backs of four elephants which travel through space on the shell of Great A’Tuin, the world turtle. And even there, only in one place have they got it right. It’s a small village high in the Ramtop Mountains, where the big and s... |
The Trout. Well, you see, if you’ve been a good mayfly, zigzagging up and down properly—” “—taking heed of your elders and betters—” “—yes, and taking heed of your elders and betters, then eventually the Great Trout—” Clop Clop “Yes?” said one of the younger mayflies. There was no reply. “The Great Trout what?” said an... |
It was just an older one. ) The pendulum is a blade that would have made Edgar Allan Poe give it all up and start again as a stand-up comedian on the scampi-in-a-casket circuit. It swings with a faint whum-whum noise, gently slicing thin rashers of interval from the bacon of eternity. Death stalked past the clock and i... |
“I think it might, mm, be jolly good fun. ” The Bursar riffled desperately through his limited repertoire of small talk relating to women. He leaned down to Windle’s gnarled ear. “Isn’t there rather a lot of,” he struck out aimlessly, “washing things? And making beds and cookery and all that sort of thing?” “Not in the... |
And now he had Time, too. The time of his life. Windle Poons peered into the darkness. “Hallo?” he said. “Hallo. Anyone there? What ho?” There was a distant, forlorn soughing, as of wind at the end of a tunnel. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” said Windle, his voice trembling with mad cheerfulness. “Don’t worry.... |
It’s just a gurgle to you , but who knows what marvelously complex chemical exchange processes are really going—” “You’re an undead? ” said the Bursar, managing to get the words out at last. “I didn’t ask to be,” said the late Windle Poons irritably, looking at the food and wondering how the blazes one went about turni... |
There seemed to be more Mustrum Ridcully than one body could reasonably contain. Plop. Plop In the dark cupboard in the cellar, a whole shelf was already full. There was exactly as much Windle Poons as one body could contain, and he steered it carefully along the corridors. I never expected this, he thought. I don’t de... |
The cupboard door’s hinges finally gave way, spilling its contents into the room. Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft. When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big. There was a sc... |
” “Sevenpence—and that’s cutting my own throat, mark you. ” “Done,” said the sergeant, reluctantly. He gave the globe another shake. “Nice, ain’t they?” he said. “Worth every penny,” said Dibbler. He rubbed his hands together hopefully. “Should sell like hot cakes,” he said, picking up a handful and shoving them into a... |
“Er, yes,” he said, “that’s right. ” He threw it over his shoulder, almost removing the Dean’s left ear, and fished in the sack again. “Ah- ha !” “That’s a rather fine example of the Mystic Tooth of Offler the Crocodile God,” said Windle. “Ah-ha!” “And that’s a…let me see now…yes, that’s the matched set of sacred Flyin... |
“I wants ’em arrested. ” It dawned on the sergeant that he had inadvertently placed himself center stage in a drama involving hundreds of people, some of them wizards and all of them angry. “What are you doing, then?” he said weakly. “We’re burying our colleague. What does it look like?” said Ridcully. Colon’s eyes swi... |
It’s a room for harnesses and dogs, a room where oil-skins are hung up to dry. There’s a beer barrel by the door. There are flagstones on the floor and, along the ceiling beams, hooks for bacon. There’s a scrubbed table that thirty hungry men could sit down at. There are no men. There are no dogs. There is no beer. The... |
Lumps of lethal tallow the size of a man’s head whirred through the windows. A whole candle, propelled out of the wreckage at a freak velocity, was driven several inches into a door. The Archchancellor disentangled himself from the remains of his chair. “Bursar!” he yelled. The Bursar was exhumed from the fireplace. “U... |
I don’t know many tailors around here who’d throw in a second pair of pants for a seven dollar suit,” said Ridcully. “Oh,” said the Dean. “If it comes past again, try to trip it up so’s I can have a look at the label. ” A bedsheet squeezed through an upper window and flapped away across the rooftops. “Y’know,” said the... |
“Here? Before us ?” The two groups began very surreptitiously to adopt positions that left their hands free. “What good are they?” said the Senior Wrangler. There was a noticeable drop in metaphorical temperature. A carpet undulated past. The Archchancellor met the gaze of the enormous Chief Priest of Blind Io who, as ... |
The press of bodies moved aside to reveal the General Secretary and Chief Butt of the Guild of Fools and Joculators. He flinched under the attention, but he generally flinched all the time anyway. He had the look of a man whose face has been Ground Zero for one custard pie too many, whose trousers have been too often a... |
Cake fell out with whatever priests * were currently moderating between her and the gods, she had usually already taken over the flower arrangements, altar dusting, temple cleaning, sacrificial stone scrubbing, honorary vestigial virgining, has-sock repairing and every other vital religious support role by sheer force ... |
You, you, you certainly work…fast. ” M ISS F LITWORTH , WHY DOES NOT THE COCKEREL CROW PROPERLY ? “Oh, that’s just Cyril. He hasn’t got a very good memory. Ridiculous, isn’t it? I wish he’d get it right. ” Bill Door found a piece of chalk in the farm’s old smithy, located a piece of board among the debris, and wrote ve... |
“I don’t know who he’s going to call, but I’m damn sure who I’m going to call. ” He halted abruptly. The rest of the wizards piled into him. “Oh, no,” said the Senior Wrangler. “Please, not that!” “Nothing to it,” said Ridcully. “Nothing to worry about. Read up on it last night, ’s’matterofact. You can do it with three... |
“Hold on…hold on,” said Ridcully, “If people are coming to the end of their life and leaving their bodies and everything, but Death isn’t taking them away—” “Then that means they’re queueing up here,” said the Dean. “With nowhere to go. ” “Not just people,” said the Senior Wrangler. “It must be everything. Every thing ... |
“Hardly any time at all,” said Windle, relieved at the change of tone. “I must say it’s turning out to be different than I imagined. ” “You get used to it,” said Arthur Winkings, alias Count Notfaroutoe, gloomily. “That’s the thing about being undead. It’s as easy as falling off a cliff. We’re all undead here. ” Lupine... |
An agoraphobic bogeyman seemed to complete the full set. “Fancy that,” he said, vaguely. “We only go along to the club to keep Reg happy,” said Lupine. “Doreen said it’d break his heart if we stopped. You know the worst bit?” “Go on,” said Windle. “Sometimes he brings a guitar along and makes us sing songs like ‘The St... |
A deep, rumbling, but very diffident voice said, “’S’only me, Mr. Poons. ” Windle wrinkled his forehead with the effort of recollection. “Schleppel?” he said. “That’s right. ” “The bogeyman?” “That’s right?” “Behind my door?” “That’s right. ” “Why?” “It’s a friendly door. ” Windle walked over to the door and gingerly s... |
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