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” “You Coalface, you smarten up, you got a field-marshal’s button in your knapsack!” “Never took nuffin, neither. ” “You get down now and give me thirty-two! No! Make it sixty-four!” Sergeant Colon pinched the bridge of his nose. We’re alive, he thought. A troll insulted a dwarf in front of a lot of other dwarfs. Coalf...
But…y’know…after the passing-out parade…us looking at ourselves all in our new uniforms an’ all, real soldiers at last, seein’ what we’d become…well, we saw him in the bar and, well…I don’t mind telling you…” The dogs watched Colon wipe away the suspicion of a tear. “…Me and Tonker Jackson and Hoggy Spuds waited for hi...
At least one human, one dwarf and one troll in each. ” “Yessir. What’ll they be doing, sir?” “They’ll be being visible, sergeant. ” “Right, sir. Sir? One of the volunteers just now…it’s Mr. Bleakley, sir. From Elm Street? He’s a vampire, well, technic’ly, but he works up at the slaughterhouse so it’s not really—” “Than...
You are a pillock, what are you? Picked up the sword automatically, didn’t you? Did it all wrong! Now she’s run off and you’ll never see her again! He turned. A small grey dog was watching him intently from the doorway. Shock like that, she might never Change back again, said his thoughts. Who cares if she’s a werewolf...
He was aware from a general background noise that the mansion was busily humming toward W-hour. Lady Sybil was devoting to her wedding all the directness of thought she’d normally apply to breeding out a tendency toward floppy ears in swamp dragons. Half a dozen cooks had been busy in the kitchens for three days. They ...
” “Who’s giving away the bride?” “Her Uncle Lofthouse. He’s a bit gaga, but she insisted. ” “And the best man?” “What?” “The best man. You know? He hands you the ring and has to marry the bride if you run away and so on. The Dean’s been reading up on it, haven’t you, Dean?” “Oh, yes,” said the Dean, who’d spent all the...
“Carrot?” “Right through my shoulder, sir. ” Vimes eased himself along on his elbows. “Good morning, your lordship,” he said, manically. He leaned back and pulled out a mangled cigar. “Got a light?” The Patrician opened his eyes. “Ah, Captain Vimes. And what happens now?” Vimes grinned. Funny, he thought, how I never f...
Then Angua bounded away, clearing the next alley before Gaspode had stopped seeing a red mist in front of his eyes. He spat out Big Fido’s collar, which slid down the roof and vanished over the edge. “Oh, thank you!” he shouted. “Thank you very much! Yes! Leave me here, that’s right! Me with only three good legs! Don’t...
So long as that’s understood. Sergeant Colon?” “Sir?” “Put out the news that we’ve arrested Edward d’Eath. Whoever he is. ” “Yessir. ” “And your next move, Mr. Carrot?” said Vimes. Carrot looked at the assembled wizards. “Excuse me, sir?” “Ook?” “First, we need to get into the library—” “ First ,” said Vimes, “Someone ...
If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you’re going to die. So they’ll talk. They’ll gloat. They’ll wa...
He brought the gonne around, not aware of thinking, and let the trigger pull his finger again. A large area of the door and frame became a splinter-bordered hole. Vimes kicked the rest of it away and followed the gonne. He was in a passageway. A dozen young men were looking at him in astonishment from half-open doors. ...
Carrot’s sword was a couple of feet long. He’d run Cruces clean through. But Cruces had been standing with his back to— Vimes looked at the pillar. It was granite, and a foot thick. There was no cracking. There was just a blade-shaped hole, front to back. “Carrot—” he began. “And you look a mess, sir. Got to get you cl...
Lights came on, all over the city. Presently, the moon rose. The door opened. Angua entered, walking softly. Carrot turned, and smiled. “I wasn’t certain,” he said. “But I thought, well, isn’t it only silver that kills them? I just had to hope. ” It was two days later. The rain had set in. It didn’t pour, it slouched o...
“An excellent choice, in fact,” said the Patrician. “I’d taken the liberty, sir, of drafting a letter to the cap—to Mr. Vimes on your behalf. Just to save you trouble, sir. Perhaps you’d care to have a look?” “You think of everything, don’t you?” “I hope so, sir. ” Lord Vetinari read the letter. He smiled once or twice...
But… “Corp—Captain Carrot?” “Sah!” Carrot stared straight ahead of him with the glistening air of one busting with duty and efficiency and an absolute resolve to duck and dodge any direct questions put to him. “I—” Vimes picked up the paper again, put it down, picked it up, and then passed it over to Sybil. “My word!” ...
10 East 53rd Street New York, NY 10022 http://www. harpercollinsebooks. com * But no gentleman would dream of being trained as a Thief. * Often with discreet plaques under them modestly recording the name of the person who’d killed them. This was the Assassins’ portrait gallery, after all. * From the point of view of t...
“You’re for sale?” NO. The golem lurched aside. Another one stepped into the light. It was also a golem, the man could see that. But it wasn’t like the usual lumpen clay things that you occasionally saw. This one gleamed like a newly polished statue, perfect down to the detailing of the clothes. It reminded him of one ...
And now he was on three meat meals a day, good boots, a warm bed at night and, come to that, a wife too. Good old Sybil—although she did tend to talk about curtains these days, but Sergeant Colon had said this happened to wives and was a biological thing and perfectly normal. He’d actually been rather attached to his o...
“I’ll drive myself. ” “Dearest Mumm & Dad…” Captain Carrot of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch was on his day off. He had a routine. First he had breakfast in some handy café. Then he wrote his letter home. Letters home always gave him some trouble. Letters from his parents were always interesting, being full of mining stat...
He’d been a bit worried about the title—you heard stories about strange folk in the country—but it turned out to be nothing more than a book about how cattle and pigs and sheep should breed. Upstairs, Vimes pushed open his office door carefully. The Assassins’ Guild played to rules. You could say that about the bastard...
Then he carefully shut the door and put his coat over his head so that no one would hear him laughing. “Cheery Littlebottom!” Cheery ran after the troll called Detritus. The Watch House was beginning to fill up. And it was clear that the Watch dealt with all sorts of things, and that many of them involved shouting. Two...
” Vimes took out his badge and stared at the coat of arms embossed thereon. The old man looked over his shoulder. “That’s not her, o’ course,” he said, indicating the owl perched on the Ankh. “That was her great-grandma, Olive. A morpork on an ankh, see? That is a pun or play on words. Laugh? I nearly started. That’s a...
“As a tax payer you are entitled to the protection of the Watch,” said Carrot. There was a delicate pause. Mr. Ironcrust stared at his feet. One or two of the other dwarfs started to snigger. “I’ll tell you what,” said Carrot, in a kindly voice, “I’ll come around when I get a moment and help you fill in the forms, how ...
Now it seems that, as soon as a man opens his second meat-pie shop, he feels impelled to consider himself a gentleman. ” He waved a thin white hand at three coats of arms pinned in a row on a board. “The butcher, the baker and the candlestick-maker,” he sneered, but genteelly. “Well, the candle-maker, in point of fact....
And yet…and yet…you couldn’t help liking Carrot. Even people he was arresting liked Carrot. Even old ladies living in a permanent smell of fresh paint liked Carrot. She liked Carrot. A lot. Which was going to make leaving him all the harder. She was a werewolf. That’s all there was to it. You either spent your time try...
“Yes, Constable Visit?” “Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets, sir,” said Constable Visit, looking hurt. “‘The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets * ’ I was just about to say it, Constable,” said Vimes. “Well?” “It’s an ancient Klatchian script,” said Constable Visit. “One of the desert tribes called the Cenotin...
” “There’s almost half a dollar in pennies in the drawer,” said Carrot. “Anyway, a thief would be here for the Battle Bread, wouldn’t they? It is a very valuable cultural artifact. ” “Has the poor man got any relatives?” said Angua. “He’s got an elderly sister, I believe. I come in once a month just to have a chat. He ...
Anatomy was an important study at the Alchemists’ Guild, owing to the ancient theory that the human body represented a microcosm of the universe, although when you saw one opened up it was hard to imagine which part of the universe was small and purple and went blomp-blomp when you prodded it. But in any case you tende...
“Ye gods! Do you want me to get a doctor?” “Are you mad? We want him to live!” Vimes bit his lip. He’d said the words that were on his mind and now, without a doubt, the faint smoke of rumor would drift out across the city. “But someone ought to look at him…” he said aloud. “Damn’ right!” said Colon. “You want I should...
” There was a drowsiness in the Patrician’s voice. “Is that not so, young Vetinari? Yes indeed, sir. Correct. But where then shall we put it, seeing that all will look for it? In the last place they will look, sir. Wrong. Foolish. We put it where no one will look at all… ” The voice faded to a murmur. The bed linen, Ch...
“Those clowns who dress up and pretend to fight old battles with blunt swords,” he said. “The Ankh-Morpork Historical Re-creation Society, sir,” said Nobby, a shade reproachfully. “That’s what I said. ” “Well…we’re going to recreate the Battle of Ankh-Morpork for the celebrations, see. That means extra practice. ” “It ...
The man had been hard no doubt about that. But they were hard times. He’d written: “In the Fyres of Struggle let us bake New Men, who Will Notte heed the Old Lies. ” But the old lies had won in the end. He said to people: you’re free. And they said hooray, and then he showed them what freedom costs and they called him ...
“Trustworthy, reliable, knows the ins and outs of this place like the back of his hand. I’m handling it, in other words. ” Carrot’s hopeful expression faded to hurt puzzlement. “Don’t you want me to?” he said. “I could—” “No. Indulge an old man. I want you to go back to the Watch House and take care of things. ” “What ...
“Dis is crank,” he said, looking a lot happier now that the conversation was veering away from more personal concerns. “Dat’s like…crappy clay, jus’ good enough for dem lady potters wi’ dangly earrings wot make coffee mugs wot you can’t lift wid both hands. ” He rolled it again. “Also, it got a lotta grog in it. Dat’s ...
“If you know what’s good for you, you don’t mind him. ” “Er…any werewolves here?” “One or two,” said Angua. “I hate werewolves. ” “Oh?” The oddest customer was sitting by herself, at a small round table. She appeared to be a very old lady, in a shawl and a straw hat with flowers in it. She was staring in front of her w...
“Ah-ha! Someone else’s? Does it say something like ‘Take that, you bastard, we’ve been waiting ages to get you for what you did all those years ago’?” “No, sir. That phrase also does not appear in any holy book anywhere,” said Constable Visit, and hesitated. “Except in the Apocrypha to The Vengeful Testament of Offler ...
Then it pulled around a slate that was slung over its shoulder on a piece of string, unhooked the pencil, and wrote: YES. When Angua put her hand up, Cheery realized that there was a thin line across the golem’s forehead. To her horror, the entire top of the head flipped up. Angua, quite unperturbed, reached inside. He...
A man could get worried about a bargain like that, and feel mightily relieved when he was writing out a receipt for the new owner. “Seems to me there’s been a lot of holy days lately,” Sock said. SOME TIMES ARE MORE HOLY THAN OTHERS. But they couldn’t skive off, could they? Work was what a golem did. “I don’t know how ...
“You do your best, you keep your head down, you don’t make any trouble, and then something like this happens to you. ” Colon read the scroll slowly, his lips moving when he came to difficult words like “and” and “the. ” “Nobby, you’ve read this? It says you’re a lord! ” “The old man said they’d have to do a lot of chec...
Then there was the letter from a resident in Park Lane, one of the most select addresses in the city: Commander Vimes, The Night Watch patrol in this street appears to be made up entirely of dwarfs. I have nothing against dwarfs amongst their own kind, at least they are not trolls, but one hears stories and I have daug...
At the end of Nonesuch Street was a gibbet, where wrongdoers—or, at least, people found guilty of wrongdoing—had been hung to twist gently in the wind as examples of just retribution and, as the elements took their toll, basic anatomy as well. Once parties of children were brought there by their parents to learn by dre...
If you can’t come up with anything better than a…a feeling, then we’ll have to—” “To what, sir?” said Carrot. “There isn’t anything more we could do to it. It’s dead now. ” “Inanimate, you mean. ” “Yes, sir. If you want to put it that way. ” “If Dorfl didn’t kill the old men, who did?” “Don’t know, sir. But I think Dor...
Eleven bits of wood, and a twelth broken in two. You didn’t need to be any kind of genius to see what had been going on. “They drew lots,” he said. “And Dorfl lost. ” He sighed. “This is getting worse,” he said. “Does anyone know how many golems there are in the city?” “No,” said Carrot. “Hard to find out. No one’s mad...
Vimes sat gloomily behind a glass of lemonade. He wanted one drink, and understood precisely why he wasn’t going to have one. One drink ended up arriving in a dozen glasses. But knowing this didn’t make it any better. Most of the day shift were in here now, plus one or two men who were on their day off. Scummy as the p...
As her tutors had said, there were two signs of a good alchemist: the Athletic and the Intellectual. A good alchemist of the first sort was someone who could leap over the bench and be on the far side of a safely thick wall in three seconds, and a good alchemist of the second sort was someone who knew exactly when to d...
Basically it’s how much beer you supped last night, how strong the curry was you had afterwards, and where you were sick. Just think egotesticle. You’ll soon get the hang of it. And you’ll have to be prepared for sexually explicit jokes in the Watch House. ” Cheery blushed. “Mind you, that seems to have ended now,” sai...
When Stronginthearm reached the bottom the hammer struck for the first time. When he was half-way across the ash-crusted floor, other workers scurrying after him, the hammer struck for the second time. As he reached Dibbuk the hammer struck for the third time. The glow faded in the golem’s eyes. A crack appeared across...
The events of the day clanged together in Vimes’s head. Golems tramped like sad shadows. Father Tubelcek waved at him and then his head exploded, showering Vimes in words. Mr. Hopkinson lay dead in his own oven, a slice of dwarf bread in his mouth. And the golems marched on, silently. There was Dorfl, dragging its foot...
“Get the servants to prepare a new room, right?” “Yes, sir. ” “And, after they’ve done it, pick a different room at random and move him into it. And change everything , understand? Every stick of furniture, every vase, every rug—” “Er…yes, sir. ” Vimes hesitated. Now he could put his finger on what had been bothering h...
“I went up dere and dere was people all lookin’ in. ” “What d’you mean?” “Neighbors and dat. Cryin’ women all round’ der door. An’ I remember what you said about dat dipplo word—” “Diplomacy,” said Vimes. “Yeah. Not shoutin’ at people an’ dat. I fought, dis look a delicate situation. Also, dey was throwin’ stuff at me....
” And now the whole machine, which whirred away so quietly that people had forgotten it was a machine at all and thought that it was just the way the world worked, had given a lurch. The guild leaders examined their thoughts and decided that what they did not want was power. What they wanted was that tomorrow should be...
“They’ve never got involved in civic concerns,” said Dr. Downey. “Give ’em four meat meals a day and tip your hat to them and they’re happy. They know nothing about politics. ” The silence that followed was broken by the voice of Queen Molly of the Beggars. “What about Vimes?” Dr. Downey shrugged. “He is a servant of t...
“Ow!” There was a mêlée of dwarfs around the counter. The row had already gone well past the stage when it had anything much to do with the subject in hand and, these being dwarfs, took in other matters of vital importance such as whose grandfather had stolen whose grandfather’s mining claim three hundred years ago and...
“Tell me,” he said, “what did Mrs. Easy die of?” “Let me put it like this,” said Cheery. “If these rats had been poisoned with lead instead of arsenic, you’d have been able to sharpen their noses and use them as pencils. ” She lowered the beaker. “Are you sure?” said Carrot. “Yes. ” “Wee Mad Arthur wouldn’t poison rats...
Muttering under his breath, Wee Mad Arthur got back to his calculations. But not for long. He spun around, forehead cocked. “It’s only us, Wee Mad Arthur,” said Sergeant Colon, stepping back hurriedly. “That’s Mr. Wee Mad Arthur to youse, copper,” said Wee Mad Arthur, but he relaxed a little. “We’re Sergeant Colon and ...
“Right, but before that,” said Colon, “I’ll do all the places along the Shambles and you do Chittling Street and then we can push off back to the Yard, job done and dusted. OK?” “Afternoon, Commander Vimes,” said Carrot, shutting the door behind him. “Captain Carrot reporting. ” Vimes was slumped in his chair, staring ...
There was more rattling as the dwarf began his descent. “Every detail covered, eh, Vimes?” “I hope so, sir. ” The box came back up again, with a tray in it. Vimes took it out. “What’s this?” “A Klatchian Hots without anchovies,” said Vimes, lifting the cover. “We got it from Ron’s Pizza Hovel round the corner. The way ...
” “Perhaps, but it’s asking for trouble to flaunt them. I mean, I’m used to knees. I can look at knees and think, ‘Oh, yes, knees, they’re just hinges in your legs,’ but some of the lads—” Angua sniffed. “He turned left here. Some of the lads what? ” “Well…I don’t know how they’ll react, that’s all. You shouldn’t have ...
There were gasps of surprise around her, but she glared at the assembled guests and there was a smattering of bows and curtsies. Somewhere at the back of the room someone started to say, “But the man’s an absolute oik—” and was cut off. “Has someone dropped something?” said Nobby nervously. “I’ll help you look, if you ...
There was a greasy smell in the air, which seemed familiar yet annoyingly unrecognizable. As his eyes grew accustomed to the dark he could make out very faint lines of light, such as might surround a door. He could also hear voices. He tried to get up to his knees, and groaned as more pain crackled in his head. When pe...
He grabbed in the darkness, found the greasy pilings of a jetty, and clung to them, wheezing. “What was that thing?” said Wee Mad Arthur. “Golem,” Colon panted. He managed to get a hand on to the planks of the jetty, tried to pull himself up, and sagged back into the water. “Hey, did I just hear something?” said Wee Ma...
It was quite low and soft, but it had a complex little waveform which went straight down into a little knobbly bit in his spinal column where it pressed an ancient button marked Primal Terror. He turned. An attractive watchwoman behind him gave him a friendly smile. That was to say, her mouth turned up at the corners a...
“So many people want to talk to you…” “Mgffmph?” Sergeant Colon tried to clean himself up, but trying to clean yourself up with water from the Ankh was a difficult maneuver. The best you could hope for was an allover gray. Fred Colon hadn’t reached Vimes’s level of sophisticated despair. Vimes took the view that life w...
” “Indeed?” “But he was smiling when he said it. Sort of smiling, anyway. ” “He, er, visits his lordship most days, I believe?” “Yes, sir. ” “And I understand that his efforts to discover the poisoner have not reached any conclusions?” “Not as such, sir,” said Carrot. “We’ve found a lot of ways he’s not being poisoned....
” He opened the door, poked his head out into the corridor and yelled, “Littlebottom!” To Carrot he added, “You know, I feel quite perked up. The old brain has begun to work at last. You know the golem that did the killing?” “Yes, sir?” “Ah, but do you know what was special about it?” “Can’t think, sir,” said Carrot, “...
“If you gonna die, d’yez mind signing a chitty to say yez promised me a dollar?” Down below, there was a chink of pottery shards. “What was that?” said Colon. “I thought the damn’ thing smashed up…” Wee Mad Arthur looked down. “D’yez believe in that reincarnation stuff, Mr. Colon?” he said. “You wouldn’t get me touchin...
“He says it comes up through his boots!” He looked around. The shadows in the smoke seemed to be closing in. “I can’t be king! Ole Vimes’d go spare!” “ Will you stop saying that! ” Nobby pulled at his collar. “’S a bit hot and smoky in here,” he mumbled. “Which way’s the window?” “Over there—” The chair rocked. Nobby h...
Sock looked up at the sound of the door opening, and then cowered back against the sausage machine. “ You? ” he whispered. “Here, you can’t come back! I sold you!” Dorfl regarded him steadily for a few seconds, and then walked past him and took the largest cleaver from the blood-stained rack on the wall. Sock began to ...
It went “blaaaart!” What kind of noise was that for a sheep to make? He got up again and tried to make his way to the curb. “Shoo! Get out of the damn’ way, you sheep! Garn!” A goose hissed at him and stuck out altogether too much neck. Colon backed off, and stopped when something nudged him in the back. It was a pig. ...
“I do not wish to give that a try, sir!” “Well, can you steer it?” “How, sir?” “Take the bull by the horns, man!” Colon tentatively reached out and took a horn in each hand. Rogers the bull turned his head and nearly pulled him off. “He’s a bit stronger than me, sir! Quite a lot stronger actually, sir!” “I could shoot ...
“You’ve always been dead against zombies, excuse my pun,” said Sergeant Colon. “Any want to join, are there?” “Oh, yessir. Couple of good lads, sir, and but for the gray skin hangin’ off ’em you’d swear they hadn’t been buried five minutes. ” “Swear them in tomorrow. ” “Right, sir. Good idea. And of course it’s a great...
“Cheri,” said Carrot, “Do you know how to use any kind of weapon?” “Er…no, Captain Carrot. ” “Right. You just wait in the alley, then. I don’t want any harm coming to you. ” She scuttled off, looking relieved. Angua sniffed the air. “There’s been a vampire here,” she said. “I think we’d—” Carrot began. “I knew you’d fi...
Dorfl pushed himself back and smashed the other golem over the head with its own leg. As it spun Dorfl’s other hand lashed out, but was grabbed. The king swiveled with a strange grace, bore Dorfl to the floor, rolled and kicked out. Dorfl rolled too, flung out his arms to stop himself, and looked back to see both his f...
He landed on the king’s back, flung one arm around its neck, and began to pound on its head with the hilt of his sword. It staggered and tried to reach up to pull him off. “Got to get the words out!” Carrot shouted, as the arms flailed at him. “It’s the only…way!” The king staggered forward and hit a stack of boxes, wh...
“You can’t jus’ break in here—” “We ain’t just breakin’ in,” said Detritus. “Dis is an outrage,” said Igneous, “You got no right comin’ in here. You got no reason—” Detritus let go of the golem and spun around. His hand shot out and caught Igneous around the throat. “You see dose statchoos of Monolith over dere? You se...
He stared briefly at the volumes piled in the room. “And of course that’s what you’ve always done, isn’t it? These are the stock books of Ankh-Morpork. ” The crossbow swung back towards the vampire, who hadn’t moved. “Power over little people. That’s what vampires want. The blood is just a way of keeping score. I wonde...
The poor devils didn’t have anything except their clay, and you bastards took away even that— ” Dragon leapt suddenly, bat-wings unfolding. Vimes’s wooden bolt clattered somewhere near the ceiling as he was borne down. “You really thought you could arrest me with a piece of wood?” said Dragon, his hand around Vimes’s n...
” “Sir?” “It seems I’ve only got to be unwell for a few days and you manage to upset everyone of any importance in this city. ” “Sir. ” “Was that a ‘yes, sir’ or a ‘no, sir’, Sir Samuel?” “It was just a ‘sir’, sir. ” Vimes glanced at a piece of paper. “Did you really punch the president of the Assassins’ Guild?” “Yes, ...
“It’s no good, sir,” he said. “I’ve been trying to swear him in for half an hour, sir, and we keep ending up arguing about oaths and things. ” “You willing to be a Watchman, Dorfl?” said Vimes. “Yes. ” “Right. That’s as good as a swear to me. Give him his badge, Fred. And this is for you, Dorfl. It’s a chit to say you’...
“All right, you fellows, there’s no need for any of that—” “But Offler is a vengeful god,” said a priest at the back of the crowd. “Trigger-happy is what he is,” said Ridcully. Another lightning bolt zigzagged down but bent at right-angles a few feet above the Chief Priest’s hat and earthed itself on a wooden hippo, wh...
[But] the notions Pratchett plays with are nae so narrow or nae so silly as your ordinary British farce. Seriously. ” San Diego Union-Tribune “Discworld takes the classic fantasy universe through its logical, and comic, evolution. ” Cleveland Plain Dealer “Terry Pratchett may still be pegged as a comic novelist but…he’...
Since there were two separate visions, Rogers had reasoned, that meant there must be two bulls (bulls not having been bred for much deductive reasoning). Most bulls believe this, which is why they always keep turning their head this way and that when they look at you. They do this because both of them want to see. Terr...
“You shut up! It’s your future I’m thinking about, my lad—” “Yes, but who cares who saw it first, Dad? We’re both hundreds of miles from home! I mean, who’s going to know , Dad?” The two squid fishermen glared at one another. The dripping buildings rose above them. There were holes that might well have been doorways, a...
People’d live for ages side by side, nodding at one another amicably on their way to work every day, and then some trivial thing would happen and someone would be having a garden fork removed from their ear. And now some damn rock had risen up out of the sea and everyone was acting as if Klatch had let its dog bark all...
It is known to have been above the sea almost a thousand years ago, however, when records suggest that it was considered part of the Ankh-Morpork empire—” “What is the nature of these records and do they tell us who was doing the considering?” said the Patrician. The door opened and Vimes stepped in. “Ah, commander, do...
” “That’s all perfectly legal! The Guild of Accountants—” “Ah yes. Guild of Accountants: gross earnings AM$7,999,011. Taxes paid: nil. But, ah yes, I see they applied for a rebate of AM$200,000. ” “And what we received, I may say, included a Hershebian half- dong ,” said Mr. Frostrip of the Guild of Accountants. “What ...
It demonstrates the friendly alliance between the University and the civil government which, I may say, seems to consist of their promising to do anything we ask provided we promise not to ask them to do anything. Anyway, it is your duty. Tradition decrees it. And Lady Sybil has agreed to see to it that you are there w...
” “I wouldn’t call it clever ,” said Sergeant Colon, realizing too late that he’d made a tactical error. “More, luck, I’d say. ” “What else did they do?” “Well, there’s…” Colon racked his brains. “There’s al-gebra. That’s like sums with letters. For…for people whose brains aren’t clever enough for numbers, see?” “Is th...
“Please! We’re just robbers and thieves! We’re not bad men!” Carrot nodded to Constable Shoe. “Take them down to the Yard, constable. ” “Right!” said Reg. There was a mean look in his eye as he cocked his crossbow. “I’m down ten dollars thanks to you. So you’d better not try to escape. ” “No, sir. Not us. ” Carrot wand...
I don’t think the Assassins’ Guild has anything planned but tonight we’re going to check the route the wizards’ procession will be taking. A nice little job for the night shift. And tonight we’re all on the night shift. ” There was a groan from the Watch. “As my old sergeant used to say, if you can’t take a joke you sh...
At such times you could just…sort of hunch your shoulders like this and let your head pull in like this and you became a little hutch of warmth and peace, the rain banging on your helmet, the mind just ticking over, sorting out the world… It was like this in the old days, when no one cared about the Watch and all you r...
Pretty blue and white squares showed a pattern of waves and shells and, in the middle, a squid. And Les had said, “That looks pretty big, Dad. ” And everyone had looked around at the weed-covered buildings and had shared the Thought, which remained unspoken but was made up of a lot of little thoughts like the occasiona...
Right! And I don’t mind what people call me , neither. ” Colon scratched his head. “Don’t make sense, really. I reckon Sir Sam is missing too much sleep. ” “He’s a very busy man, Fred. ” “Trying to do everything, that’s his trouble. And…Nobby?” “Yes?” “It’s Sergeant Colon, thanks. ” There was sherry. There was always s...
” There was a diplomatic pause but, in it, someone sniggered. Vimes let his glance drift sideways to the other man, who had not been introduced. He was shorter and skinnier than the Prince and, under his black headdress, had the most crowded face Vimes had ever seen. A network of scars surrounded a nose like an eagle’s...
Feathers and antiques, gold braid and fur… Perhaps it was because he was tired, or just because he was trying to shut out the world, but Vimes found himself slowing down into the traditional watchman’s walk and the traditional idling thought process. It was an almost Pavlovian response. * The legs swung, the feet moved...
They just seemed to turn up, like a tack on the sole of your shoe. “Ah, Vimes,” said Vetinari. “Sir. ” “Let us not beat about the bush, Vimes. How did the man get up there when your people had so thoroughly checked everything last night? Magic?” “Couldn’t say, sir. ” Carrot, still staring straight ahead, blinked. “Your...
Here and there it was illuminated by a very faint glow from around the edges of the little panels which, if gently slid back, would allow someone to look out through the eyesockets of a handy portrait. They were a relic of a previous ruler. Vetinari never bothered with them. Looking out of someone else’s eyes wasn’t th...
“And it could be built?” “What? Oh, yes. Macaroon? In theory. ” “In theory?” “No one would ever actually do it. Raining unquenchable fire down upon fellow humans? Hah!” Leonard sprayed macaroon crumbs. “You’d never find an artisan to build it, or a soldier who would pull the lever…That’s part 3(b) on the plan, just her...
But…” “I’m ahead of you,” said Vimes. “You’re a big lad, Carrot. Our late Ossie had arms like Nobby. I could put my hand round them. ” “Yes, sir. It’s a hundred-pound draw. I doubt if he could even pull the string back. ” “I’d hate to watch him try. Good grief…the only thing he could be sure of hitting with a bow like ...
“Room? You shoulda said,” she said. “Two dollars a week, no pets, no cookin’, no wimmin after six a. m. , if you don’t want it thousands do, are you with the circus? You look like you’re with the circus. ” * “We’re—” Colon began, and then stopped. There were undoubtedly a large number of things to be apart from policem...

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