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**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Because you'd mentioned not wanting to come to work, but other conflicts... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So it's a conflict multiplier... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** ...this being on repeat. This initiation phase. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** If you never get to the differentiation and the resolution, it's on repeat for you, and it's gonna multiply conflict in other areas, with other people, in other places in your life. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. Well, think about something that happened at work, and then you go home; or think about the thing that happened at home and then you went to work. Everybody else or other things are just collateral damage. They're after. Right? Because it's like "Wooh! I felt that person coming in hot t... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, you can sometimes see somebody coming in, as you said, hot... But you can almost see they're looking for a fight. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right, yes. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Because they wanna take it out on somebody. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Well, and interestingly enough, I don't think that people are necessarily reflective all the time around how much they need and desire resolution. That going "If I could resolve this, I could move on." And for a lot of us, it might not have happened that we had good repair or resolution in rel... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, I thrive in life when resolution is possible... And the reason why I say "is possible" is because sometimes resolution is not possible. You might have conflict with somebody who's just not willing to resolve the conflict. They almost thrive... People who thrive in conflict, I try to avoid. It'... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[31:48\] Yeah. And we've referenced this in the other episode on empathy - to go "If somebody isn't willing to see my perspective, there's a wall, and I need to then make changes in that relationship, because the resolution phase is probably not going to occur." Because that is two people goi... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, mediation. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? Like, "Can I have somebody help us resolve the conflict? Because we've gotten to a point that we can't resolve it." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. Somebody who doesn't have a stake in any side of the gain; they can see both sides, and in a calm manner, with no emotion or lack of emotion in terms of both sides, state the obvious and the facts. And potentially, some options for resolution, and maybe they're limited. Like, you've got three... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. It's interesting, because in this conflict resolution the focus is on the resolution and not the emotion... But I think we've referenced this before - when I get heated and elevated, I'm more prone from my internal perspective to see things far and narrow, as a self-protective sort of m... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. The resolution phase is like, you've got options, exploring those options... But the key there is that the conflict itself is a dead end road. It doesn't go anywhere. But the conflict is -- you don't wanna hang out there. It's a cul-de-sac, it doesn't go anywhere; round and round you go. The ... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's my layman's version of compromise. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right?! Well, you got at some really important things though, Adam, in terms of "What are some skills relative to conflict management?" We've got active listening... I love this; this is like psychotherapy 101, like "Can you listen and accurately perceive where another person is at?" This woul... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's right. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So you can pitch to where someone is at. So active listening... Emotional intelligence, patience... You talked about impartiality, and this sense of positivity, and open communication. If I'm not open - very much like a drawbridge; there's a moat, and you're not coming over. See ya. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[36:09\] Yeah... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** There's not gonna be a connection or a coming together. There's just going to be irreparation. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. For a resolution to happen, you need to listen, you need to have some patience... The openness is sort of a wide and diverse version of that. You have to be open to reconnection, because sometimes conflict is about remaining disconnected. The conflict goes round and round whenever -- and the p... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** You have to be open to connection again. It's a reconnection event. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. I love even my mis-words, but irreparable - there isn't any repair option available, so it's sort of like there is no solution... And that never feels good, because there can't be the connection. And because we're designed to be in relationship and be connected, then it's sort of like "... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, I think there's gonna be different variations of closure to an event like this. And it may not always be the happiest or the most enjoyable version or variation of it, but... And that's my question to you - what do you do when you can't resolve the conflict? If it can't be resolved... Maybe ba... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. My favorite word, a favorite question that I offer often with patients is sort of legit - if that's where this person is while they're still doing that and acting that way, what are you gonna choose to do? Because I'm only ever always in charge of myself, and so if someone isn't going t... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. Well, it goes back to that show we did on the power of your choice... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, yeah... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** ...which we'll put in the show notes. We highly recommend that. That's eye-opening to me even, to go back and listen to it... Hey, I go back and listen to our shows, by the way. It's good to understand the power of your choice. Things happen in this world. FOMO happens in this world. Events happen t... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[39:53\] Yeah. And one little caveat with that is going -- you know, sometimes we all have been through things that make it harder for us to see that we do have choices... That might mean "Hey, I need to get some additional help, or professional help, or support etc." But people want to disco... |
So with that, I think there is some resolution skills that we can talk through... But before we get there, I want to sort of -- I thought this was really interesting, when we were discussing the show... There's actually styles of conflict management, which is pretty predominant in the world of human resources... So the... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** No... So cool though. This is such a multi-faceted problem that it's got styles of management. Not resolution, but management. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? Like, how do you respond to conflict. And when we talk about "name it to tame it", when we're able to have words around dynamics and emotions and phenomenons, we can manage them differently, right? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, absolutely. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So the five styles are collaborating, competing, avoiding, accommodating and compromising. Interesting, huh? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So this collaborating style is this combination of being both assertive and cooperative. People who collaborate often try to work with others to identify a solution that fully satisfied everyone's concerns. This is not like avoidance, but this one is really best when you're looking at this sor... |
I think about it in the sports realm, of going - you have the owners of teams and then the coaches... And while they both want success, the route they get to success and what they're valuing most might differ, maybe (just maybe). And so there could be conflict around "How can we collaborate so that our players are heal... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. That's definitely a team management scenario for sure, because you need to solve the conflict in a way that there's a healthy compromise for everyone... And that's what collaborating does - it recognizes everyone's stake in the game, so to speak, to keep going back to the analogy. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[43:47\] Yeah. So you brought in compromise, but this collaborating - I think of it like braiding. Like, "Okay, yours gets to count, and yours gets to count, and we're gonna figure out a way to braid these together, so that everyone's happy." Then that compromising style is "This is just tryi... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** "We have to go one way, so can everybody deal with this? Okay, okay, okay..." It's kind of painful to some, but not everyone. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. And that style is super-helpful, where time is of the essence. It's like, "Look, guys, we've just gotta get a deal done. Come on, throw me a bone. You throw me a bone. Alright, moving on." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
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