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**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** But the important thing with that compromising style is that really unfortunately nobody's ultimately satisfied, because neither person got what they want. They're like "You conceited, and you conceited, and we're moving on." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** What I like about this though - and I'm seeing a theme here - is that for each style there's a priority. One may be the relationship, one may be the time, one may be the lack of the relationship... So it's like, if you're gonna deal with at a group level, an HR level in this case in particular - if ... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? I'm glad you've talked about relationship \[unintelligible 00:45:44.02\] is a different focus for each style. The accommodating style is really the one where you're trying to preserve or build the relationship. So this is opposite of competing. There's an element of self-sacrifice when ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, "I really don't care about you... But sure, you can have this. Fine." |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right, but you think you're giving someone. And interestingly enough -- I see this a lot in significant relationships... And like we mentioned at the beginning, about lies of omission - "I'm not really gonna tell you that that's not really what I wanted, but I'm gonna give that to you. But you... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Whoa, hang on now, hang on now... We're getting some behind-the-scenes here of how a therapist feels after seven years of doing these kinds of things for people, and what they see... \[laughs\] |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** No, the reason I say that is because the research actually says that couples wait on average seven years after problems start before they go to therapy... And then they say therapy doesn't work. But that's just it. The conflict started so long ago, and part of the challenge, especially with th... |
Look, if you're staying late and doing extra-work and you're taking hits for the team all the time because you're like "Hey, I'm just trying to get it done. I just want to make sure boss is happy, and this is what the boss needs", but you don't tell your team members, and then you're ticked because you're there on a Sa... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[48:15\] Hey, that's misalignment of clarity and expectation, right? Going back to that. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yup. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** But also what you described was just simply compounding conflict. In a relationship standpoint, if you keep smacking your head against the wall, over time you're gonna be like "Man, that really sucks. I'm never doing it again." And that's essentially what seven years builds up to - smacking your hea... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, right? Because it's painful. That's just it. The other style that can be really challenging is -- well, both of these aren't super-effective, but competing style or avoiding. Competing is really people who are assertive and uncooperative, and they're just like "Hey, I'm gonna do whatever... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Somebody's getting hurt, essentially... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** You got it. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. Somebody's walking away with a black eye, or something. Or a broken bone, or a slap in the face. Red cheeks. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So then lastly is this avoiding style. These people who avoid conflict tend to be both unassertive and uncooperative, while they diplomatically side-step or withdraw from threatening things. It's like the procrastination style at its finest. You just avoid. "I didn't see it, I didn't hear it. ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's what happens. Just move on then. That's a really tough one, because I can see two sides of that... Without digging into the super-details, but somebody might want to be observant, and so their silence is their observance, or their observation... But I suppose if -- without understanding the t... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Sure. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** But sometimes it's not really avoiding, it's just sort of like "I'm observing what's happening here, and my silence is seen as avoiding." |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Well, with that I would say there's caveats around the length of time, right? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Sure. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So if we're going "A part of effective conflict management and resolution involves managing myself, maybe I need to step away for ten minutes. Maybe ten days... That might be a little long." But that there is a return to it. But it can get muddled again if other people are present, witnessing ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So then other people had this, but nobody else was privy to it, so other people are left with the residual effects of the conflict, but they didn't get the repair like the other people or teams. It changes it. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's just like, "Can we punt this for a bit? Everybody cool, can we punt this for a bit? Okay, we'll avoid this for a bit." |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[51:52\] But the conflict is still there, it is still occurring, it has effects... But maybe that's sort of a portion of compromising, the fact that you've all agreed to punt it for a bit... And that is the resolution. But either way, the resolution isn't occurring today, so therefore the pain cont... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. So if I swing back over to then what are some of the skills involved with resolving conflict, one of the most significant things you can do is not jump to the defense. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** It's hard, because you're sort of taking in something that might not fit for you, that might not be where you are coming from, but this is why - going back to listening - active listening is so important. So if I really can hear and then clarify... Gosh, this really does feel like a bit of a m... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. "What I think I heard you say was..." Etc. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yes. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And in that way, it's like "Well, kind of right, kind of wrong. What I really was saying was this, and this is where you didn't hear what I said correctly..." And it's less like "You're wrong and I'm right", but it's more like "What's true?" Because sometimes you can say something, and somebody hear... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yup. Not too far from that, another awesome skill is keeping things in the form of I. So use I statements. "What I thought." Not "You did. You/They", but rather "Me/I heard it this way. This is what we were thinking" etc. Because it's ownership, and I'm then conveying from my perspective; I'm ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yes, yes... Well, you have to be willing, too. Like we said before, the open communication - you've gotta be open to reconnection; you have to be willing for resolution to occur. So a skill has got to be like -- if you're not willing, then you're still gonna be stuck back at the whole initiation pha... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. And we talked about that panoramic view - prioritizing the resolution of the conflict over being right. I think I've said this in other episodes, about relationship and going "You could be right, but you might be alone." So if I'm prioritizing resolving the conflict, to some degree I'm ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. Well, Dr. Siegel has that book - it's only in audio form though... It's The Neurobiology of We. It kind of bums me out it's not in text form, because I wanna cite it easier than scanning an audio file... Which is fine, but -- something he'd mentioned as part of that book was "The key to a thri... |
\[56:10\] Connection is what enables. Disconnection is what... Disconnects. The reason why we're on this subject at large is because connection is key, connection is important. And because we're a social species, we have to understand the need and the role of others in our lives. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yes. And we need everybody to do themselves as best they can... Because everybody's a singular human, and when each person does their role and where they're at, at whatever point in time, we all do better together. I think about it like learning how to dance - rhythms change, and music tempo s... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I like your analogy of the music, because if you listen to a song and you isolate one single instrument, is it the song? No... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** It is not... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It is not the song. Life is an orchestration of many sounds in synergy, in unison, in rhythm, in harmony... And that's what I think is important to understand about conflict - we are all instruments in this game of life... A composition of life is probably the better analogy to say. This composition... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Romantic love. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, thank you, romantic love. It can just be simply "I care enough about that person. I respect that person to want well for them." That's what it's really about. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So connection is so important... In fact, there's a psychiatrist who I think we've referenced before by the name of Dan Siegel, who came up with this theoretical framework about ourselves and others, who wrote this book or did the audiobook for The Neurobiology of We... But he developed this w... |
Like we've mentioned before, our brains - we are born to wire, to relate to others. And like I said before, social neuroscience studies show that our neural circuitry responses for both physical pain and social pain overlap. So the idea of having a person, a human, a comforting relational presence can actually decrease... |
This is where and why this can be so, so valuable, because leadership can look at how can we use mindsight, this awareness of what Siegel calls openness, objectivity and observation as critical components to being able to be aware of myself and another person, so that I can integrate my own internal state, and then use... |
• Definition of a mental framework as the way individuals learn to make sense of themselves and the world |
• Unique perspectives and infinite worldviews due to individual experiences and responses |
• Importance of developing awareness of one's mental framework and biases |
• Programming and conditioning through past experiences, trauma, and external influences |
• Trauma and its effects on mental frameworks and behavior |
• Current global situation (shelter in place) as a new form of conditioning and programming |
• Development of negative mental frameworks, such as "outside bad, inside good" |
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