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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096948 | [S1] that is that person's journey. But then there's a part for the couple to say like, "What will the intimacy be like for us given the history? And how do we support each other- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... and have patience with each other?" And I want to name is we're talking about people is not only self-care but communi... | 29.88 | 3.378317 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096948.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096949 | [S1] Right, that people still choose you, that people, uh, that you feel seen and heard and supported. Uh, there's emotional social support, which is like someone I can cry with. [S2] Yeah. [S1] Someone I can share my good news with, someone who I can vent to. Uh, but then there's also instrumental social support. Are ... | 29.88 | 3.386766 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096949.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096950 | [S1] ... tears, but they can help you find a job, right? So that's another type of support. [S2] Yeah. For, I'm, I'm surprised and saddened by the number of people that will reach out when they hear you say that. [S1] Yeah. [S2] And say, "I have no one." [S1] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [S2] When you have somebody that you are wor... | 23.76 | 3.386585 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096950.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096951 | [S1] What are the rituals or the tools or the tactics? 'Cause you give homework in this book. [S2] Yes. [S1] Every chapter has homework. [S2] That's right. [S1] I would imagine every counseling session that you do as a therapist has homework. [S2] Yeah. [S1] So what would the homework be if you're somebody who says, "I... | 22.8 | 3.53141 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096951.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096952 | [S1] And to first get their buy-in, can we say that that's a goal for you, is to make friends. And so then we have to think about where are we gonna get these friends? Sometimes it's brand new people. Um, so it may be you sign up for a cooking class or you join a book club or you join a political organization or your y... | 29.88 | 3.304105 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096952.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096953 | [S1] been talking recently and issued the advisory about loneliness. [S2] Yep. [S1] And what I like to tell people is, loneliness is nothing to be ashamed of. Some people, when they hear you say you're lonely, they just say you need to love yourself. And I like to say, "That's not the same thing." [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] You... | 27.44 | 3.401662 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096953.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096954 | [S1] Wow. And what about, you talked, we just touched on this, and I know so many people do not like what they do for a living. [S2] Yeah. [S1] And in the book, you write about having a job that was very toxic. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] Can you describe what it felt like to walk into work and how you practice a homecoming- [S2... | 21.04 | 3.412624 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096954.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096955 | [S1] Yes. Uh, it is so, uh, stressful in your body, in your mind. And that's even before you can do your work, right? Just the- [S2] True. [S1] ... the, the social- [S2] The Sunday scary's, the driving in, the, oh God. [S1] Oh, dreading it. It's, it's terrible. And so then, of course, you can't flow in a spirit of exce... | 27.68 | 3.265422 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096955.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096956 | [S1] So that you show up with your cup already full. [S2] So can you give us an example? [S1] Yeah. [S2] What does that mean? [S1] Yes. So first of all, wake up before you have to get up. [S2] Okay. What does that mean? [S1] That means don't set your alarm for the time you have to jump out of bed and jump in the shower... | 18.08 | 3.460532 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096956.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096957 | [S1] So now I'm going into a toxic place already feeling anxious. [S2] Okay. [S1] So you want to wake up a little bit earlier and then figure out what are the practices that would nourish me. For some people that will be listening to music, I like to say, and every season of your life, come up with your theme song. | 17.68 | 3.46697 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096957.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096958 | [S1] Yep. [S2] So your theme song will get you in the right mindset. Uh, doing some stretching next to the bed, body movement, exercise. Some people go for early morning walk, so then they already feel settled and float down. Uh, meditation and/or prayer. Uh, reading something, uh, inspirational can, and that can kind ... | 25.08 | 3.408557 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096958.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096959 | [S1] ... this matter? You know, 'cause I, 'cause when somebody's like, "You have no idea. I have this abusive boss and these jerks that I work with and I can't quit and I've got bills to play. Don't sit here, Dr. Tama, and tell me that I should, I should freaking stretch." [S2] Yes. [S1] "Go for a walk. Are you crazy, ... | 29.76 | 3.539498 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096959.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096960 | [S1] Yeah. So if we center our full session every week on your boss, then all you are is your boss's worker. And there is a you beyond your boss. [S2] Wow. Is that true about being in a bad relationship too? [S1] Yes. | 18.64 | 3.337399 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096960.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096961 | [S1] ... to. [S2] Yes. Yeah. That, uh, they, they consume a lot of your energy and time. [S1] Yeah. [S2] But you were a person before you met them. And whether this continues or not, you're going to be a person. And we want to meet that person. [S1] Mm-hmm. [S2] We want to nourish that person because there is more to y... | 25.32 | 3.427817 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096961.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096962 | [S1] You end every therapy session and every chapter of the book the same way. And you also end every episode of the Homecoming podcast the same way. So I would love to have you, to invite you- [S2] Yeah. [S1] ... to end our conversation with it. [S2] Beautiful. | 23.16 | 3.319687 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p68_m4-dialogue_0096962.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371350 | [S1] So Dr. Romany, I'm so excited to be here with you. [S2] Narcissism is not a diagnosis, okay? [S1] Wait, what? [S2] The core of narcissism is a deep insecurity. [S1] You're not crazy. You're around somebody who's making you believe you are. I'm trying to pick my mouth up off the floor. [S2] Well, if we only said on... | 25.16 | 3.004087 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371350.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371351 | [S1] from the experiences of interacting, being raised by, or dating narcissists. So, so Dr. Romany, I'm so excited to be here with you. [S2] I'm so happy. It's so good to see you. It's been a while. The pandemic, you know, changed the game, right? We've, we've been in touch electronically. I think I'd even done someth... | 25.84 | 3.280148 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371351.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371352 | [S1] Thank you. [S2] So, I mean it. You profoundly changed my life. [S1] Oh, thank you. [S2] And the reason why is because I have, like many people, had a lot of experience with folks that are narcissists. And you, what I learned from you about what narcissism is, what it isn't. The tools that you have taught me in ord... | 27.44 | 3.448697 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371352.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371353 | [S1] ... Nothing you can do to make Chicago warmer in February. It is going to be cold, bundle up, great city, but it's going to be cold. [S2] Okay. [S1] Right? [S2] I wanna, I wanna just, uh, go there was a wake-up call right there. | 11.28 | 3.34828 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371353.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371354 | [S1] When you're done listening to this episode and you understand what narcissism is and you learn the signs to spot it, take away number one is you cannot change the weather in Chicago. [S2] Mm-hmm, no. [S1] And you cannot change the behavior of a narcissist. [S2] No. [S1] So let's start at the beginning because peop... | 27.44 | 3.401657 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371354.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371355 | [S1] Okay, so let's get, I'm, I'm, I even want to go to step zero from step one here, is to say, narcissism is not a diagnosis, okay? [S2] Wait, what? [S1] It's not. Everyone's like, "Don't diagnose people." I'm like, okay. I, I roll up to someone, I said, "If I called you stubborn, | 17.32 | 3.42525 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371355.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371356 | [S1] Would you tell me I'm diagnosing you? They're like, "No." If I told you you were agreeable, would you tell me I'm diagnosing you? No. Then why are you saying narcissism's a diagnosis when it's not? It is a personality style, just like agreeableness, just like introversion. All of those are personality styles. Nobo... | 27.48 | 3.160337 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371356.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371357 | [S1] So narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis, right? Okay, that is. [S2] Okay. [S1] That's a very specific, three words, specific. It's like if, let me put it this way. No one would get mad at you if you walked up and said, "Gosh, you're sad. You seem a little depressed." "[GASPS] Don't diagnose me!" | 17.64 | 3.399479 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371357.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371358 | [S1] We'd be okay with you saying, "Oh, you're sad. You seem a little depressed." Right? [S2] Yes. [S1] Why? Depressed actually is a kind of a clinical term, right? Depression, it's actually called major depressive disorder, is a diagnosis. That's actually more on point, but this word has got people so worked up, "Don'... | 28.92 | 3.282603 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371358.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371359 | [S1] ... a personality style. It is a maladaptive style, it is an antagonistic style, but it's a style. No different than any other personality style. Okay? [S2] Okay, so just so I make sure that I'm tracking and everybody's tracking. [S1] Mm-hmm. [S2] So basically, we've collapsed two things when we talk about narciss... | 28.12 | 3.473172 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371359.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371360 | [S1] No. [S2] Oh, okay. [S1] No, no, no, no, no. I got a personality, you got a personality. People listening and watching this, they've got a personality, and that's their personality. I know, I'm, for example, Mel, I'm introverted, okay? Everyone's like, "No, you talk so much." I'm, "Oh, heck no." There was a day the... | 29.8 | 3.23078 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371360.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371361 | [S1] So I am a naturally introverted person. I am never going to be the life of the party. I am never going to want to go to a party. I am not a joiner, and after I spend time with a large group of people, I collapse into bed, okay? [S2] Yep. [S1] That's my personality, okay? I've been like that since all my life, righ... | 29.8 | 3.416945 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371361.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371362 | [S1] ... with an extroverted person, they actually kinda lose their mind. I don't have plans. Where is everybody? I can't believe I need to be alone. I work with clients who are extroverted and they really are upset about that. And as an introverted therapist, I, for a minute I was like, "What? Like, that sounds like f... | 29.8 | 3.332788 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371362.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371363 | [S1] And so, and that's real. I can't say, "Don't be ridiculous. Use your time alone." Like, just like if somebody said, "Don't be ridiculous, Romany. You're at a party. You know, lighten up." It's the same thing. So that's why I'm saying, you are what you are. I, I actually think a lot of people out there don't have n... | 21.12 | 3.456271 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371363.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371364 | [S1] ... personality style. [S2] What is this? So, so there, but there's two things just so I'm tracking that we're gonna talk about. We're gonna talk about narcissism as a personality style. [S1] Yeah. [S2] And then narcissistic personality disorder, which is a diagnosis. [S1] It's a diagnosis. [S2] Got it. [S1] And y... | 28.8 | 2.869234 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371364.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371365 | [S1] That's enough. [S2] Yeah. [S1] Because then you can spot the signs. [S2] Yep. [S1] Then you can learn to protect yourself. And if I'm gonna extrapolate what you're saying, you're basically saying the 1-4% of people that ever get that diagnosis anyway, already have the personality type. [S2] Already. [S1] So it doe... | 23.88 | 3.44121 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371365.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371366 | [S1] ... don't know they're managing. [S2] ... don't go to therapy. That's the thing. That's what I'm saying. So there's a lot of people out there who may have this quote, unquote, diagnosis. They're never gonna get diagnosed because they're never across the table from a licensed mental health professional who's actual... | 27.72 | 3.417689 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371366.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371367 | [S1] Oh, you see what I'm saying? [S2] Okay, hold on. Hold on. So that was also just, she, you just said it again. You cannot change the weather in Chicago. [S1] Nope. [S2] And you cannot do anything to change somebody with a narcissistic personality? | 14.04 | 3.503442 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371367.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371368 | [S1] Oh, that's interesting because what I'm thinking about right now is there's a, there's a pretty, uh, well, there's a pretty famous TED Talk, but I think it's Dr. Schwartz talking about personality. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] And what he basically says, and now I'm realizing it's the flexibility you're talking about. [S2] M... | 19.8 | 3.367096 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371368.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371369 | [S1] And I am very introverted. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] But when it matters to me- [S2] Yes. [S1] ... I can be flexible. I can stand in front of- [S2] Mm-hmm, yep. [S1] ... that, you know, that, that classroom- [S2] Yeah. [S1] ... and I can profess. But the second that lecture is over, I collapse. [S2] I'm done. That's it. T... | 15.96 | 3.42009 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371369.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371370 | [S1] That's it. [S2] So the flexibility you're talking about is that an extrovert like me can shut up and be alone when it matters. [S1] Mm-hmm. [S2] An introvert like you can step in front of the mic, invite people into your home when it matters. [S1] Yep. Yep. Yep. [S2] But that flexibility is very limited. It's tied... | 21.6 | 3.314627 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371370.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371371 | [S1] The challenges is that that person with a narcissistic personality not only has trouble stretching, it's not even the stretching as much as the changing. You see, here's the challenge with the narcissistic personality, which I still haven't described and I'm aware of it. [S2] Sorry. [S1] But the, uh, the challenge... | 29.88 | 3.469489 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371371.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371372 | [S1] So if narcissism is disagreeableness, agreeableness is the other side of that. Agreeable people are, I love agreeable people. They're the best. Like, I just would like a, like a little commune full of them. We're never gonna take over the world. [S2] Sure, we can have one. [S1] And we're not gonna make a lot of mo... | 27 | 3.389785 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371372.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371373 | [S1] Right. [S2] So what is narcissism? [S1] So narcissism is a person who has a lack of empathy | 9.36 | 3.385315 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371373.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371374 | [S1] ... thing that, I've been studying narcissism since before. There were social media, and I was like, "What the holy hell just happened?" [S2] What have you seen? [S1] I mean, what happened was, but, narcissism's always been around. As long as they were human beings. I mean, I'm guessing, like, Attila the Hun was p... | 29.88 | 2.891289 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371374.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371375 | [S1] ... day. So I think that what, it's always been there. [S2] Yeah. [S1] Okay. | 5.76 | 3.145114 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371375.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371376 | [S1] The difference was, back in the day, if you needed validation, okay, you and I are both old enough to know about rotary dial phones and no answering machines and no social media, okay? So, there was a time if you needed validation, you actually had to clean up and leave the house. [S2] True. [S1] Right? Like you a... | 29.88 | 3.31164 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371376.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371377 | [S1] ... place to do this. So where narcissists really did their, their, their dirty work was they would harm the people around them. Very dominant, probably cruel to spouses, cruel to children. I think if you look at family lines of this, inter-generationally, they'll say like, "Yeah, really brutal father, really brut... | 29.88 | 3.370131 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371377.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371378 | [S1] ... systems have always been there. And so what happened though, is one day, I remember it so well. I, I remember the house I was living in. Somebody said to me, "Have you seen this thing called Facebook?" I'm like, "Facebook?" And I rem- I remember what a Facebook was. [S2] Right. [S1] A Facebook was that group o... | 29.8 | 3.367382 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371378.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371379 | [S1] I had no idea what was going to come with the Instagram and the influencing and all. I had no idea what was coming there, but I thought, "Wow, no, nobody needs to leave the house." They can put forth a false version of themselves, the grandiose version, the fantasy version, and sit at home and let the validation c... | 23.32 | 3.405348 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371379.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371380 | [S1] Everyone listening to this, it will say, "There are four kids in our family, and I have a brother who's narcissistic, and the rest of us are really cool, and nice, and kind to each other." So think of how many people out there who have siblings, and like, "I'm, uh, my, my sister's really kind, and my other sister'... | 25.36 | 3.076885 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371380.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371381 | [S1] And they're demanding. And as they grow up, "Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me." And they're always doing things for attention. And they're disruptive and they won't sit still. And, and as they enter preschool and school, the teachers always, "Shh, sit down, stop that." So they're already ... | 29.96 | 3.315233 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371381.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371382 | [S1] So, so if I can just make sure I'm understanding. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] What you're basically saying is, even regardless of temperament, if you're not getting your emotional needs met, if you do not feel safe and secure in your house, if you have a parent that- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... abandons you, a parent that's abusi... | 24.08 | 3.453598 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371382.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371383 | [S1] Many, many, many, many people grew up in situations like that of trauma, of neglect, of abuse, of chaos, and they do not go on to become narcissistic. They typically go on to become rather anxious adults with poor self-appraisal, um, who don't know their value and worth, a whole other different burden to carry. Bu... | 29.96 | 3.496749 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371383.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371384 | [S1] I always say narcissism is a story we, the development of narcissism is a story we can tell backwards but never forwards. [S2] Oh. [S1] So if I, I'm thinking, I have some clients who have been through horrific early childhood trauma, horrific. Um, physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence. They grew up in chaos. To t... | 29.96 | 3.281965 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371384.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371385 | [S1] It definitely, if we view this from a probability standpoint, there's more negative outcomes that could come, either internalized, dis- disliking oneself, or externalized, and that's more of what narcissism could potentially look like. Now, there's a secondary path to narcissism. [S2] Okay. [S1] And that secondary... | 29.96 | 3.491179 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371385.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371386 | [S1] It's that you're more special than somebody else. [S2] Oh. [S1] That was sort of the, that was the, sort of the penny drop moment, which is very much what you could imagine a more narcissistic parent doing. My child is more special than the other children. My child deserves special treatment. My child should play ... | 23.6 | 3.417522 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371386.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371387 | [S1] ... critical things. Three critical things I'd say every child needs. [S2] Okay, so there's three critical things every child needs. [S1] Secure attachment. [S2] So explain it. Secure attachment. [S1] Secure attachment. | 9.88 | 3.339908 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371387.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371388 | [S1] ... happens when a child has at least one primary caregiver that is consistently available, that the child feels that they can call that caregiver when they need them, that, that, that, that secure attachment develops over the early years. And we're talking birth to like two or three. This is something where you g... | 29.88 | 3.455771 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371388.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371389 | [S1] You see, whereas that securely attached child would actually be happy to see the parent when they return. [S2] Got it. [S1] See? [S2] Okay. [S1] So now that secure attachment is number one, and that's created by consistency and availability in that early environment. You need one parent doing that and it, one prim... | 22.2 | 3.408321 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371389.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371390 | [S1] Sure, we can do that again. But you need to learn to be present, that not every outcome is the way you're going to want it to be. [S2] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [S1] That's number two. Number three is empathy. You've got to foster empathy in children and foster compassion. That can be through books they read, stories they e... | 29.88 | 3.419633 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371390.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371391 | [S1] You know, the reason why this is so interesting to me is because I think one of the challenges when you have either a narcissistic parent- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... or sibling- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... or boss- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... or somebody that you're in a relationship with- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... is that you think t... | 28.8 | 3.395501 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371391.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371392 | [S1] engaging, entrancing, exhilarating, charismatic, charming experiences you've ever had. They've hung the moon, they've hung the sun, only for you. It is, I mean, it's dope-a-me, okay? [S2] It's literally a Jekyll and Hyde experience. [S1] It, it really, it is, but then at a time they don't feel safe or they're bore... | 20.88 | 3.417521 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371392.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371393 | [S1] ... throw the paper in your face. Really? Really? Oh, so you're James Joyce? You write it. You know, that kind of thing. So very reactive, very quick. [S2] Okay. [S1] Number two, oppositionality. If you tell them to do something, they, they'll go out of their way. They don't like being told what to do. So you migh... | 20.2 | 3.213025 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371393.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371394 | [S1] They are, their empathy is very superficial. Some people say, "No, no, no." They had empathy. I'm like, "Talk to me about that empathy." And what you'll see is that it is very performative. It's very superficial- [S2] So can you give us an example? [S1] An example might be, um, "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Your brothe... | 27.88 | 3.248656 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371394.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371395 | [S1] They'll say, I always say this, narcissistic folks are great at thank you cards and thank you gifts, but they're really bad at a true gratitude. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] So they will be seemingly empathic, but as soon as you go in a little deeper, like you're actually really talking about how your brother's illness affec... | 29.88 | 3.403996 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371395.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371396 | [S1] No. So, triangulation is creating chaos in environments. [S2] So, is that a fifth sign to look for a triangulation? Or- [S1] I would say that it's hard to look for triangulation. You have to look for the soft signs of triangulation, which be gossip, talking badly about other people, trying to get the goods on othe... | 26.12 | 3.328318 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371396.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371397 | [S1] Well, okay. So I don't know if anybody else listening is having the experience I'm having right now, where I, I, I have a pit in my stomach. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] Because I have at least one person, very prominent person, that I have in my mind in my life, and I'm like, check, check, check, check, check. Somebody's ta... | 29.88 | 3.448236 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371397.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371398 | [S1] What I want to know is, we'll get into what to do, but now that you're really kind of pulling apart the signs- [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] ... and we've learned that there are sort of two tracks in childhood where this behavior and this personality type is made- [S2] Mm-hmm. | 18.84 | 3.29106 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371398.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371399 | [S1] So it, it's not good. [S2] Oh, God. [S1] That's the best answer I can give you. It is not good. So let's remember two things. First of all, I'm gonna add a five B to that list, look for entitlement. Like that idea of they won't wait in line, they're, they're special, they expect special treatment and they get real... | 21.8 | 3.361397 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371399.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371400 | [S1] sense of self, because their parent never let them develop it, because in essence, the parent really experienced the child as an extension of themselves. When the tr- [S2] What does that mean? When, when the child's the extension of the parent? [S1] So it- | 11.6 | 3.356441 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371400.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371401 | [S1] Correct. [S2] Why? [S1] Because that, that, there's a guy named Daniel Shaw who writes about this brilliantly, and I want to credit him because I'm going to use his language. He, he talks about, and it's, I'm going to use a technical term and I'm going to bring it down to what all of us, how we'd make sense of it.... | 25.64 | 3.480897 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371401.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371402 | [S1] ... and implicitly communicates that to them. [S2] Yes. [S1] I wish you'd never been born. I, you're so much trouble. I would've had such an amazing career if it weren't for you. Child shouldn't be hearing that. They'll shame a child's weight, like, "Oh, goodness, if somebody's eating too much, it's your, 'cause y... | 29.88 | 3.367501 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371402.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371403 | [S1] ... and goes into adulthood, I would actually say it's almost a three-part whiplash. There is the sense of, you know what the tantrum is, you see it coming. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] You then have the experience of, | 12.56 | 3.522964 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371403.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371404 | [S1] Oh, is this my fault? I need to calm them down. I feel bad. And then you have the third experience that you may still have some good moments with that parent. [S2] Yes. [S1] That parent may be really smart, really interesting, really fun. I mean, in fact, a lot of people say, "As I got older, there were parts of m... | 29.88 | 3.487247 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371404.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371405 | [S1] ... bag-able and carry-able. Not so interested in him, not so cute on social media. Then there's this whew, long period where that child needs more than it can give back. Then the child gets into late adolescence and early adulthood, the parents interested again. They can go out to dinner with them, they can go to... | 29.88 | 3.454961 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371405.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371406 | [S1] You are there. Like you don't have an option. [S2] You don't have an option. [S1] And w- so what do you do now? If you're sitting there listening to this and you're going, "Oh my God, that's me," and I do keep jumping back into the fire. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] It's like this, are they super hostile or, you know, are th... | 28.16 | 3.249691 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371406.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371407 | [S1] This is me. What do you do? [S2] So, a couple things. All right, number one, I am not gonna sugarcoat this and say there's like three easy steps to pushing back from a narcissistic parent. This ain't TikTok, folks. Like, this is hard work. Okay? There is no three step, five step, 10 step, or even 172 step plan her... | 25.56 | 3.332442 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371407.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371408 | [S1] You need to wake up and realize that, first of all, you're not changing the weather in Chicago. [S2] Mm-mm. [S1] And you're not gonna change the personality type if your parent is a narcissist or you are in love with one. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] Okay. [S2] It's okay. So, number one is the acknowledgment. And this is the... | 21.28 | 3.37496 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371408.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371409 | [S1] Although you're this person's child, narcissistic people view all the people around them as objects. Like my coffee maker or my tea maker. This morning I made a cup of tea. I don't think about my tea maker unless I want a cup of tea. When I want a cup of tea, me and my tea maker interact. The rest of the day, don'... | 27.48 | 3.448877 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371409.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371410 | [S1] I'm trying to pick my mouth up off the floor because this is a revolutionary idea for me. That a narcissistic person isn't ever thinking about you unless they need something for you. [S2] Exactly. Exactly. [S1] And yet, if you have ever been in a serious relationship with a narcissist or you were raised by one, yo... | 22.8 | 3.295497 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371410.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371411 | [S1] ... all the time. All the ... You're ruminating about ... They're not thinking about you unless they need something from you or you're a blockade to something they need, right? Like you're not signing the deal or you're ... Because you're sick, they can't go to something. Now they're thinking about you 'cause they... | 22.08 | 3.45032 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371411.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371412 | [S1] ... will literally try to devote their lives to anticipating the narcissistic person's every need so they can finally, finally win them over, that they could do it just right. So that's not possible 'cause none of us are mind readers. Remember that. [S2] So what do you do? [S1] You give up. You, you have, you, at ... | 18.4 | 3.409298 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371412.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371413 | [S1] Be with the, the guilt of saying no, or go to the dinner with realistic expectations. That when you, and almost make it a game, like a personal bingo. You know, it's not quite a drinking game, 'cause if you took a shot every time they invalidated- [S2] [LAUGHS] It'd be wasted. [S1] ... you'd be loaded before the m... | 29.88 | 3.547553 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371413.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371414 | [S1] Day, I'm going to get ice cream. And on Thursday, I might get a massage. Like 15 invalidations is usually a massage for me. So I'm like, I'm- [S2] And that keeps you objective too. [S1] Yeah, and I'm like, I'm gone. And I'm like, "Do it again, do it again, do it again." We're 13, I really want the massage. So- [S2... | 21 | 3.159516 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371414.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371415 | [S1] Nope. Nope. I can't. If we all, if we only said one thing in this entire podcast episode is never, ever call out a narcissist, we, we would be giving the single most brilliant piece of advice. [S2] Why do you never call out a narcissist? [S1] Uh, I should, I'm gonna temper that with, it depends on what you want. I... | 27.16 | 3.274406 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371415.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371416 | [S1] I think the better way to do, to play that is you see them, now change your behavior. Stop being supply for them. Stop engaging with them. Stop taking the bait. [S2] So are you saying if you call home and the first thing out of somebody's mouth is, "Haven't heard from you in a long time," you should not say, "You ... | 29.12 | 3.414649 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371416.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371417 | [S1] And whoa, and then, where are they gonna go with that? 'Cause what you've done is you've taken away the volley. They're playing tennis, you need to play solitaire. [S2] Can you give us some other role plays? [S1] Um, so put, put another conversation starter out there for me. [S2] Um, uh, why don't you come to Than... | 26.48 | 3.470385 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371417.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371418 | [S1] Okay. So you go, this is where, and I'm going to step back before I role play that. I'm going to introduce the concept of True North. Okay. The true, true North. [S2] Okay. [S1] True North is a big healing, what we call healing technique for folks, or at least it's a more of a management technique than healing, I ... | 17.08 | 3.432541 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371418.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371419 | [S1] True North is that you need to figure out what in your life is worth fighting for. So maybe you're not going to Thanksgiving this year, not only 'cause you don't wanna see them, but it's your, your, your kid's playing football that day. [S2] Yeah. [S1] All right? And you do not wanna miss that football game. Or yo... | 29.88 | 3.437954 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371419.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371420 | [S1] ... you, whatever, your friends, you, you've decided to take a trip with your friends. Your true north is what is healthy for you, okay? So you've got to be clear on that. [S2] It sounds like it's a balance between how much guilt can you tolerate, right? [S1] Kind of. | 13.96 | 3.464231 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371420.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371421 | [S1] Kind of. It is and it isn't because the guilt is- [S2] Self-imposed. [S1] People feel guilt. People feel guilt when they believe they're doing something wrong. [S2] Oh. [S1] So to which I'd say, what did you do wrong? You'd feel guilt if you committed a crime, if you're guilt if you stole something, if you're guil... | 17.12 | 3.395481 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371421.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371422 | [S1] This is a huge take away. So if the lights are going off in your head and you're, and you're starting to go, wait a minute, I definitely either had a parent that had some narcissistic personality, or I'm in a relationship with somebody like this. The reason why you feel guilty is because if you don't do what they ... | 28.52 | 3.276637 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371422.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371423 | [S1] You were trained to believe that is. And if you had a parent like that, and let's say this is even happening in your, your committed relationship or your marriage, then that's another time when you were, you almost indoctrinated into believing not doing what another person wants is wrong. And I, I like make the ar... | 29.68 | 3.40795 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371423.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371424 | [S1] ... behavior. [S2] Adolescent, toddler. [S1] Yeah, is what actually has trained you to believe that not doing something that that person wants is wrong. That's why you feel guilty. [S2] That's why you feel guilty. [S1] Holy shit. [S2] Yeah. [S1] Wow. | 14.44 | 3.109317 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371424.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371425 | [S1] Mm-hmm. [S2] How the hell do you get rid of that programming? [S1] Well, first of, first of all is one of the only paths forward to healing is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, right? That's it. [S2] I don't like that answer. [S1] And I know people don't like that answer, and I'll tell you why. Everyon... | 21.12 | 3.346078 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371425.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371426 | [S1] grew up in a happy home. They love all their siblings. They met someone in college. They fell in love. They both got good jobs. [S2] I hate these people. [S1] I do too. [S2] No, I'm just kidding. [S1] Well, I, I, I do. [S2] I wish this was everybody, honestly. [S1] I'm happy for them. I'm happy for them. And | 19.8 | 3.46661 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371426.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371427 | [S1] And within, you know, very quickly say, "Uh, that was not okay. I am, I, I, I take responsibility for that. You, you, you were not responsible for that. I was having a bad day, but that's not your problem. And so I apologize." That we, when we, when we do those things, now, no narcissistic person in the world is e... | 28 | 3.358559 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371427.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371428 | [S1] Now, some people say, "That's passive aggressive." Well, there's no, there's no path forward. [S2] Right. [S1] And if I'm not in the mood for a fight, you'll say, you know, "Okay, you know, I, I got to, I, I got to jump. Thanks again. Are we..." And then close off the conversation on whatever else needs to get don... | 12.44 | 3.34407 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371428.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371429 | [S1] ... is assuming there's more than one child, and even if there's not, that child could still be placed in a role. We have some sort of classical roles that kids fall into, and roles are never healthy in a family system because in a way you can see that each of these child, children are either being put in the role... | 29.88 | 3.333501 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371429.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371430 | [S1] ... primary role in these families is the scapegoat. [S2] Mm-hmm. [S1] Now, the scapegoat gets the worst of it. And I would say in some cases, the scapegoats get it so terribly in narcissistic families, they come out of childhood with something that looks like complex trauma. They are constantly criticized compare... | 29.88 | 3.479877 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371430.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371431 | [S1] ... who's listening saying, "That was me." [S2] You know, I would say, I, we, we do, we will, we'll start with trauma work. You know, validation of their experience. 'Cause for a lot of scapegoats, they were told, "You were treated no differently." So, uh, we, we start with straight up, "You were treated different... | 29.88 | 3.359185 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371431.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371432 | [S1] ... to fall on the grenade, so that there's not, they'll, they'll sometimes try to protect the, uh, scapegoat. So that's the fixer. [S2] One thing that really struck me in what you're saying is having one parent versus two. I guess I just assume there was always one. [S1] Oh, there can be two. Two narcissists can ... | 16.48 | 3.121095 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371432.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371433 | [S1] ... two narcissists are attracted to each other? [S2] Oh, heck, yeah. [S1] Why? [S2] Flashy, superficial, grandiose. We're gonna be the greatest thing ever. We're gonna save the world together. I'm hot, you're hot, let's go be hot and save the world. You don't think those people are drawn together? [S1] Oh, actual... | 16.2 | 3.07528 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371433.mp3 | [
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bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371434 | [S1] ... teeth white and kind of husband smiling and, and the children are in white shirts. White shirts. Who puts a child in a white shirt? I don't think, I, I never owned anything white for my children. Now, they're like in their 20s. So, no. But they've got the white shirt and the white teeth and the, look at us and... | 29.88 | 3.061514 | 24,000 | audio/en/bilibili_data_22095156_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_BV19a4y1q7Yz_p6_m4-dialogue_0371434.mp3 | [
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