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But we’re just going around in circles! That’s basically the same as giving praise. When one is praised by another person, one becomes truly aware of one’s ability and regains one’s courage. Please do not be stubborn about this point—just acknowledge the necessity of giving praise. | No, I will not acknowledge that. |
What is “now forming” is what “has been formed”? | One might also think of it as movement in which the process itself is treated as the outcome. Dance is like that, and so is a journey. |
I see. I should have studied it more. | Yes, that’s right. |
If you were the only person in this world and no one else existed? | Yes. The problem of value in the end brings us back to interpersonal relationships again. |
Argh! | If your lifestyle were determined by other people or your environment, it would certainly be possible to shift responsibility. But we choose our lifestyles ourselves. It’s clear where the responsibility lies. |
But that’s . . . | We are all suffering in interpersonal relationships. It might be the relationship with one’s parents or one’s elder brother, and it might be the interpersonal relationships at one’s workplace. Now, last time, you were saying that you wanted some specific steps. This is what I propose. First, one should ask, “Whose task... |
Are you saying that resisting one’s instincts and impulses is freedom? | As I have stated repeatedly, in Adlerian psychology, we think that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. In other words, we seek release from interpersonal relationships. We seek to be free from interpersonal relationships. However, it is absolutely impossible to live all alone in the universe. In light... |
Well, no, there wouldn’t. | Studying is the child’s task. A parent’s handling of that by commanding the child to study is, in effect, an act of intruding on another person’s task. One is unlikely to avert a collision in this way. We need to think with the perspective of “Whose task is this?” and continually separate one’s own tasks from other peo... |
Oh, you mean that note on the objectives put forward by Adlerian psychology? I’ve kept it on me ever since that day, of course. Here it is: “The two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. The two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviors: the consciousness tha... | If you overlap the content of this note with what we have just been discussing, you should be able to gain a deeper understanding. In other words, “to be self-reliant” and “the consciousness that I have the ability” correspond to our discussion of self-acceptance. And then “to live in harmony with society” and “the con... |
Yes, I guess it would put me in an unpleasant mood. | Exactly. In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being “the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability.” A mother praises her child who has helped her prepare dinner, saying, “You’re such a good helper!” But when her husband does the same things, you can be sure she won’t be telling hi... |
Here’s why. I have a friend, a guy, who has shut himself in his room for several years. He wishes he could go out and even thinks he’d like to have a job, if possible. So he wants to change the way he is. I say this as his friend, but I assure you he is a very serious person who could be of great use to society. Except... | So you are saying there were incidents in your friend’s past that became the cause of trauma, or something similar, and as a result he can’t go out anymore? |
All right. I will give it some thought on my own. | Well, then . . . |
Fine, I acknowledge the danger of aiming to be special. But does one really need to make the deliberate choice to be normal? If I pass my time in this world in an utterly humdrum way, if I lead a pointless life without leaving any record or memory of my existence whatsoever, am I to just be satisfied with my lot, becau... | You want to be special, no matter what? |
Yes, it is. So tell me please how you justify that. | At this point, you are looking at another person on the level of his acts. In other words, that that person “did something.” So from that point of view, it might seem that bedridden old people are only a nuisance and are of no use to anyone. So let’s look at other people not on the “level of acts” but on the “level of ... |
That’s horrible! Some friend. | Wait until I am finished. The important thing here is that my height of 61 inches wasn’t inferior. |
Unfortunately, I did not. I just took care of my studies for school and for exams in a routine way. | I see. All right, I will talk about this from the basic stance of Adlerian psychology. When one is confronted with the task of studying, for instance, in Adlerian psychology we consider it from the perspective of “Whose task is this?” |
Why? | For one thing, right now you are unable to feel real happiness. You find living hard, and even wish you could be reborn as a different person. But you are unhappy now because you yourself chose being unhappy. Not because you were born under an unlucky star. |
To live earnestly and conscientiously? | For example, one wants to get into a university but makes no attempt to study. This an attitude of not living earnestly here and now. Of course, maybe the entrance examination is still far off. Maybe one is not sure what needs to be studied or how thoroughly, and one finds it troublesome. However, it is enough to do it... |
Yes, I do. | Well, suppose that you, as a student, regarded the community that is “school” as absolute. In other words, school is everything to you, your “I” exists because of school, and no other “I” is possible without it. But naturally, there will be occasions within that community when you run into adversity. It could be gettin... |
Ah, yes, I do! That’s it exactly! | And the protagonist in one’s life is the “I.” There is nothing wrong with the train of thought up to this point. But the “I” does not rule the center of the world. While the “I” is life’s protagonist, it is never more than a member of the community and a part of the whole. |
Then are you saying that a child should be treated like a full-grown adult? | No. Instead of treating the child like an adult, or like a child, one must treat him or her like a human being. One interacts with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself. |
Lifestyle? | Yes. Lifestyle is the tendencies of thought and action in life. |
Certainly, if I did not believe in that, we wouldn’t be having this dialogue. | One more thing about power struggles. In every instance, no matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticize the other party on that basis. This is an interpersonal relationship trap that many people fall into. |
Okay, I have a question. Please give me a simple answer that gets straight to the heart of the matter. You said that the separating of tasks is the point of departure for interpersonal relations. Well, what is the goal of interpersonal relations? | To get straight to the heart of the matter, it is “community feeling.” |
But that’s horrible! That’s a line of reasoning with no way out. | What Adlerian psychology emphasizes at this juncture are the words “the courage to be normal.” |
Sometimes I think of it like this: I’m like a gourd that grew without getting enough sun. So it is only natural that I’m all twisted up with feelings of inferiority. If there’s anyone who could grow straight in such a situation, well, I’d love to meet him! | I understand. I really do understand how you feel. Now, let’s look at “competition” while taking into consideration your relationship with your brother. If you didn’t think with a competition orientation, with regard to your brother and your other interpersonal relationships, how would people seem to you? |
Yes, absolutely. That’s quite possible. | When that happens, if you are thinking of school as being everything to you, you will end up without a sense of belonging to anything. And then, you will escape within a smaller community, such as your home. You will shut yourself in, and maybe even turn to violence against members of your own family. And by doing such... |
Yes, so true. | Putting aside the question of whether or not they are conscious of it themselves, interpersonal relationships are at the core. For example, a man sends out résumés to find work and gets interviews, only to be rejected by one company after another. It hurts his pride. He starts to wonder what the purpose in working is i... |
You still have not answered my question. Maybe I could actually learn to like myself through contribution to others. Maybe I could come to feel that I have worth, that I am not a worthless being. But is that all a person needs to be happy? Having come into this world, I think that unless I am able to accomplish the sor... | I’m not really sure what you mean by “self-realizing happiness.” What exactly are you referring to? |
Yes, that’s correct. The subject of feelings of inferiority was too intense, and I was on the verge of forgetting that point. Why did you bring up the subject in the first place? | It is connected with the subject of competition. Please remember that. If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune. |
Just like a prince or a princess. | Yes, exactly. They make a leap from being “life’s protagonist” to becoming “the world’s protagonist.” For this reason, whenever they come into contact with another person, all they can think is, What will this person give me? However—and this is something that does not hold true for princes and princesses— this expecta... |
You say that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. And then you turn that around and say that our happiness is to be found in our interpersonal relations, too. But I still find these aspects hard to accept. Is what human beings call happiness merely something within our good interpersonal relations? Tha... | I have a good idea of the issues you are grappling with. The first time I attended a lecture on Adlerian psychology, the lecturer, Oscar Christensen, who was a disciple of one of Adler’s disciples, made the following statement: “Those who hear my talk today can be happy right now, this very instant. But those who do no... |
Okay, so yes, it is true that I am always looking only at myself, that, I acknowledge. I’m constantly worried about how other people see me, but not about how I see them. If you are saying I am self-centered, there is nothing that I can say to refute that. But think about it like this: If my life were a feature-length ... | Let’s go over things in order. First of all, each of us is a member of a community, and that is where we belong. Feeling that one has one’s own place of refuge within the community, feeling that “it’s okay to be here,” and having a sense of belonging—these are basic human desires. Whether it is one’s studies, work, or ... |
If you were really alone, that is, if you existed completely alone in the universe, you wouldn’t be an individual and you wouldn’t feel lonely, either? | I suppose the very concept of loneliness wouldn’t even come up. You wouldn’t need language, and there’d be no use for logic or common sense, either. But such a thing is impossible. Even if you lived on an uninhabited island, you would think about someone far across the ocean. Even if you spend your nights alone, you st... |
Intriguing. | Some time ago, I participated in a workshop for people who stammer and their families. Do you know anyone who has a stammer? |
You’re saying to choose freedom at the same time that I have community feeling? | Yes, of course. Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more “you and I,” and more “everyone,” and larger communities that exist. Do Not Rebuke or Praise |
Ha-ha, you are right about that. | In other words, the mother who praises the child by saying things like “You’re such a good helper!” or “Good job!” or “Well, aren’t you something!” is unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the child as beneath her. The example of animal training that you just gave is also emblematic of the hiera... |
That’s difficult! That’s very difficult. | Of course it is. But think about it this way: Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. If you are leading a life of worry and suffering—which stems from interpersonal relationships—learn the boundary of “From here on, that is not ... |
Huh? What was that? | It is certainly distressful to be disliked. If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one’s desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred... |
So if I can understand just something about Adlerian psychology, can I become a person like Y? | Why are you rushing for answers? You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures; they’re of no value. Take Socrates, who left not one book actually written by himself. He spent his days having public debates with the cit... |
All right, so what you are maintaining is that freedom is the issue? Let’s get to the main point. You’ve been using the word “freedom” a lot, but what does freedom mean to you, anyway? How can we be free? What Real Freedom Is | Earlier, you acknowledged that you do not want to be disliked by anyone, and said, “There’s no one anywhere who’d go so far as to actually want to be disliked.” |
That . . . Come on, that’s an extreme argument! | It is not an extreme argument. If we proceed with your reasoning, any offense committed in anger can be blamed on anger and will no longer be the responsibility of the person because, essentially, you are saying that people cannot control their emotions. |
Okay, all this talk about teleology and such is pure sophistry, and trauma definitely does exist. And people cannot break free from the past. Surely you realize that? We cannot go back to the past in a time machine. As long as the past exists as the past, we live within contexts from the past. If one were to treat the ... | It is true that one cannot use a time machine or turn back the hands of time. But what kind of meaning does one attribute to past events? This is the task that is given to “you now.” |
So even if you’re judged as “good” by another person, you don’t feel that you’ve made a contribution? | That’s right. This is a point that will connect to our subsequent discussion as well—in Adlerian psychology, a great deal of emphasis is given to “contribution.” |
So people are not controlled either by emotion or the past? | Exactly. We can’t go back to the past in a time machine. We can’t turn back the hands of time. If you end up staying in etiology, you will be bound by the past and never be able to find happiness. |
Hmm. | Now we come to the important part. When you are able to truly feel that “people are my comrades,” your way of looking at the world will change utterly. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place, or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place. And your int... |
And at the base of that, there is an intense feeling of inferiority? | Of course. I don’t know much about fashion, but I think it’s advisable to think of people who wear rings with rubies and emeralds on all their fingers as having issues with feelings of inferiority, rather than issues of aesthetic sensibility. In other words, they have signs of a superiority complex. |
You see, since we last met, I’ve been thinking calmly and carefully about the separation of tasks, and about freedom. I waited until my emotions had settled and then applied my reasoning mind. But the separation of tasks just doesn’t seem realistic. | Hmm, okay. Please go on. |
I think that, in theory, the separation of tasks is entirely right. What other people think of me, or what sort of judgment they pass on me, is the task of other people, and is not something I can do anything about. And I should just do what I have to do in my life without lying. I’d have no problem if you said this is... | Have you heard of Alexander the Great? |
But that is such a dry way of thinking. | When Alexander the Great cut the Gordian knot, there were probably those who felt the same way: that the unraveling of the knot by hand had meaning, and that it was a mistake to cut it with a sword; that Alexander had misunderstood the meaning of the oracle’s words. In Adlerian psychology, there are aspects that are an... |
What’s that? | The fact that you—and no one else—are the one who decided your lifestyle. |
Take animal training, for example. When teaching animals to do tricks, you can make them obey with a whip. This is the typical “raising by rebuke” way. On the other hand, it’s also possible to get animals to learn tricks by holding up rewards of food or saying kind words. This is “raising by praise.” Both ways can lead... | Animal training is an interesting example. Now let’s look at this from the standpoint of Adlerian psychology. In Adlerian psychology, we take the stance that in child-rearing, and in all other forms of communication with other people, one must not praise. |
No way, that’s completely out of the question. It’s obvious that the order of things is backward. He did something I didn’t like, that’s why. If he hadn’t, I’d have no reason for taking a dislike to him. | No, you are wrong. It’s easy to see if you think back on the example of separating from a person whom one has been in a love relationship with. In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instanc... |
Um, well . . . | There’s no need to hold back. Be direct. |
So we make of them whatever suits our purposes? | Exactly. Focus on the point Adler is making here when he refers to the self being determined not by our experiences themselves, but by the meaning we give them. He is not saying that the experience of a horrible calamity or abuse during childhood or other such incidents have no influence on forming a personality; their... |
That’s not all. Once grown up, the child will get entangled in all kinds of complicated relationships with people and have all kinds of responsibilities thrust upon him. That is how life will be, both at work and at home, and in any role he assumes in public life. It goes without saying that he will become aware of the... | It sounds fine to me. Please continue. |
Ah, maybe Adlerian psychology, and your philosophy, are actually changing me. Maybe I am trying to let go of my resolve not to change, and choose a new way of living, a new lifestyle . . . But wait, there is one last thing I’d like to ask. | And what would that be? |
That is something I can do? Do you think I have in me the courage to live out these moments earnestly, without resorting to the life-lie? | Since neither the past nor the future exists, let’s talk about now. It’s not yesterday or tomorrow that decides it. It’s here and now. Give Meaning to Seemingly Meaningless Life |
Oh! So happiness lies beyond community feeling? | There is no need to rush the answers. What we need is dialogue. |
But that’s— | I am not telling you to go so far as to live in such a way that you will be disliked, and I am not saying engage in wrongdoing. Please do not misunderstand that. |
You are saying that desire for recognition is a means for gaining a feeling of contribution? | Isn’t it so? |
The courage to be normal? | Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept one’s normal self. And it is precisely for this reason that when being especially good becomes a lost cause, one makes the huge leap to being especially bad—the opposite extreme. But is being normal, being ordinary, really such a bad thing? Is it som... |
Yes, it’s entirely feasible. I’d imagine that would be really challenging. | And then you say, “Before an effect, there’s a cause.” Or, in other words, who I am now (the effect) is determined by occurrences in the past (the causes). Do I understand correctly? |
Yes, because it happened so suddenly. The words just came out of my mouth before I had time to think. | Then suppose you happened to have had a knife on you yesterday, and when you blew up you got carried away and stabbed him. Would you still be able to justify that by saying, “It was an unavoidable occurrence, and I couldn’t do anything about it”? |
Superiority complex? | One is suffering from strong feelings of inferiority, and, on top of that, one doesn’t have the courage to compensate through healthy modes of striving and growth. That being said, one can’t tolerate the inferiority complex of thinking, A is the situation, so B cannot be done. One can’t accept “one’s incapable self.” A... |
Then, do you think I could become someone like Y? From the bottom of my heart, I really wish I could be like him. | At this point, I’d have to say that’s totally out of the question. |
So you’re saying I should fantasize more when I buy bread? | It is not fantasy. It is fact. The community Adler speaks of goes beyond things we can see, like our households and societies, to include those connections that we cannot see. |
Well, that’s true. There’s no doubt about it—if the feeling of inferiority is strong, most people will become negative and say, “I’m not good enough anyway.” Because that’s what a feeling of inferiority is. | No, that’s not a feeling of inferiority—that’s an inferiority complex. |
Why did you have a bad relationship with your father? | I think that until I encountered Adlerian psychology, I understood it in that kind of way. Because my father was a moody, taciturn person. But to think to myself, He hit me that time, and that is why our relationship went bad, is a Freudian etiological way of thinking. The Adlerian teleology position completely reverse... |
So you neither praise nor rebuke? | That’s right, one neither praises nor rebukes. This kind of assistance, which is based on horizontal relationships, is referred to in Adlerian psychology as “encouragement.” |
Well, thank you very much. I will come again at the same time. | Well, you’re looking rather gloomy today. |
Well, for instance, the other day I admitted that I dislike myself. No matter what I do, I can’t find anything but shortcomings, and I can see no reason why I’d start liking myself. But of course I still want to. You explain everything as having to do with goals, but what kind of goal could I have here? I mean, what ki... | I see. You feel that you don’t have any strong points, that you’ve got nothing but shortcomings. Whatever the facts might be, that’s how you feel. In other words, your self-esteem is extremely low. So the questions here, then, are why do you feel so wretched? And, why do you view yourself with such low esteem? |
Just because you think you’re right? No way, that’s just blowing things all out of proportion. | I am right. That is to say, the other party is wrong. At that point, the focus of the discussion shifts from “the rightness of the assertions” to “the state of the interpersonal relationship.” In other words, the conviction that “I am right” leads to the assumption that “this person is wrong,” and finally it becomes a ... |
Infinite? | It’s true, there’s no way one can just imagine the entire universe all of a sudden. Even so, I would like you to gain the awareness that you belong to a separate, larger community that is beyond the one you see in your immediate vicinity—for example, the country or local society in which you live—and that you are contr... |
What are you saying here? | As a result of having received counseling, what kind of resolution does the client make? To change his lifestyle, or not. This is the client’s task, and the counselor cannot intervene. |
So in the end what you’re talking about is courage? That reminds me, last time you said that Adlerian psychology is a “psychology of courage.” | I will add to that by saying that Adlerian psychology is not a “psychology of possession” but a “psychology of use.” |
Hmm, I suppose that is one truth. But . . . | But what? Self-acceptance: accepting one’s irreplaceable “this me” just as it is. Confidence in others: to place unconditional confidence at the base of one’s interpersonal relations rather than seeding doubt. The young man found these two concepts sufficiently convincing. Contribution to others, however, was something... |
Yes, actually. I thought about it at great length. | And did you arrive at any conclusions? |
You are really trying to make a fool of me. You think this passes for philosophy? I do not accept this at all. In spite of himself, the young man got up and glared at the philosopher. I chose an unhappy life? Because it was good for me? What an absurd argument! Why is he going to such lengths to ridicule me? What did I... | Sit down. As things stand, it’s only natural that our views clash. I will now give a simple explanation as to the manner in which humans are understood in Adlerian psychology. |
But . . . | Look, all of us are different. Gender, age, knowledge, experience, appearance—no two of us are exactly the same. Let’s acknowledge in a positive manner the fact that other people are different from us. And that we are not the same, but we are equal. |
Yes, I enjoy it immensely. It hurts, of course. It’s like a sharp pain that shoots through me, as if I were swallowing needles. But still, I enjoy it immensely. It’s habit- forming, having these discussions with you. I realized a little while ago that maybe I don’t just want to take apart your argument—I want you to ta... | I see. That’s an interesting analysis. |
Well, I’ll save my objections for later. Next, what about the task of friendship? | This is a friend relationship in a broader sense, away from work, as there is none of the compulsion of the workplace. It is a relationship that is difficult to initiate or deepen. |
So why do people have them in the first place? | It’s probably necessary to understand this in a certain order. First of all, people enter this world as helpless beings. And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state. Adler called this the “pursuit of superiority.” |
Well, at meetings, for example, I have a hard time raising my hand and making myself heard. I think needless things, like If I ask this question, they’ll probably laugh at me, or If the point I want to make is irrelevant, I’ll get ridiculed, and so on, and I just clam up. Truthfully, I falter even when it comes to tell... | We will probably arrive at the question, What is happiness? |
Why do they do that? | Whether they are trying to be especially good, or trying to be especially bad, the goal is the same: to attract the attention of other people, get out of the “normal” condition and become a “special being.” That is their only goal. |
Only a naïve dimwit would do such a thing! I guess you hold with the doctrine of innate human goodness, while I hold with the doctrine of innate human evilness. Believe unconditionally in complete strangers, and you’ll just get used and abused. | And there are also times when someone deceives you, and you get used that way. But look at it from the standpoint of someone who has been taken advantage of. There are people who will continue to believe in you unconditionally even if you are the one who has taken advantage of them. People who will have confidence in y... |
So weakness is powerful? | Adler says, “In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.” The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him. |
Whose task? | Whether the child studies or not. Whether he goes out and plays with his friends or not. Essentially this is the child’s task, not the parent’s task. |
That’s right, I can’t see! | Isn’t that only natural? Where is the problem here? |
Who does? There’s no one anywhere who’d go so far as to actually want to be disliked. | Exactly. It is true that there is no person who wishes to be disliked. But look at it this way: What should one do to not be disliked by anyone? There is only one answer: It is to constantly gauge other people’s feelings while swearing loyalty to all of them. If there are ten people, one must swear loyalty to all ten. ... |
So are we going to try and reenact the kind of dialogue that Socrates and Adler carried out? In this little study? | Isn’t that good enough for you? |
But, honestly, I do not have the confidence to overcome my inferiority complex. And you might say that that’s a life-lie, but I probably won’t ever be able to break free from the inferiority complex. | So what you are saying is that you would like me to suggest some specific steps? |
My life tasks? | Right. This is a crucial point. In Adlerian psychology, clear objectives are laid out for human behavior and psychology. |
It’s the genuine desire to not be laughed at, to not be thought of as a fool. | So in other words, you do not have confidence in your innocent self, in yourself just as you are, right? And you stay away from the kind of interpersonal relationship in which you would just be yourself. But I’ll bet that when you’re home alone, you sing out loud and dance to music and speak in a lively voice. |
So I am treating even my relationships with my friends as vertical? | That is correct. Even if you are not treating them in a boss-or- subordinate kind of way, it is as if you are saying, “A is above me, and B is below me,” for example, or “I’ll follow A’s advice, but ignore what B says,” or “I don’t mind breaking my promise to C.” |
Now you’re saying I can choose it all over? | Maybe you haven’t been aware of your lifestyle until now, and maybe you haven’t been aware of the concept of lifestyle either. Of course, no one can choose his or her own birth. Being born in this country, in this era, and with these parents are things you did not choose. And all these things have a great deal of influ... |
If I have the star of contribution to others high in the sky above me, I will always have happiness and comrades by my side. | Then, let’s dance in earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past, and do not look at the future. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations. As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere. |
That’s a harsh way of putting it, but I get your point. It’s clear that I’m not right just the way I am. I’ve got to move forward. | To quote Adler again: “The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.” You want to be Y or someone else because you are utterly focused on what you were born with. Instead, you’ve got to focus on what you can make of your equipment. Unhappiness Is Something You Choose for You... |
I can start here? | Yes, in this small study. As I told you earlier, to me you are an irreplaceable friend. |
Alright then, but let me explain why I have come to visit you today. Firstly, I want to debate this with you until I am satisfied, and then, if possible, I want to get you to retract this theory. | Ha-ha. |
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