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Hello everyone. I have this ocd that I have to mention something while think of numbers. if i dont think of the numbers ocd wants me to repeat it.
I also have been thinking and saying the same thing over and over but still wants me to do it until I say it like perfectly.
thoughts? | OCD |
I often hear older people talking about how their childhood and teenagehood and 20's were the best times of their lives. I am 17 and if I have suffered so heavily along the years I was alive, I don't know what hope the future holds for me. I am more unhappy than I am happy, and I use drugs and escapism as a means to pass the time. I have no bigs hopes or goals for the future, other than moving currently and giving life another shot. But it is just a intangible idea for that to actually work and improve my quality of life.
I don't want to kill myself because my mom has done so much to keep me here. She devotes her entire self and time to keeping me happy, medicated, and fed with a roof over my head. Killing myself would be to disregard all of the hard work she's done and make me ultimately a failure. I love her so much but sometimes I wish she didn't have me, or she would die before me, so she would not have to feel any heartbreak.
I turn 18 in February. It is a massive accomplishment for me to of made it this far, I just don't know how much longer I can take. | depression |
New here. I pull at my eyelashes and have never understood what was causing it, why I did it, what it was. I don’t understand still, but I have been officially diagnosed with OCD - specifically, trichorillomania. I hate that I do it but still can’t stop. One day at a time - I’m in therapy now and hoping to make small steps to change. Oddly comforted that there’s a sub with others here. Just wanted to say hello! | OCD |
So I've been battling an almost catatonic feeling depression for the last week. Barely able to shower, get out of bed due to contamination/harm fears.
Funny enough I was inspired by a Marina Abromovic documentary.... basically her performance is about being present and endurance. So I decided I'm going to be present, and endure my shitty thoughts and urges to self punish and isolate, but still live my life in spite of it all.
Hope this helps someone. The only way is through. | OCD |
Hello,
I just wanted to vent a bit since I did an exposure today; I think it went okay, but I'm just annoyed with what my brain said. Anyways, I'm not panicking or worried about anything, it's just total bullshit that I still gotta deal with this. Hopefully, this post can help people give an idea of how exposure its done. Please let me know if there was something I could have done better.
So today, I went to Target today to just walk around and force myself to be around children. The first thing I did was just sit on a bench for a couple of minutes so that I can gather my bearings and see how I will react to children that pass by. Of course, the 1st minute in, I see this middle schoolers wearing skimpy, Instagram-ish clothes, and for some fucking reason, my brain decided to call them "little sluts." When my brain said that, it felt like someone punched me with a brick or something.
Anyways, after that, I went, and I guessed I walked around for like 20 minutes, trying to 'find stressors.' The first stressor was this girl who I think looked somewhere between 14-16 and was wearing volleyball clothing. My apologies for this insensitive statement, but whenever whenever I think about volleyball, I think about college girls with tight asses, juicy legs, and cute ponytails (my apologies again). And so immediately, my brain projected that image onto her which causes me to question whether I like teenager girls with those physical characteristics. However, 15 seconds in, I cut myself off and just decided that no sort of 'mental reasoning' will change this connection, and I just kept walking.
After that, I just decided to get some food and then proceeded to checkout aisle. While I was there, there was this other teenage girl with a cutesy voice and cute mannerisms waiting with her mom. She was just messing around and being a kid I guess. Anyways, she reminded of this girl I have a crush on, with similar mannerisms and stuff (however, more mature and is 22). And again, I started to question whether or not I'm attracted to teenage girls like that and again I cut myself in the middle because no amount of mental reasoning will satisfy my obsessions.
Finally, I bought my stuff and I just sat outside to expose myself so more before I left. Of course, 2 more teenage girls passed by me wearing Instagram-ish clothing, and one of them had their boobs popping out. I felt very uncomfortable and again the question of whether I was attracted to this girl popped out, but then I just remembered that this is exactly what POCD is. And at the end, the volleyball girl came out and my brain just said something like "That jailbait has a nice ass...". Then I just left.
What I learned from this exposure are the following:
\- I fear attributing adult characteristics to children.
\- A lot of 'statements' that my brain makes come from examples where an actual pedophile has said those things (like 'jailbait' \[I have never used that term ever in my life.\])
\- I question myself too much about whether or not I'm attracted to children.
One mistake I think I made was that I would tell myself "As an adult, I need to protective of children and that pursing a relationship with a kid is completely immoral...." almost every time I saw a kid. I mean, yes, this is a true statement, but as person with POCD, this is not completely healthy to think about repeatedly. Normal people just live their lives and so so should I.
Overall, today was okay. A lot better than maybe 6 weeks ago. Again, I didn't panic or anything. I was more just uncomfortable and irritated with the constant presence of these thoughts. But then again, OCD is rather insidious and it takes advantage of the very I fear. Hopefully, I can do better tomorrow.
Thanks for listening to me! | OCD |
I feel so lost in this world. From the outside I probably have a lot going for me - wife, two kids, friends - but internally I know I'm not for this world.
I hate working. I coast through employment without trying, always on the edge. I've never had a job I didn't dread, and I don't have any motivation or drive to get a different one. In fact the closest I've been to suicide has always been when I've been job-hunting.
My favourite thing to do is sleep, because I can just shut my eyes and pretend I don't have responsibilities. I don't have bills, jobs, people who count on me. It's just me.
I honestly think if I won the lottery then 99% of my worries would go away. I wouldn't have to work. I wouldn't have to worry about missing work with my fucking depression, anxiety, insomnia, or general shittiness.
People clock in and clock out every day, and just keep on stepping in life. Then there's me. A lazy, fat, undeserving waste of life. I honestly hate myself and everything about me.
I'd change it all if I could.
I'd end it all if I could
But I can't.
Reach out. Help me. | depression |
I never got “better”. Was never even close to “happy” (god I hate that word.) But for the past few years I felt a slight improvement. Don’t get me wrong, life was still extremely dull. Friends were few and far between and I very rarely did anything social or exciting. But I was distracted enough that I didn’t want to kill myself. I lost my job a few weeks back in a way that was entirely 100% my own fault because I have to be a failure and disappoint everyone. For a week or two I actually felt pretty good about starting over with a new job since I was miserable and being taken advantage of at that job anyway. But no jobs will get back to me now and I’m starting to get scared of new opportunities again and I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m feeling as hopeless and potentially suicidal like I last did maybe five years ago. There doesn’t seem to be any way out. I moved to a new city over the summer and only really know one person here so add that to the list of terrible things making me feel lonely as fuck. Sorry I’m being so negative the anxiety is killing me | depression |
So earlier it’s like my body had these weird sensations and I had the urge to act on my harm thoughts so I sat down and started squeezing my hands really tight and curling my toes up I don’t know it’s weird is that normal is it apart of ocd idk | OCD |
Hi
So I watch porn, however over the past couple of months I've become really scared.
I don't want to say too much out of embarrassment, however I found a genre of porn related to sex because toys, therefore was legal, however over the past few months I've seen stuff that worried me.
Because its related to sex toys a few people film themselves and take pictures with sex dolls. At first there was nothing to question their legality at all - they all were adult hight, characteristics ect.
Then it gets worrying. First I saw on a website somebody with sex doll that looked too small. I clicked off the tab and instead decided to use Google images and never use that website again. I also wrote on the OCD cation forum about what happened and how upset I was.
Then on google images whenever is saw one it would have adult characteristics but the hight was too small. The same on reddit. Then on reddit I saw an anime themed sexual post, however I was concerned about the anime character and I googled the character and it was too young. I exited the page. I tried to forget about the whole porn genre and move on
Then the past few weeks it just exploded.
First I was on google a few weeks ago and saw a cartoon that was downright illegal. I reported it to Google and moved one. Then when I was googling the other night I saw the same picture again on a different search. I then googled another porn genre (3d) and google images just returned illegal results again. I spent yesterday worried and today I reported the results of the 3d porn search, the other image I had already reported and the dolls that had adult features but in hight were too small to the IWF
Today I went back onto reddit and once again whilst looking at sex toys I came across the dodgy dolls, this time they definitely looked illegal however we're fully dressed.
This isn't the only example though its the one that's had me most worried. Twice I've idiotically misphrased searches before quickly clicking off them (I accept that that was my fault). At the start of the year on a google image search related to gay sex it returned an illegal result with the caption "loli", whilst searching for a legal video that I'd seen before on pornhub I was redirected to a website with a dodgy image in the bottom right hand corner. Whilst looking for erotic literature on the first returned result on google I came across a story about child abuse.
This while year I've felt like that at every touch and turn the internet keeps throwing back questionable if not downright illegal results back at my face. Its frustrating.
I've suffered a bit over the past 18 months. I was already having panic attacks in lesson at the end of last year because of groinal, this year I had quite nasty intrusive thoughts whilst masturbating at the end of lockdown which led me for six months to obsessively googke whether I had an intrusive thought or a fantasy. At the end of last year I had similar intermet obsessions about stuff I googled when I was twelve. I'm sick of it all!!!!
Am I legally in trouble based off what I've written here?
When I've been obsessively googling the law it only refers to the legality of cartoons and computer generated pictures, and child sex dolls are rightly illegal, but nit if there's a picture of somebody masturbating with a doll that is almost like a child in hight but has adult characteristics. Either way, I didnt want to see anything like that at all. Likewise everything else here I didnt want to see, google just threw it at me. Legally were do I stand I've been terrified straight on and off for weeks now, th ineternent and the law are two of my biggest obsessions
That's sort if the point of why I wrote it, but sorry it turned into a big long rant. I'm sick and tired of thinking the unthinkable, seeing the unseeable without wanting to and it feels unfair. I never wanted to see too small sex dolls when googling with the expectation of only seeing legal sex toys (so if I saw a sex doll it would look like an adult) Im sick to death of feeling like a criminal or a fugitive whilst sitting on my own bed!! | OCD |
it feels like my ocd will legitimately not accept the truth and instead is trying to make its own truth? if that makes sense? like my ocd is going lengths to make me afraid of something i know for an absolute FACT isnt true at all to the point where its trying to mess with my memories and perception of things. i felt intense guilt in the beginning because i thought it was real but that went away and now im just uneasy and still scared that its real, so im afraid that the uneasiness DOES mean its real. ive been ruminating for over a week and ive found nothing that would even slightly indicate that my fear is true. | OCD |
To everyone all over it is supposed "The most wonderful time of the year", it's not for me. I get depressed four times out of the year Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, and my birthday. Let me explain, during the holidays my company holds a Christmas party every year, and I don't attend due to the fact I would have to go alone, New Year's Eve I could attend parties but when the clock strikes midnight I witness the other couples ring in the new year, and I am standing there alone, Valentine's Day just seeing others having a romantic night out, and my birthday I realize I have gotten a year older and still single. I start hating myself when I see my friend with their girlfriends, fiancees, and wives. I am 36, and I have been single my whole life, and I am starting to crack under the pressure. I desire a romantic relationship, and marriage, but it feels like it's out of reach. I'm coming to terms that I will be alone for the rest of my life. No woman would be interested in a loser like me. I guess it's best. | depression |
I’m in the supermarket queue. That line on the floor means 1.5metres.
Why the fuck are you standing up my arse? It won’t get you served faster… it might get your head chewed off if you don’t back the fuck up though…
Why? There’s even lines marked out on the floor… back the fuck up and stay away from this broken person. | ptsd |
Just a quick post for anyone who might need it right now. Your mental health is not just a priority this week, you should prioritise yourself everyday and take it from someone who knows how hard it is but also knows how good it is to do so, focusing on yourself is always worth it :) take things a day at a time, celebrate the small wins as much as the big ones and together we can take control back of our lives from this illness! You got this, this week and next | OCD |
every time i remember that i have to live with this forever, i cry. sure medicines and therapies can help but it won't ever go completely away. it's so exhausting. | OCD |
I’m pretty new to dating, I’m 25F and this guy I’m talking to is the second time in my life that I’ve had something more than just a casual hookup. I’ve been seeing this guy pretty often for the past few weeks and it’s quite evident that we are both into eachother but we aren’t exclusive yet because 1 he hasn’t asked, and I don’t want to ask and 2 I believe it may be too soon so I want to just see how things go. Not only because I have trust issues with guys from my ex leaving me for his ex gf, but I get these thought loops maybe 30 times a day in my head saying “he’s going to end it with you” or “you’re not good enough for him” or I just picture a scenario of him ending it with me so many times per day. It’s quite exhausting and to be honest I have no real reason to think he’s going to end it with me, I am just not used to dating and my OCD makes it 10x worse. All I want to do is just relax and take things day by day but it’s so hard especially when I have these intrusive thoughts in my head all the time. I guess my question is, is there anything I can do so I don’t have these constant intrusive thoughts about him ending it with me? It’s quite disturbing and gives me more anxiety than I already have. | OCD |
Hey everyone. This is my first post here, and I hope I’ve found the right place to get advice on something like this. If I’m making some kind of faux pas with all this, please go easy on me.
For context, I’m from the US, currently 22 years old and living on my own. As a young kid, I generally did well in school but had some pretty significant difficulties. First off, I was very withdrawn socially, strongly preferring to both work and play on my own as opposed to with my classmates. Another issue was that it often took me a long time to complete certain activities. I remember in particular how upset I would get over things like 45-minute writing prompts or “mad minute” timed math exercises; something about having the pressure of a time limit really got to me. These were definitely things that my teachers took note of, and my parents as well (presumably), so when I was in 2nd grade (15 years ago; 7 years old at the time) my parents had me undergo a psycho-educational evaluation. Part of this consisted of an in-school observation, where a psychologist sat in on my class and followed us all around throughout the day. I wasn’t told at the time who he was, or that he was there specifically to observe me. We just treated him as a “class guest” and nobody really questioned his presence. Over the following weeks, my mom took me for several appointments at his office. I recognized him from his “visit” to our class, but again I don’t recall being given a complete explanation of what was going on. All I remember is him and several of the other people in his office having me complete a bunch of tests and exercises, which I didn’t really have much of a problem doing. After the last appointment, nothing was mentioned of any of this again. I have no recollection of asking my mom why all this was going on, or anyone (her, or the psychologist, or anyone who worked there) explaining its purpose to me.
About 5-ish years later, I was looking through my “personal file” that my dad kept in his desk, which had things in it like my birth certificate, medical documents, old report cards, etc. Inside was a copy of the report sent to my parents after the evaluation. I recognized the doctor’s name, and I quickly skimmed through it. It mostly contained graphs and tables with my test results, and a brief summary on the last couple of pages that said something about behaviors resembling Asperger’s. I didn’t really think much of it at the time, and just put it away without saying anything to my parents. This was right before they divorced, and even though I went on to live with my mom at that time, my dad took the file with him and I didn’t see it again for another several years, until just this past January, when I went to retrieve items from his storage unit (he now lives out of the country). I took the time to read the report in greater depth, and am still struggling to make sense of it. I question whether it’s even relevant anymore considering that it’s from 15 years ago, when I was still just a child. But included in that final summary section is this statement: “***\[…\] the data collected, including observation, interviews, test data, and parent questionnaires suggest \[insert my name here\] exhibits behaviors consistent with those of children diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder, DSM-IV 299.80. Some of the behaviors that \[he\] demonstrates that are consistent with a diagnosis of Asperger’s Disorder include lack of eye contact, a failure to develop peer relationships, pre-occupation with stereo-typed patterns of interests in a manner that is not typical of a child his age, qualitative impairment in social functioning, and general inflexibility.***” They go on for another paragraph to recommend various educational interventions and accommodations that would have supposedly helped me in my learning. I have no recollection of anyone making an effort to implement those—I never got extended time on tests/assignments or participated in any special education, behavioral therapy, or enrichment programs. I think there was a time during which I’d go for weekly sessions with the school’s staff psychologist, but after not very long I started feeling like those were a waste of time, and so I just chose to stop going without any pushback from her, my teacher, or my parents. One of my teachers had also made a fancy sign for me that said “\[my name\] Time” and gave me permission to go sit in the supply closet and hang that on the door if I felt like I needed a moment to myself.
I’ve just started seeing a therapist for the first time in the past few months, although this wasn’t my primary concern in seeking that out. We have had some discussions about this, but not in a lot of depth. To me, his take seems to be that the only way to really find an explanation is to talk to my mom and/or dad, but I feel like the way this has all unfolded means that it’s something they’re not open to discussing. My current relationship with my dad is pretty weak; we aren’t in very frequent contact and we tend not to discuss anything sensitive or emotionally charged. On the other hand, I’m closer with my mom, but she can get extremely defensive about people questioning her decisions, and sometimes has a tendency to quasi-gaslight (by that I mean saying things like “You shouldn’t bother paying any attention to that,” or dismissing the opinions of doctors and other professionals as “quackery”).
Basically, what I don’t understand here is: 1) whether that language by the psychologists in their evaluation is considered an official diagnosis of Asperger’s, and 2) if it is, why I was never told by anyone—neither my parents nor the psychologists themselves—that I had been diagnosed with it. I figure the folks on this subreddit would probably only have an answer for the first one, but perhaps there’s someone who’s been in a similar situation and can offer some advice for navigating this.
I know this was unbelievably long, but for those of you who’ve taken the time to read all this, thank you so much. It really does mean a lot to me. I’m sorry if I’ve overshared or anything; I just figured I’d put myself out here to hear others’ thoughts, suggestions, or reflections. And I’d be happy to clarify anything further. | aspergers |
I don’t really have the capacity right now to add too many words to this but thanks to everyone in this sub who shares their stories and their thoughts on things. It feels nice to read things from people who understand and don’t think ADHD is simply the inability to focus. Thank you, I’m just rambling right now to hit the 300 character limit idk if that’s allowed or if that’s enough but I sort of just wanted to reach out. I’m going to see a therapist for the first time this weekend and I’m kind of excited | ADHD |
I am constantly checking the windows even if there is a slight noise that triggers me. This sucks. This sucks real bad. I want to sleep 😭 | OCD |
I'm 32 male. I got sick with an autoimmune disease when I was 18 that's caused neurological issues and made concentration and desire to do anything non-existent. It made me weird and needy. It's made socializing nearly impossible. I picked up the habit of drinking too much but just quit and it's been 3 months. I was in a relationship with this girl for about 9 months that ended about the same time. She called me a project. She thinks I'm a freak. She's at least partly right.
My body is in pain, my head constantly hurts, i cant concentrate, I'm always panicking. Believe it or not I'm getting better. I found medicine that's been working and going to the gym 4 days a week, but still it's not enough. I had a future once, so much potential. It's derailed my life. I have no power. My friends and family know I'm depressed but only skirt around it while offering empty empathy. It would devastate them especially my family but even if I got better I just don't know that i want to go on. This illness has been traumatizing as fuck.
I've fought so hard for so long for what. What's the fucking point? My life's already over and I don't care what's on the other side. I just want it to be over. It sounds so nice. | depression |
Like for example I have to stop eating for hours or else something really bad happens. I'm losing the ability to stop them because if I don't listen to the compulsions then things get bad. Fighting them is not an option. The "bad" result is a trigger for many people here so I won't say it. | OCD |
anyone else who struggles with OCD has such weird habits, do strange things and their laziness is something else/worse??? | OCD |
Whenever I see people use OCD as an adjective or spread misinformation I get so upset and angry! I don’t feel like it’s my job to keep correcting people.
I was watching one of my favourite shows (superstore) and one of the characters said ‘I’m so ocd about this stuff’ in regards to being clean. I had to stop watching because I felt let down. I know I might be dramatic but it makes me angry.
How do you ignore it? Or do you correct people? | OCD |
Especially with the harm thoughts when I’m high I feel so anxious it makes it 10x worse | OCD |
Hello All,
Title says it all. I have aspergers and I wouldn’t want my child to have Autism if it was a choice. Of course high end Autism is able to be overcome but my worst fear would be for it to be severely Autistic. If it did end up having it I feel like I would abandon it. I would not be able to handle being a caretaker for someone with severe disability the rest of my life.
Do any of you feel similar and choose not to have biological children for the similar reasons? | aspergers |
Boy was I wrong. I wasnt ever against medication, just skeptical. The experience hasn't been as intense as some people's but it's definitely making a big difference. I took my full dose this morning (I took half as my first ever dose yesterday afternoon). I feel...calm. It's like the constant anxiety of trying to find "the thing" isn't there anymore. I still don't want to do certain things, but I don't feel like I CANT do them now. I actually kinda feel peaceful. It kinda makes me regret not getting diagnosed and medicated until I was 28. Better late than never though. What're some of the things you were able to do once you got medication? I got this ability to do stuff now but I'm not sure how to use it haha | ADHD |
FUCK MAN, I just logged into my facebook, seeing all of my old middle and highschool friends/ acquittances grown and doing things with their lives. Theyre in Jobs, happy relationships, marriages, and have children. Parents being proud of their children graduting college and fulfilling their dreams. And it just reminds me the life I couldve had if i wasnt so sad ALL THE FUCKING TIME , Now ive always had a bit of unhappiness and low self esteem growing up but for fucks sake at least I still had relationships ,friends and interests. I still wanted to make something of myself. I never imagined I would treat my bedroom like a prison and my bed like a coffin. I mean For the majority of the past 3 years ive just been rotting away letting the world go on and pass me by and I feel like ive been robbed!!
IM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS MENTAL ILLNESS
IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM FEELING LIKE A STRUGGLE. | depression |
I used to think I was above peers above my age. I thought I was the kid who watched documentaries, coded, learned college physics and calculus at 14 and other kids were just stinky sweaty idiots who couldn't find x if I gave them x=4.
Noe I realize how dumb I am and was. Sure, I was good at a few things but trash at some others. Math isn't useful if you can't function as a human. And I feel like I underestimated others. | aspergers |
I catch myself just not caring about anything
like I won’t be alive in the coming years so why should i care about grades or school or fixing myself or building skills or relationships, I just want to stop existing | depression |
With familiar hands against my skin
I feel pure terror flooding in,
I cannot move I cannot scream
I close my eyes and try to dream
That I am anywhere but here
Safe, unparalized by fear
Unbroken and untraumatized
But when I open up my eyes
I’m on the blue couch, where I’ve always been
With familiar hands against my skin | ptsd |
In the dream I was talking to a friend about this dude that I liked, talking about how cute and bashful he was. I said some other explicit things too. But the problem is I can’t remember who or what he looked like. So what if I was talking about some k*d. This literally just happened, I just woke up. This is a great start to my day. | OCD |
I'm clinically depressed, since more than 15 years (I'm 30). I had a big trauma as a kid (loss of a parent) and I never overcame it. After this fact, I grew up in poverty in a harsh environment (basically "the hood"). During my adolescence, I coped with what the hood offered: violence.
I started smoking weed at 14, drinking at 15, started being involved in petty crime, I've been suspended from mid school multiple times due to violent behaviour, I dropped high school a couple of times, engaged in violent fights, frequented many offenders. In all this time I also coped by having a large amount of partners, relationships that I didn't even really care for but were symbolic. I would get extremely desperate when we broke up, and then 2 days after I'd be with another girl.
In all these years I kept smoking a lot of weed, as it was customary in my environment. Started abusing alcoholic beverages to the point I ended up in alcohol coma at 18. I smoked so much tobacco that it would give me headache and dehydrate me, like I could have multiple cigarettes in half hour. In the last 2 years of high school (so actual year 6 and 7, as I repeated 2 years) I decided that I wanted to quit every bullshit and focused on sport and study. I concluded high school brilliantly but my street life wasn't over.
I got stabbed at 20, over petty reasons. A guy said I stole his girl.
After this episode, I decided that I wanted to quit for good every stupidity and so I decided to frequent university (in my country they're free for people with very low income).
Moved to another city. I had already quitted weed (not tobacco) and reduced drastically alcohol consumption, since I joined a basketball team at 19.
Broken one addition, I added another: coffee. I'd drink 5 coffee per day, to the point I ended up with chronic insomnia. All my first 3 years in university have been a nightmare of sleep deprivation. Every time there was a party, I also would abuse alcohol without any control. It wasn't uncommon for me to drink 3+ liters of wine in a night. During one of these nights, I cheated on a girlfriend.
Started my first thesis, I quitted again everything and focused on my work.
Moved to another city for my master, around 24. This time I really wanted to change my life and forget the negativity of my hometown.
I've got multiple partners during these years, and when I ended up single again at 25, I started to drink vodka and smoke weed in the morning before breakfast.
I found a new friend that was a heavy drinker and we would spend every single night, 5+ days out of 7, going out getting drunk as fuck. In this period I kept changing girlfriend, I reached the point of dating 6 girls at the same time. My addition to women got at its worse state. I'd have sex with a girl in the afternoon and then at night meet and have sex with another one. I've done this for a year.
Moved to another country for 1 year of international experience (paid by the university; in all this time I kept being very poor, even tho I've done many different jobs). I had a couple of months of the usual abuses (weed tobacco coffee sex) until I met my current wife. I decided, for good, to stop with bullshit. Slowly, this time I actually managed to find a motivation to quit. My mental condition has been slowly aggravating over the years, to the point I'd cry for hours in only mentioning the trauma I had with my parent. I have studied life science and I always liked to read, I always knew that my addictions were making my depression worse and worse.
I quit smoking for good, slowly stopped drinking (now I can control it almost perfectly, I just drink a beer during a meal), no weed, no painkillers (I forgot to say I took a lot of painkillers), no more changing partners, no more coffee (exclusively decaf). I also forgot that I was addicted to sugars, I'd abuse desserts to the point of getting very strong stomachache and diarrhea.
It's been a couple of years since I quitted everything, and I am not feeling good. I'm actually worse. My life conditions hasn't improved, if not for the entrance of my partner in my life.
What do you think about all this? Shouldn't I feel more relaxed and less depressed, since I don't abuse anything anymore? I'm always thinking about this and I can't understand why I'm not mentally better.
P.s. Sorry for the ultra long post. | depression |
I just woke up and as usual I was hit with a load of intrusive thoughts and I kept feeling my genitals to check if I got erect or not but this was counterproductive because I kept feeling like I was aroused, I remember I had a very graphic intrusive thought while holding onto my penis and I kept touching it and letting go, I was touching it to see if I was erect and letting go because I didn’t want to feel like I was getting sexual please from the thought but because I was doing that I ended up getting erect from the thoughts. It didn’t feel like a normal erection because normal erections come with arousal this just felt like a giant fuck you from my brain and now I’m here ruminating on it because I’m getting false memories of being aroused by the thought, the thought itself was pretty blurry so it’s more like the theme of the thought itself was what made me react that way but idk | OCD |
I have ocd and I think that's why I'm having these thoughts. It started in mid-january when I discovered Finnster and thought about how I might want to crossdress but I wasn't sure if they were intrusive thoughts or not. I put together an outfit online but never pulled the trigger on actually buying it because I realized that if these were intrusive thoughts I would just be wasting my time and money on a compulsion.
My mind eventually moved from the thought of cross dressing to the possibility of being trans. I originally wrote it off as an obsession too but the day Abby Thorn came out I had a breakdown where I accepted myself as a trans woman. I was both sad and extremely happy. I genuinely felt amazing because of it. But within a week I realized that I was probably just a man and tried to stop thinking about gender.
My thoughts relating to gender feel like intrusive thoughts, like they just pop up without my input. I don't feel distressed by them but I also don't feel like I actually feel what the thoughts do. I constantly do mental checking to see if i want breasts or to wear women's clothes even though I don't think I want either of those things. The weird part is that some part of me wishes the thoughts were true. I wish I wanted to cross dress but I don't think I want to wear women's clothes.
The weirdest part is that I have felt genuine sadness in considering that I could be a woman. I've cried before because I'll never be a beautiful woman. Yesterday I was in the car with my brother and he was listening to songs from musicals and some song came on from the perspective of a lesbian character and I had to hold back tears understanding that I would never experience what was described in the song. It wasn't just a few tears either, I was on the verge of an intense breakdown because of it.
I'm so burnt out thinking about this and I kind of wish the thoughts would go away at this point, but I also simultaneously wish they were true even though I still feel like a guy and generally want to be one. I also notice that when I start thinking about gender my BDD surrounding my teeth flares up too which is also annoying and tiring to deal with. I'm just so tired and wish I could take a break. | OCD |
I've smoked weed electronically once before and I did it incorrectly multiple times until I finally got it but it was very bad, my throat burned I was coughing and I felt extremely anxious and scared for like 5 minutes, and then felt chill. I have OCD and am currently taking Lexapro and am scared that if I smoke weed again I might get psychosis or it might make my OCD worse but I've also seen articles saying it helps OCD. Is it worth it to try smoking again, it might be more enjoyable? | OCD |
I can't work out why it happens. Not sure if it's something to do with quality of sleep or dreams of something.
Is it just me? | aspergers |
My ocd is so bad .... and I feel so invalidated because someone told me something isn’t OCD even though my therapist has told me it is, I want to die so bad I can’t cope anymore | OCD |
I started taking ritalin for the first time Friday and tbh it wasn't very good, or at all what I was expecting, it made me more calm, less anxious, but it didn't help with productivity, I just kind of felt absent-minded and it gave me a headache and made me pretty shaky every time I've taken it since. Idk if 1 week is enough to say it doesn't work for me but im unsure. Anyone else have mundane experiences like this? | ADHD |
i’m so irritated to the point of tears im so frustrated and annoyed
i want to go for a walk, and relax but i feel short of breath and i feel sluggish so i don’t want the walk to make it worse. but i need to get out of the house cause i’m going fucking insaine right now and everything is getting on my nerves and i need air but it’s also dark out like i’m just stuck i can’t do anything i was going to do hw today and email my teacher about how much i’m struggling to do my work and that i need to pass this class but i been procrastinating and i just can’t fucking do anything oh my GOD
fuck this i’m so fucking done | OCD |
I am in the middle of my exams for my final year of high school. i have already done 2 subjects but have my economics exam next week which I really want to do well in. despite this I cant seem to do any study for the life of me. i just keep getting distracted doing everything that isn't study and despitehaving a legitimate desire to be productive, I cant do anything. I haven't had this issue with studying for economics all year but for some reason am really struggling.
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Any Advice/ideas? | ADHD |
Does anyone else get frustrated about their depression? Like apart from the general shit, sometimes I feel it's so unfair some people never have this constant low mood, they mostly see the good side of things and their days are not mainly spent on trying to feel better. We all get bad times. But being on an objectively good time and barely forcing yourself to feel it is exhausting. And often, I get so frustrated. Especially, when people with no mental health issues try to present how you feel as a bad day or time in your life.
Sometimes I just wish I was carefree and thought free | depression |
Up until this point I've always kind of ignored what people thought of me and focused on being a person I'd aspire to be. At worst I always thought of myself as an intelligent person with a LOT of personality. But since joining this sub and reading about how people are tired of being concieved at stupid because of poor wording or lack of focus, I've realized that a lot of people don't have the slightest clue about how ADHD feels and therefor don't see my actions like I see them.
II
guess a lot of things are making sense to me now or maybe I'm just anxious because I'm constantly letting down my project group at university and my girlfriends parents seemingly think im kind of stupid. On the plus side it makes me happy to realize how much my mom has supported me all my life and held up my self-esteem lol. | ADHD |
Have you still failed to find inner peace in this world? | depression |
Ever since COVID hit us like a train, my OCD has significantly been worse. Before COVID, my OCD was manageable. I was not on medication, and it was barely a nuisance throughout my day. My OCD revolved around checking under my bed before I went to bed, rewriting things over and over again since I hated pencil blotches, which resulted in LOTS of wasted paper, and some religious OCD. Funny enough, most of these things don’t bother me anymore. For example, I got a tablet that I take notes on the computer and that has helped a lot. But, my OCD has definitely gotten worse. Way worse!
Ever since COVID hit us, my OCD has went from barely a problem to just awful. Whenever I start my day now, I’ll will always have intrusive thoughts flowing through my head. I can’t stop that since I know it’s natural. But, sometimes I will visualize myself acting on the intrusive thought, and once I realize that I’m fully conscious of reality, I have sheer amounts of anxiety since I have no idea if I acted on the intrusive thought or not. It’s exhausting. It’s almost like daydreaming, except I’m not really aware that I’m daydreaming. My brain will just visualize myself doing something against my morals, and then coupled with the visualization in my mind and the anxiety afterwards, I’m left with anxiety and guilt. This has caused me mental breakdowns where I’ll just cry for hours since I want to be normal again, and I can’t discern reality from fantasy. It’s just awful because I’ll be thinking about the false memory for days, even weeks, and the more I think about it, the more I become convinced that I acted on the intrusive thought. I know that I’m not supposed to think about it, but it’s extremely difficult when I’m feeling guilty all the time and the thought is in the back of my head replaying over and over again like a broken record player.
I have tried Prozac with not much avail. It has helped a bit, but not much. I have also tried CBT and that has also helped a bit. I’m still taking Prozac and practicing CBT, but each day has felt like hell.
With the daydreaming, I’m not sure that could be related to ADHD, and my OCD is feeding off of it. I know that I have a terrible short-term memory and that also doesn’t help my OCD. Anyway, I would like to hear if anyone else has experienced my problems, especially after COVID came in or before, and if so, was there any therapy/medication that helped with it?
Thank you! | OCD |
I'm 13 with ADHD and anxiety with OCD tendencies, (according to my therapist/phycologist.) My interests are phycology and marine biology. I can't relate to any of my peers.
I'm also borderline misophonic. One of my friends wants me to watch POV ASMR. But it feels like my ears are dying and I have to resist the urge to punch the wall.
I also want to play dolls, but I'm pretty sure things like that is what my peers see as cringy.
I feel so alone and just need to ask for advice anonymously. What should I do. | ADHD |
It's not fun to stop a regular psychiatric medication cold turkey because the pharmacy delayed the order until the last possible minute, then suddenly didn't have stock in.
You'd think they'd order enough considering, well, you know, how regular they have to refill it.
Anyone deal with this before? My emotions are all over the place. I go from super tired to super antsy and back again. It's like ADHD turned up to 11 even worse than before I started medication.
Ugh, even writing this post feels spazzy. Ugh. Any tips?
Oh, I tried calling prescriber. He doesn't work weekends. I thought I could try my GP/Primary as a backup to see if he would do a week supply or something, but he also doesn't work weekends.
If I would have known I would have rationed what I had with smaller doses so it would be just a sudden drop like this but they lied and said it would be available Thursday. Then on Thursday said they didn't have it and they would call Friday. Then called Friday after it was too late to have the script sent anywhere else. | ADHD |
My school isn’t giving me provisions in exams for a bit of extra time because they said my adhd doesn’t affect my ability in an exam. They legit give kids with depression extra time and everything but i can’t even focus on more then a few questions. Today i had an exam and teacher walked in and no matter how hard i tried i wasn’t even looking and i could not focus on the questions, told the provision teacher and don’t blame her it’s not her choice but apparently there’s no point applying because the school system won’t consider it. Any similar situations ? | ADHD |
I finally made an appointment and saw a doctor regarding my ADHD.
I was diagnosed when I was a kid but my dad didn’t believe in it so I was never treated for it and I just coped until today. I told my doctor that social media has been talking about ADHD a lot and it made me realize I have lots of symptoms and that these symptoms were hampering my life.
He was mad at me for asking him about ADHD because I saw some tiktoks and stuff. I told him that I was diagnosed as a child and that I never sought treatment. He was upset that I wasn’t coming to the doctors office about my weight or my heart. I tried to tell him that I believe I am overweight because of ADHD. He kept asking me these “prove it” questions, at one point asking me what I think executive function is. He told me it was bad for me to try to get a controlled substance from him and I told him that I have no idea what I need. Idk what medicine would help whether it’s a stimulant or not. I told him that’s why I’m here, because I’d like to have a conversation about it. I didn’t want a blanket adderal prescription, I wanted help figuring out what I needed and what would help.
We finally took the ADHD screening test and he said that “if I was telling the truth” that I have ADHD that could benefit from medication. I understand he is a general physician but the way he talked down to me the entire time made me realize how hard it is for people to seek help. I corrected his attitude a few times but idk how many people would do that. He talked to me as if I was a junkie but this was the first and only time I have ever sought help with ADHD.
Anyways, he prescribed me 10 mg adderall and I’m excited to see how it helps. | ADHD |
Long story short, I'm in EMS and I have Asperger's/ADHD. I've been in the Paramedics program for too damn long, and I'm about to graduate. I get shat on a lot for "not being able to take criticism" because sometimes I'll get emotional when I get feedback...think rejection sensitive dysphoria.
Here's the thing: I usually only get upset when it's something I knew but failed to perform (ie. forgetting to assess <insert thing> when I know better). Better yet, interpersonal stuff: when I say something stupid or potentially offensive without realizing it. I'm super hard on myself, especially because I'm constantly trying to prove that I can be an autistic paramedic. It's a complex issue, but that's more or less just the preamble.
I realized in a recent meeting that...I actually take criticism very well. If you tell me to improve on something, you *will* see improvements in the next scenario/with the next patient. One of my former preceptors (essentially my training supervisor/teacher) commended me for this. He told me a thing, and he was very impressed with how quickly I put it into practice. I had a minor meltdown when I gave me the criticism, but I bounced back.
I lowkey cried in front of a patient this one day. I was already feeling off, and I just got my period that day. It wasn't a super high-accutiy call. It in no way affected patient care. I don't even think the patient noticed. It was embarrassing, sure. But after, it was like nothing happened. I bounce back. And when I bounce back, I implement whatever it was I was told to do.
NTs don't seem to understand that I can compartmentalize my emotions. When this sort of thing happens, it feels like a completely separate part of me. I just want to be like "oh yeah sorry, that happens sometimes. Can we move on please?"
I can do the job. I can take criticism. I just do it differently. ~*SCREAMS INTO THE VOID*~ | aspergers |
I’ve always been told I have a very flat, monotone voice. Sometimes people even say I talk like a robot. I also mumble a lot. Anyone have any practice tips on how to improve your tone of voice?
Someone once told me that people with Aspergers tend to sound like their voice is getting pulled from their throat, instead of spoken with their chest. Honestly a pretty accurate description, for me at least. | aspergers |
A few years back, the only "checking OCD" I would do is simply checking my alarm on my phone over and over again until I was satisfied. This would be doing the act of powering on my phone 10+ times, checking if the time I wanted to wake up, was on the lockscreen of the phone.
Only recently this year, the "checking OCD" has significantly grown and is affecting my life much more now and it sucks. Now I'm checking almost every single thing over and over again - from
* checking if the lights are off
* checking if the taps are off
* checking if I left anything in the living room like my laptop or my phone before going to bed
* checking if I dropped anything in the room where I do my work
* checking if my laptop / phone is powered off when I don't need them
* checking if the windows are open at a certain angle
Last week, I have only realised that now I am constantly re-reading sentences so my reading speed is now 30 - 40% slower because I'm afraid that I misunderstood or missed something, When I watch videos where I need to listen carefully for information - I find myself rewinding and playing, rewinding just in case I missed anything.
I don't know why this is happening - I can clearly see that e.g. if the lights are off, They are off and it's dark - but my brain doesn't understand and it forces me to get stuck in the exhausting checking cycle.
Some days If i force myself to think rationally and tell myself it's off - it works but sometimes it just doesn't work and the OCD gets worse and I stay in the checking cycle for longer periods of time. | OCD |
When i have a bad day/week i don’t feel like speaking to anyone in real life or online. i find explaining how i feel to non autistic people very difficult and sometimes i’m not in the “mood” to speak or communicate…I feel extremely guilty for ignoring people though and that gives me some anxiety so i lose lose either way and just wonder if anyone else goes through something similar | aspergers |
I had to do a collaborative project for my class. Mind you this is all online and I had no face to face contact with the rest of my class. I felt like the project was very hard to understand and when it came time to turn it in, everyone understood it except me. Now I just feel embarrassed and want to run away. I've felt this feeling time and time again and now I'm just wondering how to cope with feeling like an idiot. | aspergers |
So as is common with ADHD, memory problems persist. I am married and my wife has been forever understanding of my issues with memory that come with ADHD, as well as my lack of ability to find things even when they are right in front of my face.
Tonight I was looking for my Switch Lite. I looked in some places I had figured it would be but could not find it. I then started looking elsewhere but after about 30-45 minutes I told my wife I was unable to find it. She asked me if I had looked in some places that I knew they most likely had to be. I told her yes but couldn't find it. She started looking as well and by this point I had given up and turned my attention elsewhere. She then asked again if I had looked in this one place, which was the most likely. I told her that was the first place I looked and could not find it. She then went there to look and only a few seconds later declared she had found it.
She teased me a bit for using the "man look" and not seeing something that was obviously there. I thanked her, took the carrying case and then realized I had made another mistake. I thought my case was yellow when in fact it was green. I told her this laughing realizing that I had spent the 30-45 minutes looking for a yellow Switch Lite case, definitely saw my case, and completely omitted it as not being mine because it was green and not yellow.
I just kept laughing about it as she just narrow eyed me. I can't help it when my ADHD decides to act exactly like ADHD. | ADHD |
I have been suspecting I'm on the spectrum for over a year now. And today something happened which I believe is some proof that I may really be an aspie.
I was with a group of other girls having conversation. One of the girls began asking each of the group members a specific question I wasn't really ready to answer. Just before it became my turn, in a split second, I awkwardly removed my phone from my pocket, turned my back to the group and pretended to be in a phone call. it was so embarrassing because it was sudden, no one saw that "phone call" coming. However, I don't know how to explain it, it was like something involuntary. I was very anxious to answer the question that it's like my mind just found the quickest way to avoid it. It was only after the conversation was over that I began considering whether that was rude or not. And I'm feeling guilty.
Is this something that might be caused by autism? | aspergers |
Hi guys I just joined this subreddit because I’m not sure if I have ptsd or some form of c-ptsd but I just know I’m scared and anxious all the time. Honestly after doing research I finally feel like this is my illness. I’ve been previously diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder, but I think my trauma lead to my depression. Although I haven’t been through much I was bullied severely as a kid and my parents were constantly fighting and violent, now I have frequent nightmares and I’m extremely scared of any form of sexual intimacy. How do I stop living I fear? I have a therapist but I don’t know if I should change one that is a trauma specialist? I’m new to all of this so any advice would help . I just want to know that I can get over this because I’ve been through so much and I’m just tired | ptsd |
I am 17 years old male, can someone please contact me on discord, I really need some life advices.
My discord: adeka#9854 | depression |
How am I supposed to kill myself if people will still think that I was selfish for it. Anyone else live inside their head? Therapy becomes too “easy”? Have ambitions but struggle to take a small step towards them without leaping into the unknown and getting let down? Hi I’m a 20yr old male looking for an adventurer in a similar situation that wants to make something of their lives. Please respond :) | depression |
I don't even know and where to start. We had a fight, again about something insignificant. And I realized my partner(49M) and sons (4 &6) don't need me in their life. I'm here to be the breadwinner, to cook, clean and organize life in general but that's it. Decisions should be made without me, and my opinion is not wanted. My emotions, feelings and thoughts are invalid. My job is brutal right now, very demanding and stressful. And I see no reason to continue with any of it. I'm crying in my bed for a few hours already and no one has checked up on me. My partner doesn't care. I feel so alone and hurt. It feels like a gaping big black hole in my heart and I just can not take it any more. My plan is to organize all finances for after the birth of our latest child and then just end it. I don't even know why I write this, I think I just wanted to share my thoughts with someone who might listen. | depression |
I might start meds and I am excited in the sense that it could be very helpful but I also have so many fears around them. If you can I would love to hear peoples experiences with them. | OCD |
First off TW for death
While at work last week, I unfortunately witnessed someone pass away due to a medical condition. It wasn't particularly gory, however I was right next to them when it happened.
I noticed that I've been particularly angry at work lately. I've always had problems sleeping now it's particularly bad. I swing between being irrationally angry or feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at random times. Almost like waves.
I also seem to have feelings of intense shame lately. I feel ashamed that I'm taking this so hard and it's starting to affect my personal relationships at home and at work. I was so stressed and anxious at work today I left early.
I feel like I'm a giant burden to everyone, and I seem to be getting worse as the days go on. I couldn't even help my manager with a project , that she really needed help on today. Instead I had to leave because of my emotional wellbeing. I feel awful for doing so, but at the same time I know I'm not OK.
The feelings of guilt and shame are incredibly overwhelming. I don't want to tell anyone at work how stressed and panicked I am. I just really need some support right now. | ptsd |
I'm basically a giant ball of PTSD mess and this is the worst it's ever been. No end in sight right now. | ptsd |
I have seen an improvement in many areas in my life and I am thankful for those. However, most of the things I felt 100% completely helpless and knew that only time could make things better. I just want to know if the concept of “with time things will get better” actually is real. Or am I being lied to and I actually have to learn somethings. The sooner I learn the better. Because somethings I actually have no idea how to experience since I have never experienced before.
ex)
1. Having friends rather than acquaintances.
2. Enjoying life.
I don’t know how to experience the following above because I know them intellectually but never really experienced them before.
Does it improve with time naturally or am I going to have to put in the work for these skills to start improving? | aspergers |
for an example if i get a certain thought i would think to myself like why am i acting this way and start to think i’m acting abnormal or i have some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder? it gets really bad and sometimes i question whether i’m crazy or something is wrong w me. Kind of like health anxiety except mental illness wise | OCD |
We broke up almost 3 years ago now and i cant forget her. I keep thinking ive finally gotten over her then i see a picture of us and it triggers so many bad memories. I still have a box full of her stuff. Ive dated other woman and ive broken up with those woman and still im focused on this single girl from high school. I hurt her so bad and the breakup was nasty, i traumatized her and i wish i could make things better. She was a good friend and i loved her. I still love her i think. But i know that theres no redemption here, i have to live with the fact she doesnt want anything to do with me. I know one day ill meet someone i love who loves me and what worries me is that i might not be over this girl by then. No one can compare to her. She was the perfect romance and she made me feel cared about. I dont think id be able to have a adult relationship bc they arent like that, they are so much more... Empty. Less flirting with each other over late night calls and more so just dating and talking to each other a couple times a day, at least thats my experience. | depression |
i read the lesbian masterdoc. i dont have comp het. whyyy. anyone else get this? | OCD |
Been looking at a lot of photos about suicide from some subreddits. I just wish it would scare me away from wanting to kill myself. They do look scary and disgusting, yes, but I still want to die. Nothing helps. God, maybe I should try to OD myself again, like on that one day almost a year ago. | depression |
She said she doesn’t know how to help me anymore. I fed very alone, scared and I think I might have given up. | depression |
Hello all!
I had a very fresh break up that completely blindsided me this week. It was a very quick conversation followed by me having to move out immediately.
Because I was so in shock the entire time, as I had to pack up, my brain was completing shut down and I couldn’t think of what to do or pack and had to ask my sister to give me instructions. I’ve never experienced this level of overwhelm.
As people with ADHD, you know how sometimes you want to do one thing, then try to do another, then have to stop and remind yourself what you were doing, and then make a list in your head about ordering your activities- all in the matter of 2 seconds?
I’m finding in my day to day when I experience those moments, it’s like I’m triggered and pulled back into that moment of full overwhelm until shutdown. Those two second moments of deciding what to do is now even more overwhelming than ever before.
I try to stop and breathe in those moments, and know that the breakup is fresh and this feeling will go away with time.
Any recommendations of what I can do to manage or prevent? I have interviews coming up- I’m usually great on the go and taking a second to think. Im worried that these moments of heavy overwhelm will happen in those contexts. | ADHD |
I do not use drugs ! I did smoke marijuana twice last month but am NOT a regular user. At the doctor the question came up “do you smoke and how much daily. Do you drink and how much daily. Do you use drugs and how much daily “. I said No because I’m not a regular user and that occurred two times but it’s not a habit. Was this a lie on my part ? | OCD |
Hello, I'm New here. I'm 25F. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression by ten years now. My theraphist said to me that I might have OCD but only in thinking (?) I'm brazilian, english is not my first language so please excuse me If I don't know the right terms in english, it's all new to be. So basically it's like an OCD that just stay in the mind - i do have obsessive thoughts, and they come and go, but It feels like my brain never shuts up, never shuts off or It never EVER stops thinking about things, every thing I have to do, everything I have to say, and It can get worse when my anxiety is out of control. But I don't actually do the rituals, at least not out of my mind.
I always thought that this "overthink about everything all the time" was only related to my constant anxiety, because sometimes It feels like i'm anxious 24/7. My brain is always worrying and thinking and always searching for things to worry about. It get worse when It comes to social, I do have social anxiety and I start to analyze every action I'll perform when I'm around people - If i'm on a bus I'll practice in my head how I'll get up, ask the driver or whatever (here where I live we have a string. Which we pull and the machines makes a noise and the driver knows someone wants to get off in the next stop) and How I'll walk to the end, avoiding eye contact and get off the bus and walk away. This is just an example of stituations I start to overthink and analyze every action.
I have this thing of wanting to be in Control of everything. I try to Control time. I'm always looking at the clock to see what time it is, If Its taking too long for the time to pass, If i'm listening to music i have to listen the whole album to start to finish and I keep tracking the time of the álbum using it as a way to know how much time i have or How much time has passed.
I don't know If there's really such thing as "OCD of thinking" i don't know the right term, but it's like obsessive thoughts that don't lead to compulsive acts, such rituals, but in a way of always having obsessive thoughts, mostly intrusives that sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in and can't get out, but sometimes It feels like i'm out of them, and I can "relax" and breath, but then my brain is like "hey!! Did you know about this?? You should think about this" and then a wave of thoughts and thinking thinking, never stops thinking and It feels like i'm gonna suffocate.
I Just want to know If anyone can realate to It, and If It might be an actual OCD or just anxiety and overthinking in general. It's just so exausting to be inside my head. I used to binge eat or self harm to get rid of the constantly overthinking sometimes. I'm almost 6 months free of self harm, which is a lot, but sometimes I still feel like eating a lot to just get out of this need of control everything all the time. | OCD |
I'm getting glimpses of empathy that I never understood existed, here and there;
The downside is you see the past in a different, shitty light; Everything from cringey to soul-crushing; It's like your mind has been shielding you from your idiocy; More like you didn't understand that your mind works VASTLY different than the normies, but you didn't realize it, and you're a bad person cause you're stuck up your own \*\*\*hole.
My doctor told me I'm not a high-functioning sociopath cause I wouldn't be asking him about it if I was.
I just have aspergers lol. And bipolar. And mood disorders.
From a robotic think-tank with eyes pegged open to inappropriately emotional to surging highs; Deadly lows, and a constant drip of self-hatred.
I'm taking new meds for bipolar; A month in and promising so far, I'd say; | aspergers |
Prior to covid, I was on Adderall and it was working for me. When covid happened, my psychiatrist wasn't doing telehealth, so I had to look for a new one. I couldn't find one with a reasonable wait time, so I settled for one with a 6 month waiting period. Due to my lack of medication, I missed that appointment and had to wait another 6 months.
By this time, my life had started to fall apart. I lost my job, had to go on medicaid and was/am on the brink of total bankruptcy. Upon my first visit, my new psychiatrist told me that he doesn't prescribe stimulants to people over 30 because he had a bad experience where a previous patient died of cardiac arrest because of a stimulant he prescribed. He then proceeded to tell me that, "stimulants are basically meth", and that I'd, "be better off without them".
So after a year of waiting, I started my search for a new psychiatrist. The one I (stupidly) chose was in the same health group as my previous one. The waiting time for her was another 4 months. 2 months into the wait, the health group called and cancelled. I pushed back to find out why and it was revealed that the health group is a Catholic organization and that they have strict policies on stimulants.
Fast forward to now, I'm 2 years in without medication. I'm staying with my partner, I'm making about $600 a month at a part time job and I'm in the process of filing for bankruptcy. I found an organization that has a "fast track" to seeing a psychiatrist with the stipulation that you have to see an in-house therapist 4 times.
I had my first visit with their in-house therapist today and she warned that several of their psychiatrists have a similar stance and I may run into the same issue. She noted that she has clients over 30 who greatly benefited from stimulants, which is the same stance my previous therapist held.
Has anyone else had issue with this? What was the end result? Is this normal? Am I just experiencing a lot of bad luck? Does this have something to do with the fact that I'm now poor and on medicaid? At this point I feel like their decisions have done great harm to me and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think I can handle another rejection when waiting times are this long. | ADHD |
A while back I was open about my aspergers with a professor who later discriminated against me for it, now I wrote my grad school personal statement about how my diagnosis influenced my decision to study assistive technology for autism and other disabilities. For years after experience discrimination with the first professor I’ve been closeted about my diagnosis but I felt this was the most honest way to right my personal statement and how I’ve come to my decisions without making it an excuse for anything, now I’m scared I won’t get into the grad school I want. Could use a bit of emotional support | aspergers |
Is it true that once you have it you most likely will get it again? I had my first one last year and I feel like since then I’m more likely to get it that bad again and it never fully goes away so you have to take your meds for years? | depression |
So after my prescriber had me try Strattera for 6 weeks and having no success except some negative side effects they are giving me the option to try Wellbutrin.
Anyone have experience using it? Primarily I have issues with innatentiveness and lack of motivation. I know Wellbutrin is primarily a Depression med and I don't have any issues with Depression though I have some with anxiety though it's nots too bad.
Really want something that will help
Update*
I held off on the Wellbutrin and was able to see a doctor and was prescribed Vyvanse! So far I've been having wonderful results with it! | ADHD |
honestly this serves more as a vent which I was hoping to avoid ever posting but it’s getting so much worse…
When something happens in my relationship or in school or at home or just in life, it feels like i have a way bigger reaction than it should be. I can’t process any inconvience at a moderate level, its always the worse until I can re-regulate my mood through isolation or an unfortunate meltdown. Literally happened to see one of my boyfriends past ex’s/fling whatever through social media and it’s making me feel so paranoid and anxious that I can’t even look at my social media anymore. and I want to just process this negative emotion at a normal level but it just feels so extreme and overwhelming, and it’s starting to feel like this for almost everything.
Don’t know if what I’m typing makes sense or is relatable but I just want my mood to not feel so overpowering. it’s tiring… | aspergers |
Maybe this isn't the subreddit for this, I'm not sure, but I just want to hear people's ocd recovery stories and what worked for them because I'm starting to lose hope. Even if you're not fully back to normal I just want to hear what has helped you. | OCD |
My workplace (Retirement home) is locked down because we have a case on the first floor. As you can guess, everyone is stressed and aggravated. Unfortunately, this also includes me being treated like shit.
Yesterday, I was thrown into a new situation with serving food with like, no warning. I wasn't really sure what to do, which led to a Caregiver making a remark to me: "You take forever. You should do this when you first walk in the door." (I was asked to do something else when I came in!!!)
Today, I was putting breakfast together and my supervisor remarked that: "You're slow." I didn't say anything back, because I believe this is a time where we should be kind to each other. I have to go to HR tomorrow and I don't want to go in tomorrow.
I'd rather just resign now and move on TBH. I'm scared these people are targeting me due to my Asperger's. My supervisor knows I have Asperger's, but what if it got in the rumor mill? | aspergers |
I know this might sound funny, but I have to get my wisdom teeth out and I’m actually terrified that I’ll say something intrusive/unforgivable in front of my partner or family afterwards. Like, I’ve been pushing back my appointment because I’m so worried I’ll say something bad. | OCD |
If you’re easily grossed out, this isn’t for you. I’m so embarrassed and disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen but proud that i got it done today. I will give a bit of background but the graphic part is the bottom.
I’m 27 years old. For 19 years i lived as a “normal” person. I was happy, fearless, intelligent . Then summer of 2015, (July 2nd, yes i remember) i got this numb feeling. It shocked me so much and happened twice so i went to the ER. They found nothing but i got worst that night and went again. I learned i had anxiety attacks and then i eventually had surgeries for my allergies plus allergy shots & gastro issues. This went on for awhile and i ended up taking online classes that fall. Also in July of that year, my aunt passed out of no where. Everything sucked & i started having sleep apnea and paralysis. TERROR and made me have anxiety about sleep too!
I had some hard years and gained a ton of weight but my anxiety started to lessen around 2017. I got pregnant but as a black woman, i couldn’t handle being another statistic of a single mother. I knew the man i was with didn’t care that much & i didn’t want to but decided to have an abortion. Around late 2019 through 2020, i started getting better depression wise. I started losing weight and eating better. I started to get dressed more outside of work and taking care of myself as i used to. I see such a dark cloud and waste of my years from 2015-2019.
Now, since 2016ish, I’ve been financially successful and able to mask the sadness. I would work a lot and let myself disappear and wallow on days off. But money is nothing when you can’t enjoy yourself & feel time passing you by. So this year i got a new job with a pay cut but more time off! Great right? NO! Lol, more time off for me means more time for my brain to be idle. More time for me to be lazy and wallow. More depression.
Around July of this year my life fell apart in every way. I had a business so i stopped working… because i wanted to figure me out . For lots of reasons , i paused the business with the partner. I was tired of people using me for money, i don’t mind helping but when you’re a giver, people take advantage. Idc about the $, it’s the way they barely ask if you’re okay. You don’t hear from them until then. I got tired of dead end relationships. I allowed the way others treated me to lower my self esteem and self worth. I felt like nothing. For the first time in my life, i gave up on everything… even myself. I give and help in any way i can, for ANYONE…& I’d give anything to have someone just care.
I sit in my luxury apartment, prime location, and feel alone. When i worked, I’d come home to myself. I’m shy so hard to connect with but funny enough I’m actually a funny, pretty & intelligent girl but I’m introverted. Money is nothing when you’re alone. So tmi but here i go… the last 6 weeks, i have done nothing. Barely bathed. Left my phone on DND.. barely left the bed. I know my body well but was shocked when my period came on because the days flew by. When i did eat, i ordered food. I didn’t take the trash out nor use valet trash. Couldn’t be bothered. I started smelling the trash and hearing gnats. i saw a few. I got up today and was working on things outside of the house but taking a bag at a time before running erands … i looked down and saw larvae. I was disgusted. I just finished taking everything out …freaking out because i am terrified of bugs lol. I waited because i wants my neighbors to mostly be inside lol. I was too embarrassed to allow valet trash to help or see me. I’m so disgusted i allowed myself to let this happen. I’m sad i had 19 years of life and 8 years I’ve been emotionally dead. I didn’t ask for this. It isn’t fair to know what it’s like to be normal and lose it. I’m scheduling an appt to get help. I can’t do this alone & i just want to have my life back. I was so numb that i didn’t care to live anymore…i cursed God for not helping me. How could he do this me?
I’m in the lowest season of my life, no contact with anyone..i stopped talking to everyone to figure me out . Seasons pass though so i hope to come out stronger for spring . This is my winter diary ♥️ depression is the dumbest of bitches… | depression |
This is for my tribe, love to you all.
It's also for me, because I'm feeling discouraged today.
You may be homeless, penniless, uneducated (yet), starving, exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed...
But please know that you will make it.
Keep trying, don't stop plugging through this.
I went from living with friends (hoarder parents), no car, no health insurance, and not having the degree I needed-
to having my own large place, paying off debt, my own car, a snuggly pet, a couple more degrees, and an amazing job that I love working with amazing people.
It took me a decade (without meds) and I almost gave up several times but it's possible.. so please don't let your dreams go.
You have the will within you, if you are anything like me you hyperfocus on perfection.
Please don't give up. <3 | ADHD |
TW// Themes of paranoia so if you think you have it or by reading this it'll be a new theme feel free to skip :))
A few months ago I was super paranoid, I didn't know it was OCD back then and I would constantly seek reassurance from a a friend of mine about the situation I was in. For a few months the blinds in my room would stay closed, I have taped off my laptop and iPad cameras, I don't comment on YouTube or some TikToks out of fear and I would make sure that if there was any website that needed the mic it would be blocked and just many other things. One of those things included not using the laptop in front of my mirror, I was so scared that someone was secretly spying on me through the mirror that I wouldn't even change properly in front of it. Whenever I would go on my laptop I would face the mirror not turn my back because I didn't want my screen reflecting on it but recently I've been forcing myself to do it. I used to be scared logging into my social media, gmails and other things and even though it's still tough now I'm trying and I'm glad I'm starting to be calm around it. | OCD |
That you start panicking and you convince yourself you want to act on them? I often have violent thoughts of possibly hurting my mother but I would never do that. I love her and I don’t want to lose her. But my sometimes when I panic, I try convincing myself I want to and it makes me cry every time. I wish these thoughts went away. Idk what suddenly cause it last night. I think because I hugged her and she was watching a violent movie. But I wish these would go away ugh. And I keep fearing I’ll act on it and might like it. :( | OCD |
If we had the "inside out" guys in our heads, I think that there would be just a lever that had 2 settings "bored" or "happy" and a small button that sometimes gets pressed, that makes me feel a little bit of agony.
As we have lots of posts of people that have too many emotion, I am starting to doubt that I am probably aspie. I am still going after my diagnosis, but my psycologist thinks I am in lightly in the spectrum.
Do we have more people like me that feels little to none emotion? | aspergers |
I am feeling quiet depresed and I have some Anxiety. I am fighting it hard I am even fighting urges to be bad. I have been aware of my ADHD since i was in the 6th grade when i was officially diagnosed. On top of all this i have been unemployed since January of this year. I have never been unemployed this long. We moved to a new town in central Florida. Dont get me wrong I have been actively looking for work. I still have not been able to find anything that will keep my employed. I like working with my hands and everthing i go for is given to someone else and the people i interview with never call me back even just to say sorry we did not find yout good fit for our job, that is super depressing. I have been spending my days In my garage Building my Hobbies ( RC model Airplane and doing landscaping). I need some support. It would be great if i could find a group like me close to my town to make friends with. At this point i am scared to go back to work. I need a support network. This so called pandemic has destroyed my friendsnetwork. I am Married but my wife can only give me so much since her parents live with us. I do not know what else to do. | ADHD |
Has anybody has success treating their pure-o ocd with cannabis? | OCD |
I never knew that certain tactile feelings of disgust or fear are a sign of asd.
I've always had a phobia of corduroy fabric. It's...... Wrong. In ways I can't even explain. Anyone else have something like this. | aspergers |
Hi there,
I'm not sure if someone might relate but these days I'm finding it hard to take my medicine because I am worried about pieces of plastic falling into the pill bottle/oil dropper bottle through the safety seals. Safety seals that are paper/aluminum also bother me, especially of pieces of it are left over on the pill/vitamin bottles... I've had to find versions of my medicine without the over-the-top safety seals in order to feel more comfortable. I just threw out a bottle of my medicine because I was not sure if a piece of plastic had gotten into the oil.
It's becoming hard on me... I just want to feel normal and take what I need. I'm learning as much as I can about contamination OCD. I'm wondering if I should just get the medicine and completely forget about this fear. The fear is based in: If I take in too much plastic contaminants, I could end up sick and it's my fault.
​
All the best,
George | OCD |
Recently I have been battling an obsession that I can’t seem to shake.. & mentally I am more than tired. I hate how almost everyday there’s something for me to obsess about...I hate how I feel more than anything else & feel hopeless. I’m ruminating everyday, but I just want to feel free. Any tips on how to reduce the exhaustion, anxiety, depression while going through this? | OCD |
I’ve been belching about 1,000 times a day since November. Apparently, it’s called supragastric belching, and it’s caused by OCD (as if I need another OCD-related problem in my life). It’s something about anxiety making you suck air into your esophagus without knowing it, then it has to come out somehow, so you spend all day burping like a motherfucker. They’re treating it with muscle relaxants, but these things are making me fall asleep, and I’m just wondering, do people get cured of this? Or am I just going to be belching like a dragon breathes fire / falling asleep all day because I’m on muscle relaxants for the rest of my life. | OCD |
I've been on it for a month. I'm not sure if it's causing the anxiety or just amplifying existing anxiety, but I'm only anxious about a situationship I'm in, and it's made me assume that they think negatively of me when i read their text messages, but I don't have this problem in real life. My heart beat can also beat strongly while anxious but also while I'm exited playing a game.
What confuses me is how these side effects are present after meds wear off, and if there is a crash then the side effects still remain after that, and even the morning after. I don't think it's due to any crash, it's just the way I am now. Much more sensitive. Occasionally meds will fix my emotional problems and I'm all good and unbothered by anxious thoughts or anxious physical feelings but it can come and go fast.
Anyone else felt this? | ADHD |
Hello everyone. I’m 23 years old, I’m healthy, I work out, and I try to be the best I can.
During puberty I have developed a condition known as “gynecomastia”… which is essentially man boobs. It was a very minor case, and it was actually barely noticed by most people. However I wanted to just be a normal boy with a flat chest. I opted for surgery to remove the excess breast gland I had growing inside my chest giving it a very feminine appearance. I know it may seem silly to want to bring yourself to suicide because of puffy nipples, but when I tell you that this condition has destroyed my confidence and has caused me sleepless nights and total loss of motivation to do anything, I’m not lying. The surgery supposedly “went well” and I would see the results within 6 months. 2 weeks go buy and they still look the same. I was told that because of the incisions, I had scar tissue, which is causing the feminine like appearance in my chest again. I was told to be patient and that it WILL subside. I think I was lied to. The scar tissue hasn’t gone down in the slightest, and it feels like not enough of what was there before was removed at all. What I’m left with 5 months later is those same insecurities, depressiveness, lack of motivation and just generally melancholy feelings that I had before, but magnified x10. In fact, my chest looks worse than it did before. It has caused me so much grief lately, that I’ve been having suicidal thoughts…I’m not really sure where to go from here. | depression |
4 years ago I was raped, I was knocked to my knees and given no choice of my own. That choice was taken away and after he was done using my mouth for his twisted gain I was left wallowing in a mix of my own vomit and his disgusting fluids. I couldn't scream I couldn't break free, all I could do was pray, a prayer of a faithless person falls on deaf ears I'm afraid. I thought I'd give up, that I'd end it all but I stayed alive only because it was easier than facing whatever awaits me on the other side. Eventually it got easier... I was recovering
1 year ago my father moved into my mother's house because she had fled away to another state. I tried to be good, I tried to do it his way but I couldn't ignore his disregard of my feelings and his abuse of the title of father. I found comfort in the arms of a man who I believed was good, who I thought could save me but I was wrong. He was selfish and cruel, he hit me and made me feel like I couldn't say no to his advances. Not that I would if I could, I saw this pain as easier to swallow than the abuse from a family member. when I tried to end the relationship he shackled me down in my mind, telling me that I didn't have a choice and that I was being selfish. Eventually though he'd let enough light in to let me go... but I went back again and again.
I was with someone else after I had broken up with him. She was sweet and innocent. Until I met her girlfriend.
She was my girlfriend's girlfriend, a person who was open to sharing her love and happy to please others. At some point it was just me and her, trying to make things work. I finally left to join my mom in her new home. It was a weekend in August, the same weekend that I had been raped 3 years prior, I went to visit her, to be with her. She broke down my mind, she convinced me I was a fragment of many shattered pieces that all wanted to be alive. She used my body without a sound mind, she held my throat until I couldn't breathe. She might've gone all the way if her mother hadn't drove up there and then...
The same day. Different trauma. A different life. | ptsd |
The pandemic has definitely made this much worse; however, I've struggled with this my entire life. I haven't been able to decipher whether it's autism or social anxiety or both (I'm not diagnosed with either).
Esentially, there's a huge wall in my brain blocking my thoughts and my verbal speech. I feel like I'm quite eloquent when typing my thoughts out, and I can express myself fully and authentically. However, my mind seems to go entirely blank when I speak. Even when I script and plan what to say, it rarely comes out as intended. Also, my voice is extremely weak, robotic, and monotone. People describe me as having a strange inflection. I go nonverbal when I'm particularly stressed or overstimulated.
This has made me struggle heavily with relationships and finding and maintaining employment. I struggle with speaking authentically and feeling heard, even with people I'm closest to (my parents and siblings). I often have to continue conversations with people over to text immediately after, because I rarely feel as though I expressed myself as intended. I've lost many friends over my difficulties with holding conversation verbally. In the workplace, this problem makes it hard for people to take me seriously, and they often assume that I'm not mature/smart enough to handle the job. During interviews, I say the worst things imaginable, or I even go completely silent.
This has also been a particular problem in my romantic relationship. My partner and I are long-distance and communicate mostly through text. When we met in person, they expressed that it felt like I was two different people. I ended up texting with them even in person, because I struggled with verbal speech so much.
This problem is a big reason why I rarely feel like I can connect with others, and it is a sad way to live. | aspergers |
I thought I would reach out today because I'm having a rough time, and maybe talking will help me and anyone else in my position get out of the rut we find ourselves in. It would seem to me that autistic people are fairly well suited to computer programming, so I figure I can't be alone here. There does not appear to be many programming support groups out there, that is support on a emotional, mental, and social level. Maybe because most programmers are like me, and find it difficult to communicate with other humans? Or it that just because I'm autistic?
Anyway, what languages do you enjoy? Any future ones you find promising or wish to try out? What projects are you working on? How is your career and do you have any words of wisdom about being a programmer?
My main languages are C/C++ and JavaScript/Node.js for small jobs. Over the years I keep finding that my favorite language is C, because it's easier to make clearly thought-out designs in it. As far as I can discern, it's also the most important language in a historical and practical sense. Most modern languages rely on it in some fashion or another, and most operating systems have a significant portion of their code written in C. It's the lingua franca for computers and programmers all around the world.
I've been learning some Rust recently as it's the only well-supported public alternative to C++ and I'm curious how it can improve upon that monolithic monstrosity. I'm interested in Zig also and I wonder if in time it can become an alternative to C. I'm also very interested in Johnathan Blow's Jai language and am hopeful to someday give it a try. I even think it may have the best prospect of taking C++'s place, although only time will tell.
I've been making C++ plugins for Skyrim SE, a pretty popular video game. It's something of a challenge because you have to go pretty low level to work with the binary directly. I've also been making a project in C that I hope to implement my own custom regex engine in. I just recently got finished with implementing a string type that can read any Unicode string forwards or backwards and is generic enough to read and convert between any encoding that fulfills its interface.
On the job front, I'm in something of a pickle and can't offer any advice, although I'm open to hearing any. On the general mental well-being front I can't offer much advice there either. I find it so much easier to talk to a computer than I do other people, and programming already being the lonely pursuit that it is, I find myself in a double bind because I'm autistic also.
Forgive me if this post reads like it belongs more in r/programming rather than this subreddit, but I can't help but see the intricate relation between programming and autism and figure I would try to communicate about it and offer as much to others. It's pretty freaking lonely otherwise. | aspergers |
Hey
I got an interesting job offer many years ago but turned it down because my mind was focused on other things. Its only recently I got second new job offer and accepted it, and this is something I really want to work with. Also I would recommend finding a job & working instead of waiting around to finding the job you really want, of course not all aspergers are the same when it comes to waiting around for the perfect job. | aspergers |
Is there anyone here who has suffered or been suffering from chronic earworm? If you are, can you share your own experience of battling the earworm and how were you able to overcome it? Thanks!! | OCD |
I moved into a house with 5 roommates last month. I’ve moved a few times since my diagnosis and always lived with housemates. One of those previous situations bordered on abusive, the others were tolerable. My current situation was fine until last week, now I’m essentially hiding from everyone.
Last week two women in the house cleaned while I was away, I didn’t know this was happening. When I returned home, one of them snapped on me and accused me of leaving marks in the toilet. I have IBS and was mortified by this so I texted the landlord to ask if we could hire a weekly cleaner. He agreed and came by the house to chat, but when he did another women came out of her room and began shouting about shampoo bottles (I only kept 2 in the shower) and again, the toilet. I am sure the whole house heard. I tried to deescalate but this woman is maybe 20+ years older than I am and was lecturing me I’m an ignorant kid (I’m almost 30).
I’ve been avoiding the kitchen for a week and worry that the quieter I stay, the easier a target I will become. I bought a shower shelf but I’m afraid to install it. I used to get screamed at until I was in a ball on the floor at home. I’ve been assaulted in my home and blamed for the violence that occurred. So when I pay to live somewhere as an adult I feel a mixture of indignation and complete terror.
I just feel like everyone thinks I’m foul and that these women are going to gang up on me in the future. I only just moved in and enjoy my room. | ptsd |
Note: this might trigger some ppl
i have been whooping ocd lately, 7 days of not listening to ocd but the trauma doesnt go when you stop obsessing. I dont know what should i even say, all i know is that there was no one to help me, it was so dark...so lonely, i was crying desperately i would try to smoke then throw the cigarette away then light another one and throw it too, i sat there like "i have a knife, i can fix this, i just need to not panic when i cut my wrists" but i didnt cut them, i dont know why i am so scared of actually doing it all the time. Where should i go? what should i go? who would listen? who would believe me? will anyone ever love me? i remember i needed someone, i always have been terrified of cancer or blindness or any thing like this, i remember then i begged anything that can cause me this, to do them, but make what i believed back then false, safe to saysince then i dont cling to life. I went through an alcohol abuse phase, for someone who barely used to drink i would finish half a liter of vodka in like 2 days (that would be like, 30-35 shots) i would be drunk all the time, my friend once asked me what do i feel when i drink and all i could think of is "there is no ocd when im drunk". I honestly feel all the time that i want to die, if i get cancer i would probably leave the hospital dancing and live my last days on pain killers because i dont want to stay alive and try to get cancer therapy. I fel im slipping back into alcoholism, the thought of getting alcohol and drinking till i sleep happily for the rest of the day seems brighter than what i live with, im kinda trying to live with the idea that i will not have any friends (or say real friends) or have any kind of romance that i will take seriously and not just for fun,but im tired, u know? everytime i remember what happened at that night, i just dont feel like i want to stay like this. I lived 2 days thinking im apedophile, and that night was the night i believed my ocd and couldnt prove it wrong (later tho i was able to), all the people that i loved got creeped out even tho im the same person who always rejected child abuse, and sometimes im too extreme that i think my idea of protecting children is itself harmful to them because it limits the child lol. No one told me that itwill be ok, no one said that i should get therapy. They just were ready to leave. My best friend left me a while later because her stupid boyfriend doesnt like me, its like thousands of stabs right in my heart. We actually made up after that and i remeber once i was drunk and kinda attacked her verbally saying things like "you meant the world to me, you were everything to me" and i think about that night and remember how i was feeling, when i get drunk all the barriers disappear if i think u suck i will tell u u suck and might punch u to express it lol, to go to her and tell her all that, and when she talks i would tell her to shut up probably lmao, funny but sad tbh. I thought i got over it, but i dont think i will ever do, she was the only person in the world who i would consider as someone who will never leave me, but she did. Since then i dont really see any relationship as important or lasting, i dont believe in friendship or LoVe, they are not real to me and i wouldnt risk myself to test if they are. I feel lonely, if i done some wrong things before i wold love to get help, if i am doing wrong things i would love to get help, if i was born with something bad but i dont go with it then i am not inherently bad and evil when i didnt choose anything. I genuinely think that the only actual friends i will have are either people with ocd and same experiences as i am, or pedophiles (non offender of course). And it is hard to live like this, and i am tired of living like this, i want to end all this. | OCD |
I didn’t realize I had a problem until one afternoon I stopped by my parents home. They were watching Bodycam, and it showed footage of a Trooper being shot. I’ve never cared for the show COPS and all that, so I don’t watch them. My Apple Watch began screaming at me, because my pulse was 135 and holding. I started having shortness of breath and had to walk outside to get myself to calm down.
I have worked in the field, and as a dispatcher. I had worked a lot of bad stuff in my years, including three officer involved shootings, and many horrific calls people cannot imagine. Lost a few good guys I worked with along the way too. I’m glad I got out of that line of work, and I work the EMS side of things now. But I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until a few days ago. It’s like that triggered something I cannot explain. Anyone else we’ve experience anything similar to what I experienced? I’m not sure it was post traumatic stress, but something happened I cannot explain. | ptsd |
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