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I don't know if I am or not, depressed. I looked around online and says I have Depersonalization Disorder, and schizophrenia. I don't feel any emotions. Lose interest of doing things i loved as a kid. Feel like I'm on autopilot. I have a desire for a tight hug... I don't want to feel like this anymore. I haven't told my family about any of this cause for 1 they will say "you're going through a phase" or some bs. No I'm not. Been feeling like this since I was 9. 17 now. I've cut before but stopped after I worried a couple people. Been drinking (yes I know its bad but hey. Nobody ain't even trying to help) I always say I'm fine even though I need a hug and want someone to hold me and try to help me what I am feeling. I sleep to escape my life and live in a peaceful fantasy I want to be in permanently. So please can anyone help me with this. I need help and feel like shit every day. I want to have help to help me express my feelings or something or find out what is causing this. | depression |
I have been having a rough time lately with my job, my coworkers do not like me and It’s been causing my performance to go down. I recently got a raise and solid review but I don’t think I can mentally handle everyone on my shift talking trash about me. I hope I can restart at my new job if not I don’t think I can handle this anymore. | depression |
Heya guys. This is my first time posting on Reddit. I have been haunted by my PTSD and I feel that the only way to get passed it is to just type it the hell out in hopes that it will lessen the hold it has on me.
It all started when I was in 5th grade. My mother was going to college in Michigan. During her night classes, she would drop me off at my babysitter's house. My babysitter had just broken up with her abusive boyfriend. One night, he broke into the house while I was sleeping. I woke to neighbors screaming. I went downstairs to find my babysitter in the front yard being stabbed by her ex. People were banging pots and pans trying to distract him, but he wouldn't stop. The police showed up and told him to drop his weapon, but he didn't. They shot him multiple times and he dropped dead next to her. They both died in front of me.
Next, I was 12 and on a road trip with my step-father. We were heading down the interstate when the SUV in front of us lost control. It flipped many times before stopping in the ditch. The driver was expelled from the SUV and was decapitated. There was a small boy in the backseat, lying halfway out of the window. He was motionless. I still don't know what happened to him.
Next, I was 16. I was walking to my boyfriend's house. A car pulled up in front of me and a few guys jumped out. One puts a gun to my head and demands that I get in his car. I get in, of course. The driver drops his 2 passengers off at a local bar and drives me to a secluded cul-de-sac. The only house I could see had their shades drawn. He demanded that I have sex with him. Mind you, I was a virgin. Never even had my first kiss. This nasty man kissed my neck and ripped my jeans open. He molested me for about 10 minutes before he put his gun down on the dashboard. While he was trying to undress me, I grabbed the gun and opened the door to run. He grabbed me before I could get out, causing me to drop the gun. I elbowed him in the face and ran. He fired several shots behind me while I ran through an empty field, then drove away. I ran to the house with their shades drawn and knocked. The person wouldn't open the door, just kept asking what I wanted. I ran and hid in bushes and waited for hours, terrified that the person would come back. I finally got up and ran to the nearest payphone I could find. (This was back before everyone had cellphones) I called my mother. Apparently the people at the house I knocked on called the police and they were looking for me. They find me and take me home. I tell them everything. The police don't believe me. They think I'm just a teen trying to get attention. The people in the house with the shades drawn tell the police that their shades were wide open and didn’t see anything happen. Psshh. Still to this day I don’t understand how someone can lie like that for no reason.
Side note... 1 year later I get a call from a homicide detective. Two sisters were abducted by a man and a car fitting the exact description I gave. The older sister was murdered, the younger sister got away. They finally believed me but it was too fucking late. Sad. They never caught him.
Next. 21st birthday. Phoenix. My mother and I went to the casino to celebrate. I left at about 2 am. As I was coming to the overpass at 7th and the 10, a woman threw herself off the overpass. She slammed to the ground but was still moving... I got out to help but before I could get to her, a truck came through and demolished her.
Next. 22 years old. Driving home from a friend's house late at night. I round a corner and see a huge cloud of dust. I slam on the brakes and look around. There's a motorcycle on the side of the road. I get out and see a man on the side of the road. I run up and see it's just a torso with a helmet on. I look around and in the middle of the road is one of his legs. I remember 2 cars drove by and ran it over. After calling 911, one car stopped and asked what happened. I told him that there was an accident and that the man was definitely dead, having lost his bottom half. That's when the torso made noise. I ran to him. He was still alive. I waited with him until the ambulance came. They took him but he died on the way to the hospital. His mother called me about a month later. She got my info from the police report. She called to thank me for being there with him in his last minutes. He was 18, just graduated from high school and had an entire life ahead of him. It went to my voicemail. It killed me. I feel so guilty because he heard me say that his legs were gone. He heard me say that he had to be dead. Maybe if I hadn't said that, he would have had more hope to survive and not given up. I never returned her call. I should have but I felt so guilty. That will forever haunt me.
Next, watched my father die from cancer. Everyone says that their father is the best, but mine really was. He was the strongest, funniest man I've ever met and will ever meet. When he finally passed, he was 80 pounds. Just a sliver of himself, completely defeated. I try to remember him as he was, but it's hard. It's hard to watch someone you love lose a battle that you can't help with. I'll leave it at that because no words can ever explain the pain.
Well, that's about 80% of the death I've experienced in my life. The rest was family, from drugs/disease.
Needless to say, I became crippled with anxiety. By the time I was 26, I couldn't leave my house. I was terrified that I was going to die. I couldn't even function. I was a shell of a person. I tried to get help but every therapist I found was out of my network or not seeing new people. I gave up. I was ready to die.
Then my mother came and brought me to a free clinic. They gave me meds and referred me to someone who I could afford. (Don't even get me started on the healthcare situation in America, GOOD LORD.)
I was put on medication. I fought it it the entire way because I was terrified that it would turn me into a zombie. Nope. It was a miracle. I mean, I slept for a good week straight because I was so exhausted from the anxiety but now I'm a fully functioning member of society again :) It was truly a miracle. I'm now enrolled in an EMT course. I want to help people. I feel like that would help me heal, by healing others. Anyways, that's most of my PTSD story. Just a reminder that there is help out there. If you have PTSD, Anxiety or Depression, please reach out to me. This is not your end, it’s a chance to begin again. It gets better if you make it. I promise. | ptsd |
I honestly don't know how to feel, I have no job, friends to ask for help and my relationship with my family is at rock bottom.
This is the most scared I've been in quite a long time. | depression |
Hi to all, I am diagnosed with ptsd due to both of my parents being seek my entire life and then dying when I was 15/18 yo.
It becomes really difficult being social with people, I feel like everyone around me has an interest of being friends with me, I’m also always listening to everyone’s problems with no limits and it doesn’t happen the other way around.
At some point I rather be at home alone for days smoking my weed, but also I feel so lonely.
Can anyone relate?
Tips?
Thank u 🤍 | ptsd |
I have been on fluvoxamine for 5 months till now but I feel 24/7 that I wanna sleep and I can’t study, Is this a side effect or what? | OCD |
i’ve been at this job for about 2 months now and even though I feel like I understand what i’m doing and feel like i’ve been doing things the way i’m meant to, it just came out that apparently I lost some papers and filed some shit wrong and I have absolutely 0 recollection of doing this.
My coworker wasn’t necessarily mad but I feel hella fucking embarrassed and mad at myself because I have no explanation for how that happened.
They don’t know i have ptsd and I really don’t feel like telling anyone there because i don’t want to deal with the backlash that sometimes can come with.
sometimes i feel like my coworker is being condescending towards me because she picked up on my memory issues and is very extra when she’s showing me stuff “are you *sure* you don’t have questions?”
I just wish I had a better brain that didn’t embarrass me so often and make me feel like i’m not competent enough to work. | ptsd |
Hello! I am a new member here. I am a 20 year old male and I have a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. Since a long time, I have struggled with making and maintaining friendships. I find this world to be a confusing place. In addition, I suffer with social anxiety quite badly as well as a lack of self-esteem and self love.
I currently attend university, studying French and Philosophy, but haven't been able to meet many people due to Covid among other things. One of the only people I did meet was an NT woman, who became my first girlfriend briefly before leaving me due to a lack of tolerance and understanding of my asperger's and my sensory needs etc on her part.
Since then, I have been back at home and feeling more isolated than ever. I haven't met up with any friends, and most people either take days to open my messages and then ghost me. Throughout my life, I have experienced so much bullying, trauma and isolation. It just feels like an endless cycle, as if the solitude will never really end.
Since becoming an adult, I have also felt so pressurised to live up to expectations of getting a good job, living independently, finding a partner in the future, being successful etc.. But I am not sure I can do it. I can't relate to people well at all. And, I am constantly afraid of being judged by them. I just feel alone and trapped in my mind from day to day.
I am posting here because I was just wondering whether anybody could relate to any of this ? I feel just hearing from people with similar experiences would make me feel less lonely in a way. | aspergers |
tw mentions of depression/suicide
fyi i’ve been diagnosed with depression and bpd, i have my own psychiatric and i take my own meds.
i’m feeling so hopeless, there’s no one who wants to listen to me, no one is available nobody is there for me and i can’t help it but feel so alone i’m so fucking tired of this shit.
i always try my best to keep everything and everyone in check but there’s no one who wants to do that for me because i’m so worthless.
i hate myself i hate the way i feel and i hate this life i just wish someone would just hug me and tell me that everything is okay that i’m not crazy or out of my mind and that this is just temporary.
why do i have to always remind myself to endure this just a little but more when my mind is already full of sadness and dark thoughts.
i’m already full of plans to die and all but now i’m also the only one who can help myself?
why does nobody ever ask me if i’m alright and why does nobody have time for me, even one text would make my day
like, wtf if they need me i’m one call away but when i’m at my lowest they need days to reply to me.
why do i have to suffer this much for my whole life?
i’ve seen so many people here who are so kind to their friends that are depressed but i wonder why my friends and family never acted that way, while still knowing that i tried to kill myself recently (after i confessed that to them).
i believe it’s not that hard to search on the internet what can you do for someone at his lowest and what you should never say so why do i have to remind them to do that every single time?
i have so many questions (which can be rational or irrational but honestly i just want to get this out)
i’m sorry if i’ve hurt/triggered someone with my words but i promise it was not my intention
also please correct me if i have written any grammatical mistakes as english is not my first language. | depression |
If you're reading this, thank you. At least someone's here to listen to me. I don't even know where to start. I'm 17, male, and in Grade 12.
I was born premature (7 months), have asthma, I'm not tall and I'm weak physically. I don't know how this has affected me, but I know it's led to everything. I feel insecure because of all of it. Having asthma, I've been the "child that needs more attention and effort". I constantly get told I was an "extremely pampered kid" and everything I do that seems wrong is because "I don't value anything done for me". Even if that is true, how am I supposed to after everything? My parents had never been happy, nor with me or with themselves. They divorced back when I was in Grade 8. Being in India, it's not very common to get divorced. People just "adjust". That made me the center of attention between some of the people that knew. While my parents were still together, I've witnessed violence in all sorts of ways. Emotionally, physically and verbally. I was only 13. It still scares me to this day. I don't blame either of my parents, it wasn't their fault. My dad didn't come home many nights, going to sleep at his mothers place (my grandmother). I understand his point, he used to work all day and couldn't take the stress every night. My dad was depressed. He stopped working for days, months sometimes. We struggled financially. But I had to go to school every single day, pretending everything was okay. I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I was ashamed. They divorced when I was 14. My dad got custody due to financial reasons. I don't say I'm poor. I'm privileged, sure, but does it even matter? Anyways, my dad remarried the next year. Understandable, because working and providing financially while also taking care of my brother and I is difficult. I was against his marriage. I couldn't imagine somebody else taking my mom's place. But I had to understand my dad's situation. If divorce isn't something common here, imagine getting married again. Wow. I couldn't tell anyone about the divorce, how do I explain some other woman with my dad? I told dad not to bring her to school ever. He listened at first, but one day they both showed up. Everyone asked who she was, because they knew my mother (she taught in my school for some months). I had no answer. I avoided their questions. I was in a pretty expensive school, the most expensive in my town. Everyone said I took it for granted. Anyways, my "step mother" has a son. He's 2 years younger than me. I didn't score that well in grade 10. My brother on the other hand, scored very well, and the amount of praise he got I couldn't even start to explain. My parents divorced sometime after that. It affected his Grade 11 and my grade 9. But, nobody cared about my grades. Everyone focused on him because he was older, in a more "important part of his life - grade 11 and 12". I was doing okay. I didn't fail or anything, but I know the motivation I had to do anything. For my grade 10 boards, I barely studied. I don't blame being sad, depressed or whatever. I was just not bothered. I don't know why. Trust me, I tried. Well, I didn't score well and I was moved to a new school. The constant comparison between my brother and it was exhausting. Everyone told me to be more like him, for all 15 years of my life. I was forced to move to a new school, in a different city. Next thing, COVID. School was online. Initially, it was okay and I was doing good. Because of the lockdown, my family was all living together. There were 13 of us living together, in a 3BHK house. My room was taken away, for my relatives. My brothers and I had to live out of another room, with a tiny bed and what not. School was going okay at first, but slowly I started losing myself. 0 completed assignments, missing classes, not responding to teachers, cheating on all test answers because I didn't know anything anymore for months. I felt depressed. All while I was constantly being compared to my brothers who were doing extremely well and our family proud, and I was just sitting there, being "lazy". This wasn't the first time I thought of suicide. I did when my parents divorced, when my dad remarried, during my 10th boards, and again now. But this time was different. This time it felt real. Like I was going to do it, not like other times where I only thought I would. After a month or two, I told my girlfriend. She was extremely supportive and has really helped me. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today. It's been almost a year since I told her, and nothing has changed. Sure I've felt a little better sometimes, but at the end of the day, I want to kill myself more than ever. I regret doing the IB. It is so fucking tough I can't do it anymore. But guess what, my brother did it and so I should be able to too right? I haven't actively done something that would definitely kill me. But, I've developed a habit of liking pain. I've tried to cut, asphyxiate, starve, and treat myself like nothing matters. It helped sometimes, but only for a short period of time, leaving me more miserable than before every single time. A lot of times where I've felt like this, I've told her, and she helped. Recently, I've been thinking whether I did right. I don't mean I don't trust her or shouldn't have told her, I know she's there for me. But I feel like I have put this huge burden on her. A few times, I have told her I'm going to do it. I know I shouldn't have. I scare her constantly with it. Even though she says it's okay she can help, I don't know what to do. A few of the times, when I was venting or telling her I should do it, she's told me she can't listen to me, which is okay. She isn't being ignorant or dismissive. It can be hard listening to someone you care about want to die, and you don't have the mental capacity always. I understand that. But, now I feel like I've made a mistake by burdening her too much. Some months back, I opened up to my dad. I told him I felt suicidal. He was supportive, he said he’s here for me no matter what and everything. But nothing changed, there wasn’t really a point in telling him. But later, it got even worse. I told him I need to talk to someone, some therapist or counselor. He got in contact with a psychology centre or something. The meetings with them started off with tests. I was given tests almost every day. I think this was to find out if I had a learning difficulty and stuff. I went into all of it thinking after that I’ll be able to talk to someone, and get therapy. That’s not what happened. After the tests, my school was just informed to give me a little extra time on my tests, and thats all. Nothing else. I didn’t know what to do. Anyways as I said, I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for her, I don't know what to do. I keep getting intrusive thoughts of running away from home and what not. But, one thing that's really bothering me is her. I don't know how she would take my death. We're so close that I could tell her anything and she wouldn't be judgemental for a second. I hate myself for this, but sometimes I think how it would've been better if we weren't together, and I could kill myself without hesitation. It's wrong I know it. I'm grateful I have her, but I'm scared. I don't know how much longer I can go. I don't want to do this to her. She deserves so much more than me. (btw, she was in the same school with me earlier and moved to the same school with me now). Anyways, a few months back offline school started. I didn't want to go. I didn't know anything in school, so I didn't know what I would do in classes. But it was okay. Being in a new school, I didn't make any friends. I only had her, so I used to spend most of my break time with her and so did she. I made a few friends, but I wouldn't say I could spend time with them. I tend to become quiet with people around, so I just sit during break. She used to sit with me, so we could talk if nobody. Since the past few weeks, it's become worse. These last few days, I've spent less and lesser time with her. She's made friends in school and I haven't. That's okay. I can't stop her from making friends. In fact I'm happy she made new friends. But, I feel more alone than ever. I sit alone during breaks. I don't even feel like getting out of my class anymore. I don't blame her for this, I could never. But I have nobody to talk to, and I just feel like I'm burdening her more and more every time. I've been pretty off the last few days. I've stopped talking much to anybody. Sometimes she thinks I'm mad at her, but I'm really not. I just don't want to burden her anymore. I have never felt this alone. My brother used to give me company at home, but now that I'm in a different place, I have nobody. Today, I walked out of school early, telling my teacher I felt sick, where I just didn't want to feel alone even when with so many people in school. I can't and don't blame anybody. There's so many nights where I just stop talking to everybody, stay up and just exist. I used to cry every single night, but now, I'm unable to shed a single tear sometimes. A few nights back, I had a huge breakdown. I told her and we spoke for a couple hours. I’ve told her I want therapy or something before. So this night, after we spoke a little, she encouraged me to reach out again. I get why she said that, for me to get help and recover. She was only trying to help me. But I’m scared. I don’t feel like getting therapy anymore. I don’t want anything. Nobody can help me. I said no, I don’t know why but I can’t tell my dad about all of this a third time. Since that night, everything feels different. Between us, with me, just everything. Even though I don’t want to be depressed and suicidal, I think I’ve lived with it enough for it to become comforting. I feel like I’d lose myself if I wasn’t depressed. I feel like I wouldn’t be me anymore. I have no explanation for it. I started writing this in school today, because I felt alone, and only to distract myself from everything. I cried on the way back home today. I felt miserable and just so fucking alone. Every day in school, when everyone is talking, I try to distract myself using my phone. I don't engage in conversation. She has friends to talk to in break now, and it's not like I don't want her to spend time with them or talk to them, but I don't know what to do. I don't have her to talk to anymore, and I can't tell her that, it's not fair on her. I've lost myself fully. Please don't tell me you're here if I wanna talk. I know it seems wrong, but I'm tired. I can't burden more people. If I need someone I can talk to, I want it to be someone I know personally. I need someone to be there for me, but I really don't want to burden them. I can't let that someone be online, I need that physical comfort, and I can't explain why. I don't know if this is asking for too much from anyone, it probably is, and I probably won't find that comfort anytime soon but anyways, this is how it is. I'm alone, lost, scared and I don't have words to describe it. I don't have the motivation to write any more, but I think you get the idea. There's a lot I haven't said here, I don't know how to put it into words. I know nobody I know is reading this, but I just wanna say I'm sorry for being myself. If you reached all the way here, I just wanna say thank you for listening. I don't expect you to help me, it's okay. | depression |
Is it only me or does anyone else feel a bit guilty when they are alone when it's night and you are feeling very weird? I feel like I made many mistakes when it is night...
Just tell me someone else feels the same way too! | depression |
with my intrusive thoughts, sometimes they’re just annoying or plain scary or upsetting, but there will be occasional times where the most DISTURBING and vile mental image will flash through my head for a split second and i literally shake my head to get it out or something or my whole thought process stops and i’m like what the FUCK. and my ocd wants me to TELL these to my girlfriend for some reason?? even though she said i never have to tell her my intrusive thoughts
they’re really not you, right? obviously i hate these so much and don’t even know where they come from sometimes and i’ve cried my eyes out over one before. | OCD |
New here- so if I break some sort of "code" I preemptively apologize.
My son is 9, DX w adhd and also an extremely high IQ. (may be irrelevant)
Last week at baseball he hit a friend in the head with his bat pretty hard. He's absolutely ever been violent. He was not mad at all, they were playing. He was just not thinking at all. It seemed like a "what will happen" experiment.
I can not explain how bad we feel. The kid got a concussion. My son feels awful of course but.. I can not wrap my head around why he would do this. He did get kicked off the team, so the punishment matches the crime and he's been very remorseful since.
Has anyone else done something so careless and hurt someone? How do you explain it to people? How can we as parents help? Any insight or advise is helpful. | ADHD |
Whenever anyone shows me work they've done, big projects they're doing, or even just seeing them doing something they're interested in... I get these twangs of jealousy or envy?
I guess its just being able to see someone put so much effort and focus into something. Makes it feel kind of hard to just, not either gawk at it or secretly feel green.
Anyone else deal with this? It kinda makes me worry about how I act. | ADHD |
I’m just filling out a form for a new job and need to give details for emergency contact.
I don’t have anyone here and the only person I can think of is my mother who lives abroad.
This is making me a bit sad and embarrassed and not even sure if it’s fine to put her details in this form? | aspergers |
Does anyone here work on a railroad and have adhd? I've already worked for a couple years now and I now suspect that I have adhd. But I am afraid of losing my job since it is a 'safety critical position'. It make me not want to get diagnosed because I don't want to lose my livelihood.
Anyone else work on a railroad and made it with adhd? | ADHD |
My boyfriend's vivid imagination ruins some things for me, for example: he called that sexy hair line under the belly button "a path to a weener". I think it's silly and hilarious. I always get jokingly mad at him but have to censor my jokes because of my OCD.
So instead of saying "oh you butthole!! I'm gonna kill you" or "some day you won't wake up" which is obviously a joke and makes him laugh (OCD wasn't always tormenting me over this), I have to say "I'll kick your butt" or something like that because "what if I'll actually kill him in his sleep" like I'll just wake up one day and start suffocating him against my will.. | OCD |
i cant take anymore im not fighting it any longer im becoming it. | OCD |
I was diagnosed with TS a few years ago. Given the link between the two and the symptoms I display, I believe I probably have some level of OCD. It is an irritation and source of stress but it's not nearly as bad as many of the cases I've heard about on here.
My parents accept that I have some issues, but they believe it is best to downplay it and leave it undiagnosed to keep my mind off of it. Currently my problems don't warrant therapy or medication , so they believe a diagnosis would be more harm than help.
Does this make any sense? Neither of them have any medical experience, but I understand what they're thinking.
(In some ways, I think it might be somewhat relieving to see a doctor and get an official diagnosis, so I can accept my problem and stop doing so much research.) | OCD |
BACKGROUND I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school and took concerta and adderall until I graduated college. So I took meds, on and off, for about 8 years.
After graduation though, I decided to live a life unmedicated, which was sporadic, sometimes destructive, but always genuine. It’s hard for me to regret either phase of my life.
Fast forward 6 years and I notice that my work performance is…not the best. I job hopped a lot and in each workplace my boss would get on my case about my productivity and accuracy. Not just them, I knew I was doing inadequate work. Despite my best efforts (and I truly mean best), I would submit work with mistakes, I would be late to meetings, and I would get overwhelmed when the workload was too much. In my personal life, I would just be in a fog a lot of the time. Sometimes I would get these amazing moments of clarify but the fog would always overtake me.
I knew I had to do something about it.
I visited a psychiatrist and he was pretty much like “yup I could do more testing but I’m pretty sure you have ADHD,” so he prescribed me 18 mg of concerta which most of you may know is the lowest dosage.
FIRST DAY I take it at about 9:45 am. Working from home. 30 minutes later, I feel the effects. The fog is lifted. I’m able to think clearly, check my mistakes, I breeze through work. Not only that but my anxiety is down. I’m able to handle the pressure better. I’m more confident. From a productivity angle, this medicine has been an absolute paradigm shift.
But the side effects… well about two hours in I noticed my heart beating fast, pressure in my chest, shortness of breath. This honestly freaked me out. But I figured my body would adjust to it over time, and that I would talk to my doctor about it in about two weeks during our next appointment.
Then after work I went to the gym and took a shower and man, I noticed that I was losing hair like crazy. Usually I would notice a few strands of hair in the shower, but I easily saw like 30-40. Then I remembered that hair loss is a side effect and I connected the two. I thought about being in college and losing my hair then and freaking out about it. It was the adhd meds.
I could eat just fine though.
CONCLUSION Anyway it was kind of a rollercoaster of a day. Not emotionally as the meds make me feel more stable in that regard but yeah…I might quit them again | ADHD |
Hi so i have a question. So i don’t wanna be ignorant and say i have ADHD just because i have these symptoms but i think i have a few. (i’m not self diagnosing btw) but does anyone else have trouble finishing tasks because they get super repetitive and u just cant finish doing it, for an example cleaning my room. I’ll clean halfway and i just can’t continue i always thought this was just laziness but it’s mentally unbearable like i just can’t focus or something’s stopping me from continuing. Or for an example if i’m scrolling through tik tok i can barely watch a 1 minute video because it bores the shit out of me and sometimes i just leave the app and go on something else like netflix and the next thing u know it i get bored after like 5 minutes and i feel like i have to do something else like scroll through youtube then it’s just a endless cycle. Does anyone relate to this | ADHD |
I may be exaggerating with this, but I have been having an invasive thought for the last week that annoys me a lot to the point that I feel drained trying to push it off. It is a very bizzare, abstract, sudden thought of a train breaking where the rails are my teeth (?) and there are also sparks from the friction. I don't even know how to explain it and it sounds very irrational but the more I try to eliminate it the more my brain is playing games with me. The worst part of this thought is that it comes along with a squealing sound that sends a shiver down my spine. Feeling the shiver annoys me and distracts me from whatever I am doing.
I can admit that besides that I never had anything to make me worry enough about having OCD, but this one scares me even if it probably sounds mild.
Anyone able to shed some light as to what is going on? Should I see a therapist? | OCD |
Hi all, 22F here!
Has anyone been diagnosed and not had medication work/realised it was a misdiagnosis?
(Reuploaded without my whole life story, my bad)
I recently sought an opinion/diagnosis for ADHD after speculating it may be the root of my issues and for struggling for so long academically and in my relationships.
My executive dysfunction finally saw me seek help and after 2 short sessions with a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD primarily inattentive and commenced on Ritalin 10mg once daily.
So far after 5 days have noticed no effect - positive or negative. I tried taking 20mg today and I felt elevated but no increased focus or 'clarity' as people describe. Yesterday I was able to take a nap a while after taking my 10mg dose.
I am now questioning if I have convinced myself I have ADHD for so long only to have been misdiagnosed :(
I'd love to hear any experiences or advice. I was diagnosed in 1.5 sessions which further makes feel like a fraud.
Thank you for reading <3 | ADHD |
I’m 25 now and in some ways life has been better with the knowledge of this diagnosis, but in some ways it’s made things worse, at least psychologically. I am high functioning and unless you had a good understanding of ASD you’d probably just think that I’m “weird” in various ways. In some ways that’s hard because when it does negatively affect how I go through situations, most people don’t understand that I am struggling with a “disability.” They just see a “normal” person acting “off.”
Growing up I just thought my mind was broken in some way. I felt like I had more difficulties with things than others around me but couldn’t figure out what or why. Now that I know, part of me feels better understood, and like I can navigate through things more preparedly. However, part of me feels completely defined by this “disability.”
I am a freelance artist, I give guitar/bass/ukulele lessons for a living, in addition to various audio engineering services like mixing/mastering songs for other people, production work, and my own musical projects. I think I am good at what I do, I think most of my students like me, I have some close friends, I live with my girlfriend (two year anniversary is on 4/20!), overall I’m very happy with where I am at in life and how far I’ve come.
I guess the point of this post is just, will I ever stop thinking about things in terms of “oh yeah that’s right, i’m autistic”? How old were you when you were diagnosed? How has it affected your mental state in general? Any advice for me? | aspergers |
Hey, this is my first question here- what's your experience/understanding of ADHD and daily chores? I've been medicated for a few months and recently added 20mg SR Rubifen on top of my 2 IR Rubifen tablets I take. Since then I've been consistently doing stuff like vacuuming, cleaning the dishes, laundry, cleaning my car, closet- self care routines, able to shop for groceries and fill my car with oli etc. I've always suffered with what people used to call no motivation or interest in life and I'm wondering if this is the meds at work and what would happen when going off meds- such as for a weekend for example.
PS- meds do help with my study but the day to day stuff is what I'm most happy about and some people have suggested to not take meds in university holidays and don't seem to believe me when I say that I can't do the "normal" stuff without them and this is making me think maybe it's a placebo- it doesn't help when your dad is doctor who doesn't think my adhd is real. | ADHD |
I am 20 years old, the last four years of my life have been drastically changed in a way thats been even more traumatizing because of CPS involvement, a foster sister, and now her baby. My mom immediately chose to adopt him after my foster sister abandoned him.
Before this my mom and I used to have a a really close relationship. I used to not be miserable, since the baby was born all i want to do is end my life. I cry and cry and cry about what once was, what it was supposed to be. I cry every day for hours at a time some days, i cry at work, with friends, while doing hobbies. I cry when im next to mh mom or near the baby. Ive told her over and over that i think our relationships broken beyond repair, that i cant get over this.
My mom is disabled and lives on 800$-900$ a month income, has trouble feediing herself on somedays, amd accidentally neglected me often due to multiple sclerosis and bipolar disorder and severe depression. She is now taking care of this infant and saying she will be able to do it. She couldnt even care for me properly when she was healthier. I wanted to spend my teens with her, my foster sisters court cases, constant need for attention,negging stripped all that away.
My mom kept saying that it would end soon, it never did, with the baby it never will. I just want my mom so so so so bad. I just cant do this anymore. I am too autistic to live with children and babies and had to move out of my own home. I miss her so much. It hurts so bad. There is a hole in my heart that wont go away. I cant cope with this, we were supposed to live together for a while until i was 25 at least, we were going to travel, go places to eat. We cant do anything anymore. I cant do this.
Id do anything in the world to go back to when inwas a child, it wasnt good then but i still had her. Me and her were always so close. I have broken heart symdrome because of this and was fainting because of the pain at one poijnt. The only thing that helps is drinking. I drink from the bottle and smoke an insane amount of weed to just get me through the day without killing myself.
I dont feel much of anything towards life that makes me want to push forward. Everything i dreamt of has been destroyed by this, my disability, the pandemic. It all at once. Its just awful. I wake up everyday ready to go back to bed or just cry. I stay alive because i have responsibilities to my boyfriend, cats, an friends. My depressions been to bad to feel anything positive about the future, i am doing my best but i cant anymore. The reposnsibility of a relationshiop, friendships, and upkeeping an apartments too much. This was the last straw. I just cant.
I was in therapy and the therapist reported me being raped as a kid to CPS. I am too scared to go back. Depression medication makes me worse off. I want to die so i can just pretend i am in my moms arms again. Even jf heaven isnt real i wont be going through this pain anymore. | depression |
Ok so, to be quick, i'm going through a period where i get really anxious over not so big of a deal kibd of things regarding my studies (like in education, i'm 18 btw), by that i mean that with effort i know it could probably easily be solved. However, i don't have all that strenght right now so for the moment, i just eat it. And given its pretty recent, well its hard to see it coming and know what to do.
So to add to all this, i'm the kind of aspie that just bottles up emotions they don't face regularly like those to expell them in a semi healthy way through something else later, but since i can't do that cuz i don't have time, it just stacks. And i'm really bad at noticing those things and managig stress because i had the luck until then to live in a frame where those things where limited.
And Recently, i was watching youtube videos on some heavy topics not closely related to what i live (just sad things in comon) and just thinking about somehting elsd And out of nowhere i started to loose composure and cry and i asked myself "Why am i crying ?"
I just couldn't stop from feeling worse and worse and balance back and forth, it stopped quickly cause i really train to regain control, not wanting to be confronted right away about this by my parents.
Earlier this day i also remarked that i was particularly upset by the fact my phone was low on batterie and so i couldn't listen to music for the whole hour and a half of my route. And so i started to rub my hands, i never did that before ! (lol... kinda)
And so my question is, since i never felt what i would call a real real meltdown or really overwhelmed, is this kind of what it looks like ?
Sorry for the disorganized thoughts, thanks for reading | aspergers |
He says because it doesn’t affect your everyday life and I don’t have nightmares. For me idk what it is then. Like something that triggers me (sometimes It’s not even clear to me) brings me right back into that extreme fear/panic during the trauma. Like I’ve been bullied and if someone makes me feel inferior it can trigger a fulllll ass meltdown panic hyperventilating. Or when I’m driving and someone is on my ass of being aggressive it brings me back to when I got in a car accident. Sometimes it triggers me so much if I can’t escape the situation I turn into fight mode which is dangerous because it involves vehicles. I’m on a better medication regimen now so it’s helping but yea Idk. I guess it makes me feel like it minimizes what I go through. Maybe not complete textbook ptsd but definitely a version of it. Another trigger is my grasshopper phobia. I do avoid a lot because of these events and things. But yea idk I guess I just don’t feel too validated. Thanks for reading my mind word vomit lol | ptsd |
I went through something extremely traumatic this year that shook me hard and pushed me to the limit emotionally, physically, and intellectually. I had multiple breakdowns, but could not stop because what I was doing was simply too important.
I was let down by everyone and every institution we are supposed to rely on.
It’s not over, but the worst is behind me. I just feel empty. No joy. Poor sleep. I think about suicide, but not because I’d follow through. I just do.
Prior to this I was living the life. I’m a smashing success on paper.
I feel like therapy could possibly help, but the fact is it won’t change the things that are wrong. I could see an antidepressant helping lift the clouds, but again they won’t solve the problems.
I just feel lost.
For context the short version of what happened is that I found out the government was involved in an enormous environmental crime where I live in which people got sick and died. Then the resulting lawsuit ended up being a huge fraud. I uncovered it all and the government stonewalled me at every level. There is MUCH more to the story, but that is the gist of it. | depression |
I’ve been struggling with OCD for about ten years. I always tried to figure out how to get to a state where it’s over, perfect, a life without worries. It cost me ten years to realize, the only way out is through. Anything else is sabotaging yourself. Thoughts telling you that you are a monster. That you might have done something horrible. Take it for granted. Feel the pain, let it linger until it dissolves by itself. Cause that’s what eventually will happen. Weeks later you will look back and tell yourself: I’m still alive. Those around me are still alive. It’s okay.
It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I’m on an 8-week-streak now. Not ignoring my thoughts or habits, but feeling the pain until it goes away by itself. And since I’m a fan of stoicism (which I recommend everyone suffering from OCD), I’d like to share my personal quote – hopefully it can bring some change in your lives, too:
„Life gets worth living again, soon as you realize you are not satisfied with your unhappiness. And so you get the chance to be rather happy with your unsatisfactory, instead.“ | OCD |
I’ve been working really hard so I can heal. For the past few months, I felt like I was achieving it.
Today I got really mad cause I saw something that reminded me of my trauma and the fucking piece of shit that helped creating it.
I don’t want to be angry again. How do you guys work through relapses? | ptsd |
Hello! It's been so nice reading all of these posts, they are oh so relatable. I was diagnosed a few months ago as a 26 year old woman. I think my parents always knew I had it but I supposedly refused to acknowledge I had it apparently when I was younger (don't remember that, lol).
I recently tried buprorion for my adhd, as it's more recently being used for that in adults (even though it's originally an anti-anxiety/depressent). I felt GREAT on it- could focus, my mind wasn't going 3,000 mph, and I feel like I had impulse control. But here's the problem: I became *really* anxious on the meds. Not even mentally, more like it manifested itself in my body through the physical symptoms of anxiety (yawning a lot, not being able to finish a yawn for literally weeks, tightness in whole body). The doc said that it would go away after a few weeks or months, but does anyone have experience with this one? Did the anxiety symptoms go away?
Another thing - I'm finally coming to terms with my eating disorder - BED (binge eating disorder). Does anyone have any advice on dealing with the two at the same time? Did adhd medication help a good amount? I realize that medication is a *part* of a whole solution, but what experience did you have with medication in terms of BED+adhd.
Happy to be here :) | ADHD |
Long story short, my husband is a combat vet (we met in the service so I get some of the issues but not to the same extent by any means). He won’t go to the VA for his PTSD, and I don’t know how to convince him that it would be good for him to. When he first came home, he used to shake me a lot in the night and that was scary, but I know he wasn’t trying to scare me. I have been so patient with all of the issues he has been having because I didn’t make it out of my service period completely unscathed either. He has made a lot of progress, but he still has so much trouble at night. He reaches for my hands while he’s sleeping instead of shaking me so I can say that’s probably the most personally affecting process he has. I just want to be able to support and help him, but I’m not a professional. The little help I can provide isn’t necessarily going to make the changes that help him sleep at night. Any suggestions of places to have him reach out to or reasons that I could get him to talk to the Va would be so helpful. I worry about him a lot. | ptsd |
The anxiety of traveling causes a panic attack from start to finish. | aspergers |
Anyone ever have simple things go right or a few good days and feel guilty. Than feel it's only a matter of time before something bad happens ? Is this ocd I hate it . | OCD |
What are your TV and/or film loves (fixations)?
I have just finished the final episode of Parks and Recreation and can't wait to start it again. I have watched a couple of episodes a day since it finished airing in 2015 and always watch it in chronological order. I get so excited when Ben Wyatt and Chris Traeger cause the show really finds its rythmn.
In all the strangeness of the world I love coming back to this show. | aspergers |
I’m finding my impulsiveness and lack of self control is getting the best of me. I’ll distract myself with something (eg social media) and say ‘I won’t be long this time’ and then an hour or two later I might realise I’m hyperfocusing on it and completely not thinking logically about how much I want to just get on with other things.
I’m getting quite concerned because I feel like I’m in a state of mind where every day I ‘need’ to be in a unhealthy state of hyperfocus, as if I’m addicted but I want to snap out of it. I can’t tell if going cold turkey for a bit and really restricting myself would be effective or if I should instead maybe manage my use with timers. What works for you? Also I have heard of dopamine detox but idk how that would work with someone with ADHD. Any thoughts?
(Btw I am medicated but this seems to happen on days I don’t get much sleep or once the medication is wearing off. And I will bring this up with a therapist if this continues too much longer) | ADHD |
I might be the most stupid man I know.. I'm sorry, it'll be a long story.
The first thing I remember being related to this would be when I was 11. I ended up with a picture of an 18yo corpse, in midst of the most disgusting putrefaction. I'd never dared to imagine that was what was coming to me when I'll end up dead. Of course, you can imagine it traumatized me. I couldn't sleep for weeks, I was terrified of the dark and this picture haunted me, forced itself into my mind and I saw it literally everywhere.
It sounds stupid. I know. It gets worse.
I developed, what I understood way later, something called as necrophobia. I realized it when my mother died 2 years ago. I barely mourned her, or maybe I did but in a really quiet and subtle way I still do not understand. I couldn't show up to her burying. It was definitely impossible. I just said goodbye to her while she was getting medicated and ran off when they decided to euthanize her. I couldn't get to see her for the last time as something that terrifies me. I just couldn't. I can't describe it. There was no way.
Yet.. something did change. I changed.. a bit. I developed a close relationship to death. Not in a way that makes me want to join her. But a sense of morbidity and nihilism I did not know I had.
It developed further as I wanted to confront myself. To make these flashes stop. Just like I did when I was terrified of bees. I decided to confront my fears, to watch death in front of my very eyes. To rationalize it. To be, let's say.. desensitized.
This was the poorest choice of my life. I ended up watching dozens and dozens of pictures, videos. I saw dead people. I saw dying people. Various ways. Horrendous ways. I really don't want to tell what I saw. I'm not made for this. I've never been made for this. Now I'm back to being 11. But 10x worse. I have regular flashbacks of these, each time I turn the lights off. Each time I see a violent clip in a movie or a strange music plays on. It's been months, and it stained me. It damaged me. I can't stop thinking about my mother now. What she endured. What she felt. My stomach tightens whenever it crosses my mind. I fear I might have developed PTSD.. or I maybe I dug an old one up. I feel totally lost. And it hurts so much. I feel like I brought this on myself.
TLDR : I'm weak and stupid. Never watch these. It can destroy a man. | ptsd |
Hi all. How many of you experience psychosis along with your PTSD symptoms? I’ve read a few articles about it happening, but I don’t know anyone else who it’s happened to. Personally I experience delusions related to my trauma | ptsd |
Ever since I started stimulants (was taking adderall, it gave me a headache so now Ritalin) I’ve had STRONG cravings for only one type of food. I’ve ordered oxtails over 6 times the past two weeks. Is it normal?! It’s like what’s the thought is in my head, I have to get it and when I eat it, it taste like something I’ve never had in my life. I wish I was being dramatic but I am so serious | ADHD |
I had today planned out. It was going to be a *good* day. Gym, supermarket, then onto other stuff. Maybe I’ll even be slightly happy. Finished at the supermarket and thought I’ll use the automated car wash. Now i usually wash the car myself, but I was a little bit lazy, and it was pretty dirty and I was there so…
Anyway, rear wiper blade and wiper arm torn off by car wash. I had a complete meltdown, ranting at the staff, my day utterly ruined and I feel like shit after cancelling the rest of my day and sleeping instead. Having now inspected it I can sort it out -the arm and wiper can be replaced reasonably easily for not too much money.
Disruptions like this though completely break me. I just cannot cope with the interruption to what I had visioned. I get incredibly depressed and I’m like ‘WHY ME?’, ‘THE NEXT 1000 CARS WILL COME THROUGH JUST FINE!’ It really upsets me and throws me back to my autistic default programming if there’s any variation to what should happen if that makes sense.
Anyone else like this? Have any ways of coping with unexpected problems? Thanks. | aspergers |
I work for a private ambulance company and primarily do non-911 stuff (mainly because I know I would have a hard time accepting a patient dying, and do not plan to stay in the career for more than another year or two). A little under a year ago, my partner and I rolled up on (like right across the road, the driver in front of us slammed on her breaks after seeing it) a bicyclist w/o a helmet getting hit by a car and going under it. I've had still alarms/uncalled emergencies before, but never like that or since then. Thinking about it is making my palms sweaty. During the whole thing my dispatch was trying to radio me and my partner to leave FD (our county doesn't allow BLS to do 911 so it would have been the FD paramedic's pt, but we were first on scene) and go pick up grandpa from the hospital and bring him back to his nursing home. I felt stupid telling anyone about it afterwards since a lot of them are 911 old timers and see worse stuff all the time. I have been told that HR has leaked when people have used EAP before, and regardless of if HR leaking EAP is true, this person was treated poorly for seeking help.
Since then, I have had nightmares of people going under vehicles in accidents and get nervous when I see pedestrians and bicyclists at intersections. I used to get distracted while driving w/ of visions of the scene when we were delivering treatment, but it has gone down considerably. I have had another bicyclist getting hit by a vehicle since then that was much less horrible and I was able to do my job, but afterwards I had a hard time pulling myself away from the first call mentally.
I guess what I want to know is if it gets any better? Are there any tools that have worked for you to reduce the anxiety and invasive thoughts? I felt like things were improving with time but now I feel just as bad as I did at the start of the year. I'm not suicidal or abusing substances, I just want to be able to drive down the road and not have a heart attack every time I see someone jaywalking or be able to take a test after seeing a fenderbender and not flunking it. | ptsd |
I'm interested in become a preschool teacher and I'd love some resources for how to best help young children with ADHD. I'm actively looking (but would also love recommendations) for books, pamphlets, podcasts, web articles, etc.
I want to maximize their learning experience and also make sure they're leaving preschool with positive memories and not negative notions about what school is and what teachers do.
I want all of my students to be able to work together from activity to activity and make my class feel like a community of learners with no outsiders.
Also your personal recommendations would be great! Anecdotes of good and bad experiences in school, DOs and DON'Ts, etc. Thanks in advance! | ADHD |
So the universe truly can have a sense of humor sometimes. So through college I have been a bartender, started at 18 (the age in my state you can legally serve alcohol) and started working events. Mainly weddings and stuff. It was so busy and hectic that I almost never had to speak more than 6 words to anyone attending the events. Typically just “what would you like to drink?” Then boom, jack and coke hits the table and they are off. Well about a year ago they bumped me up to the “main bar” which is the fine dining bar which I really didn’t like the idea of because I know myself to be pretty awkward with chit chat. Well after months of struggling to be the charismatic bartender that most people assume bartenders are I realized that I’m actually reallyyyy bad with chit chat and became incredibly stressed and on edge both on the job and at home. Well, I started getting sharp chest pains and my wife pretty much forced me to see a doc. After all my tests came back inconclusive my doc pushed me to a therapist for stress coping. Turns out I am very much on the spectrum but my diagnosis of ADHD as a child sort of masked any ADS symptoms. It’s crazy because I never knew why I spend so much time with my foot in my mouth when I’m bartending, literally dreading trying to talk to random guests and trying to jump through social hoops. Now I know, I am a bartender with aspergers... still hate my job but now I know I need to find a new job because it probably won’t get better with time like Initially thought! So does anyone want to stop by the bar I work at and have incredibly awkward conversations with a bartender who looks like they are about to crawl out of their skin? Cus I got you covered! | aspergers |
No matter how hard I try, I end up giving into compulsions. I just can’t take the anxiety, and I HAVE to figure these thoughts out; I don’t like the idea of possibly being a bad person (although to be fair, who the fuck does?).
Anyone have tips on not giving into compulsions/rumination? Thanks in advance! | OCD |
Hello my fellow ocd sufferers
I have a question, okay so... I know ADHD patients and autistic people are neuroatypical, but are OCD patients also neuroatypical?
I tweeted something about us being neuroatypical and this girl got really angry with me and said we're just psychoatypical. I'm not really familiar with those terms. This situation made me feel very sad and embarrassed :(
Also, are we neurodivergents? | OCD |
I always thought of depression as feeling gloomy and morose, but I think I was mistaking it all with melancholic depression.
I've realised that I feel pretty flat all the time - not down per se, but certainly I struggle to maintain any positive moods.
It's a sort of lifeless feeling, as though you know you should should be feeling happy or sad in your particular circumstance, yet you don't really feel anything.
I can even have days where I'm feeling fairly good - but my mood still can't be altered and so I end up feeling flat.
Can anyone relate to that? | depression |
I made the mistake of browsing the deepweb and seeing sick depraved shit I reported to the missing and abused child foundation not that they may do much because I cannot unfortunately directly report anything to the fbi. I fucking hate humans dude. Sometimes I think our species needs to be eradicated. | depression |
So I’m sorry if this is something small and stupid for this thread, but I am just so tired of not being able to meet someone who wants me in their life. I’m a 26 female, I’m pretty content with myself, I have loads of friends and an amazing family. I like my own company but I just feel so so lonely, most of my friends have found their so and I am too embarrassed to say that I only had one relationship 6 years ago, after that it’s been people that casually dated me but never wanted more. People that I meet and start to like, usually just want to sleep with me, it’s heartbreaking because that’s not what I want. I just feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me, maybe I am a weirdo, or maybe I am just too ugly for love. I’ve been feeling pretty bad about it because no matter how good I do in life, it’s this part that makes everything useless and like all my achievements are worthless, this made me start to give up on things and I feel like I don’t want to do anything (work and study), I’m demotivated because what’s the point if I fail at simple human relationships. I just want to celebrate life with someone, I want to give love and be loved, I just feel like I’m going to die alone. Anyway, I just wanted to rant. | depression |
Hi guys. I’m new to this sub and I’m just really looking for some support. I suffer from all kinds of intrusive and obsessive thoughts (sorry I don’t have more specific terminology to convey this, I am diagnosed with OCD but nobody’s really talked about it extensively with me.) Sometimes I have thoughts that upset me so badly that I feel like I can’t do anything until it subsides. I haven’t done anything in two days because of my most recent thought. I can’t stop obsessing over it. I feel completely helpless and alone and like a terrible person and it never stops. My medication isn’t helping and I plan to talk to my doctor about it, but for now I just thought I’d ask someone here for support. (I do see a therapist weekly, but the thoughts have gotten so bad that it doesn’t help as much.)
My thoughts have gotten extremely bad, to the point where I’m pretty much experiencing them at least every five minutes every day. A lot of times, when there’s something really important to me that I want to enjoy, my thoughts ruin that for me. I feel this sinking feeling of despair that I can’t do anything I want to do and just all this anxiety that I won’t be able to enjoy it. I’ve tried to power through but it’s too difficult and doesn’t work a lot of times.
I recently got a new set of books because I love reading, but I’ve only been able to read a small amount of it because I had so much anxiety around even picking it up + this most recent thought makes me feel like it’s almost impossible to read and enjoy this book, or almost like I don’t deserve to.
I’m so sorry this is so long, I just really wanted to see if anyone has experienced something similar and might have suggestions on how to get past this particular thought for now and work on reading my books. | OCD |
I’ll just throw a **trigger warning** here, I’m going to talk about an animal in distress and there will be death involved.
My pet was very sick, injured himself, and died horribly in my arms. I watched him suffer and panic in extreme pain and distress until he finally died. It didn’t take long, but it felt like hours for me, and I’m sure it did for him too.
This sounds lame compared to all the much more awful things people go through, but I’ve been having these episodes where I’ll just freeze in place and my mind will play back the entire incident from beginning to end. Everything just stands still and my brain shows me all those images again and it is so upsetting. I don’t know if this is PTSD, I haven’t really brought it up with my therapist because I go long periods where it won’t happen. But will it ever stop? | ptsd |
I have my first appointment for the adult autism service on Wednesday. I'm so nervous. I've waited 2 years on the waiting list and I'm worried they will just laugh at me. Can anyone let me know what kind of questions they ask? | aspergers |
The other day, I was on a video call to my sister, talking about my day. I'm 29F, and have recently thrown myself back into music studies after working for 5 years. This particular day, I had, as always been struggling with getting my homework done, and had decided to make myself a coffee. So I go into the kitchen, prépare and start the machine, then notice the washing up needs doing. Except, my sponge is gross. So I dive into the cupboard under the sink. Next thing I know, its been 20 minutes and my cupboard is completely rearranged. So I show my sister the tidy cupboard, and she becomes a bit quiet before saying that this happens a lot to me and that it *could* be a sign of adhd, which I laughed off.
She then started pointing out other things :
- How I don't like plan changes (who does?)
-How I'm constantly fidgeting (I cannot tell you the amount of times my leg or hand has been slapped by an irate family or friend member. When watching films with my best friend, she covers part of her face so as not to see my rotating foot)
-My "zoning out" in conversations, excessive daydreaming as a teenager in class that drove teachers mad.
-Impulsivity (I may have bought a dog on a whim 6 years ago. He is awesome. Also just upping and leaving for a few days every now and then. Or going back to music studies which wasn't planned at all.)
-Interrupting people : this came as a shock to me. I was in disbelief and thought she was exaggerating until yesterday I noticed I interrupted one person 3 times in an hour, and another on the phone at least 2 or 3 times as well. How has no one pointed this out to me? Its just rude on my part.
-I have bad problems with eating. 2 years ago I decided to lose weight and thats literally all I focused on. I lost just over 30kg, then...stopped. I need to lose 10 more but my eating is terrible, and a year later I can't for the life of me find this focus again.
-distraction. I do get easily distracted, its true. I will start something then 30 minutes later am doing something completely unplanned.
- this is an odd one that I have a hard time buying, but sure : If I have a lesson/appointement/plans at a specific time, I can't get anything done beforehand as I'm waiting for this moment. I mean I walk the dogs, but being productive? Its extremely difficult for me. Like today, my lesson is at 12h15, I leave at 11h45 on my bike so despite getting up at 7h30, I've done barely anything all morning except a bit of rythme work.
But whilst these *could* be signs, I think thats just me. Yes I can be a bit forgetful which has got worse since living alone (lived with my sister for 5 1/2 years until july) but the other things? Well, if I'm into something, I'm focused as all hell. As a kid I would be reading 500-600 page books in a day, and still do that. If I am doing homework, music, whatever, if I really get into it then nothing will distract me for love nor money. Whereas if it were adhd, then I would be constantly distracted no? Also I am on time. I manage my freetime badly, but if I have to be a place at a time, I will be there on the dot.
Anyway she thinks I should get tested which is not easy in our country and I'm not sure if I want to go through the whole thing. I mean, if my lack of organisation, time management issues and severe procrastination are due to something other than me just being a lazy scatterbrained slob that could be fixed then I think I would be more eager. But I'm not convinced. She is worried that since living alone again (which I did for 5 years before we moved in together) these traits are becoming worse. Except as far as I know, adhd can't suddenly surface at 29.
Can I reassure her that I'm fine, that yeah I sometimes frustrate myself (ok, often) but that it isn't necessarily adhd? I was hoping someone could find some holes in her reasonings and arguments as I don't want to be one of those fake disorder people who pin all of their problems on something that doesn't exist for them, therefore making it harder on those who genuinely do have the disorder.
I also apologise if I seem offensive in anyway whatsoever. I've read up on it a bit recently but my knowledge is limited. I also apologise for the long text, I have a bad habit of waffling/rambling on a bit. Thank you for reading! | ADHD |
I was carjacked at gunpoint about 3 years ago. And at times I have panic attacks where I’m just waiting for the gun to go off | ptsd |
This is the first time I’ve ever posted anything on Reddit so please forgive any faux pas I may make. The stories I have read on here have really inspired me to share my recent epiphany in my own PTSD journey.
Trauma is both a universal and highly individualized experience. I find it hard to explain to people exactly what makes PTSD different than normal stress and anxieties. After thinking about my own life I realized that trauma is like plaque on the connections between your body and your mind. Each experience that leaves its mark on you just adds another layer to this plaque.
For me that plaque started building up when I was 8. I’m a 30 years old white male from a rural part of Kentucky which really just means that I grew up in a time and place where people were way more trusting with their children. It wasn’t strange at all in the country to let your kids run around the neighborhood all day and not seen them till dinner time that night.
For me that time was spent up the street with my best friend (same age as me) and his older brother (14 or 15). Their single mother worked the late shift at Walmart so we were essentially alone from the time we got off school until she got home late that night. Without going into all the details, I’ll just say the older brother was secretly gay in a small town in the Bible Belt and decided to take out his sexual frustrations and confusions on his brother and me. He grew to like the power he had over us so he proceeded to sexually and psychologically torture us almost daily over a 2-3 year period. This only ended when his mother found a hollowed out space in his wall filled with gay porn and sex toys. She couldn’t accept his sexuality so she kicked him out and he went to live with someone else.
I have to say that I have empathy for the man who tortured me because of how hard it is to be different where I’m from. This doesn’t excuse him in any way but I have always been a person who thinks about a situation from all possible perspectives. This delayed my seeking treatment because I felt that empathy and there was also some part of me that enjoyed some of the sexual aspects of those situations. I felt that if any part of me enjoyed it ever then I wasn’t allowed to be a victim of rape. I of course know now that it’s completely normal for victims of rape in certain situations to have positive physical responses to those situations which just furthers deepens the trauma in my opinion.
That initial experience caused a rift to occur between my mind and my body. That was the first time I learned to dissociate and that became my response to life going forward. Unfortunately I was in for a long line of continuing trauma both forced and self inflicted.
My mom raised my brother and I alone until she married my stepdad who failed to mention had a crippling porn addiction. He had porn all over our house and I started to discover those magazines and printed erotic literature during the same time that I was being raped daily. The images I looked at in a detached manner just further widened the dissociative gap inside me. That’s when my emotions started to dull and I began eating as a coping mechanism. By the time I started high school I was severely overweight and had kept myself isolated during that time. I made a great group of friends in high school who made those years enjoyable and I’ll be forever grateful to them.
Trauma seemed to follow me everywhere I went though. I would spend summers and holidays with my biological dad who lived in a separate city hours away from my home town. He is a severe alcoholic and was not only verbally and emotionally abusive but also extremely emotionally manipulative. He would get home from work at the time kids should be getting ready for bed but my dad has never had friends so he would get wasted and keep me up all night unloading all of his own drunken traumas and very adult personal issues on my child mind. That combined with the rape and living with a mentally ill mother with chronic epilepsy meant I had to grow up fast. One of the last forced traumas of my childhood was when I got my first job when I was 16. It was at long John silvers and I had a middle aged female manager. She took a liking to me and spent her time grooming me by making sure we always worked together, bought me gifts, and paid a lot of attention to me. It wasn’t long though before she started isolating me in the freezer or making sure we closed the store alone and she would molest me. I reacted by dissociating and not fighting back. I would just stand there paralyzed as she would pin me against the wall and force herself against me and touch me.
I ended up waiting till she was in the restroom one night and I took off my uniform and walked out of that job and never went back. I never told anyone about that or the rapes years earlier until I tried killing my self my senior year. I took 55 high dose seroquel and most everything else in the medicine cabinet I could get my hands on. I had a moment of clarity afterwards and decided I wanted to live but I had waited too long to say anything and avoid damage. By the time the ambulance got me to the hospital I had slipped into a coma and stayed that way for 3 days. I woke up and the really fucked up thing is that our insurance wouldn’t even cover any follow up mental health visits. I just went home and tried to move on.
I realize that I just wrote a whole lot so I’m going to condense the adulthood stuff. I didn’t have sex till 19 because I was pretty much asexual during my teenage years (and would struggle with periods of it the next 10 years). I married that girl and we spent the next 5 years together. By the time I was 23 I weighed 450 pounds so I ended up getting gastric bypass surgery. I had complications which activated latent autoimmune conditions inside me. My immune system started attacking my GI system and my skin and a series of internal bleeding ulcers threatened to kill me multiple times over the next two years as doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. Between losing all the weight and developing new lifelong illnesses my wife and I decided to divorce. 22 blood transfusions and 2 years after my surgery they finally figured out why I was constantly losing blood.
After stabilizing my health somewhat (and losing 220 pounds) I started traumatizing myself through a series of VERY abusive relationships with women. They each fucked me up in their own special way but there were definitely two that stand out. One was physically abusive and kept me isolated in our apartment in a city where I knew no one. She had the only car and cell phone and threatened to stab me whenever I tried to leave. She was verbally abusive as well and when I asked her why she treated me like that she responded that demons where visiting her dreams at night and forcing her to act like that. The other woman was a junkie who taught me a lot about being naive. She stole from me, cheated on me, shot up with her friends regularly in our apartment, and just generally made my life a nightmare.
I was sitting at a long line of failures when I decided to move out of the area I grew up in and move to a large city with better opportunities. I met a woman who changed my life with her open heart and endless compassion/empathy. She has bipolar and had been pursuing her own mental health goals for years. She pushed me to seek treatment when all the shit I had endured over the years finally caught up with me at the end of my twenties. I was emotionally numb, constantly dissociative, and struggling to keep things together. I would be sitting on the couch and just start crying without feeling anything or realizing I was crying to begin with.
I FINALLY went to a therapist 2 years ago and was diagnosed with C-PTSD and dissociative disorders. I underwent a year and a half of EMDR therapy by a trauma specialist almost every other week. It opened up Pandora’s box and I had to mourn for a life lost and full of tragedy. Even though EMDR changed my life in ways I can’t express in language, it still only took me 80% of the way towards where I wanted to be. I completed my therapy but over the last 6 months I have still been struggling hard and I felt like maybe I was as fixed as I was ever going to get and I should be happy with the progress I’ve made. I still knew I was shattered inside though. My mind had always felt like a collection of individual shards each with their own purpose and way of protecting me.
This didn’t change until a couple of weeks ago. My girlfriend and I love going to music festivals and we both are into consciousness expanding experiences. I’ve been obsessed with the mind for many years and have a true appreciation for how complicated and nuanced it is. My girlfriend loves acid specifically and had an amazing healing experience where she met her bipolar self inside her own mindscape and they connected. I had tried about every psychedelic there is and never had an experience like that. I was looking for those experiences to offer some kind of alternative healing on their own but my problem was that I was expecting some kind of outside force of highness to do something TO me instead of allowing me to do something for myself.
It want until this last festival that I finally had my breakthrough. It was a combination of psychedelics but it’s not the drugs that are important. It was finally learning how to surrender to life instead of shielding myself from trauma and myself. There was a moment during my trip when everything peaked and I was in this perfect calm in the eye of the storm. I had always felt betrayed by my body for the sexual abuse and then a bunch of chronic illnesses popping up but in that moment I was 100% engaged with myself and everyone around me. I temporarily saw past everyone’s else’s traumas and shitty impulses and was able to connect with the potential love inside of us all. I hadn’t realized it but all those years of abuse and dissociation had put a massive divide inside me and those substances created an artificial bridge between my mind and body. I also didn’t realize that once that connection was made there was now a new neural bridge there.
It wasn’t until I got home at the end of the weekend and was relaxing on the couch when I had a major episode of some kind. I was thinking over the events of the weekend, and having some epiphanies unrelated to this story, when I realized that eye of the storm moment during my trip was the first time I had allowed my mind to fully connect and surrender to my body since that first traumatic experience as a kid. Realizing I had been whole allowed the pieces of my mind to cross that bridge inside myself naturally and on their own. I broke down and started sobbing with happiness in way I had never experienced before. This will sound trippy but I felt the shards of my mind start to combine in an almost physical way. It was beyond profound and eye opening. I spent my whole life convinced I was this purely abstract being trapped inside a walking meat prison but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I am a living animal of flesh, blood AND mind.
This is NOT a story to suggest that people go out and experiment all willy nilly with psychedelics. The first time I had a PTSD flashback was after an ill advised combination of molly and alcohol and it was a horrible way to have your first full blown flashback. I know with all my heart that it was a combination of a year and a half of intense EMDR therapy, a great support structure at home, and all the hard work I put into myself in-between those sessions/my job/my relationship. Those stacked nuanced layers of growth and self awareness brought me to the edge of the divide and laid the groundwork for the bridge and the psychedelics just brought me that last little bit home. Really all they did was allow me a preview of what life could be like on the other side of that space and my mind decided it was ready to make that leap on its own after that.
I am so sorry for how long this is and I don’t expect many to read it all but I hope it helps someone who may be going through their own healing journey and finds their self feeling alone and asking if this struggle ever ends. I have to say that struggle is life and never goes away but it is so much easier to cope with when you stop fighting yourself and surrender. I love you. You are real. You deserve happiness and self acceptance . Say that everyday and never stop fighting and I promise it will sound true to yourself one day. | ptsd |
I havent been diagnosed with these things officially but I fit the superficial criteria for hyperacusis, phonophobia, and misophonia. Basically, most noises are completely unbearable because they cause me physical pain, usually its like a needle in my ear when someone shouts or something like that. I cant do loud movies, im terrified of fireworks and any explosion noises, dishes clanking together, loud footsteps. Anyone else have this? Its very debilitating and the worst part is that people think Im just being dramatic and don't understand that I dont simply dislike these noises but they physically hurt me. (Tangent: its not even that I'm asking people to refrain from making the noises; just please dont take it personally when I have to leave because you're shouting or chewing with your mouth open. My leaving is a symbol of respecting your right to do what you want in your space, while simultaneously respecting myself enough to attempt to mitigate my own pain. But its always taken as a slight, no matter how much I explain. But I digress)
So my point here is not the bad part of these disorders actually. Im wondering if anyone has something like hyperacusis who experiences it in a good way sometimes? I experience the "bad" part of sounds very intensely but I also experience the "good" parts of it very intensely. For example when I listen to music i like its always an extremely, intensely pleasant sensation, like my brain and body are being electrocuted with good feelings. I see colors and shapes and motion in music too which create a deeply euphoric experience with the right music. This might be related but I also have a lot of inclinations toward auditory based skills like very good pitch, the ability to play what I hear on instruments, the ability to imitate speech cadence and accents with high accuracy. I am wondering if any of this is related. Thoughts? | aspergers |
I have tried looking for help over one year now and nothing have worked maybe it is what it is you know like I said to someone "In war people die l, that's how it works" maybe I I'm the next percent in suicide and I hope it is, I have tried killing myself a few times but this time I have a plan I know how, when, and with what I will do it I guess this is a good bye for all the people that have helped me but it's my time. I don't have anything or anyone to continue soo let's just go for it and hope for the best nothing seems worth soo many people have said "you have a whole life in front of you, you will find something it's worth" in 15 years of my life nothing seem worth like I said I hope this is a good bye I already gave up, nothing have change my mind and nothing will probably do thanks for staying until the end and I hope you reading this get out of this dark tunnel, this is alien, peace out ✌🏽🖤 | depression |
TW: Assault
It's been over two years and I don't know when it's going to stop infesting my thoughts.
I'm considering getting a copy of the police report. If I'm able to do this, I would like to read it. My end goal is to reach out to the officer who took my statement and see if I can pursue any further action. The person who assaulted me was never brought into custody.
Maybe if I can get some sort of justice, I can start to live again. | ptsd |
They didn’t charge before and they shouldn’t charge now. They don’t „need the money“, you pathetic class traitor. They don’t „have to do it to compete with PlayStation“, Mr. „I took Econ 101 in college and I’m a professional businessman“. I want to play just one Switch game online, for perhaps 1 hour a week: Animal Crossing. There is no way in hell I’m shelling out $20 a month for that. | aspergers |
Hi, I appreciate your views but please be gentle.
I have high levels of anxiety and agitation probably related to a combination of anxiety disorder and PTSD (or some other trauma-related disorder). I have difficulty fall asleep, staying asleep, and much of my day is spent feeling very anxious about different things, like things that could happen to my family, various diseases I could get or might already have, etc. I have various bodily symptoms too. The pandemic has made things 90% worse btw.
Anyhow, over the years, when younger (before the trauma) I've tried SSRIs for my anxiety with some success in terms of lower anxiety (but far from great success, like they actually reduced my motivation). Recently, however, things have gotten worse, and I went off the last SSRI which was doing nothing, Celexa, and my doc tried to get me to go on an antipsychotic after that. I don't know how I was able to convince myself to go on SSRIs in the past, but I had a terrible withdrawal effect from one, and since then, in particular, don't trust doctors and meds. Feel like psych doctors are like the worst kinds of used cars sales people, overselling things, hiding side effects, not telling you about withdrawal, and just thinking your head is a chemistry lab.
My doctor says it's my anxiety that's stopping me from trying meds, which are exactly the things I need to control my anxiety. So that I'm overthinking it. But I don't trust her. She's not the one going on meds, I am. And I'm afraid.
Have any of you ever looked at potential side effects of antipsychotics? Drug interactions? Withdrawal? They cause or contribute to diabetes, lipid issues, weight gain, lower white blood cells, and cause dozens of other terrible effects. For each antipsychotic, you'll find hundreds of posts on Reddit with people talking about terrible things about these drugs. Of course, some will also say these drugs are miracle drugs, so I don't deny they can and do help, but feel like the cost, the real cost, is much higher than what you gain.
The bad thing about having a severe anxiety disorder combined with trauma is meds never can help much anyways. So for me at least the cost is high.
Yet I think to myself that's why I'm going to my doc, to help me find a medication to get good sleep and feel less anxious and agitated. Had simply doing breathing techniques or self-help books on CBT helped, I'd not be in this position. Btw I can't do psychotherapy because it costs me ten times more than meds and I'm already jobless and can barely afford my rent (help of family).
I'm stuck. Should I go back to a SSRI I tried before? Tricyclics? Take the antipsychotic? Just go off all meds? Or take a med and then constantly worry about the various things it's doing to my body?
I feel like I have so little power, even taking meds puts me in a powerless position. | ptsd |
as the title says, in particular about my skin. i am obsessed with my moles and freckles and am constantly convinced my body is riddled with melanoma, despite seeing a dermatologist every 6 months. it’s exhausting. i want to pay thousands of dollars to get every single mole i have removed just to give myself peace of mind. it’s the only way i can think of to stop this horrible cycle (then again, i’ll just find another condition to worry about). i’m in grad school and have tons of assignments and tests and all i can focus on are my moles. i know i’m probably being ridiculous but i can’t stop, and my dermatologist probably thinks i’m a nut job too.
can anyone relate to me? | OCD |
I’ve had anxiety for awhile and Ive also had symptoms of POCD for a good while as well, (in fact a year ago I think I had HOCD) but they’ve never been this scary. When I started worrying about being a pedo I would always check to see if was attracted to pictures of kids and I never was, but in order to truly test myself I had created a picture of a kid in my head and gave it outfits and physical features (like hair color and skin color) that I would find attractive in girls my age. But after focusing on the image for awhile I was worried that I had started to feel gronial responses and “attraction” type feelings in my chest, but it was only when I focused on a certain part of her body. I’ve never been attracted to the physical features of a child, but when I focused on parts of the body that I find attractive in other girls (like the butt) or if I made her move around. I started to get worried that the attraction felt somewhat real. Then I started having thoughts and feelings of attraction, and the more I focused on it the worse it got. I didn’t have any super romantic type feelings and I wasn’t “turned on” or erected by it. But I was still having so much fear and anxiety I couldn’t calm down at all. The next day I focused on it constantly and checked every 2 minutes to see if I felt “attracted” to it and the feelings felt real. I kept focusing on it and it kept getting stronger. I started to question if this was even POCD, which made everything worse. Soon It was hard to tell the difference between real attraction and the “POCD attraction.” And it was making my brain think that I was truly attracted to that and it started making links and giving me scary thoughts. When I was able to calm down the “attraction” definitely faded and the concept of being a pedo really seemed ridiculous to me. As before this children had never been a kink of mine. But later that night after working myself up/focusing on it, the feelings once again started back up. The next 2 days were basically the same as that, expect it kept getting worse and I constantly checked on it. It seems the more focused on it I am and the more worried I am is when it picks up. I know that anxiety/POCD can give your feelings of false attraction but it really does feel real at times. Am I in denial or do I have POCD? (BTW I don’t really feel the “attraction feelings” when looking at other kids, it’s mainly just the one I created in my head) | OCD |
So, I get mega panic attacks and usually I'm too hypervigilant and I walk on eggshells. Has anybody gotten a civilian psychiatric service dog for their panic attacks? How did it work out and would you recommend it to somebody who has panic attacks?
I also want to know if a PSD helped anybody through college?
Thanks in advance. | ptsd |
Basically, I got hired as a tech support analyst, and my first week for the company has been great! The managers don't rush me, but instead encourage me, and make sure I feel well and that I am properly trained before I am assigned to do anything. My colleagues are also incredibly nice, and we talk about so many things. Time just flies, and I have no idea how a whole week went by, it's bonkers!
I also have the option to work from home, tho I prefer to be in the office because I get to concentrate on work better that way. I also get free unlimited coffee and tea lol.
In contrast to my other jobs (especially the first weeks there), it feels like I'm in heaven. Seriously, no one screaming at me for taking a breath, nobody being angry at me for not doing things when there is literally nothing to be done (even my colleague who is getting promoted was shocked at how unreasonable the working conditions were at my job as a kitchen porter), and most of all, the managers KNOW I'm new and don't expect the world from me.
So far so great, and I look forward to my next few weeks with the company! The pay is also great for the local cost of living, and I can afford to order takeaway every single day (tho I won't because I want to try eating more healthily, since I'm starting to gain weight).
Guys, honestly, I wrote a post years ago on a throwaway account that I was unemployable when I couldn't find a job for a year and a half. If I can do it, so can you! There is hope! Tho not to be too positive, since Murphy's law states that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. But hey, enjoy the moment while it lasts, I guess. | aspergers |
How does one heal from the trauma of childhood SA?
My cousin molested me from abt age 7-13 and would constantly threaten me not to tell anyone until eventually his family moved and I wasn’t subjected to seeing them that often.
I still blame myself because it went on for years and I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t have good relationships with my parents and couldn’t trust them with expressing any sort of feelings I had.
Now I’m 22 and I still get nightmares about the abuse, there are days where Ill randomly get triggered and start having flashbacks and all I can do is cry.
I haven’t been able to open up abt this to any of my friends, as well as my significant other. I tried to multiple times in therapy over the years but they scare me by trying to get police involved.
This is the one traumatic experience I’ve never been able to share with anyone because I’m so ashamed. I don’t know how to heal from this on my own and am looking for advice. | depression |
[UPDATE POST HERE](https://old.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/ll2o7v/update_finn_the_cat_came_home_unharmed_last_night/): Finn came back home! He is doing great. Thank you all for all the love and support.
I don't know if this is the right sub, but I don't know where to turn to. My emotions are too much to deal with, and I try to suppress the feeling I want to hurt myself. I need some help on how to deal with them.
A few days ago my inside cat of nine months walked out in the freezing cold. He had a few looks outside before, and I wanted to show him the first snow. Because we're in a lockdown there is no traffic at night.
I wanted to make an appointment to get him chipped and neutered last week, but I didn't. I have no idea what went through my mind when I let him out.
He means the world to me, I feel a weird, abnormal, extreme love and empathy for cats in general and I am completely devastated. I can not deal with the idea that something might have happened to him, it was -14 degrees for two nights and there is a lot of snow.
I feel completely overwhelmed by negative emotions. Its comes in waves, but it gets worse every day and I am beginning to get panic attacks too. Can't eat or sleep or even game to take my mind off.
I have no idea what to do. I am not ready to talk about it at all. Everything is a blur. Can you guys please give me some tips on how to deal with my overwhelming emotions? I need something to pass the time and numb my feelings. | aspergers |
So I just saw something ( I don’t know if I did) I also don’t know what I saw but I was looking at the floor and my eyes twitched and I thought I saw something move.
I now think I have schizophrenia because I saw something I may have or have not saw although I don’t know what I saw.
I know this sounds stupid but it’s scary on my behalf. | OCD |
My OCD has gotten so bad lately I’m obsessing over every little thing and no around me understands I feel like I can’t talk to anyone cause they will think it’s weird
I’ve started having mental breakdowns sometimes it’s so bad, I really just don’t know what to do
My mom has OCD and I don’t even feel like she understands | OCD |
I swear I think I have dementia sometimes.
My wife left to pick up lunch and came back struggling to open the door because I'd locked all three deadbolts.
I have absolutely no recollection of locking them.
I must have done it in passing while mindlessly walking by it.
Is this an equivalent to putting something somewhere and then it disappears, or am I losing my mind? | ADHD |
I often notice that I can tell how bad or good my day will be with how well I slept. I wish I could sleep good every night but it’s hit or miss and I don’t know how to improve it. I really am two different people depending on how well I slept the night before. If I slept good then I can be so cheerful no anxiety and love everyone. If I slept bad I can hate the world and have severe anxiety and I know it’s going to happen and I can’t stop it. Is anyone else like this? What did you do to help you sleep better? Thank you | aspergers |
so i have a lot of intrusive thoughts and the phrase "you're not your thoughts" used to soothe me
but now with a lot of people talking about manifestation in social media it makes me sooo anxious because i don't want to accidentally manifestate my intrusive thoughts and all these crystal mfers on tiktok saying "manifestating workssss omg" make me so anxious because i really don't want it to
now when i have an intrusive thought i always think im somehow gonna manifest it and then ive developed tics that make me "reverse manifest it" or something like that i guess its so fucking annoying and dumb :-/ | OCD |
I never realized that it was self harming until my therapist told me about it was.
I have been overweight my entire life. At first it was a lifestyle my parents made me commit to but now that I am an adult, I'm accepting it. Harming myself like cutting was always a pain in the ass to hide.
So i resulted to eating like shit. I order fast food everyday, never work out, and overall just live a horrible lifestyle. A part of me wants to get sick from this lifestyle and hide it from everyone so they see my death a result of gluttony rather than suicide.
I started heading towards the normal weight but my mental health has been declining the longer we are on lockdown. I just wanted to die. I had no friends and social life besides from my boyfriend. I didnt want to continue living.
I can feel pain in my chest time to time after I eat fried chicken for the 5th time in the week. I can feel my legs numbing up after every fries i eat.
Im afraid that its working.
Im afraid that im going to leave my boyfriend and cats behind if i die from this.
But im just seeing where this goes. Hopefully not in a coffin. | depression |
i dont know why but its kinda a coping mecanism bc my childhood is fucked up but so is my ocd its always 10 asking personal quiestions about personal shit and alway yes yes yes yes make these flashbacks stop | ptsd |
Jus went to my new pysch today and told her about my symptoms like feelings of panic, intrusive thoughts reminding me of things I’ve said or did wrong, hyper awareness of facial expressions or anyone’s mood changing around me I was in shock when she said it sound like PTSD but I was raised by mentally ill abusive parents from a young age my dad would beat me at night and my mom was a leader in an extremist religious cult and was severely emotionally abusive at home When they would gang up on me (harass me for hours until 3 or 4 in the morning making me pray until I was “in the spirit” as they called it when I had school the next morning) I would turn to cutting in my teens to ease that pain now I’ve started cutting when there is conflict in my current (healthy) relationship I’ve also been in abusive relationships (raped etc) but none of those came close to how my family made me feel and the pain and trauma is still very real I’ve cut them out of my life for 4 years now but still have bad dreams about them
Also I had a full blown psychosis (hearing and seeing things) in my mid 20s and was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder and that was very traumatic being handcuffed to hospital beds and injected with drugs to put me to sleep I even tried escaping because in my delusions the hospital was keeping me there to use me for porn
I guess I’m not sure where my ptsd comes from ? But I know I have a lot of trauma I’m also wondering if anyone’s had success with treatment and what that might be ? Thanks for reading | ptsd |
Earlier this evening I talked with a good friend of mine about my depression, my suicidal thoughts and my time in the psych ward. I don't know why but I felt like he thinks I only want attention. I have no idea how I should describe it to you but ever since I spoke with someone about my mental health for the first time. I always felt like people think that I make up the stuff I tell them. I really don't have the balls to ask them if they really believe me, because then they'll definitely think I only want attention or smth like that. In addition to that my mental state is worse than ever and I really don't know how long I can hold on to this life. I think about suicide on a daily basis right now and everyday I get a step closer to really doing it. I really have no idea how to continue | depression |
does anyone else get excessively worried about the cleanliness of fruits and veggies? i always get nervous about eating them because they seem unclean. i often have to ask my mom if she thinks it’s ok for me to eat them after she’s already washed them, but i still don’t feel good about it even when she reassures me. i sometimes end up just throwing them away because it’s not worth the risk but i love eating them so i don’t know what to do. i also get this with other food where all of a sudden i think it’s somehow unsafe to eat so i have to spit it out or stop eating | OCD |
I finally worked up the motivation to leave my bed and take a shower after 4 days. During my shower all I could think about was why I wanted to kill myself and I tried to slightly change the train of thought by thinking about how I’d explain it to a close friend. I listed off the reasons why I wanted to kill myself and imagined them asking “if you have so many reasons, and I don’t mean anything by this but, why haven’t you?” I then listed off all the reasons I hadn’t and wouldn’t and realized something that depressed me even more. I’m not avoiding suicide because I want to live, I’m avoiding suicide because I’m hoping someone would miss me if I was gone. | depression |
Does anybody else get really flappy when you have to talk with loads of people listening? Like I know exactly what you have to say but it turns rambly no matter how prepared I am, and I’ll just randomly insert unnecessary bits of thought that come into my head that people really don’t need to know. I’ll also just completely forget some words. Had to present one slide at work in a teams meeting and I think I info dumped for half of it and spoke crap for the rest. At least I didn’t start talking about Peppa Pig. | ADHD |
I have this weird thing where after pooping, I feel dirty everywhere until I take a shower. Does anyone else have this problem? If so how did you combat it.
Thanks in advance | OCD |
I can't say with certainty as I'm a pussy who always backs out of things at the last minute. I just can't live on anymore. There's a bunch of reasons for this I've already discussed at length. But in summary, I'm a failure who's always wrong, fucks everything up, and am overall a self-centered prick the world can do without. It doesn't help that I lost something that while may seem trivial has still caused me a lot of pain. I retold that story a billion times on this account. Regardless, none of you will care. If I'm going, to be honest, I want my death to be remembered. I want the people who have wronged me to know what they did to me. I want the world to hear my troubles. But they won't. Even this post will probably only get a few upvotes and nothing more. It won't matter. Thanks a lot for all the pain you people gave me. Hope you're happy. | depression |
Hi, I am (21F) from India. By just hearing the country name you would have known how difficult is it for people here who suffer from depression or anxiety.
I am suffering from anxiety from the time I know (like from school days). I remember being freaked out, startled and shivering for everything by anything/anyone out there. And all of a sudden my father died which made my symptoms worse in my POV. I remember just studying like a robot with no basic sense for the 11th and 12th grades. I believe I had some high functioning depression here itself which I didn't allow to surface in the name of my commitments. After finishing 12th I have to face another setback in the name of medical exams. I always wanted to be a doctor but I became the first batch to write a new medical exam (NEET) due to government policies here. I obviously failed and screwed it. I lost my real self here as I identified myself as a doctor from 1st grade. But I didn't dare to do another attempt owing to my financial conditions. Everything went downhill for me and I simply joined a reputed university for pursuing agriculture (I never had a keen interest, I just joined it for the sake of it).
After joining my university, I became more self-aware and conscious about my behaviour patterns. I didn't have basic mental health education until 12th grade because for people here 'it's all in our heads. I managed to get through and COVID made everything worse again. During those pandemic times, I remember being in the deepest black hole I could remember. I was crying for everything that has happened to me. I was crying for being lonely, for losing my father, for losing my ambition, for losing myself in the name of commitment and everything. This is where I had physical symptoms relative to mental health issues. Whenever I shout, fear or get anxious, I started getting anxiety attacks and severe chest pain. I researched and somewhat learnt to manage symptoms but still, it was tough. Anyway, I kept my mental health a close secret but day by day it was only progressing to worst.
I finished my graduation just 2 months back and landed a good job from campus interviews. I couldn't cope there, I hated my job, my narcissistic roommate, and basically everything. I cried like hours for days and then ended up resigning from my job. Now resigning is no joke here in India because there are thousands of people here to question you about your joblessness. I can't bring myself to answer them or they wouldn't even understand it even if I do.
I always had a keen interest in digital marketing so I ditched my degree and I am working as a content writer now. I believe I can improve myself little by little in this field. Still, I am forcing myself to do basic tasks and feeling like every day is a burden. I have been suicidal at some point in time (never intended to do it actively) but shrugged it off. I explained to my mom everything (except the suicidal part) and she listened to me. My mom is understanding my mental health now and she wants to help me with therapy.
Now I was seeking a therapist and was confused between homoeopathy and modern medicine. Homoeopathy is a traditional medicine for India (but discovered elsewhere I know) and I do have high regard for it. But according to me, everything shouldn't be accepted in the name of tradition. I have always thought homoeopathy to be quackery working on the placebo effect.
Here people are not believing in my opinions on homoeopathy and they are actively hating modern medicine. According to their logic, I just want someone to listen and a homoeopathy doctor can do it. But I feel there is some chemical imbalance in the brain due to chronic anxiety and stress I had which certainly can't be treated with homoeopathy. I am so perplexed now thinking about what to choose and what to leave.
I just want to know if any people here have benefitted from treating depression/anxiety with homoeopathy.
P.S: Sorry for the long post :)/ | depression |
I am so tired.. I have been struggling all year and getting by but it’s so hard to hold myself up at the moment. I just feel so alone, I have a few friends and they all have partners and family and people present in there lives to support and hold them up. I have no one, all that I am to my friends is seeing them occasionally for dinner plans.. at the end of the day they’d rather be with their people. I just want to connect with someone and not end up crying and overwhelmingly sad the second I am not working or distracting myself. I live alone and weekends / after work periods are just miserable.. I feel like a burden always making effort to set up plans with my few friends because I know I am just not very important. I have tried so hard for years to connect but no one gets through. This is messing up my identity as I just don’t know where I fit into the world, I just want to feel at home somewhere. I don’t know why I am so unlovable and forever alone. I crave connection and company so bad. | depression |
My urge to die returned with the soft sound of a mouse click.
For a fleeting moment joy descended upon me. Three months of hard work complete. But now the all too familiar emptiness returns.
My eyes are growing heavy ready for a night of torment, I’m sure of it. The only question is how many episodes will it be before I give up? Last night it was 4. They were horrific. Generally the medication helps with that. Yesterday it felt like they had taken on the role of an amplifier.
So tired of being tired raises the question;
How much pain will there be in the fall? If the answer is none then sign me up. | depression |
I'm so drained. I'm tired of it all. If I could erase my entire past I would do so in a heartbeat. I can't live like this. How can I even call myself alive when I'm so dead inside? I wish it would all just go away! I can't take it. Every time I let my guard down. Every. Fucking. Time. I don't want to give up either. I just want it to all go away. I'm so weak! This monster just refuses to leave me alone. I can't even get a therapist. I hate flashbacks. I hate the nausea, I hate the pure unadulterated fear that courses through me, I hate the memories, I hate myself mostly. I hate the headaches and the aftershocks.
I know, I've been told a million times "you didn't deserve any of what happened to you". I've been told that so many times it's lost any meaning. Sometimes I feel like I did deserve it. "Maybe I could have done this", or "maybe I could've done that". These thoughts play through my head constantly. "Maybe I deserved all of it!" is yet another one. There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm a clock that won't tick. I'm 3 years old, I'm 5 years old, I'm 6 years old, I'm 8 years old, I'm 10 years old, I'm 14 years old, I'm 15 years old, I'm 17 years old, I'm 19 years old, and I'm 22, all in the same person. These are all separate people, but the same person. They all have several things in common. They're all scared, they're all alone, they're all distrustful, they're all sad, and they're all so bitter. 22 years old and my road is so full of potholes.
I'm empty, but I'm full of fear. I'm alone, but my demons live with me. I'm at peace with my surroundings, but there's a war in my mind. I scream into the void, but it screams right back. I'm broken, but I try to fix others. I'm something and I'm nothing. I'm full of contradictions, yet I'm very consistent.
There's a part of a song that really resonates with me: "I'm scared to get close, but I hate being alone. I long for the feeling to not feel at all. The higher I get, the lower I sink. I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim". But not feeling at all brings its own pain. But it's true. No matter how hard I try, my demons always float back to the surface. The happier I am, the harder it all comes crashing down around me.
I break so easily. I'm quick to anger. I'm quick to sorrow. I'm quick to fear. I'm quick to self doubt and self loathing. Forgive me for my rant, for my nonsensical ravings. I'm just so tired. | ptsd |
I’m going to be as brief as possible. I had an intrusive thought about harming my parents 6-7 months ago and the intrusive thoughts of harm would flare up and down. Different events would make me forget about it, and then they would just come back. About a month ago I eventually felt so much guilt and remorse that I opened up to my mother about it. We explored the possibility of harm OCD and pure O. After talking about it I felt a little better, but these thoughts only progressively got worse. They were debilitating and hindered my daily life. The intrusive thoughts sort of began to change from images and stuff to like these unwanted “feelings” of me maybe wanting to actually do this stuff. I had these intrusive thoughts, images, phrases, and all kinds of shit that were making me feel weak and ruining my life. I opened up again to my parents and my life only continued to get worse. I’m not looking for people to feel bad here, I’m just telling the truth. My quality of life has been horrible. I ended up on 25mg of Zoloft. Been on that for about 2 weeks now and I notice that I’ve been reacting to these thoughts less and I feel emotionally blunt at times. I’ve began to become self aware of my past behavior. For example, I was able to determine that I’ve been prone to exhibiting narcissistic behavior before. But shit like psychopathy/sociopathy and sadism, I really still don’t see myself as any of those. Well, now to the point of this post. Overcome with anxiety, I eventually started doing “serial killer tests” on the internet. Of the few I completed, I never got a very alarming result, but something scarier happened. I saw an image of a killer in court and it said underneath “The BTK killer showed no empathy in court.” And I felt something strange. I don’t know if it was admiration, amazement, interest, or what, but it wasn’t a good feeling, and it sure as hell has sent me into full panic mode. I have always thought it was incredible how these people can do such horrible things and justify it to themselves and feel completely okay with it. Like how the fuck does one do that when they’ve done something so awful? I don’t know. I need help. I don’t want to be evil. I don’t want to be a bad person. I love the life I have and I love my family. The thought of losing all of that and being looked at as some monster literally shatters my heart. I don’t want to be a monster. I just want this all to stop. Someone please help. I never was a bed-wetter, never tortured animals, and I was never an arsonist either. Wtf is going on???? | OCD |
Every year around this time I got so depressed for no reason I’m not sure what to do anymore. | depression |
I need to know if any of you guys have this issue sometimes.
I’m a learning driver, meaning I still need to complete my test to get my permanent license.
I did my test today and failed. Mainly because I somehow ignored a yield sign. It happens sometimes that I see a sign, but i don’t register it. It’s almost as if my brain is like “huh neat, a yield sign” and then just doesn’t process it.
It drives me nuts.
What can I do to fix this?? I feel so stupid for having it happen to me multiple times. Even my dad asks me “do you genuinely not see the signs?”.
Edit: I took my medication that morning, i’m on 10mg ritalin
Edit 2: and I don’t have this all the time, from time to time i’ll just not process some road signs. It’s very annoying and makes me feel gaslighted by my own brain | ADHD |
I find myself always wanting the "coolest" and "best" life. Like the "perfect" friends and the "prettiest" life. The "prettiest" friends and the most aesthetic life. I have a constant urge to be "cooler" and to define myself as cool and hip and basically the coolest and most interesting person ever. Maybe OCD doing something here? What causes me to want to lead the coolest life? Like I hate being the center of attention and I'm going into social work, which is NOT a "sexy" career, but for some reasons I still feel this NEED to live in a cool, artsy, place and have the coolest, artsiest, BEST partner/relationship. | OCD |
I just need to vent about some petty issue right now... I was on the LFG sub reddit looking for a DND game and after weeks of trying to find the one that's just right for me, I found it. I even got to be one of the first people to apply. But the guy behind it is waiting a few days to go through the applications and a lot of people are applying to get in. I'm worried my application is gonna get lost in the shuffle and I don't think I did the best job I could filling it in.
I know I should just be patient and wait but the tension is killing me. I don't wanna lose my chance to get in... I can't decide if I should DM him or not and explain my issues with waiting because I don't know if it would help or hurt my chances.
I don't know what to do... | aspergers |
Hello, this is my first time posting to this subreddit.I am a 24 year old male. For most of my life I've been struggling with my depression. I was taken out of my original family by the CPS because it was a meth house and my father was a very abusive person. Three years i was exposed to abuse and my foster family was not the best. So i was kinda broken from the beginner. But as my life went on with a new family, my depression just got worse and worse and I became suicidal. I've attempted suicde 5 times, which all failed. And my parents still haven't found out yet. I'm severely depressed still and suicidal, but not going to try do anything. Now that this virus has been out for 2 years, and I been stuck at home without being able to go out. I've become very depressed, no friends, no work, no money, just saddness. | depression |
im finally sleeping home at my moms house for the first time since october. i have to check my house before i go to sleep, and my moms house is 3 stories as opposed to my dads 1 story apartment. ive been staying at my dads for about a month every night because of the stress of checking. it would take me an hour and half to check my moms house before bed and it was so draining and exhausting. my dads house was easier so i stayed there. but over this month i have been trying to reduce it. and i reduced it so much i got my dads house time from 30min to about 6. i finally had some confidence to try and sleep home at my moms. i missed my bed, and my room, as i was sleeping on a couch for over month.
im doing it. it barely took me 10 minutes to do the basement and first floor, and now im just waiting for my sister to get out of the bathroom so i can check there. im so happy and feel really good about myself.
just wanted to share :) | OCD |
I have tocd but it started out at hocd. 2 days ago, I had urinal sensations all day. I was constantly going to the bathroom so relieve myself even thought when I would go pee, there was barely any. Today I had it happen again. But only once. I read it is an ocd thing. Does anyone else have this? | OCD |
From my experience when you are young thats when you discover interests and sexual attraction /orientation thats when you know what it is you like, if your sexuality changes thats because you were already into that and probably didnt know it but missed signs. All these pronouns and genders and sexual orientation labels are causing harm, i remember when it was lesbian,gay,bi,straight all of a sudden your sexuality can change, and schools are teaching kids that if they want to be a girl or boy its fine. Truthfully its being forced into people's faces, unfair as hell and im tired of it. Now, if you are suffering from hocd/ so ocd and it feels super real thats bc its a doubt disorder, its gonna feel as real as possible because its in your head. If you were what you were before the ocd theme happened and were happy and fine with it then clearly thats what you are and most comfortable with therefore try not to believe everything your body throws at you, not all things are true. I could go on and on about this stuff honestly, im 22 , male with a gf and im going through so ocd and its caused me nothing but discomfort and torture, if that shit was true i wouldn't be feeling angry or discomfort and really wouldn't be able to deny it, fuck this ocd shit im taking back my life and imma go crazy when i get this shit out of my head. | OCD |
I experienced a stressful, drawn out event recently (it lasted 3 years) that really messed with my head. I've been diagnosed with "PTSD-like" symptoms (apparently I tick all of the boxes for PTSD except one so I can't be fully labelled with PTSD).
I can't stop thinking about everything that happened, over and over and over again. I hate myself for not acting "better" in the situation and ruminate a lot, wishing I could go back and "fix" things. Regret has never been something I've had a problem with before this experience, but this regretful feeling is gnawing away at me constantly. It feels like there is no hope in sight and I'm just an empty shell, instead of the happy, motivated, fun girl I used to be.
I'm in therapy which is great for a few days but then I just relapse into negative thinking again. My loved ones are worried so I try not to talk to them about it anymore as I feel like a burden. The last thing I want is to drag others down with me.
Is this normal? How do you escape your own head? How do you even start to move on? | ptsd |
I get sick of feeling the need to explain myself and my disability to total strangers so I don’t just seem like an asshole. A woman who works in my building asked me Sunday, “do you miss ______?”, an associate who sexually harassed me a few months ago...I am a 29F and he is a 34M (who is married, btw, and I have a boyfriend). I replied to her...”no, I don’t miss him because he sexually harassed me. Sorry. Actually, no, I’m not sorry.” Her response was then, “Oh come on, you’re gonna give him a big ol hug next time you see him”. I said “no, he better stay the hell away from me actually”. Did I tell her what happened exactly? No but I wanted to, so she may get it through her thick head and maybe not make future comments such as those to someone else. My PTSD is not from this incident but it highly irritated me that it seemed like she didn’t hear what I said and if she did, she wasn’t taking it seriously...
Can anyone else relate? | ptsd |
Like every time someone coughs I jump out of my skin. Today I was in town and I'd bought a mini takeaway pizza and I was eating it when this guy walked past and coughed once, I was so anxious that I ended up throwing the rest of the pizza away. Later on I was in a shop when this woman coughed I had my mask on but yea. I try really hard not to have a why me/self pitying attitude but it's kind of upsetting that other people are able to eat outside around other people without feeling paranoid that someone is going to cough near them and why my friends don't feel like they have to wash their hands every time they touch something
[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/pc3ckj) | OCD |
I just got a text from a woman I've been on 3 dates with. I am a woman in my mid-30s and I've always had relationships with men, but I have always been really attracted to women and didn't know how to, well, get with a woman. So I've been trying dating apps.
I was having a nice time with this woman. I took her out for a fancy dinner. We went to my first red rocks concert last week. I'm scared of intimacy after relationship trauma, and my ptsd makes it so hard for me to express anything physical to anyone. I don't know if maybe I wasn't acting physically attracted... I don't know... I made the stupid mistake of divulging that I had had to get a restraining order against an ex in the past, and then she asked me to tell the story, so I told her what happened with him... And then she texted me today to say I'm not the kind of connection she's looking for.
I'll never know if it just wasn't the right chemistry. I'll never know if it was me telling her about my past. But I'm scared because work is the only thing I ever succeed at. My life is starting to feel meaningless after so much failure in so many relationships. I care about my work, and I've been working like an absolute maniac to try to make it feel like my life has meaning, but it's starting to not feel like I can't keep going like this.
I could really use some support today. I'm so sad. And it's not really this one person who doesn't want to see me anymore. That's fine, it was only a few dates. It's just that today, I was already sad. Today, I was already hurting. And it's just one more little sad thing on top of all the big sad things. I need so much more love and support than I'm able to get. Thank you for reading. <3 | ptsd |
I can't even decide what I hated more:
Was it the soul-crushing rote memorization math homework with the "SHOW YOUR WORK" mandates that hated if my work did anything even slightly differently or incompletely and didn't show the entire process...
Or was it the MANDATORY FUN homework where I was supposed to decorate something in an artificial and coerced way and if it's a group project all the burden was on me anyway and everyone else was just getting smashed and they couldn't even bother helping with the decorating unless I was really really insistent?
I did well on almost all quizzes and tests, but being told over and over again for years how many hours I was expected to commit to homework because "that's what adults will do in the working world" felt like an elaborate hazing ritual where I'm supposed to someday enjoy saying that to kids of the future as my reward for putting up with the entire meaningless and exhausting racket? | ADHD |
So I accidentally used a racist word around my friends the other day. I’ve never used or wanted to use that word before, but I’d heard it a few minutes earlier and while I was trying to say something else, that word came out instead (it sounded very similar to the word I was trying to use).
I immediately felt terrible and apologized profusely, but can’t help but feel like my friends will see me differently from now on. The ocd part of my brain is making me feel like it’s inexcusable to say that, even though logically I know it was a slip up and I didn’t mean it. I have a hard time with morality ocd (I’m not sure if that’s the accurate name for the subtype) and don’t always know how to approach the intrusive thoughts in a helpful way. Does anyone else struggle with this? What helps you work through it? | OCD |
Hi everyone, I don't know how to begin this post but yesterday, I had something strange and I need to know if it's normal or not.I've got a CPTSD due to severe abuse in my childhood/teenagehood and severe sexual abuse during these times too.
I'm engaged to a wonderful man for 4 years now who supports me and don't judge me. However, yesterday my partner wanted to test something new in our sexuality.
Unfortunately, the sexual act that was done was one of the abuses that I had (tying my hands and feet). But, I told myself that after more than 6 years of psychiatric follow-up, cognitive behavioral therapies, I was able to do that, especially with someone that I can trust.But while he was tying my hands, I started to get restless, to have blurred vision, shadow breathing. Then suddenly, black hole. I "passed out."
After few minutes (my fiancé said to me about 5 minutes) I came back to myself but my instant memory was erased.I didn't have any memories and it scares me.My fiancé said that I screamed the name of one of my rapist, that I was hitting him and crying, crying crying ...
Does it normal that I didn't had memories ? Does my brain said "no, that's it too much, she don't need to remember this ?"I'm actually shaking and feeling so depressed ...
Thanks a lot for the ppl who reading it and sorry for my syntax ... | ptsd |
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