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I recently noticed this - someone boldly used my name when talking to me / telling me how hard they worked on something and it came off as 10x more aggressive than normal and really put me on guard.
Anyone else hate being called by name during certain events? | aspergers |
I’ve really been struggling with OCD surrounding taboo topics lately, one common statement made about this kind of OCD is how “A thought is just a thought.” For me personally this has led to me feeling the need to ruminate even more, the whole reason I’m soo bothered by these topics isn’t simply the fact that these thoughts are entering my mind, but more so the idea behind *what they could mean*. A person with OCD doesn’t view their thoughts as just thoughts, because to them they genuinely *feel* important in the context of their situation.
Thank you for listening, god bless. | OCD |
Basically, sometimes after I watch a horror game gameplay (it doesn't always happen but only with some horror games, I don't know why), I would be alright but like later at night, I would suddenly remember it and start having magical thinking intrusive thoughts. For example, those thoughts would be like "what if if I have my back turned for too long in the dark kitchen, the horror thing in that video game would appear and kill me?" Of course it's complete nonsense, but while knowing that I would get so damn crept out about it and like I would actually go on full anxiety/alert mode (fast heartbeat, rise in sensitivity towards any types of noise, constant vigilance, etc.) almost as if I believed it to be true. So like then I would need to actually do what my thoughts say and like constantly look back and like make sure i don't have my back turned for too long in the dark kitchen (in the scenario of the given example).
Do some of you also experience this type of magical thinking OCD? Actually, is this even OCD? | OCD |
I have this brain fog since I was a child. I ran from it and from all social context so far. I am 32 now and have a wife. I am so drained all day. I cannot focus on anything all day. I have this brain fog all day. Does anyone else feels the same?
Could this brain fog come from depression or anxiety?
Help me please dear people. I start wondering if I have some other mental illness. | depression |
I am being conquered by my obsessive thoughts, they make me ruminate all day or sometimes check something many many times. When I was younger I tried to prevent myself from acting like that so I was like..."If i'm going to check that door again I will die"...and I didnt do it for the 1000x time and it really helped. Obviously that method has stopped working. Now I use this .. If I get an obsessive thought for example if I want to daydream that I am actually in america and If I dont do it I become really stressed...I simply tell myself that I wont do it, it may seem ridiculous but when I tell my brain that I wont do it again it makes me feel like I am thinking like a normal person and that its a fate-like order "I wont do it again". Or when I want to check my body for the 50th time if there isnt any bug or tick I just tell myself no I wont do it and I really stick up to it. I think that its just my brains self defense mechanism or something. But this has stopped working too luckily I got an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. Does your brain have any self defense mechanisms that prevent you from compulsing too? | OCD |
After being abused i started to develope abusive behaviors. I hate it, i don't want to hurt other people and i promise myself i will not. I'm going to work on myself. Wish me luck guys | ptsd |
Hello, nice to e-meet you here. How did you make big life decisions like marriage or having kids or buying home, etc? My partner has ADD/OCD/Anxiety and I can't think he'd be able to make those decisions. He has hard time even just to decide which clothes to buy and he sometimes has to flip a coin. I doubt he'd be able to make decisions by a coin about marriage, kids, etc. Does any medical treatment (medicine, cognitive behavioral therapy, counseling, etc) work on this problem? Were you able to overcome this issue? | ADHD |
Before I get into this, I get that this a me problem, and I'm not necessarily blaming other people. I get that what I'm about to say is just a part of life.
I've tried going on dating apps and going out more, but I just never seem to have much luck. I talk to people when I'm out, but nothing ever really comes of it after that. I just talk to people and then never see them again. I tell myself that "it's just life. I'm not actually doing anything wrong because I know I make the effort to meet new people", but I just find it extremely hard nowadays to actually form a long lasting friendship or potential relationship, whereas when I was like 16-19, I'd find it much easier to keep in contact with people, and vice versa. People keeping in touch with me. Is this down to Social Media? I'm starting to think that these dating apps and everything else just makes everyone you come across easily forgettable. There's quite a lot of reasons as to why I think this. Girls that are even a bit attractive have unlimited options now, and guys just don't really seem to want form friendships with other guys as much as they used to. I'm 22, and it just feels like the older I get the harder it is to actually form relationships with people.
I don't want any negative comments on this post. I'm just here to talk about what you guys think in the most civil way as possible. | aspergers |
I just cannot shake this feeling of loneliness in my heart, it's been about 2 weeks and even when I'm with friends and family i cannot shake the feeling. Does anyone else have this problem where even if you do the things that make you focus and bring joy you just cannot shake this feeling. Any advice would be helpful. | ADHD |
PLEASE, does anyone know what I should do?
When I focus too much on my breathing, I breathe too little or too much. I used to be crazy about getting in the right amount of oxygen without suffocating or “oxygen toxicity” (someone please clear this up, I don’t want to breathe so much oxygen I die!). Now, I just don’t want to focus on it anymore. Yet, I’m afraid of forgetting and then not breathing. The issue is that by wanting to see if I’ve forgotten breathing, I end up focusing on it. I get so scared because I start to wonder if I’ll forever focus on my breathing nonstop. I focus on my breathing and do class work at the same time, what if my brain gets used to that and I’ll never be able to forget breathing? What if I never forget and I forever feel the uncomfortable suffocation of taking a breathe in and out? Please help me, I can’t.
Edit: Oh god, what if I’ve always been breathing this way and have been constantly focused on it?? What if I’m just going crazy??? Have I always focused on breathing???
The thing is, I’ve learned how to breathe in and out without controlling anything (just observing the breaths), which is why I’m able to multitask. But it’s like a ticking clock. You can constantly sense it, regardless of what you do. Please give me reassurance, and especially be honest. | OCD |
Trigger for description of intrusive thoughts.
Hi, I’m (21f) diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 2. Bipolar (diagnosed) runs in my moms side of the family family, however me and my father are convinced he has some form of ocd , so that could be part of the equation too. Ever since I can remember I’ve been riddled with anxiety and had many alienating and (to a child who didn’t understand) scary intrusive thoughts and (less so) compulsions as a child.
When I became an adolescent the problem became more depression, but I was always extremely anxious and my obsessions turned inward. when I started driving, if someone switched lanes and it was a bit close I immediately would imagine a horrible gory scene. I can’t look people in the eye without being worried that I’m going to do some sort of sexual advance like (I imagine kissing people when I first meet them but it gives me horrible anxiety). I think it has definitely contributed to my Bpd /caused it because as I got older and started dating I would obsess over peoples tone , intention, feelings etc to the point I failed classes.
All of this is super embarrassing. I’m diagnosed with bp2 bc of family history but I dont think I should be on mood stabilizers they make me very tearful and anxious. My biggest issue is anxiety and I think I need soemthing like buspar. My hs psych diagnosed me with mild ocd and ha me on Vibyrd but it gave me horrible motion sickness.
I’m afraid to tell my currnet psych that I’ve been withholding the true nature of my symptoms because I’m embarrassed. How can I approach this? I’m sure it’s a common issue with OCD due to the nature of intrusive thoughts | OCD |
tw for mention of self harm so if thats not something you can handle keep scrolling <3
idk if this is the right place to post this but i’m diagnosed with ocd and just completed therapy for that n some other shit. for a while leading up to being discharged i felt great and that i was ready to handle it on my own but now a couple weeks on i just suddenly feel really terrible? a couple of things have come up and i’m not dealing with them well and i’m constantly worrying n ruminating and i just don’t feel good. i had a s/h relapse for the first time in over a year and it all feels so unlike the person i thought i was becoming.
i’m not looking for advice or anything, i just really wanna know if this dip is normal or if i actually wasn’t as ready as i thought? | OCD |
Does anyone have any suggestions for books that have helped them fight the battle of boredom? I’ve been recently diagnosed at age 29 and the more i learn about adhd the more I see it in myself.
I am constantly bored and unsatisfied with my life. And looking back the result of being bored with life, has been going back to school countless times and changing careers countless times. I just completed my goal in my career, which was to get my journeyman ticket in welding. I have a great job, great pay, and I work with great people. But now that I finished my goal I can already tell that I’m bored of it. I love welding but my job is just agony to force myself to go to everyday.
I am looking for ways to feel satisfied in other areas of my life, so that work doesn’t feel like such a drag anymore.
Thanks in advance and sorry for rambling a bit there 😅 | ADHD |
28 yo woman here.
I have various special interests that change over time and are more or less intense.
I have a devastating one at the moment, which leads me to do absolutely nothing else and I just realized that I have not eaten for 4 days.
I only drank maybe a couple of glasses of water a day.
I live alone and nobody can cook for me. Do you have any tips to remind myself to eat?
Thank you! | aspergers |
So there was a buncha bullshit with the exam in part one and the dean of students isn't happy with how the prof handled my accommodations and wants me to make a formal complaint. I'm unsure of how much anxiety I should waste on this, but we had a lab class meeting today for the same course. }
The prof didnt show, so i was happy. we were supposed to measure the fat % of a snack, I chose peanuts because why would you want to know the fat % of a dorito or whatever.
So post Soxhlet and oven I basically have peanut oil and im like "could be good" so i taste it.
I guess what I'm saying is: after licking lab equipment(even though it was totally safe), I don't think I'm gonna have to talk to an NT for the rest of my degree.
...
:)
..? | aspergers |
I don’t know if that’s the best way to describe it. Say you feel like you’re a horrible person, usually people would ask around and ask people they know have a positive opinion of them whether they think they’re a horrible person or not. Does anyone ever ask people who don’t like you, to satisfy your obsessions rather than counter them, as a sort of self-sabotage? | OCD |
So basically everything was going alright until about 2 months ago, I've always had low self esteem and self hatred and always compared myself to other men, then I had an intrusive thought 'are you comparing yourself to these men or are you attracted to them and gay?' and that's when it started for two weeks I panicked I was gay, felt weird anxiety feelings in my stomach whenever men were on telly or I thought about them,scared I was lying to myself all these years, vomiting, hatred in myself for hurting people as it got to the point I left my girlfreind as I was scared of hurting her if I was gay, nothing against gay people at all and I wouldn't care if I was one, I know that but until then I'd never felt like one, tried constantly masturbating to gay porn to see if it did anything for me ( it did not) and I couldn't stop obsessing over it, it was uncontrollable, I knew I didn't want to do anything gay with any man, but in that moment it felt like I did even though I've never had these feelings for men before and the thought caused 'maybe you're just trying to stay in the closet' when I'd already told multiple freinds or family about it
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, and I thought i was just weird but it's happened with multiple different things, obsessing over whether I did something wrong, upset someone, hurt someone or whether I ever would hurt someone or do something bad one day, I know I never would but its like the anxiety tells me I would even though, I don't know its hard to explain and want some advice if I do sound like I'm OCD or in the closet | OCD |
Over the pas 6 months my OCD (intrusive thought) have moved around various topic, obviously all of them were disturbing but i managed to pull trough.
Recently a new topic came up, pedophilia and its pretty fucking disturbing. Its weird because i'm not even attracted to pre pubescent girls.
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anyone else experience this? | OCD |
I (28F) was diagnosed with ADHD exactly a year ago. After seeing a psychiatrist, I was put on a treatment plan that was eventually increased to Vyvanse 40mg over a course of 3 months. I wasn’t given any education on ADHD and was just put on this medication and asked to see how I felt.
Took me 6 months to realize that the medication hasn’t helped anything “click” for me - I haven’t felt a real noticeable difference apart from being able to work longer without getting up.
I take my medication in the morning, but by noon I am zoning out of conversations and meetings. Tons of tabs are constantly open, tasks are started but rarely finished unless there is an urgent deadline to motivate me. I have a terrible concept of time that still negatively impacted my work. The only reason I get away with being late all the time is because people think that I am so busy - if only they realized that I woke up two hours early to not be late but would end up on my phone until 5 minutes before a meeting. Don’t get me started on basic chores and relationships. I’ve tried talking to my previous family doctor about this but she was not comfortable with recommending a different treatment plan - because she isn’t experienced with ADHD and the medication “isn’t supposed to solve all my problems” if I am just unorganized.
Not satisfied with this, I got an ADHD coach and went to a different family doctor with an ADHD specialization. The new doctor read my diagnosis and after screening me, agreed with it. He increased my medication to Vyvanse 50 mg for two weeks. Again, I didn’t notice a change in focus. When I reported this to him and asked about trying a different brand, I was told that “then you likely don’t have ADHD, something else must be wrong” and that “Vyvanse is the most reliable brand” and anyone else that tells me differently (like my ADHD coach) is likely getting compensated to recommend another brand to me. This part isn’t true and I could just be having terrible luck with medical professionals, but I am wondering if I should see a psychiatrist again? Is there something similar to ADHD and I should be looking into another option? I’ve now talked to a few people who told me that Vyvanse 50mg should work - what am I missing? | ADHD |
The fast answer is no, but I gotta ask if anyone experience the same way the sensation.
When I'm depress and anxious , if I let it be in less than half hour , my head starts to hurt, the thoughts, the recording of every situation , bumps to fast, then the state of being half aware and the other in total pain,my head hurts, but all my body, my throat everything, feels like dying painfully, I try so many times to inflict wounds so all the noise and the pain would stop, sometimes it did... Did you experience this the same way? | depression |
I’m kinda scared not going to lie, she wants me to go to a psychiatrist first to get evaluated and see if I can be put on medication; I’m scared that if I do get put on medication I’ll be completely numb and not myself, anyone have any good experience with medication because from what I saw it’s a 50/50 chance that’ll it be good :( I’m just really nervous because I don’t want to become numb | OCD |
we have nothing imminent to worry about. we all can get our basic needs met for the most part and we don’t have to worry about wild animals coming and attacking us. and yet with all this convenience at our fingertips we’re more anxious, sad and disturbed than ever. we are in the middle of a worldwide existential crisis in a dystopian nightmare. the world is falling apart and everyone is turning on each other for the dumbest shit. but we have bullshit medical and political and societal figures telling us that it’s all in our heads and if we just exercise and happy pills it’ll fix our problems but we’re in this bullshit rat race nonetheless. nobody actually gives a fuck about you or your mental health or whether you feel fulfilled. we’re cogs in the machine. i never knew what that meant but now i do. i am truly on my ducking own. this life is disgusting and i am ashamed to call myself a human being. we are truly an invasive species | depression |
Hello everyone,
It's been almost 12 years since the incident. I was raped by my boyfriend and this thing has been affecting me all my life. I have severe depression along with anxiety. Took antidepressants for years but that didn't help much. I still get flashbacks of the incident. Even after so many years. And i honestly don't know how do i make it stop ? Is it normal ? Do any of you experience that ? I try to keep myself busy, but at the end of the days, all i have is those thoughts that keeps me awake. | depression |
I’ve not been clinically diagnosed with OCD (because to be diagnosed, I know it needs to take up a certain portion of your day before it can be considered a disorder, and it doesn’t for me), but I’ve had tendencies throughout my life that have reflected it—just not quite to that extremity.
But anyway, for over a month, I’ve got a new bad obsession where I feel this need to count syllables allll the time, and it just seems like it keeps getting worse and worse. And if I don’t do it, it feels like a bad itch I just have to scratch. And by the end of the day, with all the counting I’ve been doing, I get a massive tension headache because I’ve been constantly working my brain.
I’m mostly posting this to see if anyone else is like me in this way or if anyone has any advice—thinking I may need to see a therapist if it continues to get worse.
Thank you for reading. 💗 | OCD |
In interest of full disclosure, I do not have an OCD diagnosis (idk if its okay for me to post here or not). However, I do believe that I may have it and things have been getting worse.
I don't want to give any specifics, but I've been having some extremely sexually perverse thoughts and images in my head. This isn't the first time I've been plagued with unwanted imagery in my head, but this is the time that it bothered me so much that I made an appointment with a therapist.
I've heard of sexual obsessions and reassurance compulsions, both of which I believe I'm dealing with here. However, due to the nature of my thoughts I feel like I can't tell anyone about them because I don't want them to hate me. The only person I've told is a woman from a suicide hotline that I've been calling every night for the past two nights. Because of this, I can't get the reassurance to make me feel better like I could when I've had other "obsessions".
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Therefore, the only other way that seems to make me feel better is puking. It reminds me of an obsession that I had awhile ago. I used to be plagued with the thought that I might puke all over someone at school, and I would go ahead and puke everyday at school in private to lessen the chance of me doing it in public. I know that makes no sense, but it made me feel better.
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Now I'm in that same situation again, except this time I KNOW I can't tell anyone about what I'm thinking or what I'm afraid I am. So Instead I have to hold my need for reassurance in, and let my vomit out so I can feel better.
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Has anyone else had this specific problem? I've already puked 3 times tonight and I don't think I have any left in me. My first therapy appointment is on Wednesday and that feels so far off. I already told the lady from the suicide hotline that I'd call every night so I can feel a little reassured to last me until Wednesday. In the meantime, is there anything else I can do other than call a hotline or puke? | OCD |
okok, I know that ADHD can affect relationships such that we forget about the existence of others when they're out of sight, but that is short term (when we see them again, we will remember them and feel bad etc.)
But somehow I tend to completely forget the existence of my close friends permanently??
For one, I cant even remember 65% of my life before 14 years old...most of the memories are just trauma from being bullied since 6yrs old...hah if only I knew of ADHD then, maybe I would understand better why I always couldn't fit in.
ANYWAYS, I went into secondary school (13yrs old) and met my previous schoolmate, but we didn't really interact then (if I remember correctly)...but after a few months I found out that she was talking behind my back! I was so confused since I thought that we had never really talked before, so how could she hate me for nothing?
It was only after I went through my photo album from my previous school that I realised that in many of the photos from 3 years back, the both of us were hanging out together...yea, i found out that I had completely forgotten all the times we had spent together. No wonder she hated me for not treating her as a previously close friend, but instead as a stranger or random schoolmate...
This has happened not just once: I've forgotten at least 4 close friendships and our times spent together now, all of which I only realised after finding past conversations online or archived photos (no I still don't recall ever being close friends with them, only that they exist)
Is this a problem for anyone else? I find it so frustrating and honestly it sucks to be such a bad friendship keeper...(I tend to make friends easily but lose them quickly too) | ADHD |
I don't know who I am anymore. I am afraid of actually being cis and not trans. My whole life I wanted to be the opposite gender but transexuality was a taboo to me so I only brough the theme about transitioning to my mom once and she said do whatever you want and said no one will love you with beard and a vagina. This made me forget about the possibility of being trans. Eventually doubts about being trans came again and I started transitioning. I even cut my hair and changed my pronouns to see If I am actually transgender but it doesn't matter it is still not clear if I am transgender. The only thing I understood is that I want my hair back and get rid of this disgusting acne which makes me feel miserable. Me whole face is covered up with red spots it is very disgusting. If I were able to feel gender euphoria it wouldn't be possible due to my acne. My low self esteem makes me think I am actually not trans since I don't feel better with new pronouns (I am non binary so I kinda don't care how people treat me) nor short hair. OCD is destroying my life. I don't know who I am anymore | OCD |
I am a 16 year old individual, I am aware I have ADHD, and it doesn't bother me a whole lot, I have meds, I go to therapy. Etc. But I have a lot of interests most people would deem "cringe" or I'm "too old" for the stuff I like. I absolutely love monster high, ever after high, and bratz. I grew up with them and I am so happy to see them gaining popularity again. But I like to read the books that the series had. They're meant for elementary school kids, but they make me happy. I love the dolls, they're so simple and pretty, the entire series just makes me so happy. But I think I need to let go and act my age, these were things that younger me would love. Older me should know better than to be obsessed with a show thats from 2010
Edit: Thank you all so much for the support. Some of these comments made me cry happy tears. It feels so nice to know that people older than me had this same phase and they regret not enjoying what made them happy. So as many of you have said. Fuck em!! I'm gonna do what I like, I'll binge watch the shows as much as I like! I'll collect the dolls, they made me happy. Now if only you guys could give me as amazing financial support as you do emotional so I could buy every doll mattel made 😂 | ADHD |
There are some comedians that I don’t listen to because I never understand their jokes. In order for me to actually laugh, their jokes have to be very direct and easy for anyone to understand.
Speaking of jokes, back in high school I used to always be that one friend that never understood jokes until someone told me.
Is anyone else the same? | aspergers |
I feel like nothing is ever changing, every time I try to get better, try to get my life together, I fail. I make appointments that I can't remember (even write it down badly, many times I get wrong either the day or the hour), I ask my family for support but they don't listen. Every time when I hit my lowest then slowly get better, they always say that I should have asked them to help but when I do, they don't take it seriously. I've changed doctors many times but I couldn't trust in any of them and at this point of my life it's also just too expensive, I can't afford therapy. The pills just completely wrecked my memory too.
I get a breakdown several times of the day, and I'm at my limit again. Last time when this happened wasn't even a year ago and I got recovered physically only two month ago (lost too much weight, my hair and skin got almost irreversibly damaged, also SH), so I'm afraid that if I lose control, I can't fix it anymore, I had too many of this breakdowns in the last few years. I don't want to die but I don't see the point of living if I'm a burden. | depression |
Our house is a very early stage hoarder house. I have contamination OCD. I can't work. I have no escape, and I am so tired. I just want to leave and I can't. I'm trapped. I am miserable. I can't touch anything. I can't cook, I can't make myself a glass of water, I can't comfortably use the restroom, I can't even lay in my own bed and do nothing. My skin is so raw and hurts all the time. I am in a constant state of overwhelming anxiety. This house is consuming me. I don't even think there's any "me" left. I feel like a husk.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and have an answer, but there won't be one. I can't afford a place to stay. This is it for me. I don't have a solution. | OCD |
My son was diagnosed last year. We held off on meds because it wasn’t affecting his academic performance. This year however, he’s having trouble completing his class work which results in him bringing home more work than we can reasonably get done when you factor in his regular homework. He’s very bright and tested at or above his peers in every assessment given by the Psy-D and his MAPs at school. He doesn’t have a learning disability. He’s hyper and really struggles focusing, and he’s impulsive. Because of this, he’s also getting in minor trouble at school for his inattentiv-ness and impulsive behaviors.
In any event, we’ve decided to explore medication and his first Rx is for Straterra. I 100% do not want to give him what are basically antidepressants. As I understand it, these types of non-stimulant meds are employed after stimulants have failed to work. We haven’t tried anything else yet.
I have decided against the Straterra before I even open the bottle. I plan to ask for a stimulant medication to try first.Am I making the right decision? The wrong one? Please help me. I’m actually a little terrified.
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(we aren’t antivax. my son is fully vaccinated) | ADHD |
G'day folks,
A while ago I saw a great resource – I think for autism – that patients and parents could hand out to medical providers to educate them on how to help people with autism feel less stressed during medical procedures and hospital visits. The advice was quite simple and practical, and the idea was to get the medical staff onside with why the person might be getting stressed.
Has anyone seen anything similar for PTSD? I could really use something like this to hand to medical providers when I have to do routine stuff like x-rays or go in for surgery. Sadly, medical staff seem to be the worst at understanding or accommodating PTSD. Helpful people come at random and it's always because they have a family member with PTSD. | ptsd |
I can't shake the feeling I am not making it past this year.
Homelessness has been creeping its way up, I can't find any help through services to prevent me from being on my ass, only help for when I do. All my passions can't grow into something I can successfully live off of, and I'm not sure if I'll be retaining my day job by earning my certification. I am doomed at 30 and I can't seem to just make something work. I'm just shy of every avenue being something to benefit from.
I'm stuck at this shitty range where I'm walled off from everything and nothing I can do is working, "how did life get like this" is all I can repeatedly ask myself every fucking day of my life. 30 and no one else anywhere to really lean on to build up. I hate all of this. I feel like I haven't really been living at all. and I'm just gonna be dead by the end of all this shit.
I really regret not selling drugs. | depression |
I have experienced what I consider traumatic events in my life and recently have been becoming more aware of the reactions / physical and psychological symptoms that surface in certain circumstances / situations. I was just wondering if anyone was aware of any reliable PTSD or Emotional Trauma Screenings. | ptsd |
Long-time lurker, first-time poster. So recently I had an appointment with the PCP and towards the end, I mentioned how I was having some potential symptoms of ADHD and I wanted a referral to get tested for it. They give that to me no problem, and then I am able to use that to find a psychiatrist who's in-network for my insurance. So far, so good. ...And then the psychiatrist's office tells me that I actually need to see a psychologist for an in-person evaluation (they're only doing telehealth rn on account of, you know...). So now I'm stuck trying to figure out where to go from here. What is the best way to find someone who is able to give you a proper diagnosis? I'm not sure what the right search term is, or if there are any tools that I can use to help find the resources I need. | ADHD |
I’m such a useless fucking loser. How come I can’t get any kind of useful fucking job or internship or this that the other fucking thing and my resumé looks like a piece of dog shit and I have a useless fucking degree? I’m twenty-five-thousand dollars in debt making fifteen-hundred a month, homeless, paying credit card interest, and I hate my fucking job with a passion and I want to break shit but I can’t and I’m burning petroleum and plastic and I can’t stop or else I’d probably go to jail for vagrancy. I don’t own a fucking island in the Sound. More importantly, I never learned how to be pretentious and so I can’t get by in California. People here don’t know to deal with people who aren’t pretentious. They just ignore us because we haven’t learned to make money so they don’t have to look at us. I’m still having nightmares about the goddamned ex-girlfriend. I’ve never dated someone who felt like real life. They always feel like fake life. You speak words and they go in one ear out the other and she looks at you like you’re probably a misogynist or a rapist because you don’t know to talk pretentious and you make art and it sucks and she hates you because you aren’t perfect, and she isn’t perfect either, but she doesn’t have to be, and you do have to be, cause you’re a fucking hipocrit and you’re useless and you’ll never have enough money to be married or to matter to anybody because you’re a loser and you’re worthless and you’re unconfident in interviews because you’ve been used to being stepped on your entire life and told that you’re useless so you smoke a lot of weed and then at least you feel like you’re living in the moment, even though the moment is the end of the world and nobody cares about humans, only dollars, and you have no dollars, and you arne’t very beautiful either, and you tell other people that they are but they do not care because you have no dollars and so your words mean nothing, and you’re unconfident in interviews because you have no dollars and you need them; you’re in debt and rich people are hunting you, they want to kill you, and chop you up and feed you to your ex-girlfriend because she has money and is beautiful like her new man, and you are useless and will die alone, and you will go to hell because you are not perfect. You have eaten meat so you will go to hell; and she eats meat too but she will not go to hell because she is woman and woman is flawless and you are disposable man who goes to hell because he is ugly and poor, and is exactly the same as rich man who goes to heaven except that rich man has money so he goes to heaven and is called useful and is respected and is considered marketable and great and he is allowed to get married and everybody loves him, most especially his wife, unless she is a bitch in which case she has an affair and then both people are reborn and do it all over again. Once, they might be reborn as you, and live to have this realization, that life is death and suffering and there is no way out. But you sit here thinking about yourself, because you are evil, and you feel bad for yourself, because you are useless, and you remember the way people have told you not to feel bad for yourself, so you work hard, and you remain in debt, and you get old and hate yourself and want very badly to live your life and speak to beautiful people, but they hate you because you are odious and sad and you drink; you drink very much and try to survive because you have been weighing suicide in your mind for a very long time and want to stick knives in your gut to feel something other than burning rage and the desire to cry when you cannot actually cry; you want to die to escape debt-slavery or debtors-prison, or else to have for one brief moment your own life in your hands for the very first time and not in somebody else’s hands, and furthermore because you understand that as metaphysical beings we exist truly only in relation to each other and that you are not in a good relation to anybody but only bad relations, because when you dream of your ex-girlfriend you feel pain and envy and other horrible things and you know spiritually that she feels these things and reciprocates them across time and space, and you feel no good things for anybody, only loss and pain and deep love that is flavored like remorse and not like joy, because you are sad and useless and you must surely die soon or else escape. Oh to sail away to sandy lands and other days. To assume a new name and a new face and escape from the debtors who want to kill you. To start over on a foreign shore where nobody knows your name and where women do not hate you for your poverty. But everybody knows your name. You cannot escape from state-surveillance and identity-theft. Everybody knows where you are and what you’re doing and what you’re saying and what you’re thinking, even in foreign lands. There is no escape, except for being born wealthy. You might administrate a business, but businesses do not like you because you are ugly and poor and so they will not let you administrate them. You might sing songs, but people will not buy your music because they are also poor, and moreover because they can read your mind and they hate you. You are Satan. I am Satan. I am you. I am that which I am. You see, I think too much and so I am no good for work; when I work I want to escape and I want to die because I enjoy the good things in life so much that I want other people to enjoy them as well (because I love them) and in speaking truth and love I am become evil incarnate, betray the secret of mana, and anger woman who is flawless and not disposable like man because I have failed entirely to be pretentious, and therefore must be killed and go to hell where I belong because I am useless and ugly. | depression |
I distinctly remember one time, back when I was in law school, I was at a small family party with my boyfriend and as it was still pretty early in the evening, I decided to knock out some reading. One of his friends asked me how TF could I read with all that noise around me. I’d never really had to describe it before then, but it made me realize that certain kinds of external stimuli (“background noise”) act as physical blinders for my brain, forcing it to keep a strong, narrow focus on whats in front of me. This is also why I cannot read/work in complete silence; without enough stuff going on to force my brain to tune it all out, then every single itty bitty sound or intrusive thought becomes 1000x amplified in the silence. It cant be just anything in the background, though. It’s gotta be something familiar, something that I dont have to give a second thought to. This usually comes in the form of the same exact Spotify playlist over and over, or one of my favorite syndicated sitcoms playing in the background, or I guess it’s a group of close friends & family at a party… and I usually super hate parties with lots of people. Overstimulation + rsd + social fatigue is real = not my ideal environment.
Can anybody else relate or have any other, similar experiences? | ADHD |
just had my first appt w a psychiatrist and was prescribed lexapro for my anxiety & ocd. was curious if anyone else has taken it and what their experience has been with it? | OCD |
Okay, so I started exposure therapy 5 days ago, and I understand that it’s going to suck, but oh man, it sucks. It’s raised my base level anxiety from around 30 to a 50. I feel like I can’t catch my breath, and that’s even on days where I only have one low level activity. Mindfulness is barely helping. My usual coping strategies only work in the moment and my anxiety returns as soon as I stop doing them. I know it’s worth it in the long run, but I kinda miss the days of blissful ignorance. | ptsd |
For many years I've been holding things up and keeping my problems on my own, I think I'm gonna reach my limit, I can't hold on anymore. I don't wanna share this to anybody coz i think they'll use it against me. | depression |
So one of my accomplishments (unsure if this can be considered one) is that I have a cactus that should have died ages ago but is doing great.
When I say it should be dead it’s for many reasons, some of which are :
- I rarely water it and when I do it is old water that I can’t drink because I have left it in the bottle for too long. Sometimes it’s old sparkling water too.
- (edit: I also forget about the cactus so although I do water it with gross old water it’s not very often. I probably sometimes overwater it too)
- it has fallen on the floor many times, usually because of my cat or when I am rushing to get to work and accidentally hit it off my drawer. It even has some hair on it from the previous time it fell over.
- my room is not sustainable. Very messy. The cactus is actually a bit dusty. I rarely open my windows because I’m scared of spiders and get cold easily because of my meds.
- lots of negativity in the room too x <3
- not much sunlight either because I sleep in a lot so my curtains are closed.
My theory is that this cactus is one that is growing full of poison and death and will be what causes human extinction. | ADHD |
If you have a survey you would like to share with us, you may do so here, please use the following format. Failure to do so will result in your survey being removed. Surveys not posted in here will result in a ban, the length of which will be decided at mods' pleasure.
**Who I am**: (Student, Researcher)
**Affiliation**: (university, company)
**Target group**: (PTSD sufferers, military vets)
**Compensation**: (raffle, payment)
**Link**: (how to access survey)
**Background**: (why are you doing this survey? Bachelor thesis, making a website)
**Link to results**: (Optional, for when the survey is completed) | ptsd |
Soo for context in Poland the government started to vaccinate people over 16. And I was the first in my school and even first youngster in vacation point. I just wanted to share this happy moment with you. Stay safe! | aspergers |
Okay. So my OCD attack occurred whenever I caught feelings for this girl. And my OCD is telling me that I caught feelings for this girl because of what my OCD was attached to. And now my heart wants her but my OCD is telling me I can’t date her because my OCD is telling me because I fist-bumped someone who is attached to my OCD, right then and there I caught feelings because of it. Please. Someone help. | OCD |
Hey. For the past few weeks all I can think about is gender. My OCD can't focus on anything else but the gender of the people I'm interacting with. When I play music, I focus on the gender of the singer. When I'm watching a movie, my mind fixates on the gender of the actor/actress. This is completely pointless since I don't care what their gender is, I just want to stop fixating on it 24/7. It's driving me fucking insane. | OCD |
So I don't know where I should ask or what I should ask. Work (especially the pressures from our current manager) is currently having a negative impact on my mental health. My work are aware I have anxiety and OCD as I'm very open about it. I've been told things will be fixed when ive struggled with a specific thing (rotas) they weren't which caused me a lot of distress and was told it can't be changed ignore it. Then when another thing happened (sudden unexpected changed to something I had planned and set) and I explained afterwards the impact this had and was pretty much dismissed. Then today been told off for how I set things been told that I was already told things (I wasn't) and the last 10mins of the day where I had computer issues when switching off I was told off for taking to long to do things (I do extra work because I've got a specialist role that can require a lot more extra work). My health in no way limits how good I am at my job (although she is currently making me feel like I'm shit at it) its just I have methods in place to help support me in everyday life. | OCD |
I know that I'm not the only member of this sub who truly struggles on the 4th...I just wanted to say a huge "THANK YOU"! to everyone here...when my meds, earplugs & white noise machine weren't helping, I was able to come here & talk with people who were sharing my struggle. I am not exaggerating when I say that y'all saved my life the other night & I will be eternally thankful for each & every one of you. Y'all validated my emotions, made me feel safe/cared about & honestly, that meant the world to me. ❤️ | ptsd |
For those who struggle with this do you ever feel like the moment you get fixated in something that bothers you thag you start to see it everywhere? | OCD |
I'm a nursing assistant, and I worked during the first wave of covid, which is how I ended up with ptsd.
Now I'm having car issues and haven't been able to drive out of town in months. I haven't been able to visit my family or my hometown. So for months, I've been back with my feelings of dread pre vaccine when I couldn't visit my family, couldn't travel, and was generally sequestered to my room in my shared apartment. It's horrible. I can't even talk with my mom on the phone, because I just get filled with uncontrollable anxiety, that this might be the last time I get to talk to my mom before I get sick and die, and it'd just be a phone call. I won't just to hug them again, or see the home I grew up in.
I fucking hate that I can't ever tell what's going to trigger me or pull me back, and I've never experienced it like this before where it's this long term terror that just never goes away. | ptsd |
So, I got diagnosed in 1st grade and for the longest time never thought much of it. Recently however, it feels like it’s been hitting me so much harder and my dad (who was diagnosed a very long time ago) doesn’t get that my shortcomings really aren’t in my control. And it’s *so fucking frustrating.*
I get up late and struggle to get ready on time and the only advice I get is “I should’ve gotten up earlier” Well, I *did* get up earlier and spent that extra time on YouTube, feeling anxious that I was unable to stop scrolling through my feed.
I procrastinate on a task because I find something immediately more interesting and do that instead, and inevitably I am yelled at for not just doing the thing I was supposed to, according to him all you need to do is “drop what you’re doing” and treat X thing as your highest priority. Like, really??? It’s absolutely infuriating seeing him deal with similar problems and still not get how I’m unproductive for the exact same reasons.
*I understand* that I’m not as functional as others, but how is yelling at me, walking off, and complaining about how lazy I am under your breath supposed fix that?!?!
And when I confront him about it the justification he gives is that he’s “preparing me for the outside world” because my future hypothetical boss is also going to yell at me, call me lazy, and then proceed to fire me.
He raises his voice whenever he gets even marginally upset and he has been for years, but it’s only more recently that I found this behavior fucking insufferable. It just gets on my nerves that he thinks acting like this is supposed to help in any way.
He thinks that because he has ADHD and can function that I’m expected to be exactly as productive as he is. And when I predictably don’t meet those expectations what does he do? Yells some more. Because that’s gonna help me so much, *right?*
I don’t want to keep fucking going like this, every time he gets mad it feels like he thinks I do all of this deliberately. Like I slack off and genuinely don’t care when something doesn’t get done, instead of me literally just forgetting what I was asked to do because I was focusing on something else when I was asked. Like I feel no remorse when I suffer serious consequences for missing a deadline, and to really drive home that *I fucked up* he decides to complain and yell it.
It feels like he can’t possibly fathom how I might find things more difficult than he does, and I really hate that.
I’m so tired of all of this. | ADHD |
I guess I should start from the very beginning. Ever since I was young, I’ve always had a weird concept of what “love” and “affection” meant. No one had ever had a crush on me first, it would always be me who ended up falling for them, just because they were doing something as simple as being nice to me. I never viewed it as them just trying to be a nice person, I always took it as them being interested in me. As embarrassing as it sounds, I still have this issue to this day. I can never separate being friendly as being interested, and it always seems to put me in hot water. I am a very very sensual person. Like, more than normal. I can’t really pinpoint the exact reason why I’m like this, but there is one incident from my childhood that may be the underlining reason of it but I’m not completely sure. Though, I believe that my very first relationship may be the cause as well. It was in middle school, and he was uh, very interested in my body to say the least. Long story short, I quickly began to believe that my self worth was tied only to my body/being sexual, and like my lack of understanding that just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean that they are interested in you, I carry that mindset with me to this day. My idea of “flirting” was to tease people and as gross as it sounds I genuinely thought that that would be the only way that they would be interested in me. Anyways, on to the current situation.
When my friend and I started to get close to each other, it was around the time that I was getting over another crush that I had, and it just felt nice to actually communicate to someone who actually seemed to be interested in me. After a lot of consideration, I decided to admit it to him and he said that he would like to see how it goes. Honestly, it was the happiest that I felt in a while, and I admit now that I reacted pretty over the top when it happened, to the point of announcing it the time it happened even though he seemed uneasy about it being out so soon. The next night, we had a call together and things escalated very quickly, and I believe it’s my fault that it did in the first place. I was just so excited that we were together, and I tried showing it the only way I knew how, and looking back at it now, he seemed very uncomfortable with it, but I took it as him being nervous because he had never done something like that before with someone. The next day, no surprise, he told me that he didn’t think that we would work out together and of course like an idiot, I got upset because once again I ruined something that would’ve been great because I couldn’t control my impulses. The fact that he even wanted to stay close friends with me was a shock because I honestly didn’t believe that I still deserved to be his friend after what had happened. As terrible as it sounds, I don’t really take rejection well, and after he had made it quite clear that he wasn’t interested in me like that, I still continued to ask him if we could try again. He said no, and we continued our friendship, with me still having a bit of feelings towards him. As selfish as it sounds, a part of me wanted to convince him that we could try again, and that I could redeem myself for what I did that night during our call. But it was clearly obvious that he had only seen me as a close friend, and I should’ve just accepted that and moved on. But I didn’t, and that’s what led to what happened a few weeks ago.
I’m really ashamed of myself for letting this happen in the first place, and I can’t call myself a good and understanding friend because I was able to do something this awful to someone. This is no excuse, but whenever I get panicky, I tend to have a harder time controlling my impulses. I usually take medication in order to help me with this, but I haven’t been taking them as much as I should have. I am now, and I refuse to just stop taking them like that again. The day that I did this, I was panicking because I felt so alone, and I felt that I would never find someone that was right for me. No matter what I did or what I tried, I always ended up alone and feeling stupid. Like previously mentioned, this was a huge act on impulse, and the more I thought about it it could have definitely been seen as a “final resort” decision, but I decided to dm my friend and try to “tease” him a bit. I asked him if he would be interested in trying something out with me, kind of like a friends with benefits thing, and he proceeded to send me a long dm explaining that he was tired of me repeatedly not getting the hint that he would never see me that way, and that the best thing to do was to burn bridges with me. This reaction was very understandable of course. I mean, who the hell wants a dm like that from someone who they repeatedly told that they weren’t interested in them like that. I apologized tremendously, but the action had already been done at that point, and I had officially lost a great friend over me being selfish and stupid. A day later, he dmed me telling me that he was uncomfortable being around me, and that he tried to overlook what happened but he just couldn’t. He then proceeded to remove me from his server, and I also ended up being removed from another server as well. I feel truly awful about what went down, and he had since blocked me from his social media accounts. The more I thought about it, I basically did sexually harass him since I knew that he wasn’t interested in me, and yet I still thought that I could “change his mind” in a way. I still feel sick to my stomach about what I did, and even if we never rekindle our friendship again, I just want to make sure that this never happens to anyone else again, so I will do what I have to do to make that happen. After all of this happened, I began to feel suicidal and I just believe that I don’t deserve to live after what happened. I made someone close to me feel uncomfortable with my actions, and I just don’t believe that I should be allowed to be around anyone after this.
TLDR: I basically sexually harassed one of my closest friends and now I feel like I don’t deserve to live after it. | OCD |
Some background: My assault happened when I was in a different town to visit a dying family member and went to get drinks to de-stress.
Then after I had to go to a funeral, and then over the next two months I had 2 more for another family member and a close friend who died suddenly to either suicide or an overdose.
Today I was doing really well, and have been doing well during all this COVID stuff, and then I logged online to find out a friend had his uncle passed away to COVID.
After I read that I knew he was on a Zoom call with a bunch of friends, and I wanted to be there for him. But...I couldn't find the energy to get online and be supportive. I started feeling agitated, scared and feeling like I did last year.
​
I guess...It made all my memories of what happened last year come up to the surface. Just to see someone else die, even if I didn't know them.
​
I wanted to be supportive for my friend.. but I couldn't do anything but go sit in my room and stare at my laptop screen for 2 hours and try to distract myself from crying and try hard to not drink or smoke and just breathe. I still feel like I'm kind of shaking. I didn't think just hearing about a death would trigger this. I thought it would just be something that reminds me of the actual assault.
​
I kind of hate myself even more because all I wanted to do was be there and be supportive of someone who lost a family member of their own. But I couldn't. And I know they are just home alone because of the lockdown. It makes me feel even worse about myself, like I'm not just some guy with PTSD, but a bad friend that I couldn't just suck it up.
I don't know what I am going to do if anyone else dies and I get like this again. All I want to do is be there for my friends...and now I don't know if I ever will be there for them when it counts.
For anyone who is a combat vet and/or had others die as a part of your PTSD event or happen around it...I don't know how you do it. If just seeing that someone I didn't know died is a trigger for a cascade of emotions and flashbacks I can only imagine what it must be like for you.
I hope everyone is staying safe. | ptsd |
I've had it with the hyper-polarized state of human society that's been brought on by the culture war that's been raging over the last several years. It feels like you're only allowed to be on one side or the other, and that if you're not perfect by one group's standards, then you're automatically their enemy.
Lefties annoy me, conservatives annoy me, NTs annoy me, aspies annoy me, boomers annoy me, and zoomers annoy me. I've butted heads with all of them at some point, and the only way I can fit into any group is if I lie about who I really am and what I stand for.
I'm sick of being told what I am and am not allowed to like. I'm sick of being made to feel like a fucking monster when I focus on my own issues instead of paying attention to how the whole world is seemingly going to hell in a handbasket. I'm sick of having to take a stance on things. I'm sick of not being able to just live and be myself and not be bothered about shit.
I miss the 2000s and the early 2010s, back when the world felt like a saner place, people were more likely to get along, and you weren't expected to have an opinion on things or be some kind of goddamn role model.
I need to get my ass off Twitter. Reddit's been easier to manage because you can unsubscribe from subreddits and tailor your experience more easily, but Twitter's build around goddamn algorithms, and people take it more personally when you unfollow them or kick them off your follow list.
I need a fucking drink.
EDIT: I will say this; if there's one thing Twitter has over Reddit, it's that blocking people on there actually does something. It keeps people from reading and replying to your posts, whereas on Reddit, all it does is hide their posts from you and prevent them from DMing you.
Reddit would be much better if blocking people worked the way it does on Twitter, because Reddit can also be extremely toxic IME. The fact that Reddit is organized into discrete sections is nice, but it still has its own elitist, holier-than-thou culture, and the voting system causes popular opinions to heavily drown out unpopular opinions.
So yeah, the problem isn't just Twitter **it's Reddit too, and social media as a whole.** | aspergers |
Hello people, I (F/22) am currently looking up tips to manage ADHD ( I'm diagnosed) and I often see related posts to Autism. I can identify myself with a lot of these symptoms like living in my own world, always wearing headphones in crowded places, crying as a child when something was too loud (what wasn't loud at all), not being good with emotions and empathy and more.
I'm wondering if this is because of my ADHD (ADD) or if I'm maybe autistic?
Does anyone has experience with autism and ADHD? Can I develop autism more as an adult?
As a child my ADHD was hyperactive, now it's more add. | ADHD |
hi everyone my doctor have prescribed me strattera i took it for 3m 40mg dose it almost killed me i didnt sleep didn't eat and started barely breathing living like zombie, i eat my meals and vomiting half of it, i told him the results, he insisted that i should take it for at least for 6 months i have developed suicidal thoughts with this medication i was okay before it , i quite talking to him he didn't cared, it was the worst 3 Months ever, | ADHD |
So anyone have suggestions for how to get rid of brain fog/help with my memory. In the past I've always forgotten small things like keys, phone, etc but since having my third kid, I feel like there is just no more room left in my brain to remember things...there is no staying power, it's like my brain is coated in a non-stick spray and everything slides off.
I'm medicated and focus/attention and productivity has improved by it's like there is no power left in the memory sector of my brain. | ADHD |
I'm sick of saying/typing PTSD. I've had a therapist and a psychologist tell me I'm highly intelligent, yet I often come off as an idiot, either on Reddit, other websites, or in real life. Even though my entire life has been an abysmal failure, I also want to think that I'm highly intelligent. I also want to blame PTSD irritable over noises, poor concentration, and bad memory. | ptsd |
Hi, I’m 17yr (f) and I was formally diagnosed with ASD when I was 16yrs. I’m the first ASD person in my family and hadn’t even heard of ASD before my diagnosis so I’ve spent the last year learning about ASD and what it looks like for me.
There is one ‘symptom’ that I’m unsure about, I’m unsure whether this is an ASD symptom or if it’s a comorbid condition.
I can’t pinpoint when this started but I think I was 13yrs as that is when SH started. I have cycles of extreme low mood, I’ve recently started tracking them and on average they are 50 days apart and last between 8-11 days. A few days leading up to these cycles I begin to feel low, then it feels like a switch is flicked and I feel extremely low have ST and can’t imagine feeling any other way. Through this cycle my mood isn’t consistently extremely low, I quickly switch between feeling extremely low and feeling ‘ok’. By ‘ok’ I don’t mean happy, it feels like baseline but not my normal baseline if that makes sense? When I switch to feeling ‘ok’ I feel like I was being very dramatic and I can’t remember what it was like to feel that way. I’m aware that I felt extremely low and had ST and possibly SH but I don’t remember what that felt like despite it happening just moments or minutes earlier. The next 3-5 days after this cycle I’m emotionally drained but I feel my normal baseline again. It’s taken me a while to start tracking these lows because after it’s happened it feels like it’s never happened and I kind of forget about it. These lows started to feel more cyclical around 15yrs and the lows have gotten worse in intensity as the years have gone on. Ive tried 5 different antidepressants all of which had no effect aside from the last one I tried (Effexor) which made me incredibly nauseous less than an hour after taking it, it also made my head feel busier but nothing extreme. Ive been researching to see whether this is connected to my ASD for months but I’ve found nothing. If anyone experienced something similar I’d be extremely grateful if you could reply. I’m happy to answer questions if that would be helpful. I’m extremely grateful for any advice, thank you for taking the time to read this.
I forgot to mention, but I know that this isn’t burnout or sensory overload since these 3 things look so different for me. These lows are cycles whereas sensory overload and burnout only happen when triggered. During sensory overload and burnout I don’t have ST or SH, these things only happen during this low cycle. I have a family history of MDD (grandparents) however I’m not sure if that would look different for me since I’m autistic (I’m the first person in my family to be autistic.) My first question though was whether this is an ASD symptom and whether any other autistic people have this. If anyone diagnosed with both ASD and MDD feel this resonates with how MDD affects you I’d really appreciate it if you could comment. | aspergers |
Long story short , i met my girlfriend over the internet and we became emotionally attached to each other , it's been 1.5 years till now . And i love her to death but now I can't marry her as her fucking parents are not allowing her to marry me because I'm kind of less richer than them ??? Wtf is wrong with this society .
Yep its over because in our culture and the society i live in ,its necessary for parents to he agreed as well which they are not from her side . I can't even cope with this emotionally . The fear of losing her is driving me crazy as I'm afraid i will never find someone like her . She was an ideal partner anyone would want but I just can't get over the fact that she is not mine anymore i have so many memories . Im crying the whole time since this all happened , i just don't know what to do or how to deal with this loss .my world just shattered right in front of my eyes . I just can't explain how terrible i felt it was just like someone took away the ground underneath me . The thoughts of the promises we made , the future we planned , the sweet talk we did oh man it hurts .
The only thing that is bothering me the most is me debating with my self about if i will be able to find someone unique just like her who loved me so much . My brain cannot accept this loss . If anyone knows any coping ways to deal with this please do share .
I already suffer from chronic pain , migraines and I'm diagnosed with clinical depression by a neurologist I can't take medication to feel ok i get terrible terrible side effects from it . | depression |
I am not religious neither did I grow up consistently practicing a religion of any kind, but one thing I've noticed I do is a sort of "karma" type thought process. I think something awful and negative, I try and tell myself it's not going to happen and that its dumb, and then because I brush it off or say it won't happen I get anxiety that it WILL happen because I said that it wouldn't. This thought process is applied to many things, just slightly different in each scenario. For example; a family member being gone for a bit longer than expected and most cases everything is fine and I tell myself its unrealistic to get freaked out everytime and that everything is okay, but now that I've said everything is okay, all of a sudden it will happen. There's no way to console myself after I get this way, I just get stuck in a spiral of "what-ifs" and usually, that just means "it will happen".
Is this neccesarily an OCD thing? Or just anxiety in general? | OCD |
Hi everyone! This is my first Reddit post so please bear with me. I’m a 20F who was diagnosed with OCD five years ago. My OCD has been centered around contamination and germs for as long as I remember. Examples include showering for over two hours with a specific routine, not wearing clothes that touched the ground because they were contaminated, repetitive hand washing, avoiding items that I thought were dirty, etc. I tried exposure therapy, but it wasn’t beneficial. In addition, I am on medication which was really helpful in reducing my compulsions and intrusive thoughts. I recently upped the dosage.
However, as of the last year, something has changed… My room is an absolute mess and I completely stopped showering. I’ve accepted that I’ll never be clean and everything is dirty. The thought of cleaning or showering is draining because it’ll never be right and it’s a cycle. I’d rather be germy and filthy than go through the mental anguish that is tied with my compulsions.
I feel like I can’t talk about this with anyone because it’s disgusting. I’m disgusting. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know how to motivate myself to continue self care and I don’t know what treatment I need. Any advice is appreciated. | OCD |
tw POCD / sexual thing
TLDR: when i was young i saw a baby’s penis and thought it looked weird. i didn’t feel attraction to the kid or the penis but i was curious as to why it looked the way it was and i remember i kept trying to look at it again and being confused at why it looked like that. i’m scared that makes me a monster and a pedo. once again i don’t recall and still don’t feel any sort of sexual attraction associated with the situation but instead curiosity about private parts if that makes sense. like i didn’t think of wanting to do anything sexual then, i just wanted to look at them because they looked weird. i have no idea if that even makes sense
i was diagnosed with ocd when i was 12 or 13 and i’ve had many severe symptoms since before that in my childhood, such as contamination & injury. looking back and talking to my therapist makes me realize how much of my childhood behaviors were rooted in anxiety and ocd.
my culture and parents were sexually conservative and even private part talk was taboo.
i always had normal attractions (as in i want to date people around my age or older). if i like someone younger theyre always only a year younger than me, but i mostly like older people and know this for a fact. i only started overthinking everything in February, before i never felt like i had any attractions to kids or anything and dated normally and even had crushes , relationships and celebrity crushes too.
i remember crushing on older celebrities as a kid so i guess that confirms i’m not a pedo but this one event haunts me.
idk if some of it is a false memory. i know i didn’t touch any kid or even feel attracted to the child, i was just mind boggled by why penises looked like that. i’m horrified at those thoughts years later and now i’m scared i don’t deserve love and that i’m a child molesting p*do.
i’m so afraid, i just wish i was dead right now, i can’t deal with these thoughts any longer. i want everything to be normal again, now i can’t open up to anyone because i’m scared they’ll think i’m a horrible monster, which is what i feel like about myself | OCD |
Throwaway because I’m embarrassed. Nails, skin, pimple pus, scabs, pretty much anything that comes off or out of my body, I eat. And if I don’t, it makes me nervous. If I’m picking at my cuticles and pull a piece off and someone is there so I can’t eat it, I legit feel anxious about throwing it on the ground. Sometimes I will collect them while I’m talking to someone and then slyly eat it when they leave.
I know it’s gross. I’m not asking for people to say “ThAtS sO gRoSs HoW cOuLd YoU dO tHaT?” I am asking for help. Or advice. Or even just other people saying I do that too. Why do I do this? Why does it affect me so badly? | OCD |
I've typed three different versions of this post and always thought "Too long Clanky. too looong!" before I've even finished them, so I'll try and be more brief.
I recognize that in the cosmic scheme of things this battle is largely unimportant and I've got far dumber hills that I fully intend to die on, but when it was one guy who took a 30 year old term and basically said "It's not depression, it's ADHD!", it gets kind of exhausting how much misinformation and gatekeeping he caused.
Between the original 1980 use and Dodson co-opting the term in 2006, the generalized subject of rejection sensitivity was studied, researched, documented, published, and found to be an issue in multiple conditions, disorders, and traumas - including but not limited to ADHD; yet when he came and declared it to only be an ADHD thing, too many people doggedly adhered to the belief that he was right.
Kinda funny that, while there's research that will cite Dodson's articles, this year finally saw a research article published that specifically named rejection sensitive dysphoria as one of the issues experienced by the subjects... And it wasn't even in an article about ADHD - [it was about eating disorders in autism](https://www.scivisionpub.com/abstract-display.php?id=1587).
I could argue with the AutoModerator about other things in its current comment on RSD, but for the humans: If you think adding "dysphoria" - a word that the DSM essentially defines as a condition of being depressed, discontent, or indifferent - justifies relegating the application of RSD solely to ADHD, that's just... Absolutely silly.
Imagine saying the PTSD still only applied to combat vets. Better yet, since RSD isn't a disorder or syndrome but rather a symptomological hypernym, imagine saying that *only* combat vets with PTSD (or rather, shellshock) could experience psychological "triggers" - seeing as it's a term that evolved and was essentially applied solely to them for ~40+ years. | ADHD |
it hits in waves and then vanishes just to ambush once again, feeling so bad rn wish I had someone to hug but nay ofcourse the only human I ever loved is a God damn asshole and dumped me btw, well what makes him an absolute cunt you may ask well let me tell you, he came back to me only to dump me 4 fucking months I missed this asshole just for him to contact me and dump me a week later, but funny enough it's not the core of my depression and pain the core is the lose of my dog the first creature that made me feel anything, I miss her so much, I loved her more than anything in this world, and now all I do is try to find someone who will make me feel like I'm home like I can just be me, so far all was in vain, suicidal thoughts won't stop emerging, because it will solve everything as soon as I'm dead no pain no memories no sadness no feelings just an eternal moment of darkness and the fact that it's so easy just cut in the right place it doesn't make it easy but the stupid hope of mine that maybe just maybe if I survive another day just one more day and it repeats over and over again disappointment stress and the cold empty feeling in my heart | depression |
I feel like I have to end relationships because I’m too unpredictable and my disorder is too much to ask someone to handle. When I’m in a better spot, I can full engage and be normal, but in times like now where it’s consuming my life I don’t feel like someone should have to support me and the people I date don’t know how. At the same time loneliness makes my disorder worse so I don’t know where the balance is.
Does anyone else relate? How do you deal with it? | OCD |
How do you handle it? Are you not worried about causing glaucoma or something worse?
I think my main issue is that I have zero support network, so if I fuck something up (like put it in backwards because I'm stressed or what not).... I could injure myself.
Have you guys been grown up enough to deal with floaters, deteriorating eye sight and so on by wearing contacts (I'm thinking about getting contacts with built in 'shades' to take the edge off both too much sunlight, and the damn floaters in my vision).
Please advice if you have any experience with any of the mentioned. | aspergers |
so i was playing games but in the middle of it i thought of jerking off, but before i moved to my bed i went out of my room to get water, but then i had to talk to my mom to get medicine, anyway i feel weird doing it after talking to her, that i started having intrusive thoughts about her during, which hurts me and is alo weird cause im gay so that weird.
i also got into shota stuff aswell and im going to have intrusive thoughts about that. so great yay, fuck this disease. | OCD |
I love my daughter and would do anything for her, so I stay. If something had happened, if I'd had a miscarriage instead, I would have taken my life already. My husband tries so hard to undo the emotional damage he did to me with his addiction to other women's nudes. But I'm so ugly I don't deserve to exist. He deserves someone more attractive. He should have his big titty goth girl he wants. Instead he's just got me. And I know he loves me, emotionally, but physically I know I'm not what he wants. I'm fine because he's married to me and this is the only body he is *allowed* to touch, but I'm not what he craves. I almost wish I could open the marriage, one sided, so he could go sleep with the beautiful women he wants and stop wasting his time with the AliExpress version (me).
Of course he tells me that isn't true. I almost think he believes it, too. But honestly how tf could he. I know what he sees when he looks at me and it's literally not a pretty sight. | depression |
This will be short, and specific. 37/M
I was finally diagnosed a month ago, I started on 30mg vyvance, now it’s up to 40.
The voice in my head is quiet, I can focus on the tasks at hand but…
- I still get distracted.
- I find It difficult to return to projects if I leave them, although I can now laser focus it does not mean I will drive to completion every time.
- Forget to do many things throughout the day
- I feel even more distant from friends and family than before medication, and I believe it’s because I don’t have that little voice in my head any longer.
- I’m finding it difficult to “stick to it” at my job, I want to quit and the fear I use to feel is gone.
Any opinions, suggestions? | ADHD |
I have a pinched nerve in my back, its making my entire body numb and I keep
getting intrusive thoughts that i'm going to leave it like that on purpose and not get help for it. And then i start to freak out, sounds silly but i think the stress im dealing with , is making the thoughts worse | OCD |
The first time, some lady called and left a voicemail from her personal cell. Then the second time, it was the 833 number. On the voicemail she stated that she was going to terminate my benefits and then said to call back before Monday. So I did and it lead me to her voicemail that asked for full name, number and SSN, which I thought was strange. In short, we spent 30 minutes on the phone going back and forth. I’m not sure if it’s a scam but my dad thinks it is. Does anyone know of this kinda stuff happening? I don’t think I’ve ever received a personal phone call from them…I was very frustrated on the phone and she seemed to just say the same things over and over again.
Thanks for your help! | aspergers |
have experienced traumatic events involving police? | ptsd |
(Apologies in advance if this is reassurance seeking; going through some stuff I know will pass but just suffering atm.)
Whenever I have a near-miss event (or think I was close to having one), I start to ruminate (as I'm doing now) about what would have happened if things went worse. Not in a "is there an afterlife" sense but more "what happens to those I've left behind", ranging from thinking about loved ones to coworkers in terms of how they'd cope and move on and even wondering how long it'd take them to notice and figure stuff out. Also, I do research to figure out whether something was indeed a near-miss if there was any ambiguity (which doesn't help but I do it regardless...). Do these things happen to anyone else, and if so, do you have any tips?
(I am going to an OCD specialist so I hope to get better in the coming weeks but I know it's going to take me some time to get better and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do in the meantime. Also I know rumination is a compulsion but it's hard to "just stop" since my brain is primed to solve problems and do research for better or worse.) | OCD |
As a point of reference, I inferred when I was young even at the time that teachers would seat “disruptive” (read: neurodiverse) students near people with (perceivable) calmer dispositions in an attempt to “correct” the “disruptive” behavior. Often this took on an unpleasantly gendered component: the “disruptive” student was often a guy and the person placed often against their will in the role of animal-handler (let’s be real, that’s how teachers/school staff saw things) was often a girl. There are a lot of problems with the cultural logic behind this but I’d rather not go there right now.
This often went unspoken but it was very obvious and all it did was result in two or more people who were incompatible as a team having to put up with each other. I honestly felt really bad for the other person/people who happened to be mandated to put up with me.
It also taught you that you were like some kind of caged creature in captivity that had to be watched and imo created a lot of skepticism and doubt as to whether it was possible to form a real friendship down the road and whether friendships formed as an adult weren’t moved by some similarly twisted pattern.
Did anyone else here have this experience and came away with similar conclusions? | aspergers |
So a couple of nights ago I called the doctor because I've been having significant mental problems since my last trauma (outbursts, dissociation, high temper and borderline agoraphobia) which are completely uncharacteristic for me. With some hesitance on his part (I am already on two medications and he is a new doctor) he put me on seroquel (25 mg). So after the initial grogginess, I had difficulty processing information (a struggle to do homework but at least I didn't panic). Right now, my hobbies don't really matter (including my hyperfixations) and I feel no direction pulling me for or against any of the things I need to do. Alogia & increased anhedonia are not really what I need right now. Like, I'd be willing to use this stuff on an as-needed basis as this feels better than my standard anxiety/depression (too sedated to feel miserable) but even as someone who has a fairly flat affect and has a calm/chill personality this is a bit much. I'm also a bit concerned about the weight gain because genetically I am more heavy set (family history + Irish/Dutch epigenetics) and it shows.
Is this consistent for the medication? (And as I notice this one is unpopular, tell me if you like the medication or not). How long does this last? What could I ask about instead? What can I do to remediate this loss of self for the short or long term if I stay on the medication? | ptsd |
Self-diagnosed until I can afford a psych eval.
So, I've always known myself to be an avoidant type of person. I prefer to keep to myself, and stay on the computer for most of the day. And I genuinely enjoy it, I can never run out of things to do, learn, watch, or play. But most people don't sit on the computer for 10 hours a day; they go out with friends, or just out in general, texting their friends, playing games with them, going on dates with romantic partners. Then there's me, who never texts first, almost always responds late, won't go to a function if I don't know at least a few people there, preferably a majority. I can't even stick to fucking GAMING with friends, what the fuck. I actually LIKE gaming, why?!
I got into a discord group with an old friend. He saw me online and asked if I wanted to play cs. Of course I said yes, hadn't seen him in years, and he used to be one of my best friends. He invites me to join his group, I do. I was already friends with a few of them in the past. The rest were mutual friends. I had a good time for the first few months, I felt really confident, full of energy, and funny. But, over time, I start growing tired of it. Not of my friends, but I guess of socializing so much daily, even if only through voice. I should note that I was working a physically laborious job at the time, and came home soaking and miserable on the daily, so I'm sure that contributed to the feeling of burnout. I start getting on less and less, and eventually it becomes more of an obligation. "Come on J, let's play! I know you ain't doing shit anyways." And he'd be right, I would most likely be wasting my time opening a million tabs of youtube videos. But I still want to "rest" a little bit."
Then Valorant comes out, and it's the new hotness for a month or two, and we're playing that. I'm still not back to 100%, but it gave a little boost to my mood for a bit. But as we climbed the ranks I started to understand that I really didn't like this game that much now that I've played it. It was a really good excuse for me to take a break since everyone just wants to play val instead of cs. After 2-3 weeks, I got on again and joined a call, and they were asking if I died. Played a game or two and called it a night. Went back to my break. I started to feel that after all this time, and having not said anything to them about taking a break or leaving, they probably thought I hated them. Or they hated me for just dropping them like they were nothing. Then, couple months later, one guy hits me up and asked to play cs. I played cs for a few hours that night, then another guy got on and kept asking questions like "are you really our friend dude? where'd you go? I dunno bro, you got some explaining to do" And honestly that made me stress out more than anything, but I tried not to show it. That had been my biggest fear regarding talking with my friends again and it had been realized. I honestly didn't know what to say to that. Especially the part where he asks me to explain. I dunno, it just sounded like really aggressive questioning to me, and I didn't like it one bit.
Now it's been another 4-5 months. I still miss my friends. I still want to play with them. But now I feel like it's gonna be even worse. I can't just say, "oh yeah, btw, diagnosed myself with autism" and then go on to explain what autism is, how it effects me, what autistic burnout is and why it occurs. Problems with this are:
1. I can't mention autism over voice, I have quite thin walls and a door that might as well be paper mache, and my highly conservative, highly christian family has quite the negative connotation with the word autism. I don't know how they'd react if I told them I could possibly have it. I guess our family isn't a stranger to mental disorder, my brother has ADHD and my mother had bipolar, as well as her side of the family being stuck in absolute destitution mentally and physically, but that's another story. I guess it just seems like it'd be a ton of work to break down the negative connotations, and then build in their minds on what autism actually is.
2. "btw, diagnosed myself with autism" I don't think this would go over well with any other mental disorder ever. I think it only works in autism communities because of the combination of factors that surround autism, namely that people who were never diagnosed as a child have to pay out of pocket as insurance doesn't typically cover autistic screenings, often takes multiple sessions, that it is very expensive, that autistics tend to analyze the ever loving FUCK out of their interests, and if they find out that they might be autistic they will likely make that one of their interests, probably be taking every damn test, reading studies, watching videos, listening to lectures, trying on multiple diagnoses to be sure, doing their absolute do-est diligence to ensure that they are the most informed that they can be, all before even meeting the damn psych. Thing is, if you're not already in autistic communities, this is likely a foreign concept to you, as most of what I hear in non-autistic communities is that self-diagnosis is NOT valid, it is likely not even correct, and you're basically grifting mental illness if you do this, you piece of shit.
3. Would I even be believed if I managed to get around all of this?
But if I DON'T say anything, would I even be able to show my face to them ever again? What would I do? Just fucking lie or something? I was just chilling for a few months in a depressive state bro? I honestly still like being on my own, but at the same time I still miss my friends, and I don't know how to reconcile these feelings of ambivalence.
This is way too long and rambly, and also pointless? Sorry about that. | aspergers |
Based on how you look like(facial expression/body language) or how you react when others offend you...? | aspergers |
I'm just going to preface this by saying -- if you use cerebral and have a good experience, I'm sincerely glad the service worked for you and encourage you to keep doing what works!
But for me --
So easy to sign up, you have to pay your first month fee before getting to see the appointment availability.
I signed up for the plan where you meet once per month with a prescriber and a care counselor (both 30 minute appointments). I was a bit weary of 30 minute appointments because that doesnt feel like enough time for them to really discuss my symptoms, discuss medication options, and answer my questions. But I decided to give it a shot since all the ADHD prescribers in my area are booked until January. Scheduled my prescriber appointment about a week out.
Fast forward to my appointment today. As my prescriber is asking me to verify my information she realizes she and I reside in different states. She can't prescribe me medication or treat me in any way. She said I would be contacted soon by a "care coordinator" (whatever that is) to fix the issue. My appointment ended after about 4 minutes on a call.
Instead of being contacted by a care coordinator, a new prescriber was just assigned to me. They also left me a note claiming that I entered my address wrong. I verified my address in their system and yep! All good. They're not going to convince me I screwed up here even if I am emotionally vulnerable!
I called and requested to cancel my service and to receive a refund since I never actually received any care. I was told I'd be contacted by a cancellation agent to discuss. Instead of calling me, they just deactivated my cerebral account and sent me an email about processing a partial refund for half of the month's cost.
Now I'm back at square one again, still struggling immensely. No access to any mental health care -- and I lost some money in the process!
Cerebral does not care about their patients. I did not receive personalized attentive care. I'd recommend just talking to a primary care doc instead since all cerebral does is match you with nurse practitioners anyway! | ADHD |
So my therapist wants me to attempt dating again. I'm a little apprehensive but willing to try. Though I am curious if anyone has tips or advice.
I've only dated once before. I didnt know I was on the spectrum at the time. And most of our issues arose from him being incredibly emotionally clingy and me being incredibly emotionally distance. My autism essential makes me a very quiet person. Verbal communication is hard for me, and when flustered I stutter and stim. I can also read as cold/uncaring cause I'm very technical/analytical.
Should I be upfront with any potential partners? My idea was to make a short "cute" list warning people that I'm awkward.
IE: "I can guarantee I'll be one of the most socially awkward people you've met. But I can also guarantee I'll be pretty damn interesting because of it."
Help? | aspergers |
My mom and my dad both abused me, when I was younger. My mother would waterboard me( basically almost fucking drown me) she did this twice and I'm afraid of swimming i think because of it. My dad used to beat me with his beat so hard I would walk funny and go to school with marks. And my mom was like oh cover it up. And no these situations come from me fucking up in school or something like that. But Im scared of people now, like I can't have someone close to me because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. My parents would discipline my brother the same way and now he basically hates them because of that. I want to move out but I don't have the money or the job stability to do it. I think my parents spoil me for me to forgive them about the trauma, but no one forgets being 10 years old having your mother tie you up and force you into a bath | ptsd |
Hey!
I've been dealing with nightmares for the past few years. As I get further from the events and still don't have therapy/a way to properly process them, they get more intense. This winter has been particularly difficult.
Has anyone found a solution that helped them with theirs nightmares? Medication, lifestyle, diet, exercises, alternative medication, supplements, anything will do.
Please help | ptsd |
The other day I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and things started to get intimate. At first I was into it, shortly after I asked if he could go grab a towel (we were staying in his moms trailer that’s next to her house as we evacuated from the storm) he declined and I no longer wanted to continue. He grabbed a handful of my hair and dragged me towards him and I shut down and went down on him. When I tried again to stop (never verbally ) he did it again.
While normally this is something I am into at the time I wasn’t, and I don’t know why I didn’t just ask him to stop. He will whenever I want / need him to with no questions asked , and will just lay down and hold me.
my ex used to be very abusive and I used to just shut down and let him do whatever so he wouldn’t hurt me. Now I can’t stop feeling on edge around my boyfriend and I really don’t know how to talk to him about this because I know he did nothing wrong but it’s really effecting how I feel around him . | ptsd |
I'm gonna kind of be bundling 2 questions into this just an FYI.
I'm 25 and I've been taking Concerta (2x 36mg caps) since I was like 6 and diagnosed. Last year there was a problem with getting a new bottle because in short: Walmart and the Clinic I was going to for checkups at the time both suck. I had gone about 5 days without my proper medicine, only taking extras of my little sister's adderall (Which I keep realizing may have muddled the ability for ADHD symptoms to TRULY show) But to the point now:
* During that week, I didn't really feel like I had much more trouble paying attention than I usually would WITH my Medication. The worst difference I felt was just that I was focused on the fact that I didn't have my medication (Though I guess that IS a lack of attention to tasks in a way...). So I had brought it up to my doctor at the new clinic I'm going to and he suggested to start lowering my dosage slowly. The first decrease was to 1 36mg and 1 27mg cap together, and that's what I was on for the past... like 3-6 months I'd say. Just yesterday I was lowered to 2 27mg caps, and the only sort of difference I've felt is that I'm kinda overly focused on the new decrease. I'm obviously gonna give it time, and schedule an earlier check-up with my doctor if a friend or family member notices any major change in my behavior, but I'm just lost on if maybe I'm just stupid and misinterpreted an excessive reaction to a delayed pick-up of my prescription as some sign that I don't need the medication anymore, or if I really am making a good choice agreeing to decreasing my dose.
Now second question: I've noticed alot of medication posts on here seem to only mention Vyvanse and Adderall. I've seen almost no posts mentioning concerta. Is Concerta really my best choice to stick with? or would I wanna see if I can get switched to another medication? Or maybe in combination with the decrease, ease myself off Concerta, then talk to my doctor about if I still need any medication, depending on what he'll say. Though I'll just make it known here: I know nothing about what medications I even CAN be prescribed with the insurance I have. I'm in such a stupid point of life right now.
**TL;DR: 1) Did I mistake being hyper-focused on a 5-day withdrawal from my Medication as some lack of the usual ADHD symptoms or did my brain somehow change and I really might not need as high a dose as I had been taking most of my life? 2) Is Concerta really my best option to stick with for life?** | ADHD |
Like in the middle of a conversation i'll type up a completely normal reply then suddenly start obsessing over it... the wording, the capitalization, grammar, how it sounds, if it "matches" how i think the other person is perceiving me? And then i obsess over it for a long ass time and end up replying like two hours later?
Also if they dont reply like immediately or if the time they take between replying changes, or if their punctuation changes (i.e. insignificant meaningless things) it freaks me out
Does anyone else do this? How do i stop self-sabotaging like this lmao | OCD |
There’s some days where I feel like I’m finally moving on from the past and then some days it just hits me like a train, like every feeling I felt in that moment just hits me. Like every memory and feeling you blocked out just hits you | ptsd |
The only thing I feel right now is to jump off the balcony that I'm sitting close to. There's nothing in my life worth loving or hating. I don't think so there's any reason for me to be sad. So why am I sad? Why do I feel my life will never get better? Why do I feel like, I am not worth being on this earth? Why is everything so boring and why there's no sunshine? I just want to keep sitting and staring at the sky. I feel numb. Neither happy nor sad. I want to go now. I'm just a burden. Please stop! | depression |
You can use it for dating or to look for friends. I don’t recommend the former because there aren’t a ton of users.
But the app seems like it is exclusive for neurodivergent people.
I used it regularly for 3-4 months, but I decided to step away from it yesterday. I just don’t think that I was a fit for the vibe that it should create. I did a lot of emotional dumping about things that were bothering me, and I didn’t want people in the community to feel worse about their own lives.
But yeah I recommend this if you’re feeling isolated and would like to talk to people who have names and pictures associated with them. | aspergers |
I was a pretty fussy child. I threw a lot of tantrums. Got upset over seemingly small things, like accidentally coloring outside the lines. I felt like I couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't relate to anyone either. I felt like an alien, watching everyone else play while I sat in the corner. My counselors condescended the hell out of me. I knew I was different. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was about 9. I started feeling a lot of frustration and self-hate. Everyone would ask who would tell me those awful things. Well, I was exposed to such rhetoric online, but no one in real life. I just divined it by observation. They just couldn't believe me.
Middle school rolled around. I struggled a lot, and fell deeper into depression. I wanted to be normal. I could see everyone else forming groups, but I didn't know how to express myself. I was the weird kid. I could "play" normal when the situation called for it (I could crack jokes and do stuff), but it was as clear as day. Seventh grade, the option is given to transfer to an online school. I accepted it. I wanted to be a lone wolf. Intentionally seclude myself from society. Because I could never be a part of it.
When I was 13, I had a dream. It woke me up in tears. I had obsessed over my diagnosis until then, but that dream was revelatory. I made the decision to no longer believe in it. I chose to be as normal as possible. But I'm noticing this also coincides with when my depression went from bad to worse. There was no excuse in my mind. So I went for the next few years, in solitude, praying (not literally, since I was/am an atheist) for a day when this "problem" would vanish, and I could finally enter the ranks of society. The pearly gates.
That never happened. I wore so many faces. I read books on how to socialize. I could do it well enough I think, but it didn't overwrite what I felt inside. It all felt hollow. I still kept my distance because I feared people would see through my disguise. Over the course of high school, my mental health continued deteriorating, however gradually. I was a straight-A student in freshman year, but by senior year, my grades had fallen to B's, C's, and even some D's. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. Deep down I felt I had no future. How would grades alleviate the emptiness I felt inside? Yet still, I fantasized about a world where everything would be okay, and that kept me going. That filled me with hope.
The pandemic hit and since then I've reached such a low that this hope is withering away. No matter what, I'll never be a normal child. Because I'm not a child anymore. I'm 19 and everyone is moving forward while I'm still stuck here, hoping for a better future that will never come because I just don't know how to will it to existence. Last year, I had a job at Walmart, but it proved so overwhelming I resigned after a few months. I can't cope with online school at all. I'm already "behind" a year. Worst of all, I've been having some pretty bad headaches and brain fog for the past few months, and I think it's been revealing some parts of me I've been suppressing for so long. Part of the issue is a lack of motivation for the same reasons as before, but some of it was also my burgeoning obsession with finding out what was wrong with me. I needed to know. There is something deeply broken inside of me that I needed to fix. I hoped it would be something I could actually fix. Maybe trauma is the reason I'm like this? Something I could work towards. Something to prove I wasn't just born like this.
It's August 2021. It's getting late. The normal childhood and adolescence experiences, part of the usual human experience for someone of my lower middle class socioeconomic status, are locked out forever. And I think only now am I really understanding the gravity of it all, by reopening the possibility that I have autism. I can't deny it any longer, but I want to deny it. I want there to be a likelihood that I can be normal. It's all my mental health has even depended on for the past 6 years. The hope that this longing will finally be fulfilled.
I don't know how to come to terms with this. I want to vehemently deny it so much. I just want to be normal, and by normal, I mean having real bonds with other human beings, something I can never seem to bring to fruition. Connection is what I long for. Something to fill the void inside me. Something that can prove I'm actually human. But I don't know. Time is just passing and life will just get harder, and things will never go back to the way they were when I was in elementary, middle, or even high school, when I didn't feel as behind. My life is so removed from the normal human experience I don't even know if normal was ever in the cards. And yet, instead of doing something productive, I just obsess over my problems and continue posting about them. It's all hopeless.
Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I had support, but I don't. I'm on my own, and that's because I want to be on my own. My mom still treats me like a little kid, and while my older brother is slightly better in pushing me to do things, he has some very unsavory traits that I don't want to associate with. Neither of them really understand me. I want to have agency over my own life, but I'm increasingly finding it so hard. I just wish there could be something I could actually do. I hate myself so much it hurts. | aspergers |
Been about 10 or 12 weeks since I last had a genuine smile. The ones I have today are to please others.
Feeling shit is not OK. I get that it's normal every now and then but for 8 or 9 years I've felt like everyone is better off without me in their lives. Ending it is selfish on people I love but also not Ending it is selfish too. Because if people are better off without me then staying here is doing more harm. 🤷♂️
I don't know, loneliness is a c*nt. | depression |
There's a series of movies called "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" and one of the characters is very clearly coded as an aspie. They even have a conversation about how he's odd and worried about passing it on to his kids. The character is honestly pretty damn true to how we behave and feel; it's not a Sheldon Cooper. | aspergers |
My predator.
When I'm walking down the street.
When I'm at work.
Basically whenever I see any tall older white man with a long coat and/or a green shoulder bag, I see his face.
And it scares the shit out of me.
One time I was talking to a coworker (tall older white man) and for a second, I literally saw my predator's face mid-conversation.
When will this end? I can't go a day without seeing him. I got sent home early from work because I thought I saw him and my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I ended up dropping and breaking things (i work at a restaurant).
This is killing me. I need this to end. | ptsd |
How do I explain to him what it does to my brain when he kisses me an odd number of times and jokingly withholds another? He always lets me have the even one, but those few seconds are agonizing and filled with intrusive thoughts. This is a fairly new relationship, he knows I have OCD. I don’t want to come off as a hard ass, but I also am not sure how to tell him that if he kisses me 11 times instead of 12 that he’s going to die in a car crash on his way home today? It’s all so awkward and confusing. And it makes ending a sweet kiss or make out session a little odd. | OCD |
Just to quickly explain my situation, I have a deadline approaching very quickly for my Final paper. I decided for my paper that I would look at the correlation between nicotine and anxiety/depression, so if everyone could take 2 minutes to fill out this questionnaire, it would be greatly appreciated. All responses are confidential, as required for my final paper... thank you!
[https://forms.gle/HKtp9HV7AZCYweqm9](https://forms.gle/HKtp9HV7AZCYweqm9) | depression |
Warning. Could be triggering.
I know this is OCD. At least I think it is. I went to the bathroom (my bathroom not a public one) and while I was wiping back end I slid forward and ended up with my private parts (female here) right on the toilet lid. Somehow I managed, despite trying to be careful, to do this twice. I’m trying not to shower but I feel completely contaminated. Has this ever happened to anyone else? What did you do? My family thinks I’m crazy for caring. I feel crazy and yet the OCD keeps saying “you’re not crazy, but if you don’t take a shower or wash there you might get a disease”. I hate this. 😭😭😭 | OCD |
not actually a girlfriend but a companion, i'm in the relationship apps and my profile is kind of messed up and i say i'm autistic .. even though i'm visibly autistic. some liked me, but I have no idea how to start a conversation | aspergers |
I'm curious how Adderall XR works to slowly release throughout the day.
When I open up an Adderall XR capsule it contains all these little spheres of different colors.
Does anyone know what the name of these is? I'm also curious just how the slow release process works.
I assume that each capsule has a different time delay with some working at the beginning of the day and some triggering at the end.
I've had both generic and on-brand Adderall XR and they both use the same little spheres with different colors.
When I google for this I get just generic information on Adderall, nothing technical. | ADHD |
It all ended with a project getting finished and turned in. I worked a ton this summer. Battled fatigue and a ton of emotions so I basically fought it all off for an extra 90 days. Had a ton of systems in place (ie routines and schedules) that kept me out of it. Also had a few friend groups where I would schedule time to talk with them once a day so I didn't feel lonely ( I also came to this sub a bunch of times to vent which really helped)
Even though I'm kinda depressed right now it's no where near the other big or small moments I've had in the past. I just feel tired and a bit dull.
Gonna work on stuff. Getting rest and some exercise for a bit and then focusing on the next steps. | aspergers |
I didn't have my first orgasm with another person until 3 months after i became sexually active. The delay has caused issues with every girl I've dated. A lot have had their feelings hurt, some wondered if they weren't enough, or if I was gay. The reality is, when someone else is present, it becomes so much harder to orgasm. Even if I'm doing the work. I'm 38 and this is still a problem. But sexual dysfunction tends to focus on erectile issues or premature ejaculation. I've considered a sex therapist, but its expensive. I assume I'm not the only one, so if you've dealt with, or are still dealing with it, please comment. I'd love to know that I'm not alone haha | ADHD |
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