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Imo there's nothing like a supportive partner when dealing with ADHD, the amount of time this woman has for me is immense and has me constantly thanking the world for me meeting her. Everytime she tells me "come on George do the thing" it's a reminder of how much she cares. She's done research into ADHD and really makes an effort to ask questions and just understand without babying me. As in the responsibility to do things is still on me and it really helps when it's one of those days when everything seems out of my control. Thanks for listening 🤟
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ADHD
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My whole life seems to have just been a tragedy. I have zero reasons left to live.
My birth mother was a returned orphaned who never graduated middle-school. She dropped out and she was raped by some thug and I’m the product of it. She put me up for adoption.
My first memory was being in a car by myself in the middle of the night and crying scared why I was alone and sitting in my own pee.
My siblings stabbed my face and later broke my leg when was 3. I just remember their laughing at my pain. Huge smiles and laughs.
Sexual assault by my brother. My brother sexual assaulted me and my sisters. I have no memories of being happy. My mother took out all her own childhood abuse on me. Telling me about how her father had beaten her with a belt, her mom had been cruel and died of brain surgery when she was 10, and gleefully saying how her first father had hung himself in the shower and her sister had found his dead body. She’d often tell stories about children who had hurt or killed themselves and I felt like she was saying that in hopes I would.
I saw my sister prevent my mom from stabbing herself with a butcher knife. My mother would constantly tell me I was ugly and stupid and basically use me to do all of the chores around the big house. I was homeschooled and only learned from what books I could find. I foolishly did everything my parents asked of me because they raised me on religion, Mormonism and I was fearful of God.
My siblings used to take humor in my pain from locking me out of the house and beating me up. Idk why my parents often weren’t home. When they were gone I’d hide myself in a linen closet between fabrics. One time after emerging after almost a full day in the closet, my brother had been upset and was looking bullets for the shotgun. He was in the garage and I had tried to rummage quickly through fridge while he was occupied. I heard him coming back inside and so I ran underneath the table with the family dog who was also scared. I remember him pointing the gun at me and I was scared but closed my eyes and was happy because I thought I could finally die.
Since that time. I served a mission in the Mormon church and when I went back to church school I met another RM who introduced me to a relative attending the church school and who happened to be a Bishop’s son. I met him at church. I was fearful of men but she convinced me he was a good person. He didn’t try to hold my hand until after a month of going on dates. He was the first man in my 23 years of life I let myself get close to. Well he ended up being a serial rapist and had raped his younger cousins and others. He was abusive and raped and beat the hell out of me. He’d often throw dishes and items aimed at me or close to me whenever I did something he didn’t like. When I got the courage to tell my bishop instead of caring about me he first asked how many times he “had inserted his penis” and if I had orgasmed. WTF!!!!!!!!
Second boyfriend out of college wasn’t a Mormon and after 1.5 years I saw on his phone he had never uninstalled Tinder or dating sites.
My now husband had during the first day we were dating called and messaged his exes and other girls. Had a fake name on his socials. To this day hasn’t posted a single picture of us together besides of being hidden within an album. Never wore his wedding ring. Has held the idea of having children based on if I do enough chores for him and quit work. I found out he had been married before when we went to the courthouse and the person asked if either of us had been married. He won’t ever let me look at his phone. He gets angry when I cry cause he said something cruel and says it’s my feelings. He hates my friends. He would come into the room if I ever spoke to them and ask me to mute and angrily shout about them. So I stopped calling them and I’ve never so alone.
Most recently I went back to school and he has done everything from threaten to leave me because I was studying too much right at mid-terms because not doing enough chores or things he wants of me. This has made me fearful of not being able to pay for university and being able to live as he keeps spending money our savings our low even while I’ve pleaded with him to stop.
Tonight I was contacted by my adoption agency about my birth mother. She was just placed in hospice. When I can home crying home from a devotional (he’s not a member) the first thing he asked was for me to go outside because he didn’t want the people that we share a wall with to hear me cry. He then marched me around the neighborhood with his only question being how he can get tickets since there’s a quarantine and telling me it’s my fault I’m upset and that it’s very bad for me to cry inside the house as well as a waste of time.
Previously, my adoption agency had contacted me before about my mother being ill in general. We were iAbroad at the time visiting his family. I begged him to let me go see her and while I was trying to call the hospital where she was at he kept angrily telling me to be quiet and hurry up while I had the volume as low as possible and was quietly crying. He kept making annoyed noises and growling for me to be quiet and stop talking. It hurt me so deeply. In the end because of the language barrier and his cruelty I just became silent. I tried to find the hospital where she was at later but never got a response. Since that time I’ve had such a huge burden that I wasn’t there when she died and she must have died alone. It’s been my biggest regret in my life and something I’ve thought about every day.
I was so emotional knowing that she was alive tonight. It just hurt me so much he asked me to go outside instantly and walk around the neighborhood. I tried to quietly sob because of the embarrassment of walking in front of neighbors houses.
Life has been absolute shit since I can remember and I just don’t see the point in living. How I see it if there is a God he has favorites and the rest don’t have a chance. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to live eternally or because I kill myself end up in an even more worse hall than this. I just want to not exist at all. I’ve done as much I can to help others, especially have tried a lot recently and am wondering if there’s perhaps a threshold where you’ve done enough good I can kill myself and God won’t punish me. I just want to inexist peacefully, that’s all. Please. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse.
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depression
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If so, what kind of music do you play. Also, do you find yourself playing the same songs over and over. When I play, it's usually the same songs over and over until I get bored with them and start playing different songs. For the past few months, I've been playing the "Get Your Yayas Out" version of Midnight Rambler and Can't You Hear Me Knocking, both by the Rolling Stones. I'm also playing Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. Prior to this, I went through a period of two years playing nothing but Black Sabbath and Pink Floyd songs.
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aspergers
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Does anyone else do this? Like, this "character bonding" does nothing to strengthen the plot for me. It adds a level of character motivation that i just don't understand. And I certainly doing get off on watching it. Seems like a total waste to put in a movie.
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aspergers
|
every part of me just feels like it's decaying. yeah i was depressed as fuck for a while but now i cant do normal everyday shit and stuff i'm supposedly good at. i have 0 talents, 0 passions, and nowhere to go with any of my emotions. i'm writing this post because i like being the victim and this seems like an okay place to self deprecate.
it feels like as each day passes i just get smaller and smaller and my mind more frayed. held together and held back from killing myself by fear and spending everyday doing nothing and feeling like shit, or doing something, and feeling like shit. i thought that as you get older and get done applying to colleges and shit you're supposed to feel better, and have more fun or do adult shit i dont fucking know. but i just sit in my fucking room and no matter what i do i fucking feel like shit. each day passes and my urge to kill myself increases.
i get distracted and struggle to comprehend basic fucking plots like in F is for Family, which i've rewatched enough that most people would know the dialogues, but hey, on each watch i discover a new fucking detail that isnt even a detail but a basic fucking element of the plot.
i have no direction. writing this i have an irrational fear of being downvoted to hell. i'm incapable and unmotivated and i'm probably not going to change and i hopefully can work up the courage to kill myself which will probably just end up being some self harm cause i dont got balls like that.
​
be safe xx
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depression
|
Hopefully you can discern what I'm trying to ask in this post...
I'm 26 and I'm chasing adhd testing after hearing about inattentive type and feeling like I just read a description of my adult and late-teen life. The "problem" is that I did well in school until high school when my grades started diving and I've had big time issues dealing with adult life ever since.
As a kid, school was easy really, I never tried very hard, and I was never interested in doing school work, but I still got through easily. I told my past doctor this years ago, and he dismissed adhd on the spot and so did I.
But one thing from my childhood that stands out, is that I had selective mutism from about age 2-6, then I actually consciously decided I was sick of it and started speaking more freely to everyone. I'm aware this is an autism trait, but I've never had other traits that I know of. I hyperfocus, but I associate that with adhd now because of the myriad of other symptoms. My mom thinks the mutism is linked to a bad experience I had at age 2, so it could be a post traumatic thing, because she claims I didn't have signs of mutism before.
What I experienced later in childhood is that I could easily be somewhat hyper when I was with my friends and classmates, but otherwise I was pretty subdued, especially around adults. With my parents, I developed a pattern of not telling them when I had problems, which I still have to this day although less now. This became especially apparent in late high school and college. I struggled my ass off in college and didn't graduate in the end, and I didn't tell my parents or friends really until close to the end. Then j tried to redo some subjects, and the same thing happened again. Then I got lucky and got a job without a degree.
My point is that I've always had a pattern of "hiding" some parts of myself from other people. Those parts are specifically the ones that exhibit adhd symptoms. I avoid talking about things in my life where these symptoms disrupt, because I've always been ashamed and thought that I just need to get my shit together.
So I'm wondering has anyone had similar childhood experience and similar tendencies of shame surrounding adhd like symptoms? I know this is a mess of a post but I won't edit myself this time.
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ADHD
|
Allism Spectrum Disorders: A Parody
Written by Terra Vance on September 22, 2018
In prevailing literature, people on the autism spectrum have all of their traits, their behaviors, and even their very existence pathologized. They are considered to have mind blindness, or the opposite of empathy, which means that they are unable to predict the feelings or thoughts of others. This is problematic, because we are perfectly capable of predicting the thoughts and feelings of others in our neurotype. We are not mind blind, we are different. We are a minority, neurologically speaking, but we have our own innate social rules that among our neurotype make sense to us.
Autistic people often refer to non-autistics as allistics. If autistics were the neuro-majority, then the 1-2% of the population who were allistic would have their entire existence pathologized. Here is a parody to demonstrate, for allistics, what it feels like to autistic people who have to read about themselves as described by people who dont understand them.
Allism
Allism, also known as Allism Spectrum Disorder, is a pervasive developmental disorder which impairs a persons social, communicative, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral function. The symptoms of allism range from moderate to severe and are lifelong; however, with intensive treatment and early interventions, the presentation of symptoms can be less severe. Currently, there is no cure for allism; however, therapeutic and dietary interventions in the research stage of development are showing promise.
If youre curious about the possibility of someone you know or love being allistic, it is important to speak to your provider about being evaluated. Note that allism is a spectrum, and allistics may not suffer from all of the following symptoms:
Marked Difficulties with Interpersonal/Social Relationships and Communication:
Frequently imagines non-verbal cues are meant to indicate offense
Persons with allism tend to suffer from a lack of empathy, or mind blindness, in that they have difficulty understanding or intuiting the needs and thoughts of others. They assume that the independent actions, facial expressions, voice inflections, and factual statements of others are intended to be hostile, argumentative, or condescending. May suffer from delusions of persecution and believe that others are judging them or attacking them; difficulty understanding the motives of others; believes the thoughts and opinions of people are related to his/her own participation and existence in the world.
Allistics have difficulty believing that other people can perform actions independent of having a motive that is in some way related to them. E.g. You went to the gym? What were you doing there? Were you trying to get away from me? Are you trying to get in shape so that you can cheat on me? Conversely, they often become offended when they perceive that others have done something independently without factoring into their endeavors how it relates to the allistic him or herself. E.g. Why were you going to the gym? Were you trying to look better for me? No? You never think about me! You’re so selfish!
Pervasive difficulty with discussing topics of substance; often reduces conversations to superficial, trivial details (e.g. deflects discussions of meteorological patterns or climate change to the current, observable state of the weather)
Allistic people tend to make judgments, form preferences, and imitate the most prevalent rhetoric and talking points of current issues; however, their political, social, religious, and cultural identity is based on the social structure of those in his or her immediate circle. They would prefer to continue in espousing and parroting mainstream beliefs which are dominant in their social circles, and would become hostile and combative towards factual evidence which contradicts the views of their social affiliations.
Superimposes imagined meaning, subtext, or connotation on factual statements. May even perceive compliments as insults or believe they can divine true context from the tone of others, even in the form of written text.
Related to the tendency to feel persecuted, allistics project meaning onto factual statements, believing that there is some implied or passive subtext in concrete, factual statements. Often feels that a statement of fact is a veiled attempt to assert supremacy or dominance. E.g. What are you trying to say by telling me you loaded the dishwasher? Are you saying that I don’t do enough around the house!? Are you asking me to brag on you for contributing to the household you enjoy and live in? Are you accusing me of being a bad spouse?
Will lie or misrepresent themselves and their needs in order to appear aligned with others; will agree with the opinions of others so as to avoid the discomfort of being contradicted
Allistics demonstrate a debilitating fear of nonconformity and thus experience difficulty disagreeing with the opinions, preferences, and musings of others. Is content to assume the identity of those in the dominant social structure, potentially as a result of the aversion to examining or studying topics beyond their most basic tenets. Chronically summarizes and would prefer to be inaccurate than to be contradictory.
Feels a need to suppress desires and differences out of fear of discrimination; conversely, may discriminate against others on the basis of ability level, gender, race, sex, sexual orientation, religion, socioeconomic status, or ability level. While fully aware of these biases, will not admit to holding discriminatory beliefs or feelings of superiority.
May treat others as inferior and in need of control if those people belong to some arbitrary or superficial minority category. Assigns value and rank to people based on the prevalence of their superficial traits; will feel justified in mistreating people who practice a different religion or who demonstrate a different configuration of genetic traits if those traits are less-frequently expressed in his or her immediate environment. Devolves to tribalism. E.g. I’m not prejudiced, but the foreigners in my community are all looking to take our jobs, want a government handout, and are trying to take over the economy.
Omnipresent desire to have needs met by others persists into adulthood, expecting those around them to abandon their pursuits to spend time sitting in proximity to each other without engaging in productive discussion or interests.
These needs extend into the abstract, insisting that others understand and intuit the allistic persons emotions and confirm verbally that they have understood those emotions, frequently requiring others to apologize for imagined sleights because of the feelings their delusions produce. Furthermore, allistics feel driven to have their actions and feelings validated by others in the form of praise. E.g. It doesn’t matter if I used social media to unfairly ruin a woman’s life! You need to validate my feelings of jealousy and rage!
Over-inflated, superstitious view of personal abilities; believes self to be able to discern the character, beliefs, thoughts, and intentions of a person by looking into their eyes
Allistics believe themselves to be able to divine, as if by metaphysical prowess, the internal thoughts, states, and motives about another person due to subtleties which can be in some spiritual way divined by looking into someones eyes. This trait often causes the allistic to feel warmth and trust for other allistics who have learned to manipulate others by exploiting this pathology. Allistics can be nave and vulnerable due to perceived kindness they see in the eyes of people who seek to take advantage of this trait. Allistics tend to feel that those who do not reciprocate their strange gestures and intense staring are dangerous or untrustworthy. This is a reflection of a phenomena known as mind blindness, or the inability to perceive the thoughts and internal states of another.
May demand collaborative work but be unable to cooperate; difficulty working alone
Allistics are socially motivated and need to work collaboratively in order to focus on projects. They require frequent breaks, profuse praise for mediocre performance, and verbal or written validation of the quality of their performance. They may be unable to work without frequent rewards and acknowledgement of their performance. They are motivated more by the rewards they receive than by the importance of their contribution to the greater good. Low-functioning allistics may require accommodations in order to perform in a professional setting, including emotional support coaches, increased break times, and frequent confirmation that they are performing satisfactorily. A by-product of tribalism, they may have difficulty respecting leadership and co-workers who are less attractive, of the female gender, of a different race or ethnicity, are disabled, or have some other observable difference.
continued here:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/aspie/2018/09/allism-spectrum-disorders-a-parody#Allism
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aspergers
|
So I’ve been doing kinda well lately but got triggered yesterday and this happened.
I was in my car was having POCD thoughts and was batteling it and decide to say out loud « I’m not a P******’ ». Now that’s fine and everything but my eyes fell on my phone and thought of « shit it’s recording me » and haven’t got really more calm about it since, since one of compulsion is a lot of google research im kinda scared I’m on a list now.
I want to accept the possibility but these things are not unfounded, it’s kinda hard.
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OCD
|
I suffered from horrible, debilitating social anxiety for years, the kind that made me just huddle in a corner when in groups of people and I couldn't hold a conversation with anyone I wasn't already close to. But joining the workforce, especially service industry jobs, has forced me out of my shell tremendously, I can talk just fine to people, I can hold conversations, make people laugh, but it all feels like a front, like I have a script in my head that says to say this at this point, say this to make them laugh, it never feels organic.
When I first started getting actively into social media apart from my family I would actively search through other people's speech styles and responses to formulate my own, because for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to communicate online without observing other people and mimicking them. It comes easier now, but it still feels the same.
I can talk to people, make "friends" but I don't feel a connection with them. I've even started hanging out with new friends but it feels like a chore because I have to so carefully calculate what I'm going to say it never comes easy. I genuinely don't know if this is an adhd experience, but just wanted to get it off my chest somewhere.
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ADHD
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My personality test came back with high frequencies of Schizophrenia, Sociopathy, and PTSD. I often have thoughts and visions of doing vicious things to living things to kill them.
My question is, do any of you with PTSD only have thoughts and urges to murder?
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ptsd
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Tl;dr I made the mistake of being honest and now I hate the clinic I’ve been going to for 3 years. Mostly just seeking vindication now
So I (38/f) was diagnosed with ADHD 22 years ago. Well, at first it was Bipolar but later it was changed to ADHD and I’m probably both but the fact is I respond well to stimulants and very poorly to antipsychotics. I was on Ritalin for a few years but my circumstances weren’t really good for my mental health so I went from getting better to much worse and eventually homeless
Some years later I was more stabilized, I’d long been on disability and was even working again and talked to a psychiatrist about my problems, he put me in Ritalin too and life quickly came together. So much so that I made too much money and lost my disability, so I lost Medicare and Medicaid and couldn’t go to that same psychiatrist without a co pay I couldn’t cover
I get on this insurance specifically for people with disabilities, but I have to go to this other clinic and the first doctor I have there wears a long black skirt and rosary beads and I was in a really Catholic town at the time. I tell her I need to get back on Ritalin because I’ve been without it for a week and it was really disruptive. She’s like “Oh. We don’t give that sort of thing to people here”. She says she’ll just or me on an SNRI instead
So my life absolutely fell apart. I had just started my job as a CNA in a nursing home because I thought I could keep up. I’m just starting on an antidepressant while coming off stimulants. I watch 6 people I got close to die in 5 months, I had a lot of people who hated me for being queer. I ended up losing my mind and throwing my badge at the the ADoN who had it out for me since the beginning, yelling “you want me gone!? Fine!”
I thought I’d lose my license over it but I didn’t. I might as well have though, I’d given up on a career in nursing. There was no way I could handle college anymore. I was a home care aide for a while but eventually I just wound up back on disability. I was basically straight edge my whole life but by this point in my late 20s it didn’t seem so important so I ended up getting into drinking and casual drug use
A few years ago after I moved to the PNW I decided to focus more on my health and mental stability. I’ve quit drinking, all I really do is vape CBD now which was half the reason I decided to move up here
I’d been going to this clinic here now for 3 years, it’s okay but the doctor I liked left. Right before she left we started me on Wellbutrin 6 months ago, she agreed with me that adderall might be a good idea but we should focus on my mood first
I get assigned a new doctor and first time I meet her I’m like yeah I’ve been on this Wellbutrin and it’s helped me a ton but I can’t focus for shit still and I’ve been wanted to try adderall and she’s like “I don’t just give that stuff to people first time I meet them” and it’s like… fine? I get she won’t just take my word for it. But I see her a couple more times over a couple months and she’s like well we can just try raising your Wellbutrin and I’m going to have to talk to our psychiatrist
We do that and I start getting headaches and sweating, my blood pressure starts going up so she’s like okay we’ll take the dose back down and right around then I see the psychiatrist. I visit her right when I’m adjusting to halving my welbutrin so I kind of hard a hard time in the meeting
First I got in there talking to her she’s like “well we’re going to have to have a few of these visits probably” and she’s nice but she goes on and asks me many many questions about my past. We dig up a lot of stuff I don’t like thinking about and when she’s asking about my drug use she starts doing that condescending “mmm hmm.” shit. Now I’ve tried a few things but I’ve never been addicted to anything but cigarettes and alcohol and by then I had long quit both
And 15 minutes before the appointment is over she just kind of stops and is like “I think I heard enough. I really don’t think you have ADHD but we can give you a referral for a specialist and you can prove me wrong”. I asked why she came to that conclusion and she wouldn’t really answer me, saying we were out of time even though we weren’t and she won’t need to see me again
It’s that “prove me wrong” that really pissed me off, that’s basically an admission that she’s just gatekeeping! Immediately after that appointment I cancelled my appointment with the medical doctor and arranged going to a new, much more reputable clinic. I’m going to give Cerebral a shot too, I already have appointments for next week.
I have many friends with ADHD (birds of a feather) and they all warn me they won’t make this easy for me but I had no idea. I wasted months on people not taking me seriously, talking down to me, ignoring my diagnosis. I genuinely believe my entire life wouldn’t have been such a mess if the people who were supposed to look out for my mental health didn’t keep letting me down.
I think I’m mostly upset I miss my doctor, she was the only doctor I’ve ever had that I grew to actually trust and she remembered me. If Wellbutrin is the best I can do I guess it’s helped a ton but I still can’t focus on anything and I space out and it’s so hard to make decisions. ADHD makes it hard to advocate for myself here too, or to even want to try to deal with this system
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ADHD
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I wanted to share this with people who understand this a bit more than friends or even family.
This semester I finally turned every single assignment in on time and fully completed for the first time in my life. I’ve always had missing assignments, I’ve always had half complete assignments but now I’ve finally been able to do it all. What’s more is that I have an 83% test average among all of my classes and my lowest test score was a 71%. My freshmen year of college last year wasn’t the worst but my adhd hit a spike but now I’ve gotten it back under control and I’m doing better than ever. Friday morning I take my last final and although I’m nervous, I think I’m ready.
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ADHD
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Have you had to call in sick or rearrange plans or anything like that? Or just lost time trying to get a hang on yourself? Or did you just push through, however hard? Kinda struggling this week in particular. Still doing things, just I think less then usual. And I just feel kind of off. Like my trauma has been on my mind a lot, just really close to the surface and I find myself zoning out a lot, finding tasks harder to concentrate on. Not sure what I need or why this week specifically, just needed talk about this.
Update: having rough day mentally and physically. Not sure which one started things and then affected the other, but regardless I'm weak and feverish and so on so I took half a day off to rest before it gets to a point where I have no choice. Trying not to feel guilty, so it really helps having this thread and reading all responses in bed. Very thankful for this sub right now. ❤️
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ptsd
|
Maybe it's just from my experience. But when I meet someone else with aspergers they are often very open about being asexual and/or aromantic. But to me it's the exact opposite. I can get so obsessed with people both sexually and romantically. I It used to have a big impact on my mental health but not anymore. I could just look at my own junk and I am horny and struggle to switch focus.
Why is this?
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aspergers
|
I’ve lost so much to depression.
First was obviously my happiness, but more than that. I slowly lost sight of things that make me happy. I don’t have know how to make myself happy anymore. People try to give me advice and I just don’t listen because I’ve also lost care in general. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t care who loves me or cares about me, I don’t care what people think about me and I don’t care about them. I don’t care if I get fired from my job doing electrical. I don’t care if I die on purpose or on accident. I just do not care.
I lost my girlfriend of 2 years to depression recently due to my lack of care and happiness within myself and that has made my depression even worse. She tried to make me happy but it in the end nothing ever really did.
I hate myself and I hate this world. I wasn’t raised to be this way and neither my friends or family have influence on how I feel.
I just feel dead. Alone. Like an empty vessel just drifting.
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depression
|
**backstory: so, i was r\*p\*d when i was 13 by my step-dad, i got pregnant and i chose to keep the baby. i moved in with my girlfriend and her parents. I am now 16 and my son Logan is now 19 months. It was not my choice to have him, but it was my choice to keep him. and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.**
**story: My girlfriend's parents (who I live with) moved into a house which is two 4 bedroom houses connected together by a small door downstairs. Me and my girlfriend live together in one of the houses, and her parents live in the other. in our house we each have our own bedrooms, but tend to sleep in the same room, with Logan. he has his room which is more of a playroom at the moment because he still sleeps in a cot in our room. my gf takes pride in the fact that she always keeps the house clean and loves to clean. also, we still technically live with her parents.**
**we have regular social services visits to make sure that we are all OK because we are so young, she is 16 as well. our neighbours (not her parents but the ones next to us on our side) are entitled parents. and this week came to our house about 10 minutes before a social service visit. they started screaming at us for having a child so young. i have extreme social anxiety and ptsd from when i got pregnant with him. I don't tell anyone that i don't trust completely about his father. so our neighbours don't know about the circumstances about him.**
**on this particular day she sees me and my gf playing with our son in the garden. he is only wearing his underwear because it is a hot day and he is in the pool. and he has plenty of sun-cream on. she comes knocking on my gfs parents door. her parents tell her that we live next-door not with them. she comes and knocks on our door and is shouting about how we shouldn't be living on our own, and we should have a responsible adult in the house. she then starts shouting about how we probably abuse Logan. she then asks how old i am and i tell her i'm 16, she slaps me and tells me that i am way too young to have a child and that i'm lying to her about him being my son. i tell her that he is my son and i was just young when i had him. she slaps me again and calls the police telling them that I've kidnapped a child. i start having a flashback because it was a very triggering situation. she then starts saying that our house is a mess. my gf was so angry but at this point is focusing on my more than the woman. then she sees my son and accuses us of sexually abusing him because he is only wearing his underwear! this is too much for me and i pass out because that can happen in ptsd. once I had come around and calmed down the woman started telling me i was overreacting. so i just turned around and told her the truth "I WAS RAPED, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO DO IT! IT WASN'T MY FAULT" remember i'm 16 so this was a pretty scary situation for me in this moment. the crazy neighbour looks horrified and starts calling me all sorts of racial and religious slurred. ( which doesn't make sense because i am white french living in England!) also, i am still in my wheelchair because i was using it in the garden, so she kicks my wheelchair and breaks it!**
**i turn around and the social worker had seen it all. the social worker explained to them woman that i was a teen parent, and then the police arrested the crazy neighbour! social services took her kids off of her during the trial! i pressed chargers and she was fined. she did get her kids back but she never bothered us again after that. all is going well now and social services were very happy about how we handled the situation!**
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ptsd
|
Does anyone experience took so long with my PTSD? I’ve been told by some medical professionals that it could be Tourette’s but others say it’s not. I’m just honestly confused and frustrated right now.
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ptsd
|
I feel guilty for what's in my head. I feel guilty for not being able to interact with people without the stuff in my head. I hate it. I'm finally recovering after months of spiraling but the guilt is eating me up.
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OCD
|
Is anyone else struggling with the condition of the world? I constantly wish I was back in elementary when life seemed to be so nice. Now it seems like there’s constantly countries on the brink of war, a virus is going to kill us, asteroids or global warming. It seems like there’s nothing good going on and we’re on the brink of dying. Everyone is fighting. It makes me feel like what is the point in trying, what’s the point in goals. Nothing is bringing me happiness or satisfaction anymore
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depression
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Forgive me if this post is all over the place. My brain is not okay and I’m having trouble processing my thoughts :(
I’m 27 years old and was officially diagnosed with depression at 18 when I went to a psychologist. I’d say my depression really started when I was about 10 and I feel like I was just born with anxiety.
I was having on and off suicidal ideations starting at 13 years old. My psychiatrist has me on Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Vyvanse (newly diagnosed ADHD).
Anyways, when I met my now fiancée 3 years ago, things took a turn for the better. She’s absolutely amazing and is still such a big support when it comes to my mental health. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was going to be okay. Whenever we’re together, everything *is* okay.
I don’t know what exactly brought my depression back so violently but I’m pretty sure it’s my job. I have a decent job in telecom sales making about 55k a year. I know there are people out there that have no job or are getting paid shit and I feel awful complaining about my job because of it.
It just feels like I’m stuck. I feel dead inside when I’m at work. I cry before and after every shift.
I have a bachelors in psychology but that doesn’t get you anywhere….
I don’t have any marketable skill… I tried learning how to code recently but my ADHD/ depression makes me lose interest and focus so quickly.
I’m diabetic and as of late I think I’ve been self sabotaging by purposefully eating sugar laden foods and not taking my insulin. I’ve been putting on a lot of weight and I’m not even enjoying the food I eat.
I don’t know why I’m posting this…. I just feel so fucked up in my own mind…. I hate this feeling.
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depression
|
In my experience, with the people I know and myself, psychiatrist are only quick to diagnose anxiety and depression. Bipolar, ADHD, IED, BED, OCD, etc. seem to all be overlooked and self diagnosed for years before actually diagnosed after talking to multiple psychiatrist and therapist. Because of the stigma around self diagnosing for attention I didn't even entertain the thought of possibly having ADHD for years, but not if I mention it I feel like I'll just be told I'm lazy and just don't commit to things. I think about how I read trilogies in a week and played violin in school and i think to myself *I did it in school so why can't I do it now?" If it's not ADHD then what is it?
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ADHD
|
Hi folks, my doc started me on atomoxetine late summer with the hopes that it might help me deal with my ADHD. We started on this route for a number of reasons. Anyway, coming back to my questions: we started me out at a really low dose and slowly upped it knowing that some folks have a negative reaction to the meds and now we're at 100mg. She was hoping I would see a difference at 80mg and I did not. Here's a question for everyone: did folks see much of a difference going from 80mg to 100mg? Or, in general, was there a dose increase where you suddenly just \*felt it\* in a way you hadn't before? I know the non-stimulants just don't hit the way the stims do , but would love to hear if anyone just had that click moment.
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ADHD
|
I live alone and have reached a point in my life where doing the basic living tasks are existentially boring and I can barely bring myself to do them
The repetitiveness of shop - cook- eat - clean up is just so freaking boring that I just lie on the couch being hungry. I want to eat healthy but I'm just so bored that I end up eating two minute noodles or toast.
Even just the repetitiveness of opening my blinds every morning is starting to feel stupidly monotonous
Not sure what I am seeking in this post. Just needed to get that out before I try to drag myself into the kitchen to tidy up and cook dinner
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ADHD
|
I have struggled long with pocd but it feels like I am swimming in circles.
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OCD
|
So had a fun experience earlier today. Pretty sure it’s related to my adhd but who knows at this point haha. I was in the shops with my partner getting groceries it was busy, I had my list and we were just going about our thing. Suddenly I started feeling really disorientated and like my brain was jerking to a bunch of different narratives at once. I got so bad I basically was just going aimlessly through the aisles confused where to go even though it was obvious I needed to go to the frozen section to get frozen veggies. It felt really scary and upset me cause I didn’t like feeling lost in the store. Basically chilled out in front of ice cream section reading the labels to try not to cry in the middle of the store lol. But thank god for my partner I let them know what was happening and they gently guided me around while they got the rest and drove for me back home cause I didn’t feel it was safe for me to drive. I’d forgot to take my Ritalin beforehand but it’s never to happened before this is a first. Even though I know my partner doesn’t think it I still feel weak for it happening in front of them and they had to step in for me. But we had some nice food and big hugs after and I’m feeling better. I just hope it never happens again lol
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ADHD
|
OCD cause confused and body symptoms? Who has body symptoms?
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OCD
|
I’ve been diagnosed for ptsd for a long time, but something has come up that is making me remember all of these horrible feelings again. My great grandmother was admitted to hospice today, as she is dying of dementia. She is 97, lived a long beautiful life. We haven’t been able to see her in months due to covid. Half of my family got kicked out of the nursing home yesterday because they were laughing, being loud, and causing problems for everyone. They were arguing while I sat alone with my dying great grandmother. It’s going to be her third day soon, and I don’t want to leave her side. She fell twice and has a horrible bruise all over her side, causing her skin to show black and purple. I held her hand, and sat by her side for hours, for as long as I could. Watching her slowly die, knowing I can do nothing. It brings such an emptiness, to watch her barely able to move, speak. She said my name when I first saw her, and I near broke down into tears because she didn’t know who I was for the past two years. For hours these past two days, I sat there wether she was awake or asleep, held her hand, and talked to her, and she gave me a smile today and yesterday. She was so weak, yet she still tried to reach out for me, to hold my cheek, to touch my hair, she wanted to kiss my forehead. I saw her eyes begin to tear up, and just. I’m a mess right now. Death isn’t something that has hurt me to this extreme before, as I watched my grandfather pass of cancer when I was 9. With how horribly irresponsible my great uncle and aunt are treating this (they are the loud ones, causing so many issues) I’m still a minor, and I feel like I’m being traumatized again. To watch her slip away. Can she even understand me? Even if not, I know she understands the feeling of holding my hand, and looking into my eyes. Sorry this is so long, I really needed to let this out
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ptsd
|
So I looked at my memories on snapchat from 2 years ago and I heard my abuser's voice in the video. I thought i was okay and that it didn't bother me but it's just been lingering all day and i just burst into tears. He's dead now, it'll be a year august 2nd, but it's like he's still here. I just want it to go away. i'm tired of living like this. I feel like i can never have one good day.
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ptsd
|
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwwwEAAn4FQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwwwEAAn4FQ)
It's basically a forcing function where Laura is forced to turn off the power by removing the shop keys from the hook.
[The Design of Everyday Things](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/840.The_Design_of_Everyday_Things) has a super chapter on this so Laura's switch is a form of a lock-in where you can't leave the shop without first turning of the power.
Snippet below is from [Key Takeaways from The Design of Everyday Things](https://sherry-lin.medium.com/key-takeaways-from-the-design-of-everyday-things-chapter-4-57e6061c108d)
## Constraints That Force the Desired Behavior
Forcing functions are a form of [physical constraint](https://milkr.io/yuuy/The-Design-of-Everyday-Things/21): situations in which the actions are constrained so that failure at one stage prevents the next step from happening.
* **Interlocks** Microwave ovens and devices with interior exposure to high voltage use interlocks as forcing functions.
* **Lock-ins** Standard lock-ins exist on many computer applications, where any attempt to exit the application without saving work is prevented by a message prompt asking whether that is what is really wanted.
* **Lock-outs** The pin that prevents a fire extinguisher from being activated until it is removed is a lockout forcing function to prevent accidental discharge.
Super useful technique ideas for people with ADHD!
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ADHD
|
A while ago I got an intrusive thought that my mom will die before christmas. Now I find signs supporting the thought in everything. For example opening Facebook and in my front page there’s a post about someones mum dying or about a funeral or something. Is this normal or is it a prediction?
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OCD
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I’m just wondering if anyone has tried this and how it worked for you? Especially people with childhood trauma that wasn’t centered around a single event, but more an ongoing pattern of neglect or abuse, how did you choose one memory to start with? Have you done the protocol multiple times? My therapist wants me to do it, but it will be a financial burden for me and I guess I just want someone to tell me it is worth it. Thank you.
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ptsd
|
In fact, I’m gaining weight because I’ve been craving a lot of sweets. It doesn’t help that Halloween candy is everywhere! But before I took a break, I was on Concerta for 2 years and had to drink protein shakes to keep the weight on.
Has this happened to anyone? I don’t understand what’s going on.
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ADHD
|
Right now i really wanna watch some anime or a movie but i fucking cant bc of my OCD. Whenever i watch I couldnt focus bc im either paranoid about something OCD related or intrusive thoughts are always present while im watching or I would be rewinding certain scenes multiple times bc my OCD thinks i mightve misread something.
I had to take a break bc OCD ruined many great movies/anime for me, and I aint letting that happen ever again in the future. So i made a deal to myself not to watch any show until my OCD becomes manageable.
Fuck you OCD. Just fuck you. If it werent for you, life would be a lot easier and I could be watching movies/anime rn.
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OCD
|
i have my intake appointment at the neurofeedback office in my area on friday, and i’d like to see what everyone else’s experience was like.
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ptsd
|
I started taking medication (Wellbutrin SR and XL) this fall and combining that with going back to school in person was rough :,) I started off feeling nauseous and emotional but I was able to focus better and I did super well on my hard classes. I was switched to XL and I got an allergic reaction so I went off my medication completely and tanked my last two tests for that class. I went on Wellbutrin SR again for the last few weeks of fall and I did above average for my final 😭 I don’t know if I should still celebrate even though I didn’t get a high grade in that class overall. I’m just bummed that I could have gotten higher if I wasn’t off Wellbutrin or I wish I could’ve experienced this medicine sooner. I don’t know if this is a rant or celebration…? I just feel very accomplished because I’ve always had trouble taking exams and doing well on them in college.
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ADHD
|
Long time lurker in this sub and finally have something to ask, albeit pretty dumb lol.
To explain, I obviously breath but subconscious shallow breaths. I guess what you could call the bare minimum. Anyways, I’ve been trying to take big ol conscious deep bois instead and as I was doing that just now I started wondering how y’all feel about or perhaps relate to that.
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ADHD
|
Just gotta say there’s so much I wanna say yet can’t at the same time I just can’t get everything out without needing to write a fking book but I just wanna say I’m having major issues right now feeling worthy of anything …which has made it so much easier in the past over and over to take my ex abuser back…I don’t feel worthy for anyone or anything …I feel I have nothing to offer anyone I feel like my issues aren’t fixable ..anytime I get close to some type of success my ptsd kicks in and it’s self sabotage
Severe anxiety mode ..I can’t work not even an at home job without being triggered …I’m fking useless I can’t function normally outside my home period …I feel like I bother my friends with my very existence at times I find myself goin out my way and caring for them and I just feel like they just pity me and feel an obligation to be somewhat nice being that I’m nice to them …i had a fallin out with my weirdo therapist …i feel like no one gives a shit about me ..I feel like a waste of space ….
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ptsd
|
Recently diagnosed with CPTSD and I’ve used weed daily to cope with living for the past 10 years. I’ve been sober for 5 days and everything sets me off into deep sadness and anger. While failing deeply at self soothing I’ve tried reaching out to almost every single person in my close support system and everyone is too busy or too into their own shit to hold any space for me. This triggers my deepest abandonment. I have no desires to cope with sex or hookups or meaningless interactions, but it would be really nice to just have someone hold me while I cry.
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ptsd
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I struggle with social interactions. I can push through random interactions, but what really drains me is interactions within my friends group. They say so many things that I find cruel or insensitive, sometimes just absolutely clueless and I feel so outside of things. And I call them out for the shitty offensive jokes they make, but I still feel very foreign. My parents keep saying I’ll find somewhere that I belong but it has been 22 years and so far humans just make me really sad. Is this normal? Does anyone have any tips?
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aspergers
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okay, we've all heard it before. "have you tried using a planner?"
it's usually said so condescendingly that i just got angry at the mere concept; like, you really think ADHD is just "ooh squirrel!"? ugh!
well, it turns out that i live and breathe by my planner... lol. the freebie weekly planner given by my college every yr had all the important campus dates in it, plus some free coupons. saved my life. BUT - not in the way neurotypicals suggested to me. and they're still annoying 🙄
the one downside was that it was dated, which means that it's rigid and if i miss one week (or a month even, lbr) it's such a waste of paper. plus, it didnt allow for more ideas like hobby planning or enough room for menial tasks that NTs wouldnt bother penning down.
before i really read into the original bujo method, i just browsed studygram and hit purchase on a mossery planner. used it for about 2 weeks. i could've used that money on a bunch of fluffy socks, man. still sad about it.
i just finished reading ryder carroll's book, and honestly? it is so efficient. it's basically the end of the year, so im not buying a whole book until january, but i've been testing it out with just a spare notebook. feels fantasic.
i might get a rhodia goalbook, that smooth creamy ivory paper is making me drool.
to me, it feels nicer than an app, because it forces you into a moment of concentration where you slow down and really think about sorting things out. and you're not two swipes away from going on youtube. plus you can put stickers on it.
mine is super bare bones, no calligraphy, no elaborate spreads, just point after point, but i feel so organised and knowing i have everything laid out for me makes me way less anxious. adhd needs structure.
hoping i make it to the end of 2022 happier than i am now. and you guys too, however you choose to spend it.
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ADHD
|
I’ve been reading a lot and I’m pretty sure asperger’s symptoms describe some of my negative personality traits. I’m worried my marriage is beyond repair. Has anyone saved their marriage or relationship? Will therapy help me act normal? Should I just let her go so she doesn’t have to deal with me anymore?
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aspergers
|
Just turned 22 and I haven’t done anything I hate this life I live. I’ve been wanting to kms because I’m a waste of a life. I’m a fucken bum
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depression
|
Hello all! Hope this is allowed!
I have my first medication review this week. Despite having no reason to, I’ve suddenly become very anxious about it. I’m not getting on with my current medication (Atomoxetine, 3x10mg) as I’ve had some pretty rough side effects with no benefit whatsoever.
I got the impression that they’re keen for these meds to work as there’s less red-tape around them, being non-stimulants. I’m anticipating scenarios where my doctor says something along the lines of “stick with it. They take a while to work” (it’s been nearly 10 weeks) or “let’s put you on a higher dose, see if that helps”. I’m definitely not the most assertive person, so despite my doctor being lovely, this is a definite possibility.
Do any of you have success stories in negotiating new medication? I’d be really interested to hear
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ADHD
|
I have several psychiatric disorders and have been neglecting to take care of myself this year, in particular, to the point where the simplest tasks seem like a challenge and I'm lagging behind on important day-to-day things. how can I keep up with attending to my personal needs when feeling down?
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depression
|
I use tiktok a lot, and just for some reason today my entire for you page is all of my OCD triggers. I’ve been in this slump today and no matter what I do the whole world just feels dark. I don’t like it when it’s dark, I feel dirty and sad, and hopeless. It’s that time of the month, and it just gets so much worse for like four days. I want to read my favorite book, but I’m worried it’s gonna flavor it with sadness or something. And I have a big life change coming up, so that’s stressful. And I’ve been on a lupus flare for days. I’m gonna try to make tomorrow better.
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OCD
|
On paper my life is going well and I’ve recently gotten a lot of good news. However, I’m sad all of the time and for no reason.
I cry like once sometimes twice a week, because I’m so sad. I thought after finals week that I would be happier but I’m just no longer stressed and still just as sad.
Please help me.
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depression
|
I'm an avid tea drinker, but my ADHD often makes me forget that I'm brewing tea, so I will boil water on my electric kettle, put the tea satchet in the mug and during the 2-5 minutes that I have to wait until is done I will get restless and start doing something else. I will remember an hour later when it's already cold and nasty. Does everybody go through the same thing?
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ADHD
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This is a self diagnosis afterall for the meantime as I really want to be properly diagnosed and understand why I think like this but as of right now that professional option is out of my reach
I resonate with a lot of symptoms as to hyperactivity, distractible and all but,
I genuinely don’t find myself good at anything (Not even skill related, just in an area for a hyperfixation in general) but that’s mainly because the moment I try and immerse myself into a topic I like, I get distracted by something else and when I try to get into it again, I get distracted again. The cycle repeats until I just give up and feel burn out for my efforts. I no longer look into it again and it’s like I put it in a drawer that I never open. It becomes draining.
I lose interest in a lot of my tasks.
I do experience ADHD paralyses (or at least what fits into the criteria), but it’s just a symptom than a whole confident diagnosis. Maybe I am experiencing a blockage but it is not for ADHD.
It’s just that I’m always seeing hyperfixations as the strong factor of having ADHD but I don’t resonate with that. I’m just thinking that it’s me being burnt out and having poor time management than having ADHD.
it hurts my brainhhdudbwrhud
I’m currently even skipping classes because I want to figure out what’s up with my brain but I can barely find anything on the web that’s relatable.
TL;DR
I think I’m either faking my ADHD cuz I don’t have a hyperfixation, trying to invest myself into something is me getting distracted and then forgetting about it but then trying again and then being distracted again and again until I'm burnt out and won't risk the tediois energy loss
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ADHD
|
I’m on meds and I have tools from therapy but I still end up in the ADHD socialization shame spiral. On the rare chance I get invited out, I end up getting super caught up because I’m so excited to be out socializing which result is in me excessively talking and over sharing which gets the shame ball rolling. Afterwards, I’ll end up obsessively analyzing every word I spoke and all the reactions if I can remember them. Then the anxiety and depression kicks in for a minute and I withdrawal from society and avoid any human interaction possible even if someone asks me to hang out. Is this just something that takes practice? Or is there something I can be doing to make this not happen?
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ADHD
|
For the past 14 hours I have been scared shitless of being possessed by a demon. There seems to be a lot of people who believe in them. I have not exhibited signs of possession but im so scared. PLEASE HELP ME
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OCD
|
I really just need to let all this shit out cause I feel like everything is getting worse constantly and as far as I'm concerned its not gonna get any better. recently there has been things come up in my life that has made already existing things even worse and I really cant cope with it anymore.
I've been manipulated and lied to almost my whole life and my earliest memory is a depressing one. recently things have been getting worse and I have self harmed on multiple occasions and i honestly have thought about just ending it all. I thought that my depression started in Year 6 on Primary school (around 11 years old) but I don't know if it started earlier when I really look back at when my head was being filled with all these lies and manipulation. I am trying to get help at the moment and I have been diagnosed with severe depression, but even if I'm trying to get help and have been more open to family and friends I still cry myself to sleep, and I have been thinking more and more about suicide and I don't know if I'm going to make it to my 18th birthday or even the new year. I feel like something is wrong with me, I just feel like my brain works slower than others and it makes people angry when I don't get things or I misinterpret things and I have to apologise because of it, it makes me feel worthless and that I'm stupid and that I don't amount to as much as others. I've never had a family like my siblings did and while I at least have my mum and dad whereas others don't and I'm grateful that i have them it still doesn't fill the whole I had in my heart, I've still always been jealous of my siblings for being able to have an actual family that isn't filled with lies and manipulation. they've had my mum and dad in the same room without them hating each other. Also I just want to clarify that my mum hasn't done anything bad to me, its my dads side of the family, and while I know they all love me I don't think they fully grasp the damage they've done. sometimes I think that my parents splitting was my fault, I mean it was fine until I was born. sometimes I think that maybe things would be different if I wasn't born. anyways I don't really know if people will care to read this but I just needed to say something. there's more that I want to say but ill just keep this one shortish and if there are any spelling or grammar issues I apologise, It might just be a dumpster fire and it might be full of me just complaining, I'm not sure. well if you got this far then thank you for caring enough to read
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depression
|
I can’t have friends and good grades at the same time. It takes so MUCH effort to have just one.
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depression
|
i recently got prescribed adderall and just finished up my first month a week or so ago. i was given 10mg XR and 10mg IR and i've found that 10mg XR in the morning and 2.5-5mg in the early evening is a good balance for me.
anyway, i switched pharmacies and ended up with Alvogen 10mg IR. previously i got Sandoz and they did the job really well and were very smooth but these are just bad. it just doesn't give me that push i need.
i've only been taking IR for the past week as my pharmacy ran out of XR, hence \[unsuccessfully\] switching pharmacies. back when i was taking XR + IR at night, i was so motivated to do things all the that i would constantly find something to do or something to fix. now with this shit generic i'm just not feeling it.
for me, it just makes me feel like i have the ability to focus but doesn't actually make me focus that well at all. sure it gives me energy but i'm not really getting that lift / push / motivation.
is this a valid point to bring up to my doctor? can she even do anything? i'm even willing to go to her office and dump these in the trash just to give her peace of mind incase she thinks i'm trying to squeeze more drugs out of her.
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ADHD
|
I was diagnosed last year after my children were and I really felt like I finally understood myself and the different challenges in my life. I was raised by a narcissist step father and my mother who I believe is either autistic as well or possibly a bit narcissistic and from as early as I can remember I have had differences between myself and others my age. I’ve suddenly began questioning if I could be a narcissist or more specifically a covert narcissist. I don’t ever intend to seem narcissistic and I don’t try to hurt anyone or frustrate anyone but I’ve had people tell me I only think of myself or that I’m narcissistic when I didn’t realize I was coming off this way. Did anyone else worry about this? Or have any good information on the differences between autism and narcissism? I’ve even questioned if maybe I’m a sociopath or something because unless I can connect someone’s experience to something I’ve experienced I don’t always understand or feel anything emotionally (I will still show compassion and sympathy but without feeling any emotional change inside) anyone else have thoughts or worries about this kind of thing?
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aspergers
|
Since you all have ADHD I know that you all have hundreds of videos in your watch later playlist on YouTube. This extension lets you select multiple (or all) videos in a playlist to delete or move to another playlist. I'm not affiliated with these but it's been super useful for me.
Firefox: [https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/multiselect-for-youtube/](https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/multiselect-for-youtube/)
Chrome: [https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/multiselect-for-youtube/gpgbiinpmelaihndlegbgfkmnpofgfei?hl=en](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/multiselect-for-youtube/gpgbiinpmelaihndlegbgfkmnpofgfei?hl=en)
​
Does anyone else have any extensions or tools like this that make their ADHD life a bit easier?
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ADHD
|
I just feel really good today and I’m having a really good morning. I started medication recently and it’s actually been helping. It feels like such a relief to actually be progressing a little bit. That’s all, and I hope everyone has a good day too :)
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ptsd
|
I've been able to get my driver's permit, go out on my own, do ERP work for driving ocd, doing my best to stop doing so many compulsions for other themes. I've also been taking care of myself better and getting work done. Life isn't "stagnant" anymore.
Yet I'm really unhappy, the more I leave my house the more I see what I've missed out on. The more I compare myself to how other people are living life. My genuine goal a year ago was to just be able to survive and now that doesn't make me happy anymore. I want to live like a normal person, date, get married, do all that fulfilling shit. I don't really have a lot of friends anymore, I have two real friends, one of whom I had feelings for but it was one-sided so I got over it I guess. All I do is work on stuff and keep busy to prevent going crazy.
I'm slipping into a really terrible episode of depression, my ocd has been relentless because all the changes and life moving ahead is triggering the fuck out of it.
All I could think about today while I was out was "maybe I should just give up and end it, is this all really worth it" and I snapped out of it.
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OCD
|
I (21F) take 36mg Concerta ER every day. I just woke up at noon, so i’m already debating skipping my dose. I’m partying tonight for a friends 21st and we plan to go pretty hard, and i also want to have my quote-unquote “fun” personality tonight (off my meds)…
I haven’t skipped a dose in a HOT minute and can’t remember if i’m gonna feel out of it if i don’t take my meds rn. Anyone have any input as to if i should take my dose or not?
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ADHD
|
In my dream last night, I was being cornered by a guy in an elevator who was trying to touch me. I was tipsy and scared. As he got closer, I pushed him back and grabbed him by the jaw and said “don’t you dare fucking touch me” and kept him in the corner till the doors opened. I ran back to my room and sobbed. I woke up and smiled and was so proud of dream me!
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ptsd
|
Who else feel that their depression got worse?
These days, all I want is to cry. Cry my heart out until probably there's only blood left to cry.
I feel so sick. Because of depression I noticed that I am eating quite a lot that seems I just want to throw up (didn't ever happen anyways) then I tried to eat less, but I don't think I'm eating less. I feel depressed all the time and I am always trying to deny or ignore it convincing myself that I will dissappear but I am just fooling myself. But in reality, I am just bottling it up until I explode again. It is always like that. Over and over again.
But, I don't have a freedom to cry how I feel. I don't live alone nor with my family. I'm living with foreign family and work for them as housekeeper. So, I have to face them every day and I don't just cry and make my eyes all puffy and let them know how I do because I can't risk losing my work. I am a breadwinner and my family lives on the other side of the country. I am the only one giving all their needs.
It's hard relying and be strong for myself knowing that I have people that rely on me on everything and I don't.
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depression
|
I have this constant lingering feeling that something is wrong about existence and life and everything, it's like something is quite not right, but I can't understand what it is and it makes me feel a mix of constant sadness and mild anxiety. This is absolutely THE worst thing I experience, worse than the OCD compulsions. It is particularly bad specially if I have nothing to do or I'm bored.
Is this feeling relatable to anyone?
Is this feeling caused by OCD?
How can I get better? This feels horrible
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OCD
|
Hello my child [12] dx with ASD - Aspergers high functioning -
- has recently told me to not tell anyone they are autistic or on the spectrum. They feel embarrassed and ashamed. They specifically do not like the term "autistic" and makes them feel "disabled" they believe people will think they are of low functioning non verbal autism traits.
They want to just not have autism and not discuss it or talk about it. They want it to go AWAY. It causes them extreme stress to talk about it in reference to themselves.
I want to respect their wishes.
Can anyone please help me and may be explain this to me a little better.
I don't see a stigma attached to the words but I also do not live with asd so I have a difficult time getting on their level with this particular issue.
Thank you for listening and helping a parent out. I really want my child to feel like They have a voice and options.
|
aspergers
|
Soo a friend of mine have depression because of her family she still doesn't tell me exactly but she is opening herself a little bit more to talk about her problems she use to live with her cousin family until her cousin met some random girl on the internet and that girl was jealous of the relationship of my friend and her cousin and over the course of a year maybe a little bit more that girl that her cousin met began to distance them, isolating my friend on her cousing house then she move out from there and after a couple of months her cousin started to speak ill of my friend like she is toxic and was trying to manipulating her i told my friend all of those things her cousing is saying about her and now she is sad every day and she deleted almost all of her social media even her twitter that served as her job she says she is gonna make another one but i know she wont.
well thats the story with a little of cut parts because too long and my english is not that good for write the whole thing, but the main thing what i can do to cheer her up, and make her feel a little bit better?
im always trying to talk to her she calls me sometimes and i listen everything she has to say but i dont know i feel that is not enough sometimes, she has like 3 days telling me she is gonna call me tomorrow but she is feeling so bad that she doesnt wanna talk. any ideas ?
|
depression
|
I just went back to therapy and have finally accepted my diagnosis. I was diagnosed years ago but never really connected it to my symptoms. I had a bunch of them prior to PTSD and I always just thought that I had a mental illness and had trauma not that trauma caused it. I have never talked about most of my trauma in therapy. How do you do it? I want to but every time I try to I get very dizzy and nauseated and can't think clearly and then I just can't say anything.
|
ptsd
|
So i have undiagnosed ADHD. Currently I cant get a diagnosis due to family, insurance, etc. Thus I cannot be medicated. Is there anyone out there whose not medicated who has advice on how to finish things? I can finish important things like work because consequences, but when it comes to video games and writing (my hobbies) I just. Cant finish things lol. It's the most frustrating thing for me, personally, especially cause writing is what I think I wamna do as a career, I enjoy it a lot and I love telling stories, but oops cant finish anything I start!
|
ADHD
|
I'm in my 20's, and I was formally diagnosed with OCD a couple of years, but I've had it since I was 4 or 5 years old. My parents first took me to the doctors as a kid (aged 6) because I was having very dark, intrusive thoughts worrying that me or my family would come to harm, if I didn't perform certain actions or rituals. At the same time, I also had developed a huge fear of choking, and would refuse to eat in school or places I felt unsafe, because I was convinced that I would choke and die. To this day, I still struggle massively with eating and fear of choking, and it's been so bad the last couple of months I have had to chew up my food into microscopic pieces so that I can swallow or consume only liquids. I digress, I was put into therapy (aged 6) where I remember drawing pictures and colouring in, so I believe I was just prescribed a form of art therapy with the school counsellor. I didn't really open up to the therapist, because the other kids in my class kept asking me why I was taken out of class and why I had to visit the school counsellor. I didn't feel normal because of this, so I felt ashamed and I shut down and didn't speak. That therapy didn't do much, because the obsessive and compulsive thoughts returned. Then, I was hyper focused on my health, to the point at 9 years old I convinced myself I had breast cancer (after a family member was diagnosed). I was so worried that I asked my parents to go to the doctor because my chest 'hurt' (from poking and checking my chest), because I was convinced I had breast cancer too and I could die. I didn't divulge the fears of breast cancer, I just said that my chest hurt, because I wanted the doctor to tell me I was okay.
These problems have just got worse and worse. I have had terrible and daily intrusive thoughts during my childhood and teenage years, and was certain in my teens that I must be crazy and not 'normal'. However, now, I am hyper focused on my swallowing and my breathing, and these processes have turned from unconscious to conscious, and the focus on my swallowing has caused me to lose weight. I get incredibly worried about my health too. I check my blood pressure, oxygen saturation, my urine (with test sticks), my heart rate, my body for any signs of disease e.g lumps and bumps. I used to spend 6-10 hours a day of engaging in reassurance seeking behaviours. I used to check my vitals 100-200 times a day combined, because I was worried I would become unwell or get a life-ending illness.
I don't remember a time that I felt normal. I don't remember a time where I wasn't mentally unwell. My aunt had OCD, but it developed in her 40's, and I felt somewhat envious, because she knew that 'normality' was possible for her. She knew what life was like \*before\*, during and after suffering with debilitating mental illness. Now, she's better, and I am glad about that. But, part of me, deep down wants that healing for myself, but it doesn't seem possible. I don't know what my life would look like without mental illness, because my first memories in life are tainted by. I don't have a \*before\* or \*after\* mental health picture to look at.
Can anyone else relate?
|
OCD
|
So I was going to ask this in the gas subreddit but you can’t post there; any how, So there are thought processes I have that I find embarrassing and I for some reason for the life of me being up to my therapist. It drives me even more crazy because I know these thoughts are silly and don’t make sense but I still have them. Is there a reason for this?!
|
OCD
|
I (HFA) have several friends that are very conservative and several that are very liberal. I struggle to navigate the conflict with the inevitable political disagreements. How do others handle this?
|
aspergers
|
I’m 19M and I’ve struggled with my appearance and weight for my entire life. I did lose a lot of weight a few years ago, but I think it was more of me just growing. I’m trying to work out and eat healthier but my d*pression really holds me back from getting the motivation to work out every day.
Anyways, while walking back from class today (I’m in college) a random guy in his car rolled down the window and told me that I need to wear a bra and he was laughing. I didn’t say anything and just kept walking but was obviously a little embarrassed and became insecure because I’ve always struggled with losing chest fat for some reason. Now my head is telling me “you need to stop eating so much, you already had lunch, so skip dinner, and then go to the gym and don’t stop working out until your boobs are gone” and idk what to do
|
depression
|
Ok so, after I was SA at 13 I wanted absolutely nothing to do with anything sexually. Like , didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to hear someone else talk about it and didn’t have any desire to participate. I dated a couple people but never went past regular kissing. And now suddenly I actually have desires? When I first started seeing my current S/O I was still kind of in the “Don’t touch me more than a little at a time” mindset but that quite frankly went out the window about 4 days in and now, almost a year later I can’t understand why I never felt like this before? Has this happened to anyone else? Swinging from “heck no, no touchie” to “pls gimme attention and idc if it involves BDSM, bring it on”. Just wondering if I’m alone on this or if this is a normal thing
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ptsd
|
My sister and i do nt fight like we used too. Looking back on things i have a vague memory of hitting a point where i could feel like my brain was just past its limits in terms of day after day my sister insighting my rage with a tinny, drawn out "buddy". She would repeat when she was bored and wanted to get me or whatever. I started meditating in high school out of nessesity, i felt. So anxious.
It would work like a charm, id drop the practice, not having learned my lesson, cpositive changes in the body, getting a fuller and deeper tool-set, using new now-perceptible suble body sensationan.
Thats the way im saing this memory is like a felt experience more than a top of mind kind of memory. And that its only my intuition it contributed to back-of-head headaches
|
aspergers
|
Today a seminar was cancelled I had a free day. At first I just sat down until 11am. Then a friend asked a question I hyperfixated on and after that I...
- ...sent my wedding photos to the printing guy (I got married 1.5 yrs ago and I still only have digital copies of our wedding);
- ...ordered make-up table and
- ...cabinet for bathroom that I have been postponing for 3 yrs now.
Yes, I also lost my phone for half an hour but these 3 things are so big steps each that they need celebration!
|
ADHD
|
So much has happened to me, I’m not even 15 yet. My dad said that this isn’t hard, adulthood is harder. If that’s true, what even is the point..?
I’m not gonna do anything to myself of anything tho, just venting. Check my post history if u wanna see the context I guess
Probably gonna delete this later lol
-Lyric/Unknown
|
ptsd
|
Where a few months ago these thoughts would’ve plagued me, I would’ve stressed excessively over their reality and what was really true - I’m truly coming to a place where I can handle them. There’s still days when they’re really bad, and I wish it was getting better faster. It still sucks - I still hate having the feelings and hate thinking awful things about people I love, but you know what? They’re just thoughts. Little tendrils of my soul, floating around in existence - but damnit, I am a real person and carry much more weight than these stupid ass thoughts.
I’m better than them. And I’ll be okay.
Affirmation for the day: I KNOW what’s real. I KNOW who I am, who those I love are, what’s actuality and not a twisted false reality claimed by my OCD. I’m smarter than that, duh. ❤️
|
OCD
|
I hate this I want to be in control of life and what I do but I can’t I know what I need I need a higher dosage on my meds but no my parents won’t do that for me and keep yelling at me when I can’t help it I’m so tierd of this I want to give just because of what I can’t help my self with
Now I have to make this 300 words long lol I can’t do anything lol I just don’t wanna live anymore not gonna lie lol I just hate that I can’t do anything right lol I don’t know why I can’t even do anything anymore I’m so ashamed of myself
|
ADHD
|
Almost 28 years old and I've never had a sex life all I can think about is what I've missed and the fact that I'm all alone for yet another fucking holiday and how when I finally get the chance I'll probably need Viagra and shit just to have a normal sex life like most kids do at 18. I honestly wanna die all I do is work and come home to a shit apartment
|
depression
|
in her whole life, she has worked exactly 10 years to qualify for ssa. her highest salary in her life is $15/hr. the maximum amount of money she made in her lifetime is $312,000 (15/hr * 2080 *10)
she used to be religious but seems no more. she spends exactly 5 mins per day on religion compared to 1 hour per day before. (she is quite a religious person before)
she has stories why she doesnt go to work, but what i feel is, her personality is too aggressive to get along with others. she is very nagging, loud voice, etc.
she has hated every single coworker she ever had. she is always paranoid of bullying, for example, if there was a stray nail on the driveway, shed go nuts saying the neighbor put it there
she is very difficult to deal with
i asked her how happy her life is. she says its ok. i asked her when was the last time her life was on upward trajectory. she cant even think of a time; she says when she dies, she doenst even want family to visit. just cremate her so she can get out of this world asap
she has ocd. places things down and picks it up 5 times before deciding on a spot
do all of these factors point to depression?
* no positive uplook on life
* ocd
* paranoia
* aggressive behavior, difficult
* always busy at home, never has time for anything
* no visitors wanted at her funeral
* lost nearly all faith in religion
|
depression
|
u know whatt. this disease is literally garbage i need to get it out of my system!!! who the fuck said yeah lets give people ocd?? god? he truly gives his hardest battles to his weakest warriors because i am SO TIRED!!!! like why the fuck is it like i have a biased jury in my head trying to convict me of every crime possible with no evidence. like why is my brain making fake fucking memories to accompany my intrusive thoughts?? like ocd is such a discriptive story teller already 😍 i absolutely do not need some visuals and to think it actually fucking happened?!???????? i want out (not in a dangerous way i just wish i had an ocd vaccum.)
|
OCD
|
After 1000 burnouts and one open discussion, my asd + adhd man said he feels ok on his part but if that s not ok for me, he can change things if possible but he already (in his opinion) offers me the most time and attention and he doesnt offer it to anyone else
We talk like.. maximum 5-15 minutes/ day, basic stuff and he always delays his answer, never answers calls and when we get into deep subjects he runs away for undefinite amount of time
I kept explaining him how it makes me feel. But he ends up always doing it. I feel unappreciated and i really love him
Please recommend me some links where he can read about these interactions. He said he is open to learn but he said it before when i tried to explain myself. Maybe i suck at explaining. So please, recommend me some links and websites that cna help an adhd man to understand how to relationate closer with a friend/girl/gf/etc
How or when it is ok to express some feelings and so on.
Maybe a link will help him more. I want to help him because he asked me to now. Thank you
|
ADHD
|
I’ve been taking concerta for 2 days now but the stomach pains are really bad to the point where I feel like it’s not worth taking it anymore. It’s been making me constipated too. Is this normal? I tried taking it with food twice the first time I took it I had my food about 30 minutes before and I didn’t get stomach pain until the end of the day and the second time I took it was 2 days later (and I was still having a little stomach pain I guess bc the concerta didn’t leave my body yet?) and when I took it the second time I took it right before I ate my food and it made the pain so much worse. I don’t know what to do to make it stop does anyone have any tips?
|
ADHD
|
I was wondering if I had my friends carry around a water bottle and they knew by the TERRIFIED look on my face that I'm about to start running through the establishment screaming a dead loved one's name, if they would splash me in the face with the water if that would keep me present. Haven't tried it yet. Has anyone tried something like that?
|
ptsd
|
I’m sitting here in my bed, i need to take my zoloft. My brains telling me I already taken it, or, if i take it i’m going to take more than one. I can feel it in my hands a phantom feeling of me going to get my bottle of pills. This only happens when it comes to time to take my medication.
Another scenario, if i’m in the bathroom and I see a bottle of bleach or chemical, my brain tells me “you drank it and you’re just going to die” even though i haven’t even touched it.
PLEASE help . I cannot afford a therapist and I know it’s in my head. Everyone tells me I’m crazy but I know i’m not. It’s just these intrusive thoughts.
Anyone else like this?
|
OCD
|
I have to wear a mask, a fake happy face, in order to not rub people the wrong way, or being them down becasue I am struggling so hard. I guess no one wants to be around someone who is miserable and struggling with things they can't understand.
I struggle to relate to people anymore, and to have social interactions that don't feel disingenuous and staged. Dating doesn't go well,, woman tend to sense something amiss, red flags, and understandably steer clear. I can't really make friends, I struggle to integrate socially.
Im so alone, sometimes I think about ending it. Online socializing isn't lasting, real. Support groups tend not to last, and often stress me out. I want to fit in, I want to be able to make friends, connect with people, and not have to hide my life like it's a dirty secret. I don't want to only be able to hang around with other people who are suffering because no one else wants to be bothered with me.
Honestly, I don't know why I go on anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm radioactive, and crying myself to sleep at night. Often I wish I had died instead of survived my trauams, because this empty, fake life isn't worth the pain I endure to living it.
|
ptsd
|
I don't know how unusual this is, but I feel like I'm not the only one doing this. Most of the time I have the Battlefield theme in my head, or any song I've listened to in the past few days. This has been going on for years, as far as I can tell. Does anyone relate to this?
|
aspergers
|
⚠️ Mentioned- blood, cars and an ambulance ⚠️
During freshman year of college , I watched someone I knew get hit by a car, I watched them roll onto the windshield and lay there bleeding. I heard my bus driver screaming and then she yelled for help as someone called 9-1-1. We sat there watching as EMT took him into an ambulance then watched as the sirens were turned on and they drove away. After that a officer asked if we were all okay and we finally went home. I have had his memory blocked for the last 2 years and I just now am starting to remember it.
|
ptsd
|
What type of things to yall do to cope with july 4th / fireworks?
From a ptsd gal in Arkansas:/
|
ptsd
|
I used to daily drive a truck with a keyless entry and start. These keys were easy to forge buy criminals, so experts recommended locking the door from the handle then closing it. I did this for 5 years exclusively. Now I have a car that requires you pull out the fob, open the door, and stick the key in the ignition. (it 4 years newer, why can't it catch up!?!?)
Anyways, old habits are hard to kill. This morning was the 3rd damn time I forget my key inside the car, lock the door from the inside and leave. This time I realized the mistake I made the second I closed the door. I did my phone, wallet keys check...and gasped at keys.
How do you guys do it so you don't always forget your keys in the car? Im at the point where I want to get a fish hook, tie it to the key, and the jam the hook into my palm so I feel it every time Im walking out without them.
I just go an idea as I write this. I always tell my gf not to leave the car until I open the door for her. I'll just tie her up in there so I can remember to not lock the door because Im walking to the other side to open her door! Even better, Im gonna tape up the lock controls so I feel it when Im locking the door.
|
ADHD
|
To start, I likely have all 3. Lately, though, I've been feeling like I can never "catch up"- my job has been very difficult the last 2 years, really, where all I want to do when I get home is lie down and turn my brain off. This leads to depression and the house turning into a wreck. However, on the weekends/days when I have energy, I find myself fogoing doing fun things/restoring my spoons, if you're familiar with that theory, in favor of cleaning the house and watering the plants and doing the million other chores that seem to never end. Is this normal? Is "adult" life just not fun anymore?
|
ADHD
|
I (21f) as an adolescent did something that I deem unforgivable. I don't know why I did it, I really wish I didn't. I have chosen not to elaborate on this because it's really too difficult for me to talk about and the only person I have told is my therapist.
It was years ago now and I hope to have changed since then. I only just remembered last year as I was trying to sleep. I had insecure thoughts about myself and how I don't know why my partner even loves me and then it just popped into my head like that. I panicked and I didn't sleep that night. I also told my mother and she didn't seem upset with me which I found weird. I couldn't concentrate on my studies and had trouble eating.
It comes and goes every now and then but lately it's been back to bug me along with many questions. Why? Why am I acting like this is okay? Why do I feel I deserve a normal life or to be loved or to be happy? So much rumination.
I feel I don't deserve anything, I even felt like confessing, I am too scared to confess to my partner because he will be so grossed out and leave and I love him and I don't want him to leave me.
I'm sick to my stomach and terrified. I feel I was born messed up and even though I would never do that ever again because it sickens me what if I'm just pretending. You know how some people are just born psychopaths.
I really don't know what to do. I've had thoughts of ending my life but never had the courage to do so. I'm so lost. I feel I should be punished. I don't know what's wrong with me I really don't. I've been crying on and off all day
|
OCD
|
sorry, long post. Need to get it out.
Three years ago I went no contact with mom, I suspect she's a narc.
Part of me has wanted to contact her, partly so I can partake at family gatherings again, and because other family members kept pushing me to contact her which has been stressful.
yesterday I invited her to my apartment. It went fine for the most part, expect that some of her stressful behavior began manifesting as soon as she had entered.
I have lived here for 4 months and haven't finished decorating yet. She began looking around and said "some fairy lights on the walls would be nice here." then she looked out to my porch "oh, I know a woman giving away her outdoor furniture, they will look great here." I said "maybe... I'll contact her." then she said "No no, I can contact her for you."
I was like "uh, alright.". later that evening I messaged the furniture woman and said I'd take them because I thought it didn't really matter. Today I woke up, felt extremely stressed and pissed off. I realized I don't want them because they're just not to my liking and they take too much space, and I shouldn't take them just to avoid an argument.
I contacted the woman, apologized to her. Haven't heard back from her, and now I just feel bad all around.
When people do what mom did, I usually say yes without thinking because I don't have time to process any of it. When I was 18 and still living with her, she re-decorated my room with stuff she liked while I was out, and I became furious at her when I got home. I can't let her take over again, I've made too much process for her to destroy it.
I met her once and already getting Vietnam flashbacks. Trying to come up with a battle plan.
|
aspergers
|
Ever since I got diagnosed I feel like I can sort everyone’s behavior into obsessions and compulsions etc. am I crazy? Is everyone OCD?
|
OCD
|
Recently, I’ve been really struggling with severe anxiety to the point where I have physical manifestations of the problem and have had many doctors appointments and ER visits where everything turns out to be nothing.
I was doing so well with it all for the past week or two, so this particular incident is extremely frightening and disheartening for me.
I was taking a walk up and down my street on Friday (May 14th) after my doctor’s appointment to relieve some stress. I saw an owner walking their puppy (gray labradoodle) and wanted to pet it because animals have long been a source of calm for me... but the puppy was 5 months old and had typical puppy syndrome (the excitement, the jumping, and, you guessed it, the teething.. 🙃).
So I kinda pet the puppy as best I could with the amount of wigglin and movin it was doing, but it nipped me on my hand a bit. It didn’t break any skin that I know of, and I washed my hands with hot water and antibacterial soap when I got home and used hand sanitizer afterwards to check for any burning that would signal an open wound. No burning, no open wound.
So, one thing about me when I’m in anxiety mode, my memory of small details go caput. So the biggest thing is being afraid of whether or not I touched my eyes or nose or mouth before I washed my hands..
I was able to ignore this for about 2 days, but then I started freaking out on Sunday because my arm started hurting (even tho arm pain is a staple anxiety attack symptom for me), and I started spiraling. I went to the ER, and I saw the girl walking her dog on my way out of the neighborhood and asked if the puppy had all his shots. She said yes, and I’m trying to believe her (she lives in an apartment complex and it’s required by law in my state to have all dogs receive the rabies vaccine before 4 months), but there’s that annoying ass voice in the back of my head.
The ER doctor, the health department nurse, and my primary care doctors all have told me multiple times that I am very low risk of having contracted rabies, and they all feel as though the puppy doesn’t even have rabies in the first place.
I don’t have a fever, I have a headache (but I’ve been getting headaches for weeks now), my arm hurts, my stomach feels icky, and my head/brain feels fuzzy.
I’m so scared because I rationally believe I don’t have rabies, but my anxiety and OCD are making it near impossible to get through this.. I don’t know what to do anymore. My mom is really annoyed with me and my anxiety in general at this point and has kinda labeled me as “the girl who cried wolf” at this point which is making this anxiety worse.
My health anxiety/thanatophobia is intertwined with both OCD and PTSD, so it’s practically debilitating at times. I’m seeing a therapist and she feels like my home dynamic is highly detrimental to my progress and wants me to talk to my doctor about starting meds, see if a change in environment is possible, and ask my mom to go to family therapy with me.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid I’m gonna die.
(I also posted this on the r/HealthAnxiety subreddit as well, I just thought it fit here too :/)
(Also the OCD aspect of the HA is I have an overwhelming compulsion to google my symptoms and obsess over them for hours otherwise I feel like I will die from not acting quickly, as well as the random and overwhelming intrusive thoughts that send me into a frenzy to look for any kind of reassurance to convince me I won’t die. It also includes random thoughts like “If the light turns yellow in 2 seconds, that means I really do have xyz and will die soon.”)
|
OCD
|
You’re in your adult years. Your last few years of your life have been a slow motion car crash in autopilot.
I’ve never been able to hold my side of the bargain in relationships, or friendships. I’m terrified of commitment. I’m terrified of enclosed domestic spaces. I’m terrified of control. I’m terrified of people. I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t want anyone around me. I love everyone. But I also hate everyone. I will always cheerlead people. And in my head I’m gasping for their failure. I’m in so much pain from various abuse I’ve been through in my life. My PTSD diagnosis was no shock to me. Still haven’t got any help with that though. I wasn’t given the opportunity to revoke consent and I never will be. I’ve never got any of my trauma rectified, and never got any closure. I’ve never put my trauma first, always the trauma of others. It was so many years ago. But it haunts me.
I hurt a lot. But I’d never ever try to hurt someone intentionally. I just, don’t enjoy hurting people.
People always tell me I’m a nice person. I really try. I never EVER mean to hurt people. I always want to help others, make them feel great, make them feel comfortable and looked after. But I’ve never managed to make it happen. I always fuck up. I can’t hold relationships. I can’t hold friendships. I always let people down. They get mad. They split hairs, look deeper, analyse all my choices, actions and decisions, and realise I’m just not worth the effort. Or it would make a great social media hit piece. Get your friends in on it too. Sometimes they’ll lie, blow things out of proportion, over analyse and drag me through the dirt.
I’ll never defend myself from various accusations. Why bother? I’ve rolled through the punches. Say whatever you like about me, say whatever you want about me, say whatever story you’ve got to your friends, followers, family, why should I care when I can just blow my brains out and get this shit over and done with? No-one will listen to my nuances. No one will listen to my sides of the stories. No one cares what I said, or did, people made their minds up already. It just doesn’t matter. I’ve never been given the chance to improve. I can’t get help to fix my issues when everyone turns me away and I’m being harassed and targeted at so many different corners. Getting mental health help in my state is impossible. I’m going to have to take the long road, or give up.
I tell myself I have the capacity to open up my heart and take care of people, and make a change. But at the same time, I’m crumbling inside. Some friends see the raw side of me and I wonder why people leave me so often. I’m not okay.
I have some friends that have pledged to be by my side. Help me face my demons. Be there for me. Show me love. Show me happiness. And they do it. But I am fucking terrified one day I’ll let them down too. I don’t know what actions or trauma made me this way.
I approach new people with a different side of me so that I can try and plug the void I’ve created with fresh plaster. But I barely even trust anyone? Why do I do it? What if they’re all just feeding back to the same people that made it very clear the only thing I can do to heal their wounds is cease to exist. I’ve had people fake friendships with me since everything happened, while I was in a vulnerable state, only to get more gossip on me, find out my location, my state, and more.
I thought I made so much progress. I thought I was growing. I thought I was changing as a person. I made new friends, I started living a new life. And recently when I hooked up with a friend, I froze after we were doing it. I thought we were having a good time. But, something happened during it. I backed away from them. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t provide them the aftercare they wanted after our session. They broke down. I didn’t know what to do. I spiralled. I tried to make it right, I DEFINITELY wanted to take care of them, I just freeze during, or after sex. A day later, I lost that friend forever. They told me how they /really/ felt about me. I didn’t suspect a thing. I never knew they saw me that way. I always thought (and was told) I made them feel comfortable and looked after, I never ever could have thought I’d have hurt them. I cut my losses. I walked away from it, I let the love go.
Being told by someone close you loved a lot, wanted to take care of, spent so much time with, adored in so many ways…. how they feel you’ve neglected, hurt and belittled them during your time together breaks you in every way imaginable. I keep trying to be my chirpy, happy self in front of everyone. I’m trying so hard. But I’m falling apart. Everyone knows me to be this happy chirpy person who’s this fun cheerleader and I just can’t do it anymore.
Being falsely accused of sexual assault in the past has created a situation where I now cannot have a healthy sex life. I can’t get hard. When I do, I can’t stay hard. I just can’t do it. Sex is completely ruined for me, all I get is thoughts of the person that gave such a different story to the one I wasn’t able to tell. What if my potential partners are agreeing to sex with me only to regret it later? What if I’m meeting up with people that don’t want to do it with me, but they do it anyway? I’ve never forced someone once in my life. I’ve never been aggressive. I’ve always asked. I’ve never coerced anyone. I’ve only ever been kind, asked, and respected consent. I’ve misread signals before. But I’ve always apologised and been respectful.
I’ve had friends and previous partners tell me the behaviours Ive taken ownership of to improve don’t exist. I’m not this person I’ve painted out in my head and I’m not this person I’ve been told I’ve been before. But who the fuck do I believe? I surely can’t be hurting some people and doing the opposite for others if I have NO intention of hurting people? I can’t be expected to go back and fix every single incident because I have to recount so much trauma. Relationship trauma, environment trauma, other trauma, rage, anger, emotions, I can’t face people anymore. I can’t explain myself. I can’t explain every little micro interaction I’ve had with people. I’ve been analysed to an amount where I just can’t hold a valid discussion about myself or my actions with anyone anymore.
So as I can’t explain any of my actions to people, differentiate what happened from what didn’t, I can’t explain myself, I can’t defend myself, I can’t protect new friend and potential partners, I often think about killing myself. I tried. It was tantalising. So fucking tantalising. I took myself to remote places to try and feel better being alone for once, but life called me back. The thought of being able to release myself from all this pain, making those in my past happy with being able to read about my death, allowing everyone to finally move on and leave me alone is absolutely stunning. I really, really want it. I just constantly keep making excuses for myself or meet people who promise it’s worth it to keep going, who tell me I’m changing, who tell me that I’m not that bad, who tell me that I can fix things, that tell me that I can just move on, that I can be different,
I don’t know. I’m rambling. I’m venting without thinking. I’m writing down whatever’s in my head so I don’t do something more harmful to myself. I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t know why. I don’t know who I am, where I am, or how I’m going to get myself out of this mess, but….
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depression
|
I wanna get diagnosed. I know I’d get diagnosed, but I also know I have OSDD. And having that diagnosis can prevent me from going on hrt, adopting, even driving if it was severe enough. And my worst fear is being too mentally ill and they put me in a hospital for the rest of my life. Can someone please tell me if there’s anything negative that comes along with an ocd diagnosis other than friends and family members not understanding.
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OCD
|
For some reason I’ve always liked pulling down my own bottom lip and feeling the texture skin (once it’s dry) but I also used to do this to my dogs and feel their teeth once they were dry and pull their lips flaps up. It wasn’t sexual but it is weird right? And even when I’m just scratching his ears I like the feeling of his lips (not when they are overly slobbery). Probably bc they’re “sticky” and have a bit more moisture and my hands are normally dry but I really don’t know. I get that this is weird but how weird is it? Is it entering zoophilia territory?
|
OCD
|
Today I had a rough day. I will try to keep it short. I had a disappointing therapy session. Then my mood has been going on a downward spiral. I cannot think right. I feel like I am falling into a depression. I started feeling hopeless and really bad. I've screwed up so many times and wish that I could change the past. I feel lost. I am trying to figure out life. I'm 24m. I'm in a really bad headspace. I feel like theres a lot of things that are wrong with me. Please help. I'll explain if I left out anything.
|
depression
|
I am super depressed and did a burst of crying and wished for something in the cosmos to just burn my soul to oblivion. I am hoping typing this out helps me through this. I never really do this. Ill try to do a summery at the top if this gets too long. Emotions are difficult. The following event has full baring on how I currently feel emotionally.
To start off my uncle was my mothers brother, both were abused by a very sinister step father growing up. He also probably suffered PTSD when in the Army during Desert Storm 91(Bush Sr. war). My mother, grandmother and him were very close. He was in his early 30's or late 20's
When I was around 10 years old. My uncle committed suicide. He was in the beginning process of my aunt divorcing him. Why she wanted to leave I don't have the answer nor do I desire to know. My grandmother and mom was aware of what was going on and was supporting him the best they could being 4-5 hours away with the communication technology of the mid 90's. We lived in a neighboring state from him and it required long distance or collect calls. A long distance call once a week or a few times a month I am sure happened. They did not however, have the finances to just pick up the phone and call every day to check up on him.
I know my grandmother offered to find a new place to live and for him to move in with her and give him what ever he needed. Unfortunately, the one thing he needed was not in her power to give. He knew this and I assumed my grandmother also new this, but tried anyway.
My uncle apparently loved to hunt. It was not odd for him to go hunting by himself once in a while and return a few days later. This probably helped him with any PTSD. He always let people know the general area and how long he would be gone for. He ended up being missing for more than week or close to a week. Again no cell phones, so you cant call a person and check on them and have others try to ultimately put in a missing person request the same day or next day
They put a missing person request to the police and began searching for him. They believe he probably wanted to be found after commuting suicide. It did not take long to find him when the search began. They had to go in a dens forested area up in the mountains to find him. He was around the area that he told people.
I can remember this day and the days to come. Some parts are more clear than the others. My mother worked as a director for a daycare(s). I usually when to a separate daycare, but for some reason I was at the one she worked at. That day is a blur but I remember two police officers went to the daycare center to let her know a forest ranger found the body. He shot him self in the head. What ever hope she had left her. She broke down and was long time before she was calm enough to go home. She was not expecting that answer.
I do not remember how long until she broke the news to my grandmother. I know she wanted to do it the best way possible. At that time they found a church they liked and had been going to it for less than a year. My mother and grandmother also participated in a weekly small group bible study. To brake the unfortunate truth my mother went to the senior living apartment my grandmother was living in. For support my mother brought along the small group bible study leader and his wife, an elder/the pastor from the church, my mothers long time friend from high school, me and my older sister.
In that apartment complex you had to push a button that rang the phone in the owners room. They would push a number and the door would unlock. The activity room the complex had was across the main entrance when you entered. My grandmother was in there and saw my mom and went to let her in. As soon as she put her and on the door to open, she saw everyone else that need to be let in. She did not open the door and refused as she started to cry. I remember her telling every one to go away, nothing bad happened to her son. She stood there and cried for a long time. One of her friends from that activity room had to come over open the door to let us in. We went in and up to her room to give the news.
I don't remember much after that. All was a blur up to the funeral. I remember not understanding or crying before any of this or during memorial service. They had two caskets. One that was open with his military picture, and empty military uniform with no body in the foyer. The one with his actual body was in the church service area. I remember there was a handful of speeches and a few songs they played. Men in uniform took the casket and loaded it for transport. I remember a lot of people showed up. They had seating outside. My mom, grandma, and my aunt were sitting up front. A man in uniform presented two folded up American flag to each my grandmother and aunt while they wept. Then the gun salute went off, a man with bugle played taps and the casket was lowered in the ground. Everyone cried. I cried, but did not understand why.
My uncle decided to blow his brains out because he was afraid my aunt would take way their three kids from them. As I got older I never understood why he did that and not just see the kids/my cousins when he could from time to time. Even as and adult and having kids my self never understood the decision.
Right now in this moment I probably understand what he was going in his mind and what he was feeling. I am sure it was not a quick pull of the trigger. I am sure he cried multiple times and may not have gone to actually go through with it. The thought of loosing his kids or only being allowed to see them a few times a week broke him. That constant thought and no viable solution to keep his kids made pulling the trigger easer.
To be clear. After all was said and done. My mom, grandma, aunt and her family have been on very good terms. We still went to visit for thanksgiving and other holidays every year as I grew up. My sister and I also would still visit 2 weeks or a month for summer before the 4th of July. My aunt remarried a very good man with his own kids on shared custody. We had bigger family gatherings and very good memories.
I unfortunately am driven in a situation where I can not physically see my two kids every day. I have cried multiple times wanting to hold my kids and see them everyday.
I have the option of being hired with a large well known tech company and be able to afford a descent living and still enjoy what I do, but I cant see my kids every day. My wife refuses to move 4hours way from her parent and family in that small town. I currently make $26 with what I do right now.
She and the kids live with her mom currently while I try to rent apartment or house. I have for the past year applied for at least what felt like a few hundred jobs in and around her small town. Two things happen. 95% they don't call for an interview. If they do they don't pay enough. We were struggling when I was making 18/hr and rent was 650/month. To get a place now its almost 1000/month for less then what we had in the same area. I was being offered $12-$14/hr with 10 years of experience in IT.
I feel trapped in a situation I cant win. I get a good paying job but my wife refuses to move in the city I currently work making 26/hr. I am unable to see my kids everyday.
If I want to see my kids on a daily basis I have to take a job with a deep pay cut and not make enough to rent our own place. We would have to move in with her mom and dad forever. I cant see how that should be a choice. It should be for emergency.
I cant take the kids from her. She is a very good mother to them. I cant just leave them either and move on like its nothing.
I finely understand why my uncle did what he did. It scares me. The last option is to just end it and be done at this point.
|
depression
|
For anyone in a relationship with one or both partners on the spectrum, this book is friggin' awesome...
[Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25694546-marriage-and-lasting-relationships-with-asperger-s-syndrome)
Not sure if it has been mentioned here yet or not. It described so many issues and things my partner and I hadn't understood and clashed over for almost a decade. Since reading it a couple of months ago, kind of a new era has started in our relationship. There is much more understanding and a sort of road map for creating more harmony. I would VERY highly recommend it.
I don't want to make any promises, but I would predict that it MAY even help those who are not yet in a relationship, but would like to be prepared. I would guess that it would make getting into a relationship easier - and increase one's confidence about doing so. Or, possibly one's confidence about their ability to maintain a relationship.
My partner is also reading this for herself, which is aimed at the individual, for the individual:
[Living Well on the Spectrum](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9245294-living-well-on-the-spectrum?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=ktUJBRrbJC&rank=1)
She has many good things to say about it and is in the process of working through it. (I haven't gotten very deep into it myself so I don't want to say anything too in depth about my own experience of it). It is basically a workbook that takes you through becoming aware of the different ways that ASD affects living day to day, and strategies you can develop to cope with the difficulties -- AND more importantly, includes strategies to capitalize on your individual strengths.
Seems to me that these books are extremely under appreciated and I thought they deserved to be heard of. The links I used go to goodreads, because if you don't have an account already, YOU SHOULD!!! Put that shit in your to-read list and branch that mf-er out like a good autist should.
That is all.
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aspergers
|
Hey! I was wondering if you all would be willing to share your medication lineup and dosage? especially from those who have been on medicine for sometime. I feel like I metabolize stimulants very quickly, but I feel uncomfortable asking to raise my dosage. I was just curious if anyone else has a higher than average dosage and what it is. It seems like most people take such a small dose and see improvements but that’s not the case for me. Just curious if anyone else has experience with this because I feel so uncomfortable asking for a higher dose with my doctor.
Thanks!
|
ADHD
|
So I got pretty heavily triggered tonight. It has been awhile since I have been this triggered. I struggle with SO-OCD/HOCD. It has been relatively quiet, but I think that is due more to constant busy-ness and work. In any case, I was crazy triggered tonight and I got this strong sensation. It was this intense heat in my chest/sternum region accompanied by tightness/numbness (in chest and a bit in arms); maybe fight or flight. Is this normal? Have ya'll experienced it? I of course want to turn it into "oh this means that your obsession is true." I imagine it is actually just ya know...anxiety...haha. Stress manifesting physically? I was always convinced it was anger.
Sometimes I think OCD is just a cover. a puzzle for my brain to deal with that is easier to work with than actual feelings (in this case anger?). I dunno I am just musing. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this. Thanks for reading...
|
OCD
|
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