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Do you have any tips. My head invented new obsession. It's been 4 days of pure hell. I feel so lost and lonely.
I'm on waiting list to therapy but in my country getting therapy is long process.
How you stop that continuing arguing in your head? I read that I should just ignore those thoughts but like... how? If I don't "say" anything they just keep pushing until I answer to them.
Huge thanks to anybody who answers. ❤️
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OCD
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We get a real tree every christmas, name it, and they end up staying in our home for months after christmas. Part of it is my family’s executive dysfunction, but we also get attached to them. Our record is having it up until May of the next year. What about you guys?
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aspergers
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can OCD or anxiety affect your logical thinking? And make you say left and your mind say right and you say right and your mind say left? So your mind takes the opposite or you to your mind, is that possible, and that it costs you to reason things out?
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OCD
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How quickly can one anticipate a thought before it becomes a intrusive thought. Like I anticipate a thought and it just happens so quickly but with me anticipating/thinking about does that mean I invited it ?
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OCD
|
The process for individuals trying to find help for their ADHD is terrible, and frustrating and I wish it got more recognition.
So backstory, I've had ADHD my entire life it feels like. I got my first diagnosis when I was 7 years old, and have been on and off meds for years. That's been my own battle of deciding whether or not I chose to believe I had a disorder. I tried to get ahead of it in college, and got treatment about 8 years ago, but I haven't been on anything for about 7 years now. I've been just getting along with the coping mechanisms I've developed over the years, but now with the encouragement of my SO I decided to actually start making a real effort to treat it. I talked to my doctor about getting back on a medication, but she said she can't do that, I need to go see a psychiatrist.
That's cool, I don't mind seeing another doctor, but I've called THREE different psychiatry offices now, and first off nobody answers the phone. You just get a lengthy voicemail asking you to leave a message (which I do) and then they never call you back. That's the most ANNOYING shit I've run into so far is just how damn hard it is to actually find help. Not to mention, this has been a 3 month process now, because I have such a garbage memory, that 3 weeks will go by before I think about the fact that nobody has called be back. I'm starting to just feel completely helpless about the whole thing. Like I end up feeling like "I've managed to make it 32 years on this earth without really treating it, so why bother at this point." My SO tells me I need to be persistent, and I know that I need to keep trying and keep seeking help, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
EDIT: Wow, I was just planning for this to be a shout into the void of the internet, but it sure blew up. Thank you guys for all the support, I will keep trying to get help.
EDIT 2: I'm trying to read everyone's comments, but this has been insane how much support and how cool it is hearing everyone's story and experiences. It gives me hope. I'm trying to read each one and reply to it, but with 400+ comments I know that's going to take a while. If I don't, then I just want to say thank you for sharing your story here.
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ADHD
|
A few years ago I had the worst time of my life, I made changes and I've got myself on track, I managed to get an apprenticeship to get into the career I want, I have tried reconnecting with old friends, but I still don't feel like I belong, I never have, I was always a weird kid in school and didn't have many friends, and I've grown a lot, I'm now 23 and consider myself a lot better than I was when I was younger. I realised a few months ago that I have an insecurity where I don't feel loved or cared about. I got past the worst time of my life, I got past when I was a dumb kid cutting myself, why is my mental health slipping again? I fear I might just be lonely, but I want to be happy with myself rather than fill the void with relationships or meaningless sex
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depression
|
I'm pretty sure i suffer from an amount of face blindness and was wondering if this was true of other people
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aspergers
|
I always have a hard time being heard in a conversation, which is hard enough, but when someone is drunk it is amplified by like 1000. I get angry and frustrated hearing the unstoppable chatter and repetitive language. It's even worse when getting drunk texts. Had somebody send me 43 texts in a row with once sentence at a time with no response from me. I've tried to distance myself from people who are overly intoxicated but have been made to feel like I'm being rude or a jerk if I say I don't want to talk to someone who's drunk. I've been made to feel like a hypocrite because I didn't want to talk to a drunk person while I'm stoned. I've been made to feel like a bad friend and brother because I don't want to hear the same stories over and over again that keep changing minor details. I've been made to feel insensitive for ignoring the reasons people drink as much as they do. I want to be a good friend and be there for someone if they need help but being wasted like that is so overwhelming. I'm not saying that I get upset or frustrated if I talk to someone who has been drinking alcohol. I'm saying specifically people who are drunk drunk. Sorry for the rant but this honestly really helped me calm down.
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aspergers
|
I’ve been struggling a bit these last 2 weeks and I’m trying to remind myself (and anybody else who needs to read this) that setbacks are just things that happen.
If you’ve made it over obstacles once, you can do it again.
You’re not your thoughts, your worries, or your fears. You deserve to overcome them.
And most importantly—despite whatever method your brain is trying to use to convince you otherwise, **it’s going to be okay.**
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OCD
|
Hi. I am just feeling very low right now. Drinking and partying seemed to be the only thing that brought me any joy in my life, but it got me into a lot of trouble and my parents threatened to stop talking to me if I continued to drink. They’re the only people I really have in my life. So I stopped. They’ve seen me at my lowest. In jail. Beat up while drunk. Passed out naked on the side of the road. Drunkenly self harming myself while alone (they walked in on me). It’s been 4 without drinking weeks now. Quitting drinking or continuing is a lose lose for me.
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depression
|
Hi! I have had a bad spout of a specific theme of OCD since June. I had covid all last month and my focus shifted to that. I am not out of covid and back to work. I have learned alot during my covid time about my deep rooted fear and it truly has lifted so much weight off of me and my ocd. BUT i feel it trying to poke in and get me. (especially because im pmsing it always makes it a little harder anxiety wise) ANYWAYS i've noticed i still fear the theme i have happening or coming true but i am more fearful of FEELING the way i do when i spiral? Is this a form of recovery? Any advice on how to not fear it so its not alerting my brain 24/7. THANK YOU!
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OCD
|
So recently I got diagnosed with ADHD that my parents failed to pick up when I was young. I was put on Ritalin 20mg and at first it helped me focus. But after like 3 months on it my symptoms have gotten worse. I can’t stop shaking my leg at all. I do it when I’m sitting or have to sit somewhere, while I’m laying in bed, while trying to sleep and the funny thing is my legs don’t get tired. I also found myself getting lost in my thoughts very easily. I would be trying to study and read the textbook and while I’m reading a paragraph my thoughts would run somewhere else and then I’d be confused like what did I just read. I also get very hyper like I just have all this energy in the world to run around. I’ve noticed this stuff getting worse when I take Ritalin. Help.
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ADHD
|
It's completely ruining my already shitty life. Im tired of pretending to be a happy. Joking about my mental health no longer makes laugh, it only makes me feel like shit. I dont even have a reason to be depressed. I got a roof over my head, food, a supporting family, and friends. im really scared that if i tell someone, they will tell me that im "too young to be depressed". It'll just make feel even worse, like am I just emo?, am I only doing this to attract attention I never wanted? I don't know. I had already given up a long time ago, I dont think anything's helpful at all.
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depression
|
I don't have a job, my parents pay for everything, and there's no reason why I'm not doing my work.
I love the college I go to, I love where I live, and my assignments are watching movies.
Basically I have 2 movies to watch each week. The first movie is assigned on Monday and due Tuesday. We need to take a minimum of 50 notes about the movie and have each note timestamped.
The 2nd movie is assigned Monday and due Sunday. After viewing both movies, I need to write a paper comparing and contrasting whatever the topic was for that week.
It's so simple yet I don't fucking do it. I should be doing it. Why don't I just get my work done?
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ADHD
|
Need some advice. I am 28 with a family and my ADD is really kicking up some problems. I procrastinate, and am impulsive I forget a lot . Just not motivated would rather sit on my butt than do anything semi productive around the home. I do work. The question that I have is I have been off my medicine for a very long time 15+years. Has anyone tried OTC medication or should I just go get my prescription. I just wanna be better for my family. Thanks I’m advance I really need advice as I am up and worried about it.
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ADHD
|
I've been having a contamination obsession recently, almost every time I eat or drink anything I'll have an intrusive thought about it being poisoned or spiked. I have another common intrusive thought where, when I'm eating or drinking I try hard NOT to have an intrusive thought, or I'll try really hard to think of a word or phrase unrelated to poisoning to "neutralize" it. The reason I do this is because I worry that if I swallow food or have food in my mouth while having an intrusive thought, then I'll end up accidentally poisoning/drugging myself via the placebo effect. Like, I worry that if I'm drinking water while worrying "What if this has rohypnol in it?" then my brain will involuntarily make me pass out or go into a coma because I was thinking about being drugged while eating.
I'm trying to ignore my intrusive thoughts, and simply accept them, but it still scares me so much. I thought I made so much progress on overcoming my obsessions but now I have one that actually stops me from eating or drinking, sometimes.
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OCD
|
What I mean is I do not understand the things I am saying to people until I see their reaction AFTER what I said. This happens to me so much. An exciting topic comes up, I am eager to respond, I respond badly or from my own perspective/experience, and do not realize I just made the person I am conversing with feel bad for expressing what they said to me. I feel so embarrassed. How do I just "chill out" and wait for my messages and the way I want to express myself catch up before responding?
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ADHD
|
I am not sure what to do, any help is appreciated. I am NT (f) and fell in love with my aspie (m) friend. I told this to him explicitly. He told me that he likes me back but he thinks that he is not good enough for me and that the only reason why I like him is because I have an unrealistically positive image of him in my mind. We have known each other for 10 years, so I don't think that this is the case... also, he has been through some rough times (shutdowns, burn-out, communication problems...) and I have always been understanding. But I cannot seem to be able to convince him that he is good enough. What can I do?
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aspergers
|
Hi, hope you're doing well.
I'm finally going to go to the doctor after months of wondering if I had ADHD. (i'm 16 yo)
(Indeed, even though all my childhood I didn't like to work because I didn't find anything interesting and spent my time reading, since about two years it is very different. I'd like to work, to learn new things but I... can't.
I always end up procrastinating until the last minute or when I have a random boost of energy, these are the only circumstances in which i can focus, and it's getting worse and worse.
I don't involve myself in things I love, although it shouldn't feel like work, and I don't read anymore as I do not manage to be concentrated enough.
Now, in college, it is really getting out of hand. Maybe because I feel less pressured, I don't know, but even the last minute isn't enough for me to do something. I really feel like I'm not able to do anything, like I do not belong in humankind and it has become my biggest issue in life -first world problems, absolutely, but still annoying-.)
That, all the symptoms I found on Internet in which i recognized myself entirely, and an earlier diagnosis often related to ADHD, made me believe I was likely to have it.
However, all of a sudden I'm not getting comfortable about talking to a doctor about it, and I'm afraid what I'd express to him would seem really silly.
Like, first of all, a lot of people have way bigger problems than me and deal with them alone.
Then, almost everyone deals with procrastination, and somehow they manage to keep going. Why couldn't I ? I mean, right now, what prevents me to get up, sit on my chair and just start working as everybody else force themselves to do ? What if I'm just using the high likelihood of me having ADHD as an excuse to be a failure of a human ?
(sorry for my English by the way)
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ADHD
|
I can barely sleep tonight because I started back to work recently after maternity leave which means I’m back to having conversations with actual adults and I keep replaying every conversation I’ve had over the past week on repeat in my head looking for things I may have said that weren’t interesting, weren’t funny, were annoying, were weird or just if I talked about myself too much or if I just talked too much period. This is why I can’t be out in the world socializing. Having interactions with people end up driving me crazy in the end. I feel safer if I stay home alone and don’t have anything to overanalyze.
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OCD
|
Do you all like lists? Does it comfort you to make them, read them, and repeat them?
|
OCD
|
Since leaving the Navy I've fallen into the pattern which I suspect many of us experience: in and out of the parents' house, living briefly (as in a year or two) with roommates, struggling sometimes with un and under employment, the works. I've got a stable if physically taxing job now, and have been dry for a month, I dare even to think it's going to stick (longest I'd managed in ten years before was a week).
The biggest trigger for drinking though has been the home life: don't want to get into it, but it's mentally draining enough that I've been entertaining the possibility of living out of my car off and on. I already sleep on a cot (believe it or not, personal preference), use the same woolen blankets I appropriated (stole) from the ship for pressure, and living out of a backpack for two months wandering Europe may have been the happiest I've ever been. With the absence of alcohol, the main legal barrier is eliminated (I'm given to understand a running car engine plus an inebriated sole occupant is the line, please feel free to correct me), so I'm suddenly getting serious about this. Pop in for a shower, help the folks with construction, but none of the drama.
I've got a window tinting appointment set up: can you guys think of anything else an Autist might need to make this work? I'm not planning to go all at once, there will be a few dry and shakedown runs. I've got disposable earplugs I keep for these reasons, looking into shades which should be concealed by the window tint at night, and I've been scouting some spots close to the job and house (both are close to each other anyway). Thoughts?
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aspergers
|
bc this is basically my life:
my family: *talks about some signs of suicidal thoughts and depression in a convo between them*
me: *shows a lot of those signs*
my family: eh she’s just in a silly funny mood let’s not bring attention or worry to it because it’s basically nothing
they must think i’m not capable of having depression or being suicidal or something like why else would they not care about me when i’m showing all the signs they talked about
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depression
|
Can you guys please tell me some examples of compulsions for pocd, id really appreciate it and it would help me better understand
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OCD
|
Hey guys just wanted to ask how you guys find yourselves a trusted professional to help you deal with OCD ? I've seen a lot hype from NOCD but I never really tried it, is it any good ? Thanks in advance.
|
OCD
|
The day has come! It's been highly suspected for a very long time that I may have ADHD and I finally had the courage to bring up getting tested with my parents! Lucky for me they were very excepting and said they would make an appointment with a psychologist. I'm so excited! I might finally have answers!
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ADHD
|
I’m fairly certain I have adhd but I’m worried the effort of seeking a diagnosis is not worth it if the doctors don’t take my concerns seriously. Is it worth the effort in the end? I’m tired of struggling but feel I’ve passed the point of finding out one way or another.
Does anyone have experience being diagnosed in adulthood? Is it worth it? Any help would be really appreciated!
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ADHD
|
Hi there,
I'm 16 years old and for the past 2 years or so I've been struggling with OCD, specifically POCD. I once ruminated, had compulsions and anxiety towards 10 hours a day - it was a living hell. Now, I perhaps get one hour of intrusive thoughts a day, and rarely get anxiety, but more the less; nervousness, I'm worried and scared. I don't like my thoughts, I think they're disgusting, and I would never, ever attack a kid. Of course, OCD has tried to trick me into believing otherwise, but in the end, I don't want to.
I do feel a lot of times that whenever a thought enters my brain, it feels as I like it, but then I say to myself: "Do I actually like it?" I then rethink my thought, and it almost 99% of the times end up me finding out I didn't like my thoughts. Of course, my thoughts have also entered a lot of times where I immediately felt disgust.
I've also stumbled upon some very odd looking people on P\*rnHub, who looks a bit younger than they should: drawings, etc. And I find that extremely disgusting, and I, then, immediately logs off. So, yeah, in the end, I don't like my thoughts, and I don't like these things on P\*rnHub, or just any other xxx website that shows these kinds of things. So, why do I then worry so much if I don't like my thoughts, and I don't like the things I've seen on P\*rnHub? Well, OCD ain't so kindly that it'll let me go so easy.
Today, I slept for a good 5 minute nap, and in my dream, I dreamt I held a little boy. Perhaps at the age of 4 - 6. I thought to myself, when I was about to hold him; "Do not feel arousal and do not get a boner." (Not getting a boner has been an obssesion for me for some months.) So, I then held the little boy, and while I did it, it feel as I was aroused, but at the same time not. Like, it felt kind of I was aroused, and I liked it, but at the same time I was very scared and worried (I didn't feel anxiety), that I'll feel arousal, or that I'll get a boner (Not so much for the boner part, but more the arousal part). It wasn't a strong sexual feeling. I don't even know if I can call it arousal, because whenever I do feel real arousal, I'm in the moment, I like it, but this didn't feel as a normal typical arousal feeling. It felt odd and strange. It still felt as I kinda liked it, but it was definitely not strong in any way. In my dream, I didn't had any temptations to tocuh the kid inappropriate, I just wanted to get the hell away from him. Then, I woke up, and I had a boner. So, now it has been bothered me this whole day. Thinking "What if I'm a pedophile." "What if it wasn't OCD all along." I haven't felt any sort of anxiety to it, because I've gotten a lot better handling these kind of things. It helps doing ERP, since I then don't feel as worried as I once was, and it helps me see that I don't like my thoughts.
Is this normal? Am I just a disgusting pedophile? I don't wanna live a life like a pedophile. I like kids, and I want to have some myself one day.
Thanks for your time!
|
OCD
|
During secondary school, I was in this weird place of having no actual friends, but being neither the unpopular kid nor being bullied consistently (which I had been in kindergarten and primary school). I was fine by myself, but I did have a few people who I worked with on projects. They sought me out to chat on their own accord occasionally and made me part of their little group. However, on random occasions, when I went along with them as had been expected before, I got called clingy, "why are you always following us around?" I had no intention of intruding and it wasn't actually unpleasant to be excluded- I would merely have gone along out of peer pressure. So no intrinsic motivation, hence no clinginess.
I was really shaken by that behaviour, again, not because the rejection was a problem, but the randomness, the social rule being broken. In hindsight, knowing that I am autistic, I am wondering if I really came across as weird and clingy without me realising, or if they were basically gaslighting me - after all, they weren't real friends, rather occasional bullies that had their moments of more maturity.
How can I determine what caused their behaviour, what should I look for in my memories of that time?
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aspergers
|
Hi,
For context, I'm 55+, married, 2 kids. I had burnout starting in June '20, in september '20, I got mononucleosis and in October a mild covid.
This year I had my two shots, waiting for the third.
I'm fed up. Completely at the end of the line. I'm tired of hearing lockdown here, masks there...
I totally understand why, I'm just not seeing the end of it. No matter what, things won't get better. News keeps feeding us up and downs, at this point after two years, I lost hope. I don't know what to think to keep going. It's hopeless.
Edit: removed a sentence. I realize there is no reason to be sorry, it's just the way I feel.
Thank you for reading
|
depression
|
Hi all! I tried doing some research on this but couldn't find too much info and I don't see my gastro for another few months. I was diagnosed with GERD about a year ago (nausea and lots of acid reflux) and have been on 2 daily antacids since. I've noticed that since starting Vyvanse a few months ago, on the days when I do take it, my GERD symptoms like acid reflux and nausea seem to be worse than normal.
Does anyone have any experience with stimulant meds and GERD?
|
ADHD
|
I've always thought that my aversion to social interactions was due to my social anxiety and my innate quiet demeanor, however, I think the social anxiety and quiet demeanor are caused by undiagnosed ADHD. In my last job as a server, I found that I really enjoy fast-paced environments, one where I can just plaster on a customer service smile, repeat the same rehearsed lines but genuinely mean it (most times), although variety in what I do is a huge necessity too. The part where I don't enjoy is when something or someone makes that smooth concentration in my mind break and I'm dealing with a situation where I don't know what to do and I'm floundering while making a fool of myself. It's like my brain short-circuits and speech no longer is a thing that works for me. I feel like for most people even when they find themselves in a situation they don't know how to immediately approach or rectify, they still know what to say, how to say it or at least confidently let the customer know that they're not the right person to talk to but they know someone who can definitely help. Anyway, I like the constant motion and stimulation of being a server, even if there are people involved but I've always tried to limit the amount of customer service I do because I'm afraid of feeling incompetent in those social situations, although they are inevitable for me. I think my undiagnosed ADHD is what short-circuits my brain in unfamiliar situations and sequential processing is non-existent, actually not that I've ever had it before. My thoughts don't go from ABCD, they go THIZQIAG, which is made even more prevalent when someone asks me a question or comes to me with a complaint that I'm not familiar with. It probably doesn't help me that I have shit social skills and have a hard time understanding some social cues which I should get better at.
**tldr;**
So I want to get back into fast-paced environments where I feel needed and there's instant gratification and lots of stimulation, like bartending for example. Anyone who is thriving in service/server jobs, what do you do to overcome unfamiliar or difficult situations? I want to get past being afraid of customer service because I do like interaction just not when something trips me up and I'm literally speechless and unable to process properly or quick enough.
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ADHD
|
I want to tell my mom about my Pocd but don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I just need to talk to her cause I’m feeling very alone. How do I go about this?
|
OCD
|
hey guys :)
i've had this specific issue that's related to my ocd for a while now and i was wondering if anyone else here could relate - i love journaling a lot as a healthy coping mechanism and also as a way to self - discover but i find it really hard to be 100% transparent about what i'm worried about when i journal for stress and anxiety relief because there's a nagging part of my brain that makes me think that if i write down what i fear, it'll make it come true or that it makes it real in some way and therefore i just avoid writing about it at all altogether which obviously just makes the problem worse. Have any of you guys experienced anything like this before?
|
OCD
|
Is it money? fear of visiting the doctor? or else what keeps you from taking a therapy or visit a psychiatrist?
|
depression
|
So I reached out to NOCD (a well reviewed virtual OCD therapy program) in October after doing a lot of research and deciding it was something I wanted to go through with, unfortunately they don’t accept my insurance and I can’t pay for the services, I was completely devastated as I am at my wits end with this monster of a mental illness, but today out of the blue I received a message from them explaining that they were willing to help me try to work something out through my insurance company and I talked to them over the phone shortly after, so now I’m contacting my insurance tomorrow to discuss things and then go from there. But I’m honestly so overwhelmed with emotion right now bc I was pretty much at the point of giving up on trying to find proper treatment and then that text came through and I can’t help but get my hopes up that this could be the start of my journey to recovery❤️🩹
So if y’all could please wish me luck or pray for me (if you’re religious or spiritual) whatever you believe in, id really appreciate it❤️ I’m just like freaking out cuz I’ve been stuck for so long I need this beyond what I could ever express through words
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OCD
|
Does anyone know what this could mean? It's always been like this... I feel like I'm never really alone, like I'm being watched or that I visualize myself in third person trying to not do something weird. This makes me rather stressed and I also have a hard time focusing sometimes because of this.
When outside, I have to be aware of my surroundings just in case so there's no weirdo (ironic) around that could be dangerous.
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aspergers
|
(Ive sensored words im thinking could be triggering, TW: near death related)
When my son was 7 months old he was close to >!dying, he chocked on his spit while sleeping!< I found him making weird noises and he was >!turning blue!< this has ever since made me so on guard, chopping his food into tiny pieces and just the tiniest noice he makes that resembles the one he made makes me throw myself around to see if he is okay.
Today he is teething, teething means he gets a low fever,is a cuddle bug, tired and this time, a new one, snot. His nose wont stop running at all, and he swallows some,some slides down his troath.He keeps waking up crying because its hard for him to breathe due to the snot, and I try to help him but hes 1.5 years old and does his own thing half asleep.
And im struggeling so bad right now. The noises, seeing how desperate he gets it has triggered my fight or flight.
Im so on edge right now, I keep looking at him >!making sure he is breathing, I keep touching him to see if he is still there!< Im getting flashbacks back to the day I found him, my whole body is just stiff, im also nauseated (does not help at all since im emetophobic).
I cant even lay down so I can get some sleep, I just keep staring at him, im afraid to go to sleep and >!either not wake up if he struggles with breathing or worst case waking up to find him gone!< . This is so scary and I dont know what to do, I cant even take my hydroxyzine since it makes me so sleepy. Im trying to ground myself but my mind has taken over. Its going to be a long lobg night.
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ptsd
|
I was taken advantage of 3 times and it's what got me diagnosed with PTSD. I haven't told my parents and it's been 10 years. I just don't know how to talk about it to them. I need a service dog because I'm about to go back to a triggering place (school) and I just don't know what to do.
Any advice is welcome. Thank you in advance.
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ptsd
|
I signed up for this telehealth service called cerebral on Monday. By then I scheduled my first appointment with a prescriber for an appointment on Tuesday! The guy who was talking to me was very understanding and actually took my concerns seriously. I explained how I’ve been trying antidepressants for a few months now and I still experience a lot of ADHD symptoms.
After only a half hour appointment I was told that he he definitely believes I have adhd and he was was going to write my a prescription to give adderall a try and I almost cried on the call!!😭
I have felt really invalidated recently as I’ve been on a journey trying to figure out my mental health and how to get better. My primary care office set me up with several appointments to look further into my concerns where they just shrugged off my
symptoms because I happened to perform well in school in my past. Like it just feels so shitty to be told all I have is anxiety and depression when I’ve known for a while it goes further than that!
But wow I finally found someone that listened to me and was able to get medicated 🥺 I tried the adderall today for the first time and it is crazy to me how I was actually able to focus on it! Usually when I have conversations with people I just zone out immediately but I was able to keep it going. And I was able to actively ignore text notifications that I would usually reply to right away! Music actually made sense to me and didn’t sound like gibberish?! like I could actually perceive the meanings of songs. It’s wild to me!! I’m soo happy I’m finally able to give this a try.
If anyone else has been struggling with seeing someone about getting diagnosed this could be a solution! It was very convenient to just have a video call with a qualified prescriber and have medicine ready literally on the same day!
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ADHD
|
30M. I messaged my doctor about 3 weeks ago to get checked out for ADHD. They gave me a number to call and I haven’t gotten to it yet (lol). Part of me is afraid that I’ll be told “no.” I’ve done my own research on medical websites, spoken to those close to me and I relate so much to the posts on this sub. Still afraid. If I find that I don’t have ADHD, I’ll feel ashamed for mis-diagnosing myself and for being the way that I am with no explanation. Looking for some advice or motivation from those who found themselves in a similar situation.
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ADHD
|
Everyday I live with the mistakes I’ve made and I hate myself for it
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depression
|
I love reading but find it difficult to get through a physical book so audiobooks have literally been a life changer for me. Being able to go for a walk or fidget at the same time as listening to a book makes it so much easier.
Listening books is a charity which was set up for people who struggle to read physical books for any reason. They help a massive variety of people from visually impaired people, people who can't physically hold a book (due to injury or arthritis) and people with learning disabilities like ADHD. It's really cheap, £20 a year, for a pretty big range of audiobooks, which you borrow for a 2 week spell and then return. If you're not able to pay that, they say on their website they might be able to offer people with a free membership.
The service isn't perfect, the selection is big but not as good as companies like audible. Because its structured similar to a library you have a limited time to listen to it once you've borrowed it and they have limited copies of each book which might leave you waiting for a month or so before its your turn again. This isn't a problem I face very often but I could see it getting frustrating with some of the more popular books.
That being said, it's a really good charity and offers an amazing service for its ridiculously low price. If I'd have been buying every audiobook I would have been paying far more than £20. This is such a great resource, its crazy not more people know about it.
The Link: [https://www.listening-books.org.uk/](https://www.listening-books.org.uk/)
I'm not sure if it's available outside the UK!
​
If you do live in the UK you should also check if your local public library offers a similar service. I know that a lot of the libraries in London use the same app as listening books to let you borrow and return audiobooks on your phone. You need a library account but you can make one from home on the library website. *I'm not as knowledgeable about this service so you might have to do some good old trial and error but they have a good range of audiobooks and e-books once you figure it out, I promise!*
This is the link to sign in to the library website if you already have a library account: [https://tlc.overdrive.com/](https://tlc.overdrive.com/)
​
**TL;DR**
**If you struggle to read physical books but audiobooks help, you should check out Listening Books.**
**It's a really cheap service which offers access to a pretty wide range of audiobooks to people who have difficulties with reading.**
**It's really helped me and I'm always amazed by how few people know about it!**
**Here's the link (again):** [https://www.listening-books.org.uk/](https://www.listening-books.org.uk/)
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ADHD
|
It could be a very happy day. My brothers visited me and all seemed fine. But now the weekend is over and i have not much time for many assignments and get pressure from everyone asking me about my plans after school. I dont know what to do, i am bad at everything.
I had goals, like getting a girlfriend and the following things (family, ...). Things which i wanted to wanted to do before i die and prevented me from killing myself, because i cant die a virgin, etc. But now these goals are getting less and less important and the my inner voice to kill myself is getting louder.
I am on the edge of starting to cry at school or public, because i cant hold it any longer. My life is just suffering and i see no purpose of living anymore. Suicide would be a relief, but i keep telling me not to do it. I dont know how long i can keep telling me this.
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depression
|
I am 29 (F) and I was diagnosed with ASD last year. I had a relatively high score of 129 on RAADS-R and I surely have sensory sensitivities and tendency towards meltdowns.
One thing that makes me doubtful is that I understand sarcasm and irony although it might have been a bit of a problem when I was younger. I also have no problems understanding idioms and figurative language. A question of the RAADS is whether one find an expression like something getting under your skin as unpleasant and yes I do although I understand the meaning to be that it provokes inner emotional reactions but it’s like I see it literally in my mind before making the interpretation that I’ve learned, same goes to other expressions like “crying over spilt milk” I would visualise spilt milk. Is that a neurotypical/ autistic way of processing. Does anyone else relate?
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aspergers
|
i don't know if anyone else have this obsession, but i have an extreme fear of being secretly a toxic/evil person without knowing it , i question if i am good enough a 1000 times a day, i am generally an atheist but i feel like i don't have the right to be just a lil bit bad because " karma" will get my ass eventually, the results is staying in toxic relationships and accepting red flags thinking that the problem is me, letting people use me out fear of being perceived as a toxic person, not saying no to people when i really need to say it, feeling guilty whenever i end a toxic relationship cuz i keep obsessing how i hurt the other person by ending the relationship even tho the problem is not me... and the list go on
|
OCD
|
I started Adderall about two months ago and I think it has been slightly helpful for my mood and focus but I have lost 10 pounds without meaning to. I already had a hard time getting consistent meals in my body before I started medication but now it feels practically impossible. My body does not give me any indication of hunger at all now, and when I try to force myself to eat the food feels like bland paste in my mouth. Even foods I used to really like I can hardly stomach. I asked my psychiatrist if I could try a different type of medication but he told me I had to go up to the maximum dose of adderall before I could switch, and that means at least another month of this. When I am able to get different meds are there any that dont mess with appetite? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to better force feed myself throughout the day in the meantime?
|
ADHD
|
Im gonna be training a service dog soon i was wondering if any one had an idea of tasks i could teach to help with ocd anxiety and depression
Im thinking retrieval of meds and remind to take
And retrieval of controller when im suicidal to distraction
Dpt for same
And pawing me when i zone out in bathroom and lean on me bc it calms me while i wipe bc i wipe repeative and my hands
|
OCD
|
TW: drugs, DV, suicide
My twin flame killed himself 4/9/21. It was the day he realized that I wasn't coming back. He begged me to come get him, but I said no. He was already high. I wanted him gone.. just not like that.
We spent so much of our relationship with unsteady housing and living out of the back of my car. The last time I saw him, he had been living on the streets. I wish i knew what happened. But, he had broken into my backyard and slept outside my door when I didn't open the door at 3 am, thinking it was just the creepypasta I had been listening to.
I rarely leave the house right now. Medical problems and trauma problems. But, when I do, I can't help but feel.. hopeful? Terrified? When I see a homeless person that looks remotely like him. I know that it isn't possible. I know he's dead. I just.. I can't help but look twice. Try to conceptualize what they would look like under the grime and dirt. Under the trashcan clothing. If it could be him.
I feel like I see him everywhere but nowhere. I couldn't have known. I know that. I just.. want so badly for it to not be true.
|
ptsd
|
Is it normal to get suicidal after masturbating?
I'm sorry..for asking this..I just did it again and I feel completely devastated. I'm crying, I feel aggressive, suicidal..I had to hold myself back from lashing out at school friends. I just feel like a complete mess and like I want to kill myself. It was worse because I was alone and nobody was talking to me. I just feel completely and utterly horrible. I know this probably isn't allowed..i just really need to know if its normal..
|
ptsd
|
It’s been a long haul and years of suffering but I’m starting to think I may have a form of OCD. I dealt with panic disorder.. triggered by internal feelings (feeling my heart beat) or a thought like ‘you are going to shit yourself’ (lol). Anyway, since then, I’ve had this vague feeling of being ‘off’ or even an obsession with being ‘not okay’. I’m starting to think that my obsession is now ‘there being a problem’ and ‘not being okay’..? I ruminate all the time and my mind seems to think there is something wrong and I’ve always got this feeling that there is as well.
It has ruined my social life. Every interaction I feel really hyper aware and if I start feeling off (which I normally do because I trigger myself) I will start thinking like ‘oh god it’s happening again’ ‘something is wrong’ etc .. then il notice the other person starts looking at me different (because I’m feeling internally different) and then il have this feeling of defeat, confirmation that ‘something is wrong with me’. Although, this has actually rarely happening to this extent, I normally just shut down myself.
I’m so exhausted from it all but starting to think it may be a form of OCD, maybe sensimotor OCD or something. But there’s this constant obsession with there being a problem, which seems is the issue itself. If I could just forget that ‘something is wrong’ I’d be fine.
I do in fact have moments where I’m not dragged in by this obsession and I see clear; and it’s like wow there really is nothing wrong.. but I get pulled back in somehow.
Please can someone relate or offer any form of insight it’s been so exhausting for so long :l
|
OCD
|
Hi all, so I'm newly diagnosed with inattentive ADHD as a female adult, also recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and just started taking 10 mg generic adderall with my Lexapro. It's...you know, it does what it does, but the backstory of this is that I've been stuck in a TERRIBLE job situation for at least three years now, a job I was planning to leave until Covid hit and I felt too scared to leave it, and now it's been forever and I simply cannot apply to jobs. I've applied to a few over the past year but applications are SO hard for me. I just...I can't do them. It's a huge ADHD trigger for me, I think - the nebulousness, the uncertainty, the bulk shooting required, the emotional vulnerability, the unfocused and unstructured nature of it. I would like nothing more than to have someone stand in a room with me and time me and follow up with each application and do that for weeks until I've applied somewhere so I can please, for the love of God, leave my nightmare job, but I'm not sure this is a service that exists. Any advice for job searching/life purpose searching with ADHD, when it can get so overwhelming and emotional so quickly?
|
ADHD
|
New semester has started, working 60 hour weeks, and now having access to a commercial gym again on campus caused my brain to say “let’s workout so hard and so much that I slept for almost 2 days on my only 2 days off.” I actually thought I had a bug or something because I was so lethargic and so sore but couldn’t stay awake. While explaining to a friend what happened, they asked me about all the “made-up-barriers” that I have set up and how exhausting it all must be. I know there are different flavors of OCD and mine would very much be the perfectionist/hyper-efficient/Tetris type. My brain is on autopilot from the moment I open my eyes till the second I close them & this is the first time I have ever been physically exhausted to this extent.
My problem(s?) is I’m very dichotomous & if I’m not achieving then I am failing. If any of my plates stop spinning, they will all fall. My need to control everything has brought up extremely intrusive thoughts, binge-eating, and picking on myself (literally & figuratively) to the point where it is on the verge of becoming distressing. I can’t take a break from myself. I can’t just not work, not finish my degree, and working out is one of my few stress relievers. Yet, my brain has found a way to weaponize them all. I’m venting b/c I know I will be fine, I will always be fine. I am very tired tho, and a bit at a loss right now. I told my therapist don’t want a brainwashing, but maybe a little rinse? 🧠🚿
|
OCD
|
I was washing a serving dish, in my tiny sink, and it slipped out of my hand. It cracked into a few big pieces in this mess of hot soap. Even though I was alone in the apartment, I blurted out ‘oh god, I’m sorry’. I covered my mouth with my hand and started crying. I shouldn’t be afraid I’m going to be hit or yelled at anymore while I’m tossing out pieces of glass. The past is a stain, and I would give anything to be able to remind myself I’m safe.
|
ptsd
|
What's your advice on how to deal with it. Exercising makes feel good but can't do it with job pressure and work.
|
OCD
|
Social media for the longest time has been a huge trigger for me. Like when I was really young it completely triggered my religious scrupulousity because social media algorithms are in my opinion awful for my ocd . Like if my thoughts fixate on one thing, the algorithm comes along and magnifies it and I get sucked in. Anyways there's been an influx of widespread "social media activism" and while some accounts are super informative and interesting it can very quickly become literal hell for me. I hate that everyone seems to be saying: don't do that, you can't think this, you can't have opinions on xyz if you're not xyz, this is fetishizing, that's erasure, that's ableist, you are an awful awful human, people who think about xyz should die, if you aren't thinking about xyz and constantly advocating for it you are awful, etc etc.
There are so many contradictions in social media activism (cause the opinions come from so many different people all over the world) and for someone who always makes sure to stay in line and be a good person and do what others say is good, it is literally suffocating to feel like I cannot think my thoughts before I have them. I can't even explore my moral compass and discover why I think certain ways because I know I'm going to hate myself if I think the wrong thing. I feel like I'm being indoctrinated or something but I also feel so guilty.
And like, it's all for what?? In my opinion I make the most change by developing relationships of trust between people and having honest conversations about what is good for the world, and like, coming to terms with concepts in my own time.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I'm sorry I'm still learning about myself and I'm sorry I have intrusive thoughts I guess I should just die?? I'm only 17 like seriously just let me live.
Is it an ocd thing to constantly feel like you are the villain? I had to quit a Spoken Word Choir because when it comes to personal and raw poems, I always feel like I am the "you" in the poem. I am the bad guy, and the guilt is so strong.
I really hope this didn't offend anyone just curious if anyone felt similar, or if any social media activists or activists with ocd could maybe share how they feel about that type of activism stuff
|
OCD
|
I'm thinking of giving one a try as I generally wake up several times throughout the night. Any insight or advice from anyone that has tried one/uses one?
edit: I don't know if this matters, but when I was a child I would always sleep with a very thick comforter, even in the heat of summer.
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aspergers
|
Escalated. They think I dont feel pressure and Im a robot. now I dont want to talk to them anymore starting now. Ill probably be scolded for being a mute and a butthole but hey I am and Ig Im proud since its my parents who told me that.
|
depression
|
I worked so hard and accomplished so much today. I was really jazzed at the end of work.
Then I made the mistake of talking to my mother and then my girlfriend, and it was awful because they are both toxic and unavoidable.
It triggered me and my mind got flooded with racing, intrusive thoughts: I can usually “hear” voices just demeaning me, cutting me down, and insulting me. It’s like it knows what to say to kill every little bit of hope I steal and scavenge from working hard all day.
So I took a break and locked myself away from everyone in my house.
Then I went to a mental health forum and I started reading about this guy talking about how OCD interfered with his reading skills his whole life.
It was such a familiar story, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I hadn’t even made that connection my entire life, and so I just started crying alone in my room because it made a lot of sense and was cathartic.
Anyway. Life goes on. It’s a lonely road.
Keep fighting, my friends.
And if you’re tired - rest a little, but keep going.
|
OCD
|
TL;DR: Reminders are trash and so is completely blocking websites. Instead, add a few extra steps to accessing distracting websites to break you out of the loop.
(Also, this is written on the fly, like it's my own thought process. Sorry if it gets a little off-track. I'll probably edit it later if there's any huge issues.)
I can never concentrate on my work. Shocker, I know. But my problem is a bit unique in a few ways, one of them being that I KNOW that I'm off task; I just can't get myself back on track. I have a feeling this is pretty common with ADHD, but I'm sharing it anyway.
So, I started to look for help. On websites, through books, and even on this sub. Here's what I've noticed:
There are two common levels of methods for trying to keep yourself on task. These are:
**- Reminders/Schedules.** These attempt to get you to a mindset where you can work, or send you gentle reminders to stop you from taking too long of a break.
The problem with these? They only work if your brain is willing, not if you are. Personally, I would just ignore the alarms or schedules I set. I didn't even think about it.
The other type is a **Hard Lockout**. These are much more effective, but also tend to be a last resort. Most of the time, this takes the form of blocking your access to a distraction completely.
The problem with these? Sometimes, you need a break. Or you need access to Youtube or Reddit for legitimate purposes. In other words, they can become more of a problem than a solution.
**Now, let me introduce my method;** ***Cognizance Checks****.* These are little reminders designed to make your brain pause and think about what you're doing. Usually, these take the form of extra steps you intentionally add to make accessing potential distractions a little harder.
Why does this work? I honestly can't give a full explanation, because I'm not an expert. My best guess is that by making these things just a bit harder, you give your brain a bit more time to decide if your actions are really necessary. It takes away the automatic and immediate access that you have to any distraction, while giving you the ability to take breaks when you need to. It's like a reminder that you can't ignore (at least not easily). It also lets you make your own decisions about when it's okay to use these websites, which might help you avoid distractions on your own.
Examples of how to create Cognizance Checks:
On IOS, use Screen Time on the parent/not a child setting. This allows you to block apps with a bypass feature. It also allows you to bypass the lock screen with a time limit, which can be helpful during breaks.
On Chrome, use an extension like BlockSite and turn on the ability to bypass the block screen. On BlockSite specifically, there's a setting which will let you bypass the screen if you have type in a password, which is even better.
In real life, you could buy a child lock for cabinets that have snacks or distracting items in them. It adds one extra step to opening them, without locking you out entirely.
One warning: Like reminders/schedules, these only work if you let them. I find it a bit easier to use these, but the whole point is that it's **your choice** to be distracted or not.
Let me know if you come up with any other ideas for how to set up Cognizance Checks!
|
ADHD
|
I turned 26 this year. In January I was convinced an internet friend of mine was going to come fly to my home town to kill me and my family and I messaged someone I knew from 12 years ago while I was panicking and driving to my families home to see if they are okay.
​
They were. And nothing happened. I had gotten to know this internet friend (just a male friend, I am male as well) from an online game also around ten years ago and we had been getting along well for a long time. I knew he had some family issues and that he was pretty much completely alone with barely any human contact aside from me and it really scared me and made me feel guilty for spending time with my family. I projected all of the jealousy I had (and have) been feeling over the years onto him and I became so scared, more scared than I had even been in my entire life.
​
This fear of dying drove me towards contacting someone I apparently had been having feelings for for a long time. I didn't really realize this myself, but apparently I really wanted to talk to her again before I died.
​
Twelve years ago my dad killed himself after I lived with him for two years. My parents got divorced and I moved in with him, but since his bipolar disorder made it difficult for him to care for me I decided to in with my mom and sister, leaving him alone with an apartment that he could not afford since he had no job and no energy/motivation to work. This was right around the time the person (my "LO") and I stopped talking.
​
We had gotten to know each other at summer camp, around thirteen years ago. Afterwards we were messaging quite a lot after school and I always looked forward to talking to her. In retrospect those were one of the best memories I had, and I could tell she liked me as well. It may be important to mention that this person is very very pretty and has been and still is getting a lot of attention from male people. It made me feel special to have a connection to someone, and since I have always been unhappy with my social circle and grew up being kind of like the class clown nobody took seriously this was a completely new experience for me. We met up a few times and cuddled a little even, it was the first time for me I was in a situation like that and was still learning, but at least actually engaging in things like conversation and situation escalation, planning of meetups and being flirty with someone. I have barely had this sort of experience eversince.
​
Eventually I said some stupid things, like how I would need to "clean my room" when she asked if she could come over (We always met at her place). My mom didn't allow me to close my door and I had been fighting a lot with her so I didn't want her to see my messed up home life. So we slowly lost contact, and during that time I lost my dad.
​
This event itself never really shocked me the way it was probably supposed to. I even went back to school immediately after and just kind of "forgot" about it, even though I went to a funeral and cried and all that. I had no idea about what this event was supposed to mean for me and was frankly scared of all the feelings associated with it. I remember really not wanting to confront myself with the pain, so I likely made quite an effort to distract myself.
​
So I kept living, finished high school, went to university and towards the end of it, in the middle of 2017, I had my first sort of "traumatic" experience with a girl, where I felt she rejected me in favor of my best friend at the time. I really liked her and she was again stupidly pretty it's difficult to even put into words. I had known her for around six months at the time and sort of obsessed over her, but never made an effort to initiate anything or take steps towards having any of my feelings reciprocated.
​
It's not like I was competely inept in that sense back then, I even pursued someone from my friend circle in 2015 (a friend of my back then best friends girlfriend) and got her to be my girlfriend for nine months. She told me she loved me around six months into the relationship, and I jokingly replied something like I like her too. I really enjoyed being intimate with someone, but I had no idea what I was feeling. I was sure it was not love though, so eventually I started feeling really guilty for this whole situation of not being able to reciprocate and just sleeping with her and ended it. She had been suffering from depression back then and didn't take it well. I still feel guilty.
​
Eversince then I have pretty much been alone. This rejection in 2017 really messed with me beyond what most would consider normal, I stopped pursuing my masters degree and just spent most of my time at home lying around, finding jobs only to drop them a few months after. I was lucky to have studied something high in demand in my bachelors, so this low mood and low motivation still allowed me to find decent jobs with little to no effort, even though I hated the experience of working more than anything else.
​
I had been pretty isolated back then. I broke off contact with my best friend and the associated friend circle almost entirely. I could not bear seeing him, I imagined him enjoying the idea of being chosen before me and forever having the upper hand in any interaction, it really drove me crazy. I spend so unbelievably much time thinking about this person and how every moment I spend alone I could be spending with her if only I had played my cards right, how I did everything wrong and am now paying the bitter price for it.
​
It may be worth mentioning that I also started smoking weed regularly back then. I am sure it has a different effect on me than on most others, it made me really hyperfocussed on certain topics and ideas and had me convinced of ideas inside of me that I thought were really novel and that I need to pursue more. I was convinced that if only humans found a better medium of communication than language they would be able to exchange information in a way that would allow them to convey their experiences in such a manner that they should be able to do so until they reached a state of having the exact same opinion on any topic, things like that. I also got really into computer science back then and even wrote my thesis on a super technical subject that had little to do with my actual studies until then.
​
Anyways, this was the first time I got in touch with feelings that would later (around two months ago) be associated with depression. I felt completely alone and hopeless for most of the time and kept telling myself I am not "special" and that all of my experiences are just part of the human condition of being alone and eventually dying. "Everyone feels bad", a friend of mine used to say, and I truly believed that.
​
Fast forward to 2020, I was already really depressed, had no contact with girls and allowed my social skills to continually deteriorate and spend all of my weekends lying in bed staring at a screen. I was spiralling really hard and been getting more and more hopeless about the world. This was the time when this person I was talking to at 13-14 showed up in my life again. She was living in the same area as me and using the same train station and I saw her sometimes. in January 2020 she noticed me, looked at me and then sat down beside me, not saying anything. Probably waiting for me to initiate something, but mostly looking at her phone while I pretended I didn't notice her.
​
I was completely unable to cope with this situation. This desire for connection and human contact has been growing so much inside of me I had no idea how to control it or conduct myself appropriately. I had been smoking weed on and off for around three years back then to somewhat cope with these awful hopeless feelings I had been having, while barely making any social connections with anyone, let alone someone I was interested in in that way.
​
I sort of became obsessed with her. I also started developing some sort of ocd back then, looking at letter combinations and making all sorts of associations with unrelated things, such as her initials or just things I liked from my environment. I probably started doing it to distract myself from this neverending loop of bad feelings I had been having for years. Then covid hit. I had already been isolating for three years and thought I am used to it, but I wasn't. I was working as a programmer back then and retreated more and more into myself. In retrospect it was stupid of me to allow myself to get to this point, but the combination of spending so much time alone, lack of human connection and the use of cannabis made me slightly delusional and paranoid.
​
In January 2021 a friend of mine, whom I had met on the internet ten years ago, really scared me. I empathized with his situation of being in a foreign country with no family contact and nobody to rely on other than himself so much and it horrified me. This may also have been fueled by my cannabis abstinence I had started a few weeks before. I became convinced he must hate me for having what I have, a life in a first world country with a family I love and get to regularly visit, that I assumed he must want to kill me out of jealousy, throwing away his life in the process. In retrospect it's a very irrational thought to have, but I was so convinced of it at the time and nothing felt more real than this danger I thought I put my family in by accidentally sending him my back then home address at some point while we were talking. I had a moment where I felt the need to "save" him and tell him how I feel, so I wrote him a message where I talked about how my father died after being abandoned by me and how I am so worried about him not having a family and being isolated, but got no reply (at least for a few weeks)
​
So while I was panicking about losing my family and being overwhelmed by all kinds of dooming thoughts I decided to message her on my way home. Once I got there and realized my family was safe, I was in a situation where all of my social skills were pretty much entirely dormant and I had just messaged someone I apparently had very strong feelings for. I was not prepared for this situation at all but made my best effort to have a normal conversation with her, which I even did manage to at first. While we were talking I started feeling good. So unbelievably infinitely good. Like nothing else matters in any way whatsoever. I developed a whole new view on the world and this wonderful feeling was so foreign to me. It's difficult to describe but it felt like home. Like this person was around specifically for me, and all I had to do was message her. Like I had finally found my soulmate after years of going through agonizing hell. I was very very lonely back then. I remember thinking that all the times I thought about killing myself were unjustified, since I am capable of feeling like this. I had never been in love before my entire life and became convinced that this is the truest love I could possibly find.
​
I knew this feeling was one sided. Obviously. But this sudden confrontation left me unable to think rationally anymore, I was stupid in love and completely overwhelmed by this feeling. Everything about her was perfect, she was like the angel that was supposed to save me from the horrible hell I had put myself in for the past few years,
​
I really cared about her. So much that I became scared. More scared than I have ever been my entire life, My brain seemed to be unable to comprehend that she has been living in the same world as me, the world I have been dispising so much and had spent so much time being upset about. This horrible atrocious world that just eats the weak, that is so unfair to so many and allows for horrible things to happen. I was so scared of accidentally allowing any of my awful way of looking at reality to be transferred to her. I liked her so incredibly much it's indescribable. So I decided to leave again.
​
The folowing night and day I broke my head trying to come up with a way to excuse myself from her life again without enernally closing this door. We had already sort of agreed to meet by then, and the day after I awkwardly said something along the lines of "hey, is it okay if we just message each other for now? I hope thats sort of understandable". I thought my intense feelings came from my dads suicide that happened around the same time we stopped talking, so afterwards I wrote her a pastebin document explaining that my family situation had been very complicated back then and apologizing for anything stupid I said around that time and how I burnedned her with my problems ( even though I probably didn't, at least until then) . I got no reply for days. Probably my cancelling our meetup was already a huge turnoff for her and she had already written me off by then. She eventually replied "no problem, just let me know", to which I almost immediately responded with "okay lets meet today".
​
I got no reply for a month. It was agony. I tried letting her go inside of me but I had never felt anything as intense as the feelings when I tried to. Something inside of me screamed and squirmed as I tried to. Like I would die without her, She was like my oxygen. This situation made me even more convinced that I am not supposed to be burdening her with any of my problems, but an even louder voice inside of me kept telling me we need this person. Convincing myself to keep living without her was completely and utterly impossible at that point. I didn't want to be creepy. I just wanted to do the right thing.
​
In February she happened to come to the same train station I was waiting at. She noticed me and probably found it kind of funny because she smiled a bit, but then she went to the other side of it, making it obvious she didn't want to talk to me.
​
That weekend I messaged her again and told her about my dad's suicide when I was 14. I wanted to just explain my behaviour, I wanted to be understood so badly. I made an effort to seem relatable, but there is only so much you can do via text. I tried giving her all the space possible by saying I totally understand if this is not something you feel like talking about now, while just getting off my chest what I wanted to tell her so badly. At this point my ocd symptoms had gotten pretty bad. I was already actively looking for a counselor but it still took me over six months to finally find one.
​
I got no reply for a month. It drove me so insane it's hard to put into words. I started believing in god during this time. I had never experienced pain so intense as an immediate result of my own actions before in my life. Every single word I had said to her was like a knife stuck inside of my body. Whenever I thought about contacting her, what I would say to her, I immediately started feeling my mental health improve drastically. It was like she was the only medium through which I was able to connect to myself.
​
Often times during that time i told myself I would "get over it now". Whenever I put my mind in the frame of reality that I was likely never talking to her ever again, which was an entirely realistic and rational thought that I knew I needed to convince myself of, I noticed myself spiraling hard. I had been experiencing what was later diagnosed as depression for years now, but this sudden thought induced spiraling by just removing that one person from my life in my mind was like nothing I had ever experienced. Like everything inside of me was falling apart. I desperately tried getting my life together so I wouldn't be talking to her from this pit I was in if I ever got the chance to see her or talk to her again. I reconnected with my old friends who surprisingly just accepted my absence for all that time. It really saved me having them in my life again, in spite of the many bad feelings I associate with my back then best friend.
​
Suicidal thoughts became second nature to me during that time. This was no way of living for me. I imagined messaging her again, what I would say to her, and suddenly this enormous cloud above me would be lifted. I imagined her thoughts from a realistic standpoint, I tried telling myself that a person addiction is not just unhealthy for me but also totally unfair towards her, and suddenly I found myself in hell. unable to fall asleep, waking up at 4-5 am every day with a deep deep sinking feeling in my stomach. Unable to distract myself no matter what I do. Nothing else matters but this. This is the most important thing I have ever done in my life.
​
I kept trying to remind myself that she is also just a person. But I stopped understanding what that meant. Nothing made sense anymore. I was completely unable to motivate myself for anything. The only moments I was able to somewhat function and work was when I convinced my brain that I still had a chance with her, after everything I had already disclosed through facebook messaging. I tried so incredibly hard to be respectful. But I was so confused. If I was too respectful of her it would also be a turnoff, right? How to girls, or at this point women, actually think? What do I need to say to get her to be in my life again? I can't live without her.
​
In march I messaged her again, saying something along the lines of "I'm not upset anymore, obviously, it's been over ten years already".
​
Around that time I became truly paranoid. I was convinced she thought I wanted to murder her and had called the police, and that I am now talking to a police officer pretending to be her to get me to admit to a crime. In my head, it went "We talked after 12 years, it was fine, I invited her to my house", "she said lets go for a walk because of corona", "I reply the following day cancelling and being weird", "I send her a pastebin apologizing for my behaviour 12 years ago", "I tell her my dad killed himself when we stopped talking and it helps me put things in order inside of me".
​
I became convinced I was going to crazy people jail. Suddenly I was so grateful for all the small things in my life that would be gone. Every interaction I get to have with my sister. My friends that I have in my life again. My projects that I am working on, the life I had built by studying and working. It all disappeared in front of my eyes.
​
But the worst part was the empathy I felt towards her. The guilt I felt by putting her through what I thought I had put her through. I am still convinced that what my brain felt for her was love. How all of my actions directly affected her, how much I tried distancing myself to her only to find myself being completely and utterly unable to cope without the idea of at least having a shred of hope. I felt so unbelievably bottomlessly bad for everything I had done. These euphoric highs of "I am finally in love for the first time in my life" and lows of "my life is over now, my family will die and I will go to prison" was just too much for me. How I managed to find myself in that situation is still beyond me, but nothing ever felt as real as that.
​
Eventually she replied. It was like a miracle to me. The second I got her message I felt like I was flying again. I was in her life. She thought of me. I am not going to jail. The mere idea that I exist in her world allowed me to breathe again, for the first time in months. I wasn't drowning anymore.
​
She said "I'll reply to you later, I'm in a university class right now", followed shortly after by "So you're really confusing me and I don't know what you're talking about. The last time we talked we were children (maybe 14?) I believe you have a lot to work through"
​
We talked some more after that. Eventually I said something stupid again (I said you can also start a business with business administration after she told me she is studying this subject and thinking about going into marketing) and she suddenly stopped replying. I sunk to depths I didn't know were possible. My life was a neverending string of a nightmare. Every word I said felt like a blade stuck inside of me again.
​
I learned that regret can be very powerful during that time. I would have likely bitten off a finger of mine only to undo the messages I sent her. But I kept living on. Days passed. Weeks passed. My mood became worse and worse and worse and only improved when I thought about what I could possibly write in a new message to her again. I did not exist outside of her mind, she was all that mattered.
​
This whole experience made me believe in the existence of god. That this was some kind of game or lesson that I needed to learn. Maybe it was punishment for something I did wrong. In my state I was completely unable to find another explanation for any of this. I had been completely deprived of any sort of intimacy for over three years by then and was in extremely dire need for human connection. I believe that's what made me so susceptible to these types of extreme feelings.
​
So I moved forward with my life, found a new job, started exercising somewhat regularly. But every step I took was pure agony. I had no idea it was possible to feel this bad for this long without interruption. This whole experience made me truly question of life was worth living, even though I had already been in a depressed state for years prior to this. Nothing I would do would soothe me. The only idea that kept me going was that in some sense this was meant to be. That the experiences I am making are inevitable and part of something I don't understand, that I need to stop resisting it and just allow it to carry me. Countless times I wished from the bottom of my heart to die by the morning, only to wake up after another short night of sleep and a sinking gut feeling that I am not where I am supposed to be.
​
The idea of her interacting with other male humans really sent me off the edge. It made me so unbelievably depressed and put me in a state of panic that convinced me I needed to take action right now or regret it forever. Only to be met by the wall of her not replying and me being unable to come up with a message that wouldn't make me look even more stupid than I already did.
​
I tried bettering myself during the past months because I saw no other way. I was constantly thrown back into a mindset of "maybe she likes me after all", "maybe she is thinking about how to interact with me and taking her time", "I bet she actually likes me". I kept indulging in these types of ideas to be able to keep going. The alternative idea that I am actually alone with myself and she doesn't care about me, which was actually a lot more realistic, sent me down a path that always rendered me unable to do anything other than lie in bed thinking about death, desperately trying to distract myself any way I could. Any step i made towards something was filled with so much pain it's indescribable.
​
Up until earlier today I was still convinced I still have a chance. She hasn't deleted me on facebook yet so that's something, i thought.
​
Today I met her again. We were on the same train on our way home, I went to the door and stood behind her, having no idea it was her. She turned around and looked at me weirdly before we got off. She started running in the opposite direction. Probably because she was afraid I was going to start talking to her. She may be thinking that I noticed her and followed her like this, but I had no idea it was her. Earlier today I spent a lot of time crying over my hopeless situation, unable to control any of it. How I was going to die alone. How I will never ever ever get what I want. How horribly gut wrenching my life is going to be from now on, as opposed to what it could have been if only I had been different. But now I don't feel anything. I am hoping that this utterly undeniable sign of rejection will finally allow my subconscious to find some kind of peace without constantly going back to the nourishing thoughts that she still may care about me, and allow me to meet other people again.
​
But I may as well just be telling myself that to feel better for the moment. I learned during the past months that I tend to do that, and that I cannot trust my own thoughts and ideas. I have no idea where I am going now, but I am scared again. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know myself, I have never felt so unsure about everything in my entire life.
​
I am going to a counselor for psychotherapy once a week for 45 min, but I am scared of disclosing any of what I just wrote without sounding like an insane completely unrelatable person, and that I would destroy any chance of slowly bettering myself through this therapy spot I was finally able to find by doing so. Right now I truly hate my life and everything about it, and all I can tell myself is that everyone else is feeling bad too at the moment.
​
I'm not sure what to make of any of this. I am just very very confused. Everything I said in this post is entirely true and I made my best effort to convey it as factually as possible. Thank you for reading.
|
OCD
|
First of all, I apologize. You, whoever you are, are going through your own things in life right now, you don't need one more thing to deal with; you are well within your rights to downvote and move on. I've fucked up enough stuff this month, I don't want to add your mood to the pile.
Anyway, in the last two weeks:
* My doctor has taken me off my ADHD meds because my heart rate is too high
* My cats knocked over and destroyed my TV
* One of my cats hid from the rain by sleeping under my car, we buried here this morning, next to her cousin, who passed a few months ago
* A tree came down on our property, it...
* Destroyed the tractor shed
* Destroyed the workshop
* Took out our power
* Took out our phone
* Took out our cable
* Took out our internet
* Today, in an effort to be productive, I chose to change my car's oil, but I forgot to put the crush washer on the filter, and I ended spraying $50 worth of synthetic motor oil all over my driveway, and also running the engine without oil for about 60 seconds
When I do nothing I feel guilty because I've done nothing, when I do something I feel guilty because I fuck it all up and cause more harm than good. Watch it turn out that I managed to seize my engine up and I need to buy a new car or something, that'd be the cherry on the crap.
Sorry, I'm just really fed up with life and myself right now.
TL;DR: Shitty person killed his cat and maybe his car.
|
ADHD
|
When I discovered this theory(?)... my mind was blown, but for days I could not stop thinking about and picturing this got dang circle and placing it over everything i looked at. Luckily it subsided, but that was my first obsession in a while. Anybody else??
*disclaimer: I don’t mean to put this idea in your head if you haven’t thought of it already. Just kind of wanted others’ experiences*
|
OCD
|
Hi,
For the past year I’ve been trying to decide if I should drop my major out of a BS in Computer Science and Engineering to a BA in Computer Science. This has been causing me much anxiety and it’s the only thing I think about every waking moment and right before I go to bed. I don’t know what the “right” decision is. I seek perfection in myself, but I feel like I’ve been wasting my life away trying to make decision as well as in my school engineering course work. However, I am afraid to switch. Either decision I choose will have a negative result. If I stay in engineering I will not have a social life and be under constant stress to do well. As well as not enjoying my college years and probably my mental health will decline. (I also wouldn’t be able to study abroad with my friends but that’s not a major factor.) If I switch to a BA I feel like I am taking the easy way out and that’s not who I am, the classes would be much easier and I’m known to always push myself, I also believe I will regret not doing engineering since I will be a junior and I am half way done. Future job opportunities also may be less. As well as the fear of how people perceive me getting a BA degree instead of a BS.
Does anyone else have trouble making decisions and intrusive thoughts about it? I could really use some help and advice.
|
OCD
|
Alot of the time before bed very disturbing intrusive imagery pops up in my head is there a way to distract my self or something?
|
OCD
|
tl;dr:
Any means of staying focused when studying in an online-manner and watching university lectures for eight hours on end?
Any ideas for how to start when I don't have an "official" lecture early on in the day? When I have my first lecture at 1400, the entire first half of the day is wasted because I can't get my brain out of chill-mode. At all.
Hello there.
I am suffering through my fourth online semester studying Bioengineeing right now, being plagued with the infinite distracting opportunities of the web while I am _supposed_ to focus on the damn lecture makes successful learning nigh-impossible. Having a second screen is even worse in these cases.
Heck, I should be reviewing a lecture right now for a test in two hours, but fuck it I am writing this post instead.
This has gotten so bad that a I wrote myself a program for eliminating common distractors (looking at you, reddit and youtube). I obviously can't publish that here due to rule 10, so I won't.
Even so, it only helps me when I am at my own PC because for rather obvious reason university doesn't allow me to install stuff on their machines :P
---
I am currently unmedicated, even though I took medication all the way from fifth grade through grade 13 of school, and then the first semester of uni. Ever since corona hit in Germany (aka the start of my second semester) I haven't taken medication.
I felt like the little performance gain I was getting under them at the time of the first semester compared to my unmedicated self didn't justify the drawbacks I was experiencing - being moody, cranky, having bad sleep patterns, not eating much, the list goes on.
In addition, I don't even know if I _am_ myself... For nearly ten years I took medication, and the longer I am now not taking any the more I feel disconnected to the person I was.
But is that due to the medication, or just a facet of growing up? Where does the influence of MPH stop, and normal development begin?
_Why the fuck_ do I now consider retaking medication, for the lack of concetration I am experiencing, even though I wholeheartedly don't want to deal with these side-effects again. Are the degree of these side-effects partially caused by perhaps a wrong dosis? Fuck if I know. I don't really have the time to spend two months experimenting with dosage however, because by that point I can bin the current semester.
---
Additional Flair: I am mad and need to vent.
|
ADHD
|
The teacher gave the kid who finished first a giant chocolate bar. I was so enraged, I almost started crying on the spot. That would NEVER be me. I would never finish first no matter how good I was at math or how hard I tried. I wanted to snatch that chocolate bar from that snotty kid who didn’t deserve it cause he didn’t try half as hard as I did (yeah I sound dramatic but I was an angsty 11 year old obsessed with sugar). I felt so incredibly wronged. It still stings today.
|
ADHD
|
I gather I have a relatively mild form of ptsd, but it's trying to FU my future and I'm not ok with that.
Backstory: my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and prescribed pain meds which caused mental breakdown (or some such) changing his personality. He turned physically and emotionally abusive, but was incapable of caring for himself - so I basically took care of the evil twin of my husband until he died.
I thought I had dealt with the emotions surrounding all this, til I started looking to date again. Met a great guy, but he's 10 years older than me which gives me anxious stomach cramps, because of age demographics in cancer patients. I sort of make peace with it, then when learned his father has alzheimers, I nearly vomited. The thought still gives me stomach cramps, despite reading it usually isn't genetic.
I have the same reaction with ambulances, but there I can "just" breathe and walk past. Or sit down if it's really bad.
But those visceral reactions to thoughts of things that could happen. Not even sure that is PTSD, but it's the closest I can describe it.
How do you deal with that kind of stuff?
|
ptsd
|
CW: brief mentioning of sexual trauma, inc\*st, inappropriate sexual remarks from therapist, pretty bad racism (im white, dk if thats important info or not for context)
I posted this in r/CPTSD but i got no responses lol so I'm trying it out here.
hey all. Since I'm not in therapy anymore and feel weird about talking about the same thing too many times to my partner, I wanted to ask you all if you have experienced anything like this or just want to share your experience or validate that this is weird asf.
I had this therapist for two years and I really loved her, I thought she was the coolest. She was very in touch spiritually and was talking about all the things I had been learning about on my own time, like manifestation and energy and shit like that, to put it simply. I had always wanted a spiritual mentor, and it felt like she could fulfill that role as well as be my therapist.
Also, she was super educated and experienced with trauma work. Specifically, sexual trauma. Super specifically, inc\*st. I was able to do so much while she was my therapist, I even separated from my parents and am no contact. Maybe most importantly, she was the first therapist out of four and the first adult out of hundreds that validated my experience and told me everything I've always needed to hear. She played a crucial role in my healing journey.
However, after awhile she started saying off color things. It basically started once we started doing telehealth instead of meeting up in person, honestly. Let me just list some things off the top of my head:
* She told me a detailed story about her experience with a man she cheated on her husband with named Lucifer, how he and her had crazy primal sex (this is something she's said on multiple occasions) and how they had an abusive relationship and she ended up being arrested.
* She also told me she owned sl\*ves in a previous life (?????) and that her karmic retribution was Lucifer being a black man and .. abusing her???????
* She ended a zoom call that was mostly about my beautiful healthy lesbian relationship with my partner with, "have lots of great sex!" (me and my partner have both been sexually abused, why is that something that would be said? especially when we weren't talking about our sex life)
* She began a zoom call after she cut her hair really short with "I could see myself being an older lesbian that dates someone younger" ???????????????????? i am a young lesbian..... lol ........ hello??????
And there have been other things I can't remember right now, but like these are the most extreme examples.
I just feel so messed up about it because she was a mother figure to me and I chose to ignore these weird instances because I needed the emotional support that she provided for me over these past two years. I didn't forget them, but I ignored them for the time being.
She also has helped me so much in a way that literally NO ONE has!!!!!!!!!!!! Not a single person.
Right now I'm no longer in therapy with her, thank god. But like.... what the hell. lol
So does anyone have any encouraging or validating words for me, or relate to having a weirdo fucking therapist?????
|
ptsd
|
I have no intentions nor any plans (my plans have been laid years ago), but I know what IT feels like. For a few months, I've been living my best life and actually happy for what feels like the first time in in my life, but I still feel depressed and suicidal. WHY? Right now, I'm also anxious because I didn't expect to feel like this ever again... and know which choice I want to make.
This particular experience is quite new to me, and I just don't understand what is going on. I don't even know if this is the right place to ask.
|
depression
|
My meds have been all over the place, but I’ve been on 54 mg of Concerta since about July. I moved to a new country, and all they had was the name brand, which worked incredibly but was too expensive for me to reasonably do monthly.
My doc and I worked together to find a more economic option, so now I’m on the generic version here at 30mg, with the option to take two pills a day if I’m noticing a real issue. I’d prefer to try to only take a 30 mg pill a day, though, because this generic isn’t much cheaper than the name brand was if I’m purchasing two boxes at a time each month.
So has anyone lowered their dosage this much before? If so, what can I expect? I will say that so far my morning was fine, though I’ve been procrastinating from housework a bit more. That and I just took a midday nap for the first time in months and woke up groggy.
Curious to see what y’all have experienced.
Edited to fix a typo.
|
ADHD
|
I've had ADHD my whole life. My daughter is 11 and has been diagnosed and treated since she was 6. I mostly took Adderall so does she. It works however she has bad dreams. We took her off and tried Concerta didn't help so put her back on Adderall she's been on it for 2 days. And she was crying that she is having bad dreams and can't sleep. She takes 3 different sleeping medications and still has issues. My question is what can I do? Other than the nightmares amd sleeping everything Is good. Without her medicine she's uncontrollable not just for me and family but school as well. I was thinking of seeing if she can see a sleep specialist. I've never heard of nightmares on Adderall but everyone is differnt. I feel so helpless for her and she's tried so many sleep medicine in the past I don't think she has any other options available for her. She's extremely small so they are already worried about the amount of medicine she's on.
|
ADHD
|
When I watch shows or listen to podcasts, I usually need to keep my hands busy to help me stay focused. Mobile/handheld games that don't require much thinking or reading are pretty good for that! I was wondering if anyone else was the same, and if you had any suggestions!
I'll share some of my favourites:
• Stardew Valley (the beginning is story heavy, but once you get into it, it's pretty routine) (Nintendo Switch and mobile)
• INSIDE (puzzle-platformer) (Nintendo Switch)
• Any game by Kairosoft (business simulation) (Nintendo Switch and mobile)
• Wizard of Oz (match 3 game) (mobile)
• Solitaire (mobile)
If only the Sims games were on the Switch, I would never take my hands off.
|
ADHD
|
I have PTSD from a near-fatal car crash in 2005 and C-PTSD from a lifetime of severe abuse at home, internet harassment, and severe bullying at school right up until the first year of university. I'm posting because I need support and the company of non-toxic people who can understand what it's like to live in fear everyday.
I was the target of a massive internet harassment campaign from 2011-2014, spearheaded by neo-Nazi troll "weev". Then in 2016, it started again, and it's still ongoing. During the course of it, I've gotten doxxed, stalked, pelted with verbal abuse every single day on every social media platform, chased off social media, and basically retraumatized for the lulz. Manipulation, gaslighting, victim-blaming. They hacked my devices and recorded audio and video of me in the washroom. They've broken into my apartments, stolen items, and hidden cameras in my bedroom, which I only found out about later on. They've watched my most intimate moments with my partner at the time. I have no privacy whatsoever. Neither am I allowed any dignity or decency.
They're like the Energizer Bunny of hate: they just keep going and going and going. They create Reddit usernames like "YourPersonalNightmare" based on anything that they know will trigger trauma, like shaming me for being caught on video on the toilet, or once while changing a tampon. They're having a great time sadistically shaming me. The psychological abuse never ends. I'm told I should contact the FBI. I can, but the damage has been done.
This hate campaign has gone on for so long that it's become normalized. I've been verbally abused and harassed in the real, offline world. They want everyone on the planet to hate me and harm me. They've tried to get me to kill myself.
I've been struggling with suicidal ideation. My support networks are gone. I'm currently isolated in the countryside with no access to a vehicle. Whenever I move, they dox me and hack me again. I'm using the Tails OS right now, but I wouldn't be surprised if I have no privacy on this operating system, either.
Trust me that the police will not help. Oh, I've tried. They're hopeless.
I live in constant fear. I don't think I'll ever be safe again. I live on a small disability allowance, which means my options for defending myself technologically or by moving again are limited.
I'm just looking for support and recognition that this situation is, in fact, insane and not okay. That it's not okay to traumatize someone. That it's not okay to retraumatize someone. That I deserve privacy. That I don't deserve harassment from hundreds of thousands of anonymous strangers.
God, I hate cruelty. I hate this.
|
ptsd
|
Does anyone else in this sub have a photographic memory? I can remember literally everything that has ever been said to me, what I have seen, heard, etc. I was told a long time ago that it is fairly common with my level of ASD. I ask because I get frustrated easily when people do not remember an event or sequence of events or even a conversation we had. How can they not remember? For a long time, I thought people were just liars as they seem to tell the same stories over and over but they are always different, they seem to add or delete details and I find it maddening. A therapist told me it is not malicious and that NT's just don't remember everything and they just fill in the gaps... How is this possible? do they not know that is lying? do they care?
|
aspergers
|
Today I attended my driving lesson before my last one (my road exam is two weeks from now), and it's like my shitty driving just won't wear off! I almost hit someone's wing mirror, drove straight into an intersection where I should've given way, and then I overtook a car that was parked on the side of the street, but didn't realize the car behind me was overtaking me in the meantime, so I almost hit the dude. How do you deal with these situations? I'm a fine driver on familiar roads, but the exam route is by the city's busiest neighborhoods.
|
ADHD
|
specifically, romantic relationships. it's like I'm so unforgiving. early on in the relationships. my partners always say something stupid. like calling another girl sexy or something like that. it sticks with me forever. I think about it constantly. and this just happened in Mt new relationship. I can't get over it. i literally wake up and think about, dream about it, while im walking to work it's on my mind. it doesn't leave. I can't even tell if I'm angry or hurt. but it does just hit my heart in such a strong way where I want to die. I mean it really is that bad.
any good ideas to get over these things?
|
OCD
|
It’s been pointed out to me recently that when I’m thinking about something, not only is it written on my face, but that I shake my head like an etch-a-sketch if I want the thought to go away. I’m curious if anyone else has this experience, or if it’s unique to me.
While I’m here, I also have a “tic” of repeating people when they ask me a question or I’m thinking out loud. What kind of experiences do you guys have? How do you address them if someone points them out to you?
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ADHD
|
I have so many things I want to get off my chest and just talk about and it’s eating me up inside every second of every day. I feel like cutting my wrist deeper than I’ve ever gone before. I have one friend and I can’t even talk to her about these types of things because she doesn’t understand at all. I just wish I had at least one person to actually listen to my problems for once. I’m always the person people turn to but when I need to turn to someone no one is ever there.
|
depression
|
Hello all,
I don't know if this is the right place or if maybe I'm weird for this or something -- but, almost a year ago I had major surgery on my back. I got to the point before surgery that I couldn't walk or go to the bathroom. It was miserable. I had a laminectomy and a discectomy, the procedure was supposed to be an hour and a half long, but it turned into 5+ hours because my spine was so messed up. I had 4 bone spurs, a lot of calcium buildup that had to be removed, and my disc was so swollen that they had to get at things a different way, according to the surgeon.
When I got out of surgery, I had no idea that I had a 7 inch scar on my back. I woke up alone and terrified and scratched my face up in a panic. I was in the hospital for a week, working with physical therapists and such so I could learn how to walk again. I feel better for the most part, but I'm terrified of touching the area where my scar is.
The only time that I EVER touch my scar or even that area, is at night when I bathe. I don't let anyone touch the small of my back where the scar is, but my physical therapist is working with me to get me used to touching it again by massaging the area at the end of our sessions. I have nightmares about my scar opening back up, even though it's fully healed and closed up and getting lighter in color day by day. I have this irrational fear of the smallest touch hurting my back and I get so anxious when I think about it that it nearly sends me into a panic attack.
Is anyone out there like me? Is having this kind of fear and anxiety normal after surgery, even this long after? I feel so lost and scared and I don't talk about it to my family for fear of sounding crazy.
|
ptsd
|
I struggle quite bad with obsessive thoughts- ranging from taboo subjects to general anxieties. More recently I’ve noticed I just get fixated on the idea I’m not “enough” for anyone, or anything. I will break down my whole life and critique every corner of if and it makes me just give up on taking care of myself and trying new things. Even though, I really want to just live. I’m really looking for any tips/advice that may have helped you guys- even just a little. I really appreciate in advance :)
|
OCD
|
I was reading [this newsletter](https://www.nateliason.com/medley/284) (thanks, /u/nateliason) and he talked about the nascent Crypto/Web3/Blockchain/etc. industry that will explode in the near future. While I'm not here to debate whether it will happen and/or when, there are a couple points that really stood out and if things play out as he anticipated, this could become a place where Aspies can have a fair chance at employment:
>This is a radically different world than the Headshots, LinkedIn, and Resume world of Web2. If you're not comfortable being interviewed by someone presenting as an Anime character and never having a voice call, you might be a little uncomfortable.
If this really plays out, then it'll be the most Aspie-friendly job market in history. Most aspies suck at interviews, esp when they have to talk face to face, have good body language, etc.
What are you thoughts?
|
aspergers
|
Okay so hi, i’m new here and new to this whole aspergers thing. My psychiatrist recommended this place to me, she has helped me a lot but not been able to give me any real tips, so i thought i could give it a go.
I am interested in arts and languages but maths, physics and chemistry are not my favorite, and it’s really visible when you look at my grades.
When i try to force myself to studying maths or something like that i just get really anxious and start to cry. I want to be good at school, i reallyreally do, but just don’t know what to do :(
and sorry if i made any spelling mistakes, i’m finnish :’)
|
aspergers
|
Hi. Are there any OCD specialists in Pretoria? Please send their contacts.
|
OCD
|
Am I the only one who has intrusive thoughts while masturbating and it’s driving me insane. I’m thinking I could like these thoughts if they are popping into my head at this time. Anyone else?
|
OCD
|
I nearly jumped out of my skin because a coworker simply said good morning to me. I wish I could just be normal instead of being that guy people are told to avoid talking to.
|
ptsd
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Soooo I finally got my first ever permanent job with full (very cushy) benefits in an org that is centred around different brains. Even though it's not my ideal role, I am so proud because I just never thought this is something I'd achieve.
There's one small problem. We only get 30 minute lunch breaks.
I've mostly had jobs that do 45-60 mins and I like it because it gives you time to eat, digest, and then break up your day/clear your head with a decent walk.
I've also been self employed for 3 years which worked really well because i can work according to my own flow.
I've had one job with 30 minute lunches and by the time I ate and peed, i had to get back to work and I always felt sick/sleepy after lunch, even if eating a light meal.
Maybe this isn't such an issue for non-ADHDers but i get so brain fatigued. The difference was night and day in my performance, longevity and enthusiasm for the jobs with longer lunch breaks compared to the 30 min one.
So I'm wondering if anyone has any tips to use these lunch breaks most effectively so I can actually feel recharged?
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ADHD
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My mother suffered from depression all her life and I guess that’s how I got. After a failed (horrible) marriage today’s in my 40s , I’m hardly able to perform at my IT job, not able to upskill myself nor able to enjoy anything like I used to few years ago. Besides really bad depression and suicidal thoughts I suffer from arthritis too. I just wish this life ends asap, every morning when I wake up , I hate it that I woke up and didn’t pass away while sleeping, there is only so much pain and suffering a human can handle. Please someone kill me.
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depression
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I can't even. Why? Just why? There's nothing wrong with my hormones, my cycle is perfect. I'm not a hysterical imbecile, just a woman.
I tried short acting methylphenidate, it made me a little anxious and was ineffective. Upped the dose, very anxious and ineffective. Changed to long acting, anxious for longer, ineffective. Changed to even longer acting (Concerta) and upped the dose, more effective, anxiety is crippling, now I can't sleep. I went to the doctor to put my foot down and say no more of this medication, and accidentally mentioned that it affects me differently during different parts of my cycle. The worst part is that I can't help but be angry with myself, because I should have learned by now that anything you say as a woman about your body can and will be used against you.
So now I'm supposed to start god damn birth control to go along with the methylphenidate, even though the anxiety is clearly caused by the stimulant, which I've been asking to discontinue for weeks. I can't cope with this. I have gone along with it all to gain his trust and show that I'm responsible, and all I've ever asked for is to try non-stimulant medication. It's like they just can't ever give you what you think you need, always need to prove you don't know your own mind or body.
Idk, I was so excited to finally get my life together, but now I feel so worn out from this titration process, I just want to give up. I don't want to lie to my doctor but I'm not going to take the birth control to fix a problem I wouldn't be having without the stimulant. I'm so done.
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ADHD
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hi everyone, i’m a junior in high school taking dual enrollment, honors, and AP classes. i don’t have a problem with doing work when i’m in school, but once i get home everything falls apart and i’m unable to do just about any schoolwork. i am medicated (30mg vyvanse in the morning, 10mg adderall IR when i get home at 3pm) so i really don’t know why i’m still struggling. i’m behind in almost every class and when it comes to reading anything it’s pointless to even try. if i could just get myself to do my work, study, and retain what i read i’d be golden. i’ve already tried sitting at the table, putting my phone away, and keeping momentum going once i get home but i’m exhausted when i get home, so when i take a break, it turns into an hours-long break. i can’t think of anything else to try at this point, so any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated <3
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ADHD
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I went to a city in the UK which I've been two twice before, a really nice town with a lot of money, think of it as like Kensington in London. That sort of area. And for some reason on this visit, I felt horrible, like completely overwhelmed. I pegged this to the really strong materialism and envy I feel a lot of the time, but the thing was I'd never felt it this viscerally, and it'd never had such a strong effect on my mood. Usually, it's just an afterthought or a nag in the back of my head. For all intents and purposes, I would've usually felt alright in a place like that. But I think it's the fact of being around so much that's unattainable to me at the moment. I don't like to gawk at wealth and success how some people do. To me, that's just digging a deeper hole of envy for yourself since it won't actually help you change much. I don't know, it was an interesting experience and I think a useful case study if anyone feels similarly.
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aspergers
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Hello everybody, I hope you are all doing well. At the time I am writing this it’s very late at night but I have been needing to talk to someone about this for a long time. As long as I (20 yr old M) can remember I’ve had OCD but I was only officially diagnosed only a couple years ago at most. It’s somewhat irrelevant but though I’ve improved since completing therapy I certainly have relapsed hard in some areas. But what I’m asking today: is constant, relentless internal dialogue, like full on conversation with my self an aspect of OCD anybody else experiences or might I have some other mental disorder? I want to quickly clarify that I’m in no way seeking a diagnosis on the internet from anyone but rather trying to validate my experiences with other people who share my illness, or if I should seek help for something different entirely. To expand upon what I experience, I’m aware that internal dialogue is healthy and normal to some extent but I feel strongly that in my case it’s severely more constant and consuming, to the point where I’m literally explaining and describing things to myself, teaching this other voice in my head about things I already know or believe. It’s difficult to describe because I don’t have any other frame of reference but it’s like I’m constantly playing both sides of arguments or conversations in my head. I very often speak to myself in conversation audibly but quietly or I mouth words to myself. Sometimes I even speak to myself in the mirror either as if I’m talking to another person in the mirror or it’s to watch myself talk. (Possibly related to my social anxiety, also diagnosed) 99% of the time I do this unconsciously but when I do catch myself I I pretend to have a conversation with someone that I might know about how i talk to myself this in depth and this constantly as to have conversations with my self paradoxically repeating my seemingly uncontrollable conversations with myself and repeating another layer of “wow did you know that I talk to myself about how myself talks to my self talking to myself” ad infinitum. Think of how if two mirrors are placed opposite, the images of their reflections go on infinitely in a tunnel. This is how I can best describe this. Just to cite one specific example of this, when i watch debates on YouTube as I like doing, I will talk to myself as if I’m speaking to a friend watching it with me about my thoughts. And I will go deep into explaining concepts in detail to myself as if I’m trying to teach somebody this particular thing when I know exactly what it is, going as far as to pause the video , gesture to myself and talk to thin air, and then engage in conversation where both people are me all along. I’m trying my best to illustrate what I experience but it’s so hard to do and this probably doesn’t do it justice but this kind of stuff is literally nonstop. Which I understand isn’t normal. Like I stated above I believe this could possibly be a weird combination of my social anxiety and ocd, because I am so anxious about taking to people both irl and on the internet I rely on conversation and belief challenging almost exclusively with myself in my head. But I don’t know. I’m so sorry that this post might seem incoherent and all over the place but that’s because my thoughts are all over the place and in the course of writing this all the things I mentioned above and things I failed to mention, occurred in my head while trying to make this post. Sometimes i feel like I’m psychotic and losing my mind, if anyone can offer insight, validation or a direction to discover a separate possible mental illness that I might be able to get help for, I’d be tremendously grateful. And if you are someone that took time to read all this and reach out in the comments, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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OCD
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before i go to bed or leave my apartment i have to check my sinks, my windows, my doors, my oven, fridge, and shower and make sure they're all off/locked. i will check them all then think "what if i missed one?" so i check them again and before i know it i checked them all 10 times. the worst is when i leave and im like 5 mins away in the car and i have to turn around and have to go back to check them again. it's been driving me nuts and i feel like im insane.
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OCD
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I am totally freaking out. Rabies is my number one HA fear besides maybe cancer. I have a huge fear of bats because of it. On Tuesday I was out taking my dog for a walk and it was dark outside. I was standing in a flood light by a small grove of trees at my apartment complex when all the sudden I feel something bump against my neck and then left shoulder. I freaked out and looked around but couldn't see anything.
I went back to my apartment where I checked my skin but there wasn't any visible mark I could make out. Of course, I gave into the anxiety and started googling, and found an article of a man dying after a bat flew into his hand without any visible bite or scratch. So that just made me spiral.
And to make things worse, I started feeling sick yesterday and feel like I have the flu now. So my brain has convinced me Im dying.
I received postexposure prophylaxis for rabies in 2018 after a similar freak-out but without any sort of possible contact. I want to think it was just a leaf that hit me since it is autumn and I was under some trees, but it just felt heavy.
I'm really disappointed in myself because I've have been doing so well with ERP and haven't had any sort of panic attack since I started a new medication. I can’t meet with my therapist until Friday :(
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OCD
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Lately, i think i have given up entirely on living. Surviving is all i seem to do. Hell i cant really do that one well either. I think i finally broke spiritually. Funny as it sounds, fried potatoes and soda seem to be the only things that consistently alleviate the empty or pain. The fried potatoes i can make like my biological mom could before she died 5 years ago. Soda was always a drink my biological family shared and had together when times were good. It was always like sharing some beer with some good mates, except for me it was family and pepsi. At this point, i think i have stopped wanting to be social with anyone close to me. Stop caring for those who care for me. I have noticed i have become way more selfish. Not to mention the severe self destruction i bring to me. I make good people out as the bad guy cause i just cant fathom why they wouldnt try to hurt me. I promised God I wouldnt kill myself so im just waiting for Him to take me at this point. I know it will be a while but I am ready. I realize i am the bad guy for a lot of my life. I blame things on my mental illnesses. I refuse to change. At this point im not even sure i want to get help. Waiting on some medication but insurance is weird. I dont want to get close to anyone again. I just want to be selfish and alone for the rest of my life. I am convinced the people that love me will only hurt themselves. Dont know why i bother with them. I think im really close to just givibg up entirely on life. I dont want to pursue my lifelong dream of being an amazing husband and father anymore. I fear how much pain i can give someone and how much pain they can give me. I feel useless. I cant hold a job. I cant do anything reliably except fuckup in major ways. I feel im close to going over the edge in my mind and just losing my humanity. I wish life wasnt just pain except for potatoes and pepsi. I dont know if i should even try to fix myself since it seems impossible. Been dealing with this stupidity since i was born so that makes it 20 years now. I have no desire to be loved or to love. I have no desire to go forward in life. I have no desire to do somethibg meaningful with my life. Im almost convinced i dont want help. I guess i just want comfort. Been told by my adoptive fanily that you wont progress being comfortable. However being uncomfortable sends me into large episodes that i nearly kill myself in. I dont know what to do. I wonder if its ok to only live for God, pepsi, and fried potatos.
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depression
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I have an irrational fear and anxiety that comes with the sight or sound of helicopters or large aircrafts. I immediately panic internally, and become nauseous and restless until it passes. I have been on both helicopters and planes, and I’m fine being on them. I have not had any traumatic experiences with either. Can anyone relate?
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OCD
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Firstly, context. I have a pretty good life. Friends and family that care about me. Hobbies I enjoy. In school for a major I like. Financially stable. I don't hate myself - in fact I think I'm a pretty cool person. However... I've been depressed for at least the past 7 years of my life. Been on countless meds. Been in therapy. Been involuntarily hospitalized a few times. I've even gotten rTMS recently. Nothing gets rid of depression. So far I've had huge life-altering depressive episodes about every 3 years. I strongly believe this pattern will continue.
I just don't understand why anyone would want to live? Like genuinely? I would prefer death over anything. My therapist tries to get me to make goals for myself, to think of things to look forward to, but that doesn't work for me. Because in order to experience anything I would have to be alive. And being alive in and of itself sucks - and that's me coming from my extremely privileged perspective. There's literally nothing I've ever experienced that makes me go "wow I'm sure glad I didn't die x years ago so that I was alive just now to experience that". And as far as the people I'd leave behind if I were to commit suicide, there's no point in me feeling bad for them because I'd be dead. And the whole point of being dead is that you don't feel anything because you don't exist anymore.
Death just seems like a surefire way of getting rid of everything distasteful about life. Sure, you get rid of the good stuff too but like, you're dead, so it's not like you're gonna miss it. Every way I think about it there's just no reason to prefer life over death. But everyone else seems to think life is automatically greater than death.
So why haven't I committed suicide yet? I'm just too fucking scared of doing it wrong and surviving.
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depression
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I am making this post to share a great evil, an evil so great I think it rivals if not surpasses even the axis evil with the only difference being this evil didn't have a fragment of the former evils power to do terrible things on such a massive scale but it would in a heart beat if it could have. The great evil is my former OCD whom I have pretty much beaten, but for some reason I just want to post about it all the time now (could be OCD doing the work ironically). So I have decided to get rid of it once and for all and to move on with my life by posting everything my OCD has done to me between the ages of 5 and 15. I have to admit I am also doing it a little bit to spark a reaction (I think I've earned at least that much after surviving it) but trust me I am the first guy to hate people who pretend to have mental illnesses and besides I do not want to be known for something bad in my life I want to be know for something great I will accomplish down the line. I am going to start counting all the things starting with the worst things it has done to me gradually moving on to the less horrid ones (some of the things might seem out of order but for me that was the order, also the order is starting from 0 not 1)
Num.0 Continuously banning me video games for 15+ months. On paper this might seem like one of the least bad things my OCD has done to me and it would be if it was just banning me from playing them but you see video games, designing and making them that is my passion and my favorite past time is to think about my own video games and that was harshly banned so many times. It lead to me having severe depression and to consider myself sub-human which led to my OCD having an even greater control over me. I could take the abuse cause I had a reason for it, cause I could after it at least think about my games and it was fucking enough which is also why I never felt extra depressed cause of it but it had to be stripped away to and that broke me. My whole 8th grade and a significant portion of the 9th was it banned along with some time in 7th grade and just before it so the sheer scale of it is another thing that makes it so bad. To add salt to the wound during this time my art teacher had us draw a video game saying we might even see it come to life, my dream! At any other time I would have been trilled but this was in 8th grade when I was banned from even thinking about y games led alone drawing them and instead of having the time of my life I just sat there doing nothing since I could not and fearing of an F. In the end I didn't do anything and just watched my dream chance being nuked. Also the irony of this I used to always turn in my game levels in art class before this ban and this even got me in trouble as I was going off topic. Oh and excluding most of 8th grade and 9th grade I could not go to school without being able to think about video games as I would be sinning school. To admit in some cases I used it as a defense mechanism to myself to not go to school when I had a test and shit but still.
Num.1 Demonizing things around me to the point if I saw or heard literally 99.99% of things it would lead to rituals on my YouTube, on YouTube I'd see even more of those things which would prolong each of these rituals to the point I'd barely finish them 6 and a half hours later and of course flashing combinations of horrid images that make the 6th entry feel like a joke after what I'd see some bad thing again and the whole process repeats itself. Even in my house I had to look down always to avoid it and I couldn't even go outside anymore without returning to the computer after like 3 minutes to do a new ritual. This caused a big problem for school cause I returned home to do the rituals so often I was on the verge of well not being expelled but I caused huge issues for my school with my absence. Eventually as to not get expelled I had to hold it in till the end of school and do them then, while waiting for the time to come I felt as if I was a sub human trash can and suffered greatly from some horrid images as well as self hatred. And this wasn't just on the outside I also had to ALWAYS stack all my thoughts in this hierarchy from the worst to best ALWAYS to think about the best, if I so much as thought about a bad one I had to think about all the better ones one by one or say them all one by one or both usually and obviously this went around during the rituals on computer and other visible rituals as well both things had to be complimented and exacted perfectly for my OCD to give me the ability to stop thinking about absence shit and saying the worst trash about me. Oh and the bad things were any and ALL movies some more some less, most games especially Sony and FNAF, many many places near me, any childhood memory despite my childhood being pretty good for the most part y OCD tricked into thinking it was hell etc
The combination of these two made my 8th grade living hell. Hell the lockdown didn't even mean anything since I already couldn't leave the house.
Num.2 Destroying my friendship with possibly the best human I have ever met. I had a best friend from 3rd to 6th grade and by the title of this entry you can already guess how our friendship ended. My OCD would make me touch him, one time near his dick(in his lower abdomen) many many many like 300 times a school day sometimes in his arms, ears etc cause we sat together. In 5th, 6th and 7th grade my OCD gave me one condition to make itself go away, on the last day of school I was to touch his mouth. In 5th grade I managed to do it and now that I think about it I should have fucking realized it was all a hoax way back then when my OCD didn't go away but got worse. My OCD already K.O d our friendship several times when it made me cuss his mom at him, several times. Now I think he was being melodramatic in this instances since I pretty much looked like I was pointed a gun at to say these things which is how I felt. But we'd get back together after every time. Now when it truly K.O'd our friendship was on the spring break of 6th grade. My OCD told me the same thing it did as on the end of 5th grade but he refused this time, I dumb and devastated didn't see things for how they were (my OCD blackmailing and torturing me) but I blamed him for locking me in with my OCD and not even something my OCD ordered me to do but out of sheer angered at started cussing at him again his mom and everything and that is when he stopped talking to me for over 2 YEARS. Just to add a bit more salt here in 8th grade he started talking to me again but as I then hated myself I wouldn't talk back as I didn't deserve it in my mind.
Num.3 Many times it made me touch random people or my classmates, some times teachers. I now realize how inappropriate it was especially some of the girls but it's not like I had a choice and I never touched them near private parts just shoulders only there. Still it cause quite a bit of trouble from my parents having to explain to strangers that I had OCD to touch them, to having to chase some of my friends to touch them in school. I separate this from the Num.2 cause while this was devastating the Num.2 was just on another level. Some of my friends noticed I had to touch them back if they touched me so they touched me and ran away (I am actually grateful for this my OCD has one hole in it's rules if it's literally impossible to do a ritual you are excused and since I could not outrun them no matter how hard I tried I ended up breaking the ritual quite a few times weakening the hold my OCD had over me and those same my friends even cheered me on sometimes to not do it, to have faith in myself which is why I say friends not bullies)
Num.4 On paper this one seems like the worst but for several reasons it was actually humane in comparison to the ones higher on the list although I fell pretty bad just writing this entry. For some reason it made me do very indecent things when we me and my family went on our vacation. It made me touch my fathers dick several times . . . when I was 13 it made me strip naked at the entrance of our apartment . . . when I was 13, ok so you know the character Sarada from Boruto (this one is gonna be so awkward to type) well you see I made my dad say "When Sarada grows older I want her to frick me" . . . several times . . . when I was 13. Also (I didn't understand how private that part is) it made me touch my mum others boobs and her lower abdomen thank God not her pussy (disclaimer: it would have if it could have made me don't think my OCD has any morals or something). The reason this entry is so low on the list is first these were my parents, they knew I had OCD so while still awekard it wasn't as much of a problem as with strangers or classmates who had no obligations towards me and second I knew I didn't want to do those things so I didn't think I was a monster only my OCD, I knew it held a gun of sorts at me to do it (remind you of certain imperial Japanese who visited Nanking maybe).
Num.5 Completely opposite of what people expect of OCD my OCD made me very UNsanitary. I couldn't use the towel or even wash hands cause of it. Made me lick the ground. This one should maybe be even lower on the list but if you think about it it's like a figurative "suck my cock" kind of thing making it pretty bad as well as the fact I could have gotten so many dieses from it, thank God it was before CORONA 19. And to add to this this might not be the product of my OCD but still it is that I started doing some basic human skills as late as when I was 14-15 and when I say basic I mean it, bathing, putting on my shirt and pants alone etc hell even eating with a fork and a spoon for awhile even just eating a sandwich. Before it my mom did it for me. I put this low on the list cause in the long run it hasn't had much effects on me (still has but they can be overwritten IMO) since I am 15 now and do all of these by myself.
Num.6 Same as Num.4 on paper this would be higher but to me it is actually a pretty good bargain when you look at the higher entry's. Basically lewding my mom all the time and at one point somehow even my dad and grandma. This one is so low cause unlike all others whom it can just summon at any given time and fuck my life with it this one actually needs a trigger. Either certain words (like me writing this), me fapping or seeing my mom (or any others lewded in question). Also besides the obvious this also destroyed masturbating and my relationship with my mom as in the classic OCD fashion it's her fault for existing totally not OCD's fault or anything. I still can't handle being touched by her. Oh and to add salt to this one it all kind of started with this were dream of my mom had 4 after it, they are my anxiety incarnate. This one is also so low on the list cause it does not make me feel like a psyco it just makes me laugh at my OCD for being an Alabama shipper and it shows me how hard nerfed it has gotten since 8th grade where it could basically torture me with anything for anything at any time and all the time. I still count as if I defeated my OCD though since this only deals with th lower urges of my body while I am still pretty free from OCD in general, I defeated it last year this is just bootleg OCD
Num.7 Making me always without question tell my parents notably my dad about any crushes I've ever had even if they weren't real. He's the type of guy to make fun of you for it, hard. And I had to tell him AND insist on it just so he'd make fun of me, hell sometimes I had to wait for him for an hour or two just to tell him that, to be made fun of. Even my dad got bored of it after awile and stopped having reactions to it, my OCD didn't. Also the one time I was 8 and it made me REPEAT so not once or twice but many times to say "My penis gets this tingly feeling when I see a hot girl but only a hot girl, this guy "I point to a fat guy" doesn't make it tingle" even back then I felt super ashamed of saying ti now unlike most other things it made me do this just makes me laugh out loud lmao.
Num.8 Making me gulp when I was sick as to hurt myself since my trout hurt when I gulped. Hurt like hell sometimes but nothing big I guess.
Num.9 Make me feel like I am eating something ugh when I was not or making my taste buds mix what I eat with something that makes it taste ugh. This didn't happen often and only caused me the mildest of issues
Num.10 This one as the last entry was even kind of fun. It's the normal things you expect from OCD like jumping over cracks and shit. It was a fun game that is how my OCD started back when I was 5 my mom told me way back then I should not play with it as it can evolve into something horrid, I didn't believe her and 10 years later let's just say I do (:
To add even more salt over all of this my OCD basically thinks it is a Messiah, a deity above God and that everything he does is automatically the most saint act, the dude could make children rape their mothers at gunpoint and think he's the hero. This is also what leads to the it's most powerful attack. Since I for awhile believed this too (not to that extent though) anytime I failed to the anything of his I felt like I was sub human trash and I felt like I was being chocked to death. This felt much worse then Num.6 or even Num.1 I didn't put it on any entry cause it's universal it pretty much comes after any failed ritual and stops when you accomplish it
And the salt cherry on top of it all, to think how much more friends would I have now, how much better I'd have done in school and how much better my 8th grade could have been if my OCD was never a thing. I might have made my first video game by now or even got a real girlfriend (: oh well when life gives you OCD childhood make the best out of it.
I knew I'd forget to write something and I probably still am forgetting something else. My OCD sometimes was so sadistic it didn't even tell me what is the ritual but instead made me guess it knowing any of the entries or some sick combination of them will strike if I fail to guess which rituals is the right one and I realized like a few weeks ago that in reality there was no right ritual each time it was rigged so I'd suffer from any of the entry's above all from a combination of them despite pulling my heart out guessing and doing the rituals fast. Man if you want to torture me at least AT LEAST don't make some sort of sick game out of it pls. This goes for nearly all entry's so it's not its own entry
I STILL forgot many things, I don't have the time or patience to remake this list so I will just add them here in no order
Making me wait to pee and poop for many hours many times
Numbers obsession like I had to do all of the rituals above but yet another factor is it had to be a certain number which changed over time, it also couldn't be multiplications or divisions of some numbers leaving with like 2 numbers being optimal and yes if I fucked up had to start from number one again
I just realized some other things I never thought were OCD actually were like my worry for grades in 3rd grade that was so great it was legit the only time in my life I wanted to kill myself along with a few other times all school related (my OCD's rituals themselves never made me want to f myself cause I always had immense hope for the future which came)
I used to be terrified of FNAF and my OCD made me play jumpscares again and again as a punishment for failing it's rituals, many times I stalled DAYS to do it just cause of how scared I was (I was always flabbergasted by people saying FNAF isn't scary but looking back it really isn't scary or at least not that much) I think this also made me want to f myself along with the school things
My immense fear of the sound of thunder also could be OCD cause I literally would keep my ears plugged with my fingers through pain cause by it that is big for 3+ hours just cause a couple of thunders hit like 2 miles from where I am. My parents were very worried for my hearing cause of it and I (and still do) always want to trade my hearing to not hear thunder. Like there are phobias but this is just insane and yes it did led me to think about killing myself ok so there were other things that made me want to commit die but never where they the product of the rituals toughness only of fear of some other things
My OCD also sees my friends and mostly my family as an extension of it's will so I have to make them do rituals too sometimes but never to the extent that I did. Getting them on board to do them is tiring as hell. Many times I waited DAYS for my family to let me make them do them a couple of times I layed in bed next to my dad for 25 HORUS staying awake for 19 of them just to get him to do some ritual, for my friends same most notably my before mentioned best friend who also can't take it in such scale.
Not letting me drink or eat till the rituals is done, same as peeing and pooping although not as immense, but still pretty bad
It also made me unable to keep secrets, my best friend (man did my OCD try to end our friendship hard) told me a cuss ones and said not to tell anyone and I just had to. I tried not to but I got sick and then I fall asleep and in my dream I told my mom like I actually said it in real life to her through my dream just cause of how much my OCD egged me to.
Speaking of dreams I also sometimes dream about doing OCD and not finishing it before awaking and then I have to finish them irl. If I dreamt of any of those bad things I had to clean my mind like described above with stacking thoughts too.
I always knew our teachers aloud us to do questions on tests out of order, they said it many times and it just makes sense how can they even know in what order we write them in but my OCD always made me ask that question to my teachers. It made me ask them other dumb, obvious questions it was embarrassing
My OCD also made me misbehave in class like getting up walking around in patterns closing the door 128 times DURING class, my teachers were MAD, most were supportive though, my math teacher even told me that she seen smart children suffer from such a dieses to calm me down.
It made me drink see water in rituals. Too salty.
On 7th grade vacation a ritual almost lasted for so long I got left in the middle of nowhere by the bus and people cussed me for keeping them waiting ):
It even plagued me when playing games and shit, I know to beat the game I had to do x thing or I just wanted to do the x thing, I do the y thing
Listing them all like this wow was it bad never realize it. My parents mostly my dad always said I am just being lazy and spoiled for doing these things most of the time I was frustrated with them and knew just how much wrong they are but since being mentally sick and crazy is taboo where I live and you are basically axed from society (overdoing it it's not that bad) . Therapists serve to send you to an asylum for the most part even though I think my parents overdid it and if I could go back in time I would see one, I think it would have made things better as opposed to my friends being the only therapists, MIDDLE SCHOOLERS being my therapists. also cause they didn't want to be the parents with a sick child. My mom once told me crying and yelling "What did we do to deserve to be parents of a mental retard/sick child (I don't remember which she used). I don't know why I deserved to be tortured man I just know I was tortured (I didn't deserve it though). They also said that everyone has those urges and I just have to try harder not to do them or have them. I really wanted to go out with my mom but we got into fights cause she di not want to be seen with a sick person being her son ): And while it was me who advocated on being babied by her for so long (Num.5 on the list) and she always tried to quit doing that to me even though due to all the mental shit on my mind it would have made it hella difficult she should have tried harder.
My mom also said I couldn't be sick since actual sick people don't know they are sick (this Reddit dedicated to self posting OCD sufferers proves otherwise)
And my dad always advocated I am just being melodramatic and shit and told me if I actually went to a therapist they'd just say the same thing ): which is one of the reasons I didn't go. Most of my teachers were supportive some labeled it as me being spoiled ): and here comes the biggest surprise, my classmates almost everyone one were very very supportive to me not what you hear about middle school students right? You usually hear they are assholes which mine were to an extent but deep down they were supportive and good, their treatment differed from my parents in one big way while everything else as virtually the same they acknowledged the struggle I had, but of coarse the one classmate that viewed me as shit instead of supporting me was my crush ):
OK, people gonna kill me for this but I don't actually have ill will towards my parents for this. My dad just underestimated the threat and his brother already died in an asylum for being schizophrenic's so it's understandable he didn't want to go through that again with me and so he thought denying it would make it go poof (wrong) and for my mom she really does love you can feel it and I left out the fact that there were more times she tried to be supportive like my friends I just mentioned her lows me just made many mistakes. Obviously the fact that my parents were usually supportive of these things just not with me does not paint them in a good light like with this one kid and the fact other parents sometimes were more supportive.. Honestly the only bad guy here is my OCD, no one else wanted to halt my growth, torture me 24/7 and destroy my happiness other then him NO ONE!
Looking at it like this my life seems to have been taking L's but I still made it work and had fun as impossible as it sounds (bar 8th grade there is no way in any hell there was anything good about it)
And to say how I defeated him. Well my OCD's bedrock is guilt, unfounded guilt that would lead me to being placed in some Hell worse then anything and I'd deserve it so to finally end it I did a final ritual. I did anything I could so when my OCD tried to plant bad thoughts and guilt trip me I'd just referred it to that ritual I did then. In reality I finally said to it, bro I don't know what I did to deserve all this but I think whatever it was after all this I payed off the debt and you can piss of! On 21. June 2020 I got rid of it, best days of my life. Doing normal things like watching YouTube looking at everything and thinking about and playing games all felt like I was a God. Long live freedom!
I always thought I had one of the least troublesome OCD's cause my parents made it seem that way. I have no idea how but for a while like now at the end of 2020 after all these things I thought I was just one of those spoiled teens that pretend to have OCD, took a couple of YouTube posts to snap me back into common senses but from what I've seen OCD's usually don't attack you in every way but in just one or a few? I literally don't think there is a way to mentally torture me my OCD hasn't done and I thought I was spoiled! From sexual to restricting me from my passions to banning everything and setting up sick hierarchy's 24/7 to ending my best friendship with a fellow human to halting my growth and all in between. I can not believe I lived with an evil greater then Hitler's and Tojo's for most for my life and didn't even realize it smh (even though I knew it existed I never thought it was that bad) Honestly from all your story's I understand your pain, that it's valid and great and this is maybe a product of the fact mine was made into a joke by other for sometimes but I think that my OCD cause it did everything it could to destroy me cause me touching my fathers dick is not nearly the worst thing it has done to me cause it ripped me of everything, attacked me from all fronts made me drop my existence and my life may be the worst OCD ever.
Last thing that I want to say is I gave him a name, Ravno. In Serbian (I am a Serb, grew up there still am here would recommend to visit it's not as they portray us at all it's the opposite) it means flat and I named him like that cause I thought he was there to make everything balanced, right, with no bad bumps and shit (it's symbolic). I didn't call him like that here cause that would mean I still see him as a Deity or even just as a person, he is pure waste NOTHING ABSOLUTLY NOTHING is good about him, he brought nothing good to anyone into this world ever!!!
​
Goodbye Ravno hope I never see you again, Messiah boss
0/10
Won't miss you
But if you are as good as you say I am sure you will have a lovely afterlife with God you know your UnDerLinG, but what I think instead is you are going straight to max security in Hell, am I wrong?
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OCD
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So hello everyone hope you're all doing as well as you can. A friend told me to check out this sub. Little anxious posting so bear with me and let me know if rules have been broken.
I have what has been described as complex trauma. I guess that is under the PTSD category but there seems to be reluctance to label it officially. I also hear voices which will become relevant.
Recently my most recent abuse event has been most prominent. Usually it is historical abuse and the voices reflect this aspect rather than recent abuse. The voices vary and can be command or derogatory. They have been focusing that the perpetrator of the most recent abuse (still 12 years ago) is going to find and attack again.
The abuse occurred after a period of stalking. Whilst I reported the stalking I didn't report the abuse. This is largely due to the way the police handled the stalking. As in they did nothing. This has severely shaken my faith in the police to keep me safe in anyway.
I am so frightened currently that the perpetrator is following me and I've been encouraged to ring the police if I'm scared. That is the big problem though. I don't trust them. I feel that If I don't report being scared though, professionals will think that I am not as frightened as I am. I have had a couple of interactions with police since, often I am told by them that the voices aren't real. So I'm in a stuck position, I want to feel safe but I don't have trust in the police nor the faith that they will believe me If I were to ask for help, because of my.voice hearing.
Things have cumulated in my professionals passing the name of this person to the mental health liason. To check if there is anything on the system. Whilst I'm glad of this I hope it doesn't mean I'll just be told everything is fine because he hasn't been arrested, as I know this is not the case.
Anyway, rant over. I just wanted to know if anyone had experiences of building trust with the police and how to start. I'm not willing to prosecute but want to feel safer. Thanks in advance
TlDR: Trying to increase trust in police. Any tips ?
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ptsd
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So I went in today to refill my Adderall XR with a new doctor. Of course I had to do the drug screen to make sure I’m not abusing anything else. I took a 10 mg yesterday and today but it did not show up in the drug screen. I haven’t been taking it regularly because I was running low. But I’ve taken it two days in a row. Why would it not show up?
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ADHD
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