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TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Fifty_Shades_Freed | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be discussing Fifty Shades Freed, the final installment of the trilogy following the steamy romance of Anastasia and Christian Grey, and a film that has brought me to the profound realization that I am dead. I am dead, and as a punishment for my sins, ... |
TheOnion | Hostages_Freed_After_Tense_7_Minute_Standup_Set | A harrowing situation on Broad Street came to its conclusion Thursday night as a group of hostages were freed from local comedy club The Laugh-Up Lounge after a tense seven minute stand-up set. Survivors said the situation began at approximately 9.15 p.m. as an unnamed man rushed onto a stage and subjected the hostages... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_russia_annexes_parts_of_ukraine_hurricane_ian_hits_florida_snl | In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the U.s. for Satanism and denounced the many genders in fashion in the West. it was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable. the Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in... |
dropout | is_everyone_using_me_for_my_costco_membership | Oh, Katie, I'm having people over to my house this weekend, and I would love it if you would come. Please, please, please. Yeah, I don't have any plans for the weekend, I'd love to. Great.
Oh, and before you come, let's hit a Costco. I want to get one of those 40-pound hams. 40-pound? Yeah, Costco. Costco, really. 40-... |
dropout | that_couple_who_dances_too_long_in_a_casual_setting | Okay, so 15 score pairs. Yeah. And then, yeah, then we're just going to flip them over all at the same time. Right. Okay.
Oh. Hold up. Is this? Oh, my God. This is a long... Do you guys like this? Oh. Guys, let's get this party started. Woo hoo! Oh, I love this song. You're my guy. Oh. Dance with us. Oh. Oh, no. Let's... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Will_The_Betoota_Advocate_vote_Yes_or_No_to_an_Indigenous_Voice | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, we're going to do things a little bit differently today, you've just got myself, Clancy Overall in here.
We think it is fair time that the Batooter Advocate make ou... |
dropout | we_are_the_1_ | When Occupy Wall Street started, we learned that the richest 1% of the U.S. population controls 43% of the nation's wealth, we were shocked. That means that there's 57% of the wealth that we don't have. That is an outrage. We are taking our message to the root of the problem, Main Street. You know why? Because we are t... |
cracked | a_series_of_the_worst_nicknames_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_2 | Hello welcome, thanks for checking in to the agents of cracked cracked erean collection in HD Stick around and watch the whole episode and then afterwards we'll share anecdotes behind the scenes Things there will be giveaways They will not there will not be a single giveaway There will be one give only one giveaway So ... |
SaturdayNightLive | secretary_snl | Robert, I can't thank you enough for taking my case. Well, here at the law office of Schwartz and Alexander, that's just what we do. Plus, I know your father. Oh, sure wish I did. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Mr. Guchen, if you need anything, this is my secretary, Trudy.
Hiya, boys. Happy Friday. Ye... |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_Statue_Of_Liberty_Arrives_From_France_Moves_Into_Cramped_Tenement_Building | From the day an ancient cave-dweller painted yet another fucking elk hunt on a wall in 15,000 BC, to Garry Marshall's 1974 discovery of 13 weather-beaten North Dakotan coal miners that would go on to become the cast of Happy Days, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On June 17, 1954, the effects of the previo... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_vs_biden_debate_marjorie_taylor_greene_and_jasmine_crockett_trade_insults | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Shain. good evening, Michael Shain. I'm Colin Jost. President Biden and President Trump have agreed to two debates this summer for a preview of the debates, take a bottle of ambien and adderall at the same time. Biden posted a video challenging Trump to the debate, saying... |
cracked | which_apocalypse_would_be_the_most_fun_after_hours | ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. It's simple.
They're just an easily defeated opponent. They're a worse version of normal people. Who you also dominate?
I would be the terror of Zombietown. Doesn't that kind of depend on what kind of zombies you're talking about? There's only one type of zombie. No, I mean, if you're talking about... |
cracked | 12_20_07_news_on_cracked_duke_nukem_forever_groped_santa | It's Thursday, December 20, 2007, and this is the News on Cracks. I'm Lex Friedman, and you're Jim. Well, that probably freaked out a few people, right? Especially if they were named. Local authorities in Uganda have arrested more than 100 people for not having toilets installed in their homes. A police spokesman said ... |
dropout | ask_ch_what_s_the_craziest_thing_you_did_to_save_money_in_college | The craziest thing I ever did to save money in college was an arrangement I made with a friend of mine. I was broke in college, but I still wanted to go out. So a friend of mine said, well, Grant, I'll pay, but there's a catch. You have to eat or drink whatever I order for you. You have to finish it, and if you don't, ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | mall_santa_killer_thinks_he_s_a_genius_the_disturbing_case_of_cristobal_meninguez | We want water, our Sprite, we have Coke, Diet Coke, what do you want? Salt.
This is 31-year-old Cristobal Menendez. He doesn't know it yet, but over the course of a calendar month, authorities have accumulated a bevy of evidence that he attempted to solicit the services of not one, but twelve hired hitmen to assassina... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_democrats_win_senate_in_2022_midterms_rupert_murdoch_turns_on_trump_snl | Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. I don't know if that's really official, but we're not a real news program, so I'm just going to call it. I was actually surprised they won, giving President Biden's low approval ratings. I guess Biden's kind of like the Jurassic World movies. you know, extr... |
cracked | the_time_burt_reynolds_dumped_horse_sh_t_on_the_national_enquirer | Do you know about the time Burt Reynolds dumped horse sh** on the National Enquirer? The tabloid newspaper that, let's just call it like it is, Prince Bullsh**, was running stories on Burt for many years.
And he kind of sat by quietly until finally one Christmas he decided to do something about it.
Burt owned a horse... |
programmersarealsohuman | rare_interview_with_a_perl_programmer | After I introduced Perl to our company, they couldn't get rid of me. Good? I look good.
Are you recording? Are we recording?
Yes. Perl. I remember back in 19, 19, 19. When I was 19, I remember Cobol. I remember Assembly. Yeah, I remember Woodstock. Not that I've been. We didn't have computers back in the olden days.
... |
dropout | hardly_working_pooping_without_your_phone | Okay Murph, I'm gonna go poop. You don't need to tell me. Yes I do. Where's Adam? Oh, he's in the bathroom. Then why's his phone here? Oh my God. He's gonna be so bored.
This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private. 55% cotton, 45% polyester made in China. Itchill and China.
Pull up, then pull down.
M... |
TheOnion | Oscars_Ceremony_Ruined_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_9 | Move over, moonlights. Last night's Academy Awards ruined by what might be the Oscar's worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and the superintendents who stepped in to make it all much worse. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and t... |
SaturdayNightLive | hillary_clinton_address_cold_open_saturday_night_live | And now a message from Secretary of State Designate Hillary Clinton. you thought I was gone, didn't you? I'm Hillary Clinton and I am so excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama's cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true. ... |
TheOnion | Man_With_Strong_Brand_Loyalty_Willing_To_Kill_For_Mazda | After issuing stern threats to critics this morning, Area Man and Mazda consumer Matthew Hunker spoke to our reporters about his willingness to kill for the Japanese car brand. You think I wouldn't slit your goddamn throat in the name of Mazda? You think I'm fucking around? Go ahead, say something bad about the top rat... |
cracked | the_most_terrifying_sexual_harassment_psa_ever | Cracked asked two of its employees to write, film, and edit a sketch on their lunch break.
This is that. So I think it's a lock as long as we can get them on the phone. Oh, no doubt about it. Third quarter. Forget it. Absolutely.
I'll tell you why I went out with the front desk secretary last night.
Guess where I pu... |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_Totalitarian_State_Of_North_Korea | To help you understand this terrifying nuclear-armed nation that you will continue dismissing as an amusing sideshow attraction, we now present The Onion Explains North Korea. Kim Jong-un secured his rise to North Korea's highest office when, at the age of seven, he entered the bedroom of his father, Kim Jong-il, and d... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_get_in_the_cage_with_nicolas_cage_and_nicolas_cage_snl | And now it's time for Get In the Cage, our flagship segment in which film star Nicolas Cage sits down with a fellow actor to discuss the craft and future projects. So please join me in welcoming Nicolas Cage and Nicholas Cage.
Well, good evening, Nick. you're looking very well tonight. Oh, it's very kind of you, Nick.... |
ClickHole | if_gay_people_said_the_stuff_hungry_straight_people_said | Hey, are you hungry? I am super hungry right now. Hey, how about some food? I'd go for some food right about now. It all looks so good. I could eat. Would you guys go in on pizza? How about some food? Everything on here looks delicious. Yo, I am ravenous right now. I am famished. I am so fucking hungry. I gotta have so... |
cracked | 4_movies_that_didn_t_realize_they_ruined_humanity_yboc_spider_man_casper_bill_ted | This video is brought to you by NordVPN. Head over to NordVPN.com slash YBOC for a huge discount on a two year plan plus four additional months free.
And you know, it just really helps the show. Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding and welcome to your Brain Uncracked, the show hosted by a medically specious physic... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tom_brady_regrets_roast_800_pee_stained_jeans_snl | The Westminster Kennel Club dog show has selected a miniature poodle named Sage as the winner of the title best in show. While the loser is once again every human participating in this, Tom Brady revealed that he has regrets about last week's Netflix roast, saying he didn't like the way it affected his kids. But that i... |
TheOnion | Report_Most_College_Males_Admit_To_Regularly_Getting_Stoked | I'm Juliana McAdams filling in for Clifford Banes who is playing Trivial Pursuit for his neighbor Gene. A recent report from the Shuffleworth Institute shows for the first time that more than half of college-aged males say they regularly get stoked. Are young people ignoring the dangers of being stoked? Yes, kids as yo... |
cracked | star_wars_is_mostly_stupid_galactic_war_room_cracked_throwback | The Galactic Authority has gained control of the entire universe, but for a small uprising, desperate to find a cure for the powerful King of Galaxies, who is in a space coma. Now, as our heroes return with vital schematics, the Authority lays siege upon the uprising's secret base.
Pull up to Lobos. At the poles. Fiel... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_beast | Oh no, we've got to get that ball back. You don't understand, it was Ricky's ball. We've got to get it, Rick, it's going to kill me. The beast got it. You did it to Dornell, Gerwich.
I don't remember, kid. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
Seriously, get the fuck out of my office. Sorry. Get out.
Only on... |
dropout | our_weirdest_sex_misconceptions | I just kind of assumed that the period would happen in my chest and armpits, as well as my vagina. My sexual misconceptions are a little counter to I think a lot of people's experience of having extremely conservative parents that were silent about the nature of sexuality. My parents were vocal.
So I was raised by my ... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_the_stakeout_snl | Fellas. What are we up to tonight? You guys coming over playing Tony Hawk? I'm busy. I'm tired tonight. you're busy. you're tired. but maybe tomorrow. Oh, yeah. yeah, cool. cool. no sweat next time. Hey, man, everything. okay with you and your little friends.
I don't know. I'm kind of worried. they're hanging out with... |
SaturdayNightLive | henley_and_stiles_saturday_night_live | In recent weeks, U.s. troops overseas have been entertained by top-notch celebrities like Mariah Carey, Kid Rock, and Jennifer Lopez. this week, they were supposed to enjoy the world-famous comedy duo Henley and Styles, but something went wrong. here to explain is half of Henley and Styles, Mr. Ryan Henley. Thank you, ... |
TheOnion | Congress_Announces_Willingness_To_Give_Black_Lives_Matters_Protestors_Statue_Or_Holiday | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Lots of important news to get to on this Friday that could affect the health and safety of your family.
But before we begin, I'd like to ask you all to rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Stat... |
dropout | always_open_with_chris_pratt | What book would you like to read to me? What book would I read to you? Any book at all.
Oh, uh, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. I like that. Is there a way you could show me what the Peaceful Warrior does? He does gymnastics. Uh-oh, what am I doing? What's happening? What's the Peaceful Warrior do?
I'm choking. I'm ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_s_14_page_response_to_jan_6_subpoena_kanye_west_s_anti_semitic_tweets_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. And update on Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After the January 6th Committee subpoena Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14-page letter. 14 pages. Okay, Unabomber. I don't know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the Fda... |
TheOnion | Report_Finds_Troubling_Rise_In_Teen_Uranium_Enrichment | This is the Onion News Network, controlling what you see and when you see it. It's called toping, short for isotoping, illegally enriching uranium. A new report says one in five teens is doing it, and that has many parents worried. The sleepy town of Woodview, New Jersey was rocked last week when six teens were arreste... |
cracked | i_named_my_baby_lucifer_is_that_alright_quorators_podcast | What up? Hey man, how's it going? It's hi, I'm Alex and this is Jeremy.
We're the hosts of Quaradors. I thought you said play the music and you're the one who has to play it. You physically had to press the button. As a producer, I like to leave myself notes. And it allows me to perform at a level that I find professi... |
TheOnion | Surgeon_General_Smoking_Fine_As_Long_As_You_Only_Do_It_When_You_Drink | And in a surprise announcement this morning, U.S. Deputy Surgeon General Greg Paulson stated that, quote, it's fine to smoke cigarettes if you only smoke while drinking. The deputy surgeon general has called a press conference to discuss the shocking findings which began just moments ago. Let's go live to that now. Was... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Bec_Charlwood | Now today on the podcast we're speaking to a guest who is a popular Australian comedian. She's a presenter. She's recently released her full stand-up comedy special.
Yep. And you can find that live on YouTube called Bipolar Baby. Now we recorded this just before Christmas at the end of the year there, given everyone's... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_art_dealers_their_son_nuni_snl | Well, I hope so. we got to figure out where this leak is coming from. Please. Hi. um, we're your neighbors. We're renting us a unit downstairs for the summer. Oh the basement unit. Yeah. Oh, what a surprise Honey, the basement people are here. come in. come in visitors.
What a treat. I was just bbqing some urchins. ca... |
SaturdayNightLive | donald_trump_stars_in_a_domino_s_ad_snl | Okay, Mr. Trump, uh, Mr. Trump, I just need you to stand on your mark. Okay, we really have to crank this thing out Speedy Gonzales style. because tonight, Melania and I are gonna be photographed semi-nude in a bubble bath for Women's World Magazine. it's great, Mr. Trump.
Now this is gonna be the new tag for the end ... |
SaturdayNightLive | get_to_know_me_saturday_night_live | Hello, I'm John Lovett, and I'm having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world, Paulina.
Well, we can't all be me. But if you'd like to fulfill your dreams like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you. Get To Know Me!
When did I tip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? where is my... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_funky_kong_on_the_super_mario_bros_movie_snl | The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe. Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong. How are you doing Funky Kong?
Man, I've been better. I thought I was gonna be all over this movie that just made 500 milli... |
cracked | love_people_watching_season_2_episode_9 | How long have you been trying to rent this place? Oh, a while. Instead of looking around, I just have this cynical and bitter checklist, if that's cool. Go for it.
Bed bugs? Don't even have a bed.
Good water pressure? Get psyched for a life of suspiciously long showers.
Very nice. On a scale of 9 to 10, how loud are... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_the_internet | Think, Sam! Think, God damn it! There's only one thing we can do. You don't mean? Yes, we have to go see him. See who?
Oh, my toe. Oh god, my toe.
It is. That's broken. We're definitely broken. We're coming in. No, no. Do not come in here.
The internet will smite you. Yes, I will smite you all. I will smite you all.... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Jet_20_years_since_Get_Born_was_released | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show where we interview some iconic Australians, mostly Australians we have on this show, at least once a week. A lot of you have been listening for many years and we've had... |
cracked | the_news_on_cracked_july_14th_edition | Hi guys, I really want to write for the onion. Shh. Don't tell anybody unless it's like the onion editor Tell him this is crack presents Mike really wants to write for the onion copyright crack 2013 Amidst the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy a decade old message in a bottle sent by a dead team was recovered and Returned to... |
dropout | your_girlfriend_s_six_friends | This is you. This is your girlfriend. And these are your girlfriend's six friends. Nobody loves your girlfriend more than you.
Almost. Megan? No. Call her out. She seems to have issues with boundaries. You didn't answer your phone. Except one, that is. Sorry.
Girl's night. Come on, girl.
Your boyfriend gets you all ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_70_john_marsden | Errol and I like to envision ourselves as writers of some sort, more reporters I suppose. I guess, how would you say, in Australian literature there are a couple household names. There are, and they're all in the foyer of the Pan Macmillan publishing offers there, down there in Sydney. You'd very find a name like today... |
cracked | why_hipster_bands_shouldn_t_be_allowed_to_use_youtube_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to another swiftly tailored episode of does not compute the only web series that started as a warehouse shoe Franchise, then we got confused. I'm your host this moderately priced saddleback and with me as always is my co-host Shaky handy cam clips of Tosh point. Oh Speaking of formats I invent... |
cracked | the_epic_scam_that_created_an_iconic_rock_band_cracked_responds_the_zombies_english_rock | 1964 okay, there's a band called the zombies in England. They have a modest hit with she's not there. You've heard of it Yeah, a couple years go by to make another album not a huge hit their Label in Elastich effort sends the single from their album to America The song is time of the season and blew up. You know the so... |
dropout | the_new_emojis_have_a_meeting | Hello, my fellow emojis. Glad you could all make it to this recently used press conference. We have some pizza and bread and ramen and beer, if anyone wants any. As you know, we've made some changes recently, and I just wanted to announce that it's been a resounding success.
I want to thank everyone for their patience... |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_nft_cold_open_snl | And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what the season is all about. Trump, hopefully your favorite President of all time, Better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly, better than Ezra. you may have seen. This week I made a majo... |
cracked | how_society_can_t_help_treating_sexual_assault_victims_poorly_bill_cosby_roger_ailes | Hi, internet. Cracked writer, performer, frustrated human, Katie Stoll here.
So there has been a lot of attention focused on famous men accused of sexual assault lately, the most recent example being Bill Cosby. Now, you're all very smart and diligent purveyors of the news, so I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.... |
TheOnion | McCains_Economic_Plan_Everyone_Marry_A_Beer_Heiress | Speaking to business leaders in Detroit today, John McCain announced details of his new economic recovery plan under which every American would marry a wealthy beer heiress. McCain said he is confident the plan would benefit ordinary Americans based on his personal experience of marrying the daughter of millionaire Anh... |
SaturdayNightLive | i_m_just_pete_snl | So, like, what is Pete even gonna do? bro, I have no idea. he only has, like, one character. Yeah, why is he hosting again? he just left, and it's not like his show was a hit.
I know, right? like, how you get Joe Pesci and Edie Felco and no viewers?
Pete.
Oh, no one cares about the work I do. I made a show with Joe ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Goes_MIA_Palaszczuk_Cracks_The_Shits_The_Katter_s_To_The_Rescue_More_July_2 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate board and most of the country is in lockdown. A couple of the towns in Queensland got let out, Friday Eve, Darwin's out, but Brisbane and Sydney, they remain in lockdown. There's a lot going on... |
dropout | full_benefits_inside_jokes | I don't know, like, a broken didgeridoo? No, it was a kazoo on a ceiling fan. Of course. That was my next guess.
Really? No! This is awesome. See? I told you, like, baloney.
Yeah, it's like a flat hot dog. It's exactly like a flat hot dog.
I know. I'm talking about you and me. We're friends again. Yay! We did it!
E... |
dropout | hardly_working_jeff_s_parents | Uh, oh, the Tooth Fairy comes out on DVD this week. Oh, dude, you can't get, you gotta wait for the collector's edition. Absolutely. Hey guys, keep it down!
My parents are on the phone? What is the deal with Jeff's parents? He's embarrassed to tell me where he's a college teacher, so his parents still think he's a law... |
SaturdayNightLive | album_recording_session_snl | What's up, y'all? my name is Young Spicy, and I'm a producer. I'm about to release my first album, Jalapeno Jones. Yeah, thanks for helping us out today. how you doing? hey, what's good, Spicy? Hey, so, basically, we just looking for a new producer tag for My Beat, So something kind of sexy and cool.
Yeah, so, for exa... |
dropout | adam_and_eve_in_the_friend_zone | Living in Paradise was just so stressful today. But you always know just what to do. I know we were just creative, but I feel like we've known each other forever. You know, like all seven days. I know, I'm just so comfortable around you.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you just said bye. Oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, t... |
TheOnion | The_Last_Will_And_Testament_Of_Topical_Host_Leslie_Price_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_48 | Hello, topical listeners. I'm Leslie Price, and I have some sad breaking news for you today. If you're listening to this right now, it means that I am dead, and that my house cleaner Francis, who comes in once a month, has no doubt discovered my decaying corpse. I know this is unsettling for a lot of you, and you might... |
TheOnion | SPONSORED_Barbed_Wire_Industry_Protests_Negative_Portrayal_In_Evil_Within_Video_Game | Coming up, Michelle Obama promotes healthy living by eating an entire tree.
But first, a new video game is being criticized for its harsh portrayal of barbed wire. Here's GameBite's Caitlin Torres with more. Bethesda's The Evil Within is a nightmarish adventure that shows bloody and rusty barbed wire being used to hur... |
cracked | stranger_things_stole_its_plot_from_wacko_conspiracy_theories_canonball | It's a karate kid. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. And that's no coincidence.
According to the Stranger Things Show Bible, creators Matt and Ross Duffer have always seen their show as, quote, a love letter to Steven Spielberg and Stephen King in the same subtle way that Annie Wilkes writes a love letter to Paul Sheldon's ... |
dropout | midnight_talk_show_prank | Hello, I'm Josh from College Humor. I'm outside Dan Grewitch's apartment right now. Three weeks ago, Dan agreed to let us break into his apartment and force him to do a late, late talk show with a full band, special guests and all. I imagine he's forgotten by now. We have his keys thanks to his roommate, so let's go.
... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Beauty_And_The_Beast | True as it can be, both a little scared, neither one prepared, Beauty and the Beast. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at Disney's Beauty and the Beast, an enchanting animated feature that served as a milestone in the homosexual community for i... |
SaturdayNightLive | nickelodeon_show_snl | Welcome to Behind the Slime, but look back at the history of Nickelodeon's iconic green Goo. I'm Nick Cannon, former star of all that. And I'm Mark Summers, former host of Double Dare, Super Sloppy Double Dare, and the ill-fated, dirty, nasty, hardcore Double Dare. America was introduced to new Nickelodeon's famous Sli... |
dropout | Oh_No_This_Restaurant_Is_Too_Fancy | Hi. Hey. How you doing? Good.
Have you been to this place before? No, but it's close to my office. The menu looks good online. Good evening. Welcome to Inverde Bay. Do you have a reservation?
No. Hmm. Okay. I'm not sure we have room for walk-ins, but let me check. It's only 5.30. I know. Oh no. Are we at a way too fa... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_velma_comes_out_as_a_lesbian_artist_sells_urine_for_500_snl | Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle-aged women to lose weight. Also, worried about women losing too much weight?
Black guys. the Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record's 62nd home run of the season. while over in Queens, P... |
dropout | john_stamos_guide_to_cuddling | Hi, I'm John Stamos, one of the most handsome men you could think of up the top of your head. Being a nodal authorial, people often ask me for sex advice, but guys, if you truly want to win over a woman, the real key is the cuddle. So as my gift to you, here are the techniques of my patented Stamos snuggle fest. You an... |
SaturdayNightLive | charlie_rose_steve_jobs_saturday_night_live | From our studios in New York City, this is Charlie Rose. Hello, I'm Charlie Rose.
And for those of you curious about our theme music, it's this funky pop jazz number called Sedona Samba. Tonight, a tribute to the late Steve Jobs. the legendary founder of Apple died last week at the age of 56. we'll hear from his admir... |
dropout | your_crossfit_friends_hardly_working | So I says to her I say okay before you go farther. Why are you talking like this? Yeah, we just got back from the box hard one hard bod. I just did 6,000 burpees, and I feel great Dude that is not okay That's fine, I don't care Saying things are never gonna make this I Don't yeah, well, I don't care that you don't care... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_treasure_is_our_friendship | Oh my god, I found it! Oh my god.
According to the map, the Freemasons left the treasure in this room when the building was constructed. You guys, it's been a long journey, but it is about to pay off.
No. No!
Where's all the gold? The jewels, the rupees. I want rupees!
I think I get it. What if the treasure was the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_05_9_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Today is September the 5th and you are joined by myself, Clancy Overell, the unsinkable editor of large Errol Parker, how are you Errol? Mahalo Brownbeard, I'm doing good this week mate. And of course, the Samantha Armitage of the Diamantina Shire, without all the family genocide, Wendell Hussey. How are you mate, our ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Is_Back_Things_Are_Heating_Up_COVID_Karma_More_July_22 | One day, one day maybe. One day you'll get a start, one day you'll get a salary even. Yeah, that would be nice actually.
How's things going? Doing it tough, I'm fucking sick of mum and dad, I need to move out. Sorry mate, this is the game. Two little kids, two little kids and a fiance, it's hard work. Well mate, you'l... |
dropout | disarming_conversational_land_mines | Thanks again for inviting me to Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah, of course. Nobody should be alone on Thanksgiving. I'll introduce you to everybody. This is Uncle Dante, his wife, Aunt Tiffany, grandma, and granddad. Great meeting all of you guys. You have a lovely home.
Rafs told me, what are you doing? There's gonna be a lot... |
cracked | why_airbnb_is_terrible_cracked_explains | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt, and once Airbnb ruins your city, your apartment might become a Triple X freak fest. In case you don't know what Airbnb is, it's a website where people can list their spare rooms or homes or apartments for short-term rental by other people along the lines of booking a hotel room. And in 2014, Ari T... |
CrackerMilk | if_harry_potter_was_australian | Have a look at this, Gary! Have a look at this! What is it, Jono? Have a look at this!
You ready? Yeah, yeah! Good on you, Jono. What? You should have got a spec save, isn't you dear? Does that what the bloody glasses are for, Gary? Alright?
I've got some news for you, mate. I've got some bloody news for you. So big ... |
dropout | very_mary_kate_evaluations | Go.
Mary Kate, class is over. Don't rush me. I'm finishing up your teacher evaluation for...
Hey! Those are supposed to be anonymous! Please, who else dots their eyes with glue and glitter?
Does the instructor allow room for questions? The instructor allows room for nothing because he takes up all the room because h... |
dropout | donatello_gets_screwed | We don't hang out enough, man. We need to hang out more.
Okay, Master Splinter. Let go, please. You smell extra berries. Raphael, you're very cool. But you can also be crude, like time-utificated, on Rocksteady's face. That would be a good example of a crudeness on your part. That dude was asking for it.
Oh, I know. ... |
cracked | 10_terrifying_implications_of_the_matrix_universe_after_hours | So doctors say it's nothing, but I still feel this shooting pain in my Blood when I wake up starting from then and then continuing every day or the Matrix trilogy Really that's all it takes Dan. We've got a choice We could either take a red pill and embrace the gritty reality of what is certainly a brain tumor in your ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | 3000_years_in_the_future_the_history_channel_finds_your_room_ | Lost relics of the ancient world 3,000 years ago. Using a state-of-the-art rover, archaeologists from Habover University have breached the silence of a long-sealed chamber in the ruins of a site researchers have aptly named Go Bucky Tumbo.
Keep going.
Wait. Wait, what's that? What mysteries of the old world lie burie... |
dropout | every_7_seconds_mannequin | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible, right?
Come on out and show me. I'm sure you look great. What do you think? Well, I mean, I think you look, uh, I'm sorry, you, you look great. You hesitated. I knew it. I look gross. If you look gross, I would... Hello.
Are you staring... |
cracked | 5_cool_action_hero_moves_that_look_idiotic_in_real_life_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and people watching this a hundred years in the future welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien, and you've probably heard that real life isn't like the movies Thanks to careful framing and apple boxes actors appear six inches taller on screen than they are in reality guns ... |
dropout | life_s_a_beach_hardly_working | The gang was at work, everything was normal. The dad's grandma's sister died of scarlet fever and left-hander beach house. And that's how this happened, don't question the logic, hardly working, the beach!
Heart Uno! Hey, why are we all at the beach? Sounds like somebody didn't listen to the theme song. Stop mocking m... |
dropout | how_to_unlock_the_sex_scene_in_pokemon_x_y | Hey guys, it's Gundam Goku, today I'm going to be showing you a cool trick I learned about breeding Pokemon in Pokemon X and Y. First up, I'm just going to leave my female Snorlax with Ditto at the daycare. Ditto, of course, can mate with almost any Pokemon, you know, so that's a cool thing about Dittos. Now, here's th... |
SaturdayNightLive | rahm_emanuel_address_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Next on C-span, yesterday, at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff. Good morning. Today my administration says goodbye to a friend, a fighter, a warrior. a man you want in your corner when the going gets rough. a man who won't take no for an answer. a man who has twiste... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_99_Raph_Dixon | And the show this week, which certainly is a big one, is presented to you by Stan's brand new season of Better Call Saul. That's right. Saul, the dodgy lawyer who was the star of the Breaking Bad prequel, certainly would have excelled if he was around during the Sir Joe era, wouldn't he, Clarence? Yes, I think he would... |
dropout | the_guy_who_overhypes_everything | Hey there! I'm Lindgman from IT. I heard you were having some computer problem. Hi Lindgman. Yeah, I was just looking up lunch spots and my whole computer froze. If you're looking for food, that new diner's supposed to be okay. Okay!
Guys, their meatloaf is insane! It's the best thing anyone's ever tasted! The best th... |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_thanks_america_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from the President of the United States. America, I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me.
I know half of you didn't vote, but of the half that did, almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said yes to B... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_wine_tasting | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. Because you're not Tom Hanks from BIC. Today we're going to be talking wine. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Hey, Gabris. What's up, Lex?
I love wine. ... |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_baltimore_the_wire_locations_part_one | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims. A huge part of The Wire's gritty urgency came from its street-level portrayal of Baltimore, Maryland,... |
TheOnion | Man_Who_Has_Something_Wrong_With_Him_On_A_Fundamental_Level_Leaves_That_Part_Off_OKCupid_Profile | Shortly after creating a profile on OKCupid.com, local man Malcolm Lighty, a person with severe psychological and emotional issues, told reporters he thought it was best to just never mention the fact there is something seriously wrong with him on the popular dating website. The thing about online dating is you don't w... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_adam_sandler_the_hanukkah_song_iii_snl | Ladies And gentlemen, the Draydell's! Nice To be here, everybody. Hanukkah is the festival of Lights. One Day of presents, Hell no, we get the eight crazy nights! But If you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, I Guess my first two songs didn't do it for ya. So Here comes number three! Ross an... |
dropout | deleted_scenes_moviepass_ceo | Let's do it. This is great. Um, did you guys, you guys are all right? Everyone's got, hey, everyone's got their scripts. Everyone knows what's going on. Good. Good, good, good. Hi, America.
My name is Jonathan Flor. I'm the CEO of MoviePass, the company that has revolutionized the way that we have brought theater goer... |
TheOnion | Obama_Caught_Lip_Syncing_Speech | The White House is scrambling to do damage control after the president was caught lip syncing a speech at the University of Michigan yesterday. Let's look at the footage. Providing quality, affordable health insurance in this country. Our health care system that's sucking up all the money. We have top- It was too bad b... |
SaturdayNightLive | brian_fellow_s_safari_planet_snl | He loves animals and they love him back. Interspecies, friends, we ain't kiddin'' Mac.
Brian Fellow, Safari Planet. Brian Fellow spent four years in Thailand as a volunteer for and later Director of the Southeast Asian Animal Rescue Project. he subsequently served as Director of Animal Operations at the San Diego Zoo ... |
dropout | disagreeing_doesn_t_make_you_smart | So, I just made partner at my law firm.
Will I make it big? Will I find love? Will I succeed in the big city? I guess we'll just have to find out.
Well, that's not exactly right. This is a mid-size city. Oh, yeah. Sure. So what do you do? Well, it's not exactly doing. I write for a film and entertainment periodical. ... |
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