section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
cracked | why_everybody_wins_if_batman_superman_are_public_domain | Batman and Superman belong to all of us. Culturally, anyway, legally, they belong to this copyright holder, who lent them to this movie studio, who entrusted these three jokers with all Batman, Superman, and Justice League storytelling, even though their stories make us miss the other Ben Affleck superhero movie. And t... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_iron_chef | Welcome to the brand new Bleep Loop World Headquarters. I'm Jeff Rubin here with comedian Jamie Lee and from College Humor Pat Cassels and Brian Murphy. Today we are playing Iron Chef America Supreme Cuisine. I thought since none of us are chefs, you know, we might need a little help.
So I got these plastic accessorie... |
dropout | collegehumor_live_tour_2013 | Hey everybody, Jake and Amir here with Street. Holy shit, kill it! College Humor is going on a live tour That's right to eight mystery cities. No, man, not mystery cities. We know where they are.
Now Amir's right, it's one word. Chantour. No, it's one word. I'm saying CH on tour. Oh Chantour! The tour starts November ... |
CrackerMilk | saying_goodbye_to_elias | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of The Crackin' Milk Podcast. That's very good. And today, look, we've had a few budget cuts because of the new place. So, unfortunately, I can only take in one of you. Do you understand? I'll be hosting interviews today to figure out who I'll be taking in. Quick quest... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_208_Rebekha_Sharkie_Centre_Alliance | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates new Decode series, where we ... |
TheOnion | Patriotic_Teen_Fails_Spanish | This is the Onion News Network better news better viewers As soon as Kyle Johnson heard about his school's policy of requiring students to take a foreign language to graduate He knew it was un-american, you know, I just basically thought Spanish sucked. What's the point? I'm American. I speak American Rather than go al... |
SaturdayNightLive | festive_thanksgiving_snl | Prithee, Master Parker, Such an abundance of berries, rabbit, and fowl. Twas no trouble, Master Alexander. the woods were rife with bounty. what's keeping the Wampanoag tribe? the turkey is getting cold deep within. they come from the non with Master John. I see them approach through a young thicket.
Hi ho, everybody.... |
dropout | weak_sauce | We keep the color, then take out the flavor. Then we drizzle it all over your chicken or steak. The texture is gross, and it doesn't compliment the meat at all. It doesn't totally ruin our meal, but it certainly doesn't help. It's like they dump this steak in my grandma's bath water. Is that mayo, corn syrup, and dust?... |
TheOnion | How_Much_Credit_Does_The_Sitting_President_Deserve_For_The_Tides | U.S. presidents often take credit for solving complex issues with many moving parts, whether they deserve that credit or not. But how much impact can a sitting president really have on the tides? We all know that presidents like to take credit for the undulations of the briny deep when it suits them, that is and we Ame... |
dropout | hybrid_animals_the_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan and today As suggested by our good friend whoop whoop whoop whoop. We are drawing some hybrid animals. Whoop whoop is my best friend That's what everyone says Hey, is that guy coming down the street? ... |
cracked | 4_strange_ways_hollywood_thinks_about_boobs_and_wieners_yboc_star_wars_star_trek | This video is brought to you by Audible. Go to audible.com slash YVOC or text YVOC to 500-500 to get a free trial. Plus, it just really helps the show.
Hey there, nerds, and welcome to another installment of Your Brain on Cracked. I am your host, Dr. Jordan Breeding, with Dr. of course being spelled D-O-C-T-E-R, which... |
ClickHole | calling_all_parents_protect_your_child_from_pedophiles_by_reading_new_ebook | Today, we're talking about a very important e-book that will teach you everything you need to know about the scourge of pedophilia that's consuming this nation. It's called Pedophile Poundhouse, Supreme Boy House Eternal, Lick Boys in the House, The Novel. This book is extremely important to own, especially if, like me... |
dropout | plum_and_mama_bloopers | So, oh my god, are you okay? Shit. Plum Miller and her mother, Blueberry Mama Miller, became overnight sensations with their hit reality show, Precious Plum. Baby, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. We've lived in a car, and after that, we ain't had no license plate for a while. There you are now, I'm g... |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_bedroom_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Right, Well, listen, Ron, the way I see it. I'm gonna set the G7 straight. I'm gonna fix the world economy, get peace in the Middle East, and then I'm gonna bomb the hell out of Serbia. I am whooping some serious what? Yeah, I just bit my lip and did the thumb thing. How do I? Oh, no, no. Everything else is great. Real... |
dropout | this_suicide_bomber_has_killer_abs | You know that's not a bread bowl, right? Huh? Listen up, shit! You've been walking all over me for six and a half years.
Ow. Because guess what? fuckers! It's time to die! Yeah! Holy crap!
That's right. The day of reckoning has come. No, no. Your abs. They are exquisite. Wow. Thank you. You work out, right? P90X. You... |
dropout | derrick_s_do_you_like_hip_hop | Sir, do you like hip-hop? Ma'am, ma'am, do you like it? Sir, do you like hip-hop? Yeah, yeah, I like hip-hop. You like hip-hop?
Yeah, sure. Really? Really. Really? Really.
You really like hip-hop. Yeah, I really like hip-hop.
Yes. Come with me. Oh my God, that's Jay-Z's body. Exactly. And I'm gonna let you cop that ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_262_BAD_DREEMS | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate, and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. And today's guests actually come from Petuta's clos... |
TheOnion | New_Bullet_Approved_For_Use_On_Humans | It's finally safe to shoot a person! After six months of testing on mice and fruit flies, the FDA has approved a new bullet for use on humans. FDA researchers have declared the bullet highly effective, and soon you'll be able to buy them over-the-counter across the country. For now, the bullet is approved for adults ag... |
cracked | we_ruined_santa_with_math | The Santa Claus is the heartwarming family tale of Tim Allen murdering Santa Claus in front of his child, putting on the dead man's clothes, driving off with his ride, and then finally stealing the deceased identity. This is all considered totally fine and even encouraged from a legal standpoint because that's just how... |
SaturdayNightLive | blue_river_snl | Sorry. Jenny. oh, Rebecca. Hi.
Looks like we're both buying dog food today. well, not really. I'm buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name brand dog food you're buying?
They seem fine to me. real... |
TheOnion | Winter_Storm_Rocky_Expected_To_Hit_Kevin_Hodges_Of_Joliet_IL_Hardest_After_The_Year_He_s_Had | The dangerous winter storm rocky is expected to pummel the Midwest throughout the day with meteorologists predicting the blizzard will hit Kevin Hodges of Joliet, Illinois the hardest given the way his year's been going. Yeah, we're stocking up on everything. I think school's going to be canceled for at least a couple ... |
dropout | god_s_diary_is_embarrassing | Hey, is that my diary? Don't read that. Give me my diary. Read it.
God says here that men shouldn't be around women who are on their periods. Here God says that you shouldn't mix fibers. I don't know. I wasn't even an eternity old when I wrote that. If a man lieth with another man, that is an abomination. Hey, you big... |
cracked | 6_cartoon_things_we_wish_we_had_in_real_life | Cartoons are great, I mean, I still love them, I'm not talking about animation, I'm talking specifically cartoons. Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Anna Miniacs, Garfield, Archie, even Dagweg, because remember reading the bunnies? It was great. But you know what wasn't great? Imitating cartoons. As a kid, and sometimes an adu... |
dropout | Very_Important_People_Trailer_New_Dropout_Series | In a world of constant chatter, there's one voice you can rely on good evening. I'm Vic Michaelis here with another edition of very important people Join me every week when we give a new comedian a complete makeover makeup prosthetics costumes the whole nine yards I think it's safe to say I'm a vampire. They'll have no... |
cracked | what_the_media_won_t_tell_you_about_the_manti_te_o_hoax | So you remember how every kids show in the 90s promised that telling a single lie would destroy our lives in some contrived and hugely exaggerated way? Well, you guys, they were not bullsh**.
More now on the apparent hoax involving a top college football player, his online girlfriend who he now says turned out to be f... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_worst_of_soul_train_dvd_box_set_snl | The following is a paid advertisement for Time Live's Dvd collection. It was the must-see and most important urban music show ever. it was the hippest trip in America. it was the. Soul Train! Hello. welcome back to our celebration of Soul Train. I'm Smokey Robinson's white half-brother, Coffee Robinson. For those of yo... |
TheOnion | Climate_Change_Researcher_Describes_Challenge_Of_Pulling_Off_Worldwide_Global_Warming_Conspiracy | People don't realize how much work goes into convincing the public that climate change is real. Studies, conferences, documentaries, it's all a tireless effort by the global scientific community to pull the wool over the eyes of the general public. Getting every single scientist in the entire world to propagate the lie... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_16_scottie_marsh | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value, with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and Sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listen... |
cracked | weak_body_captain_america_was_almost_succession_actor_jeremy_strong | You remember in the first Captain America movie where they superimpose his head onto a tiny weakling body? Well, they almost cast someone who would become a big star to play that role of weakling body. And that person was, Succession's, Jeremy Strong. The actor said he was offered the role for the Secret Marvel project... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Lech_Blaine | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Batooda. Budgie Smuggler studios in the old city district. You're joined today by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooda Advocat... |
SaturdayNightLive | matthew_mcconaughey_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Mcconaughey! this is a good time tonight.
Don't be watching This show. back in 1985, when I was growing up in Texas, I was about 16 years old, and I happened to have hair down to about right here. I was a typical adolescent, a kid going through a bunch of changes. we know about those chan... |
cracked | cracked_s_best_video_ever_remix_new_guy_weekly | Hey, you know what this is this week I was in my first first real cracked video and my buddy Nick says it's such a hit people want behind the scenes audio commentary Well behind the scenes. I've been taking some time off to celebrate breaking the internet by partying hard But I can't neglect this Dumb thing so here we ... |
dropout | megan_gailey_on_vontae_davis | Welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame, where every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorites deserve to be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Megan Gailey. Hello.
I feel so at home here. There is a doll with a Reggie Miller jersey on. Oh, are you an Indiana person? I'm from Indianapolis... |
dropout | We_Don_t_Need_Directions_from_Dad_Anymore | Want to see me? Yes. Shut the door, have a seat.
Look, there's no easy way to say this. We will no longer need you, or any dads, for navigation or directions. Okay, that's crazy. Dads are the best source for driving directions. You can't have a navigation app without dads? Yeah. Well, to be frank, we've kind of been i... |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_hello_my_name_is_yeardsly_tinsley | Hi and welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview.
There he is. Come on in. Hey. You're at Hannah's hand... |
ClickHole | watch_a_woman_tell_her_husband_she_s_pregnant_while_conan_o_brien_pours_good_milk_down_the_sink | So I just found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for a while and I can't wait to tell him when he gets home. I'm so excited. Honey, I have something big to tell you. Is everything okay? Yeah, that's great. I'm pregnant.
What? Yeah. Really?
Yes, yes, I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. I know. I'm gon... |
SaturdayNightLive | good_morning_bronx_snl | Life in a park. Just a station.
I ain't Clyde See Dog. I told you to call me See Dog.
I got a represent up in here. What's so our top story when it looks like Derek Jito will be staying in the Bronx as he assigned 180 million dollar contract for 10 years. All of us here at Good Morning Bronx say we're glad you're sta... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_wizard_of_oz | You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. You'll find he is a Wizard of Oz, if ever a Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Oz. This classic about knowing the names of several witches has delighted children and adults for generations. But there's even more magic behind the scenes. Here are some facts that will ch... |
SaturdayNightLive | miles_teller_hosts_the_season_premiere_of_snl_with_kendrick_lamar_snl | Hi, I'm Miles Teller, and I'm hosting the season premiere of Snl this week with Kendrick Lamore. Oh, so you're named after an odometer. What? you know, cars have odometers that tell you how many miles you've gone, So an odometer is a Miles Teller. Oh, yeah, I don't think I was named for- like a scale is a weight teller... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Home_Alone | Are you here all by yourself? Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I'd be here alone?
I don't think so. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at Home Alone, the hit holiday comedy starring Macaulay Culkin as young Kevin McCallister who, a... |
cracked | the_9_creepiest_things_movies_portray_as_romantic_after_hours | Show her boner. No, boners. A bouquet of boners. A veritable cornucachia.
Shut up. I know what I'm doing. Yes, your instincts. Go with those. That'll be funnier. You're attractive. Huh. Oh no. I'm sorry. Alrighty. For that. To be clear.
Any refills here?
Hello. What I mean to say is you're very attractive. You are. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jose_suarez_on_his_goal_to_be_the_first_latino_american_president_snl | Exit polls from this year's midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez. Welcome Jose. So do you think of yourself as a republican or a democrat?
I'm just happy to be here, Colin. everybody complainin... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_52_phil_kearns | Sitting out here in the Diamantina, it's dried out a little bit since the river went up over the last couple of weeks and everyone up north are putting back in their fence posts. But we have a special guest today, he's doing a tour, he just did a corporate lunch down at the Batooter Leagues last night, he's been kind e... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Local_Woman_Now_An_Expert_Another_Local_Woman_Actually_Enjoys_Watching_Sports_N_ | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Petuta Advocate bulletin my name is Clancy Overall I'm joined by Effie Bateman and Errol Parker because of course the young fella Wendell Hussey is travelling the world He is he's currently on his way to Tamale w... |
SaturdayNightLive | podcast_set_snl | All right, all right. it's not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil. I'm gonna miss you guys. truly sucks you're getting fired just because people can't take jokes anymore. I guess I should have just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion. it's just not fair. So now we can't even use the N-wo... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_office_romance | Jake quick. Oh Jesus total a-hole in real life. Anyhoo.
You're a bit of a Lothario No, I don't know what that means a man of sensual pleasures a man who knows what women want Oh, I'm I guess not more than anybody else perfect I know I seem like I'm above all this, but I've got a bit of a romantic pickle I've also got ... |
dropout | escape_pod_confessions | Thrusters are dead, doomed to float around in this shitty escape pod for all eternity. That's not true, man. We got like 30 minutes of air left, so we're gonna die. Larry, before we die, there's something I have to confess.
I'm adopted? What? I don't know. That doesn't make any sense.
No, remember when the insurgents... |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_2 | This is just the beginning. Death is coming for us. None of us, none of us, are safe. He's coming.
Ah! Hey guys, I'm back from the store. I got life jackets for everyone. Awesome, fuck you, Death. Good work, Kev.
Anything trying to kill you out there? Well, Big Bird tried to fly in my mouth and choke me, but I got st... |
CrackerMilk | we_travel_the_seven_seas | I'm Tom and that's Connor and that's Elias. Hey, I'm unwell and here I am. Hey, maybe we could take you somewhere nice to get your mind off being unwell Connor.
The ocean? Yeah. We could go to the beach.
Let's go to the seven seas. The seven seas? Do you know who else is on the seven seas? Pirates? Sailors. Pirates a... |
cracked | it_s_the_lil_tmz_playset | Look, Jesse James is dressed up like Hitler, again? Hey kids, do you love TMZ.com? Yeah! Do you love invading people's privacy and catching them at their lowest of lows? Then you need the little TMZ playset! The little TMZ playset comes with everything you need to catch your friends and family in the gutter!
Hey daddy... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Farewell_Gift_A_Defensive_Local_Bloke_A_Name_Change_More_November_25 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bullet and you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and joining me two of the great thinkers and some of the more I guess should say cemented legacies in Australian media to men who I work al... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bob_katter_on_the_man_or_the_myth_ | So, how's things going? It's a bit wet in the eyes, huh? Four weeks campaign. Campaigns for me are big, giant, elongated pub crawl. But, look, you're bound to be thinking for eight or nine weeks. I've got to revise my approach to this. I may not make it. I'll be an alcoholic by the time it's over.
Now, we're wondering... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_lily_and_eddie_saturday_night_live | Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Eddie, can I, uh, can I talk with you? Yeah, I was just listening to my walkman, Lilly. Oh, that's nice. that's the problem. uh, excuse me, uh, guys, I'm in. I-i'm. excuse ... |
dropout | guys_with_crappy_cars_must_have_huge_dongs | Ugh, who's this loser trying to impress? With a car that flashy, you know he's making up for shortcomings in other departments. Oh my god, girls, check it out. Is it Christmas already? Wow, this car is hideous. You know what that means, ladies. Definitely undercompensating. That car is so unimpressive, he must be packi... |
Fitzthistlewits | civilisation_5_review | Hi guys, sorry for the lack of content this past month. I don't want to bog you down with the details, but long story short the charges were dropped, so let's get back on schedule, shall we?
Civilization 5. Well, first off they spelt civilisation wrong, so immediately I'm disappointed. They did the same thing with Dis... |
cracked | stupid_movies_that_are_secretly_genius_yboc_300_twilight_indiana_jones | Hola nerds, your results are in! Me nombre es Dr. Jordan Breeding, but my Spanish teacher called me Julio, which Senior Lin told me meant powerful, but he was obviously just picking random words as our Spanish names because Julio literally just means July. Although that is a very powerful month, but... Anyway, you're w... |
dropout | Emily_Axford_s_Most_Chaotic_Dimension_20_Moment_Ever | You head out of the van. Was there any business that people wanted to do before? You knew we needed to go to the police station, right? I just wanted to leave a note. Cool. I'm gonna roll a luck check in front of the board. You guys want a high number. It's an 11. Cool. School, you walk into the police station? I think... |
dropout | everything_that_will_kill_you_from_a_to_z | In life, you have choices, they help you and not, and sometimes it's tricky to choose what you ought, so if you are wondering what makes you ill, it's easy to know because everything will. A is for alcohol, source of addiction, liver diseases, and other afflictions. So how about water? That might be okay, but if it's i... |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_never_seen_game_of_thrones | Thank you so much for having your co-workers over for a viewing party of Game of Thrones Emily. You're welcome, Tedward. Remember, no talking during the episode because the show is kind of confusing, so... Sorry, real quick.
Who is that? That's the Hound. He's never been on the show. Yes, he has. He's Sander Clegane. ... |
dropout | trump_cannot_be_destroyed | Ugh, gross. Did you see what Trump did today? Ha, nice one Katie. Nice what? Nice joke. Trump died last week.
What? No, he didn't. See, here's a video from this afternoon. What?
No.
No, I saw the headline. I saw it. Look, see?
Not only did he die, he was destroyed. Destroyed, Katie.
How is this possible? How is th... |
dropout | philosophical_bouncer | Oh, look at you guys. Looking good. Have a good night, ladies. Hey. ID? Oh, yeah, sure. Busy night. Yup.
What's your birthday? December 26, 1984. What'd you sign? Capricorn. Address? 211 East 14th Street. Department number? 11A?
What kind of shirt you wearing in this picture? It's... Plaid shirt? Plaid? What kind of ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | youth_pastors_try_sin_g_is_for_jesus_3_teen_edition | Like his hands, I too shall be pierced. Take a good hard look, kids. This is what it feels like to be touched by the Lord. Hey, cool kids. Reverend Ruby and I will be filling in for tonight's youth service since Pastor Robbie unfortunately passed away this weekend. Yes, the Lord took his soul from this earth, much like... |
dropout | Networking_Doesn_t_Work_for_EVERY_Job | I wanted to be a pilot since I was a little kid, so... I just decided last week. My name is Captain Willerson. Not dude, not bro, not teach, but Captain Willerson. And I am here to teach you all how to be pilots. Now, who here read the manual?
Wonderful. Forget about it.
Because being a successful pilot is not about ... |
dropout | irl_files_scare_tactics | It was 1am on Thursday night. I was trying to sleep when I got a text from my friend Charlie. Wanna break into dams, my cousin, and scare him? We've spent years scaring dams. He's this puny kid who's very excitable and his reactions are always priceless. Even though I had to be up early the next morning, I immediately ... |
dropout | new_emojis_drawfee_show | Welcome to Drawfee Show, where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. That's right. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Today, we are drawing new emojis.
There aren't enough. There never are enough. My hunger is insatiable.
So suggested by Dustin Thurston. Dustin, oh man. The Dusty Thurstman himself? The ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_184_HG_Nelson | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show recording as always down here live in the old city district, downtown Petuta. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker editor at large how are yo... |
dropout | this_stripper_is_so_sexy_it_s_illegal_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter. All right, guys, come on and wake up. We still got a lot of content to poop out of our fun holes.
Sam, can't you see we're tie-tie? Yeah, we're super tie-tie.
I know. And that's why I got a little surprise to get your blood pumping. Oh. Sam, you didn't. I did. I got a stripper. What? Oh, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_rock_n_roll_jeopardy_snl | Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy! Rock and Roll Edition Where some of today's biggest music stars compete for their favorite charities. let's meet the contestants.
Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the Show. I am glad to be here.
Fantastic. next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork. sometimes when I look at... |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_news_saturday_night_live | And now, Saturday Night News with anchorperson, Fernando. thank you, my friends. Salud. So good to see you all because you know how you look. you do, Darlings. I have to tell you, I'm tickled pink being here. You know, people want to know so much about us stars. we have no royalty in this country. Wear it. you know wha... |
dropout | simon_pegg_and_nick_frost_s_star_wars | How did we get into this mess? We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.
Blub blub blub blub. What? Blub blub blub blub. Is that what you're going to do? Blub blub.
No, it doesn't. No, it makes a whistle. It communicates via a system of beeps and whistles. You don't say bleep, blap.
Go like this. Try that.... |
cracked | 5_prehistoric_creatures_ripped_directly_from_your_nightmares | The animal kingdom is loaded with some pretty formidable creatures, a few of which we as humans are only barely able to keep in line even with modern technology. As it turns out, many of these species are diminutive descendants of giants so mind-bogglingly huge and terrifying that they could probably take over the enti... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_barry_gibb_talk_show_2024_election_snl | And as always, that's what. I'm still gonna talk to you. I don't care what you say, talkin' it up, I'ma better get caught up, talkin' bout issues, talkin'' bout really fuckin' issues, talkin' it up, I'ma better get caught up, checkin' out politics, and this crazy, crazy time of my day. Good evening, ladies and gentleme... |
dropout | pot_cookie_monster | Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What we laughing about? We counting to five. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
One... Whoa! What? Oh man, feel how soft me is. It's like petting fuzzy rainbow made of kittens. Two... Wait, wait! Me and me. Me can feel me own soft without even touching me. Usually. Me no. Whoa!
Has this been here th... |
TheOnion | brendan_fraser_i_would_like_to_apply_for_one_kickstarter_please | Starfix, brought to you by the Oscar Mayer Original Collection. Hot on the heels of the successful Veronica Mars and Zach Braff Kickstarter projects, actor Brendan Fraser has announced his plans to launch one of his own. Yesterday morning, the Mummy star tweeted out, I would like to apply for one Kickstarter, please, a... |
cracked | the_time_barbie_was_too_sexy_for_these_terrorists_canonball | For over 60 years, Barbie has managed to tiptoe a very fine line between feminist empowerment and hypersexualization. That's hard to do in permanently pointed toes. Barbie's ectomorphic frame has been criticized for perpetuating spine-splintering beauty standards for generations of women. Even the new movie seems to be... |
dropout | what_if_the_players_in_madden_could_talk_back | No, honestly, I think Cargo Shorts are making a comeback. Ah! You can't miss that sack, Von Miller.
Hey, man, I'm trying my best. You had touchdown, Temmie 17. I'm talking to you. I'm busting my butt for you, and all you do is complain.
Did you change the settings? No. I try to be a good worker. I keep my mouth shut ... |
TheOnion | Aborted_Appraisal_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Alright, let's take a look at this. Yeah, this was down by the swimming area near the state park. It's like an old silverware center. I can see by the inscription at the base that this is the work of George Smith III, a late 19th century English silversmith. Don't stand up there! Yes, one of the true masters of British... |
dropout | which_is_nerdier_star_wars_or_star_trek | Captain, we're caught in some kind of tractor beam. Open a channel! I sense a presence I've not felt in a long time.
Nerds! Ah, you again. Look, we're not nerds. If we're nerds, you're nerds. Yeah, right. I'm a Sith Lord, and you're a bald guy in pajamas.
Can you do this? No, because that doesn't make any sense. If p... |
dropout | the_guy_who_returned_to_facebook | Okay, Grant, I give up, tell me. This side's up. Ow! Yes! Oh, wow. Are they working on us this plus? Blake. Guys, Blake's back. What? He's here?
I thought he deleted his Facebook. I did. I deleted my Facebook just for a little while, and I gotta say, it really put everything into perspective.
Put everything into pers... |
dropout | midnight_talk_show_prank_ii | Let us break into his apartment and prank him by making him do a late night talk show. It was so much fun. We just had to do it again. We got a band. We got a special guest. We got all kinds of crazy surprises. It's the Late, Late, Late Show with Dan Gewich, featuring the late, late, late night band and a special guest... |
TheOnion | DNC_Speech_I_Am_Proud_To_Say_I_Walked_In_On_Bill_And_Hillary_Having_Sex | I want to talk about love.
Everybody knows Hillary Clinton is the best person to lead this country, but her critics still like to pretend that she's cold and stiff. Well, folks, that's not the Hillary I know. It's not the Hillary I'm proud to call a friend, and it's certainly not the Hillary I once accidentally saw ha... |
SaturdayNightLive | game_time_with_randy_and_greg_baseball_snl | Hello and welcome to another edition of Game Time with Randy and Greg! Your one-stop shop for sports Talk! I'm former Nfl Running Back Randy Dukes and with me as always is my co-host Greg. Greg is not an Alien and today we're gonna be talking about one thing Baseball.
We want to know who's got October Fever. So let's ... |
dropout | apple_s_latest_innovation_copying_spotify | Apple revolutionized the music industry with the introduction of the iPod and now with Apple Music we present our greatest innovation yet, copying Spotify. Our developers looked at Spotify and asked themselves what works, what doesn't and then we said, it's all good, let's just take the whole thing and put our name on ... |
TheOnion | Porn_Industry_Leaders_Announce_Immediate_Closures_Of_All_Orifices_The_Topical_Episode_45 | More major shutdowns being caused by the coronavirus pandemic today, as porn industry leaders announce the immediate closure of all orifices. Hear how long each and every hole is expected to be out of commission. And later, we may have some good news on the horizon, as scientists in Germany believe they may have found ... |
dropout | I_m_Gay_for_My_Living_Billionaire_Jet_Plane | I'm your host, Jess Ross. The other host is here too.
It's Rekha! Hello, Rekha's here.
Thank you so much for joining us. Whether you are listening on wherever you get your podcasts, whether you're checking it out a week later on YouTube or on YouTube, I'm really excited to be here. I'm really excited to be here.
If ... |
cracked | why_mario_is_secretly_a_dick_with_a_mustache_after_hours | Friends, when I use the term loosely, you're gonna lose this one. We don't always agree on things, but when we do, we're like a spiky blue shell of inevitable you losing this. Not that we'll need a blue shell, or even like a decoy prize box. Or, hell, even a banana peel. Rainbow Road, bitches!
Peach should have picked... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Fall_Fashion | Fall is already in full swing, but you still haven't found that perfect fall outfit. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onions tips for fall fashion. Remember, earth tones are a classic fall look. Before leaving your house, slather yourself generously in layers of soil, mulch, and fertilizers. That looks g... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_michael_longfellow_snl | Well, this week we said goodbye to a former First Lady, a former Secretary of State, and the Supreme Court's first female justice. And also a guy who claims to be all three of those things. former Representative George Santos, seen here swallowing evidence, was expelled from Congress on Friday by a vote of 114. Chantes... |
SaturdayNightLive | dole_clinton_point_counterpoint_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Tonight, on 60 Minutes, the return of Point Counterpoint, here to debate the impending war in Iraq, our former President Bill Clinton and Senator Bob Dole. Bob, how did our diplomatic strategy on Iraq fall apart so badly, so fast? In a little over two years, this administration has squandered every foreign policy achie... |
cracked | how_ayn_rand_and_l_ron_hubbard_came_up_with_their_big_ideas_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Fine. Oh, that was good.
The opium or the sex? You tell me. The opium.
I feel like I have tiny little aliens in my blood. Like my head is a volcano or something. Enough with the aliens, Ron. Jesus. Sorry, I just... I was thinking about Orson Welles and how he pranked everybody into believing that aliens were invading... |
dropout | george_r_r_martin_writes_the_all_nighter_all_nighter_2014 | College Humor's All Nighter! Sam, would you like some time? What I meant was don't talk at the same time. Sam, why didn't you tell us the All Nighter was tonight? None of us are ready. And I hate to break it too, but without us, you've got zero scripts. Guys! Relax.
I've got it all figured out. I hired a head writer t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scomo_Gets_Dad_Shamed_Empathy_Consultant_On_The_Brink_Of_Collapse_A_Local_Bloke_Back_On_The_Ma_ | Scott Morrison gets dad shamed, an empathy consultant on the brink of collapse, and a local bloke is back on the market. Hey guys, it's Effie Bateman, and this is the Daily Batuda for Friday the 22nd of April, thanks for tuning in. So starting off with some good news today, and I'm happy to say that Clancy and Errol wi... |
cracked | robin_thede_explains_the_straight_man_character | Over the weekend, New York magazine put out this article with the corresponding tweet that was very misleading, that said Robin Thede doesn't believe in straight men on her show, A Black Lady Sketch Show. He tweeted back almost immediately to correct this, saying it was clickbait and that what she meant was that their ... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_meets_gale_part_ii | It appears Sera has feelings for that intolerable gay lord. I need a love potion, something that will make Sera love me forever.
I mean, I suppose if you wanted to conceivably procreate- Ah, you drive a hard bargain. Fine, if I must part with two hams, so be it. Two hams to you!
Let's, well, let's give her a call and... |
TheOnion | Loudness_Equals_Power_Onion_Talks_Ep_2 | I'm a loud man. That's no surprise. But what may be a surprise?
I can be even louder. This is a personal amplification device. It's a series of wires that are connected surgically to my vocal cords, which are then attached to speakers which are grafted at the back of my throat. That's how I can feel and how loud I can... |
dropout | found_footage_movie_taped_over_super_embarrassing_video | See cool, he can zoom on this thing. I'm gonna not tell her you said that Hey, is that the camera? Yeah, I only have one tape and I don't want to race mud My name is Craig Stevens. I'm 29 years old and I weigh 165 pounds. I can't wait to show you why I said thing on Yeah, I think so. I was present audio before but it's... |
dropout | derrick_s_post_apocalyptic_dane_cook | How's it going, post-apocalyptic Denver? How you doing? Yeah, yeah, you guys remember the apocalypse, huh? You remember the apocalypse when the machines that we used to run, when the machines we used to run are now running us? Do you remember that?
I do. Haha. Yeah, this isn't my trademark anymore. The radioactive was... |
dropout | hardly_working_business_time_2 | Sweet Larry Mother of Pearl. Xerox WorkCenter. 7328.
Yes, this is actual. I have a contact at the Zier. We met during recounts at Miami Dade. I was there. And he told me we were on the wait list for one of these bad boys for the past six months.
Thought he was pulling my schlong. Well, he wasn't.
26ppm black and whi... |
dropout | muppet_teens | Good morning, kids! Hi!
Wolf, why don't you play me a song on the piano? It's been so long! Ugh! I hate the piano, okay? Stop telling people that I like the piano! Pianos are gay!
But you used to love it! I never loved it! You can't just tell people that I love it when I don't!
I'll sue you! Piggy, what did you do t... |
dropout | picnicface_super_bingo | Oh Play super bingo every week Monday through Sunday come to the Halifax senior center for all the bingo you can handle Monday four to six. It's burn go bingo say burn go instead of saying bingo our seniors love little switch-ups I'm good for you. I hate this super bingo brings the excitement Tuesday morning we get sta... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.