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TheOnion | Ear_Of_Genetically_Modified_Corn_Begs_For_Death | This is the Onion News Network telling you what we want you to know Let's start off in Minnesota where yet another celebrity sex tape has surfaced this time The steamy tape is an audio recording of radio star Garrison Keillor Seemingly engaged in a variety of sex acts the website radar online posted this seven hour lon... |
TheOnion | China_Launches_First_Willing_Manned_Mission_Into_Space | In what international observers are calling an impressive display of progress, China successfully launched its first willing-manned mission into space today. While more than 50 Chinese astronauts have been launched into orbit since the inception of their space program in 1956, former truck driver Zhang Tang was the fir... |
cracked | the_eyes_have_it_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to episode what's in the box of does not compute proudly presenting those parts of the internet that didn't make It past hosh. O's legal team I'm your host most of a statue and my co-host this week is extreme bodybuilder Rodrigo Feras now Rodrigo is not an English speaker So unfortunately, he ... |
cracked | how_fantasy_sports_ruin_real_sports_cracked_responds | Bada- ka-ba-pah-ba-ba-ba-da-pow! Hi, I'm Alex. And I'm Adam.
Welcome to Cracked's NFL Power Rankings for the week. This week we decided to shake up the rankings a little bit. So topping them off, this week, fantasy football. Fantasy football.
Everybody loves it, right? Everybody's doing it. That's what the stats say.... |
ClickHole | how_does_yelling_become_a_law | Since the beginning of US history, yelling has played an important role in our legislative process. So how does yelling become a law?
Let's take a look.
It all begins when a constituent or a lawmaker has an idea they think is worth yelling. A citizen can mail that yelling to their congressperson, or open their mouth ... |
dropout | hardcore_casual_gaming_rap | Motherfuckers calling me casual cause I play Angry Birds I just spent 6 hours trying to freestyle that left Ain't nothing casual about it I'll kill you I false bitch, board game bitch Connect we fit, touch screen bitch See ya bitch, four bill bitch And words with friends, I'll have bitch I fuck and share games with my ... |
dropout | very_mary_kate_lost_in_translation | Thank you all for coming. I'd like to welcome our distinguished guest all the way from France, Mr. Olivier Sarkozy.
Really, you do better to applause this, chef. This cheese is a better representative of France than I. Ugh, no thanks.
I'm an Eritrean.
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Olivier Sarkozy. Bonjour. Je m'appelle Oliv... |
dropout | too_many_twists_heist_night_5_5 | He was going on and on. I don't know what's going on in his life, but I don't deserve that. I work at a children's hospital, and I do this for fun. And this was not fun tonight. This was not a good time, you know? This is a charity event.
I'm having fun. I enjoy it.
Zach, give me the money. I'd love to, but the thing... |
cracked | why_americans_suck_at_partying_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and Americans tend to think we have the best the world has to offer. Everything good has been turned into a cheesecake factory dish or a take-out restaurant and fed directly to our rich, sci... |
cracked | 5_awful_lessons_video_games_teach_you_about_relationships | I bet you say that to all the girls. Hey, uh, how does this tie look with this jacket? Vulnerable? Great. It slims your neck. How's this cloak look with these boots? In the game, dumb shit.
Oh, happy Valentine's Day to you too, my loneliest friend. I'll have you know that we have a very special evening plan.
Her? Gam... |
cracked | 5_childish_mistakes_every_movie_makes | Hello internet, I'm crack senior editor Tom Ryman. I know we've had a lot of laughs together But today I'm here to talk to you about a serious problem for some reason there are a handful of very basic Concepts about the adult world that filmmakers have yet to master They just go at their subject matter like a kid playi... |
dropout | We_Can_t_Turn_Off_the_Tutorial | Okay, team. One more punch and finish off this monster. Rodney Cloverfield.
I tell you, I get no respect. Whenever someone sees me, they scream and they run. And that's just my doctor. How could such a huge monster have such tiny self-esteem?
I know, right? I kind of feel bad for him. Maybe he should get help. Did so... |
dropout | 50_shades_of_paul | All right, if you'd just slate your name and tell me the role you're reading for. Okay, great. I am Paul Scheer and I am reading for the role of Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. All right, great. Let's jump right in, right? Okay.
Found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your body.
I don't know whether to worship ... |
SaturdayNightLive | titanic_alternate_ending_saturday_night_live | Yes, there was a man named Jack Dawson and he saved me. in every way, a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. he exists now, only in my memory. Wow, that's an amazing story, Rose. Yeah, that's messed up. three years I thought of nothing but Titanic, but I never got it. I never let it in. Well, now yo... |
cracked | a_series_of_the_worst_nicknames_ever | so you're my new partner new meat but partners like cops though not like gay guys the new Jeff guy everyone's calling new meat you you just call me that I don't I don't think anyone else is calling me that but yeah right you know what you need a nickname no I don't sure you do otherwise what am I gonna call you partner... |
cracked | quora_user_thinks_movie_birth_scenes_are_real_featuring_clare_o_kane_quorators_clips | So this first one is a Hollywood question. This is Quinsultown, because all of our segments are Quora themed. I think it's an orange one, Alex, no? Yeah, it's this one. Yeah, yeah, it's this one.
Here in Quinsultown, we're seeing the top stars of the day and asking them questions. Is Leonardo DiCaprio, does his mother... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_labyrinth | Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave. You have no power over me."
David Bowie only agreed to play the Goblin King on the condition that Jim Henson let him make love with the Bunsen and Beaker puppets, whom he affectionately referred to as Darling and Rajeev. Speaking of rock stars, Bowie wasn't... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_song_from_snl_a_christmas_song_with_the_muppets_snl | And now a very special Christmas treat from all of us at Saturday Night Live. one, two, one, two, three. Jimmy? Tracy? Tan? guys? Horatio, is something wrong? can I help?
Oh, hi, Kermit. hi, dear. um, I'm just a little blue because it's going here to sing my Christmas song with me. Oh, well, my guys can do it, right, ... |
dropout | The_Adventures_of_Kim_Jong_Un_Complete_Series | The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Written and directed by Kim Jong-Un Made by animators who voluntarily left their families and refused to paint them through the brim of a Kim Jong-Un Kim Jong-Un Kim Jong-Un Your show is the most popular show. Everybody loves it. There is only one thing wrong. Oh glorious stallion of liber... |
dropout | fun_ground_zero_mosque | We try it, please! It is with great sadness that I announce our decision not to move forward with the Park 51 Mosque. Starting tomorrow, we will begin the search for a new location for our House of Worship, our Cultural Center, and our NBA Regulation Basketball Court. Wait, Basketball Court? Yes, you no longer need fai... |
SaturdayNightLive | nick_burns_your_company_s_computer_guy_sparks_fly_saturday_night_live | Did you see the cover of Mac User Magazine? Oh, the one with the G4 Cube on it? next to the Silicon Graphics Zx10, the Cube has got to be the coolest computer in the world. yeah, it's by cool you made a computer that doesn't have an expansion bay. extra Sim slots. and yeah, I guess it's the fondly of computers, Dilbert... |
TheOnion | Dan_Savage_Successfully_Undergoes_Gay_Conversion_Therapy | The Obama family adopts a 44-year-old Portuguese waterman, Washington Hobby Lobby rep Bobby Stobby lobbies to strengthen American hobbies, and an $80,000 wedding is beautiful. We strongly recommend pausing this video right now and stretching out a little before going any further, seriously, it's going to be pretty inte... |
cracked | pregnancy_announcements_on_youtube_cracked_responds | Cody Bridget, I looked in the opposite directions there. It's fine. I've asked you here because I want to show you some videos that I found online I am pregnant not physically my wife is pregnant and There are a lot of videos online of people giving this pregnancy announcement And it's such like a fun awesome thing to ... |
cracked | when_sitcom_gal_pals_love_each_other_a_normal_amount_a_valentine_s_sketch_by_meat_cats_comedy | Good evening, and welcome back to Blerner Classic Movies. As always, I'm your host, Dog Walker. You may recognize me from such movies as Black Cat, White Dad, My Horse is a Ghost, and Uh-Oh! Mom's an Angel Now.
Today, we look back at a TV classic from Hollywood's Hay Day, the 1955 sitcom The Best Gal Pals, a sitcom ab... |
cracked | why_you_ll_always_lose_as_a_woman_on_the_internet | Who's up for game night? Ew, no thanks dad, we're busy. Oh yeah? The internet board game? Whoa!
I'm going to be an overshare who's incessantly online. I'm going to be the internet troll. I'm going to be a 40 year old man posing as a 13 year old girl. I'm going to be a woman. Honey, are you sure you want to play that a... |
ClickHole | so_sweet_watch_this_7_year_old_s_reaction_to_learning_she_s_going_to_harry_potter_world | Little girl, you must leave your home immediately and go to Harry Potter's world. The land of Harry Potter, the magician who loves to cheat death. You must travel to the place where everything is hot and there Harry Potter the magician will sell you clothing with his face on it.
The best news is you will see Harry Pot... |
dropout | hip_bathroom_signs_are_the_worst | So trendy. I know, but I've had like way too much of their synchronous. Now I really need a pee. Yeah, it's really nice. Oh! Clearly, women's mittens.
You can't use that different words. Okay, alright, we can do this.
This looks like a nipple on a boob, so it must be the lady's room. Except men and women both have ni... |
dropout | stop_posting_unflattering_photos_of_me | Hey, can we talk about the pictures you posted of me on Instagram? It was National Boyfriend Day, so I wanted to honor you. Proud to be with a man who's in touch with his feelings. I am. This is Murph after he got home from McDonald's and realized they forgot his fries. Hashtag National Boyfriend Day. Picture me crying... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_156_Mikey_Robbins | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batutah and today on this streak of interviewing Australian talent that we wouldn't be able to otherwise get outside of a pandemic, ever... |
dropout | tumblr_ceo_no_more_porn | Hey, Internet citizens, it's me, Harry Pancake, the CEO of Tumbler. We've begun the difficult process of removing all adult content from our platform. We know some of our users are unhappy with this decision, but Tumbler's a family company, and there's so much of what we do have to offer that is SFW, short for safe, fu... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_65_kate_mcclymont | Hello and thanks for tuning in. My name is Errol Parker and you're listening to the Battuta Advocate radio show coming to you live from Baxter Boot Studios in downtown Battuta and joining me as always is Clancy Overall. Yes hello and thanks for tuning in. Now we've got an interesting guest on the show this week.
She's... |
TheOnion | How_Cannibalistic_Militias_Could_Technically_Speaking_Wipe_Out_A_Small_South_American_Village | Let's burn Barcelona to the ground! Spiky as fuck. The village of Tisaleo in southern Ecuador may look peaceful to you, and technically it is. But it sure as hell wouldn't be if it was terrorized by a cannibalistic paramilitary unit, which at least theoretically could take over this close-knit village at any moment. We... |
dropout | the_nobody_drinks_for_free_creep | Hey guys, we're family here.
We've got a little sneak peek from this week's episode Yes, not only do we have this scene which we hope you'll like but we also have Ben Schwartz in this week's episode So watch it Wednesday at 8 on pop TV.
Watch it on your TV Can I buy you a drink Fantastic just gonna need a down paymen... |
cracked | 4_awkward_true_stories_about_dealing_with_death_show_and_tell | We're bringing it down a little today on Show and Tell. We're here to talk about death and near death experiences. Today I want to talk to you about death. I'm glad I came here for this.
It wasn't like most kids where you have a pet that dies first and that's how you sort of get the idea of it. I had pets, but they ju... |
dropout | the_pre_hook_up_clean_up | Hey, thanks for having me. Of course. Come on in. Okay. You got here fast.
Sorry, the place is such a mess.
It looks fine. Well, I try.
Can I get you the obligatory drink? Can I have the obligatory glass of water?
Yeah, of course. Awesome. Oh, is it okay if I charge my phone in here? Yeah, there's a charger behind ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_spent_six_years_and_45_000_developing_the_burrito_bone | Are you sick to shit of your burrito just falling apart? How do you even hold it? It's like eating a big bag of diarrhea. It's floppy as hell, it has no rigidity. It's like eating a big bag of diarrhea.
Gone are the days of embarrassing yourself at the Mexican restaurant. No more will you dump the guts of a carnitas b... |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_episode_1 | Whoa, oh my lord, it's time for the astronaut accountants featuring Ace and Jocelyn. What the fuck are you doing? Basically, we're two astronaut accounts from outer space.
You're Ace, you're tall and you're a good looking ladies guy. And I'm Jocelyn, you're sorta psychic, a little more cute, but I still get pussy. But... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_saturday_night_live | Well, according to friends of Billy Joel, the Piano Man's new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexa. If Freud were alive today and asked to comment on this, I think he'd say I'm the father of modern psychoanalysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st century. And you're aski... |
CrackerMilk | abusing_our_intern_crackermilk_podcast_episode_9 | I've worked really hard on this costume, so like, this is the bit that I've written down what part you need to do the bit. What's this for your bit, is it? Yeah, this is for my bit.
How much did the outfit cost you, dude? I didn't cost you, it took me forever to make, I made it. How long did it take you to make it? Li... |
cracked | the_4_worst_lessons_disney_movies_taught_us_as_kids_after_hours | Well, shouldn't cast a white dude as Aladdin, sends kids the wrong message. So does seeing Aladdin beaten with a chair over the head and tossed in the Huck Finn River. I mean, what's next? White Jesus? Absurd. Ah, Disney teaches terrible lessons left and right anyway.
Hey. Racism. Easy. I mean, Dumbo has a jive-talkin... |
SaturdayNightLive | happy_valentine_s_day_from_the_cheney_family_snl | And now, a Valentine's Day moment from Vice President Dick Cheney. Hello, I'm Dick Cheney. it's my wife, Lynn. Hello. You know, Valentine's Day is always special here at the Cheney household. we love all the cards we get from all of our friends and family, and we always put aside time to share them with each other. So ... |
TheOnion | Cindy_McCain_Just_Like_Any_Other_Female_Human | Cindy McCain is seeking to soften her image. In a Newsweek special profile out today, Mrs. McCain said that although she could soon become the nation's next first lady, she considers herself, quote, just like any other female human. Todd Graham, author of the profile, said he found Mrs. McCain surprisingly easy to talk... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Matthew_Reilly_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_131 | As always. I don't think there's too much going on over there. The American dream is living, I believe.
Matthew Riley, thank you for joining us. Hey guys, thanks for having me.
One of Australia's favourite authors. How long have you been over there for? I've been living here since the start of 2015, so it's getting o... |
cracked | why_violent_video_games_don_t_cause_violence_today_s_topic_geek_week | Huh? Pretty good. Yeah, and so many polygons.
Have you seen Oculus Rift? It's like a virtual reality helmet that puts the whole field of vision of the game everywhere you turn your head. It's awesome. Why is it called Oculus Rift?
It doesn't rip your eyeball, right? It doesn't.
That is obviously right. Yeah.
Speaki... |
cracked | when_they_won_t_stop_asking_questions_during_the_movie_a_video_by_simple_town | Isn't this that guy that did, um, yeah. You can tell he's like, I don't know, you know.
Hey guys. Hey girl.
What are we watching? Something we just found online.
It looked cool. Cool.
Who's that guy? I'm not sure. He just came on. And what about this guy? We don't know yet. Yeah, it started about five minutes ago, ... |
dropout | every_day_is_a_holiday_on_twitter | Oh, come on! Not again! Happy National Cookie Day! Yay!
No, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, everyone. What?
It's all over Twitter. No, this is another one of those meaningless Twitter holidays. It's a fake holiday. No. This is a real holiday. It's not. This is just like yesterday.
Whoa! Happy Carmen Miranda Day!... |
TheOnion | David_Fincher_To_Helm_YouTube_s_First_Hour_Long_Drama_Series_Turtle_Has_Sex_With_Shoes | YouTube is the latest video website to jump into the original programming arena. The site recently announced its first high-profile long-form venture, a 13-episode dramatic adaptation of the popular video, Turtle Has Sex With Shoes. Acclaimed director David Fincher has signed on to direct the hour-long pilot, which wil... |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_play_dear_esther_mp4 | What is up, my niggas? It is me, Fitzthistlewitz, here with a let's play of Dear Esther. It's the latest action FPS game, very much in the vein of Duke Nukem, Half-Life, Doom, and so on. Just lowering the sound a little bit, because I can't hear my own voice. And I do enjoy the sound of my own voice. Okay, well, I can'... |
SaturdayNightLive | entertainment_tonight_lip_readers_snl | Welcome back to our Entertainment Tonight Award Season special. here's a riddle.: who is someone you see once a year, every single year, and yet you've never seen them before in your life? Answer,: an Entertainment Tonight host. Ouch, love that. Well, award season is in full swing. at seven, it's our favorite red carpe... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_heidi_gardner_and_ego_nwodim_snl | President Biden visited the Southern Border on Thursday and was horrified to discover it is being swarmed by criminals and rapists. that's right. both Biden and Trump coincidentally visited the border on the same day. which sounds like the setup for the weirdest rom-com of all time. My favorite part of the visit was wh... |
TheOnion | McCain_Declines_Secret_Service | In a Newsweek article released today, Republican presidential candidate John McCain said if elected, he would cut $15 million in government spending by eliminating the need for the Secret Service. The decorated war hero said, quote, you think I can't defend myself from some whack job? I've been to hell and back. And qu... |
dropout | alex_jones_s_head_finally_exploded | Oh, whoa. What's up? You know how Alex Jones' head always looks like it's going to explode? Yeah, like a pimple that's been squeezed a little. Yeah, or if, like, a volcano was a person. Well, it looks like it finally happened. Oh my god.
I mean, his skin was always so red, it looked like he was flooding his system wit... |
TheOnion | ClickHole_This_43_Year_Old_Man_Won_t_Let_Himself_Be_Defined_By_Barbie_s_Beauty_Standards | Uh, I got my first Barbie when I was 37 years old. And even when I was younger, I knew I didn't need to look like her to feel good about myself. A lot of people want her to be just like Barbie because she's very pretty, but not me. You see, I don't need blonde hair, or long slender legs, or a big pink jeep. It's not wh... |
cracked | if_the_flintstones_was_about_real_cavemen | Hey, that's what I call dinner to go Relax dumb dumb dinner's on me Chili isn't it? Here you go Oh, well this relationship is off to a rocky start Sewing and a miss you'll get that one when you did baseball dumb dumb So that's what I call two balls in a strike Gazoo there you are. Oh, hi that Tazon. So nice of you to d... |
TheOnion | Severely_Injured_Woman_Heroically_Fights_Off_Paramedics_Trying_To_Force_Her_Into_Medical_Debt | It's a terrifying story out of Atlanta, Georgia, where one woman heroically fought off several paramedics who were trying to force her into medical debt after enduring a car crash. We've got the details on how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens ... |
dropout | Alfie_The_Horny_Halfling_Pt_2 | Hello, everyone, and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess Ross, with me, as always, is my co-host, Rekha. Rekha! Do the Rekha dance.
Thank you so much for being here, whether you are watching on CH2, whether you are listening wherever you get your podcasts, or whe... |
cracked | 3_ridiculous_movie_schemes_that_make_no_sense_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, my name is Daniel Woah Brian and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that, a show that if it had t-shirts would you buy one? Would you buy and wear a shirt that said Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder on it in a cool way? Would you buy that? I've made these videos for like... |
dropout | Why_Musicians_are_Forced_to_Sell_Out | Back when people were buying physical CDs, there was a ton of money to be made for the labels and for the artists. But the rise of streaming services like Spotify, Pandora, and Apple Music have changed the industry. In 2017, music sales revenue was just 60% of what it was in 1999.
I'm super convenient, but I do not pa... |
dropout | hardly_working_winter_beard | What's going on Owen's in there shaving his winter beard. We're giving him some space, but this is the women's rest Well, buddy we had a good season, but It's getting warm outside. So I guess this is goodbye Yeah, I can last a few more months it'll be invited you come August, but I feel it'll be fine. It'll be fine It'... |
cracked | worst_drinking_game_ever | Chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug Yeah! This is not good circuits cause that was... It's vengeance! Justin, how you feeling baby? Um, shit face. You sure, you sure after that. Rusty, it's your game. What's it gonna be?
A little asshole? A... |
dropout | you_re_all_a_bunch_of_phone_zombies_hardly_working | Holy shit, are you guys okay? Yeah, what the hell was that? Let's find out what happened. Oh my god, I'm so happy to see you guys. Katie, you're alive! Yeah, I was so worried that... Have you seen any other survivors? I'm sorry, are all three of you seriously on earphones right now?
We're trying to get help. I'm calli... |
TheOnion | Will_The_Masked_Hero_On_The_Celtics_Ever_Reveal_His_Secret_Identity | Alright, let's get down to the sweaty business at hand. The Celtics have been on fire lately, and everyone is asking just who is the mysterious masked hero leading them and when will he reveal his identity? Is he merely a concerned citizen of Boston? A regular man seeking to restore order to the Celtics while maintaini... |
TheOnion | Report_Baby_Skull_Jewelry_May_Be_Linked_To_Violence | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is wandering along I-97 in a bathrobe with no memory of who he is.
Whether adorning jewelry or serving as home furnishings, baby skulls are one of the most sought-after ornamental items in the United States. But a new report finds as many as 30% of baby skulls are ... |
TheOnion | Many_U_S_Parents_Outsourcing_Child_Care_Overseas | Increasingly, American parents are spending more time at work and less time at home. With the cost of nannies on the rise, many are turning to a new solution to their childcare dilemma. Susan and Mark Andelman of Portland, Oregon, started sending their son Timothy to a daycare facility in India four months ago. It used... |
dropout | hardly_working_religiously | I saw YouTube put on an amazing show last night at Madison Square Garden. What? We had our poetry sent in my parents' backyard last night, and I didn't see you there.
Hey, Mr. Turner! Oh, my gosh! Who's, uh, who's Mr. Turner? I don't get it. Come on, he's the English teacher from Boy Meets World.
He wore the leather ... |
dropout | this_smart_watch_tells_you_when_you_re_going_to_die | Hello and welcome to the College Humor podcast. This is the show where the cast and crew of College Humor just gonna sit around gonna have some conversation play some games and talk a bit about the things that go into making all your favorite videos and probably some that you didn't like so much.
I am Mike Trapp joini... |
cracked | why_your_college_application_was_rejected | Pleasure to meet you. I'm Matt, and I possibly ruined your life by rejecting your college application. You probably have a lot of questions. Oh, uh, just one actually. What object here can I use to hit you with? Look, I get it. Not getting into your dream college is sort of like sending a massive, heartfelt love letter... |
dropout | the_ch_cast_s_favorite_sketches_of_2017 | My favorite video from this past year was don't eat the laundry pods by zakoyama. It's so weird and I think very funny and beautifully shot. It's also Invariably the one sketch that when I am visiting old friends or meeting people It's always the one they bring up. They're like, man that laundry pod sketch.
What the f... |
TheOnion | Hollow_Point_Bullets_Recalled_That_Fail_To_Explode_Targets | The nation's leading manufacturer of ammunition, Steel Hawk Incorporated, announced a massive recall today of jacketed hollow point bullets, which may not properly shred the internal organs of victims. When functioning normally, the tip of a hollow point bullet shatters into fragments, then cuts a wide and jagged path ... |
cracked | movies_that_conveniently_forgot_their_own_rules | Six forgotten plot points.
We're horrifying Executive vice president of nagging industries you truly are incorruptible in other news Officials at the Pacific nuclear research facility have denied the rumor that a case of missing plutonium was in fact stolen from their vault two weeks ago A Libyan terrorist group had c... |
dropout | every_7_seconds_job_interview | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible.
Right? Streeter. Yes. Welcome. I'm Roger. This is Christine. How are you? Welcome to Schultz and Dash. Thank you. It says here you went to Quendalton State University. Mm-hmm.
I myself went to the Wisconsin School of Ass. I majored in n... |
TheOnion | How_To_Suck_Your_Drain_Clean_With_Your_Mouth_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | My drain has been clogged for days. I tried using liquid drain cleaner, but it didn't work. Can you help? Okay, this is a very common household problem and today I'm going to show you how to solve it without using nasty chemicals or calling a plumber. First I'm going to go through three common mistakes that people make... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jared_logan | Give it up for Jared Logan. Do you say excuse me or pardon me when you try to get by somebody? Excuse me or pardon me? What do you say? Excuse me. Excuse me? And that is what you should say. Do not say pardon me. I for some reason was raised to say pardon me. Don't say it. It's too formal. When I say pardon me, on the ... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_pee_quirks | And then on top of all that, my doctor told me my hindsight's 20-80. Wow. Dude, I'm so sorry. God, you guys, I'm so embarrassed right now.
Your haircut doesn't look that bad. It'll grow back. I'd get a haircut.
Right. Awkward. I was in the bathroom, just peeing, you know, and then out of nowhere, Jeff Rubin comes in ... |
dropout | Death_By_Space_Troopers_Animated | Commander. General Crimson, what is the report from the front lines? Our elite troopers were successful. As expected. But sustained heavy damage. Such is the price of war.
Send them to the infirmary at once. Secure in the knowledge they have earned my gratitude. At once, Commander. Um, sir. General, I trust our heroes... |
dropout | Mom_Disappointed_In_Son_Again_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
Hi from the studio, I'm K... |
cracked | why_donald_trump_vs_the_press_is_must_watch_tv_after_the_trump_5 | Cody Johnston. Alex Schmidt. Katie Stoll.
Guys, Trump versus the press. What an episode. Let's get right into it. Finally, yeah. In a season where we've had a lot of enemies and cramming a lot into an episode, it was nice that this one was razor focused on just two main events really that are just on the theme Trump i... |
dropout | adam_ruins_collegehumor_adam_ruins_everything | Okay, I have a pitch. The woman who treats her car like a little baby boy. That's not even mean, Katie. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
Is it? Hey gang! Hello! What brings you to the office? You miss all the hilarious fun that comes with making internet sketch comedy? Actually, I've been watching the videos and ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | 02_10_20 | Hello Errol. Hello Clancy, how are ya? Alright mate, alright mate, good to have our little fuck good. Don't believe that for a second. Well, yeah. Wendell. I'm a little bit hungover. And we've got our young fella back here. Wendell Hussey, the news reader, the Kay McGrath of the Diamond Tender Shire. I've said it befor... |
dropout | Grant_Uses_Others_as_Puppets_To_Voice_His_Opinions_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Rebecca Hat... |
cracked | president_donald_trump_takes_dump_on_white_house_the_mooch_democrats_get_ready_to_lose_some_news | Hello, I'm a news person, and here's some news. Sean Spicer has resigned from the Trump administration after Anthony The Mooch Scaramoochie was hired as the White House Communications Director. It's already clear that Scaramoochie is quite the character, and well, The Moochie's out. And even though he's no longer Rella... |
dropout | celebrity_photo_psa_with_malin_akerman | Hey, I'm Marlon Ackerman and I'm an actress. I feel so grateful to have made it to the point in my career where I have fans asking to take pictures with me. It's amazing. But celebrities are still people and we have boundaries, so here are some simple rules to follow.
Number one, if I blink, which I usually don't sinc... |
cracked | worst_fraternity_hazing_ever | So, are you pledges ready for hell night? Don't answer that! You're not!
We're gonna do things to your dicks you'll probably hate. If there's a good chance, you'll know what his butt tastes like.
Will there be booze? Oh, you ladies will be drunk.
You'll need to be. Because... T-T-T-Dome... I can't do this.
It's oka... |
cracked | 4_things_movies_get_wrong_about_jobs_office_space_batman_begins | Hollywood loves to make movies about businesses because that's where all the peasants in their audience work But writers and directors aren't exactly corporate experts and often don't even know what an average office job is like That's why they've come up with these weird misunderstandings of how companies work the myt... |
dropout | what_superpower_would_you_want_ask_ch | I would be minor inconvenience man and I would do things like you know the the bottom sheet on your mattress that you can never figure out which way it goes you know in in my world I would be able to snap my fingers and whoever I was trying to help would have that sheet fitted perfectly right away or like the toothpast... |
SaturdayNightLive | dion_and_blair_stevie_wonder_snl | What is keeping Dionne? I mean, I am famished. how long does it take to pick up a salad in his swaz? what's he doing? what is he doing? catching the tuna? Well, he'll be right back.
Dionne!
Dionne, where is my salad? Where is my salad? Look at me! Where is my salad?
Some woman bought the shirt I was gonna get for th... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_full_moon_killer_saturday_night_live | Ah, good morning, Teresa. good morning, Glenn. good morning, Alan.
I say, Alan, you know about that serial killer the papers are calling the Full Moon Killer? I know of him. I know he takes his victims each month on the full moon. I know he's a brilliant psychopath who has struck fear into the heart of the city. I kno... |
cracked | awesome_thought_experiments_for_your_next_existential_crisis_3_dead_philosophers | Hey! Help! What do we do? Is this part of the tour?
It's no use. This whole dungeon screams Kafkaesque futility.
I mean, there'd be way more guards if this was the kind of place that had a lot of foot traffic from helpful passerby's. Passersby.
You know what I find helps? Focusing on the tremendous pain. Oh, well, i... |
ClickHole | trump_s_assault_on_the_environment_explained_in_one_toe_tapping_song | Back in 2009, the EPA had issued its so-called Endangerment Finding which said greenhouse emissions are a threat to the public and paved the way for the Clean Power Plan but now President Trump is nullifying that decision with executive orders aimed at quote energy independence and he wants to slash the EPA's funding b... |
dropout | dating_a_college_girl_isn_t_as_sexy_as_it_seems_hot_date | Hi, I've got a date coming and I'm trying to impress her bring out a couple wine flights something mid-tier And she's gonna look young, but she's 21. She's in college. I'm Dating a sexy young co-ed be on the lookout for that Carissa hi, I'm mom. This place is fancy. Are they doing like drink specials or something? It's... |
TheOnion | Jockey_Liam_Hollins_The_Favorite_To_Brutally_Whip_Horse_To_Kentucky_Derby_Win | There, Brett, step right up when the bluegrass stakes this weekend thanks to a phenomenal whipping performance from jockey Liam Hollins. This is the fifth time Hollins has whipped a horse into the winner's circle this year. Is he the best horse flogger alive?
I hope you like sitting next to naked old Russian men becau... |
SaturdayNightLive | eddie_murphy_fills_time_snl | Uh, uh, people at home are going, what did he do? You know he's crazy, that one. um, we, uh, we're about, uh, 40 minutes too quick. 40 seconds too quick, So, uh, I'm, like, filling time. Dick sent out the most handsome man to fill the time. only kidding. no, um, he told me he sent me out to tell you people that, uh, th... |
dropout | the_most_intimate_step_in_a_relationship_hardly_working | So you know that guy James I've been dating? James Corden. No, Jim James from my gym.
Yes. I think tonight's the night. Tonight I'm gonna lick the plate in front of him. Are you sure you guys are ready? You barely know him. Licking a plate in front of someone is literally the most intimate thing that you can do with a... |
dropout | reindeer_hookups | Man, this party is great! Whole lotta fine lookin' tail in here! Rup! Dude, don't use the word tail like that. It creeps me out when you use it like that. Why? What's wrong with admiring all the fine lookin' tail up in here? Bam! Because we all have tails, man. I got a tail.
Do you think I look fine? Nah, you're like ... |
TheOnion | Obama_Begs_Voters_Not_To_Make_His_Daughters_Switch_Schools | President Obama kicked off his re-election campaign today asking voters not to make his daughters, Malia and Sasha, switch schools. Marie Byron joins us now along with Onion News Network's senior political analyst Jason Copeland.
Jason, nice to see you again. Hey, Brooke. Hello, Brooke.
It's an interesting strategy, ... |
cracked | we_remade_the_furiosa_trailer_for_20_20_movies_mad_max_movie_trailer_parody | How would the long it take? Whatever you have to do. Even if it takes ten years.
So pull them out! There is no help. I want them back.
It's not Furio, sir. It's Furio's song.
Witness me! Witness!
Mediocre. It's time to take what's rightfully ours! Water! Question is... Do you have it in you to make it a franchise? ... |
dropout | everything_is_too_pc_these_days | No, it's just a lot of cocaine, so when Katie gets here, I'll start the intervention. You're gonna lead it? Not a professional?
That's a little ghetto. What? Ghetto? Well, I can't say ghetto anymore.
Everything is so PC these days. It's annoying how uptight you are. I know it's easy to think that we're being uptight,... |
dropout | voter_registration_drive_live | Hello! And welcome to the College of Voter Registration Tribe! Woo woo woo woo! We're a bunch of you at College of Voter Palace here to talk to you about the importance of voter registration. That's right, in the United States of America, one of the world's oldest democracies, you are not automatically opted in to your... |
cracked | titanic_had_the_most_horrifying_ending_not_how_you_think | Hey, since it's 1998, do you want to go see Titanic one more time before it leaves the theaters? No. That didn't kind of creep me out. Creep you out.
It's a love story of a generation. You know that, right? You are aware that it's the love story of a generation?
Yeah, I keep hearing that and, like, how epic it is and... |
TheOnion | Democrats_Obama_Has_Dicked_Us_Around_For_Four_Years_Now_It_s_Our_Turn | You're back on the front lines of election 2012. Obama's poll numbers among his Democratic base are way down. The reason, analysts suggest, liberal voters just want to see Obama sweat a little before they inevitably vote for him.
Jason, fill us in. Yeah, Andrea, pretty interesting. Take a look at this.
A full 63% of ... |
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