section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
cracked | how_not_to_shoot_a_promo_the_de_textbook_promo_fail | You may remember a craft. It is a magazine from childhood.
It's relaunched as a website now with over 3,000,300 billion. Hopefully there's even more. How many? 300 billion? A billion billion. They're here presenting their D Textbook, please welcome the writers and editors, craft.com.
Woah! Hey! Woah! Hey!
Tremendous... |
cracked | a_moment_by_moment_breakdown_of_the_worst_music_video_ever_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, I am Daniel O'Brien, and this is Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that is the pop culture of Mice and Men's Lenny is to soft things. Today's episode hopes to ruin your day with...
There's no shortage of crappy music videos on the Internet, but this one's special because get ready Planet Earth, ... |
TheOnion | Twitter_IPO_Price_Drops_After_Investors_Realize_It_Means_Partly_Owning_Jeremy_s_Feed | Hillary Clinton quietly asks Bill if he still finds her electable. A giant burrito is going to solve all of an area man's problems for three precious minutes and the nation is not about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics. This video will utilize auditory tones and flashing images to stimulate your memory of... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_119_DMA_s_Johnny_Took | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live in the old city district downtown Batooter. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and of course Errol Parker, edito... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Unusual_Vampire_Variations | Today we're talking about some unusual vampire variations. These are films that take the classic vampire myth and put a little spin on them. So guys, what are some of the basic criteria to be a vampire? Take fangs. Drinks human blood. You can't go out during the daytime. Okay, and what do you have if you take away all ... |
cracked | celebs_who_turned_down_the_opportunity_to_host_snl | 2007 was a big year for Michael Cera. Rolls and Superbad and Juno launched his career into supernova status.
That's when he got the offer to host SNL, but he said, there was a point where I wanted to stop taking jobs that would make me more famous. I was kinda having a bit of a crisis. I was really not enjoying the le... |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_6 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. I'm Claude Barker. With me, as always, is Jerome Bettis Jerome. In my two months of broadcast experience, I have never experienced anything like what we just saw. If you're just tuning in, moments ago, Margaret Valentine went batshit crazy on the roof,... |
TheOnion | Device_Prevents_Nick_Nolte_From_Driving | American roads are about to get a lot safer.
A new federal ruling mandates that all new vehicles must be equipped with an in-car safety device that detects whether the driver is actor Nick Nolte. Starting in 2009, every new vehicle must contain a certified anti-Nolte steering wheel.
If you start in Jefferson in Paris... |
Fitzthistlewits | farming_simulator_2013_review | I think everyone, at some point in their lives, has dreamed of becoming a farmer. Ah, the blue skies and the golden fields, the smell of horse manure and incest on the wind. Unfortunately, thanks to the damn industrial revolution, farming is no longer a viable career choice for illiterate serfs like you and me. Fucking... |
dropout | ronda_rousey_vs_everything | What an amazing display! Ronda Rousey has just defeated Bitch Kalea in only 34 seconds! Is there anything this woman isn't capable of? Hold the phone, Mike. It looks like she's not done yet!
Oh my goodness, folks. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Ronda Rousey, Fresh Off Her Wind, is celebrating by watching all three L... |
TheOnion | Biden_Announces_Nation_Can_Stay_Up_Till_9_30_Tonight | President Joe Biden has announced that the nation can stay up until 9.30 tonight. Yay! According to the White House, if all 330 million Americans get into their pajamas right now, they can stay up over an hour after their bedtime. So long as the nation behaves, Americans will also get to eat one Oreo cookie and maybe e... |
dropout | boston_charms_cereal | Wow, a rainbow! Marshmallow! Oh, what the hell are you kids doing? You see some cereal on the porch and she's gonna eat it? Screw. Nick! Back inside! Jesus Christ. All right, here we go.
I'm Mickey the Mass Haul, and these are my Boston Chomps. Boston Chomps is full of sick, nasty marshmallows and some oat shit. Shout... |
TheOnion | Ho_Ho_Ho_A_Cabal_Of_Elite_Pedophiles_Is_Trying_To_Kill_Me | Ho ho ho ho ho! Season's greetings from your old friend Santa!
Christmas is only a few short days away and Santa Claus is hard at work getting ready to deliver presents to all his favorite children around the world. And while plenty of you have made Santa's nice list this year, Old Saint Nick has unfortunately heard t... |
TheOnion | Should_The_NFL_Do_More_To_Protect_Quarterbacks_From_Themselves | Put on your sweatpants, folks, because we're talking about the NFL's hottest topic. It's obvious the league has prioritized player safety in the last few years, but with franchise quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers ailing from a serious knee injury and Jimmy Garoppolo out for the season with a torn ACL, it bears asking if... |
cracked | internet_troll_hall_of_fame_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and the verb to troll has come to mean just generally being a dick Which is a shame because it can be a beautiful art form calling Just any unattractive mean person a troll is like a parent call... |
dropout | pandhandler_pranks_entire_subway_car | Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? I'm not a crook, I'm not out here selling candy for no basketball team. I'm just an honest, hardworking man trying to make a living. I'm not here to beg, ladies and gentlemen, things are actually going pretty well for me right now.
I used to live in a... |
cracked | the_unfortunate_truth_about_the_civil_war | Hey, I'm Zorabi Kangaga and as a former middle school history teacher I take special pleasure in clearing up widely believed historical misconceptions like how Napoleon wasn't really that short Or how Vikings didn't actually have horns on their helmets Or how George Washington was so obsessed with ice cream and he boug... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_peek_at_pico_snl | Welcome to a Pica Pico Pico Rivera's number one public access talk show. I'm Vanessa, I'm Sophia and on this show we talk about everything happening and Pico Rivera from the good to the bad. So like, what'd you get into this weekend Chica?
I got a new eyeliner. I was gonna say I saw that it was good. Yeah laying and p... |
TheOnion | Mitt_Romney_Graciously_Accepts_Thing_He_Has_Paid_Millions_Of_Dollars_For | A hot new murder craze sweeps Chicago. Things that shouldn't be said in modern society are said 1400 times at the RNC, and a brave woman enters a restaurant without first looking it up online. Experts call this video a highly addictive gateway to more dangerous weekly news recaps. This is the Onion Week in Review. Exci... |
dropout | every_hitman_s_worst_nightmare | Dude, did I tell you? I'm on the jury for a big murder trial. Whoa. Should you be talking about that?
Whatever. It's fine. What are they gonna do? I mean, I don't know. It just seems legally dubious to me. Yeah, it's fine. They're not gonna do anything.
So it's this big mob boss, right? And he's like super, like, con... |
TheOnion | New_Psychedelic_Weight_Loss_Drug_Transforms_Food_Into_Monstrous_Hallucinations | Thanks, Brooke.
Last month, the FDA approved Helusex, a new class of weight loss drug that helps users avoid overeating by producing nightmarish hallucinations whenever food is around. Now, unlike traditional weight loss drugs that work by speeding up the metabolism or preventing the absorption of fat, Helusex targets... |
cracked | 6_types_of_youtube_videos_that_there_are_waaaay_too_many_of_does_not_compute | Hey internet, anything new?
No, of course not. You're the same watered-down, asinine, inanity, meaningless swill where assholes imitate my sizable work as if Michael Swain won't. Uh, I mind. Acronym Rage Loop, sorry. It's just... I did some Altavista-ing and did you know this isn't the only show deconstructing interne... |
dropout | inside_abraham_lincoln_s_oval_office_in_360 | So what's first on the old presidential agenda the South here basses seeds from the Union because we hate you not my president I'm not president. You can't secede. It's illegal. Is that actually true?
You're gonna take our slaves Actually, we're pretending that this is about states rights. Oh, I thought it was about s... |
SaturdayNightLive | chain_gang_snl | Lord, it's Hot! Georgia and July is hotter than a blister bug and a pepper patch. And don't the war didn't know it.
All right, boys. back to work now. these rocks, they ain't gonna break themselves. and get happy now. I wanna see some smiles. coolest night, mama never taught me wrong from right.
Now I'm doin' time in... |
ClickHole | thirtysomethings_remember_the_first_time_they_ever_played_mario | I definitely remember the first time I played Mario. Wow, that takes me back. The little red handyman and his terrible bulk? Yeah, I remember. I'm like having a flashback.
It was the summer of Reagan, and my older brother told me he had a secret.
He brought me into the den where there was this little great box by the... |
dropout | see_plum_run_official_music_video | She got them books, she got them books She got them books, look, she got them books Got them titties so smart, these are backpack ride Got them blessin' so smart, there's a book inside She got them looks, she got them books She got them looks, look, she got them books She's got an ass that's thick as her glasses Got an... |
dropout | this_heist_plan_looks_like_crap_heist_night_3_5 | Thanks to Rekha's hard drive, we have the entire floor plan of the casino. Now, I'm airdropping you all an interactive map, so we'll each have our own.
Oh, wow, this looks great. Yeah, wow, this is really something. You've got a real talent. Thank you, thank you. Now, gentlemen, once we are on the floor, that's when t... |
dropout | worst_catfish_ever | Can I help you? We're looking for the girlfriend of Army Private Daniel Ryan. Is this the home of Cheryl Mulligan?
Oh god, no! He's dead! No!
Sorry, sir, but we need to speak with Miss Mulligan. I'm Cheryl! I've been catfishing this dude. I can't believe he's gone! Wait, are you telling that Cheryl doesn't exist?
Ki... |
cracked | movies_with_great_endings_and_horribly_depressing_epilogues_ray_chicago | Every year after Hollywood's supply of explosions runs out at the end of the summer, audiences get to relax by watching smaller, more realistic movies based on real people, like Sully and Machete. These true stories tend to be inspiring tales meant to uplift the human soul and hopefully score an Oscar nomination or ten... |
TheOnion | Advocacy_Group_Decries_PETA_s_Inhumane_Treatment_Of_Women | A women's rights group demonstrated outside the headquarters of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals today, protesting the group's, quote, degrading and exploitative treatment of women. PETA has come under increasing criticism for its ongoing ad campaign featuring nude or semi-nude women in sexually provocative ... |
dropout | hardly_working_stewie_keychain | I don't know, I just feel like I've been running out of patience lately. That's probably fine, you were never really a doctor anyway. I guess you're right.
Oh by the way, have you seen Sam lately? He borrowed my book and hasn't been around all week.
David, you'll never guess what I got at the mall. A stupid overprice... |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_4 | Last time, on Street Fighter the later years... We should reorganize. Start another tournament here in the city.
Chun Li is... she's a little upset with me. Why is that? I killed her father. Your Monopoly may be a ninja. Tell Sagat how Sagats can help. Kill them all. I don't know, Bison. She's not going to be happy to... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_heidi_gardner_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the third Republican Debate was held this week, and Vivek Ramaswamy started by saying that the Gop had become a Party of Losers. weirdly, a Party of Losers was also how Nb... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Mamma_Mia_Here_We_Go_Again | Let's get the party started. Grandma, you weren't invited. That's the best kind of party, little girl.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be discussing Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, a sequel to the 2008 jukebox musical Mamma Mia!, and a film which you can either choose to enjoy for th... |
TheOnion | dr_good_has_died_and_it_s_audience_nap_time_dr_good_ep_8 | Today on the show we had planned to show you the safest ways to fuck in a jacuzzi, but as you are all aware, Dr. Goode tragically passed away this weekend very suddenly and for no reason. It seems that the SIDS that he survived as a child finally claimed him as an adult. I mean, he was in perfect health.
Really it jus... |
TheOnion | Meteorologists_Predict_Worst_Autumn_Ever | The Northeast is being pummeled today by the first strike of what weather experts are saying could shape up to be the worst autumn on record. For the latest on this extreme weather watch alert, let's go to weather reporter Kevin Fisher and the Onion News Network Live 365 total weather coverage super tower. Kevin, what ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Exorcist | Let's look at the 1973 masterpiece, The Exorcist, a classic that is often considered to be the greatest horror film of all time, and the movie that finally brought me back to the Catholic Church after years of searching and doubt.
Upon its release, The Exorcist shocked audiences with its unrelenting terror, but it als... |
ClickHole | this_father_is_pulling_out_all_the_stops_to_ensure_his_daughter_s_first_memory_is_his_smiling_face | A child's first memory is a defining moment in their life. It's something they'll always remember as the beginning of everything, the start of it all. It should be comforting and joyful. That's why I'm doing everything I can to make sure that my daughter's first memory is of my smiling face. Look at daddy. I don't know... |
dropout | oh_no_why_is_this_trending | Welcome to the game everyone plays when they log on to Twitter. Oh no, why is this trending? Hello, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Oh No, Why Is This Trending? Now, if you've ever been on Twitter, I don't need to explain the rules to you.
You know how this works. You guys ready to play? Oh yeah. Happy... |
SaturdayNightLive | spartan_cheerleaders_at_tryouts_snl | I think it's over here, but I can't find it, I'm trying to find it. Wait, I found the switch. I found the switch. put it on, turn it on.
Oh, okay, great. Oh my God. do you realize the Triads are in seven hours? Yes. I can't believe we snuck into the gym to practice our chairs. how did you learn to jimmy Adore? Where e... |
TheOnion | Ohio_Replaces_Lethal_Injection_With_Humane_New_Head_Ripping_Off_Machine | Facing mounting criticism that lethal injection is cruel and outdated, Ohio has replaced it with a system that quickly and humanely rips off the heads of death row inmates using powerful robotic arms. The new device is designed to be as humane as possible, emitting soothing white noise and putting prisoners on a cushio... |
Wizards_with_Guns | three_straight_guys | Three Straight Guys was filmed in front of a live studio, Jerry.
Nope, Go Fish. I don't get it. Why is this game called Go Fish? We're not even fishing. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Your game sure does stink like fish. I don't get it, Danny. How are you so good at this game?
Well, Cliff, let's just say I always hav... |
cracked | 5_terrible_first_drafts_of_iconic_characters_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Yeah. Look at that guy. Still believe in the world belongs to him. Spoilers, jerk. Nah.
Hey, speaking of seeing two versions of the same thing and one of them is clearly worse, today's episode explores- Look, I respect and understand that no one just creates a masterpiece from scratch. I understand the concept of roug... |
dropout | hardly_working_metaphorical_preacher | Best breakfast ever. Yeah, you know what though? Still hungry. Good day brothers and sisters. Yo Pat, welcome back. That was a seminary. As the Lord showed King Ahasuerus the true way, Shoya showed me my path. Ecclesiastes 22-14. Jesus. Guys, I'm messing with you. It was fine I guess. It's still me, alright?
Hey, pizz... |
dropout | fanta_for_the_funny_episode_3 | The bugs. The bugs?
Sparts Let's take it easy, okay? Whatever Okay Are you ready? Let's go! Aaaaaahh Aaahh Aahh Aahh We're at four What? I hate those horror movies where somebody just happened to catch the creepy stuff on camera. Like, what are the chances you got to go with it? Thanks! Thanks for shopping with us.
I... |
dropout | alaskan_nights_the_wildest_and_most_dangerous_theme_restaurant | Alaska, the ultimate romantic backdrop with just the right amount of Arctic adventure to bring you and your loved one closer together. Because few things spice up a relationship like blasting firearms into the night and then feeling the brisk air fill your lungs as you both run from a pack of ravenous wolves.
But alas... |
Wizards_with_Guns | nic_cage_won_t_stop_destroying_priceless_artifacts_for_clues | I am! This is insane! I can't believe we did this!
We better start believing it, Daniel. Because we just stole the Constitution. There she is, in all her glory. And if we're correct, the next clue to the treasure should be hidden somewhere here. After years of searching, clue after clue, leading us here to the most im... |
cracked | if_women_s_medication_ads_gained_self_awareness | My doctor says that every woman, no matter how old, should exercise at least twice a week and maintain healthy levels of calcium. As a woman ages, her bones become brittle, like a twig, or rubbery, like taffy. Oh my god, she's doing it again.
Jesus! I think it's getting worse. What are we supposed to do? Well, I've he... |
dropout | what_it_s_like_to_have_insomnia | Hey, hey, Insomnia, I know you're trying to be friendly, but I really need to get some sleep. Oh, right. Okay, totally. Big busy day tomorrow. I know. You want me to list everything you need to do? No, that's fine.
Okay, so in the morning you have a meeting, then you've got to fix your email, because that is a total m... |
dropout | hardly_working_standing_desk | Hey Street, would you you lose your chair or something? Oh, no. No, this is just a standing desk Why what do you use for body support? Well, I use a chair. Oh, you know Pat you really shouldn't use one of those because sitting is actually killing us Yeah, I know I know that chair is killing us. I don't actually use the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Wake_Up_Call_A_Spooked_Murdoch_A_Local_Woman_s_Life_Changing_Discovery_More_May_6 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Bulletin, noisy news cycle I'm aware. We'll try and avoid discussing it too much today, we'll leave that to the rest of the media swine that are currently following our Prime Minister and ... |
dropout | Spit_In_Your_Hand_To_Honor_the_Troops_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
... |
dropout | a_proper_revenge_fantasy_the_britishes | Mr. Squint. His lordship has had the poop dream again. Please change his sheets at once.
Do I have time to fetch my glove, sir? No. Very good. You bloody self-righteous fup!
Always like, Mr. Squint, take this. Mr. Squint, do that.
I'm for busy being a donkey's left-last chick. I'm always like, yes, Mr. Fetcher, as y... |
dropout | what_is_the_coolest_way_to_quit_your_job | Today's question. What is the coolest way to quit your job?
I'm Katie Marovitch, and I am joined by Michael Trapp. That is the one who is me. Jessica McKenna. Hi there. Zachary Oyama. Hello. Zachary, would you like to begin? I would.
My first answer is, Hawaiian Skype call. What I mean by that is, you Skype into work... |
cracked | the_5_most_popular_youtube_pages_are_all_morons_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 8 of Cracked TV, where, if you're anything like me, you're starting to worry about your infatuation with Michael. Of course, I'm referring to Irish revolutionary Michael Collins. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of People, applauding inappropriately. How you doing, Clippy? What... |
cracked | why_no_cop_show_on_tv_is_accurate_yes_even_the_wire_today_s_topic | May I assume you're exporting another hit video for the site? Assume whatever the hell you want. Meanwhile, I'll be over here having just finished watching The Wire for the eighth time. Do you think I'd have to go to cop school or could I just like walk in and be a sergeant? You know, The Wire isn't that realistic.
Bl... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_62_kasey_chambers | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Here we are on the Batooter Advocate radio show down in downtown Batuu in Koala Studios and we are sitting with a special guest today, it means a lot to Errol and myself to interview her, it means a lot to the town,... |
dropout | sage_advice_from_a_31_year_old | What advice do I have for people in their 20s? 20s folk. Uh, advice for people in their 20s.
Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got some.
Use your 20s to go to the movies by yourself. When you're 30, you'll look like you alienated all of your friends, which you have. Being in your 20s is like winning the lottery, not in the se... |
SaturdayNightLive | larry_king_live_j_k_rowling_on_dumbledore_s_sexuality_snl | We're back with J.k. Rowling, author of the mega-selling fantasy series, Harry Potter. Now J.k.
Recently, you caused a media firestorm when you announced that one of your characters in your book was gay. that's correct. Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, is a homosexual. Okay, so is he one of those gay guys tha... |
SaturdayNightLive | ana_de_armas_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ana De Armas!
I speak English, but I didn't when I first got to the U.s. I was born in Cuba, came to America when I was 26, and I learned English the way everyone who comes to this country does, by watching friends. Who would have thought that the best English tutor would be Chandler Bing? I mean... |
dropout | god_s_boss_craig | Thanks, Ariel, I'll get right on these. Oh, he's coming in hot! Gatto, Jay to the hoba. How's my employee of the Willenium doing?
Fine, sir. Sir, please, who am I? Lancelot, Elton John? Call me Craig. Okay, Craig.
You see, I was actually just reviewing some prayers, so I'm kind of busy. Brass tax, dig it! Look, Heave... |
cracked | 5_times_movie_protagonists_overreacted_in_the_worst_way | I'm crack senior editor Josh Sargent and I tend to expect my movie heroes to make the right decision. That's why I'm rooting for them. In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker might be tempted by the dark side, but I know that in the end he will choose the light. And in Unforgiven, Clint Eastwood might be hesitant to kill people, ... |
cracked | 4_viral_videos_that_will_haunt_their_stars_forever_nsfwp_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 20 of Crack TV, where spelling was never a huge priority. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Me, from later in the episode. How you doing, Clippy? Woooo! Spring break!
God, I want to f**k you. Anyway, according to the teleological principles put forward by Aristotle and his p... |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_summer_edition_saturday_night_live | Well, a lot happened out in Hollywood this summer. So here to catch up on the news is David Spade with the Hollywood Minute.
David? Yes!
First of all, I saw Burt Reynolds on Tv every day, and he is really wigging out. And in music, Stone Temple Pilots were on tour. they were great the first time I saw them when they ... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_dr_brian_klaas | What is Manifest Destiny? Manifest Destiny is an ideology that was in the 1840s and 50s in the United States that America had a God-given right to take over the rest of the continent and sort of spread its values and its virtues from sea to shining sea.
So it's God's plan? That was the idea, yes. Doesn't this make you... |
CrackerMilk | you_have_to_solve_his_riddles_to_stay_alive | Stop right there!
You must answer my riddles if you want to pass through here. If you fail, I will eat your bones. First riddle, something that lives in a cavernous space.
Ah, very good! Yeah!
Really? That is a long time. What do you mean?
These are your riddles. Third riddle!
My penis burns! You have an STI. You ... |
TheOnion | Report_Every_Potential_2040_President_Already_Unelectable_Due_To_Facebook | Welcome back to the War for the White House bunker. A troubling new report from the Shuttleworth Institute shows that due to Facebook, every potential candidate for the 2040 presidential race, no matter how smart or accomplished, is now completely unelectable. I'm standing in the 2012 Democrat grid with Jason Copeland.... |
dropout | death_is_undignified | From Gangum to Gargoyle, nerds are passionate about- I'm just kidding. Hello everyone and welcome to the CH Podcast. This is not an episode of Um, Actually. This is just simply four nerds talking for a different reason. What? I'm not a nerd. Katie?
Four freaking nerds.
I was a dog. What? What did you play? Uh, I don'... |
cracked | the_cracked_christmace_special | Dan! Dan, see? See, Dan?
Okay, she's just like this when she's holding him. Just like this. Except, you know, there's a barn and there's goats all around, like, can I eat that? You know how goats are. Yeah, I know how the nativity scene goes. But then, it's all like, bamf!
Where is he?
I don't know, goat! Maybe here... |
dropout | why_every_new_macbook_needs_a_different_goddamn_charger | The new MacBook Air is the most sophisticated laptop ever created. Every element is expertly designed, from the high-resolution Retina display to the edge-to-edge keyboard and, of course, a power charging port that we changed for no goddamn reason. You wouldn't think something so simple would need to be updated every f... |
dropout | stress_treatment_a_sexy_lesbian_doctor_s_orders | Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess. With me, as always, is the beautiful Rekha.
Thank you so much for joining us. You know all the ways to join us. You can catch us on all the places where you catch your podcasts, on CH2, but if you wan... |
TheOnion | Study_Employees_Happiest_When_Pretending_To_Work_From_Home | Tech Trends, brought to you by Starbucks Double Shot. In a competitive tech world, companies are always looking to the latest trend to keep their employees productive and happy at the office. But a new study suggests that employees are actually happiest when they're simply pretending to work from home. The study from t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_06_12_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to the Weekly Batutah News Wrap. Joining me back in the Koala Mattress studios out in the Channel Country is my old mate Wendell Hussey. Thanks Bruce and thank you to the listeners for... |
SaturdayNightLive | protective_mom_snl | Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me and I just don't want you to get scared off. Louis, don't worry. we're good. Okay, whoa, Mami Minta, we're home.
I call you. no, I'm coming mama, you've been mad at my life. You're still so mad I put you in jail, Pow!
I love ... |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_life_inside_of_movie_musicals_after_hours | Four games, politics, novels, pop stars, history's greatest pop stars! Oh, it was Liszt. That one dude from Gwar with the... never mind. What they said. Craig's Liszt.
I'm just saying, why do we always have to talk about movies? Why can't we talk about literature or art or music? Oh, movie music!
How do they all do t... |
TheOnion | How_To_Know_What_Words_Mean_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey y'all, Drew Cleary with Trouble Hacking here. Today I am going to show you how to hack symbolic language and assign meaning to objects. Let's hack it!
First thing you want to do is choose the thing that you want to represent. And I am going to choose this.
It's a four-legged creature with a long back. It's grass ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_134_U_S_Election_Pre_Game_QLD_Election_Debrief_with_Charles_Croucher | It's been a big couple of weeks specifically within the Australian news cycle. We've had grand finals from both winter codes. Tomorrow we've got the Melbourne Cup and obviously Silly Season as well and truly with us. But the day after the Melbourne Cup, the race that stops the nation, we have the race that either makes... |
ClickHole | listen_to_these_history_scholars_describe_what_abraham_lincoln_sounded_like | People often imagine President Lincoln with a deeper voice, but first-hand accounts from that era consistently describe the 16th president as sounding high-pitched and very, very wet. His voice was kind of a soggy squeal, like a fire alarm that came to life and then immediately drowned. Stephen Douglas, Lincoln's rival... |
SaturdayNightLive | luvahs_surprise_birthday_party_saturday_night_live | Virginia, these cookies are delicious! Is that Annis that I taste in there? The licorice flavor you taste is from a spice known as Annis. Yeah, that's what I said, Annis.
Oh, quick! I hear the car of my lover! Histo Baru has pulled up the driveway! Everyone to your hiding areas, be swift, be swift! Hello, Virginia! I ... |
cracked | when_making_fun_of_bad_tv_isn_t_worth_it | Okay, I've got my coffee protein bar sweat towel, and I won't need another bathroom break for two hours 38 minutes You all set I am on it. I got my bucket acoustic guitar Number for an escort service this is all a jar of urine mine Rice crispy treat jar of urine someone else Michael stop. What is this? What is all this... |
dropout | peter_pan_s_ladies | Oh, Peter! Neverland was everything I hoped for! Can we return soon? Absolutely!
I have to fly, but we'll be in touch. Write me! Hey, Wendy. It's me, Peter. I'm back.
Sorry it took so long. It's just that he's in here. Oh, Peter. Oh, sorry. I forgot that you people do that. Mom, is everything okay?
Jane, Peter, Pete... |
cracked | why_they_re_lying_to_you_about_voter_fraud | Hello everyone, my name is Daniel O'Brien.
I'm the creative director for Cracked and the author of two books about presidents and how crazy they are. And true story, I once wrote an ill-advised article called So You've Kidnapped the President's Daughters. And the government made us take it off our website, sent us a s... |
TheOnion | BREAKINGNEWS_Elon_Musk_Rushed_To_Hospital_After_Attempting_To_Impregnate_Toaster | Elon Musk has been hospitalized after severely burning the lower half of his body in a failed attempt to impregnate a toaster.
Sources confirm the 52-year-old tech billionaire was airlifted without pants from Austin, Texas, to the Grossman Burn Center in Kansas City, Missouri, to undergo an experimental grafting surge... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_29_paul_kelly | He's a giant of the Australian music scene, a giant of the Australian music industry, a giant of Australian music, a man who transcends the intergenerational divide and his career has spanned generations. He's a voice that's been a constant in the lives of many across this country. We are talking about Paul Kelly of co... |
cracked | 9_child_prodigies_who_are_clearly_dangerous_mutants | Welcome to episode 10 of Crack TV, the only web series sworn to withstand the attacks of infants of merit. If you're wondering why I've had defenses crudely photoshopped into the background there, it's because today we're on alert level stork. I repeat, alert level stork! Please cock your rifles and head to the nearest... |
SaturdayNightLive | michael_b_jordan_monologue_snl | It's been a great week here at Snl. yesterday, I had a crazy, full-circle moment. we pre-shot some videos for the show, and when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles, on the soap opera, All My Children. I was 16 years old. Here's a clip. I told you in the... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_threw_it_on_the_ground_snl | I was walking through the city streets and a man walks up to me and hands me the latest energy drink. Run faster, Jump higher man.
I'm not gonna let you poison me. I threw it on the ground. You must think I'm a joke. I ain't gonna be part of your system man. Pump that garbage in another man's veins. I go to my favorit... |
dropout | trump_s_brilliant_strategy | This is crazy! It looks like Trump's tax returns were leaked, and... No, you fool! You're falling for Trump's scheme! What?
He's planning all of this. Who knows what evil stuff he's up to right now. He's looking 15? No, 20 moves into the future and getting all of his pieces in place so he can make his move.
Uh-huh. S... |
dropout | force_awakens_is_just_like_phantom_menace | The anticipation for the new Star Wars movie is killing me. This one is about a young guy on a desert planet who finds out he's sensitive to the force. He teams up with a badass brunette who's hiding a big secret. They're helped by a beloved Star Wars character who's aged just a little differently than we're used to. T... |
TheOnion | America_s_Spookiest_Ghost_Costumes_America_s_Best_Ep_2 | The judges are in for a fright as 2000 hopefuls have lined up to prove that they made America's best ghost costume. Let's start the scare.
I didn't think you'd be back after you killed that guy on set last year. I got off because I'm rich and popular, and I bet I can do it again. Wow, this is really underwhelming. Ah,... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_aubrey_plaza_amy_poehler_and_bowen_yang_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nick... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Barnaby_s_Back_Big_Spend_Up_At_Dominos_Dutton_Learns_His_Lesson_More_June_25 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin and what a week it's been just quietly. I guess we started the week with the redemption of Barnaby Joyce and the firebrand faction of the national parties is back in charge. It's ... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_4 | in the morning Jake the Man! We're gonna play an improv game Oh, oh sheesh I brought a chill ass prop Basically, it's like kind of a game where we imagine what this might be using our fun little imaginations Easy I'm holding an orange fuzzy cylindrical coat Not very imaginative Try something like this I'm the wicked wi... |
TheOnion | How_To_Play_Golf_Against_The_Man_Whose_Wife_You_re_Banging_On_The_Side | Hey, welcome back to Today Now. Stay with us, because coming up a bit later on in the show, we're going to be visited by our diet expert, who's going to show us how to lose weight by reducing our bone density. But right now, we've got one of my favorite guests here in the house.
We've got our putting green set up. We'... |
dropout | please_make_fun_of_me | See? See, it's normal.
There's no way that's a normal way to eat rice. Raph, what is that laugh? Sound like an alarm clock or something.
Hi, guys. Oh, hey, Rekha. Enjoying the office? How's your first week going? Guys, come on. You don't have to be so polite to me just because I'm new.
Okay? I can hang. Totally. Wha... |
dropout | clock_suckers_stinkin_whores | This week's episode, Stinkin' Horse. You got any food in this dump? Eh, probably not. Whoa. Careful with the fridge. The rats took over the top shelf and most of the vegetable crisper. Ow!
The big one stabbed me. Yeah, that's stabby. He, uh, he stabs people.
You know, this place is a real piece of shit.
We have the ... |
dropout | adults_can_t_wear_crop_tops | What's up? What's good? How are you? What's cooking? How was your day?
You know, mine was pretty good. Should we get appetizers for the table?
Are you going to take your coat off? Yes. Oh! You mean right now. What else would I mean? Oh! Is that new? Okay, fine!
Did I, an adult woman, see a picture of a sexy 19-year-... |
cracked | why_it_s_impossible_to_advance_a_cause_online | Hi, please join me in an exercise.
Let's pretend that you care about something now I don't mean you care as in you saw people arguing online and you fell in with the right team so that you could be Conspicuously righteous in front of everyone. I mean you really care you're passionate and wholly devoted to let's say do... |
dropout | sex_with_the_hulk | Ow! Betty, what was that for? Nothing. Sorry. Ow! Betty, what the hell?
Okay. Um, I just thought it'd be kind of fun if you, like, hulked out. What? Betty, the hulk is dangerous. It's not something to be taken lightly. Yeah, yeah, I know. Um, I just kind of wanted to see how big your hulk junk was. Ew.
No, but just l... |
dropout | troopers_rise_of_the_budget_official_trailer | I can sense something in you. A greater purpose. The will to inspire real change in our galaxy.
No way! Yes way! Soon I shall unleash a great evil onto the galaxy. All my cape are being flushed. Oh no, not again. My toilet has betrayed me! We are invisible and disposable. No, we're not!
How could she have escaped und... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.