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dropout | when_you_re_forced_to_choose_the_music | Alright, I'll get the directions loaded up if you can choose the music. Music? Yeah, get some tunes going. Tunes? Yeah. Some James. Are you ready for CJ's Force to Choose the Music? So, I'm looking through my music. What do you like? Play anything.
It's all good. Okay. I'm trying to decide. Really? Just literally anyt... |
Fitzthistlewits | crusader_kings_2_review_avi | Crusader Kings 2 is a grandiose strategy game released by Danish developers, Paradox Interactive. In the game, you play as a medieval aristocrat who wants to be a Crusader King 2. Unfortunately, I never got to play the original, as at the time of release, I was staying at the Grimsby Young Offenders institution. So I w... |
cracked | donald_trump_the_american_president_is_literally_a_fascist_more_some_news | Hi, I'm a news person, and here's some news. The president is just very bad, very bad. And we didn't want to talk about him this week, but a lot of news is just about him. I mean, we could do a segment about how vocal feminist icon Joss Whedon physically and emotionally cheated on his wife for 15 years, or how it was o... |
ClickHole | amazing_this_boy_saw_heaven_during_his_near_death_experience | Well, when I was asleep at the hospital, I felt myself floating up and up. I could see my body lying there, and then I floated to heaven.
Heaven is beautiful. There's so many colors, and the roads are made of silver, and the buildings are made of gold. The angels have beautiful white wings, and they're singing to you.... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Ask_Some_Massive_Crime_News_Minimum_Wage_Increase_Blowback_More_June_17 | Hello and welcome to the weekly Battuta News bulletin, the end of another week. It's been a great week up here in town, a lovely winter week, lots of sun, not too cold and not much of the rain so it's been quite pleasant. You'll notice that my voice is coming to you first up, once again Clancy and Errol are away on bus... |
TheOnion | Pope_Supports_Gay_Marriage_After_Meeting_Charming_Connecticut_Couple | An alarming new study finds that people suffering from stress-related disorders react poorly to being trapped in underwater elevators. A tired 398-month-old throws a tantrum, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival.
And now, an eerily perfect recap of this week's news. The Catholic Church reversed its... |
SaturdayNightLive | pilates_snl | Meredith, I feel like we shouldn't be doing this. Oh, come on, Jess. I think it'll be fun. let's go.
What is this place? Why is it so dark?
And what are these machines? Mamas, is this your first class? The Lotties. From the creator of Song X and the Marketing Director, Varello, comes a chilling new look at Girl Horro... |
cracked | why_umbrellas_used_to_be_for_women_only_cracked_history | Hm, I'd kill my favorite uncle to smell a wet dog again. Oh, hi there.
Today, we're going to be delving into the origins of a useful little device you wouldn't think twice about opening up in a public place on a rainy day like today. Ooh, a trench coat and a crowded Denny's? Christ on a cracker, no, you deviant. An um... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bernard_Fanning_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_138 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show recording down here in Budgie Smuggler Studios downtown Batooda in the old city district and today we're joined by a friend of the show I guess you'd call him, you know... |
cracked | why_people_are_still_playing_destiny_escort_mission | Destiny again? Destiny still!
You usually get bored with a game the minute becomes more gratifying to complain about it online than it is to play. I can do both, but yeah, they got me man. There was a trough for a few weeks where I was over it, but now I am completely back in for some reason. I'm sure it says somethin... |
CrackerMilk | how_to_get_back_at_your_ex | Picture this, you have to go to an event where you will see your bitch ex-girlfriend, but you have not improved yourself over the past few months and have unfortunately let yourself go. Call us at Cracker Milk for our glow up service! Our team at Cracker Milk uses your DNA to perfectly replicate a version of yourself w... |
cracked | nightcrawler_review_ft_logan_trent_aka_why_are_you_watching | I can't quite figure out how to get that transition all of us awkwardly from the countdown to the thing but hey welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies like books but better I am your host Jordan breeding and I'm by my co-host only one Jesse just me pulling double duty yeah because I... |
TheOnion | Annual_Valentine_s_Day_Stoning_Of_Happy_Couple_Held | This is the Onion News Network an impenetrable barrier against deception Well, it's that time of year when love is in the air this morning today Now's Jim Haggerty took a little field trip to witness one of the nation's favorite Valentine's traditions the annual public stoning of a disgustingly Happy couple take a look... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_13_4_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
First up, Michael C... |
dropout | internet_commenter_business_meeting | Alright guys now corporate wants us to look at the q2 numbers, but I think we're better off starting off with our research department So what do you guys think about first dick asshole douche bag photoshopped? What this chart has been photoshopped. I made this myself well. It's gay gay Your game oh slam you just got ca... |
Fitzthistlewits | battletoads_mass_effect_review_avi | Battletoads was a sci-fi RPG action game released by Rare in the year of our lord, 1990. It was very much the mass effect of its generation, but which is better? The answer is mass. Battletoads has horrible graphics. Just look at the megabytes.
How many are there? Four? Five? I don't know.
It looks awful. A blind chi... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_two_cicadas_on_the_largest_cicada_emergence_snl | Party rockers in the house tonight. Wow, you guys, you guys are in a good mood. cause it is finally time to party.
I've been on the ground since 2007. and I've been on the ground since 2000.
I start winning. we're here now and we got one wild summer to mingle, mate and chirp as much as we please. Look, I'm not going ... |
dropout | my_little_brony | Oh wow! This must be our new home! I can't wait to get played with by some beautiful little girl. She'll brush our hair, and we'll have tea parties, and maybe we'll even- My little pony, my little pony, ahhh Oh no! GRONIE! We didn't get a little girl at all. We got an emotionally stunted grown man! What does he want wi... |
dropout | your_mother | Paging Dr. Gerbins, Dr. Gerbins to the security board. How is she? Well, it's a good thing you brought her in today, but I'm not sure there's much I can do for her. What do you mean? Listen, Jeff, your mother, she's just so obese.
I know. I don't think you do know.
Well, how obese is she? Your mother is so obese that... |
dropout | praying_mantis_woman_kingpin_katie_full_episode | Yeah, obviously. Can we get back to the pitch meeting? You guys knew about this? Yeah. That's like your thing, right?
Like you're neurotic and paranoid and you do a ton of cocaine. And you have lupus and insomnia and don't have any close friends. People typically like you at first and then they get to know you and the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_113_Sir_Bob_Geldof | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show recording live from the Dom and Tina Shire and the Old City District here at Desert Rock FM. Now you're joined today by of course myself Clancy Overall editor of the ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Australian_Media_Bias_with_Toilet_Paper_Australia | Welcome to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live from Melbourne.
We're hungover. That's true. We were at the comedy festival last night. When were we, Wendell? Yeah, we were.
A lot of laughs, but it has taken its toll. Three live comedy shows back to back I watched last night. That was a big shift.
Give us a... |
dropout | hardly_working_compliments | Best adapted screenplay Oscar pick.
One, two, three. Jumper.
I knew it.
Hey, what's up, Sarah?
Wow, you look really good today. Oh, thank you, Dan. Yeah, well, I think you look good every day, so I really didn't feel the need to say it this time. Thank you, Patrick. Yeah, well, I assumed she already knew that. Oh, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_molly_kearney_on_going_home_for_the_holidays_snl | Experts are predicting that over 100 million Americans will travel long distance this holiday season. here to comment on going home for the holidays is cast member and resident Sweetie Pie, Molly Carney. Hey, Molly. So, where are you going for the holidays? Oh, the most magical place on earth. Disney World? Close. Clev... |
TheOnion | America_s_Best_Scatter_America_s_Best_Ep_5 | Oh, s**t, are you kidding me? There he is. What's up, my man?
Dudes, this is my good friend Steve Wiesel from back home in San Jose. He is the sickest scat cat out there.
Please, tell me you're gonna scat for us today. Hells yeah, you know what I'm about. Oh man, this is gonna be sick. Make sure you both vote yes bec... |
SaturdayNightLive | luvahs_walter_saturday_night_live | Would anyone care for some baba ganous or hummus before we start our main course? it's so wonderful, Walter, when we're graced with a visit from you. Well, I always treasure my conferences at the university and, of course, my time with my old colleagues. I'm just so glad I got to come along. it's so beautiful here. Oh,... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ryan_lochte_on_the_fall_tv_lineup_snl | Well, the fall television season is just getting underway. here now with a preview of the fall lineup is Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte. Hey, Seth. I'm Ryan. I'm Ryan Lochte. So, uh, so, Ryan, you had a busy summer. Yeah, I was America in Olympics.
So, what are some of the new shows you're excited about?
The first... |
SaturdayNightLive | mort_mort_feingold_accountant_for_the_stars_snl | He's Martin, Martin Feingold, celebrity accountant, doing taxes for the stars. That's me! Okay, Kate Gosselin. Wait, are you angry at me? No, I just look like this. Ah, of course you do. Okay, let's look at your 2009 tax returns. Now, let's see. it says here that you listed only one dependent, and it's your dance partn... |
TheOnion | Medium_Channels_The_Spirits_Of_Old_Acquaintances_For_Awkward_Small_Talk | Coming up a little later, the 10 best careers for someone at your level of attractiveness. Oh, but right now we have something truly incredible for you.
Kenneth Quinn is a real life psychic medium who claims that he can communicate with dead acquaintances. He's written a new book. It's called Small Talk From Beyond, s... |
dropout | hardly_working_check_please | Now that's Shepherd's pie, the Queen's way. Fourth best in the Tri-Connie area, according to Yelp. Three non-consecutive beers and counting.
Ooh. Oh, guys, Pat just BBMs me. We gotta go back to the office. Do you wanna get the check? Sure. Can I check, please? I can't believe it.
That guy just walked right by you to ... |
dropout | collegehumor_s_best_special_effects | We made this sketch called movie makeup makes acting hard and at the start of the sketch there's this giant door that opens and like Zach sort of emerges from it. The door was just a flat piece of foam that people on either side raised and lowered as evenly as they could to make it look mechanical. I think at one point... |
dropout | the_worst_video_game_controller_ever_made | Wait, why are we working? We could be playing video games. Yeah, this is dumb. Let's go! I thought we had enough controllers. Oh, I do. As long as you're cool with using them.
Food. Body. Free.
A jaw dog's controller? Come on, it works fine. Why is it so light when it's so much bigger than yours? Is it missing parts?... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_on_being_a_proud_Greek_Australian_storyteller | Firstly, I want to say thank you very much for having forged such a great film career while being Greek. I think that definitely helped me getting into the arts a little bit, convincing my parents. And I guess because of that, the question I've always wanted to ask you, being Greek is so core to who I am and the lens i... |
dropout | the_employee_who_screams_in_the_bathroom | $1.5 million units? What do I have to do to get you to go to $2 million? You'll go to $2 million?
Dad, you're my favorite customer, buddy. Love doing business with you. Oh, man, congrats. Another sale? You're on fire today, Mark. Look, I know you're new to the company, but I'm the best salesman around here, OK?
And I... |
SaturdayNightLive | kelly_cola_saturday_night_live | So what's Mr. Kelly like? I've worked here seven years.
I've never even met him. I've never met him either.
Oh, I hope he's not a yeller. I hate people who yell. they make me very nervous. Dale, Whatever you do, don't get nervous. you know what happens when you get nervous. Really Dale. just relax. Okay, just take a ... |
dropout | no_new_mikes_in_2016 | Hi, my name is Mike Trapp, and I have a special message for expecting parents everywhere. Stop naming your children Michael.
It is an indisputable fact that there are a fuck-ton of Michaels out there. Over four million in the US alone. That's a lot of Michaels. That's more than all the Zacks, Pats, Grants, and Chavons... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_grey_s_anatomy_on_wii | Alright, Grey's Anatomy Maniacs, this is the bleep bloop you've been waiting for. We are playing Grey's Anatomy on the Wii. I'm Jeff Rubin. Joining me this week, we have Dan Hopper from BestWeekEver.tv, Sarah Benancasa, host of the only talk show I know of that takes place in a bathtub, and from College Humor, Pat Gass... |
TheOnion | U_S_Closes_Final_WWII_Internment_Camp | Good morning. Before I go over the President's schedule, I have a brief announcement.
Yesterday, a librarian at the National Archives made the discovery that a Japanese-American internment facility was still in operation in the mountains of Northern California. The facility should have been closed in 1945 and its 6,00... |
cracked | the_6_worst_professional_music_videos_on_the_web_cracked_tv | Hello everybody, Drivetime Mikey here, back for the second half of our KSHT Power Hour. Sadly, the walrus was attacked by irate monkeys and has been rushed to the hospital in critical condition.
Philly Infirm is our friend from Down Under, the Aussie. Good to have you with us Aussie. Bostas, koalas, and a shrimp on th... |
cracked | how_chris_farley_changed_sarah_silverman_s_life_forever | Chris Farley inadvertently changed Sarah Silverman's life forever and he didn't even know it. Sarah was just 22 when she was hired as a featured player on Saturday Night Live.
So of course she was nervous a lot of the time, I mean that makes sense.
One day they were waiting for rehearsal, they were in 8H and they wer... |
SaturdayNightLive | vacation_giveaway_saturday_night_live | I am Cheryl Brant and you know what that means, you are watching Ultimate Vacation Giveaway! millions of you have entered for our 6th week dream vacation, but there can only be one winner and I am outside his house right now! I cannot believe it! let's go knock on that door, come on! I cannot wait to see his face! Mr. ... |
dropout | a_target_with_very_convenient_habits_heist_night_2_5 | Here's our target Rekha, she's the key to this whole thing. What we really need is her hard drive It contains her agenda, the floor plans, everything we need to pull this off. Grant and Raph, you guys have been tailing her pretty closely What have you found? As we say in England, she's tough as hell again.
Yeah, Perch... |
cracked | a_real_life_superhero_cracked_fact | Hey everybody, my name is Sorin Bui, I'm from crack.com, and I just want to share with you a cracked fact in honor of today Which is superhero day of geek week now there is a real life superhero His name is Dean Carnassus and to understand why Dean Carnassus is so special is you have to understand that when you run And... |
TheOnion | Kim_Jong_Il_s_Approval_Rating_Plummets_to_120_ | Let's move on to another topic. President Bush's approval rating often makes headlines. It's currently hovering around 25%. This week we learned that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's approval rating has dropped from 150 to 120%. So you figure these values are valid? I feel like they're inaccurate. I feel like that if ... |
TheOnion | Helpless_Typhoon_Articles_Cling_To_Life_On_Edge_Of_Reader_s_Consciousness | The U.S. continues its dependence on foreign toil. The White House announces Sasha Obama will now be played by Brittany Watkins, and a new report finds global warming is caused by 7 billion key individuals. Keep your retinas affixed to the screen until the neural configuration program has been fully implemented. Good. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_punkie_johnson_and_mikey_day_on_their_2023_oscars_predictions_snl | Well, the Oscars are almost here here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punky Johnson and Mikey Day. Alright guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars?
Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you. But when Punky and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punky, a celebrity and entertainer, does ... |
cracked | 5_scenes_that_prove_john_cena_is_one_of_the_greatest_comedic_actors_of_our_time | Bad birds about to shit. That's not gonna happen if I left it. I got birth control, I got plant B, I got that morphine from China. They took off the market, shit to make your d*** hard, shit to make your d*** soft. Hand change.
What? You know what?
I will fuck you, all right? I will enter you. All right, champ, I can... |
dropout | brody_s_other_homeland_videos | My name is Nicholas Brody. I'm a sergeant in the Marines. By the time you see this, you'll have read a lot of things about what I've done. I'm also an aspiring musician. So please rate and subscribe once I've uploaded this to my YouTube channel. All the small things, true care, truth, bring, bring. Let me just get that... |
cracked | hillary_clinton_says_some_dumb_stuff_kathy_griffin_does_some_dumb_stuff_covfefe_some_news | Hey you, here's some news.
Kathy Griffin didn't kill the president and hold up his head all bloody and warm, but she did photograph the illusion of that. And it's just another example of the tolerant and loving left supporting violence, because Kathy Griffin represents all liberals and is exactly the liberal mindset.
... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_christopher_columbus_on_statues_of_himself_and_his_discoveries_snl | This past Monday was Indigenous People's Day, and cities around the country are still divided on what to do about their statues of Christopher Columbus. Here comment is: Christopher Columbus.
Yes, Chair and Michael, it's great to discover America. Yeah, I don't know about that, but, uh, hi, Christopher. I was gonna sa... |
cracked | why_the_salem_witch_trials_were_nothing_like_you_think_hilarious_helmet_history | Welcome to Hilarious Helmet History, the show where your cultural historical misconceptions are even sillier than My Helmet. This week, My Helmet is a lady's witch hat, because we're talking about the Salem Witch Trials. You probably know the Salem Witch Trials as the spooky madness that took over a Massachusetts town,... |
dropout | don_t_blame_your_crappy_behavior_on_personality_tests | We're going to murder him though, right? Like, I mean, we found the poison, we found everything we were looking for. Yeah. Why are we dithering around? Ahem. Oh Katie, what happened?
Ugh, just got in this stupid car accident because stupid mercury is in retrograde. You don't really believe that nonsense, do you? Yeah,... |
SaturdayNightLive | can_you_pick_me_up_snl | Mom. Hailey, okay? yeah, but can you come get me? is everything all right? Yeah, I just want to come home. can you come pick me up? Okay. sure, honey. um, when they ask why, what do you want me to say? can you just make something up? And please, don't embarrass me. Oh, hi Sharon. is everything okay? Yeah, Hailey needs ... |
cracked | 7_robots_most_likely_to_rise_up_against_humanity | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode 16 of Crack TV, the only talk show hosted by an android who advocates the systematic and willful annihilation of an inferior mankind. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Foolish Humans, mistaking the random firings of neurons at the time of death as a spiritual experience. ... |
cracked | 3_super_hip_fashion_tips_for_the_complete_lunatic | Today's topic, exciting new fashions for modern women. Aloha and welcome to episode 11.6 of the Cracked Advice Board. As always, I'm your advice expert, Dr. Cohn. And assisting me today is my albino-esque sister, you've seen her, Cassandra. Women's fashion has been changing ever since its discovery in 1983. Well, now y... |
dropout | way_too_stoned_on_parents_weekend | Have you ever done one of these before? No. Bye. Knock, knock.
It's your parents, because it's Parents Weekend. Too bad you forgot about that and got insanely high. Oh my god. Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high through Parents Weekend without getting caught. How do you say you're not high? It's not min... |
dropout | comedy_sucks_with_bassem_youssef_hardly_working | Thank you so much for meeting with us, it's so awesome to be able to sit down with such a big comedian. Oh, thank you guys, it's really nice to meet all of you.
So you were essentially the Egyptian Jon Stewart and then some scary shit went down and you were forced to flee and now you live in Los Angeles? Yeah, that's ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | literally_every_conversation_in_star_wars_ | All right, come on.
You're my brother.
Exactly, exactly. You're stupid. I'm a ja'pri. Couldn't have said it better myself. Oh, you explain!
Well, you have to... Well, everything has to... You have to make sure everything happens, everything has to...
There's nothing left.
But everything has to be done. Everything ... |
cracked | 6_dumb_arguments_that_feel_like_the_end_of_the_world_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Crack Podcast Live! Welcome, everybody, to the Crack Podcast.
I'm Soren Bowie. I'll be your host for the evening.
Jack, our usual host, our editor-in-chief, is out on disability, so our thoughts are with him, obviously. I love that you didn't add a joke structure to that, but one perso... |
dropout | if_college_movies_were_honest | College, a place where young people go to expand their minds, meet new friends, and maybe have a little fun. But this group of undergrads is about to find out. Boys, get ready for the most epic semester of your lives. We're gonna have a lot of late nights. Working on our final project, analyzing cross-cultural flood my... |
TheOnion | Doctor_Recalls_Average_Looking_Sibling_Who_Inspired_Him_To_Go_Into_Cosmetic_Surgery | This is Dr. Daniel Barrett. Renowned for his work in facial enhancements and beloved by his patients, Dr. Barrett credits much of his success as a cosmetic surgeon to one person in particular. His brother, Kevin, who was born with an unexceptional face and whose average looks have plagued him throughout his life. As a ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_power_rangers_kinect | Welcome to BleepBleep. I'm Jeff Rubin. That's Justin Tyler and my co-host, Pat Cassels. Today we are playing Power Rangers Super Samurai for the Xbox Connect. I was doing a jet... Oh my God, it's me.
What do I do? Oh, they just show me? It evaluated like... You don't have what it takes. Sorry, you've scanned your BMI.... |
dropout | always_open_with_dave_koechner_with_jessica_biel | Uh, I got you a gift. Aw, I didn't get you anything.
Oh, you don't have to. Do you want to open it? Yeah. All right. Just go for it? Mm-hmm. Now think about it first. Okay, go ahead and open it. I think something might come. Box of air!
No, we can get rid of this. No.
Here's what I like to pretend. It's a philosophi... |
cracked | nov_27th_news_on_cracked_oprah_britney_obama_and_more | It's Tuesday, November 27th, and this is the News on Cracked. Oprah Winfrey has announced her support for presidential hopeful Barack Obama. Some wonder, though, whether Obama is really the candidate whose opinions mesh most closely with hers, or whether perhaps Oprah is only endorsing him because Obama is the only Dem... |
TheOnion | Troublehacker_Whenever_I_Leave_The_House_Broken_Glass_Cuts_My_Feet | Okay, having the bottoms of your feet cut up by rocks, shells, broken glass is a common but easily fixable problem. Let me show you how. There are ways to protect your feet from glass or debris. You're going to want to find strips of rubber big enough to cover the bottom of your feet. And you're going to want to put th... |
cracked | how_china_s_government_just_proved_the_future_will_be_insane_cracked_responds | Hey, have you guys heard what's going on in China? China released this video to catch everyone up on their new five-year economic plan The monsters explained that you you should put your faith in it and everyone worked really hard on it It does not explain what the plan is, but there is a plan. Yeah, they are assuring ... |
cracked | 5_unlikely_vacation_spots_from_fictional_universes | I'm Jack, I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked, and I'm thrilled to be joined by my first-time co-host. He's a hilarious comic who you probably know from being on all the podcasts. He's Mark Wahlberg on Doug Love's Movies. He co-hosts Dumb People Town with the Sklar Brothers. He's been on Bared Down, The Todd Glass Show,... |
TheOnion | Do_The_Buccaneers_Regret_Bringing_In_A_Sexual_Predator_To_Mentor_Jameis_Winston | Hey, we're talking NFL, where things are already starting to look bleak for Jamis Winston and the Tampa Bay Bucks. The 24-year-old quarterback is facing a three-game suspension for violating the league's conduct policy.
But maybe Tampa Bay deserves to share some of the blame here. When you look at some of the personne... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_massages | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabers, here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man. It's time you grew up, because you went through puberty 10 years ago. Today we're going to be talking about massages. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelc... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_relaxation_therapy_saturday_night_live | What seems to be the problem? I just feel stressed out all the time. I don't know what to do.
Well, let's try something. shut your eyes. Okay. now take a deep breath. and imagine that you're in the middle of a big, peaceful meadow all alone. a warm breeze floats by, carrying the smell of fresh flowers. the sun caresse... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_christmas_epiphany_snl | Oh, come on now, Jimbo. I'm fine. Rich, you know I'm just looking out for you.
Now, come on, give me your car keys. you ain't driving home tonight. All right. it's a good night for a walk home, Anyhow. say, Rich, what are you doing out here drinking on Christmas Eve? ain't you got no family? family? Who needs family?
... |
dropout | who_s_five_foot_seven_live | Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of YouTube Mobile Live College Humor. We are going to play a game, a very interesting game, it's near and dear to our hearts. This is a, you might have heard or seen us play a game before called Who's 57. This is something that started just among the writers where we were just... |
dropout | streeter_goes_to_whistler_bc_to_find_beautiful_women_oh_and_golfers_too_sponsored | Well, hello and welcome to the Coors Light Golf Experience. We're here in Whistler, British Columbia, and that's in Canada, but you're probably in Canada watching this, right? So you already knew that. For our American viewers, Canada is the country above you where your grandparents go to get their free medicine. You k... |
dropout | what_if_bears_killed_one_in_five_people | That's as good as it gets. Oh man, I've never had more fun my whole life. Daddy's out of beer. I'm going to go to another one.
Is your card? No. Lamorne, stop doing magic. You're not good at it.
Guys? Oh, dude. There's a bear in your other room here. What?
Oh, that's just a big, angry, hungry bear. Just pretend it's... |
cracked | if_you_could_have_dinner_and_sex_with_any_famous_figure_after_hours | Really? Zoran, what do you got a book of cocktail party icebreakers under the table? We don't have to talk about it. No, let's! Right after we discuss everyone's favorite colors. Boo! Third insult. Okay fine, what do you guys want to talk about?
The Tina Superwoman. Bad man, no. The accident of Star Wars. We did Star ... |
dropout | teen_slang_updated_for_adults | Hello, everyone, and welcome to Adult Slang 101, where we'll be teaching you how to update cool teen slang for your totally uncool adult life. Let's begin.
Throwing shade. Meaning, to talk trash. Disrespect. You stupid asshole! Hey! Unfortunately, grown-ups don't have the luxury to be so confrontational. You could be ... |
cracked | what_orange_is_the_new_black_got_wrong_about_women_s_prison_from_a_former_prisoner | Here at Cracked, we like to disabuse you of all the misconceptions Hollywood has put into your pretty little head. One glaring lie?
Prison sex. Warm flesh and blood behind cold iron bars.
Oh, it happens. But it's much less glamorous, and much more on the go, than pop culture would have you believe. So if two girls de... |
dropout | siri_argument | We have a flat tire. How do I tie a bow tie again? What's the fastest way to Hartford Hospital?
Tell my wife I'm gonna be 30 minutes late. Tell my husband I'm not surprised. Tell my wife if she has a problem with my work schedule, she's more than welcome to get a job of her own. Tell my husband that I do just as much ... |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy_part_5 | Oh, God. Hey, let's go. Let's do this.
Not again. Can you keep a duck? What are the newest shapes? What are you going to do with this information? Is Superman circumcised? Are dentists more afraid of him? No. In fact, this one killed a lion. Hot hands and feet.
Is this salt or sugar? Is what? Salt or sugar.
Upload t... |
SaturdayNightLive | shane_gillis_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis! thank you. thank you very much. Uh, it's, uh, yeah, I'm here. I, uh. most of you probably have no idea who I am. uh, I was actually. I was fired from this show, uh, a while ago, but if, you know, don't look that up, please. if you don't know who I am, please don't google that. it's f... |
ClickHole | this_woman_wrote_an_amazing_letter_to_her_younger_self | Dear 15-year-old me, I know life's been confusing for you lately, so I thought I'd drop you a line. It's a big and scary world out there, but you're going to learn that if you just go with your gut, everything's going to be OK. When it comes to matters of the heart, steer clear of the bad boys. They'll only hurt you. T... |
dropout | Moose_Running_Loose_Through_the_Mall_of_America | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the only show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm baby... |
dropout | reality_show_audition_prank | What's your name? Reggie. Yeah, ready to meet you. Oh, hi The show is called strong island. It's a reality show for a major network and Basically, we get a bunch of strong guys and we put them out in the middle of the ocean and see what happens If we have a doctor on the show That that can tell you what what types of f... |
cracked | the_surprisingly_racist_origins_of_square_dancing_in_gym_class | Remember the weeks in gym class where you'd unexpectedly drop the laps around the track and instead would learn how to square dance? Well, surprise. If you square danced in gym class, you were unknowingly participating in a super racist tradition. We're not saying swinging your partner round and round is in itself raci... |
ClickHole | are_you_ready_to_make_a_difference_take_the_pledge | I've always wanted to be part of something bigger than myself. To make a difference. You go through life and you see all this injustice, but you never really do anything about it. You don't know how. I have two little kids, so I'm always thinking about their future. Every solution begins with just one person stepping u... |
dropout | collegehumor_goes_to_hell | I have devised a most fitting punishment for each of you. Call of Worlds.
This is wow. I put a lot of thought into it. This is the perfect torment.
You slept your work days away. Well, if you love to sleep so much, sleep forever on an air mattress that loses its air every single night.
Oh my gosh, you shouldn't have... |
dropout | high_stakes_icebreaker_questions | We have our two new cast members joining us today. Lily, Teo, come on out here. Okay, so now let's get to know our two new hires with some fun icebreaker questions.
Lily, if you had to describe yourself with an adjective and a food, what would it be? Well, I'm dry and I love tuna, so I guess I'd be dry tuna. I'm also ... |
SaturdayNightLive | jacob_elordi_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, shake-out, Alordi! thank you very much. it is so exciting to be here hosting the first and so far best show of 2024. You might know me from Saltburn. not from seeing. thanks. not from seeing the film. just from seeing the Tiktoks. Like this scene. Laughter. Yeah, I was the one in the grave. But if... |
TheOnion | Is_Stress_Real_Or_Are_You_Crazy_And_It_s_All_In_Your_Head | The constant demands of modern life can seem mentally and physically overwhelming at times. But is stress real, or are you just weak and pathetic? This is the whole body. Juggling your many responsibilities may leave you feeling trapped and paralyzingly anxious. But what you call stress is nothing more than a manifesta... |
cracked | 8_great_movies_made_even_better_by_fan_theories | And fan theories that make movies better! Ooh-muh!
Darth Plagueis, so powerful and so wise, he could use the force to influence the midi-chlorians to create... T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T The Republic will be reorganized into the first New United Kingdom Empire! Oh, forgive me, Joe. I'm placing you... |
cracked | why_the_star_wars_sequel_trilogy_was_doomed_from_the_opening_crawl_yboc | Oof. God, that looks like a sarlacc eatin' a thousand chili dogs. Ugh.
Your chart? This is my chart? You're sayin' this is my... oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, hey there, you scruffy nerf herders. Some results just came in, and anyway, my name is Dr. Jordan Breedy. Okay, yeah, I see you at the top of t... |
SaturdayNightLive | regis_co_host_auditions_saturday_night_live | Kelvin, come on, Chop, Chop, let's get these auditions going for crying out loud. Okay, Reg, you're the King. whenever you're ready, babe. Look, of course I'm ready. Are you kidding me? with two hit shows and a big new contract, I'm the Man. I've got gang. 39 years in the business, Abc is now kissing my ass. Oh, and to... |
CrackerMilk | my_dna_results_don_t_make_sense | Dad, our ancestry results just got in. No way. I'm 15% Chinese.
You never told me that I'm 80% That doesn't make any sense says I'm 80% bicycle Yes, you are it doesn't make any sense I don't cough don't cough Oh males here fucking bicycle I'm a Bicycle think about it. If I take you anywhere, I strap you to the front o... |
TheOnion | Obama_Outlines_Moral_Philosophical_Justifications_For_Turkey_Pardon | President Obama announced he will address the nation tomorrow night to explain his official decision to grant a Thanksgiving Day pardon to Cranberry, the official bird chosen for the 2010 National Thanksgiving Turkey presentation. The two-hour speech entitled The Obligation of the Just will lay out President Obama's 35... |
cracked | 5_ways_little_mermaid_is_the_most_terrifying_disney_movie_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture's Word of the show I will keep doing until I die, which will be never so suck it, everyone. Today's episode explores. Am I still talking about a children's movie from 1989? At some point you're gonna have to see other movi... |
dropout | visiting_home_is_weird_on_thanksgiving | I'm Dad, I'm home! Hey, hey, hey, hey, champ! Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks, thanks, it's great to be home.
The place looks great. This guy. Oh. That's due? Look. There's like 40 or 50 photos of me on this wall.
Can you turn my bedroom into a gym? No. I turn it into a gym, slash home office.
Yeah, yeah, they're bushes ... |
TheOnion | FBI_Warns_Against_American_Dream_Scam_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_11 | A growing scam is claiming victims all across the nation, it's called the American Dream Scam, and so many have been fooled in fact that now the FBI is getting involved. And newly discovered scrolls are giving believers more insight into the history of Christ. Could Jesus have devoured a twin messiah in the womb as the... |
cracked | jeff_daniels_almost_passed_out_filming_that_dumb_and_dumber_scene | Jeff Daniels almost passed out on the toilet while he was filming that dum-and-dummer scene. And it was quite the journey just to get him there. Jeff told USA Today, I had agents who weren't wrong telling me, you're a serious actor. This is not the direction you need to be going. We're gonna stop this and get you off t... |
cracked | do_zombies_make_for_the_perfect_horror_movie_staff_picks | What's one of the first recorded things that was projected in the theater?
It was a train coming up. Oh, the train coming to the station.
People went on in an exodus because they were like, I can't, I can't. They can't literally.
I literally brought that up. So my pick is train moving to the station. On that note. Y... |
TheOnion | Gun_Owner_Explains_Why_He_Needs_Weapon_To_Protect_Self_From_Gun_He_Currently_Holding_To_Own_Head | Living in America today has never felt more unsafe. Rampant crime, mass shootings, and with so many illegal weapons on the street, it feels like we're in constant danger. While I wish it weren't the case, sometimes it feels like owning a gun is truly the only way to protect myself from the gun I'm holding against my ow... |
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