section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
cracked | 4_background_characters_that_deserve_their_own_solo_movies_yboc | Hey there nerds, it's me Batman. I'm just kidding, it's Jordan. Tricked ya. As always, I'm your unmasked vigilante hero, Dr. Jordan Breeding.
And behind the camera, we once again have Dave, the ghost of an alien from the 51st century, trapped in the body of a cyborg-tiger-human hybrid. Let's forget about Dave, and the... |
Wizards_with_Guns | classic_frat_bros | What's up bros? Hey, what's up bros? Hey, what's up?
So, absolutely epic rager last night guys. That was so crazy when we pushed Dean Sinnix out of his wheelchair.
Seriously bro, could you pass me one of those peaches right there? Yeah dude, catch bro.
Sick. But yeah, no last night.
Pass me that peach. You got it b... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gil_graham_summer_concert_review_saturday_night_live | And now, here with this summer's concert reviews, is our very own Rock and Roll correspondent, Gil Graham. Gil, welcome. thanks, Norm. Well, it was a long summer, so let's dispense with the preliminaries and get to the Rock and Roll.
June 17, Toronto's Exhibition Stadium. that's right. these stones are bad, and yours ... |
dropout | getting_drunk_on_wine_hot_date | We used to drink way too much beer. I'm glad we're responsible now. And drink too much wine instead. After all those years of pounding brews, I knew I had to do something healthy. Like pound wine. Wine is good for you. Antioxidants, polyphenols, grapes.
I read an article about it one time. My aunt shared it on Faceboo... |
cracked | four_creepy_hidden_truths_behind_popular_scary_stories_after_hours | No, I've got one true story It happened to four people just like us in these very woods. Just like us that is until they saw a strange light in the sky Aliens really don't ruin it if you've heard it until they saw a mysterious light in the sky and Aliens abducted them and did butt stuff to them Yeah, what is it about c... |
cracked | the_world_s_most_horrifying_toilets_does_not_compute_cracked_throwback | Hey everybody, welcome to episode Boogaloo Does Not Compute, boldly going where, in retrospect, we probably shouldn't have. I'm your host, Mystery Science, and my co-host today is YouTube relationship expert Steve Rooster 85. Thanks for being on the show, Mr. Rooster.
Cool! So, uh, tell me, what are your thoughts, if ... |
TheOnion | Stabbing_Ignorance_With_Glass_Ceiling_Shards_Onion_Talks_Ep_10 | In 2009, they made a big deal out of women making up more than 50% of the workforce worldwide. The glass ceiling is shattered, they said. But of the 190 heads of state worldwide, only nine are women. And we all know, a woman only makes 77% of what a man makes for doing the exact same job. The masters of the status quo ... |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_denise_s_friend | Hi and welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Our makeup artist today is Hannah.
Hannah, are you re... |
CrackerMilk | they_re_trying_to_cancel_us_ | Hey guys, things have gotten a lot worse YouTube is kind of fun fact YouTube's on our ass about this shit. Like look at this shit Last video we did fucking demonetized bro. YouTube are keeping us poor. They just want to fucking rail us This is us on a nice stroll down to the shop and YouTube comes out swinging do you h... |
cracked | 4_movie_heroes_who_would_be_villains_today | Our favorite movies don't always hold up as well as we'd like them to. Their characters remain trapped in whatever decade in which they were created, so that when we revisit them later, we find that some of the cinematic heroes we loved when we were younger are now just time capsules of horribleness, bulging, sweaty wa... |
TheOnion | Tough_Season_The_Draft_Season_1_Ep_2_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | Draft day. The culmination of months of tears, sweat, and preparation. A day when the heroes of the league are crafted, and nightmare seasons are birthed, screaming into their owners' laps. When the sheep are separated from the goats, and the proud horses separated from the sheep.
Nemesis. Noun. An opponent or rival w... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_225_YUNGBLUD | Hey y'all it's Effie Bateman here and at the start of the interview you'll hear us talking about Splendour in the Grass and this is because we recorded this episode a few weeks ago and we've been itching to release it but had to put the foot on the pedal until our guest had released his self-titled album Youngblood. So... |
cracked | 4_tiny_creatures_that_prove_camping_isn_t_worth_it_today_s_topic | Why did you do that?
Bears! You stick all your food in a bag that masks the smell, and if that doesn't work, you stick it in a tree far away from your camp so bears don't bother you. Why do you hate bears? Are you a species racist? A speecist? No, Michael, I don't... I don't know any bears, so I probably don't hate th... |
dropout | airplane_jousting_with_richard_branson | Oh hello, thank you for flying on our new fleet of planes by me, Richard Branson. What sets us apart from other airlines? Reach under your seat. What's that? Treasure. Virgin Elite has more treasure per seat than the leading airline.
Check out your window during our flight and you'll see we're in space. This plane can... |
cracked | young_chris_farley_cheered_on_the_ghostbusters_during_an_oprah_taping | The cast was on a full press tour, from The Tonight Show to Oprah. As far as we know, it's the only episode in the show's history in which Oprah shoves her hand into a bucket of psycho-magna-thermic slime. But what's most fascinating about this particular show is the audience. Specifically, one audience member who appe... |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_5 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. We're here in sunny Fort Lee, New Jersey, and I'm Claude Barker with me as always, Jerome Bettis. The turtles have just entered the final quarter of the race, which in many ways is like the final quarter of a football game. The crowd's electric, the st... |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_guy_s_still_selling_cursed_magic_items_and_getting_away_with_it_ | Welcome back to Hornos Hold, now if you're just now joining us we have a fantastic line up of magical trinkets and marvelous items all at prices that simply cannot be beat. And remember folks, if you order Flesidio's Wand of Limp-ness now, we will throw in a Cyclops Sleep Mask and an Abracadabra-cus all for the low low... |
dropout | if_you_competed_in_the_olympics | Hello and welcome back to Rio de Janeiro and the 2016 Summer Olympics.
We've seen people at the very peak of human physical ability and there's plenty more action to come. Up next, Siobhan Thompson. She's a little old to be in this competition, isn't she? Yes. Many competitors are 10 or 15 years younger than she is an... |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_8 | Last time, on Street Fighter, the later years... Oh, but no. He needed someone to steal my identity. If you do not help your friends, this may be their final fight. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first battle of the Street Fighter Tournament?
Ready? Fight! What are you doing? Is this what we talked about?... |
TheOnion | NHL_Star_Called_Up_To_Big_Leagues_To_Play_For_NFL | Up next it's the sort of story that makes us all feel good a case of the little guy getting a shot at the big Leagues earlier today star winger for the Washington Capitals Alexander Ovechkin was called up to the NFL's Miami Dolphins Joining us now to talk about it is senior NFL correspondent Reggie Greengrass Reggie wh... |
cracked | coolest_space_news_no_one_is_reporting | Hey, Cody. Oh, hey, I'm glad you're looking to the heavens because there's a lot going on in space Oh, yeah, everybody's hung up on politics and all the other crazy things going on on this planet Space is super interesting right now and nobody's talking about it. Let's let's do it.
So there's this probe called Osiris ... |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Warcraft_Sequel_Lets_You_Play_A_Character_Playing_Warcraft | Video game players celebrated this week as a hotly anticipated sequel to the popular online video game World of Warcraft hit the shelves. Onion News Network Tech Trends has the story. World of Warcraft, it has nine million players worldwide, many who say they spend hundreds of hours playing the game every week. Here at... |
dropout | we_have_to_keep_talking_about_my_problems | Anyway, they say it's totaled. That sucks. That guy's insurance is going to pay for it though, right? I mean, they should, but I just know I'm going to have to go out of pocket on something.
Oh god. It's just the worst. I'm sorry, Grant.
Oh hey, have you guys heard when we're shooting if Donald Trump were a Facebook ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trend_forecasters_on_today_s_most_popular_trends_snl | Advertiser companies are mining online data in order to predict consumer trends. Here to comment are two trend forecasters. Miles, Okay, so you're here to share your data on today's most popular trends. Yes, we are tracking the trends with a big, old, mean computer. the numbers are in, and the trends have been cast. He... |
dropout | jake_amir_and_penis_shaped_nipples_ch_comment_show | Welcome to the comment show. A very special comment show because I'm joined by two newcomers to the show. Is it special because we're newcomers or is it special because we're cool? These questions, I believe these questions in this very special episode are all specifically for you guys, for Jake come here.
Are these c... |
dropout | the_most_disturbing_asmr_video | This is an ASMR video. Sit back and listen closely for a pleasurable, tingling sensation.
Welcome to my hair salon. I'm a hair cutter. It's going to be a very relaxing haircut. I'm going to use my favorite brush and my favorite pair of scissors. I am a robber, and I'm here to rob my hair salon.
So I'd like you to tak... |
cracked | 9_adorable_animals_that_ll_eat_you_if_given_the_chance | Ah, nature. The tough but fair single mother to us all. While she may seem strict and even ruthless at times, at least she gives us clear concrete rules that govern our lives. The plant eaters eat the plants, the meat eaters eat the meats, and the omnivores eat the everythings. Simple. Every animal knows the rules, and... |
dropout | the_social_music_experiment_experiment_3_can_music_settle_a_fight | Music. It can do anything. Get you high. Get you naked. Get you laid.
Today's question, can music settle a fight? Which is important to me right now because I'm kind of in the middle of one. Can you tell by looking at two people which is the unreasonable one? Well... Let's pretend like we're having a difficult one. Le... |
cracked | why_the_wizard_of_oz_is_worse_than_you_remember_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel, it sure is hard growing up with an apostrophe in your name for like Scantrons and stuff, O'Brien. And welcome to another forgettable episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. The only show on the internet that is called that, I think. When we came up with the show, we didn't have law... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_james_coburn_on_how_to_order_a_drink_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, James Covers and the cast of Saturday Night Live! Listen, everybody, it's going to be a fantastic night tonight. Yeah. Jim, before we get started, You coming to party after the show? uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am, but, uh. because, um, I'm coming down with a couple of ladies, and we'd like you to ord... |
TheOnion | Other_Guy_Named_Osama_Bin_Laden_Can_Finally_Relax | The violent death of a human being is terrific news for once. The other person in the world named Osama bin Laden can finally relax. And the bullet that killed the notorious terrorist is a guest on Good Morning America. It's the week of Osama bin Laden's grisly murder and this is The Onion Review. Al Qaeda leader Osama... |
dropout | True_Facts_About_Grant_Anthony_O_Brien | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
... |
dropout | drunk_dial_gets_animated | Hey this is Trisha's phone, leave a message. Hey Trisha, this is me, the guy you met at the bar. I know you didn't technically give me your number but I told one of your friends that I was worried about your health and I knew a psychiatrist that could maybe help you out at the slope.
Doesn't this feel like swiggers? Y... |
dropout | fomo_horror_movie_trailer_with_anna_camp | Yeah, I've been hearing about lots of crazy things happening tonight. Things you don't forget. Things people be talking about for weeks. Dana, what is it?
It's nobody. Everyone must be hanging out somewhere else. Guess you're missing out. Randy Talbert's parents are letting him have a party and they're about to play t... |
cracked | why_sarcasm_is_necessary_for_civilization_stuff_that_must_have_happened | you killed a lot of guys thank you you too no I mean it I saw you when I had some downtime out in the meadow and you were doing some great killing I mean that one guy with the axe where did he come from yes I can't believe you saw that I was already really tired and then I see this guy scream and charge down the hill a... |
dropout | hardly_working_gear_up | What happened? I was coming into work and I saw these thugs breaking into the Nestee delivery van. We need to call the cops. You think the cops are going to help you? This city is a pit of despair.
Team... Gear up! Whoa! Let's do it!
Hold up. I think I brought the wrong shoes. Alright. These punks are going to get wh... |
TheOnion | Supreme_Court_Death_Penalty_Is_Totally_Badass | In Washington today the US Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision despite the growing number of death row inmates who've been Exonerated due to DNA evidence the court reaffirmed the legality of the death penalty on the grounds that it is quote totally badass For more on the case we go live now to Onion News Netw... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_s_first_weekend_update_saturday_night_live | It's springtime in New York and thousands of tourists are coming to the city here. Now with some tips on the best New York spots to check out is our City Correspondent, Stefan. Hey hey Stefan, uh, are you okay? you seem different. I've had a weird few years, so Stefan, um, you know, families time your families are comi... |
TheOnion | NASA_Scientists_Plan_To_Approach_Girl_By_2018 | I'm pleased to announce that NASA has entered the planning stages of a mission to approach that cute girl from the laundromat by 2018. Senior project scientists Dr. Adam Thompson and Dr. Carson Harper discovered the girl three months ago at a Houston area sudden save between dryers four and five, giving her the name Th... |
dropout | tiger_woods_voicemail_extended | Hey, it's, uh, Tiger.
I need you to do me a huge favor. Uh, can you please, uh, take your name off your voicemail? My wife went through my phone and, uh, may be calling you. You've got to do this for me.
Huge, quickly. Alright, bye. Oh, uh, also your Facebook photo album with all those pictures of us together. Could ... |
cracked | why_disney_princesses_make_the_worst_roommates_disney_parody | Nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah.
Thought you were apartment hunting today Ariel. Exactly how long do you think you are going to stay here? Oh, I'm sorry. I promise it's just until I get back on my... What do you call them? Yeah look, I'm real happy that you left Prince Eric. I mean, you really shouldn't move in with ... |
SaturdayNightLive | c_span_jimmy_carter_meets_fidel_castro_cold_open_snl | Later on C-span, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2.40 A.m. Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates and stuff like that.
But first, this week, former President Jimmy Carter made a his... |
cracked | why_every_movie_trailer_is_the_same | 11 specific ways movie trailers look the same. I felt a lot like this before.
I wanna buy you a new car. What have I done? Dammit! Swear jar! The swear jar is all the money we have to send you to college, so you should be happy I curse. Hey! Stop! Put the barrier!
I don't wanna be your... I don't.
He has pneumonia. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | rudy_giuliani_cold_opening_world_series_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, his honor, the Mayor of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani. good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, our beloved Yankees are in the World Series for the second straight year. we hoped for a Subway series. unfortunately, it was not to be. but we should still be proud of our Mets who never gave... |
dropout | all_24_types_of_males_explained | Not sure what kind of man you are? Relax, bro. Just kick back and watch this list to find out.
Alphas are bold, traditionally masculine figures endowed with raw, sexual confidence. Unlike alphas, betas are kind and docile introverts that prefer deeper, more intimate relationships. Gammas are similar to betas, except e... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_should_the_royal_family_be_abolished | The Royal Family is the best reality show on TV entitled Rich People, Weird Family Members, Pretty Little Princesses, VH1 should buy England. Let the British have the Royal Family. It's like Doctor Who or driving on the wrong side of the road. It's important to them and it's not hurting anybody. The great thing about E... |
cracked | demolition_man_review_aka_insecure_heterosexual_males | Hello everyone. I'm feeling very anarchical. Is that the term? I don't know. Jordan was in the middle of a sentence like, anyway, and then started the thing without saying like, three, two, one, or like, are you guys ready? You're about to start like literally just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, doink.
An... |
dropout | hardly_working_yoga_class | Allowing your forehead to rest comfortably on the back. Beginning to connect, feel. Doing something else, right? Just honour your body and what it can give you today. Okay, now, I haven't been to this class before, but you made me take use.
Yo! Gah! Okay. Get it? It's already enough. Okay, don't embarrass me. I'm seri... |
TheOnion | Wes_Anderson_Reteams_With_Favorite_Objects_For_Grand_Budapest_Hotel | The trailer for Wes Anderson's new film, The Grand Budapest Hotel, is out, and fans are delighted to see the Rushmore director reunite with his cast of go-to things. Anderson spoke to Rolling Stone about directing the beloved mainstays, saying, quote, I'm so excited to be working with old elevators, rotary phones, taxi... |
dropout | hardly_working_time_traveler_2 | Yes! We only need the world class series. I told you. That noise. Sarah. Eureka, it's worked.
My quantum timepiece has once again propelled me fessways into the future. Oh my god, what is going on? Not what future girl, but when's going on? I'm from the past. You see, here to study your technological curiosities. Oh m... |
SaturdayNightLive | keke_palmer_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Kiki Palmer! very much. Uh, I'm so excited to be here in New York! I'm the transplant, and most importantly, it's Sagittarius season. And that's good for me because I'm a sagittarius Moon, Honey. yes, I am very into astrology. and I know all the bros out there are gonna say astrology's not real. A... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Discover_90_Percent_Of_Earth_s_Atmosphere_Made_From_Thoughts_Prayers | The Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library opens in a pitch-dark, sulfurous underground cave. A jihadist woman wishes her sons would be more like those Tsarnaev boys. And a seedless watermelon is coming to grips with the fact it'll never be able to have kids. From under a pile of bloodied web videos, it emerges now stro... |
dropout | the_trial_of_a_dead_guy | Hey! We did it! Sort of. Shit, this is bad. We're straddling the Q dimension in our timeline. This isn't stable! But we're halfway back. Yes! We're in Rome in the year 897.
The perfect place to show you how unjust justice can be. That man is the organizer, prosecutor, and judge of a charade of a trial.
Pope Steven VI... |
dropout | my_super_not_chill_ghost_roommate_ep_2 | What are you doing? Ah, one second. Your computer's messed up. I'm just trying to fix it. Okay, get up. Okay, one second. I think I legit fucked something here. Okay, well get up.
Fine! Jeez, Louise's. Enjoy, alright? Have fun. What is this?
Sometimes when I get nervous, I start sweating this goo thing again. I don't... |
TheOnion | How_To_Feel_Emotions_When_Holding_Your_Newborn_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Okay, I got an email from Bert in Illinois today who says that holding his newborn elicits no response in him. He feels absolutely nothing. And he attached a picture.
Let's take a look. All right, we get variations on this question all the time, so don't worry. Let me let you in on a little secret. Nobody likes newbor... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_103_Lucy_Zelic | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petutor Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to The Petutor Advocate radio show, live from the Budgie Smuggler bedroom this week as we continue the podcasting, just to give everyone a little something to keep sane in these uncertain times.
O... |
cracked | our_ancestors_threw_poop_out_the_window | Up until the late 19th century, it was common to just throw stuff that's in your chamber pot right on the street. That's right, people just threw turds out the window, probably because indoor plumbing wasn't really a thing and the streets were already covered in sewage and dead horse corpses. Yeah, a lot of horses just... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_chloe_fineman_heidi_gardner_and_devon_walker_snl | After the January 6th Committee subpoena Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14-page letter. 14 pages? Okay, unabomber. I don't know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day The Fda confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of adderall. And I just know from experience in ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Big_Chungus_Spends_Millions_To_Make_Sure_Everyone_Knows_He_Raped_Someone_Stock_ | My name is Clancy Overell, we are in Melbourne. Melbourne. Came down to see an office down here about setting up a bureau down here. It's already set up. Thank you to everyone who's helped set up these microphones for us today to record our bulletin. We've been seeing a bit of the comedy at the Melbourne International ... |
cracked | the_adult_man_who_wrote_rebecca_black_s_friday_is_evil_does_not_compute | So long, suckers, is what I'll soon be saying, but not on camera, because I just figured out the perfect way to escape this life of internet drudgery, lest I be counted among the thousands laying low before their time by meme-lung. See, all I have to do is write a single, super-stupid song which will aggregate and accr... |
SaturdayNightLive | get_off_the_shed_new_friends_snl | Hey there. how you doing? you must be Frank Henderson. I sure am. I don't know that we've met before. I'm John Taylor. I'm Dom's brother. it's my wife, Susan. Oh, that's right. the Taylor's. I'm sorry. as you can tell, someone didn't forget to take their stupid pills this morning. hey, honey. the Taylor's are here. we ... |
cracked | aldi_s_co_founder_claimed_his_own_kidnapping_ransom_as_a_tax_deductible_business_expense | The co-founder of Aldi wrote off his kidnapping ransom as a tax-deductible business expense.
Dio Albrecht, one of two German brothers who established the discount grocery chain that saves customers money by getting fish from North Korea, was kidnapped in November 1971 by a burglar who went by Diamond Paul and a lawyer... |
cracked | how_hollywood_has_made_you_dumber_the_cracked_podcast | My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I'm joined on stage by my occasional co-host, Mr. Michael Swain.
Hey, Macarena. Macarena.
Ref, as usual. Trying to keep it timed. Head of Cracked video, Daniel O'Brien. Additional out-of-date 90s reference.
Just putting a little Monica in your life, ma... |
TheOnion | Finance_Expert_Saves_Struggling_Zoo_By_Firing_All_Employees_Getting_Rid_Of_Cages | A hard morning calls for a soft drink of news with Jim and Tracy. Brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both with today now. Coming up later, a reformed pie swiper will share his tips on how to avoid having pies stolen from your windowsill. Can't wait for that. But first, it's time for Get Both, a... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_michael_longfellow_mikey_day_punkie_johnson_and_sarah_sherman_snl | Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six-year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the Now documentary, Medea goes to Jail. a Tennessee State Senator said the bill will prevent kids from being, quote, blindsided by a sexualized performance in pu... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_laser_cats_7_saturday_night_live | Lauren, thanks for meeting me. yeah, you're a real Mitch.
Guys, I'm not gonna do another Laser Cats. Okay, that's fair. it's your show, and we respect that. But what if we told you that this Laser Cats is directed by none other than Steven Spielberg? Spielberg? Yeah, well, good luck with that. Laser Cats!
What? Steve... |
TheOnion | Women_Explain_How_They_d_Like_To_Have_Their_Bodies_Restricted_Next | Women, how would you like to have your bodies restricted next? I wouldn't be opposed to mandatory lobotomies. Thinking can be quite taxing sometimes. Two thirds majority vote from the state legislature before I insert my IUD. I don't think it's unreasonable to receive a drone strike next time I have sex for non-procrea... |
cracked | the_best_movie_hell_to_end_up_in_after_hours | Which is why, I will argue, the garlic fries are far superior to the overhyped and, frankly, disgusting truffle fries. And people who prefer truffle fries... Let's keep this civil. ...are demon people with butt brains. You... You go to hell. Truffle fries are amazing! You go straight to hell! Well, if they're not servi... |
cracked | the_6_most_unintentionally_creepy_sitcom_characters_after_hours | Zach Morris had a heart of gold. And a head of gold, although not the one you're thinking of. You don't think it's fishy that aside from Kapowski, all of Zach's girlfriends disappeared?
You know, students transfer all the time. There's a name for it. Student transfer. Even Zach did it. Back when it was called Good Mor... |
cracked | looking_ahead_4_ways_to_make_fun_of_obama_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 7 of Crack TV, where it seems we're all out of ideas for macronyms. With me as always is my co-host, SlowZoomz on fruit intercut with photos of holocaust survivors. No, Clippy, duh, I hate you so much, well, now I'm depressed, just go to the topic.
Looking ahead, four ways to make fun... |
SaturdayNightLive | papa_i_love_you_snl | I think it's time to set the record straight once and for all. And I think it's time that the truth was known. See, I've been keeping this quiet for quite some time, man, but no more. there's a lot you people don't know about me. and there's a lot I don't know about myself, you see, because my Papa left home when I was... |
SaturdayNightLive | kristen_wiig_is_excited_to_host_snl_for_the_fifth_time | Hi, I'm Kristen Wiig, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Ray. fifth time hosting! I know! five times! I haven't done anything five times.
Seriously? not even rollerblading? Not even rollerblading.
What about Scuba Dove? Surely you've scuba dove five times? go underwater and spy on fish?
I would never! Well, you must... |
dropout | adam_loses_to_an_11_year_old_in_hearthstone | We have found one of the best Hearthstone players in the entire LA region and Adam and this person are going to go head-to-head on stage tonight. You guys want to see that? All right, while you guys are ready to meet our contestants. So, without further ado, please welcome one of the best Hearthstone players around Abs... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_final_destination_movies_i_v | Maybe I'll just go to Arby's. Oh! Nevermind! Spaghetti it is! Let's see if they got arrested. You tried to cheat death, but death won't be cheated. The only way to get off death's list is to watch and explain all the Final Destination movies. Yeah, alright. Do you know how to make spaghetti good?
I do not. No! Shit!
... |
dropout | portal_2_sucks | Welcome to Nerd Alert for Friday, May 6th. I'm Jeff Rubin here with comedian John Gabris and Ars Technica writer Casey Johnston. On today's episode, we will be talking about theater lovers and sci-fi nerds.
Neither kiss girls, but for very different reasons. In 1996, they managed to find even more common ground in a h... |
cracked | why_game_of_thrones_is_finally_better_than_the_books_winter_is_taking_forever | Welcome back to Winters Taking Forever, episode four. It was an exciting episode, I thought. It was the best, the season so far. I was a fan. Some stuff happened.
Some nice reunions. A lot of reunions. A lot of, specifically brother-sister reunions. You got your Jon Snow and your Sansa reuniting, finally, after five, ... |
dropout | What_s_Wrong_With_Being_Whipped | Five, four, three, two, one, 3.51 p.m. All right, I'm going to go eat 50 tacos, who's coming with me? I am. Actually, Ken, I'm supposed to meet with my girlfriend for dinner.
Methinks the tail mayhaps is whipped. Okay, why am I whipped?
Just because I'm meeting with my significant other and been seen all week? Signif... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Voter_s_Guide_To_Mitt_Romney | The Onion's Election 2012. We decide, not you. Brought to you by 7-Eleven or 7-Election. Voting rates available at participating locations only. Election Day is approaching. And this year, your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever. To help you make the right choice, we present the Onion ... |
cracked | mission_impossible_for_20_deleted_scenes_and_bloopers | Big P means something completely different to her. You're going too complex. To be the Big P. Nope. Oh, darling T. Nope? Okay. You're still rolling? There once was a story my mother told me about a little boy named Danny T. She said you would grow up to be the Big P. But don't ask Stormy.
She doesn't like me. You need... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_puerto_rico_s_only_zoo_closes_man_plans_to_turn_jail_into_airbnb_snl | As this year's awards season gets underway, there's growing movement to get rid of the gendered categories of best actor and best actress, and instead called him best Actor and best Actor who got paid less. a man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an airbnb rental, which will make it the first jail ... |
dropout | hardly_working_hiccups | Hey, so, uh, P-Knuckle that at my house later? At Canberra. I'm working the late shift to TGI Fridays. You should come by though. If you become Woody's Facebook fan, you can get a free burger. Why do you mean why you're there again?
Oh, Ricky fired me four months ago. Technically. It wasn't so funny. Okay, okay.
Why ... |
dropout | kim_jong_un_s_hunger_games | Another's arrow has pierced my heart. And now he has pierced ours.
He's like Legolas with better cheekbones. Kim Jong Un, how are you so skilled at the hunger?
Does not exist. Games! I will explain with a relevant and truthful flashback.
As a boy, Kim Jong Un entered the annual true Korea battle royale. Even as Kim ... |
SaturdayNightLive | jack_harlow_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harlow! thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. This is incredible. my name is Jack Harlow, and it's been a big year for me. I put out my second album. I went on a world tour.
I just shot my first movie, White Men Can't Jump. and a lot of people have been saying I'm the Goat. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | little_orphan_cassidy_snl | Of course, I certainly will, Mrs. Mendelssohn. Mm-hmm, bye-bye now. Well, Mrs. Pippenstuffs, what did she say? that she and Mr. Mendelssohn think you're a lovely girl, but they don't want to adopt me, do they? No, sweetheart, I'm afraid not. Now, off to bed, girls, it's late. Cassidy, if I was a grown-up, I'd adopt you... |
dropout | You_Suck_In_Your_Own_Story | And so apparently my dog has an identical twin that lives right across the street from us. Classic case of mistaken identity. That's a great story. Oh, I have a great story too. Tell us.
So last week I went to the spaghetti pop-up ramen bar. I was there a little late and there's a huge line already around the block. B... |
dropout | kevin_s_beard | Hi, I'm Kevin, and as you may have noticed, I've been growing this beautiful beard for about a year now, making it a year. That's a one-year beard, but it's time to go. So with the help of New York's number one beard stylist here, we're going to cut it into a number of fancy mustaches and whatnot as we destroy somethin... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_kenan_kelly_snl | For the Kiki Palmer episode, thanks to Kiki's brilliant mind, we did a recreation of the Kenan and Kale show. So the art team had like 48 hours, basically, to recreate the grocery store Rigby's. Oh My. God, look at that. seeing that grocery store, man, it brought it all home. Nostalgia City.
And, you know, when I step... |
dropout | what_people_will_believe_about_u_s_history_prank_news_network | Hi, we're here in Los Angeles to prove that Americans know nothing about America and will believe anything Especially if you look like a newswoman and are holding a microphone. Last 4th of July There were several drones that actually collided with fireworks So the government is actually pushing to change celebrations t... |
dropout | the_best_beard_drawfee | Welcome to the Drawfee show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Welcome. Welcome friends today We have a very special suggestion But they're all special honestly. This one is from Danny Hannah from our channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee Oh, what a good channel... |
CrackerMilk | meet_tom_s_new_hot_gf | Hey guys, welcome back to the gregmull podcast. I'm eating zoopa-doopa Fuck you in Australia.
Oh What's the magic with your fucking mouth? Oh, what's the mouth core to that ice? What's the magic? Well, I'm not gonna respond until you chew that ice block. Whoa What's the magic?
Wow, that's better. I just want a GF a H... |
TheOnion | Poll_Bullshit_Is_Most_Important_Issue_For_2008_Voters | As the 2008 presidential race heats up, a new survey finds that again this year, the number one issue among voters is bullshit. And joining us now to discuss the survey is the director of political polling at the Shuttleworth Research Center, Kip O'Leary. Mr. O'Leary, now we all know that bullshit is the deciding facto... |
dropout | precious_plum_a_car_house | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a pretty quiet mama driving me around a patch. Ow! I said no tea! She's my precious Plum. Today Plum competes to be a little bit six to eight means 20 to life in a slowly deflating moon bounce at a fair that's just ended.
But that dark tomato doesn't turn everything into sti... |
TheOnion | Judge_Rules_White_Girl_Will_Be_Tried_As_Black_Adult | This is the Onion News Network, keeping you safe from the lies. We begin tonight with an update on a story we've been following all week.
Hannah Stevenson, the 16-year-old girl from Detroit, accused of stabbing a classmate to death with a screwdriver last month. At her arraignment this afternoon, Hannah received the h... |
TheOnion | Netflix_Checks_If_Area_Man_Okay_After_Watching_Sons_Of_Anarchy_Season_In_Single_Sitting | Sources at the video streaming service Netflix reported today that they had sent local man Shane Fowler a personal message earlier just checking to see if everything was okay after the 31-year-old watched an entire season of the FX program Sons of Anarchy in a single viewing session. Well, we happened to notice that Sh... |
programmersarealsohuman | day_in_the_life_of_hr | Monday morning, while everyone's still full of concentration. Perfect time for an HR mail. Hi everyone, in the presence of current events it was decided that everyone is required to stop remote work from the 26th. No exceptions granted. Thank you, your HR team.
Send. Oh, I forgot to say it's the 26th of March. Okay, l... |
TheOnion | Prevent_Identity_Theft_By_Changing_Identity_Every_Three_Years | Folks, what are you doing? You're putting your name, address, credit card number, social security number, all that, you're just chucking it right up onto the internet where any disgusting degenerate can grab it? Listen to Shelby. The only way to make sure that your identity is never stolen is to change it every three y... |
cracked | 4_weird_superhero_tropes_movies_won_t_stop_recycling_yboc_dceu_mcu | Oh, Jordan has diarrhea in any way. This episode of Your Brain Uncracked is the perfect job for the incredible spider professor, Angry Hands Hammerman. And anyway, this is the only show on crack that heroically steers away from its stated premise whenever quarantine starts to get to Jordan.
I mean, me. Oh my God, my h... |
SaturdayNightLive | amy_fisher_saturday_night_live | And here with us now, just released from prison, the Long Island Lolita herself, Amy Fisher. Colin, Wow, it is so great to be out. I mean, you don't know how good it feels to finally put on my old cutoffs and see through halter top and stroll around the neighborhood like a regular person.
I mean, some of you may know ... |
CrackerMilk | cursed_crackermilk | Oh, oh, hey goob. How are you mate? Hey audience check this out. Have a look Oh, that's a Tom classic hey, there's corner Are you drinking beers again Connor? Hey Connor, have you seen Elias at all? Holy fuck. What's that? Hello, my friends. Sorry for my absence I have been gone a while. No problem. Elias. Where have y... |
cracked | that_time_in_living_color_dragged_snl | In his three years on SNL, Chris Rock didn't get a whole lot of time on the air. In interviews, Chris has gone on to say that he only got the job because in living color was so hot, so SNL needed to hire a black guy. You know, who else noticed that Rock was frequently M.I.I. on SNL? The folks over at In Living Color. A... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.