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cracked | the_inevitable_future_of_dating_sites_rom_com | So, how's the logo redesign coming? Not that great. Making sense of Elise's design notes is difficult. It needs to be visceral and frightening, but subtle and blue. You know that sound that lions make when they mate? Yes. I need the logo to feel like that.
Write that down. Writing it down.
Planes. Off to the side, yo... |
TheOnion | The_Key_To_Getting_Pregnant_Is_Letting_Everyone_Know_You_re_Trying | So, you're trying to get pregnant and nothing is working. You've tried everything. Standing up, locking in and spinning, but everything comes up negative. You say, it's just not meant to be.
Well, give it another shot because the key to getting pregnant is simple. Let people know you're trying, often, and with great d... |
TheOnion | Obama_Proposes_4_Trillion_Piece_Of_Empty_Rhetoric | Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines. The National Endowment for the Arts provides $80 million for discouraging talentless hacks. And a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window, presenting the only 10 news stories that occurred anywhere in the past seven days. Thi... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_mark_zuckerberg_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg. Hello, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. While this is a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook's social network. Hello again. it's me, Julian Assange. I... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_09_12_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | We're recording live out of Baxter Boots Studios here in the Old City District. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol?
Good mate, as always. That's good to hear. And of course leading us today with the news will be Wendell... |
cracked | dissecting_donald_trump_s_holocaust_memorial_note_some_news_special_report | Hello, and welcome to a some new special report. I want to talk briefly about President Trump's first foreign trip. And like, he's doing fine, he's tired, he got to touch the orb, he got to sell billions of dollars in arms to the Saudis despite his intense criticisms of such practices, he got to be in Israel and say he... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_angela_dixon_saturday_night_live | A colossal winter storm hit the United States with snow, high winds, and freezing rain this week, and experts say the worst is still to come. Here to talk about what we could expect is meteorologist and former disco queen Angela Dixon.
Hi, Seth. thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to meet you. thanks for com... |
TheOnion | RNC_Speech_Fuck_We_re_Really_Just_Letting_This_Fucking_Happen | Oh, fuck. Jesus. We are fucking fucked. God, we're fucked. We're just gonna let this fucking happen? Huh? Fuck! We needed this! Fuck! I mean, what the fuck are we doing?
I'm fucking panicking up here. Guys, you know I'm fucking panicking, okay?
I'm gonna lose my fucking district. And none of you fucks are fucking hel... |
cracked | why_the_ending_of_star_wars_is_secretly_kind_of_dumb_today_s_topic | Well, pretty good. Pretty good. I really like the pew pew pew stuff.
Ending was kind of dumb. Dumb? You grew up as a human on Earth without seeing Star Wars until just now. You're the dummy, you big dumb dummy.
Okay, the two guys get medals, right? But their giant bipedal dog friend doesn't. That's B.S. And then they... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_melissa_villasenor_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
A new poll shows that President Biden's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of 33%. for perspective, that's less than half the approval rating of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Sonic 2 features the characters tails and Knuckles, which are also the n... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Scotty_s_Lucky_Day_Melbourne_African_Gangs_Transform_Brutal_Double_Bounc_ | How are we all gentlemen? Not bad mate, a bit happier than last week you know, I took myself bowling, the AMC on Valentine's Day you know because I've given up on that type of thing so so yeah just had a real quiet one. Well it's always good to see men going their own way, what about you Wendell? Yeah good Clancy, had ... |
ClickHole | awkwardly_adorable_watch_these_parents_explain_loud_sex_to_their_children_for_the_first_time | All right. This is gonna be difficult. Right. Here goes.
So honey, when two parents love each other very much, a deafening thing happens. Mommy and daddy will go into a different room and what happens next is a sky darkening roar that rips out all other sound from the universe. There is a sound of extraordinary volume... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Kyle_Sandilands_Shits_on_his_Own_Face_to_Increase_Ratings_The_Liberals_Have_Made_an_Interesting_ | You're listening to the Batuda Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Hello Clancy Overall here with another weekly Batuda bulletin joined by Errol Parker and Effie Bateman. How are the two of you?
Yeah, look, not bad Effie in here for Wendell Hussey. Wendell's off sick.
It is not a celebration, although ... |
dropout | precious_plum_some_vampire_teeth | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. I should not have sold all her clothes. She's my precious Plum.
We was out buying that food for Dog because he's been real sick. We saw a coupon for free glamor sauce. Trouble is, Plum's got a loose tooth. And that's not glamoro... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_cartoon_iii | I could go around just fucking people, go to 2050. I think girls are only going to get hotter. We're going to evolve so much that girls aren't going to have just one awesome set of boobs. They'll have boobs on their back. I'm like playing with four boobs all at once. I just have like vaginas up and down their legs, you... |
TheOnion | New_Report_Shows_Record_Year_For_Births_Of_Test_Tube_Abominations | Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor colosseum to watch a patient battle cancer. Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat. The one news program that exists solely as a product of your deranged and... |
cracked | 6_origins_of_famous_superhero_memes_even_dumber_in_context_canonball | Superhero movies are full of moments that are powerful and epic and inspiring, and others that aren't. But let's face it, a lot of you watching this right now didn't encounter these classic characters for the first time through their movies, or their shows, or their action-packed video games, or even their subway tie-i... |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un_part_2 | The rest of the world doesn't believe it. We blame your old enemy, Western Media. Today's top story. Kim Jong Un's juggling skills do not impress women. I don't know how much longer I could print these filthy lies.
Our liberator has arrived! Ah! Blood goblins! Attack! He's too strong! Retreat to the comment section! I... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Albo_s_Trip_A_Tear_Jerker_A_Cold_Shoulder_More_July_8 | Thank you for joining us. We love having you here. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. You've got the rising talent in the cadetship space. In the shape of Effie Bateman, thank you for joining us, Effie.
How are you? Yeah, I'm good. How are you, Clancy? I'm well, thank you.
And th... |
dropout | High_as_Hell_at_Homecoming_GAME | Have you ever done one of these before? No. Bye.
Ah, homecoming weekend. How quaint, except you're crazy high. Worth it. Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high through homecoming weekend without getting caught and expelled.
Through a series of challenges, a group of citizens will try to sniff them out and... |
dropout | summer_of_music_too_many_pools | Yeah, you made it, this is the right entrance It's all mine, money built this house You jealous?
I know you is Come on with me, we gon' start in the garage I got a race car, I got a white bar, I got a tiger, I got another tiger, I got a rope fight, I got an army tank I got a piggy bank, so big that it's a ball back Fo... |
cracked | every_upworthy_video_ever | I can't believe that this is actually happening. How do you feel? I'm nervous. I'm really, really nervous. I don't know what to expect.
Well, let me take off the bandages. Just don't open your eyes right away, okay?
Okay. It's going to be very bright, a little extreme. Okay? Okay.
I can see you.
Thank God you're pr... |
dropout | find_zac_he_s_streaming_from_somewhere_in_los_angeles_live | Hello! Hi, I'm Zach Oyama, and welcome to another edition of College Humor on YouTube Live.
Today we're going to be playing a little bit of a game called Find Zach. It's a simple game, really. If you find me, you get this TV, which is a big 55-inch 4K awesome TV that I wish I had. So over the course of this stream, yo... |
TheOnion | Census_Visits_Providing_Shut_Ins_Once_A_Decade_Chance_For_Human_Interaction | It is census time, and for millions of lonely people, that means a once a decade chance for human interaction.
That's right. Joining us now to tell you how to get the most out of your visit from a census worker is shut-in Helen DeAngelis. Hi, Helen. Good morning. Thank you so much for inviting me to your wonderful, wo... |
dropout | my_elf_girlfriend_pregnancy_scare | Look deep within, and the future will reveal itself, and remember two lines means I'm pregnant, one line means I'm not. Nothing yet. It says it takes a couple minutes. I don't know, maybe we're overreacting. How late are you? A year.
I get my period every 10 years. Right. Oh, we should have never gone off birth contro... |
dropout | the_baby_in_american_sniper_was_more_fake_than_you_remember | I am making memories by myself, I have no one to share them with.
Yeah. Well, we've got our own lives, all right? When does that start?
Even when you're here, you're not here, I can see you and I can feel you but you're not here. Shh. You'll wake her. You are my husband, you are the father of my children, my human ch... |
cracked | i_m_worried_my_step_dad_s_a_vampire_tales_to_get_scared_to | Divorce isn't easy. Not for anyone. I'm a child of divorce, did you know that? Oh yeah, true story.
I was maybe a little bit younger than you are now. About to start college. You think you're ready. You think you're prepared to really find yourself. Really discover who this guy is.
And then out of nowhere, divorce. A... |
cracked | how_gun_control_made_australia_safer_than_america | Hey there Americans. It's us, Australians. G'day mate. All 23 million of us got together to say, Americans, we're worried about you. We're terrified for you. Because with what we hear about gun violence in America... We hate to say it, but you Americans live in the scariest place on earth. Which is insane, because we l... |
ClickHole | women_tell_period_stories_that_are_hopefully_relatable_to_women_and_non_threatening_for_men | No, no, no. I'll be fine, I'll be fine. Bad period, bad! Ugh, okay.
The worst place I ever bled is probably... Um, my desk chair? On an airplane seat. I've bled on my boyfriend. I've bled on my boyfriend's parents' brand new white couch.
That was fun. Also, I'm just gonna say it. I get diarrhea. The worst, diarrhea. ... |
cracked | the_most_traumatizing_internet_comment_agents_of_cracked_episode_3 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson. I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion collection of Agents of Cracked. Stay after, and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing. Little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert. I killed a hobo.
A tootsie pop. Huh? A sweet treat for a sweet...
Damn it! God damn it!... |
cracked | how_friends_invented_the_friendzone_people_watching_5 | Hey, how's it going? Usual. Can't win them all. Yeah. Or any of them.
I've seen you around. My name's Ted. Nice to meet you. Why do you do that? Shake hands with people I already know, like I'm meeting them for the first time?
I don't know. I just think it's funny or something. God, you're weird. Snack? We're already... |
SaturdayNightLive | stars_of_tomorrow_snl | Tlc presents Stars of Tomorrow. I travel all over the country looking for talented kids. you never know when you're going to find the next Abigail Breslin. And I still remember the night I went to Akron, Ohio to see 11-year-old Laura Parsons. from the moment Laura was born, we knew she had something special. she was a ... |
dropout | Please_Research_the_Person_You_re_Hiring | Congratulations, everyone, on your first day here at Chompsky's. Let's get things started with a round of introductions. My name is Samantha, and I'm the Chompsky's hiring manager. I'm Pat. I'm going to be head of customer service. Okay, next. Hi, I'm Johnny Leather Baby, head of public relations.
Oh my God, that's so... |
SaturdayNightLive | julia_stiles_monologue_saturday_night_live | Julia smiles! It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. this is actually the 500th original episode of the show. Hey, Julia! Julia, I saw you in that movie.
Oh, you mean, say the last dance? Yeah, I thought you were wonderful in it. Wow. Tracy, thanks. And the scene where you kissed that black dude, man. it ... |
dropout | collegehumor_all_nighter_2013 | Draw a sis! No! I like it! I know! The all-nighter! Yes! Boom!
Oh, come on, seriously? CollegeHumor.com is a large group of smart people working very hard to waste five minutes of your time. You can watch original sketches, web series.
Everything. Guns, violence, slaps, cross the base. Kissing, dudes kissing.
The al... |
TheOnion | Moon_Dead_At_29 | Astronomers have confirmed that the moon has died. After gaining international notoriety for its ability to track the seasons, the moon was beloved by billions, though fame came with a price. The celestial satellite struggled with addiction to drugs, alcohol, and late-night rituals with the occult before its untimely p... |
Wizards_with_Guns | you_won_t_believe_what_these_wizards_got_away_with_ | Guys, I think someone's at the door. Oh. Uh, maybe all three of us should answer the door at the exact same time. Yeah. Hey. What do you want? Geez, I mean, I just heard you guys hit 100k, so I came to say congrats. Mm-hmm. No, I'm serious. I came to give you guys your reward. Oh. I mean, okay. Yeah, here you go. Thank... |
SaturdayNightLive | nightline_bob_dole_and_colin_powell_saturday_night_live | This is Abc News Nightline, reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel. the race for the 1996 Republican Presidential nomination is, in a word, unique. unique in that there are not one, but two frontrunners. one is Senator Bob Dole, who declared his candidacy on April 10th of this year and has been leading comfortably in th... |
TheOnion | Amy_Winehouse_s_Grammys_Returned_By_London_Pawn_Shop_Out_Of_Respect_For_Deceased | The nation's weirdest teen buys a season one DVD of Murphy Brown. A botanist is holding up the entire salad bar. And a London pawn shop returns all of Amy Winehouse's Grammy awards out of respect for the deceased. And now your recap of this week's news, weather permitting. The U.S.S.R. officially won the space race aft... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_deobra_redden_on_attacking_the_judge_during_his_trial_snl | Recently a video went viral of a defendant attacking a judge in a Las Vegas courthouse. let's have a look here with more about it is the flying defendant himself. Diobra Reddon Diobra. What compelled you to attack the judge like that man. you were asking the wrong questions che you should be asking how cuz they ain't n... |
dropout | couples_treat_single_friends_like_toys | I'm bored. I'm bored of you.
Been in a relationship for a while? Run out of things to do with your significant other? Well, why not try meddling in the affairs of your single friends? I'm lonely. I wish I could have a relationship just like yours.
Susie works at my office. Tim's my friend from college. I always trust... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_9_4_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. We're still in isolation, a lot of people, both voluntarily, a lot of people ordered by the state government. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate, o... |
cracked | 4_simple_tasks_that_are_way_easier_than_they_look_in_movies_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello, internet! It's me, that guy I am, welcoming you to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show whose only real crime was loving pop culture too much. And arson, that one time. Today's episode looks at...
Look, I understand that movies are different than real life. I do. And I understand that cer... |
TheOnion | Teen_s_Death_Hits_Reporter_Hard | Amanda Ecklund's classmates say she was one of the kindest and most generous students at Montgomery High. Her 4.0 GPA and hours spent volunteering at a local homeless shelter truly make her death at the hands of a drunk driver earlier this week all the harder to take for this school and this community.
I just keep ask... |
dropout | the_rank_room_returns_trailer | What is the coolest way to murder someone? The greatest invention that has yet to be invented. The best thing to find in a treasure chest.
A sequel to Dinables. Fart announcement. Poisonous cannibal. Smelling mirrors. What? Okay. Your ideas are crazy. You've got a ripe amount of people here. No, right. Don't say right... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_217_Ashleigh_Lange_from_Weatherzone | It's one of those kind of days, I guess. We'd love to say it's sunny and shining. It's not.
It's flooding all over Western Queensland, all over New South Wales and Sydney again. It feels like this has been happening all year, and if you are one of those people who are suffering through these never-ending weather event... |
cracked | who_played_m3gan | Scary was, like, backstage. Like, Megan just in repose was terrifying. Really? Yeah. No s***.
They brought in three actresses to play the doll, which makes her so damn lifelike she has more rights than most women across the world. Newcomer Amy Donald is in costume and physically embodies the creepy-ass child of the co... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_new_jack_thanksgiving_snl | The following is a paid advertisement for Time Life's Dvd collection. everybody's still talking about that New Jack Swing, the early 90s R&b rap-iron that had all the honeys shaking their baggy overall. Hi, I'm Little Richard's white half-brother, Medium Richard. you know, people infrequently ask me, when is that New J... |
SaturdayNightLive | bad_couples_snl | Good morning, Big Apple. you're watching New York Morning News. I'm your host, Hannah Jennings. and I'm Keith Michaels.
Our top story Today, it is almost Valentine's Day. And to get everyone in the mood, we're going to kick things off by checking in with our romance reporter, Danny Love. Take it away, Danny.
When Har... |
dropout | gps_voices | Oh, wow. This car is sweet, man. Yeah, man. Oh, you got GPS? Yeah, dude.
It comes with all these crazy voices. Setting route, please wait. Hey, put on another voice. Oh, okay. Turn right. Now, proceed to that house where your sister's friend, Megan, lives, okay? That sounded like a... Pay attention.
A car is a weapon... |
ClickHole | what_if_darth_vader_was_your_table | Hey, there's some mail here for you.
You want me to leave it in the living room? Just throw it on the table.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, this is the place No, you're free to sleep on the couch. And if you need more room, you know, let's go ahead and move the table. Cool. Thanks, man. Don't scratch the floor. Oh, sorry.
I decl... |
TheOnion | Miners_Trapped_In_Life_Threatening_Mining_Jobs_Season_1_Ep_3_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network an impenetrable barrier against deception Keep your hands where I can see them and get inside the fact zone And now an update on the ongoing situation in Bentonville, West Virginia a group of miners Apparently the entire employee roster the Kenny Brook coal mine are still trapped in dange... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_at_ny_comiccon_with_pete_holmes_episode_3 | So I'm about to graduate from college, and I need to decide on a career path. I really like neuroscience, but I'm also a pretty bangin' opera singer. I'm serious. So I could do either. Which one should I choose? Well, I guess I want to hear you sing opera first. I want to see you perform brain surgery. And then we'll c... |
dropout | stuck_in_the_boring_car_on_a_road_trip_the_schining_pt_1 | Alright guys, everyone has their computer, right? Remember, this is a writer's retreat, it's not just a vacation. Yeah, we'll do some riding or something. Okay, who's in my car? Um, Gwen and I just ordered the sandwich, so we have to be together. Whoa, and I gotta see that. Let's get a party car going! Yeah! Wait, what... |
TheOnion | Nostalgic_Warden_Has_Seen_3_Generations_Of_Family_Come_Through_Prison | Veteran warden for the California Institute for Men, Kenneth Luger, told Onion reporters today that throughout his tenure, he has seen three generations of the Moat family come through his prison, and had the rare pleasure of getting to know each and every one of them. I still remember when the first Moat boy, Earl, wa... |
cracked | the_insane_jurassic_park_theory_that_might_be_true | With the exception of Jeff Goldblum's bare, oiled-up chaos chess, the big stars of Jurassic Park are obviously the dinosaurs. However, according to one oddly convincing fan theory, there has never been a single actual dinosaur in any Jurassic Park movie. Eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, r... |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_michael_cera | Hello, I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. My guest tonight is actor Michael Cera. Thanks for doing my show. Thank you for having me.
I've loved you in everything you've ever done. Have you seen my early stuff? Yeah, super bad. I did a bunch of stuff when I was younger, you know... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_aidy_bryant_and_bowen_yang_snl | I'm Colin Jost. the Senate confirmed Katanji Brown Jackson, making her the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. I'll drink to that, said Brett Kavanaugh. Justice. Justice Jackson was honored Friday at a White House ceremony and said we have come a long way toward perfecting our union, which is a direct quot... |
dropout | 5_second_talent_show | Hey, I'm Pat, and I'm Matt, and Klaude wanted to find some people with five-second talents So we took to the streets of New York in search of some and here's what we found Ready to rock? I'm ready. Let's see some people. My talent is I can eat mad sushi in five seconds All right, I think cool.
Nice. That was good. Tha... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_euphoria_fans_criticize_creator_dunkin_s_shamrock_macchiato_snl | Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister, Venus Williams, and labeled it as Serena. worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams. fans of the hit Hbo show, Euphoria, have been harshly criticizing the series' creator for sexualizing the high scho... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Loses_Touch_breadgate_Positive_Finance_News_More_February_7 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. There's a lot going on in the world. There's a lot going on in Australia, there's a lot going on in Auspol, there's a lot going on in Canberra and we're very very happy to be her... |
cracked | 7_famous_people_who_are_shockingly_out_of_touch_with_reality_spit_take_theater | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I am the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and we're listening to a message to you, Rudy, by the special, the 1977 cover of a classic rock-steady song that I prefer to believe is being sung to Rudy Huxville. And speaking of urgent ... |
TheOnion | Apple_Promises_To_Fix_Glitches_In_Map_Software_By_Rearranging_Earth_s_Geography | In tech news, Apple has responded to continued frustration with its iPhone Maps application, announcing plans to realign the Earth's geography to more accurately reflect the map software. Company executives say they've already started renaming streets, switching the locations of buildings and destroying some landmarks ... |
dropout | if_robots_couldn_t_do_the_robot_dance | Eve 3.5, approximately how far away are we from Moon LV-223? Excessing database. The spacecraft Cronus is approximately seven light years away. Thank you, Eve. Looks like we have some time on our hands.
Let me say, we put on some music and Eve does the robot for us. Yeah, I like the robot. I beg your pardon? You can d... |
dropout | youtube_closed_captioning_experiment_all_nighter_2014 | Yeah, you know those automatic closed captions YouTube generates when you upload a video? Sure do. Well, we're gonna upload this video, then record a new version, where all of our lines are replaced with their closed captioning, and uh... We expect the results to be pretty humorous. Awww. Anyway, welcome to video numbe... |
cracked | if_there_was_a_task_force_against_tiktokers_tiktok_parody_sketch_comedy | Hey, what song are you listening to? Oh, it's actually a mix between this one and- Hey, can I ask you how much you pay for rent?
Oh, well- What do you think a respectable body count is for a woman? Do you think Eric Adams should resign? I don't really- Hey, what do you feel about airplane food?
Where do you come from... |
dropout | every_negotiation_scene_ever | So, how much will it cost for you to spill all of College Humor's secrets? Give me a number and then we'll talk.
I don't like your style. You must not want these secrets.
And make me an offer. You're dreaming. Maybe we should just say the number out loud. No.
This is the procedure. This is how it's always done.
Do ... |
dropout | precious_plum_hitchhiking | My name is Plum. I'm Sister Zorba, and I'm a beauty queen. My momma take me around the pageant. I didn't know we had this. She got precious Plum. Nate Plum competed with me as Tallahassee Tiny Hussey in the basement of a shutdown staples.
You've been driving around a hundred and four hours because I got lost a fucking... |
dropout | clock_suckers_stinkin_whores_2 | This week's episode stinking whores part deuce when we last left our time travelers tanner had just taken over the whorehouse and it was being robbed by billy murder and cake then billy murder shot sheriff bigs be in the chest but before he died he made ben the new sheriff then cake shot tanner knocking him into one of... |
cracked | 8_movie_romances_that_are_doomed | Love stories. Movies always tend to have that little romance story tucked in there or that romance that is blatantly the center of the film plot line. Hello romance genre of movies.
But sometimes Hollywood creates a couple that would never, ever, ever work out, but act like we should believe that they would. Well gues... |
TheOnion | Investigation_Finds_Appalling_Conditions_In_Cosmopolitan_Magazine_Male_Pleasure_Laboratory | After this morning's police raid on Cosmopolitan magazine's male pleasure laboratory revealed that test subjects were forced to endure horrific abuses and inhumane living conditions, Onion reporters spoke to 23-year-old Daniel Chertok, one of the numerous men exploited for the monthly magazine's studies on erotic stimu... |
SaturdayNightLive | old_timey_movies_snl | You're watching Pbs and now Masters of the Pen. I'm Eileen Tibbs and welcome to Masters of the Pen and which we explore the authors behind iconic books. Today we will look at Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum. My guest is Professor Lon Martel, an expert in Baum's life and career.
Hello Eileen, and you're welcome for b... |
Wizards_with_Guns | crayola_doesn_t_want_you_to_see_this_ | But give it up for waxy Dave and the crayon crew I'm not gonna jump. I'm the CEO. I Just read a memo Creole is going green. So don't feel blue. We've got sweet news like freshly baked brownies Is No, I can't hear you turn around I just I really don't think I should turn around man I don't see the problem or you will wa... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_198_David_Littleproud_MP | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, The Tudor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome to our second interview profile of The Tudor Advocate's... |
dropout | the_drunken_pagan_history_of_christmas_adam_ruins_everything | Look, I know we're not that religious, but mom and dad made it a tradition. It's the one night a year we get together and have a nice somber, christian-y evening. Well, that's pretty weird, because historically, Christmas was actually a really raucous holiday. And most of our Christmas traditions have really unchristia... |
dropout | hardly_working_3d_glasses | Whoo, that movie was amazing. Market, journey to the center of the Earth 3D, best movie of the year! Oh my god, and these glasses make everything so deep. You know, I felt like I could reach out and touch Brendan Fraser.
You know you can take those off. They don't actually do anything outside the theater. Really? Yeah... |
ClickHole | these_people_watched_the_moon_landing_on_live_tv_and_their_stories_are_incredible | Growing up, my sisters and I loved to play astronauts. We would snort lines of Tang, kill Russian dogs, and piss and shit into little bags, pretending we were on some epic space voyage. So when the moon landing happened, we were pretty much glued to the TV all day. It was so exciting. July 20th, 1969 was such an import... |
dropout | osama_teen_hunger_force | Blow up Golden Gate Bridge. Blow up Ground Zero. Blow up Paris Hilton.
Who is this? Come on, you guys are my dream team. Now, we really need something to give the finger to the United States. I have an idea that will knock your sandals off. Go on. We literally give the middle finger.
I don't get it. What do we do wit... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Dan_Sultan_s_Arrival | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. Slowly getting my voice back after a beautiful tour of the tropics up there. Actually we can talk about this a bit later with today's guest, he's very familiar with ... |
dropout | sober_sex | Hi. You look nice tonight. Thanks. Hey, so you're acting weird.
Yeah, it's, uh, there's something I've been wanting to tell you. I've been wanting to say the same thing.
Let's fuck sober.
Oh my god, you said it too. Yeah, I mean, every time we go out, we have to get really drunk before we go home together. Right, ri... |
dropout | the_danger_of_running_into_friends | Hey!
What are you doing here? No, I'm just going for a walk.
It's so funny running into you. I know. I never run into people I know.
Yeah. Siobhan? Oh, hey guys. Siobhan! Hey! You guys hanging? No, we just ran into each other and now we ran into you. Yeah.
It's crazy. It's really crazy.
I know. What do we do now? ... |
cracked | why_being_a_henchman_in_the_zelda_universe_would_suck_8_bits | This is frickin' stupid, dude. Come on! Gannon said to set it by the... Three. It gets dark in like a minute, and I don't want to get stuck in zombies on the way back. Oh. I thought you quit. Hey, screw you. And screw Gannon. Hey, hey, hey, watch it.
Gannon puts potions in your pantry. Why? Rory? Why the hell are we d... |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Tornado_Jail | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Bu... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Lee_Daniels_The_Butler | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at Lee Daniels' The Butler, a historical drama inspired by the true story of an African-American White House butler and a very important film that features very important people and covers very important themes. Overall, this is a bi... |
cracked | this_one_fan_theory_changes_all_of_star_wars_canon_forever | So, a lot of us all are familiar with the story of a young farm man, Luke Skywalker, who was thrust into adventure and tasked with saving the galaxy from the evil Darth Vader and Emperor Palatine. These are space warriors and warlocks battling for the fate of their galaxy.
But what if I told you that there was more to... |
dropout | What_Is_the_Best_Funeral_You_Can_Imagine_Rank_Room_Full_Episode | What is the best funeral you can imagine?
I'm Katie Marovitch, and today I am joined by Ali Beardsley. Hello. Siobhan Thompson. I'm taking this very seriously. And Jake Hurwitz. Pleasure to be here.
Jake, would you like to begin? I'd love to.
Thank you. My first answer is puppy reincarnation. Now, funerals naturally... |
TheOnion | How_Many_Children_Does_Philip_Rivers_Have_Left_In_Him | So I'm looking at the Chargers big matchup against the Patriots this weekend, and it got me thinking, just how many children does Phillip Rivers have left in him? At this point, Rivers is 35 years old. I gotta think that means he can deliver one, maybe two more quality kids, maybe. Just maybe he could squeeze out a thi... |
cracked | why_the_game_of_thrones_creators_and_hbo_shouldn_t_make_confederate_more_the_week_in_epcd | Hello, everyone. Welcome to whatever number episode this is of excessive pop culture discussion. This is the weekly pop culture show where we talk about everything that is in the headlines that have nothing to do with news and the president.
I'm always your host, Daniel O'Brien, with me. We can just, this is my co-hos... |
TheOnion | Putin_Not_Ruling_Out_Military_Response_To_Continued_International_Diplomacy | John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell. Personally dictated into the ear of this announcer by the Lord Jesus Christ himself, this is the Onion Week in Review. Rus... |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_those_people_in_tv_commercials | Well, the good news is it can all be explained, okay, the blackouts, the hallucinations, the bruises, all of it. There are, however, just one or two more small tests I'd like to run just to confirm my diagnosis.
Okay. So in the meantime, would you mind opening this jar of peanut butter while I consult my notes? It'd b... |
cracked | why_texting_is_becoming_an_awkward_nightmare | Texting! Whether you like it or not, we all do it. Even your old-ass parents finally bit the bullet and know that a text is quicker than a phone call if they actually want to talk to you. But like, texting is hard, man!
Women? Women's?
The anxiety induced from trying to compose the perfectly light yet simultaneously ... |
cracked | why_draft_kings_is_secretly_terrifying | What's up dude? So you do a fantasy, you doing Draft Kings? No. Oh dude, you've got to. It's the best. There's no season-long commitment. You just pick your players and then Monday you get your winnings right away. Yeah, I get it. I'm not really into sports much. Oh well, you should just check it out then. I mean, it's... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_denise_show_heartbroken_brian_saturday_night_live | And now the Denise show with your host, Brian. Hi everybody. welcome to the Denise show!
As you know, Denise is the girl who broke up with me five weeks ago. Wasn't that big a deal? She ripped open my chest and pulled out my heart.
But it's fine. it's fine. everything's okay. So let's move on with the show. Looks lik... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_eddie_murphy_on_a_jewish_ghost_and_stevie_wonder_snl | It's good to be back in New York and it was fun working with these kids this week. I had a great time. I really can't believe how hard they work here on the show and it's like it was like watching the process scene and pulled together was a lot of fun for me. A nice experience and a lot of things been happening in my l... |
cracked | when_giving_away_a_lifetime_supply_turns_deadly | Quiet! Damn it! Quiet!
Mr. Cupperman, what is this about? Mr. Kelly, proceed. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, three years ago, Cuppy's Pudding launched the Find the Golden Top free Pudding for Life contest. This is Katie Willard, the 25-year-old winner of our most recent giveaway. Mr. Kelly, you dragged us out of b... |
dropout | The_Guy_Who_Doesn_t_Know_Mainstream_Music | If you go into a California Pizza Kitchen and you say that it's your birthday, they have to make you a manager. I don't think that's true. Everyone, discard your bologna and heed my words.
I'm going to the Beyonce concert! Oh my god, are you serious? Yes, she's playing at the Fonda tonight. Oh, hey, cool. I'm gonna be... |
TheOnion | World_Urges_Israelis_Palestinians_To_Focus_Mutual_Hatred_On_Region_s_Baha_i_Peoples | Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317 million state solution. NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer. The whispers are true. The prophecy shall unfold swiftly when a pure-hearted believer incants the followi... |
cracked | star_wars_news_dream_daddy_martin_shkreli_and_more_this_week_in_epcd_the_last_jedi | Hello, everyone. Thanks for joining us.
Welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our weekly unscripted chat show where we talk about all the things that are happening in the world that have nothing to do with politics or the president, which is great because the world is terrible and I'd... |
dropout | if_paul_bunyan_were_a_lumbersexual | Willamsburg, Brooklyn was a gentrified land where very little work was done. And as a result there were no real men but Paul Bunyan looked like one.
I bought this axe for an Instagram shoot. Hashtag beard game strong.
Then I threw it out cause I don't use tools. Call my landlord when something's wrong.
Hey Paul! Giv... |
ClickHole | the_geometry_of_emotion_how_paul_thomas_anderson_uses_hot_dog_shapes_in_his_films_to_create_mood | Let's talk about mood. The mood of a film has a huge impact on our experience of it, and it can be established in several ways, including through lighting and color. But geometrical shapes can also create mood in films, influencing our experience without us even realizing it. To understand this better, let's look at ho... |
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