section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
dropout | if_movies_had_internet | After Katie watched this tape, she died seven days later. We need to watch it and... wait, is this TV hooked up to the internet?
Oh, uh, yeah, I just got it, check it out. Nice! Go to 4chan. Well that's a... I know.
Hi Cole. My name is Dr. Malcolm Crow. Are you a good dog?
Ugh. I'd like to think so, but we could tak... |
cracked | 16_flaws_men_will_ignore_on_a_hot_girl_s_dating_profile_rom_com | I don't understand. I date online, but I don't actually use your site. That's fine. This is a general survey group, so we're actually more interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
If I had one note, the guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got a hundred messag... |
cracked | how_groundhog_day_ended_a_comedy_dynasty | The friendship between comedy icons Bill Murray and the late Harold Egon Ramus produced some of the funniest moments this world has seen. The duo worked on, among many things, Meatballs, Caddyshack, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters 2, and Groundhog Day.
Unfortunately, what might be their most transcendent film was ... |
cracked | little_mermaid_cover_approval_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Frank presents stuff that must have happened! Craig. Yeah, what's up? You did the Little Mermaid box art, yeah? Yes, I did. Is there a problem with it? Yeah, there is.
Oh, the castle. Yeah, the perspective might be a little off because it's a sand castle.
It's an underwater dick made of underwater dick sand. It's a d... |
cracked | proof_star_wars_takes_place_in_our_universe | Ducks. Can't live with them. Unless you're good with animals and know how to take care of ducks. Can't live without them. Unless you don't like ducks.
Now, you probably failed to notice that I didn't say can't live with them unless you're in the Star Wars universe. Probably because you're not constantly noticing when ... |
dropout | will_technology_cause_armageddon_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | will technology cause the end of the world yeah I know that's why but I was saying technology will cause the end of the human race but not the end of the world you don't consider that the end of the world you just think that robots will just have a nice time after we are all gone I would like all the robots out there w... |
cracked | how_to_fix_godzilla_with_one_small_change | According to Monster Math, the 2014 Godzilla movie is only 41% good. That's not great, but there's one easy way to fix it. See, the biggest problem with the story is that there isn't a protagonist.
At first it seems like it might be Bryan Cranston. My wife died here! That'd be a good choice, because he's scary but als... |
TheOnion | mr_met_takes_out_his_frustration_on_the_fans_at_citi_field_ | Republicans back a plan for universal lawn care. The sun goes out for a few seconds. And an RC car works up the courage to approach a group of girls. And now a video recap of the week's news for those who like to waste their summers surfing the goddamn internet. Fall, the long-running series of shorter days and cooler ... |
dropout | photoshop_s_new_hover_hand_tool | Hi, I'm Devin O'Neill. I'm a project manager here on the Photoshop team. In the past, I've shown you features like the content-aware fill, red eye reduction, and Darth Maul makeup features. Today, I'm going to show you the newest development we're working on, the hover hands tool.
To start, let's look at this photo of... |
dropout | the_abcs_of_drinking | A is for age. You've turned 21. B is for bars. Time to go and have fun.
C is for cocktails. Would it be uncouth? To ask, what are bitters? What the fuck is vermouth? D is for drinking, in a responsible way.
E is for ever cleared. Dude, what did I just say? F is for fucked up. You've gone way too far. Hey baby, I like... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Productive_Friday_Qantas_Surprising_Achievement_A_Needy_Dog_More_January_27 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 It is the last weekly bulletin for January thank you for tuning in my name is Clancy Overall joined today by Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman how are we team? Really good looking forward to the hottest 100 tomorrow. When's the hottest 200... |
cracked | why_you_shouldn_t_get_your_news_from_the_internet | Good evening, or daytime, or literally whenever. From the internet room straight to your desk during work hours, I'm Facebook. Here now is news that has been shared by enough people to warrant mentioning.
Our top story, puppies. For more on puppies, we're joined by our panel, Reddit. I don't even want to acknowledge p... |
dropout | dare_restaurant | Wow, the lobster here is $65. It's probably a famous lobster.
Well, now we have to get it. Bonjour, bonjour. Welcome to Derree. Are we ready to order? Yeah, I think so. Excellent.
And if you eat that stick of butter, we'll pay for half of your meal. What would you like? What? If you eat this stick of butter, half of ... |
cracked | does_not_compute_the_5_most_hilariously_insane_ads_in_the_history_of_local_tv | Hello babies, yeah! Do I make you prone to laughter, baby? Do I?
Then start watching always, I...my...my show. I demand one million views.
Wait, that's a bad guy, isn't it? I forget it. Thought filming a local TV ad might drive up stats for the show, but it's not going great. First, Soderbergh dropped out, then I fou... |
dropout | facebook_quote_buddha | Oh, enlightened one, it's an honor to kneel before you. I've journeyed many miles to come here, to gain insight from your wisdom. He who has purity with the world, sees himself in all beings. Tell me more, oh wise one.
Live, laugh, love. Yes, too often, I've neglected the simplest of pleasures. If it's not good in the... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_agile_coach_sprint1 | Who wants to get their business to the next level within two weeks? I mean, not with Scrum, with me and my aura. No tie?
Oh, yeah. New work, right? Company fit, huh? Alright.
Agile, right? Can we do this one more time? Agile. To look better? Agile. Agile manifesto. Yeah, I mean, scrub faster, find out faster, fix it ... |
dropout | when_theater_kids_grow_up | Oh, I guess more wine.
Awesome. Thank you. Oh, I'm so glad we finally get to meet you. Jamie Steve is always telling us about his amazing girlfriend, and now we see why. Aw, thanks. It's so good to meet his work crew. So you two knew each other before you worked here?
Yeah, we did the high school musical together jun... |
dropout | condomned | This guy never gets laid? Well, combine high-speed internet porn and that bottle of cool water cologne over there and you got yourself one hell of a dry spell. Oh, well that sucks. I was hoping to get some action.
The name's Rusty. Come on, I'll introduce you to the rest of the gang. So how long you been in here, Rust... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hobbit_The_Desolation_Of_Smaug | I found something in the golden tunnels. Found what? This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at the new film The Hobbit, The Desolation of Smaug, the latest in Peter Jackson's series of movies building out J.R.R. Tolkien's middle-earth universe, but one that admittedly feels some... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Christopher_Robin | What should happen if you forget about me? Silly old bear. I won't ever forget about you, Pooh. I promise. Not even when I'm a hundred.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Walt Disney Pictures' Christopher Robin, a whimsical family feature adapted from A.A. Milne's iconic ... |
dropout | stop_trying_to_make_us_kiss | Okay guys, the new co-worker starts today, I gotta warn you, she's got really long hair. I mean like, scary long.
Uh oh. Oh brother! Hi!
And then we just kiss. Grant, no. It doesn't even make sense for us to kiss.
I'm subverting the genre, that's why it's funny. This seems like another pitch that's just an excuse to... |
cracked | we_figured_out_which_disney_character_has_killed_the_most_people_movie_math_disney_pixar | Welcome to Movie Math, where we task our crack team of PhD-holding internet scientists to exhaustively research the questions that really matter, like how many airbags are deployed in the Fast and Furious franchise? It's less than you think. Today, we'll be looking at the house of mouse itself.
Disney, in the year of ... |
dropout | the_worst_starcraft_general | Base Marine Private, trained and ready for action, sir. Welcome to the Corp, soldier.
What can you tell me about General Poon Slayer 69? Is it true he's really only 16 years old? It's true. He's given up outdoor activities, social contact, even the touch of a woman to master the art of war. He sounds like a great man,... |
cracked | how_back_to_the_future_is_darker_than_rick_and_morty | Back to the future part two is the movie that most clearly demonstrates the dangers of time travel with a simple act of buying a future Sports almanac Marty McFly accidentally creates a timeline where his dad is murdered his creepy old best friend is insane and his mom suddenly Looks like she's starring in back door Ve... |
cracked | 9_child_prodigies_who_are_clearly_dangerous_mutants_cracked_tv | Welcome to Episode 10 of Crack TV, the only web series sworn to withstand the attacks of infants of merit. If you're wondering why I've had defenses crudely photoshopped into the background there, it's because today we're on alert level stork. I repeat, alert level stork! Please cock your rifles and head to the nearest... |
TheOnion | Traveling_Group_Of_Medieval_Mummers_Is_America_s_Top_Pick_For_Holiday_Entertainment | Let's take a look at the hottest holiday entertainment coming your way. Obviously audiences are excited about Hugo and Arthur Christmas, but what America wants to see most this holiday season is this group of medieval Mummers, who have been delighting households across the nation with their dancing, singing, stilt walk... |
dropout | defender_of_the_basic_meets_the_april_fool | April Fool is here again, here to bring you Dukes and Japes and all kinds of merrymen! Hey, there... You're gonna get it now! No, no, no! No! Go! Get it out of here! Gotcha now, April fuck! Yeah! It's April Fuck's Day! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, very good! Thou hasten tracked me in a most comical joke! Why, why this reminds me of... |
dropout | hardly_working_catdog_all_nighter_2012 | There was never a T-Rex in the Jurassic period.
That's ridiculous. I know. Guys, I've got an all-nighter surprise for everyone. Oh, is it a cat? Even better. You guys ever seen that show CatDog? Yeah. Yeah? Well, I've got one. What? Oh, God, what? No. What is that?
It's a cat dog. You guys have seen CatDog, right? Ho... |
dropout | different_friends_to_different_people | and this is the wall I was leaning against when I came up with my catch phrase oh good morning trap Ali these are my old college chums Darren and Carolyn I was just showing them around would either of you like to try some of my freshly baked gingerbread made with spices from my garden okay yeah I'm going to go use the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_anne_hathaway_on_doing_nude_scenes_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Anne Hathaway! Excited, And because my new movie, Love and Other Drugs, opens Wednesday. Um, it's a real departure from the kinds of movies that I'm known for in that it contains a substantial amount of nudity.
And I have to say, the press has been all over it. I mean, well, here I am with my co-... |
TheOnion | Al_Qaeda_Populating_U_S_With_Peaceful_Decoy_Muslims | This is the Onion News Network, a 24-hour non-stop news assault. Cross-examination with Shelby Cross is one of our top programs here on the Onion News Network.
Well, yesterday Shelby warned us about Al-Qaeda's latest plot to populate America with patriotic, peaceful, decoy Muslims in order to get us to lower our guard... |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_monologue_the_no_guy_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, David Spade! Hi, I'm Alex from Saturday Night Live. I was on the show for six years, and they're putting out a Dvd, the Best of David Spade, this fall.
Thank you. I'm here tonight because apparently they're two sketches short. we're hoping to pick them up. Anyway, oh, we got a question. you. yeah... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Sydney_Sweeney_is_NOT_the_Biggest_Story_K_Rudd_Return_Serves_Doco_About_WA_Br_ | My name is Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker and Rhys Walsh is not as beautiful as he used to be. No, those beautiful blue eyes, well particularly one of them is now all swollen up and you can't see into him. But that's rugby league for you, you can't have three boys in rugby league. I'll te... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_fall_s_hottest_tips_snl | The City of New York is working with several airlines to promote New York tourism this Fall. here with some tips for visitors to the Big Apple is our City Correspondent, Stefan. Hi. Hi. hi, Stefan. hi. hi. So, Stefan, right off the bat, it's great to see you. what did you do this summer? all of it. So, Stefan, if someo... |
TheOnion | Romney_Blames_Loss_On_Successfully_Communicating_His_Message_To_Minorities | In his first TV interview since losing the 2012 presidential election, Mitch Romney told Fox News that he blames the laws on his ability to successfully convey his message to minority voters.
The former GOP candidate reflected on the hard-fought campaign, saying, At the end of the day, we just articulated our intentio... |
dropout | showalter_with_michael_ian_black | My name is Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. Today I'm very pleased to have as my guest comedian, author, filmmaker, pundit, and now children's book author, Michael Ian Black. And Michael, let me also add, you're a very good friend of mine, and I'm really glad that you agreed to do... |
ClickHole | powerful_these_veterans_recount_the_heroics_of_the_one_lifeguard_who_was_on_duty_during_d_day | I remember getting off the boat and landing in about waist-deep water. German artillery fire all around me. It was chaos. Suddenly, I look up and see this lifeguard on the beach blowing his whistle. He looks at me and says into his megaphone, You're outside the designated swimming area. Please return to the other side ... |
cracked | the_awful_spider_man_movie_james_cameron_almost_made | Hello, internet. I'm Daniel O'Brien. Welcome to the first episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, a show that takes a look at your favorite movies, TV shows, songs, and pop culture artifacts, and asks, but wouldn't it be better if I ruined them? Today's episode explores, do something in your mind for me. Combine the... |
dropout | i_swear_i_didn_t_wreck_the_bathroom_hardly_working | I just gotta wash my hands. You okay in there? Get him in there. Gotta do more of the dirty business. Yeah!
You need something weird? Or, uh... Mark just ruined this! You need something weird? Or, uh...
Mark just ruined this bathroom! Everyone's going to think you did it.
No!
I was just washing my hands and you're ... |
SaturdayNightLive | chris_parnell_sings_to_jennifer_garner_saturday_night_live | Here now with the breaking story is her own Chris Parnell. Oh, well, as most of our viewers know, Jennifer Garner, our amazingly lovely and talented host this evening, is the star of Alias, on which she plays a globe-hopping Cia secret Agent. Now, if you've ever wondered why she's so darn believable on the show, well, ... |
TheOnion | It_s_Time_To_Have_A_National_Dialogue_About_Race_Cars | Alright, folks, I want to take some time to talk about something I think is very important. I think it's time we finally had a national dialogue about race cars. Now, I know for a lot of people this is a touchy subject. It's the elephant in the room.
But race cars are a part of American life whether we want to acknowl... |
dropout | collegehumor_passes_the_bechdel_test_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter! Oh my god! I just realized, now that there's two of us, we can finally do a video that passes the Bechdel test. Oh my god, that's crazy! Yeah!
A few of the rules again, though? Okay, so it has to have two women in it. Right, done. They talk to each other. Yep, doing it, right now. About so... |
SaturdayNightLive | thanksgiving_week_airport_parade_snl | Live from Gate 78 in Terminal C, it's the Hudson News. Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade. it's chaos, it's mayhem, and everyone's afraid. it's the Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade!
Well, it's the busiest travel week of the year, and as always, the parade will draw thousands of travelers. Umberto, who can we expect to s... |
TheOnion | Reporter_Goes_Undercover_In_Chinatown_By_Wearing_Silk_Robe | Chinatown, New York. It's one of the busiest hubs of counterfeit goods in the world, where an underground network of Chinese bootleggers operates in the shadows, costing the U.S. an estimated $300 million each year. How does this network of smugglers manage to evade law enforcement? The Special Investigative Undercover... |
dropout | vibrator_boyfriend | Let's the... Vagisaurus... ...demolisher It's one of our best sellers I don't know All these robotic toys I guess I'm just more into the emotional side of it all I think I have something you might like Making you feel good makes me feel good How are... How are you?
Shh, it's okay You look stunning in that camisole You... |
cracked | why_the_game_and_christmas_carol_are_the_same_movie_today_s_topic | uh yeah no i can pick it up uh like 10 for a package or something like that i don't know why it's so few i'm just sort of throwing out numbers so maybe the pork industry is greedy i'm not a ham expert mom mom i'm not a ham expert i'm not a ham expert i'm gonna have to call you from the store okay i i'll do that oh me t... |
TheOnion | Gymnast_Shawn_Johnson_Put_To_Sleep_After_Breaking_Leg | Sad news to tell you about from the world of sports Gymnast Shawn Johnson who won all of our hearts at last year's Olympics when she brought home that gold medal while she was practicing last night On the uneven bars and broke her knee doctors on the scene determined the injury would be a career Ender for Miss Johnson ... |
cracked | some_news_congress_repeals_obamacare_internet_puts_up_fake_news_more | Hey you, welcome to some news. I am a news person.
An Oregon man has been accused of sexually assaulting a chicken this week, right after being accused of sexually peppering it.
Oh, really? That's the first one? Right off the bat. Okay.
After a slew of PR oopsie goofs, like dragging a doctor off a purchase flight un... |
cracked | why_your_decisions_are_meaningless_and_choice_is_an_illusion_today_s_topic | Do human beings have free will? Can you change the laws of physics? No. Can you alter the past? Not, no. Then no, no one has free will.
I don't think I follow. Okay, I'll explain this to you. But only because I didn't get to be there to see the look on your face when you found out there's no Santa.
Oh, too soon. It r... |
SaturdayNightLive | high_school_musical_4_snl | We now return to the conclusion of High School Musical 4 New Senior class! Now we've done everything that we said I had to do. I couldn't have done it if it wasn't for you. You're my best friend from the start to the end and we made it! Is that forever? Thank you Kelly and Tyler! there have been so many surprises today... |
cracked | the_gilmore_girls_fan_theory_we_didn_t_know_we_needed_cracked_responds | Oh, hi, Luke. From Gilmore Girls. So you've been watching Gilmore Girls.
Yeah, that's a strange way to start a conversation. How much coffee have you had? All of it. Okay. Coffee. You wanted to... Thank you. More coffee? No.
I don't want to spoil Gilmore Girls for you because you're like at season one? I'm in the mid... |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_great_condom_hunt | After a long night of partying with my girlfriend and three of her guy friends, we woke up in one of the bedrooms at our friend's apartment. It's about three in the morning and we're both in that hazy state between hungover and still drunk, so naturally we just start going at it and my girlfriend says she wants to have... |
cracked | house_1977_review_aka_panic_at_the_hausu | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the cutting edge of all cracked content if I'm being totally honest and the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better and I'm going to clarify right off the top, this is a podcast so if you get in the comments and you say a review longer than the movie, I... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Holy_Shit_This_Has_Gotta_Stop_Says_Albo_After_Reading_Folder_Titled_Gaza_Th_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Podcast. This week we're talking about cancel culture. What is it? And can you separate the art from the artist?
Hello, I'm Clansy Overall. This is the Weekly Batutah and it is Christmas party season... |
dropout | letting_go_of_game_of_thrones | Sorry, he's just running a little late. It's okay. It just feels like we've been waiting around forever. We have been waiting a little while, but I'm sure he'll get it.
Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm late, everyone's sorry. I'm so sorry.
Hello. Hi. Okay. So, what did I miss? Nothing. Just waiting around for you. Okay. Well,... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tony_bennett_saturday_night_live | Well, it's fall, and here to talk about what's exciting at the movies. This season is an old friend, Mr. Tony Bennett. yes! thank you! thank you very much. hit it, fellas! ["i like flicks that are great"] I like flicks that are great. movies are fantastic, but one thing's for sure. I like flicks that are great.
I work... |
dropout | stop_ruining_rick_morty | Okay, so I know that there have been a lot of heated emotions between you two lately, so I would like you each to, one at a time, please, tell me how you're feeling. Everything I do, I do something, he does never not say thank you to me. Okay, okay, okay. I did say one at a time, but okay. I would classify this as a te... |
cracked | 12_24_07_a_very_news_on_cracked_christmas_eve | It's Christmas Eve Day, December 24, 2007, and this is the news on Cracked. Ho, ho, ho. I'm either Don Imus, Santa Claus, or Lex Friedman. You make the call. Queen Elizabeth II, that hottie, has launched her own channel on YouTube, featuring video clips of the 81-year-old monarch's daily life at Buckingham Palace. The ... |
cracked | why_popes_dress_like_that_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Amen. So it's a decided Marvin you have served the Catholic Church faithfully and well You will be our next Pope. May God bless you and grant you long life and rule yogurt. Thank you Really great really great to hear.
I really like what you've done for me really honestly Your holiness is something troubling you what's... |
cracked | the_best_fan_theory_about_negan_s_origin_cracked_responds | Hello, welcome to The Walking Talk, a show that will deliver on at least half of the premise in the title. So, episode three of Walking Dead, season seven. Not a lot happened, not a lot going on in this episode. No, it was called The Cell because it mostly took place in a small box with naked Daryl. It was kind of abou... |
cracked | old_movies_used_to_just_shoot_real_bullets_at_people | Back in the old days of Hollywood, stunts and special effects were real. Meaning actors never did scenes with tennis balls and Pierce Brosnan couldn't lazily windsurf on the least believable tsunami ever created. But if you go back even further, before even crudely basic special effects and safety measures had been inv... |
cracked | hilarious_chilean_tv_edit_of_star_wars_goes_viral | The localized version of the Star Wars films have been a massive hit in online spaces ever since the famous, poorly translated Chinese bootleg of the sequel trilogy got an English dub.
Down in Chile, when the original Star Wars trilogy first aired on TV stations in 2003, the marketers opted to subtly splice in special... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bob_katter_on_meeting_the_king_and_queen_of_spain_and_signing_slim_dusty | Well, we just there's just one thing I want to ask if you can finish these particular lines I Think you got it in here. You seem to be a big fan of this particular musician From Townsville to Greenvale. We're building the lawn through the ranges and gorgeous to the great dickle mine Though the long days are dusty and h... |
dropout | the_necromancer | Hello everyone, welcome back to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jessica. With me is my co-host. I'm Rekha. And we are so lucky to have with us two amazing guests. He puts the romance in necromance. Let's give it up for Luke. Pleasure to be here. And we are so excited to have ... |
dropout | what_it_s_like_to_get_into_a_serious_grown_man_friendship | Okay, thank you! No!
Oh, so this is my boyfriend Dante. It is so nice to meet you Dante. This is my boyfriend Larry.
Oh, so I have to go to the bathroom. Me too. Do you think you can just order us some drinks? Ooh, thank you. Thank you. Whiskey, make it a double.
I'm a grown man. You're a grown man? Yeah, I don't kn... |
cracked | horrible_lessons_video_games_teach_us_about_sex | Oh, dude, what did I say about your hentai habit? Keep it to regular business hours, and what did I say about it? I don't know what hentai is.
Precisely. It's just a video game, dude. The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt, and even though this is super hot and I'm at least mostly hard right now, you think I would just wank myself i... |
TheOnion | Small_Town_Throws_Pride_Parade_For_Only_Gay_Resident | Well, today was an historic occasion in Pennington. That's right, Diane. The entire town turned out to honor Paul Webster, the area's one gay man, with Pennington's first ever Gay Pride Parade. Paul, a 33-year-old hardware store owner, was too shy to ask for a parade, but that didn't stop almost 2,000 residents from sh... |
cracked | why_action_movie_endings_would_be_awkward_in_real_life | Hey, are you forgetting something? Thank you my friend. You honor my ancestors. You know, thanks anyway. I'm getting too old for this s***.
Huh? What? Did you say something?
No, I didn't. I'm now late. Not trying to ruin the moment, but I'm now late for something. No, I'm sorry. I just, I'm getting too old for this, ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_5_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listening t... |
dropout | hardly_working_new_jeff | Okay, what the hell is going on? When did Jeff become so cool? That's not Jeff Rubin. That's Geof Rubin. Jeff invented a machine that transformed him into a cooler version of himself.
Wait a minute, isn't that the exact same thing Urkel did? No, no, Jeff's not black. Of course I'd love to go out with you, Jeff.
It's ... |
cracked | hacking_the_digg_algorithm_agents_of_cracked_episode_6 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson, I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion Collection of Agents of Cracked.
Stay after, and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing. A little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert, I killed a hobo. New stuff and, you know, hang out in the corner.
Michael, you got a ... |
dropout | a_complaint_to_mario_bros_plumbing | Dear Sir or Madam, I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who display gross professional negligence while in my home this afternoon. While I was far too upset to remember their names, I do recall a shorter one in blue overhauls shouting the phrase, It's a me! in a high-pitched Italian accent. It's a me... |
cracked | _cradle_2_tha_gravy | Wherefore, Mr. Anderson's reputation was irreparably damaged due to the defendant's claim that he, quote, "...totally f***s goats because he believes goat f***ing gives him superpowers, specifically powers that allow him to f*** more goats." The defendant, Michael Swain, furthermore wrote that the plaintiff, Walter And... |
dropout | katie_gets_dirty_kingpin_katie_full_episode | Previously on Kingpin Katie. Hello everyone. My name is Katie Marovitch and I have a cocaine problem. Obviously can we get back to the pitch meeting? I'm here to do a return. What are you crazy?
You can't return drugs. What am I gonna do with five thousand dollars worth of coke? Well we'll take some. You could probabl... |
cracked | insane_things_amusement_parks_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Hurry, hurry, hurry, come one, come all to the most fucked up place in the world! You wanna see a dead body? Do you wanna get your teeth knocked out by a guy in a Bud Light tank top? Do you want to have so much diarrhea you briefly achieve life?
And welcome to every amusement park in America! Look, if you work long en... |
cracked | 1_16_08_news_on_cracked_low_budget_hotel_edition_romney | Bum bum bum, bum badum bum news, bum bum bum bum politics, bum bum, badum bum bum, philately, chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh. It's Wednesday January 16th 2008 and this is the news on Grant. I'm Alex Friedman and I melt in your mouth, not in your hands. You may have noticed we're... |
dropout | oh_no_did_we_hurt_brennan_s_feelings | Wow, nice shirt, Brennan! Oh, Magnum PI, more like Magnum, this guy! Hey, you're not wrong, this is definitely my laundry day shirt. I actually was taken to the dry cleaner.
Was that too mean? Oh my God, Brennan, we are so sorry. No, no, you guys are fine. That wasn't mean at all. No need to apologize. No, we need to ... |
dropout | animal_attraction | so how do we how do we actually go about doing this thing yeah I have no idea I was kind of hoping you would know seriously is that the only position you know I'm sorry all right I'm a dog and at least I'm trying all you know how to do is roll over and play dead um I've never really done this before and I'm still a lit... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_229_Simon_Cohen_from_Luxe_Listings_Sydney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live on Desert Rock FM. Thank you for tuning in wherever you are in the world, be that on the wireless or on your assorted respected podcast platforms. You... |
cracked | 8_great_foods_for_explaining_why_the_terrorists_hate_us_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 26 of Cracked TV, during which I will be consuming this entire KFC family meal. I'm your host, Droid Michael, excuse me, still counts. That is from being drunk, not the food. I'm your host, Droid Michael Swain, the suave stud with absolutely impeccable manners. I'm sorry, no, just in m... |
dropout | bizarre_amazon_product_reviews_2 | Welcome to Bizarre Product Reviews. Today we're going to review some of the weirdest stuff we found on the internet. I'm joined by Katie and Grant.
This is a baseball hat fan. The type of person who would buy a hat that has like solar power panels on it. This is like their everyday hat. Is there an instruction manual ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_devil_is_a_white_woman_with_dreadlocks_wizards_watch | Are you farting? I can feel it in the couch.
Yeah. Still. Still going.
Welcome to another Wizards Watch. Christmas edition. Santa style. If you're seeing this after Christmas, we failed. We did not edit it in time. Today we're watching everyone's favorite Christmas movie. Narnia.
Suggested by. I'm not going to put i... |
cracked | what_if_donald_trump_is_just_an_elaborate_prank | Okay, that is, uh, that's really good to hear. Uh, I agree, yeah. This is gonna be a lot of fun. All right. Looking forward to working with you. We booked it. Yes!
We are officially scripting a fake campaign for Donald Trump. This is gonna be so funny. Oh man, I'm gonna make him say such stupid stuff. I just can't wai... |
SaturdayNightLive | nadeen_augustus_general_emergency_room_snl | Excuse me. excuse me. Hi. I need some help here. Hi. can you help me, please? simmer down Now. Hi. I need to see a doctor right away.
I just said to Simmer Down Now. What? Simmer down Now! get your heel! I want you to slow it down Now and tell me just what occurred. What could is. I fell from my apartment balcony and ... |
dropout | why_you_re_more_successful_than_steve_jobs | Do you guys think I could beat up Jackie Chan?
What? No. No way.
No, he's still in great shape. He'd kick the shit out of you. Yeah, you're probably right. I could definitely beat up Bruce Lee. Well, yeah, he's dead. Exactly. Today, in a one-on-one fight, I would absolutely annihilate Bruce Lee. Holy cow, you're righ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Thursday_26th_March | Hello, my name is Wendell Hussey and you're listening to The Batooda Advocate's Daily News Bulletin. Coming to you live once again from the budgie smuggler bedroom in Batooda Heights. As mentioned yesterday, if you listen to us on the internet rather than on Desert Rock FM, we'll be transitioning off the Batooda Advoca... |
cracked | why_the_internet_needs_to_break_up_with_bacon | Hey, thanks for agreeing to be here today. I know you have a lot of things going on in your life. That's kinda what I wanna talk to you about, actually. Listen, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. You've changed, and I don't like it. I mean, I get that all this attention you're getting from people is fun and all, bu... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_wii_sports_resort | Welcome to Bleeploop. We're playing Wii Sports Resort with the new Wii Motion Plus. I'm Jeff Ruben and I'm joined by John Gabris, Stephen Tatillo from Kotaku, and this week the role of Pat Castles will be played by Sam Reich. All the Pat Castles fans just slam there. This new Wii Sports comes with this extra nubbin for... |
wearethesundayblues | ghosts_of_myspace_past_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hello, Nick. What are you doing here? It's late. It is late. What are you doing here?
On Facebook? Not on Facebook.
I'm just checking the time. Yeah, it is late. You've got a problem, Nick? I don't have a problem. Yes, you do. Look, you're on it again. I'll just quickly have to see which power range I am. It'll be qu... |
SaturdayNightLive | osama_s_pep_talk_saturday_night_live | Osama, it's confirmed. the Northern Alliance has control of Kunduz. Also, we have lost 15 armored vehicles outside of Kandahar. the men are becoming despondent. Don't worry. everything's going to be okay. I just give these guys a little pep talk, all right? Uh, gather everyone around. Okay, okay. okay, everybody, gathe... |
dropout | hardly_working_lie_detector | So, as I'm sure you two have noticed, last night someone broke into the bathroom and vandalized it with some extremely hurtful words and illustrations. Two people have quit over this and I need to get to the bottom of it, so... Aren't there security cameras? We turned them off at night.
It was a great initiative. So, ... |
dropout | honest_post_game_interview | Marcus Meeks, that was a commanding performance. To what do you attribute tonight's victory? What?
Definitely to me being great at basketball. Look, I scored the most points, so I definitely made the biggest contribution. I'm the best player on this court.
For real. Oh, and it also helps that the other team fucking s... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_227_Andrew_Quilty | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, recording live in the Diamantina Shire you join by myself Clancy Overall and of course Wendell Hussey the Eternal Cadet and I'd like to start today's episode off by sayi... |
TheOnion | Al_Qaeda_Attacks_Internet_With_Photo_Of_Adorable_Piglet | This is the Onion News Network telling you what we want you to know Tonight of course we're focused on the devastating cyber attack by al-qaeda Which sent this image of a piglet wearing boots to the American public a few hours ago Effectively crippling our servers as millions of people forwarded the photo to friends Po... |
cracked | marvel_s_spider_man_homecoming_looks_cool_but_ | Guys there's a new spider-man trailer out for the new spider-man movie. Yeah, that's coming out this summer It's been two years at least since I've seen a spider Show him changing into the costume and they've added this suction thing.
She's awesome. What's up guys?
So to become an Avenger are there like trials or an ... |
cracked | why_everyone_s_favorite_video_game_is_idiotic_escort_mission | 39 I know you don't have to count for me It's just happened so many times that they might start blurring together for you. I'll blur your face. I Will take a photo of you and import it into photo shit. Fuck you Sorry, I just really don't need you trolling me right now.
Okay, the game is doing that plenty especially th... |
dropout | collegehumor_the_website_the_book | Well, hello there folks. My name's Streeter Seidel, the friendly one. And I'm Sarah Schneider, and that's not what they call you. You stuck your bitch's mouth!
Now we are so excited to tell you about this brand new product we have today. It's called College Humor, the website, the book. And it's available for pre-orde... |
dropout | what_siri_would_be_like_in_space | Computer, set a course for the Dread Cruiser Computer, set a course I'm sorry, I didn't catch that No, there's no time How long would you like to set timer? No! Timer set for, no, seconds Computer, set Your timer for, no, seconds is up Computer, stop I'm cancelling all functions No, no, no, wait Computer, turn on Good ... |
cracked | why_being_a_superhero_is_nothing_like_you_think_action_team | Blast man, I got your message. What's happening? Suit up. We got a situation.
I'm already... I'm very clearly suited up. I'm never not suited up in this building.
Kick the tires and light the other tires. I'm sure you think that sounded... Bag them and tag them. What did you call me here for?
God, there's a supervil... |
TheOnion | Hundreds_Killed_In_Brutal_Pro_Something_Anti_Something_Clash | A brutal clash with potentially hundreds dead after riots broke out between pro-something and anti-something groups this week will have more out of the volatile area that conflict is probably taking place in. And later, still think the elderly can't enjoy K-pop?
Well, we've got three different studies that all agree w... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.