section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
TheOnion | Who_s_Fucking_Isaac_and_Doris | I first met Doris in July of 1959. He was just getting out of the service, and he was a very handsome man. But I was just 19, I wasn't looking for the one.
I asked her to the movies, North by Northwest, I seem to recall, but she said no. I was persistent though, and 55 years later, we're still fucking. When you've bee... |
SaturdayNightLive | airplane_snl | Afternoon Passengers: This is your captain speaking. Clear skies ahead. We should be landing in Newark in three hours.
You okay baby? Oh babe. I think the baby's coming. Oh my God. Excuse me everyone. My wife is in labor.
Is there a doctor on board? please? We need a doctor. Is anyone a doctor?
I'm a lawyer. What? T... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Mecca_Cosmetics_Release_Tutorial_For_How_To_Perfect_Those_Smokey_Reece_Walsh_Eye_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin we're so happy to have you here with us again me Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman here to read you the headlines the biggest headlines that make up the Batutah Advocates weekly bulletin... |
SaturdayNightLive | bug_off_ad_saturday_night_live | Roaches. eliminating them from your home should be safe as well as effective. most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roaches central nervous system, paralyze them, and eventually kill them. can't we do better than that? Well, now you can, with new Bug-off Roach Trap. roaches are attracted to bu... |
dropout | i_ll_make_like_to_you_with_romany_malco | Let's relax, keep it cash You broke up with anger, right?
Hey tonight is just tonight My place is close to here I came on my by have a seat I wanna drink, yeah I got your late night tags Hey hey, let's not tell our friends We can't quit any time Baby no questions, I'll make a life to you When it's easy to, no commitme... |
cracked | 4_entertainment_franchises_you_re_enjoying_wrong_dummy_yboc | Hello nerds, it's me, your hero, Dr. Jordan Breeding. You're watching your brain on crack. The only internet show that dares to ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you the way that you are?
Did you know that- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Like a substitute teacher i... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jada_pinkett_smith_on_her_marriage_to_will_smith_snl | Jada Pinkett Smith has been making some ways with some of the revelations in her new memoir, Worthy. here to comment is Jada Pinkett Smith. good to see you, Michael. thank you for coming to the Red Table. All right. sorry if I seem a little tired. I've been on the Today Show 14 times in three days. yeah, you're getting... |
dropout | Play_It_By_Ear_Season_2_Trailer | Five minutes to show time. Wait, do you know your lines? No, do you? No.
Perfect. Play It By Ear is back. The musical improv show where anything can happen. You know the one. It's the dumbest thing I've ever done. What the is happening? I cannot wait to see how this gets closed captioned. Our performers don't know wha... |
TheOnion | After_Obama_Victory_Shrieking_White_Hot_Sphere_Of_Pure_Rage_Early_GOP_Front_Runner_For_2016 | Just yesterday, Barack Obama was re-elected to a second term as president, but that doesn't mean it's too early to start looking ahead at potential GOP candidates for 2016. Some experts say a front-runner has already emerged in the form of this shrinking white hot sphere of pure rage. The sphere seen here decimating ho... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_meeting_girls_with_playstation_online | This is Bleep Bloop, I'm your host Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with Pat Castle, Sarah Schneider, and because we couldn't find a fourth person, we are going to make some friends online playing Little Big Plan. I can play if you guys want, I'm not doing anything, don't you need fourth for the Bleep Bloop then?
We... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_thomas_middleditch | Welcome to the stage Bob Evans what are these doing here I don't know they're flutes and I wanted to get a slide whistle you know for my comedy routine I couldn't find one so I borrowed my son's little flutes here so if you ever hear a joke and I you know I'll just yeah you know and you'll know that it is a joke hello ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_hunting | Welcome to Bleak Loop. I am Jeff Rubin. This week my guest is Emily Axford and as always my co-host is Pat Cassels.
Today we are playing Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2013 with the heart rate sensing fear master gun. How does the light gun work on this TV screen? I know there's a lot of questions right now about the fear m... |
cracked | the_3_worst_lessons_taught_by_80s_sports_movies_after_hours | See, I just always assumed that inspirational jock jams were playing on a constant loop in your head. I've got a date tonight, my blu-ray is broken. Fine, you can borrow my tapes, but I'm warning you. Chicks hate watching porn from just one angle. No, Michael, I just like to watch Rocky IV before big moments. You know,... |
Wizards_with_Guns | shorts | Okay, so tell me. Alright, so there's this dad, right? Yeah, okay. And his son's name is PeePee. Okay.
And he keeps like yelling at him.
PeePee! PeePee, get back here! PeePee!
I don't think that's a good... Watch out! That was a close one.
What? Did you just... Did I just what?
But, I must be imagining things. I d... |
dropout | your_favorite_shameful_flavors_as_chips | America! Chomsky's newest flavors are finally here for a limited time only, so catch them all you can! Chomsky's is proud to announce our brand new shameful flavors! We've got 12 new shameful flavors for you to try today! They're all the flavors you like, but no you aren't supposed to!
And don't forget pickle juice! S... |
dropout | If_Character_Stats_Worked_In_Real_Life_Troopers_Animated | Rich! I did it! I stole Treadlord's tablet. What? How in the galaxy did you do that? Like a master thief. I took it from the bathroom where he left it on accident.
Check it out. It's got everyone's grades. Grades? Yeah, look.
Finley, three strength. Robin, four charisma.
Whoa, it's us. What? This can't be right. A o... |
SaturdayNightLive | memorable_weekend_update_moments_season_48_saturday_night_live | Ah, I told them not to laugh at your favorite things. I was truly like, am I not mic'd? And then I was just like, oh, I just suck.
Last month's Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell expressed concern about Republicans' chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. here to explain what he meant is Mitch Mcconnell... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Punters_Politics | Welcome back to the Batuda Advocate radio show podcast known officially as Batuda Talks. You've got myself Clancy Overall and you've got Wendell Hussey here and today we're interviewing a bloke that I just keep seeing everywhere. Of course I don't see him on mainstream television stations, I don't see him on billboards... |
cracked | 12_25_07_news_on_cracked_a_cracked_christmas_special | It's December 25, 2007, Christmas Day, or as I call it, Tuesday, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'd just like to take a moment to say, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, baby Jesus, Happy Birthday to you, and many more. Hello fellow bored Jews, we'll do what we can to ... |
TheOnion | In_The_Know_Has_Halloween_Become_Overcommercialized | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is staying off the grid until things cool down. The Halloween season is upon us once again, but with Americans spending an estimated $54 billion this season, many lament that we seem to have lost touch with the true meaning of the holiday. Are they right? Absolutely... |
dropout | start_up_guys_shoot_a_commercial | Alright guys, this one's being sponsored by Boone and Johnny's ice cream, so we really want to make it great. You got it. Action! That's the thing about ice cream, Pat. If you leave it outside, it melts.
Oh, okay. Wait, what? Pass, Sambo. Sorry, relax.
What are you guys doing here? Long story long, last night, Brody ... |
cracked | 4_tv_ads_that_depict_terrifying_alternate_universes_after_hours | Every one of your meals is a lie. All the pictures that made you choose your food aren't even food. That's it? It's not like there's fly larva in the batter or the chocolate milk is actually bloody milk from over milk in the cows and I just put chocolate in it to cover up the blood, to cover up the blood. No, just look... |
dropout | actor_takes_out_mentos_during_civil_war_movie | You have not gone, and yet I find myself already missing your embrace. Mary, my body may be leaving for a cold battlefield, but my spirit will always remain warm here with you. Oh, Jasper, why must this awful war carry you away?
I'm sorry, can we cut? Cut! I love what was happening here. What's up, Lawrence?
It's jus... |
SaturdayNightLive | manny_the_mafia_boss_can_t_hear_snl | Ok, Joey, I got a lot of people to see today. you want to talk to me? what's on your mind? I'll tell you what's on my mind. I've been running smack for you for five years. I want a bigger piece of the east coast action. or I go into business on my own. what did you say to me? what the hell did you say to me?
Maybe my ... |
dropout | pitch_a_pyramid_scheme_for_5500 | Ali, you're going to spend a day as a salesperson for America's top fake supplements company, Herbalway. It's a multi-level marketing scheme where the only money you can make is if you find new salesmen to sell with you. You are going to give your roommates a hard sell on both the Herbalway products and the Herbalway c... |
cracked | 6_horrifying_videos_that_prove_nature_is_trying_to_kill_us | Hey, and welcome to the show, which we have finally named the Spitash Spitaki. The spit ache. Welcome to the show.
This is the Purple Ribbon All Stars performing Kryptonite, which is my favorite song to listen to while I throw handfuls of money in the air. Speaking of making it rain, this episode is about... Hey, I'm ... |
TheOnion | Man_Doesn_t_Even_Do_Good_Job_At_Sleeping | Along with his consistently poor performance at work, his inability to maintain lasting relationships and his general lack of common everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping. When I get out of bed in the morning, my back aches, my neck is stiff, an... |
dropout | Dinosaurs_Were_Technically_Birds_No_Laugh_Newsroom | It's Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Lips Lo... |
cracked | the_most_cringe_worthy_true_tales_of_teenage_romance | I was raised by pop culture as a kid, and also currently, so all of my ideas about love and relationships were based on the romantic comedy side scene. When I was 17 I wrote a poem for a girl that I was dating when I went away for Christmas break and I thought it was so good that I saved a copy for myself.
As the sun ... |
dropout | donald_trump_will_never_be_president_or_will_he | Hey, Trapp, how are you? I'm doing great.
It's a beautiful day, and Trump is the Republican presidential nominee. And that's a good thing. Oh, sure. The GOP has basically thrown this election away. The future's looking bright.
Unless he somehow wins the election. God, he's only one election away from becoming the mos... |
cracked | 5_videos_that_tried_to_be_cute_but_failed_hilariously_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 15 of Crack TV, where wearing sweater vests always is mandatory. Seriously, if I don't, they dock my pay. Isn't that right, orientation guy from the Hudsucker proxy? I'm a doctor!
Due to conditions placed on our receiving of government bailout money, today's topic is five videos they ... |
SaturdayNightLive | vincent_price_s_thanksgiving_special_snl | Thanksgiving, a holiday originating with the pagan festival of Grabnosh-nishnak, where naked, blood-soaked man-beast feasted on the entrails of peasant children. it was either that or the pilgrims came up with it. you know, I don't really know. I went to a small school. it was just me and joyther guys. Nevertheless, it... |
dropout | the_12_beards_of_christmas | Santa? Hey, do you have any herbal teas? I don't really do dairy. Chamomile or milk thistle would be great, please. Santa?
Oh, I've got... Here's some pickles my buddy Tristan makes in Brooklyn. And here's a screenplay I wrote. I'm trying to get into Demetri Martin's hands.
Santa? And what up, tiny player? What you g... |
dropout | ugh_political_comedy_is_the_worst | Okay, in our last announcement before the writers' meeting, we have a fire drill tomorrow, which also means that in addition to the air drill, water drill, and earth drill we've already done, we'll have all the drills!
Hey guys, knock knock knock, just wanted to stop by and say we'd love to get some more political com... |
SaturdayNightLive | herpes_gone_bananas_snl | Mom? Yes, dear. how come Daddy isn't home yet, huh? Well, you know he's just been promoted to a very special job. uh-huh. does that mean doesn't work on lips no more? No, dear. that was when your father was Herbie's Simplex one. he's Herbie's Simplex two now. is that higher up, Mom? Well, not exactly. it's actually low... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_titanic | I'm the king of the world! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Titanic, James Cameron's thought-provoking exploration of whether or not boys can float. This blockbuster smash broke box office records, but it's also loaded with little-known trivia and behind-the-scenes stories that will change the way you watch Titanic forever. You probably ... |
dropout | hinting_that_you_re_queer_too | Geronimo. It's not like the NSA to be late. There was an armed guard on the way in.
There's nothing I couldn't handle.
Do you have the drive? You see that gentleman over there next to the dame in red? He's in his breast pocket. I'll make a pull and pass it to you. Brill, are you reading this? Who is this guy? His nam... |
dropout | the_parasite_you_probably_have | Well, hey there, welcome to What the Facts, our companion show to What the F-101. My name's Jake Young, and I'm super jazzed about the Parasite episode. It's just all really gross facts about the wriggly ways that parasites can get into your body and the violent, horrifying ways that they come out of them. And I wanted... |
cracked | why_50_shades_of_grey_was_clearly_written_by_an_alien | Hi, I'm Carmen Angelica, and today I want to talk about something a little sexy, Fifty Shades of Grey. Maybe you've heard of it, it sold 125 million copies worldwide and became a box office hit in the theater. So I gave it a read, and I'm going to say Fifty Shades of Grey is so obviously written by a young, horny, hung... |
ClickHole | the_great_exodus_rabbis_explain_the_story_of_passover | So, you want to know the story of Passover, the tale of the great exodus out of Egypt? It's a tale that has been passed down from generation to generation for thousands of years. Long ago, the Israelites were slaves in the land of Egypt, and the Pharaoh was very cruel to them.
He made the Israelites build gigantic sta... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_raheem_abdul_muhammed_on_the_moral_majority_snl | And now, with our commentary on Tv, is our movie and Tv critic, Raheem Abdul-mahamad. Raheem. shut up! I'm mad. I'm upset with the moral majority, man.
How can y'all sit there in your living room and say that it's too much sex, drugs, and violence on Tv? it ain't enough. Tv is boring, man. ain't nothing good on Tv no ... |
cracked | the_horrifying_true_story_of_st_patrick_s_day | Ha someone forgot to wear green on st. Patty's day this again seriously stupid st. Patty's day Okay, you know, I'm Irish right, you know that we were green today for a reason, you know because St. Patrick's Day is sacred because st. Patrick rid Ireland of vicious snakes because st. Patrick Who's someone st.
Patrick hi... |
cracked | that_bad_movie_accent_makes_more_sense_than_you_know | Example, okay, um, babies, all of them babies. I'm gonna sort it out. I'm Jerome Butler. We're here to talk about my work as a dialect coach in film and television. When it comes to accuracy of accents versus performance, the performance is always more important. You take a movie like Something About Mary, where you ha... |
cracked | julia_roberts_could_have_been_cast_as_harriet_tubman_movie_what_ifs | I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Wow! That was uncomfortable for everybody.
Okay, look, before you get mad at me, this young Julia Roberts is Harriet Tubman. I want to make this very, very clear. This was an actual idea, an actual Hollywood executive once actually proposed. Yes, so... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_gunter_granz | Watch this ridiculous... Hey, who is that guy? Is that new German marketing whiz they are? Yeah, hello.
Sorry. I heard what you said about my Germanism and I know it's my first day. No, I'm not trying to burn bridges but it's making me very uncomfortable. I have to go say something to HR. Oh, no. So sorry, I didn't me... |
cracked | wolverine_was_almost_played_by_mario_the_gladiator_or_danzig_movie_what_ifs | Must have been a bad couple of weeks.
It's hard to imagine Wolverine being portrayed by anything other than Hugh Jackman's rippling abs. But Jackman actually was an X-Men writer, Chris Claremont's first choice to play the character. And no. It's not like Claremont just wanted some other shredded slice of attractive ma... |
TheOnion | Snakes_In_A_Bag_America_s_Best_Ep_4 | Today we've had the pleasure of meeting some of the most talented Americans on the show so far and we also got to meet this guy Ted Drix Okay, I'm Ted Drix 64 years old been on disability for 25 years since I fell off a roof. So when it would be nice for me I never done nothing like this. So I want to try and do good f... |
dropout | theme_park_that_s_definitely_safe_and_totally_not_dangerous | With new attractions, the Splash Planet Water Park and Strobe of Genius Nighttime Spectacular, there's more magic than ever at Magic Point Park. And this year, no one's died yet. I'm Sarah, let's go! Since Magic Point Park's grand opening way back in 1963, millions of guests have experienced the magic for themselves, a... |
dropout | save_greendale_with_the_cast_of_community | The following was paid for with the budget for Greendale Athletics. Don't tell them. In there, okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Hi, Dean Pelton.
Uh, due to a teensy little attendance problem and a rather tenacious grease fire, Greendale has to close its doors for a few months. But while we're away, we hope you won't forget all th... |
cracked | 5_mistakes_in_ant_man_and_the_wasp_quantumania_cinemistakes | What's up, you guys? You already know who it is. It's your boy, Steven, from Cinema Sticks, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer them, okay? We burn to the ground. Now, you might be thinking, why the hell should I listen to this guy?
Okay, I hold the world record for most one-star ... |
cracked | the_3_worst_lessons_hiding_in_children_s_movies_after_hours | Gross not trying to be controversial. I have done the research. This can't be what we talk about tonight 18 to 24 You know they used to be my favorite number range Stage window.
I like to have sex at gross It takes 18 to 24 domestic cats or dogs to make a standard size for a coat who quoted Cruella de Vil at 99 Dogs f... |
dropout | the_handjob_sketch_the_britishes | For your dinner with Lord Poodle, I thought this grey rep striped tie is very good. And in honor of St. Swithin's Day, these turtle leather loafers.
Fine. Probably almost finished. And finally, your daily stimulation.
You know, the facture, I've been thinking that perhaps some of these old traditions aren't strictly ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_and_biden_visit_southern_border_mcconnell_to_step_down_snl | President Biden visited the Southern Border on Thursday and was horrified to discover it is being swarmed by criminals and rapists. that's right. both Biden and Trump coincidentally visited the border on the same day, which sounds like the setup for the weirdest rom-com of all time. My favorite part of the visit was wh... |
dropout | The_Petty_Civil_Rights_Leader | What's up, motherfuckers? Welcome to the ZH Podcast. I am your host, Ally Beardsley.
It should have been Raph. We all agree. No. No one agreed that. He's chatterbug number one. No one agreed that.
Something a lot of people- You're moving your chair. You're moving your chair nonstop.
I can't do that? You did it befor... |
cracked | why_all_ubisoft_games_are_the_same_tom_clancy_s_the_division | Oh, shit. Is that Times Square? That looks amazing. What game is this? The Division. Wow!
I love the snowfalls and all the broken down vehicles and barricades. It's a post-apocalyptic game, right? I figured that out because of all the barricades that I like. Hey, have I mentioned the barricades?
Yeah. So what do you ... |
TheOnion | Highlights_From_The_First_Presidential_Debate | As we welcome the candidates, Democratic nominee for President of the United States, Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee for President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Now in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, yes, is that okay? Good.
I want you to be very happy. It's very important to me.
In fact, Donald wa... |
TheOnion | New_Law_Would_Ban_Marriages_Between_People_Who_Don_t_Love_Each_Other | The Minnesota activists are out in full force today to protest a new bill that would ban marriage between people who don't love each other. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty expressed his intention to sign the bill earlier this week saying, quote, I believe the definition of marriage is a union between two people who lov... |
dropout | bras_smoking_gandmas_and_pee_balloons_collegehumor_comment_show | Crazy thing there hasn't been a good show since Silly Your Shorts. That was the worst. Welcome to the comment show. The only show on College Humor where we respond. Actually, the only show where we even remotely do anything like this at all. It's a genre that I say that. As always, I'm joined by two College Humor write... |
cracked | the_george_santos_movie_is_actually_happening_ | His life is already a made-for-TV movie, so let's cast this baby. You remember back in May when I cast this? Well, it's happening. A movie about George Santos is in development at HBO Films.
On Friday, the house expelled George over ethics violations, and the internet was ablaze with reality TV edits. I was sent here ... |
TheOnion | Study_Pregnant_Women_Can_Drink_One_Bottle_Of_Wine_A_Day_If_Fetus_Can_Handle_Its_Shit | Ama Dinajad signs on as Dean of Students at Sarah Lawrence College, a fully leveled up video game character marvels at how far he's come, and the milk rushing through a jug handle is having the time of its life. If we didn't previously believe we were in the higher status position, seeing you planted there right now co... |
cracked | why_blade_runner_s_rick_deckard_is_objectively_human_yboc | Okay, nerds. I've got the results to your Voigt Conf test right here, and I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding aka Officer J, and I'm a little worried about your diet.
A banquet is in progress. The entree consists of boiled dog. Gross.
Anyway, you're participating in another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where a blood-... |
TheOnion | Black_Part_Of_Town_Moves_Across_Town | Well, it's the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. Today, Pennington's black part of town moved across the river to North Pennington. The Thompson family sold their home on the east side and moved to the old Kirkland Place at 17 Mansfield Place, establishing the all-new black neighborhood. Northside residents... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cheri_oteri_on_dangerous_minds_snl | You know, ever since its release, the film, Dangerous Minds has generated a great deal of controversy. here with a commentary is our own Cheri Oteri. Hi Cheri. thank you, Norm. I recently saw the movie Dangerous Minds, an accurate depiction of the frightening conditions found in classrooms across this country. And isn'... |
cracked | the_terrifying_truth_about_sesame_street | Welcome! We hope you enjoy these behind-the-scenes surprises about your favorite Sesame Street characters. I find kids and adults are amazed by the process behind Sesame Street. There's no other street like it. The craft might be more magical than the show. This show is the ultimate muppeteering challenge. It took me y... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_gay_couple_from_new_jersey_on_being_in_the_military_snl | Here now to offer their perspective on the ending of the military's don't ask, don't tell policy, two gay guys from New Jersey who are in the military. Thank you for being here guys. Now, you've been here before to talk about being gays from New Jersey. Are you here tonight to admit that you're gays in the military?
O... |
cracked | why_more_tv_should_be_like_stranger_things_cracked_responds | Hey, everyone. Hey, I watch stranger things we did and if you haven't seen all of it We might spoil a little of it fair warning if you have seen all of it You're probably like us you were like wow most television shows are very bad, and this was very good What an amazing show that came out of nowhere Netflix Has this w... |
Wizards_with_Guns | we_built_a_giant_microwave_for_when_we_re_cold | Are you tired of freezing your tits off? Do you suffer from being chilled to your very bone? Are AC companies bending you over the barrel just for a crumb of heat? Blankets are too hard. Sweaters make you sweat. And fires are just too dang hot. Melt away all your problems and more with Bing Microwave for when you're co... |
SaturdayNightLive | netflix_live_promo_jeannie_darcy_snl | They're ready for you. Have you guys heard of this tiktok thing? the only tiktok I hear is my biological clock. Don't get me started. don't even get me started.
Jeannie Darcy, selective startage. No one brings it like Jeannie Darcy. And this time, the Darcenate is live, which means you're hearing her jokes at the same... |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_falling_ice_snl | You're watching Wspd News, New York. Good morning, everyone. I'm Jack Rizzoli. and I'm Wanda Ramirez. Our top story today,: residents of an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebr... |
SaturdayNightLive | joseph_jackson_saturday_night_live | Since 2020 aired the Michael Jackson interview Thursday night, there's been an enormous public response here, commenting for the first time since the interview is Michael Jackson's father, Joseph Jackson. Hi, Tina. hi, Jimmy. thank you for letting me have my say. of course. Now, Mr. Jackson, what did you think about Mi... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_professor_kate_williams | Henry didn't get arrested after he killed his first wife, did he? What sort of mistakes did the Tudor police make that led him to kill again?
In the Middle Ages, did they know it was the Middle Ages or did they just think, this is now? You know, how did they know that they were halfway through time? They thought this ... |
dropout | derrick_wink | Hey, hey! Oh, hey, Falvo. It's me, Falvo, the wink! Yeah, that's great, Falvo.
What's wrong? It's as if the many moons of Galdor have filled your heart with sadness. Falvo, I was telling some of my friends at school about you. They made fun of me.
They said there's no such thing as winks. Oh, they are non-believers. ... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_new_boss | So, as you guys know, I haven't really been around much lately, um...
John Mayer's not gonna assist himself, is he? IS HE?!
No, of course not. Probably not.
So I think it's about time somebody be promoted to the boss character. Thanks Rick, I'll take it from here. I think I'm gonna play a different kind of boss char... |
cracked | two_men_in_a_race_against_time_trapped_inside_a_trailer | One man above the law Hitler Hitler your article tomorrow. It's just a picture of Hitler.
There are no words there What's that? Well, I was trying to hack your dog back to life, but I think I hit a firewall Oh also, I killed your dog one man stricken by loss. How's that? Huh? What?
I gotta, I gotta, so... Now he and ... |
cracked | tonya_harding_and_nancy_kerrigan_the_high_school_years | All right, kids, who's here? Tanya? Here. Jeff? Here. Shawn? Here. Connie? I am here. Christy? Hi.
And Nancy. Where's Nancy? That was beautiful, Nancy.
Oh my God. Jeff is so cute. Look at all those layers. Isn't there exists? Is he? Oh my God. He's moving his eye flat. It is, Jeff.
Not bad at Tanya. Any time you're ... |
SaturdayNightLive | mtv_skins_saturday_night_live | You're watching Mtv. shut up. what's up? I'm the head of programming at Mtv. impressed much? Well, you should be, because I'm the genius behind our new sexy teen show, Skins. Now, some people are upset or whatever because we showed, like, a bunch of fourth graders having sex and doing heroin or something.
I don't know... |
TheOnion | country_music_stars_challenge_al_qaeda | If you're a fan of country music, it's likely you've already heard of this new number one song by a group of country music's biggest stars. Brian Scott has the story. Those terrorists tried to get us, drop them planes from out the sky. But it didn't stop America when them New York people died. Wayne McMurtry is the har... |
dropout | She_s_Terrible_and_She_OWNS_It | Ms. Seabird interviewing here is a dream come true. I have been dying to work for a female-driven brand. Yes! That is what Seabird is all about, empowering women and selling them makeup. And can I just say, as one of the few female CEOs of a global company, you're like my role model. Thanks, Queen. Honestly, it is amaz... |
TheOnion | the_onion_reviews_star_wars_the_force_awakens | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be discussing Star Wars, The Force Awakens, the long-awaited seventh episode in the beloved science fiction series, and one that sadly can never come close to the life-changing experience of the original Star Wars, A New Hope, the film I lost my virgi... |
cracked | five_reasons_james_bond_might_be_the_worst_spy_ever_after_hours | Oh, sorry, you want one? Why? So I don't get crushed. Twist of faith though, I sat on my sunglasses in the car and broke them. Life, right?
The suit. You've been wearing it around all day and the only thing you've said about it is that you have something to take care of after work. Aha, well, laundry. I have to do lau... |
cracked | why_the_big_lebowski_is_secretly_alice_in_wonderland | The Big Lebowski is the classic. Yes, 90s movies can be classic now, you odious old geezer.
Stoner Jaunt through modern-day Los Angeles, filmed primarily on locations around my house. Alice in Wonderland is a whimsical story written by a maybe pedophile about how modern math is stupid. People also pretend that it's ab... |
cracked | after_hours_all_arnold_schwarzenegger_movies_are_in_the_same_terminator_universe | Can't believe he's almost two already. It's okay to the other one Yeah, I mean I don't want to go on and on but this is after I finished building his crib And I caught him after he fell asleep with my hammer. Oh my god I can't tell you how cool it is. Would you be a dad? Thank you kitty? Yeah, it's it's really amazing ... |
dropout | olmec_sex_therapist | Yeah, all right guys Look at you Welcome back to Olmec's love death. You're on the air Hi, Olmec. Let's rock well when I go down with my boyfriend. He doesn't really seem to enjoy it How can I give him more pleasure? Loosely grasp the penis with your hand then gently lick the penis from the shaft upwards flicking the u... |
cracked | wtf_is_a_stoat_cracked_takes_the_pottermore_test | Hey guys Harry Potter still doing things. I've been asked to discover my patronus. Let the record dictate. I'm 35 years old right now I am going to discover my patronus. Well you guys watch Pottermore is It's fine I get it people want the continuation of the Harry Potter stuff I think of it as like she's writing fanfic... |
TheOnion | Tough_Season_Overconfidence_Season_1_Ep_4_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | Winning is the precious candy that all coaches crave for their big-boy tummies Having won his last two games Brad enters the week confident about his upcoming matchup against Danny the notorious Chicago Bears fan Whose roster of primarily bears players has been gutted by Chicago's by week Brad has again changed the tea... |
TheOnion | Can_You_Hapless_Fuckwits_At_Least_Handle_An_Omelette | Today's recipe couldn't get any easier. Omelettes.
Can you hapless fuckwits at least handle that? First, you crack two eggs into a bowl. You thick morons at least know where you keep your bowls, right? And if you just put the hard shells in the bowl too, which I'm assuming a lot of you shit-for-brains just did, now wo... |
cracked | the_museum_of_alternate_realities_people_watching_season_2_episode_8 | Woah, the melon's over- Sure, what the hell? Hello, and welcome to the Museum of Alternate Realities. Allow me to show you around. Wait, so... what is this?
This is What If. What if the world took slightly a different path? Here we have some things from such worlds. It is interesting to see what might have been, you k... |
TheOnion | Report_Nobody_s_Heard_From_David_Blaine_In_A_While_Somebody_Should_Probably_Check_If_He_Died | In a major gaffe, President Obama forgets to dumb it down for the American populace. A burrito is eaten like someone in the room isn't crying, and the U.S. will give a limestone-based economy a shot starting Monday, with officials saying, quote, it sounds weird, but you never know. Please put in your eye drops and swal... |
dropout | columbusing_discovering_things_for_white_people | Oh, hey, what's up, dude? Hey, what's going on?
Thanks for meeting me here, man. Yeah, no problem. I love this place.
Yeah, I just discovered it. You didn't discover it. You know, I come here all the time. Sure I did. No, people have been here before you, so you didn't discover it. Oh, yes, sorry. I didn't discover i... |
CrackerMilk | caught_watching_dirty_movies | Come on mate, we've got to go.
What are you watching? Gay porn. What are you really watching?
Star Wars. Which episode? Is that episode 8?
I know what you're thinking Dad, but I really do believe Rian Johnson successfully subverted the audience's expectations and that's something to reward. We are an original trilog... |
dropout | dire_consequences_paintball_massacre | I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
We're about to play Russian Roulette. Loser has to play paintball against the U.S. Army's Delta Destroyers.
Whoa! Ah!
I knew that was gonna happen! Better run! Whoo! Ah, shit, they're everywhere!
Oh, my God. I'm scared for him.
Go on!
Ah! Oh! Ah! COVIDER! Oh, no, oh, no! Ah!
... |
TheOnion | Ruin_The_Economy_Or_Not_Congress_Still_Unable_To_Decide | God on Rick Perry possibly running for president, don't do it. Congress is spotted walking out of a gay nightclub. Vice President Biden is forced to inform Michelle Obama that she is running out of bath gel. And this man seems panicked by you entering the room. And now your medically induced recap of this week's news. ... |
cracked | japanese_anime_hilariously_ruined_by_american_censors_canonball_one_piece_dragon_ball_z | Every time you bring a franchise from Japan into America, some changes are going to be made. Because what's considered wholesome family entertainment in one country might get you thrown in jail and banned from playgrounds in another. But other times, in their quest to protect our youth and sell them millions of action ... |
dropout | you_re_too_good_to_date_my_friends_hardly_working | It's like, even though I know it's impossible, sometimes I still think I might be on the Truman Show. Anyway, didn't you guys say that you had some single friends at this party? Oh yeah, but trust me, you're too good for that.
What? Oh yeah, you're way too good to date any of our friends. I mean, I guess that's a comp... |
cracked | we_fixed_mortal_kombat_2021 | Guys, I'm super pumped that you're here to work with me on the Mortal Kombat movie, because as a first-time director, I'm gonna need to nail this world-building and characterization. Yeah. So, what did you think? Here's some thoughts. You have some thoughts. Thoughts. Yeah, just real quick, there's this description on ... |
cracked | why_all_of_this_clown_stuff_is_bullsh_t_cracked_responds | So you guys heard about these clowns appearing out of the woods. It's the only thing I've been hearing about I feel like okay You know what?
I'm very scared of clowns. I can't with clowns for real scared Yeah What I was a kid I remember I think I was like eight and I was in the back of my mom's car and a birthday clow... |
SaturdayNightLive | helen_hunt_monologue_jack_nicholson_impressions_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, this has been really an exciting week for me. tonight, I'm fulfilling a lifelong personal dream, getting to work with Hanson. people know this, but I'm actually the oldest Hanson. Can you see it? I bet you can. I'm also excited because my new movie, as good as it gets, with Jack Nicholson, next we... |
TheOnion | Snowy_Conditions_Proving_Hazardous_For_Nation_s_Idiots | You're back in the fact zone on The Onion News Network. I'm Brooke Alvarez. We're continuing The Onion News Network's coverage of the major snowstorm still pounding the Midwest this hour.
And according to reports from the National Weather Service, the storm has been causing major problems for the nation's idiots. The ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_98_Greig_Pickhaver_aka_HG_Nelson | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. You're joined here today by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooter Advocate and Errol Parker, editor at large.
How are you Errol? Good mate, always good. Ho... |
cracked | proof_we_don_t_know_anything_about_the_universe | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese-Strupshirebrook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug rec... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.