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SaturdayNightLive | plagiarism_snl | Well, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know you had a big term paper due last Friday, so hopefully you rewarded yourselves with a little rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, I, uh. I'm afraid some of you may have relaxed too much and didn't actually write your own papers. in fact, I believe a certain few of you too... |
TheOnion | NASA_Tests_Effects_Of_Space_On_Fat_Astronaut | We didn't receive your data transmission for yesterday's assignment. Was there a problem? The problem is the tests you're having me run.
Okay Barrett, go ahead. Well Cheryl is studying virulent microbes in a gravity free environment and Dan is in the laboratory playing with the effects of magnetic fields on sensory ce... |
ClickHole | sustainability_this_couple_cooks_all_the_meat_that_comes_flying_out_of_the_portal_in_its_backyard | Well, there's so much waste in the world, and finally it dawned on us, why go to the grocery store when we've got this portal in the backyard that's constantly spewing raw meat? As soon as the meat comes flying out of the portal, we clean it, wait for it to stop ringing, and then we cook it. Ever since the portal opene... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Optus_Compensates_Users_with_Valuable_Magic_Beans_Amid_National_Outage_Chaos_ | You're still an intern aren't you, Wendell? Yeah yeah yeah, apparently 2024 is my year, that's what I've been told. Graduate level position. I have been told that, but look 2023 was also supposed to be my year so I guess we'll just see what happens when Clancy and I have our annual review. Just prove your commitment to... |
SaturdayNightLive | puppet_class_with_seth_macfarlane_snl | All right, welcome back to introduction to puppetry. we had a fun morning making our puppets. Now, let's see if we can bring them to life, All right?
I'm gonna call this guy here. Gooby. All right, let's try and figure out what Gooby's voice sounds like. like, maybe he's a little dopey. I'm not dopey, you're dopey. he... |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_3 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. I'm Claude Barker. With me, as always, Jerome Bettis. How are you, Jerome?
What if I just got up and just left? Would it matter?
Folks, this is the moment you've been waiting for. The race is about to begin. We take you down to the field where our re... |
SaturdayNightLive | badger_up_his_butt_saturday_night_live | So, if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is going to be a big seller in our two target areas, the Midwest and the lower Midwest. is there a problem, Nat? with you? Yes. Hey, come on, Nat. Brenda worked really hard on this. Hey, people, we are the number two bath mat manufacturer in the U.s. Oka... |
cracked | bill_o_reilly_teaches_kids_about_science | I love you, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my brother.
David Beverly Hills, Florida.
Okay, I had the moon get there. Okay, well... How did the moon get there? Most likely... Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate. How'd the moon get there? How'd the sun get there? How'd it get there? Can you... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_shane_mauss | I have a friend who's a doctor, well he's a medical student, and a great thing to get into, but he's very arrogant about it, always bragging about how smart he is, how much money he's going to make.
I like to knock him off his high horse once in a while, all right, we'll be hanging out, I'll be like, hey Paul, why don... |
cracked | the_saltburn_house_is_sick_and_tired_of_trespassers | People are being weird about the salt burn house, and no, they're not slurping up the bathtubs, but they are trespassing, a lot.
Basically, once the movie got really popular, internet sleuths were able to identify the filming location, a $54 million estate in the English countryside.
There is currently a super viral ... |
cracked | michael_swaim_explains_teleportation_futureproof | Hey everyone, welcome to Future Proof, where I nerd out about classic sci-fi staples and their real-world counterparts. I'm your host, Michael Swang. That's right, Daniel O'Brien may have two Emmys, but I'm back doing videos on Cracked and making references from the early aughts.
So who's really hashtag winning? Don't... |
dropout | bro_vs_brit_dating_advice | Honestly, it's impossible to compete with your accent. I don't consider it a competition, do you? Do you hear that? Do you hear yourself talk? I don't consider it a competition. Do you? I don't consider it that, like, a competition, eh? I don't consider it a competition, eh?
Do you? Eh? Easy.
Dating app. I've got ton... |
SaturdayNightLive | guardian_angel_snl | Hi, do you know me? I'm a guardian angel. Did you know it was about 16 different ways to kick someone in the groin? most people don't know this. most people also don't know that it's gold snatching season. And unless you know the 16 different ways to kick someone in the groin, you, too, can become a victim. Thus, I hav... |
TheOnion | Salt_Lake_City_Hoping_To_Boost_Tourism_By_Reminding_Visitors_They_re_Free_To_Leave_At_Any_Time | Welcome to Salt Lake City, Utah's picturesque state capital and a gateway to the west that you are free to leave at any point. A richly historic town famed for its breathtaking natural beauty, Salt Lake City is an incredible place to visit, pass through, or avoid entirely. We're conveniently located 10 minutes from bot... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_buck_daniels_story_saturday_night_live | I wrote a song about a man, a dreamer, who achieved it all but lost it. the man's name was Buck Daniels. this is his song. Boy was born on a Texas highway, in the back of a pickup truck. Proud Papa lifts his son to the sky, says, boy, your name is Buck. Boy grows up in a Kansas shack, learns how to play guitar. at nigh... |
cracked | 3_ways_supervillains_are_dumber_now_yboc_mcu_snyder_cut_fast_furious | Ha, ha, ha, hello there nerds, it's me, Nega Jordan. It's high time, and I got an episode all to myself without that sniveling doctor trying to fix everything. So before I stab out your eyeballs and feed you to my genetically enhanced dolphins, listen to this sick-ass monologue I wrote.
As a stupid supervillain myself... |
SaturdayNightLive | nurse_appreciation_snl | It's National Nurses Week, a time to honor the hard-working women and men, I guess, who care for us and keep us healthy. to me, being a nurse means standing by your side during life's most important moments. to me, being a nurse means doing what needs to be done. there's no task too big or small. ninety percent of my j... |
cracked | 3_bizarre_scenes_in_otherwise_good_movies_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder_kingsmen_ghostbusters | Hello Internet! I am Danny, Joey, Nicky, Obie, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. The show that, if you're watching this in the way, way distant future and most records have been lost in some kind of horrible catastrophe, is the most popular show of all time. It was Beyonce's favorite, it... |
dropout | when_couples_get_too_comfortable_with_each_other | Here we go, here we go, how's it going, how's it going, how's it going, how's it going? Good, are you okay babe?
I feel like my stomach's a little off. You gassy? Yeah, I feel like I got a lot of gas. Let me just eat a fart. What, maybe. Okay, well, let it out.
Yeah, it feels good. You guys are comfortable with each ... |
TheOnion | Are_Politicians_Failing_Our_Lobbyists | I'm Juliana Bicanas, filling in for Clifford Bains, who told me to say hello to all of you.
A recent poll finds that many Capitol Hill lobbyists are fed up with politicians accepting their money and then not coming through with promised legislation. Are politicians failing our lobbyists? The voice of the corporate lob... |
cracked | why_the_marvel_universe_is_expanding_way_too_fast_today_s_topic | What are you thinking? What? What are you thinking?
Cheers on the count of three's. One, two, three's. Did you know that Marvel finally has the rights to you Spider-Man in their movies?
Just food? Also food. So yeah, food.
Why would you go through all that trouble? You clearly just want to talk about Spider-Man, jus... |
cracked | mccain_wins_giuliani_quits_we_tell_jokes_news_1_30_08 | It's Wednesday, January 30th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog. A Queen's man received the gift of life from his beloved sister, twice. Once by her getting him on his much needed dialysis, and again by her giving her kidneys to him after her tragic sudden death.... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_studio_tour | What's up, guys? I'm Aego Wodem, and I'm gonna give you a little behind-the-scenes tour of 8h, where we shoot. So come with me. shh, be quiet. a lot of big business going on. Okay, we got our incredible crew. this isn't everybody. it's a lot of them, but it's not everybody. in fact, I don't even know if it's a lot of t... |
dropout | hardly_working_bang_bus | This is the best part, they just leave her in the middle of nowhere. Woah. Look at that. I mean, how does she get home?
Do you think we should tell him? He's still so young. I know, but I just, I feel like all his friends know and I'd rather he hear it from us.
Hey Jake, can we talk to you for seconds? Alone? What's ... |
SaturdayNightLive | lab_partners_saturday_night_live | All right, Class, we need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports. Mr. Armstrong, there's a problem. I don't have a lab partner. that's impossible, Ellie. there's an even number of people in the class. that may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Mariana. Why not? you know why not... |
dropout | troopers_space_improv | Tell the insurgents on Alara to surrender or the Dread Cruiser will destroy the entire planet. No. You don't believe we can do it? Perhaps a demonstration of our power is in order. Gunner, destroy the planet's moon.
Roger that. That's it? Well, that's it.
We just blew up your moon. Come on. Your planet could be next.... |
dropout | why_detox_cleanses_are_a_rip_off_adam_ruins_everything | Well, speak your truth quickly because I am not missing my cleanse. I am full of toxins. Ah yes, good old, bad old toxins. The wellness industry tells us they're terrifying, they're inside of us, and we need their high-priced help to get them out. Is your blood toxic? Toxic blood can affect every organ in your body and... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rupert_murdoch_steps_down_from_fox_six_flags_unveils_new_roller_coaster_snl | The dating app bumble says that next year they expect to see a surge in relationships where one person dates someone considerably older because those student loans ain't gonna pay for themselves. Rupert Murdoch has officially stepped aside as Ceo of Fox News, passing the position on to his eldest son, Darth Murdoch. Th... |
cracked | why_fox_news_shouldn_t_be_allowed_to_talk_about_sex | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off an episode of Red Eye, as Greg Gutfeld chats up sex columnist, Faye Flamm. Now I know some people get touchy when I pick on Fox News, but this has nothing to do with Fox. I'm only picking on Greg Gutfeld because... well, look at him. My next guest wrote a book on exact... |
TheOnion | Local_Burger_Feels_Especially_Disgusting_Today | Bo Obama receives visiting dognetaries from Furugue. The nation would not be surprised at this point if Chris Brown allegedly traveled back in time and punched Anne Frank. And a local burger feels especially disgusting today. Here she comes, graceful, polite, and blessed with the unforgettable smile of a beautiful sout... |
CrackerMilk | a_minion_talks_about_the_allegations_against_gru | Thank you for being so brave to come. It means nothing to me. I worked with Steve Jobs under NDA. He did get cancer from the ball haircut.
He's trying to get away, but it's an exercise bike. Remember? Idiot. Remember it's an exercise bike.
It's improv. You're never going to escape. Get in that plane and fly into that... |
dropout | hardly_working_rookie_of_the_year | Hey, madam, madam, madam, sweetie, madam, madam, we got a wiff here, just throw the cheese, just throw it up. Oh!
I got it.
Oh my God, Jake, are you okay? Yeah, I think so. Ahhh! Cheese, man, your arm is broken. Oh, yeah, I know. It's awesome. It's gonna be just like that movie. Misery? No, that was his legs.
Rookie... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_hardly_working_believe | I saw an incredibly vulgar, hardly working, but then we got here, we saw there were a lot of kids in the audience, so we decided to put on something a little more fun and magical for you kiddos, maybe a little adventure? Yeah, would you like that?
We have prepared a scene from the classic play, Peter Pan. Ooh, I love ... |
TheOnion | Gunman_Kills_15_Potential_Swing_Voters | We're getting new information on a story we first reported several hours ago the mall shooting in the crucial swing state of Iowa Let's go now to Jack Bergen in the war of the White House bunker for an update Jack Thanks, Andrea earlier today in Des Moines a single gunman opened fire in the wood view square mall leavin... |
dropout | Hot_Dogs_Are_Made_From_People_But_Still_Tasty_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Glumbo Dumb... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_150_Have_A_Go_Podcast | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batootie joined by myself Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, editor at large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, good to see you, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | jason_momoa_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Mahaloa! thank you, thank you very much, Mahalo Nui Loa. it is great to be back at Snl. it means so much to me. my mom is here. if you see her, be careful, she's still recovering from giving birth to me. but I'm so happy to be here. I love this place, I love life. I love waking up, washing m... |
TheOnion | Company_Immediately_Calls_Job_Applicant_Upon_Seeing_B_A_In_Communications_On_Resume | Shortly after Seattle area consulting firm Brink and Tiller received a resume from Corey Wilhelm, a college graduate with a bachelor's of arts degree in communications, human resources director Robert Bradshaw immediately fast-tracked Wilhelm's application and spoke with The Onion about this exceptional candidate. The ... |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_donna_higby | Hey everyone and welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Joining us once again to do makeup is Hannah... |
SaturdayNightLive | halloween_red_carpet_show_snl | Live from the sidewalk, It's the post-halloween Red Carpet special. I'm Tina Le Fay. it's 2.53 a.m. on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight, aren't they Dean? the... |
dropout | this_drink_is_embarrassing | You guys are going to love this place. It's so close.
Yeah. It's good beer, too. Welcome to the Bad Elephant, gentlemen. You guys ready to order? Yeah. Can I get the dusty showboater ale? Sure. I will have the angry goat face porter. Nice. You're going to love it. And you? Uh, yeah. I'll have the, um, the crocodile bu... |
cracked | tom_delonge_from_blink_182_is_better_at_aliens_than_you | Friend Daniel hmm. I've called you here today to share with you some very exciting important news Tom DeLong as you who you may know the very famous UFO researcher. Oh has just one UFO researcher of the year for his tireless efforts.
I'm gonna need you to go back I know Tom DeLong as guitarist from Blink 182 and then ... |
dropout | if_i_were_a_bro | If I were a bro, if I turned out that way I'd roll off the couch in the morning and put on what I wore yesterday A huge TV, just to watch Big Lebowski But my God, what smells like tuna I should have had my mom do laundry This is my only hoodie If I were a bro, I think I could understand why somehow it makes you cooler ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Gone_Girl | You don't know if she has friends, you don't know what she does all day, and you don't know your wife's blood type. Sure y'all are married. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Gone Girl, a new thriller about a man whose wife vanishes under mysterious circumstances. So, on t... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_50s_baseball_broadcast_snl | No score as we head into the bottom of the third, Yankees' White Sox' Lyle O'Reilly for WNYX Radio alongside Hall of Famer Daze Newsom. Gorgeous day for a ball game. It is. Before We get back to the action on the field, let's go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt. WNYX Yankees' Coverage is brought to you b... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_thriller_s_40th_anniversary_police_bust_super_cartel_snl | Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is under fire over a picture of him from 1957 where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Okay, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this,: would a racist own a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field? No, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_physical_saturday_night_live | Just take a seat up there on that table and the doctor will be right in. how are we doing today? Oh, just fine. not so bad. you're in here for a complete physical, is that right? Uh, that is correct. Okay. your chart looks fine. Uh, when did you last have a physical?
Uh, about five years ago. I was in Seattle. Oh, int... |
cracked | slutty_halloween_costumes_a_carefully_worded_tribute | Every year, around this time, you'll hear a lot of talk about the kinds of costumes girls wear. Slutty girls and slutty costumes horrid it up on Halloween.
Well, you need to cool it right now, guys. Okay? Just cut it out.
Skimpy doesn't equal slut automatically. So, here's a tribute to all of the other women on Hallo... |
dropout | march_movies_suck | The Academy Awards took place last weekend, and while this marks the end of awards season, it also signals the beginning of mediocre movie season. That's right, Nancy. It's that magical time of year when the studios dump the projects they're just not all that jazz about. And this year, the competition is fierceful. Whi... |
TheOnion | Study_Most_Serial_Killers_Did_Not_Receive_Toy_Every_Time_They_Went_To_Store_As_Kids | A new study released this week based on extensive psychological profiling of some of the world's most notorious serial murderers found that their homicidal instincts can be traced to a single incident in childhood when they were denied a toy that they really wanted. Our research shows that nearly all violent serial off... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_paterson_stefon_snooki_sing_a_christmas_song_snl | Well, it's the last show before Christmas, So here now with a holiday message, my three closest friends in the world, Snooki, Stefan, and Governor David Patterson. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, I believe there's someone changing. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, I believe there's someone changing. not ... |
dropout | This_Kidnapping_Is_SO_Hot | Well, well, well. Looks like I caught two little birdies in my trap. Birdies from one of the richest families in the world, of course.
I think I'll get a handsome ransom for the two of you, don't you believe? Maybe. If you can convince my father. Oh, he's a stubborn man, I know. But I have my ways of getting what I wa... |
dropout | the_coolest_death_ever | Okay. I love you too. Everything okay? Um...
I just found out that my grandpa died. Oh, God. It's really crazy, because he was young. He was only 69.
Dude. Nice. Yeah, it's real tight. When did it happen? I guess it just happened this morning, you know? At 4.20. Oh, Mike. That is so dope.
I smoke weed every day. Bla... |
cracked | 6_badasses_of_history_you_ve_never_heard_of_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Cracked podcast live! Are you CB Sunset? I'm Jack. I'm joined on stage by a writer and star of Many a Cracked Video, my occasional co-host, Mr. Michael Swipes! Whoo! Michael, you look well. Thank you.
Well, I thought I should take our role pretty seriously today. We're gonna be doing so... |
TheOnion | Pop_Star_s_Single_Booty_Wave_Most_Likely_Civilization_s_Downfall | God, you're just the worst now tell us Karanika How did you first decide that you wanted to be the cipher through which the cynicism of a morally bankrupt industry is channeled?
Yo, I just do what I do know I'm saying it's like people just love my ish Right now your latest single booty wave Honestly, I can't believe I... |
TheOnion | High_Unemployment_Rate_Linked_To_One_Man_With_42_000_Jobs | All right, some news now on the economy. Following the release of this month's anemic jobs report, financial analysts say they finally figured out the reason for the high unemployment rate.
An Illinois resident named Jim Richmond, who's been working 42,000 jobs since early 2009. Richmond works at 46 Wal-Mart locations... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_06_7_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details. G'day, I'm Bruc... |
SaturdayNightLive | hot_girl_hospital_snl | This fall, a new medical drama for our times. It's Hot Girl Hospital.
I need a boat! The Stat! Oh! Ma'am, I'm right here. you in good hands. what's her status? forty-six, female, meat as hell. she ain't giving what you want to be gave. Oh, my god, and the fit. trash, garbage. I need a Bbl stat. six ccs of tummy teeth ... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_sparkle_players_christmas_show_snl | Hey, settle down people, everyone needs to calm down. People, I have to say, in all my years as a Principal, I've never seen such an immature outburst, Okay?
The Northeast Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir has worked extremely hard on their Christmas Show, Jingle Jingle Jam, to put you all in the holiday spirit... |
dropout | nerd_transformation | Hey, welcome home point, Dexter. What? Found your old yearbook. You were a total nerd, man. That was a long time ago.
Oh, this is the best episode. They're the one where Bart and Milton Haus joined the Boy Scouts. Oh man, I hope they never cancel the Simpsons. Gets better every season.
Oh, by the way, have your Evil ... |
cracked | mandy_review_aka_the_one_where_nic_cage_has_a_chainsaw_duel | Hey Welcome to crack movie club this show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books, but better I am the father of a girl who's turning three today and I'm Doing this little announcement so that in 15 years when I show her this video on her 18th birthday She'll be like so touched. I thought you were g... |
cracked | we_fixed_4_movie_dystopias_with_math_dredd_minority_report | The movie Dread takes place in the futuristic Mega City 1, a massive dystopian city-state replacing most of the U.S. East Coast, and it's sporting a population of like 800 million people. That would be, in a word and a pun, Dreadful. But what's worse is the city experiences 12 serious crimes a minute, which, if multipl... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | betoota_weekly_news_bulletin_episode_01 | G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and this is the Weekly News Rap. The Weekly News Rap, as you can probably gather, will be coming to you weekly. In case you've been flat out and unable to be across what's happening in Betuda, Australia and the world, here are this week's top stories. In the first Barnabulous News Week for s... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_jost_and_michael_che_swap_jokes_for_season_49_finale_snl | Well, tonight is our season finale and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read. yeah, we're making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before. that's right, and let's not applaud yet. The idea: The idea is of course to give each other fun jokes, almost suppor... |
TheOnion | American_Dream_Declared_Dead_As_Final_Believer_Gives_Up | This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. Welcome to the fact zone.
I'm Brooke Alvarez. Right now, we're continuing the Onion News Network's coverage of the death of the American dream. The end came at 12.14 p.m. this afternoon when the last person in the nation to believe... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_emacs_enthusiast_in_2023_colorized | I'd like to present to you my newly made absolute guide to emacs video. It's around one and a half Years long I can send it to you via FTP. So Emacs, huh?
Sure. Let me just put on the fireplace.
Uh So yeah, emacs if you make a change to your text and decide that it was a mistake emacs got you covered. Yeah, all text ... |
TheOnion | Man_Attempts_To_Assassinate_Obama_But_Not_Because_He_s_Black_Or_Anything | Welcome back we have some breaking news for you this morning the FBI is now releasing new details about Alex Croft He was the man that they arrested on Tuesday after it came to light that he had plans to Assassinate the president an FBI spokesman told the press the plot was slowed down largely because of Croft's fears ... |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_9 | Last time, on Street Fighter the Lady. What's going on? I do this! That's not right. That's a hunter. We used to fight with honor. Honor? So what is true?
Four years in that basement, eating nuts.
Waiting for the day I would take my vengeance. He has the power of two fighters. Don't cry, you look like a little bitch.... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_a_christmas_carol_snl | Go into Scrooge's bedroom, Martin and Scrooge toss us in a sleep. enough of these ghastly visions.
I don't want to die. I want to live.
Action! you laugh down there! When Mikey came in and saw the set and he said, once again, you've outdone yourself. Shoutouts to Lance, the Dp for making it look gorgeous as he always... |
dropout | the_guy_who_won_t_stop_talking_about_jar_jar_binks | Here we go, the new Star Wars trailer. This is awesome. God, turn it off.
What's wrong, Eric? What's wrong, Zach? I'll tell you what's wrong.
Have you guys seriously forgotten how fucking stupid Jar Jar Binks is? Jar Jar Binks from episode one. Wasn't that like 15 years ago? 16 years, 7 months, and 3 weeks. And I cou... |
ClickHole | these_people_were_there_for_the_miracle_on_ice_and_their_stories_are_incredible | This was a match between America and the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War. I remember the day before the game, Jimmy Carter went on TV and said that if the U.S. lost, he was gonna cut off his own ass. Then Brezhnev went on TV and said that if Russia lost, he was gonna cut off his own ass. The stakes couldn't ... |
cracked | why_outrage_culture_is_ruining_the_internet | The internet. It's a place we've all been, and always are, and always will be. We're here forever. This is it for us. We'll die here. It's also a place that we need to keep nice. At least at the surface, where most of us all hang out most of the time.
The sharks and the garbage can stay below. We don't need that. I ac... |
TheOnion | Blood_Drenched_Berserk_CEO_Demands_More_Web_Videos | Staff members of arts and entertainment website grind.com told reporters that CEO Jeff Potkle went berserk earlier this morning, becoming drenched in his own blood and the blood of several employees as he viciously demanded the staff produce more web video content where he would quote fucking kill them all. We need mor... |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Tips_For_Winning_Your_Fantasy_League_In_What_Is_Now_Clearly_The_NFL_s_Final_Season | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. Retinal scan, beep, thumbprint scan, beep. I'm Perry Bigwell and you've been granted access to the Owner's Box.
Whoa, big week three surprise. It's become abundantly clear that this is the last year of the N... |
cracked | disturbing_things_credit_card_reps_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Oh, hi. How are you today? This is Rebecca from the Bank of Ultimate Total Trust. 🎵 Bank of Ultimate Total Trust, we're but 🎵 Just calling to talk to you about your credit card? Oh, no, no, no. There's nothing wrong with it. 🎵 Aaaah! 🎵 Yet.
But it's really just a matter of time, seeing as modern society basically ... |
dropout | i_wish_i_were_gay_hardly_working | So then it was like, she just wanted us to talk the whole day and I was like, slow down. Let's get to know each other first. Did you actually say that? Yeah. And now we're not going to see each other again. Girls are so much drama.
Man, I just wish I was gay. Oh, what am I thinking? Oh my God, you're gay.
She gets it... |
dropout | dora_the_explorer_and_the_destiny_medallion_part_2 | Come on, this way. Then watch out for parrots. Very poisonous.
Dora, are you sure this guy can lead us to the Destiny Medallion? Listen, there's a reason they call him Benny the Bull, Gronkowski. He's the toughest, most reliable guy that I... We are so lost. Oh, they call him the Bull because of his nose ring. Damn it... |
cracked | a_non_exhaustive_list_of_all_the_times_that_chevy_got_handsy | It's almost as well known for his comedy career as he is for his constantly being a huge fuck to people career. But while Chase typically lands in hot water due to his ill, chosen, frequently terrible words, he's also been involved in several physical altercations over the years. The most legendary is Chase's 1978 skir... |
cracked | 1_23_08_heath_ledger_fred_thompson_skype_haggis | It's Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm auditioning for the role of sarcastic news anchor. Law and Order actor Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race.
That's all. Just wanted to use that sound effect. Thank you for indulging me.
Actor Heath Ledger... |
dropout | hardly_working_beef_gurewitch_returns | Whoa, somebody's stapled my eyelids open. There you go. Closing in on 5 a.m. and m. I bet those bellies are just jonesing for some tuck. Shut. Up.
That's why I brought a full platter of my family's signature dish, beef.
A thousand times, yes. Schneider-ho, potato. The recipe was created by my terrible, terrible, terr... |
TheOnion | Will_New_NFL_Player_Safety_Rules_Ruin_Football_Injuries | It's time to hit the pits, sweatheads, because it's almost NFL season, and there's a lot of confusion with some of the new rules that the league thinks will make the game safer. And I'm all for that in theory, but my question is, will these player safety rules ruin football injuries? I mean, just think about it. Is thi... |
dropout | the_infinisphereb | Do not be afraid, Lieutenant Christopher Johnson of Earth. Your shuttle was lost in the cosmos over ten eons ago. We have salvaged it and revived your frozen body.
One touch and all will be absorbed into your brain within another second. I don't fear anything.
You can't. You can't do anything.
Just give it a second.... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Stand_Down_Tig_Notaro_bombs_onstage_then_things_get_worse | My friend's father is a comedian in Denver and he had a connection with the local club that was in the suburbs outside of Denver. In my first year, I just went up on stage and told people things that I had thought about and left the stage and luckily in Los Angeles I'd gotten a good response so I assumed that was going... |
SaturdayNightLive | dr_beaman_s_office_test_results_snl | I'm sorry. you have the wrong number. No, there's no mark here. my name? it's Mark. no, I spell it with a C. who put you up to this?
What do you mean you're my wife? Okay, if you're my wife, what's our cat's name?
Mr. Stitches, Damn, you're good. Doctor, the Framinghams are here to see you. Oh, good. send them right ... |
SaturdayNightLive | cosby_obama_saturday_night_live | And now a message from First Lady Michelle Obama. Thanks. In the past few weeks, I've made several television appearances in an effort to bring attention to my campaign against childhood obesity. from Jay Leno to Icarly, I've tried to teach kids and parents about fitness in a fun and entertaining way. but the work is n... |
TheOnion | Has_The_U_S_Men_s_Soccer_Team_Earned_The_Right_To_Watch_The_World_Cup | What's wet, sweaty, and stickier than glue? It's the morning sweat and it's here for you.
Today we're talking the World Cup. And a question I've been getting from a lot of casual soccer fans, did the U.S. men's team earn the right to watch this year's tournament? Unfortunately, no. In case you missed the qualifiers, t... |
SaturdayNightLive | great_moments_in_corporate_history_saturday_night_live | This is a great day for Warner Lambert Pharmaceutical. this merger with American Home Products will make it possible for two very powerful and respected companies to work together as the single largest and most influential drug supplier worldwide. Now, when the executives from American Home Products arrive, I'd like al... |
cracked | erin_brockovich_vs_black_swan_showdown_staff_picks | My brother always had, like, a bootleg guy he would call up and would come with, like, a folder of DVDs. And these guys would come to you. It's as close to, you know, streaming on Netflix as we have. My brother would be like, yo, you got any comedies? And the guy's like, oh, yeah, and he's flipped it through. Again, th... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Gold_Coast_Goes_Quiet_Scotty_Asks_A_Big_Favour_Some_Bad_Travel_News_More_March_18 | How are you Effie? Yeah, good. How are you Clancy? Not too bad. Doing alright.
The bad weather seems to have stopped on the East Coast and now we're talking about cleanups. What about you, Errol? Errol Parker, editor-at-large.
Yeah, it's good to be here Clancy, yes, filling in for Wendell Hussey who is having some ad... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_molly_kearney_on_anti_lgbtq_bills_in_the_united_states_snl | Since the start of this year, over 400 anti- . since the start of this year, over 400 anti-lgbtq bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it is someone with their own introduction. introducing Snl's first non-binary cast member, it's Molly Carney!
Bea... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tracy_morgan_is_the_other_black_guy_saturday_night_live | And now folks with a special commentary is our very own Tracy Morgan. Hi, Chris, thank you Norm and hello America. my name is Tracy Morgan or as most of you may know me as the other Black Guy. I've been with Saturday Night Live now for 23 shows, but sometimes I still don't even get recognized in my own neighborhood. Th... |
TheOnion | iraqis_somehow_manage_to_screw_up_functional_democracy_u_s_left_them_with | A prison rights group protests the treatment of super villains in the nation's magnetic detainment cubes. A local dad thought he could make it out of a zoo without buying his kid's light up shit, and a pigeon wishes just once it could complete a head movement smoothly. Stripped down to its essential ingredients to prov... |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_easter_cold_open_snl | Easter, the celebration of the Resurrected Christ. the bible tells us Jesus traveled to Jerusalem for Passover, where his radical message of peace and love enraged the authorities. in the coming days, he will be arrested, tried, and executed. this, he tells his disciples, on their final evening together, a meal we will... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_121_NRL_s_Pacific_Islander_Revolution_with_Patrick_Skene | Good mate, it's a beautiful day outside, beautiful day inside. Hoping everyone's looking after themselves, particularly down there in South Brisbane.
We should avoid the bubble tea for now, I think, Acacia Ridge, Woodridge, we're thinking about you. Lock it down, lock it down, we don't want another Victoria up here.
... |
dropout | if_your_jizz_socks_could_talk | So, yet for another round? I think I am.
What the fuck, Ryan? Well, I'm not going to use you again. You're all cold and slimy and I think you have a hair growing. You can't be fucking serious. You think you can just go around fucking things left and right and no one would care? You're just a sock. Ooh, don't feel bad,... |
dropout | archaeology_isn_t_sexy | Hi, welcome to the College Humor Podcast. I am Mike Trapp joined today by Hi, I'm Jess Ross and I'm Ryan Anthony Martin and fancy I'm Anna Siobhan, Kony Thompson. Ooh, that's too many names. Actually, I don't have Kony on my passport because I think my dad at some point was like, you have to get an extra form to have a... |
dropout | Climate_Change_is_the_Ultimate_Birth_Control | Hey ladies, are you guys happy with your birth control? I hate having to take mine every day. And it seems like so many aren't 100% effective. Well, I'm on a new birth control, and it really works.
Really? What is it? It's called climate change. Climate change? What's that? Climate change is the significant changes in... |
cracked | when_you_can_t_find_the_funeral_a_video_by_simple_town | Guys, I think we're like an hour late.
Try that way. That way.
I see something. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Where is it? Hey Greg, if you get this call just call me back because we can't find the spot. Michael Nolan says, talk in a minute. Guys! Okay, let's stop. Let's assess the terrain.
Higgins, Lucy, Newberry. These peop... |
dropout | you_re_eating_garbage_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter! Hey guys, mind if Adam hops aboard the Lunchtime Express? Choo choo!
You know what I mean? Oh, are you guys really eating that garbage? What? We're eating lunch. That stuff is garbage. Like you're essentially eating garbage right now. You know that, right? Here we go. Don't be such a healt... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_11_09_20 | Things are looking good right around the country when it comes to coronavirus, Melbourne's dropping by the day. The single COVID bubble's opening up on Monday in Victoria, so all those towie singles at home will be able to, you know, bit of slap and tickle coming up, a lot of that going on. Queensland's looking good, N... |
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