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SaturdayNightLive | wilson_the_volleyball_saturday_night_live | The film, Castaway continues to cruise along at the box office and while audiences with the tour de force performance of its star, he's one of America's favorite actors and we are very, very lucky to have him here tonight. Please welcome the star of Castaway Wilson, the Volleyball.
I love you, New York. I love you.
G... |
cracked | why_labyrinth_is_secretly_about_masturbation_today_s_topic | What? Why are you looking at me like that? You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Voodoo? You do. No, I don't. What? Remind me of the babe!
What the f**k, Soren? Labyrinth! Oh, did you not realize we were doing the... Oh, man, you were pretty much dead on, too. ... |
dropout | hardly_working_feudal_humor | Yup. Come right on in. Come on in.
Hi. How you doing? Greg? Yeah, hi. Greg, nice to meet you.
Is this your resume? It is, yes. Oh, great. Thanks.
So now what made you want to be an intern here? Well, I'm really eager to learn, and this seems like a great working intern.
Oh, I'm sorry, just one second. Pat!
So you ... |
dropout | Game_Changer_Season_6_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive_Series | There's something at work here which is rather sinister what is happening that was too much you've gone too far our blood pressure is bad Right now I like four theories in my head of what's going on. I can't confirm any of them yet So I'm just like holding four separate realities. Yeah, we are fully entering the multiv... |
dropout | nick_s_commercials_zune_warehouse | The universal language is English, but also it is music. So come on down to Nick Zoon's warehouse and get yourself a ZOOOON! MP3 technology. I've been playing around with this thing for a week and I'm convinced it's a wish. Jeff Kepa Cutie, Kanye, Gregorian Chan, Monster Mash, that band that Kevin Bacon does, the Woo C... |
dropout | what_if_offices_took_birthday_celebrations_too_far_all_nighter | Thank you everyone. Yay! This is very nice of you all.
My favorite memory of Katie is when she brought cookies into the office and then she shared them with everybody for no reason at all. My favorite memory of Katie was yesterday she brought a lot of lasagna into lunch and she gave me a bite. My favorite memory of Ka... |
dropout | hardly_working_pee_on_your_butt_all_nighter_2012 | Hey, do you guys know where the bathroom is? Because I really have to pee pee. Hey dude, there's an entire empty urinal right next to you.
So you don't have to stand behind me like a weirdo. Don't fucking turn around. Oh my god, okay, look. I have $26 in my wallet. Just take it, okay man. I don't want your money.
Wha... |
dropout | hardly_working_children_s_films | All right, now in this scene, the princess has begun to fall in love with the furry monster and her enchanted friends start singing a song about that love. But what are the visuals? All right, where are we taking people on this journey? Right, the music begins, strings, flutes, the princess and the monsters see each ot... |
cracked | we_remade_tenet_for_20_deleted_scenes_outtakes | We spent all our money on the mouth surgery and we forgot to buy correct nose tubes for you, sir. Oh, that's all right. I used to do coke with these shits. You brought the right guy back. I'll show you how to party. You got it.
Are we saying Armageddon here? No. Something worse. Climate change. Negative. Polar ice cap... |
cracked | a_non_gamer_plays_horizon_zero_dawn_cracked_plays_let_s_play | Hey everyone, welcome to another Cracked Plays, so this time we're gonna play Horizon Zero Dawn. I haven't played video games in 15 years, and now Adam is giving me a crash course into everything that I've missed. I would equate this to like, you decided to try smoking for the first time and then went right to heroin. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | gingrich_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Ha ha ha, yeah, all right. Bob? Oh, hey, Newt. Hello, Speaker of the House.
I didn't mean to interrupt. no, no, no, no, no, don't be silly. technically, it's not my office yet. No, no, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.
Oh. oh, I did that for you. put all your stuff right here in this box. Oh, well, thank... |
TheOnion | Disney_Unveils_New_Mass_Grave_Where_Fans_Can_Be_Buried_Alive_With_Favorite_Characters_Forever | Amazing news, Disney fans! Disney has unveiled a new mass grave where fans can be buried alive with their favorite characters forever. The experience allows customers of all ages to get thrown into a large, 200-acre pit where they'll suffocate alongside Mickey, Minnie, and all of their pals. Will tickets cost a pretty ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_87_Paul_Kelly_and_his_guitar | Listeners, we all know it can be hard to find the time to sit down and learn more, so you might think you don't have time to read a book. Maybe you don't, maybe you just couldn't be fucked. I don't blame you.
That's where Blinkist comes in. Blinkist is the only app that takes the best key takeaways, the need to know i... |
SaturdayNightLive | gumby_gumby_and_pokey_reunite_snl | Gumby, Pokey, on stage, Please.
There he is. he's late again, right? He's late again, right? Where is he, damn it?
He's gonna be here. just a few minutes. He'll be here.
Why am I here?
Look, Gumby. millions of people, they're gonna turn on their sets tomorrow night because they wanna see Gumby and Pokey back togeth... |
dropout | workshopping_your_insane_writing_the_schining_pt_4 | Oh shit traps computer oh It's fine. Whoa check it out. It's the sketch traps been working on since we got here All work and no play makes trap a dull boy So What do you think I'm being asked a little long most sketches are like three pages 5 max and this is them like 600 so Do you think I should trim it a little I wou... |
dropout | derrick_funny | Oh my god, that is so funny, I can't believe you said that. That just came out of my mouth, I don't know. No, I'm dead serious, that is like the most hilarious thing ever. You are a comedic genius. I don't know about that.
Now I'm Todd, come here, come here Todd. Hey, tell him the thing you said to Mr. McDougall in th... |
SaturdayNightLive | short_ass_movies_snl | These days, when I sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there's only one kind of movie I'm always looking for.
And that's a short-ass movie, a really short movie, like at most an hour 40, Give me that short-ass movie. A short-ass movie, A really short movie, Ca... |
TheOnion | Courageous_Man_Refuses_To_Believe_He_Has_Cancer | Boy, do we have an inspirational story for you. Yeah, be prepared to be motivated because we're going to meet Peter Hedgemont.
Now when he was only 31 years old, so young, doctors had told him that they discovered a cancerous tumor on his liver. Now for most people that would be just devastating news looking forward t... |
dropout | Do_We_Really_Need_Baby_Boomers | We are getting reports of infection now on every continent. The EU has frozen borders and more deaths are expected to- Turn that off.
You think I've got something. Thank God. Take a look at that protein structure. From what I can see, the virus will be lethal in all cases, but it will only affect...
Baby boomers. Oh.... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | experts_confuse_philomena_cunk_part_1 | What exactly was Jane Austen? Jane Austen was a woman from Hampshire who wrote novels.
Was that it? Yes, that's it, absolutely.
The thing about St George is that he wasn't actually English. His father came from the middle of what's now Turkey and his mother came from Palestine and he never actually came to England. O... |
SaturdayNightLive | pongo_snl | Oh, wow, thanks Mom of course, honey. Well, I think that's it for all the presents. What's the matter guys? Nothing. it's just what we really wanted this year was a puppy. We're not sure you're ready for that kind of responsibility. Your kids want a dog for Christmas. it's a problem every year until now. Hey guys, I th... |
TheOnion | Voting_Machines_Elect_One_Of_Their_Own_As_President | Welcome back to those of you just joining us.
Let's get you up to speed on what is shaping up to be the political upset of the century. Though we are still waiting on a few districts in Ohio to report, currently Sequoia Voting Systems machine number DRE 700, serial number 34491, leads both Barack Obama and John McCain... |
dropout | the_play_by_play_for_your_weekend_plans | Hello, and welcome back to another exciting edition of Grant Tries to Plan is Friday Night. I'm Ricky Steed, and I'm HootBoot. Let's get right back into the action.
Before the break, Grant was fielding texts from two different parties, the first of which was from Marcus, his college friend, who says, hey, Grant, want ... |
dropout | why_can_t_you_use_phones_on_planes | Ladies and gentlemen, as we prepare for takeoff, please turn off all electronic devices. Why? What's that? Well, why do we have to turn off our electronic devices? Because they can interfere with the plane's navigation.
Oh, okay. So, anyway. How? What's that?
How do they interfere with the plane's navigation? Because... |
ClickHole | how_to_make_your_hair_look_wet | Hey guys, it's Marisa and I'm back with another hair tutorial. So a lot of you have been asking me how to get that wet hair look and today I'm gonna show you how. Women have been yearning for that wet hair look that Demi Lovato and Damp Lisa have made so hot. I like it because it's slippery, sophisticated, and totally ... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_big_hollywood_quiz_snl | Thank you, thank you! Welcome to the show That's all about entertainment. let's meet our contestants. First, Robert is a professor of Film studies at Tisch School of the Arts. Hi, Jack. Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for Usa Today. great to be here. Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollyw... |
cracked | movie_villains_with_no_idea_what_they_re_doing_yboc_dr_strange_i_am_legend | So, say you want to murder someone as part of a conspiracy to suppress knowledge of the nasty side effects of a drug again. This time, you need it to be completely untraceable, like that time when you cleverly ran Alex Lentz off the road with an untraceable hit and run. You know your target's happily married, reasonabl... |
cracked | the_5_douchiest_douchebags_in_the_news_this_week | Welcome back to Douchebag Headquarters. My co-anchor, Orin J. Katseff, has the week off, because he died. Anyway, it's Friday, April 11th, and this is the week in Douchebaggery. I'm Lex Friedman, and no news is good news, so here's the bad news.
Douchebag number five, Texas authorities, for taking custody of over 400 ... |
cracked | the_insane_harry_potter_fan_theory_that_might_be_true | It always seemed odd that Harry Potter's aunt and uncle, the Dursleys, would be good enough to take him in and raise him, only to keep him locked in a cupboard under the stairs and generally treat him like s***. There's no such thing as magic. Wouldn't it be cheaper to dump him in an orphanage? In a series full of magi... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_uwe_boll | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Andre Vermeulen, David Young, and Pat Cassels. Video game movies are not exactly known for their quality, but the worst of the worst all have one thing in common. They were made by one man, Uwe Boll. So today we're going to watch some of Uwe's movies. Groovey!
This is Bl... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Voter_s_Guide_To_Barack_Obama | The Onion's Election 2012 We Decide, Not You, brought to you by 7-Eleven or 7-Election. Voting rates available at participating locations only. Election Day is approaching, and it's almost time for you to make your voice heard while a small group of billionaire campaign donors decide the election. To help you prepare, ... |
dropout | transformers_go_hollywood | So I was like, I'm the star of Transformers. Huge summer blockbuster, remember?
Good afternoon, gentlemen. Our lunch specials today... What are you guys doing here?
It's me, Leader One, from the Challenge of the GoBots, remember? Challenge of the GoBots?
Never even heard of that. What's that in one of those gay danc... |
dropout | when_your_boss_promotes_you_without_a_raise | Gwen, we've all been so impressed by everything you've accomplished this year. Thank you, sir. Now, you know Keith is leaving at the end of the month. Meredith and I have been talking. We want to give you his old accounts. Really? Thank you so much. Senior operation specialist, this is a huge leap.
Technically the tit... |
dropout | magic_schools_sh_ttier_than_hogwarts | Whoa. J.K. Rowling just announced that there's a bunch more magic schools. Whoa.
Do you know what this means? We might still have a chance to go to a school for witchcraft and wizardry. Do you really think so? Even though we're all old as shit? There's only one way to find out. Trying to find out what school you're go... |
dropout | nerd_alert_boba_fett_is_overrated_with_mc_chris | Welcome to Nerd Alert! I'm Jeff Rubin here with Dorkly's Brian Murphy, College Humor's Pat Cassels, and MC Chris, who you may know from his work as a rapper and on such adult swim shows as Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It is the College Humor all-nighter, it's the middle of the night, and that is the perfect time to argue ab... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_it_s_a_wonderful_life | It's a Wonderful Life. Frank Capra's holiday classic about why you should always wait to see what your friends get you for Christmas before killing yourself is among the most cherished movies in all of cinema. Here's some trivia that will change the way you watch It's a Wonderful Life forever. George Bailey, the film's... |
cracked | the_real_reason_texting_and_driving_is_bad | Just tell it okay, okay, okay, okay, man. I I don't even know where to start There we go. Yeah, I Mean it sounds so silly now.
I Texted my friend About a movie. I mean, I don't even remember which one I was just in that home alone. I was on a date I asked my roommate to text up civic time just in case it wasn't going ... |
dropout | whit_radio | Power 102 FM plays today's hit music. I love to wake up to it. It keeps me going at work. They play all of my favorite music without any of that rap. All the greatest hits of the 80s, 90s, and today, all on one radio station. No one's got the variety Power 102 has. Got music you can dance to. And actually understand th... |
dropout | the_absolutely_terrifying_endless_pasta_bowl | When we deliver it to your table, each bowl emits a blue supernatural light as you and your family are caught, trance-like, in sublime horror of the infinite, unforgiving expanse of the universe. You can see your deepest fears, your own death, and even the end of the world as you know it. And if you look hard enough in... |
CrackerMilk | sketch_comedy_that_ll_put_you_on_a_watchlist | You got a hole in your shirt you got a hole in your butt who told you what you can never leave Fly you fool He sneezes like a girl He screams like a girl He pees like a girl You got a friend in me You've got a friend in me when the Hey Elias, that coffee was amazing. Can I have another? Yeah, man. Thanks Everything in ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cameron_the_blackbird_saturday_night_live | Scientists are investigating why 5,000 red-winged blackbirds fell out of the sky over Arkansas on New Year's Day, here now to help explain this Arkansas native and a lone survivor from this bizarre incident, Cameron the Red-winged Blackbird. Hello. Hey, Cameron, buddy. how you holding up? I'm pretty good, Seth, you kno... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_nose_wrestling_saturday_night_live | Here Live ringside at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, where we will be bringing you the Heavyweight Nose Wrestling Championship of the World. He between 1979 Champion James James Walker and the 1978 Champion Scott Buckman. Let's take a look at James Walker right now. James is famous for his famous Shana Zola Septum grinde... |
dropout | boost_mobile_mystery_phone | Hey everyone, I'm Streeter Seidel and this is Mystery Phone presented by Boost Mobile. Here's how it's gonna work. We're gonna leave this phone on a park bench and then call it. Whoever picks up, we're gonna ask them to do something embarrassing on this spot.
If they do it, we pay them. If they don't, we don't.
Simpl... |
TheOnion | Host_Leslie_Price_Confronts_The_Cursed_Scratching_Within_His_Walls_The_Topical_Episode_47 | The bats are in the walls. They are trying to get in here. They are trying to get in and put me in the walls. Ah! Hello? Let me out! The bats are putting me in the walls!
Stop it!
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the easiest way to send and receive money. Trust me, family court judges know how easy it is and they... |
dropout | support_women_if_you_know_one_ch_shorts | Did you know marginalized people are suffering from sexism, homophobia, classism, racism? These are our mothers, our daughters, our sisters, our wives, and we need to protect their access to equal pay, equal rights, and respect because of their proximity to us.
That's it. That's the reason. That's why we care. Yes.
W... |
dropout | vampire_doesn_t_feel_invited | Hey! Come on in! Welcome! Appetize to their drinks! Are you gonna come in, or?
So, I'm a vampire, so you kinda have to, like...
Oh! God, I'm sorry.
Uh, you are invited. Are you sure, though, that it sounded like a pity invite? I don't want a pity invite.
No! What?
Everyone's here. Raph made tapas. They're garlic-f... |
TheOnion | iraqi_law_requires_waiting_period_for_suicide_vests | I'm Juliana Mechanis, sitting in for Clifford Bains, who is at a Michael Kors sample sale.
The Iraqi government is currently debating a new law which would create a mandatory five-day waiting period for the purchase of all explosive suicide vests. Is this a violation of an Iraqi citizen's right to own a suicide bomb? ... |
SaturdayNightLive | home_videos_snl | David, could you look in the cabinet for the Tv remote? my leg's hurting something awful tonight. yeah, sure, dad. Oh, whoa. are these. oh, movies? yep. your father always had that camera out. do you mind if I put them on? I'd love that. let's just be quiet. we don't want to wake up grandma. shh.
I miss those days. th... |
SaturdayNightLive | i_just_had_sex_snl_digital_short | Sometimes something beautiful happens in this world. you don't know how to express yourself, so you just got to sing. I just have to sing. the feeling's inside of me. have you ever had sex?
I have It felt great. it felt so good when I did it with my penis. a girl, let me do it. literally, just having sex can make a ni... |
SaturdayNightLive | bullets_aren_t_cheap_snl | Who the devil does he think he is? Sir, it was a very dangerous mission.
Bonn pulled it off beautifully. I know that.
Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balinese back-walking session is being charged to the British government. it was in the line of du... |
dropout | video_game_sportscenter | Holy cow, what a game folks, if you're just joining us, that final score is not a typo. The 1972 Dolphins 217, the 0-5 Oakland Raiders 0. The Dolphins went for fake punts on every fourth down they had and two third downs converting them all. 31 onside kicks in a row shattering the previous record of 1. I mean coming in... |
ClickHole | inspiring_mothers_tell_their_daughters_what_they_wish_they_had_known_about_being_a_woman | I wish I'd known that women have a whole other eyeball inside their skull that stares at their brain all day. And men have one too, but it's in their stomach and it just looks around at all the food in there. No one ever bothered to tell me. It took me a long time to realize that just because you're a woman, men don't ... |
CrackerMilk | we_re_pressing_charges | You know what, man? What? I've got some beef with you that I want to fucking sort out. Yeah?
You're in my courtroom! Fuck. This is Judge Judy. 30-year-old gaylord, Elias de Wedgert, is being sued by his ex-lover, Connor McBuff, for not getting on the beers. He's gay. Alright, you big bitches. The reason you boys are h... |
SaturdayNightLive | chloe_fineman_is_a_vip_with_magenta_status_in_partnership_with_t_mobile_snl | I've always felt I deserved the Vip treatment. excuse me. I'm a Vip, so I'll need one sweet for me and one for my dog at a discounted rate. your dog? he says yes. And how many room keys would you be needing? All of them. Oh, he's asking about the Wi-fi. excuse me. Vip coming through. she deserves to get into this show ... |
dropout | amir_gets_pranked | Hey everyone, we're here in Austin, Texas, because our best friend Amir has a screening of his new movie, A Fairy Herald in Kumar 3D Christmas, and we decided to crash it. So we're at the airport, Amir's landing soon. We have all these mega fans, and they're going to ambush him when he comes down.
Here it is, right he... |
dropout | precious_plum_for_president_see_plum_run_full_episode | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a beauty quark. My mama drawn me around a patch. I had cheese in my neck. Cheese in my precious plum. Plum Miller and her mother, Blueberry Mama Miller, became overnight sensations with their hit reality show, Precious Plum.
Mama? Yeah, baby? Where do babies come from?
Dick... |
cracked | why_jar_jar_binks_is_more_evil_than_you_ever_knew_cracked_responds | Hey, buddy, buddy, gather around me now. Have you guys seen that theory floating around the internet about Jar Jar Binks? Yes, the racist fish man from Phantom Menace? Music or Jar Jar Binks? Music or Humble 7? What? Or is he? Theory. Sort of blowing up on Reddit and spreading out as Reddit things do. This user Lumpawa... |
ClickHole | we_ve_never_seen_obama_naked_because_he_has_a_stomach_pouch_where_he_keeps_the_communist_manifesto | You want to see something chilling? Take a look at this. When you zoom in extremely close on George Soros' face, it starts to get really, really blurry. Innocent people don't get blurry. Only people with something to hide get all pixelated and hard to see when you magnify their face by a thousand percent.
But Soros is... |
cracked | why_the_cassowary_is_the_most_terrifying_animal_ever | Dinosaurs were pretty great, but then they lost pretty horribly, and they've since evolved into stupid birds who eat bugs and worms. They are gross losers. But most birds are content to soar the skies. It's their consolation prize for losing so bad. Even the biggest losers, flightless birds, are pretty chill about it.
... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_01_05_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin live on Desert Rock FM recording here in the respective budgie smuggler bedroom studios. You're joined by myself of course Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate and Errol Parke... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Spectre | There's not one person at MI6 who isn't talking about it. Talking about what, exactly? That what you did in Mexico was one step too far. That you're finished. What do you think? I think you're just getting started. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be discussing Spectre, a chilling ch... |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_and_hillary_cold_open_tax_returns_saturday_night_live | And now a message from the Clinton campaign. Good evening.
Yesterday, after intense pressure from the press and relentless criticism from Senator Obama's campaign, Bill and I agreed to make public our tax returns for the years 2002 to 2007. it turns out that over those years, my husband and I made about $109 million i... |
dropout | hbo_should_show_dongs | Hi HBO, it's us your female viewers We've got a boner to pick with you from the brothels of Game of Thrones to the brothels of Boardwalk Empire all the way to the Brothels of Deadwood. Don't forget the strip clubs of the Sopranos You've shown us a whole lot of boobies so many that after watching an hour of your shows s... |
cracked | jon_snow_is_a_terrible_military_commander_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everybody, thanks so much for joining us for our Game of Thrones recap show winner is taking forever I am Adam Ganser, and I'm star lean hodge, and we are ready to Break down what I would say is the best episode. Yeah. No, it's fantastic. Yeah, okay So at the top of the episode we had Tyrion and Daenerys having a f... |
dropout | dire_consequences_hot_pepper_improv | I'm Kevin Corrigan. And I'm Brian Murphy.
We're about to break a wishbone. Loser has to eat a habanero pepper. And then perform live improv in front of a sold out crowd. Three, two, one.
You fucking did it! You got it by yourself! That's your fault! I had my phone right here. I'm smart. You're dumb.
The Murk is stil... |
TheOnion | Tinder_Swipes_Right_On_Big_Changes_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_12 | Tinder announces some big changes to their platform. Could the new features help you find a date before Valentine's Day, or are you just a sad, sorry sack of shit who's destined to be alone forever?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. If you're tired of your loveless existen... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jake_gyllenhaal_and_nicolas_cage_saturday_night_live | And now it's time for Gettin' The Cage, a new segment where actor Nicholas Cage sits down with a fellow thespian to discuss the craft in their recent work. please welcome Nicholas Cage and Jake Gyllenhaal. Seth, before we start, let me just say that I'm thrilled to be here with one of my acting heroes, uh, Mr. Nicholas... |
SaturdayNightLive | bp_oil_spill_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from the people who ruined our ocean. Good evening. I'm Tony Heywood from British Petroleum. I'm Steven Newman from Transocean. and I'm Tim Probert from Halliburton. we're back. you've probably heard we've made several attempts to contain the spill. an early plan was called the Top Hat. that's where ... |
dropout | this_movie_will_pass_the_bechdel_test | This summer, from the studio that brought you Sex Ninjas, Hot Dog Scooter, and Chubby Chaser PD, comes a little something for the ladies. That's right, it's the Bechdel Test, the movie. Written by the guys who brought you Rock Steel, Race Cars in Hell, and the Entourage movie. Trust us, this movie will pass the test.
... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_mclachlan_on_dogs_in_need_snl | Plans this week were announced for a Lilith Fair 2010, the popular all-female summer music Festival, ran from 1997 to 1999. it was co-founded by Sarah Mclaughlin. Here to talk about it now is Sarah Mclaughlin.
Thanks for having me. Do me, Dad, me, Dad, me, Day.
Sarah, I have to tell you, I am so excited about Lilith ... |
TheOnion | Predator_Drone_Court_Martialed_For_Afghani_Civilian_Deaths | This is the Onion News Network report first ask questions later All right Let's go now to the case the whole nation is watching at the military trial of mq1 military drone tr4 to 5 for last September's tragic bombing of an Afghan wedding After nearly a month of various testimony the tr4 to 5 itself will finally take th... |
cracked | 5_reasons_groot_is_the_greatest_hero_of_the_21st_century_guardians_of_the_galaxy | I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. Thank you, thank you, I am a professional impressionist, and that was my impression of you guys, the internet, since August. Actually, since way before August, since July 2012, when Marvel announced a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_249_Channel_Tres | We've got a special guest in today, someone who we've been following, tracking the trajectory for quite some time now. Channel Tres, thank you for joining us. Channel, we wanted to kind of talk to you a little bit about this trajectory that we have kind of witnessed. We would say it popped up on our radar 2018, early 2... |
TheOnion | Nike_Releases_New_Olympic_Track_Suits_Designed_To_Limit_Penis_Wind_Resistance | This is why we should be able to arrest anyone at any time for any reason, and you have the right to remain yelling, Doc. Tell them what we're doing. Sometimes certain sports stories are so awful to talk about, they hasten our deaths. The best we can do is choose how it happens. This is pick your poison.
Drink up, Ken... |
dropout | collegehumor_s_open_letter_to_miley_cyrus | Miley Cyrus, we at College Humor are shocked, offended, and disappointed in you. We have never seen behavior like yours before. You're taking pop culture to entirely brand new lows. It is unheard of for someone to shed their wholesome Disney image and start parading their body around like some kind of hussy.
Coming th... |
cracked | donald_trump_finally_embraces_the_hitler_comparisons_cracked_responds | Hey, hey, hey, hey, how do you both feel about freedom? Pretty great. It's all right. I like it. Okay.
How do you feel about songs even better? Oh Music songs music songs. They're my favorite.
Yeah one and two really you're gonna love this border and a recent Trump rally These children performed this song about freed... |
dropout | Grunge_Rock_Song_About_a_Teddy_Bear_Wedding_Play_It_By_Ear | I'm going to interrupt because I don't know what's coming next, but I just want to make sure this next song involves some sort of grunge rock. I got a bunch of bears, so like if that's helpful, let me know and I'll use that. Yeah, in some ways a friendship is a stronger tether than dark magic. Are you saying with this ... |
dropout | Conversion_Therapy | Hello everybody, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. That's right, it's spooky. Welcome to our thirteenth episode. I'm Ally Beardsley, your host. This is a podcast for people who are in the closet, people who are out of the closet, people who are near the closet. If you're currently in the closet, we're here to keep ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | sir_my_mom_says_you_re_allowed_to_sleep_over_ | Mr. President, thank you for your patience. I'm certain many of you have questions about this week's negotiations. Yes, it is true. A deal has been made. As of this evening, I am officially pleased to announce my mom says you're allowed to sleep over.
One at a time, one at a time, one at a time. Yes, Tyler? Mr. Presid... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_30_5_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Now, the federal election is well and truly in the rear view. Skomo's already made a trip up to the curry, he's got the bushes on side. Yeah, you're right, Clancy.
Most of the country is pretty much over the whole election drama, but there are some people still going on about it, and you wrote a story about a young wo... |
dropout | troopers_coffee_run | Dread Lord Sinister, here is your coffee, sir. What? I didn't order any coffee. Ah, yes, you did, sir. Three days ago. Three days? Good lord, man. What took you so long? Well, sir, you only wanted coffee from the Southwest Quadrant. Ah, yes.
Julio does make it just the way I like it. The Dread Cruiser is 1200 miles ac... |
dropout | most_insane_vo_booth_ever_can_you_be_cooler | Hey Josh, thanks for coming in. Yeah, sure. Josh, it's going to be a couple quick tags. I'm going to push a couple buttons back here and we'll get underway in three, two, one. Three, two, one. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. Great, Josh.
Could you try it this time?
A little, like a cool guy, right? Ah, cool. Tonight... |
TheOnion | Fugitive_Doctor_Accuses_Devlin_MacGregor_Of_Fraud | Following last evening's sudden disruption of a Chicago medical gala, fugitive physician Dr. Richard Kimball, a once-eminent vascular surgeon, was finally taken into custody after a long and intense local manhunt. The escaped felon reportedly barged into a conference room at the Hilton Chicago Hotel and accused his for... |
TheOnion | Congressman_Embroiled_In_Sexting_Scandal_Explains_I_Wanted_That_Girl_To_See_My_Penis | It's the nude photo scandal that's rocked Washington and could topple a political career I sat down with congressman bard Hanford and for the first time He opened up about what led him to make such a costly mistake Congressman Hanford you're married two beautiful children and yet you texted nude photographs to a 23-yea... |
dropout | let_s_go_to_the_movies_green_lantern | Now because of my busy work schedule, I don't get to see a lot of movies, so I have to guess what will happen based solely from watching the trailer. Now here's what I think is going to happen in Green Lantern. Starting out, it looks like this Hal Jordan guy is a bit of a ladies man. I bet he's walking through a crowde... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_great_day_saturday_night_live | Hi, but today seems like it's gonna be a great day! there's something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way! If the birds are chirping, tweedily-deet, the sun is shining bright! there's a skip in my step, a pep in my path, and I don't know why! Hey there, Mailman Fred! any letters for my ex-wife... |
dropout | Good_Morning_River_View_High_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Good morning, fellow students at Riverview High School and welcome to Breaking News. It's the show where we don't know what we're about ... |
dropout | learning_guitar_to_get_laid | Hi. Welcome to learning how to play guitar. Well enough to get you laid, volume one. There are literally thousands of chords, but only four of them are needed to play Wonderwall. So let's get started. Where's my pick? That's right, it's in my wallet. Lesson number one, always keep your pick in your wallet so it seems l... |
SaturdayNightLive | satellite_delay_saturday_night_live | I know I'm excited. I think we've got Denise now. let's go to her.
Live in the rainforest of Costa Rica.
Hi, Denise. good to see you. Thank you, Tom. hi, Vivian. looks like the climate agrees with you, Denise. you look fantastic. how long have you been down there? Thank you, Tom. I put papaya on my face this morning.... |
cracked | the_most_famous_sexual_assaulter_on_youtube | Hey everyone, I wanna talk to you about smooches. Everybody loves a good smooch. Gettin' smooches, givin' smooches, smooching. But there's one kind of smooching that's nay-okay, and that's stealin' a smooch. A surprise smooch, a sexual assault smooch.
Here's Michael Squint's palidorus from the Sandlot. He's a complete... |
dropout | an_exciting_new_release_from_george_r_r_martin | Oh got a new book there yeah I'm liking it but what I'm really hankering for is George RR Martin's next book hello boys did someone just say hungry George RR Martin I said hey I got something you'd be very interested in yeah something I've been working on for a very long time a hefty door great enough to satisfy even t... |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_corrects_itself | You've gotten things wrong. Wait, are you going to do a correction segment? I've always wanted to do one of those. Well, let's see how you like it.
Exhibit A, Adam ruins forensic science. You claimed that DNA was the only foolproof type of evidence. Killer's DNA is all over this crime scene. We'll know for certain who... |
TheOnion | FDA_Approves_Depressant_Drug_For_The_Annoyingly_Cheerful | The first ever prescription depressant hit the shelves today. Approved by the FDA last month, Despondex is intended as a treatment for the approximately 20 million Americans who are insufferably cheery. Tests prove the drug is effective at reducing a range of symptoms, from squealing loudly when a friend calls, to use ... |
dropout | if_peter_jackson_adapted_the_silmarillion | The Lord of the Rings defined a genre. The Hobbit enhanced the legend, and now Peter Jackson returns to Middle-earth to adapt J.R.R. Tolkien's final work, The Silmerimium. Welcome to the first day of rehearsal for J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion. It has been an absolute honor to work on adapting the Simarillion, whic... |
dropout | remember_when_murder_was_legal | Welcome once again to What The Facts, our extra credit lesson on all the crazy topics and events covered on WTF 101. My name's Jake Young, and this time around we're covering duels. And to help us demand satisfaction, we've enlisted the help of a university professor and expert on the act of dueling, Steven Hughes.
St... |
CrackerMilk | the_worst_yoga_studio_in_australia | I'm bloody tense and I'm ready to go to a bloody yoga meditation retreat bloody hell. Man, you got a really calm demeanor about you. Is that because you work at a bloody yoga meditation center? Yes, and welcome to the Crackamoke yoga meditation retreat. Welcome. My name is Connor Hargitay and I will be guiding you on t... |
cracked | why_this_week_s_episode_is_daenerys_villain_origin_story_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, welcome to episode six of winners taking forever. I'm Daniel. I'm Michael.
We're gonna talk about Game of Thrones Today let's talk about the the the biggest character coming back Benjen Stark last time We saw him was episode three of the whole show Yeah And I feel like it was a it was a kind of like a bo... |
dropout | oh_no_why_is_this_trending_2017_edition | Welcome to the game everyone plays when they log on to Twitter. Oh no! Why is this trending? Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Oh No! Why is this trending? We've got a lot of inscrutable trending topics for us to unpack, so we're going to jump right into it. You guys ready? Sure am I. Alright, here we go... |
TheOnion | Everyone_Unaware_How_Much_Freshman_Doing_Keg_Stand_Secretly_Misses_His_Parents | A pregnant woman is relieved to hear her rape was illegitimate, college roommates continue their bonding process until real friends are made, and a teacher hopes they never Google him. It's time for the weekly video feature that's heartier and more comforting than a heaping bowl of mom's butternut squash soup. This is ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_123_Kev_Carmody | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show here live in the old city district downtown Petuta recording from the Budgie Smuggler studio. You're joined of course by myself Clancy Overall, editor of The Petuta Advoc... |
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