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TheBetootaAdvocate | Nina_Oyama_Star_of_Deadloch_Taskmaster_Australia_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Close your eyes and picture this it's Friday night your parents are out getting a pizza from Pizza Haven And you are left inside a video store, but not just any video store It's the last video store with every single film on its shelves. You are listening to it right now My name is Alexei Toliopoulos. I'm the host of t... |
cracked | why_pop_science_matters_lowest_common_dominator | Hello, and welcome to another episode of Lowest Common Dominator, the only show that sifts through the oil spill of pop culture, plucks out the grossest bits, and cleans them off to reveal a majestic, uh, I don't know, like a duck or something. Elk! God, those are pretty animals.
Anyway, I'm your host and sledgewiper,... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_only_thing_you_can_t_put_ranch_on_ | Yeah, my husky does the same thing. She used to be so afraid of the water, but she's fine now.
Hey guys! What's going on? Having a little lunch before the big meeting? Uh, yeah. Mind if I take a seat? Ooh, salad! Me too! Is that ranch? Let me just... Thank you! So what kind of salad you got? It's... Cobb, I think. Wha... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_beef_gurewitch | I keep on having to remember the blank. Who is? What? I'm... You or what? I hope your tummies are growling. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's 5.30 in the morning. Exactly.
That's why I spent the last hour preparing my family's signature culinary dish, Beef Gerwich. Beef Gerwich? Yeah. Beef Gerwich was created in 1... |
dropout | you_have_got_to_try_heroin_hardly_working | I just started watching Orphan Black.
Oh yeah? I'm hooked. Oh, it's the best, right? Right? Oh my god, it's so good. You know what else is really good?
Heroin. Wait, like the drug?
Yeah! Ah, super addictive, right? Like I started it and I cannot stop.
That's terrible.
No, you were just talking about how great Orph... |
TheOnion | Popular_1920s_Dance_Originated_As_Way_To_Terrorize_Jews_Season_1_Ep_6_on_IFC | Today, we travel back to a time when dancing wasn't just something you did when you were blackout drunk at your girlfriend's cousin's wedding. If you were a young hep cat on this day in history, 75 years ago, chances are you were doing the Lindy Hop, a dance that finds its roots in the virulent anti-Semitism that was a... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Shining | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. On today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at The Shining, Stanley Kubrick's remarkable adaptation of the Stephen King horror novel starring Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, and myself, Peter K. Rosenthal, as a young Danny Torrance before the cold... |
SaturdayNightLive | teri_hatcher_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and Gentlemen, Harry Potter! A lot of you know me from my Tv show, Lois and Clark, where I play Lois. the main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn't, right? I mean, granted, it ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Common_Ground_A_Saviour_Returns_A_Solution_To_The_Labour_Shortage_More_November_18 | How is everyone going? How are you Errol?
Not bad mate, it's good to see you wearing shoes this week, I think last week when you came into this recording studio here at Desert Rock FM, you came in here bare feet, it almost felt like I was hopping into a silver service taxi down there in Sydney mate, they're all just d... |
cracked | why_the_wizard_of_oz_is_more_hardcore_than_the_wire | What's the plan? How you livin'? Um... Large. Is that right? Ah, you know it. Hey! What's uh... What's all that?
Strictly suit and tie now. Games the game, and the game done changed. You watch The Wire.
So good! Oh man! Stringer Bell! Just the best villain ever!
I mean, it's all manipulati... sly. Glinda, Wizard of ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_the_drive_thru_made_you_take_their_order_ | Hey, what should I get here? Uh, I've actually never eaten here before It's fast food. It's gonna be terrible no matter what Welcome to greasy boys. Hope you're having a cheesy greasy day Right, okay, we're gonna do three separate orders.
Could I get a number four with extra? Can I get a double cheeseburger? Hold that... |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_legally_blonde_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | 2001's Legally Blonde tells the story of her sorority sister, Elle Woods, getting dumped by her tall, drink-a-water boyfriend, who thinks her bubbly disposition and freed spirit won't jive with his plans to be a senator, and so she enacts revenge by effortlessly sliding ass backwards into Harvard and becoming a terrifi... |
dropout | precious_plum_a_holy_man | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around the past. H-I-J-K-M-I-N-O-P She's my precious Plum. Today Plum's competing to be Ohio Ho at the third lane of a bowling alley after a triple kid's birthday party.
Of course, breakfast time! Come on, we're doing one for breakfast. We got ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stormy_daniels_says_trump_didn_t_wear_condom_rfk_jr_s_parasitic_brain_worm_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
This week in court, Stormy Daniels gave a detailed description of sex with Donald Trump, which was so disgusting, even the sky turned green. Stormy Daniels, seen here as drawn by the cr... |
SaturdayNightLive | mountaintop_luvahs_saturday_night_live | Well, you said the room will be ready in about 15 minutes. great. that was a long drive, huh? Yeah. wow. hello. um, excuse me. I was wondering, is there room for two more lovers at Hearth's Edge? uh, I'm sorry? may we join you at Hearth's Edge? Oh, yeah, sure. I'm sorry. yeah, we're just waiting for my run, So. Excelle... |
ClickHole | people_tim_allen_ratted_on_after_he_got_busted_for_coke_talk_about_how_home_improvement_saved_them | Tim Allen gave my name to the feds in 1978. He did just over two years for drug trafficking. I did 30. Those first years locked up, I was in a dark place.
I wanted to hurt Tim the Rat Allen. Every day was a struggle to stay alive, to stay sane, all because Tim Allen ratted me out. But home improvement got me through i... |
dropout | Science_Doesn_t_Make_Food_Taste_Better | All food starts as science. Delicious. I experienced the world through math, logic, and problem-solving. Morning, chef. Oh!
I don't know why, but I don't seem to relate to some of my colleagues. Lynn was raised by a wire monkey covered with cloth. She was part of an experiment at Quindleton University to see if compas... |
dropout | 5_tips_for_people_who_don_t_understand_taxes | Hey guys, Grant here. It's tax season, and if you're not a money person, you might be a little intimidated about getting your return together. But don't be. Doing your taxes is easy. Here are five tips to help get you ready for May. April. No, May. The hardest part of tax prep is going through the information. So just ... |
dropout | explore_life_at_the_party_sponsored | In all of nature there are few ecosystems as complex and varied as the one found in the common house party. Here various organisms meet and interact creating a chance to study and observe them in all their glory. Join us today as we explore life at the party. Unlike other environs such as a riverbank, forest or savanna... |
SaturdayNightLive | bank_robbery_snl | Well, congratulations, Ms. Hopley. your business count is officially open. Oh, thank you so much, Chelsea. Oh, this is so great. she's a business owner. Meanwhile, we're making check deposits like it's 1995. better safe than sorry, Hon. Last time we tried e-depositing, I accidentally posted my social security number on... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_eliza_skinner | Please, welcome Miss Eliza Skinner. Hello, what's mom doing here? She brought cookies.
Ouija board! It's very spooky. Poopy. Miss, are you going to talk to Grandma on the Ouija board? I bet she's got a lot to say, huh? Has she just died? Maybe I'll talk on the Ouija board, huh? I'm on the Ouija board. You know Red All... |
dropout | dorm_bathroom | Okay, first shower of college and I have come prepared. Shampoo, conditioner, loofah, loofah on a string, loofah on a stick, good to go.
Oh my god. Oh!
Towel, towel, towel, towel, towel. I need a towel.
Balls are showing faces straight. Thanks, bro. Sorry. Take a pee first. I was trying to call you back, but my phon... |
SaturdayNightLive | triumph_performers_saturday_night_live | Hi, and welcome to Triumph Performers. I'm Cindy Tracy. my guests today are three very special entertainers who each in their own way, have triumphed over obstacles to continue what's in their life's blood, show business. my first guest is Frank Fisher, and he's a mime, a mime that has had to overcome a very special hu... |
dropout | hipsters_haunted_by_spanish_speaking_ghost | Thank you. I can't believe you found us such a great apartment in Bed-Stuy. Gentrification is the new black. Cheers. Oh my God. A ghost.
Salgan. Salgan de la Casa. Wait, what is he saying? What is that part right there? I don't know. So? Salgan. Salgan de la Casa. Wait, what is he saying? What is that part right there... |
dropout | your_desk_the_hottest_new_lunch_spot | There's a new lunch spot in town where you can always find a seat, and the selection is endless. It's called your desk, and we've just expanded our menu. Come in now and try our lip salad eaten while gazing vacantly at a HuffPo article, or our new vending machine pastry hastily scarfed in the middle of a conference cal... |
dropout | the_problem_with_brogrammers | I finally figured out that code. Now, let's stop fooling around. Whizzle wants us to program this robot, so it makes our world a better place. Our robot needs to be a game changer. Totally agree. We're actually working on a code where the robot is able to detect lead levels in the water. It could be really big. I got i... |
dropout | obsessive_boyfriends_are_so_romantic | What happened?
Dylan just sent me the cutest text. He always wants to know where I'm at and what I'm doing and who I'm with. He's very protective. He must love you so much. Yeah, he never says it, but he always shows it. Well ladies, I hate to brag, but my boyfriend Chaz is so into me. He's always telling me what to w... |
cracked | why_donald_trump_is_the_new_bad_guy_from_back_to_the_future | The year is 2016. Marty McFly, husband, father, famous rock musician, wakes up and turns on the television. That's odd, he thinks, but he doesn't think what the odd thing is, so I'll just tell you. On the news, he sees his old nemesis Biff Tannen running for President of the United States successfully. God bless Americ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_perfect_crime_goes_perfectly_wrong | Very sorry about that. Probably not.
Make just enough for your mortgage next month. Okay, alright. Well, thank you for choosing us as your preferred bank. Have a nice day.
Oh my god, take whatever you want! Just please don't kill me! Oh my god!
The robber! We're gonna die! Guys, guys, guys!
I'm not robbing the plac... |
TheOnion | Republicans_Stalling_Obama_s_Agenda_By_Speaking_Moving_In_Slow_Motion | Are Republicans deliberately trying to obstruct government business to hurt Obama's reelection chances? In Washington, Democrats charged Republicans with trying to do just that through their recent tactic of speaking and moving in slow motion. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, however, denied the accusations this... |
cracked | why_you_won_t_actually_move_to_canada_even_if_trump_wins | Hello, Americans. It's us, Canadians. We heard a lot of you are mad about your presidential election. So mad you're threatening to move to Canada.
Don't. Don't move to Canada. It's way harder than you think. It won't solve your problems. And deep down, you don't really want to.
Or deserve to, eh? Opposing Donald Trum... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_hannibal_buress | Please give it up for Hannibal Burks! Got interns at my job, it's pretty cool, you just tell them to do stuff. It ain't doing. You gotta be nice to them. I had this cat fax something, man, fax that for me. I had him another pay a day, fax something for yourself. I'm a good guy.
People always think I'm high, though, al... |
TheOnion | Laid_Off_Man_Finally_Achieves_Perfect_Work_Life_Balance | Shortly after being fired from his coding position at a downsizing tech firm, 34-year-old Irvine native Sam Morrison told reporters Monday that he believed he had finally achieved the sort of work-life balance for which he has long strived. Yeah, ever since I got fired, it just seems like my whole entire routine is jus... |
cracked | jon_stewart_tells_anti_woke_comedians_to_shut_the_f_up | John Stewart is one of the best to ever do it for so many reasons, but this week the reason is he told off anti-woke comedians in a big way. Who the fuck do you think you are? This weekend at the Netflix as a Joke Festival, he fired at a number of targets. According to The Hollywood Reporter, he addressed Biden's age, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | inventing_chloe_snl | I'm a boss. I'm. Anna Delvi gets whatever she wants. your money is coming. why couldn't you just listen? Hey, Andrew, where'd you get that sandwich? Oh, they just sat in the writer's room. Oh, great. I'm starving. Oh, this was actually the last one. Oh. okay. Andrew, wait. that's actually my sandwich. Yeah? What is tha... |
dropout | god_s_boss_craig_sponsorship | I can't tell you how happy heaven is to have Morning Munchies come up here and sponsor a miracle. Of course. An act of God seemed like the perfect way to introduce our new fruity cutie patootie breakfast smoothie. I'll let our executive deity take it from here. Take it, G-man. Thank you, Craig. Well, there have been a ... |
dropout | the_boy_who_cried_literally | There once was a boy who used the word literally incorrectly. Guys, guys, guys, get in here, you gotta see this, I'm literally crying. You're not crying, so? But you said you were literally crying. I just meant I was laughing. So don't use the word literally then. But this is literally the funniest thing. His friends u... |
dropout | diversity_is_so_in_ch_shorts | I'm Rekha, and welcome back to TrendWatch, where we talk about the hottest new trend. Last week, we talked about the big world of Doc Martens, the week before we talked about the crazy fan of chokers. And this week, we're talking about something bigger, something wildly huge.
This week, we're talking about diversity. ... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Fictional_Drugs | Today we're talking about fictional drugs. Now there are plenty of real drugs out there, but sometimes you need a drug so powerful it dwarfs anything in the real world. For instance, in the video game Grand Theft Auto 3, there's a drug called Spank. There's a new high on the street. Goes by the name of Spank. This is a... |
dropout | housemates_of_horror_halloween_costumes | This is the story of seven costumed killers, and can. Choosing a mask to hide their face, which hides an endoskeleton. So they can look pretty while trick or treating. And visit pain upon any who would give them those orange peanuts. This is Horror House, Halloween! Things have been pretty tense since our last party, a... |
SaturdayNightLive | jenna_ortega_monologue_snl | I am so excited to be here. my name is Jenna Ortega. I'm 20 years old, which makes me the youngest host of the season, but I've actually been acting since I was a kid. I got discovered when my mom put a video of me on Facebook, which someone explained to me is like Tiktok, but for racism instead of dancing. I've had a ... |
dropout | Uh_Technically_Die_Hard_is_a_Christmas_Movie | I'm watching It's a Wonderful Life. It always gets me. Oh, I love Christmas movies. Oh, God. Me too. Christmas Story. Miracle on 34th Street. Elf, for God's sakes. Oh, my God. I love Elf.
Yes. Oh. Tao? Hey. What's up? What's the problem?
You guys want to know what my favorite Christmas movie is?
Love Actually.
The ... |
dropout | the_girl_with_a_birthday_month | Do you think I should try to be cool? Can we try to get like a little bit of work done today? Do you really think you could get away with that?
No. I'm begging you.
Hey guys! Just wanted to invite you to my birthday party. Birthday, birthday, birthday! Haha! Whoa! This is super long! Thank you. It's my birthday, so I... |
cracked | the_guy_who_tricked_people_into_buying_the_brooklyn_bridge | George C. Parker was a con man who repeatedly tricked people into buying the Brooklyn Bridge. Born in the mid 1800s, Parker made a storied career out of bilking tourists out of their money in New York City. Long before Times Square perfected the practice, armed with stacks of phony deeds and forged documents, he said t... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_abby_the_ex_girlfriend_snl | That movie was wild. Yeah, Paddington 3 was not what I expected. That was cocaine, Bear. Okay, see, I was so worried about Paddington. Oh, shoot, Abby, Graham is here. Abby, I mean, we can totally leave. Look, y'all, it's been three years. I can be around my ex. I'm totally cool. Hey, stranger. How are you, mama? Abby,... |
dropout | if_animals_got_e_true_hollywood_stories | I had never seen a dolphin crash that many Lamborghinis in one night. And then my producer turns to me and goes, this is the guy all our paychecks are riding on. I'm thinking, this just got real.
The movie going public knows and loves animal celebrities. But not many people realize, hey, these aren't oddly shaped huma... |
dropout | troopers_the_swamp_planet | Yeah, Mom, I'll be home in time for the annual read feast. I've already booked my shuttle back to Deloran. I love you too.
Say hi to Deloran for me. Say hi to Delora for me. Hello?
Yeah, appreciate it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're from Deloran. Uh, yeah. Yes. Oh my god.
I work with someone from the swamp planet? W... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_most_useless_magic_items_in_your_inventory | So if you're just tuning in folks, we have a tremendous collection of magical trinkets and wondrous items all at a bargain price. Now this is a bottle I found in a genie. It's a beautiful bottle. Now there very well could be a smaller genie in this bottle, however I never rubbed it to find out on account of how deep I ... |
cracked | sam_morrill_claps_back_at_heckler_who_didn_t_know_he_was_literally_in_the_joker | Here's a joke for you, what do you get when you try to trash a comedian with a more impressive IMDB page than you realize? You get what you deserve. Comedian Sam Morrill has become one of the more beloved and vocal Knicks fans on Twitter, as he sits courtside in live tweets games with his expected New York-born snark. ... |
cracked | if_honest_ad_s_table_reads_were_honest | It's, all right, we're officially live. Hello, the zero people that are watching or whatever right now.
I'm Jordan, this is Jack, better known as Roger Horton. And yeah, he's Roger by the way.
And yeah, we're just, we're planning the next round of honest ads. We tend to do them in batches. We tend to shoot a few epis... |
SaturdayNightLive | kate_mckinnon_makes_a_snl_christmas_wish | Hey, tree, what's up? haven't seen you in a while. I know you're probably fielding a lot of Christmas wishes right now, but I'd like to add one myself if that's okay. I'd really love to host Snl this week with musical guest Billy Irish. I know. I know it's a big ask, but hear me out. I've been very thoroughly cleaning ... |
dropout | the_secret_behind_every_actress_s_red_carpet_pose_with_rita_wilson_kris_jenner_khloe_kardashian | You cannot overstate the influence that Anita Tatum has had on Hollywood, and yet no one knows her name. She is a celebrity for celebrities.
I mean, I wouldn't trust anybody else. Before Anita, the industry was a dead fish. A lifeless, stinking husk. It's what the French would call shit.
People think that posing is j... |
dropout | charlie_and_the_apple_factory | The Apple Corporation has produced some of the world's most popular products, but their factory remains one of corporate America's greatest mysteries. Today, that all changes. Apple CEO Steve Jobs plays five golden tickets in random iPhone boxes, each of which grants its owner a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the magical A... |
dropout | car_designer_talk_sponsored | Brought to you by the city-friendly Toyota Prius C. Welcome to Car Designer Talk, where we ask a real car designer the questions you've always been embarrassed to ask because they're just not good questions. They're bad questions. I'm Streeter. And I own three of these. No, you don't. I don't, but I'm Pat and we're her... |
SaturdayNightLive | new_secretary_saturday_night_live | Thank you again for coming here and giving me the opportunity to pitch you some ideas for, you know, my new ad campaign. Well, as I told you, we're looking for someone to make cottage cheese sexy again. and I'm hoping you can. Well, I curd if you give me the chance. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, that was a cottage cheese jok... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | What_is_the_PERFECT_movie_pick_for_comedian_Pete_Helliar_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Well, Pete, we have come to that time where you have got your weeklies, you've got your overnight title, your new release. Yeah. I mean, I could go home satisfied. But let's put a little cherry on top of that beautiful Sunday you've got planned for the weekend. And I'll tell you, I've been racking my brain trying to th... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Grateful_Teen_Long_Weekend_Regrets_An_Honoured_Outback_Leftie_More_April_22 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin. We've had a lot going on in the world this week. Our newsroom has actually suffered a few COVID hurdles, I guess you should say, speed bumps. We've been one journalist down for ... |
cracked | presidential_election_spectacular_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a presidential Recently, I saw President Obama doing an interview for some beekeeping blog And he did it with a selfie stick plagiarism much boom luckily I've got this dedicated internet team behind me along with cracks own Brendan Carter, right? He's an actor. He's a writer He's an editor... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_171_Luke_Gosling_MP | Just myself again this week, Clancy Overall here. Errol has persisting symptoms, we don't think he has the coronavirus but this is the world we live in now, scratch and a cough, stay the hell home, stay away from the workplace so you'll see him, he's still writing from home but he is not coming to the newsroom or the s... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_152_Troy_Cassar_Daley | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooda Advocate and of course, Errol Parker, editor-at-large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, very good day here... |
TheOnion | Shady_New_Wendy_s_Deal_Offering_Five_Hamburgers_For_Free_No_Questions_Asked | A curious new promotional campaign from Wendy's is offering five free hamburgers, no questions asked from now until the foreseeable future. The popular fast food chain is reportedly allowing all customers to pick up complimentary hamburgers whenever they want, without having to buy other products or use a coupon of any... |
SaturdayNightLive | 106_park_top_10_live_with_kanye_west_snl | This is Terrence, and we're here with Kanye West. Kanye, We were talking earlier about some of the bad press you've received for your behavior at award shows. Yeah? Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and at the Vmas this year, cameras called you backstage, visibly upset that... |
dropout | ball_busting_psa_all_nighter_2014 | College Humors All Nighter! So I wore this green polo shirt to work, and Jimmy goes, Hey, you look like a skittle. Do you have any chocolate under there? And I said, hey, asshole, that's fruit. Skittles don't have chocolate. He proceeded to call me a fruit expert the rest of the day. He said, your new name is fruit sna... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Antoinette_Lattouf_Azure_Antoinette_The_Antoinettes | A bit going on in the news last week, we spoke about tech. That was a bit interesting. Tech, yeah, well that was when that new Apple thing came out with, you know, the I'm just not really a big tech guy. The stuff came out with the technology Apple thing. No they were, it's like infrared, no, it's like a heads up, bloo... |
dropout | a_disturbance_in_hr | Last time on Troopers, we are troopers. Our names are Mara, Wimbledon, and Vin. Our first trooper of the week is you.
Really? And of course, you get to guard the orb. I have to be stuck somewhere. I'm just glad it's with the two of you. And if we stick together...
Whoa! Fosty orb! Go, go, go! You simpering waffle! Yo... |
cracked | the_awful_implications_of_first_person_shooter_games_8_bits | Hey Shriner!
No!
What the fuck was that?!
Fuck me!
Oh no!
Oh shit! oh shit oh that sucks balls dude oh shit god I'm Jesus Jesus fuck me fuck me breathe all right hurt I better you just got out of you don't fucking know you don't know what it feels like just breathe just get this off of me oh Jesus we are not good ... |
TheOnion | GOP_Maintains_Solid_Hold_On_Youth_That_Already_Look_Like_Old_Men | The Republican Party has struggled with the youth vote in recent elections, but now there is some good news for conservatives. A new Gallup poll found that the GOP has an overwhelming advantage among young people who look like old men. The poll shows Republicans hold a solid lead among the coveted elderly youth demogra... |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_Putin_s_Russia | To reignite that flame of anti-Russian sentiment that has been lying dormant inside us for far too long now, we now present The Onion Explains Russia.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is widely known to use fear and intimidation to suppress dissenting voices within his country.
To maintain this strict level of order,... |
dropout | you_can_still_have_babies_after_35_adam_ruins_everything | If I want to have kids, I have to do it by the time that I turn 35. Ah, yes, 35. The age when the media tells us a woman's fertility rate supposedly plummets. You've got to get pretty serious about having kids before 35. You're getting older and you know that clock is ticking. By the time we're 35, fertility has decrea... |
TheOnion | Walgreens_Introduces_Dumbass_Only_Shopping_Hours_For_Dipshits_Who_Don_t_Know_How_To_Stay_6_Ft_Away | The coronavirus pandemic worsens today in the United Kingdom as doctors declare that Prime Minister Boris Johnson is now well enough to get back to work. We've got the latest on the long, hard road ahead for the UK. And on this side of the pond, more American retailers are doing their part to help prevent the spread of... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_marcello_hernandez_on_the_mlb_playoffs_snl | The Major League baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here To give us his thoughts is new Snl cast member Marcelo Hernandez. What's up, Marcelo? so are you a baseball fan? Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba and my dad is from the Dominican Republic, so obviously they're divorced. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | hawaii_flight_snl | Even in from the flight deck. we want to thank you again for flying with us. Should be a smooth ride. Hawaii computer has us touching down at 615 a.m. so I'm gonna ask the flight attendants did them the captain lights Let your folks get some rest? yeah, okay, that's real cute, but not he's likely gonna go ahead and sta... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_teen_who_just_woke_saturday_night_live | President Obama unveiled a $3.8 trillion budget this week, the largest federal budget in history, which would create new jobs, but would also raise the deficit to a record-breaking $1.56 trillion. Here now to analyze the budget is our new correspondent, Liam, the teenager who just woke up. how's it going, Liam? I just ... |
SaturdayNightLive | corn_syrup_commercial_saturday_night_live | The following is a message from the Corn Syrup Producers of America. Wow, you don't care what the kids eat, huh? excuse me? uh, that has high fructose corn syrup in it. And? Well, you know the things they say about high fructose corn syrup. like what? well, um. that it's made from corn, it's natural enough, and like su... |
cracked | how_to_get_away_with_watching_porn_at_work_using_history | Hey, Ronnie. Oh! Oh, jeez, Ronnie, come on! Hey, Mr. Bossman?
You can't be masturbating in here. Oh, to be fair, it's my masturbation break. First of all, it's just a break. And I'm gonna have to let you go, Ron, you get it? Fire me! For doing productive work? I sit here, and I hit my numbers, and you... He's stabby i... |
SaturdayNightLive | horny_little_dork_snl | So you and Dylan are coming up on five years, right? Yeah. Oh, he's such a sweet guy. Shannon. Yeah, um, Dylan's great. it's just that sometimes he's not himself, what do you mean?
Well, everything would be normal and then he'll like catch a glimpse of me getting out of the shower and he becomes he becomes what? horny... |
cracked | 5_dating_profile_photo_hacks_that_work_and_aren_t_worth_it_rom_com | Talk to us about profile pictures. What works? What doesn't? What makes you click? I like when a picture shows off a guy's sense of humor.
Hiking, kayaking, anything that highlights a sense of adventure. Running. But not you finishing a marathon. Get over yourself.
I like seeing a guy with a group of girls having fun... |
cracked | the_future_of_artificial_intelligence_will_be_rated_x_today_s_topic | Yeah, I'd f*** a robot. How many conversations a day start like that for you? A lot. Just seriously. It would have to be at the far end of the uncanny valley, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten over most if not all of the moral implications that come with f***ing a robot. You can't say no seriously and then spew a bunch o... |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_chicago_the_blues_brothers_bridge | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
Few movies have taken advantage of Chicago quite like the Blues Brothers, John Landis' 1980 musical ... |
cracked | why_9_11_changed_superhero_movies_forever_iron_man_the_dark_knight | Hey.
Are you excited for an upcoming superhero movie? What? Like, I can't wait for a superhero character to battle villain character in a city until everything gets destroyed just like 9-11. Oh, it's a bit. You're doing a bit. You're doing a joke about how all superhero films reference our most recent national tragedy... |
dropout | mankind_s_last_hope_people_who_are_good_at_online_quizzes | Oh cool! I can see the full range of the color blue. What?
Oh no, these aren't real. These Facebook quizzes don't mean anything.
Miss Maravich.
Yes? Our data indicates you scored a hundred on the Facebook color quiz. Is that true? Um, yes.
What's this all about? Pack your bags. You've got ten minutes. You're coming... |
dropout | every_7_seconds_tailor | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible.
Right? A new suit. What's the occasion? My aunt's getting remarried. That's exciting. Uh, yeah, I mean kind of. It's like her fifth husband, so no one's holding out too much hope.
I'm sorry to head out. How does this feel, you dirty boy... |
dropout | the_six_craziest_christmas_traditions | These are the top six craziest Christmas traditions from around the world. Number one, the Cagane. The nativity scene. Collection of great holy figures. Wise kings, angels, the virgin mother, the son of God, and a random dude taking a shit. This is the Cagane, or the shitter. And in Catalonia and the surrounding region... |
TheOnion | National_Park_Service_Under_Fire_For_Wasting_40M_To_Pamper_A_Charming_Moose_The_Topical_Ep_41 | Outraged today as leaked finance records from the National Park Service reveals a gross misusage of funds. How could the agency manage to spend over 40 million dollars all on a single moose?
From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. Stay with us. We'll spoon feed you the facts f... |
dropout | kirby_the_attorney_tournament_of_champions_pt_1 | From She-Ra to Mothra, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but they're something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Ashley. Joining us today, we have Shane Crown. Hello there. We have Jon, Gutes, Gutierrez, Kapla, and Allie Beardsley.
Put that thing back where you came from, I... |
dropout | if_you_knew_how_your_relationship_would_end_upon_first_sight | I think I'm gonna lay. Allie, are you okay? Yeah, I hit my head really hard on the way over. Like concussion hard or see into the future hard? I think see into the future hard.
Cool. Allie, this is Brian from work. What is it? The future. I love you, Brian, from Cassandra's work. Here we go. Happy anniversary, sweethe... |
dropout | the_apple_i | I have been waiting for this moment for 52 years. When I was just a fetus, floating in the warmth of my mother's womb, I had a vision. It shone to me through the darkness of the amniotic fluid. It opened my mind and illuminated my heart box. And tonight, that vision becomes a revolution that will alter reality forever.... |
dropout | full_benefits_dinner_party_season_finale | Do you know what time it is? Yeah, it's 10.30. How are you already asleep?
David? Huh?
Come on, I'm bored. Let's play a game. Fine.
How about Eye Spy? You can't play Eye Spy over the phone.
It's blue. Your sheets. You win. David? I just want to thank you guys for being here to celebrate my 37th birthday. Dance 37?
... |
dropout | friends_romans_mushroom_people_tournament_of_champions_pt_4 | From Alucard to Jean-Luc Picard, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
And here we are, the final round in our Tournament of Champions. Winners of winners, a quarter quell situation where we've brought back previous champions to play... |
SaturdayNightLive | spade_in_america_hollywood_minute_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade. good crowd. thanks for staying up. Ok, well, I got a fan letter here from Indiana, and I'd like to read it to you. it says, dear David, why are you such an idiot? every time I see you on Tv, I want to punch you in the face. sincerely, Danny Minton. P.s. why don't... |
cracked | the_crushing_economic_realities_of_luigi_s_mansion | The life of Mario's brother, Luigi, is defined by the number two. But after decades of playing second banana, Luigi finally carved out his own moment in the spotlight with the release of Luigi's Mansion in 2001. And even though the game was a cheap Ghostbusters knockoff, like the 2016 film, Ghostbusters, Luigi's skill ... |
cracked | 5_advanced_movie_sci_fi_technologies_that_secretly_suck_yboc_star_wars_trek | Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, but if you're a cop then my name is Robodoc and we are on the same team here, partner. My father tried to teach me human emotions. They are difficult. Anyway, you're watching another episode of your Brain on Crack, the show that sometimes harnesses the power of advanced futuris... |
dropout | electric_cars_aren_t_as_green_as_you_think_adam_ruins_everything | 400,000 pre-orders can't be wrong. I cannot wait. You can and should wait.
If you're selling that perfectly good car to buy a brand new Tesla, you're not doing a good deed. You're just buying a bright, shiny, ecologically problematic toy.
What just happened? Where are we?
We're in your daughter's toys. I know it's a... |
dropout | the_school_library_computer_game_collection | I'm bored. You know, they say only boring people get bored.
All your favorite educational games from the library when you were a child. Cool. I can't even type on this. You'll figure it out with games like Minesweeper, Math Blaster, Number Muncher, Museum Madness, Reader Rabbit, Gus Ghost, Cyber Town, and more! Alrigh... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_punkie_johnson_and_heidi_gardner_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges, and I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday, and a pho... |
SaturdayNightLive | read_to_achieve_lebron_james_saturday_night_live | I'm the Director. Mike Underballs. Hey, Mr. Underballs, I'm a huge fan.
Oh, that's great. call me Mike. you ready to do this? Yeah, let's go. Okay, let's try a take.
Nba, Redo Achieve. Psa, take one. and action. take time to read to a child. read to Achieve. and give it your best shot. Okay, okay, we were a little hi... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_177_Brendan_Cowell_Part_1 | Lockdown continues down south. We've got Sydney, they're going on 10 weeks now. That's a big whack. Victoria as well, despite the hardest lockdown in all of this, it's creeping out of the homes and workplaces down there quicker than it did in New South Wales. And we've just found a truck driver's been driving around Qu... |
cracked | cops_shouldn_t_have_guns_congress_shouldn_t_have_twitter_more_some_news | Hey, welcome to the news. Here is some of it.
The highly anticipated Han Solo prequel from Disney has been shaken up after directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller were let go due to a slow production and improv-heavy scenes, upsetting executive producer Lawrence Kasdan who wrote Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi... |
SaturdayNightLive | psa_snl | My name is Davis, and I'm stupid. Hi, I'm Joanne, and for as long as I can remember, I've been a stupid person. I'm stupid, and my parents are both stupid. I'm stupid, and my grandson is stupid. nearly one in five U.s. adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.
And we are not that. Believe me, they chec... |
cracked | 1_3_08_news_on_cracked_justine_the_us_mint_and_more | It's January 3, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I work hard for the money, so you better treat her right. The U.S. Mint unveiled a new line of $1 coins that featured the likenesses of James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, and George Washington. Now it's easier than ever to have a president in your ... |
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