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cracked | 4_video_games_that_took_realism_way_too_far_video_game_purgatory | Hi, my name is Lisa Summerscales, and this is Video Game Purgatory. And in honor of the fact that you're probably watching this instead of working, today's episode is...
We don't expect the average game to be realistic, because we don't want to wait for our hero to spend four months in rehab every time he takes a bull... |
TheOnion | New_Anti_Smoking_Ads_Warn_Teens_It_s_Gay_To_Smoke | A new campaign from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is already having a big impact on the way teens view smoking. Let's take a look. Or are they gay? It's a gay to smoke.
And joining us here in the studio this morning is the director of this new PSA campaign, Dr. Michael Gaines. Doctor, thanks for stopp... |
TheOnion | CDC_Warns_Public_Of_Mutating_Coronavirus_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_27 | Coronavirus has hit the U.S., and the CDC is issuing new warnings today over the severity of its threat.
It could literally be anywhere at any time, and you won't know until it's too late! Jesus fucking Christ! Hear why everything will probably be fine. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this... |
cracked | terrifying_things_nobody_tells_you_about_pregnancy_cracked_responds | Hi, I am Wanna Cheryl. I am the head of physical production here at Cracked and I Have also been pregnant and had a child and so today. Oh, yeah Great huge achievement that no one else accomplishes But today I wanted to share with my female colleagues some of the things that We just aren't told about before we get preg... |
dropout | hardly_working_average_night_out | Yes. Hey guys, what's the haps? Oh, we're just trying to figure out which one of us had the most baby bear night last night. The most, uh, what? Um, baby bear, like not too good, not too bad. Yeah, right in between. You keep your hot and cold nights, just give me that baby bear, you know? Okay, but why wouldn't you jus... |
cracked | the_city_of_south_pasadena_banned_swearing | You know that the city of South Pasadena banned swearing on one day of the week? What day? I believe Monday.
So there was a Mormon family in California. They have a son named McKay Hatch and he decides in middle school that the hill he's gonna die on is that no one should swear. So he starts the no-cussing club. Sure.... |
SaturdayNightLive | update_amy_s_goodbye_saturday_night_live | I did just want to take a moment to thank everybody. this is my last show, and it has been an amazing experience to be here. being able to do over 140 shows with my friends and my family has been a dream come true. And from the bottom of my heart, I really- it's right up. it's right up. $50 worth of circus tickets. Gov... |
ClickHole | need_a_pretzel_buddy_this_guy_has_you_covered | Hey, nice to meet you. Do you want to eat some pretzels together? What kind of pretzels you got there? Mm-hmm. Oh Yeah, yeah, I prefer the tiny twists myself, but you know, I like all types of pretzels It's nice eating pretzels with you.
So what's going on in your life? Anything new? Special? Hmm Yeah, I hear that.
D... |
TheOnion | White_House_Schedules_Key_Shoutings_With_Congressional_Leaders | The nation's psychiatrists are deeply concerned for the 5% of Americans who approve of Congress. The Nobel Prize in Chemistry is awarded to Taft Middle School teacher Mr. Ambler, and an airline pilot begins his initial descent into madness. Come closer friend and let us regale you with news stories beyond your wildest ... |
dropout | auto_correct_love_song | hey baby hey boy what's she doing nothing what you doing thinking about you boo yeah what you thinking I thinking that you're so beautiful you're making mucus with your eyes whoops music damn phone telling you lie okay anyway girl do you think I have a shit I think we all have a shit whether or not you want to admit it... |
TheOnion | Archaeologists_Uncover_Living_Guy_By_Mistake | A team of archaeologists have accidentally uncovered a living guy. The man found at a 2,000-year-old burial site in Utah has been identified as 37-year-old Greg Fantoni, who upon being unearthed immediately told the archaeologists, um, excuse me, someone's down here. Archaeologists were shocked by the discovery and apo... |
cracked | why_everyone_s_obsessed_with_pokemon_go_escort_mission | Oh, is that what you're playing now? Is this still basically a dog fighting sim? Behold. Huh? And no, it's not a dog fighting sim, it's an emotional journey. In Pokemon Go, what's combat? You just slap your hand against your phone screen until one of the creatures disappears, right?
Yeah, and I'm super good at it. You... |
SaturdayNightLive | easter_wishes_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from the Easter Bunny. it's really me, the Easter Bunny. either that or you're at Coachella, and the shrooms are kicking in. How is everyone tonight? Well, it is Easter, a.k.a. warm Halloween. And I may not be the most a-list holiday character, but I am the freakiest. A man-sized bunny with no backst... |
SaturdayNightLive | sexist_director_saturday_night_live | You sure I can't get you any breakfast, Amy? coffee, anything? no, nothing.
I think I'm just a little nervous about meeting Mr. Prescott. Oh, Frank, he's a great guy. best director I've ever worked with. I just love his movies. when I was a little girl, they showed Beloved Stranger on Tv. that really changed my life. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | speaking_freely_james_brown_snl | And now, speaking freely with your host, Edwin Newman. Hello, I'm Edwin Newman. speaking freely tonight is a man who has been referred to as the hardest working man in show Business and the Godfather of Soul. I'm speaking, of course, of James Brown. Thank you for being with us tonight, Mr. Brown.
Ha! ha! ha! look at t... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_woman_who_is_aging_gracefully_on_confidence_snl | Well guys, my prayers have been answered and the Abc has officially announced they'll be making a season of the Golden Bachelorette.
Here to provide tips on having confidence at any age is a woman who's aging gracefully. My age, God, that's my age. Oh, no thank you. Great, because I always say a woman's age is like a ... |
dropout | the_roast_of_amir_blumenfeld_part_1 | I'll get started now tonight we are gonna get to know Amir the man a lot of you know Amir the character co-star of the popular web series boring one and the annoying retard now Amir was one of the original College Humor staff members along with myself and Jeff and Sarah but he has since become easily the most famous pe... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_julie_taymor_saturday_night_live | This week, it was reported that Julie Tamer, best known for directing The Lion King, was fired from Spider-man's Turn Off The Dark. here to comment, Julie Tamer. Ooh! ah! la, la, la, la, la. la, la, la, la, La. Ooh! Ooh! that was me. Okay, that's great, but. you know, I remember you did The Lion King, but I thought we ... |
TheOnion | Shelby_Cross_Instructs_Viewers_To_Build_Justice_Shed | This is the Onion News Network, telling you what we want you to know. Everyone needs to get a justice shed. So you have a place to throw that little juvenile delinquent you caught loitering out on the street corner, or to throw those illegal immigrants you and your neighbors round up outside the hardware store. This is... |
dropout | hardly_working_federal_maaashhhals | No, that's just it. Bruce Wills had to blow up the asteroid. It would destroy Earth.
Yeah, but Ben Affleck drew the short straw, so he should've- Huh!
Stay back, partners! We are duly appointed federal marshals! Fuck me, Paul Bassett is dead of the nayrod fan of Fenway.
Go socks!
Ew, what's going on here? Sit down ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_192_Dasha_Nekrasova | Now, we'll just begin today's podcast by prefacing it with a bit of an explanation as to who this guest is. If you're sitting out there in the tractor and you aren't familiar with this woman's work, her name is Dasha Nekrasova, she is a Brooklyn, New York-based filmmaker, screenplay writer, and of course, actor. She st... |
dropout | emergency_tattoo | Oh my god, what? I have a date with the hottest guy in the world! You have a date with the hottest guy in the world? Yes, I have a date with the hottest guy in the world!
But the problem is, we fell in love and I told him I have full arm tattoos! But Lindsay, you don't have full arm tattoos! Oh no, I don't have full a... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_cybermania_94 | Welcome to Bleep Bloop. I am Jeff here with Owen and Pat.
Today we were going to play with the Sega Activator, but we couldn't get it working. So instead we are watching CyberMania 94. CyberMania 94, the ultimate gamer awards on DBS. All your favorite games in one wild interactive event.
I don't remember the 90s bein... |
dropout | Grant_Finds_True_Love | to the College Humor podcast. If you're joining us on CH2, that's great. But you can also watch us a bit earlier on our favorite way to watch podcasts, Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and subscribe so you know it's live, because we didn't cut that out.
Isn't that cool? Yeah.
Guys, thank you so much for joining us. Thank... |
dropout | hardly_working_mystery_box_with_jaleel_white | Now the point of this game is to guess what random crazy thing I put in this box Okay, and keep in mind it could be anything So use your imaginations. I can be nuts a smaller box flying smile. What's a flying smile? You said I could use my imagination and mine's colorful Okay, so everyone gets to reach inside and get o... |
cracked | if_the_internet_was_a_high_school | Squirrel plays piano, Falcon swimming with giraffe, vlogger's opinion on issues, Frank kills Idiot, Snapchat shows wiener to OKCupid, and kittens play cutely. Thank you, YouTube. What a random series of compelling images. Okay, can anyone think of a way to relate that to today's lesson, finding loopholes in privacy and... |
cracked | the_dark_side_of_fantasy_football | You're confused. I didn't realize you were here. That's not your desk.
You're tired. You should sleep.
No. No, I can't let you do this. I can't let you win. My dear boy, you've already lost. I beat you. He's not about me anymore. I'm dead.
I get that. This is about saving the League. Adorable. You think there's stil... |
dropout | hardly_working_woody_allen | So, uh, Grace, um, Amir says you're in school. Yeah, I mean, she's majoring in arts and minoring in crafts. It's incredible. She's a better painter than Hitler was. Nysa, too, I hope.
I hate school. You hate school?
I mean, how can you say that? You take a nap at school and get a sticker, right? Take a nap at my job ... |
dropout | the_nightmare_before_st_patrick_s_day | What's this? Amber liquid everywhere. What's this? Everybody's acting weird. What's this? I say no holiday, just lots of drink and give me some. This isn't fair or gross. What's this? Everyone is dressed in green. What's this? Conversations most obscene. What's this?
The streets align with chubby frat boys puking at b... |
cracked | why_the_most_overused_joke_in_movies_needs_to_be_retired | Mmm, oh, oh boy.
Hey, hey, no, get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is not, we're not doing that.
This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. Just wait outside. Hey, hey, literal assholes in comedy movies. Are you listening?
Stop pooping at me, okay? It's not funny anymore. It was moderately funny... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_235_Hau_Latukefu | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here in the Diamantina Shire not long till Christmas, Christmas parties are starting, spring carnivals you know off and away that's the start of all t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Alan_Jones_s_Retirement_The_Budget_An_NRL_Anti_Vax_Update_Weekly_News_Bulletin_15_05_20 | Gettin' used to all this, and the pubs'll be open soon, it sounds. What's in the news this week, as we embrace the excitement of our country reopening? Well, to start off with, Alan Jones has announced his resignation as leader of the Liberal Party this week. Yes, it's one of our biggest stories this week. The Parrot o... |
dropout | Ultramechatron_Team_Go_Bloopers | Oh damn, this hot potato is fully loaded. Hahahaha Looks like I'm the me to save the day. Derp derp derp. I can make decisions too. Throw the booroo. Brrrrrr. Bow bow bow bow bow.
We all saw you getting your fucking fucking banging your boner against the bottom of your desk when hot potato came strolling through here.... |
cracked | yeah_that_curb_your_enthusiasm_plotline_that_got_larry_a_letter_from_the_ga_sec_of_state | Now if you missed it, in the first episode of the final season of Curb, Larry gets arrested for violating the state's election laws when he gives a water bottle to Leon's and when she's waiting in line to vote. The episode had a lot of people googling, is this an actual law? And yeah, it is. In 2021, Georgia passed SB ... |
TheOnion | Lance_Armstrong_Admits_Drug_Use_Plans_Return_To_Cycling_As_Flamboyant_Fan_Hating_Villain | In his heavily anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey, Lance Armstrong has confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs and announced his return to the Tour de France as outrageous, fan-taunting villain Kill Strong. Kill Strong told Oprah, I was once cycling's golden boy, but now that the world rejected me, I will ... |
SaturdayNightLive | zac_efron_monologue_thanks_to_the_tweens_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Efron! Man, it's great to be here. for those of you who don't know me, my name is Zach Efron. for those of you who do know me, thanks for staying up so late. tonight is very important to me because I get to reach out to a whole new audience. But first, if you don't mind, I'd like to say somet... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_draymond_green_on_his_nba_suspension_snl | This week, the Nba suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green five games for putting another player in a choke hold. here to comment is Draymond Green.
I can't wait to do it again.
So why are you so angry? I mean, you choke Rudy Gobert for no reason. I had a reason, all right? Rudy Gobert is a tall French... |
dropout | troopers_gun_privileges | They gave us our gun back!
Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see. Rich, I can...
No!
You're the reason they took it away in the first place. Huh. Sound like me. So we'll be returning your station's firearm on a probationary basis.
Oh my god! Rich! We got our gun back! Yeah, I'm gonna live for..... |
dropout | mick_foley_mystery | Oh my god, Pat, what happened? Somebody hit me with a metal chair while I was using the bathroom. I didn't even get a good look at his face. And the worst part is, they did it before I peed, so I still have to go actually. Wait, wait, wait, Pat. You don't think it could have been...
McFolley. Why would it be McFolley?... |
dropout | The_Game_Show_of_Nerdy_Corrections_Mario_Stranger_Things_Stephen_King | from Starfire to Firestarter. Nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people.
This is Um, Actually. And joining us on this episode, we have Jordan Doll. Hello.
We have Nick Marini. Yo, yo, yo.
And we have Liam Sr. Hello, lo, lo. Hello, lo, lo to all of you. T... |
dropout | bad_dads_episode_3_with_michael_cera | So Romeo and Juliet is like lovers. They're not friends, they're lovers.
You know what I mean? Yeah, but what is it all about really? Love. It is? Because then in the end they die though, right? Isn't it?
Alright guys, time to strap on the feed bags. Assuming that Mac and Cheese is okay with Cory's girlfriend. She's ... |
cracked | why_jackie_chan_should_ve_played_the_flash_cinemistakes | What's up you guys this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of the show's Cinema Stakes. The show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we cut their freaking heads off and burn to the ground and we skewer them hard as hell.
Today we are taking The Flash 2023's movie The Flash. It's getting burned on the sk... |
dropout | new_year_s_fingering | He's technically still a missing person, but I don't know what to do with him.
Okay. What's up, man? Got your champagne flew? No, not yet. Boom. Got your cupboard. Oh, nice. Thanks a lot.
Almost midnight. I know, right? Paul's about to drop? About to sing all the Langs on. Yeah, everyone's scanning around the room, t... |
CrackerMilk | the_crackermilk_tv_show_pilot | Trick-or-treat! Ho ho ho ho ho!
Oh little boy, I see you've found Santa's secret hideout. Oh, I'm afraid Santa's been so very busy with Christmas coming up that I haven't got any candy at all. I do have a gift for you though, the gift of honesty.
Santa's not real. He doesn't exist. Everyone, including your parents, h... |
SaturdayNightLive | an_even_tempered_apology_from_rahm_emanuel_snl | And now an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Good evening.
Last week, the Wall Street Journal reported that I used a regrettable term to describe fellow Democrats in a strategy meeting. the word I used was a derogatory term for people with intellectual disabilities. And while I have a... |
TheOnion | Pentagon_Awards_Oscar_Mayer_102M_For_Military_Grade_Hot_Dog_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_23 | 🎵 Pentagon officials are under fire and watchdog groups are up in arms after Oscar Mayer is awarded a multi-million dollar contract for a new military-grade hot dog. Will Congress take action? And later, the scientific streaming wars heat up after chemists announce an upgraded periodic table featuring dozens of new el... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Paul_Kelly_live_with_the_Betoota_Advocate | Now, if you listen to our podcast, you'd be familiar with the format. We interview a broad range of guests from around Australia and sometimes around the world. But this week, we've been presented with an opportunity to interview a prolific Australian singer-songwriter.
And it was an opportunity so rare that we really... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Dutton_Says_If_Indigenous_Want_A_Voice_To_Parliament_They_Can_Pay_Millions_To_Lobbyists_Pauline_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin. I hope you're enjoying yourselves and I hope you're having a happy Easter. My name's Clancy Overall. I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey. How are you both? Yeah, good mate. Just getti... |
cracked | the_most_awkward_dying_request_ever_cracked_classic | Reginald, you've saved me. Of course. What are older brothers for? Your wound. Is it fatal? I'm afraid so, yes. Is there not something I can do to comfort you? Just one thing. My son. I do not want him to grow old without a father. Will? Yes, of course. I will take care of Charles as if you were my own. Good. That does... |
dropout | Never_Wait_Longer_Than_15_Minutes_For_Anything | We came as fast as we could. What? She's not here. So, now what do we do? I guess we just wait? I say if she's not here in 15 minutes, then we just go. No, shut up, Brody. What?
That's the rule. No, it's not the rule. Yes, it absolutely is the rule. Okay, that doesn't apply here.
Yes, everyone says, look, it's the 15... |
dropout | bond_with_strangers_by_mocking_your_friends | I'm not saying you should eat it, but I think lava looks delicious. Hey guys, this is Rachel, the girl I've been dating. This is Zach and Siobhan. Hi. We've got to come in and sell the rubricates here, so we're going to, uh, we're going to chill. Cool.
Grant, how's that apple? Fine. Taking that shiny red apple to scho... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_man_trapped_in_plane_bathroom_elton_john_earns_an_egot_snl | A new report finds that the average 50-year-old in America is worth over $1 million, while the average 30-year-old is worth more Dead Than Alive. Elton John won an Emmy for his farewell concert special, earning him a coveted Egot, which is an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. a new startup company is developing a m... |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_is_batman_weirdly_pro_billionaire | Tony, would you hurry up? What's the matter, Donny? This game of the Batman?
No, I need the money tonight if I'm gonna book the ballroom at the airport Marriott for my niece's bat mitzvah. It's the only place with a wheelchair accessible stage, and I really wanted to feel special on a big day.
Huh. That's actually...... |
Wizards_with_Guns | amish_people_in_space | By order of the Squinty Stabbas! Squinty Stabbas, only on the Big British Channel!
And now, back to space Amish! Captain, something's amiss! What do you mean Joseph? We're all amiss! We're losing horsepower sir!
How much? One! What?
That's it! I'm going out there! Someone get my Levi's! We're right here sir! Perfect... |
SaturdayNightLive | loud_table_snl | Okay, table for two, right here. Thanks. Enjoy. Honey, this place is nice. yeah, I'm glad we're doing this, you know? it's been too long since we've had a date night. that's crazy.
No, I swear, this chick, total 10, pops out a full set of dentures. Oh, gnarly.
Whoa! these guys are so loud. you want me to go say somet... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_resident_boyfriend_michael_longfellow_on_weaponized_incompetence_snl | This week, the term weaponized incompetence was trending on Tiktok. as some women were calling out their male partners for doing simple tasks badly on purpose, so they never have to do them again, here to comment is our resident boyfriend, Michael Longfellow. Che, always good to be with you, my friend. Michael, how you... |
cracked | how_neighborhood_apps_make_us_worse_neighbors_nextdoor_ring_citizen_cracked_explains | your phone found a missing 103 year old chess fan. It's raining cats in the suburbs and neighborhood apps like Ring, Next Door, and Citizen are making us into better neighbors. Hi, I'm Greg. The old man had been lost in Manhattan. These two lucky cats cashed in two of their 18 lives and unfortunately connected local ap... |
dropout | bad_dads_episode_5_with_michael_cera | Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. All right, all right everybody, come on, brought some party favors, there we go, all right Cory, what do you say? Thanks dad. Come on, happy birthday, I'm proud of you, let's do this, let's fly. It's cool, you win, you win.
But... |
TheOnion | Ashton_Kutcher_Caught_Canoodling_With_Ancient_Disc_Made_Of_Pure_Evil | Sit back, relax, and let the star fix course through your veins. Well, just weeks after the announcement of his impending divorce, Ashton Kutcher is making tabloid headlines again. Last night, the Two and a Half Men star was photographed hanging out in a nightclub with a mysterious black disc rumored to be made of pure... |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Lunatics_Lament_Rising_Cost_Of_Car_Meat | Already struggling to get by on the basic necessities of day-to-day life, lunatics across the nation confirmed today that they are now barely able to afford the quickly rising price of car meat. I've got 14 Barbra Streisands to feed and three more on the way. Day and night, they shout, we're hungry, Admiral. We want Gr... |
cracked | snl_stars_lorne_michaels_found_on_the_internet | Here are five SNL success stories that began on the interwebs, like Andy Samberg, who may have been the first SNL comic discovered on the internet. When Samberg auditioned, he says in SNL Oral History Live from New York, the SNL powers that be asked. So what's the deal with these guys? And they were like, they're a gro... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_big_baby_makes_the_sale_snl | Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winthrop Tire calendar is simply an understatement. I mean, that's like saying the astronauts were just excited to land on the moon. we are really excited about this. Well, that's great. we're very excited also.
Yes, and I think I speak for Rob when I say this. she does ... |
CrackerMilk | elon_musk_tries_to_do_comedy | All right, hey, why does your mouth go like that when you do that? It's got like what? I hate that. These people are paying us to make this for them. And you look like a meme format from 10 years ago.
Don't stop that.
Mel Gibson has secretly been building a base on Mars. Elon Musk has hired you to take the bastard ou... |
dropout | guy_who_s_too_cheap_to_pay_an_assassin | Consider it done. I'll give you the routing number so you can transfer the funds. It'll be encrypted so no one can trace it, so I'm good. Yeah, about that. I realize we never talked about budget. $15,000 a head. Yeah, I can't... I can't pay you that much money.
What? This is like a small personal thing. I was kind of ... |
cracked | the_inconvenient_truth_about_game_of_thrones | Game of Thrones, one of the most epic high fantasy book and television series of our time. There's giants and swords and Kit Harington and dragons and Kit Harington. Most high fantasy stories have a deeper meaning behind the magic, whether it's an interpretation of the Bible or another interpretation of the Bible. Why ... |
cracked | swaim_rap | Got it. Yeah! Ooh!
A shadow swept across the face of the earth. Everywhere people wept in the same whispers were heard.
Is it a bird, a plane, or worse? Obscuring the sun like Simone's curse? That's just MS Word. Driving Lady's berserk.
Proceeded as it were by a penis of absurd girth. I got two planets attached to t... |
cracked | what_you_d_actually_do_with_a_real_mech_suit | You know who's got a really good uh, you know, I think I have a comprehensive list around here some wheels The modern Beatles because they're half dead Beatles Beatles insects. Oh All right, I'll bite Why are beetles the exoskeleton? Obviously, it's like being born a giant mech suit. You know this think you jump higher... |
dropout | this_cowboy_makes_your_comments_into_country_songs_live | Howdy there, I'm Reno, Nevada this Hey, yo, I'm yee-haw Anyway, welcome to this cowboy makes your comments into country songs brought to you by YouTube mobile live This is all being shot on a cellular phone Just like you probably own unless for some reason you are too young to own a phone or have been in some sort of t... |
cracked | the_super_bowl_cracked_com_s_take_news_for_2_4_08 | It's Monday, February 4th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I am totally fucking Matt Damon. Congratulations to the New England Patriots. I understand that Eli Manning's dick is especially delicious. Sunday night, the Patriots definitively proved that cheaters never win 19 consecutive times.... |
TheOnion | NFL_Players_Mentor_Troubled_Detroit_Lions | Earlier today, the Detroit Lions were paid a special visit by some NFL players as part of the league's mentoring program. Our own Reggie Greengrass was there to witness the heartwarming scene. Reggie, I bet the Lions had the time of their lives. They certainly did, Mark. The look on the Lions' faces when their favorite... |
dropout | collegehumor_goes_hollywood | Okay, my turn. I really thought I was gonna win. Oh, Sam's calling me.
Hey, Hollywood. How are your big LA meetings?
Eh, they're not until later. I just woke up. What? It's noon, you lazy twat. Actually, it's 9 a.m. here. I'm on Pacific time. Oh, bullshit. Oceans don't control time. Seriously, it's a different time z... |
SaturdayNightLive | show_and_tell_saturday_night_live | Hotel accommodations for most guests of Saturday Night Live, furnished by Paramount.
You show me, and I'll show you. Dr. Elders will show us too, cause you're never too young, and you're never too small to know the difference between a penis and a ball. Yeah! Show and tell with Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders. Com... |
dropout | doctor_web_md | Hi, I'm Dr. WebMD. Can I have your name, please? Jake. And your email and zip code. They're optional. Great! So what brings you in here today? Well, you're free. Too embarrassed to see a real doctor? You got me.
What is it, Doc? You have cancer. How could you possibly know that? Oh, I tell everyone they have cancer. W... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_shrimp_tower_snl | And. action. Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp. as I like to call them, the Sinking Man's mozzarella Sticks. This piece was originally written by Pdd, Sarah, and Dambola. it started as you and Josh Walting, he throws you through a window. And then Sarah had this idea for shrimp Tower. I came up with the shrimp tow... |
dropout | don_t_look_at_the_comments | God damn it, my M key is broken again. Hey, can I help you?
Ugh, this girl. She doesn't open her lips when she speaks.
It's weird. Have you tried on your computer on and off? Oh, God. I know, right? It's a... Wait, what? Where are you?
No, look at the comments section. The comments are already rubbish. There's five ... |
TheOnion | Year_In_Review_2012 | In November, the hard-fought 2012 presidential campaign ended as a holy and utterly defeated man emerged victorious. The shell of a man who won 332 electoral votes but completely lost faith in himself and the American people carried the crucial swing states of Ohio and Virginia while forfeiting the remaining shred of e... |
SaturdayNightLive | teeny_tiny_statement_pin_snl | It's fashion season with red carpets going viral and the Met Gala right around the corner. Everyone is serving looks and this year the fashion statement isn't just the clothes. All my favorite artists are wearing pins that support causes.
I want people to know that I care too, but I'm nervous about what to say. With s... |
dropout | zac_bought_a_whip | So remember, Igneous Rock forms when magma...
Cool. Okay, do you get it? Oh. That's it for my rock talk, guys. Let me just turn the TV off. Oh, wait. Allow me. Whoa. Look at that. Zach, is that a new whip? Yeah, and this is the real deal, guys. Gotta ship overnight from Dallas, and I gotta tell you, guys, life's gonna... |
dropout | 5_tips_for_people_who_don_t_understand_cars | Hey guys, Grant here. I'm not a car guy, but I still have to get around town. Are you intimidated by having a big, expensive, dangerous thing you don't know how to use? Are you embarrassed by how long it takes you to find the little button that pops your hood?
Don't be. Here are five car tips for non-car people. Now t... |
cracked | why_kanye_west_is_the_most_important_philosopher_of_our_time | I am a black American male from Chicago who had my rehearsal dinner at Versailles and then got married in Florence with a view of the entire city. What I just said is true of someone else. Hi, I'm a dork from the Chicago suburbs and the guy I quoted who's from the actual Tri-Rack drill in Illinois is Kanye West. You pr... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_137_Tyson_Pedro_Tai_Tuivasa | Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show. I'm just giving you a little bit of a pre-record before this week's interview I feel like I do this every time we have this guest on this week BAM BAM Tui Vassa, Ty Tui Vassa UFC heavyweight former Sydney Rooster's prodigy turned cage fighter is back on the podcast and Y... |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_7 | Last time, On Street Fighter the Later Years. Oh my god! Okay. You're right. Careful with those lights. Jiminy crickets dick.
Is there anything more worthless than a film student? Where's Zangief? No!
Five years in this dungeon, eating rats, drinking nothing but sewage and eating rats to survive. Did I mention I had ... |
cracked | nba_finals_reax_new_guy_weekly | He's the editor-in-chief of Cracked and the resident NBA expert. It's Jack And we're here for some NBA reacts. Oh, come on. You know so much about basketball. Just a lot of reacts Just a lot of quick hot takes about it NBA reacts number one, Jack. Who won the NBA Finals this year? So we're going in-depth the Golden Sta... |
cracked | four_reasons_spider_man_is_secretly_bad_at_his_job_after_hours | It's really okay. I mean, it's but you know, whatever though. Okay, we'll just It's what we do Right.
So Jesus. All right, just skip it forget why why is Daniel a fan of spider-man? We can just talk about our lives we can just chat, you know like friends do So Michael how was your weekend? I stole cable All of our ido... |
SaturdayNightLive | impeachment_hearings_cold_open_saturday_night_live | You're watching C-span. we now resume live coverage of the House Judiciary Hearings on impeachment. Once again, I want to thank you and all of the brave witnesses who have come forth today to enlighten us with their expertise on the very serious crime of perjury. we have just a few more questions for you, Senator D'ama... |
cracked | a_quick_look_at_the_pros_and_cons_of_trump_s_cabinet_picks | I support accountability, I support accountability, I support accountability. Do you not want to answer my question? I support accountability. Okay, let me ask you this.
Vladimir Putin and his cronies are responsible for ordering the murder of countless dissidents, journalists, and political opponents. Well, people wh... |
TheOnion | Find_The_Sweet_Apricots_You_Buried_So_Long_Ago_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey everyone, today's question comes from Twitter follower at Fatehore who tweeted at me. At troublehacker, how can I find those sweet apricots I buried so long ago? Okay cool, at Fatehore, first of all, this is a very common problem, especially for our older viewers who have finally reached the age where they wish to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | larry_smith_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Biography, I'm Jack Perkins. if you turn on a radio nowadays, chances are you'll hear a song that was either written, produced or performed by a remarkable young man named Sean Poofycoals. Poofdaddy, as he's called, came out of nowhere to become a successful recording artist and a music industry mogul with a... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Future_News_From_The_Year_2137 | A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know wh... |
cracked | game_of_thrones_the_board_game | I want to be the plucky noble girl. Oh, she had to flee the game and disguise herself as a boy or get taken hostage by the Lannisters, remember? Right. You can be the incestuous queen, the morally ambiguous dwarf, or the noble lady who still breastfeeds her ten-year-old son. I will just be the thimble, if that's cool w... |
TheOnion | CDC_Says_Kids_Will_Be_Last_To_Get_Vaccine_Because_What_Are_Those_Little_Twerps_Going_To_Do_About_It | Pharmaceutical companies are entering the final stages of development in the race for a COVID-19 vaccine, but we're not quite out of the woods yet. Hear why experts are saying that in order for you to get the vaccine, they'll have to load a diluted version of the virus into a needle, and then they stick that needle int... |
cracked | the_awful_secret_implied_by_the_dark_knight_trilogy_today_s_topic | I mean, not showing up the dark night rises tonight? Dude, it's been out for days. Yeah, I want to see it an eighth time.
I think I'm finally catching on to this subtle layer of metaphor and the part where he breaks the dude's face. No, the other part where he breaks the dude's face. Yeah, no, dude, I'm not really as ... |
dropout | level_48_2_days_5_games_skype_on_xbox_one | Xbox the answer hello Jake Wow buddy I don't even want to know what's going on right now this is my friend will a chakra I said I didn't want to know just let me finish this game okay then we can play whatever you want Xbox snap Skype he's helping me become one with the Xbox one and once he's done I will become a laser... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_adam_sandler_on_hanukkah_snl | Tonight is the 7th night of Hanukkah, and here to sing a Hanukkah song is Adam Sandler. that was cute. thank you. thank you, thank you. Thanks, thanks very much. Well, when I was a kid, this time of year always made me feel a little left out because in school there were so many Christmas songs, and all us Jewish kids h... |
cracked | the_7_most_clearly_drug_fueled_celebrity_appearances_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and I've always sort of admired the packed Harrison Ford and Morgan Freeman apparently made to Ignore, what's cool about them in movies by wearing an earring in real life But I could never get a... |
cracked | terminator_2_great_movie_terrible_sequel_today_s_topic | No. Bullshit. Except I'm totally right.
Empire is not the best sci-fi sequel ever because it's not even sci-fi. It's fantasy in space. What's yours? Aliens?
Mine is T2. Terminator 2. You're really old. The villain in Terminator 2 is a liquid metal cop with knife hands. T2 is disqualified.
It doesn't respect the rule... |
dropout | you_re_not_purging_you_re_just_being_a_dick_ch_does_the_purge | Ok, well that should keep those maniax out. Shrap, I feel like a machete is a little much. Cynthia, I'm a master of edged weapons.
God damn it, Shivelin. God, Graham, what are you doing? Whatever I want. And today no one can stop me. Shivellllllllllllllllllllllll. I'M GONNA EAT YOUR LUNCH! What?
Purge, baby! This is ... |
dropout | april_fools_part_2_j_a_archives | I yelled at your aunt.
It's 6.15. It's 12.35 New York time. It's 9.15 New York time.
Whatever. Not whatever.
What are you doing? You're on vacation.
While we're out here I ain't shaving, I ain't showering, I ain't sure as hell ain't brushing. I might not even take shit. Get the fuck away from that water thing, I'm ... |
TheOnion | Black_Conservatives_Support_Candidate_Whose_Religion_Believes_Black_People_Bear_Mark_Of_Cain | Miranda July has called before Congress to explain exactly what her whole thing is. A poll finds that Americans would be open to a third type of screwdriver head, and a new social media startup claims to be a cross between Facebook and Facebook. Dressed like that, you're practically begging for the week's news to be su... |
dropout | hardly_working_wadan | Hey, Dan, there's a guy on his way up from the lobby. He says he's your cousin, okay? Wait, what did he say? He was my cousin or my evil doppelganger from another dimension. I don't know what ever lay off me My god David the person you let in is wah Dan Like Wario Waluigi do you understand Dan? He's a nice guy to show ... |
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