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dropout | furry_force_part_2_furry_superheroes_get_even_grosser | Now back to Furry Force on Fox Kids! Furry Force, the president has been kidnapped by Victor Vivisector! You can count on us, General! FURSONA TRANSFURMATION!
It's government business, I swear! Now, Mr. President, you'll sign this executive order turning every national forest into a beautiful parking lot! What is it w... |
SaturdayNightLive | sandwich_king_snl | Oh, my God, that was the longest meeting in history. four hours. we've had a break. ridiculous. I hate to say it, but I'm hating this job today. I know. can we all just go home? uh-oh. sounds like some dudes have the midday blues.
Who wants a sob from Tommy Bling, the Sandwich King? Yum, yum. come and get it.
Oh, tha... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Debut_Smug_Robot_That_Can_Run_Half_Marathon_Brag_About_It | His name is ASIMO. Honda has unveiled its new human-like robot that the team says is designed to run a non-competitive half marathon and then smugly brag about it afterwards. Project leader Kenji Saito calls the robot very aggravating, adding, quote, We knew how to create a robot that could run great distances at high ... |
dropout | the_special_effects_of_wanderlust_with_ken_marino_and_david_wain | One or Less was probably the greatest challenge of my directing career. We wanted to push the envelope when it came to special effects, show you things you've never seen before. Nowhere was this more apparent than how seamlessly we integrated Joe Lattrullio's performance as Paul Rudd. We used cutting edge technology to... |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_4_the_difference_between_humans_and_machines | Silverton Elementary School! Hi! Make some noise for yourselves! Whoo-hoo!
You are probably wondering about these little guys. Or, maybe not. I have no idea what registers with you, your developing brains.
These are tools specifically designed for this shuttle. And I thought it would be cool today if I took you throu... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_hulk_s_disappointing_transformation_snl | The Avengers shattered box office records last week and kicking off the summer movie season with a bang. here to comment is one of the Avengers himself, Dr. Bruce Banner. Thank you for having me. Now, for those of you who don't know, Bruce is also the Incredible Hulk.
Okay. you see, you promised me that I could come o... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_PM_passes_the_buck_on_Assaults_Josh_Intimidates_Facebook_More_Booing_in_ | We hope you enjoyed your weekend. Errol's not with us today.
He's out in the cabin that he's built at the back of his nephew's place. His nephew's got a few acres out there north of Batutah and he's working on, I guess, not exactly being a prepper but he's trying to be a bit more self-sufficient and yeah, it's all par... |
TheOnion | 100_iPhones_Found_In_Lake_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Alright Virgil, what are we looking at here? I have no idea. Okay, well on cursory inspection I would say this is an iPhone. Excuse me? An iPhone is a very popular type of cell phone that people often drop in lakes. I don't understand at all.
And as a result we see a lot of them dredged up for appraisal. Well I've got... |
dropout | that_special_someone_you_ll_f_ck_this_holiday_season | I'm nervous. Oh don't be ridiculous. They're gonna love you. Take it! And is this who I think it is?
Yeah, this is the guy from high school that I'll be fucking while we're both home for the holidays. Your holiday's stuffing. Bobby, hi. I'm gonna fuck him twice this week and then a couple of times next Christmas. We h... |
cracked | when_i_was_15_i_jumped_off_a_building_with_an_umbrella_ft_dan_licata | When I was 15, I jumped off a 25 foot building with an umbrella and shattered both of my legs while my friend videotaped it and had to be rushed to surgery. Oh, they needed surgery for that. Yeah, they had to. They were shattering both of your legs. Yeah.
How did that feel? No, it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my... |
dropout | kim_jong_un_vs_kim_jong_il | It is late sir, do you require a sleeping cake? Kim Jong-Un, my son. It is true, I was dead. But then robot stuff happened and now here I am. I, your father, have returned. Ah, weak and emotional as always, disgusting. Now show me my kingdom. It's worse than I expected. You have completed none of my plans.
Great Satan... |
SaturdayNightLive | cheri_oteri_saturday_night_live | A great honor. Now, with an editorial comment is our own Sheri Oteri.
Kyle, last week, the insanely beautiful Miss Catherine Zeta-jones announced her engagement to actor-director Michael Douglas, who was 26 years her senior. Okay, now, a lot of people are grossed out by this May-december romance, but I say it differen... |
cracked | if_characters_knew_they_were_in_a_90s_kids_movie | This will be our fourth straight undefeated year. That's a record, right? I can't wait to- They don't count those chickens yet, boys.
We still have to win this game. We need to focus. Just because this team doesn't have the winningest record doesn't mean we- Oh, no! What, Coach? We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose bad.... |
dropout | playing_diablo_summons_the_devil | From orcs to snorks, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Unactualy.
Joining us today, we have Shane Brown. Hello there. Jordan Doll. Hi. And Ify Waddiway.
What's good everybody? The game is very simple.
I have here a stack of ... |
dropout | mount_everest_has_been_completely_trashed_by_tourism_adam_ruins_everything | So, you said your name's Burch? Is that a nickname, or?
Pull me up!
Of course. Sorry. Yeah! Thank you.
Now, if you will excuse me, I will be continuing my Everest Summit solo. I came up here to get away from people. Hate to break it to you, but Everest is actually way too full of people. And this avalanche of touris... |
cracked | 5_ways_wallace_and_gromit_is_secretly_about_imperialism | Wallace and Gromit is the charming tale of an idly rich British man, living in the upstairs part of his country estate while the underclass downstairs does all the work for him, freeing that man to spend money on nonsense and obsess over his next meal. What's wrong with Wensleydale? I know, I know, describing Wallace a... |
cracked | why_everything_you_know_about_vikings_is_a_lie_hilarious_helmet_history | Culturally, Vikings are an entire culture of big hairy berserk guys with horned helmets who pillage medieval Europe 24-7. A nation of sea barbarians, which is ridiculous. Vikings were so much more than warriors. Vikings didn't wear horned helmets, and I'm air-quoting like this because Vikings isn't even the term for wh... |
TheOnion | America_s_Waitresses_Are_They_Hitting_On_You | This is the Onion News Network telling you what we want you to know Every day millions of Americans eat out at restaurants where seemingly nice waitresses charm and enchant them with their warm smiles and playful small talk But are these waitresses truly nice or are they using their feminine wiles to manipulate you the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_254_Jennifer_Robinson | When's autumn start? Or has winter started? No, autumn has started. Or as we say in Queensland, fall. Yeah, because that's actually, you know, the start of the putty season where everyone's fallen down drunk.
And you know, we've actually had a good run on the Batooter Advocate radio show, podcast, whatever you want to... |
SaturdayNightLive | canceling_a_flight_snl | You are next in the queue to speak to a Southwest Airlines representative. Finally! please state your name. Reginald Keene. thank you. Connecting you now. Hi, this is Zach Cray with Southwest. am I speaking with. Vaginald Kreme? it's Reginald Keene. of course, Mr. Kreme.
And let me be the first to apologize for losing... |
TheOnion | Hollywood_s_Biggest_Stars_Rally_To_Save_Their_Children | Hollywood's biggest stars are rallying for a good cause this week with the Save Our Children campaign. Celebs like Jessica Simpson, Brad Pitt, and Gwyneth Paltrow headlined a charity event to help their suffering kids who desperately need a chance to live a normal life. Angelina Jolie talked to Starfix about the charit... |
cracked | the_only_film_genre_that_gets_you_to_root_for_the_bad_guy_after_hours | Well, I've been having a terrible week. My landlord keeps yelling at me to wear slippers, because he says I stomp like a loud and sad person. My dog's been very distant lately.
And this morning, a woman passed me on the street, looked me right in the eye, and did the sign of the cross. Do I have Satan on my face? Of c... |
cracked | how_to_pull_off_the_fantasy_trade_of_the_season | Go ahead Make fun of me Do you jokes make you look fancy jokes belittle me make me feel small. He already seems so miserable.
It's probably worth it I lost my dragons Soarin, I don't my best guys my best dragon guys are gone gone Like the NFL cut them cuz I'm gonna be honest with you I was very scared that your entire... |
dropout | why_it_sucks_when_your_friend_becomes_successful | Anyway, she said it was a appendicitis. Cynthia, I don't think that's a real doctor.
Hey.
My buddy Julian's coming by for lunch. Oh, I don't think I know Julian. He's a good guy. And it's great because he's the last one of my friends who isn't wildly more successful than me.
O'Brien! Ah, please stand for the Nationa... |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy_part_3 | Next! Come on!
What up, Google? Electric outlets look surprised, why? Because... Millipiece ten times faster than centerpiece? Baby powder made out of babies? You know that it's not. Well, hello there, young man. Big booty Puerto Rican goddess. Taxes have to pay, why?
What is YOLO? Is that your kid's phone? Is YOLO a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Albo_Enjoys_a_Sambo_Greens_Staff_Told_To_Keep_Their_Euro_Summers_The_F_ck_Off_Instagram_RBA_B_ | My sister's got her fourth baby shower which I think is a bit of a scam because I think after the first one you should have enough shit for the rest of them don't you reckon? Yeah, well back in the day we used to have hand-me-downs for kids but nowadays you know. Are you going to get anti-socially drunk like you did at... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ukraine_wins_eurovision_7_000_nyc_rat_sightings_reported_snl | Well guys, this is just in. The winner of this year's Eurovision Song contest is Kalush Orchestra. A group from Ukraine and this is cool. if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra you get post malone. It was announced that a new disco theme roller skating rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classi... |
SaturdayNightLive | blood_oath_snl | You're watching History Channel. at 10, it's bathing a beast, Hitler's hygiene. But first, it's ancient empires. Europe, 500 B.c. two tribes and a century-long feud and forge an alliance to protect their lands from invasion. for years, the Wundi and the Thracian tribes have been at war. But now, we must put aside our d... |
dropout | animal_gangsters_morning_drawfee | Welcome to Morning Drawfee. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. And this is the show, of course, where we take your dumb suggestions and make them into even dumber drawings.
Of course. Today, we're drawing animal gangsters, thanks to Carter W. Thank you for that wonderful suggestion. And thanks for having an easy to pronounce n... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_seth_herzog | Please welcome Mr. Semperza! You guys all live in town, right? Everyone's in New Yorkers. Some people are really excited about it. I gotta keep your eyes open. New York is amazing because there's so much going on in the streets.
And it's just, it's its own show. About maybe two months ago, I'm walking down on 14th and... |
dropout | vladimir_putin_s_local_olympics_commercial | You're next McBlae, Russia's a boy's job. It is Vladimir Putin. Hi, Russia is strong backbone of crippled world.
But for two week only, we have... ...Olympic fever! Fever!
Come one, come some to Sochi Olympic extravaganza. That's over not previous years ever! We have some of best olympic sport, including speed skatin... |
dropout | public_bathrooms | Greetings travelers, welcome to Tales from the Closet. This is a show where we discuss coming out in whatever that means to you. There are a lot of closets.
Thank you for joining us. If you are currently in a closet, we're here to keep you company and talk about weird things that have happened to us and where we're at... |
cracked | how_the_defense_industry_lit_a_trillion_dollars_on_fire_cracked_explains | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt and United States defense spending is like the Hulk a heroic force constantly rampaging out of control Defense spending is important. It's also emotional so emotional It bombards our politicians like gamma rays turning those Ivy League friendliness bots into rage monsters turning their brains off a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_53_dan_sultan | It was actually quite nice of him to make the trip up here. He's got a lot on, he hasn't stopped recording albums for about 10 years. He is on the go. Right now he's about to launch something for us. This is Dan Sultan.
Hello. Thank you for joining us. It's my pleasure. It's hot.
Now Dan, you are a worldly musician i... |
dropout | new_yolo_slang_words | Hey, I'm Dan Gerwich from Deep Inside the Internet. Don't know if you've heard, but there's a pretty hip-a-new slang word going around.
It's YOLO, and it stands for You Only Live Once. As in, what the heck, I'll do another shot. YOLO. Nice. Well, I did some research, and YOLO, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Peopl... |
dropout | fictional_cosmos | Like grains of sand on a beach, our universe is made up of an infinite number of stars, each one so very similar, and yet so unique. Sailing endlessly on cosmic winds through a vastness so large, we can barely comprehend it.
What kind of life exists in the solar system nearest to our own, just a few billion lightyears... |
dropout | clock_suckers_weekend_at_lohan_s | I'm putting in the thumb rule. No thumb rule. I hate the thumb rule. What's the thumb rule?
The twos still clear? Just red twos. Last time we played all twos. A little bit late. I don't have any twos.
Am I vice president? No, Grid is. You're secretary of agriculture.
Are we doing triples on doubles? No. Can we just ... |
TheOnion | Department_Of_Treasury_Releases_New_Monsters_Of_The_Silver_Screen_20_Dollar_Bill | The sun is dreading rising this morning, a newly deployed soldier has dreamed of fighting in the Afghan war since he was a little kid, and the Department of Treasury releases a new Monsters of the Silver Screen line of $20 bills. Eons from today the wise ones will speak in hushed tones of the glory that was the Onion W... |
cracked | when_fantasy_football_trash_talk_goes_too_far | Ooooh. No.
I resign. I recuse myself.
Whatever it's called. Does your brain know your hands are doing a thing?
I'm quitting. Like your job? Because there's no way I'm the person you're supposed to tell that to. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I technically work for you somehow. I'm quitting your fantasy league.
Your ... |
TheOnion | After_Weeks_Of_Media_Pressure_Shia_LaBeouf_Still_Refusing_To_Have_Public_Meltdown | Hey entertainment junkies, it's time to get your quick hit. Well, it's been three weeks since the media began trying to push Shia LaBeouf over the edge and sadly, so far, there are no signs that the star is becoming the next Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan. After noticing a lull in celebrity mental breakdowns, tabloids ... |
cracked | the_truth_about_identity_theft | Hello? Hi, I'm calling from the store. Okay. So someone came into the store, and they said that they were you, but they're not you. Uh-huh.
And we didn't look at their fake ID all that closely, and we gave them three grand worth of stuff, so now you have a problem. Wait, how did this person get my personal information... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_State_Of_The_US_Censorship_Local_Politics_More_January_15 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio news board on the weekly. My name is Clancy I over all editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm joined as usual when we're not on holidays by Errol Parker editor at large.
How are you Errol? Yes... |
ClickHole | these_people_were_there_when_kennedy_was_shot_and_their_stories_are_incredible | All of a sudden there was a gunshot and JFK's head fell off and as it sailed through the sky the president's severed head was yelling the names of all the state capitals. That was his final gift to the country he loved. I had gone to watch the motorcade with my family. The president came around the corner in his conver... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Luke_Bracey_Aussie_actor_and_Hollywood_hunk_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Hello, my name is Alexi Choleopoulos and I am the clerk of the last video store. On this show, what we do is I'm joined by wonderful guests, interesting people, and we talk to them about the films they love. But we talk about them as if it were or it is a rental combo of a new release title, that's any movie from the l... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_226_UFC_IN_PARIS_Clancy_Overell_Debriefs_His_Week_In_France | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello and welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show. My name is Wendell Hussey and you are hearing it first up today because we're doing something a little bit different. Clancy Overall, the editor of The Petuta ... |
cracked | 6_famous_movies_with_mind_blowing_symbolism | Next, famous movies, Swiss body- Lloyd symbolism. F Mile And Gun! He's on. What's the story? We were able to save the left arm. What? I thought we agreed on total body prosthesis, now lose the arm, okay? Jesus, Matt. Dead or alive? You are coming with me. Thank you. Kelly Ho. You're acting so strangely, Peter.
It's fi... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Footy_s_Over_Toothpaste_Icecream_and_the_Lithgow_Panther_is_Back_October_7 | You're listening to the Betuda Advocates Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Weekly Betuda Bulletin, my name is Clancy Overall, thank you for tuning in, I'm joined by Errol Parker, Edda at Large and Effie Bateman, lifestyle editor I guess you'd call her, general field reporter, yeah she's manag... |
dropout | the_boyfriend_girlfriend_game_sponsored | And this is the Boyfriend Girlfriend Game. Brought to you by Trojan. Okay, here's how the game works. We have two brave couples here, and they're going to answer a series of very intimate questions about their sex lives. The couple that answers the most correct wins.
That's it. Alright, let's meet our couples. Okay.
... |
cracked | after_hours_why_movies_want_us_to_torture_adults | Mm-hmm, well, well, yeah! Sorry I'm late. My flight was delayed and I came straight from the a- Hey. You're supposed to catch in your mouth. And you're supposed to keep throwing soul teens into my facehole. I'm hungry. Huh?
What's with the backpack? Oh, I just came back from what I thought was supposed to be a camping... |
dropout | furry_superheroes_are_super_gross_furry_force | Now back to Furry Force on Fox Kids. Ha ha ha!
Soon this force will be a beautiful parking lot. I love parking lots.
Victor Vivisector. Looks like we got here just in time. These animals need our help.
Ha! How are four kids going to stop me? Fursona transformation! Furry Forces on the prowl! Whoa! Why are they so se... |
cracked | the_insane_world_of_video_game_health_care_8_bits | Well, just give them a bunch of these. Really cram and full of this crap.
Are you sure? I got Dr. Mario's signature. He said stop him till he's cured or he'll start coming out of his mouth. Whichever, sir.
No, no! A potion's not going to do anything!
Remember medical school! This guy's gritty and realistic. We need ... |
SaturdayNightLive | covid_commercial_snl | Are you feeling tired and worn down, sick of the endless grind at work, exhausted by your family, desperate for some peace and quiet? Then ask your doctor about Covid. By certainly getting Covid, you're guaranteed a five and sometimes even ten day vacation from all of life's problems. I needed a break, just some time a... |
cracked | why_the_waif_in_game_of_thrones_is_a_bad_killer_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, welcome to this week's episode of winter is taking forever. It's our Game of Thrones sort of recap review show Yeah, it's it is it's long. So the episode starts with the cold open which already we know something's up because there's yeah Not many so at first I was like, oh, it's Ian McShane. That's what t... |
dropout | extreme_makeover_facebook_edition | Welcome back to Xtreme Makeover Facebook Edition. Two hours ago, Ryan Beckford's life changed forever. Hey everybody, this is Ryan Storm. He's probably asleep. Let's go surprise him. Good morning Ryan Beckford!
Oh my god!
Hey, let's tear down this Facebook wall!
Yeah! Awesome!
We sent Ryan to the dining hall so we ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Albo_s_Bender_A_Goanna_Pull_Brisbane_Goes_Green_More_June_3 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. And it's been two weeks since the federal election. We here at the Batutah Advocate couldn't be happier with the less noisy, more localized, more enjoyable news cycle I have to say myself. I'm Clancy Overletter, the Batutah Advocate, I'... |
TheOnion | Man_Hasn_t_Heard_Or_Read_Single_True_Thing_In_6_Years | The air travel industry has been grounded by the coronavirus pandemic this year. And now many airlines are looking to win back some customers with increased safety measures and cheap deals on flights. Hear how United is looking to increase their revenue with new ultra economy class tickets that let passengers get dragg... |
dropout | jake_and_david_try_to_impress_si_swimsuit_models_2 | So here we are in Las Vegas thanks to Sobey, we're about to attend our second Sports Illustrated red carpet event. Now we found out what the swimsuit models thought about appearance, let's see what they have to say about personality. Psh, whatever. No, that's why we're here, we're going to find out what they have to sa... |
dropout | the_apothecary_barista | Hey, gang, I know everyone has been working so hard lately, so I decided to splurge and get a little treat for the office. Leaksha's Action Soils! Leaksha's... A barista! Okay, what do I have going on here?
Verily, my tall lad, he's an apothecary. Rare and strange are the trots. He's an apothecary. Okay, what do I hav... |
dropout | how_to_politely_talk_shit_hardly_working | Five, four, three, two, hang on, I got an email from the HR girl. Oh, Kayla, right? Kayla, yeah, Kayla, her. She's kind of, uh, particular.
Yes. I agree with that, yeah.
Super nice girl. Super nice.
She's a little specific. Yeah. Specific? Yeah, specific.
A little quirky? Idiosyncratic. A bit meticulous. Yes. That'... |
dropout | a_full_body_cast | So, when we was filming that attack ad, Plum done hit the ground instead of the trampoline, like an idiot. So, now she's got to wear this cast around. Doctor said I could've died. No, baby. I tried to kill you once before you was born, and look at you now, you're a tough cookie. Tougher than a twin brother anyways.
Wh... |
SaturdayNightLive | brokaw_voicemail_saturday_night_live | Okay, Tom, let's just do this promo and then we're out of here. Thank God. whenever you're ready, Tom. All right. this evening on Nbc Nightly News, we'll take a look at how the national deficit will impact upon the wealthiest 1% and on the Fleecing of America, a new study that links dyslexia to male pattern baldness. T... |
SaturdayNightLive | pinx_period_underwear_snl | First dates, am I right? I was actually excited about this one. So of course I got my period today.
I want a period option that's convenient and discreet so I don't have to worry about leaks, odors, or anything. When I'm at work, I don't have time to run back and forth to the bathroom. I want to be able to forget all ... |
cracked | times_a_landmark_gave_away_a_movie_s_true_location | A lot of movies that are set in iconic locations are really filmed somewhere else. Usually, you can't really tell, but here are a couple times that a landmark blew their cover. Spider-Man? Not an iconically New York superhero. Yeah. In Spider-Man 2, for his fight scene with Doc Up, they used the Chicago L train to repl... |
Fitzthistlewits | top_ten_tiptup_games | Tiptup, men love him, women want to be him, he's a bipedal tortoise with human teeth. In this video, we'll determine which was his finest hour.
10. Diddy Kong Racing. If you're like me, you'll have spent many hours playing Diddy Kong Racing, either voluntarily, or at the behest of an abusive stepfather with the patho... |
dropout | every_jrpg_ever | long ago magic ruled the world but after the big magic wall the crystal was destroyed and magic died forever but some people believe magic could return wake up wake up how did you sleep oh you're not replying well that's okay your silence makes you easier to project onto now hurry the inciting incident festival is toda... |
ClickHole | he_s_palestinian_she_s_israeli_both_of_them_incorrectly_summarize_the_movie_blade_ | Hi, I am Waleed. I come from the city of Helhul in Palestine. Hello, my name is Hila and I am an Israeli living in Jerusalem.
Blade is an action horror movie set in Los Angeles. Blade follows a half-man, half-vampire who seeks to rid the world of criminals. His name is Blade after his favorite Blade. The hero Blaine i... |
TheOnion | Presenting_The_Ecstasy_Of_Defeat_The_First_Book_From_Onion_Sports | In the ancient crucible of competition, sports was born, and Onion Sports was there. Now, for the first time ever, Onion Sports is honored to present The Ecstasy of Defeat, the greatest collection of sports reporting ever assembled. This chronicle of sporting magnificence encompasses every sport known to civilization.
... |
TheOnion | Onion_Social_CEO_Embarks_On_Tour_Of_Several_Coffee_Shops_Near_Where_He_Lives | Hello, I'm Kim Boothman, Director of User Outreach at OnionSocial. In response to the concerns and suggestions of our global family, we've begun the process of updating many OnionSocial features to make this a more enjoyable experience for our most valued asset, you, the user. Here are some of the exciting updates roll... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_palin_rap_snl | And now here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign: republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin for the chance to come out here tonight. But I've been thinking it over and I'm not gonna do the piece that we rehearsed. Maybe you're you're so good at it. Oh, I know it was really fun too. but my gut is t... |
cracked | the_startup_a_less_productive_alternative_to_unemployment | Item 3, balance, edge, image, exceptional. All important words, but perhaps more importantly, all words.
But I'm not going to.
You're all over the place, buddy. You're out of place.
What's the problem with the site, Chris? I don't know what we do. Like, the product or the service that we produce or provide.
Right! ... |
TheOnion | Tampa_Bay_Gay_Prostitutes_Gearing_Up_For_Flood_Of_Closeted_Republicans | Now it's turned back to the Republican National Convention, which is set to start Monday all week long. We've been talking to Republican strategist, Marie Byron, who has all the details about this important event.
Hi, Andrea. Hi there, Marie.
Now all of Tampa Bay is gearing up for the convention, but I understand no ... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_ramada_sisters_saturday_night_live | Everyone knows Paris and Nikki Hilton, the jet-setting heiresses to the Hilton Hotel Fortune, but they're not the only set of hotel sister socialites out there. Here with the latest gossip are Ripple and Delorean Ramada, The Ramada Sisters. hey, Jimmy Fallon. So ladies, how is everything? Oh, you know how it is, being ... |
dropout | bartenders_try_to_make_drinks_out_of_mashed_potatoes | Tonight, three expert mixologists compete to make delicious drinks out of ingredients that should not be in delicious drinks. Welcome to top epic best bartender face-off challenge of steel. Let's meet our competitors. And the judges who will name one of them winner. Let's get this challenge started.
Oh, Jesus! What th... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_jolly_trolly_allows_underage_drinking_snl | Here you go, fellas. Two Pbrs. hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. are you guys 21? I'm just messing with you guys. Oh my God, man! I can't believe it. we're actually doing it. we're in a bar.
My brother was right. they never card here. it's the best. amazing. we should get everyone to come here after prom. most defini... |
dropout | hardly_working_butt_dial | I think if I were in Looper, like I think I would just kill myself right away, just like shoot myself in the head with a blunderbuss. Oh, hold on.
Murph's calling me. He's probably butt dialing you. You should pick up and talk to him with your butt. Okay. Hey, Murph's butt. Uh, how's your... Shut your mouth, you fucki... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Too_Pissed_Emo_Gladys_25th_Home_in_the_Bahamas_December_26 | The date today is Boxing Day, as I'm sure you're aware. 26th of December. Pretty early in the morning too for you lot, pretty early for us. We're actually backstage here in the Batutah Turf Club, we're here for the races, getting an early start as you are, if you are listening to this as it's published. My name's Clanc... |
dropout | hardly_working_what_every_prank_show_basically_is | What the butt? My desk is backwards. Girl, girl.
Emily, Emily Ashford, you rock clowned out. Check it. Emily, Emily, we got a little tradition here on clowned out. Go to the camera and say, my name's Emily Ashford and I got clowned out. My name's Emily Ashford and I got clowned out.
Okay, another tradition, another t... |
TheOnion | Should_Belichick_Miss_The_Birth_Of_His_Demon_Spawn_To_Coach_Game | Drip, drip, drip, you're listening to The Morning Sweat, and today we're talking about Bill Belichick's decision to miss the expected birth of his second demon spawn in order to coach Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now as you all know, I am a very single man, but I can't imagine I'd choose to attend a football game... |
dropout | hardly_working_brotherhood_of_the_traveling_pants | And then they just gave me the cat for free.
I tell you guys, these pants are lucky. Thank God we're all size 31 waist, right? All right, who gets them this week? Because I have a very hot date Wednesday at noon. So I need to get them. What are you talking about? The jeans. I heard what you said. They're lucky. I want... |
dropout | insecure_martin_luther_king_jr_ch_shorts | Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, we are free at last.
Do you want to sit down? Let's get you a chair. Would you like some water? Would you like to be left alone?
We can't imagine what it's like to process such a moment. What was that? What do you mean?
I died out there. It was a flop, I blew it, poope... |
dropout | if_political_discussions_with_your_family_were_like_presidential_debates | Welcome back to the national debate between you and your family. Ah shit. Joining us this evening, your Republican dad, your mom who does no research, your sister who is a sophomore at a liberal arts college, and you who absolutely does not want to be in the middle of this. Hello, um, I just got off a plane and visitin... |
dropout | nicolas_cage_awards | My lawless years were behind me. Our child rearing years lay ahead. Nicolas Cage, Moonstruck.
I lost my hand! I lost my pride!
Nicolas Cage, Con Air. I got a present for you, Casey. And the award goes to... Nicolas Cage. Best Master Thief forced out of retirement to pull the biggest heist of his career to protect his... |
cracked | 13_facts_about_space_that_will_make_your_head_explode | For thousands of years, humans were terrified of and fascinated by their feared yellow sun god. In reality, our sun is, yes, a god, obviously, but not yellow, or orange, or white. It burns a green-blue color, but the Earth's atmosphere scatters certain color wavelengths, making the sun appear yellow, or white, or orang... |
dropout | good_looks_bad_breath_sponsored | I'm Mike. And I'm Eugene. And our friends, Heather and Garrett, are going to be joining us today. Yeah, because we're doing a scientific experiment. We put earbuds in their ears, going to talk to them in microphones, tell them what to do. We watch them on these monitors. See what happens when people with bad breath tal... |
cracked | ded_talks_why_christopher_columbus_was_history_s_biggest_dick | The Chinese symbol for crisis also means opportunity, because they don't have the kind of language discipline that we do.
And I should know, because I sailed west from Europe directly to India, the cradle of Chinese civilization where I got to say, konnichiwa, for the first time, to Indians. And we know they're called... |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_mike_birbiglia | Hello, I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. Tonight on the show, stand-up comedian Mike Birbiglia. He's got a brand new CD out. It's called My Secret Public Journal Live, and he's here with us tonight to do some comedy.
Mike, how are you, buddy? Good, Michael. How are you doing?
... |
ClickHole | need_a_eulogy_this_man_has_you_covered | Hello. Thank you all for being here. I know the person who just died loved you all so much. Not only was this person a loving spouse, parent, and child, but a loyal friend and a dedicated member of the community. There are so many things that I'll never forget about this person.
Maybe I'll remember their smile. Maybe ... |
SaturdayNightLive | shane_gillis_workshops_his_snl_monologue | Well, I'm from New York, and today I'm going to a place. ahh. oof. sorry, man. no, you're fine. are we interrupting? I was going to work on my monologue. actually, it's nice. can you guys check it out? Yeah. sure. okay. let's do it. All right, so I'm going to come out. I'll go Saturday. And then I went to an Amish wedd... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Peter_Garrett_Part_1 | Welcome back to the Attutor Advocate radio show. I had to do it. I'm sorry. It's alright mate. Peter, I had to do it. You're joined by myself Clancy Iverall and Wendell Hussey. Yep. And of course, if you didn't gather from my very cringe-worthy pun at the top, we're talking to Peter Garrett today.
Thank you for joinin... |
dropout | hardly_working_boozy_couple | Hey guys, um, quick announcement, my parents are coming in today, so just, um, just, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ, Sheila, look at this dump, huh? I know Harold, I feel like I could catch a disease in here. Yeah, it'd be like Spring Break 78 all over again, right? For the last time, that wasn't me, you fat drunk, that was P... |
cracked | the_terrifying_rage_monster_behind_the_scenes_of_seinfeld_cracked_responds | Hey Alex, Tom. Hey. Hey, there's some bullshit.
I want to show you Yeah, this is these are outtakes from Seinfeld during its illustrious career And it's really funny because you can watch everybody break and it's clear that they're all having a very very good time That sounds really fun. Yeah, except one person. Okay,... |
TheOnion | Domino_s_Tests_Limits_Of_What_Humans_Will_Eat | Researchers at the Domino's Pizza Institute announced yesterday that they are nearing completion of their 30-year study testing the limits of what human beings will eat. People willingly ate everything our lab created.
In fact, they pay money for it. The results continue to surprise me.
Over the course of the study, ... |
TheOnion | Qan_You_Dig_It_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_2 | I met the Vinson in Indianapolis to try some of their legendary jerk pork belly, which raises the question, will it be enough for my human belly? We'll answer these and many more pork questions tonight on Porkin' Across America. I'm Jim Haggerty. You know me as the host of Today Now, but I've also eaten in a ton of res... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_few_minutes_with_andy_rooney_shoes_saturday_night_live | And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. I've been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever noticed shoes? everybody wears them. just look down. there's so many different kinds. a lot of shoes sound like what they are. oxfords. work shoes. loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don't have to tie them... |
cracked | cooking_for_six_of_the_deadliest_people_in_the_world | Hey, you wanted to see a Sarge say nice cigars. What are those? Cigars, they're the tightly rolled Constitutions of various overthrown island nations to like to smoke one. Oh, do you have Malta fuck Malta?
We're fine Well, I know you're busy today boys, but I need you to drop everything and please Michael. Don't take ... |
dropout | bald_to_badass_in_two_easy_steps | Are you losing your hair? Tired of covering up on slightly bald spots? Well we have the solution for you.
Shave your head and grow a goatee. At shave your head and grow a goatee. We encourage our clients to shave what little hair they have and grow a goatee. Drawing attention away from their dying emasculating hairlin... |
TheOnion | Cheap_Clean_Natural_Gas_Earth_s_One_Good_Feature_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_6 | Earth's limitless diversity can seem daunting, overwhelming, frustrating, and excruciating. But in terms of mass, the majority of the world is made up of cold, lifeless rock. And in the tiny pores between these rocks lies a hidden treasure.
Unlimited reserves of natural gas. Dedicated scientists have figured out a way... |
cracked | 14_brilliant_movie_moments_you_won_t_believe_were_improvised_super_cut | He's looking at you kid What's wrong nothing taking the shit I'll have what she's having some fava beans and a nice Chianti I didn't kill my wife. I don't care. I love you. I know you talking to me I Make you laugh I'm here to amuse you Hey everyone we're crack comms after hours crew You'll notice we're wearing super c... |
cracked | 7_unbelievable_facts_about_other_planets_marvels_of_the_science_episode_5 | Our world is full of being in many worlds, from the gamma clouds of Bartman 7 to the regular clouds of Earth. The universe for sure has clouds. I'm Professor Scott Bug of the University of Glenshercliffe in Hamburgscliffe and today I will discuss planets, Mars and other planets on my marvels of the science. About eight... |
dropout | This_Restaurant_Is_Actually_a_Sex_Cult | The first time I made love, I was 15 years old and it was with a boy in my class named Toby. We were at a bonfire on the beach and we snuck away behind the breakwater to discover one another. I could smell the smoke from the fire in his hair and the salt from the cold ocean water nearby. For me, these are smells of pas... |
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