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dropout | hardly_working_suspicious_announcements | Alright you guys, here's one. Why did the pirate say he had a steering wheel in his pants? Oh my god, Jake, for the last time, nobody gives a sh- Ah! Jesus, what was that? I don't know.
Hey Murph, should we go downstairs? Good afternoon, this is the building manager. This has been a test of the building's emergency sy... |
SaturdayNightLive | mr_dooley_snl | We now return to the 1981 Knott Classic, 915 to 510. before we go in, Joyce Reed, we should give you a warning. Yeah, Mr. Dooley's a grade A bigot and misogynist. But is he nice? he's the exact opposite of nice. someone ought to kill him. But he's our boss, and it's 1981, and we're three women. And someone ought to kil... |
dropout | how_to_fight_nsa_wiretapping | Luckily, there's an easy solution. Do your shady stuff in person. And that was a snapchat. Instead of bit torrenting movies and music, try stealing actual CDs and DVDs. Most best buys have like one tired security guard. If I didn't see it, it didn't happen. If you want to discuss fringe antisocial political groups, get... |
SaturdayNightLive | send_something_normal_snl | It's time to play America's easiest game show, send something normal. All right, America, welcome to send something normal. I'm your host, Halen Hardy. For those of you that don't know, the game is very simple. we have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman's Dm on Instagram in a w... |
TheOnion | Woman_Confusingly_Tells_Area_Man_She_s_Not_Interested_In_Him | Saying that he has no idea what to make of the mixed signals, area man Pete Summers told reporters today he keeps getting ambiguous text messages from local woman Hayley Mueller claiming that she's not at all interested in him. I mean it's really confusing you know one minute she's like I don't want to go out with you ... |
SaturdayNightLive | terrence_maddox_in_art_class_snl | Alright class, Tonight we're gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist, the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last minute replacement. his name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now. Okay, Terence, whenever you're... |
TheOnion | Insidious_Worm_Makes_Unauthorized_Purchases_When_Computer_User_Is_Drunk | Computer experts are warning that a dangerous new cyber worm that works late at night could cost consumers billions of dollars. Tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks, Anna. It's spreading like wildfire.
The 2 a.m. worm collects personal credit card information, then visits retail sites, usually between the h... |
dropout | dating_advice_from_swimsuit_models_pt_2_sponsored | Hi, I am David and I'm Pat and we are here in Las Vegas at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Launch Party That's right. We've been asking the model some advice on the perfect first date I did a little test run recently with Sarah and it went pretty awful. It went terrible to be honest Yeah, so how about we do this tonigh... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_rabbi_saturday_night_live | No, Rabbinic law is very specific on that point. if a man's neighbor shall kill his oxen, he must replace the oxen. it's as simple as that. Rabbi, come in, come in, sit down. Okay, no, okay, listen, don't take my advice. it's okay, and you can rot in hell. Relatives. relatives. Well, my son, what can I do for you?
Per... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_shaquille_o_neal_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from Shaquille O'neal. Hello. I'm Shaquille O'neal, sinner, Los Angeles Slakers.
A lot of people been making a big deal about things I said on the radio interview about having sex with different celebrities. Just want to apologize. When I said I had sex with Cindy Crawford, it was a joke. didn't rea... |
TheOnion | Huge_Quantities_Of_Primo_Sh_t_Incinerated_By_Feds | A major drug bust in the Midwest today. Hear how huge quantities of primo shit were incinerated by the freaking feds.
And later, new details in the conspiracy surrounding a presidential assassination. Hear why the FBI believes they've uncovered the massive plot where JFK was buried.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radi... |
dropout | Um_Actually_Season_9_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | Saltzman? Yeah. Can we make this more pedantic? We absolutely can. Yeah, like predator versus the predator kind of thing. I completely see what you're saying. One thing is that you are glowing right now. Oh, isn't that time already?
He didn't say how to leave!
Ah! Oh. Whoa!
I, Michael Saltzman, have also been regene... |
CrackerMilk | elias_and_connor_go_to_couple_s_therapy | Rolf Harris made this. It's a tape hook. I'm not.
Are you coming out on the podcast? No, I just put butt plugs in my ass. Hello, everyone. No, you can interrupt me on Cracker Milk podcast. I've agreed to that. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. And we are joined by Elias DeWeng... |
SaturdayNightLive | centaur_job_interview_saturday_night_live | I'm sorry, Dr. Wallace, but I'm afraid we're looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our chief resident position. I understand. So did I get the job? No, you didn't. thank you. you won't regret this. I'll see you on Monday morning. you didn't get the job. Debbie, please send in the next applicants.
D... |
TheOnion | Overjoyed_Florida_Gay_Couples_Rush_Out_To_Have_Marriage_Denied | The nation celebrates what is, technically speaking, progress. A bigot is relieved to learn that gays in his state are still effectively subhuman, and Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-winning movie one day. You are nothing more than the reflection of a grim, piti... |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Blakes_Cruise_Easily_Through_Lifeguard_Tryouts | Citing their effortless physical strength, affability, and notable base tans, reports from the country's pools, lakes, and beaches have indicated that once again, the nation's blakes coasted effortlessly through this year's seasonal lifeguard tryouts. Onion reporters spoke with Cincinnati Centennial Pool's manager, Cha... |
dropout | I_Just_Got_100k_New_Followers | Mmm, croutons salad, yum. Vinaigrette salad, yum. Summer nicois salad with basil pesto dressing.
Gorgeous. Whoa. I just got a ton of new followers on Instagram, so I have a responsibility to post new content. Holy shit. You have 100,000 new followers. When did that happen? Oh, yeah. My friend took a candid photo of me... |
cracked | sanjay_gupta_likes_pot_cracked_news | Hey baby, thought I'd make you a sexy little video to keep you company on your trip. Just kidding.
This is Krak's news show that's so phoned in I'm not even really clear on what the name of the series is. Episode Today's Date.
Actor John Malkovich was recently spotted saving a 77 year old man's life. By applying pres... |
TheOnion | a_v_club_inventory_uber_patriotic_songs | Today we'll be talking about uber patriotic pro-America songs, the kind of songs that are almost embarrassing and, well, definitely embarrassing in their rah-rah support of America. So the song I want to focus on is called America We Stand As One.
By Dennis Madelone, aka Dennis Danger Madelone, a Hollywood stuntman wh... |
dropout | nerd_alert_ipad_2 | Welcome to Nerd Alert, brought to you by the new College Humor series Troopers. I'm Jeff Rubin, here with one of the writers of Troopers, Pat Cassels, as well as the editor of Dorkly, Brian Murph Murphy. This week, jocks have their statue of Rocky in Philadelphia, and now nerds have chipped in over the internet to buil... |
TheOnion | Pre_Game_Coin_Toss_Makes_Jaguars_Realize_Randomness_Of_Life | Back to the big NFL story of the day, the Jacksonville Jaguars forfeited their game against the Tennessee Titans today after the pregame coin toss caused the Jags to realize the randomness of life and the triviality of their own existence. Joining us now is Senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass. Re... |
dropout | lamaze_class_for_taking_a_sh_t | this is a very exciting time that's right just breathe but when your bundle of joy is ready to come out you can do this you got this you're gonna know I am so proud of you you're all about to give birth to a huge shit I can't wait to meet it now we're all here for different reasons right Chipotle fajita burrito with ex... |
TheOnion | Panel_Of_Caged_Average_Americans_Weigh_In_On_Economy | With the national debt hitting historic levels today, Congress is debating a controversial new bill, which could save billions in federal spending each year by cutting 12 states from the union. Political analysts have been weighing in on the issue all day here on the Onion News Network, but what do regular folks think ... |
dropout | gym | Ah! Why is there always one old naked guy? Ah! Those are the lowest hanging balls I've ever seen! Don't look at the wrinkly scrotum, don't look at the wrinkly scrotum, don't look at the wrinkly scrotum. Jeez, what's that music? It's like a freezing German dance club in here. Oh, hi fellas. Eh, whatever, I'm still smart... |
cracked | the_most_underrated_comedies_of_all_time_the_joker_more_epcd_goon_what_we_do_in_the_shadows | Hello everyone, welcome to the thirteenth episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our weekly unscripted chat show that is about everything that's going on that doesn't have anything to do with the news or the president, to give you some relief from that.
As always, I am your host, Daniel O'Brien. As alway... |
ClickHole | these_people_describe_the_taste_of_foods_to_the_blind_and_it_s_beautiful | Oh, it's delicious. The taste is... I don't know where to start. I guess I taste strawberry-y. I... I don't know. This is really hard. I'd say the taste is very sweet, and just the slightest bit tart. I don't know.
It just tastes like a strawberry. When you eat a strawberry, it's like a breeze is blowing. It's like a ... |
dropout | wait_is_this_video_branded | I think it's Katie she's doing that so no no sodas as reflect I bet it's Katie no sodas Ezra a fate worse than death itself losing one's Chomsky's why what is it Katie you're under arrest get out of here you're going to jail bad for crime can it bird brain judgmental self-driving car that was funny can it bird brain ca... |
cracked | sequels_keep_screwing_up_the_original_movies_yboc_star_trek_star_wars | Oh, hey there nerds, your results just got back and my name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and if I ever have a son, I definitely won't make him a direct follow-up in name of Jordan. So I'd rather you have something really manly like Jeff or Larry or Barabbas, whatever.
Anyway you're watching a sequel to the previous episode ... |
dropout | clock_suckers_the_punchline | AAAAAAAAAAAPSUCKLES! Raise a new child to say new name! AAAAAAAPSUCKLES!
So these two hot blondes walk into a diner. The first blonde takes her boobs out and throws them on the table. The second blood takes her boobs out and jams them into two pitchers of beer. The third blood comes in with the biggest boobs of all, a... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_write_that_down | Murph, we got the all-nighter night. It's got to be big, big, big.
Sure does, boss. I'm not your boss. I'm gonna get your thumb off your ass, grab your notepad, and walk with me. All right, boss.
Tonight, it's more than sketch comedy. It's a spectacle. It's spectacle comedy.
We're gonna need lights, lots of lights, ... |
dropout | enabling_disabled_gamers | Welcome to NerdAlert, brought to you by the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D. I'm Jeff Rubin here with split-sider editor Adam Frucci and Kotaku editor Steven Tatillo. On today's episode, we are going to be interviewing a quadriplegic gamer who plays games like Call of Duty using his face. He is going to tell us what... |
Wizards_with_Guns | these_cops_couldn_t_handle_the_least_dangerous_criminal | Talk, dammit! You're not very bright, are you? Well, sooner or later, you're gonna burn out! You're looking at some hard time! So if I were you, I would shed some light on this situation! You lamp!
Still nothing, huh?
Makovsky! Sergeant Blunders! What's the situation here, Makovsky?
Well, he hasn't said a word since... |
SaturdayNightLive | blizzard_man_with_ludacris_and_t_pain_snl | Pain, Man. You know, I got to thank you for coming in today, my dog. I appreciate it, man. you already know it's no problem. you want to go ahead and lay this thing on down? yeah, about that.
Um. I decided to replace you on the song. replace me? Yeah. T-pain? Yes. with who?
The Blizzard Man. The Blizzard Man?
Oh, ye... |
cracked | game_of_thrones_can_t_shock_us_anymore_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey you guys, it's me Alex and it's me Carmen. Welcome to winter is taking forever. It's our Game of Thrones recap show Winter continues to take forever this week. We open this week in the winteriest place There is Castle Black. It turns out Jon Snow is alive like we all knew he would be alive Welcome to a new segment ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_13_Luke_Bracey | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
Yes, welcome back ... |
TheOnion | Doofus_Chilean_Miner_Stuck_Down_There_Again | A doofus Chilean miner is stuck down there again. The U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. And a brief reprieve from Mariah Carey's Christmas song comes to a resounding end. Look on helplessly in abject horror at what your world has become. It's the Onion Week in review. Violent explosions rocked a Baghdad m... |
TheOnion | Bee_Man_Allergic_To_Bees_Found_Dead_In_Apparent_Murder_Suicide | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. A quick note before we begin. Today's episode of the podcast deals with death, so if you or anyone you're listening with feels like that might sound a little too much like every other day's news, and you think you may find it repetitive o... |
cracked | 4_film_couples_way_nastier_than_you_remember_yboc_star_wars_terminator | They got one nazzle that's gonna spray on you for 30 seconds and you won't even have time to wash off your ass! Well they let us take our boots off. No! Never answered the dwarf.
Real romances take a long time to develop, certainly longer than like 8 minutes in between car chases, so movies don't have time to realisti... |
dropout | celebrity_slumber_party_with_jack_black | If someone said, hey, do you want to go to UCLA, I hear they have a great course on horse technologies. Horse course.
I'd be like Pass. Hi, guys. Welcome to my slumber party, where I invite guests over to play fun little sleepover games. And as you know, you only invite your best friends to a slumber party. So that's ... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_at_ny_comiccon_with_pete_holmes_episode_1 | Mark writes I'm 19 years old and I'm turning 20 in two months I've gone to second and third base with a couple girls, but I live in the south So both girls ended up being too conservative for home play I haven't had any action in a year and I'm feeling a little psyched out by still being a virgin at almost 20 I got on ... |
dropout | if_people_said_happy_birthday_like_they_do_on_facebook | Hey, happy birthday, Trap. Oh, thank you, Carrie. Oh no, it's Trap's birthday. I gotta tell him happy birthday in a cool and unique way. Happy birthday, dude. Fuck. God damn it, you took dude. Happy birthday, dude. It's so solid.
What else?
B-Day. A cool guy would say happy B-Day. Yeah, happy B-Day, Trap.
Oh, fuck. ... |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_3 | You know, I'm going to move past the obvious boner joke here and say we probably should have taken care of this last night. How'd you guys sleep?
Great, actually. I got like a solid 12, which is weird because I knew death was coming for me. Good.
Wait, we can't just stand around here and wait for death to claim us on... |
cracked | wonder_woman_s_weakness_will_make_you_uncomfortable | Wonder Woman is a badass superhero who recently made a huge comeback thanks to the new DC film where she kicked ass in World War I and won over a lot of fans who just wanted to see a lady superhero who's cool and different. However, before her movie, Wonder Woman had a really stupid weakness. You know, because every su... |
dropout | what_it_takes_to_wash_your_jeans | You wear them for a week straight. You drop tomato sauce on the thigh while eating ravioli at your coffee table. The butt starts to sag. You wear them for another three weeks straight. That pen you stole from that restaurant because you like the way it writes explodes when you sit down. The knees start to form little c... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_david_spade_saturday_night_live | Thanks. people, there's an epidemic going around in the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I'm not talking about chlamydia. but good guess. No, I'm talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, And they have the nerve not to sing, They're big hits. it happens more often tha... |
dropout | Which_Cartoons_Characters_Are_Invited_To_The_Cookout_Smartypants_Presentation_Demi_Adejuyigbe | What I want to talk to you about today is allyship. Mm-hmm. Just read that. Oh, come on, Demi.
I'm a white guy. I came here to laugh. I didn't come here to be confronted with my position in the racial hegemony.
Never said the word racial before. That's how good of an ally he is. Wow. He's never said the word racial.
... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_streeter_seidell | I love history and my favorite kind of history is colonial history and my favorite thing in all of colonial history is the Second Amendment because I think it's crazy, but not because it gives you the right to own a gun. That I think is very understandable given the context of the time it was written. Like you had to h... |
cracked | why_weed_legalization_is_terrible_for_weed_smokers | 420, stay high all day, y'all. This is Adam Todd Brown, and I have a serious question. Should the federal government legalize marijuana? The majority of Americans say yes, and that's your first clue that it's a terrible idea. For one thing, weed is already legal enough if you live in one of the 20 states that allow it ... |
dropout | if_the_floor_is_lava_became_reality_parody_movie_trailer | Hey I'm gonna go see what mom's making for dinner All right, I'll be careful My fellow Americans We are in the midst of a global crisis Seemingly normal ground is becoming magical and yet it retains its natural aesthetic For too long we took for granted that the floor underneath our feet wasn't hot lava This is the pri... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_russia_invades_ukraine_biden_nominates_ketanji_brown_jackson_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, this week, Russia began their invasion of Ukraine. President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Belarus and Tucker Carlson. many analysts were s... |
cracked | an_explanation_for_every_final_fantasy_mission_ever | Yeah, and you know the bitter irony of it is Eris or more technically Eryth He's the best healer in the game gets me every time. That's what's so great about this game though It's like ten polygons and I'm like weeping.
Why did you guys pop my arms? It's like watching Citizen Kane and asking why it's not in color.
Sh... |
ClickHole | here_s_the_perfect_recipe_for_a_healthy_20_minute_dinner | Hey guys, Mike here. Today we're going to be looking at an easy 20 minute recipe that you yourself can make at home. The best part for all you health nuts out there, this is totally healthy too. So, all you need is a basic cooking pot, one pan, one can of low sodium tomato sauce, some cumin, one pound of whole wheat sp... |
dropout | pov_bathroom | Gotta get a poop, gotta get a poop. Where's the bathroom in this joint anyway? Aha! Now I really gotta poop. It's like my butt knows it's near a toilet.
Gah! I have some decency, you old weirdo. Oh come on, they can't all be full. Let's investigate further. That's a no, and door number two. Oh no, eye contact. I feel ... |
SaturdayNightLive | publishers_clearing_house_giveaway_saturday_night_live | Super Sunday excitement continues with the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol. We're here, live in Brooklyn, New York at the Tompkins Housing Projects to surprise someone with 10 million dollars. Mr. James Stapleton, we're from Publishers Clearing House. you've just won 10 million dollars. Who the hell is? Publishe... |
dropout | yoshi | Hey Gary, what's shaking? Nothing much Leo, I see you got a new segway. Huh? Yeah, this old thing? Got it a couple days ago. That's great. Mm-hmm. Totally quiet, comfortable, beats driving a car, you should think about getting one if you can afford it. Yeah, maybe someday Leo. What the hell is that thing?
This is my Y... |
cracked | the_horrifying_dark_side_of_space_travel_that_movies_ignore_starship_icarus_episode_2 | But why do you guys know all this stuff? Weren't you just in cryo sleep too? Now the ship just woke you up last. Didn't need a thing for you till now and guess you lucky son of a ape. Just trying to take a personally beep.
That's bad for your species, right? Please remove obstruction. Don't know. Everything on this de... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_will_smith_and_chris_rock_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Shain. Thank you. good evening, everyone. Welcome, weekend Update. I'm Michael Shain. I'm Colin Jost.
Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind o... |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Boy_Finds_Own_Real_Life_E_T_ | Remember the movie E.T.? We all love that movie, right? The little kid who befriends an alien from outer space. Love that movie. Well, today we have a young man right here in our studio who actually found his own E.T. while he was on vacation with his family.
Say hello to 11-year-old Thomas Deming from Duluth, Minneso... |
TheOnion | Worst_Things_You_Can_Say_To_A_Bartender_On_St_Patrick_s_Day_reddit_askreddit_viral_question | Bartenders, what's the worst thing a customer can say to you on St. Patrick's Day? The Guinness has gone bad. Can I have a refund? Buddy, that's just how it tastes. When someone asks what kind of cabbage we have on tap, it's like, it's right there. Just read the menu. Customers always ask if we take Amex, as if they do... |
dropout | hardly_working_breaking_bad | Hey sir, are you all caught up on Breaking Bad? Well, I just finished- Are you all caught up on Breaking Bad?
Bitch! Oh my god, Josh, you've been doing this Jesse impression for like two weeks. It's so annoying. Yeah, I mean, it's a good impression, but you seriously need to chill out. It's getting weird. Okay, sorry,... |
dropout | Offbeat_Roommates_and_Wedding_Dates_Ep_3_Pt_1_The_Unsleeping_City | Guys, this is Brennan from College Humor. I'm in the CH offices right now.
And as you can see, they're totally abandoned.
This is a possible future that could come to pass if you don't sign up and subscribe for Dimension 20 Show on YouTube and hit that bell to get notifications for all the exclusive new D20 content w... |
cracked | that_head_shaving_scene_in_wolf_of_wall_street_wasn_t_faked | that scene was not created through some sort of movie magic Scorsese actually hired a woman to have her head shorn completely on the camera okay maybe she wasn't just a random extra the woman was Natasha Newman Thomas who was not an actress but a hairstylist and costume designer who happened to be friends with Leonardo... |
SaturdayNightLive | detectives_snl | All right, good morning team. it's Monday. you know what that means. it's time to touch base on our logs of cold cases. But first, we have two new interns here for college credit. everybody. let's welcome Olivia and Kaya Girls want to tell us about yourselves. Hi! First up, we have case File 442. look at that beautiful... |
SaturdayNightLive | west_bank_report_saturday_night_live | As fighting continues between Israel and the Palestinians, here with the latest report from the West Bank is Fox News' War Correspondent, Geraldo Rivera. Geraldo, uh, Geraldo, it's Tina Fey. can you hear me? Tina, I'm here in the West Bank town of Rumala. it's the seventh stop on my tour of terror. it's been another he... |
dropout | hardly_working_grease | Sir accidentally hit me. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just bleeding a little bit. I'm fine. Oh!
Let's take it from the top. I'm sorry. No, you're not. It's fine, though. Let's take it from the top. All right. Everybody from the top, and action.
Sorry. I'm really sorry.
Ah! You don't get to speak to me, okay? From... |
dropout | gifts_that_are_clearly_for_yourself_hardly_working | As the holiday party got underway and Jack Frost brought winter to bear, Grant still couldn't help wondering about the true meaning of Christmas. Alright, more of a wrap than a rock, but, you know, Christmas. So, when's the rest of the office gonna get here, right?
We didn't invite him. What? You rented out this whole... |
dropout | who_s_the_real_cop_ch_shorts | You know, impersonating a police officer is a serious crime. Yeah. That's why I arrested you for it. Nice try. But I have proof. Just a batch for you?
Now I suggest you call a lawyer. What do you need a lawyer for if you're innocent?
What? No, no. I'm the cop. Right?
This isn't a time for games, son. You're gonna go... |
cracked | 3_scientific_reasons_everyone_loves_the_rock | Good God almighty, that's Alex Schmidt's music! Alex Schmidt is here!
I bet you like this, King! Wayne The Rock Johnson is the most popular person who's ever lived, and popular in more powerful ways than you've ever realized. Yes, you. What's your name? It doesn't matter what your name is.
Reason number one, The Rock... |
cracked | what_movies_get_wrong_about_bdsm_relationships | Now I'm going to cause you pain, not because I want to derive pleasure from fulfilling your genuine desire of relinquishing control just because I was abused as a kid and this is all a way of taking revenge against the women who hurt me. This is BDSM! You're kind of scaring me and giving me zero reasons to trust you, b... |
cracked | 12_19_07_news_on_cracked_jamie_lynn_spears_baby_clemens | It's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and to recap, it's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm glad we got that straight.
Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant in news that comes as a shock to absolutely no one famil... |
TheOnion | last_bastion_of_u_s_economy_succumbs_to_pancreatic_cancer | The last bastion of the U.S. economy succumbs to pancreatic cancer. A man receives the first ever baboon face transplant, and this bowling birthday party enters its fifth agonizing hour. The future of news as we know it glows incandescently before you. This is the Onion Week in Review.
A Rasmussen poll reveals that ne... |
cracked | 5_terrible_movies_based_on_toy_franchises_that_never_saw_the_light_of_day_canonball | Emily drew it. She loved the story of me being found at my mom's doorstep.
The Barbie movie, as we know it, almost didn't happen. Mattel plowed through a laundry list of writers, directors, and stars for a decade. At one point, it was an Amy Schumer vehicle with a, quote, girl-boss feminist twist that fell through bec... |
cracked | adult_jokes_you_missed_in_nickelodeon_s_rugrats_canonball | If you were a kid during the reign of Nickelodeon, chances are you watched an incredible amount of The Rugrats. It was a massive success and was Nickelodeon's longest running show until that dandy, wet, freak SpongeBob SquarePants came along. If you're somehow unfamiliar, here's a quick breakdown. It was a show that fo... |
cracked | practical_effects_that_look_like_cgi | I wanna show you some scenes that look like CGI, but they actually aren't. First up, Alien. I know this gave everyone nightmares as a kid. Space Odyssey, always thought this was a pen on a string. Turns out it's not. You know, I read the description of this one and I still don't get it that much, but it is, it's practi... |
dropout | the_super_bowl_isn_t_about_football | We got beer, we got wings, we got dips a-plenty, let's Super Bowl! Grant, why aren't you in juice? It's the Super Bowl. Oh, I only watched the Super Bowl for the football.
Ugh, you're one of those. I'm sorry, I just, the rest of this is so boring.
Grant, the Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for commercialism... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_special_brownies | Hey! That's not how it goes, it's... Hey! Hey guys, who wants some special brownies? Oh yeah! I'm nice right now! I'm brownies!
Oh man, you guys, I think I'm already feeling it. Me too. Oh my god. Everything is warm.
I feel like my body is made of water. Does anybody else feel like their tongue is getting bigger? No,... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Soft_Cock_Albo_Appoints_A_New_Governor_General_Good_Coffee_Finally_Arrives_In_ | Clancy overall in the booth, Errol Parker in the booth, Wendell Hussey in the booth.
Hello. Bit going on in the world. Yeah. God willing we get through it Clancy. Eastern states are getting a bit wet. Finally. It's coming down. We've got a new shirt that's about to drop. Well.
Is it worth mentioning? We're waiting. I... |
cracked | 5_reasons_gremlins_is_secretly_about_sex | Gremlins came out during that period of time in the 1980s when Steven Spielberg was busy trying to punish all of us for ever being children. He snuck melting Nazis into a movie bearing the same parental guidance rating as Garfield to Tale of Two Kitties, unleashed a family film about a shovel-headed, wrinkly scrotum al... |
cracked | why_peta_is_a_nest_of_lies_and_very_litigious_about_it | Hi guys, it's me Katie from Cracked, the YouTube page you're currently on. Some of you may remember a video I released about PETA. No, I do not mean the delicious unleavened bread, which is a staple of Mediterranean cuisine. I am talking about the not-so-secret and arguably evil activist group People for the Ethical Tr... |
SaturdayNightLive | penelope_man_and_wife_snl | Wow, what a touching ceremony. I've never been to a wedding where so many people cried. I know. Nicole looked so beautiful. I'm so glad I brought tissues. I brought tissues, too. probably more tissues than you, So I also brought paper towels, a beach towel, a sponge, and a chamois. I used them all up. they're wet, so I... |
dropout | getting_caught_eating_alone_ch_shorts | Mmm, finally, I'm home and alone, a chance to be by myself. How's my breakup doing? Kelsey! Oh my God, hey guys! How are you? I'm good! Are you alone? You want to come and join us? Oh, no, I'm meeting someone. Oh, okay. Not alone. Oh, fuck, why did I do that? I'm not meeting anyone, I think I'm being stood up. Hi there... |
dropout | how_you_really_use_exercise_machines | Strength. Power.
NoFlex provides you with a quick, easy workout that you can do in the convenience of your own home. But it also offers you something that you really want. Another place to toss your shit. With eight power rods, the NoFlex Home Gym holds 310 pounds of resistance that you'll never use. Because after lik... |
dropout | The_Game_Show_of_Nerdy_Corrections_Harry_Potter_Catan_and_Tetris | From shy guys to shy halud, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Erika Ishii. Hello, everyone. Emmy Quacker. Hey. And Becca Scott.
How's it going? Um, how's everyone feeling?
Ready for finger guns. Pe... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_38_becky_lucas_and_cameron_james | Hello again and welcome back. Thank you for tuning in to the Batutah Advocate radio show or downloading our podcast if you're one of our loyal listeners from outside the Diamantina Shire. My name is Errol Parker and sitting alongside me as always is my friend, my colleague Clancy Overrell. Yes, thank you for tuning in ... |
SaturdayNightLive | always_and_forever_snl | Kids asleep, honey, sound asleep.
Oh Jim. I need you to take Tommy to practice tomorrow, Okay, Okay? don't forget my mother. She's coming over to dinner Friday, right? did you get the car fixed? Yes, it was a lot less than what I thought. Oh good, got it. these will be ready in about two weeks.
What's the matter? Not... |
cracked | 5_videos_that_tried_to_be_cute_and_failed_hilariously | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 15 of Cracked TV, where wearing sweater vests always is mandatory. Seriously, if I don't, they dock my pay. Isn't that right orientation guy from the Hudsucker proxy? I'm a doctor!
Due to conditions placed on our receiving of government bailout money, today's topic is five videos they... |
dropout | i_can_t_decide_what_my_last_meal_should_be | Can't! Have you decided on your last meal? No, not yet. Well, you need to choose before you're executed. Time's running out.
I just don't know what I want, you know. I just don't know what I'm in the mood for.
Just pick something. I've always loved like a really good seafood paella. With fish, little shrimps. Just pu... |
TheOnion | breaking_tour_de_france_on_hold_as_cyclists_ride_over_to_creek_to_check_out_bugs | Fans of the Tour de France will be disappointed to hear that the race has been put on hold for an indefinite amount of time, as many of the world's top cyclists are currently riding over to the creek to check out cool bugs. Our Chad Williams is live in Bergerac, France. Thanks Rachel. Roads that should be full of biker... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_matrix | Would you please remove any metallic items you're carrying? Keys? Boost change? Holy shit!
The Matrix. The blockbuster hit of 1999 wowed audiences with its incredible fight scenes and deep philosophical questions. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch The Matrix forever. In the original script, instea... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_164_Human_Nature | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Petuta in the old city district and we've actually had a bit of a run recently in guests.
We had the amazing Grace Tame a couple weeks ... |
SaturdayNightLive | penne_alla_vodka_snl | It's there for us when we gather to say goodbye, and when we gather to say hello, it's there for us. When one chapter ends, and when a new one begins, it's there when we bring home the win, and there when we leave home for our next adventure. Whenever we gather, for reasons happy or sad, it's there for us. A big ass al... |
dropout | defender_of_the_basic_hardly_working | Now, see, Beethoven actually refers to the Charles Grodin character. The dog is Beethoven's monster.
Oh, fuck. I'm gonna have to rewrite this entire thing piece. Sorry. Screw it.
Hey, Jess! What are you up to? Scented candles! I'm decorating my room this weekend.
Aww. Cool. You gonna hang up some little fairy lights... |
Reductressnews | Brave_Author_Writes_Entire_Novel_As_Nail_Art_and_You_Won_t_Believe_the_Results | I'm Maya Michaels and I won the Featherton Award for short form literature. My upcoming novel is written entirely on my fingernails. Before Featherton I was just a former hand model with a dream. Mmm, Colombian coffee. Growing up I bit my nails voraciously and sometimes I still do it. I lost the entire character of Bab... |
dropout | help_us_fire_zac_oyama_live | Hi, everybody. Sam from College Humor here. If you haven't seen me before, I'm more or less the boss.
And, gosh, I have the sad duty today of having to fire Zack Oyama. He's been a College Humor cast member with us for a while, but I got to get rid of him. Really, it comes down to being about money. I just don't want ... |
dropout | if_nba_jam_were_a_real_game_30_for_30_parody | What happened that night forever changed what we thought was possible in the sport. It was the type of thing you wouldn't see in today's game, but that era was like the Wild West. You know, it was 25 years ago, and I'm honestly just ready to put it behind me. It was Sunday, January 17th, 1993. My dad got us floor seats... |
cracked | the_entire_history_of_cracked_com_new_guy_weekly | The storied history of Cracked.com deserves its own documentary. And I've asked Cracked editor Tom Ryman to use his narration skills to bring this documentary to life. I've never narrated anything.
Oh, come on. Makes your history happen. There's like a fleet of cars driving by. Well, speak up then. Just talk about it.... |
CrackerMilk | nichameleon_gets_kicked_off_the_podcast | Ah! Don't shoot! Ah! We're joined by Nick Amelie once again this week and Tom and Elias and Connor myself and this is an improv comedy podcast where we take your YouTube comments and turn them into funny little improv bits sort of similar to the Aunty Donna podcast but not as um nuanced and and and less less training a... |
Wizards_with_Guns | everyone_s_f_ked_up_uncle_on_thanksgiving | The turkey looks raw, Dad. I'm gonna spank you, son. What? Why did we invite Uncle Gary? He's so gross. Jacob! And the food it brings is so weird. You better be nice to your Uncle Gary. You know he has that condition, so I better see nothing but smiles, young man. Uncle Gary! Who's hungry?
I just want to say thank you... |
dropout | trooper_of_the_week_full_episode | Let's see what else we have here. Oh, this is fun. We're starting a Trooper of the Week program. Eh? Little contest? Now, I know what you're thinking. Why reward good troopers when we can just kill bad troopers? Chase knows, because... That was a rhetorical question. So, starting now, the best trooper of the week will ... |
SaturdayNightLive | george_santos_expelled_cold_open_snl | Good evening, I'm Wolf Blitzer. And if I take my glasses off, I'm beautiful. later in the program, I'll have a live conversation with Elon Musk. So go ahead and sell your Tesla stock now.
And we'll talk about his social media site, X, and their only remaining advertiser, Spirit Airlines, whose slogan is also, Go F You... |
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