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cracked | rob_lowe_s_directv_commercials_cracked_responds | You guys, I want to talk about these Rob Lowe commercials for DirecTV, of which there seem to be thousands now. The campaign slogan is Don't Be Like This Me, which is essentially, don't be a lesser version of Rob Lowe, which, card to the table, all of us are. Hi, I'm Rob Lowe, and I have DirecTV.
And I have cable.
Th... |
ClickHole | towels_explained_in_90_seconds | Towels. You've likely seen them anywhere from your bathroom to piled up in your gym's laundry baskets. But what are towels, really? We'll break down everything you've ever wanted to know about towels in just 90 seconds, starting now.
So we all know what napkins are. Think of the last napkin you used, but imagine it ma... |
cracked | how_all_couples_eventually_tune_each_other_out | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can this is one of those I'm sorry, honey. Sharon. I can't quite hear you from the other room. Sorry. Have you seen my sorry? It's a little quiet just one ... |
cracked | wonder_woman_s_sex_tape_a_lost_episode_of_super_friends | Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice.
Okay, which one of you did it? Tell me who did it so I can kick his ass. But seriously, we have no idea what you're talking about.
Who put Wonder Woman's sex tape on the internet? Play it. No, she's our friend. I'm not gonna violate her womanhood. Found it. Damn, girl. That's a sex ... |
dropout | the_relationship_simulator_bed | That's what I'm saying.
Hey, hello. Hi. Hi, Mikey.
What's the best part about sleeping with somebody? The sex. Cut it out! It's actually the terrible night's sleep. Waking up feeling tired and angry makes you feel loved. If you sleep alone but still want the shared bed experience, fear not. Heavenly dreams, matters k... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_howard_goodall | What was the difference between punk rock and just being angry but without a guitar? What sort of music was popular in Victorian times? What were the genres? R&B, soul, rock? One was the music hall. Is music hall the first sort of music named after a building? And do you think that was a big influence on Acid House? So... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_sarah_nade | But he was a big hit at the time. Ah! You came! Yeah, of course. You said you had penguin meat in here, so I wanted to sing. You fell for my ruse!
Okay, well, see ya. Would the lady not care to hear a song or two before she leaves? I'm gonna regret this. This is the little one I wrote a while back.
You see, it was an... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_102_Dr_Norman_Daddy_Swan_on_the_COVID_19_Outbreak_ | And once again, this week's show is proudly brought to you by Budgie Smugglers. Yes, Budgie Smugglers, sponsoring Budgie Smugglers Studio here in downtown Batuta. You know, Budgie Smugglers is one of those industries that, you know, heading into the European summer when we see COVID-19 start to hopefully ease in Europe... |
TheOnion | Treasury_Department_Issues_Emergency_Recall_Of_All_US_Dollars | Good afternoon. We have a lot of information to get out, so I will not be taking any questions.
As of 10 a.m. this morning, the U.S. Treasury Department has issued a full recall of all 776 billion pieces of U.S. currency in circulation. I know this must seem like a blow coming on the heels of this morning's announceme... |
dropout | the_conspiracy_behind_your_glasses_adam_ruins_everything | Afternoon, Pierre. Adam, it's been too long. Is that a new pocket square? New to you. How's Madeline?
She agreed to a second date. I told you she was sweet on you.
And how are your loved ones? My turtles, they're quite well.
What do you got for me? Well, we have a number of new styles to show you. So many styles. Ho... |
cracked | the_hidden_danger_of_astronomy_no_one_talks_about | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in Remedial Advanced and two in just Science. Professor Bug re... |
Wizards_with_Guns | joker_house | Is this thing on? People of Gotham, I've got someone here I think you're really gonna want to see. Let's see if we can make this little piggy squeal. Let's have a smile on that, let's have a smile. Let's put a smile on it.
And I thought my jokes were bad.
You want to know how Robin laid an egg? You want to know how m... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_departed | When I was your age, they would say we could become cops or criminals. When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?" The Departed Martin Scorsese's 2007 masterpiece about Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio hiding from each other is brimming with crazy trivia and wild Easter eggs that will blow your mind and ch... |
cracked | winter_is_taking_forever_game_of_thrones_recap_episode_1 | Hey everyone. Thank you for joining us. I'm Dan. This is Cody. We're from Kraft.
We're gonna do a weekly recap show of Game of Thrones and we're gonna talk about the premiere. Do you see it? I did. Yeah, it felt like the whole episode was previously on Game of Thrones. Do you remember when Marcella died? Here is Jamie... |
SaturdayNightLive | black_history_month_saturday_night_live | Good evening.
I'm Tracy Morgan, and this is a great moment in Black history. Tracy Morgan was born in 1970 to his mother, Flossy Morgan, and one of these two fine gentlemen. as a child, growing up in the Brooklyn section of New York, Tracy Morgan dreamed of being an astronaut or the President of the United States. Unf... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_new_king_of_kong | You're watching Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff, this is Pat, we are at Barcade in Brooklyn and today we are honored to be joined by Dr. Chen, currently the world record holder for high score in Donkey Kong. So let's run through your credentials briefly. You have a computer science degree from Harvard, a mathematics degree from H... |
cracked | why_your_favorite_artist_doesn_t_want_to_meet_you_people_watching_6 | Every broken dream And every missing friend Every time it ends But you learn to love again Hey, I really loved your show Okay then Fucking bitch Um, hi, I really loved your show Okay, um Hi, I really loved your show, great stuff, eh? Awesome, thanks so much I play guitar myself actually, I keep one at the office It's j... |
TheOnion | Man_Keeps_Memory_Of_Dead_Teen_Alive_By_Making_Her_Center_Of_Elaborate_Political_Conspiracy_Theory | When I read about Britney dying, I thought it was horrible. Britney had a reputation for lighting up any room she walked into with her bubbly personality.
I knew someone had to keep the memory of her alive, so I decided to make her the center of an elaborate political conspiracy theory I made up out of thin air. The f... |
dropout | all_nighter_beef_gurewitch_3_reckoning | Go Cheaters, it's all murder! I'm so tired I'm at the point where I'm saying things that don't make Amy smarts.
604 AM, the horizon's got a tentacle head poking out! And it's the sun.
Is that a fat bastard reference? I bet you guys are as hungy as a fungi. Luckily, I brought a big honking platter of my family's signa... |
cracked | famous_movie_lessons_that_make_zero_sense_yboc_godzilla_mcu | I'm super excited to let you guys know that once again, this episode is made possible thanks to NordVPN. And our promotion deal thing is going to run out in just a couple of weeks, meaning this is kind of your last chance to get 70% off a three-year plan plus one additional month for free when you go to nordvpn.com sla... |
SaturdayNightLive | aidy_s_dream_snl | Hi, I'm Snl's Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan, or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet, nurturing women, but the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, y... |
dropout | inside_nixon_s_oval_office_in_360 | I don't have a good feeling about this guy. I'm Richard Nixon. And I'm here to restore peace to the world. That doesn't sound so bad. And I'm Henry Kissinger, insouciant robot here to make peace. But what is peace, really? What is shopping model for power?
Ooh, that's good. I thought you'd like it. Like one of those m... |
dropout | Commercials_Have_a_Hidden_Agenda | Your show purports to critique advertising, but since it's on advertising-supported television, your audience can't watch it without sitting through the very thing you despise. Okay, sure, I do worry that's a little bit of a conflict sometimes, but come on, people don't pull out a credit card every time they see a comm... |
TheOnion | Facebook_HQ_On_Lockdown_After_Mark_Zuckerberg_s_Avatar_Breaks_Out_Of_Metaverse | Facebook headquarters is on lockdown after Mark Zuckerberg's avatar broke out of the metaverse. Employees were first ordered to shelter in place after the avatar materialized in a server room, let out a terrifying cackle, and immediately dismembered several engineers. The 3D avatar, which has green eyes, brown hair, an... |
cracked | sacha_baron_cohen_was_an_early_viral_marketing_star | We're super good at it!
Sasha Baron Cohen was an early viral marketing star. Buddy Lee, an old advertising mascot for Lee Jeans, was resurrected by a Minneapolis ad agency in 1998 to help market Lee Dungarees as a durable alternative to Levi's art exhibition Sex Pants. Long before Da Ali G Show made its way to HBO in ... |
dropout | How_Much_Pokemon_Knowledge_Do_You_Have_ft_Sam_Bashor | From Kuja to Kujo, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us on today's episode, we have Sam Basher.
Hello, thank you for having me back. Thank you for coming back.
We also have Ryan Martin. Good night and good luck. Oka... |
TheOnion | Who_s_Fucking_Josh_and_Debra | Well, we met about two months ago at my friend Marsha's 31st birthday dinner, and I immediately noticed Josh. Yeah, I can be a little shy sometimes, but I said to myself, you better go up and introduce yourself because if you don't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. We started talking, and well, here... |
cracked | how_the_new_call_of_duty_can_save_the_franchise | So what's this one, a new Halo? You literally asked me that exact question last time, and now it's Call of Duty. Much more realistic than- You know what, yeah, it's Halo, I really don't care anymore.
Man, you're kickin' ass! Just like a tutorialist or something? No. Actually, I think it's one of the last levels- Serio... |
dropout | i_got_no_sleep_last_night | Okay, so we push our fingers really carefully together, and then just kidding now! We don't play by your rules, motherfucker. Hey, guys. You okay, Zach?
You look a little tired. I am. I got no sleep last night. Sorry? Thank you. I mean, it's like I'm going to need this whole pot to get through the day.
We can't liste... |
dropout | How_SWAT_Teams_Can_Make_Us_Less_Safe | For the past 30 years, there's been a deliberate effort to increasingly militarize our police forces. Since the 1980s, the US government has encouraged police departments across the country to behave more like military units than local PD. It started with the war on drugs when they began giving out extra cash to police... |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Tiny_Dog_Has_Been_Barking_Nonstop_For_6_Years | And in Rapid City, South Dakota, a West Highland Terrier has been barking continuously for six straight years today. The small dog, named Taffy, was purchased by area electrician David Richards as a present for his daughter's eighth birthday. They just turned 14, so that would be six years. She barked the whole first w... |
cracked | 4_real_star_wars_plots_too_hot_for_disney_canonball | If Mickey Mouse gets his way, Disney will be uploading Star Wars movies directly into our brain chips until the sun burns out and we all have to move to a galaxy far, far away. This puts enormous pressure on the suits at Disney to come up with endless stories about spaceships that go pew pew! Emperor Palpatine's hypers... |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_pawn_stars_knockoff_is_worse_than_you_think_ | So Terry comes in with this Confederate sword. Now, if this thing is real, I want it. Oh, it's real. I know, because my grandpa gave it to me. Well, it seems legit, but you know how it goes. I still gotta call my guy. Why it's real?
Hey Earl, thanks for coming in on such short notice. I was at lunch when you called. I... |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_1_why_children_shouldn_t_be_allowed_to_talk_to_astronauts | Hello there, Silverton Elementary. I hope you can hear me.
It's a beautiful day here in space. That's of course a little joke. Day is a construct of Earth, and your position on it and its rotation in and out of the sun. Also, no storm clouds up here on account of the lack of atmosphere. I mean, there are some clouds, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sketch_rewind_with_ego_nwodim_rich_auntie_with_no_kids | Watching yourself is so painful. this is a punishment. nearly a third of Americans are more stressed out this year than last holiday season. here to comment is: Rich Anton with no kids. Ok, so Kate was the host. and we're like, it's going to be hard to get something on, because, you know, the Og, the legend is coming b... |
TheOnion | Prison_Economy_Spirals_As_Price_Of_Pack_Of_Cigarettes_Surpasses_Two_Hand_Jobs | If you haven't felt the pinch yet, you will soon. As of today, the average cost of a pack of cigarettes has gone up to two handjobs and a stick of beef jerky. For more, we go now to Onion News Network prison economics expert Hal Rogan. Hal, I never thought I'd see the day when cigarettes cost more than one handjob. Why... |
cracked | scientific_reasons_cats_are_better_than_dogs_the_cracked_podcast | I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked. And joining me on stage, Cracked's gurgling wellspring of edgy sexuality, Mr. Alex Schmidt. Next to him, head writer for Video on Cracked, he is Dr. Mr. Cody Johnston! Next to him is the hilarious stand-up from L.A., where he writes for the micro-blogging site Twitter. He's a member ... |
TheOnion | Should_The_Cowboys_Be_Worried_About_Ezekiel_Elliott_Hanging_Around_Someone_Like_Jerry_Jones | Alright, my precious little sweat beads. I want to talk about Ezekiel Elliott and whether the cowboy should be worried that he's hanging around with a character as shady as Jerry Jones. I mean, this is your former fourth overall pick who you're spending $25 million on. And if I'm Jason Garrett, I'm awfully nervous anyt... |
cracked | 8_mind_blowing_connections_between_the_works_of_joss_whedon_after_hours | Thank you all for coming. Now, as the material that we're speaking about today is of a sensitive nature, I thought it best that we meet somewhere out of sync with our natural rhythms. Our usuals, please. One unusual for him. But then I forgot that everything's closed. Plus, Dan's anal retentiveness precludes us changin... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_american_girl_cafe_snl | And Some more tea for Clarabelle. But Make sure Clarabelle knows it's very hot, okay? Okay. Thank you. Hi there. Welcome to American Girl Cafe. I'm Shane. I'll be taking care of you this afternoon. I Still see you're waiting on some folks. Nope. Gang's all in. Okay. So You're not waiting for your daughter or a niece? N... |
cracked | 3_ways_the_modern_work_place_is_designed_to_make_you_sick | Thank you. Thank you, that is my one act play entitled Office Worker Who Doesn't Know What I Know. Because while most people go to and from their office jobs without a care in the world, except for every care in the world ever, adulthood is a pants poopingly nasty toil. Anyway, I go to my office job with specific fears... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_new_trump_family_snl | Home at last. I know the kids are gonna be really jazzed to see their dad a new wife, Melania Canals Trump fresh from the honeymoon. I'm gonna kiss you now kids, We're home. Donald Trump Jr. Eric Trump Ivanka Trump Come meet your new mommy! Hi Dad. here's how it's gonna go.
I'm not calling her mom because she's too cl... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Gladys_Deb_Rex_Local_News_October_23 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, you're joined today of course by myself Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Parker, editor-at-large how are you Errol? Yeah good Clancy, how are you going mate?... |
cracked | why_you_re_having_worse_sex_than_your_ancestors_the_cracked_podcast | Oh boy good crowd good crowd we don't usually try to wander out in the pitch black that didn't go well I hope a lot of people are here on dates and just ready to have a romantic conversation but I should say I'm Jack I'm editor-in-chief of cracked and joining me on stage we have the writer and star of many a crack vide... |
dropout | the_schining_outtakes | Hey I've eaten too many good snacks We have so many inside jokes from just this short trip, I don't know I'll ever explain them to keep hey I Said to them my mouth is a toilet male And that's when I knew that I had to use the bathroom When you said your mouth was a Tailgating I Girl who was murdered by an axe and then ... |
dropout | prom | Whoo, everybody, welcome back to the seventh episode of Tales from the Closet. Maybe you're watching this and you are in the closet. Well, we're here to keep you company. Maybe you're outside of the closet, far away, and you don't wanna talk about it anymore.
Well, too bad, that's all we're gonna talk about today.
I'... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Confirm_Statues_Humans_Closest_Nonliving_Relative | Marble, concrete, bronze, resin. A far cry from the genetic building blocks that make up modern day humans, or closer to us than you may think. That's what researchers at Oxford University are saying after a ten year study of inanimate species in natural and laboratory environments confirmed that statues are in fact hu... |
cracked | 7_true_stories_that_should_ve_already_been_made_into_movies_the_cracked_podcast | Hey everybody, thanks so much for coming out. Yeah, welcome to this live episode of the crack podcast you as well My name is Jack O'Brien. I am the editor-in-chief of crack and joining me on stage.
Mr. Michael sway Howdy, howdy, howdy That was why you pointedly refused to welcome me backstage. Yeah, I didn't realize y... |
dropout | sitting_behind_a_couple_at_the_movies | John stop it he's barely 20 years old don't bother mom I'll make my own I can't sell to you anymore man you're just a kid go home hey hey pipe down trying to watch the movie yes anything that will help you overcome your addictions and keep you off the streets no time like the present which is 1935 and geez I hope I'm s... |
ClickHole | what_do_these_college_seniors_wish_they_d_known_as_freshmen | What do I wish I'd known as a freshman? What do I wish I'd known when I was a freshman?
So much. Oh my god, anything.
I wish I would have known that it's okay to not know what you're going to study or why animals die when you look at them for too long. That even though college might seem like a restaurant, it's reall... |
cracked | why_trump_s_presidency_would_make_a_fantastic_tv_series_after_the_trump_1 | Cody Johnston. Carmen Angelica.
And we are thrilled to be back with you. Guys, season premiere blew me away. I know we've talked about this a little bit and some of you have some reservations but I was so excited. Just to catch our audience up to speed when last we left off the mid-season finale, Trump inexplicably wo... |
dropout | the_internet_goes_trick_or_treating | Oh happy Halloween snapchat costumes a little on the nose I'm a ghost yeah you sure are and I see Instagrams here too I'm a ghost I can see that yeah I like candy I like candy too okay well what kind of candy do you like snickers me too you're copying you're copying you're you're copying me you're copying you're copyin... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_bloater_brothers_at_shooters_saturday_night_live | Shoot it! Shoot it! yeah! everybody!
Okay. why don't I just give you guys two shots of Jager? Jager? I hardly know her. Jager's can't be choosers. allow me to introduce myself. I'm Wayne Blur. I'm his brother, Kit.
I bet you can't guess what we do for a living. you can. clean pods with your head. Oh, hi-oh! We calibr... |
SaturdayNightLive | jacob_silj_microsoft_court_battle_saturday_night_live | As we reported earlier, Federal District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Monday that software giant Microsoft, in fact, violated antitrust laws. What does this mean for the future of the company? What does this mean for consumers? Here now, Senior Economics fellow at the Brookings Institute in Washington, D.c.
Jac... |
cracked | the_horrifying_downside_to_being_a_superhero_s_brother | Good morning, Neil. How are you feeling today? Fine. Really? Nothing is bothering you? Nope. So you're content?
Look, Neil, I know that this is court-mandated therapy and you don't want to be here, but I really think this time could be good for you, okay? I really don't think so. Look, Neil, we can't leave this room u... |
dropout | precious_plum_honey_boo_boo_parody_series | My name is Plum, I'm 6 years old, and I'm a beauty queen. My momma take me around to pack it. Son of a bitch! She my precious Plum. Today, Plum completed being a little miss tiny tits in a parking lot of Waffle House outside of Chunky, Mississippi.
We got a 52 hour drive ahead of us, so it's like, fuck. Alright, let's... |
cracked | the_terrifying_fallout_of_the_final_fantasy_universe_8_bits | Every year countless children are killed or pass away. And every year thousands of those children are brought back to life with Phoenix down.
Recreational use of Phoenix down is now responsible for more than half of teen drug charges. P.D. Downes. Mr. Feeney, Stevie Nicks, Lazarus. Whatever you call it, Phoenix down s... |
SaturdayNightLive | secretaries_snl | Good boy. Well, Alan, I can't thank you enough for taking my case. Well, I figured you're always on my case. I may as well take yours. I am annoying. Mr. Cutchin, this is my secretary, Trudy. Hiya, boys. Happy Friday. Oh, life's easy when you have a secretary to think for you. Trudy, could you please pick up my. Cuban ... |
dropout | nerf_gun_control | Okay, guys, big day. We need to buckle down, buckle up, and buckle fuck.
What? Huh?
It's a live muckle buck. Hello! Nerf attack!
Oh, God, this is annoying. It feels like there's one of these every month.
Alright, Murph, give me the Nerf gun. Whoa, pants. You're just gonna take a co-worker's Nerf gun away? I'm sorry... |
TheOnion | expert_wasted_entire_life_studying_anteaters | You've tuned in at the right time because, guess what? It's time for Today Now's Critter Corner, and we're going to be talking all about anteaters. Hey, that's right, Tracy.
We're sitting down here with Dr. Franklin Kearns. He has just published the definitive book on anteaters, a complete anatomy, behavior, and histo... |
dropout | michael_showalter_begs_zach_galifianakis_for_money | You sent me an email every month and a half, with interest on the gas money and how much it was a few years ago and how much gas prices are now with a little bit of interest. Is that a joke? Forget about the interest stuff. I was annoyed that you hadn't gotten back to me, so forget about the interest part.
But yeah. I... |
dropout | bassists_look_too_bored_with_mark_hoppus | Basis, we need to talk about the problem. We have to stop looking so bored on stage when we play. Who's with me? Anyone opposed? All right, the motion carries. Let's take a look at something. What's going on here? I mean, does he even know that he's in The Who? In this, Dave Matthews Basis is bored performing in front ... |
SaturdayNightLive | lazy_sunday_snl_digital_short | Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon.
Call Parnell just to see how he's doin'. Hello, what up Parnell? No, Sam Burke, what's rockin'?' you thinkin'' what I'm thinkin'?' money up! money up! man, it's hatin'.
But first, my hunk of pain. I stick it like a doctor. He's hit up that don't get it back on some cupcakes... |
TheOnion | Romney_To_Travel_Back_In_Time_To_Kill_Liberal_Versions_Of_Himself | Later on in the hour, we'll look at how Pepsi's heavy campaign contributions are making refreshment a central issue of the election. But right now, a bold move from the Romney campaign. Mitt Romney announced he will travel back in time today to kill previous versions of himself responsible for liberal leaning policies ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Finding_An_Apartment | Searching for an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onion's tips for finding an apartment. First, wear your graduation robes. An unscrupulous Realtor isn't likely to take advantage of an educated and cultured college graduate. Rememb... |
SaturdayNightLive | i_didn_t_ask_for_this_saturday_night_live | Now it's time for I didn't ask for this. Hello, I'm Roger Sims, and welcome to I didn't ask for this, a show to support people whose lives have been ruined because of embarrassing videos of them on the internet. I'd like to take a second to introduce my producer, Pierre, because I couldn't do this show without him. my ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_69_Andrew_E_T_Ettingshausen | That's right, you're listening to the Betoota Advocate radio show with Clancy Overall and myself, Errol Parker. We've got a big show coming up, don't we, Clance? Yes, we do, Errol. Thanks for joining us today, listeners. We are coming live to you out of Baxter Boots Studio and Daru Street, downtown Betoota. We've got R... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_jam_the_vote_snl | Hey America, Andy Samberg here.
As we all know, we're coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, But what you might be surprised to know is that there are still tons of Americans that still aren't registered to vote. So we're gonna hit the streets and see if we can't teach people a thing or two a... |
dropout | Return_of_Streep_Alert_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or lau... |
dropout | heart_nouveau | Don't sit on my chips, don't sit on my chips, don't hush my mellow, we're on a road trip. Hey! You guys see this?
This cassette player? There's only one cassette for this player.
It's heart and uvah, baby. Prank it! My companies don't make shit like this anymore because they are afraid. But the kids, they love it. It... |
dropout | if_maury_povich_starred_dogs | Meet Roxy. She's here to find out who the father of her puppy's cocoa and sprinkles are. She thinks it could be her ex Vincent. Vincent thinks their neighbor Blade could be the father. Two dogs, two DNA tests, one father. Now Roxy thanks for coming out. Why is figuring out the father of your puppies so important to you... |
TheOnion | Pentagon_Reports_Army_Mascot_Liberty_Killed_in_Iraq | We have some sad news coming out of Iraq this morning where military officials are announcing the death of Liberty, the US Army's mascot, killed by a roadside bomb. The big, lovable dog became a national celebrity when he deployed in 2003 to raise the spirit of our soldiers overseas. Right, whether riling up soldiers i... |
dropout | visiting_a_friend | This College Humor original is sponsored by Neighbors from Hell. And you must be Steve's roommate. Great to finally meet you.
Come on in, you boys must be hungry. Yeah, I'm starving.
Oh, how do they live in this filth? It smells like a mothball's crotch in here. Hey, man, you mind taking your shoes off? Uh-huh, a no ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_donald_trump_indicted_snl | New York is finally cracking down on crime. former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels, and the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie because I'm deeply ashamed at how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, J... |
SaturdayNightLive | dr_jekyll_saturday_night_live | My fellow scientist, you may have noticed that my behaviour as of late has been erratic and occasionally disturbing. I, Dr. Jekyll, with the support of my dear wife, have decided that tonight it is time to reveal my secret to the world. Gentlemen, it is time you learnt of Mr. Hyde. I loosely discovered a serum that tra... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_we_got_her_a_cat_snl | Oh, look how cute she is. this was such a good idea. Getting catwoman a cat, Yeah, that's a perfect gift. classic, it's like classic style. it's truly classic, Yeah. Oh, cute cat.
Zoey's here to see you. Oh yeah, center on in. Hey, Zoey, they're ready for you. Okay, great, thanks. Hey guys, shut the door, Zoey, Shut t... |
cracked | the_40_worst_last_minute_halloween_costumes_on_the_internet_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I suffer from a rare neurological disorder called morbid procrastination. It means nothing that happens over 72 hours in the future is even remotely real to me. Does that make me terrible at adulthood... |
dropout | Make_Some_Noise_Season_3_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | I get to sit here like a little king. Entertain me! More, more, more! My gestures!
Mama! You got the spaghetti! Thank you, Mama! I'm 18!
Well, howdy doo doo boo da doo doo. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, shit! Oh, yeah! Wee! Ahh! Watch this. Oh, shit! No! Wait, boss it! Shit!
I bossed it! Are you ready to rumbl... |
dropout | clock_suckers | I'm just saying, the chemistry between Pat Morita and Ralph Macchio could have carried over in tons of other movies.
And I'm just saying, you have a serious learning disability. You're a learning disability.
Thanks for proving my point. All humans will be killed and proved.
Holy shit! What the hell is that thing?
A... |
dropout | Every_Dinosaur_Office_Ever_Compilation | Dinosaur Office, rawr! Hey Craig, how was your weekend? I was going to plan Azaleas, but the soil was too damp. I went to the hardware store instead just to browse. I've surprised you had that much free time.
I was here all weekend finishing my quarterly report. Oh no, the quarterly report!
I totally blanked. Terry i... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_will_the_xbox_one_suck | Personally, I think the Xbox One looks great. I'm just so sick of video game consoles being all about video games. $500 to be under constant surveillance? I already pay Verizon for that. $500? That's enough money to start a kid's college fund. Although, if I keep buying Xboxes, I'll never have kids. I think the real qu... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Group_Chat_Nick_Name_Change_Always_Funny_Local_Bloke_Gets_On_the_Soju_Alastair_Cook_s_At_it_A_ | My name is Errol Parker. Joining me this week in the studio is Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman Clancy is still in Thailand still learning how to defend himself from bullies still learning how to you know treat his body better. He is learning how to defend himself from bullies doing one of those fight camps and sending... |
cracked | some_news_special_report_this_boar_is_a_weapon_of_mass_destruction | The UK ambassador Lee Turner has been attacked by a wild boar. According to his blog, the diplomat to Austria was enjoying a quiet walk in the rain when the swole hog crossed his path multiple times, only to end up chasing him up a tree trunk and causing minor injuries. So today on some news, instead of chattering off ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_2_5_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | For the second week in a row, Clancy and I are running this because Wendell Hussey and Bruce Hitchcock are still on holidays. Yes, still on holidays as we said last week that we would be giving them extended time just so long as they're back on deck for the election, which is getting closer now.
In local news, we had ... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_marcello_hernandez_on_the_mlb_playoffs_snl | And once he gets to home plate, he thanks everyone he's ever encountered. he's like, thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from the Bodega that gave me that pajitas at one time. everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. I remember more laughs, to be honest.
I'm about to wa... |
SaturdayNightLive | anna_faris_monologue_hanna_garis_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Alma Powers. great to be hosting Saturday Night Live's Halloween show. you know, a lot of girls will dress up as sexy kittens for Halloween, but, you know, I hate that stuff. So I'm gonna go as the opposite of a sexy kitten. an old, sick horse. Yeah. this is actually my second time hosting. the fi... |
dropout | Announcing_Frozen_3_Based_on_the_Novel_Push_by_Sapphire_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. That's you. Oh no. Good evening. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News. It's the news show where we don't know what we're about to s... |
dropout | halo_spartan_heaven | Is anybody out there?
Blue team has the flag! I repeat, Blue team has the flag!
Stupid.
I feel so... peaceful. Come toward the light, my son.
Who is that? Is that...? What happened? Thank goodness you respawned, soldier. We're under heavy fire. Alright. I'm on my way to the stupid jumpy guy. Damn it! Where am I? Ar... |
dropout | celebrity_slumber_party_with_john_cho | Ice cream is who you marry. It's creamy, it's dependable. You fuck the shit out of cookies. Yeah, you must.
Hi, everyone, and welcome to my sleepover, where we have a new guest every week to play fun slumber party games. And as you know, you only invite your best friends to your sleepovers. So that's why this week I'm... |
dropout | When_Dumb_People_Agree_With_You | That's good exercise for me, thank you. My point is, we have to have universal background checks because the loopholes in the system are crazy. Totally agree. I agree in theory, but I just can't imagine what that infrastructure would look like.
Sorry to interrupt, Grant, what is on your burger? I'm telling you, grille... |
dropout | meeting_hitler_in_hell | See, this is fun and all, but it's nice to get away from it every once in a while. Hi! Welcome to TSI Mondays. We're every days a Monday.
Do you have a table for two? Ooh, we do actually, but it's made of snakes. Is that okay? If it's inside, I'm fine with snakes. I could do table snakes. Yeah.
Sorry. Hail Satan. I'm... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_97_Of_Tasmania_Now_In_Line_To_The_Danish_Throne_After_Princess_Mary_Becomes_Que_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin. We've since stopped doing the dailies because we just thought that we'd go bigger on the weekly and give you the best of.
You might hear a child hiccuping here. Errol's brought his g... |
cracked | why_supervillains_always_keep_the_good_guy_alive | William Blond, world's greatest detective.
I told you, I told you you'd pay for foiling Dr. Malice's plan. Unfortunately at the moment I'm a bit strapped for cash. That's all you want Blond, you're the one lying down on his back. Really, this is the exact position I had your pretty little assistant in not hours ago. I... |
dropout | why_engagement_rings_are_a_scam_adam_ruins_everything | You've made me the happiest man in the world. Emily, will you marry me? How sweet.
You like it, so you're putting a ring on it. But have you ever wondered why we put diamond rings on things we like at all? Oh God, you're going to tell us the awful truth about engagement rings, aren't you?
Yeah, I am. Hi, I'm Adam Con... |
SaturdayNightLive | eastern_district_student_saturday_night_live | Well, alarming as it may sound, thousands of American youngsters go to school each day carrying firearms. We spoke to one such student from Eastern District High School in Brooklyn. yeah, well, the first time I brought a gun to school was in seventh grade, you know? I was playing with it during class, right? and the te... |
SaturdayNightLive | try_guys_snl | Welcome to Cnn today. I'm Laura Fields. let's go right to the White House with our very own Colin O'dearty. Colin? Thanks, Laura. President Biden just reiterated his steadfast support for Ukraine after last night. I'm sorry, I'm just hearing. Colin? Colin, is everything okay?
And that's confirmed. Okay, yes.
Sorry, L... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Independence_Day_Resurgence | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Independence Day Resurgence, a follow-up to the 1996 blockbuster about humanity's attempt to fend off an alien invasion, and a film that serves as a triumphant testament to the progress our country has made in recognizing service members'... |
SaturdayNightLive | bob_saget_with_the_importance_of_fast_saturday_night_live | All right, settle down, settle down, okay? we're behind, all right? But this meet is not over. Now I've been coaching track a long time, All right? and I know we can win if we stick to our original game plan, All right? Now, Luke, you got the 1,500 meters coming up. Yeah, Coach. Okay, now the Trinity team's got some re... |
cracked | alexfromtarget_vs_alexfromcracked_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, it's Alex with another So that's it, huh? It's really what you sons of bitches want I refuse to let crack be less famous than a kid blowing his minimum wage on hair products So while it's nice Alan talked to Alex from Target, I think it's time she talked to Alex from Cracked Okay, Alex, how old are you? I'... |
TheOnion | America_s_Best_Kisser_America_s_Best_Ep_6 | Pucker up the judges are looking for America's best kisser. Will one of these toads kiss like a prince? Hi there. What's your name? My name is James, and I am going to be America's best kisser Hey There's a lot of cash in here. I Like this guy already.
Let's see what you got Well, I don't think so. Oh no You can't ope... |
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