section stringclasses 14
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dropout | hardly_working_bug | Give me a bug. A bug?
Troy, get back, Sarah.
You okay? No, I'm not okay. You just destroyed my computer. How am I supposed to work? You're hysterical. I'm not.
Get Sarah a glass of water. She's all bugged. She's freaking out. God help us.
Where is it? Don't worry. I killed it.
Sarah's in shock though. Not in shock... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_arcade | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff, this is Pat. We are at Arcade UFO in Austin with the owner Ryan and this was the winner of Stridegum's Save the arcades campaign. Arcade UFO is home to some of the most cutting edge new arcade games. Many of them imported from Japan and many of them very challenging. And you can tell b... |
SaturdayNightLive | gym_call_snl | Girl, I am hurting right now. I'm taking up Battle Ropes class at this high intensity training gym and this morning's class was so brutal. wait, ugh, I left my bag at the gym.
I'll call you right back. Hello? Hi, is this Shred Zone gym? Yeah. oh, okay. sorry, I was confused because businesses don't usually answer the ... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_dr_ruth_adams | To be a 1980s yuppie, did you have to qualify as a wanker first and then just work your way up? I think some people identified as yuppies but it was also, I think, used as an insult in the 1980s. I've seen footage of yuppies holding filofaxes and mobile phones.
Are they still in that footage? Where are they now? Well,... |
cracked | f_k_batman_why_gotham_would_hate_the_caped_crusader | Yo, yo, lotta rappers come out talkin' about growin' up was rough and whatever I'ma tell you about my hometown right now, here we go Yo, will you real jeans who bleed Compton?
You'd need to feed in the streets of my hometown Gotham You'd get blown to flotsam, it's not some soft-so-big-city bullshit Like Metropolis, ho... |
dropout | cupid_is_out_of_work | Well this sucks. It's Valentine's Day and thanks to all these stupid online dating sites and social networks, nobody needs my help anymore. I can't stay up here any longer. I'm starting to get a little lonely.
Right, Cloud Girlfriend? What's that, Cloud Girlfriend?
If I purposely break up all those couples, then they... |
cracked | movies_secretly_told_from_the_perspective_of_one_character_after_hours | OK, Katie, Michael, Daniel, and the gang. Soren makes four, Ren. Tammy, Tamini Halls of Medicine.
She knows her name. It's called a memory palace. She'll get it. She called you name-sy, guy. You want it so badly, it's distracting. This is supposed to be our cheers, where everyone knows my name.
Really? I always got m... |
TheOnion | Solo_A_Star_Wars_Story_Producer_Points_Out_All_The_Cameos_Made_By_The_Film_s_Kickstarter_Donors | I'm a driver, and I'm a flyer. I waited a long time for a shot like this.
Hi, I'm Stephen Randall, and I'm one of the producers of Solo, a Star Wars story. This movie follows Han Solo's early days in the Star Wars universe. I could honestly say it could not have been made without our amazing fans and all of their dona... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_seducing_women_through_chess_saturday_night_live | Chess. for centuries, it's confounded men and aroused women. tonight, I'll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome to seducing women through chess. there is no greater joust of the mind in the game of chess. each move represents thousands of choices, made or unmade. And the game, much like the mind of a woman,... |
cracked | 5_reasons_homeland_is_the_most_sexist_show_on_tv_with_snl_s_noel_wells_today_s_topic | Ah! Check it out. James Bond marathon on Turner Classic this weekend. We could wear our pajama tuxes. Like I need a reason to. Pass. Oh, and by the way, I'm not available for sleepovers in my gym jams. Fine. You know, James Bond is sexist tripe anyway. Maybe. You said a homeland marathon. Ha! Ah! No.
Homeland's depict... |
ClickHole | this_man_says_a_series_of_offensive_statements_and_then_stands_there_so_that_you_can_yell_at_him | Fact, the murder rate for illegal immigrants is ten times higher than that of American citizens. Fact, if a woman dresses a certain way, then she's asking for it, and she'll get whatever's coming to her. I'm not afraid to say it. I'm racist. But that's okay because I admit that I'm racist.
I think voter registration s... |
dropout | amir_s_harold_and_kumar_stories | I think the most memorable part of the movie-making experience for me was the woman on set known as the baby whisperer, and to explain what that is, I sort of have to go into the plot a little bit. Basically, there's a two-year-old in the movie who has to act out certain things as though she's intoxicated in some way. ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_guys_who_came_up_with_dubai | Roadhouse, roadhouse, roadhouse. Miss you.
Okay, Dubai, new city, no bad ideas, go. Okay, buildings, good start. Yeah, that's good. What kind of buildings? Big buildings. Yes. I love it, keep it coming. Medium buildings.
Sure. Great. Yeah, yeah.
What about the biggest building in the world?
Yeah, that's good. I'm p... |
dropout | Old_Rude_Donkey_s_Flamin_Anus_Hot_Sauce_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Su... |
dropout | the_poop_chipper_scene_from_coffee_town | He's a dick. I gotta do this for your friend. He's not. What do you mean? You don't know him? This is what I do know, okay?
I went into that bathroom right there a couple days ago, took out very adult shit, Lave some very heavy skin marks. I leave, he goes in. When he leaves, I go back in to wash my hands. Wait, wait,... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_haircuts | This is the Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. So put down that bag of chips and listen up. Today, we're going to learn how to give ourselves a haircut, so we're going to have to spend a fortune on some fancy schmancy haircut ... |
SaturdayNightLive | flight_announcement_saturday_night_live | Not believe our vacation is over. I know now we have to go back home to Hawaii.
Ladies and gentlemen, you could just stay seated with your seatbelts fastened. It's gonna be a bumpy ride for a little bit. Okay, okay, thank you. Better buckle up ladies and gentlemen. it's me again. The pilot has just informed me that we... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nicholas_fehn_saturday_night_live | Here now with his own satiric take on the week's top stories. Political comedian Nicholas Fain, Thank you so much. For those of you who aren't familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today's newspapers, and I provide my own sort of skewed view just off the top of my head.
So let's get to it. Great, A... |
ClickHole | clickhole_presents_the_peel | In high school, I would get made fun of every time I undressed in the locker room and everyone saw that my legs were just bones. I tried explaining to them that it was because I was baptized in a pool that had a piranha in it and the piranha ate all the meat off my legs, but nobody ever listened. Instead, they made fun... |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office | I don't even know if I can bring it up. I can speak that. No, that's the problem. All right, all right, all right, let's apply, people. Hey, hey, listen to me.
There's a new strand right out of Maui. And honestly, it's the smoothest thing I've ever seen.
And we've got our Hawaii correspondent on it, but he's going to... |
cracked | the_new_cars_movie_looks_dark_as_hell_cracked_responds | You ready to watch Cars 3? I am so ready to watch Cars 3, the least good Pixar movie. We should probably point out that we've watched the entire series this weekend. We watched the entire series to gear up for this trailer just so we could speak intelligently about the Cars universe.
Okay. This looks like super realis... |
cracked | 8_local_news_segments_gone_horribly_wrong_cracked_tv | First best live Good evening Welcome to cracked action news where stories will always involve molesting after the break We'll be discussing which pet shampoos could be molesting your kids But right now we're going to clip Takamura for the latest on that molested beaver clip clip You are a card if you're wondering why o... |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_brogan_is_born_snl | Okay, Wendy. Okay, one more push should do it. come on, honey, breathe. breathe, honey, breathe, breathe, honey. almost here. Wow, he's a big fella. I can see his head. here he comes. here he comes.
Oh, my God. what? what? what is it? What?
Oh! it was hot in there. Geez louise, that was rough. Thanks, Doc. you really... |
SaturdayNightLive | little_league_trade_saturday_night_live | Hey, Billy, come on down right away, huh? do you want to see me, Dad? yeah, come on, sit down, son. big game today, Dad. I can't wait to play. Yeah, come on over here. that's what I want to talk to you about. Yeah, we're going to beat these guys today. you'll see. Man, I want to talk to you about a little something mor... |
ClickHole | this_man_facebook_friended_a_guy_he_used_to_bully_and_invited_him_to_like_sublime | My name is Evan Gladstone. I'm 32 years old, and in high school, I was a bully. The kid that I was definitely the cruelest to was David Abrams. David and I were in the same graduating class, and I gave him a really hard time. I attacked him, physically and verbally, for four whole years. I'm sure I made him afraid to g... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_230_Cameron_James_Alexei_Toliopoulos_Finding_Yeezus | Errol Parker's in here with me. How are you Errol?
Good mate, the season's changed. I've put the heenie away for another winter. He doesn't mind the peaked beanie, like we're talking 2004 hilltop hoods beanie. Wow. See people laugh but it does get quite cold out here in the Diamantina Shire, but the sun doesn't go awa... |
TheOnion | New_PS4_Feature_Allows_User_To_Close_Eyes_And_Imagine_Really_Fun_Game | Touting it out as the future of immersive gaming technology, Sony representatives at this week's E3 unveiled their latest update for the PlayStation 4, a feature called Interplay that allows gamers to close their eyes and imagine that they're playing a really fun game. With Interplay on PS4, all gamers have to do is ho... |
TheOnion | NASA_Continues_Search_For_Planet_Capable_Of_Supporting_NASA | Following today's press conference in which NASA announced its continuing search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, researcher Dr. Kenneth Heiser sat down with Onion reporters to detail their ongoing mission to find a NASA habitable planet. Our objective is to find a planet capable of nurturing not just life, but... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Big_Decision_The_Great_Resignation_More_November_19 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, we're hoping you're enjoying the silly season, the heat is finally upon us, things are looking up after a fucking ordinary year for a lot of you, Queensland of course has remained th... |
cracked | 4_movie_tropes_that_become_insane_if_you_swap_genders_yboc_dceu_rom_coms_film_noir | Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding, and you're watching another episode of Your Brain on Cracked, the only show on the internet not afraid to ask the types of hard-hitting questions that inevitably lead to hard-hitting penis joke answers. And the only show on Cracked, where my eyelashes just look like this, ... |
dropout | dr_manhattan_s_pants | This city is a festering limb. And we're its only prosthesis. You're late, Manhattan. I'm afraid things are more dire than Rorschach asserts. Earth is on a path toward nuclear annihilation unless we intervene.
Right. Manhattan, why don't you throw in some clothes and we'll get to work. That won't be necessary. Of cour... |
TheOnion | Blockbuster_Offers_Glimpse_Of_Movie_Renting_Past | A new tourist destination in Auburn Hills, Michigan, is showing visitors the difficulties life held for Americans in the past. Blockbuster Video aims to transport visitors to a time before the internet as an historically authentic recreation of a video store, a specialty shop where customers exchanged money for the sho... |
cracked | why_no_man_s_sky_reminds_us_of_our_existential_nightmare_escort_mission | Oh, so this is for you. You can toss it. Some of these are bills, man. Or pay my bills, whatever. It's all meaningless bullshit, anyway. Just put your little slabs of carbon wherever you want on the larger slab of carbon.
Hey, hey, hey, come here, man. Come here, buddy.
No, no. Get your carbon off of me.
Oh. So what... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Heartbroken_Tradies_South_Africans_An_NRL_Player_Learns_To_Read_29_0_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin. It's a big week. Rugby league is back. There's a lot going on and lockdown restrictions are loosening.
My name's Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and I'm joined today... |
cracked | old_timey_movies_scarier_than_anything_made_today | If you're anything like us, you don't find yourself getting particularly frightened by old horror movies. Look at these a**holes. A movie about walking to 7-Eleven by yourself would be more terrifying. Okay, he looks pretty suspicious. Hollywood isn't exactly telling the most bone-chilling tales these days, either.
Te... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_10_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Del, there's been a bit of commotion down there in Sydney this week. Hasn't there ever, Bruce? The gambling-sponsored state of New South Wales is currently the scene of a fierce debate over controversial plans to use Australia's most iconic piece of architecture, the Sydney Opera House, as a billboard. This comes after... |
Wizards_with_Guns | poor_people_in_every_teen_dystopian_movie | Whoa. There it is. President Senator's big tower. It's even thicker than it was in my dream.
Come on. If we leave now, we can make it by crust fall. Joffert? I'm not going, Payson.
What? Why? We've come so far, I don't- I don't understand.
I'm not a fancy top-towner like you. I grew up in the Underhole. I didn't hav... |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un_part_4_kim_jong_un_vs_psy | The Adventures of Kim Jong Un No theme song is ever good enough for Kim Jong Un Many singers have died at the hands of Kim Jong Un Oh god he's coming please come help me they're holding me Kim Jong Un Kim Jong Un Today's episode, take great deceit review and many wrongs righted or Sayonara, singers I love Gangnam Style... |
dropout | the_secret_of_hbo_go | I'm really into Game of Thrones, and I have an episode DVR'd at home, so winter is coming. So long. Wait, wait, wait, actually, you don't need to leave because I have HBO Go, which is like HBO, except it's on your laptop, although you still need a password to use it. That sounds illogical. It is.
Don't move.
I'll gra... |
cracked | we_ruined_john_wick_with_math | In just three movies, John Wick kills some 299 goons, 77 in the first one, 128 in the second one, and 94 in chapter three. If you stumbled across that many bodies in an open field, you'd be horrified, but the magic of action movies is you forget about all those nameless dead people the moment they vanish from the scree... |
dropout | clock_suckers_the_cold_shoulder | I had a little situation of my own I had to take care of. What?
Ugh. God dammit, Kate. I better not catch a cold from this asshole.
Well it's over. She has moved on. I guess it's time for the old murder-suicide. Hey, that's the spirit! Alright, we're gonna go talk to Mrs. Claus and see what we can do. Ah.
Pete. Pete... |
dropout | just_admit_i_look_bad | Take a pic, I want my ex to see I have a job. A job!
Corner! Over here! Come on! Ready?
Land!
Ooh, this is a nice one of you, Janey. Why is it Janey?
You are hot! Oh my god, I look terrible! Can we take another? Oh, stop being self-conscious, you look hot. I'm gonna post it. No, you're just saying that because you ... |
cracked | why_disney_marriages_never_work_beauty_and_the_beast_parody | Hello, my sexy beast. Guess where I was?
The West Wing. The forbidden West Wing.
Don't you want to punish me? Tomorrow. I promise. I just need to get this done tonight. The staff are breathing down my throats about payment.
Okay. It's fine. Totally fine. Don't be like that. Must be more to this provincial life. Alri... |
dropout | road_trip_3_the_live_show_presented_by_fiat | deafening applause, deafening applause, and I come down from the the wire like with the wings Do you want to get started? Let's do this ready Thank you guys, thanks so much. Thanks for coming our first ever live show in Boston For those of you don't know Jake and I are I Don't want to say best friends cuz we're not cuz... |
ClickHole | behind_the_scenes_at_clickhole_our_daily_routine | Hello, I'm Samuel Rage, and I'm Chief Digital Officer of ClickHole.com. Here at ClickHole, we often get letters from people asking us, what is it like to work at a website? What is your daily routine? Well, I'll tell you. Here's what a typical day looks like at ClickHole.com. ClickHole's offices are located in the hear... |
Wizards_with_Guns | grandpa_s_last_words | What's wrong with his mouth? That's involuntary. It's the medicine doing its thing. And his hands? Is that normal? I mean, he's dying. It's all part of the process.
I'd say your goodbyes sooner than later. I think he's trying to say something. Go on, Thomas. Go say hi to grandpa. Hm. Hey. Hey, grandpa. I'm... Sorry, I... |
SaturdayNightLive | immigrant_dad_talk_show_snl | Welcome, welcome to the Immigrant Dad Talk show. This is the show where we're talking about our children, the good ones, and the sons as well. I am Joaquin Antonio, and with me as always is Hamid Ahmed, Mahmud. Hamdulillah, I am grateful for everything Allah has given me, except my son. Amen, Amen. You know what my son... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_laser_cats_4_ever_snl | Hey Lauren, you're busy. No, no, Come in. Oh great. You know I get a little tired of this amateur night stuff. So some film people and I went out and shot a short video that I'd like to air. Would that be okay? Oh Steve, whatever you want, Great Lauren.
I present to you Lizard cat laser cats in the future. There was a... |
TheOnion | Facebook_Employees_Explain_Struggling_To_Care_About_Company_s_Unethical_Practices_When_Gig_So_Cushy | I've worked for Facebook for years, but lately things have been pretty rough. I struggle to understand a company's behavior every day. The scandals just keep coming. We're still learning about the impact Facebook had on the 2016 election. It doesn't look good. Are we continuing to cause irrevocable damage to civilized ... |
dropout | clock_suckers_game_over | 🎵Labsuckers!🎵 🎵Raising the time to save the day🎵 🎵Labsuckers!🎵 🎵YEAH!🎵 This week's episode, game over. You'll never guess what I've got in this box. Uh, you hooked up Atari, Nintendo, and Sega into one ultimate machine. How'd you know that? Dude, I helped you put it together all day yesterday. Then you drank fo... |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_hello_my_name_is_barq_dogg | Welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and this is how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Today's makeup artist once again is Hannah.
Hannah are you ... |
dropout | sex_scandal_resignations_through_history | I'm here today to again apologize for the personal mistakes I have made and the embarrassment I have caused. I make a apology to my neighbors and constituents, but I make it particularly to my wife. My private conduct has been a disappointment to my family, my nation, and myself. So I am resigned in my position, effect... |
dropout | the_ultimate_game_of_thrones_recap | Hey guys, Game of Thrones is almost back, but a lot has happened so far. Here's what you need to know to catch up. Game of Thrones is set on medieval earth, on the continent of West Eros, which lies across the narrow sea from East Eros. Our story begins when Ed Stirk kills Robert Baratheon, also known as the Mad King, ... |
cracked | 3_movie_and_tv_show_relationships_that_make_no_sense_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel Joseph Nicholas O'Brien, which, yes, means you can call me DJ Knobbed if you want, and welcome to a brand new episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that talks about pop culture so much that it practically screams this host doesn't have a girlfriend. Too real.
Today's epi... |
dropout | stage_names_2 | I'm thinking of changing my name. Didn't you already change your name to danger of sandwich and then kill yourself?
Celebrities do it all the time. Like who? Tony Danza, for instance. He was born Anthony LaDanza. What about Iggy Pop? Ignatius Pop Secret. Madonna. Michael Edward Donna.
Magic Johnson. Magic Jordan. Hal... |
SaturdayNightLive | lauren_hutton_wants_eddie_murphy_snl | Yes. Lauren, it's me, Eddie Murphy. Oh, Eddie, good. come in. Hello, Lauren. Hi. Hi, Eddie. how you doing? what's up? nothing. how'd you start? you got some time?
Yeah, I got a couple minutes left. Well, I just wanted to tell you something. and that is that.
You're a star. you are a real star. Oh, thank you. I apprec... |
dropout | the_guy_who_listens_by_interrupting_you | Hey Murph! Hey Ronathon, I heard you're having trouble with your computer. Yeah, thanks for coming down. Okay, so what seems to be the problem?
So every time I try to get online it's asking me for an admin password, but it shouldn't need a password to get onto the internet, and I should already have admin privileges o... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Megan_Pustetto_So_Dramatic | Now we've been in this game for a while, our listeners would know that. Been years we've been into it. Yep.
Everything hasn't been around that long, you know, as a consistent medium in Australia for that long. There hasn't been many weekly shows in Australia for that long. I still think it's a fad. Many people do, inc... |
dropout | why_the_electoral_college_ruins_democracy_adam_ruins_everything | Every four years, we hear the words Electoral College over and over again, but we never talk about what a ridiculous and, frankly, undemocratic system it really is. The Electoral College gives vastly more power to different voters depending on which state they live in. Bigger states. Nope. Smaller states. If your state... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_almost_pizza_snl | Mmm, pizza. I Didn't hear the delivery guy pull up. That's because it's not delivery. Really? And It's not exactly pizza, either. It's almost pizza. Come On, that's pizza. Nope, it's very nearly pizza, but not quite. It's almost pizza. See? Come On, let's eat. So It's tofu pizza, or something like that? No, you could p... |
dropout | high_ted_talks | one-third of Americans are obese two-thirds are overweight let me tell you a story a few years ago my dog was fat my vet told me to feed him less I did he lost weight lightning bolt humans should feed each other I pour food in your bowl you pour food in mine oops I'm getting fat feed me less dude I'm for real I think t... |
dropout | this_system_beat_the_ps4_and_xbox_one | Hey guys, I'm Pat. I'm Owen.
All three big next-gen video game systems are out on the market right now And a lot of you guys have been emailing us asking which one's the best. So we got our hands on all three And today we're gonna put them to the test The Xbox one has some really great exclusives like Dead Rising 3 an... |
dropout | wild_american_eagle_models | My name is Greg Treschuck. I'm a freelance nature photographer and I'm here to shoot the rare American Eagle model. This is some really great stuff. These are all my work. Models aren't that hard to find once you know where to look.
Fields, beaches, alone, beaches together in couples at night. I tried taser, rat poiso... |
cracked | after_hours_6_movies_whose_timelines_don_t_add_up | Did that one. We did that one. We did this one.
You're considered throwing the old ones away. They're beginning to smell weird.
It's the musk of companionship. It's the musk of a lot of things. Hey! Speaking of musk-smelling things, what ever happened to Ripley's cat in the Aliens franchise? Mmm, Jonesy.
She leaves ... |
cracked | 6_movie_fight_moves_that_make_no_damn_sense | No one goes to action movies for realistic fighting because realistic fights are all dirt humping arrest records and embarrassing hand casts But when a movie drifts too far in a fantasy we end up with something that looks more like a college freshman's interpretive dance Choreography than anything that could realistica... |
SaturdayNightLive | neil_and_jean_glenn_and_their_first_super_bowl_snl | Well, uh, here we are. Yeah, Iggy's Sports bar. It's too bad that the Lily Pad Cafe was closed, but I'm sure the tea and toast here will be just as good. this place is on my speed-walking route, but I never had the nerve to come in. What happened? did you go to the Nerve Store?
Jane, good joke. let's find some chairs.... |
TheOnion | Landmark_Supreme_Court_Decision_Lets_Americans_Cram_Cash_Directly_Into_Politicians_Mouths | US Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage Forbes releases the 2014 list of the most punchable CEOs and a smooth operator is also a forklift operator. Punching over your computer screen as you squint at a two minute video summary you must be wondering, could this be heaven? No, this is the Onion Week in Review. In... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_new_super_mario_wii | Friends, you're watching Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Amir Blumenfeld, Pat Castle and stand-up comedian Baron Vaughn. Today we are playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii, a Mario game that four people can play at once. Now you guys might not have heard of him, but Mario is this video game character who's a plumbe... |
cracked | some_of_our_favorite_dark_jokes_in_it_s_always_sunny | He is at our bar right now drinking himself to death. If he dies, we get money. I'm gonna buy a gun because I'm the man of the house. It should be able to end his life if he's a woman of the year. He can't stop it. So should we get the dead h**k out of your poor man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of your concern?
Did you f**k... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_doppleganger_snl | Oh my God. that guy over there totally looks like you will. What? Where? over there on the bench. that guy? no way. he doesn't look like me. doesn't it look like him? it looks like him. I mean, you have to imagine him without the mustache, but he's a dead ringer. Okay, I guess so. that's pretty good. Okay, Seth, I'm go... |
cracked | cracked_classic_worst_terrorist_ever | Oh, the American people, I addressed these words to you today in regards to the murder of our former leader, our martyr, Osama bin Laden. You wished for retribution against us, but you will receive nothing short of swift revenge instead of that. Oh, the American people, is it recording?
What? Yes. Are you sure? Yes, y... |
cracked | the_9_most_idiotic_reasons_people_use_car_horns | Oh, hi, I didn't see you come in. Set up lights and a camera and then yell action. How embarrassed I must be. I'm here to talk to you about honking. I know, I know, Snoozeville. But what else were you gonna do? Take an online quiz to see which WKRP and Cincinnati character you are?
Spoiler alert, it's f***ing any of t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Demand_A_Suss_Resignation_Gladys_Hits_The_Town_More_October_8 | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Weekly Batooter Bulletin, hope you're enjoying yourselves right around the country. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall, The Batooter Advocate, Edward Large, Errol Parker's here as well.
G'day Errol. G'day Clanc... |
dropout | guy_gives_100_to_a_homeless_person_and_ | Hi, I'm Paul Adiero, and this is Man of the Streets. Today, we're changing someone's life. That someone is a homeless person, and we're giving them $100 of my own money to make their day. Let's go find our homeless person. Nope, definitely not homeless. Not homeless. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Homeless person.
How ar... |
SaturdayNightLive | jarret_s_room_2_saturday_night_live | Hey dudes, if you're logging on for the first time, my name is Jarrett. I've been a junior here for the past two years at Hampshire College, or as I like to call it, Hampshire College. I live in the third floor of Lima Hall in a sweet three-man overlooking the Quad, and I do this webcast every 24-7, 365. the only time ... |
dropout | U2_Gets_Me_Too_d_At_a_Scooby_Doo_Read_Through_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Ch... |
dropout | the_girl_who_makes_every_disaster_about_her | I'm telling you, in 2016, sloths are over. It's all about capybaris. No, no, I still think sloths are funny.
Oh, my God. A train just crashed near Paris. 35 people died. Oh, my God.
I was just in Paris, like, two days ago. That is crazy. It could have been me. That is crazy, Sophia.
Are you okay? You're fine.
You w... |
cracked | the_insane_full_house_theory_that_might_be_true | As you binge watch every season of Full House to get pumped up for the upcoming holy sh** third season of Fuller House in which all your unanswered questions about the Tanner family will be addressed you may notice something odd about the sitcom's premise. The show follows the recently widowed Danny Tanner who in order... |
SaturdayNightLive | cowards_saturday_night_live | Chris, Chris, what are you doing back here in the makeup room? you're supposed to be on stage for the Army Sketch. what's wrong? I don't know, Steve. I think it's nerves. nerves?
Oh, you know what you are? you're nothing but a coward! It's Chris Farley. he's nothing but a damn coward. he's not fit to wear that fake ar... |
TheOnion | Tim_Tebow_Becomes_First_Bad_Quarterback_To_Lead_4th_Quarter_Comeback | Get out of my face because it's haunted, I'm Kenny Kennedy. And I'm Doug Brooks dressed as Kenny Kennedy for Halloween.
Boo. You look nothing like me. Where's your costume? That's just a grease stained sweatshirt. I'm dressed as Bill Belichick. That's not true. You wore that yesterday.
The New Orleans Saints just sco... |
dropout | For_the_Last_Time_This_Temple_Is_Not_a_Restaurant | I want to eat the food. I want to eat the food I want to eat. I want to live in a human being. I don't want to be a human being. I want to eat the food I want to eat.
Park Jang Mi will tell you that she's not a chef, Her food screams, Pak Shan Mee is a chef. She is the best chef in the world.
I don't know if it's lik... |
cracked | classic_video_game_premises_explained | Morning, brothers. Here's the skinny. Invaders are still making bread. I told you, man. Aliens, man. That's what they were.
A boy's in Namco workin' on a game that'll provide some real perspective on the inherent hypocrisy and tragedy of Vietnam. What's it called? Diggin' for truth? The man who dug his own grave.
Oh,... |
dropout | all_nighter_first_aid | College Hebrews is all-nighter! Bring it in! Bring it!
I am your first aid instructor. I've been in several hundred violent accidents in the past year alone, so I am very qualified.
Two questions. Weren't you our fire marshal and didn't you die? Questions at the end.
Now in the event, someone is choking like a volun... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_08_6_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
Beginning with ... |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_peggy_zellers_saturday_night_live | You're watching the Game Show Network. at 10, it's verb hurdles. But first, secret Word. it's time to play the game. The Stars play. Secret word with your host, Lyle Round.
Hello! hello! I'm Lyle Round. my wife is in the hospital having her baby. good luck to you. So, why don't we meet our first guest. she's better kn... |
SaturdayNightLive | snipers_saturday_night_live | All right you pansies. You've trained ten weeks for this moment. You want to be snappers.
Yes, sir. You think you've got what it takes? Yes, sir. Hear this. You do Not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order. Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger. 100% Is t... |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_6_the_end_is_nigh | Type is to Mission Control. Do you copy? Mission Control, we have succeeded in our secret mission to find alien life. They have requested that we meet them on their home planet made entirely of water slides. But let's not tell the kids on Earth. This one's for us.
Is this the channel for Silverton Elementary School? I... |
cracked | the_6_weirdest_fan_tributes_to_mario_brothers_cracked_tv | Hey, everybody! Welcome to episode 9 of Crack TV, sponsored by the Wisconsin Association of Inuit Mechanics. They're a small group, but we appreciate the support. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Women I Find Sexually Intimidating.
Wow, you look really nice today, Clippy. You look cute in a teddy.
Since hi... |
cracked | bodies_bodies_bodies_review_aka_oops_all_final_girls | Hello, welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse, because I think my other co-host, Allie, is either maybe getting married or will at some point be married, and I didn't write it d... |
dropout | horror_movie_daycare | Hi, I'm Catherine Daisy. I'm the director at Happy Dreams Daycare. We offer a welcoming environment for all children regardless of any personal or supernatural issues they may have at home. We don't use words like slow or possessed or antichrist. Happy Dreams Daycare is a place where kids can just be kids.
Danny, do y... |
ClickHole | these_people_s_stories_of_paranormal_experiences_will_terrify_you | My wife and I had just moved into a new home, and we couldn't have been more excited. But after our very first night living there, I found all the furniture in the living room turned upside down. All my pictures were upside down too, and so was my wife.
That's when I realized that it was actually me being held upside ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_pete_davidson_says_goodbye_for_now_snl | Well, guys, it is the final episode of the season. here to talk about it is Pete Davidson. hello, Colin and Che and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye. Yeah. Pete, you've had a weird year. yeah, a little bit. yeah.
I just, uh, I never imagined this would be my life, you know? I mean, look at m... |
cracked | some_news_donald_trump_fires_james_comey_the_rock_might_run_for_president_more | Hello you, I am a news person and here is some news. Dove has come out with a new campaign in which a line of body wash has different size and shape bottles for body positivity. The outside of the bottles are meant to reflect the diversity of women's bodies while the eventual contents of the bottles are meant to reflec... |
dropout | obama_pardoned_the_turkey_that_killed_my_family | What are you laughing at? Oh, nothing.
Just this video of Obama pardoning a turkey named Butterball. Butterball? Butterball. Are you sure it was Butterball?
Yeah. What's wrong? That's the turkey that killed my family. No, it's just a fun tradition. No.
In March of 2012, I testified that Butterball was running an org... |
dropout | How_Did_YOU_Get_On_Raya | Katie, you eat soup. It's a liquid. You drink soup. What about a hearty soup? Aren't you doing a lot of chewing and, therefore, a lot of eating?
I cannot deal with this. Tao, can you please tell Grant that he has no idea how verbs work? Tao, can you please tell Katie that she's a raging moron?
Huh? Oh, sorry. I just ... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_laser_cats_5_snl | Thanks for meeting me. I really appreciate it. James, of course, and congratulations on Avatar. you know, there was sections of it that reminded me of Three Amigos. you picked up on that. that's great.
Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase, okay? I've got my next project all ready to go, and I think it's gonna be perfect f... |
TheOnion | Tensions_Mount_After_North_Korea_Destroys_All_Of_Asia | Well, tensions with North Korea continued to mount today after the rogue nation destroyed the entire continent of Asia in a move analysts say could affect the diplomatic climate in the region. According to the Pentagon, the impact of detonating nuclear weapons across the continent on the already strained relations betw... |
TheOnion | Old_Grizzled_Third_Party_Candidate_Threatens_McCain_s_Base | John McCain is facing new competition on the campaign trail Jane Carmichael has details in the war for the White House election analysis bunker Jane Thank You Andrea a new third-party presidential candidate is cutting into John McCain's base of support Attracting voters who feel McCain is not grizzled and ornery enough... |
SaturdayNightLive | dateline_real_life_crimes_saturday_night_live | Tonight, at 10, on Dateline Nbc, a Keith Morrison special Investigation. real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations. Sarah Hallerman's boyfriend was into drugs and get him mixed up with some gang bangers. but one night, he just didn't come home. I looked for him for weeks and weeks. finally, the poli... |
dropout | guy_fieri_at_hogwarts | Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri. You know what we always say here on Triple D? If it's funky, we'll find it. Well, the bunch of you wrote and told me I just had to come check out this place, Hogwarts. Woah! We're there doing potions their way. Now let's meet the man cooking up all the potions here at Hogwarts, Severus Sna... |
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