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dropout | ch_live_nyc_high_times_vs_engineering_students | Anyway, we want to do something for stoners and, you know, celebrating stoner culture. And one of those stoner stereotypes that we just love is their ability to build a type or a bong out of just whatever is laying around.
So we thought we would put that to the test tonight and pit two teams, two very qualified teams ... |
wearethesundayblues | jack_finn_harries_chat_sandwich_episode_2_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Sure, that is a flippin' big sandwich. I've seen bigger. Well hi there folks! Welcome to episode two of Chat Sandwich.
My name's Nick and even though I've won three Olympic gold medals, I still microwave my own popcorn. I'm Gareth. And my mom thin... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_harry_caray_on_the_1997_world_series_snl | All the 1997 World Series began tonight with the Marlins beating the Indians 7-4. Joining us on weekend update with an analysis of each team is a baseball legend and a dear, dear friend. please welcome Hall of Fame broadcaster, Harry Carey. Hey, Harry. hey, Harry. Hi, everybody. Harry Carey here. I got to tell you, fol... |
TheOnion | Authorities_On_Alert_As_Hundreds_Of_Crazed_Sociopaths_Enter_Congressional_Chambers | Federal authorities are currently on high alert in Washington, D.C., following reports that hundreds of crazed sociopaths infiltrated the congressional chambers this morning. Mary Canley, a Capitol employee who managed to escape the House chambers as the myriad unhinged men and women entered, described the troubling sc... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_236_Richie_Merzian | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Now welcome back to the Batooda Advocate podcast. My name is Wendell Hussey, Errol Parker is sitting alongside me today and we're doing something a little bit different I guess, delving into the news cycle.
COP 27 i... |
cracked | how_video_games_are_turning_into_movies | I don't even know if I'd consider that the smartest response. Not the smartest response possible, I mean. But like, sometimes having compassion is what's smart, you know?
Although, fighting's cool too. I mean, you are a cave woman from the future who hunts robot dinosaurs, so maybe the fist is the most in-character?
... |
cracked | thanksgiving_news_on_cracked | Happy Thanksgiving from crack.com. No news is good news, so here's the bad news.
Michael Vick has begun serving prison time before his sentencing in an apparent admission of guilt and attempt to speed his return to professional football. Vick denies this, however, claiming that he is merely attempting to speed his ret... |
TheOnion | Quiet_Temp_Actually_Very_Untalented_Singer_Songwriter | When temporary worker Kevin Bright first started his job at Flagstone Marketing several months ago, many of his co-workers thought Kevin was just a quiet, unassuming person who mostly kept to himself. However, staff members at Flagstone have come to realize that outside of work, Kevin has an interest in music, and is a... |
dropout | colonial_new_jersey | It is the eve of the American Revolution. Paul Revere rides from Boston to Lexington, delivering his historic warning of British aggression to Concord, to Arlington, and in a forgotten detour to a small village on the New Jersey shore. Ladies and gentlemen, I am Paul Revere, and I've written from Boston to warn you tha... |
dropout | If_Shakespeare_Wrote_a_Play_About_Breakfast_Cereal_Improv_Challenge | The stage has thus been set with Lover One. Soon, Lover Two's debut shall hath begun.
But if it's points our players want, material, they must mix in the names of breakfast cereals. I'm me.
Lady Portia, wherefore such trystful sighs scape forth from out thy beauteous lips? Would it worth summer, and yet now does inte... |
cracked | why_do_i_enjoy_crushng_ants_w_benny_feldman_quorators_podcast | What does that mean? I don't know Hey, we're back for another weekend Corators the only show that asked the question what is Quora I'm your host Alex and Jeremy is your host and Who are here? We don't say co-host. No just say host twice when you let two alphas in a room It's a bipartisan government. Mm-hmm.
We have ve... |
dropout | pov_morgan_freeman | Ten minutes before they need me back on set. I am famished. Let's see What kind of food there is at the lunch table? Gotta get there before Jack Nicholson chugs all the clam chowder.
Oh shit. Not again Good morning again.
Mr. Freeman. Can I interest you an anomaly? Let's see I'll have one with onions mushrooms and tr... |
cracked | how_not_to_multi_task_on_skype | So, yeah, good meeting, guys. What? Great meeting, Ethan. We just started. Well, today's meeting was about team punctuality, so pretty good job all around. Pretty good. Great job.
I was 20 minutes late.
Man. We're talking about the logo. Will? Let's do the meeting. Fine. Okay, good. Work on that. Don't you guys go an... |
cracked | most_awkward_morning_after_ever | Ugh! What happened? Last night was really special. I have to go to the bathroom! Guys, I'm not sure what happened last night. There's a girl in my bed, she's really hot, and I have no idea what her name is.
You gotta help me out. No, no, I don't know. Calm down, calm down. I know exactly what to do.
I saw this in a m... |
dropout | hardly_working_chair_fart | Do you guys know what the word preheat meant? Yes Oh, Austrian, was that you?
No, no, it was a chair. Yeah, right. It was a chair. I didn't fart. Listen, listen. Dude, that whole room smells. I swear I didn't fart you guys. It was a chair.
Alright, you know what? That smells too bad. Let's go to another room. Guys, I... |
TheOnion | army_holds_annual_bring_your_daughter_to_war_day | And some good news out of Iraq. U.S. military commanders have announced that the third annual Bring Your Daughter to War Day was a great success. Over 15,000 daughters got to see first-hand what goes into fighting a war, from raiding homes in Basra to enforcing the 8 p.m. curfew in Mosul to interrogating prisoners in T... |
SaturdayNightLive | pat_n_patti_s_slacks_snacks_knick_knack_shack_saturday_night_live | How many times has this happened? You're shopping for slacks and smack. you have a snack attack. But after you get your snack, you have to backtrack to the shack that sells knickknacks. How would you react if we told you that Now you can get your slacks, snacks, and knickknacks all in one shack?
Hi, I'm Pat Silviette.... |
dropout | hardly_working_gonorrhea | Whoa, dude, this is gonorrhea medicine. Well, no. I feel so bad for the person. We have to find out who's it is and tease the shit out of them. Nah, I mean, they're probably suffering enough, so... No, not until we tease them. Pat, check it out. Me and Dan found gonorrhea medicine.
No way! Whose is it? I don't think i... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_eddie_murphy_is_back_to_host_snl_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Murphy! Thank you.
This is very bizarre, because I grew up on this show. it's bizarre to host it. I feel strange, and I'm very nervous, because I haven't done this in a year and a half, so just bear with me. I said last year that when I left the show, I swore that I would never do Saturday N... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_pete_holmes | I think people romanticize what it means to be a child. I think you've forgotten what it means to be a child. I recently saw a 50-year-old woman talking to a 10-year-old just being like, oh my god, I would love to start over, be 10 again, be fast, I bet you're fast, swift, you're swift, you color-smell things again, bu... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_on_the_presidential_candidates_saturday_night_live | Of all the people tuned into the recent presidential debates, no one was more interested in the outcome than the current President. here he is to talk about the debates and more, President Bill Clinton. Thank you, Jimmy. And thank you, Ms. Faye.
America, anyone who has paid attention to the events of the last few days... |
cracked | nothing_in_resident_evil_7_makes_any_sense_at_all_escort_mission | Oh. Oh, and I see this is nice. Yeah. Yeah, just strolling through a breezy gland. Very relaxing.
Oh, man, I'm so glad you moved out that one with the mansion, you know, all the maniacs in it. What was that one called? Oh, no, no, wait, wait, let me guess. Mansion maniacs, right? Obviously. Oh, man. You think I was go... |
SaturdayNightLive | exit_polling_saturday_night_live | Thank you so much. Oh, hi there. hi. do you mind if I ask you some exit polling questions? uh, no. that's fine. great. thank you. Um, who did you vote for? I voted for Mitt Romney. and who did you vote for in 2008? John Mccain. Okay. you're doing great, by the way. Thanks. Uh, do you consider yourself a moderate republ... |
cracked | the_7_weirdest_personalities_on_youtube_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to another episode of does not compute It's weird, there's Usually a joke there. Anyway, I'm your host droid Michael robot Clippy should I be freaking the fuck out right now? What's happening? So finally happened My circuits can no longer contain the steady diet of internet waste that I've go... |
dropout | even_more_problems_with_jeggings | As I'm sure you're all aware, the principal has banned objectionable clothing, mainly jeggings, like those. And no, these are low-rise jeggings.
They're different. They're worse.
How am I in trouble? Is that a real question?
What about my jacket? It's my winter jacket that just covers my back. Yeah, that doesn't loo... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_23_5_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | We've got the federal election in the rear view. It has been a merciless few months of political campaigning, but it's done and dusted. That's exactly how we predicted it would have turned out. Now Errol and myself, Clancy, overall, are able to write and the newsroom is able to write about other things in the news cycl... |
cracked | if_nature_documentaries_didn_t_let_science_get_in_the_way_marvels_of_the_science_episode_1 | Our world is full of being in many worlds and many galaxies and many galaxies and in those places there is a wonder and universes beyond our world, beyond our very perception of worlds. I'm Professor Scott Bug and in this series I hope to explore these wonders and find the deeper meaning beneath the mechanics of our gl... |
dropout | roomba_death_match_live | Hello America, welcome to Roomba Deathmatch. I'm your host, Greg O'Brien, and this is YouTube Mobile Live. We're filming this on a cell phone, so I don't wanna hear about it in the comments. It's on a cell phone. Let me tell you how this game's gonna work. We have a Roomba right here in the middle of the death square, ... |
dropout | the_bet_jake_and_amir | Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. My god, you smell. I showered once.
Oh, no way. There's no way.
Yeah, there is a way. My way. Guaranteed.
No, you can't tell the difference between a guy and a girl based on the way they clear their throat. That is such a random ability.
So you want to bet me? I do, yeah. I'll be... |
dropout | super_saiyans_sauron | From Azeroth to Sephiroth, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's one thing they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
Joining us today, we have returning champion Ify Wadiwe. One win, baby! Yeah! Ah, we've got DC Pearson. How's it going? Woo!
I've never been on th... |
dropout | When_the_Workout_Instructor_s_Music_Sucks | All right! Ladies of the 2.30pm Sweat Palace Jazzercise class, let me hear you make some noise! All right, so Julie couldn't be here today. I'm your substitute, Katie. Now I do things a little bit differently.
So buckle up, because we're about to get it pumping! All right ladies, let's get right into it! Yeah! Okay, g... |
TheOnion | man_lives_thanks_to_heart_stolen_from_dead_man | Listen, continuing on with our week of medical miracles, today we're joined by a man who was told by doctors he only had a few months to live, but he was given a second chance at life last month thanks to a heart transplant from a dead man. Welcome Dave. So Dave, start us off by telling us what your condition was that ... |
dropout | batman_vs_cat_lady | Alfred, I've tracked the thief that stole the cat's high diamond to her hideout. And it looks like this cat's nine lives... are up. Be careful Batman. Catwoman is very dangerous. Not Catwoman. This is an even more devious villain.
Come out where I can see you. Cat Lady! Oh, oh god. So many cats. Well, well, well Batma... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_PR_Nightmare_Trouble_In_Melbourne_A_Bloodbath_Across_The_Ditch_More_August_27 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah news bulletin, you're joined of course by myself Clancy Overall, Errol Park Editor at Large, how are you Errol? Good mate, just still feeling a bit sick after having my second vaccination, I'm not sure ... |
dropout | gary_the_guy_that_shot_osama | Well, it's been a month now since Osama bin Laden was killed. Due to security reasons, we'll never know the identity of the Navy SEAL who shot him.
It's a shame. I know all of America would be eagerly willing to give this courageous soldier a hero's welcome. Gary, you sad sack of shit.
Get in here. It's your deal. Co... |
ClickHole | this_veterinarian_singing_to_a_family_about_how_he_had_to_murder_their_cat_is_clearly_josh_groban | I have incredible news. We have launched your cat into space. Your cat was insanely healthy with a very strong heart and a smiling brain.
So I sent her hurtling through the blackness of the cosmos and she crashed into the sun.
Yan Yan, I am a real veterinarian. I graduated from the Harvard School of Beasts.
I have p... |
dropout | our_ninja_sketch_got_whitewashed | Good news, guys, we are going to greenlight the last ninja sketch that Zach and Cynthia wrote. Alright! Whoo! Great job, guys. So, let's talk casting. Gowen Qian should, of course, be played by Siobhan. Sick. Background ninjas will be Katie Ann Caldwell, and the last ninja himself will be my man, Mr. O'Brien Grant. Con... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_republican_reactions_to_obama_s_nobel_prize_snl | After the Nobel Peace Prize announcement yesterday, some Republicans questioned the committee's decision and claimed that President Obama did not deserve to win the award so early in his presidency. here to comment is political strategist extraordinaire, James Carville. Well, hello. I first just like to say something t... |
cracked | is_this_the_best_godzilla_movie_of_all_time_staff_picks | I'm a puppet guy. I love, I love the Muppets. I love anything where you're building- If there's a hand up in there, you're into it. I'm into it.
Put your whole body up its ass. Let's go.
Hello and welcome back to Staff Picks, the show where we are movie by movie building our dream video rental store. I'm Patrick Will... |
TheOnion | Ways_To_Treat_Seasonal_Affective_Disorder_So_You_re_Not_So_Goddamn_Cheery_In_Summertime | If you are one of the half million Americans suffering annually from Seasonal Affective Disorder, I don't need to tell you that the warmer months can be difficult to handle. You know that waking up in the mornings overcome with feelings of contentment and an eagerness to begin a new day is wrong. But how can you make t... |
cracked | how_a_gay_ai_kiss_saved_the_sims_canonball | The Sims is a game known for involuntary public urination, lethal pool shenanigans, and festive baby-fueled ulog scenes that somehow became an international sensation and a pillar of the queer community. Yikes! Those crab cakes sure pack a wallop! But if it weren't for one well-timed spontaneous smooch between two AI l... |
cracked | 7_insane_campaign_ads_that_prove_we_were_always_crazy_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked in.
American government's a lot like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It used to be a shining beacon of everything good and pure in this world. And today, it's a creepy guy with bad ha... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_18_5_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Batutah News Bulletin, brought to you by Australia's favourite chocky bickie, Tim Tam. Grab some Tim Tams for the chance to snag a golden Tim Tam packet, and win one of thr... |
cracked | 4_secretly_horrifying_movie_easter_eggs_yboc_star_wars_detective_pikachu_wall_e | This video is brought to you by NordVPN. Head over to NordVPN.com slash YBOC to get a huge discount off a two year plan and a month free.
Plus, it just really helps the show. Hey there nerds, it's me, fully legal and ready to make you tingle Dr. Jordan Breeding. You're watching the new dawn of your brain on crack. The... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_kim_jong_il_saturday_night_live | Saturday Night Live, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you the following: live address from North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Good Evening. recent provocative and hooliganistic statements by the cowboy government of the United States have very nicely surrounded our nation and threatened t... |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Don_t_Drop_All_Domestic_Abusers_From_Your_Roster_Just_Because_Of_Ray_Rice_Suspension | Step inside the owner's box and gaze upon football from afar in your safe little temple. Today we're talking this week's biggest story, Gray Rice. With the indefinite suspension of the running back this week, fantasy owners are wondering, should I drop all the domestic abusers on my team? I say don't panic. Keep those ... |
dropout | hardly_working_start_up_guys | So the long and the short of it is the website is in trouble. I hear you guys can help.
Unfortunately, our other partners, Kyle, Chadwick, and Moog, couldn't be here.
What they're doing, Samba. Samba?
Sambron? I like Sambone. What's actually interesting about Sambone is they are pitching a straight to Nokia based sm... |
dropout | ebromance | It feels like it's harder than ever to find that special someone. We're so connected online, but that can make the world an even lonelier place. I just wanted a site that knew who I was and who I wanted to meet. I've been on other dating sites, but I never really clicked with anyone. This was different. It wasn't about... |
TheOnion | Tough_Season_Waiver_Wire_Season_1_Ep_5_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | For fantasy owners setting a lineup is a grueling test of decisiveness It requires the skill of a magician and the foresight of a wizard coming up on Thursday night My roster still all clammed up. I mean my QB situation is a nightmare I got to figure out which one of my studs to bench and which to put in my flex spot L... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_most_upsetting_thing_you_could_say_in_a_chinese_restaurant | Okay, cool. Have you been here before? Yeah, actually. Last time I was here, me and Audrey broke up. Oh, shoot, should we have gone somewhere else?
No, no, no, dude, trust me. The dumplings here are so good, they made me forget the whole thing. That sounds good, we should order some. Yeah, oh, and the spring rolls. Mi... |
dropout | the_other_team | Damn it, guys! We're the best team in this league. How the hell do we lose to a bunch of plucky misfits using a dog as a wide receiver?
It doesn't say anything in the rulebook. And it doesn't say anywhere in the rulebook that a dog can't play football.
I heard the first 50 times that the ref said it. Whatever. We got... |
dropout | why_tipping_should_be_banned_adam_ruins_everything | Thank you guys, whenever you're ready. Mr. and Mrs. Axford, allow me. How much should we tip? In a perfect world?
Nothing. Shit. Is this the guy? On, man.
We were having a nice meal. Yeah, we were. Until the check came.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover. Hey, Adam.
Don't encourage me. And right now, you probably hate me for eve... |
cracked | 3_terrible_peyton_manning_scandals_no_one_talks_about_cracked_responds | Hi, I'm Alex, and I'm Adam. Welcome to Krak's NFL Power Rankings Post Super Bowl Edition.
That's right. Now that we're in our, what, 20th week of these power rankings? Yeah, 20th week of them. Consistently. Every single week.
We wanted to finish out the season strong with an appropriate number one, which this time is... |
TheOnion | There_Are_People_In_World_Who_Are_Concerned_About_Current_State_Of_Hip_Hop | Following reports confirming that there are people living in the world today concerned about the state of hip-hop, Onion reporters spoke to Robert Davis, one of the many in the world who apparently feels legitimate worry about the future of this subculture. Probably the last time it was really still fresh and vibrant w... |
cracked | drunken_hooligans_answer_all_of_life_s_questions_cracked_improv_4_of_4 | Let me ask you a question. Yeah fucking you know what you know how when people are asleep. I do things to them No, I didn't know that that's making a bad night much worse. Oh, no, it's nothing Looking second part to that question.
Yeah. Yeah, that was the pro. I thought we need to say it.
It's not the weird It's like... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Citizen_Kane | Until a few weeks ago, I had no hope of being elected. Now, however, I have something more than a hope. And Jim Geddes, Jim Geddes has something less than a chance.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at Orson Welles' 1941 masterpiece, Ci... |
TheOnion | Area_Man_Unsure_If_He_s_Male_Bonding_Or_Being_Bullied | While getting drinks after work with a group of co-workers, local shipping clerk Russell Chambliss told reporters Wednesday night he was unsure whether he was bonding with his male associates or being mercilessly bullied by them. I'm pretty sure that Bill called me limp dick earlier and Todd keeps punching me in the sh... |
cracked | the_last_ever_week_in_douchebaggery | Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. It's Friday, May 23rd, 2008, and this is the final week in douchebaggery, because the world is coming to an end. Oh no it's not. I've simply been cancelled, which is much, much worse. If you lik... |
dropout | Are_You_Sisters | I don't know when you are listening to this, watching this, but this is the College Humor podcast. If you're listening to this on a streaming service such as Spotify or Apple, thank you so much for supporting, but there's an even better way to watch. You can subscribe to Dropout. You could have seen it earlier and you ... |
TheOnion | Misappraisal_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | This week a toilet cut perfectly down the center raises questions coming up on Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge appraisal. Okay before we get started I'd like to give a quick update on an appraisal I made several months ago here on this show. I appraised a 1990s pre Mattel era whammo hula hoop that Charlotte Danver... |
SaturdayNightLive | wine_and_cheese_night_snl | Mm, mm, that's good. Ooh, yes, I like that one. What is that? Oh, that's the Cabernet, and the book says to pair that with the aged Gouda. Mm. mm. mm. that's good. Yeah.
Gosh, Rick and Melissa, thank you so much for having us over. Yeah, I've never been to a wine and cheese night before. Well, Melissa and I have a pas... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_airplane_snl | Afternoon Passengers: This is your captain speaking. Clear skies ahead. We should be landing in Newark in three hours. You okay baby? Oh babe. I Think the baby's coming. Oh my God. Excuse me everyone. My wife is in labor. Is there a doctor on board? please? We need a doctor. Is anyone a doctor? I'm a lawyer. What? That... |
dropout | where_in_the_world_is_edward_snowden_carmen_sandiego_parody | N S A Yeah!
Doo-doo-doo-doo-dah-wop Doo-doo-doo-doo-dah-wop Doo-doo-doo-doo-dah-wop Doo-doo-doo-dah-wop Well, he had a cushy job At an office in Virginia Then he learned the government's bias On our phone calls and emails So he leaked the information And he hopped off to China Tell me where in the world is Edward Snow... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_booty_call_saturday_night_live | Whew, that was a crazy night. man, I'm a little tipsy. should I call him? no, I got to stay strong. well, maybe just this once. yellow! hey, it's me. Oh, crap. hey, girl, what is up? just got in. what you doing? nothing much. just backing on this cookie dough and watching Boston Legal. that's cool. I was thinking, mayb... |
TheOnion | Prison_Guards_Gun_Down_Inmate_Trying_To_Escape_Jail_Through_Transportive_Power_Of_Reading | Music Crisis averted in California today, a prison inmate is caught while trying to escape the jail through the transportive power of reading. Hear how the guards were able to stop it, and the steps being taken by prison officials to make sure it never happens again.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Pri... |
dropout | the_most_mind_blowing_fan_theory_ever | Hey everyone, welcome back to Fantastic! Last week I walked you through some pretty crazy theories, like how Aladdin is set 10,000 years in the future, and how Jar Jar Binks is actually an evil Sith Lord pushing Anakin towards the dark side. Misa, I need to be taking on this heavy burden.
Uh huh, yeah. Now I'm back wi... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_8_player_extravaganza | There are very few 8-player games and we are playing one of them. This is Bomberman. Bomberman has been around forever. We are currently playing the Wii version. Listen guys, Bombs don't care if you're black, white, red, yellow, pink, green, light, blue or dark blue. Wait, let's get red. He keeps winning.
There is not... |
cracked | why_do_fruits_exist | Secrets of everyday foods that go back thousands of years. Fruits exist so that animals will eat them, digest them, and poop out the seeds, which creates more plants. That's the case, why do we have avocados and mangoes with these giant pits? The answer is megafauna, so giant mammoths and 20-foot sloths were supposed t... |
cracked | that_time_iran_hid_will_ferrell_s_crotch_with_cgi_cracked_fiend | Sir Jordan, apparently today we're talking about Will Ferrell's just bulbous man package and Iran. Yes, and specifically how it's so offensive to them that they're willing to invest in high-end CGI technology to hide said crotch. Okay! I'm down for this! Sir Jordan, I'm confused about where Will Ferrell's package enter... |
cracked | pulp_fiction_s_two_parallel_timelines_a_conspiracy_theory_today_s_topic_geek_week | The most embarrassed I've ever felt for you? I didn't say anything. Oh, I didn't. Rhetorically. Hey, remember when you and Michael and I were talking about the trampoline episode of Community and you said you'd seen it? Yeah. We could tell you hadn't.
For you, mine would be how you always try to change the subject to ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | moron_detective_tries_to_frame_innocent_man | There is no world where that isn't you, okay? I have zero doubt in my mind you're going to jail. There are approximately 970 wrongful convictions of innocent civilians each year. These convictions result from a variety of factors, such as poor public representation, inadmissible exonerating evidence, and in some extrem... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_263_Antoinette_Lattouf | This is week three of the Batutah Advocate presents since we premiered this means in a couple days our third episode will be coming out if you've tuned in so far you would have seen our storytelling surrounding the rise and fall of Hillsong and then of course the Super League War when you know the two families the Murd... |
cracked | the_most_realistic_war_movie_is_full_of_sh_t | Movies are great, aren't they? They're so universally loved that they're probably the MVP of pretenses for going home with someone. Or at least part of the triumvirate with a drink and coffee. Possibly the most important thing for an audience is suspension of disbelief. That's why sometimes it can be easier to connect ... |
cracked | is_51_too_old_to_be_a_hot_wife_w_clare_o_kane_quorators_podcast | We're back for another week, here at the Cracked Studios, home of the fact! We're here, I'm Alex, this is Jeremy, we're here every week and we have a very special guest for you this week. We got her, you may have seen her on Saturday Night Live.
In the credits, where her name was. Or if you went there, you know, you w... |
SaturdayNightLive | school_vs_school_snl | Everybody to school versus school where teachers team up with their star students to win big bucks, I'm your host Jay Mccormick. Back after a brief hiatus, I was, of course, the key witness in a harassment trial of this show's covid representative who swabbed my anus in lieu of my nose every day for 5 months. But that'... |
cracked | mcdonald_s_we_used_to_be_a_proper_country | The modern state of McDonald's is a sad, greasy shadow of what it once was. Instead of a proud, golden-arched monument of plenty provided by capitalism, it's a dark, tiled refuge for grown adults having a depressive episode. For a good long while, McDonald's was the most delectable meal a sticky-fingered child could ho... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_saturday_night_sports_on_the_mediocre_super_bowl_snl | In a government investigation, Canadian cabinet members responded to the question, who here has slept with Margaret Trudeau? It has been a hugely big week in sports. Now, here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Thanks, Gail. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo, Live.
Saturday Night Sports, the Big Story. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | porch_scene_snl | Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can't believe I forgot it in study Hall. Oh, my pleasure. there we go.
Well, my mother's running late, so. I'll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved. No, Josh, wait. you can. wait here. come sit.
I feel incest. I just want to say. it's been really great being in... |
dropout | if_palm_reader_s_predictions_came_true | Hello? Welcome. There's nothing to be afraid of. Sit down.
Now, what is it that you'd like me to help you with today, Joshua? How do you know my name? Lucky guess. I wanted to know if I would ever find love. Give me your hand.
You have a long lifeline. This line is the only one you can find. You have a long lifeline.... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_9_11_hearings_saturday_night_live | We Now resume our live coverage of the hearings by the committee investigating the September 11th Terrorist Attacks already in progress. Mr. Clark You have told this committee that despite repeated requests, You were not granted a private meeting with the President to discuss the terrorist threat until the 15th of Augu... |
SaturdayNightLive | jack_sparrow_snl_digital_short | Guys, Michael Bolton is here. Oh, great. send him in. Hey, guys. hey. nice to meet you.
I'm really sorry I'm late.
I just got caught up watching the Pirates of the Caribbean Marathon. have you seen those things? Oh, yeah. those are great.
Well, I listened to your track and I loved it. and I wrote you this big, sexy ... |
dropout | summer_of_music_the_hoodie_song | We broke up last weekend, beneath the chestnut tree You said you wanted something to remember me Felt bad saying no to your baby, cause you looked so hurt When you asked for my favorite sweatshirt Now I'm lying in bed, regrets running through my head All the life I could have led I don't miss you, but I miss my hoodie ... |
dropout | pov_stuck_in_traffic | Ugh, this sucks. At least I have an excuse to be late now. I don't have to pretend another pet died.
You look great. Ah crap, my suit's getting wrinkled. How does this work? Do adults just drive standing up? Well this doesn't feel safe.
Man, I wish I was motorcycle guy today. I'd even settle for scooter guy.
Okay, d... |
dropout | post_a_sex_tape_or_watch_your_parents | Hey, I'm Streeter. This is Amir. We're from CollegeHumor.com. We're here in New York City asking people some axe dirty dilemma questions.
Would you rather post a video of your first time... doing it? Or watch a video of your parents' first time. I'd rather say let people see mine. I wouldn't want to see my parents. I ... |
cracked | asmr_youtube_videos_aka_soren_s_creepy_fetish_cracked_responds | Hey guys, I want to show you a video. This is a little door into my life. It's called ASMR I discovered these videos a little while ago. Seems for audio sensual Manipulation replenishment.
No, that's Probably not right. You had me until replenishment. What do you do with this?
It's it's basically it's somebody whispe... |
cracked | how_to_tidy_up_this_election | Hello, and happy 2016. I'm famous home reorganizer Marie Kondo. My very first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, revolutionized the way millions of people throw out their own trash. And with Americans heading to the polls this November, I'm here to announce the sequel to my bestseller. It's called The Life-Ch... |
dropout | hardly_working_pledge_of_allegiance | Just click that one more time. Come on. All right, guys. 10-45, all right?
Ha ha! You just pledged allegiance to me. Now you can't ignore my e-vites or go to lunch without me anymore, because you're all my slaves. It's true. It's in the Constitution of these United States.
Dan, why are you naked? Traitor! Take him aw... |
TheOnion | How_Every_Hit_Song_Starts_By_Sampling_Hall_Oates_Rich_Girl | Come on, come on, turn the radio on Ah, yes, the familiar markings of a top 40 hit. An infectious beat, a little genre mix and matching, and of course, a catchy chorus. I got ticked out Cheap Thrills from Sia was one of the most popular songs last summer, but what made it such an earworm? Was there a tried and true sci... |
TheOnion | Are_Wetland_Preserves_Simply_Dead_Body_Dumping_Grounds | Earlier this week, police in South Carolina pulled the body of missing mom Sharon Machler out of a marsh after her husband confessed to her murder. The news caught the attention of our own Shelby Cross, who for years now has campaigned for America's marshes and bogs to be eliminated. Shelby joins us now live in the Fac... |
cracked | 5_movie_universes_secretly_much_weirder_than_you_d_think_yboc_terminator_logan | Happy 2021, nerds. We made it! You made it?
And I, Jordan Breeding, who was only larping as a doctor unless you're not a cop, in which case I take Venmo, I have also made it so far. You're watching the first 2021 episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show that really encourages you to just get out there and recruit your... |
cracked | internet_party_2_an_intervention_for_myspace | Thanks for coming. What is this about? I think we need to talk. Myspace, this is an intervention. But I don't have a problem. Do you want something to eat? I have some cold coffee pasta or I could heat up some mudkips. Oh, I love mudkips. Look, is this about my drinking or blaring rap music? Trolling for underage women... |
SaturdayNightLive | church_on_vacation_snl | Dad, did you have to drag us to church while we're on vacation? Yeah, can't we skip one Sunday? hey, we're Catholics, okay? I don't care where we are on Sundays, we go to church. what do we do on Sunday? when we visited Ireland? we went to church. Bingo. Why would you make it be any different? All right, welcome, Broth... |
dropout | ch_live_jake_and_amir | Please, Jake and Amir. We came here to do a trivia game, which Amir is ruining right now.
Oh, I'm ruining it. How am I ruining it? Why don't you talk about the person who actually ruined this for us, which was intern Jessica. I'm sorry, but she legit fucked this for us.
She was really, really helpful. How could she h... |
cracked | the_inevitable_crisis_facing_movie_reboots | Look, we all know why we're here ever since our reboot of the season four reboot of the show Reboot there's nothing left to reboot at this rate The profits from our next reboot are going to be cannibalized by its own ree ree Reboot we're calling those three, but I want ideas not names not gimmicks real honest ideas Wel... |
TheOnion | Congressman_s_Son_Won_t_Shut_The_Hell_Up_During_Hearing | Hello, thank you. Chairman Eisley, members of the subcommittee, I'm glad to have the opportunity to testify about protecting market data. Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen, my son Dylan's nanny is out of town. That's fine. Thank you. We can manage. The chair cedes the Florida Congresswoman Schultz for five minutes of que... |
dropout | bbm_roulette | Hello Internet, I'm Dan Gerwich, and this is my father, Jeff Ruben. Not even close to correct, but we are going to be playing BBM Roulette. Tell them how it works, Dad. Basically, what we're going to do is grab random people from the street, ask them to spin this wheel, and they will have to BBM whatever it lands on to... |
cracked | are_gilfs_real_halloween_episode_w_josh_nasser_quorators_podcast | 🎵 Corrreators! And welcome back to Corrreators, now on Cracked.com!
Home of the fact!
I'm your host, Alex and Jeremy is your other host. And we have a very frightening guest for you. All the way from New York City, the Big Apple. We have Josh Nasser here in the studio.
I'm the Grinch. I'm the scary Grinch. That's b... |
TheOnion | Snacks_Distract_Lawmakers_From_Horrors_of_War | We will now open the floor to general questioning after an opening statement by General Kadi on the topic of the Mid-Quarter Iraqi Progress Report. General Kadi, you may begin. Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I would like to begin by discussing the region identified in the report as the most tactically important to secure, th... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_celebrates_valentine_s_day | You sleep together. You even bathe together. So why not share the most intimate moment of them all with the Love Toilet? Exquisitely designed and crafted of the finest horse off with flesh-assembling and float oil and courting thin fats the nation of love from my heart, people screaming in love even five minutes apart ... |
TheOnion | Has_Shaun_White_Finally_Captured_Enough_Gold_Medals_To_Satisfy_The_Snow_Princess_Yuki_Onna | Alright, my sweat guys and glens, let's talk Shaun White. This week in Pyeongchang, the U.S. snowboarder captured his third gold medal in an intense half-pipe battle. But was White's third Olympic gold enough to finally satisfy the snow princess Yuki Onna? You gotta think that his back-to-back 1440s were enough to ceme... |
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