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SaturdayNightLive | stuck_in_the_elevator_snl | Thanks. Sorry. All right, move forward.
I'm six, please. God, can you press the emergency button? Hello? this is the elevator technician. can you hear me? Uh, yeah, we're stuck in the South Bank elevators. can you please send help? don't worry. the fire department should be there in 20 to 25 minutes. just try to stay ... |
cracked | the_game_of_thrones_finale_left_a_lot_of_unanswered_questions_ep_7_the_dragon_and_the_wolf_review | Yeah, guys, it's my it's winner is taking forever. It's my first Game of Thrones recap show of this season. Nice Yeah, it's also the finale the big one. It's that's bigger news. Yeah So everyone meets in King's Landing all the major players Meet and form a tenuous alliance now that we know that monsters are real. I had... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_204_Senator_Murray_Watt_ALP | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms, folks, I could sue, you know. But I ain't spending any time on it. Get me my valium. Don't stop wearing the speedos.
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or ne... |
dropout | how_to_plan_a_wedding_in_10_steps_the_honest_version | Congratulations on your engagement. You just signed on for a lifetime of love, companionship, and 12 to 18 months of logistical hell. Step one, pick a location. Okay, this is easy. Catholic Church.
Step two, make a guest list. I have 86 cousins and they all have kids. My mom says we have to invite all the couples they... |
cracked | 6_bizarrely_specific_trends_in_hollywood_history | Six surprisingly specific movies.
Watch and s- You bastard, what did you do to my son? I am your son, Mom. Where is my child? Mom! Where is my son?!
Sorry, I'm normally a bit taller. Jack. My wish. I'm 18 again. He thinks like George Burns.
I feel quite tingly. That's right. Those are my tingles you're feeling. What... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_258_Tim_Ross_talks_Australian_architecture_Part_1 | We had a legal representative a couple of weeks back, we had Jenny Robinson, Julian Assange's lawyer. A legal representative, that's what you're going to describe arguably the nation's greatest legal export. Yeah, that's what I meant. A legal export who also represents West Papua in the high court and Julian Assange.
... |
dropout | hardly_working_business_time | Shame I couldn't see you at the gym on Saturday. 6am too early for you? Not quite. 18 holes with Ricky. Then drinks afterwards at the 19th tee, batted around some ideas. Shame you couldn't make it. I thought Ricky was in Spain this weekend.
Let's see. Let's do Bama Sayi. Then at the games. Again. Docksuking. And that'... |
CrackerMilk | off_to_hogwarts_crackermilk_podcast_episode_7 | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of our favorite show to do and your least favorite show to watch. Here we have Tom Griffiths. Hello, this is a podcast that we're doing.
Hey, I still have the floor and it's going to be really good. How you doing? How y'all doing tonight? Elias De Wedge. Hey, I still ... |
SaturdayNightLive | towel_guys_snl | And they looking, man. they looking, they looking. And then somehow, they find Nemo. No, man. that's crazy, man. it's a big ocean and like a small little fish. I know, man. they got lucky, man. what can I say? they got lucky.
Hey, can I get a towel? Hey, yes, one more. Hey, you American? I am, yeah. yeah.
Ellen The M... |
dropout | after_four_sneezes_the_world_turns_against_you | Thank you. Bless you. Thank you. Bless you again. Thank you.
Okay, enough already. You heard that?
Oh yeah, these are just cosmetic. They make my head look thinner.
All right, shut up, Cynthia. We're on a deadline, so. I can't help it. You're not getting any more of our blessings. Allergy. You're a complete distract... |
TheOnion | Boy_Loses_Leg_In_Totally_Awesome_Shark_Attack | 12-year-old Jared Gilchrist was surfing off the coast of Florida last August when he was attacked by a shark that took his leg. Jared is here with us in the studio to discuss his harrowing story this morning.
Thanks for being with us, big guy. Thanks. This is tight. Yeah. Now, Jared, set it up for us. You were out the... |
dropout | hardly_working_go_karts | Alright, so it's settled. I have the biggest binder. Nobody said you didn't, Josh. The point is that everybody needs to be mindful of what's what in the company.
It's like a race. It's like a go-kart race. Whoever plans a steady course wins.
Sir, your words have moved me. If you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go outs... |
CrackerMilk | the_state_of_youtube | Yeah, I've just been going outside, getting some sun, I've been feeling really good. I'm really pleased to hear you say that. You have been coming to see me for about three months now, your energy is in a really good place. You know, you've quit cracker milk, and you've quit drinking paint, and I think those two things... |
dropout | Spaghetti_Shack_Shakes_Up_Galleria_No_Laugh_Newsroom_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm ... |
dropout | dangerous_wands | In the worst wizard school around, she was the last person they expected to see. Dumbledore's army? A letter from the Minister of Magic? You could teach at any magic school in England, Miss Granger.
Why here? Because there are some problems you can't fix with a Reparo charm. Two newts says you'll be an inferious in a ... |
TheOnion | Report_70_Percent_Of_All_Praise_Sarcastic | When someone tells you, good job, do they really mean it? A new study by UCLA says no. It found that as much as 70% of all praise is sarcastic. At UCLA, Dr. Willis Jensen headed the study. Sadly, we found that individuals received sarcastic praise at just a moment when they needed encouragement. For instance, if they d... |
TheOnion | Live_From_Congress_The_Skull_Fucking_Bill_Of_2007 | Thank you Madam Speaker. I rise today to introduce the Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007, mandating a minimum five-year prison term for the offense of ocular penetration, commonly known as skull-fucking. I don't have to quote statistics for you. We've all heard the stories on the news.
Every single day anothe... |
ClickHole | don_t_understand_bitcoin_this_man_will_mumble_an_explanation_at_you | What is Bitcoin? Bitcoin is a peer-to-peer digital currency that's anonymous and is decentralized. It's like being able to teleport money to anyone else across the world. No, I think it's actually being teleported. It's a way of making millions of computers to track each and every bitcoin on a public ledger called the ... |
dropout | precious_plum_a_good_sword | My name is Plum. I'm six years old, and I'm a beauty queen. My mama drive me around a patch. Now that damn thing is gross. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum's competing to be a little miss mom I'm tired during clean up hour at a casino at four o'clock in the morning. I'll need a new dress, so we're going to the doodle... |
dropout | charge_with_rhys_darby | We will be oppressed no longer. We will storm the palace of these Persian dogs, rip their hearts from their chests, and taste their blood. Tonight we feast on evil!
Okay, new plan. I appreciate everyone's excitement, but that was quite dangerous for me, so I'll run out the way, and you guys count to 20. That's with Mi... |
TheOnion | ClickHole_What_This_Adorable_Little_Girl_Says_Will_Melt_Your_Heart | Hi, my name is Jessica.
I'm 8 years old, I'm from Sarasota, Florida, and I am nothing more than a ploy to get you to watch an internet video. I know you clicked on this video because you're bored and very easily distracted from the things you actually need to get done today. I mean, who can blame you? That's exactly w... |
TheOnion | Onion_Year_In_Review | A poll found the majority of Americans approve of sending Congress to Syria. Pope Insanity the 1045th was selected, and Bo Obama received visiting dognetaries from Furgwey. Now for all the news that occurred in this arbitrary period of the Earth's orbit around the sun. This is the Onion Year in Review.
This January, g... |
SaturdayNightLive | southwest_airlines_announcement_snl | At Southwest Airlines, we pride ourselves on a smooth flying experience. But over the holiday season, we messed up. our system collapsed and thousands of flyers were left stranded. and you understandably screamed at us for days on end, even more than you usually do. And sure, we lost $800 million in revenue and are bei... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_girly_game_slumber_party_ii | This week on Bleep Loop, girly game Slumber Party 2. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Sarah Schneider, Elaine Carroll, Kate Spencer, and of course Pat Cassels. We are playing Imagine Party Babies. This is the result, I feel like, of a lot of new dads, like, new dads who just had babies getting really stoned together. They were... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_naked_man_arrested_at_disneyland_doritos_ai_software_snl | Next week, Lifetime will air their first Christmas movie featuring a sex scene. the sex scene will finally explain why Santa named that one reindeer Vixen. that's a weird name for a reindeer, man. a Disneyland guest was arrested for stripping off his clothes and walking around nude on it's a Small World, which is the a... |
TheOnion | Friends_Don_t_Understand_How_Man_Not_Depressed | Friends of local man Carl Brewster told reporters this week that while they have long known the cheerful 32-year-old, they are all absolutely at a loss as to how he is not completely depressed. Onion reporters spoke to Brewster's friends about the man they say should be crippled by sadness at all times. I've known Carl... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_george_w_bush_saturday_night_live | The following is an address from the President of the United States. Good evening, my fellow Americans.
A little over six months ago, I asked for your support and your trust as our nation began a great undertaking Operation Iraqi Freedom. And tonight, I want to assure you that despite what you may have heard or read, ... |
cracked | 4_shockingly_outdated_policies_of_modern_governments | Good news, Internet. The global community has developed a new strategy for overcoming the policy problems facing the modern government. They're traveling back in time. But before you get too excited about our future in the past, you should know the proposed solutions probably won't be as cool as this, because they're g... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_season_49_bloopers_part_2 | And don't tell silly, but we also have hot pot. what? a donkey kicked him and his nuts and he flew into the Grand Canyon. ah! this is gonna sound like gibberish, but Sibutaputapao. Tapao pao Teetu. poop. But Sibutapao peto. did you say it every time? the reju-reju- the rejuvenating facial cleanser made by your- I drink... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Angela_White | I've got Effie Bateman with me here in the studio as well. And today, Effie, we have quite an esteemed guest. We do. Big names rolling through here. Today, we have one of Australia's greatest exports.
I think it's fair to say. I think that's very fair to say.
She's a movie star. She's recognized globally. We have Ang... |
TheOnion | A_Quick_And_Simple_Drywall_Recipe_That_Kids_With_Pica_Will_Love | Getting your child to eat healthy and nutritious foods can be hard, doubly so if you have a picky eater on your hands. Add in an abnormal desire to consume non-nutritive substances and you'll feel like pulling your hair out.
But, stress no more.
Today, I have a quick, simple drywall recipe that kids with pica will ab... |
dropout | porn_but_for_crying | You've got a hat on. What? It's a chip hat.
It was a joke. Don't take it personally. You should laugh. Enjoy it. Did you not think it was sunny?
No, but what is Grant doing? That guy. He watches porn at his desk. Ew. Yeah. Well, cry porn. Oh. Wait, what is cry porn? It's videos you watch to make yourself cry. Oh my g... |
cracked | how_social_media_is_ruining_mother_s_day | It's that time of year again.
It's Mother's Day. But what are you doing special for Mom? I love my mom. I love my mom, and I wouldn't be anywhere today without my mom setting an example for me.
So today, on her special day, I decided to give back. I sat down and wrote all about the impact she's made on me, and how mu... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_man_who_did_too_much_press_snl | Well, guys, oftentimes when an actor is promoting a new movie, let's say, a Netflix movie, they have to do a lot of press, sometimes too much press. here to comment is a man who did too much press. hello, hello, thank you for being here. Sure, sure. where am I exactly? you're on weekend update. Oh, was this a podcast? ... |
TheOnion | Romney_To_Undergo_Gender_Reassignment_Surgery_To_Better_Connect_With_Women_Voters | Mitt Romney announces he will undergo gender reassignment surgery to better connect with female voters. Thomas the Tank Engine says he's a little uneasy with his broad autistic following and a couple has a nest egg of debt to make sure they've got some money to owe down the road. Yet again, you come crawling back to th... |
dropout | the_best_christmas_songs_are_sad_hardly_working | It was the day of the College Humor holiday party. Jack Frost had whited the windows, but Grant was feeling blue. All around, his friends were feeling merry and he felt left out. And this year, like every year, he wondered about the true meaning of Christmas.
Hey, Blockhead, whatcha doin'? Listen to Christmas carols t... |
dropout | the_little_known_truth_about_mammograms_adam_ruins_everything | I'm Dr. Elmore. I'm Rachel. Nice to meet you. How can I help you today?
I don't want to seem pushy, but I need a mammogram now. Can you tell me a little bit more about why? I haven't found a lump or anything. I just need to get screened so I know I don't have cancer. Okay, let me sit down and let's talk about this. Ca... |
dropout | hardly_working_guy_fieri_s_bad_news | Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri, and I'm here at College Humor to spice things up by judging an old-fashioned chili cook-off. Let's jam. Josh, I gotta say, this five-alarm firecracker chili is off the chain. Oh, thank you so much. Hey, would you mind giving my parents a call? They're huge fans here. Oh, man, anything, any... |
cracked | why_the_queen_isn_t_the_real_villain_in_snow_white | Hello my- Why, why yes, I- Queen Grimhilda? Um, what? Queen who? Okay, Queen Grimhilda, I know it's you. No, no, I'm just a little old woman selling magic wish granting apples. Here, put your tiny little mouth on it. Look, Queen Grimhilda, what exactly is your issue with me?
I shall be the fairest in all the land. I m... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tennessee_bans_public_drag_shows_trump_lashes_out_at_desantis_snl | Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six-year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now-documentary, Medea goes to Jail. a Tennessee State Senator said the bill will prevent kids from being, quote, blindsided by a sexualized performance in pu... |
cracked | 6_most_blatant_lies_brands_put_in_ads | A clinical study showed kids who had a filling breakfast to frosted mini-wheat cereal improve their attentiveness by nearly 20%. We were on the third paragraph of page 57. Right. I've never been so proud. Your chalk broke. Into three pieces. Okay, even I'm impressed by me. It's incredible news and we just can't keep it... |
TheOnion | al_qaeda_also_fed_up_with_ground_zero_construction_delays | After years of delays, construction of the 1,776-foot Freedom Tower, built on the ruins of the World Trade Center, has finally begun. Joining us today are two of the project's most outspoken critics, Becky Draeger, public liaison for the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation, and Omar El Farouq, a representative for ... |
dropout | black_mirror_episodes_from_medieval_times | Young Shepherd, why dost thou not tend thine flock? Why, the young shepherd hath put so much of his mind into this book that he hath become but an object, and I hath become sentient.
No! Be this even fiction. That could happen. That could totally happen. What happened? It hath happened. Nay.
I never see youngins with... |
SaturdayNightLive | dakota_johnson_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Dakota Johnson! Thank you very much. it is so great to be back!
Hosting Saturday Night Live. Hosted was right after the Snl 40th. I was actually in the audience for that special.
Look at this photo. look at this collection of people. Sarah Palin, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and look who's si... |
dropout | kevin_hart_can_not_sing | Kevin Hart, he took the stand-up world by storm. He conquered the movie business. Now he's taking on the music industry with his new album, Heartbeats.
Rossette, I like that. I'm watching you girl, you're a real good dancer. I got a question. Can I get with you girl, can I do it? Yeah, guys let me get a little more. I... |
SaturdayNightLive | jerrod_carmichael_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Gerad Carmichael! thank you. thank you very, very much.
I'm not gonna talk about it. I'm gonna be clear up top. I've talked about it enough. kept talking about it. kept thinking about it. I don't want to talk about it. And you can't make me talk about it. but-but-but-but-but I got a question. do ... |
dropout | h_alana_nobody_s_favorite_pop_culture_tv_host | Hey everybody, this is Helena coming to you live, it's NGTeeVee, it's where it's at in the studio today. In the big news, we're gonna get him, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Lil Bae, what's the name of the bae. Okay everybody, up next, we're gonna be number one, Hollywood hot goth, international correspondent Shino Pitbull, and he, i... |
TheOnion | Delicious_Pie_And_The_Value_Of_Patience_Onion_Talks_Ep_7 | We take for granted the transformative speed of the internet and social media as a good thing. But in our rush for the present, we lose the perspective and patience that comes with waiting.
Take this pie, for example. My sister baked me this delicious pie.
And to prove that patience is an undervalued asset, I'm going... |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_4am_you_wake_up_to_this_on_the_tv | And it's completely reversible. That's $59.99 clearance price. Now moving into our menswear lineup, let's kick things off with these wonderful pleated chinos, or plinos, from Dilson's Fun in the Summer line. Oh my god.
These are an everyday pant, perfect for riding a bike, buying a bike, looking for a bike you lost. I... |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_s_cameo_on_days_of_our_lives_snl | Like a little, like a new Paris song. Oh, hi, Mr. Trump. welcome to Days of our Lives. we are so excited that you were doing this cameo for us. I'm really, really very jazzed about this. my Emmy award-winning performance on the episode of Days is really going to boost your ratings. it's going to be the most dramatic, t... |
dropout | all_nighter_perpetual_motion_machine | College Heavers is all murder! You guys ever play with this weird best toy?
Uh, no way. Dolphins give me the willies. Yeah, and I don't trust pendulums. Long story, here's why.
We're gonna be rich! We're gonna have it all! Money, mansions, cars, I'm gonna go tell off our boss. Mom, you better be sitting down! I've go... |
CrackerMilk | how_gen_z_eat_out | Thank you so much for coming out. Oh no, no worries. I know I got desperate, so. Well of course, I'm going to bring you out and I find out you have massive tears.
Alrighty guys, are we ready to order? Yeah, the lady will have the lamb ragu and I will have the eye fillet steak thanks medium rare. Excellent. And also wh... |
cracked | star_wars_batman_v_superman_and_more_at_comic_con_cracked_responds | A lot of news coming out of Comic Con this week. Yeah, I agree.
We did not attend. No We know that shows not you and this is why because we have all of the things that all those people Saw without having to be anywhere near them.
Yeah right here. They released this reel for the upcoming Star Wars movie I'm excited fo... |
dropout | jordin_sparks_imitates_other_musicians_middle_of_the_night_show | Tonight, I face off in the fiercest musical competition of my career. It's the middle of the night. Showdown!
Yeah.
Middle of the night for Showdown Musical Town. In this showdown, we'll each get cards with a famous musician and a list of forbidden words. Our goal is to get our teammate to guess that musician by sing... |
dropout | thicc_cyborgs_featuring_rekha | Hey Caldwell, are you hearing this song that keeps playing on repeat in my mind? Yeah, everyone's hearing that. Your brain is one of the top channels on the Satan satellite network down here. It just sounds like styrofoam being rubbed together and then just a real, real fresh dance beat underneath. All rise, be alarmed... |
cracked | when_a_romantic_comedy_trailer_gets_serious | She was a lawyer with a bad case of OCD, PMS, and ADD. He was a live and let live garbage man with only one rule. No rules. But when fate intervenes...
No, I hate that! You hit me! I was paid! That is it! I am charging you two with having to live together.
I'm positive that isn't legal. And there's no legal precedent... |
cracked | the_truth_about_the_verizon_guy_you_didn_t_know_cracked_responds | Hey guys, have you seen this new Sprint commercial? Uh, no. Let's watch it. Hey, I'm Paul. And I used to ask if you could hear me now with Verizon. Not anymore. There's a very interesting story behind this guy. He is actually an actor named Paul Margarelli, and he came out in an Atlantic interview in like 2011 talking ... |
dropout | no_one_cares_about_your_major | Wow, you're right, the Eiffel Tower is in Paris. Yes, the one in Las Vegas is a replica, just like the Statue of Liberty. There's another Statue of Liberty? Yes, the real one is in New York.
It's a huge part of U.S. history. Did someone say history? Richard III was the last king in England to die in battle in 1485. Wh... |
dropout | to_debate_a_predator | Now, the big debate is tonight, so Plum and me, we've been doing some debate prep. She's real good at it too.
Mama, can I drive the car around? No, baby. Why not? See what I mean?
Places, everyone, places. Haley, your moderator, Coach Nick, you'll take notes, Plum, you're there, and Mama, you're Kennedy. Okay, hold u... |
cracked | the_new_5_second_films_movie_cracked_responds | Hey guys check it out You know five-second film they just check out this obviously our thing that I want you to look at first I can film They've got a new movie coming up. I just sent us the trailer Bro, looks like he's coming. Yeah. Oh, there's a lot of blood Well, I'm into that woman whispering yeah, I know I don't k... |
dropout | star_of_the_week_interview_rob_huebel | They were shooting this video for college humor. I did not write it. If it's funny, I will say that I fucking wrote it. If it's not funny, I didn't write it. Don't blame me.
I was addicted to crystal meth. I was blowing dudes for a living and I needed to make money. What's a great way to make money? Improv. I wouldn't... |
cracked | why_being_a_kid_in_an_adventure_movie_would_suck_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet, bold enough to hold up a mirror to society and finally, wait, sorry, just getting word that, nope, no, we don't do that, this is the show that makes fun of Pinocchio a lot, okay, go... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_worst_guy_to_have_at_your_funeral | Thank you so much for coming just right that way, thank you again. Oh, hey guys. Hey Chris, great job with the ceremony and everything. Yeah, I'm sorry about your guys' grandma, Kyle tells me you guys were really close.
Yeah, no more salted pipe for that old sea slut. What? You guys wouldn't get it. Mimi would have th... |
SaturdayNightLive | brandon_tartikoff_show_ideas_with_eddie_murphy_the_whiners_snl | You tell the producers of this show that I am not going to appear in the next sketch. I mean, I am a Network President and I'm not gonna stoop to any cheap tricks to get a laugh.
Yes, Eddie Murphy to see you. Mr. Tardicov. Oh great sending it. I am not a clown. Hey, you want to see Mr. Tardicov? Eddie! My Man! what it... |
cracked | why_does_every_texas_movie_have_these_3_things_50_states_of_film | Ah, Texas. Tejas, before the dyslexic, taxes. A beautiful state known for its industries, its legends, its size, and an outlaw reputation that some would say is kind of wild.
["Wanna Get Wild?" by DJ Quads plays in the background.] Not that wild.
I've set out to find one movie that could represent each state in the U... |
TheOnion | Report_Leading_Cause_Of_Death_In_U_S_Is_God_Needing_Another_Angel | The Department of Health and Human Services issued a new report this week indicating that the leading cause of death in the U.S. is God needing another angel. According to the study, God's continuing lack of souls too beautiful for this world accounted for over 700,000 deaths in the U.S. in 2013. A spokesperson announc... |
dropout | Microcaine_A_Revolutionary_New_Drug_for_Women_Kingpin_Katie | Yes. Now, some of you might be asking, what is Coom? Is it just your initials with two random O's arbitrarily shoved into the middle? Oh, ladies, yes, it is. But it is so much more than that.
Coom is a lifestyle brand, but it's not just a lifestyle brand. Coom is also a wellness brand. But here's the thing, it's not j... |
dropout | troopers_who_to_kill | In Surgeon Commander Quaison, crude mashed potato mannequin. Guess which one has been in Quaison's cell for the past three months? Anyway, blah blah blah, somebody fucked up, now I have to kill...
Larry! So, which one of you is Larry? Uh... Larry's not here right now. Uh, yeah, and even if he was, he'd say that anybod... |
cracked | 6_stupid_movie_decisions_that_ruined_everything | They classfully decisions in famous movies the hell's all it's got to do with killing the clay Life is his little bonuses Simon says Lieutenant McLean is to go to the corner of 138th Street on Dampster Dam Say hello to your brother I Don't believe this You guys throw me at the wolves and now you want me to go back out ... |
cracked | the_terrifying_truth_about_doc_brown_after_hours | I was promised hoverboards. We're fine. She knows what day it is. Never forget. I know, not usually the guy who freaks out. Hey, yeah, I'm also mad about what Dan's talking about. It's 2015. Yeah, yeah, and that makes us furious. We were told 2014 was going to last forever. That is not what we're mad about.
Oh, no? Wh... |
wearethesundayblues | world_cup_of_thrones_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hey, what are you doing? I'm watching the Soccer World Cup. Yeah, but I want to watch Game of Thrones. Yeah, but I was here first. Change it back. Well, let's try that new function where you can watch both channels at the same time. What, like a split screen? No, it merges them together into one epic show. No, I don't ... |
dropout | minesweeper_the_movie | You're here because you're the best of the best You come to me as beginners when I'm done with you, you'll be experts You are here to sweep my pool. I Hear he finished this one in like two seconds. I'm gonna beat all his records.
What's his problem?
Dad died in the minefield Each time you dig you will find the number... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_lazy_sunday_2_saturday_night_live | It's your Sunday, slept right through my alarm, activate Siri and say, call home! Who this? it's me, Man! your sandbird kicked back! tonight is the night!
Broadway! Scissor Racks! the show's not delayed! let's mark some brunch! I know a cute French place! Meet me outside, Crush! my core is ripped! that workout was tru... |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_the_mysterious_crandell_saturday_night_live | And now it's time to play the game. The Stars play.
Secret Word with your host, Lyle Rowne. All right. hello and good day. I'm Lyle Rowne.
All right. we got a great game. So let's meet our celebrities. she's better known for her work on the Broadway stage. please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson. Thank you. thank you.
Th... |
dropout | rob_o_connor_on_the_2005_minnesota_vikings | Thank you. Welcome to Raph's Hall of Fame. This is the show where each guest will try to convince me that their underrated favorite should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have our guest, good friend, Rob O'Connor. Hey, Raph, it's great to be here.
Do you have anything to plug, Rob? Is this your chance? Sure. Yeah, the... |
cracked | wizard_of_oz_was_fueled_by_meth_and_everybody_hating_somewhere_over_the_rainbow_cracked_fiend | Color television has been around for so long that even your grandparents probably don't remember how mind-blowing it was to see color television for the first time. You know what? We all know why we're here, don't we? Is it time to crack open a beer? Hey, if you're gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.
What's the time over th... |
cracked | fox_whores_itself_for_cookies | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off Fox's own Dr. Manny as he flexes his medical muscle in a segment on the cookie diet. Hello and welcome to Health Talk. I'm Dr. Manny.
Tell me specifically how eating cookies, because I got some cookies here, how do they work? Or how does it work? There is no magic in ... |
TheOnion | Malicious_Focus_Group_Convinces_Marketers_Cinnamon_Mountain_Dew_Is_The_Next_Big_Thing | Officials at PepsiCo announced today the upcoming launch of Mountain Dew Cinnablast after the company's market research team unknowingly fell victim to a malicious focus group that convinced them cinnamon flavored Mountain Dew was the next big thing. We were a little unsure as to whether or not people would be on board... |
cracked | 4_sexy_and_depressing_french_films_you_need_to_see_cracked_staff_picks_movie_debate | Do you speak French in this episode? Uh, I don't.
Bonjour and welcome to Staff Fix. I'm Danielle Radford and this is the show where me and my friends curate the selection of a video rental store to be. We are once again filming at Fil noir Cinema, which is a combination of a video rental store and a theater. I'm here ... |
SaturdayNightLive | cigarette_show_snl | You're watching mnn Manhattan Public Access at 2 p.m. It's what's that puddle at 1 P.m It's inside the Actors Studio apartment, but we now go live to John Jay Park that wins at me. Hi, I'm Camilla, Double Diamonds and I'm Terry.
Before this is our show cigarette show we have not agreed on the name yet. Here we talk ab... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_religious_cult_members_on_the_weather_saturday_night_live | And now here with the weekend weather, two guys from a religious cult, the hungry claw of the evil one will reach into the throat of all you consider holy and pull its bloodless chest, your hopes and desires and burn them into a black inferno of deceit and madness. You've already got one foot in hell. Taste the fire as... |
dropout | girls_watch_porn_too | Every day, millions of women worldwide have to face the misconception that they don't watch porn, that only guys get turned on by watching a girl with huge boobs get raw-dogged from behind. But the truth is, I watch porn. I watch porn. I watch porn too, frequently.
We have the internet too, you know. And it's time for... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_pregnant_man_saturday_night_live | Hello. excuse me. Oh, hey. it's me, Thomas Beattie, the pregnant man that was on Oprah because I'm pregnant. And a man. Oh, right. Hello. yeah, hey, Thomas. what's up? Hi, Thomas. how are you?
No, nothing's up. it's just, you know, I'm having a baby shower for this little miracle rolling around on top of my prostate. ... |
TheOnion | SHOCKER_SNL_Kills_Off_Beloved_Seth_Meyers_Character_Brought_To_You_By_Late_Night_With_Seth_Meyers | Starfix brought to you by late night with Seth Meyers Wow people are still talking about the shocking twist in the most recent episode of SNL Viewers couldn't believe their eyes as the show killed off fan favorite character Seth Meyers Just as Meyers was about to utter his catchphrase I'm Seth Meyers his young protege ... |
CrackerMilk | prank_calling_youtube_celebrities_crackermilk_podcast_episode_5 | Is this Disney dominating an entire market? 60% of the film market?
Because I've assembled the Avengers of Pranksters here today my friends. And we're going to prank some YouTube celebrities! Who are we going to prank today, boss? We're pranking...
Have you heard of Marty and Michael? What a bunch of fucking good peo... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_21_08_20 | How are you, Errol? Good, mate. Sick as a pike. Wendell, how are you? Very well, thank you. Always good to jump in the booth. How are you going, Clancy? Not too bad at all, not too bad at all.
Zero transmissions in Queensland, we're keeping it that way. New South Wales is lowering, so is Victoria, I mean, when you rea... |
TheOnion | Hack_Pesky_Time_Loops_With_Insults_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | On to the question. So what you're gonna have to do is yell something that the time continuum would be really embarrassed to repeat. This way, it would sooner release you from its endless loop than hear your chiding remarks for infinity. Let me give you some examples.
Time? I can still see your acne scars. Hey time!
... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_spring_break_s_hottest_tips_snl | Hi.
So, Stephon, what are you even up to? catching up on Boston Legal. So, Stephon, tourists are gonna be hitting up New York more and more as the weather gets warmer. Any tips on what they should check out?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm gonna check out some tips, and I got the place for you. New York's hottest cloud is. t... |
SaturdayNightLive | amy_poehler_monologue_anxiety_dream_saturday_night_live | Ladies and Gentlemen, Amy Poehler! thank you so much. it is so good to be back. I have to say hosting Snl is completely surreal for me. you know, when I was in the cast, every now and then we'd get a real Diva host. And I promised myself that if I ever hosted, I would be that Diva. And I am the Best in the world! You d... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jim_jordan_dropped_as_speaker_nominee_trump_gag_order_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
In what many people are calling a high point of his term, President Biden gave multiple speeches this week in which he issued the same strong warning ... |
TheOnion | Report_American_People_Lead_World_In_Compressing_Big_Sandwiches_So_They_re_Bitable | According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, Americans currently lead the world in compressing big sandwiches into sufficiently biteable sizes, outranking countries such as Germany, Slovenia, and Ukraine in their sheer capacity to squeeze BLTs, meatball subs, and grinders into shapes that will easi... |
cracked | creepiest_double_date_ever | I thought it was chills just right now. Sorry, I'm late! Old man McElroy's real ball breaker. I had to go over there in person. This was tonight. I am so sorry, folks. I completely forgot.
Your wife has been showing us a lovely time. Ah, we were just so excited to meet the new neighbors. You guys are pretty hard to pi... |
dropout | world_s_smallest_catapult | What's up everybody? Boost Mobile challenged us to create the world's smallest of something. To essentially shrink something down so small, there couldn't be anything smaller. So the editors all got together and decided the only logical choice would be to create the world's smallest catapult! Let's go!
Look at this ma... |
dropout | Meet_the_Suitors_of_Grant_s_Version_of_The_Bachelor | Get ready for a Game Changer, tonight's guests. Putting the Pan and Peter Pan complex, it's Grant O'Brien. I'm gonna be a little boy forever. Grant, sorry, could you actually keep standing right there for me? What is this? This is Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show. I am your host, Sam R... |
CrackerMilk | how_men_talk_about_big_poos | He told me he was going to get me this dream truck. Boys, boys, boys!
I just came from a public toilet and you're not going to believe what I saw. I saw a poo this big! No way! For the size of my forearm! It was massive! You know, I actually once did a poo that was so big it wouldn't even fit out.
No you didn't! Girl... |
dropout | nutrition_j_a_archives | I'm still here. Let's give a mirror the quiz. No, it's just going to be depressing. What kind of quiz is it? It's a nutrition quiz. You like put in what you eat and it tells you how long you have to live. Oh wow. Me and Jake took a quiz once and it told us which sex in the city's character we were. So don't think you'r... |
dropout | danielle_radford_on_eddie_guerrero | Hello, and welcome to Rav's Hall of Fame, the show where each episode we have a guest who tries to convince me that their underrated favorites should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Danielle Radford as our guest.
Hello. Hi. I'm so happy to be here. I really, I can't wait to defend the honor of the person I will b... |
dropout | tinder_in_a_haunted_house_the_schining_pt_2 | Wow. This place is great. How can we afford this? We got a really good deal on it because of all the murders and the maddening psychic energy exuded by the house itself.
The what? Anyway, I'm sure you guys are excited to get to writing, just like I am, so I'll leave you to it. You guys want to look for some local ass ... |
TheOnion | Deadly_Super_Rainbow_Tears_Through_West_Coast | The Onion News Network, brought to you by New Belgium Brewing Company. Balanced news for a balanced beer.
California is reeling from super-rainbow Percival, which left a trail of devastation along the West Coast. A luminous band of destruction touched down in Santa Barbara and wreaked havoc as far north as Napa. Perci... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_spin_the_bottle | Don't do it, don't do it. My brother just stuck the fork in the electrical socket, and was like, ugh, ugh, ugh. So he ended up dying. Why would you tell the story that way?
Hey guys, who wants to play Spin the Bottle with all dudes? All play. Ugh. Ah, that was weird. I said all play. Hey guys, what are you playing? Sp... |
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