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dropout | guy_loses_on_game_show_and_can_t_even | Hello, and welcome to The Price is Precise, the game show where we get people to look at stuff and then they make a little guess on how much that stuff costs. It's all great fun here on The Price is Precise. Now let's meet our three contestants.
Chris, you like traveling, is that correct? Yes, that's correct. And Pete... |
dropout | det_satan_club | It makes you rigid with fear. If you saw Jesus in yoga pants, you'd shit yourself. Your face would shit.
You'd try to fight us. You Christians love to fight, especially with other religions. You love fighting with them.
But we are Satanists. We desecrate what you love by creating images of a world where... Every reli... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_do_aliens_exist | Aliens do exist and rumor has it they assemble once a year in a field for what they called the gathering of the Juggalos Yeah, they exist I just lost my job to a hyper intelligent being called Glaxar that was willing to work for half my salary I think I would be very excited if they found life on Mars, especially if it... |
dropout | this_purge_bodyguard_sucks_ch_does_the_purge | This is bad. What are we gonna do? Oh, free office of Medicaid. Oh, sick.
Perg.
Sorry. We're just... We're just writing stuff down.
I'm not gonna hurt you. Okay. But I don't know if I'm gonna save you either. What a choice. Okay. Well, that's fine.
No! Okay, well, that's fine. No!
I can't just leave these two path... |
dropout | 24_the_unaired_1994_pilot | Something's wrong, Nina. It's been too long.
Page it. Jack might need to disarm it manually. Email in the bomb schematics. Oh, it's found a room of 50 kilobytes. Jesus. Just print it out and we'll send a bike messenger. And the disarm code?
The glucose is dry, trying, and carting down. Nina!
Jack, the schematics fil... |
cracked | 1_2_08_news_on_cracked_hannah_montana_dennis_kucinich | It's January 2, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. An Associated Press story yesterday revealed that actor Tom Bosley is still going strong at age 80 and will be appearing in a new television movie made for the Hallmark Channel. T... |
SaturdayNightLive | american_girl_cafe_snl | And some more tea for Clarabelle. But make sure Clarabelle knows it's very hot, okay?
Okay. thank you. thank you. Hi there. welcome to American Girl Cafe. I'm Shane. I'll be taking care of you this afternoon.
I still see you're waiting on some folks. nope. gang's all in. Okay. so you're not waiting for your daughter ... |
cracked | how_to_woo_your_crush | And welcome back students, teachers, administrators, auditors, custodial staff, and the animals passing by the window to another episode of the Cracked Advice Board providing you as always with the information and it's necessary. My name is Dr. Winston Cohn and I am an advice expert. Now assisting me today will be my u... |
dropout | inside_teddy_roosevelt_s_oval_office_in_360 | President McKinley has been... assassinated. God damn it. Every time the president dies, we get stuck with some turd of a vice president. Who is it now? Uh, Theodore Roosevelt? Oh, Theodore.
That's good, right? Listen up, pussies! I'm in charge now! And if any of you have a problem with that, you can't talk to my big ... |
TheOnion | Thousands_Of_Girls_Match_Description_Of_Missing_Sorority_Sister | Police in Columbus say they are no closer to tracking down Jessica Hagan, the Ohio State sophomore and member of Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, who was reported missing 10 days ago. After releasing a description of Jessica, who was last seen wearing a tank top, UGG boots, and blue Victoria Secret pajama pants with the wor... |
cracked | 5_background_characters_that_deserve_their_own_movies | Every good movie has a cast of memorable characters. Han Solo, Legolas, Mac from Predator. But what about the characters that don't get a lot of screen time? All the background characters that are forced to just stand around and fill out the scenery while the heroes trade gunfire and witty dialogue. They only have a fe... |
SaturdayNightLive | adam_driver_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Treiber! thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'm so excited to be back! Especially, I have to say, especially during this time of year, I love Christmas. it's my favorite holiday, the food, the music, the family. but largely it's because I have a very deep and personal relat... |
SaturdayNightLive | fast_fashion_ad_snl | Shimu, fast fashion from China, buy online now, style for less, way less, unbeatable prices, dress, ten dollars, shoes, Five dollars, How? so cheap, don't worry about it, men's t-shirt, three dollars, not made with forced labor, okay, modern styles, designer dupes, no prisoners involved, did there used to be or somethi... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Noah | Our family has been chosen for a great task, to save the innocent. The innocent? The animals.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at the new movie, Noah, a rousing and visually ambitious epic that, if one looks just beneath the surface, can be viewed as a religious allegory ... |
dropout | gluten_free_duck | Hi, I'm sorry, uh, do you have anything gluten free? Like a brown rice tortilla or maybe some quinoa crackers? I am totes not trying to be high maintenance or anything, but like I can't eat gluten. Yeah, no see the thing is I'm pretty sure I have a gluten intolerance. I read this pamphlet about it at hall foods, change... |
dropout | if_youtube_held_the_hunger_games_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_4 | I think it's called a tumor. There's a ton of them, but don't worry. They're all like 30 and out of shape I'm Lizzie Beth makeup and lifestyle 10 million subs.
What's your channel? Oh, I don't have it I just opened my account three years ago to comment on a video of a goat talking. So you're not even a youtuber So wha... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_film_critic_terry_fink_s_2022_oscars_predictions_snl | It's officially Oscar season and here to give his predictions for Hollywood's biggest night is film critic Terry Fink. Mr. Joe's Tis a privilege to be back, my Sir Terry.
I I understand you've seen every single film up for an Oscar this year. is that right? Bingo-hos and every film not nominated to it's been one heck ... |
cracked | where_is_santa_claus_located_w_juniper_quorators_podcast | You hear that oh, I hear it. It's Christmas morning time to open your pod present Welcome to cracked.com Home of the fact This is the courageous podcast where your hosts Alex and Jeremy, I'm Alex Jeremy and it's Christmas morning And this is a podcast where we read Quora, and that's all you have to know about it What e... |
cracked | aretha_jane_fonda_belichick_week_in_douchebaggery_2_15 | It's Friday, February 15th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Rex Friedman, Lex Friedman's evil twin. It is Friday, and it's time for some douchebags. It's the week in douchebaggery.
Yes, yes it is. Thanks chorus of me, uh, uh, chorus of my twin brother, that was a close one.
She only talks dirty on NBC, and... |
CrackerMilk | the_magic_of_friendship | Oh my goodness, Sarah, I've had the best day with my best friend, you. That's me. And these fishy and chippies we bought, they truly are scrumdiddlyumptious. Would you like another chippy? I'd love one.
Pop it in my gob. Wow. Pop it in my gob. In your gob. In my gob.
Best chippy for my best friend. Mmm. Yum, yum, yum... |
SaturdayNightLive | ryan_gosling_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling! thank you! it's great to be back Hosting Snl! I'm here because of my new movie, The Fall Guy, with Emily Blunt!
So don't worry, I'm not going to make any jokes about Ken. because it's not funny. Ken and I, we had to break up. we went too deep. and it's over. So I'm not going to talk... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_248_Esme_Louise_James | Hello and welcome to the Petuta Advocate podcast beaming out of the channel country. My name is Wendell Hussey. It is not the familiar voice of Clancy Overill leading off.
He's down at a function in Brisbane, a Broncos function, I believe. And then I think he's also going to the Dolphins function as well. He's got a b... |
cracked | 7_video_game_puzzles_that_made_no_ing_sense | MOST INSIGHT IN VIDEO GAME PUZZLES!
So, how do I untie it? Can you tell me what kind of knot it is? Um, yeah, the big ol' nasty looking kind. Know anything about knots? Sure. Tying or untying? Untying.
I see. What's it look like? Here's a diagram. Follow those instructions exactly. Let's give that knot another try, o... |
dropout | future_raph_s_only_regret_ch_shorts | Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Sucka sucka now. E don't eat that donut.
I'm you from the future. Me from the future.
Why am I missing so many teeth? Tha's not the point. Just promise me you won't eat that donut. So the donut has something to do with me losing teeth? No, no. The donut is full of carbs, gluten, and simple sug... |
dropout | forgotten_disney_princesses_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show. We take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan That's right.
Yeah, not Chastity. Chastity. No. Not very chaste.
I don't know that about it. I don't know. I don't know that. I don't know. We don't know.
Chastity. That name means like a car. Like car... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_april_ludgate_and_leslie_knope_on_working_for_the_government_snl | Well, according to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. here to encourage young people to get involved in local government. Is a longtime employee of the City of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate. Hi, April. what? nothing. you said you came out here to talk about local government.
I ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_31_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Good morning and welcome to another Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. My name is Errol Parker. It is Friday the 31st of January and we're broadcasting live from the Budgie Smuggler booth.
Clancy Overrail is off sick, he slept through his ... |
TheOnion | Obama_Win_Causes_Obsessed_Backers_To_See_How_Empty_Lives_Are | We now continue our coverage of the terrible aftermath of Barack Obama's victory which has left Obama supporters across the nation with nothing to talk about.
For an update, let's go to Jane Carmichael. Jane. Thanks Andrea.
For the past year and a half, thousands of Obama's most obsessive supporters have devoted thei... |
cracked | there_s_no_reason_for_the_suicide_squad_to_exist_yboc | Suicide Squad begins in the post-Superman world where bad guys are filling the power vacuum left by Superman's chivalrously suicidal decision to just not let a woman save the world. She with you? I thought she was with you.
There are now witches and Egyptian gods or some shit and there's an utter dearth of heroes with... |
TheOnion | GM_Recalls_600_000_Vehicles_For_Faulty_Car_Detonators | A battleship is awkwardly propped up against the Ferguson Police Department, an area Facebook user is incredibly stupid, and a local mom's bathing suit is just one giant body-eclipsing ruffle. Appearing only to those who are strong in mind and pure of heart, this is The Onion Week in Review. In a stunning announcement ... |
ClickHole | photoshop_tutorial_master_how_to_make_it_look_like_you_re_channing_tatum_s_father | Hey guys, back with another tutorial here. Today I'm going to show you how to Photoshop yourself so it looks like you're Channing Tatum's dad. Okay, so we already have our canvas open, so we're going to drag in a picture of Channing Tatum. I selected this one earlier, just going to put that right there. Great, looking ... |
cracked | 5_video_game_puzzles_totally_designed_to_gaslight_you_video_game_purgatory | Hi, I'm Lisa Summerscales, and this is video game purgatory. If you use your decoder ring to find the path to the silver key and then spun in a circle and did a little dance just to get to this point, then you already know what today's episode is all about. Insane and arbitrary puzzles. Video game puzzles walk a fine l... |
dropout | the_truth_about_video_games_and_violence_adam_ruins_everything | What's up fam? It's Reaper666 streaming for you live from the Reef Den. Today we're going old school with a classic. We've got Cruncher3, blood-pocalypse rogering. Henry, it's time for lunch. Dad? Get out! Wait, what is this?
Are you playing violent video games again? You're going to wind up on the 6 o'clock news. Don... |
dropout | global_warming_rap_battle | Ugh, this heat wave is unbearable! Whoa there, bud!
Before you get your low degree on, maybe stop and think about how you're spending free on. Aces seem cool, but they sap a lot of power, and those ice caps are getting smaller by the hour. So if you want to chill out, here's a solid plan. Crack that window, or buy a n... |
TheOnion | GOP_Supports_Obama_For_2012_We_Need_More_Time_To_Completely_Ruin_His_Life | A can of soda in the freezer realizes its owner is never coming back. Bristol Palin accidentally mentions her mother's 15 abortions in an interview, and Laffy Taffy sponsors every cobblestone at the Ground Zero memorial. And now what we are contractually obligated to refer to as a week in review. Both straight and gay ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Honouring_The_Queen_A_Proud_Local_Bloke_Leonardo_DiCaprio_Mixes_It_Up_More_September_16 | I can believe it because we're starting to see some green pick on the London plane trees here in the old city district. We're starting to see the cream of the sporting crop rise to the surface. And of course, your favourite sport, A-League, is just around the corner, Wendell.
It is, it is. I'm very excited for that. G... |
TheOnion | police_find_super_sharp_buck_knife | Shortly after members of the New York Police Department found a super sharp buck brand pocket knife earlier this morning, Lieutenant Joseph Mattioli spoke to Onion reporters at the scene of the discovery to update the public on this potentially deadly blade. At 840 a.m. police discovered what seems to be a pretty badas... |
cracked | the_25_check_that_ruined_jerry_springer_s_political_career_cracked_moments_in_history_april_29 | CRACKED MOMENTS IN HISTORY April 29, Jerry Springer resigns from Cincinnati City Council after writing $25 personal check to a prostitute. The name Jerry Springer has long been synonymous with questionable judgment. Best known for his eponymous Jerry Springer show, the trash TV host spent 27 years highlighting importan... |
TheOnion | Michelle_Obama_Introduces_Exercise_Program_To_Combat_Obesity_In_Professional_Baseball_Players | Michelle Obama is continuing to fight for healthy living. This week, she's launched a brand new initiative aimed at lowering obesity rates among professional baseball players. The Take the Field program encourages athletes to eat a healthy diet and get more exercise. The First Lady is visiting clubhouses around the cou... |
Wizards_with_Guns | cool_taco_bell_completely_f_ked_up_our_order_again | Taco Bell messed up our order again! Oh, God! Did they forget my Zorzupa? Where's my Doritos Spanish sandwich? My tanned ranch rods are soggy as shit! Okay, good. My nunky-chunky beef bag has corn. Oh, but they blended my taco tenders! My CrunchWad permanent is temporary! I ordered a greasy siesta vessel.
Me too, but ... |
TheOnion | Couple_Keeps_It_Interesting_By_Bickering_In_Different_Positions_Rooms | Like most married couples, Dale and Barbara Patterson like to shake things up from time to time. Speaking candidly to reporters from their home, the couple of 12 years says they've been able to keep their relationship spontaneous and interesting by bickering in all sorts of different positions and even different rooms.... |
TheOnion | Season_1_Brad_Reminds_Antonio_Brown_Not_To_Discuss_Upcoming_Matchup_Brought_To_You_By_Lenovo | Hey Brad, you see my game last week? And I'm proud of you Antonio Brown, but I'm not going to be charmed by those movie star good looks. Stop smiling, okay dude? I want to talk about next week. We got a big match up and I don't want anyone finding out our strategy. So don't talk to the media, capiche? You got it Brad, ... |
TheOnion | Law_Gives_All_Mistreated_Americans_Right_To_Open_Casino_Season_1_Ep_5_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network report first ask questions later It's a landmark day in the March for Equality here in America Congress passed the casinos for Fairness Act today Which gives every mistreated group in America the right to open a casino it worked with Native Americans It will work for the rest of the count... |
cracked | the_6_most_surreal_celebrity_endorsements_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Crackedin. You remember that scene in Jerry Maguire where the director fires Rod Tidwell? Get on the Capitol! You've been on my asshole, Dick!
That guy doesn't exist. Real commercial directors know... |
TheOnion | Romney_Wins_Obama_Reelected_Supernova_Destroys_Earth_All_Possibilities_In_A_Random_Universe | We're shaping up for a wild ride tonight. The results are starting to trickle in, and it's clear this race is far from over. Our own Jason Copeland has been at the ONN electoral map for 24 hours straight, deep in the numbers.
Well, Obama's re-elected, Mitt Romney wins, the Earth is destroyed in a supernova, all are po... |
ClickHole | these_men_were_at_the_rumble_in_the_jungle_and_their_stories_are_incredible | In one corner, you got George Foreman. He's big, hates possums, and loves Ferris wheels. In the other corner, you got Muhammad Ali. He's quick, smiles at bugs, and doesn't believe in the moon. Both of them think the other one is trying to give them a bath, and they both hate baths.
It was the biggest fight the world h... |
dropout | breaking_dawn_cheating_outtakes | Edward, I love you. You're all that I want. Only you. Forever. I'm sorry, I got it. CUTS! Robert, let's keep your personal life out of this. You're all that I want. Only you. Forever.
Ow! My ear! CUTS! So you're saying... I'm a vampire now? No, just a bitch. CUT! I'm sorry, I keep messing up that line.
Can I get a cu... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Troy_Cassar_Daley_the_Country_Music_Luminary_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Imagine it's 1993, you're wandering around the aisles of a video store with a sweaty wrapped up packet of fish and chips humidifying in your hands. What are you trying to do? You're going to try and pick the perfect movie to go along with your fried dinner.
That is the energy that we're bringing into this episode of T... |
TheOnion | Green_Giant_Takes_A_Stand_Against_Gun_Violence_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_32 | He's big, he's green, and he's coming for your guns. What does the Jolly Green Giants' firearm buyback program mean for the country's gun owners?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. Stay with us. So you can't make rent again this month? Pathetic.
Well, Cash App isn't just t... |
SaturdayNightLive | irish_play_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of A Storm Within by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory Mcfadden. And as I'm sure you're aware, there is a penis in this show. Yes, we go there. and it better not end up online. if you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? so just enjoy it and then let it go. Also, eve... |
dropout | It_s_A_Classic_Virgin_Tradition_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Ti... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cryptocurrency_crashes_mitch_mcconnell_visits_ukraine_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good day, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th, tomorrow is a super blood moon, and according to the most annoying person you know, mercury is in retrograde. Is it me, or d... |
SaturdayNightLive | cnbc_presents_the_third_republican_presidential_debate_snl | Mr. Cain, as more women come forward, you've repeatedly changed your story. how do you explain your inconsistent responses to these allegations? Well, there's been no inconsistency. my story has never changed. to recap, I forgot.
And then I was reminded. then I remembered. And then I forgot having remembered. And then... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_when_harry_met_sally | Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? Are we becoming friends now? Well, yeah.
Let's start with one of the most famous lines from the movie. Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. The original line in the script was, men and women like to go fishing. Billy Crystal ad-libb... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_kristi_noem_shot_her_dog_trump_complains_about_trial_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, it's the first show of Spring, so we'll start tonight with puppy murder.
In a new book, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem revealed that she once shot a dog that w... |
cracked | we_remade_harry_potter_for_20_20_movies | Make a wish, Harry. Who's there? No, post-op, sir! Dang it!
Sorry about that.
I demand that you leave at once, sir. You're breaking and unburying. Dry up, Dursley, you dumb motherfucker!
Well, I haven't seen you since you was a baby, Harry. You're a bit more long than I would have expected, particularly right in you... |
programmersarealsohuman | i_go_to_absurd_tech_conference_ | For me personally, I don't sleep at night. You don't sleep at night?
I wake up to check the markets. And if you are going to allow inside the crypto trading, like it's happening right now, we all see it happening. We all do a little bit of it. We all do.
What is Web4 about? What is Web4 all about? I'm not into this. ... |
CrackerMilk | getting_love_bombed | I'm having a really good time. I've been having a really great time too.
I like your hat. I like the hat shirt combo. It's really nice, monochrome. Wow, thank you so much. That's amazing. We just received a compliment.
What do we do? Tell her to marry us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't want another restraini... |
TheOnion | Social_Security_Scam_Robs_Elderly_By_Convincing_Them_They_Are_Dead | The Bureau of Consumer Protection issued a warning today about a vicious new scam that robs elderly Americans of their Social Security payments by convincing them they are dead. Carter Anderson has more with a Fraud Watch special report. Thanks Andrea. If you're a senior, you need to be on the lookout for this latest s... |
TheOnion | How_Can_We_Let_Darfur_Know_How_Much_We_re_Doing_For_Them | Robert Braun filling in for Clifford Banes, who no longer works on Sundays. A recent survey shows that the majority of people in Darfur are still unaware of how many people in America are raising awareness of the genocide there. How can we better get the word out? We could start by air dropping press releases all over ... |
TheOnion | Classmates_Respond_To_Jessica_Milly_s_Decision_To_Put_Out | Now that multiple Thomas E. Dewey high school sources have confirmed that junior Jessica Millie will soon begin putting out, with many speculating that she'll go all the way with her boyfriend Josh Gibson as early as this Friday, Millie's classmates have been quick to weigh in on the news. Jessica was sitting at this t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Stuart_Broad_Now_A_Judge_On_The_Spirit_Of_Cricket_Architects_Of_Robodebt_To_Be_Treated_As_Guilty_ | My name is Errol Parker. Joining me in the studio today, Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman.
How are the both of you? Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. How are you?
It's frickin' Friday. I'm ready to get out of this. It's frickin' Friday and it's the start of the financial year. Which means it's the end of the previous f... |
SaturdayNightLive | sports_organist_at_a_funeral_saturday_night_live | Mrs. Denton, I, in behalf of the Ziegler Brothers, I just want to thank you for choosing us in your time of grief. you were the people that Herbert wanted. Well, everything seems to be going to plan. there's just one small problem. our regular organist is sick, but as soon as the replacement comes, then we'll get on wi... |
SaturdayNightLive | cinema_classics_snl | You're watching Cinema Classics on Pbs. good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewitt. tonight, we take a look at the 1944 movie musical, Meet Me in St. Louis, starring Judy Garland and directed by her future husband, Vincent Minelli. like all classic Christmas films, the plot revolves around a bunch ... |
dropout | stop_looking_at_your_phones_the_britishes | Right, I've decided that I would rather be lynched and burned than marry the young James Poodle. Or burned and lynched.
Yes, yes. Whichever is the more painful means of death, first. Quite. This is ridiculous.
Would everyone stop looking at their phones? It's as if we can't have one single family meal without everyon... |
TheOnion | No_Values_Voters_Search_For_Most_Evil_Candidate | While many Americans have already pledged their support to a candidate, that's not the case with no-values voters, the political demographic who believe in a complete lack of morals and are committed to carrying out unspeakable acts of evil. The tenor of the political debate right now seems focused on helping people an... |
cracked | why_black_panther_might_be_the_best_marvel_movie_trailer_reaction | Hey, we're watching the Black Panther trailer works out for it It's been viewed a lot, but like it played during the NBA Finals and people lost their shit Mm-hmm I think it's really brave of Marvel to hold on to the title Black Panther because did you know that the character Black Panther? Was made before the actual Bl... |
TheOnion | Bush_Pardons_Scooter_Libby_In_Giant_Turkey_Suit | At the White House this morning, President Bush took part in a beloved Thanksgiving tradition, the official pardoning of the national Thanksgiving turkey. The lucky gobbler that received the pardon this year was former White House aide Scooter Libby, dressed head to toe in a turkey costume. I really appreciate you comi... |
dropout | what_about_blowjobs | What about, what, what about blow jobs In the middle of a dark and stormy night And just the prospect of it's got me feeling alright Yeah, I'm born again Now ladies, let me tell you how to give a proper blow job You start by locating the object in question I believe you'll still find it located in the last place that y... |
TheOnion | New_High_Tech_Voting_Machine_Lets_Voters_Mutilate_Candidate_They_Oppose | Historic levels of voter turnout are expected this year thanks to a new voting machine that lets Americans cast their ballot by mutilating an image of the candidate they oppose. President of the Ohio Board of Elections John Husted explains, while voter support for candidates is at an all-time low, blinding disgust for ... |
cracked | is_darth_vader_overrated_cracked_debate | Come get it, younglings! Not to choke on your ass. Parations. Choking your ass-parations.
Of all the villains, why are you Darth Vader right now? Because he's badass. Darth Vader sucks.
Impressive. Very impressive.
Well, I seem to have the high ground. Intellectually. Okay, can I explain myself? Chosen one? Fine.
I... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_bryant_gumble_saturday_night_live | Well, it's been a big week in the world of sports. here to tell you all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe. Well thanks Brian. Hello again everybody Joe Piscopo Live Saturday Night Sports.
Welcome Brian. Congratulations. Thank you Joe. very much appreciated.
Brian What's it gonna be like to make the jump from sport... |
ClickHole | mario_kart_8_deluxe_is_a_sobering_commentary_on_the_perils_of_america_s_crumbling_infrastructure | Hey guys! Today we're talking about Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, which is the new Mario Kart 8 update for Nintendo Switch. Zach, what did you think of this new update?
Honestly, I was really impressed. With Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Nintendo has delivered a sobering commentary on the decay of America's aging infrastructure. I comp... |
SaturdayNightLive | untold_battle_of_the_sexes_snl | It's been 50 years since Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes. she shocked the world and stood up to misogyny in the tennis community. But what if I told you she wasn't the first? Another victory for Sharna Lee Diamond. there'd be no Billie without Sharna. there just wouldn't be. she taught ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Week_Of_June_6_2014 | New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30 percent more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already knows who he's going to tear apart in his memoir, and parents at a graduation celebrate their child's last accomplishment. Close your eyes and take my hand, friend, for it will all be over shortly. This is The Onio... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rebecca_larue_the_flirting_expert_snl | The holidays are upon us, but they can be less than festive for single people. here to tell us how we can meet a significant other by New Year's flirting expert, Rebecca Larue. Hi, Seth. thanks for having me. uh, well, hi, Rebecca. um, I bet a lot of people are, uh, excited to hear what you have to say. I mean, I think... |
dropout | patrick_wilson_s_stock_photos | Hi, I'm Broadway film and television star Patrick Wilson. Did you know that before I was in Watchmen, the A-Team, Insidious, and CBS's short-lived series A Gifted Man, I worked steadily as a stock photography model?
That's right.
I modeled for over 133,000 stock photos. And now, for a limited time, I'm making them av... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_working_out | This is the Crucial Man presented by Philips Norelco Hey, I'm John Gabers here to give you all the crucial information on how to become a man because you need to grow up son Right. Well, we're talking about health and fitness. Welcome to Crucial Man presented by Philips Norelco.
See you ready to get physical What do y... |
dropout | the_roast_of_amir_blumenfeld_part_3 | And now, of course, that brings us to the man of the hour. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Amir Blumenfeld! Thanks, Street Meat. It's tough, it's really tough to go last. I feel like all the good jokes have been said, but thank you very much. Let's give it up one more time for the second through eighth place finishers of the... |
TheOnion | gays_too_precious_to_risk_in_combat | With military recruitment down, and the need for soldiers greater than ever, some say it's time for the military to change its policy of barring homosexuals from enlisting. Joining us today from the Pentagon is General Robert McBrayer. Thank you for coming. My pleasure, Brandon. General, the military has been easing re... |
dropout | every_beauty_vlogger_ever | Hey, it's me, just an average everyday girl next door wearing six cheerleaders worth of makeup. I'm beautiful. I know I seem like I'm a regular girl because I'm such a dork. Is that what I look like? What a dork.
But actually, I'm a business that makes millions of dollars exploiting the authenticity of YouTube. Speaki... |
cracked | how_an_indiana_jones_action_figure_created_the_pg_13_rating | Whoa! Whoo!
Hello, and welcome to Junk History, the show where I scour time, space, and eBay in search of the greatest artifacts from pop culture history and drag them screaming back to my museum of plastic curiosities for the world to delight in. I am your host, Tom Reimann, a tenured professor of junk archeology and... |
TheOnion | NASA_Announces_They_Definitely_Just_Destroyed_An_Asteroid_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_38 | The nation is celebrating after NASA announced it definitely just destroyed a giant asteroid that was heading towards Earth. Oh yeah, totally. There was definitely an asteroid. Super big. But uh, we got it.
And financial experts are recommending that parents set up a bribe fund early to help get their dipshit kids int... |
cracked | exclusive_interview_with_daniel_o_brien_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with an exclusive it's time. I found out about the real cracked from Daniel O'Brien himself I'm gonna do it in the most investigative way. I can by staking out his favorite coffee place They're closed. I might have I might have messed.
Oh, thank God. Okay. Oh, thank God.
Hey, sorry. Sorry.
Hey,... |
cracked | 7_real_deleted_endings_that_would_have_changed_movie_history | Plenty of movies have iconic endings. God damn you all to hell! And the following movies, spoilers, have alternate endings that change their entire stories. No really, we've got the footage. That's the first blood you know. Rambo defeats the evil policeman and turns himself into the authorities, going off to a hero's t... |
TheOnion | Pilfering_Pete_s_Briefcase_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Dredge you something good today. I'm sure you have.
Okay, well this is a briefcase. It's Kenneth Cole. I would guess it was manufactured in the 1980s since it looks identical to a briefcase I own. Lucky man. Actually doesn't look like this briefcase was in the lake for very long. And if we clear away some of the algae... |
dropout | six_flags | I am there, brother. I'm not your fucking brother, and you're not invited.
Why not? Okay, number one, you hate roller coasters. Okay, number one, most of it is waiting in lines, which I love to do. Next. Okay, then number two, that's sad, and number three, every time everybody's hanging out together and having fun, yo... |
cracked | the_5_most_unintentionally_hilarious_kickstarter_campaigns_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to a delightful episode of Does Not Compute, the internet's answer to a PN Calvin sticker. Dib sombrero kind, not the prayer guy. I'm your host, a monkey spider, and with me as always is my co-host, Clips of a Tabby Cat in a Cabbie Hat.
Fancy that. Speaking of the dumbest shit ever, today's ... |
cracked | did_dungeons_dragons_start_the_satanic_panic_canonball | The years, 1973, a gaggle of sweaty dweebs amass out of Wisconsin Comic-Con to witness two powerful mages, Dave Arneson and Gary Gygax, that's his real name, painstakingly combine the rarest gaming elements from myriad genres, conjuring what would become the most powerful game of the 20th century, Dungeons & Dragons. I... |
dropout | shopping_for_a_new_version_of_you | It's always spring. Time to do a little online shopping for a new spring look. Oh, maxi dresses.
Yeah, I could be this girl. Siobhan, girl, sister, this is you.
I look amazing. And tan. You are tan. Girls who wear flowy maxi dresses always have the most enviable golden brown tan in a non-aging way.
By day you're soa... |
TheOnion | a_future_where_all_robots_have_penises_onion_talks_ep_5 | My company works on designing the kinds of robots that we hope to have in everybody's home in a few years' time. Now, the technology is there, but the biggest obstacle we face is people's discomfort with having robots in the home. We think we've overcome that with our newest design, a robot with completely realistic ge... |
cracked | how_not_to_get_away_with_sexual_harassment_with_nick_kocher | Okay, so new business or about old business or anything, you literally started the call with okay, so new business. We don't have any. Look, my cat's in the wind. Not even a greeting.
Yes, it's gross. Yeah. Russell, Big Russ, Taylor.
Boo.
How do you want to think of him? He's going to be joining us on the call today... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_c_developer | You will learn how memory works by creating segfaults. That's a cool feature of C. Oh, man! Great! Can we start? The advantages over Java. Where should I start? Using Java? What? Is your company rich? Memory allocation. Hybrid inheritance. I mean, I think C is a real hero here. I don't really like C++. C sharp?
Yeah, ... |
dropout | a_political_ad_for_your_friend_who_doesn_t_vote | When you're choosing a candidate, you want a regular guy who's right there with you on the issues that matter. So this election day, pick your friend Spencer, who doesn't vote.
Yo, shit is fucked up out there. But also it's like, the whole system is rigged, so who gives a shit? It's like, wise up America, you're a sla... |
cracked | the_mummy_the_dark_universe_why_shared_universes_are_dumb_this_week_in_epcd | Hello, everyone. Welcome to the second episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion, and yeah, it looks like we're keeping that title. This is the unscripted show that will tell you about all the most important things happening in pop culture in a given week that have nothing to do with the president or politics. It's e... |
SaturdayNightLive | close_encounter_cold_open_snl | Thank you all for coming. I am Dr. Pap with Seti, and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons with the Nsa. Now, you're all here because you've experienced a verified alien abduction. Yeah. you know, it was wild. One second, we're three friends on a camping trip, and the next, we're citizens of the Stars.
And, sir, before w... |
dropout | the_next_27_denzel_washington_movies_trailers | I Moved out here for the peace and quiet. Have a great day and love me, Vermont.
Okay Morning, give me bracelet. My dead mother gave me this bracelet. Just give me the bracelet What are you gonna do about it when someone does something someone has to do something?
Mr. Coffee you bring me latte to grandes who needs su... |
cracked | did_you_know_die_hard_was_a_terrible_book | Hi, welcome to the very first episode of Katie's Book Club, where I read a story, watch the movie adaptation and definitively answer that ever-present question, was the movie better than the book? As always, it's me, your host, Katie.
To kick things off, I am starting with Roderick Thorpe's Nothing Last Forever, or, a... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_aunt_linda_on_the_latest_hit_movies_snl | Well, this has been a great season for hit movies. here with her own takes on the movies is her old friend, Aunt Linda. All right, Aunt Linda, long time no see.
Wow. hello, sass. someone's gotten some work done. I'm actually Colin. you haven't been here in a while. what have you been up to? Well, I'll tell you. Nosy O... |
dropout | the_app_app | Like every 20-something, you've got a lot of ideas for apps. But just how brilliant is yours? Find out when you download the App App, available for your iPhone or Droid. An app that converts your text into voicemails.
No! The App App is the app for anyone who's ever said, I should totally make that app. An app that te... |
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