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TheBetootaAdvocate | Have_you_ever_been_left_behind_at_a_video_store_Liam_Hemsworth_has | Do you have any memories of like going to the video store and like discovering films that you love? Yeah, like the first place I was allowed to go to by myself was Blockbuster and I could take my scooter and I could pick a movie and I felt very grown up. And I remember picking up my girl thinking that it would be like ... |
dropout | crap_you_liked_an_old_instagram_post | Trapp, look at this. Hang on, I'm trying to solve this Rubik's Cube.
Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Great. What's up?
Oh, she looks nice. How do you know her? We've only got like one mutual friend, so I probably only know her in passing.
If I'm being completely honest, it is super creepy that I'm on her Instagram. I'm als... |
dropout | hiding_in_the_world_s_worst_hedge_maze_the_schining_pt_6 | What are we gonna do? Trap's not insane!
And the rest of the hotel is full of psycho-sexual ghosts! Oh, yeah! Oh, the sex-gusts.
Hey, do you guys think if I have time- Your answer, Graff! Break your alley, Katie! I'm coming for you! Oh my god, he's coming! Let's hide in the maze! It's time to take your medicine!
Ove... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_73_guy_sebastian | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well here we are back at the Batutah Advocate radio show in downtown Batutah, Daru Street Baxter Boots studio and today's guest, as many of our guests, made a long, long trip to get here.
He's from Adelaide so techn... |
dropout | dogs_are_practice_babies | Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Friedrich, I took a look at your test results, and I think I know why that home pregnancy test was so confusing. What does that mean? Is it bad? Well, that depends. Do you want kids? Umm, maybe eventually, but right now? I see. Well, it looks like you're having a dog. What? You're having a dog? You k... |
dropout | The_Game_Show_of_Nerdy_Corrections_Lord_of_the_Rings_Jurassic_Park_Star_Trek | From booster packs to booster gold, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people. This is um, actually. And joining us today, we have returning Shane Crown. Happy to be here. We have brand new Luke Field. Very happy to be here. And also returning Danielle Radf... |
cracked | a_chilling_tale_of_drugs_in_the_workplace | Daniel, I spoke with the sergeant and he'd like to see you. It's important. Jesus Christ, Michael! What did you do this time? I spoke to Sarge, who said he wanted to see you. Then I came here and you wasted both of our time asking silly questions.
What's your deal? I got a... My deal? It's that I'm trying to get my jo... |
cracked | stories_from_history_that_should_be_horror_movies_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Grant podcast live! How are you guys? Thanks for coming out. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked. Get the housekeeping out of the way up front. And basically, this is the annual Spooktacular. I am really going to call it that again. Wherein we tell the scariest tr... |
cracked | the_dark_realities_of_being_blind | Oh hi! How are you? Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with the video or your computer. I just wanted to show you what it felt like when I woke up almost entirely blind one day. That should be enough. Hello again! My name's Lindsay, and I was born with sight, but then I went to sleep one day and I woke up with almost n... |
cracked | how_the_internet_turns_your_mugshot_into_a_creepy_business_cracked_explains | Hello, I'm Daniel O'Brien, the creative director of video at crack.com, author of books and guy who so far hasn't been convicted of any crime Though not for lack of trying. If you're an adult American There's a 33% chance that you've been arrested and if you've been arrested in the past decade someone official likely t... |
cracked | the_movie_siskel_and_ebert_called_the_worst_comedy_ever_made | It's time for a pop quiz. What's up guys? What movie did critic Gene Siskel call the worst movie of 1992? I'll give you another hint. Siskel's partner in criticism Roger Ebert called this perhaps the worst comedy movie ever made. Sorry, we were looking for Frozen Assets, a movie you've definitely never heard of. It sta... |
cracked | how_flawed_drug_testing_can_ruin_your_life | Hold on, do I hear pot? Okay, just a second there chief. Oh thank god, are you a lawyer? Or a vigilante?
Uh, no. I'm a drug chemist. I work out of a government lab. I'm an expert in drug testing. Well so am I! I test for drugs every single day!
Yeah, funny thing about that. You sometimes hear these stories about some... |
CrackerMilk | why_we_fired_elias_crackermilk_podcast | Hey Char, I just wanted to, I just wanted to address that, that Elias Trantu is strong. Hey Char! Hey, hey, hey. Why didn't you find me back, man?
He's pretty funny, that cat. He hates Mondays. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he hates Mondays.
Meow! I can't feel the cat, meow!
Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episod... |
dropout | seth_macfarlane_s_rejected_pitches_with_mark_wahlberg | Hi, I'm Seth MacFarlane, director of the new movie Ted, starring Mark Wahlberg and a talking teddy bear. You know, I've been trying to get a movie off the ground for years starring a famous person who has a best friend who's a sentient object, but they don't always go over. Here are some of the ideas that the studio's ... |
dropout | movie_debate | No way! Jurassic Park 2 was so underrated! How could you say that? Jurassic Park 2 is terrible! Not true.
Jeff Goldblum is in it, which is great. And the special effects were phenomenal for the time. Special effects? Name one good special effect in that movie.
Um, the part where the T-Rex attacks San Diego. Alright, ... |
dropout | the_run_in | Previously on Full Benefits So, are you dating? Or not? Just put nay. I just, I've tried to be with you.
I know, but I was being stupid. Well, you were being stupid, I started seeing Rachel.
So what am I supposed to do now? I guess things are up to you. Hey! Hey, yourself, horsey. Heading to work? Yep. It's 9.30, so ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_220_Jacqui_Lambie_Tammy_Tyrrell | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms for us. But I ain't spending any time on it. Don't stop wearing the speedos.
You're listening to Decode, the Petuta Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal p... |
dropout | phone_sex_pranks_sex_robot | Kind of do something weird. Is that okay? Oh, yeah, okay I'm into like robots with no emotions that want to be like humans, but can't do you know what I'm talking about? Okay, what model number are you for? Oh? Wow, can you feel any emotion? Doesn't compute. Oh, that's good. You're making me really hot right now. Yeah.... |
ClickHole | moments_that_changed_the_world_the_war_of_the_roses | Throughout history, there have been several moments. Some of them even changed the world. Prepare yourself to witness history like you have never seen it before. This is moments that changed the world. England, 1455. A world without plumbing where a single boat was shared between the earth's 900 residents. It was a ver... |
cracked | everything_you_need_to_know_about_daca_some_news_sessions_dreamers_and_democrats | Hello, I'm a news person. Even though news people don't say hello, they say welcome to the news. And if you haven't heard the news because you've been living under a rock for the last week, first of all, jealous.
That rock sounds great. Where do you find that cool rock? Room for one more in your fucking party rock? Se... |
dropout | collegehumor_undie_run_coverage | Hello, and welcome to College Humor's coverage of the 2010 X Undie Run Challenge, the only charity event that encourages you to look at girls' boobs. Well, they don't encourage you to look at girls' boobs, Amir. It encourages you to donate clothes.
Yes, well, I can't help it. I'm only human, so... Anyway, today we sat... |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_surprisingly_easy_to_kill_an_old_person_ | Ronald! What? Am I dead? No. Damn. What are you two talking about? Herb wants to know if he's dead. Well, is he? I don't know. I'm asking. Herb! What? Are you dead yet? No. Who is dead? Who?
You remember Evelyn? From origami club? Has she really passed away? Yeah, she thought a glue stick was chapstick. Now she's with... |
cracked | how_to_tell_if_your_friends_are_real | Today's topic, identifying fake people. Oh, you're back. Welcome then to side B of the Cracked Advice Board, providing you, as always, with the information necessary. My name is Cone, comma, Doctor. Assisting me today is my newlywed sister, Cassandra. The first step to ridding your life of fake people is to identify th... |
TheOnion | Christina_Aguilera_Tour_Canceled_Due_To_Fan_Exhaustion | In music news, the remainder of Christina Aguilera's Girl Out Loud tour has been abruptly cancelled amid reports that the singer's fans are suffering from exhaustion. Ticketmaster announced the cancellation in a statement saying, Unfortunately, the tour has had to end to allow Christina's fans time to recover from her ... |
dropout | how_tall_is_grant | So we're agreed. Trapp definitely killed Pat, and we need to call the police. Yes.
How tall are you? Like, I feel like if I look at you like this, I can tell that you're clearly taller than everyone else, but... Sometimes I feel like you and Katie are the same height. You mean how in our videos, sometimes they have to... |
cracked | the_7_most_incredible_displays_of_pointless_talents_cracked_tv | Everybody, welcome to episode 27 of Cracked TV. Say what? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh instant mustache. With me as always is my co-host, lines from Casablanca that would have taken on a sinister undertone, had Humphrey Bogart been a convicted child sex offender. He is looking at you, kid. By the power vested ... |
dropout | hardly_working_mugging | You're not gonna believe what happened to me. I was mugged. What? You okay? Sit down, man. Yeah. It was terrifying. Jesus. How did it happen? Well, I owe me your $450, right? Right. So I went to the A-10 machine down the street, and while I was there, this big guy threw me up against the wall and mugged me. Before or a... |
cracked | 5_things_you_shouldn_t_be_able_to_buy_on_ebay_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 4 of Crack TV, proud sponsors of single women against insane murderers. Go get em gals. With me as always is my co-host, Clips of Hardcore Pornography.
Wait, I'm sorry, hold that thought Clippy, I'm bidding on this Hasselhoff keychain on eBay. No way Hofffan, you got the speedo, now i... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_spot_of_tea_saturday_night_live | And then once again, to a spot of tea, where me and the girls share our favorite hot beverage and gab about the news of the day and gossip and such. Oh, such gossip We do! indeed we do! Yes, as always, we are coming to you from our summer cottage in the Maldives.
And if you're wondering what this machine is in the mid... |
dropout | tankini | And our time spent deeply alone in the closet. Or not. Maybe you were never in a closet. Maybe you're still in the closet.
Either way, thank you for watching. If you're listening to this as a podcast, know that there is also a video component. And you too can know how many candles I'm holding at the top of each episod... |
dropout | nantucket_j_a_archives | That's why you got once crazy! You were crazy. You ruined it. How did I ruin it?
Where do I even start? What are you doing? Alright Jake, this is for the win. Alright, watch and learn boys. Oh, there's such shit!
So what are you grilling? Chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken nuggets?
No. I don't want to see them u... |
dropout | what_minority_report_computers_would_really_be_like | Okay, let's do this people, the 2017 All Hands meeting. Now Katie's going to be taking thorough notes, so you don't need your computers at all, you can put them away and just listen. Alright, let's get started. Hold on one second, let me just set up my new computer. Fancy. Alright.
Zach, take it away. Okay, well based... |
cracked | week_in_douchebaggery_amy_winehouse_the_mob_and_more_2_8 | It's Friday, February 8th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and don't you wish your girlfriend was hot? Like me?
The World Health Organization is asking all nations to increase their efforts to reduce premature deaths from tobacco-related illnesses.
Wait, who is asking? Yes. Who? The World Hea... |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Host_Undergoes_Horrifically_Painful_Surgery_Live_On_Air | Well, that's it.
Tomorrow's my big day. I'm going to go in for surgery and hopefully you'll come along. Now, I do have to admit that I am in a bit of pain, so I'm really looking forward to this procedure. And with your support, I think we're both going to find out that having surgery just isn't as scary as it sounds. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_remember_lizards_on_being_a_backup_musical_guest_snl | Every week at Snl, as you know, we have a musical guest. what many people don't know is we always book a backup musical guest just in case. So please welcome tonight's backup musical guest, Remember Lizards.
Hey, hey guys. don't be here, Goll. I'm very stoked to have you.
Remember Lizards, that name sounds familiar. ... |
dropout | Breaking_News_Season_7_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | Breaking News is back. Hello and welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Breaking News.
The absolute truth on Dropout America. Hello America and only America.
A new season of the least trusted name in news. Today's top story, billionaire Nepo baby Sam Reich announced plans to launch Burning Sam. But the lefties wouldn't let me.... |
cracked | why_pixar_movies_are_all_secretly_about_the_apocalypse_after_hours | You must have known this day would come there's a finite number of things We can talk about it, but you have no idea how much this will hurt me Can we just kick me in the balls for eight minutes attacking you okay? It's just wait you'd actually let us do that Yeah, they're on target. That thing's sacred Michael. We alw... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_star_wars_force_trainer | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Pat Castles and today we are playing with the Star Wars Science Force Trainer. Introducing the Star Wars Force Trainer. Now you can use the awesome power of the force to move an object with the power of your mind. The wireless force trainer headset uses the latest technol... |
cracked | 5_of_the_most_regrettable_celebrity_cameos_in_simpsons_history_canonball | People love to believe that Matt Groening and the Simpsons have predicted every major world event for the last three decades. The Higgs boson, FaceTime, Tesco's horse meat hamburgers. I'll admit it sure looks that way sometimes, but the reality is that the sheer volume of random specific fiascos they concoct is bound t... |
cracked | if_breaking_bad_was_made_for_kids_board_game_parody | I want 20 percent. My stuff's the best in town. We both know it. You're right. Kyle, what the blaze is going on in here? You'll spoil yourself.
What the fuck? Where did you get a gun? How did... Oh shit, oh shit. He was gonna fuck things up for us.
Always go full measure. Get rid of the body. Get rid of it. Whoa, hey... |
CrackerMilk | driving_tips_for_beginners | Hi there, my name is Anklin Badani. Today I'm going to teach you some easy driving tips. Let's go. Let's go One of the biggest things learner drivers have trouble with initially is learning how to start up a manual car It can be a little fiddly with that old clutch. So let's rev this puppy up and show you a couple of t... |
cracked | can_a_person_die_from_laughter_w_django_gold_quorators_podcast | I don't know why this one look kind of looks like a Darth Vader style Mike. Yeah, this is what he uses for recording his What's your body count I'm really in a one and done kind of guy none of this is gonna be in it Alex You gotta save this dog juice. Yeah, I'm gonna bring it up organically. Okay, and that's and we're ... |
SaturdayNightLive | morning_announcements_snl | Good morning, St. Andrews High School. I'm Sister Clarence with your morning announcements, and joining me, as always, is my best friend, the woman who puts the fawn in key, Sister Cecilia. Hello. All right.
Well, it's Monday, and I had an interesting weekend. I finally watched Sister Cecilia's favorite film, a Star I... |
cracked | why_video_games_still_don_t_understand_sex_video_game_purgatory | Hello, I am Lisa Summerscales, and this is Video Game Purgatory, the show that takes a hard look at video games, but when the video games take an even harder look back, it's like, oh no, please don't! Today's episode is rated M for, man, video game sex is weird. Any old game can have a bad sex scene, thanks to technica... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_don_king_saturday_night_live | Saturday Night Live Sports. Superfight Saturday Night for the Paperweight Championship of the World. Rocco Winaretto meets Wendula. Opiscopo Live Saturday Night Sports. Ringside, Rocco, Wendula, What a night. we've been joined by Super Boxing promoter Don King. Thank you, Joe. I'm just delighted to be here at Saturday ... |
cracked | hollywood_doesn_t_know_how_drinking_works_reckless_disagreement_deadpool_james_bond | Welcome to Reckless Disagreement, the only show on the internet that you can trust. I'm your host, a paranoid recluse, and here's a clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Now when I saw that scene as a kid, I just assumed that's how grownups got drunk after they made me go to bed. But when I grew up and started drinking o... |
SaturdayNightLive | old_enough_longterm_boyfriends_snl | Netflix viewers love Old Enough, the hit Japanese show that follows toddlers as they go on an errand all by themselves. And now we're remaking it here. But since Americans don't send toddlers out into the world alone, we have to find an equally helpless group. And we did!
Here's a sneak peek of Old Enough's long-term ... |
dropout | who_cares_about_heart | from phoenix force to phoenix right nerds are passionate about a lot of things but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people this is um actually joining us on the episode today we have Shane crown hello Jenny Lorenzo let's get dangerous and Erica ishy hey how's everyone feeling good super... |
dropout | why_you_don_t_own_your_tech_adam_ruins_everything | What in tarnation? Who are you? Hello. I am Cory. He is Adam. And this is Adam Ruins Everything.
Well, y'all better get the hell off my property, y'all. Hey, don't touch my stuff. Oh, if the tech industry gets their way, none of your stuff will be yours anymore.
You know that long license agreement you got to scroll ... |
dropout | How_Gillette_Scammed_Women_Into_Shaving_Their_Legs | Sorry guys, I'll just be a few. I don't want to scare any children with these sasquatch legs.
Yep, people definitely get judgy about women's leg hair. But the fascinating thing about shaving is almost no one did it regularly at home until about a hundred years ago.
What the fuck? Emily, is this some sort of purge shi... |
SaturdayNightLive | good_morning_greenville_snl | Time to wake up and stand up tall until your neighbor. Good morning. Y'all good morning, Greenville. It's your girl, Gail Gonson and ya boy Mason Monroe reporting for booty.
Definitely sprung here in South Carolina, and if you're wondering what all the buzz is about, it's Cicadas. That's right, cicadas only appear eve... |
dropout | what_the_english_goalie_was_thinking | okay here comes the ball we'll stop the ball stop the ball stop the ball gotta put out your hands and stop the ball so we can win this game for mother England weird that it's mother England and not father England and why is it mother nature but father time if mother nature and father time had a baby it'd probably be so... |
cracked | 4_u_s_presidents_whose_lives_put_action_movies_to_shame_badassing_your_way_through_history | Welcome to Bad Assin' Your Way Through History, I am Daniel O'Brien, head writer for crack.com and full disclosure, I love presidents, so if I had my brothers, every president would have his or his own movie. Except Millard Fillmore, who... fuck that guy. He's the worst.
Do you hear me, Fillmore's ghost? Get at this. ... |
dropout | you_weren_t_supposed_to_see_that_photo_hardly_working | We were on the beach, and we were camping, and we saw the most incredible sunset.
Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh. Uh, I gotta get back to the work. Me, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, at least we- You've seen too much.
Ooh!
No! Wish I didn't have to do this, Raph. I love you like a brother. No, please!
You know what you saw. I didn't see... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_110_Tom_Madden_CNBC_Asia_and_Sky_Oz_Business | They have opened up a few things in Queensland this week, cafes, five people in the house, et cetera, et cetera, so unless you are an absolute psychopathic socialite, things should feel back to normal. Tattoo parlours, however, still closed. And gun shops. Gun shops and adult entertainment. Yeah, your nephew would be a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_22_billy_the_twelfth_man_birmingham | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooner Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello and good afternoon if you're listening from inside the channel country and a very good afternoon, good evening, good morning, slum out puggy, slum out mulum, whatever whatever if you're listening around the wo... |
TheOnion | RNC_Speech_Students_Should_Stop_Taking_Handouts_And_Find_Their_Diplomas_In_A_Lake_Like_I_Did | Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
The most entitled generation in our nation's history is being seduced by liberals like Hillary Clinton, who think college should be pretty much free. Well, not free. They want us to pay for it.
Maybe they should hear more stories like mine, because I got my educa... |
TheOnion | Slamming_Boss_Against_Wall_Shouting_I_Need_More_Cash_Still_Leading_Tactic_For_Securing_Raise | calling it the most effective means to reaching one's full earning potential. A new report issued by the Employee Benefit Research Institute this week found that violently slamming one's supervisor against a wall and shouting, cash I need more cash, is still the leading tactic for securing a raise amongst American work... |
dropout | i_wish_my_dad_was_will_smith_whip_my_hair_parody | I wish my dad was Will Smith So pissed that my dad did me so wrong Paid no attention to my wishes, he couldn't pull it off I wanna sing a hip-hop song I'm stuck with this sweater I need to be the kid of a really famous actor So Will Smith, yeah Can you pull up Ranjalina, take a side trip right to my house And adopt me ... |
dropout | A_Deadly_Dinner_Party_Kingpin_Katie | Katie. Welcome to my home. I'm sorry boys, but we'll have to put our p-knuckle game on hold. Come on in. Why did we even start the game? We knew Katie was coming over.
Might I remind you that it's rude to talk behind people's backs? Oh yeah, that was all died. I didn't even say a word.
Katie, please, come on in. You ... |
cracked | logo_design_only_as_important_as_your_company_is_pointless | Yeah, I didn't do it. I chose not to do it. Well, that's not really an answer.
Me! I got it! I can go all the time.
Chris, in any organization, a mutual respect, if there's one thing I learned from my time at Friendstone, it's that what I was asking for, and I'm quoting the email here, were thoughtful, fresh, synergi... |
SaturdayNightLive | manningcast_cold_open_snl | Hey everybody, I'm Peyton Manning. And I'm Eli Manning. his brother. Yeah, I think they know we're brothers because of the same last name. Oh yeah. Now this is our Manning cast where we do live analysis of what's already playing on Tv. normally we do it during Monday Night Football. yeah, but tonight's not Monday. it's... |
cracked | mc_will_the_shakespeare_rap_youtube_extra | Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come praising language, the word perseveres, bury thy fears, our salvation draws near. Bardric bad-ass Billy D. Shakespeare has mastered with haste, iambic pentameter, such that the chastest examiner, an amarete, must become, like on spring, that has sprung, should they... |
dropout | Welcome_To_Dropout_tv | What's dropout.tv?
I've never heard of it. Not a lot of people have.
Oh, hello, over here! Yes! We really want it! So, this...
I believe in you. That's me! You're welcome! I have anxiety!
This is a game show. But it's not about the points.
Oh, hey! Count it off, twins! Ooh! Ha ha ha ha! Ow!
You didn't say I'm act... |
dropout | katie_gets_busted | Hi, Postmates. I'd like a Chicago-style pizza.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I confess.
Save it for the judge. Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. What is in this? It's Alaskan Fury.
It's cocaine and over-the-counter painkillers. I'm sorry, but I thought that cops only tasted drugs like that o... |
SaturdayNightLive | sabrina_carpenter_espresso_live_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Sabrina Carpenter. ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] Back down my finger, my twisted humor mak... |
dropout | magic_8_ball_murders_w_eli_roth_kyle_maclachlan | When I die, I kind of want to put my remains in a box, just like on display, like in the lobby of a movie theater. Hey, that's super morbid.
Hey everyone, and welcome to my slumber party where I invite guests over to play fun sleepover games. And, as you know, you only invite your best friends to your sleepover. So th... |
SaturdayNightLive | biden_panda_cold_open_snl | We now go live to President Joe Biden's press conference after his long-awaited meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Happy Thanksgiving. it's me, your old boy, Joe. Now, let's get started to keep things on the rails. I'm gonna read from the teleprompter. All right, great meeting with President Roman Numeral 11. e... |
dropout | the_tron_lebowski | Deep down inside a computer, there was a problem I want to tell you about. Sometimes there's a program, I won't say a hero because what's a hero, but sometimes there's a program for his time and place. Are you a user?
Yeah, I've been known to partake, man. Master control knows you're Flynn. I'm not Flynn, I'm the dude... |
CrackerMilk | dad_s_dying_wish | He's only got moments left. If there's anything you wanted to say, I would say it now. Dad. Son, I've not got long left. I have a final wish.
Anything? I need you to come out of the closet. What? You need to live your life honestly. You must admit to being gay.
Dad, I'm not gay. A father knows these things. I've know... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | NSW_s_One_Wish_Australia_s_New_Immigration_Policy_Land_Cruisers_Take_To_Rocky_More_May_7 | It's about time, except for poor old Sydney, they've got a mask up. No dancing, dancing's been banned down there in the steak and kidney.
You're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. Errol Parker, how are you as well?
Good mate, just keeping track of all of these blood clots happening up he... |
SaturdayNightLive | dick_cheney_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | The following is in address by the Vice President of the United States evening. I'm Vice President Dick Cheney here to talk to you about energy. Earlier this week. I unveiled the outlines of this administration's energy policy policy, which sadly has been lacking during the preceding eight years. This policy recognizes... |
SaturdayNightLive | sabrina_carpenter_feather_nonsense_live_snl | Once again, Sabrina Carpenter. whoo-hoo!
I feel so much lighter like a feather if you are my one. Ooh oh, it's like that. I'm your dream come true when it's on a flatter for you. when I try to make plans more than two hours in advance.
Oh, yeah I slam the door. I hit it north. I say no, no, no, no, no I cut you off.
... |
dropout | collegehumor_plays_would_you_rather | So the office has been playing this game would you rather and we can't agree on anything we can't agree on anything And we couldn't agree on anything so we decided that the best way to settle things So we decided the best way to settle things would be on an internet video. It was on an internet video Would you rather h... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_guy_who_just_bought_a_boat_on_romantic_summer_getaways_snl | Well, with covid restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.
Oh, Joe. Ah, Moto Bellissima. Guess who's got two tickets to bumpin'' thighs? Yes. All right, man.
I'm already regretting this, but ... |
SaturdayNightLive | enrique_s_daughter_snl | All right, you guys, glad we're all here. our company, Burt's Bees, is being acquired by Jurgens, which is owned by Aveeno, which is owned by Yoplait, so it's gonna be a new chapter. I think it's exciting. you would. What is that supposed to mean? Sorry, I drank a celsius this morning, and I am on one. Okay, uh, well, ... |
TheOnion | Ninja_Parade_Slips_By_Town_Unnoticed_Once_Again | In Modesto, California today, crowds turned out for the annual Modesto County Ninja Parade, which once again passed through town entirely undetected. This is our fourth straight year coming and we've still never seen a ninja. According to an arrow scroll delivered straight into the heart of the city clerk, this marked ... |
TheOnion | Classified_Bill_Defends_Against_Flesh_Eating_Classified | Congress shall now vote for approval of H.R. 8791, the Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill. A said bill requests emergency response funding up to and including, I'm sorry, this section is classified, dollars to prepare for a national level terrorist attack and or attack from classified. Funding for first responder per... |
CrackerMilk | crackercast_episode_3 | Hey hey hey hey hello everybody welcome to cracker cast episode four maybe five four three i think it's number one a curse big being being in the longest land and everyone together. Wasn't that a beautiful exercise. That was really good. We just spent the last maybe ten seconds or so just talking normally and not defin... |
cracked | homeland_scarecurity | No, leukaemia is not one of the diseases you can transmit sexually after rewrite the whole third act sway. Oh, Brian I need you war dogs in my office. Oh now hundred hours before because I got some homemade pie. Yeah, I'd like your thought song Wow, this is really good There's this time you used I'm certainly healing m... |
TheOnion | Heartbroken_Santorum_Condemns_Gay_Marriage_For_Two_Timing_Jerks_Like_Nick | Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, a staunch opponent of gay marriage, launched a bold new coalition today called Americans Protecting Marriage From Homosexual Jerks Like Nicholas Wiseman. In an interview with The Boston Beacon, Santorum said, quote, gay men like Nick Wiseman are endangering the institution of marriag... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_chloe_fineman_and_sarah_sherman_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. Good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, four Presidents visited New York City at the same time on Thursday, three to do a joint fundraiser at Radio City, and one selling bibles door-to-door. ... |
dropout | wrestling_analogies_and_d_ck_comparisons_comment_show | Hey welcome to the comment show the only show on College Humor we do not edit that out.
I'm joined this week by College Humor writer reformers Adam Conover and Brian Murphy hey how's it going who literally just walked in from the DMV yes how was it I was there for like four hours I had to go to two separate DMV's so I... |
dropout | Does_Liking_Murder_Podcasts_Make_You_FREAKY | Deletin' all the emails I don't want to read.
No. Raph. No. Raph. Oh.
I'm sorry, I'm just being a total freak over here. Yeah, you're just being kind of loud. I'm listening to a freaky little murder podcast. Yeah, I love those. Do you mind just keeping it down?
You don't get it. This is not one of your regular podca... |
dropout | hardly_working_new_editor | Hey, how's it going? I'm Dan. Convenience Dan. Since you're the new editor, we were thinking we could get you started editing this hardly working. Sounds good. Alright, cool. Let's walk and talk.
Violence can be really fun. We do a lot of stuff with fake violence. A bottle of fake blood.
I mean, basically, just watch... |
SaturdayNightLive | exorcism_snl | Can you save her? can you save my daughter?
I mean, Father Murphy, I can't perform an exorcism alone. you are going to Hell! I'm going to Hell!
Honey, hear my voice! I know you're still in there, Claire. did someone just knock on our door?
Uh, it's the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?
Oh, Father, this i... |
cracked | why_more_games_should_be_like_pokemon_snap | So guys, uh, this is the best game ever made Coming in hot coming in hot It's called Pokemon snap. It's a game where you're Todd snap and you live in the Pokemon universe But you're not a trainer.
You're not anyone important. You don't run a gym. You don't get badges You don't battle Pokemon, but you do find Pokemon a... |
dropout | why_most_internships_are_actually_illegal_adam_ruins_everything | Man, is this my desk? This is so cool. Could we make it a standing desk, though? Standing is really good for you, though I do love to lean on occasion, and squatting has recently been shown there.
No, I don't know. Maybe I should have hired another intern. Ah, yes, the great American intern. They get our coffee, they ... |
TheOnion | Judge_Dredge_Courts_Denise_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Good evening, madam. I am very pleased to make your acquaintance. I am Santonio. Yes, I've heard about you, Santonio. Oh, well, everything you've heard is true. I am great. And tell me, what is your nod?
Denise. From the Greek Dionysus, god of winemaking. How is it, Denise, that we've never met?
Well, I just started ... |
dropout | why_the_tsa_doesn_t_stop_terrorist_attacks_adam_ruins_everything | It does not stop this time, so I should be back for dinner. Yeah.
Nervous?
No.
We take off our shoes, so it's all very state-of-the-art, so I'm just glad they're here to protect us. Love you. Actually, the TSA doesn't protect us from terrorist attacks. Yeah, I'm not just a stranger, Phil. I have a TV show. And you'r... |
cracked | 6_most_eerily_convincing_ghost_videos_on_youtube_the_spit_take | Hello the internet, my name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and in this episode of The Spit Tape, we're looking at the creepiest horror movie scenes hiding in clips on YouTube. Hey, people who believe in ghosts and alien abductions. We have videos of sharks jumping out of waves to attack surfers and... |
TheOnion | opt_out_of_olive_garden_s_bread_bowl_it_s_your_right_troublehacking_with_drew_cleary | So, a lot of you are riled up about the unlimited breadstick bowl at the Olive Garden. For those of you who don't know, as soon as you enter an Olive Garden, you're automatically enrolled in their bottomless breadstick bowl.
They don't ask if you want it, they just give it to you. And they make it kinda difficult for ... |
SaturdayNightLive | oscar_statuettes_snl | For the best original screenplay, the winner is Benjamin Fieger.
So, what are you? What? what are you? what do you think, jerk? you mean. that's right. best Picture, the Big One. Wow. Well, sir, it's a real privilege to stand next to you. Yes, sir-ee. my name's Oscar. how do you do? Mine's Oscar. nice to meet you, Osc... |
cracked | 4_things_superhero_movies_don_t_have_the_balls_to_do | Superhero movies are such good business nowadays that every film studio in Hollywood is rushing to put one out, so that they too can ride the billion dollar franchise train of congratulatory sex and cocaine straight through the gates of Valhalla. Still, despite being the biggest money makers in the history of cinema, H... |
cracked | 4_times_danny_devito_was_a_legend_behind_the_scenes_canonball | Danny DeVito sure has played some despicable characters throughout his career. He rose to fame as the cruel and amoral head dispatcher Louis in Taxi. He currently plays the even crueler and amoral-ler Frank Reynolds on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And he's perhaps best remembered for his portrayal of a soiled, fu... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_42nd_street_saturday_night_live | Come On, get back after it, you guys. Get out there. Come on, there's hot dogs in the back. Hand those tutus in. Hey, don't worry about that, Inspector. That's just temporary, huh? Excuse Me,: are you the producer of the Star World Theatre? Uh, no, I'm the fire marshal. That's the, uh, producer. Gosh, I Just can't beli... |
dropout | bad_tv_pitches_orphan_flippers | Do you want a water? No.
What's up, guys? Hey! Ralph's friends. How's it going? Good, good. Come on in. Okay, cool. Thanks so much. Been about six years now. Wow. Really? How did you guys meet?
The Jewish community. I didn't know Ralph was Jewish. He's not. He was dating this Jewish girl and I used to date her.
We s... |
SaturdayNightLive | vomiting_for_luck_snl | Live From New York Live Live From. I'm terrified. I look ridiculous. Live Saturday Night Saturday Night Live Live From New Hello I'm just scared to death. I was running over a few of my lines scared.
Why? You're gonna be fun, man, you shouldn't be worried about we asked for it's gonna be fun. you're funny guy down. he... |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_life_in_the_jetsons_universe | Man, sometimes I wish this were the Jetsons. Like that you were watching the Jetsons? Or that I was singing the Jetsons theme song? No, that life was like the Jetsons.
Did you know that George Jetson only works at 9 hour work week? Less than two hours a day. Just punching a button, making sprockets. Two hour work day.... |
cracked | bookmark_hoarders_reality_tv_about_real_problems_cracked_classic | Good morning, Kevin. My name is Dr. Octogani.
I am a professional therapeutic organizer, and I am here on behalf of the television show Hoarders. We are here to help you with your hoarding compulsion.
Sweet. About time. Come on in. The place is stacked. Let's go, guys. Now, watch your step.
The taco smell bags are d... |
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