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TheOnion | Man_Not_Sure_He_s_Dynamic_Enough_To_Work_At_Local_Marketing_Firm | While waiting to interview for a web consultant position with local marketing firm Bizco, applicant Ryan Ehrlich told Onion reporters he wasn't entirely sure he was dynamic enough for his prospective employer. When I first saw that the agency was looking for a leader willing to contribute as a valued member of the team... |
cracked | why_andy_is_secretly_the_villain_in_toy_story | Hi, introductory sentence. Moving on.
Pixar is famous for putting hidden easter eggs in their movies. One of them is, okay, wait. So Pixar is actually famous for making movies that are heartfelt and funny and enjoyed by both children and adults and they look amazing and they're great. That's what they're famous for. B... |
SaturdayNightLive | heaven_scene_snl | Hey folks, it's me Dave and I'm here to remind all the kids watching that smoking is not cool smokers are. Anyway, I want to give you guys a heads up that I'm not gonna be in this next sketch cuz I'm getting a little older and I need a little rest. but the sketch is really fun and I wanted you guys to see it. So I aske... |
dropout | this_twisted_freak_likes_halloween | Ahhhh-ly! What happened? I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing for the holidays. Do you know what you're doing?
Well I know what I'm doing for Halloween. That's my favorite holiday. Oh nice! I guess if I had to choose. I know! I'm so weird! Oh it's not weird at all. It's a very popular day. Yeah for a little fr... |
cracked | 4_glitches_that_turn_video_games_into_horror_movies_video_game_purgatory | Hey everyone, I'm Lisa Summerscales, and welcome to Video Game Purgatory, the show that takes a hard look at video games and says, ooh, fun, or ew, no, or meh, there's a lot of options. Today's episode takes us through the most terrifying glitches in gaming. I mean, so far. We'll never stop making games, and presumably... |
dropout | the_freshman_15 | When I was young I'd eat everything Then burn it off with daily outdoor exercise But now I sit on this bed with multiplayer Gears of War Drink a lot of both our favorite sweats we say This pizza is incredible Can't stop stuffing my face And it's edible I fell in love at the first taste For the love of me I cannot remem... |
ClickHole | watch_these_amazing_fan_reactions_to_the_shocking_game_of_thrones_finale | parts coming up shut up luke no why why did you do that oh no fucking way oh fucking way no no no no no no no no no no no no no oh god what the hell why what are you fucking kidding me i'm fucking sick of this show god damn it why do they have to kill everybody no come on i can't believe that just happened every time t... |
SaturdayNightLive | pimp_chat_nypd_officer_saturday_night_live | You're watching the Pimp Channel. live from the back of a Rolls-royce Limousine, parked outside Club Sugar Shack at Nelson Avenue in Harlem, it's Pimp Check, starring Bishop Don Mcdonald. Oh, yes, indeed. I'm Bishop Don Mcdonald. And you're watching Pimp Check. Because whether you're a pimp, a Mac, a player, a hustler,... |
SaturdayNightLive | update_rosa_santiago_saturday_night_live | The Writers Guild of America's contract is set to expire on October 31st. in anticipation of a potential strike, Nbc has asked other employees to step up and help out when needed. here now is longtime Nbc employee and future weekend Update Joke writer, Rosa Santiago. Hello Everybody. Hello Rosa. Hello Amy. Hello Rosa.
... |
cracked | facebook_behaviors_we_should_all_avoid_next_election | Well, it's that time of the every few years again, the time after election time. Shouldn't have said it like that. Well, it's after election time again, and that means that we have several years to work really hard on how we act on social networking sites right before, during, and after a big election. For starters, le... |
cracked | organizing_the_first_hunger_games_stuff_that_must_have_happened | President Snow, hello, this is Cleo-co, down in... Yes, happy Hunger Games to you. Listen, none of these kids are Hunger Games-ing each other. I just think no one child is strong enough emotionally to murder another child. Physically, too. I mean, at the end of the day, little kid arms are just...shit.
Oh, oh, thank y... |
Fitzthistlewits | support_my_kickstarter_project_tropes_vs_zombies_in_video_games | Have you ever noticed that, with a few notable exceptions, basically all zombie characters in video games fall into a handful of cliches and stereotypes? Hi, my name's Fitz Thistlewitz, and I make shitty videos on YouTube. I'm also an avid supporter of the undead, one of the more marginalized and often forgotten groups... |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_on_fox_cold_open_snl | You're watching the Nfl on Fox post game show. Boy, was that an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia's been set on fire, which means the Eagles lost or won.
I'm Kurt Menefee, joined, as always, by Howie Long. I have the glasses, so I am the smart one.
Hall of ... |
dropout | i_know_where_you_got_your_opinion_from | That is the problem, if Congress were really representational, there would be a hundred atheists.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah?
Atheists are the biggest minority group.
Where did I? I've heard this before. Where do I know this from? Stuck at a party with the woman from accounting you never talked to, introducing Shazam for ... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_the_hot_date_presented_by_gears_of_war_3 | So, Arisa. So... What?
I'm sorry. I'm really nervous. Tell me a little bit about yourself, like, um, you know, aside from the fact that you have perfect skin. Well, I'm really into video games. Me too. I have the high score for snake on my phone.
The key is to eat all of the apples before you hit your tail, which sou... |
dropout | hardly_working_human_wrecking_balls | Guys, we've got to stop wasting money. Our profit margins are razor thin. Hey, Rockefeller, would you stop crushing that ice and melt slower with its hole?
Oh, geez, I'm sorry I enjoy the finer things in life. Oh my god. I forgot to pay Timmy Giovanni this month.
You mean Timmy Two Toes? Who said something about toes... |
cracked | the_star_wars_prequel_we_want_to_see_cracked_responds | All of them? Here we have another White female lead. It's great, right? Cuz like we don't see a lot of franchises You know, they literally it's literally the biggest film franchise in the world and for the last one They were like, you know what do a protagonist black guy white lady. Yeah, most of the world was like, pl... |
dropout | this_turkey_is_a_total_tilf | Well, hands are weird, right? They're very high before I get in here. I'm going to immediately impute them.
Hello and welcome to the first ever College Humor podcast. We're trying this out. We're recording this live to tape and we're just going to give you a little glimpse into some of the stuff that goes on backstage... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_and_michael_longfellow_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good evening Everyone. welcome to weekend Update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. you guys are not going to believe this, but Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week and it didn't go great.
Kanye West made anti-semitic jokes and said, i like Hitler, which ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_13_03_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates News Bulletin here recording live from downtown Batutah in the Old City District in the Budgie Smuggler booth. Now they are our sponsors I'm sure you're aware by now and autumn is around for a little ... |
TheOnion | Adjusting_Several_Sliders_On_Recording_Studio_s_Mixing_Console_Pays_Off_Big_Time | I-90 adds a lane for drivers traveling cross country to stop a woman from marrying the wrong man. A job applicant totally nails an interview with the person who will make his life a living hell for the next five years, and adjusting several sliders on a recording studio's mixing console pays off big time. Equipped with... |
TheOnion | More_American_Workers_Outsourcing_Own_Jobs_Overseas | A new report from the Department of Labor finds an increasing number of American workers are outsourcing their jobs. For more on this crucial issue, let's go to Joshua Russell in the Money Room. Thanks, Brendan. For years, corporations have been outsourcing their labor to developing nations as a way to cut costs. But r... |
SaturdayNightLive | robert_goulet_s_red_ships_of_spain_snl | Red Ships of Spain, Red Ships of Spain, The Voice is back. Red Ships of Spain, will our love ever be the same? Robert Goulet is Captain Ferdinand Pancho in Red Ships of Spain. Voice the main sail and scuttle the ship, We won't come home for a fortnight, for reasons undetermined. Yes, the majesty of Robert Goulet, the m... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | senator_jacqui_lambie_talks_to_betoota_about_going_piggin_with_pauline_hanson | all right well we've stumbled into an old friend here miss Jackie Lambie the Palmer United senator from Tasmania how are you this morning Jackie ah yes the power you know I'm an independent senator from Tasmania these days I have to get you boys we get the light male up in butuda Jackie that's finished even buried is i... |
SaturdayNightLive | retired_nbc_anchors_saturday_night_live | All right. I'll go for that.
Hey, first I got canned, then Ellerbe got canned. now you got canned, Ed. hey, it's a small world, huh? Hey, small network.
Actually, Tom, I retired voluntarily. Right, you retired voluntarily, just like Nixon.
Well, Ed, I must run. But first, this. to Edwin Newman, great newsman, And so... |
TheOnion | Cubs_Finally_Remove_Wrigley_Field_Ivy_After_Third_Outfielder_Hangs_Himself_On_A_Vine | Ugh, players camping out at their positions waiting for the All-Star break to end is a recipe for Lyme disease. It's good for team chemistry, you're just afraid of tents Kenny. Never trust a structure that has no bricks, that does it for sleep sessions, now roll over and rub your eyes out, it's time for the face off. T... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_anomalous_man_snl | Bravo! Mr. Beckwith, the play tonight was extraordinary. a real triumph. Thank you, Miss Emily.
I must meet the playwright. I'm afraid he's rather private. Please, I feel like our souls are one, and yet I only know him as the anomalous Man. if you insist. I must warn you, even if you are shocked by his appearance, you... |
dropout | Sam_Reich_Launches_Dropout_America_Breaking_News_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Sa... |
dropout | hardly_working_porky_piggin_it | Okay guys, I hate to bring this up, but HR has been getting some pretty serious complaints from some of the other floors. While I'm not going to institute a dress code, we are going to have to start dressing more appropriately for work.
Hey guys, sorry I'm late. What did I miss? You see, this is exactly what I mean. A... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kyle_mooney_and_sarah_sherman_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. what's your date on Michael Che? I'm Colin Jost. Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th, tomorrow is a super blood moon, and according to the most annoying person you know, mercury is in retrograde. Is it me ... |
cracked | 8_famous_documentaries_that_are_full_of_sh_t_making_a_murderer_super_size_me | Documentaries that really stretch the truth Is fast food really that bad for you?
I mean, what would happen if I ate nothing but McDonald's for 30 days straight?
Would I suddenly be on the fast track to becoming an obese American?
I Averaged out all the calories for the last nine days and you're eating you're still ... |
cracked | lindsay_lohan_naked_and_other_less_important_news_2_20_08 | It's Wednesday, February 20, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and it's been too long, if you know what I mean. Although the citizens in Cuba themselves haven't been too thrilled with the news since they seem to assume that the next president of Cuba won't be much different, Fidel will be replace... |
TheOnion | Report_Growing_Ranks_Of_Nouveau_Poor_Facing_Discrimination_From_Old_Poor | I'm Gregory Dawson, sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is being fitted for a sarcophagus.
The recession, which has left thousands of American homeowners destitute for the first time, may be giving rise to a new form of bigotry. Are traditionally poor Americans being unfairly prejudiced against the nouveau poor? Yes, a... |
TheOnion | Sudden_Ominous_Music_Heard_Across_U_S_Nation_Panicking | If you're just joining us, we are continuing our coverage of the ominous music that is sending panic across the nation. The suspenseful music was first heard throughout the country at 3.10 Eastern Standard Time this afternoon, setting citizens and government officials on high alert. Something really bad is going to hap... |
dropout | raphael_thinks_magic_is_real | She just goes great with everything.
What about apartheid? Hey guys! You know how I'm auditioning to play a young David Copperfield? I've never listened to anything you've ever said.
Well, I want to try some of my tricks out for you. I need a volunteer. Anybody have a wallet?
Alright. For my first illusium, I will m... |
ClickHole | makeup_tutorial_how_to_have_just_one_super_good_eye | Hello all! It's me, Shaina, back with another makeup tutorial.
Today I'm going to show you how to give yourself one super good eye. This is the perfect no-stress look for when you want to make an entrance that leaves people saying, I would give anything for that particular eye. 2016 is all about looks that pop and wor... |
SaturdayNightLive | who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire_snl | Welcome back to who wants to be a millionaire. We have 10 possible contestants battling for the chance to come up here and take home $1 million. the question is, place the cars in the order that they were released from earliest to most recent. the Mustang, the Model T, the Volkswagen Bug, and the Jeep Cherokee. let's g... |
TheOnion | behind_the_pen_how_marriage_works | This is Stan Kelly. Is that what you're looking for? Is that working?
So my editor, it is Infinite Wisdom, says we want to make a video of your cartoon that we're going to put on the computer. And I said, I don't see the value in that. And he said, Kelly, some young people who have never seen your cartoon might discov... |
cracked | fake_wakanda_vs_real_wakanda | Have you ever wondered this about Wakanda from the MCU? So Wakanda is the technologically advanced, vibranium housing city of the Black Panther, and they use this cloaking technology to look like a third world country, including people who are known to the rest of the world as farmers and textile makers and shepherds. ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | wait_iron_man_is_british_now_wizards_watch | Go pop some popcorn. Pop your pussy. I said it so quietly.
Hey guys, welcome to another Wizards Watch. We watch movies with magic in them that you guys suggest. Today we're watching Sherlock Holmes. Suggested by G.D. Bui.
Go ahead and leave a like on this video and on the porn video that you have open that's playing ... |
TheOnion | White_House_Condemns_2020_Election_As_Partisan_Witch_Hunt_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_25 | It's Super Tuesday, and Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls today, but many Republicans are outraged. We don't know for sure if there was in fact corruption. This sham process is the low point in the Senate for me. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a part... |
cracked | the_fan_theory_that_fixes_jurassic_world | Hey guys, it's Maggie Mae Fish here with Cracked and another episode of A Better Way to Watch where we take bad movies and with one tweak, make a much better movie watching experience. So take a seat, eat everything but the Lucky Charms, see, now you got a bowl full of crunchy marshmallows and slap in Jurassic World. I... |
dropout | collegehumor_and_fist_fight_s_one_two_punch_night_of_comedy_in_nyc | You got to thank Warner Brothers for putting this together. This is amazing. Show a lot of love to Mr. Ice Cube. Thank you for coming out, Miss Brooklyn. As you can see, I'm from California. So I'm cold as shit. It's a great movie. I'm real proud of it.
You know what I mean? We don't need to hear from you. We need you... |
CrackerMilk | how_all_siblings_treat_each_other | Connor did you drink my chocolate milk? No, then where'd my chocolate milk go? I don't know. Yeah, then what's that on your mouth?
Um, none of your business actually I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm not afraid of you. I know what makes you tick. You're fueled by two things Tampons and boys guess what dad's actually nev... |
TheOnion | Netflix_Introduces_New_Browse_Endlessly_Plan | In tech news, media streaming giant Netflix announced its new payment plan this week, which offers users the option to just browse endlessly without watching any videos. According to CEO Reed Hastings, quote, For just $5 a month, we're giving customers affordable access to Netflix's most popular function, scrolling thr... |
cracked | cooking_with_babel_fish_pig_boiling_radish_and_egg_entering | Hi everybody and welcome to Cooking with Babelfish. Each week we'll be whipping up a new international dish, but due to a strategic marketing partnership, we'll find recipes written in the recipe's original language and then translate them to English using Babelfish's online translator. So today, all the way from Japan... |
dropout | derrick_s_dickmento | Who am I? How did I get here? I'm not sure. I can't be sure of anything anymore. My name is Alan Mortimer. That much I'm sure of.
Six months ago I was in a motorcycle accident. I survived, but I sustained a brain injury. Now I have a very specific sort of short term memory loss.
It's not a dick, man. I tattoo message... |
cracked | why_the_zombie_apocalypse_would_fail_quickly | We interrupt Are We All Forever to bring you this breaking news. Today a woman crashed her car into a truck on the 841 freeway. She stumbled out, began thrashing around erratically and bared her teeth, attacking a motorist who was trying to help her. Police arrived to the gruesome scene and eventually opened fire on th... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_15th_April | Hello, my name is Wendell Hussey and you're listening to The Petuta Advocate's Daily News Bulletin. We're coming to you live from the budgie smuggler bedroom on the back of another big day in news, but before we get into it, make sure to subscribe to The Daily News Bulletin feed if you haven't done so already as we'll ... |
TheOnion | Obama_Replaces_Costly_High_Speed_Rail_Plan_With_High_Speed_Bus_Plan | President Obama announced changes to his proposed recovery act today, replacing his national high-speed rail plan with a national high-speed bus plan. The switch to the new buses, which cruise at speeds of up to 165 miles per hour, will save more than $17 billion from the country's recovery budget. In a press conferenc... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_120_Jackie_Trad_MP | Errol, have you got a mask yet? No, not yet. I think it's worth waiting to see what the spread is, you know. I don't think we'll need them up here in the Simpson Desert right now. Yeah, we haven't had a recorded case in the Queensland Channel Country yet, Clancy.
I have a few masks. I've got a few disposable ones I go... |
cracked | big_announcement_rom_com_is_coming_back_in_february | Hello YouTube, I have a terrible mustache and Caitlin large is here and that means one thing We're shooting the second season of rom.com. We're happy to announce it if this is the first time you've heard of it We've talked about it before but it's new to you. So it's an announcement It's going really well We're really ... |
dropout | if_sex_ed_was_taught_by_your_wood_shop_teacher | Okay everyone, I am Miss Cathy Gelato, normally your woodshop teacher, but today I'm your sex ed so. So today's topic is the male and female reproductive organs. So let's get started.
Oh and full disclosure, I'm a die-hard lesbian and I've never seen a real life naked man in my life. All right, this is a female's vagi... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | An_Ambitious_Bloke_A_Waiter_In_The_Firing_Line_A_Big_Rebrand_More_October_21 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Bullet and you're joined by Clancy Overall, myself, Errol Parker, editor at large and Effie Bateman, lifestyle editor and emerging tabloid columnist slash netball reporter. How are we all ... |
SaturdayNightLive | roadhouse_bar_snl | Hey, buy you a drink? excuse me? name's Tommy. work at the factory down the road. well, used to, till I made it big. buy you a drink. I'm good. yeah, me too. I'm better than good. used to make 30k a year max at the factory. now, you can add another zero in front of that. in front? Bartender, I'll have a corpse survivor... |
dropout | Political_Paranoia_Full_Episode | Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high without getting caught. A poser is on their team to help throw off the scent. They'll know who the stoners are, but the stoners won't know who the poser is. Through a series of challenges, the other players will try to sniff the stoners out and eliminate them from the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_claims_police_cried_at_his_arrest_biden_downplays_pentagon_documents_leak | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. the person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack Teixeira, who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsman, I assume, in a schoo... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Mulan | My father cannot fight, so I will take his place.
This is Peter Rosenthal, Head Film Critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be looking at Mulan, Disney's latest live-action reimagining of one of its classic animated features and a movie I'm calling, a magical thrill ride that's fun for the whole family. In order to finally... |
TheOnion | Hundreds_Dead_In_Egypt_s_Inspiring_March_Toward_Democracy | Israel builds a new settlement to hold Palestinian peace talks. A report finds that the Washington Redskins name is only offensive if you think about what it means. And a dog is unaware it isn't starving. Allow me to introduce the three-time nominee of the Jacob R. Langley Award for Best Online Video News Recap. This i... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_my_mate_paul_ultimate_compilation | LSD isn't always a happy experience like my mate Paul met this Italian couple whilst he was backpacking and they invited him back to their room for a threesome and they gave him some LSD and when they got there the bloke one pulled a screwdriver on him and made him shit in his own shoe and eat it whilst the woman one f... |
cracked | the_four_best_movie_universes_to_die_in_after_hours | No! We went over this last week. Doug is a metaphor for mental ill youth, and ahh, real monsters is a metaphor for screaming. And, you know, monsters and stuff. Right! And Ined and Eddie!
Cool it, guys. That was my mom. Soren's replacement just ate a bunch of chocolate and died. Cool it, guys? Oh, I'm sorry, man.
You... |
dropout | cheesy_pick_up_lines | Hi, I'm Sean. And I'm Tim.
Cheesy pickup line. Guys use them all the time. Girls have to put up with them.
We're here in the park for Denny's to try some out. So let's see what happens.
Am I dead? Because you're an angel. I just get my knee pretty badly. Does that sound falling for you? Oh. Do you know karate? Becau... |
cracked | 5_reasons_you_re_going_to_hate_hancock | Welcome to Heat by Numbers. Today I'm counting off a Will Smith interview where he promotes his new movie, Hancock. We'll try to find out which is more entertaining, watching Hancock or watching Men in Black while on fire and stepping in a bear trap.
That was really the idea in the creation of a superhero, just a regu... |
cracked | the_10_biggest_lies_from_the_democratic_debate | Please join us in welcoming Secretary Hillary Clinton and Senator Bernie Sanders. Millions of Americans are giving up on the political process. They are working longer hours for lower wages. And yet almost all new income and wealth is going to the top 1%.
Republicans want to repeal the Affordable Care Act. I want to i... |
TheOnion | Earth_Down_To_Last_Cubic_Meter_Of_Resources | An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially-motivated offense for a little support. A middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.
Scouring the Earth for the finest ingredients to include in this hand-crafted, small-batch n... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_brainstorm | And then the monkey is like, what? And that's my idea. Okay, we'll do that for sure. What doing up in here? Uh, we're pitching t-shirt ideas. Oh, weird, I'm pitching a tent thinking about her in just a t-shirt! Right? No, I have an idea. Funny you should say that. Because I brought some of my designs with me, and if yo... |
cracked | drunken_hooligans_answer_all_of_life_s_questions_cracked_improv_2_of_4 | You're a smart guy, you seem like you know a lot of stuff. You're smart to observe that. So right back at you, my friend.
What's a good amount of chromosomes a person should have? A person like me, athletic body, occasional drink of smokes. You're factoring your drinking amount into the number of chromosomes you shoul... |
SaturdayNightLive | lucien_and_fagan_s_antique_shop_saturday_night_live | Hello? hello? oh, uh, yes, Or. um, hi. I'm here to, uh, pick up that antique vase I purchased. Oh, yes, it's being wrapped right now. And may I say, Lucien has outdone himself. Or. Oh, here it is.
Oh, yes, wrapped with love, care, and ribbon. Oh, yes, much ribbon. Uh. yes, we hope you are, uh, please, yes, yes. Uh, ye... |
dropout | when_you_get_stuck_in_a_conversation_hardly_working | Hey Rekha. Oh, hey. Good to see ya. Good to see you too. How are you? Good. Good, good, good, good.
Just got a deadline that I'm working on, you know. Totally. Yeah. So, I'm actually working on a new project. Oh, cool. But I should really get back to that. I actually think you'd really like it.
It's about these two h... |
dropout | watching_baseball_is_punishment | Any last words? Winston Hobart, after being tried and convicted of murder in the first by jury, your peers, you have been condemned to the harshest penalty allowed to the state, watching an entire game of baseball. Mercy in your soul.
And welcome to Livingston National Bank Park. It's a hot one folks, the Pittsburgh C... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_rust_developer_in_2023 | Well, as Harrison Ford once said, if we would have asked the people what they wanted, they would have asked for a faster C++. What made me learn Rust? I wanted to write an operating system in three weeks. I first wanted to write my own systems programming language, but I thought that's too complicated for people. And t... |
ClickHole | former_disney_world_employees_share_their_most_memorable_stories_from_the_park | Man, I was operating It's a Small World when some kid leaned over the boat and fell in the water. Fortunately, each of the animatronic children on that ride is programmed to carry out an aquatic rescue, so I flipped the switch and all 300 of them immediately deploy head first into the water to save. It was such an insp... |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un | The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un! Written and directed by Kim Jong-Un! Made by animators who voluntarily left their families and refugees hanging through the realm of Kim Jong-Un! Kim Jong-Un!
Your show is the most popular show! Everybody loves it! There is only one thing wrong! All glorious, stallion of liberty!
The In... |
dropout | holly_jolly_logs_feel_holly_jolly_pain_live | Oh, what a nice little fireplace nestled in with all of my log friends. Hey log friends.
It's a little dirty. I don't much care for the soot of it all, but it's fine.
I'm gonna hang out in here. Hang on. What's, uh, hey, what's going on here? What are we doing? It's getting a little warm. Well, hide in here. Uh, okay... |
TheOnion | Poll_Happy_Healthy_Obamas_Out_Of_Touch_With_Miserable_Americans | I'm Juliana McAnlis sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is having a blimp named after him. A series of photos released by ABC News this week showing the first family happily flying kites has infuriated millions with its unrestrained display of genuine affection. Are the Obamas locally out of touch with the average unhap... |
cracked | 6_ways_gamers_have_taken_the_fun_out_of_gaming_destiny_parody | Hey, you, uh, come on, you said you'd get dressed! Yeah, sadly, my fate was destiny. Dude, the party starts in an hour, which means you needed to start your detox process 15 minutes ago. Can't go. Goddammit, you were supposed to be the sexual baseline! How am I supposed to impress all those girls by comparison if you'r... |
TheOnion | New_Apple_Friend_Bar_Gives_Customers_Someone_To_Talk_At_About_Mac_Products | Holding on the success of their genius bars today, Apple stores across the country unveiled the Friend Bar, where obsessive Apple users can come to discuss Mac products at length. Onion News Network Tech Trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks Andrea. Apple users looking for someone to talk at about the newest Twitt... |
TheOnion | Congressman_Makes_Preemptive_Apology_For_Extramarital_Affair | Good morning. Throughout my lifetime in public service as a representative of the state of New Hampshire, I have tried to live up to a code of moral values.
Therefore, it pains me to stand before you today and tell you that later this afternoon, I will be engaging in an extramarital affair. My actions at the Washingto... |
TheOnion | Sony_Releases_Stupid_Piece_Of_Shit_That_Doesn_t_Fucking_Work | Tech savvy consumers are lining up today to be the first to purchase Sony's brand new stupid piece of shit that doesn't do the goddamn thing it's fucking supposed to. Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks Brandon. It's being called the biggest fucking waste of your hard earned money to come... |
cracked | 8_creepy_supernatural_videos_science_can_t_explain | Hey guys, thanks for watching that.
Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history?
I know that's the sort of thing you'd typically hear from a 50 year old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_there_will_be_blood | I'm a family man. I run a family business. This is my son or my partner, H.W. Plainview. We offer you the bond of family that very few oil men can understand.
I want no one else to succeed.
If it hadn't been for a marketing miscommunication that resulted in the film's posters featuring artwork from the hit comedy Bab... |
cracked | bad_conference_call_pretty_decent_live_sex_cam | Well, I'm sure she'll be here any minute. You want to get started after how long have you been there man? It's an hour. I always show up to the meetings early kind of surprised to see you here. Mr. Late.
It's not you just Why didn't you say anything before? Now it is I just didn't notice you cuz I had so many tabs ope... |
dropout | ackbar_the_star_wars_talk_show | Okay folks, quiet down, quiet down. We're back.
These Ewok lovers just realized they're related and this man claims to be the father of this young Jedi. Well, we took a blood test and the results are in, in the case of Luke Skywalker. Darth Vader, you are the father.
No, that's not true. That's impossible.
I love yo... |
Wizards_with_Guns | teenz_4_lyfe | Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug ... |
cracked | 5_bizarrely_specific_sexist_stereotypes_in_modern_ads_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm editor-in-chief of Cracked.
And when I say sexism in ads, you probably think of beer ads for men who like boobs and enjoy to party. But we live in a world where a woman can be president and men can hang in the kitchen being total bitch... |
cracked | how_george_lucas_almost_accidentally_made_a_masterpiece_a_better_way_to_watch | Hey guys, it's Maggie Mae Fish here at Cracked with the first ever episode of A Better Way to Watch, the show that aims to fix any bad movie watching experience by changing just one thing. Because as we all know, not watching a bad movie is just not an option. So grab some extra butter popcorn, because that is the only... |
CrackerMilk | stealing_blood_diamonds | Tom, you own one of the most successful banks in the country. And the thing about Tom and Wealth Bank is, you're killing it. You're making bank. Yeah, we steal from the rich and give to the rich.
And you know what? I think someone is planning to heist. What the fuck bro? That bank. We're gonna put together two teams. ... |
cracked | the_women_men_don_t_see_people_watching_season_2_episode_7 | That's the loveliest thing I've ever heard. How's it going with the online dating there? Man, it's interesting.
After about five seconds, you notice how everything on here is so contrary to how women are portrayed in the media. Everyone's just like, fuck it.
I want sex every day. I want to see Pearl Jam in 30 countri... |
dropout | collegehumor_beach_bodies | The gang was at work. Everything was normal. Then Dan's grandma's sister died of scarlet fever and left Danner Beach House. And that's how they sacked him. Don't question the logic. Hardly working the beach.
And now, partos! Sarah! Sarah, what would this be just clothes that are getting in trouble? No, stop thinking s... |
SaturdayNightLive | will_ferrell_monologue_snl | I am So, I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of Snl. I love you, I love you too more than you know. I've always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award. I should win since I'm up against... |
cracked | white_people_rapping_about_rape_what_could_go_wrong_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, welcome to episode Babylon of does not compute the only web series that will be used as evidence in the final trial Of man before the Android high court It's not looking good I'm your host a Mexican Sasquatch and my co-host this week is Japanese instructor and human owl sanctuary in this Hannah minks Hah... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_clinton_succession_saturday_night_live | And now a message from the President of the United States. Good evening, my fellow Americans.
As you probably heard, I injured my knee the other day during a high-level domestic policy meeting with the Australian golfer Greg the Shark Norman in his Palm Beach condo at 1 in the morning. I understand the Republicans hav... |
dropout | sexpectations | When I was little, I didn't have any brothers, so I didn't really know where the penis was on the body. I knew what it looked like. I knew it was between the legs. I wasn't sure where.
I was very confused by how people actually had sex because of the angles. Because I knew the vagina was a hole at the bottom of the gi... |
SaturdayNightLive | dysfunctional_family_dinner_snl | Karen, honey, how was school today? Fine. did you have band practice today, or is Mr. Larson still sick? No, he's still sick.
I had a funny thing happen today at work. when I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. then I realized I had the wrong set of keys. could somebody take your keys? Can I finish the st... |
dropout | rpg_heroes_are_jerks | Look at this, Martha. Paper says Fire Lord Goblin's army has taken over the kingdom. I suppose any minute now we should be expecting a chosen hero. That'll be him now. Oh, hello, chosen one.
How are you? No response, big surprise. Did you want some tea, some lemonade, some milk, some tea, some butter, anything?
No, I... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_hangxiety_snl | Whoo! That after party on Saturday was wild, huh? super wild, man. that open bar got me good.
Yep. can't help but have a little anxiety. anxiety? by what? I don't know. I wasn't, like, weird to anyone, was I?
Michael Longfellow. Kiss Attack. Oh! take your shirt off, man. come on! I want to see them Longfellows.
Dad!... |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_reardon_pain_killers_saturday_night_live | Two large drug companies announced earlier this week that they have developed new painkillers that work without the side effects associated with aspirin and Ibuprofen. Here to comment is our resident prescription drug Expert. yeah, expert. please welcome Collette Reardon. Hi, Kyle. You know, Kyle, there's so many excit... |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_really_into_survival_shows_sponsored_by_ultimate_ears | This is awesome. It's great, right?
Yeah, Darryl wanted to come but you guys know how he is your brother He would have spent the entire time teaching us wilderness survival tips. He learned on TV Loud noises attract dangerous predators. It's the first rule of Survival cool that my speaker is gone.
Hey, Darryl. Name's... |
TheOnion | Should_The_Patriots_Back_Up_Tom_Brady_On_A_Hard_Drive | Talking NFL, and I want to put this question out there. Should the Patriots back up Tom Brady onto a hard drive? He's looking healthy now, but what if something happens to him? I just think it's risky not to even have him at least backed up onto a cloud server or something. This is their franchise QB we're talking abou... |
cracked | settlers_of_catan_with_my_roomies_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another, and I'm going to need to table this week's episode. You get it? Do you get it? You get it?
Behold the land of Canton, uh, uh, blue and green and other colors. And we are here to play this tabletop game. Uh, I'm on camera. Uh, Josh, I'm here, of course, to play Canton with my roo... |
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