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Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_get_fired_while_working_from_home | Hey, Peter, good to see you. Hi, Mr. Henderson. So, I've been meaning to ask- What's going on, Peter? I'm fired, aren't I?
What? No, what?
You're not fired. Oh boy, here we go. This is it. You're not, no. Why would you think- I'll just pack my things and go. We're working from home, Peter. How does that make sense?
... |
cracked | why_the_star_trek_universe_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | Card. Cast. Card.
Who has a pen? You know, this would never happen if we had a replicator from Star Trek. You'd just be like, pen, hot computer voice, and it'd zap right out. Of course, I guess a replicator made food too, so you just do that. You know what I always found odd about Star Trek? Does anyone have a pen?
S... |
dropout | let_s_not_get_a_drink_sometime_hardly_working | Patrick! Grant, how the hell are ya? I'm great, man. What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just grabbing lunch with a trap. Oh, nice, nice, nice.
When's the last time we did something like that? Oh, I don't know. We were supposed to get drinks last month, but then it fell apart.
Oh, yeah. That was great. Yes. We should n... |
cracked | why_last_action_hero_is_secretly_terrifying | Last Action Heroes, the 1993 anti-blockbuster about a year of Arnold Schwarzenegger's life that he would desperately like to get back. It's also the beginning of the improbable riddle, who's gonna look better in 20 years, Schwarzenegger or Charles Dance? Which will be brutally answered decades later by Charles Dance's ... |
cracked | 3_foreign_countries_that_just_don_t_give_a_f_ | Hey, welcome to another episode of the spit take which is shockingly the best name we came up with for this show You're listening to mad city off of the album good kid mad city and speaking of recordings of real life more Violent and terrifying and impressive than any action movie. This episode is about The window chec... |
TheOnion | Gap_Unveils_New_For_Kids_By_Kids_Clothing_Line | GAP Kids! The popular children's clothing store rolled out a new line of apparel this week that's sure to be the must-have fashion trend for the under 10 set. Brian Scott has the story. It's a simple idea. A line of clothing sewn by children, some as young as six years old, halfway around the world. GAP calls this inno... |
SaturdayNightLive | family_band_snl | Babe, I'm so excited for you to meet my brothers. you remind me so much of them. I'm a little nervous. No, don't be. they're gonna love you. you guys are, like, identical. Well, if they're Niners fans, like you said, I think we'll get along just fine.
I knew you guys would razz me. this is Patrick. Patrick, these are ... |
TheOnion | Candlelight_Vigil_Held_For_Legal_System | George Zimmerman wins the Florida State Lottery, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym for Newt Gingrich, and the man who couldn't beat George W. Bush is now attempting to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Rumors that we laid off 1,800 members of our audience at the end of last week's video were grossly ex... |
dropout | breaking_up_with_your_throuple_hot_date | Michael, we've been in a polyamorous throuple for how long now? Six wonderful months. Six months, and it has been fun, but, um, we need to talk. Uh, like, like, you and I need to talk or we need to talk? Classic throuple question.
We just think we're moving a little fast. Oh my god. Are you breaking up the throuple? N... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir | and Improv comedy let's do improvisational comedy that sounds great action and really for this we need to random volunteers Random as one Super random dame bitch Raise your hand if you want to just come What hold on what's what's your name? So not random Like super like your name, it's like No Okay Ariel she's an actua... |
cracked | dane_cook_once_performed_for_seven_hours_straight_at_the_laugh_factory_just_to_spite_dave_chappelle | You know about the time that Dane Cook performed for 7 hours straight just to spite Dave Chappelle? God, the only thing worse than a pissing contest between two dudes is a talking contest.
In April of 2007, Dane Cook set the Laugh Factory's record for longest uninterrupted set with a set of about 4 hours. Beating Rich... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_m_m_s_trilogy | Welcome to Bleakbloop. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Dan Kline and Pat Cassels. Today, we're not just playing an M&M's video game We're playing three of them Reads new life into the arcade racing by combining adventure elements and high-speed racing with the funny and poetic style of candy competition You know, the style of... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_nintendo_robot | Hey Unbelievable, we are joined by a very special guest. Simon Rich, writer for Saturday Night Live and author. I'm Jeff Rubin, and we're also here with Pat Cassels and Sarah Schneider.
And R.O.B., your robotic operating buddy from Nintendo. This thing came out in 1985, so we're talking free Twitter. And they included... |
Wizards_with_Guns | never_speak_of_what_happened_in_this_bathroom_ | That's perfect, that's perfect. Okay, okay, ready?
Three sad men with no friends played mad libs.
So Randy, when are you gonna tell us what happened to your neck? You mean my turtleneck? I got it at Marshall's. It was a great deal. No, your neck. You know what else was a great deal? This cowboy hat. Pretty distractin... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Perfect_Timing_Telling_Details_Putin_Opens_Up_More_September_30 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy overall with me today in the booth is Effie Bateman there's a lot going on in the world people are all over the shop people are hungover we've got the NR... |
TheOnion | Love_Sounds_With_Martha_Saunders_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_13 | Hello, Topical listeners. Today is Valentine's Day, and since I have nothing to offer on the matters of love and romance, we want to play for you a special bonus episode of another OPR podcast, Love Sounds with Martha Saunders. Join Saunders as she explores the world of 21st century romance and answers listeners' quest... |
cracked | shia_labeouf_s_introductions_cracked_responds | Do it! This is a cry for help, you guys. Is he cool? I think he might be cool. Do it! Just... Do it! Turn left! Stop giving up.
This seems to suggest that it's actually performance art. Well, I don't know if he's yelling at me or if he's yelling at himself. I think it started... Me? Okay, so this is about me.
Make yo... |
dropout | should_you_post_a_selfie | Junkin' up. Yeah. Hello. Do it. Take a selfie. Here? In the bathroom? Mm-hmm.
Isn't that a little narcissistic? Selfies are empowering. They help young girls redefine the standards of beauty. Oh, that's nice. So stick out your tits and take a picture. Adores. I'm just concerned that this is gonna come across. It's lik... |
SaturdayNightLive | state_of_the_union_cold_open_snl | You're watching Cnn good evening, I'm Abby Phillip if you're just joining Us. President Biden has finished delivering his State of the Union address. Biden needed to show energy tonight, and he didn't disappoint. After a brief 45 minutes of selfies on the way to the podium, Biden began his speech with a bang. let's tak... |
TheOnion | Greyhound_Now_Offering_Premium_Upgrade_To_Slightly_Less_Disgusting_Seats | At Greyhound, we're committed to providing our customers with an exceptional travel experience.
And that's why we've outfitted our 2014 line of motor coaches with new deluxe roadway seating that's moderately less disgusting than our traditional fare tickets.
For a flat surcharge of $35, customers can upgrade to our e... |
cracked | how_video_games_are_making_professional_sports_obsolete | Rice is lined up behind his quarterback as the single back. All's it in for the first down. Oh, come on, man.
You said we could watch the game. You're watching the game. We're literally going to watch football together.
Literally, figuratively, all of that. We're killing it. I'm proud of us. You know what I mean. The... |
dropout | tweetlejuice | Hey Sparky. Babs. Twitter got you down. Overwhelmed by boring tweets. Who are you? I'm Tweedlejuice. Twitter expert.
All around IP. Hosts with the most. Now I know what it's like. Your friends get on this whole Twitter thing. They start announcing the world that 30 rocks of rerun.
Their meatloaf went bad. They're stu... |
cracked | the_terrifying_future_of_video_games_taking_your_money | You know, your questions are actually really distracting and I'm trying to f**k every f**king time. Oh, and great.
Now she changed maps. Maybe she changed maps.
This is just consequence free repetition, man. You start another game, set magic. No one. I can't just start another game.
There's this kid, this punk, who ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | wwg_battlefront_2_livestream | You gotta change the name Star wizards gaming live stream and say battlefront to live stream star wizards battlefront to live stream To say battlefront to live stream, it's normal wwg battle Oh wait put a link to our patreon go to our patreon just type in our patreon cuz we're gonna be promoting it a little bit In case... |
TheOnion | Attractive_Girls_Union_Refuses_To_Talk_With_Mike_Greenman | In just a moment, we'll be hearing a statement from the Attractive Girls Union, which is still refusing to enter talks with Mike Greenman. For months now, the Attractive Girls Union has declined to negotiate with Mr. Greenman or even smile back at him when he smiles at them in a bar. Let's go live to that press confere... |
dropout | every_youtube_gamer_ever | Welcome to every YouTube gamer ever, I'm Guy with weird facial hair wearing a Zelda shirt. Unnecessary theme song! Um, no. Who thought this was a good idea? Uh, does anybody else have a headache?
Sonic the Hedgehog was made for the purpose of rivaling Mario in the 1990s. Uh, arrival for Mario? I think that job is take... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_ego_nwodim_mikey_day_and_chloe_fineman_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thanks. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. he got Brittany Griner back. he kept marriage gay.
And he's only got 14 more sleeps until Santa.
But then, just when... |
SaturdayNightLive | rocket_report_staten_island_ferry_saturday_night_live | And now the Rocket Report. Here they come, hundreds of commuters rushing home after a hard day at work. a common sight in any city, anywhere in the world. Hi, I'm Charles Rocket in New York City, and this is the Staten Island Ferry. What's so unusual about this particular Staten Island Ferry?
Well, we have reason to b... |
cracked | whitehouse_com_the_naughty_non_government_website_of_the_late_90s | Many middle school students fondly remember their first visit to the White House. For some, it was a tween-age glimpse of representative democracy through the window of a greyhound bus.
And for others, like the kids of the late 90s and early 2000s, it was the best way to trick your teacher into broadcasting softcore p... |
cracked | everything_you_were_taught_about_johnny_appleseed_is_a_lie_if_history_were_honest | Good evening, I'm Roger It takes gumption luck and a bohemian spirit for one to emerge a legend from the churning current of time I should know as arbiter of history chronicler of legend and Lord of time humans strive to achieve Immortality through heroic deeds in the short time their feeble flesh vessels roam the eart... |
cracked | 3_movie_mysteries_with_answers_hiding_in_plain_sight_cloverfield_district_9 | District 9 is a movie about aliens who get stranded on Earth and walked off into a shanty town. Wikus is our human protagonist who is sprayed in the face with an alien fuel and thus turned into an alien? Yep. Now, Wikus isn't the most likeable protagonist, but he ends up making an alien friend and helping him build a s... |
SaturdayNightLive | tsunami_press_conference_saturday_night_live | Bad stuff happens. Cnn is there. Coincidence?
Good afternoon, I'm Frederica Whitfield. we have received word that President Bush is about to give another press conference with former President Clinton and his father, former President Bush. we now take you live to the White House. Good afternoon. thanks for coming out.... |
CrackerMilk | bezos_zuckerberg_gates_have_a_secret_meeting | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Crackamoke podcast. The three of us will be leaving and instead characters we are playing will be joining as we are in the Illuminati meeting. That's right, we have access to the Illuminati and I am Jeffrey Bezos. And I am Bill Gates. Hello, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.... |
dropout | everyone_thinks_they_re_an_expert_hardly_working | Pitch meeting is at one right? Yeah but if you don't have any pitches it's totally fun.
What? Is that true?
No yeah totally we don't do any work here.
Guys I'm so stressed out. My roommate is really mad at me but won't explain what happened and it's just complete radio silence when I go home. Oh Katie that sounds li... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_war_on_drugs | Welcome to Bleak Bloop. I'm Jeff Rubin and this week I'm with Pete Holmes and Pat Cassels. We are playing a video game so advanced you don't even need a console to play it. You can just put it in your regular DVD player. You already know what it is, of course.
It's the classic crime patrol 2 drug wars. We've put it in... |
SaturdayNightLive | live_with_regis_and_kelly_donald_trump_saturday_night_live | Oh, well, well, good muck. I am in a fantastic mood this morning. Oh, wow, for once. Oh, boy. what did you do last night, Regis?
Well, I went to a big party last night at Taven on the Green to celebrate the release of Diane Caro's new record album. Ooh, fancy. Well, it was very fancy. I mean, this party was star-studd... |
dropout | well_well_well_late_for_work_again | Shavon, work starts at 9 a.m. it is 11 30 where were you oh huh I was at the dentist I'm going to the dentist a lot lately yeah soda hmm your mouth sore boy yeah gum stuff it's funny because I was at the dentist earlier and I didn't see there so is I Cynthia hey yeah I didn't actually make it to the dentist uh I had ca... |
dropout | photoshop_tutorial_rap | Ah, my eyes are red. How am I supposed to put these pictures on Facebook?
Yo! I hear you got a problem! Who are you?
Yo, I'm CMY killer, here to answer all your prayers So import the speed, they follow, open up a new layer When it comes to red eyes, I know just the fix Back your ass up and let me channel mix You know... |
cracked | david_lynch_s_forgotten_absurd_sitcom | Hey, did you know that David Lynch made a follow-up sitcom to Twin Peaks and it was hated so much that only three of the seven episodes ever even aired in the United States? Before becoming the internet's most accurate weatherman, David Lynch was one of the world's favorite weirdos. This is a donut. He spent that 1980s... |
cracked | how_avatar_will_actually_be_remembered_throughout_history | Do you remember Avatar? Of course. Isn't that crazy how no one remembers Avatar? I guess, but I don't know. Have you considered my half of this conversation that we're having here in the present? Avatar is objectively the highest-grossing movie of all time and will be for the foreseeable future until some Star Wars Ave... |
cracked | why_they_ll_never_stop_making_zombie_movies_monster_management_episode_3 | well you know yeah but you sleep during the day so maybe but at night you watch you guys go out yes usually not usually sometimes you know ring ring you call Dracula coming out tell you about the episodes you missed out you got it bar you got it but I'm like now mmm after the meeting I will go I will call you okay I'll... |
dropout | A_Cavalcade_of_Carreys_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome back to Breaking News, a show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
I'm your host, Drew Carey. And ... |
dropout | I_Hate_My_Kids_Says_Most_Moms_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to do or say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I... |
ClickHole | 6_people_describe_what_it_s_like_to_share_a_birth_month_with_mickey_rourke | It's the best! I mean, I love it. Come on, it's Mickey Rourke, how could it not be amazing?
I'm a Prince of Autumn, and that's all there is to it. Sharing a birth month with Mickey Rourke means spending September living like a rock star. You walk into any shop you want, and you walk out with a brand new, totally free,... |
dropout | darth_seder | Thank you guys for being here. It really means a lot to me that you wanted to celebrate my heritage with me on this important night. Happy Star Wars Day, everybody. May the 4th be with you.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. And Baruch Katankaloin. Luke is going to become a Jedi. There are two sons on Tatooine... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_chelsea_snl | So you guys remember Chelsea? your ex, Chelsea? yeah. oof. I haven't thought about her in a while. Yeah, honestly, when you guys broke up, it was, like, such a relief. yeah, she was kind of the worst, man. just, like, a negative person. like, a bad person. yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be li... |
TheOnion | Online_Dating_Streamlines_Rejection_For_Women | This Valentine's Day, millions of single women are wondering if they'll ever find that someone special. Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate explains how the Internet has revolutionized the way women irrationally get their hopes up.
Thanks, Brandon.
As February 14th approaches, sad, lonely women across t... |
TheOnion | China_Celebrates_Status_As_Number_One_Polluter | Turning to world news now, party officials in Beijing are celebrating the findings of a new UN study, which for the first time ever listed China as the world's number one producer of air pollution. Joining us now from the Chinese embassy to discuss the study is Ambassador Shulan Ning.
Thank you for being with us, Mr. ... |
cracked | 12_10_07_news_on_cracked_al_gore_ice_storms_oprah | It's Monday, December 10th, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm Spartacus. Oprah Winfrey joined Barack Obama several times over the weekend for campaign rallies to help improve Obama's standing with African-American voters. There it is folks, that's the bell. Racism is officially dead in America.... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_46_Tanya_Plibersek_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners and welcome to the Batooter Advocate radio show here for another week and alongside me here is Clancy as always, how are ya? Good thanks mate, yes you are listening to Clancy and Errol on Desert Rock... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Most_Liveable_City_A_Downgrade_Some_Perfect_Timing_More_June_24 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Hello and welcome to your weekly Batutah news bulletin. It's been a busy few days here in the newsroom out in the heart of the channel country.
I'm Wendell Hussey. We've got Effie Bateman in the studio with me once again. Effie, how are... |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_jason_wants_to_put_solomon_in_a_home_snl | Here's no man. hey, no man. you can't bring that old shit back to your bed. No man. hey, no man. you need it Boy. hey, if you an Irishman, I'm a head ram. you know what I'm saying? I ain't doing nothing. black nigga in the place talking about you Irishman. you ain't doing fools. Hey, boys. it's all the man, man. what's... |
dropout | Everyone_Should_Eat_Bugs_And_You_Already_Do | Hello chefs, today you must use the everyday ingredients in your baskets to prove to Miranda that even though she doesn't realize it, she actually eats bugs all the time. If your dish doesn't cut it, you will get squished. Okay, open them up. And our contestants have bugs, bugs, and more bugs. My strategy is to tell th... |
cracked | 5_evil_organizations_we_wouldn_t_mind_joining_in_movies_after_hours | Okay, I get one guy being an evil genius, okay? If you got enough money and resources and history of abuse to like stop the Earth's rotation or hold the moon hostage, I get that. But what I do not get are the hundreds of henchmen that follow him. I mean, how do you build and operate a laser designed to blow up the moon... |
dropout | winter_real_talk | Whoa, what's up, dude? What do you mean? What's up, dude?
Look at us. We're identical, man. This isn't supposed to happen. Nah, man, we're different. Look, I got these pointy- Whoa, no, this thing is- Whoa. Yeah, we are the same.
What's this mean? I don't know. I don't like it.
Do you guys think it's strange to leav... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_78_hello_sport_nrl_finals_edition | Well welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, you re joined by Clancy Overall, myself and Errol Parker, editors of the Petuta Advocate and this week we have special guests in the shape of Tom and Eddie from Hello Sport and of course they re well known for their unqualified opinions and unwavering bias which they... |
dropout | Mystery_Porn_Sounds | Okay, does anyone want to go first? Yeah, I'll go first.
Hey Sam? I'm sorry, could someone remind me what this meeting is about again? Oh yeah, Sam, we were just thinking that since none of us work for you anymore that this could be a really good opportunity for all of us to just sort of get together and tell you what... |
TheOnion | The_Rise_And_Fall_Of_Ziggy_Stardust_Release_Popularizes_Glam_Rock_Glam_Education_Glam_Politics | From the ancient Sumerian invention of the Roland TB-303 baseline synthesizer and sequencer in 2700 BC to the day in 1832 when Charles Darwin personally killed and ate the world's last dodo The Onion looks back at this week in history. On June 6, 1944, the Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France by over 7... |
dropout | star_wars_cantina_band_auditions | Hey, Figran! How's my favorite client doing, huh? The Mos Eisley maestro himself. How's it hanging, huh? Uh, you met my assistant, Conda Baba, right?
Okay, the Cantina Band's next star is in this group today, I promise you. If it's a bright center of the universe, it's here. Alright, first up is, uh, Chris Darthtree. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | president_george_w_bush_on_bombing_iraq_snl | Saturday Night Live, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you the following address from the President of the United States. Good Evening. When I campaigned to be your President, I promised that if elected, I would change the tone in Washington. that I would end the usual partisan bickering ... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_voicebox | Streeter turned into a puzzle. We have to put them back together before it's too late. Hey guys, check this out, cut! Josh fell asleep in the conference room, so I replaced his voice box. I gave him a tracheotomy and I put him like a mechanical one instead.
Oh my god, here he comes. I'm here, I'm here you motherfucker... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Hello there, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina Democratic Primary, barely edging out his closest rival, Time. As you may have seen on your aunt's Facebook, many Maga personalities are claiming that the Supe... |
TheOnion | Obama_To_Enter_Diplomatic_Talks_With_Raging_Wildfire | In a bold move today, President Obama announced he will try to negotiate with the raging wildfire, which has so far burned over 14,000 acres in California. This morning, White House deputy press secretary, Brenda Inglet, announced the president is confident he can convince the flames to stop incinerating everything in ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | chess_twister_and_nuclear_war_are_the_same_game_ | I said ah agent Lancaster the pleasure is always please the pleasure is perfectly proportional professor pepperone I'm simply admiring all your fine work agent and it appears you've been admiring my work for quite some time well take a good look professor because it's the last thing you'll ever see looking for these I ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_angel_on_the_return_of_wendy_s_vanilla_frosty_snl | This week, Wendy's announced they'd be bringing back their Vanilla Frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. here to talk about it with her. Good news report is every boxer's girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever. How you doing? how are you, Angel? I'm better.
Well, does your boyfriend, Tommy, have a fight t... |
dropout | kiss_the_girl_continued | You see her, sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her And you don't know why, but you're dying to Try wanna kiss the girl Yeah, you kissed her, easier than I thought it would be Now you know it's time to see what else she'll be up for Surely it won't hurt if you go for th... |
dropout | the_party_pt_2_sponsored | Uh oh, we're here at Tommy Africa's about to head in another stop on the Coors Light Gulf Experience pub crawl and I've seen some rowdy people heading in here, there go a couple of our favorites, so it should be a good time. Come on in. I don't have a chair, you're being very rude because why don't you get up and give ... |
cracked | the_pledge_of_allegiance_was_a_scam_to_sell_american_flags_american_griftstory | I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United, yeah there's a scam, every word of it. American Griftstory. The Pledge of Allegiance is a scam to sell U.S. flags. In the late 1800s, magazine marketer James B. Upham created the pledge of allegiance to bilk children into buying American flags.
I'm not a bad guy, I'm an A... |
cracked | action_movies_do_family_trauma_weird_yboc | Hey there nerds, I'm Family Dr. Jordan Breeding and welcome to Your Brain on Crack, the only show that doubles as a babysitter while you head out to the dog tracker, the horse tracker, you know, wherever adults go, mind dancing. And speaking of things that adults do... Despite movies actually being perfect for avoiding... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_97_Chris_Masters | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording here live from the old city district in Batutah. I'm joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and editor-at-large Errol Parker, and this week we have a titan of inv... |
dropout | lazy_ghost_has_so_much_unfinished_business | What? Why is this happening? You must have unfinished business. Tell me about it.
I have so much stuff to do. I mean, look at it right there. I'm so busy right now, you guys. Work has been crazy lately.
Well this all looks pretty easy. Yeah, you should be able to knock this out in like a day and move on to whatever e... |
dropout | Making_Peanut_Butter_Sandwiches_With_a_Bowling_Ball_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't even allowed to smile or laugh.
I... |
dropout | video_game_health_care_bill | Can you put a value on a life? Yes. 100 gold coins. And that's too much.
That is why today, in video game land, we have passed historic legislation that provides healthcare coverage for all men and women, both good guys and bad guys. For too long, too many characters have languished with health bars in the red zone. T... |
wearethesundayblues | the_car_guard_song_eminem_feat_rihanna_parody_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | You think I just stand here and watch your eyes But that's not all, there's so much more than meets the eye So now you return with that big sigh Handing me to when I at least deserve a fight At least deserve a fight I can't tell you what I go through I can only promise I'll protect you In this job, your responsibility ... |
TheOnion | Overcome_Stress_By_Visualizing_It_As_A_Greedy_Hook_Nosed_Race_Of_Creatures | Later on in the hour, tips for stretching out your vagina without having a baby. But first, in today's tough economic times, money stresses can really be overwhelming. Yeah, but help is on the way. Author Christine Eckert is here to show us some exercises to reduce stress.
Hi, Christine. Good morning. Hi, Jim and Trac... |
TheOnion | behind_the_pen_reading_writing_and_robbery | I am Stan Kelly and we're gonna jump right to tips for young artists here because look at that villain take a look at how I draw that villain you want to draw a real bad guy a real bad guy like this this lowlife here how do you do that simple no sleeves see he's got no sleeves and that's how you do it it's that simple ... |
cracked | here_s_why_everyone_is_mad_at_drew_barrymore | She was Charlie's angel, but now she's no one's angel. Not Charlie, nor anyone else in Hollywood seems to want to cozy up to the legendary actress after she wanted to go back to work during a strike and then decided to change it all up. We don't know why she did this, but she said that the decision was bigger than me a... |
SaturdayNightLive | beautiful_girls_snl | These cigarettes, the show's about to begin. I heard this new review is quite the sensation. Oh, yes. they've flown in the most beautiful girls from all around the world. if you look closer, you might see a naked collarbone. ooh, la la, and a half. Down, Broward, your heart. Pfft. The Tic Tac Club is proud to present B... |
dropout | if_websites_were_tv_shows | Okay, everybody, what do we got? Okay, okay, so Jeff Schneider just added David Joseph as a friend. Wow, about time. And David just wrote on Jeff's wall, thanks for adding me? Desperate much?
You know, we've got this mattress here and I'm going to tell you, it looks brand new, but it's used and Cheryl, it's your mattr... |
CrackerMilk | wet_socks | What?! Connor, your feet! I've got wet socks! I've got wet socks Shay!
Help me! Help me Shay! I can't read! Help me Shay! I can't read! No! Shay!
Okay um um yeah um I could just walk out! I could just walk out of the water! Okay you can't!
You're gonna get pretty feet! I don't want pretty feet! I can't handle pretty... |
TheOnion | Show_Off_Your_Unique_Mommy_Style_With_A_Handmade_Wicker_Car_Seat | Hey trendy moms on the go, let's talk car seats. Now a lot of moms go with the standard molded reinforced plastic models and that works for them. But not for me. For us style conscious moms who still want safety, wicker car seats are a great option. This is the Windsong Baby Seat from Henderson. All lo-fi shabby chic c... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_s_christmas_wish_reprise_snl | Hello, I'm Steve Norton. When I first performed this next sketch, a Christmas Wish, I never expected it to enter so many hearts and impact so many lives. How could I have known that one day it would be considered by all to be the greatest Snl sketch of all time? You know. we're only using one camera? When I performed i... |
cracked | so_you_want_to_be_wolverine | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt.
So you want to be Wolverine? Welcome to so you want to be the how-to show about awesome fictional careers I'm your YouTube based career counselor here to walk you through what to do from birth to now in order to be Wolverine interesting pic bub Wolverine's one of the most popular X-Men and the mo... |
TheOnion | The_2020_Election_Could_Only_Go_These_500_Ways | Though the 2020 election is still a few years away, a new field of potential candidates is already emerging. And it's clear that the 2020 election could only go one of these 500 ways. After their devastating 2016 loss, the Democrats will attempt to answer Trump with a candidate who can rally the left and win back blue-... |
SaturdayNightLive | janet_reno_s_fantasies_snl | Work, work, work. If I'd known being Attorney General was this hard, I would have stayed in Florida.
But just think Simba only 41 more White House videotapes and then we can watch Harriet the Spy. There He is. Simba, Bill Clinton. He's having coffee with a bunch of Chinese people.
Hey, how y'all doing? I'm President ... |
dropout | the_tetris_god | Tetrisys, master of blocks, weaver of fate. The time has come for another round. Yes, how shall we begin, my lord?
El Bloc. Yes, El Bloc, the perfect first piece.
We stand in awe of your eternal wisdom. Square. As you wish, my lord. Shall he nestle it into the bosom of the El Bloc? Or will he leave it room to grow? R... |
cracked | swaim_is_dead_agents_of_cracked_episode_14 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederium collection of Agents of Cracked season 1 presented for the first time in such high definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season. Even the ones he's not in. So look forward to that. And hey, stay tuned at the end for some little an... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep174_Harry_Sanna_Afghanistan_Special | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Petuta. We've got Errol Parker back on deck, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall as well.
And it's been quite a big week in new... |
SaturdayNightLive | dad_s_new_girlfriend_snl | Oh, I am so nervous. I can't calm down. you have nothing to be worried about, Nancy. nothing. What are you talking about? this is the first Christmas with your children since your divorce. I want it to be perfect. Do I look okay? you look great. Okay, Claire's favorite color is red, but Derek likes green. Oh, I should ... |
cracked | why_stupid_youtube_comments_are_older_than_the_internet_youtube_exclusive | Hi there, I'm Sorin Bui, and I want to read something important to all of you, something that's so important that the first time that I read it, I wrote it down word for word from a rest stop bathroom in Nevada. This was written over the urinal where I was peeing, and it starts. What are you looking up here for? The jo... |
TheOnion | response_to_opinions_of_our_uninformed_viewers | Moving on. The first installment of our new interactive segment, Viewer Voices. What's your opinion? Giving you a voice. Talk to us. Let's chat. All right. If you have a question or a comment about one of the segments you have seen on our network recently, you can email an instant message or text us at the address you ... |
cracked | the_most_expensive_movie_you_ve_never_heard_of_cracked_responds_geostorm | Guys, there's a movie coming out from one of the writers of Independence Day, Dean Devlin. It's called Geostorm, and we're going to watch the trailer right now, and you guys are going to be so f***ing excited. Let's do it. Look at this. All right, so there's some lightning in the future. In the future. Very deceptive b... |
cracked | how_the_nfl_is_bankrupting_killing_all_its_players_cracked_responds | Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Hi, I'm Alex and I'm Adam and welcome to cracks NFL power rankings Whoo. Yeah this week. We decided after That's much the debacle last week. Well buckle. It was bad. We skated by it was real bad Well, they let us do another one.
And so we decided to to adjus... |
TheOnion | animals_spread_disease_constantly_horrifying_planet_ep_7 | An otter takes an innocuous morning swim in search of food. Yet simply by moving, the otter spreads deadly viruses and plagues across the landscape. Indeed all animals, everywhere, spread disease anytime they do anything. Our planet is but a giant petri dish swirling with pathogens all mixed by the filthy stirring stra... |
SaturdayNightLive | white_house_tiktok_meeting_cold_open_snl | This week, as the war in Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country was shut off, leaving only one source of information, Tiktok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a National Security briefing with some of the nation's top Tiktok creators.
We take you now inside that histor... |
cracked | mcdonald_s_commercials_cracked_responds | You guys, millennials have stopped going to McDonald's. What? It's an epidemic. Millennials are the first generation where McDonald's isn't even in the top 10. McDonald's did some market research and learned that millennials prefer food that offers customizable options, transparency, fare that's healthier, more sustain... |
dropout | Which_Book_Should_Trigger_Our_Secret_Door | Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. What? Are you joking?
I'm not going to activate our rotating bookshelf to our torture dungeon with infinite freaking jest. I'm not a 23 year old sad boy. And you think I'll do it with a Murakami? I'm going down to torture Zach Oyama, not tell strangers about my study abroad trip ... |
dropout | bicoastal_time_zone_lesson | Hello, I'm Raphael, and this is my friend Cuddles. Hello!
Cuddles and I live on opposite coasts, and we're here to teach you about time zones. What's a time zone, Raphael? A time zone is a region that adheres to a uniform standard time. The contiguous U.S. has four time zones.
Wow, that's so cool! That means if it's ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_comedy_from_the_early_2000_s | It was always David's dream to be a lawyer. I'm thinking about applying to law school.
But his stoner friend Kyler had other plans. Is that my college application? I thought it was rolling paper. Is that my dog? Two best buds.
I'm going to miss this, man. But you're coming to Fushigi Fest, right? We go every year. Pa... |
cracked | 4_things_science_says_can_kill_you_in_the_next_minute | Life, it's a precious gift that can be snatched away from you for almost no reason at any second. That's right, the universe has innumerable methods of dispensing instant death. One of the smallest are these little fellas, naglieria fowleri. But their friends just call them brain parasites that live in tap water. They ... |
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