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TheOnion | Tom_Brady_Mark_Sanchez_Prepare_For_Jets_Pats_Matchup_By_Having_Sex_With_Each_Other | Welcome back to The Face, get out of it and so forth, Reggie Greengrass is here for some reason.
Let's play What's That Cloud Look Like. First cloud floating by.
That's Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez. Pats and Jets renew their rivalry Sunday and the two quarterbacks have been preparing by having sex with each other all w... |
SaturdayNightLive | judge_horace_saturday_night_live | In my neighborhood, we had to make do with what we had. So that's why I used things right around my house to rob people, you know, broomstick, garbage can, anything.
I had been arrested several times and definitely headed for the penitentiary. What had changed everything were the words of my mother, Mama Horace, on he... |
cracked | why_michelle_obama_could_be_president_cracked_responds | So we a couple weeks ago did we cover the whole Republican National Convention for topical cure our new show that you hosted I did yeah, and then we just off for a week, right? Yeah, we really just watched it let it sink in just Well, I was very worried during Bernie Sanders speech that he wasn't gonna get around to fi... |
dropout | blade_runner_is_nerd_homework | from Boba Fett to Boba Boba Boba Boba Boa nerds are passionate about a lot of things but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people this is um actually joining us today we have Matt Mercer ah Becca Scott it is my great honor to be here and John gabris Mahalo bro and he's got the aloha shirt an... |
dropout | binary | You found me. Welcome.
Welcome to Tales from the Closet, the show about queer people in the closets we come from. If you're currently in the closet, we're here to keep you company. If you're out of the closet, yeah!
Find me on Instagram. Great. We have an amazing show for you today. Three guests I'm extremely excited... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Change_The_Date_Debate_Cheer_Cheese_And_Warnie_Arrested_January_22 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5.
So I'm good mate I've just had a bit of a break but you know ready to get back into it mate so let's kick it off Wendell Righto we'll get into it with a interesting story it will probably appeal to our FM listeners here on Desert Rock ... |
SaturdayNightLive | adam_sandler_the_hanukkah_song_iii_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, the Draydell's! nice to be here, everybody. Hanukkah is the festival of Lights. one day of presents, hell no, we get the eight crazy nights! But if you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, I guess my first two songs didn't do it for ya. So here comes number three!
Ross a... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_drake_interview_saturday_night_live | And now, a brief interview with Drake. Good evening, and welcome to a very brief interview. I'm joined this evening by international phenomenon, singer, rapper, and actor, Drake. Drake, how are you? Man, I am, I'm just. This has been a brief interview with Drake. and now, an extremely close interview with Drake. Good e... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_senior_c_developer | It's one of the most popular and loved languages on this planet, according to Microsoft. I am ready, Microsoft Java, I mean, C sharp. Yeah, I've been struggling to keep track whether C sharp is cross platform or not, but I figured it has always been more cross platform than anything because you can always write your ow... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_ninja_gaiden_then_now | I'm your host Jeff Rubin, joining me this week is Simon Rich and of course my co-host Pat Cassels. Today we continue our then and now series by looking at the past and present of Ninja Gaiden, starting with Ninja Gaiden 1 on the NES.
These guys are the saddest guys in the world. They live in a terrible city made out o... |
cracked | comedians_guess_the_stories_behind_insane_images_pictofacts_game_show | I was saying the adult one is probably an, uh... Okay, Chris, name a second thing you might find. Welcome to Picto Facts. I'm Jesse Eisman. I've put together a metric butt-ton of image-based trivia games, and then I invited some comedians to play them. Contestants, I'm going to show each of you a real, hand-drawn schem... |
cracked | if_the_movie_clue_were_twitter | Hi! My name's Michael Swain and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now, we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls and we need your help to get it done. Please, head to seedan... |
cracked | new_year_s_eve_least_productive_work_day_ever | New Year! Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on. It's noon, so... So, what are your New Year's plans? No, we're doing the meeting, and then I'm finishing my New Year's. Chris, it is noon, my friend.
Are you in a bathroom? I'm in Helsinki, man. It's my brother's birthday. You're in Helsinki? Tell Peter Ben I said he... |
dropout | the_true_horrors_of_a_world_without_blockbuster | Ha! Blockbuster finally closes last store. It's about time. I mean, can you believe we actually used to go to those places? Yeah, video store.
I'd love to drive to you. I'd give you three dollars so I can rent a DVD for five days. I can just find whatever movie I want to watch on a little thing called Netflix. Like, i... |
SaturdayNightLive | tiny_desk_concert_snl | Thank you so much, Npr. we are the Jonah Hughes band. I'm Jonah Hughes now. that last one usually has a lot more synth, but since this is a tiny desk concert, we got to be quirkin' it up. right now? Yep. that's why I play a milk carton shaker. he is usually on the cello, and now we're joined by our drummer, the Goose. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | ladies_who_lunch_saturday_night_live | To another great lunch. Aww.
Sylvia, I have to ask, where did you get that dress? Oh, it's actually a very funny story. I was at the Chanel store just minding my own business when this man came up to me. Trish, we're over here. So this man at the Chanel store, he walks over to me. wait a minute, Sylvia. everyone, look... |
dropout | the_epic_bacon_boys_internet_popularity_consultants_hardly_working | Guys, I am so happy with the work that you're doing here, but I've hired a couple of outside consultants to make sure that we're maximizing our internet relatability. Those sound like meaningless buzzwords. Oh, did somebody say buzzfeed?
Haha! No. Epic bacon, Bill Murray, I'm Scoot, and the good sir, am I right? All t... |
cracked | contact_review_aka_what_happens_in_vega | Is this stream like PG-13? Good question. I need to know. Really difficult for me.
Don't say the name of the movie either because we'll get a copyright strike for sure. Oh yeah. Let's actually not talk about the movie at all. I'm a little afraid that if we just talk about the contents of the movie we might get in trou... |
dropout | teen_polar_bear_cam | Young lady, what in the hell are you doing? Uh, nothing. Oh my god, are you broadcasting this on the internet? No!
Don't you lie to me girl, you don't even know who's watching this. It could be hunters or middle-aged women. Someone could be recording this.
Hey, hey! Dad? Are you sickos and perverts?
This bear is a t... |
cracked | how_banks_are_stealing_your_money | Money, cash, green printed paper. I use it, you use it, we all use it. You know, when we have it. Especially when you're at a place that only accepts cash. Like after you've eaten and the restaurant only takes cash or when your car gets towed or you owe your bookie. I'm gonna get you a money, Skinny Pete. So you need m... |
cracked | new_guy_origins_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a retrospective my cracked video this week dips into the David Letterman vault And I realized you guys might like another video dipping into the new guy weekly vault Great zoom now you might have seen every episode of new guy weekly But you haven't seen this episode of an unreleased first ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_189_Spanian_Part_1 | What's going on Errol? Look mate, not a lot. Just looking forward to this week's interview, mate.
Can I learn a few things? Yeah, learn a few things about an era particularly that we weren't really necessarily close to and a lot of characters that, you know, we've never met.
But today's guest has met them all and he'... |
dropout | hardly_working_best_buy_manager_2 | Samuel and Jackson is dead if you don't jump a one. No, listen, how are you supposed to write jump or two when you won't start off with a jump a one?
Come on, we got to do it. Yeah, okay, thank you. Can you do that later, man? No can do. Bag. No, but not the real. I gotta go back and screw down Prontosaurus, man. My b... |
dropout | When_You_re_Too_Good_At_CPR | Very good. Two rescue breaths and 30 chest compressions. Okay. We want nice steady compressions. What? Look at Trap. That's CPR that'll save a life. Oh thanks y'all. I used to be a lifeguard.
What happened? What did you do? I don't know. Where am I?
I was too good at CPR. The shore. That's the last thing I remember. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | we_re_trying_snl | My God, I'm loving how cozy this place is. Yeah, we got to do these adults only ski trips more often. I'm not gonna check my phone. she's with the sitter. she's fine.
Honey. how are you gonna cope And there's two of them? Oh my God, are you pregnant again? Steve?
Okay, secrets out. we're not pregnant yet, but yes, we... |
dropout | hardly_working_boozy_couple_continued | Last time on Boozy Couple My parents are coming in today Your balls look like rotten apricots That was not a scent, that was a stent Let's go to Sizzler Oh Batty, it's so good to see you I've grown up and taken your parents out for lunch at Sizzler Wait, I'm paying for the... Jesus, it's right out here, huh?
Not reall... |
SaturdayNightLive | who_s_on_top_saturday_night_live | And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game of strategy. Who's on Top? And here's your host, Vince Blake. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of Who's On Top? We've got three great contestants today. you folks ready to play? Yes. you bet, Vince. All right, the rules are simple. as we all know, when t... |
SaturdayNightLive | roller_coaster_accident_snl | Later in the hour, we'll be talking pit bulls. who are they? what do they want from us? and how are they so yoked? But first, it's time for America's favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine. You know, can I just say, I am so happy that Francine is back. Yes, me too. As I'm sure most of our viewers know, Francine was go... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_first_coach_to_contest_the_coin_flip | Welcome back everyone to today's big game! Looks like we're just in time for the coin toss, let's watch. Yes, the call is ahead so San Diego will be...
Oh, what's this? It seems Philadelphia is challenging... The coin toss? Oh my god, can he even do that? I don't think that's ever happened before. Well, the playback h... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Wasted_Time_Scomo_Hospitalised_A_Body_Count_In_Question_More_February_11 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin. There's a lot going on. I mean you're tuning in to get the real news from us, but I'm sure you've been privy to a lot of the goings ons in the Australian news cycle this week. It's b... |
dropout | disneyland_movies | With the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, the Walt Disney Company is pleased to announce several new projects based on our theme park attractions.
I'm so tired. Nobody said it would be easy. This mountain's as tall as 6 Kilimanjaro's. It's the highest point in space. Oh, an oxygen. We're almost out of fo... |
dropout | winter_clings_are_the_new_summer_flings | So I'm really sorry about that break up. Oh yeah, it's okay. Whatever. I mean, it was like a summer fling, you know? I'm looking for something new. Oh yeah, hit that. Oh, not him. Him. Wait, really? Yeah, I ditched that summer fling.
Now I'm looking for a winter cling. Winter cling?
Oh, just like a nice snuggly guy. ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_mystery_solvers_part_2 | I don't want to use a walk-through, but I'm just, I'm literally bored out of my skull. Take playback of the parrot from his perch. It's locked. It is the most boring of you in the history of the universe.
Welcome back to the thrilling conclusion of Bleed Blue, brought to you by Stride, MegaMysteryGum. Do not reveal th... |
cracked | obscure_batman_villain_tries_to_get_a_job_the_calculator | Well, thanks for coming in, Mr. Cutler. Please, refer to me as the calculator. All right, lovely energy. Here, why don't we have a feed? Sure, yeah, yeah, that's great, thanks.
So what makes you an especially evil fit for our ultra-secret cabal of fiendish rogues? Well, I am a certified evil genius with experience man... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_s_New_Podcast_Ruck_Me_Dead | Hi, it's Clancy Overall here editor of the Batooder Advocate. I don't know if you know Very clear to us here in the newsroom and in Western Queensland that rugby union is back There are a few grim years there There are a couple high-profile Kiwis that took the reins at the Wallabies many would argue they were sleeper c... |
Wizards_with_Guns | our_10k_subscriber_special | America. There's no water in my cup. You got water? You have 24 hours.
Hey everybody I'm Michael and I'm Frank and I'm Mitchell and this is our 10k subscriber spec- come on. 10k subscriber special. To celebrate we're doing a Q&A and also a blooper reel but first before anything we just wanted to say we couldn't have d... |
SaturdayNightLive | mort_mort_feingold_gives_tax_advice_to_the_kardashians_and_other_celebs_snl | He's going for a fine gold celebrity account to a tax for the stars. that's me! ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, James Franco, I see you left occupation blank. Yeah, well, I didn't know which job to put down. filmmaker, conceptual artist, matador, sniper, cobbler's apprentice. yeah, okay, I'll put down actor. any write-offs? I ha... |
cracked | you_re_pooping_wrong_jack_o_brien_s_fact_from_the_de_textbook | Oh, hello the internet. My name is Jack O'Brien. I am the editor-in-chief of crack.com and this book, the d-textbook, thus named because it goes back and kind of systematically debunks all the little myths and pieces of horse s*** that you learned from regular textbooks when you were growing up in elementary, middle, h... |
SaturdayNightLive | will_s_final_show_saturday_night_live | This was Will Ferrell's final show. I worked with Will for six years and it was more fun than anything I've ever done or probably ever do. he brought joy to everyone and everything he did. I'm going to miss him. It was hard for me to work with Will because every time I was in a sketch with him he made me laugh. I proba... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_chatgpt_4_enthusiast | If you don't know these AI tools, you're going to go out of business soon. I haven't used any of them. Chat GPT-4 Is this mic working? Yes. AI will take over. The future is now. The world has changed forever. Is the name of another Medium article I'm writing? Everything I normally outsource to Fiverr, I now outsource t... |
TheOnion | Weather_Channel_Accused_of_Pro_Weather_Bias | You're one of the 80 million Americans that gets their news from cable. This next story may shock you. The watchdog group Fairness in Media released a report this week accusing the Weather Channel of having a, quote, clear and pronounced pro-weather bias.
Joining us now live is the director of the study, Debra Henley.... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Fifty_Shades_Of_Grey | Let's just be on this door. What is? My playroom. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Fifty Shades of Grey, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of E.L. James' erotic romance novel, and a watershed cinematic event where, for the very first time, audiences get to see a big... |
CrackerMilk | hooking_up_with_an_astrology_girl | What's your star sign? Wait, let me guess, I'm really good at guessing. So, you're sitting kind of in a feminine way and you're medium, ugly, hot, coupled with the fact that you still live with your parents and your hair is awful. It's giving Gemini. Am I right? No, I'm a Leo. Leo! Oh my God, that was gonna be my next ... |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_El_Nino_or_La_Llorona | Hi, I still don't know what I'm about to say because I'm a big stupid idiot.
You can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. For every episode of Breaking News that's here, there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.
Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien, which is Irish for Grant of Brian.
From West ... |
ClickHole | what_this_adorable_little_girl_says_will_melt_your_heart | Hi, my name is Jessica. I'm eight years old. I'm from Sarasota, Florida, and I'm nothing more than a ploy to get you to watch an internet video. I know you clicked on this video because you're bored and very easily distracted from the things you actually need to get done today. I mean, who can blame you? That's exactly... |
dropout | irl_files_a_text_in_the_night | I was on my way home from the bar, a typical boring night out after leaving my crummy dead-end job. When I got a text from my buddy saying, you got beer? I got girls, a short text long on possibilities. I responded with a simple yes, drove quickly to the nearest convenience store and bought everything I could afford, a... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jimmy_fallon_on_valentine_s_day_snl | And now here with some thoughts on Valentine's Day is Jimmy Fallon. Thanks a lot, Colin. You know, last time I was here, I did some Halloween carols, and I got a lot of candy. So I figured, since Valentine's Day is around the corner, why not make Valentine's Day versions of some of my favorite songs and sing them? you ... |
dropout | What_Everyone_s_Actually_Thinking_at_Thanksgiving | I can't wait to dig in. I was thinking before we start, I was hoping that we could all go around the table and say what we're thankful for this Thanksgiving. How fun!
Ugh. Family! Just say family. Family.
Great idea. Thank you, David. Would you like to start? Crap, crap, crap. Why didn't he start? My pleasure. Oh, no... |
dropout | Wow_This_Office_Needs_More_Flirting | So, what did you want to meet about today, Ms. Marovitch? Well, I unfortunately came to report my co-workers. Specifically, the men. Or should I say, the boys. Ugh, not again! I've invited Raphael to join on behalf of the boys, as they all have the same stupid little mind, and he's their leader. Their leader.
What? Re... |
dropout | game_night_gets_out_of_hand | Your turn Brady snort like a pig when you laugh You next Dustin I can't wait to see what you get it will probably be snort like a pig when he laughs Already got that one What's it say Dustin quack like a duck and tie a tie around your head sing a rap song Well, what's it say? I don't know. Why don't we play another gam... |
SaturdayNightLive | bowling_pins_snl | This is such a good first date idea. I have to warn you. I won the silver medal on the middle school bowling team. Hmm, you're just full of surprises, aren't you? Oh, looks like I'm up first.
All right, let's see what you got. not bad. Oh, hey, look. they got one of those fun animations. six. aw, so cute. four more to... |
cracked | the_truth_about_living_in_earthquake_country | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those Hi there. You must be the earthquake inspector. We've heard so much white Earthquakes are just avalanches on the ground Come in, ... |
cracked | psychic_kids_see_dead_people_viewers_see_crap_tv | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off A&E's new spooky show, Psychic Kids. Freddie is a little boy that Faith talks to almost on a daily basis. She says he's a ghost.
Like what wakes you up? Wait, no one else in the rest of the house can hear the light little tap on the window in your room? You're freakin... |
cracked | the_origins_of_the_snorg_tees_ads_agents_of_cracked_episode_4 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederion collection of Agents of Cracked season 1 presented for the first time in such high definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season. Even the ones he's not in. So look forward to that. And hey, stay tuned at the end for some little an... |
TheOnion | Doctors_Encourage_Women_To_Do_Breast_Self_Exams_To_See_If_They_Need_Implants_The_Topical_Ep_43 | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. With our inevitable deaths growing ever closer, there isn't a moment to waste. Here are today's top stories. The risk of contracting the coronavirus for the average American remains low. It will remain that way more so if all of us contin... |
cracked | why_professor_x_is_really_the_villain_of_the_x_men_universe_after_hours | We've seen the late-night routines of the students at Xavier's school for gifted youngsters. There's no curfew, no door locks, no rules, just a bunch of runaway teens watering in the garden, watching TV, making sandwiches in the master kitchen. It's like summer camp. Except there's no one looking out to make sure these... |
SaturdayNightLive | calm_sleep_story_snl | Timothy, it is such an honor. everyone here at the call Map is the biggest fan. Oh, man, are you kidding? I listen to your meditations all the time on set. this is huge for me. Aww.
So, you know, the drill, then. Jeanette, who wrote the sleep story, will be listening in as well. Hi. thank you. and definitely let us kn... |
dropout | Adopting_a_Jellicle_Cat | Hi! Welcome to the Los Angeles City Animal Shelter. How can I help you? I'm looking to rescue a cat today.
Oh my god, yes.
Um, did you have any particular kind in mind? No, no, nothing in particular.
Just uh, just looking to give it a good home. Awesome. Okay, you are going to follow me back here. Okay. Yeah, you're... |
cracked | cracked_explains_the_prison_industrial_complex | Hello, I'm Daniel O'Brien, and whomever is watching this has probably at one time or another broken the law. Jay Walch forgot to use your blinker, played music too loud, carried some marijuana at some point in your life before it was legal. Which means you could, and according to the law, should get arrested. But does ... |
cracked | 4_indian_movies_that_should_be_in_every_video_store_staff_picks | I think we're all very good at bothering people, I think that we could definitely convince whichever filmmaker or distributor has these to be like, can we just have one? Or we could start an online campaign to get them to mass produce them.
So that everyone gets to enjoy. Yeah. Patrick Willems, you for the people. Tha... |
ClickHole | patriothole_s_happygal_pollen_will_cause_a_bellow_from_your_problem_hole_to_frighten_thieves | Women, let's face it, men can't always be there to protect you. Sometimes it's hard, but you have to defend yourself. That's why I've developed an incredible new virility supplement for women. My Happy Gal Security Pollen will cause a loud bellow to emanate from your feminine problem hole to frighten away thieves. Thie... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_mastercard_saturday_night_live | And now a message from Mastercard. Hello, I'm Diane Foster, Vice President of Customer Relations at Mastercard. this week, supporters of the Wikileaks organization attacked our website. I want to assure our customers that we are doing absolutely nothing. Hello again. it's me, Julian Assange.
I've taken over your airwa... |
SaturdayNightLive | one_take_tony_snl | Won't lie to you all, this is my first picture, but if you're willing to dance with a young director, I promise I won't step on your toes. Myrna Lawn I'm honored to have two Oscar-winning actors like you in my film and you'll never guess who I got to play The Detective Kerry Grant. Humphrey Bogart, No.
Tony Toluca the... |
SaturdayNightLive | jail_scene_snl | All right, 61-17. you got five minutes. Oh, Carla Jean, God, it's so good to see your face.
I miss you, too, Willie. Look, I know I made a damn mess of things on the outside, but I swear I've changed. I hope so. I'm tired of coming here, Willie. I really am. I know, Honey. I know.
Listen, when I get out of here, I'm ... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_memories_monologue_saturday_night_live | I'm Steve Martin, and I'm thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for a record 14th time. this will be a very emotional night for me. it's going to be hard to keep from crying. this is such a big week. I have Pink Panther opening next Friday, but to think it was almost exactly 30 years ago to the day that I fir... |
SaturdayNightLive | woody_harrelson_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Woody Harrelson! thank you very, very much. Hello, you beautiful people. And you ugly people, too. No, I just, uh, this country seems so divided. beautiful, ugly, Black, White, Blue, red. I love everybody. maybe because I'm a redneck hippie. you know, the red in me thinks you should be allowed to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | devil_can_t_write_no_love_song_snl | She's scaring over a bowl of dreams. Thank you. Why are you at work? Oh, hey, honey. can we sit down? I want to play you this song. why aren't you at work? I got fired. What?
I don't need that stupid job. this one's the one. you are pathetic, Milo. you're a talentless loser, and I'm not supporting you anymore. Send me... |
cracked | why_hollywood_needs_to_stop_making_teasers | Hey teasers. Sorry to be texting you this, but I don't want to beat around the bush or draw this out. Yeah, teasers.
You already said hi. You don't need to tell me hello to. You haven't given me new information the second time around, and I wasn't clamoring to find out more when you said hi. Hi is not a teaser for hel... |
dropout | dave_koechner_shot_will_arnett | Thank you for breaking bread with me. My pleasure. You know, let's do a scenario. Great.
You and I are best buddies, but we are... Now we're in a war, in a battle. Are we on the same side? We're on the same side.
And you get shot with friendly fire. Whoops, it was me. I'm not very good with this gun. How quickly do y... |
dropout | we_review_airbuds_oops_i_mean_airpods | Hey, it's me, Handy Dan, what's up guys, Handy Dan here about to open up my new Apple wireless headphones, the AirPods, okay let's crack it open, now we're cooking, the added way to the cord is what makes them fall out of your ears, that's something to think about. The first step is you'll want to fully charge your new... |
dropout | what_sex_with_the_coen_brothers_must_be_like | Wait, what? It's over? That's the end? Alright. I need to talk about this because that was great and then it was just over.
Like really great though. I mean I bet you do this like once a year. You guys deserve an award for that. In a variety of categories. Honestly I don't even know which of you deserves more credit. ... |
cracked | proof_han_solo_is_sort_of_an_idiot | I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other I've seen a lot of strange stuff But I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything You've never seen anything not even 18 years ago when you were 12 years old and Jedi were currently protecting the entire galaxy Not... |
dropout | the_six_ways_you_ll_see_your_dad | This is you at age five, and these are the six ways you'll see your dad. You're definitely going to beat him this time. How does he do that? Of the ten people you've met so far, he's definitely the best. He's strong enough to open the peanut butter with one hand. Agile enough to get the straw into the Capri Sun without... |
TheOnion | Russia_Applauds_America_s_Efforts_To_Exclude_Gay_Athletes_From_Professional_Sports | The first time I saw the Olympics, I was very impressed by the fact that the Russian people were very proud of us. They were very proud of us. But this is not just the Russian people, but also the people who are the first to come to the United States. The first time I saw the Olympic structure and the experience of the... |
dropout | grant_forgets_he_sucks_hardly_working | What was I doing just now? Where am I?
Oh, like Memento. I love that movie. Of course I did. It's a great movie. I have great taste.
That's impossible. How could I have predicted it? I don't know about that.
Why do I feel like shit? I have pain all over. I must have been assaulted. I gotta call the police. But how d... |
SaturdayNightLive | spade_in_america_unabomber_saturday_night_live | And now, Spade in America with David Spade. Thank you. good evening. nice to see you all again. I haven't seen you for a while.
Well, this summer I did what I do every summer. I worked as an intern at the Mexican border doing cavity searches. no pay, but you see the world. And just like you, I sat back and watched the... |
TheOnion | Congressman_Demands_To_Know_Who_Left_Fish_Sandwich_To_Rot_On_House_Floor | For over 200 years, congressmen have had the honor of serving our nation here in the hallowed halls of the Capitol.
Truly, this is the House of the People, which is why it disgusts me to no end that someone would leave a partially eaten fish sandwich in the middle of the House floor. Now let me be blunt. This sandwich... |
dropout | real_life_sorting_hat | Sorry, what'd I miss? Not much, they're just about to start this sorting hat. The what?
When you were kids you all could be the very best of friends. But now you are all teenagers on clicks you will depend. The hat is singing. I know, isn't it cool? So put me on and I will tell if the next few years will be the best t... |
TheOnion | Nation_s_24_Middle_Class_Citizens_Glad_To_Hear_Obama_Looking_Out_For_Them | The entire world surrenders to North Korea. The resigning Pope Benedict announces he no longer has the strength to lead the church backward. And a flock of suicidal geese drink up the courage to down a jetliner.
This is your opportunity to see roughly 40% of your tax dollars at work. It's the Onion Week in Review. Fol... |
TheOnion | BREAKING_Incomprehensible_Shouting_Named_Official_U_S_Language | Our top story tonight, Congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States. After attracting the attention of several leaders in Washington last year, the initiative's political supporters argued for months that the nation should formally recognize incomprehensible sho... |
cracked | why_every_super_bowl_commercial_was_a_nightmare_cracked_responds | What a big game, you guys. I really enjoyed it. You know, a lot of people like the game part of the big game, but I like the ads. Oh, yeah. Me too. What?
Anyways, so let's talk about the most upsetting Super Bowl ads. The TJ Miller Shock Top One was probably my least favorite because I was so excited because TJ Miller... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Angry_Melburnians_NSW_Shocked_At_What_s_Happening_The_Katter_Boys_On_The_ | Good mate. Wendell. Very good, thank you. Looking forward to giving it to these Bedori grubs on the weekend, how are you Clancy? I'm good mate. I'm good. Thanks for watching your play this weekend, I hope you can keep it together, it was a bit sloppy on the weekend, last weekend against Windora.
I lost my head and it ... |
dropout | be_our_bachelor | Be our guest, be our guest, eating solo is the best. Use the napkin. You still have sherry from ordering Chinese.
I am old. I am older.
You use me as a pot holder. Try the grey stuff. It's delicious.
Don't believe us?
Ask the dishes. Wake and bake. Paper plates. Heaving time to master bake.
You bought me because y... |
dropout | a_420_visit_from_the_weed_man | It's 40! Today's the day! Just wait up! Oh boy oh boy! It's finally here! So excited! It's 4-20! Yay! So we managed to come up and play as luck with all these presents! Schnazzleberry, Dinky Dal, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Alien, it's all here! Because it's exactly what we ordered from the dispensary! And look!
He ate al... |
cracked | 5_reasons_transformers_rise_of_the_beasts_has_the_worst_autobots_of_all_time_cinemistakes | What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of the show Cinema Stakes, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer, okay? We burn to the ground. Like T.J.A. Friday's on a sizzler's plate when they bring it out.
This week we are doing Transformers Rise of the Beast, ... |
ClickHole | zelda_breath_of_the_wild_is_a_masterpiece_that_proves_japan_could_pull_off_another_pearl_harbor | Hey, everybody. Today we're going to be talking about Zelda Breath of the Wild, the flagship game for Nintendo's new Switch console. Sam, what'd you think? Well, obviously, there's a lot to unpack, but my initial reaction is that Nintendo has produced a masterpiece proving Japan could easily defeat America if they did ... |
dropout | why_mount_rushmore_is_the_weirdest_monument_adam_ruins_everything | Not the greatest. First, it's actually surprisingly small. The hands are only 60 feet tall, or about one-tenth the size of the Washington Monument.
And it was also never finished. The rubble at the base is just debris from the construction no one cleaned up.
But most importantly, the history of Mount Rushmore is real... |
dropout | your_phone_is_dying_ch_shorts | Mr. Trap, I want to let you know that we've done everything we can, but your phone is dying. What? No. No, he had a full charge three hours ago. I'm afraid he's at 20 percent, a condition known in the medical community as, like, basically dead already. Can I see him?
Oh no. Oh my god, I knew I shouldn't have left my c... |
ClickHole | 37_dogs_guaranteed_to_brighten_your_day | 37 dogs guaranteed to brighten your day. 1.
This dog is a napping dog. It's asleep. It's taking a little nap. Leave that dog to sleep.
Over here to... 2. Hello, Mr. Dog. Pleased to meet you. You're a good-looking dog. 3. What a dog that is. Look at him. Oh, and look at all these dogs.
It's a little tiny dog. A puppy... |
dropout | dave_koechner_touching_amy_poehler | We have the lovely and talented, and when I say that, it's true. Thank you. Amy Poehler. I'm very happy to be here with you.
I've known you 20 years, probably, right? Yeah. What year did you move to Chicago? 1993. Yeah. And you were... So I've known you 19 years, I think. Yeah.
You're a hard charger who overcomes obs... |
dropout | the_true_messed_up_story_of_pocahontas_adam_ruins_everything | The real story of Pocahontas is way darker than the animated movie. Let's start at the top. While it's true that Pocahontas was the daughter of a powerful chief, she would never have been romantically involved with John Smith. In this new world, I will find not only adventure, but also love. Because when John Smith arr... |
TheOnion | FBI_Uncovers_Largest_Credit_Card_Scam_In_History_After_Raiding_Visa_Headquarters | 2012 seniors thunder into a local high school parking lot like coalition forces entering Baghdad. A substitute teacher just needs to make it to her car before breaking down in tears, and a college freshman tells his roommate there's no need to hide his masturbation from him. And now a week in review that truly requires... |
cracked | 7_ways_gta_v_makes_fun_of_its_own_fanbase_today_s_topic | So, once I had the cops penned in with some scorched up squad cars, I launched a few rockets at them and BOOM! Six stars. Of course, then I had the military on my ass, so I had to ratchet up the mayhem a bit. Several destroyed helicopters and one five mile long motorcycle wheelie later.
I get it. Things that don't mat... |
dropout | independence_day_extended_scene | I know there's much we can learn from each other if we can negotiate a truce can there be a peace between us peace no peace what do you want us to do die that's a little unreasonable isn't it excuse me if we're going to negotiate you should start with something a little more practical but you dying is practical not to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cameron_diaz_drew_barrymore_and_lucy_liu_saturday_night_live | This weekend, the film version of Charlie's Angels starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu topped the box office with over $40 million, which is almost $7 million per boob. Here now to talk about their movie's success are Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu.
Hi, Jimmy. hi, Jimmy. Hi. how you guys do... |
cracked | is_it_wrong_to_murder_quorators_podcast | Yeah, that's it though. We're ready, right? Yeah, I'm ready if you're ready. Yeah, I'm already amped up. Great. Let me powder my nose if you know what I mean. All right.
I can't perform without it. That's how he has his zany energy. Yeah, that's how I come up with all of my hot eggs. He's like Robin Williams. That's h... |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_laid_off_snl | What are you doing? Ed Tony, old me $10. Oh man, hey Solomon, Man, you own me $20. don't change the subject. that's my money Man, I don't play. I'm gonna put a little light back on his head. you crazy man, you crazy. you crazy. crazy nut. look at him. what's that? he'll make the Mx message. no Mx mustn't fall. you're n... |
TheOnion | Study_Finds_Youths_Don_t_Follow_Office_Politics | With younger voters pledging support to the Obama campaign in record numbers, 2008 seemed to indicate an uptick in young people's political involvement. But a recent study finds that most youth still remain uninterested in office politics. Researchers from the Shuttleworth Institute found that just 32 percent of employ... |
dropout | obstacle_course_sponsored | What up, internet? Ford's letting us try out the all new 2013 Focus ST. This thing's got 252 horsepower, 270 foot pounds of torque, a turbocharger with a 20 PSI overboost, and these super cool Recaro racing seats. I don't know what that stuff means, but it sounds like a badass car. That's right, and we asked you what k... |
dropout | dire_consequences_shock_collar_twilight_trivia | I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
This episode of Dire Consequences is brought to you by Speedstick. We're about to do a stupid competition with an extreme consequence. Don't sweat it. Handle it! Let's do this!
I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
We're about to spin quarters. First quarter to stop is the loser... |
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