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dropout | choni_francis_on_vernon_mad_max_maxwell | Welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame. This is the show where every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorite should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Shoni Francis. Yeah, this is going to be easy work of mine. My favorite belongs in the Hall of Fame. Pat myself on the back, ha ha, he... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_14_02_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Batuda News Bulletin, coming to you live from the Old City District in downtown Batuda. Joining me in the booth again today is me old mate Wendell Hussey. G'day, and thanks for tuning in as we wrap up all of the biggest stories from the week that was ... |
SaturdayNightLive | ozempic_for_ramadan_snl | You're going to be late for school. you know, fasting for Ramadan used to be easy, but the last few years of work and a growing family, it's felt almost impossible, But not anymore. thanks to Osempic for Ramadan. Osempic is a medication prescribed to suppress hunger and slow digestion, and Ramadan is a month where Musl... |
dropout | Running_Late_In_A_Giant_Robot | All right, Trish, when we're clear, you park the hell out of this thing. There's a Sparos next door that somehow always has parking. I'm not even lying to this baby down flat. Harman, you're on supplies, nachos, sodas, popcorn, anything those big arms can carry. Hope you guys like everything mixed together in one pile.... |
TheOnion | Study_Anxiety_Resolved_By_Thinking_About_It_Real_Hard | According to a groundbreaking study on anxiety disorders published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine, researchers have discovered that feelings of anxiety can be completely resolved as long as people think about them real hard. After studying subjects with mild to chronic anxiety disorders, we found that... |
cracked | 8_local_news_segments_gone_horribly_wrong | First best live from wood TV 8 Susan Shaw, Larry Meenhouse Investigator Christine Roar Good evening Welcome to cracked action news where stories will always involve molesting after the break We'll be discussing which pet shampoos could be molesting your kids But right now we're going to clip Takamura for the latest on ... |
cracked | elvis_presley_was_a_giant_creep | Elvis Presley was the king of rock and roll, but he was also the king of being a giant creep. Excuse me, what? Elvis Presley started dating his future wife Priscilla when she was just 14 years old, but this was not an isolated incident. In fact, Elvis had a massive track record of scoping out teenage girls.
Okay, gorg... |
SaturdayNightLive | michele_bachmann_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | This is Cnn Tonight, A Cnn Special Event. Congresswoman Michelle Bachman's response to the President's State of the Union address. The second Attempt. Good Evening. I'm Congresswoman Michelle Bachman from Minnesota's 6th District four nights ago on behalf of the Republican Party and the Tea Party. I delivered a respons... |
SaturdayNightLive | grossed_out_cruise_ship_singer_snl | Thank you. Hello, everyone. I hope you're enjoying your cruise aboard the Ss Canada Star. my name is Ginger Rangers, and there's no place I'd rather be performing than for all of you, except for maybe on Broadway, or as a recording artist. But this is where I am, and I'm loving it. let's see who's in the audience. look... |
ClickHole | watch_burrito_unboxing | Hey guys, I'm back with another video and this time I'm going to be checking out what comes inside this chicken burrito, 1200 calorie model. Right off the bat you can see they've wrapped it in this nice minimalist aluminum foil which I think looks very sleek. Let's just go ahead and open it up and see what they've put ... |
dropout | Experimenting_Literally_in_College | Oh my god, this picture of me from college just popped up in my feed. You're a wittle baby. Oh, I wish I could go back to college. It was a crazy time for me. College is perfect for experimenting and trying new things. New sex stuff. For me, it was drugs and alcohol.
Yeah. How about you, Klaus? I conducted many experi... |
SaturdayNightLive | white_like_me_snl | You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice, and some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas, one black and one white. But talk is cheap, So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand, to go underground and actually experience America as a white man. I hired the best ... |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_tattoo_to_get | Welcome, today I'm joined by Jaboukie Young-Wyke. Happy to be here.
Allie Beardsley. Also. And Josh Rubin. I feel okay.
Josh, would you like to begin? I absolutely would, it would be a pleasure Katie, thank you so much.
So the worst tattoo I can imagine getting, and I think America getting, is a Tiki torch. Because,... |
TheOnion | Brad_Pitt_Decides_To_Grow_Out_Forehead_Hair | Kim Jong-un wonders if his continued nuclear threats are distracting him from starving North Korean citizens. A freezing, coatless woman has decided it's spring, and Brad Pitt decides to grow out his forehead hair. It's time for the weekly news recap. Thousands voted as the cruelest and most demeaning experience of the... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_spanish_teacher_prank | Hey, I'm Jake, and I'm Amir, and just like Schmitt and Janko in 22 Jump Street, we are going undercover. And that's where you come in. That's right, we're asking our fans to come up with occupations for us.
Hmm, still no professor. Looks like class is starting late.
Yeah. Not that I care, as I don't like learning. Th... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_hans_gruber | So, Kareem Rebound heads down the court, feeds Worthy to Magic, back to Worthy, and two points. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm for the interruption.
Which one of you is Jeff Rubin? Jeffrey Robert Rubin, born in Cranford, New Jersey to Michael and Elizabeth Rubin.
Enrolled Cranford High in 1996, did not atte... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_mario_kart_trailer_snl | Let's-a Go. I am a massive fan of Last of Us. obviously, I love Mario Kart, and this is sort of a spiritual sequel to a sketch Streeter, Cy, Del, and I did called Grouch, which was marrying Oscar the Grouch with Joker. So this is the last of us meets Mario Kart. you have Mario and Luigi, Pedro Pascal as Mario. you have... |
cracked | the_worst_interview_ever_feat_michael_ian_black | Cracked asked two of its employees and Abe and Michael Ian Black to write film and edit a sketch on their lunch break This is that oh Michael just a quick small thing just reminder. I got my phone interview with Michael Ian Black today So just feel a bit quieter than usual She's a little quieter is all I'm saying. Yeah... |
cracked | josie_and_the_pussycats_review_ft_samantha_ruddy_aka_du_jour_means_podcast | All right, we've had a lot of issues this morning, but we're going to make it work. It's not even morning. It's four o'clock. What time do you think it is, bud? It's morning if it's morning. I'm on the middle of the Pacific Ocean time.
Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, wh... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_best_picture | Sometimes, video games based on movies can be disappointing. So we thought, let's play video games based on the best movies. Today we are playing games based on movies that won the Best Picture Academy Award.
I'm Jeff Rubin, and today we are joined by Tim, Darren, and Sam from The Whitest Kids You Know, and Pat Casas.... |
SaturdayNightLive | just_a_nickel_snl | I gave my grandson five dollars yesterday. for what? I can't remember. probably to go to the pictures. you know in my day what it cost to go to the pictures? Do you know what? what? do you know what? What? you know? what? a nickel. Five cents to go to the pictures. Well, these kids don't know anything about the money. ... |
dropout | don_t_pay_your_student_loans | Fuck. Ah, my fucking student loans. Don't pay your student loans.
Wha? What?
Don't pay your student loans. Do something fun with the money instead. I have to pay my student loans.
Why? What's really going to happen if you don't?
It'll hurt my credit score for one. Who gives a fuck about credit scores? No one cool h... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_venture_capitalist_in_2024 | I stand in the elevator, you know, looking at my phone as usual, listening to Slay, Taylor Swift, TikTok videos, and I wear a t-shirt saying, Stanford and OpenAI. You have one minute to give me your money. Go. How did I get here? Let me tell you my story.
After many years of hard labor and a startup, I decided to go a... |
cracked | avatar_2_for_20_deleted_scenes_bloopers | Man, if you were an Instagram influencer, this would be just perfect for you. I still can be. Is that piss? No, mate.
It's just a life force of Pandora. It leaves a lot to be desired in terms of flavour, but that's that true farm-to-table experience that everybody craves on Pandora.
Oh no, no, no! No! I thought it wa... |
dropout | side_project | Hey guys, we teamed up with adaptive studios to make a really weird mockumentary about six musicians trying to make it big It's called downbeat. Here's an episode.
We hope you like it when I Linked up with these guys. It was like Like this instant lifelong connection They're like the family that I never had Mama bear,... |
cracked | the_insane_future_of_the_jurassic_park_franchise_cracked_writer_s_room | So we still need to come up with sketches that are timely. I don't know about anything other than movies. I don't know about...
Fiscal Cliffs. What she's doing is that clawing.
Boom. Jurassic Park 4. There we go. He got it. I can't wait for Little Aliens. T-Rex arms.
They're scheduled to start shooting it in 2014. N... |
TheOnion | Dredged_Stereo_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | You want to tell us what you have here? Yeah, I got a stereo.
I dredged it in the pond. Mm-hmm. Must have been a pretty shallow dredge, huh? Oh yeah, you know, like, it was in the pond, so that's why there's all this mud on it, you know. Not a lot of water damage. Startlingly little sedimentary layering here.
Yeah, y... |
SaturdayNightLive | rock_bottom_kings_snl | The thrill of victory, the satisfaction of placing a bet and watching it hit big, the exhilaration of an upset only you saw color with betting apps right on your phone. It's easier than ever to turn your passion for sports in a cold hard cash. and with so many games to bet on, you almost can't lose, But there's a dark ... |
SaturdayNightLive | tom_brady_janet_snl | Anything else, son? no, thanks. I gotta work tomorrow. Hey, are you Tom Brady? yeah. oh, man, yo, I'm glad my girl's not here. like, you're like her. One exception. stop, stop, stop. Ok. Oh, shut your mouth!
Tom Brady at Ruby Toothdays? Hey. hey, hey, hey. hey, it's me. it's Johnny Peckinpore. I'm just kidding. you do... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Ambitious_Outsiders | Today we'll be talking about documentaries about ambitious outsiders, specifically the kind of people who are on a quest to do something creative and sometimes get there and sometimes not. The first person we want to talk about is Mark Borchardt, who is the center of Chris Smith's 1999 documentary American Movie. It's ... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_baron_vaughn | Please put it together, we're Barrymore!
The Klan has a website, guys. The clue comes, the Klan has a website. That would be true. KKK.com. Because they didn't want to be obvious about it. I kind of like that the Klan has a website, because that means there was somebody in the world that was like, Oh, I hate black peo... |
dropout | derrick_s_shouting_homeless_realtor | Y'all here to see the apartment? Well come on in. The old tenant stuff is still in here, but y'all get the picture. Over here is the intercon system. Every visitor that comes to the building has got to buzz up. You know, to keep the grazers out. Over here is the refrigerator. You can fit 10 of this member teenage bodie... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_175_Kurt_Fearnley | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording here live from downtown Petuta. The show goes on, the games go on, of course Errol Parker editor at large is home sick so you're just left with me Clancy Overal... |
dropout | how_to_make_your_own_reddit_themed_cocktail | Good evening friends, I'm Caldwell welcoming you back to another episode of Internet Bartender. This week we're going to be making a cocktail based on my favorite link-sharing community, Reddit.com. Joining me is my resident taste tester, Pat Cassels. Good to see you sir. Pat, I understand you're a bit of a Redditor yo... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_new_girl | Okay, so basically you just click empty recycle bin and all your files are deleted.
Hey, Rosie, I'm looking at your sister's Facebook profile, she has some hot friends. Please. Hey, Jake, you better stop, you don't want the new girl thinking you're a perv, do you? New girl? Yeah, Lindsay, the new girl over there in gr... |
TheOnion | Man_Says_Fuck_It_Eats_Lunch_At_10_58_A_M_ | Barely two hours into his workday, 30-year-old local man Kyle Dunedin reportedly said fuck it and went out to get lunch at 10.58 this morning. Dunedin spoke to Onion reporters about his decision to eat lunch so early in the day.
Some people might think I should have waited, but you know what? I don't give a shit.
I w... |
TheOnion | New_Prius_Helps_Environment_By_Killing_Its_Owner | A lot of automakers are rolling out green energy vehicles, but Toyota says its newest Prius is the most environmentally friendly car ever produced.
The secret?
It kills its driver. Toyota calls it the Prius solution. When the driver enters the solution, the doors automatically lock and a seatbelt secures him in place... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mitch_mcconnell_and_herschel_walker_on_2022_midterms_snl | It's our pleasure. pleasure. Yeah, let's go team, alright.
So, Herschel, you're a former Nfl player. yes. with no political experience. that's right.
And you were caught lying about having three secret children.
Yes, sir.
So, Senator Mcconnell, do you really think this guy is ready to be a Senator? It doesn't matte... |
cracked | why_hollywood_will_never_make_another_good_buddy_cop_movie_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | I love everything about Buddy Cop movies. The cops, that they are buddies, at all. Even though they're a little bit racist, oh yeah, you didn't, they're racist, okay. So the joy of Buddy Cop movies comes from the pairing of unlikely partners.
It started with straight-laced guy with wild, crazy, street-smart guy, Tango... |
cracked | titane_review_ft_bryan_slack_aka_trans_formers | All right, we are either live or we are not. No, we are. We're live.
So I'm going to start saying the thing. Ready? Welcome to Crack Movie Club, the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better. I am your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse.
Not Allie. Allie's dea... |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_i_m_actually_doing_when_i_say_i_m_busy | Hi, I'm here to see mr. Henderson about my promotion. I made an appointment. Yes Mr. Mueller, right? I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Henderson's all tied up at the moment really Because he doesn't seem that busy. I assure you sir.
He's very busy Yeah, I'm not doing anything right now Sure, I can talk to anyone. What it's a very i... |
cracked | the_fever_dream_where_david_lynch_almost_directed_fast_times_ | Did you know we almost lived in a world where David Lynch directed Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Yeah, that David Lynch and that comedy classic, Ridgemont High. If you don't know, David Lynch began his film career directing indie bizarro Fast Eraserhead, followed by an Oscar nomination for the poignantly warped Elephan... |
cracked | needlessly_elaborate_movie_schemes_yboc_minority_report_the_prestige | Eat your heart out, okay, go. Oh, hey there nerds. I've got your highly detailed results right here.
And my name is Dr. Jordan of the House Breeding. First of his name, the unwashed, king of the sandals and the okay chin. King of screens, call of one great ass pee pee protector of myself, region apologist of the lucky... |
TheOnion | Paul_Ryan_Spending_Final_Day_Of_Campaign_Reminding_Homeless_People_They_Did_This_To_Themselves | War for the White House, on the front lines of election 2012, brought to you by 7-11-7 election. Unbiased, fair, extremely caffeinated, only then. Seizing the final moments of the campaign, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan hit the streets of Columbus, Ohio to visit with the city's homeless and clarify his... |
TheOnion | 6_Year_Old_Data_Entry_Prodigy_Already_Entertaining_Offers_From_Major_Temp_Agencies | Tech Trends, brought to you by Starbucks DoubleShot. It's the story that's stunning the tech world.
Despite his age, six-year-old data entry prodigy Jeffrey Peters is already entertaining offers from dozens of major temp agencies. Experts say Jeffrey's ability to sit still and perform mind-numbing tasks in Excel and W... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_20_6_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | The day is Thursday the 20th of June, you're here with editor Clancy Overill, I'm joined by editor-at-large Errol Parker, hello, and of course Wendell Hussey, the cadet turned news reader, the Brooke Boney, Richard Moorcroft, what have you of the Diamantina Shire, what's going on Wendell? Hello, hello, we'll start off ... |
dropout | the_hottest_girl_ever_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show, the show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan And today we are drawing the hottest girl. The hottest girl suggested by uh-huh.
Someone named Kaka John Jay. John Jay.
I'm gonna let Nathan take over while I explain some things You're al... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_207_Rod_Jensen_Katter | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Decode podcast, the new seri... |
dropout | streeter_and_josh_s_coffee_town_mug_giveaway | Hey everyone, I'm Streeter from College Humor, and I'm Josh from College Humor, and you can see both of us in College Humor's first feature film, COFFEE TOWN! Coffee Town, available to buy rent on iTunes right now. In College Humor's first feature film, Coffee Town, I play Devin, who's sort of a rock star and drummer w... |
dropout | buffalo_wing_eat_off | Hi, I'm Dan and this is David. We're from CollegeHumor.com.
Can two normal human beings beat one professional competitive eater in a buffalo wing eating contest? It's a question that people have been asking ever since this camera turned on. So today we are at a Buffalo Wild Wings to find out that answer and a battle t... |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_5 | Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you two doing? Trying to kill each other so death spares one of us. We'll be done in a second. Asshole! No, I mean, why is no one updating the website? Get back to work. Are you gonna take our guns away? Ha! No.
Who am I, Obama? Seriously, though, he is ruining this country. I got a libe... |
cracked | music_notes_why_queen_s_lyrics_are_secretly_ridiculous | I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike, I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride... Ready? Is this song about sex? Right. Okay. You good? I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like it, I want to ride it where I like it. Ready. That's on you, darling. And you hear what you want to hear.
I hav... |
TheOnion | The_Gameological_Society_Digest_Call_Of_Juarez_Gunslinger | Hey, Gamelogerinos, it is Jon Tady, your Gamelogical editor, and it's time for another edition of The Digest. I'm joined by Drew Toll, Gamelogical contributor, and our treat this week, Gamelogerinos, is ice cream novelties, is the theme, and we have our most novel items up first. We got a Spongebob, and we got a Spider... |
cracked | can_parasite_go_on_the_comedy_shelf_we_debate_staff_picks | In this case, and this brings up the ethics of it, in that you have brought in three movies, which seems like a masterful move that I'm not certain is entirely ethical. Hello, and welcome back to Staff Picks. We are once again at The Archive in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I'm Patrick Willems, here with my cohost, Danielle... |
SaturdayNightLive | winston_university_saturday_night_live | Students, could we have quiet, please? Students, this is Mr. York. he's from Winston University. Thank you. Hi. Winston University is a four-year liberal arts institution, which is located just 35 miles west of Boulder, Colorado. you kids like to ski?
No. hey, this is the science building. And we've got excellent labo... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_national_security_saturday_night_live | The Obama administration was criticized by Republicans this week for their handling of the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwest Airlines flight 253. Here with the rebuttal is the raging Cajun himself. Mr. James Carville Well, it's good to have you here, James. So what is your take on the Christmas attack?
Okay... |
cracked | worst_decision_ever_made_in_the_harry_potter_universe_stuff_that_must_have_happened | I assure you, whichever way we go, Slytherin House, or Berry House, I am confident you will make a fine addition to the Hogwarts School. Oh, thank you, Miss Ravenclaw. I'm just so great. Well, I need to hear Salazar. Also, according to your references, nothing. They're all dead. And you've got a very passionate opinion... |
cracked | ready_player_one_trailer_looks_insane_justice_league_looks_insanely_bad_more_this_week_in_epcd | Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture discussion. This is our weekly unscripted pop culture show, where we take all of the headlines that are not about news, or the president, or anything important, and really talk about them until we get thirsty or we run out of time. I am your host as a... |
cracked | bob_odenkirk_says_they_shouldn_t_have_put_me_on_breaking_bad | Kirk's early career was stuffed with Second City, Saturday Night Live, The Ben Stiller Show, and Mr. Show. Drama was a weird turn, and Oden Kirk thinks so too. In a recent interview with Tony Hawk on his podcast, he says while he's grateful, he has no idea why he was on the show at all. You're doing all this and it's a... |
cracked | why_westworld_is_the_dumbest_good_show_ever_made_cracked_responds_spoilers | Westworld!
The premiere of this show I thought was really strong. Really good, yeah. The music was fantastic. Every time there was like... A radio head song?
Yeah.
Preplayed or like painted black play when you were like... Yeah, that's pretty dope. That got me on board. I think that's why I stayed on for the eight e... |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Must_Decide_Between_Watch_The_Throne_And_Carter_IV | Hi, I'm Brooke Alvarez, the undisputed world news leader. I'm just taking a few moments in between getting tonight's show ready and cyberstalking Wolf Blitzer to answer your questions.
Okay then. On Facebook, Tyler the Hater asks, Watch The Throne or Carter IV? Hmm, tough call. Both have a few hits with a lot of repla... |
dropout | every_hospital_scene_ever_ch_shorts | Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie? Katie?
Where am I? You were in a car accident.
Oh God, no! No, please leave these on.
Where the hell is he? I need to find him! Brad!
No, no, no. Don't take these out. Get these out.
How could this happen? You were hit by a minivan going down the highway on the wrong side of the ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Partygoer_An_Unknown_Hack_An_Emergency_Trip_November_11 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, you're joined by three of the greats from the Diamantina show, myself Clancy Overall, editor-at-large Errol Parker and lifestyle and weekend editor, Effie Bateman. How are we all? Ye... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_7_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're joined by myself, editor Clancy Overall and of course editor-at-large, Errol Parker. How are you, Errol? Good, mate. How are you? Thanks, mate. Of course, in the red corner, we are joined by the workplace millennial, Wendell Hussey, our news reader and our confidant. How are you, mate?
Doing well as always, Cla... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amazon_mother_s_day_ad_for_fifty_shades_of_grey_snl | This Mother's Day, why not show Mom just how special she is by surprising her with one of millions of gifts from Amazon.com. All Right, let's be quiet. Mom has no idea we're bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shh, shh, shh. Which means there's a million ways to give your mother a surprise she'll never forget. Happy M... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Melbourne_Locks_Down_A_Dad_s_Love_For_His_Dog_Everywhere_Eddie_And_Much_ | You're listening to the Battuta Advocates Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Battuta Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, you're joined by myself Clancy Overill editor of the Battuta Advocate, Errol Park editor at large, hello Errol. Hello Clancy how you doing today? Good mate, good mate, just getting... |
dropout | the_dark_knight_meets_superman | You can't just leave Harvey out there. Dent knew the risks. I'm going after Rachel.
HOOYAH! Haha! Yo, Bruce Man!
Sorry I'm late, dude. What's going on? What's the sitch? Ugh.
Rachel and Harvey are being held by the Joker in two separate ways. Yeah, yeah, the jokester got it.
What's his deal again? Mind control? Sup... |
SaturdayNightLive | too_hot_to_handle_snl | Welcome back to Two. Lots of hands where the accents are all over the place, But the premise is simple. it's staying from physical intimacy and you win 200 Gs. Can you believe Netflix has made five seasons of this? Good evening, everyone. I introduced the ground rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago. and we've been s... |
CrackerMilk | directions | Mark, do you have a case of the Mondays?
Yeah. Oh, you always do at the office. Oh, the telephone.
Thank you so much.
Hello, is that Jarrod?
Yep. Would you like me to give you some directions? Uh huh. Sure, let me give you them. Totally. So you just take a left there and head straight up. Yep. Put your shoes on you... |
cracked | 90s_femme_fatales_killed_everybody_with_their_legs_wait_a_minute_what | Wait a minute, what? Nastal Dalzal, under the microscope.
Women killing men with their thighs is a murderously popular trope you've seen over and over again. Maybe without even realizing it, chances are if you look through the 90s in particular, you've seen a man squashed by a woman's thigh so many times you just kind... |
cracked | if_boxing_were_even_less_legitimate | Willy, Willy, Willy, what are you doing out there? You're letting him walk all over you. Where's your brain? Where's your, can someone get a cue? Thank you, good. All right, Willy, I need you to listen to me. I know he's big, bigger than you. Yeah, you could eat soup off your head.
I know, but he's slow. He's slower t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Angus_Sampson | Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, you are joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and Errol Parker editor at large, the two old bulls here today, there is no Wendell or Effie but we have actually asked them to sit this one out because we're talking to a kindred spirit today, a man ... |
cracked | 5_baffling_things_about_twitter_porn_accounts | Hey, you wanna know the weirdest thing about the outward-facing Twitter feeds of sites that provide free porn videos? That there are those? Pornhub, RedTube, U-Porn, BangBros, BroTube, BangU, PornTube, BangHubbers. They all employ people full-time to do nothing but manage their user's Twitter porn experience. Even thou... |
TheOnion | Millions_Irrationally_Feared_Dead_In_Minor_Train_Accident | And welcome back.
If you're just now joining us, millions of Americans are irrationally feared dead this morning following a train derailment near Wilmington, Delaware. Less than 200 people were aboard the train, but because no names have been released yet, countless more are being imagined trapped inside the wreckage... |
TheOnion | Romantic_Boyfriend_Surprises_Girlfriend_With_Valentine_s_Day_Love_Labyrinth | Hey, you know on Valentine's Day, some people spring for flowers or dinner at a five-star restaurant, but others go above and beyond with elaborately planned spectacles. This year we've heard about scavenger hunts, flash mobs, and of course, love bird Brendan Jensen, who started 365 days ago and built a nigh-unescapabl... |
SaturdayNightLive | jeopardy_1999_saturday_night_live | Don't walk away from your telescreen because it's time for the new Jeopardy! 1999. And now here's your host, Art F. 114. thank you very much. Thank you Don Vardo. Well, there's some exciting and valuable prizes to be won. Don, will you tell the folks at home who the contestants are? Art, our returning champion, is a sh... |
dropout | hardly_working_office_force | Um, hey, does anybody know how to fix this printer? I could use some help. Help? Someone needs help!
Okay team, let's walk over to the printer. I said walk. Come on, it's not that hard Guys, just left leg, lift up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, um, okay, uh, new plan, uh, right arm, r... |
dropout | the_couple_that_tries_too_hard_on_social_media_hot_date | Bridget, I have photos already! Get out of the cage! I'm sorry, I'm trying to... relationship goals here, Darius. Alright, you got your picture. Now let me hit some friggin' dingers! Damn it!
Um, actually though, that garbage usy of us only got 12 likes, so apparently we need a better one. Date night with my best frie... |
TheOnion | Weather_Forecast_Says_It_s_Windy_As_A_Bastard | Thanks, Tracy. If you were out and about in Pennington last night or this morning, you probably couldn't help but notice that it's windy as a bastard out there. We've gotten reports of garbage cans being blown clear across the goddamn street in the Poinsettia district, storm windows rattling around loud as shit by the ... |
cracked | how_captain_marvel_junior_has_the_worst_weakness | Comic book heroes are great and fun, and there are so many cool ones with different powers to choose from, but also ones with weird, strange weaknesses. And one of the silliest weaknesses is Captain Marvel Jr. Not sure who this is? It's Captain Marvel's sidekick, nerd. The way C-Marv Junes activates his powers is by ca... |
dropout | Our_D_D_Crew_Crashes_a_Pigeon_Wedding_The_Unsleeping_City | I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. You can go to Dimension 20 show and just click the bell to get notifications. I get carried away. I'm sorry. Do you guys wanna play D&D? No, thanks.
I think I go to Priya's house. You swim through the dreaming of New York and you arrive right near Union Square, close to Stuytown, and yo... |
dropout | snowboarders_infest_collegehumor_all_nighter_2014 | Oh, fucking snowboarders. They're always just sitting around blocking everyone.
Sorry, brother. Get away from me. I was trying to do a fakey stalefish without strapping in. Idiot. Where are you snowboarding? Like, where are you getting momentum? Sorry, brother. You got away from me.
That's me, the flying tomato. No, ... |
cracked | how_humans_will_eventually_beat_death_people_watching_4 | You know what I've realized? Death completely violates the laws of the universe. How do you mean? I mean, the universe is built on the law of conservation of energy, meaning for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. If say a car hits you, the distance you sail through the air is directly proportional to ... |
cracked | 5_permanently_banned_children_s_cartoons_canonball | Sometimes, while riding high on the success of their show, or more commonly, cocaine, cartoon writers get a bit cocky and end up with an episode of TV that censors yeet straight into the trash can before filling the trash can with concrete and sinking it to the bottom of the ocean. Or they just decide to never broadcas... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_dante_s_inferno | You are watching Bleed Bloop, I'm your host Jeff Rubin, here with writer and journalist Chuck Closterman and our own Pat Cassels. Today we are playing the first game based on a 14th century Italian poem, Dante's Inferno. Second actually. Really, what's the first? Burger Diet.
Have you read Dante's Inferno? I've... Wel... |
dropout | friends_with_benefits_wedding | We are gathered here today to join together Raymond and Courtney as friends with Benefits an estate exalted since the first man and woman wanted to F, but not like B tied down, you know. They're both pretty busy and they don't need labels. Those are a league that shall cease. Your total lack of commitment is a ting of ... |
Fitzthistlewits | the_great_gatsby_review | The Great Gatsby is a book by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's all about unrequited love, and the prohibition, and ennui, and shit. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Hey, Fitz, baby, I don't give a shit about any of this!
I want video games! Give me video games, you mumbling, effeminate English prick! Well, first... |
cracked | 20s_people_watching_season_2_episode_5 | Check in with a video update of your life once a year for 10 years. You'll thank us by the end. Okay, I've already wasted my life and successes for other people. And I'll be dead in the next 10 years and nobody will ever want to watch videos of me. That should save you some time. Okay, I wrote something here. To whom i... |
dropout | deceptive_deceptions | Did the Vatican suppress the fact that Jesus and Mary Magdalene together had a dog? Was Princess Diana really killed in the Challenger space shuttle disaster? Is the Loch Ness Monster actually a descendant of Jesus' magic dog? Did the Twin Towers really ever exist?
The clues are everywhere if one chooses to make stabs... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Crazy_Rich_Asians | Don't you want to see where I grew up, meet my family, my alma, and meet up with that strange college roommate of yours? Take Lynn. She has been begging me to come visit her, you know.
The universe has spoken. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be reviewing Crazy Rich Asians, a pione... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_action_dolls_action_figures_saturday_night_live | Having trouble finding a gift for that someone special? Well, how about Saturday Night Live cast dolls? Yes, now you can have your own cast party with these life-like adult action toys.
Hey, did Anne come to the party with Gilly? No, it's up to you. Is that Denny passed out on the couch? That's right, she's had too mu... |
dropout | coffee_town_uncensored_trailer | You know what I was thinking about last night being straight is gay I mean, how gay is it being attracted to a woman all pink and perfumey? You know, it's like, ooh, I like girls I want to rub it up against girls My name is Will and this is my office Coffee Town you're sleeping.
No, not This is Sam.
He sees people li... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Angela_White_the_Meryl_Streep_of_P_rn_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE | Breathe it in baby.
You have entered my realm a realm of cinema movies and film This is the last video store and I am it's servant Alexi toliopoulos the clerk of the last video store and Entering this realm to discuss film cinema and their favorite movies with me We have got a really exciting guest. I'm so stoked to h... |
SaturdayNightLive | bridesmaid_cult_documentary_snl | It all started with a box on my doorstep and a note with a question. and I just got this feeling that it wasn't the kind of question you could say no to. will you be my bridesmaid? You keep Sweet Wild Wild Country And the Nexium documentary comes a harrowing new cult story. I was a bridesmaid. each year more than six m... |
CrackerMilk | we_go_to_the_gaza_strip | Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah Muslim OOOOOOH What happened to your sleeves Bro? My sleeves, I ripped them off because it was too hot.
Guys this one was just sitting around Nice nipples dude. Nice nipples Can we get some digital zoom on the nipples? Cut diamonds they can.
Hey, guess what? What?
We've been planning fo... |
dropout | Murder_Mystery_Game_Show_Game_Changer_Full_Episode | Get ready for a game changer. Tonight's guests, coming in all the way from New York City, it's Josh Rubin. Coming in at eight foot 14 inches, it's Grant O'Brien. And coming in despite having two other dropout shows in post production, it's Rekha Shankar.
And your host, me. I've been here the whole time. This is Game C... |
dropout | contour_makeup_has_gone_too_far_hot_date | It's like I want a burger but I just saw Cowspiracy and it made me really hungry so I already had one for lunch. You have something on your face. Like an eyelash? No, like dirt and mud I think. Oh, it's my contour makeup. You look like you're in Broadway's The Lion King. I know, but it looks really good in pictures. Yo... |
dropout | porn_tech_support | Tech support, my name is Kunal, how may I be of assistance? Yeah, hi, your website logged me out, now it won't take my password. I can take care of that for you sir, what site were you using?
Um, Sticky Tits. I'm sorry? Sticky Tits, Dutches, okay sir.
And can I get your username? My name is Mark. Hi Mark, I said your... |
dropout | action_movie_pun_brainstorm_with_rob_huebel | Follow me, Hellspawn! Soon the flames of Admiral Inferno will lick the skies!
Playtime is over, Thugbutts. Well, looky here. You're just in time for the barbecue. Peacock! Fridge! Let's kick some Thugbutts!
You need to pipe down! Put this in your pipe! Get up and smoke it! Look who's coming down the pipeline! You nee... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Week_Of_May_9th_2014 | A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was four eons ago. A brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can't change who you are, and a bodybuilder's veins are now outside of his skin. Bolder, sleeker, and three times as powerful as your father ever was, this is The Onion We... |
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