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SaturdayNightLive | julianne_moore_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, this is an amazing year. I just had a baby. and my new film, The Big Lebowski, just came out. And I've also been nominated for an Academy Award for best supporting actress for Boogie Night. And you know, regardless of who wins, I got to say it's just a thrill to be in the same company as the other... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_new_8_bit_games | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, College Humor's Weekly Video Game Show. I'm your host Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with College Humor's Patrick Castles and Amir Blumenfeld. And our guest is comedian Joe Mandy.
Hi. Hey guys! Ready to play some video games? Born ready.
This week we're playing Mega Man 9, which even thoug... |
SaturdayNightLive | trick_or_treat_with_fran_drescher_snl | Oh, my goodness. look at this. don't you all look so cute. I think we might have to break out the king-size bars for this bunch.
Kids, wait! you're a bubble mistake! Who are you?
I'm Fran Drescher. sad President. Wow, Fran Drescher, what are you doing here?
I'm here to teach you how to do Halloween during a strike. ... |
dropout | axe_combine_episode_1 | Welcome to the 14th annual Axe Con By. Today the competitors will be trying to keep up with Sporty Girl through a series of athletic challenges and sports training. Kate's looking for a guy who won't cry when she tackles them in flag football. Our first competitor is Sean Hart from Strong Island. Sean is a strapping 5'... |
cracked | bill_murray_started_second_city_on_same_day_as_john_candy | Did you know that Bill Murray started Second City on the same day as John Candy? Yep. Bill Murray was on The Tonight Show to promote Ghostbusters Frozen Empire, but that didn't stop Jimmy Fallon from busting out an old black and white photo of Second City Murray, sporting an impressive mustache that lands somewhere bet... |
cracked | celebrating_the_oscar_nominees_i_got_hit_by_a_car_new_guy_weekly | Hi, you two, this is Alex with another I have not been in the office lately I got hit by a car turns out LA is not safe for someone talking into their phone walking backwards on a Residential freeway, but the show must go on so here. I am with my Oscar nomination special featuring my very special co-star It's hot nomin... |
dropout | our_best_worst_rejected_song_parodies_all_nighter_2014 | College Humors All Nighter!
I'm sittin' on the Blackwater rain Catch a fire Started from Nevada, now we here Started from Nevada, now we over fuckin' here Started from Nevada, now we here Started from Nevada, now we over fuckin' here I like season one I like season five But I don't like season two of the wild I like s... |
CrackerMilk | how_police_are_trained_now | Good morning, recruits. Welcome to your very first day of basic training.
Today, threat assessment. The number one rule, do not stereotype. Now have a look at this picture here and tell me, who do you think the criminals are? Quick question!
It could be any one of them. You see, it could be a doctor. It could be a sc... |
cracked | the_3_hardest_things_to_explain_about_call_of_duty_ghosts | So, what's this one? New Halo?
No, it's Call of Duty, man. Oh, Call of Duty. Actually, I played that one like a long time ago. Which one? Call of Duty. Which Call of Duty? The regular one. Alright, when was it set? World War II. Call of Duty's 1 through 6 and 8 are set in World War II. I don't know, man. It was Call o... |
dropout | bathroom_etiquette_with_adam_carolla | Hi, I'm actor-comedian Adam Carolla, and now celebrated author of the new book, In 50 Years, We'll All Be Chicks. Today's lesson, Bathroom Etiquette. Did you know that peeing on the toilet seat is essentially the same as peeing on a co-worker's ass?
Come on, man. While 95% of Chad's whiz may have found its mark, I wan... |
TheOnion | Superstitious_Delta_Airlines_Adds_Busty_Mermaids_To_Plane_Noses | Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plain noses. My friend, you look like you are in need of the world's finest internet news summa... |
TheOnion | Top_Chef_Contestants_Forced_To_Prepare_Entire_Meal_Out_Of_2013_Toyota_Avalon | Next up, a look at Buzzfeed's gut-wrenching Where Are They Now slideshow of recently kidnapped children. But first, it's time for our reality show recap with entertainment reporter Carly Margolis. Carly? Thanks Nina. Well, things heated up in the kitchen on last night's episode of Top Chef when the contestants faced th... |
ClickHole | if_only_all_dads_cared_as_much_about_protecting_their_kids_from_birds_of_prey_as_this_one | The sky is filled with terrible birds of prey. I mean, they're killing machines circling right above our heads constantly, and we never give it a second thought. As a parent, ignoring the dangers that carnivorous birds pose to my children is simply unacceptable. I have to remain diligent. My name is Paul Collins, and I... |
dropout | girls_love_dad_bods_the_music_video | Hey Just the other day I was out with my pals Drinking box wine, just being a douse in the corner of my eye What did I see?
The hottest motherfucking dead body I'm talking about the killer dead body Nothing gets a girl's girl more horny Than a former lax, roach, and ordinary Don't want to tend, just give me that six H... |
dropout | the_guy_who_dog_sprays_his_friends | Hey, I want one. Don't forget about me.
That's me being the dog. I'm doing his voice. He is so adorable. He is such a relationship server. He really was.
I mean, you know, Marcy and I were basically done and then she comes back with little Charlie here. And he just snapped us back together.
Oh, no. Bad Charlie. You ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_28_08_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, recording live here from Budgie Smuggler Studios in downtown Batutah as always. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and this week, no Wendell Hus... |
TheOnion | Obama_s_Home_Teleprompter_Malfunctions_During_Family_Dinner | There was a little hiccup yesterday at the White House after President Obama's home teleprompter reportedly malfunctioned during a family dinner. Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael joins us now with more. Jane, tell us what exactly happened over there. Well, on a last night in the middle of a c... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Continue_Developing_Alternative_Energy_Sources_For_Americans_To_Waste | TechTrends, brought to you by Starbucks DoubleShot. From wind to solar to battery powered cars, the scientific community is constantly developing alternative energy sources for Americans to blindly waste. Here at Green Ford in San Francisco, engineers are hard at work discovering greener ways to power our lives using h... |
TheOnion | NCAA_Expands_March_Madness_To_Include_4_096_Teams | Get ready for more madness. The NCAA has announced it's expanding the men's college basketball tournament to include 4,096 teams.
We'll separate the contenders from the pretenders in this hot and sweaty edition of the Steam Room. This is the Steam Room, where only the strongest opinions can stand up to the heat. Along... |
dropout | why_sex_is_magic | You guys want to know a secret? Magic is real! You know how I know? It's because- Because magic can be found in the stone, the berry bush, or waterfalls, or anything- No, no, it's because I've had sex, and sex is magic.
Oh. Yeah.
And I'm not talking about some silly metaphorical kind of magic either. We're gonna do i... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Jimmy_Barnes_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_132 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show recording down in downtown Batooda here at the Old City District, Budgie Smuggler Studios. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooda Advocate and o... |
cracked | proof_that_women_are_just_as_good_at_sports_in_movies | It's just it's incredibly sexist. Okay, they're professionals just like the men. They deserve equal respect. Look, I respect it I just don't like watching it.
I mean the WNBA is just like a slowed down less energetic version of the MNBA. I mean look take the best WNBA team Pit them against the worst NBA team and the w... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_garth_and_kat_sing_thanksgiving_songs_snl | Thanksgiving is less than the 20th one's free. Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and if you haven't loaded up your ipod with Turkey Day music yet, then you're in luck. Here to promote their latest holiday-themed album, Please welcome the sexiest songwriters I'm aware of, Garth and Kat. sorry about that. we're h... |
SaturdayNightLive | jerry_lewis_school_of_manners_snl | Sit up and lie down.
Hello, my name is Mr. Flang. welcome to the 9-9-9 Jerry Lewis School of Management, where we teach you how to act real crazy and at the same time be thought of as a genius in Paris and France and all kinds of good stuff. Do I make myself perfectly clear? Mr. Flang?
Yes, Ma'am. Um, Mr. Flang, I am... |
cracked | a_conspiracy_theory_too_weird_even_for_the_internet | It is a woman's body, it is her right to choose. Why are we talking about this?
This can only be counterproductive. No pun intended. Nothing intended.
Chris started it. I just don't believe in it.
Fine. Good. And I think we can all agree that it's a sin, so let's just leave it at that.
No. That's bullshit. Yeah. Yo... |
TheOnion | U_S_Condemned_For_Pre_Emptive_Use_Of_Hillary_Clinton_Against_Pakistan | Pakistani officials are expressing outrage following what many in the international community are calling the brutal and unjustified use of Hillary Clinton against their nation. Secretary of State Clinton hit Islamabad at approximately 9 a.m. yesterday as most civilians were starting their workday or attending morning ... |
cracked | responding_to_youtube_comments_new_guy_weekly | This is Alex. I'm very excited to be here doing another... The reaction of the first one last week shows me that the Cracked Brass does not monitor this channel. Not even a little bit. Can pretty much just hit upload. This week I want to connect with you guys and your comments on a video I made where I said Kanye West ... |
cracked | why_the_worst_powerpoint_presentations_take_preparation | And through synergy, I think that we, as a team, can really increase our profits.
Ugh. Jennings, I'm not gonna lie, that really didn't go very well. Oh.
Uh, what about my ideas on the direction that we're taking with leadership? Your idea, and I quote, was to optimize our leadership so as to increase our profit base.... |
ClickHole | amazing_watch_how_this_one_startup_is_changing_the_way_we_get_around | We live in a rapidly changing world. Technology is constantly altering the way people connect to each other and to the world around them, and that means that the way people get from place to place needs to change too.
My name is Dylan Blake Ambrose, and I'm the founder and CEO of Whisk. The idea behind Whisk is simple... |
cracked | why_the_death_star_would_never_work | Hey guys, remember the Death Star? I got it right here. Yeah. Look at it. I've been thinking about the Death Star a lot lately. Really? It's clear that you have been too.
The first time we see the Death Star is in Revenge of the Sith, actually. The first of the prequels, our plans, look it's a Death Star, we're going ... |
cracked | 50_shades_of_grey_cracked_responds | I don't do romance, my tastes are very singular. You wouldn't understand. Can someone explain why we're watching this?
So this is the video you were talking about with the two stars of 50 Shades of Grey. Hi, I'm Dakota Johnson from 50 Shades of Grey. And I'm Jamie Dornan from 50 Shades of Grey.
Dude, so it's become b... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_s_agent_j_j_gordon_on_the_actors_strike_snl | With the actor's strike recently passing the 100-day mark, many actors have been out of work for months. here to talk about actors not being able to find work is my agent, J.j. Gordon. let's see, baby, I haven't seen you since Miami, Bud. how's my favorite client? Hey, J.j. so nice to see you. So, what's it like being ... |
SaturdayNightLive | austin_butler_and_lizzo_are_bringing_christmas_joy_to_snl | Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I will be hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guest Lizzo.
I'm so excited. did you see the presents we left in your room, Cecily? What? Wait, you guys got me a present? Yeah. you didn't get anything for us? No, yes, I did. Oh, I got you this. Santa came early!
Thank you, Ceci... |
SaturdayNightLive | nba_on_tnt_danny_hoover_snl | We are back for the second half of action here in Downtown Los Angeles, where the Lakers lead their Lando Magic 5446 and with me tonight is our studio Analyst, Charles Barkley. Charles What can the magic do in the second half? Well, they just got to get better players alert. Actual magic.
Couldn't agree more now. we'd... |
dropout | urban_legend_er | Miss Mason, you've paged me 11 times. What's going on? It's out of control, Doctor. I've never seen it like this before.
Severe head trauma. Both of them? Yes. He was hit by a pin he dropped off the Empire State Building. And she was out to get her Sunday paper when her skull was crushed by a 300 pound block of frozen... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Cost_Of_Living_Tips_Fired_Up_Dogs_Hoarding_Grandparents_Making_Money_Off_Goi_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Hello and welcome to the weekly Batutah Advocate podcast, my favourite podcast, the superior podcast, the podcast where you've got me, Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman, not one where you've got Clancy talking to some D-list celebrity ab... |
TheOnion | stephen_strasburg_ceremoniously_re_injures_arm_on_opening_day | Welcome back to The Goof, if you're just now tuning in, you're an idiot, while neither Doc nor I have been shot yet, that's only because there hasn't been a gun pointed at our heads until now. I feel like I have nothing to lose. Just give me the gun. That's this gun to your head.
The Nationals officially got baseball ... |
cracked | the_most_insane_local_commercial_you_ll_see_today | Listen up, if you live in the Riverside area, you should know that shopping for clothes doesn't have to be a nightmare. Just come on down to the warehouse where our goal is to make your shopping experience as painful as possible. Hi, I'm Bradley, founder of the warehouse, and I know how horrifying it can be to shop for... |
dropout | spy_talk_sponsored | Brought to you by the city-friendly Toyota Prius C. Welcome to Spy Talk. The show where we ask a real spy the questions you were always afraid to ask because they're bad questions. I'm Streeter. And I'm Mr. X. Here, Pat. And we're here with John Grogan, a private investigator with over 30 years of experience. Okay, Joh... |
SaturdayNightLive | airbnb_design_commercial_snl | Bland. generic. downright uninviting. If these are the vibes you're going for, then we're your girls. because we're the nation's number one interior designers for. Airbnb. I'm Chanel. and I'm Chanel. And together, we can make your rentals pop with plain furniture and art for nobody. art pieces like. Albert Einstein wit... |
TheOnion | NewsBlitz_Senate_Session_Interrupted_By_Wailing_Of_Ted_Kennedy_s_Ghost | We're being attacked by news from all sides in tonight's News Blitz. First, our front line story out of Washington.
Progress in the Senate was hindered once again today by the crying of Ted Kennedy's ghost. Fulfill our obligation to, uh, in order to fulfill our obligation to the American people that this is a nation o... |
Wizards_with_Guns | when_you_don_t_want_anyone_to_hear_you_poop_ | Oh! Hello?
Did you just pretend to leave so you could be here when I poop? Did you just wait for me to leave so you could poop alone?
Yours is way worse! Is it? Yes!
I'm not doing anything illegal. I'm just standing in the bathroom as is my right to do it.
You're being a huge perv! You clearly waited here until I p... |
ClickHole | these_people_reminisce_about_the_first_time_they_understood_the_joke_of_bart_simpson_rude | Think about a joy that is so big you can't even imagine it. Are you at the limits of your mind? Too bad, because you need to get three million times happier.
That's how good it feels to know the joke of Bart Simpson. Rude. By 1995, I had learned almost all the jokes of The Simpsons, but the joke of Bart Simpson remain... |
SaturdayNightLive | buddy_songs_snl | Hi everyone, I'm sorry to interrupt the show, but there's something really important that I need to share with you all. can I get the cast out here? I know you're all busy getting ready for scenes, but this is pretty important. As most of you know, I've had a great time working with all of you this week, but I've becom... |
cracked | gv_mario_s_burden | Mario, can I ask you a personal question? Yeah. And we were just in case we were having, telling some stories.
Um, how did you lose your virginity? Oh, I, uh, I won a time in, in, uh, world four, a level of three.
He has a name, uh, Bullet Bill. He has a name, Bullet Bill.
Okay, go on. And he, he and I, we go on a d... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_are_drugs_good_for_you | Drugs are great for inspiring creativity. Without LSD, Steve Jobs might have never created Apple computers. And without marijuana, I might have never created Oreo nachos. Drugs are for the weak.
If you need a chemical crutch to get through your day, I just feel... I feel sorry for you. Ugh, I'm sorry.
Can we take a..... |
dropout | cop_talk_need_for_speed | This patch for tracking a silver Porsche speeds in excess of 150 miles an hour. Hi, welcome to Cobb Talk. I'm Pat. I'm Streeter and we're here with Officer Tom, a 12-year veteran of the force, and we're going to ask him all those traffic-related questions you've always wanted to know the answer to, but we're too scared... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_cameron_diaz_introduces_her_butt_choreographer_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, number One, the End! familiar to you guys, right? yeah. you know, remember this? Yeah, it should look pretty familiar because I kind of do it in every single movie I do. let me take a look. there's Charlie's Angels. there it goes. Oh, yeah, there it goes.
Oh, god, out of control. Vanellas guy, th... |
dropout | stop_messing_with_your_vaginas | Cheers! So anyway, that was when I realized that spinach has way more vitamin B12 than cocaine. I've been trying to be healthier too. I felt a yeast infection coming on, so I looked up some home remedies online. Oh, I've read about those. Like a dab of tea tree oil or coconut oil or some other oil? Yes, just like that,... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Panicking_Government_A_Reasonable_Voting_Option_A_Change_Of_Heart_More_May_13 | Now a quick message, we are trying to make sense of this political shitshow that is the federal election campaign live on reddit every tuesday at 6pm aest. Yes we are talking decode live on the program, you can lobby in and ask some questions if you want and it makes for a good tuesday evening chat, trust me we have ha... |
TheOnion | How_To_Increase_Your_Cognitive_Ability_By_Reading_A_Fucking_Book_For_Once | There are thousands of puzzles and brain teasers available on the internet that promise to boost neurological function, but science has yet to prove whether or not any of these exercises actually work. What we do know is that you can drastically increase your cognitive abilities by just reading a fucking book for once.... |
TheOnion | Transportation_Secretary_LaHood_Hoarding_Traffic_Cones_Stop_Signs_In_Advance_Of_Looming_Sequester | In preparation for looming budget cuts, Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood has been driving across the nation, snatching up millions of road cones, flares and traffic signs and stockpiling them in his garage.
LaHood told reporters, "...if Congress wants to cut funding from the Department of Transportation, I swear... |
TheOnion | Department_Of_Evil_All_Of_You_Must_Die_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_10 | The Department of Evil sending a strong and clear message today. All of you must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?
And a new study conducted by OPR finds that an astonishing five out of five Americans are unsure what we're doing in their bathroom. Hey, what are you doing in here? I'm on the... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_caitlin_clark_and_michael_longfellow_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the Arizona Supreme Court has reinstated a law from 1864 banning doctors from performing abortions. Now, reinstating laws from 1864 isn't the worst thing for me because I'... |
dropout | cell_phone_reunion | Hey, iPhone! You made it!
Any trouble finding the place? Trouble finding this place?
You kidding me? You ever heard of something called Google Maps, bitch? Bloop! You could have had this little shindig on the freaking moon and I would have found it. Seriously, check it out. Google Universe.
Oh, right. Well, there's ... |
wearethesundayblues | troye_sivan_chat_sandwich_episode_4_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Oh, that sandwich is really starting to smell. Yes, the sandwich. It's time for the biggest talk show in the entire world, with the word sandwich in the title. That's right, you guessed it. It's chat sandwich time.
Our guest today is a singer, a p... |
cracked | the_only_8_types_of_tv_shows_that_get_made_after_hours | Closer. Michael Swaim, vagina whisperer. Michael, did you only bring titles? Yeah, was that wrong? Sue me, bitch.
Another idea I had. That's not an idea. That's just another title. If we're going to come up with a TV show, we can't just come up with titles. Oh, no, man. Coming up with the show will be the easy part. A... |
dropout | CollegeHumor_is_Shutting_Down | I Came to get my job back now, I know you're all mad and you've been ignoring my call Ignoring you we've been busy packing. Wait, what's going on? You're too late Katie I'm going out of business sparks was sold to another company within Santa Monica. Actually, I think it's Brett would know it Yeah, cuz they're not over... |
cracked | what_you_ll_see_on_chatroulette_a_song_about_dicks_cracked_classic | And even if you click next again, you'll probably see a dick again, on Chatroulette. And even if you click next again, you'll probably see a dick again. On Chatroulette there's at least a 20% chance you'll see a dick the next time you click next, next, next, next. But it's not all dicks, maybe you'll see someone shit. ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_women_want_most_in_men_ | Hey, what about her? Her? Yeah, she's cute.
Go for it, man. Yeah? Okay. Be my wingman. Really? Yeah. Okay.
I'll be right back. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm Chris.
Ahh! All about sharing libations and lively conversation with this wench! What are you doing? Neil! Dude, stop! Announcing my lord, his highness, his high and drynes... |
SaturdayNightLive | st_gabriel_s_rummage_sale_saturday_night_live | Hi, how's it going? Oh great. glad you could make it. Hey everyone, this is my cousin Sheila Bowen from St. Rita's Parish. Where should I put these? Oh, okay. Toaster cozies to the left and everything else to the right. Got it? Great. Hmm. now who would want to get rid of this? I don't know. So cute. Hi, Okay. oh, hi. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_s_great_aunt_pat_on_holiday_etiquette_snl | Christmas is next week and we're all going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great Aunt Pat. Hi Aunt Pat. Hi Honey, you look dashing as ever. And my how it's nice to be back on. Update.
Oh yeah, yeah, well except you've never been here before. Colin, where are your manners? Never... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Dirty_Dancing | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's summer classic film standard, I'll be looking at the 1987 coming of age drama Dirty Dancing, a sleeper hit about baby housemen's life-changing summer vacation with her family.
It was made on a shoestring budget and smashed not just box-office expectat... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_scooby_doo_snl | Today, we're shooting a Scooby-doo sketch that takes a really dark turn. God! you just shot a cop? we just shot a cop. Mikey, Colin, and I share a blood thirst. And it's such a treat to be able to do a follow-up to one of my favorite sketches I've shot here, which is a crisp as Carol. there's chaos, there's blood, ther... |
cracked | why_disney_s_aladdin_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | It's Stockholm Syndrome. What's Stockholm Syndrome? Are you asking what thing is Soren describing as having the qualities of Stockholm Syndrome? Or are you asking for the definition of Stockholm Syndrome?
Neither. Impossible. The genie in Aladdin has Stockholm Syndrome. Impossible!
The genie has been trapped for, acc... |
TheOnion | Morbid_Curiosity_Leading_Many_Voters_To_Support_Palin | This is the Onion News Network, keeping you safe from the lies. All right, now let's turn to some political news.
A new poll shows Sarah Palin's presidential prospects are being bolstered by the public's morbid curiosity about a Palin White House. In an Onion News Network survey, 62 percent of Americans said that even... |
TheOnion | Conservatives_Sex_Change_Only_Barrier_Between_Gays_Marriage | Gay marriage is still illegal in most states, but could some homosexuals have found a way around the law? With us now is Missouri Congressman Gerald Isco, co-author of H.R. 328, a bill that would close the so-called gay marriage loophole.
It's good to be here, Teresa. Thanks for having me. Hi, Congressman.
You say th... |
TheOnion | This_Minnesota_State_Museum_s_Final_Offer_To_Owner_Of_Couch_From_Mary_Tyler_Moore_Set | Following several months of negotiations, representatives at the Minnesota State Museum confirmed today that they have extended their final offer to the anonymous owner of the couch from the hit 1970s sitcom, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Well, it's an incredible piece. We understand the owner has several prospective buye... |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_hello_my_name_is_executive_from_hell | Hi, welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat, and here's how the show works.
We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Our makeup artist today is Hannah.
Hannah, are you rea... |
dropout | kanye_s_social_media_manager | So psyched for the new album coming out. Now you know how usually when the new album drops we hop back on Twitter and say a bunch of super not woke stuff. How about this time? We just promote the new album and don't say anything.
Cool, I want to say being in danger is a choice. Okay. Humans have the choice to save end... |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_part_4_j_a_archives | Tell me where ace is quick before I destroy you. What is ace?
Oh god damn it just fucking sick Just say where Jake is Jake is in the kitchen. Oh wow that wasn't too hard was it earth nerd You're lucky this cameras on honestly They say you are what you eat, but in space that but that isn't always it that's whatever. I'... |
cracked | weird_how_everyone_president_donald_trump_knows_does_crimes_some_news | Hi, I'm a newsperson and here's some news. Last week we talked about how stories like Uranium One and the DNC partially funding the Steele dossier were created and overblown by right-wing media to distract from the president's actions and perpetual struggle to do the job he didn't want and doesn't like. And days later,... |
cracked | history_s_craziest_president_cracked_fact_from_the_de_textbook | Hello YouTube, thanks for joining me here in sunny Southern, California I'm Daniel O'Brien from crack.com and head writer of the D textbook from cracked, but you can get on Anywhere that books are sold. Hey, I want to tell you something John Quincy Adams was a president and a guy named John Cleves seems junior came to ... |
dropout | why_girls_are_cold_on_halloween | We are heading up four parties tonight. This Halloween is gonna be epic.
Do you guys think we're gonna get cold? It's impossible to be cold when we look this hot. It's not even that cold, so it's worse.
No, I like this. Hey.
You make a really cute ninja something. You wanna smoke? Outside.
I love Halloween. It's so... |
dropout | things_you_wish_you_could_say_to_your_roommate | Yo, I was really looking forward to having the apartment to myself I only like sharing food when it's your food if I'm late It's cuz you had the nerve to take a shower not because I just woke up great The sink is full of your dirty dishes now. There's no room for my dirty dishes Your cleaning is distracting hogging the... |
cracked | 18_most_ridiculous_moments_in_terminator_2 | You guys it's starting They did have to CG out Robert Patrick's dick for this scene really yeah, it's just that big Not my mother Todd so so Jack, I guess you were jealous of John Conner's home. You're new school I don't know what you're talking about So, what do you think doctor? I have shown improvement haven't I? We... |
dropout | president_hasn_t_seen_rocky_ft_patrick_warburton | China's economy has officially surpassed ours, but that does not mean that it's over. Let us use this to motivate ourselves. We can build an even stronger economy despite looking like the underdog. We can beat China.
Any questions? Are you saying we're like Rocky, Mr. President? I've never seen Rocky, but I can assure... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_18_7_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Okay, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. The day is Thursday the 18th of July, coming out of our town's famous Baxter Boots studio in Daru Street, downtown Batutah. You're joined here today, of course, by Clancy Overill... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_will_ferrell_s_mother_s_day_tribute_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Will Harrow! you don't know what you said, but I hope it's positive. Thank you so much. it's very exciting to be back home at Snl in New York City. New York City. City by the Bay. it's especially exciting, because in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother's Day.
And I know what I'm about to say... |
dropout | x_treme_planking | Yeah, you know, there's a lot of poser Plankers out there that want to dress like us. They want to act like us, but we just do it for the love of lying across shit, man.
There's just this moment, this out-of-body experience when you're face down, and it's unlike anything I've ever experienced, including fingering Beth... |
dropout | what_we_think_people_think_about_us_but_we_re_wrong | Sorry. If that woman could read my thoughts, she'd know I deserved to step it back down. I killed someone yesterday. Hi there. Do you have a moment for reproduction? No. Right? I get it. She's too busy to care.
And that's sexy. Sexy?
Is that farted garbage? I probably farted and didn't even know that.
That girl is h... |
cracked | why_quidditch_is_the_worst_game_ever_invented_today_s_topic | You going to the Quidditch match tonight? What the hell would I want to do that? Town pride. Athletes on brooms. Bludgers. That's a thing. Quidditch is bullsh**.
It's a fad. Everyone's going to get over it once they see you through the flares and hippogriffs. You mean the excitement and almost superhuman magicianship.... |
SaturdayNightLive | michael_keaton_needs_cue_cards_snl | Hey, Ed. how you doing? Ok, man. how you feeling? Well, I feel ok, you know. I'm nervous, but I'm up for it. Hello, man. you'd be all right. as long as you know the script, when you go out there, you'd be fine, man.
All right. yes, sir. good thing there are going to be cue cards. Yeah, it's cue cards, and I don't like... |
cracked | ant_man_trailer_cracked_responds | Hey guys, I know you're clearly already next to me, but come here. Look at this The trailer for Ant-Man. Thanks, Soren. What's Ant-Man up to? Marvel's next phase of superheroes So the story is that he has a suit that makes that he can shrink and he could also communicate with ants And he gets like the proportionate str... |
dropout | Who_Threw_Pretzels_at_a_Couple_Having_Sex_Dirty_Laundry_Full_Episode | There are some secrets we take to the grave and others we plaster online for last. This is Dirty Laundry and I'm your host, Lily Du.
What's up? Wow. It's fins up, guys, so my ferret head's out there.
Yeah, are you sorry that you're not margarita? No, that's all right. Yeah, that's all right. I'll be honest with you, ... |
dropout | if_she_s_all_that_starred_hipsters | At Silver Lake High School, Dutch Dradford had it all. Check out those wheels! He was the most popular guy on campus, until his girlfriend dumped him for someone cooler. Sorry, Dutch, but this is Silver Lake and you're just not very off-beat. Plus, Garrett plays the hostaphone. And now, to save his reputation, he's tak... |
dropout | can_you_flush_a_chocolate_cake_down_a_toilet | I have a question for you, or like a favor I guess, it's a favor. I was wondering if maybe like this Friday I could come over with a film crew and try to flush a chocolate cake down your toilet. About a year ago, I got into a debate with the writers. Could you flush an entire chocolate cake down a toilet? How many flus... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Scott_Morrison_Cops_It_A_Sad_Victorian_AFL_Players_Prepare_For_A_Rude_Sh_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah News Bullet and you're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Parker editor at large, hello Errol. Good mate. And Wendell Hussey our humble millennial news reader, how a... |
Wizards_with_Guns | he_invented_a_new_crime_the_insane_case_of_randall_conroy | Oh my god, it was just a joke! This is 32-year-old Randall Conroy. Four and a half hours ago, he was arrested for rigging a landmine to explode inside the popular trampoline park known as Rebounders during business hours. You guys gotta learn how to be funny!
During our examination of this footage, we will be discussi... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_god_s_pottery | That's right. We are a Christian acoustic duo based here in New York City, as I'm sure you can tell. And we're going to be doing a little sing and a play here, so let's first just make sure this guitar's working. Oh, there it is. Can you hear that other? Yes. Wonderful. And how about the microphones now?
Well, we did ... |
cracked | 12_13_07_news_on_cracked_mlb_steroids_ike_turner_w00t | It's Thursday, December 13th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friendman, and we really need to fire our teleprompter operator.
George Mitchell's highly anticipated report on steroid and other performance-enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball is expected to be about 300 pages, not including attachments. ... |
cracked | new_guy_cute_dog_react_to_the_puppy_bowl_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another... I don't know if you saw last week's episode, but this week I want to do something fun and fan-oriented and job-saving. You've been sending all kinds of fun ideas to newguyweekly at gmail.com. Picked out this one from Carl who writes, Do something with a dog, preferably a cute on... |
dropout | if_orgies_were_like_relationships | Hey, I was just gonna head out. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's fine.
Hey, um What is this I mean are we like Exclusive oh Well, I guess never really thought about it Sorry. Yeah, me neither I mean, I I know we're having fun, but I feel like I'm beginning to have feelings for you guys. Whoa Well, please I just want to know thi... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_131_Matthew_Reilly | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here in the Budgie Smuggler booth in downtown Petuta and today's guest is zooming in all the way from Los Angeles, rather quiet part of the world right now... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_miss_teen_usa_resigns_surprise_ozempic_babies_snl | A new plant has opened in Iceland, which is designed to remove climate pollution from the atmosphere using the world's largest vacuum. Aw, a new vacuum, just in time for Mother's Day.
I don't know how I thought you'd like that. it was announced that actor Andy Serkis will star in and direct a new Lord of the Rings mov... |
cracked | 7_jurassic_world_zoo_management_myths_busted_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a well-managed We already took down Jurassic World for its movie making on our site and on our channel But I'm taking my internet five panel hat off and putting on my zoological park pith helmet because for years I worked as a zoo tour guide and what zoo I can't say But I can say in my exp... |
TheOnion | Year_In_Review_Renewable_Energy_Source_Encoded_In_Charlie_Sheen_s_Rants | Well, there's no question about the biggest science story of the year. This March, cryptographers discovered a formula for a renewable, sustainable energy source encoded within the rants of Charlie Sheen. Major media outlets around the nation clearly suspected something deeply important was at the heart of the Two and ... |
cracked | week_in_douchebaggery_google_gene_simmons_j_lo | It's Friday, February 22, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I want to sex you up. Let me freak you out. In our top story today, Jennifer Lopez finally has a great pair to go with that ass.
In last night's CNN-sponsored debates, Hillary Clinton called Barack Obama's not quite plagiarized spee... |
ClickHole | couples_describe_their_relationships_before_and_after_marriage | What we were like before getting married. There's definitely a difference before and after. I used to just have access to my elbows, but now I have access to all of his elbows, in addition to the elbows I already had, I've basically doubled my elbows. Back when we were dating, we used to break into museums to climb ins... |
TheOnion | is_the_government_spying_on_schizophrenics_enough | Moving on, there are over 1.5 million diagnosed paranoid schizophrenics living in America today. Should our health care system be doing more to make sure they are safe to themselves and others by watching over them 24 hours a day? Yes, we need to monitor these people to make sure they're safe. Hide cameras everywhere t... |
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