section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
SaturdayNightLive | the_art_dealers_new_neighbors_snl | I'm excited to meet our new neighbors. when did they move in? Oh, I think, uh, yesterday. ooh, wow. they moved in fast. huh. oh, gosh. hey. oh, hello. come in. come in, please. Hi. uh, we're the clerks. uh, we wanted to welcome you to Asp, and we brought you a bottle of wine. oh, great. And I made some cookies. Oh, glu... |
TheOnion | ONN_Exclusive_Fire_Ninja_Inferno_Becomes_First_Openly_Gay_Fatal_Melee_Fighter | No matter this year's outcome, Lord Moldor's fatal melee tournament is already an historic one, as fire ninja Inferno has become the first openly gay combatant ever summoned to fight in the Underrealm. Just days away from the interdimensional kumite, Inferno took a break from training to talk about his experience after... |
SaturdayNightLive | couples_counselor_snl | Well, you did it. you got me to couples therapy. let's see if this works. I promise it will, Ted. she's the highest rated therapist on Zocdoc. this will be good for us.
I am so sorry about that. I was just on a call.
I am Dr. Wyatt. and tell me, what brings you in here today? I'm just not sure if Ted really loves me ... |
dropout | what_you_hope_happens_when_you_share_a_youtube_video | There was an explosion down at the Dildo factory! The town is filling up with dildos! Hey Shavad, come look at this. What is it? We'll call Mr. Dildo! We need all his Dildo secrets!
This is incredible. Oh yeah. You found a video on the internet that you didn't even make and then you called me over here? Even though yo... |
TheOnion | Representative_Wants_To_Meet_More_Kids_Online | 63% of our public elementary schools provide children with little or no access to the internet. That is completely unacceptable in this day and age. Without basic familiarity of the internet, without knowing how to browse, chat, and search online, our nation's youth do not have the skills they need to enter the 21st ce... |
dropout | fake_news_prank | Hi, we're here today to prove that people will believe anything you say if you phrase it like a question and are holding a microphone. On late night, on Friday night, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West appeared and they said that they're going to be putting the baby up for adoption because they don't think that they will be... |
dropout | a_real_grad_school_ad | Having trouble adjusting to the real world? Missing the warm womb of college life? Well, climb back into that academic vagina with the Quentleton State School of Graduate Studies.
When I couldn't get a job, went broke and had to move back in with my parents, I started to doubt that I was better than you. Now I have a ... |
dropout | stranded_on_the_north_pole | It's July of 1897 and it's Foxtrot, no, we can't go on another educational adventure right now. River needs our help. Look, I know it's risky, but if we try hard, we can get her back safely. Yeah! We just need to believe in ourselves or something and I think you're just trying to protect yourself.
Hi there. I'm going ... |
SaturdayNightLive | garth_brooks_backstage_with_tracy_saturday_night_live | Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's up? Great show so far, y'all. thanks, man, I'm sorry the pimp chat got cut.
Oh, don't sweat it, man, I'll do it next week, man. I'm just gonna say goodnight tonight.
Oh, cool. hey, man, I remember that concert you did in Central Park, man, it was on Hbo, man. I was clicking through the... |
dropout | high_school_friend | Hey, what's up, dude? You here? Nice. Alright, I'm coming right down. That's it. What the hell are you doing, man?
I'm just gonna pick up my friend from high school and give him a tour. Yeah, you don't see me hanging out with like friends from high school giving tours for fun, right? No, you don't have any friends. Do... |
dropout | the_roast_of_hbo | HBO. Wow, you have aired some controversial footage over the years. You even put an abortion on television once. But enough about entourage. And True Blood? Come on! You seriously passed on Mad Men so you could air Twilight for nymphos? In all seriousness, HBO, it's an honor to pick through your trash. Especially if yo... |
TheOnion | Jennifer_Aniston_Adopts_33_Year_Old_Boyfriend_From_Africa | Stay tuned, a little later in the hour, we're going to talk about what to do if your child is too sweaty.
But first, another celebrity has traveled to Africa to bring back an exciting addition to her family. Today, Jennifer Aniston arrived in Ethiopia to sign the final papers to adopt a 33-year-old man named Negasi. A... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_michael_longfellow_james_austin_johnson_and_devon_walker_snl | It's Weekend Up Day with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Up Day. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotting crossing the United States, officially ending history's mo... |
dropout | the_social_music_experiment_experiment_1_can_music_get_you_laid | Music. It can do anything. Get you high. Get you naked. Get you laid.
I'm Reggie Watts. Here's my buddy, Asif.
We're two badass sociomusicologists. Welcome to the Social Music Experiment. As chief sociomusicologist, I wanted to find out if music can bring people together.
And what's more together than having sex. I'... |
ClickHole | ph_d_reveals_conservative_book_of_bible_where_christ_becomes_a_millionaire_selling_mousetraps | Everyone thinks Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy, but is that really what happened? Consider this.
Look at this woman in the pink dress. Who is she? As you can see, she was directly next to the president when he died, and you can see in this photograph that she's desperately trying to flee the scene of the cri... |
dropout | honest_camping_trip | And that's how I would have set up the tents, but... Hey! We're three hours late because none of our cell phones have service. Oh, that's alright. I was just explaining how camping works. I would know I was a Boy Scout in fourth grade. West. Great! I brought a rope and what I assume is an AMF and flashlight radio. I've... |
dropout | 21st_birthday_fact_or_fiction | What's up guys? Best night ever, huh? Happy birthday to me! You guys do hungover to high-five? All right, are you serious right now? Are you serious right now? Do you know what you do? Hey, hey, hey, look, I got it. Okay. You got a lot of nerve coming in here asking for a high-five after last night. What are you guys t... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Saving_Private_Ryan | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at Steven Spielberg's 1998 epic Saving Private Ryan, a gripping depiction of a World War II squadron tasked with bringing home the titular soldier James Francis Ryan after D-Day. It's best known for its iconic o... |
dropout | furry_superheroes_are_the_grossest_furry_force_part_3 | Uh, boss? The dragon won't stop rubbing.
Ugh, hopefully they'll just wipe each other out. And after that, we'll turn the Force into parking lots, right? Nope, probably just get a regular job. I'm not even a bad guy anymore. I just want the Furry Force to be dead.
Viva Center, I have traveled from the future. In your ... |
cracked | how_mcdonald_s_got_tim_burton_fired_from_batman_junk_history_batman_returns_happy_meals_toys | Hello, and welcome to another episode of Junk History, the show where I play with a bunch of toys and you all watch me do it. Today's toys are a pair of Batman Returns action cars featured in McDonald's Happy Meals to promote the movie Batman Returns, released in the summer of 1992. It kind of looks like wacky racers, ... |
dropout | the_friend_who_loves_christmas_too_much | So how was your Halloween? Pretty low-key. Yeah, same here. I just watched movies. Oh, yeah, no. I mean, I dressed up as pretty low-key. Oh, that was your... Like, from the Avengers, but pretty. You know, I was a little freak boy.
Shut up! Well, guess it's time to pull Paige off the old Paige a Day calendar.
Oh, God.... |
cracked | actors_you_didnt_know_got_fired_from_movies_cracked_trivia | Okay, so I saw this tweet the other day, and I was like, did that really happen? And yes, it did. I had no idea. Ryan said that he thought the part of the grieving father should be 210 pounds. He decided that on his own. And he has said, in order to do this, he was drinking Haagen-Dazs ice cream whenever he was thirsty... |
TheOnion | Obama_Runs_Constructive_Criticism_Ad_On_McCain | After dozens of Republican attack ads, Barack Obama finally fired back this week with a series of constructive criticism ads that gently point out inconsistencies in McCain's policies. Let's take a look. Barack Obama thinks John McCain is a true American and would make an excellent president. But it seems like some vot... |
Wizards_with_Guns | desperate_actors_too_dumb_to_realize_they_re_in_a_heist | us robbers are really gonna clean this place out because okay hold on what now okay I feel like you can't hear my lines through the mask like I'm doing some quality I'm just keep the mask down yeah just keep the mask thank you and um do you mind if I see the footage real quick because last time you weren't filming and ... |
SaturdayNightLive | miss_universe_snl | We now return to the Miss Universe patch and brought to you by 80 for Brady. Finally a movie for your mom that your mom won't like. Back to Miss Universe. One of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it's not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, All right. Anyway, we are down to our fi... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_mulholland_drive | Mulholland Drive David Lynch's neo-noir thriller about how car accidents make everything confusing is jam-packed with hidden facts that'll blow you away. Here's some trivia that'll change the way you watch Mulholland Drive forever. One of the central mysteries in the movie is the consistent appearance of the red lampsh... |
ClickHole | we_talked_to_4_couples_that_actually_met_using_tinder | You want to go first, or is it? You. You go.
We've been together 18 months, and we met using Tinder. We met on Tinder, and we've been together for almost a year now. It was Tinder for us, and we met on Tinder, and now we've been together since the beginning of time. I also met on Tinder. At first I was a little bit ne... |
CrackerMilk | there_s_nothing_unusual_about_this_orphanage | Hello everyone. Hey, um, oh sorry one sec get out Over the sound of you getting the fuck out of my sight loser. Yeah, you should leave That's right. We don't like you here and we don't want you to that table. Yeah This is the cool kids table and you my friend are a loser.
You are a smell off the not cool What's that? ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Latrell_Mitchell | Hello listeners, it's Clancy Overall here. I've had to come into the studio over the weekend to record a new intro to this week's podcast because a lot has changed in the world since we recorded our interview on last Thursday. This week's podcast is a bittersweet interview with one of the most promising talents in the ... |
Fitzthistlewits | golden_joystick_awards_campaign_video | Ah, the Golden Joystick YouTube Gamer Award. It's a reward so prestigious and exclusive that most people don't even realise it exists. Now, I imagine if you're watching this, and I assume you are, you're probably thinking about voting for the Yogscast.
I mean, even I am, and I hate them. But did you know that Simon La... |
TheOnion | Israel_Unveils_New_Defense_System_To_Deflect_Accusations_Of_Human_Rights_Violations | A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020. The nation's gratuitously sexual couples announced plans to wait in line at six flags. And a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap. Offering a one-stop shop for all your peerless online news summary needs, this... |
SaturdayNightLive | a_christmas_carol_snl | I want to be a better man. I want to live. I'm alone. I'm alive. I can't believe that I'm alive. Thank you, Spirits. thank you for showing me the way. I'm as light as a feather. I'm as merry as a schoolboy. I'm as giddy as a drunken man.
And I will change. I swear to you, and I will change. I just hope it's not too la... |
TheOnion | Media_Company_Lays_Off_Dozens_Of_Unskilled_Bloggers | A dad delivers his State of the Union rebuttal directly into the television screen. A new program provides Americans with suicide prevention dogs, and the Surgeon General advises being 19 years old with 100 bucks in your pocket and your whole life in front of you. Nothing you do or say will ever reach the lofty heights... |
cracked | when_skinny_dipping_gets_awkward | How awesome is this an entire week out of the city? I'm just happy to be out of the office in this place that lake is beautiful It's perfect for Skinny dipping Get a couple of drinks in me who knows Jesus I was kidding. Whoa, how run let's go you guys Live in the mail.
It's now o'clock actually It's noon and we're sob... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Film_Standard_Shazam_Fury_Of_The_Gods | I just threw a truck at a dragon. I love my life.
This is Peter Rosenthal, Head Film Critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be discussing Shazam! Fury of the Gods, the latest film in the DC Cinematic Universe, and one that, in my opinion, anyone should be able to go see by themselves without being called a weird loser or p... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_devil_sticks | That was a great sporting event tonight. Yeah, I think they're going all the way this year, Oz.
Hey guys, I was cleaning out my closet and I found my Devil Sticks. Oh dude, I used to rock at these things. Check it.
Raz-ma-taz.
And the Dipsy-doodle. Who has Master Man Sticks?
Me, I guess. Surely you must be the most... |
TheOnion | NFL_Concludes_Ex_Players_Taking_Their_Own_Lives_Because_They_Miss_Football_So_Much | The NFL has finally responded to the controversy over brain damage in professional football. After a string of tragic suicides by former players, the league issued a report this week concluding that ex-players are most likely taking their own lives because they miss football so much. Now no longer denying a link, Commi... |
SaturdayNightLive | lisa_from_temecula_wedding_snl | Oh, my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Nadine is such a beautiful bride. Chandler is one lucky guy. he sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it's probably tough coming to a wedding today after a breakup, but I think it's so sweet that your baby sister, Lisa, came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it's so ni... |
cracked | creepiest_commercial_for_the_most_amazing_product_cracked_responds | Hey guys, have you guys seen this commercial? It's for a universal translator. Oh, cool. I'm going to try and kiss girls I've never met before using this translation device, IDI. All right, let's go and do this. It's like the quickest way to make something amazing, like this is a pretty breakthrough technology. Yeah, i... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_arby_s_manager_arrested_82_year_old_college_graduate_snl | Paramount Plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will star Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. the 79-year-old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner, while the 76-year-old Mirren will play his grandmother. a new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_devon_walker_and_punkie_johnson_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chey. thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chey. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, guys, it's 2024, but is it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the year 2020, I never think, we should run that one back.
And if you're feeling c... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Sunshine_Coast_Property_Developer_has_revealed_that_All_The_Aboriginals_He_s_Spoken_To_Are_Votin_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin my name is Clancy Overall and I've just had a I'm not going to say the name of the brand but I've just had a beer by a company that makes really really strong beers so if I get caught up a littl... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_15_10_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin, live from Baxter Booth Studios here in downtown Batuna the old city district, the date is the 15th of October, you're joined by myself Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Park ... |
SaturdayNightLive | paw_patrol_snl | Paw Patrol! As Mayor of Adventure Bay, I hereby present the Paw Patrol with this medal of Bravery for stopping that out-of-control hot-air balloon. with you pups on patrol, our city is in good hands. don't you mean good Paws? ha ha ha ha ha ha! enough is enough. I'm City Councilman Herb Tangier. Mayor Goodway has put a... |
dropout | pov_being_bad_with_names | Hey, what's up?
Ugh. God, I don't know anyone here. Except the host, but he's busy because he's the host. Ugh, fucking Rob.
Okay, Dave. Time to meet some new people. That's a thing humans are known to do.
No.
Oh, there, she's cute and no one's talking to her.
Okay, Dave. It's not weird. You're not weird. Hey, how'... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Polly_Bennett_SALTBURN_choreographer_and_ELVIS_movement_coach_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | This is the last video store and I am its clerk, Alexi Toliopoulos, sitting behind the counter having wonderful conversations with interesting people about the films they love. And coming into the store today, we have got a wicked guest.
We're joined by Polly Bennet. Now Polly Bennet is a choreographer and a movement ... |
cracked | the_most_irresponsible_science_lesson_ever_taught | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be taking a break from cable news and counting off Attack of the Show's hip and edgy science segment instead. Candles, watch what happens when they get vaporized.
Yeah, that's right. Hey, it's cool, it's explosive, it's fucking science. Awesome.
Fire and curse words. I can't wai... |
dropout | wow_everyone_s_flirting_with_ally | For Book Club, my choice is this. It's a book about barbecuing. It's wonderful.
What's up, guys? Hey! Whoa, another cool shirt, Allie. Oh, yeah, thoughts and prayers.
I saw them last night. It was amazing. A concert?
Oh, really? Gosh, you sure don't seem like someone who'd be into good music. Oh, yeah, you know me. ... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_artificialist_intelligence_a_i_founder_2024 | As far as the end user is concerned, it feels pretty magical and automatic. So this is for the talentless people in HR or sales that don't know about video editing or anything? I wouldn't call them talentless, but they benefit the most. Yeah.
In the hope of finding the next best superstar founder, I decided to expand ... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_human_gif | Hey, Sam, you, uh, you called me? Fifteen times? Pat, I've been thinking about what you said.
About how Jifs are blowing up on the World Wide Net. And I have a proposal. College humor, Jifs. Uh, yeah, I think that's a great idea.
I can get in touch with some animators. Animator? No, no, no. Why would we do that when ... |
SaturdayNightLive | chapman_family_barbecue_snl | It's Memorial Day, May 31st, 2004, the annual Chapman Family Barbecue. it seems Mother Nature rented the outside for one of her showers. so we had to migrate to the basement. Oh! there she is, the Queen of Castle Chapman, my lady.
Ugh, Mike, turn that thing off. that camera always gets you so worked up. not as worked ... |
SaturdayNightLive | ayo_edebiri_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ira Ojebari!
And I am so excited to be here. Snl means so much to me. this really is a dream come true. raised in Boston, which makes me the first black woman to ever admit that. yeah, three days into February and I'm already making black history. But no, I was raised in Boston by an immigrant fa... |
dropout | the_conservative_lorax | Way back in 600 Sniggly Sneeze, I was taking good care of the Truffula trees. I gave them fresh water and fed them fresh air. I planted new truffulas and grew them with care. I kept the trees safe from the axis the hack, so the Lorax and all of his friends would come back.
When all of a sudden, I heard a gazumber and ... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Pop_Pilgrims_Seattle_Kurt_Cobain_Park | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
The music that Kurt Cobain made with Nirvana, particularly 1991's genre-defining Nevermind, touched m... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_open_source_maintainer_in_2023 | The frustrating thing for the maintainers are all the PRs that aren't actually contributing any code, but are just fixing typos in the documentation or just rewrite the code. Nobody reads the document. Yeah, let's talk about open source.
Sure. Yes. Okay.
Yeah, I still do open source work in my free time. Deep into th... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_the_tea_party_saturday_night_live | But President Obama is facing criticism from the Tea Party organization after joking at a Miami fundraiser that they should be thanking him for major tax cuts. Here now to comment is political strategist, Mr. James Carville. Hello there! Now, Mr. Carville, Tea Party members were upset, pretty upset by President Obama p... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_religious_cult_members_with_a_restaurant_review_saturday_night_live | Last week, a new restaurant called Le Jeudom opened here in Manhattan, and now here with a review of that restaurant, Two guys from a religious cult. the long dead rulers of the serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrusted eyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at the unspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worsh... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_all_things_female | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hey there, I'm John Gabers. I'm here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man, because chicks dig men. As a matter of fact, that's what we're talking about today. We're talking about the ladies. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Phili... |
dropout | gta_5_review_so_realistic_it_s_boring | Hey, it's Pat.
I got my hands on the new Grand Theft Auto 5 a day early. It's supposed to be the most realistic Grand Theft Auto yet, so I'm really excited to play it.
Let's blow some stuff up. All right, so I got my character here. I'm wearing trousers and a shirt. And now for the hat.
Hmm, okay, I guess I'm going ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | terry_the_lobster_s_cook_off_extravaganza_ft_hillary_kitchen | Welcome to Hillary Kitchen's $10,000 Cook-Off Extravaganza, sponsored by True Korea. These three contestants will be competing to impress me with their culinary skills. For the first round, Jeremy, you have been eliminated.
I, uh, get out. What? I'm confused. I get out!
It's time to see who really knows their food. W... |
dropout | making_bigoted_jokes_because_you_care | Did you just get a salad for lunch today? Yeah, I actually don't eat that much meat. That was your chance! Hey, I found something on my back.
Do you think it... I'm watching Paul and Jillian. I think they're about to take the next step in their relationship. Next step?
Didn't you guys use to date I thought Paul was g... |
dropout | everyone_s_a_republican_on_tax_day | I couldn't believe I owed so much money again this year. I know. I got eaten alive on taxes.
Tax trouble, eh? Well, that can be a real hornet's nest. Who are you? Tucker P. Whiteman is the name, and I may just have a solution to your April 15th problem. Do you work for the IRS or something? Heavens, no. I work for the... |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_train_visit_cold_open_snl | You're watching C-span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio following this month's train derailment. it's wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. not a great name. but I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. he's on Spring B... |
dropout | i_know_everything_about_anime_fans_vs_faves_pt_3 | From Skeksis to Hexis, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Allie Beardsley. Good tidings. We have Amy Borble. Hello. And our very special fan guest from Philadelphia, Jason Gaughan.
Thanks for having me. Y... |
dropout | your_drunk_dial_gets_animated_2 | This is Jody's Pizza, open from noon to 11 p.m. but we are closed now, alright? So leave a message. Okay, if you're sleeping in the pizza parlor right now, just do me a favor. Get some dough, get some meat toppings and make a pizza. I'm sure you know the exact directions. I'm starving.
I had a crazy night, man. We lik... |
SaturdayNightLive | barber_shop_talk_snl | And, oh, man, I still cannot believe that Kanye messed up all that money. he gonna lose $2 billion in a day. So he's using the Paper Shredder. mm-hmm. because it couldn't be me. I know, right?
Then he did all them damn interviews, making things worse and worse. You ain't got to say everything that you're thinking all ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Gladys_Promise_A_Queanbeyan_Arrest_Australian_Club_Drama_More_June_18 | We've sent a bit of money over to his mother. We didn't pay him too much money to begin with so I'm not sure why she's asking us for any.
But uh sure let's make the most of a bad situation. My name's Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate joined of course by Errol Parker editor at large. How are you Errol? I'm ... |
cracked | elexploitation_9_shameless_ways_people_milked_the_election | Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode 2 of Crack TV, the only show with an incredible moniker hosted by an android from deep within the bowels of a government facility. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of People Screaming. How you doing today, Clippy? Hey, we've all been there, man. In accordance with a rece... |
dropout | very_mary_kate_drinking_game | Your mocha laxative Crapaccino is ready. No need.
Today we're playing the Mary Kate drinking game. Mary Kate drinking game? You repeated what I said! Okay, what is the Mary Kate drinking game? Well, everyone, meaning me, gets a bottle of cherry rum to themselves, meaning me-self, and glugs whenever MK, me again, does ... |
cracked | how_harry_potter_actually_became_a_muggle_con_artist_episode_2_of_3 | You all know the story of this special boy with a lightning bolt-shaped scar and the evil that he was destined to destroy But you don't know this story about a rad alternate timeline where he and his bud ran away to Mugglelands instead One bright wizard girl tried to fetch the boys back. Only they weren't boys anymore ... |
SaturdayNightLive | laser_cats_snl_digital_short | Lauren, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk. you will not be sorry. I'm sure, what's up?
Bill and I stayed up all night brainstorming, and what we discovered is that there are two things that everyone loves. cats and lasers. that's right, cats and lasers. So we went out and shot a short film, all on our ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Vichara_Edirisinghe_from_Astral_People | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. My name is Clancy Overall, you know me by now. Today I'm joined by Effie Bateman as a co-host, now I should say cultural reporter, rapidly rising talent in The Batoo... |
TheOnion | Oprah_Invites_Hundreds_Of_Lucky_Fans_To_Be_Buried_With_Her_In_Massive_Tomb | Big news coming out of the Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, the beloved talk show host made the announcement that she's going to invite fans to be buried along with her in her tomb upon her death. This is so exciting and joining us right now with the tales is our own entertainment reporter, Alex Blair.
Good morning, Alex... |
dropout | I_m_on_a_Diet_But_I_ll_Be_BAD | Thank you all for coming to my secret volcano lair. I've asked you all to join my cabal of evil.
Each of you was ambitious, cunning, and very bad. Doctor Nitrus Nefarious, chemist of death. General Dominic Machete Hands, bloodiest warlord in the world, with machetes for hands.
Jessica cheated on her diet. I've been b... |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_Denies_He_Incited_Mob_To_Drag_Congressman_Through_Briar_Patch | An update now on a legal battle emerging around The Onion News Network's own Jod Crespekler. After the shocking story yesterday that a group of assailants attacked Congressman William Cummings, tied him to a horse and dragged him through a briar patch, some are now saying these statements from Mr. Crespekler last week ... |
dropout | stop_saying_it_ruined_my_childhood_ | Oh, did you guys hear this? They're rebooting the Ghostbusters movie, but with none of the original cast members. Not even Bill Murray? Especially not Bill Murray.
Why does Hollywood keep fucking with the stuff I loved as a kid? Seriously, and I'm not exaggerating, this ruins my childhood. I was nine years old when th... |
cracked | spooky_facts_about_get_out_you_ve_never_heard | The movie was actually inspired by Rosemary's Baby and the Stepford Wives. Jordan Peele says that the entertaining way Get Out explores racial politics was inspired by the way those two movies tackled gender politics. The opening scene is littered with references to other movies. Peele says he wanted the neighborhood w... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_roast_snl | Oh, my god, we're going to beat the guy around. Hello. Dakota! what's up? Hi. how are you? we are such big fans.
Oh, my god. are you kidding? I've seen all your videos. Oh, my god. are you serious? yes. they're really not for me. What? not how I expected you to come in here. must be that dry sense of humor. we had an ... |
SaturdayNightLive | vincent_price_s_halloween_special_snl | You're watching Tv land at 11 on a Friday night. Think about good presents. Vincent Price's Halloween Special. Now, please welcome your host. Spawn of Moloch. Vincent Price. When the minions of Sam Hayne come back Guys, I'm not fully up yet. you got to keep pressing the thing to wreak havoc on the living.
And guys, wr... |
cracked | 11_reasons_ferris_bueller_s_day_off_is_secretly_terrifying_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that you in the comments and on tumblr often refer to as pop culture disorder, which doesn't even... come on guys. OPCD. The O is important. Anyway, I'm Daniel Bryan, and today's episode looks at...
Dammit! Oh! Oh Bryan! Oh!
Fe... |
TheOnion | George_W_Bush_Debuts_New_Paintings_Of_Dogs_Friends_Ghost_Of_Iraqi_Child_That_Follows_Him | George W. Bush may be retired from politics, but he's keeping busy with his new hobby of painting. Today, the Picasso-in-Chief tweeted his latest picture, a turkey sandwich and glass of lemonade in front of the ghost of the Iraqi child that follows him everywhere. Rebecca Mera has been following the painting potus' flo... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_When_Harry_Met_Sally | Yes, yes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh God. I'll have what she's having.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's cinema classic segment, I'll be looking at When Harry Met Sally, Nora Ephron's 1989 romantic comedy that's widely regarded as the gold standard of the genre, and a film I personally find o... |
TheOnion | Simple_Ways_To_Hack_Your_Breadstick_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey guys, today I'm going to show you how to hack breadsticks. Now we all love breadsticks, we eat a ton of them. There's even a new unlimited breadstick bowl program at the Olive Garden that the internet is going nuts about. But today I'm going to show you some interesting things to do with breadsticks that most peopl... |
SaturdayNightLive | president_biden_midterms_address_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from the President of the United States. this Tuesday, our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy, and let's just say, big yikes. what's going on? I guess the Democrats' message just ain't getting through.
Plus, I'm over here talking to people who don't exist. that don't help muc... |
dropout | the_girl_who_can_t_let_things_go_hardly_working | Yes! What happened? Sorry, it's just, this book is really funny. Cooking without looking, it's a Shane Crown book. It's really good. Oh, nice. I had to check it out sometime. Wow.
Look who's recommending books to who? Not this again. Because I seem to recall a day. You just can't get over this, can you? When you asked... |
TheOnion | What_Kind_Of_Mom_Stick_Is_Right_For_You | Hey motherfaces! Today I'm going to talk about one of the hardest but most important decisions that every new mom deals with. What kind of mom stick is right for you? Now obviously the mom stick that you decide to buy says a lot about you as a mom.
Are you nurturing or all business? Creative or buy the book? How stron... |
dropout | the_post_office_is_getting_desperate | electronic mail or email. It gained popularity in the early 90s and it showed a lot of promise. But now we can all agree that it just doesn't work and the post office is here to stay. I was so excited. I got my own computer. I signed up for my own email address. And then I was like, now what? Things just didn't happen.... |
TheOnion | Health_Experts_Warn_Protests_Could_Set_Off_Second_Wave_Of_Police_Brutality | Massive protests across the country have health officials concerned today. Hear why many of the nation's top medical experts are worried these demonstrations could lead to a large second wave outbreak of police brutality. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. We've got the la... |
ClickHole | these_elderly_people_s_stories_of_an_early_unsafe_version_of_disneyland_will_terrify_you | Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. I first visited what would become Disneyland in 1948. I was seven years old and absolutely enamored with Donald Duck. To be able to see it before most other kids, well it felt like it wo... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_adam_driver_monologue_snl | Ladies And gentlemen, Adam Treiber! Thank You, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'm so excited to be back! Especially, I Have to say, especially during this time of year, I Love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday, the food, the music, the family. But Largely it's because I have a very deep and personal relat... |
dropout | the_six_coworkers_you_ll_have_at_your_job | This is you. These are your friends and family, the people who matter, who love you, who make life worth living. And these are the people you spend all your time with. You're like Jim and Pam. Yeah, let's pretend that's the perfect example of a workplace romance.
One night, you finally work up the courage. Remember wh... |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Congress_Announces_Plan_To_Hide_Nation_s_Porn_From_Future_Generations | After months of debate, Congress passed the Pornographic Media Concealment Act yesterday, intended to hide our nation's pornography from future generations of Americans. This act will ensure that the inhabitants of ensuing centuries will judge us based on our contribution to literature and the arts, rather than our vas... |
TheOnion | Amazing_Dance_Prodigy_Hopes_New_Ballet_Will_Inspire_Her_Dad_To_Notice_Her_For_Once | A Hard Morning calls for a soft drink of news with Jim and Tracy. Brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both with Today Now. Later in the hour, Jim found a bag of meat on the side of the road and is going to let you, the viewers, decide what to do with it. I can't wait. But first, it's time for Ge... |
cracked | movie_trailers_act_like_we_re_all_idiots_yboc | Hey nerds, Dr. Jordan Breeding here with another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the only show on crack that costs over $500 million per episode. And now that you know that, you definitely wanna keep watching just to see where that money goes, right? That's cause I tricked you with my tricks. Speaking of, is it unusua... |
SaturdayNightLive | miles_teller_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Miles Teller! very much. I am so excited to be here hosting the season premiere of Snl. this is my first time hosting, and I know they like when you do impressions and play different celebrities, and I wanted to come prepared. So I asked my friends, what celebrity do I look like? I was thinking a ... |
cracked | john_quincy_adams_wanted_to_meet_mole_people | John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States, and he was the only president who wanted diplomatic relations with the center of the goddamn Earth. Because John Quincy Adams believed in diplomacy, he was America's ambassador to the Netherlands, to Prussia, to Russia, and to Britain. Then he bought us Fl... |
SaturdayNightLive | rex_reed_s_a_team_review_snl | Hi, my name is Mr. T. I got a new show on Nbc, and it's called the A-team. And you better watch it, because if you don't, I'm gonna come over your house and make you watch it Live with your Mama. And that's why I say I pity the man who don't watch my show. Mr. T, please, just shut up for a second. I feel I simply have ... |
cracked | all_that_jazz_review_aka_we_re_gonna_need_a_bigger_jazz | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, dang it! You ruined it. Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better, I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Ally.
Say hello. Hello. Hello! Yeah, we- What's new?
We didn't have a single... |
SaturdayNightLive | old_home_movies_snl | All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean, Please Nobody go in there and mess it up.
Yes, Ma'am. Now. what are y'all watching? Dad's old home movies? Wait, what's going on? Hey kids, it's me Daddy.
If you're watching this video, it means I'm already dead. He's upstairs on the toilet, where did yo... |
TheOnion | New_Sony_Nose_Buds_Allow_Users_To_Blast_Different_Smells_Into_Nostrils | Sony released this week the Nasal HD 340s, a brand new pair of high quality nosebuds designed to let users blast different scents into their nostrils throughout the day. The onion-like consumers across the nation sound off about their excitement for the new product. I've always got them in my nose, at work, at the gym,... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.