section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
TheOnion | fcc_okays_nudity_on_tv_if_it_s_alyson_hannigan | Now in the past six months, the FCC has given out over $2 million in fines to television networks for obscenity violations. That's right. But you know, the networks are complaining that they can't really tell themselves what is and what is not obscene. So we're going to figure it out this morning right here on Today No... |
dropout | adopt_a_graduate | The International Children's Fund has worked for almost a century to help the less fortunate in other nations. Now we want to tell you about a problem a little closer to home. You don't know his name. You don't know what suburb he grew up in. All you know is that he just graduated from a small liberal arts college some... |
cracked | why_the_terminators_are_probably_just_sex_robots_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Except for that last film, the Terminator films are considered... wait, except for that last film and the one before that... and the one before... Jesus, okay. The first two Terminator films are widely considered sci-fi classics, while the franchise as a whole has been an veritable doomscreamer about the potential dang... |
cracked | 7_ways_you_re_completely_wrong_about_egypt_s_pyramids | You're wrong about Egypt's pyramids. Which is weird, right? You'd think humanity would have a handle on its most famous buildings by now. Instead, here we are fighting misconceptions with facts, and here's Great Pyramid fact number one. The Great Pyramid isn't humanity's greatest pyramid. Khufu built Egypt's mightiest ... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_on_earth_my_ex_sean_compilation_philomena_cunk | What started the tension between the British and the Americans? Was it because you say cookies and we say biscuits and you say sidewalk and we say pavement? Because I find in a relationship it's those little things that start to grate after a while. It was worse than that. Britain decided they were going to tax the col... |
cracked | cracked_s_week_in_douchebaggery_olsen_twins_pot_1_25_08 | It's Friday, January 25, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and there's just 11 short shopping months till Christmas. According to ABC News, a Bank of America in Las Vegas was robbed yesterday by a female robber dressed as a man. Authorities have released this photo of the suspect.
Munther Murej ... |
cracked | why_movie_cops_are_terrible_at_their_jobs_after_hours | Ah, I promise you, it's not autistic girl. It's I kissed a girl and I liked it.
Yeah, but you see how that's confusing though, right? Oh, thank God. What happened to you guys?
We got pulled over. You yelled at a cop, she yelled at a cop. Oh my gosh, you just hadn't changed over your tags yet. Tell me where that falls... |
dropout | hardly_working_office_prank_sponsored | Hello there, I'm Dan from Hardly Working, and over the course of the next three episodes, we're going to be all about the big fun that can come from pulling little office pranks. If you think you're an office prank master too, send us your favorite little office prank story, and you can have that prank story immortaliz... |
dropout | teen_romance_is_too_dramatic_hot_date | Kyle, I think I'm ready to go all the way to third base. I love you. Hailey, I've got hay!
We're watching a movie! I can see you, Kyle. We're watching a movie.
Okay, time for you to go home. Mom, no! He can't leave! I've already told you, Hailey, no boyfriend after 9 o'clock.
I'm your mother. I know what's best for ... |
dropout | derrick_s_godfather | I believe in America. America has made my fortune and I raise my daughter in the American fashion.
Recently my daughter she she take a boyfriend. Her and his boyfriend and another boy they go riding in a automobile and she don't do what they want her to do.
She is a good girl Godfather and they beat her Godfather lik... |
cracked | why_horror_movie_slashers_are_the_best_wingmen_ever_horror_movie_parody | What? What is it? I think I heard something.
Would you relax? My parents are gone for the whole weekend. It's just that if my dad finds out I'm here, he's gonna kill me. You worry too much. No one is gonna kill anyone tonight. Yeah, but maybe I should just like call him and tell him like spending the night at Nancy's ... |
cracked | 5_movies_that_become_insane_if_you_swap_genders_yboc_titanic_shape_of_water_back_to_the_future | Hey there nerds, we're back to having our special appointments in an undisclosed secret location. I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, but if anybody official asks, let's say, Joe Dan Breeding. Anyway, you're watching another episode of Your Brain Uncracked where again, if anybody asks, tell them it's called something like Your Do... |
SaturdayNightLive | don_t_buy_stuff_saturday_night_live | I just can't get these numbers to add up. it's like we're never gonna get out of this hole. credit card debt. does it ever end? Maybe I can help. we sure could use it. we've tried debt consolidation companies. we've even taken out loans to help make payments.
Well, you're not the only ones.
Did you know millions of A... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_mega_man_22nd_ish_anniversary | You're watching Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff Rubin, and joining me this week is Alex, and Jeff from Elephant Larry, and Pat Cassels from, I don't know what he does. Let's start this game, man. This week we celebrate Mega Man. Mega Man kind of celebrates himself. Sure.
Can I just ask, what does Hard Man do? Well, he's just ve... |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_at_home_saturday_night_live | Hold your horseshoes, I'm comin'!' I said, hold your hors- who's the fire? I said, I'm comin'!' Hello, I'm, uh, I'm Richard Dugan with, uh. sold! I'll take 10 Dream Boats. let me get my checkbook.
No, no, no, I'm with, uh, I'm with Bell Atlantic. I need to take a look at your phone. so people in the area have reported... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_85_Mack_Horton | We more look at him as a bit of a- He's one so many gold medalists. Mac Horton, you're our second Olympic gold medalist, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me boys.
Now you just said before, you're not very good at sitting still. Is that like common amongst athletes in the village, just in general, like I ... |
SaturdayNightLive | truckstop_teases_saturday_night_live | You know, Charlie, I can hardly wait to see that little girl of mine sashaying right through that front door. I know what you mean, Jake. Becky May and Lizzie May are about the two of the finest little heifers this side of Big Joe's dinosaur Farm. Yep. you know, guys, I kind of hate to admit it, because I don't have a ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_An_Inconvenient_Sequel_Truth_To_Power | It is right to save the future for humanity, it is wrong to pollute this earth and destroy the climate balance, it is right to give hope to the future generation. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be discussing Al Gore's and inconvenient sequel, Truth to Power, a documentary whose dire... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ramaswamy_calls_gop_party_of_losers_ivanka_testifies_in_fraud_trial_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the third Republican Debate was held this week, and Vivek Ramaswamy started by saying that the Gop had become a Party of Losers. weirdly, a Party of Losers was also how Nb... |
SaturdayNightLive | litter_critters_feline_feces_saturday_night_live | Honey, see you in an hour. it's Mom! you kids begged me for it, cat, and now you won't clean up after it. you can relax now, Mom, because litter critters are here. when you hear a scratch, here comes a batch. it's time for Litter Critters. the creativity kit for kids that turns every surprise your cat leaves you into a... |
cracked | why_iron_man_is_objectively_better_than_batman_today_s_topic | Hey, what's a 900 million divided by 18? I'm trying to figure out if The Dark Knight Rises will surpass The Avengers for the third highest grossing film of all time. Use a calculator. Oh. Useless math.
If they were grappling in a sauna, maybe. And even then, if they're allowed to bring their accoutrement. Are you sure... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_street_eats_snl | This is New York. it's a melting pot of over three cultures, and food is its universal language. my name's Rocco. my name's Tabby Cat. and my name is Donald Trump. I know, I know. we moved here for college, and we've been here ever since, except for Covid. today, we're gonna show you our New York, the real New York, on... |
SaturdayNightLive | once_daily_estro_maxx_snl | Let's face it. life is pretty busy, even when you're not working. it seems like millions of other things suddenly come up.
So if you're like me, a busy guy in a pre-op transsexual in his third month of hormone treatment, you need an estrogen supplement that works for your schedule. hey, there they are. You deserve to ... |
cracked | why_the_world_no_longer_needs_james_bond_today_s_topic | I'd rather break this glass and slash my wrists. Okay, fine. I'll get tacos by myself. Sorry I asked when I am.
No, no. Daniel Craig said that about being in another James Bond movie. I guess he hates it. Oh, they must have taken him out of context. So you don't think he realized James Bond as a...
Sexist misogynist ... |
SaturdayNightLive | airplane_song_snl | And I forgot my charger, damn it. headphones, sir. uh, yeah, sure. that'll be $29.99. what? no, never mind, thank you. Alrighty, sir. it's gonna be a long flight. is watching Brad Pitt in an Astronaut. Now I am the man who watches the man who watches the movie Catted Corner. To me, my kingdom is dead. I am rock-dog in ... |
dropout | health_science_is_bullsh_t | I can't believe he's eating that. So disgusting. God, Trapp, don't you ever think about what you're putting into your body? What?
It's an orange. Fruit is basically poison. If you wanna unlock its vitamins and nutrients, you need to drink it as cold pressed juice. Okay. Nevermind, juice is bad for you now. Juice is ba... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_29_11_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM, 96.5. G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Petuta News Bulletin. Sitting alongside me is Wendell Hussey, and this week we're coming to you from down south, from the congestion capital of the country, Sydney. Th... |
TheOnion | Animator_Misses_The_Birth_Of_His_Child_So_Mr_Incredible_Could_Have_Consistently_Sized_Penis_Bulge | I've got to succeed, so she can succeed, so we can succeed. I get it, Bob. I get it. When was the last time you slept? Who keeps track of that?
Hey, I'm Jamie Klein, and I worked as a visual effects artist on Incredibles 2. It's been nearly 14 years since The Incredibles premiered, and we at Pixar are so excited to co... |
CrackerMilk | sent_on_a_magical_quest | Do you want to start it? I don't know how to start it. You can start it.
Get out. But I haven't even fucked it up. Get out.
Nice one. Idiot. Nice one, goob. You dumb dog cunt. Fucking idiot.
I'm just kidding. Stop. Come back in, goob. You can try again. I'll give you one more chance. Come back in. Sit down. Try agai... |
cracked | how_trump_might_be_our_next_president_cracked_responds | So I got the Republican debate queued up here. Do you guys want to you guys want to check it out with me? Oh, no, I Would not thanks for coming to watch this horrible thing with me guys. Yeah It's on Fox News Why is Trump in the middle he earned it he's the he's the center Oh, they have like rules like if you're it's l... |
TheOnion | kathryn_bigelow_stuns_on_red_carpet_wearing_blood_soaked_rags_osama_bin_laden_was_killed_in | It's time for your Oscar's fashion roundup. Lots of hot looks to talk about starting with Zero Dark Thirty director Kathryn Bigelow who stunned on the red carpet showing up in the tattered rags of Osama bin Laden was killed in. Joining me now is Buzz finder style blogger Andy Van Saint. Andy, what did you think of Kath... |
dropout | guess_who_s_57_live | Hello Youth! Thank you for joining us on College Humor.
We are about to play Who's 57? YouTube Mobile Live Edition. Who's 57 is a real game show.
We're doing this for real. There is no script. There is no planning.
It's the game show where you guess who's 57. Let's meet our contestants. We have Cynthia Cowell, Zacho... |
cracked | the_most_hilariously_failed_attempt_to_spice_up_politics | I'm so excited! I'm Batman.
Now speaking, Illinois Representative Joe Walsh. Thank you Mr. Speaker.
President Obama, why aren't you serious about securing the border? Why do you consult with Latino celebrities like Eva LaGoria to get their take on immigration reform? Why do you bring up immigration reform again? Keep... |
SaturdayNightLive | poland_invades_ussr_saturday_night_live | I've just been informed that at 1128 Greenwich Time, the army of Poland swept across the Northern frontier at Ustaka and rolled into Russian soil. Poland has invaded Russia. I repeat, Poland has invaded Russia. at this point, information is trickling in slowly. the situation, obviously unclear, details hazy.
I'm sorry... |
cracked | five_horrifying_secret_rules_of_life_in_a_movie_universe_after_hours | You still do you though. I know the rules. Okay, even in a George Clooney movie, that doesn't make you George Clooney. You mean any more than I already am? It's Clooney. Do we even have to have this argument? It's just a broader version of something we've already talked about. It's simpler, is what it is. For a sociall... |
dropout | breaking_up_with_your_football_team | Thanks for seeing me. You really hurt me last year. You made all these promises. I thought it was our year. And then you butt-fumbled off your own linemen and lost to the Bills? I don't even know why I came back. I think you missed us. Of course I missed you.
The baseball season is so boring.
Yeah. Look, I'm getting ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_on_genre_in_his_films_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | The way you use genre is so interesting to me because you use it as this tool to communicate to audiences. Your themes are so relevant and so up to date. Can you talk to me about using genre as a language to correct very directly to audiences? When you look at stories and the purpose of stories, they have always been t... |
cracked | cracked_live_the_drinking_song_cody_johnston | The last call is coming up soon, I believe, if you guys want to order some drinks. I'm going to play a drinking song for you. And I need your help. It's a participation song.
So I'm going to sing the chorus, which is, We drink, and we drink, and we drink, and you go, and we drink. It's very, very simple. We drink, and... |
dropout | don_t_bother_fixing_your_problems | Oh, hot enough for you? Hey, Braff, is it hot enough for you?
Shut up! Sorry I'm folksy. No, I'm sorry.
It's just this heat, I'm going to sweat the death. Would you please just get an air conditioner? I'd have to lug it home and install it in a window?
No, no, no, no. This is just my life now. That's crazy, you're s... |
cracked | 5_gloriously_stupid_and_real_batman_comics_canonball | Over the decades, Batman has saved Gotham City from stuff like an army of baby-stealing penguins, an evil plan to stop global warming, big bombs, mall bombs, jokers, smokers, midnight gropers, and brain-gasms? But that's just in the movies. The comics are packed with even more heroic deeds by pop culture's most beloved... |
dropout | hammer_j_a_archives | Jake, you know how when a man is sexually aroused, I was just thinking about it, how his penis becomes erect because blood flows into it, the appendage, so... Did you know that if too much blood flows into it, his dick can actually explode?
Yes. I'm kidding. Got you! I want to throw this hammer so that it hits right i... |
dropout | camp_creepy_boy | Okay, son, here we are. Summer camp. Go on, go, go play.
Hey. We got a shy one here? Yeah? Oh, don't worry.
We are super fun here. And I promise I won't stop until this little guy's leaping and laughing like the other kids.
So, kind of top counselor here. It doesn't matter, but yeah. That's great. Thank you so much.... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_josh_ruben | rain in the morning Josh Ruben! You know what else I love?
One of my idols growing up is Robin Williams. He was like a huge idol. He's hairy and short.
Hey! Whoa! Hey! Shit! Whoa!
He's just a bunch of noises to me. And now he's like, he was so manic. You know, as a young comedian, now he's like, he's older and tryin... |
cracked | the_green_inferno_cracked_responds | Dan will you please pull up on your computer green inferno the trailer? I want to show you guys this it's a conservation movie That I think you're really gonna like Beautiful dreamer. That's a trend in movies now. They had that California dreaming trailer in San Andreas where they do that all like dissonant Every day t... |
cracked | why_gandalf_was_the_real_villain_in_the_hobbit_today_s_topic | Who cares if she doesn't like Gandalf? Ask her out again!
Gandalf is- Fictional? True. I guess she has a point. I mean, in the first Hobbit movie, Gandalf's kind of a huge dick. Whole white council is actually. I'm pretty sure that the whole white council is the only thing standing between Sauron and darkness. I think... |
dropout | precious_plum_tow_truck | My name is Plum. I'm six years old and I'm a beauty queen My momma take me around the pad. I have not touched the wheel in a while. She my precious plum Today plums competing for best drifter midriff under the bridge by that big mural of a deck We're here and they're the fuck over there. So we have to drive through the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Domino_Effect_Some_Fast_Tracking_Hoe_kemon_Go_More_July_15 | You're joined by myself Clancy Ovell. I've got Effie Bateman and Wendell Hussey here today to give us the wrap. What's going on you two? Not too much Clancy. Fighting fit, feeling good. Errol Parker not here.
We can reveal why he isn't here because he has been apprehended so it's probably up but he was trying to put a... |
cracked | why_thor_is_the_least_effective_avenger | You know, there's a real dumb superhero weakness Thor, you know Thor the big god from outer space whose hammer is super powerful and whammy And kind of sort of super phallic Well, you don't see that He's always swinging it around and playing with it No, come on Waving his hammer around and everything early on in the co... |
SaturdayNightLive | cheri_oteri_on_women_s_history_saturday_night_live | And now, here to discuss Women's History Month is our very own Sheri Oteri. About Women's History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women have made over the last century.
Okay, Ka? now, over by you, that's gonna represent, like, the Caveman Times, Okay? And ... |
cracked | why_kim_jong_un_is_the_3rd_grade_bully_of_global_politics | Congratulations, Internet. You managed to survive yet another bi-monthly missile crisis from the global community's shitty kid brother, North Korea. And to celebrate our new lease on life, here's some of the jokes we shared in this difficult time.
I wish he was my boyfriend.
Oh, okay, little lowbrow guys. But don't b... |
cracked | why_real_gamers_suck_at_nintendo | Oh hey, what's up man? I bought a Wii U. Why? So you and I can Wii together. I thought you hated video games. Oh, you mean after all the talks we've had and what you told me why they suck? Well, I didn't think you were going to become a real gamer. And honestly, this purchase just confirms it. What are you talking abou... |
dropout | You_re_Getting_an_Office_Paypig | Joe is definitely the cutest. No way! Murr is the best. Ugh. I'm a Q-man myself. The cutest and practical joker is Sal.
But that's not what I came here to say. I have very exciting news.
Sam and I were so impressed with the way you took care of the office guinea pig. We kept him alive and everything. And Teo adopted ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_PR_Trip_A_Young_Lib_Bites_Back_Builder_s_New_Banter_More_April_2 | We hope you are enjoying the beginning of a lengthy Easter long weekend. We're certainly enjoying it out here. We're starting to get some of that Easter chill as we head into winter. I don't mind it myself actually, the campfire burning last night.
What about you, Errol? Well, mate, I actually don't celebrate Easter a... |
dropout | revealing_too_much | Hello, and welcome to the CH podcast. CH stands for College Humor. Wow. If you guys are watching this on the CH2 channel, please stop it, jump on over to dropout.
I am Raphael Chastain. I am Kitty Cat Maravich.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
Okay. Alright. I'm going to catch up to the lower thirds for the thing. Okay. S... |
cracked | surprising_difficulties_of_making_homemade_porn_a_cinemasins_team_up | The goal, to make as many sketches as possible. This is one of them. Feeding. Scene 3, Apple. Take one. Marker.
Uh, you know, man, we're not in college anymore. You don't have to sock the door. Just go to your room and master.
Oh, no, you're dead. You're hard dead.
If you know what the sock means, then knock. That's... |
TheOnion | Boys_Tragic_Death_Could_Have_Happened_To_Any_Family_With_20_Foot_Pet_Python | Stay with us because coming up in a little bit, we're going to have our MoneyWise segment. Oh, for people who are trying to save a few pennies these days, we're going to show you how to guilt your kids into dropping out of college.
But right now, let's return to the story of little Zach Shaw, who last week was tragica... |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Season_2_Trailer | Will the person who lost a nipple climbing a fence Will the pants pisser Caught eating leftovers out of the trash Grew up in a Disney Channel Star's living room Mausoleum hooker-upper Virgin sacrifice-er Arrested in the middle of their English class Trapped in an amusement park in the middle of the night with an escape... |
dropout | cast_of_avengers_2_plays_sock_or_hat_game_show | This is insane. No one is going to talk to us. I feel like the celebrity's eyes will see me doing this and not bother to tell their brain because it's going to be just so inexplicable that it won't matter.
Is this a sock or a hat? That's a hat.
That's right. Okay, good.
Sock or hat? Sock.
It's a hat. That's what I ... |
dropout | cups_with_his_face_on_them_amir_tries_to_be_ampm_s_spokesman_part_2 | Oh, this is insane. So this is the plan. You know how to be a spokesperson? You want to put your face on the product? So what better way to do that than putting my face on the cans? Or in this case, cups.
We were kicked out of this store. Correct. Now you want to come back in the store.
You want to have your face on ... |
cracked | the_oscars_paris_hilton_naps_news_on_cracked_2_25_08 | It's Monday, February 25th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and yes, I lost a bet. Although taking catnaps during the afternoon may not seem like a dangerous endeavor, new research suggests that people who doze during daylight hours are at a greater risk of strokes in later life. In related new... |
dropout | GoFundMe_CEO_We_Could_Use_A_Few_Fun_Ones | Hello America, my name is Dan Spoon and I'm the CEO of GoFundMe, the personal crowdfunding website that gives you the tools you need to achieve your dreams. Honeymoon's, Dream Vacations, the world was your oyster. That vision of the company vanished almost immediately as we instead became an unwilling lynchpin of the A... |
wearethesundayblues | zoella_chat_sandwich_episode_3_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Sure, I can't believe we're already on episode 4. Um, no, I think it's episode 3. Nick, it's episode 4, okay? I'll bet my Jack Russell on it. Welcome to episode 3 of Chat Sandwich.
My name's Nick. I'm Gareth. And I'm Doug, how's it? Doug, what are... |
dropout | hardly_working_mother_s_day | I can't talk right now. Because I'm at work! Bye. I love my mom.
Yeah? How much? Oh, I don't know. That much. Wow, because I love my mom to the moon and back, so when you say that much, it doesn't seem that impressive, does it? Oh, really?
Because my hands weren't cupped in, they were spread out, meaning I have infin... |
cracked | if_alabama_were_a_movie_what_would_it_be_50_states_of_film | Hello and welcome to the 50 states of film I've set out on a journey across America to pick a movie to represent each state And today we're looking at Alabama How do you cook your grits? You like them regular creamy or al dente? Just regular I guess Regular instant grits.
No self-respecting southerner makes instant gr... |
dropout | the_high_school_food_chain | It's time again to dive into the wondrous and thriving ecosystem that exists under our very noses and the many strange and amazing beings that inhabit it. Join us as we enter the High School Food Chain. Today we take a look at a particularly strange breed, odd amongst even the standards of its peers, in this teeming pe... |
TheOnion | Meat_Prices_Skyrocket_After_Cow_Smashing_Machine_Gets_All_Beefed_Up | Buying a burger might start taking a bite out of your wallet. Meat prices skyrocketed this week after the place that makes the meat revealed that the cow-smashing machine is all beefed up. This machine has beef way up in it. The basher, the meat collector, even the main meat, all of it. Lousy with beef. The cow-smashin... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_eddie_murphy_on_a_fan_letter_from_president_reagan_snl | Well here with Newsbreak's commentary is Correspondent Eddie Murphy. Eddie. thank you, Brian.
You know, I was opening up my fan mail this week and much to my surprise I found in a letter from the President of the United States. I couldn't believe it from the one serious it's no joke and I figured it would be really ni... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_raheem_abdul_muhammed_on_blacks_on_tv_snl | And here to tell us all about what's going on in the world of entertainment is television critic Raheem Abdul-muhammad. I don't know why you people clapping cuz I ain't happy about nothing, man. I have a question to ask. how come there ain't no black people on Tv no more? huh? every time we get a good show going, right... |
ClickHole | the_deep_state_is_sending_me_fresh_ingredients_and_easy_recipes_to_turn_dinners_into_gourmet_meals | The Deep State has been sending me fresh, seasonal ingredients and no hassle, easy-to-follow recipes straight to my house, turning my dinners into gourmet meals. These are powerful people, and they are after me. For months now, some Deep State agent has been clandestinely dropping off insulated packages right on my doo... |
Wizards_with_Guns | these_magic_items_couldn_t_possibly_help_you_on_your_quest_ | Welcome back to Hornow's Hole. If you're just now joining us, we still have a plethora of marvelous deals for any of these magical items. Starting with this witch's broom, works like any old broom. You just sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it.... |
SaturdayNightLive | cab_driver_snl | Hey, thanks for the lift man. the cab line at the airport was insane. Yeah. well, Thanksgiving. That's Thanksgiving for it, pal. you know, it's pretty nuts this time of year. you ever been to Dc before? wait, are we in harmony? No, we are. I just wonder if you ever been to Dc? She's a pretty wacky place. got it.
But y... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_154_Ian_Moss | Good mate, cracking day here in the Diamond Town. It's a great day, everything's starting to open up again.
We've defeated coronavirus in Australia, won't see any more of that, it's all done. So long as we can keep the baggage handlers in North Sydney isolated, I think we'll be good.
I refuse to believe it even exist... |
dropout | spank_bank | Hi.
Welcome to Second City's Bank Bank, the world's number one mental depository. How can I help you? Oh, I just want to make some deposits.
Of course. Now, for security reasons, could I have the name and titty size of your first deposit with us? Sure. Jennifer Harrison? Uh, like huge ass titties. I think October 98 ... |
SaturdayNightLive | medieval_barber_theodoric_of_york_snl | In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. the art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. the medieval barbers were the forerunners of today's Men of Medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.
Hello, Theodoric of... |
SaturdayNightLive | jasper_hahn_terrorism_saturday_night_live | As our military involvement in Afghanistan grows, parents are having a difficult time explaining the situation to their children. Here to help the children's cartoonists, Jasper Han. Oh, man, Hello Jimmy. I'm here tonight to explain America's war on terrorism.
Far far away out in the land of the Middle East. There's a... |
cracked | why_every_alien_even_e_t_wants_to_eat_humans | Hey, did you hear?
NASA found a whole bunch of new planets, just a big mess of them hanging out there. Like it wasn't a big deal, like we wouldn't find out. A bunch of big sweaty space rocks, probably teeming with alien life. You'd have to be an alien to be excited about that. I'm not an alien. And the thing I read do... |
CrackerMilk | when_your_landlord_makes_a_surprise_visit | Tamara!
What?
I just got a text. We have a surprise house inspection today. Shit. Um, okay, well I need to clean up.
What we need to do is find a place to hide my hamsters. We'll get kicked out if he sees them. Yeah, okay, um, let's look for somewhere to hide them, okay?
Like my arse. What? We could put them in my ... |
dropout | the_fall_of_dyna_woman_with_rainn_wilson | I wouldn't call Dinah a great female superhero. I'd call her THE greatest superhero in history. Day after day, she put her life on the line for freedom, justice. But then something went wrong. Dinah Woman is a goddess. Literally. She's put in 60, 70 years of service in this country. I mean, she basically ended World Wa... |
SaturdayNightLive | zoe_kravitz_monologue_snl | In the movie, I play Catwoman. sorry, the Catwoman. To prepare for the role, I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year. which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker. So now you're talking about cats? I was just doing my monologue. you're also Catwoman? Yes! I'm Catwoman... |
SaturdayNightLive | scattering_remains_snl | I can't believe he's really gone. he isn't gone, son.
Pop Pop will always live on inside of all of us. that's beautiful. Well said, sir. Well, sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye? yeah. But first, I want to share something with you guys. you know, this spot was where Pop Pop would take me after my ball games. believ... |
dropout | poop_in_front_of_an_audience_for_7500 | ["I'm Not Gonna Give You Up"] Grant hates performance art. So he's gonna have to perform an out there performance art piece in a gallery. And you during this performance have to take a live shit.
Wait, hang on, is this gonna be cut and surrounded? I figured this is only human. He's really upset. He's low-key questioni... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_17_4_20 | Always good mate, always good to talk to you, always good to talk to young Wendell. How are you Wendell? Wendell the news reader? I'm very well thank you another week knocked over and you're certainly right there Errol it's always a pleasure. How are you Clancy? Good mate I'm getting used to all this actually starting ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_157_Isaac_Ice_John | Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live down here in downtown Petuta now Errol has made his way down to Canberra he's trying once again hopefully not in vain to get us inside the Canberra press gallery they've turned us back several times now they don't want us in there they don't want us tearing ... |
cracked | if_star_wars_villains_were_realistic_adventures_in_jedi_school | Good afternoon. Headmaster Evol here with the Midday Announcers, none today, as you were. And now, my young padawanlings, to lunch, let the food flow through you. Hey. Hello. Hi.
Guys, I think Headmaster Evol and Meena's Badzo are Sith. Look up Sith on your thing, Randy.
I don't need to do that. No, don't do it.
No,... |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_cartoon | During my junior year of high school, I'd been seeing this girl named Sadie on and off for like a couple weeks. It was nothing serious, just a whole lot of making out and mashing faces together. It's pretty nice. Well, I had just gotten my license and I wanted to take my girl out for a ride. Unfortunately for me, my pi... |
TheOnion | Overwhelmed_White_Nationalist_Militia_Spread_Too_Thin_Plotting_Attacks_Against_Everyone_Trump_Wants | Confusion and exhaustion. That's the feeling around the country as the American people continue to await the announcement of who will be their next president. And nowhere is that more true than amongst our nation's alt-right militia groups. Hear why overwhelmed white nationalists around the country feel they're being s... |
SaturdayNightLive | pirates_convention_saturday_night_live | Don't settle down! settle down! Ahoy, Mateys! I welcome ye to the 4th Annual National Pirates Convention. I be your moderator, Redbeard Peach. We'd first like to thank the good people of the Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. not our first choice, but there be no vacancy at our favorite hotel, the Ritz-car-r... |
TheOnion | Mice_Nature_s_Disposable_Animals_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_11 | The life of the single mouse is a joke. There are so many mice dying constantly that one death is completely negligible. They are the disposable animal. A mouse is eaten.
It is an event that happens millions of times a day, all over the world.
Other mice are wiped out by disease or starvation. This mouse was killed b... |
SaturdayNightLive | sabra_price_is_right_snl | From 47th Street between Broadway and 6th Avenue, you can't miss it. it's Sabra.
Price is right! All right, so let's go with the game then. here is the host, Uri Shulimsson. All right, All right, all right. cool, cool, cool. Yes, yes, welcome, welcome to Sabra. Price is right. I am Uri.
Okay, so we show you beautiful... |
cracked | is_a_thousand_miles_by_vanessa_carlton_about_dennis | Is Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles about Dennis? This past Sunday marked the 22nd anniversary of the release of A Thousand Miles. Zula Bop. And all these years later, Twitter has been abuzz trying to figure out who the song is about. Specifically, there's a fun little conspiracy theory that it's about It's Always Su... |
cracked | do_you_remember_green_ketchup | Do you remember green ketchup? The year is 2000 and Heinz is on top of the world maintaining control of 50% of the ketchup market but like Icarus, they decide to fly even closer to the sun. An idea for ketchup that comes in different colors and has a nozzle small enough for kids to draw with is developed and released u... |
cracked | the_penultifirst_episode_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with the Pimalta first. This is episode number 40 And we are way overdue to dip into the old mailbag and see what you guys think So I'm gonna get into it here. This first email is from Gern. Gern writes, dude, you've done like a year of this How are you still the new guy at Cracked?
Aren't you... |
cracked | why_superhero_names_are_difficult | I'm thinking of tweaking my superhero name a little bit. It's like changing it. Yeah. Blast Man's not great. Yeah, and I figure I'm not a big enough superhero yet that it's going to be confusing for anyone if I switch. So, from now on, call me White Blast Man.
Nah, I can't do that. Why? Nah. Why?
You kept the Blast M... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_a_nightmare_on_elm_street_movies | Gah! Ah, sh**, I fell asleep! That's why you gotta use name brand now. You're gonna watch all the A Nightmare on Elm Street movies and explain them, bitch. Then I'll let you wake up, bitch. I think I had to watch all the Saw movies in this basement. Yes, that's why I picked it, bitch. I know! I'm just saying! Jeez, sor... |
dropout | weird_al_gets_whiplashed | Hey, how you doin'? Sorry I'm late. Uh, anyway, thanks for meeting me like this.
Gotta get my chops up. I'm a little out of practice. Somebody's got a big concert tour comin' up this year.
Tell me it's not you, Elmer Fudd. Well, no, actually, it is me.
So, anyway, you know, put me through my paces. Don't be afraid t... |
SaturdayNightLive | tbs_march_madness_cold_open_snl | March Madness post-game coverage. Ernie Johnson alongside Kenny the Jett Smith. K-k-k-kenny, I'm the Jett. just trying something, I'm sorry. Thanks, Kenny. now we owe Elton John $10,000. that's great. Also, here's Charles Barkley. Ernie, you know what? I'm just gonna admit it. I am not an expert on college basketball. ... |
cracked | the_steve_buscemi_method_of_acting | Roll it tail sleep and action Okay, Steve It's just you and me. All right, let everything else just fade away Okay, now look over your shoulder Good Now keep looking there but what I want you to do I want you to just Bug your eyes out. Okay way out like good like a Stress toy. Oh Oh Yeah, nailed it. Yes. You like the L... |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_saddam_and_monica_have_a_three_way_call_snl | Chill out, you got Saddam. Saddam, it's me, Bill Clinton. Bill, come on. I'm eating breakfast. I made the deal. I'm letting the inspectors back in. now lay off. Well, that's what I'm calling you about. You see, I was thinking, maybe you could not let the inspectors in. what do you think? come on. have you been drinking... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_molly_shannon_2k23_snl | Are you guys ready to talk ideas? Molly! hey, Molly. come on in. we're just playing some video games. Nice, dude. come on. do you want to know the truth? Wait, what game is this? it's your game, Molly Shannon 2k23. it's really fun. you play as Molly Shannon, balancing your career as an actor with raising a family. we'r... |
SaturdayNightLive | g_e_d_triumph_saturday_night_live | Well, it's May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their Ged. that's not a joke there. here with his own personal story of triumph on the general equivalency diploma is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez. Tha... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.