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dropout | an_interview_with_nick_kroll | Nick, how are you doing today? I'm good. Thanks for having me. People have seen you before in dramas. You did a lot of soap operas, but now you're bridging the gap to comedy. How's that feel? No, I have actually never done any soap operas. I mean, I did. Look, I'm going to be honest. Some of these I didn't cross-check ... |
dropout | dinosaur_office | Dinosaur office, RAWR! Hey Craig, how was your weekend? I was going to plant azaleas, but the soil was too damp. I went to the hardware store instead, just to browse. I'm surprised you had that much free time.
I was here all weekend finishing my quarterly report. Oh no, the quarterly report.
I totally blanked. Terry ... |
CrackerMilk | we_re_being_censored_ | Oh hey, do you want to go out for dinner tonight? I found this local pizza restaurant that has the best cheese from this French region from under. From under? Yeah, from under these nuts!
fuck you Connor. What the fuck? I'm just fucking trying to call your c*** head fucking shit mouth curly fucking c***. Uh, go fuck y... |
cracked | stand_up_comedy_pro_tips_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a comedy I am in an actual stand-up comedy green room because I am about to do Adam Todd Brown's unpopular opinion stand-up comedy show But stand-up doesn't happen in comedy green rooms. It happens on these hard streets So here's all the stand-up advice you'll ever need to make it online o... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Tony_Armstrong_2x_Logie_Award_Winning_Presenter_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | This is The Last Video Store, a sacred bastion of culture, film, movies, and cinema. My name is Alexi Choleopoulos and I am the guardian of this sacred realm. And it is my duty to connect people with the films they love. Our new member of The Last Video Store signing up today is a true Renaissance man, Tony Armstrong.
... |
dropout | buy_food_ethically_unless_it_s_too_hard | I care about the environment, about hunger, about food. One third of all food produced worldwide is wasted. And we needlessly pollute by shipping perishables all over the world. That's why I believe in buying seasonal, local, whole foods.
Unless it's inconvenient. I always buy produce from my local farmer's market, un... |
TheOnion | How_Do_Archers_Resist_Firing_Arrows_At_Everyone_In_The_Spectator_Gallery | Archery Archery is all about form, focus, and technique. Competitors stand over 200 feet away from the target, aiming for a bullseye no more than five inches in diameter. To stay on target, archers must resist the natural impulse to turn around and fire arrows at everyone in the spectator gallery.
But how do they do i... |
cracked | the_friends_theme_song_briefly_broke_up_the_band_who_recorded_it | is arguably the most recognizable opening tune in the history of television. But the band behind the hit has a complicated relationship with the friends theme that proved to be their biggest break. It all happened wildly fast, wild began. Our manager said a new sitcom was looking for a theme song and Kevin Bright, the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | old_friends_snl | Oh My. God.
My mom has not changed this room since I left for college. Who's this? Oh, that's Keith. He was my best friend growing up. He lived a few doors down. Man, I haven't seen Keith in like 15 years. Well, you should reach out. it's always nice to hear from an old friend at Christmas. Hey Keith, it's Jake. It's ... |
TheOnion | Hungry_FDA_Official_Orders_Massive_Pot_Pie_Recall | Good afternoon. For those of you who weren't at the morning briefing, let me get everyone up to speed on where we're at.
As of 2 o'clock Eastern Time today, the United States Food and Drug Administration issued a Class 1 product recall of all pot pies sold within the last five days. We have reason to believe that thes... |
dropout | hallie_part_3_j_a_archives | How was your date? You tell me. I can't. You tell me. Well I'm wearing this. Aren't I? Huh? Is that what you wore last night? What's that? Is that what you wore last night? Let's just say no. Okay, I'm just going to ask Kelly. Sup? Hey. Listen, if you're doing this to get back at me...
Disney working!
So. Come here, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_o_j_simpson_on_will_smith_s_oscars_slap_snl | Last week's altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Oscars seemed to have divided Hollywood, with many celebrities publicly taking sides. here. The comment is and he wrote his own intro: Heisman Trophy winner and star of Naked Gun.
Oj Simpson. It's a nail world. Wow, it's always good to hear applause for ... |
dropout | this_girl_s_boyfriend_has_a_rattail | We're here! Hi everybody, nice to meet you Kyle. Oh man, this looks great. John Nora Paul Kate. Great, great to meet you guys. Grab a little of that for me now. Thank you. Love me wine. It's great to meet you guys. I've heard so much about you guys. It's nuts. Like, finally. Here we are.
God, this looks great. It smel... |
dropout | we_hope_this_planet_doesn_t_offend_italians | We're here! Oh thank god everyone shut up.
Stromboli 5, Home to the Italian peoples. Are you trying to say Italian? No, that is not a thing. I think here, a different thing. Are the Italian people of a stromboli fighter.
Brrr.
But, what? Look, focus up. Somewhere on this planet is the stolen escape pod, the wayfinde... |
TheOnion | Open_Relationship_Gives_Couple_Freedom_To_Emotionally_Drain_Other_People_From_Time_To_Time | Allison Fry and Peter Hartman are a long-term couple who recently began experimenting with a new approach to spicing up their relationship. Saying that it's proven to be surprisingly effective, the couple told reporters today that for the last several months, they've been trying out an open relationship that frees them... |
dropout | john_mulaney_cures_for_hangovers | A taxi.
Today I'm here, because I want to get from you, the main man, some tips to cure hangovers. There are no cures for hangovers. All right, let's run down the list of hangover cures. There are no cures for hangovers.
Is it true, the hair of the dog that bitches the way to go, have another drink? We're having a gr... |
cracked | test_audiences_keep_dramatically_changing_movies_yboc_snakes_on_a_plane_rudolph | Hey there nerds, I've got the results from our latest focus sessions right here, and I'm Dr. Jordan Brady, and I'll be walking through a few of these answers if that's okay with you. Whatever. Okay, great. Well, welcome to another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show rigorously reviewed by test audiences and the on... |
SaturdayNightLive | snake_eyes_snl | Barkeep! One whiskey!
Don't think I've seen you around before. what brings you through? none of your business. pour the drink and move along. Hey, I don't want any trouble. Now, I wouldn't mind shooting the breeze with you, Little Miss Brown-eyes. quit looking at my eyes and reading my lips. not interested. Oh, come o... |
TheOnion | Target_Now_Offering_Snipers_To_Take_Out_Other_Shoppers_For_Black_Friday | This Black Friday, Target will finally allow customers to hire snipers to take out other shoppers. Target has confirmed the store has already hired hundreds of part-time seasonal snipers customers can use to pick off anyone who comes within 10 feet of the TV or Apple watch on their holiday shopping list. CEO Brian Corn... |
TheOnion | Couple_Making_Out_At_Bus_Stop_Like_It_s_Fucking_Paris | According to locals waiting for a 66 bus in downtown Chicago last night, a young couple was making out in the passenger shelter like they were in fucking Paris or something. Onlookers spoke to reporters about the pair, who carried on their passionate embrace for over 20 minutes as if they were in some sort of goddamn c... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_boombox_saturday_night_live | Imagine in your mind a posh country club, the stuffy old money where the poor get stubbed, the spread is bland, sauerkraut and foil goose. There's no way these people will ever cut loose. But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high and what happened next will blow your mind. Everything got out of control. The mus... |
SaturdayNightLive | rita_s_new_car_saturday_night_live | Yeah, I'll say fall is finally here. Hada. yeah, I'll tell you I give my right arm for a Mexican with a leaf blower.
You too? Yeah. one second. one second. Okay kids, listen up cuz I'm gonna say this once and once. Only the first one of you who jump in my pile of leaves, all right, will be raking up their teeth. You m... |
TheOnion | Can_The_Browns_Still_Rely_On_Josh_Gordon_For_Quality_Weed | The big news this week is that Josh Gordon has been reinstated by the NFL. But after this many years, how much can the Browns rely on Gordon for quality wheat? There's no doubt Gordon used to be one of the best hookups in the league. The Browns knew he was good for at least a half ounce every week. And it was good stuf... |
cracked | why_beauty_and_the_beast_is_darker_than_you_remember_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Disney's Beauty and the Beast is about a selfish prince who is cursed when he refuses an old beggar woman who asked for lodging in exchange for a single rose. The beggar woman reveals herself to be a powerful enchantress who puts a spell on the prince and everyone in his employ. All of his staff members become househol... |
dropout | drinking_soda_contest_feat_ben_schwartz | I'm home.
Oh god. What just happened? No. Oh god. When George burns. I know. What just happened? Robert De Niro.
Very nice. I know it's nice.
You trying to float that part of my fucking face? What? You think you can drink more soda than me? I know I think I can drink more soda than you. Really?
You gonna make a bet... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_jerry_seinfeld_chloe_fineman_and_marcello_hernandez_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, it's the first show of Spring, so we'll start tonight with puppy murder.
In a new book, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem revealed that she once shot a dog that w... |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_Holy_Shit_Man_Walks_On_Fucking_Moon | From the creation of a Bible in 1912 by a struggling Baltimore book salesman, to the day in 1493 when Christopher Columbus and his crew looked back on their voyage and realized what they truly discovered was themselves, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On July 17, 1980, Ronald Reagan accepted the nominatio... |
cracked | bitcoin_rap_ms_werd_and_cracked_at_sxsw | Hi, you two and we are in wonderful Austin, Texas at South by Southwest.
This is the Giant lovely house that cracks is decided to put us up in in which cracks is decided to put us up and they are not cursing a Rap that Michael wrote about bitcoins that we're going to perform tomorrow at the interactive Awards So you'r... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_frozen_embryo_from_alabama_snl | This week, the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that a frozen embryo created through in vitro fertilization is a human being. here to comment is: a frozen embryo from Alabama. Wow. Your accent's kind of all over the place, man. yeah, I don't really talk like that. I'm from Ivf so the only conversations I've had are with a f... |
dropout | every_week_on_entourage | Previously, on Entourage Yo, Vince can't do the movie cause his mom just got shot. What the hell? Hey, sorry bro. Wait a minute.
That's my mom too. Great news guys. Scientists found a way to bring Vince's mom back from the dead. That's great.
Now Vince, can you do the movie? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby ... |
dropout | the_sexy_coupon_book_hot_date | Happy Valentine's Day. I made this for you. A romantic coupon book. This is fun. Good for one cuddle session. Cute. Free, sloppy make-out. Very nice.
Three dollars off any large two-topping pizza from Domino's. Will this actually work at a Domino's? No. It's a love coupon, silly. So how it works is you buy a large two... |
cracked | james_comey_vs_president_donald_trump_bill_maher_vs_the_decency_more_some_news | Hi, here's some news. President Trump announced in his speech what seems like eight months ago that he's pulling out of the Paris Accord, making a real mess on the planet's inner thigh. Nope, too graphic. I mean, Earth is f***ed and covered in f***ing, nope!
President Trump wants to remove the United States from the P... |
dropout | when_coming_out_goes_better_than_you_thought | What about vests? Yeah, what about vests? That's a very good question. Because it seems like they occupy some weird...
Hi. Oh, hi, Grant. Hello, everyone. Hey, are you okay?
You seem a little upset. Well, I have something to tell you. What is it? It's... God, this is hard. Um, I'm just gonna say it. And you can read ... |
cracked | the_urinal_fly_helped_an_economist_win_a_nobel_prize | The urinal fly helped an economist win a 2017 Nobel Prize. In the early 90s, a janitor sought a solution to spillage in and around the wet and wild men's room stalls of Amsterdam's Schipol Airport. Drawing inspiration from a method used by the Dutch army, the airport etched small photorealistic targets into the porcela... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tamara_parks_on_p_g_a_d_snl | Glamour Magazine recently profiled a group of women who suffer from a rare condition called Pgad, or persistent genital arousal Disorder, an actual condition in which women experience numerous unwanted orgasms through the course of the day. here to talk about it is recovering Pgad sufferer Tamara Parks. Hi, Tamara. hi.... |
SaturdayNightLive | classroom_snl | Turn that music off and sit in your seats. my name is Miss Fink and I will be your substitute teacher today. Now, I don't know what your regular teacher does during this class, but I am here to instruct and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you.
Now, I don't care what you... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_rachel_maddow_show_john_boehner_nancy_pelosi_and_charles_rangel_snl | Joining us today, new Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner. thank you for pronouncing it right. you can imagine people have a lot of fun with it. Current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Hello, Rachel. Hello, Boehner.
John Boehner, we start with you. your party claims it wants to lower the deficit, but won... |
CrackerMilk | making_eye_contact_with_the_local_junkie | I don't need a rolly, I got the legs, put it down, her name was Blex. I met her in the crib one night, she made me scared, gave me such a fright, scooby-doo.
What, you looking at us? Who do you think you are? Yeah, I'm there. Well, you got a high problem staring at us like that or some shits?
Yeah. Got a dollar on ya... |
ClickHole | watch_this_man_s_face_when_he_sees_what_he_would_look_like_as_a_tiny_little_man | Things have been so hard for Bobby. For something like this to be possible for him would be amazing. Bobby's been normal and big his whole life. He deserves better. My name's Bobby Clemens.
I'm 56 years old. I'm a carpenter. No, I never had a chance to see myself as a tiny man. Yeah, it'd be nice, you know, but I'm no... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Damage_Control_A_Big_Betrayal_Gladys_Fronts_ICAC_More_October_29 | I'm joined by Errol Parker. Hello Errol. Hello mate, how you going? Yeah, not bad mate. Tell you what, this fucking sun's got a bit of bite. It's starting to heat up, yeah. That's Wendell, you just heard from the corner. How are you going young fella? Yeah, pretty good, pretty good.
End of another week. Threw my back ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Big_Plan_Former_PM_Passes_Away_Bill_Gates_Loses_It_All_More_May_14 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah weekly bulletin recording live down here in the old city district downtown Batutah you're joined of course by myself Clancy Overall editor at large Errol Parker and the Diamantina's favourite news reader Wendel... |
cracked | donald_trump_s_presidential_announcement_cracked_responds | Donald Trump is running for president. Yeah again. I know and and this is a section of a speech He made announcing his run for president and it's got some controversy the u.s Has become a dumping ground For everybody else's problems is it cuz there are two American flags instead of just one he's more American Than you ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_91_Benjamin_Law | It's just Clancy Overall here this week. As we said earlier, Errol Parker is currently chasing a story in Berlin, the Bahnhof region of Berlin, famous for the nightclub the Berghain, which it's about six in the morning over there right now and I dare say he's getting ready to go out and he reckons he's going to get in.... |
cracked | another_f_cking_transformers_movie_cracked_responds | So you guys want to watch Transformers 5, the last night? Yeah, let's do it. The movie no one asked for, but we got it anyway. Oh.
Without sacrifice. And Nazis. They're really throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, this one's got everything. Nazis, dragons, robots, I don't know what you wan... |
dropout | grant_and_katie_are_starting_their_own_company_hardly_working | I'm back! I'm pissed off! Nobody here respects me! Me neither!
It's time to finally do something about it. Yes! I'll help. What are we going to do? Start our own company. Yeah! That'll show off. Yeah! What should our new company do? It's got to be something really different than that fucking shithole college humor.
M... |
TheOnion | Silicon_Valley_CEO_Explains_How_The_Future_Of_Tech_Is_Him_Being_Wealthy_And_Having_A_Blast | Working in the tech industry, it's hard not to be excited about the future. Virtual reality, clean energy, AI, even space exploration. Our field is going to transform the world and actually make people's lives better. I really do think the future of tech will be about one thing, me becoming fabulously wealthy and havin... |
cracked | 4_early_drafts_of_justice_league_characters_too_wild_for_zack_snyder_canonball | The history of the Justice League is almost as long as the Snyder Cut's runtime. If it's swordplay you want, it's swordplay you'll get. The famous super team has battled everything from child-murdering Amazonians, to ill-advised 90s art choices, to the existential crisis that is literally becoming apes. But that all ca... |
dropout | full_benefits_the_kiss | Alright, I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Wait, don't you wanna know who the killer is? I've seen this episode before. You have? Tell me who it is.
Wait, don't tell me. Tell me. Tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. I don't wanna know. He doesn't wanna know.
Who is it?
Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.... |
TheOnion | Economy_Collapses_After_10_Year_Old_Boy_Spends_Entire_U_S_GDP_On_Fortnite_Skins | The U.S. economy has collapsed after this 10-year-old boy spent the nation's entire GDP on Fortnite skins. Last night, the fifth-grade boy reportedly logged onto his PS4 and spent the entirety of the Treasury's $23 trillion buying Skulltrooper, Spider Knight, and Banana Skins. According to Treasury Secretary Jerome Pow... |
cracked | douchebags_douchebags_douchebags_3_7_08 | It's Friday, March 7th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I ain't afraid of no ghosts. Well, maybe a little.
A California construction worker continues to recover, after suffering 500 bee stings to his neck and face after his equipment unearthed the hive. The man is said to be feeling a litt... |
dropout | Who_Insulted_Someone_So_Badly_That_They_Quit_On_the_Spot | Who insulted someone so badly that he quit on the spot? Oh, oh my God. Who of you is the meanest and most cutting? You. Honestly, this group, you're the meanest. Quit on the spot. All right, I would never ever say anything mean to anyone at work.
Me neither.
Behind their back for sure. Absolutely. I wouldn't have acc... |
dropout | million_dollar_babies | Boxing ain't about punching your opponent in the face. It's about punching him in the soul, making his dreams bleed. But more than anything... It's about being a man.
I wanna get back in the ring. I'm training kids, especially past hip rhyme. Do this for me. Watch, damn it! You got balls in there! I'm jumping a drive ... |
dropout | america_s_saddest_home_videos | Welcome back to America's Saddest Home Videos. If you're just tuning in, we're in the middle of some of the most tragic footage we've ever aired. Take a look. Hey! Grandpa! Why don't you stop daydreaming about the retirement you never had and go scrub down the deep fryer. Now! I'm sorry I showed you that. And now you'r... |
cracked | james_cameron_s_lifelong_battle_with_water_titanic_the_abyss | Hey everyone, this is Adam Ganser, along with my buddy, Abe Epperson, and we are full-time directors for crack.com. This show is going to be called Director Peace Theater, in which we discuss famous filmmakers and some of the quirks that make them unique. They wanted us to do more work, so they gave us a show, so that'... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sen_tim_scott_on_why_he_s_endorsing_donald_trump_snl | Last night at a rally in New Hampshire, South Carolina, Senator Tim Scott surprised many political experts by endorsing Donald Trump. here to explain his endorsement is Senator Tim Scott. nice to be here, Michael, and great to endorse the next President of these United States, Donald J. Trump. Wow, you have a very uniq... |
SaturdayNightLive | andy_rooney_book_review_saturday_night_live | And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. Do you ever notice how books aren't as good as they used to be? Here are the books I enjoyed as a lad. Ulysses, Brothers Karamazov, Remembrance of Things Past, for you intellectuals, that's a la Racheterich, d'aton per du, or something like that. But nowadays, what are people re... |
cracked | when_euphemisms_just_make_things_worse | Have you seen the social network? Because I did. And I've got an idea. Is it a social network?
Will you please just let me so you saw it. Yeah, I saw it.
Sorkin.
I don't know what that means. Samantha, did you see it? I torrented it. I don't know what that means.
Shut up! Samantha, did you see it?
I'm sorry. Can w... |
TheOnion | Latest_GOP_Debate_Concludes_With_Candidates_Wrestling_Squealing_Pig_To_Ground_And_Slaughtering_It | The latest GOP debate concludes with the candidates wrestling a squealing pig to the ground and slaughtering it. Brendan Fraser signs on to star in a new pre-movie trivia question, and a snooze button is smacked like it delivers morphine. Welcome to the pandering afterthought that is this edition of the Onion Week in R... |
SaturdayNightLive | blind_date_with_high_five_saturday_night_live | Katherine, I have a really good feeling about you and Robert. Yes. really? yeah. ho, ho, ho, ho, Johnny My man! good job! And the lovely Anita and someone there. And you must be Katherine. Oh my goodness, now this is a class act for crying out loud.
Up high, take it up high there. it's really nice to meet you, Robert.... |
cracked | vin_diesel_never_wanted_to_be_groot_quorators_podcast | So everyone has written in and said that we have a compute confusing name for our show and they don't know like what the word means Up to ten years ago scholars were asking They were asking if it's correlation so it says yes, yes I think the curation aspect could use more emphasis since some are not getting it. All rig... |
cracked | the_7_most_unintentionally_hilarious_movie_deaths_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello, Internet! My name is J.L. O'Brien, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, a show about things that my brain shouts at me while I'm trying to be an adult. Today, we're going to be talking about...
Death in movies, or really any medium, is something that is generally supposed to be take... |
cracked | living_in_a_sitcom_would_be_hell_yboc_big_bang_theory_friends | Did somebody call for a doctor? So yeah, anyway, it's Dr. Short and Breeding here with another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the show where every episode is a bottle episode and the only show uncracked with its own killer catchphrase.
Today I di- NOOOOOOO The whole point of sitcoms is they're harmless. They allow m... |
SaturdayNightLive | monkeys_throwing_poop_at_celebrities_saturday_night_live | Now it's time for monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. Monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. And now, here's your host, Peter Talbank. welcome to Monkeys Throwing poop at Celebrities, The show where celebrities get monkey poop thrown at them.
I'm Peter Talbank, And of course, joi... |
SaturdayNightLive | two_wild_crazy_guys_computer_dates_snl | Oh, Jurgen, my brother, there will certainly be a lot of swinging in our bachelor 5 tonight. hold it. let's catch some rays. you and what army? forget about it. Ah, that Fox Bar was really something tonight. it was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal. And here's a thing I will ... |
dropout | dating_a_bad_boy_heartbreaker | It's not really a dry spell because I'm like having sex, it's just bad sex, it's like three pumps, no foreplay. Anyways, I booty text to this guy and he's kind of annoying but he's super hot so fingers crossed. Basically I haven't had an orgasm since 2014 and I really need that to change.
That's a really long answer t... |
dropout | anime_guy_on_a_date | Hey, before we go inside, there's something that I need to tell you. I'm part anime. What? It's not a big deal. Basically, both of my parents were Japanese cartoon characters. So, you know, it's a part of who I am. Yeah, I mean, sure.
Okay, I'm just gonna get the keys. Sorry, it's the silver one with the ridges.
I'm ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Texas_Chain_Saw_Massacre | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at the 1974 classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a tightly-paced whodunit about a group of friends who stumble into the clutches of a family of cannibals, and everyone's a suspect. Despite a cast of virtual unknowns, the film endures as one... |
cracked | most_embarassing_discovery_ever | What a day a partner. I'll say I'll admit it when those Iranian gorillas had you naked chained naked to a pipe Tiny dingus quivering in fear and it was up to me to save you and edit a video of a farting squirrel by three o'clock I didn't know if I could do it, but then I did I shot everyone and you cried remember that ... |
cracked | spirit_halloween_explained | Halloween is over, which means Spirit Halloween is going to disappear for another 10 months. But where does it come from and where does it go? Where does it come from? Spirit Halloween Joe. Spirit Halloween's business model is built off the backs of giant bankrupt retailers who leave these empty spaces from 5,000 to 50... |
SaturdayNightLive | some_big_shot_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I'm Ben Makowitz. we're in the middle of the 1952 drama Whistle if you Can, starring Preston Webb as a wealthy businessman and Myrna Fontaine as the hooker with the heart of gold. let's watch.
Ooh, this is some place. you must be some kind of big shot. Nice, huh? Never been in th... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_marcello_hernandez_kenan_thompson_and_kristen_wiig_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, yesterday, everyone in New York pretended they felt an earthquake. Just admit it, you thought it was wind. this earthquake was actually the best possible d... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_25_04_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. And welcome to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin for the week that was the last week of April, halfway through the 10-day weekend that most government employees are taking.
I'm Clancy O'Farrell and joined with me is Errol Parker. Hell... |
dropout | hardly_working_robot_girlfriend | Hey I want you guys to meet my new girlfriend at Shannon Shannon. This is the guys Wow Shannon. That's Nordic, right? Yes, I thought so You know my sister's name Shannon. She's hot.
Thank you. Whoa.
He's in my new girlfriend guys Sorry, man. It's like too good to be true. Hey, tell us the truth. You're a robot, aren'... |
dropout | maybe_this_stupid_thing_will_fix_my_life | This is it guys. This is my year. This is the year I finally become more organized and less anxious. Good for you. I think my goal for the year is to stop letting people in or out.
I've got a whole system. And it all starts right here. I write everything down in this journal. Everything that might be clogging up the o... |
ClickHole | man_locks_himself_in_hot_car_to_prove_that_babies_and_dogs_are_cowards | what's up everybody mike b here so there's been a lot of stories recently about babies being left for hours in hot cars so i decided that i'm gonna lock myself in my own hot car just to show everyone out there that babies are weak little cowards who can't do something as simple as sitting in a hot car all right let's d... |
TheOnion | Phantom_Thread_Producer_Points_Out_All_The_Times_Daniel_Day_Lewis_Fucks_Up_At_Acting | Hello, I'm Elise Barnett, and I'm one of the producers of Phantom Thread. In this scene, we witness an argument between Daniel, who plays dressmaker Reynolds Woodcock, and his love interest, Alma, played by the marvelous Vicki Cripps. And right away, Daniel Day-Lewis fucks up the whole thing with his bad acting. We sta... |
dropout | dating_tips_from_couples_ch_shorts | I'm Kelsey. And I'm Jazz.
And we're your married friends giving you dating advice. We've been married for a decade. So we've amassed a ton of wisdom about love.
And we're here to help? Our first lost soul today is my gal, Palia. Hey girl, what's up?
Hey guys, my boyfriend is bad at telling me how he feels and I don'... |
cracked | we_remade_avatar_2_for_20 | I am such a foolish, knobby dad. Half of my children! Why do you come here? If you live here, you have to run.
I'll cast. That's all they see. I see him.
Come at me, bro! Already here, bro! Bro!
You know how much this bad little fence is on the urban market? About 80... Million? Yeah, dollars. I cannot bring you a w... |
cracked | 6_myths_you_probably_believe_about_the_american_revolution_today_s_topic | Man, I want to meet the screenwriter of America. You mean the book writer of America the Book? Or the founder of America the Country? Or the lead singer of America the Band?
Because... None of those. Let me finish! John Stewart, Lee Farrickson, and Jerry Beckley. I know so much stuff about things. Then, tell me. Who i... |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Arm_Wrestle_Me_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the only news program where we don't know what we're about to say. And we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'... |
dropout | hardly_working_skyrim | Hey Pat, what are you playing? I'm starting Skyrim. Oh, cool! How far are you? I'm at the character creation screen. Awesome. It's supposed to be really advanced in this game.
Yeah, I've heard. Oh yeah.
Nord. Nice. Tough manly. Cool. Okay. Guy or girl? Oh, let's go with Guy. Cool, let's play. Well, we can't because I... |
cracked | cracked_for_kids_if_educational_kids_shows_were_honest | Cracked for Kids Cracked for Kids Hi again, welcome back to Cracked for Kids Today we're going to read the letters you sent in asking about some cool jobs and get to meet the awesome people that do them Let's go to the mail room Alright Our first letter is from Amy who writes Dear Katie, my dad's a lawyer Should I be o... |
dropout | mating_isn_t_like_dating | Hi there, it's me, Jake Young, back again on What the Facts, our extended look into the topics covered on WTF 101. This time around, we're looking at the horrifying nightmarish world of sex in the animal kingdom, where love and war can sometimes be the same thing. Luckily, we have an expert on hand on the line to help ... |
SaturdayNightLive | hooters_waitress_snl | Okay, let's see what I made in tips today. 40, 41, 42 bucks, not bad. Damn, I made 39, so close. Well, it looks like I'm the tip queen tonight. How about you, new girl? Oh, let me see. yeah, how much tips did you make? Uh, 31, 32, uh, 36,000 dollars.
Jesus. what? is that low? I wouldn't say low. yeah, that's pretty go... |
cracked | 6_insane_foreign_remakes_of_famous_american_blockbusters | Hello, the internet, and welcome to The Spit Take. I'm Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you know when great American directors see a perfect foreign-language film and are filled with the urge to spend millions of dollars destroying everything that's beautiful about it? Well, it turns out that's act... |
SaturdayNightLive | surprise_party_discoveries_saturday_night_live | Hello? I'm sorry. no, I'm walking out the door. I'll be there in five minutes. Ok, bye. are you sure he's gone? Yeah, yeah, the place is empty. and Trisha's going to keep him occupied for like a half hour. Hey, what do you want us to do with these? Ok, I'm going to do the decorations. you do the snacks or something. I'... |
TheOnion | Survivors_Of_Gas_Station_Explosion_Mourn_Tragic_Loss_Of_Gas | Joining news out of White Plains, New York today, a deadly explosion at a crowded gas station has destroyed at least 800 gallons of gasoline. Investigators believe a spark from a minivan's muffler ignited a pool of gasoline, setting off the chain reaction that detonated the station's underground gas tanks. For more on ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Lane_Pittman | Quite a fitting ode really. Yeah it is, yeah. This was his semi-final you could argue. Two similar moments last Wednesday I noticed, everyone's saying we need to take this seriously, capitalise on the rise of women's soccer in Australia. We need to take this seriously. At the same time we're saying the same thing about... |
dropout | hardly_working_overgrown_guy_girlfriend_2 | It's the overgrown guy girlfriend. Oh, look like a whale.
No ice cream.
I Ate it all cuz it was mine. Well, I bought it. Yeah, you bought it for me Why are you being so cheap and Jewey about this?
I really don't like it when you talk like that. What? Call you cheap? Yes, and make fun of my religion. What religion? I... |
SaturdayNightLive | submarine_launch_snl | Thank you, Mr. Dobbs, at ease. little fish. there's trouble out there in the water, so they turned to us. but we're not going out there with our pants down. No, sir. Uncle Sam gave us first-class tickets on a $5 billion nuclear submarine. isn't that right? Yes, sir. And this lethal Ohio-class killing machine has been e... |
dropout | little_shop_of_hey_now | Hey now, I'm Grant O'Brien, your host of the College Humor Podcast. And I've decided I'm going to steal Howard Stern's whole thing all day long. That's going to be my vibe today. Thank you all so much for watching us here on Dropout, where you can catch this early or if you're a cheapskate on CH2. You freeloaders are r... |
SaturdayNightLive | college_presidents_cold_open_snl | You're watching C-span. later, is Taylor Swift now dating Marco Rubio? But first, testimony from three university presidents on the subject of antisemitism on college campuses. Honor, please, thank you. we're joined today by the heads of three of our most esteemed universities, the President of Mit, Sally Kornbluth. I'... |
ClickHole | learn_to_play_the_way_you_feel_when_your_daughter_says_she_hates_you_on_guitar | Hey guys, I'm back with another Rick Plays Guitar lesson. Today we'll be learning how to play what you feel when your daughter says she hates you. So like we learned a few lessons back, let's form an A minor chord. A minor will really accentuate the fact that your daughter, the thing that you love most in the entire wo... |
cracked | why_gandalf_is_the_most_overrated_wizard_ever_today_s_topic | So I know I asked you out before, and I know you said no before. We both know that, so there's no need to review it.
Talk like a big boy.
Do you want to see the Hobbit? The Hobbit?
As in Back in the Habit? As in Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit?
Or that old magician guy. F*** that guy. Half Gandalf?
He's like the co... |
dropout | philip_seymour_hoff_men | So what did you do with the body? Please relax. You sound like my dad.
Hey! Hey, guys. Hey, Philip.
Wow, what are you doing? Just playing a new video game, man. Oh, cool. Hey, Jake, can I show you something real quick? Yeah, in a second, though. I'm kind of busy. It's kind of important if you want. It just takes to b... |
TheOnion | Man_Didn_t_Expect_Sex_With_Prostitute_Would_Be_So_Emotionally_Fulfilling | Shortly after having sexual intercourse with a prostitute earlier this afternoon, local man Jacob Reynolds told reporters that he never expected the experience would bring him to new heights of emotional and spiritual fulfillment. Yeah, I had no idea I'd feel so great. I mean, I was convinced that having sex with a com... |
dropout | the_truth_about_hymens_and_sex_adam_ruins_everything | What's a hymen? Okay, it's a bit of girl that covers the vaginal area until she has sex. Yes, a freshness seal. Do not consume if open. Sorry. Yeah, that's what a lot of people think. People picture the hymen like it's one of those paper banners at a sports game. They think it covers up a lady's vagina, and then when s... |
cracked | 6_30_rock_jokes_in_60_seconds | Hey Liz, how's the telescope? I don't know Kelsey, how's your mom's pill addiction?
I have the strip club story from this week and I need to tell you Jackie D, it is disgusting. But I can't because I got this little d-bag here. I know what that means. And yet you won't tell me. New York is overrated. Three bucks, two ... |
cracked | how_taylor_swift_and_kanye_are_playing_you_cracked_responds | Hey, Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, Battle of the Week or something. Week. Oh, it's drama.
It's amazing. Oh, it's amazing.
Famous comes out. Yeah, Kanye's song Famous on Life of Pablo. It turns out there is a line in there about T Swift where he says he made her famous and that he could possibly still slee... |
cracked | sexism_and_lightsaber_safety_adventures_in_jedi_school | Needless to say, the entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance. The third year is block. The fourth year is on the fifth year, 22 years.
Welcome to Temple Academy. You will each be in charge of your own practice handle until you receive your real lightsaber at year 18. The rest of the trai... |
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