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TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_45_john_hopoate | Yes hello, thank you for joining us for another week and yet another interview with an iconic Australian. He's a figure in the sporting arena as well as you know just in the headlines, the newspapers. If you're from north of Albury-Wodonga you definitely know about this man.
He represents what Sydney used to be you kn... |
cracked | the_unexpected_downside_to_superhero_secret_identities_action_team | Okay. What is that? I mean, silence your phone because we're working, but what is that?
That's this new dating app and I am blowing up on it. Ooh, no thank you. Dating apps never really work for me.
Yeah, I can see that. Apps that make you lead with, like, your face and body and don't let you write and really sell yo... |
cracked | 5_spongebob_secrets_nickelodeon_wants_buried_under_the_sea_canonball | SpongeBob SquarePants is one of those classic, timeless ideas. A sentient, fry-cooked sea sponge who works at a restaurant owned by a crab whose daughter is a whale, and lives in a sub-aquatic pineapple with a meowing snail. It's no wonder such a universal concept captured the world's imagination for 268 cartoon episod... |
dropout | stop_making_guns_so_sick | No doubt about it. Guns are a serious issue. In 2015 we saw 372 mass shootings alone. The solution is simple. We have to stop making guns.
So sick. Wow. Look at these sick guns. I know it's bad. I just can't shake the fact that I still think guns are fucking sick as hell.
Take this gun. Beretta 9mm. This is a cool gu... |
TheOnion | Nation_Annoyed_About_Having_To_Spend_Long_Weekend_Away_From_Work | Obama weighs his Syria option, military experts advise the president look at America's long glorious history of successful bombing campaigns, and the conflict intensifies as bears enter the war. We require you to wear a jacket and tie to view this video, but your full length evening gown is certainly acceptable too. Th... |
dropout | what_s_inside_bernie_sanders_pockets | I'm Bernie Sanders and here are the items I carry inside my pockets. This is the shoe horn I purchase to help me put on certain shoes more easily. Studies show very few people enjoy the act of unwrapping a candy. Here is the tiniest piece of data to which I refer. If I take a note on the data that turns out to be wrong... |
dropout | The_Italian_Backstreet_Boys_Biggest_Hits_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
... |
TheOnion | Biden_Announces_Plans_For_Extra_PlayStation_5_Controller_In_Case_Someone_Visits_Nation | President Biden has announced plans to purchase an extra PlayStation 5 controller in case someone visits the nation. Biden called the initiative a bold new era for the country's multiplayer capabilities that would prepare it for any potential guests looking to play couch co-op or local multiplayer. The president also s... |
SaturdayNightLive | birthing_class_video_screening_snl | Okay guys, over the last few weeks, we've talked about epidurals and other pain management options. but how many of you are planning a natural birth? I really want to do natural childbirth, but my husband keeps fighting me on it. hey, as long as they still give me drugs for it, I'll be fine. Well, people all over the w... |
cracked | the_inevitable_future_of_each_superhero_universe_after_hours | Cut to act three. It's like a million years in the future. He's bored. Like, he's watched everyone that he loves die over and over and over again. He knows what we're all about, but he can't see the point.
I mean, he's been in control of this planet. He's protected it for so long.
But why? For who?
Don't you think h... |
dropout | awful_deathbed_confessions | I'll never forget you. David! Before I go, there are a few things I need to get off my chest. Yes.
I think the zombie stuff is totally played out. I only reblogged those undead superhero pictures to get followers. They're completely unoriginal at this point. It's alright, sweetie. We've all told lies to fit in online.... |
SaturdayNightLive | funeral_saturday_night_live | And even though I only knew Mr. Bearwald for a short time, I will treasure my memories of him for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, that was lovely. All right, we've heard a lot of wonderful stories about Joseph today, and now we're going to move our celebration into the adjoining room for soft drinks and deli... |
dropout | full_benefits_hook_up | Hi, hi, so work's gonna be weird today. Yep Okay, so listen about last night I'm listening. Yeah, I didn't really have anything after that. I was hoping you'd come me off with like a shh. Wow good plan The point is this is the first time I've ever done this. I took your virginity. No Man, that would have been so awesom... |
cracked | bizarrely_specific_movie_tropes_hollywood_just_created_yboc_john_wick_it | Wub wub wub wub wub wub, pecking this emergency, this dude's pooping out. Oh hey nerds, your results just got back. My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and yes it's breeding, like what I do with dogs. Well not with dogs, I just encourage them to breed, I mean they've earned it, they're man's best friend. Whatever, welcome t... |
SaturdayNightLive | talkin_stars_jon_stewart_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy. a show inspired by actual conversations and interactions between Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan. Hello and welcome to the Show. I'm Rachel. I'm Tracy. And today we'll be talking to a funny man and talk show host in his own right, Jon Stewart. But first, a segment c... |
ClickHole | meet_the_98_year_old_animator_who_suggested_mickey_mouse_s_gloves_should_be_clean | I always knew that Mickey Mouse's gloves should be clean. I was only a junior animator at the time, but something inside me just knew that his hands shouldn't be filthy. I was originally hired to animate a cartoon where Mickey's hands were so dirty that you could barely tell he had fingers. It looked like he had dipped... |
cracked | geek_week_s_global_geekery_monday_cracked_fact | Hi, I'm crack.com's Daniel O'Brien coming to you live via satellite celebrate geek week and the internet and Brainiac, which is the thing that we're doing and in the spirit of Brainiacs I have some interesting facts and crack facts for you, and I want you guys just shout out Something any subject cracks covers a lot of... |
cracked | the_monday_night_football_promo_the_nfl_doesn_t_want_you_to_see | It's Sunday morning, rise and shine Gotta get out of bed in time So much to do, there's no time to drag Call your buds, fire up the grill Tap the keg and don't you spill Put the chips out and raise the flag Open the door, here come the boys Say bye to the wife, time to make some noise This will be the perfect day Perfe... |
Fitzthistlewits | fitzthistlewits_plays_minecraft_episode_1 | Hi guys, it's me Fitz Thistlewitz, and I'm gonna be playing Minecraft. I've decided to cease all non-Minecraft related projects and Instead focus entirely on this masterpiece of a game. I apologize to all six of my subscribers Jimmy Billy Eric and the rest. I Know you'll forgive me because this game is worth it.
Okay,... |
cracked | grimace_is_one_of_the_weirdest_mcdonald_s_characters | but the hamburglar wasn't the only food thief they invented. It seemed like McDonald's plan was to assign each mascot an item to covet and attempt to steal. Hence, we got the original grimace, a six-limbed purple monstrosity whose id was preoccupied with the acquisition and consumption of milkshakes. Ah, that's tasty! ... |
dropout | the_breath_expert_sponsored | I'm Mike. And I'm Eugene.
And this is Will It Kill It? William Kill It. Will It Kill It?
Ah. No. I thought it was a dude. No.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am now joined by Dr. Vermont Hoover. Vermont.
There we go. Okay. Well, Dr. Hoover, you have a unique gift that you want to share with everybody. Is that correct... |
dropout | 1_000_exploding_bats | And that's why I release a new cold virus every year. Well, some people think that that cold virus just mutates, but they're all ice cream.
Sorry. I can't do it. I can't do another one of these detentions. I'm getting out of here. Hard.
Wonderful escape attempt, Bradley. Ah, I thought that would work. Why? It was a d... |
SaturdayNightLive | jan_6th_final_hearing_cold_open_snl | You're watching C-span. Can you believe it stands for Cocker Spaniel? We're now in turn to the closing statements of the January 6th Committee to investigate the attack on our nation's capital. the House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. the January 6th was one of the most dramatic ... |
dropout | marco_polo_submarine | Getting on the bridge. Maintain our bearing. 18 knots. Most common bastards will never find us out in these deep waters.
Ken, we received a message from the Russians. It's a Marko, sir. I see. Respond polo. You heard the captain. Sent.
Sir, the Russians are approaching. Damn it, they're still tracking us.
Receiving ... |
dropout | my_little_brony_toy_commercial | He has a popular live journal. This is Twilight Wolf. He's an assistant manager at Costco. Each has its own secret surprise. Wow, an ill-advised tattoo. Dip their message board rants in water to make them even longer.
Wow, mine really likes ponies. And that's not all. Each brony keeps a special treasure in its cargo p... |
ClickHole | listening_to_these_people_talk_about_the_moment_they_became_a_parent_will_make_you_feel_things | The first time I became a parent. The moment I became a parent, I could never forget. Where do I even begin?
One day I went to the hospital and saw my wife there and she was holding a small wet man that I had never seen before. She said, this strange wet man came out of my body and now you need to love him. I walked i... |
cracked | the_terrible_truth_star_wars_fans_can_t_admit_today_s_topic | What are they Ewoks yes best part You know that you walks are only there to sell toys right what are you talking about man the whole movies there to sell Toys I will choke you to death I'm just saying the word Ewok in the return of the Jedi is never uttered once the entire film that can't be true Yeah, I read it on red... |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_way_too_competitive_with_jeremy_sisto | Man, I feel overworked.
Do you want to play a quick game of ping pong? Yeah, I got a few minutes. It'll be fun. Yeah? Oh. Are you guys thinking about playing a little table tennis? Because I am a little overworked myself and I wouldn't mind following a few sets. Uh-huh. So, hey. Um, we were just going to hit the ball ... |
dropout | Izzy_Has_To_Order_a_Pizza_and_Say_I_m_Hungie_16_Times | Excuse me. How many? 400. That is not possible. Okay. Four. Reasonable.
Erica. Five. Gettin' pretty silly. Becca. Six. Becca is on a crusade. Eight.
Oh boy. You look deeply upset about this. I am gleeful.
Nine. Raise it to 10. 10 it is. 11. 11 for Izzy.
I shall drop out.
Izzy. 13. I would expect nothing less from ... |
SaturdayNightLive | summer_gig_snl | And so I pulled up my pants, and I said, i'll see you at work. thank you. thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston Residence Inn. once again, we are the Tres Henderson Trio.
So glad that you joined our big kickoff to summer celebration. we got a hot show to get back to. but before we do, my allergies are exploding. ca... |
SaturdayNightLive | cut_for_time_thanksgivies_snl | And now it's time for the Thanksgiving Award. honoring outstanding performers at Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving is always memorable, but tonight, we're honoring those individuals who go above and beyond to ensure the holiday is truly unforgettable. our first category of the evening is biggest guilt Trip, and the nomine... |
CrackerMilk | elias_finally_admits_why_he_hates_vegans | This hot dog screams his walk right to you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. J-Dog mouth is getting bit warm.
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast, where we turn your YouTube comments into improv bits while we sit here and laugh and have a little fun. And we are first joined by someone q... |
ClickHole | hateful_liberal_youtube_video_depicts_president_trump_receiving_a_wedgie_from_a_cowboy | I just want to know one thing. Why is the only white baseball mascot a complete buffoon? I just don't understand it.
The MOB has an Asian mascot and he's sexy and dignified. They have an African American mascot and he's this big strong black guy who kids are supposed to look up to and that's fine. But then we get just... |
dropout | choosing_majors_is_hard | Okay, almost time to register for my freshman year classes. I've got my coffee, my orientation packet, and my awesome Wi-Fi from Xfinity, making sure nothing goes wrong. Now I just got to figure out what to take. Let's see here.
The English department. Good morrow, Jennifer. Come to learn more about English? Well, I l... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_party_at_mr_bernard_s_saturday_night_live | I can't believe our boss is letting us hang in this palace for the whole weekend. we are going to get so many babes. forget about the babes. I'm just hoping for that promotion. Mr. Bernard, we're here. Dude, look. Mr. Bernard. Wow. looks like you really partied Hardy. Mr. Bernard, your guests are going to be here soon.... |
dropout | sex_daddies_celebrate_father_s_day_hardly_working | What's the matter? Father's Day is coming up. I have no idea what to get my daddy. Tell me about it.
My dad, he buys everything that he wants for himself. Not my dad. My daddy. Our daddies, Raph.
Isn't that what I just said? No. Not a dad.
A daddy. Like daddy. Oh, like a sex daddy? Yes, exactly. Daddy.
Do they get ... |
dropout | the_legend_of_link_s_distractions | Link, the hero of Hyrule, have you come to finish your quest and recover the Triforce from the evil Ganondorf? That I have. Oh, thank you, Link. Thank you. Oh yeah, no problem. So are you... are you questing now, or? Oh yeah, yeah. I only ask because it looks like you're... fishing. Yeah, I heard there was a 26 pounder... |
SaturdayNightLive | witness_relocation_saturday_night_live | I shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have done it.
Oh, now, now, Mr. Booty, you know you did the right thing. you don't understand. you never will understand. you crossed the mob. you know what happens. don't you realize you wind up dead meat? dead meat? Well, now, now, Mr. Booty, you... |
cracked | behold_fox_news_creates_legal_controversy_out_of_thin_air | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off Kelly's Court, where Fox News examines all the pressing legal issues of the day.
Like, what happens when a Sopranos character actor thinks he's won the lottery? By mistake. While Kelly's Court is back in session on the docket today, he thought he won big. But he thoug... |
TheOnion | nation_abuzz_with_prospect_of_18_year_old_boys_having_their_dreams_crushed | If I were Pete Manning, I'd be happy to have my head fall off on the football field. I'd welcome death like a bear welcomes the taste of warm rabbit flesh. You saw a bear eating a rabbit one time, and you won't stop talking about it. Off with your face. It's the face-off.
It's March Madness, and the general masses are... |
dropout | amish_women_confess_their_endless_sins | You've returned from your own spring, and you've experienced a sinful, modern world, and you've been tempted by it, which is our tradition, and now you've made the godly decision to return to our community. Well, you will be accepted, but first, you must confess all your sins, everyone, all at once, no matter how long ... |
cracked | 11_movie_alternate_dimensions_with_horrifying_downsides_after_hours | You don't think we'll be able to bury her in the work? It's something, though. It's definitely something.
Does anyone else smell that? It's gasoline. I spilled it on myself on the bus.
Why are you running? I don't know. I feel like maybe I upset a witch or something. I feel like there's a parasite in my brain just ea... |
dropout | troopers_tractor_beam | Uh, I can't believe we have to cover Chase's ships. Nobody has it worse than us.
Uh, Chase was crushed to death by a crate of frozen meatballs. I love meatballs!
Okay, that's too fast, too fast, too fast, too fast! Oh my god. I just killed everyone on that ship. No, no, no, no, no. When it has a crew of over 2,000, i... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Frosty_Reception_Teachers_Strike_A_Forced_Intervention_More_December_10 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, we've got Errol Parker here and we've got Wendell Hussey. How are yous all? I'm alright mate, just counting down the days until Christmas ... |
dropout | surprise_milk_prank_slow_mo_prank_show | We'll invite our actors one by one to audition for what they think is a soda commercial. Tapan, nice to meet you. So this is going to be your mark here. The client just wants to see in profile people taking sips of soda. Cool. What they do not know is that sometime during this audition, we will switch their soda with m... |
dropout | safari_on_tatooine | From Iron Man to the Iron Throne, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
Joining us today, we have Hector Navarro. Um, actually, I'm very happy to be here. Thank you. Oh, great. We have Daniel Radford. Um, actually, I... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_1_pro_vs_3_n00bs | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin. This week we are going to find out exactly how good someone can be at Starcraft 2, with Trevor Houston, AKA Torch. Trevor is on one of the best American Starcraft 2 teams. He recently went to Korea to compete in a Starcraft tournament, and we're going to see if he can beat me, and... |
dropout | the_terrifying_cost_of_free_websites_adam_ruins_everything | I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole. Wait, do you still think Matrix parodies are cool? Yes. Look around you, Mitchell.
This is the free internet. We do everything here. We connect with friends on Facebook, search for information on Google, and all of it's free.... |
dropout | when_van_gogh_gave_his_ear_to_his_girlfriend | I wish that we brought her a better present. I know, I'm a little embarrassed. But the cake's good. You know, the last time I had cake, I was running from the army.
Vincent is here. Oh, Vincent, come join us. Sit down.
Whatever. It's a birthday cake this year. Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Vincent, what happened to your ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_marcello_hernandez_and_season_49_finale_joke_swap_snl | President Biden and President Trump have agreed to two debates this summer for a preview of the debates, take a bottle of ambien and adderall at the same time. Biden posted a video challenging Trump to the debate, saying, make my day, pal,' to which Trump responded, let's get ready to rumble. two phrases that are guara... |
cracked | if_disney_cartoons_were_historically_accurate_disney_musical_parody_with_rachel_bloom | Oh birds, at sunset I wander through the village, Glowing in the twilight and so quiet. Well it's quiet cause most people died of a plague, Caused by jealous witches. I wander through the village and I think, That my life is missing something dear. As I stop to rest and cough a blood, I wonder when will I find my princ... |
dropout | christmas_elves_vs_fantasy_elves | 🎵 🎵 Frost my toes! Who could that be? I don't know! Delario! What a surprise! Delario?
Greetings, mother and father. Long have been the hours of my journeying to arrive here for Christmas.
What the fudge are you wearing? Oh, these are my iron silk robes. Light as a feather, but stronger than- You look ridiculous, i... |
Wizards_with_Guns | real_estate_is_not_as_easy_when_you_re_selling_sand_castles | Are you tired of house hunting? Are you tired of being hunted in your own house? Are you tired of your real estate agent staring through your window, talking a quick peek at your eggs? Have you ever opened up your phone to see a picture of your real estate agent as your wallpaper background and you don't know what, you... |
dropout | why_are_my_nipples_pixelated | Morning. Okay, what can we do for you today? I don't know. I was giving myself a breast exam this morning and something's wrong. Okay, well let's take a look.
They're all blocky and square and weirdly colored. I don't know what's happening to me. This is nothing to worry about. This is a textbook case of pixelated nip... |
dropout | animorphs_and_azkaban | From J.R.R. Tolkien to George R.R. Martin, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Unactually. Joining us today, we have Allie Beardsley. Hello. Zach Sherwin. And Siobhan Thompson. Guys, I'm reading the Broken Earth trilogy right... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_nft_enthusiast | Why would you buy a house if you can buy the NFT and sell it for a house? There's a lot of strategy that goes into the stinking GM Yeah, so this make working I don't like it and F NFTs NFTs are the future. I think every new technology is Exciting what environmental impact?
Oh, there's another collection out. Can you g... |
TheOnion | Santorum_Now_Viciously_Condemning_Homosexuals_Minorities_Women_For_100_000_Speaking_Fee | Rick Santorum is now viciously condemning homosexuals, minorities, and women for a $100,000 speaking fee. Maya Angelou thinks she should be invited to more White House stuff, and the whole guitar music fad has run its course. Sometimes I drive around at night looking for anyone willing to listen to the cold yet soothin... |
dropout | apple_call_it_the_iwatch_and_we_ll_kill_you | The Apple Watch is the most revolutionary device we have ever created. Its design makes technology uniquely personal, and if you call it the iWatch, we'll fucking kill you. It's called the Apple Watch, don't call it the iWatch, that's not its name. The back of every Apple Watch contains four incredibly precise health s... |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_drug_bust_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wxpd News, New York. good morning everyone. our top story today, a prestigious New York College, is reeling following a drug bust on campus. veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who today is celebrating his 58th year at our Network. Herb? hello, John. hello, Herb. And congratulations.
Now, tell... |
cracked | the_aladdin_fan_theory_to_end_all_aladdin_fan_theories | Disney's Aladdin is the story of Jafar, a grand vizier in danger of being executed who desperately wants to marry and protect the Sultan's daughter from a lying creep. Or at least, that's the story Disney was actually telling. If you think about it, Jafar from Aladdin is a really great, good, nice guy. Jafar is regular... |
dropout | don_t_start_a_podcast_hardly_working | I can ride with you. Yep. Oh hey guys. Hey, guys, I've been meaning to ask you. I've been doing a podcast.
It's called West Wings. We eat wings and we watch the West Wing.
It's going to be super easy. You guys going to be guests? You go ahead. I'll catch up. That's weird, but okay. Do you forget something? Grant, hea... |
cracked | angry_birds_the_movie_what_did_you_expect_cracked_responds | Hey, Rosie. Hey, Cody. Come here.
So, uh, almost 15 million people have seen the Angry Birds trailer, which is a game I've, uh, movie, about a game I've never played. Not a trailer for the game, trailer for a movie. No, they made a movie of it. They've never played the game either?
You throw birds at a thing. Mm-hmm.... |
SaturdayNightLive | food_and_youtube_ft_lizzo_snl | Hey, Demetrius, have you been spending your nights lately? I sure have. I asked you how, not if. Oh, yeah, is that time all right? I guess it is time to sing about something that's very important to us. I do, do, do, do. I do, do, I'm weak.
And it's time to set the mood. with candles and bubbly whooply and a big-ass p... |
cracked | why_procrastination_is_actually_good_for_you | Are you procrastinating right now, as you watch me do, like, this? Well, if you are procrastinating, good job! Because contrary to what we've always been told, procrastination is in fact good for us. Don't believe me? Well then I guess you could stop procrastinating and start doing whatever thing you're putting off. Or... |
dropout | now_is_the_time_to_do_something | The Muslim ban is going into effect. This is so scary. Damn.
You know, now is the time that we all need to step up and do something. Now? Yeah, now is the time. I mean, marginalized people have been oppressed for ages, so we should really always be stepping up.
Damn. You know she has a point? Damn, yeah.
Now is the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | nightline_actresses_not_nominated_for_oscars_snl | This is Nightline, reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel. Steve, President Clinton and Republican Congressional leaders announced they had come to an extraordinary agreement on an agenda for the 110th Congress, but my superiors here at Abc News tell me that you, the American People, wouldn't be interested in a sho... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_new_joker_film_looks_so_boring_ | Thank you for meeting me on such short notice, sir. I know you're a very busy criminal, but this is a very serious matter. Why? Well, I can explain.
So serious. Bottom line, we're in debt. Are you serious? Like a lot of debt. I mean, we're talking total bankruptcy by the end of the month.
This isn't funny. Because I'... |
dropout | girls_in_a_horror_movie_decide_which_one_is_the_slut | Oh my god, that means one of us is definitely gonna die yeah, and somebody has to go first Okay, well who does first in a horror movie? Okay? Let's think about it. Um in Halloween.
It's the slutty sister In cabin in the woods. It's a slutty girlfriend and scream.
It's the slave you're very more I think it's actually ... |
cracked | a_jurassic_park_rap_battle_cracked_rap_challenge | Hello, and welcome to the Cracked Rap Challenge, the show where we take our in-house rapper, Michael Swame, AKA MS Word, and a special guest, lock them in a room for six hours and have them write a rap based on a challenge that you, the audience, came up with. Hey guys, good morning, thanks for joining me, how you doin... |
dropout | Which_of_Your_Friends_Has_Their_Amber_Alerts_Turned_Off_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to The Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm... |
dropout | should_you_wear_a_man_bun | Oh man, I need a haircut. Or do you? Ah! I can't be that guy. What are you afraid of? Being mistaken for Jake Gyllenhaal or all the pussy? I, what? Wait, really? Jesus, no!
You're going to look like a samurai Keanu Reeves. Manbuns are the new face of masculinity. It's the rolled up sleeves of hair. Manbuns says I'm st... |
dropout | If_There_Were_Fashion_Shows_for_Exercise_Clothes | Hello, hello, I'm Angela Merkel. No relation. And I'm here with up-and-coming fashion designer and booty expert Candace Gladstone to discuss her spring 2020 exercise line. Angela, sweetie. Thank you for having me. As always, I love being here.
Fashion is literally big. Isn't it? It is. Let's get this show on the road.... |
dropout | shaun_white_on_wizards_and_hoverboards_sponsored | Hey everybody, I am Jeff Rubin from College Humor, and thanks to Stride, I am at the Do Tour. We're the best snowboarder in the world. Shawn White is about to be interviewed by the worst snowboarder in the world, me. Now you are an unbelievable skateboarder and incredible snowboarder. Thank you.
Is there any sport you... |
dropout | hardly_working_love_and_sleep | There are so many beautiful girls in New York City. Mm-hmm. I feel like I fall asleep on the subway every day, er, fall in love on the subway every day. Nobody like, falling asleep, falling in love.
I mean, what's the difference? Really?
Falling asleep is like, you know, at the end of the day, you like, put your head... |
dropout | i_wish_the_dog_would_stop_watching_us_have_sex | I'm sorry it's just it's weird with him watching it's okay he doesn't understand what's going on I know but he's he's got like human eyes Riley go play go play better much better Riley no go play can we close the door if we do that I'll just bark non-stop it's annoying um but I'm just I'm not really okay with having so... |
cracked | hispanic_heritage_month_is_confusing_and_that_s_okay | Actually, it's not a month. It's from September 15th to October 15th, but that's cool because Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua celebrate their independence on September 15th. And Mexico, Chile, and Belize also celebrate their independence in late September. So, why not just make it September?... |
dropout | hardly_working_new_guy | Yeah, everybody's pretty chill here. Except for Pat, he's a little bit of a turd, you know what I mean? Uh, hey, everybody!
What's up, man? How are you? What are you doing?
Stop it! Why are you doing this?! Please! Someone help me!
Alright, and over here's Amir. Hey, Amir. New programmer, John Zanussi. Oh, what's up... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Rogue_One | This is Peter Rosenthal, Head Film Critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Rogue One, the next installment in the epic Star Wars series, and a film that needed to go a long way to earn back my trust after last year's release of the thoroughly disappointing Droids of the Resistance 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. The ... |
cracked | the_6_creepiest_videos_aimed_at_children_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 25 of Crack TV. I'm your host, Droid Michael Swain, and I'd just like everyone to know that Susie Wilkins is an assbutt and is made of poop. What? What's that Susie?
Well, maybe you should have gone to Roboprom with me. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Chips! For those keep... |
TheOnion | Obama_Befriends_Rich_Elderly_Widow_In_Hopes_She_ll_Put_Nation_In_Her_Will | President Obama once again took time off today to visit the bedside of 89-year-old billionaire widow Mrs. Adelia Scott, prompting the White House to once again deny claims that the president is simply buttering up Mrs. Scott in hopes that she'll leave her money to the badly-indebted U.S. Treasury. How could you say tha... |
TheOnion | Breaking_News_Woman_Crying_On_Train_Platform | This is the Onion News Network, controlling what you see and when you see it. We've got a breaking news blast coming in now.
We're going live via telephone with reporter Don Abrams in San Francisco, California, where we're being told that a woman is crying on a train platform in front of dozens of other commuters. We'... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_ONEFOUR_Spenny_Celly_and_filmmaker_Gabriel_Gasparinatos | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, live from the Batooter Advocate recording studio. Very exciting to have today's guests in here, you've just got myself Clancy Overall today and I'm joined by Gabe Ga... |
TheOnion | Lazy_Illiterate_Pulitzer_Board_Should_At_Least_Be_Able_To_Watch_This_Fucking_Video_Recap | An esteemed and award-worthy newspaper celebrates its 1000th issue, Pulitzer Prize winners feel hollow inside knowing there are far more deserving institutions, and the very highest journalistic standards are met and exceeded in a weekly video news review. It's the week of The Onion's 1000th issue, and you are witnessi... |
dropout | half_birthday_sex | It's your half birthday and I know you want to get F'd But just a full play cause you still got 6 months left If today was the day then you know I'd make you feel right But it's not so I'll half-ass it and say goodnight I'll bring you to the edge and stop abruptly Just when you can taste it I'll get tired and cuddly I'... |
dropout | dinosaur_office_new_boss_part_1 | Dinosaur office, RARRRR!!! Everyone, I've got some exciting news. The company has been sold. Oh no! Redundancy!
I'm 401k! Don't worry, as long as I'm here your jobs are safe. In fact, some of you might even end up in management. And now, please welcome your new CEO, Bruce Velosie. The company is dead, people.
All the... |
dropout | hardly_working_animated_superpowers | Occasionally, when I'm not feeling so well, I'm a little bit down and having a bad day, maybe I got a cold, I just want to transform into Usher, have a little jolt of Usher in my life. Get a couple of dance moves out on stage, one of the hat grabs, one of the spins, you know, maybe after hours. Just steal his body away... |
TheOnion | Embarrassing_Bounced_Check_From_Greece_Taped_Up_In_IMF_Headquarters | 63 percent of Americans admit to having a problem with a Mormon president who is also Mitt Romney. An embarrassing bounced check from Greece is taped up in the IMF headquarters. And the dog in an internet video feels guilty about capturing the public imagination so easily. If I sound under duress, it's certainly not be... |
cracked | 5_movie_fight_moves_that_will_get_you_killed | If you spent your childhood watching the most horrific action movies you could get your grubby little paws on every time your parents were out of town or just not paying enough attention to the living room, you probably feel like you have a pretty good sense of how to murder. After all, pretty much every pop culture he... |
cracked | it_s_time_to_retire_doctor_who | I tried. I tried to like you so hard.
All of my adult friends, their adult friends, the entirety of Tumblr, they love you. They obsess over you with this sort of unsettling mania I always assumed was specific to serial killers and teenage girls. They fixate on each one of your jokes, your catchphrases, your companions... |
dropout | that_couple_that_only_talks_about_tv_shows_they_re_into | I'm not looking forward to this. Come on, they're not that bad. Correction, they're not that bad in winter, spring, or summer. This is fall.
I mean, new TV lineup? Get ready for non-stop show references.
Hey, look who did. Hey, how good it is to see you. Good to see you. Thank you.
Have you guys heard about this fal... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Sound_Of_Music | Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read, you begin with A-B-C. When you sing, you begin with Do-Re-Mi.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In honor of the beloved film's 50th anniversary, today's Cinema Classics segment will take a look at The Sound of Music, a... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_justin_kredible | We're going to give a warm welcome to Justin Credible! You're on the front row, we've never met, right? Your name is?
Krista.
Right or left? Right. Perfect.
Point to somebody who you don't know. This dude right here. And then in the gliding, what's up? What's up? Your name is? Sean.
Sean, you have to pick two thigh... |
dropout | the_ultimate_dad_joke_duel | Hey guys, have you had a chance to look at the dessert menu? I feel like ice cream. That's funny. You don't look like ice cream. Hi, I'd take any table you like. Hey, thanks. Steven, you think this one will fit in the car?
Honey, what's wrong? Nothing. Sweetie, your hair looks different. I got a haircut. Really? Becau... |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_friends_cold_open_snl | You're watching Fox and Friends. Welcome to Fox and Friends.
I don't think we're allowed to say that. everybody chill. Well, what a terrible week for the Gop. the Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about? Yeah, yeah, who was promising that? Bec... |
TheOnion | Shelby_Cross_Takes_On_Public_Indecency_By_Videotaping_Teens_Having_Sex_Season_1_Ep_7_on_IFC | This fall, the Onion News Network returns. We have an incoming news blast for you now. Now, let me tell you this little story, people.
I was doing my regular 11 o'clock security sweep around the perimeter of my house when I noticed a couple of young people having intercourse in the front seat of a car out in the stree... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_High_Note_A_Tragedy_At_Splendour_A_Heroic_Dad_More_July_29 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin, you've got myself Clancy over all here, we've got Effie Bateman and Wendell Hussey, how are we team? Really good, really good. Big interviews this week, Senator Jackie Lambie, Senator Tammy Ty... |
cracked | the_avengers_age_of_ultron_hot_take_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with the Ultron Met. Way too many of you have seen the Avengers Age of Ultron for cracks not to give you a hot take.
So here it comes. Of course, way too many of you have not seen it and hot takes tend to have spoilers and spoilers on the internet or akin to a turd in a punch bowl. So, uh... ... |
dropout | Presidential_Campaigns_Are_So_OBSESSED_With_Me | That's how and why I beat Shaq.
Oh my god, I have to sort through all these insane letters. Whoa, are these love letters? No, Lily, they are not love letters. They are obsession emails from an old man pleading with an old man. It's like he specifically infatuated with only me.
Katie, please. Katie, it's never over. K... |
cracked | 5_mistakes_everyone_makes_while_christmas_shopping_happy_black_friday | If the TV man is to be believed, then Christmas season is the time to envelop yourself in a warm familial embrace and slowly drift into a pink cloud of day-drinking. But the TV man is a fucking liar, because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters about you this December is what expensive gifts you can buy f... |
cracked | why_the_planeteers_should_never_get_high_cracked_cut_ups | I am the one who knocks. Situation is more than we can handle. We need help. We must do as a guy advised. We must combine our powers. Let's do it! Let our powers combine.
Let's get out of here. Fire! Move! Watch out! Let's get out of here. Watch out!
An expired bag of cheese.
Work with a smiley face drawn on it. Lit... |
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