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ClickHole | makeup_tutorial_make_your_hair_a_problem_for_richard_dreyfuss_in_two_minutes | Hi guys, it's me, Shayna, back with another hair and makeup tutorial.
So we all know mornings are a crunch.
You're brushing your teeth, feeding the dog, you're running out the door, and you just don't have time to make your hair a fucking disaster for a claimed actor, Richard Dreyfuss. Today I'm going to show you guy... |
cracked | game_of_thrones_season_5_trailer_cracked_responds | Game of Thrones trailer. You guys see it? I've legitimately never seen it.
Oh, I watched it. None of us will matter to you. I was lying. I watched it.
Now according to a very reputable side of a bust that I saw, Yeah, Peter Dinklage runs afoul of a dragon on a foggy night. Oh, yeah in the Game of Thrones. So that's w... |
SaturdayNightLive | blue_bunny_snl | Okay, cutie pies. we're ready to get started. well, maybe a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need, but so good. Hi, gang. thanks for coming out to this focus group. we are from Blue Bunny Ice Cream, and we've got some new products that we'd love your feedback on. like bomb pops? No, sir. no, no bomb pops tod... |
cracked | licking_swayze_and_water_news_on_cracked_3_10_08 | It's Monday, March 10, 2008, and this is the News Uncracked. I'm Lex Friedman, if I'm not mistaken. Over the weekend, the President and the Pentagon honored America's last surviving World War I veteran, Frank Woodruff Buckles. He's 107 years old, but he was just 15 when he joined the U.S. Army back in 1917. At a celebr... |
dropout | you_re_too_sad_to_argue_with_hardly_working | Rekha, is everything okay? Um, I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
Oh my god. What's going on? I had the worst week. I mean, my dad's been really, really sick, and I just found out that my dog is dying too. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I'm going to be okay, but it just sucks because I know my dad's going to heaven, but Rex is... |
dropout | bilbo_gets_trolled | From Asimov to Asimov, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Matt Kirshin.
Hey! Becca Scott. Hello! And Amy Vorpahl. Hi!
I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements ab... |
dropout | people_believe_crazy_things_about_celebrities_prank_news_network | Hi! We're here on the world-famous Hollywood Walk of Fame to prove people will believe anything you say if you look like a newscaster and are holding a microphone.
I don't know if you've heard the buzz about the new action film coming out from Michael Bay called Explosion. It's actually going to be one large explosion... |
SaturdayNightLive | prose_and_cons_snl | Robbins, Sheldon, Krantz, Meisel, all popular fiction writers. all of them sprang from the prestigious educational institutions that have been the backbone of American literature. where are tomorrow's Hemingways and Faulkner's coming from? prisms. I think that most of today's writers are coming from the straining, comp... |
dropout | shampoo_for_your_butthole | Hey guys, can I ask you a question? Yeah man, shoot.
You ever feel dirty, you know, down there? You mean your crotch? No, the backside. I used to, but not anymore. What do you use, a bar of soap? Ew, no. I would never use something down there and then use it on the rest of my body. Okay, then what about body gel? Oh n... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_thing | The Thing John Carpenter's 1982 sci-fi horror classic about screaming in Antarctica is a masterclass in suspense and special effects. Here are some behind-the-scenes trivia that will change the way you watch The Thing forever. Many people don't realize that John Carpenter's The Thing is actually a remake of 1951's The ... |
dropout | cop_talk | Welcome to Cop Talk, brought to you by the other guys. Listen up, we need your cooperation. Ross! We are doing a lot of property damage! We're here with the officer Charles D. Crescendo, retired, and we're gonna ask him some questions that you've always wanted to ask a cop, but we're probably too nervous because we tho... |
TheOnion | Highlights_Of_Melania_Trump_s_2016_RNC_Speech | It is my great honor to present the next First Lady of the United States, my wife and amazing mother and incredible woman, Melania Trump. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. You have all been very kind to Donald and me, to our young son Barron, and to our whole family. It's a very nice welcome, and we ... |
TheOnion | How_America_Can_Become_Less_Divided_By_Increasing_The_Number_Of_Murals_Of_People_Holding_Hands | With last year's ugly presidential election and the ongoing rash of protests across the country, there's one thing just about everyone can agree on. We're more divided than ever. So how did we get here?
Look no further than the lack of murals of people holding hands throughout the country. Sure, there are a few small ... |
SaturdayNightLive | fully_naked_in_new_york_snl | Sometimes I can barely find the strength to get out of bed. the world feels so cold and dark and I can't put the past out of my head when I'm feeling all alone, can't make it on my own, and I seem so close to giving up when there's darkness all around and I'm feeling really down. There's just one thing in the world tha... |
cracked | 6_ridiculously_misleading_movie_trailers | Stupid, misleading movie. Pray there is. Should've taken the money and left the guy alone. Not that simple, Bernie. No, of course not! Now that it's bounced up in your face!
This kid is special. Hey! I'm here with Ronnie Barnhart, one of the security guards here at the mall. Who can help me? Ma'am, I'm the head of mal... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rupert_murdoch_calls_off_engagement_pope_francis_praises_sex_snl | A new study finds that the average child throws a tantrum four times a week. weeknights on Fox. Rupert Murdoch's engagement to Anne Leslie Smith has been called off. apparently, she got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.
In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex, calling it one of the bea... |
dropout | a_message_from_your_favorite_ceos_ | Hi America, my name's David Taylor. I'm the CEO of the company that makes Tide, and it's corollary product, Tide Pods, which is what I want to talk to you about today. You gotta stop eating the Tide Pods, okay? Look, I get it. You guys are young, you're hip. You don't want an old guy telling you what to do, but Tide Po... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_ultimate_prank | I'm Dan Gerwich, and this is Patrick Cassels, Prankmaster Extraordinaire. Right now, David is at his desk, totally unaware that he is about to become the ultimate butt of the ultimate office prank. It's critical that he not see us, because we are moments away from executing the finale of what has been a long, delicatel... |
dropout | future_jeremy_lin_headlines | Since his breakout performance against the New Jersey Nets, Jeremy Lin has been dominating news headlines almost always in the form of a pun. Here are a few suggestions for more in case the Lin Sanity continues. Yo! Check out my bling! Bling! There's a Lin in there, trust me. Duh! Linning!
Abraham Lincoln. It works. D... |
cracked | coke_s_bizarre_fake_credit_card_for_90s_teens | If you're at a party and someone's looking for a Coke card, they don't mean this one. This is the Coca-Cola card, a logistically complex fake credit card, discount program, concert ticket, voicemail account, and small business directory all rolled into one that's earned its place here in the landfill of history. Widely... |
TheOnion | U_S_Forest_Service_Kills_Off_Smokey_Bear_To_Get_People_Serious_About_Fire_Safety | With wildfires on the rise in the U.S., some public safety ads are getting a drastic makeover. This week, the Forest Service rolled out a brand new Smokey the Bear campaign, in which the popular mascot burns to death. They say they hope the shocking turn will get people serious about preventing forest fires for once. T... |
TheOnion | Concerning_Study_Finds_1_In_10_Americans_Lack_Access_To_Adequate_Food_Eating_Challenges | Food inequality continues to be an issue across the country, as a concerning study recently found that nearly one in 10 Americans lacks access to adequate food and eating challenges. The study found that despite massive wealth in the U.S., millions of Americans don't know where their next 20-pound hamburger is coming f... |
SaturdayNightLive | amazon_go_snl | Since 2018, Amazon's been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It's Amazon Go, so I just grab what I want and leave. Yep, Wow, that's so easy. Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping. that's it. that's it. No lines, no checkouts. no problem. At an Amazon Go store. You can walk... |
TheOnion | Orgy_Scheming_Sex_House_Ep_8 | 6 sexy americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This sex house. Welcome to sex house!
Have sex.
Yeah we will! Right after the sex meeting. No need to miss us bro. I've been having a lot of meetings but they're all about having more sex. We can't wait to have a big group sex fuck fest. And that's w... |
cracked | amadeus_review_aka_nipples_of_venus | Oh, got the brides in the video. Also, I didn't go live in time. Get out of the video, Brian.
All I was gonna say is I don't think poorly of anybody, but I do think structurally there can be issues in life that make people behave in ways that I don't want them to. Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a ... |
cracked | the_terrifying_conspiracy_behind_early_90s_kids_toys_nickelodeon_s_gak_parody | What is Slurm? Slurm is disgusting. Slurm's a mess and messy fun. Uh, Slurm?
Yeah! Um...
Slurm's are here! Slurps are weird! Slurps are burpy! Slurps are not appropriate. Slurps are bouncy!
Look at me, look at me, you okay? Are you a professional? You gonna be a man? Give me one of these. Do that. Yeah, alright, no,... |
dropout | where_s_the_remote | No, no, no, really, it's pronounced Uranus. What's the joke? It's not a joke, that's my point. It's the Greek god of the sky. I don't understand why it's so burning.
Watch the documentary and see how they say it. Have you seen the remote?
Nope. Huh. Okay. I can't find it, are you sure it's not on your side? Yeah, I'm... |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_basic_instinct_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | Look, I don't know that anybody is out here claiming basic instinct with all its ice picks to the brain and vulvas to the audience's eyeballs as some paragon of tasteful, thoughtful filmmaking, but it's definitely trying to say or at least do something, and that something gets a lot more interesting with a male femme f... |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_NASA_Honeyfuggling_America_With_Nonsense_Space_Dreams | Hush up, something's stinking up the whole cabin. Must be something in my varmint trap, so let's see what I snag. Your longest man's been hunting coons by starlight.
He's been looking up and shouting, I wanna go on that moon. And we did, cause we said we would. But now these space princes are going around demanding al... |
dropout | i_don_t_see_race | Man, there were so many incredible super-diverse movies last year. Diverse movies? Yeah, like Moonlight or Lion, Hidden Figures and Fences, movies that didn't just feature white people.
So interesting. I never really thought about that. Really? Even after the whole Oscar's so light thing and all the articles written a... |
TheOnion | Red_Sox_Announce_Plans_To_Return_Fenway_To_Original_1912_Conditions | Red Sox Nation was thrilled today by news that Fenway Park will undergo a massive antiquation project to restore the ballpark to its original 1912 design. For more, let's talk to Onion Sports Network's senior baseball analyst, Jim Ridgeway. Hey, Mark. Jimmy, the organization's really embracing the Fenway faithful sense... |
CrackerMilk | planting_an_undercover_cop_in_our_house | podcast crack milk is podcasting now available on Spotify and all major streaming platform all major out retailers like toy store toy toy world mr. toys toys podcast now out now mr. toys toy world toys are in while it's hot you know what else you can get a mr. toys toy world and or toys are us what's that toys oh that'... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_goodfellas | You're gonna let him get away with that? You're gonna let this punk get away with that?
What's the world coming to? What the world is coming to?
How do you like that? Goodfellas Martin Scorsese's cinematic masterpiece about a group of New York mobsters who never play basketball is arguably the greatest gangster film ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_when_i_grow_up | Today on Bleakbloop we are playing games based on what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our childhood dream jobs. I'm Jeff Rubin and I'm joined by Internet Video Superstar Scott Gerner and Pat N. Streeter from College Humor. Scott, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I greatly admired Magic Johnson, I wanted to ... |
dropout | summer_of_music_dance_clubs_are_the_worst | I already hated friends that she knows the promoter pros and collars they dated That sir says a guy don't work here but we all can tell that he won't let us in the doors Cause our girls are all fatty so I, I tell him yo I'm with those 27 hoes Wearing tiny booty shows, though it's 22 below And now's when it gets really ... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_pangea_3000 | Everybody give it up for Pinchy at 3,000! Have you ever tried whispering? Have you ever tried talking at a lower volume?
Those are the same things! Hi!
Now you can whisper anywhere free with whispering! Whisper at home at the office, whisper at a loved one's family or sex mates, and now you can eat a whisper to your ... |
cracked | 4_disturbing_questions_about_krang_from_ninja_turtles_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, I'm Daniel O'Brien, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Resort, a show that loves pop culture so much that it can't help but ruin it through pedantic over analysis. Today's episode asks the question, I've been thinking a lot about Krang lately. For those of you who already know who K... |
SaturdayNightLive | jurors_snl | So, with that said, Mr. Hubbard could not have been at the scene of the crime. your witness. thank you, counsel. moving on to cross-examination. Prosecution has the floor. So, Mr. Hubbard, on the night of your wife's disappearance, what did you do? I called the police. Really? because records show that you did not. Oh!... |
dropout | hardly_working_uptight_stoners | Hey, yo, Pat, man. Why'd you want to meet? You think it's what time it is?
Oh, yeah? Yeah, 4-20. Oh! 4-20? 4-20? 4-20? Oh, bless. Oh, sorry.
I can't come to work. It's time to get stale!
You know what?
Oh. Oh, no. What? Darn, it's 4-21. Yeah, that's a shame, huh? It is.
I really wanted to do trunks, too. I did, to... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_129_Shannon_Noll | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here in the Budgie Smuggler booth in downtown Batutah in the old city district and today is a momentous occasion for the Batutah Advocate radio show and... |
SaturdayNightLive | eastwood_and_chair_saturday_night_live | Do you love cutting-edge political satire? Do you like to laugh and think? Then you absolutely can't miss and check. The comedy duo that rocked the Republican National Convention is taking their act on the road. It's two full hours of high-waisted hijacks.
What do you mean? shut up. Why don't you shut up? want me to d... |
dropout | time_warner_cable_guy_porn | I'm here to service you. You're a little late. I said I'd come any time between eight and five. Which means I've still got five minutes. Good. Because I need this bundle.
You're going to have to take all of it. Even the parts you don't care about. Sounds like a huge package. It barely works. You're so much slower than... |
cracked | why_we_ll_never_get_hoverboards | Hey, everyone! Look over here, it's me, Cody!
To the tip of my... ...something. Let's see it in action! He was just about to step on it! Why the hell would you cut away?! The hell is what you're asking? That was my impression of you watching the ad. That's you and your voice.
And the reason Lexus has yet to show anyo... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Rock_Doc_Dicks | We're here today talking about rock doc dicks, which are documentaries about rock stars that make their subjects look like dicks. Let me ask you guys something. When you go to a concert, do you like to hear songs, or do you like to hear sermons about South Africa? Mmm, sermonizing. Well then, I've got the film for you.... |
dropout | if_sex_talk_was_like_office_talk | Something I need to talk to while I schedule a live? Yes, we'll interface somewhere else so we don't inconvenience you.
Sure. Please grab my hair at your earliest convenience. No problem. I'll do that ASAP. Checking in about nipples? Oh, here they are. Sorry for the delay. Cheers, thanks.
Just wanted to run an anal u... |
TheOnion | tidal_pools_nature_s_putrid_sewers_horrifying_planet_ep_3 | The intertidal zones of the Earth's oceans teem with life. Literal cesspools, tidal pools fill and refill with the ocean's putrid waste as it is sucked up from the sea floor. They are truly Earth's sewers. Tides are caused by the Moon. The Moon's gravitational pull also sucks up the faeces and urine of the ocean floor,... |
TheOnion | Study_Finds_It_Statistically_Impossible_That_Your_Mom_The_Best_Mom_In_The_World | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is the Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I'm about to blow my whole news wad right here and now. Here are today's top stories.
President Trump is accusing New York of padding the state's coronavirus mortality rate by including African-American deaths. Trump dismissed the latest... |
cracked | temp_b | It's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and to recap, it's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm glad we got that straight.
Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant in news that comes as a shock to absolutely no one famil... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_guy_named_ethan_on_the_2024_oscars_snubs_snl | Well, Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday and many critics have been breaking down the first-time nominees and surprise snubs. here to comment is a guy named Ethan. hey, Colin. thanks so much for having me. I'm Ethan. hi, Ethan. so do you work for the Oscars or something? No, I could, but I actually started my ... |
dropout | what_social_anxiety_feels_like | The doctors said it was just a bizarre case of shingles. Wow, that's terrible.
I know. I'm gonna go refill that ice.
No, no, no. Stop bringing up your sad shingle story. Oh no. Anxiety? Why are you here? I really wanted to go to this party alone. And now you're just standing here. Get your phone out.
Look busy. What... |
cracked | every_hand_shaker_s_worst_fear | Oh my gosh, Pete Tompkins! I haven't seen this guy for like four years! Hey dude, what's going on? I think I know you. You were the bestest of friends! Come in here for a hug.
What's his name? Bill? Ted?
No, that's a movie. Come on buddy, what are you doing? What are you doing?
You trying to hug me? Put the other ar... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_chloe_fineman_s_save_the_last_dance_holiday_gift_snl | Well guys, the holidays are coming up here with some intimate gift ideas for that special someone is our very own Chloe Fineman Hi, Chloe. what are you doing in front of the desk? Well, I only have one sexy gift idea and I kind of have to demonstrate it. Oh okay, well, I'm curious. Gift you can give your partner is try... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_aa_meeting_snl | And That's when I looked in the mirror and I didn't even see myself anymore. I Saw a guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze, but I'm grateful for 90 days with no drink. Thank You so much, Spencer. All Right, who else would like to share? Now, Jesse, how about you? You've been coming for a while ... |
TheOnion | u_s_turns_to_the_makers_of_foul_tasting_but_successful_zico_coconut_water_to_turn_economy_around | Let's get to our top story in Washington today. Looking to jumpstart the country's fiscal recovery, President Obama has turned America's economy over to Blake Morris, the man in charge of Zika coconut water. The president agrees that it basically tastes like ball sweat, but you can't deny the simple fact that this stuf... |
SaturdayNightLive | bad_guys_good_conversation_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Bad Guys and Good Conversation, a show that proves that obscure movie. Bad Guys also have interesting things to say. I'm your host, Johnny Lawrence, from Karate Kid. and joining me on the panel today are some of my favorite bad guys. from Die Hard, Criminal Mastermind, Hans Gruber. it's a pleasure to be here... |
CrackerMilk | how_girls_waste_their_money | Hey babe.
Oh! What? Oh!
My face. Yeah. No, I just had a facial. They just get like this implement. It's like long and it's the head is like kind of square and they just tenderize the flesh. They just whack your face a lot and then that creates trauma to the skin and that increases cell turnover and collagen and stuff... |
SaturdayNightLive | nelson_s_baby_toupees_snl | The first months of a child's life are a special time. as your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, this baby, and millions of other male babies just like him, spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile b... |
cracked | tidal_by_jay_z_beyonce_rihanna_cracked_responds | Guys, there's a new music streaming service called Tidal. It's a service sort of like Google Play or Pandora or Spotify.
There's not a free version, but it's $10 to get it and $20 to get a nicer version. And so the people behind it made a video about why they want their $20. I figured we could try to find out.
Do the... |
CrackerMilk | when_she_can_t_afford_rent | How much do I owe you for rent again? $800. I just don't have a lot of Money at the moment. Is there something else that I could give you? instead No, I'd probably just like the money. Could I interest you in? One tip. I'd really just appreciate the rent money.
There's so much surface area, you know so many options I ... |
dropout | just_pretend_it_s_a_laser | For the Crystal Gems, for the Crystal Skull, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us for this episode, we have Jordan Dahl, John Gutierrez, and Maggie Mayfish. Hi. Alright, well Jordan, you've played with... |
TheOnion | Will_Season_Four_Of_Downton_Abbey_Finally_Show_The_Wizards_Using_Their_Powers | Will Season 4 of Downton Abbey finally show the wizards using their magical powers? Hardcore fans of the series certainly hope so. The popular drama, which follows the lives of a castle of wizards who dress in extravagant magic clothes and speak with wizard accents, has been, surprisingly, magic-free so far. But critic... |
dropout | the_social_media_version_of_your_ex_girlfriend | So, you guys excited for the big game coming up? Yes, I can't wait to cheer for the home team. Home team, home team, home team.
What's her on? The social media version of my ex just walked in. Oh, that's her ex? Worse, it's the social media version of my ex. It's the version I scroll past on Facebook or I see on Insta... |
cracked | rainn_wilson_is_sick_of_office_fans_jell_o_pranks | Much like his character on The Office, Rainn Wilson is getting sick and tired of these jello pranks. It all started for Wilson on the very first episode of the American Office when his character Dwight Schrute was pranked by desk neighbor Jim Halpert with a stapler swallowed by gelatin. But the prank has followed him e... |
dropout | monopoly_man_goes_bankrupt | No, no, no, this can't be happening! Who are you? What are you doing here?
Repo Man, you can't pay the bills on this stuff so it all goes back! No, don't take the boot! Take the iron! Nobody ever uses that one! Goodbye, loser!
Where are you going? I'm not bankrupt yet! I can still sell this hotel for half its value! ... |
cracked | how_vanilla_ice_and_ice_ice_baby_invented_modern_hip_hop_junk_history | Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Junk History, the show where I dig through the past for all the CDs, collector cups, action figures, Happy Meal toys, and all the rest of the stupid bullsh** you were too embarrassed to continue to keep in your house and explain why it's culturally significant and why y... |
cracked | worst_celebrity_obituary_ever_written | That's a shame. Jesus Christ. Name the movie quote. What? Wrong. Babe. The rooster for babe during that one part. I also would have accepted Animal Farm. Hook. I think.
KFC commercials. Just a regular farm. Was Mighty Joe young a rooster?
What the hell are you doing here? It's seven in the morning. I've been here a c... |
cracked | 6_popular_survival_tips_that_will_get_you_killed | Hello the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I think we can agree that survival trainings for crazy people who call their houses compounds and know the expiration date of every different gasoline blend. If you're like me, most of wh... |
dropout | go_to_sleep | Hi, I'm Dan from College Humor, and I'm here to tell you, yes, you, the person watching this video, to go to sleep. What? You heard me, internet viewer. Go to sleep. It's late, but instead of letting sweet slumber wrap you in its warm embrace, you're staring at a computer screen. And you probably do this every night. W... |
dropout | secret_girl_language_with_ashley_benson | I've been looking forward to this all week. It's Monday.
Oh yeah, I know.
I start my weeks on Thursday so that way Monday goes like Friday.
It makes sense.
Um, don't look now, but those guys behind us, the ones without the goatees, they're totally coming over here.
Oh my god, they are so cute.
Okay, so like if yo... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_237_Hobba_Hing | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, it's a wonderful time of the year, I hope you're enjoying yourselves, you're with family and friends and colleagues and HR you know.
It's the silly season, it kicks... |
TheOnion | Guy_With_10_000_Tweets_15_Followers_About_Ready_To_Hang_It_Up | Shortly after posting for the 10,000th time on his Twitter account earlier today, despite only ever accumulating 15 followers, local man Aaron Gartner announced he's about ready to quit the popular microblogging site. Well, I opened my account about two years ago and tweeted pretty much every day since, and it didn't r... |
Wizards_with_Guns | g_is_for_jesus | No, no, I remember when I was deep in the junglers a papa low one Kayina a little boy came up He little jungle boy and he said I'm so hungry got a piece of bread. I've got a grain of rice like anything I saw do you one better? Here's a Bible That's good. You learn about God. No, you eat it. He ate the Bible eat a hole ... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_clueless | I don't know why Dion's going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them, and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you. Ew! Get off of me! Ugh, as if!
Clueless, Amy Heckerling's film about sometimes being inside of a car, is a bonafide classi... |
dropout | why_wrestling_fans_hate_wrestling | Hey man. Hey. How was your weekend?
Eh, it was dumb. One of my friends wanted to watch for wrestling. Oh my god, that stuff is terrible. I can't handle it anymore. The acting is so bad. Roman Reigns can barely put together a sentence. It's so fake. Big Show doesn't know how to sell. Honestly, I feel embarrassed for th... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Undemanded_Sequels | Today we want to talk about undemanded sequels. Sequels to films that you didn't even know had sequels that often have a tangential, at best, connection to the movies that inspired them. I want to start with one of the more egregious examples I know, which is The Cell II, the sequel to the 2000 thriller The Cell, starr... |
dropout | why_the_moon_landing_couldn_t_have_been_faked_adam_ruins_everything | Okay, explain it to me one more time. Why do you think the moon landing was faked? We're both skeptics, right? So think about it skeptically. There's no way NASA had the technology to go to the moon. They just filmed it on the sound stage. That would have been way easier. Yeah, that's what conspiracy theorists think. B... |
dropout | sushi_express_the_food_startup_destined_to_fail_very_soon | go haven't we all been there waiting for the sushi bar to open waiting to be seated waiting for your order to come you even have to wait for your check I love eating sushi but this is too hard to do thankfully here at Jasper and Chester we've solved this problem permanently with sushi Express for the first time in huma... |
CrackerMilk | the_date_cop | I was lying about what six inches was. Yeah, that was... Oh, no worries. I've got this. It's okay. Oh, no, no, no. I'll pay for half. Okay.
Sorry, what? What?
I said I'd pay for half. Yeah, that's great. Thank you. That'll help a lot. Good evening. Sorry to bother you.
Um, I have had some reports that a date is goin... |
dropout | why_can_t_there_be_a_black_stormtrooper | There I've got siphon an imperial stormtrooper wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what that's not a stormtrooper look again No, no, I'm pretty sure it's a stormtrooper check out his armor. Yeah. Yeah, but look at his uh the um the rest of him oh Dude come on that's racist no no it's not racist. I'm just sayin... |
dropout | Just_One_Sec | Hey guys! Just thought I would do a little check-in with everyone, you know, see how y'all are doing after the layoffs. Um, not- Yeah, we're doing great.
There's a death emmit!
I love going outside. I'm bringing the new bed.
Yeah, totally! Yeah, aside from all that. Oh yeah, I'm doing alright. It's doing everything ... |
cracked | 5_eerily_accurate_predictions_made_in_demolition_man_today_s_topic | Boy, Demolition Man got so many things right. Uh, I'm actually leaving for the day, it's uh, my niece's quinceanera, so. Tomorrow. Demolition Man. Yeah, no worries. Boy, Demolition Man got so many things right.
Not from an efficiency of storytelling perspective. Okay, you're making a movie about two guys fighting in t... |
cracked | 1_7_08_news_on_cracked_sears_fat_kids_primaries_justine | It's Monday, January 7th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm tracked in an echo chamber. Sears faces widespread criticism after privacy groups revealed that Sears.com places spyware on its customers' computers to monitor their activities without clearly disclosing its actions. We here at t... |
TheOnion | Samsung_Releases_New_Big_Fucking_TV | Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald's is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure. Millions have already watched this program, and because you're a spineless sheep, you're also going along for the ride. This is the Onion Week in Review. This Wednesday, Sa... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_season_49_bloopers_part_1 | I think they're maybe. blue for real. why don't you take one apple? only mark. ugh. fail. just redo it. just dune from the start. I choose you. Oh, I broke it. whoa. the moonwalk? God, dude. you're making a mess. we didn't yell at you when you spilled that little cup of water yesterday. you did? I'm like, what? three p... |
Wizards_with_Guns | mega_billionaire_can_t_relate_to_his_millionaire_friends_ | Ha ha ha! And then I said, Guest house? Don't you mean guest mansion? and he said, No... Guest room!
No! Poor! Classic poor people! How quaint! Quite! Oh! This poor I once knew! Yeah?
He-he kept bumping his head on the chandeliers of his trampoline wing Oh! So he raised the ceilings instead of, oh I don't know, lower... |
TheOnion | Google_Shuts_Down_Gmail_For_Two_Hours_To_Show_Its_Immense_Power | Steal your nerves, you're about to get hit with the NewsBlitz. Our frontline story this hour, in Baltimore, the streets have gotten safer thanks to the success of the new permanent daylight initiative, which aims to prevent crime by illuminating the entire city 24 hours a day using over 350,000 high-powered floodlights... |
cracked | why_speed_dating_is_terrible_people_watching_1 | So tell me about yourself, I'm really lonely, but I'm worried the more desperate you are the less attractive that makes you So it's kind of a Yeah So where did you grow up? Hey, how's it going never really done this kind of thing before I have I've done a way too many goddamn times I'm about at the point where I want t... |
TheOnion | Internet_Scam_Alert_Most_Kickstarter_Projects_Just_Useless_Crap | Cyber alert. An insidious new internet scam called Kickstarter has already conned thousands of unsuspecting victims into donating money to so-called important personal projects that are in actuality just terrible useless garbage. Here's how it works. A perpetrator sends out an email leading victims to a Kickstarter pag... |
dropout | might_as_well_face_it_you_re_addicted_to_likes | Doved alone, swiping off your iPhone 4 You post a status, you're feeling numb Until you see that little thumb A mound of lights Isn't that great, maybe it was Posted too late, then come the lights They start to stack, if you're a junkie This is your crack Whoa, you post a pic of yourself, and it's a little white Postin... |
cracked | 4_reasons_you_re_going_to_hate_the_new_mike_myers_movie | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Although last week's show on Kid Rock was our most successful, some viewers complained that I was getting too worked up over a silly video clip. So this week I'm kicking back with the trailer to The Love Guru, the new Mike Myers movie. I mean, that should be good, right? I like Austin Powers... |
dropout | Adam_and_Eve_Broach_an_Open_Relationship_Make_Some_Noise_Full_Episode | Tonight, one of those lizards that can run across water, it's Zach Ho-Yama! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Confidently going to the wrong podium, it's Jacob Wysocki! Hey, man, just going to my normal spot. And trying to explain to a stranger that they have the wrong podium, it's Vic McAlice!
What's up, man? Hey, how you doing? H... |
cracked | why_you_should_think_twice_before_sending_a_dick_pic | Hey man, I need the half of your cable. What the hell? Fucking knock, man! Are you taking a picture of your flaccid dick in your sweatpants? That's my personal business! Why? What are you thinking?
I mean, it's completely in shadow. You're hiding inside of your sweats.
You're doing you and your dick no favors here. U... |
ClickHole | all_religions_are_beautiful | In a world full of chaos, my faith helps me find order and clarity. My religion teaches me discipline and self-reflection. I consider my faith essential to living a fulfilling life. The picture of a horse created the universe. I am so grateful to the picture of a horse for all the blessings of my life. When I practice ... |
dropout | janie_stolar_and_katie_marovitch_on_elizabeth_swaney | Hello, and welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame. We have another very, very special episode today, and Katie's just frozen staring at me. Okay. Today, as you can see, we have the wonderful Janie Stoller. Hello. And we have the incredible Katie Maravich. And today, I will be digging back into my own vault and telling them abou... |
TheOnion | Peyton_Manning_Says_He_Will_Play_In_Colts_Opener_After_Performing_Neck_Surgery_On_Self | I hear pro surfer Kelly Slater and I expect to see a gorgeous toned woman with legs like bronze dolphins and nipples like jewelry. That's some grindball.
Kenny, you just contribute nothing to this conversation. Okay, okay.
Colts fans feared the worst about their beloved Peyton, but some good news today. Manning says ... |
dropout | animated_drunk_dial | Hey, this is Emily. Leave a message. You know, Emily, it's your ex-boyfriend. It's a big dog. Arf arf. I know you just don't want to hear from me because I drink too much.
Well, I changed. I've changed. I went into a Metamorphosis cocoon and I came out a butterfly. I'm sober. Not currently now, but I'm not drinking as... |
cracked | the_most_thought_ever_put_into_a_terrible_nickname | There he is. It's about time, Mr. Late. I'm 20 minutes late. The best you could come up with is Mr. Late. We voted, then Vito, then voted, no Vito.
So it's stuck. Did it? Must it?
It truly was a great meeting. But now it's over. Yeah, meeting's way over, Chris.
In all seriousness, you are very late to the meeting. M... |
cracked | 4_movies_that_are_horrifying_from_another_character_s_pov_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | First conceptualized by Joseph Campbell, the template of the hero's journey shows up in every sci-fi or adventure setting you pretended to occupy as a child. You got your call to adventure, supernatural aid, belly of the whale, road of trials, the meeting with the goddess, and the blowing of the Death Star. That's a fi... |
TheOnion | Ex_Pedophile_Shares_Tips_On_How_To_Make_Your_Kids_Less_Attractive | Every parent's worst nightmare, of course, is if their child falls victim to a sexual predator. But it's hard to know how to keep your kids safe. Yeah, it is. But today we're gonna get some insider tips from a child safety expert and ex-pedophile, Terry Parker.
Welcome to the show, Terry. Hi, Jim and Tracy. Thanks for... |
dropout | the_six_girls_you_ll_see_back_home | This is you. This is you visiting your family for the holidays. This is you 10 minutes later. It's time to go out for a bit.
She always thought you were a little creepy in high school. You don't know why. But happy ending. Turns out minors can't actually request restraining orders. Things will be different this time.
... |
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