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CrackerMilk | funzone_with_elias | Hello boys and girls and welcome to the fun zone with Elias. Today we're going to be learning lots of new things.
Do you hear that? That sounds like a dinosaur or it could be a carnivore and carnivores can eat us. Did you know not all dinosaurs are carnivores? Some are herbivores. Roar!
Oh no it's Dan the dinosaur. G... |
TheOnion | Nation_s_First_Boombox_Carrying_Rollerskating_Congressman_Broke_Boundaries | He was on this day in 1982 that the first roller-skating wall carrying a boombox member of Congress was elected when James Sugar Boots Franklin narrowly won New York's eighth congressional seat. Franklin's victory was a watershed moment at the time, signaling that America's burgeoning population of boombox-carrying rol... |
cracked | 5_fan_theories_better_than_the_actual_movie_star_wars_harry_potter | Bye, clever fan theories. Vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal, but he shall have power. The Dark Lord knows no more. Come, shiver! 14 years ago, a death eater named Bellatrix Lestrange used a cruciatus curse on my parents.
Hi, guys. Hi, Neville. Can you hear me, Morpheus? I... |
dropout | the_7_impressions_dudes_always_do | Yeah, so that was when I realized my gambling hobby had become a gambling problem. And why you were my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics. Anyway, it was a really difficult... Shh, quiet. You know, I looked into the soul of a boy next to him. Oh no. Your mortality threw my work. I won a gate if I'm not dying.... |
cracked | the_terrifying_cinderella_transformation_everyone_forgets_disney_parody | So, that old woman, godmother, she gave Cinderella a new dress, and who was she again? Stranger. As far as I can tell, complete stranger. I have never seen her before.
I mean, it's a nice dress. A very nice dress. That would have been nice, right there.
But then, she turned us into... I know. I. KNOW. Half an hour ag... |
dropout | barely_tamed_grizzly_a_sexy_shapeshifter_hunts_for_his_mate | Hello, and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess Ross, with me as sometimes is my special guest host, Jamie. Hi!
So nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. So excited.
I have two erotic books under my belt, so I'm an expert. Whoa, holy ... |
dropout | super_bowl_ice_breakers | The pass is incomplete and it'll be third down. In the meantime, let's meet the Rams offense.
Goofy, Gay Matthews, Yukon. Oh hey, Yukon.
Do you know Lamar Butler? Big guy, really funny. Lamar Butler?
Yeah. What's his major? Sociology. Oh no, I wasn't communications. Oh yeah, he had a scar right by his left ear. I do... |
TheOnion | NASA_Simulator_Preps_Astronauts_For_Larry_King_Interview | Astronaut Travis O'Brien recently returned from an 18-month mission in outer space but his biggest task is still ahead of him because on Friday he will face his first Larry King interview. That's right. And for those of you who don't know, Larry King is one of the most mentally and physically demanding challenges astro... |
cracked | when_real_life_interferes_with_fantasy_football | You are so lucky. Another anonymous post on the message board blowing up a trade I was trying to make. Oh. Football stuff. Yay. Selling Walker buying Cruise.
Soren's team sucks. Contrary to what Soren the Sore would have you believe.
Are we reading the internet to each other? Your mouth is moving along with the post ... |
TheOnion | Did_Media_Treat_Bachmann_Unfairly_Because_She_s_An_Insane_Woman | Michelle Bachman today implied that the media's coverage of her campaign is sexist. The candidate told a rally in New Hampshire that she believes that as a crazy woman, she's had to deal with scrutiny she would not face if she were a crazy man. Let's ask our first responders and see what they think. Joining us today, w... |
dropout | iron_man_2_alternate_takes | Give me a smooch for good luck. I might not make it back Go get him boss. You complete me. I might not make it back Go get him boss.
What what why would you do that? I need that I I just kind of thought you'd jump out and get it. Oh you did. That's dangerous. I don't think you get it Okay, I need that to see when I fl... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Chaos_Continues_Australia_s_Big_Realisation_Some_Perfect_Timing_More_March_4 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin, there's a fucking lot going on in the world, there's Mardi Gras happening in Sydney, Queensland, see how these Queensland is equally as wet? And Stan Grant is stomping all over free... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Pet_Sematary | There's a place rage deep in the woods beyond the Pet Sematary. It brings things back. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Pet Sematary, an adaptation of Stephen King's horror classic about a doctor who unwisely uses supernatural means to resurrect his child in a film that ... |
dropout | other_ways_to_say_netflix_and_chill | Girl problems? Hm? Trying to find the perfect line to get her to come over, right? What? Yeah, I know. I get what you're saying. You want to keep it casual, but you want to make sure that she knows what's going on. You want Netflix and chill. Right? What are you talking about? You know, like a little hulu and hang, rig... |
SaturdayNightLive | joe_franklin_show_1_saturday_night_live | Well, a good good evening my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin coming to you for a very good friends. Our sponsors Hoffman Beverages Matzas by Strights for the unleavened experience of a lifetime. Martin Paints, Martin Paints and Ain't Just Paints and joining us today proudly a new sponsor called By By Hair. It is ... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_creep_snl_digital_short | Haha, you. Hi, I'm John Waters, and this is the Creep. I was six years old when I started creeping. my parents took it to their room and I started peeping. you can't imagine their surprise when they lifted their heads. it's all my little ass creeping at the foot of the bed. Didn't know I was a creep since the day I was... |
TheOnion | Children_Exposed_To_Porn_May_Expect_Sex_To_Be_Enjoyable | I'm Juliana Makanis, filling in for Clifford Banes, who wants you to know that he's super sorry but he just couldn't make it in today due to a bunch of stuff that he'll tell you about later.
A new study has found children who watch pornography are more likely to believe sex is exciting and enjoyable. Is pornography wa... |
dropout | animated_sex_questions_featuring_the_cast_of_the_to_do_list | Can it be a threesome? Yes. Penelope Cruz and Jeff Goldblum in like a cave at the bottom of the ocean. But Jeff Goldblum would be like a half-merman. And Penelope Cruz, she'd be like kind of hungry, and like kind of bitchy, like low blood sugary. And Jeff Goldblum, he'd be like kind of noticing things on the cave wall ... |
ClickHole | watch_man_sees_his_family_for_first_time_after_27_years_holding_his_hand_over_his_eyes | Okay, Dan. Now, I'm almost ready to bring your hand down from your eyes and you'll be able to see. Ready as I'll ever be. It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be okay. You're doing great, Dan. Here we go.
Oh my God. I've lived for nearly 30 years with my hand over my eyes. And for most of that time, I thought, I'll ne... |
cracked | kevin_from_the_office_found_himself_in_the_middle_of_the_kendrick_lamar_drake_beef | When Baumgartner agreed to appear in the music video for the single First Person Shooter by Drake featuring J. Cole, he had no way of knowing that he had unintentionally picked a side in a pop culture war between Drake and Kendrick Lamar that still rages to this day. But in a recent interview with Salon, Baumgartner ap... |
cracked | 4_ways_weathermen_are_useless_an_inside_look | Hi, I'm Alex. Hello from sunny Los Angeles, a place too cool to have weather or water. Anyway, I'm not a stinking Californian, I'm from Chicago.
So I remember transitory experiences like snow and tsunamis and feelings, and my daily information about most of those things once came from weathermen. Obviously it's now th... |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Season_3_Trailer | Before we get started, how well do you think you all know each other? How well do you think you all know each other?
Unfortunately, pretty well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No! Oh, no. Oh, no. Who threw up at Paris Hilton's house? You're sounding more and more suspicious. Who slept with their teacher? I'm sex positive. I'm sor... |
dropout | Every_Troopers_Animated_Ever_Full_Series | Oh, God. What's up? Oh, it's just you remember Devon from high school? Devon 11 with the extra finger?
Yeah, it turns out he's a concert pianist now.
God, social media is the worst. Quick, fake a picture of me looking cool in battle.
Mm-hmm. Compare and despair, man. Huh? Compare and despair.
You can't compare your... |
cracked | elon_s_blue_check_madness_explained | Last week, everyone's favorite egotistical billionaire took away verified check marks for anyone who didn't opt in to Twitter Blue. Yeah, no one wants to pay eight bucks a month for that, dude. But then he mysteriously gave them back to certain celebrities and public figures. I can't believe he went U2 mode. He gave a ... |
TheOnion | Congresswoman_Says_Botched_Plastic_Surgery_Most_Important_Issue_Facing_U_S_ | I rise today in support of the Hold Doctors Accountable Act, which would crack down on unlicensed plastic surgeons in America. These medical charlatans prey upon hardworking Americans, millions of regular, everyday folk who just need a tweet here or there to finally look beautiful. HR 7652 provides special funding for ... |
cracked | 4_things_you_see_on_the_internet_every_april_fools_day | Well, it's the day before April Fool's Day. April Fool's! It's April Fool's Day! We got you good! Ugh! Anyway, that's our April Fool's prank, though. It's not really a prank, as much as it is a lie, which is pretty much what you'll see all day everywhere on the internet today.
Whether it's a legitimate news source say... |
cracked | why_the_new_team_dynamic_sucks_in_guardians_of_the_galaxy_vol_3_cinemistakes | What's up everybody. This is your voice Stephen Spielberg. The host of Remember Mistakes, the show where we take some virulence, hottest films and we absolutely skewer them. And then we're making a sound going hot s-ssssss.
Today we are doing Guardians of the Galaxy 3. And a lot of people were saying oh Stephen you ca... |
TheOnion | Scientists_Find_Skeleton_Of_Nature_s_First_Sexual_Predator | The scientific community is buzzing following the announcement that archeologists in Argentina have uncovered the first complete skeleton of the world's oldest sexual predator. According to the team of archeologists, the discovery of a full skeleton of Pravatosaurus leerae, the first dinosaur species known to stalk ano... |
dropout | the_nightmare_after_the_fifth_element | From Sarlacc to Snorlax, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Zach Oyama. Hello. I'm hoping to get second place. That would be great. And Kirk D'Amato, Konbanwa, and Sam Basher. I'm very... |
dropout | camp_archery | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2013 Camp Wanakaka archery tournament. Before you stand, our brave competitors, who have volunteered to showcase their skills, I will introduce to you... I've heard enough. You thought you could have the 2K13 archery competition without me. Did you, Mitch?
Well, actually, we're sti... |
dropout | when_your_uber_driver_takes_a_personal_call_hot_date | Hey, fam. Help yourself to some bottled water or loose junior mints. Where are we headed tonight? Board Game Night. I'm introducing the love of my life to my friends. Oh, baby.
No, I mean where? You didn't input your destination. Oh, uh, 22 West 5th Street.
Alright. You guys hear about this Middle East stuff? It's pr... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Money_Saving_Campaign_Well_Deserved_Rewards_Wasted_Time_More_August_26 | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Weekly News Bulletin, hope it's been an alright week. It's been a very busy week here in the newsroom.
For myself, Wendell Hussey and Euphemia Bateman, who joins me in the Desert Rock FM studios. How are you travelling? Really well, but counting down the hours until I can have a glass o... |
programmersarealsohuman | using_the_internet_for_the_2nd_time_startups_news_websites | Also these are sponsored, so they aren't even written by the educated journalists from this magazine. So this is just talking about hot tubs.
Oh man. Where the internet of things meets web through.
Hi everyone, I'm back like Arnold.
This video is going to be very long and boring. The cameraman is going to edit this ... |
TheOnion | Sex_In_A_Bottle_Sex_House_Ep_7 | Welcome to Sex House! Fly! The Sex House is now much more beautiful. Another day more warmth and smoothness to feel on my skin. I love little frogs. They remind me of my mom and my dad and my suicide brother. Have sex, froggies!
That's what America wants to see. We were in the kitchen feeling all of the yellow lines. ... |
TheOnion | Should_The_Government_Stop_Dumping_Money_Into_A_Giant_Hole | I'm Juliana Mccaddis filling in for Clifford Bains, who messed with the wrong people and got himself involved in some serious shit.
With all economic factors indicating the U.S. is heading for a prolonged recession, some experts are suggesting that the government should stop dumping all of our money into an enormous h... |
dropout | i_heart_showalter | Christ, can we just take the thing fucking line by line? It is hard to do this. When you're always saying, oh, let's change this. Let's do this.
Everybody's doing a different fucking thing. You're shooting something. He's standing here. I don't know what the fuck he's doing.
I think we're being very efficient, actual... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_pete_davidson_aidy_bryant_bowen_yang_and_alex_moffat_snl | Well, at last year's finale, it seemed like Covid was fading, and I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer's hottest Std is Monkey Pox. that's how weird and bad things have gotten. the stock market is crashing. the war in Europe, everyone on this is Us is about to croak. the future is looki... |
SaturdayNightLive | ronald_reagan_schemes_with_sammy_davis_jr_snl | Is Mr. Davis Jr. here yet, Ms. Smathers? Yes, he is, Mr. President. Well, send him in. I can't, sir. the metal detector rejected his jewelry. Well, I'll take the chance. Yes, sir. thank you.
Sammy! hey. Sammy, great to see you. and about she can't, she can't.
Man, I got to tell you, babe, what a thrill it is to be he... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_liam_saturday_night_live | Republicans criticized President Obama this week for not releasing the strategic oil reserves to help lower the escalating oil prices. Here to comment on Obama's oil policy is Liam, the teenager who just woke up.
Hey, Liam, how's it going? I just woke up. yeah. yeah, I can see that. So, buddy, what do you think of the... |
dropout | hardly_working_suck_it_out | Oh man, sandwiches are amazing. What's your favorite part?
I don't know, the bread? Um, yeah.
My debt of jeans! Oh, here, take my handkerchief.
No, no, no, the stain is starting to sell. You're gonna have to suck it out.
What?
No, just here, take, dab it in some club soda. I have a canister of it right here.
No, ... |
cracked | how_to_know_if_a_girl_is_dtf_down_to_f_ck | Hello friends! Cracked writer-performer Katie Stoll here. Today I am introducing a new segment called Ask Katie Where I Choose a Subject, declare myself an expert on it, and then field your questions. To kick things off, we are tackling that age-old stumper, how to know if a girl is f***ing too f***. I can already feel... |
dropout | gale_beggy_sleepover | Oh my god I love this nail polish color. I know. Oh my god. I'm so sorry I'm late. I had to do something with my calendars. There's the queen of the party.
Tanya, don't even. So what do you guys want to do? I was thinking we could all tell scary stories. No! He stabbed me!
Okay, my sexy confession. When I was with Da... |
TheOnion | Area_Man_Panics_After_Accidentally_Liking_381_Of_His_Ex_Girlfriend_s_Facebook_Photos | Shortly after accidentally clicking like on nearly 400 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos earlier today, panicked area man Adam Nuensing spoke to Onion reporters about his mistake. God damn it, I was just looking at one of Rebecca's Instagram photos that showed up on my newsfeed, and the next thing I know, I just l... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_three_normal_goths_snl | What are you guys up to this weekend? I am taking my fiance apple picking. really exciting. Oh, the old Ball and Chain. Lovely. Meanwhile, I'm over here going on a date with my Netflix account.
Oh, my God. you, Ben Marshall, take Ozark Season Four as your lawfully wedded wife. I do, I do. this is a joke. Yeah, and we'... |
SaturdayNightLive | maya_rudolph_mother_s_day_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Maya Rudolph! So good to be back, And for the Mother's Day episode of that. for me, it's extra special because I am a four-time mom. that's right, I have four beautiful kids. that I know of. Hey, Maya. hi, all. Hi, Mom and Sierra. hey, guys. we just wanted to say happy Mother's Day. Aw, thank you.... |
dropout | the_truth_about_ancient_gladiators_adam_ruins_everything | The Colosseum. It was in this vaunted arena that the masses satisfied their bloodlust as they watched lethal and skilled gladiators fight to the death. As slaves or prisoners of war, these gladiators were forced into battle and had but one choice win or die. Sometimes the only hope of a fallen gladiator lie in the whim... |
cracked | ghost_file_05_faceboooook | Michael turn on your computer and put the little arrow on the fox. I need to show you something This is about Sarge's email Sarge emailed us. He wants us to oh You check your email now. Yeah on my phone my big Desk phone the phone that's right in front computer Great he wants us to create a Facebook page for cracked fa... |
cracked | 8_things_that_pissed_me_off_about_the_foxnews_fatcops_report | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be counting down the eight things that pissed me off in Neil Cavuto's report on the LAPD's decision to hire a nutritionalist.
As you'll see, for some reason, Neil wanted to turn this fluff piece into a debate. Or maybe he was flirting. Or having a psychotic episode. The folks who... |
dropout | what_s_inside_donald_trump_s_pockets | Hello, I'm Donald Trump, and I'm gonna give you an unprecedented look inside my luxurious pockets. This is a pocket button. It doesn't have the pin on the back, so it goes in my pocket.
It's fantastic. Some people on my staff, who aren't me, have wigs. I enjoy taping them. Call me a people person. I like taking care o... |
cracked | 4_disturbing_pokemon_secrets_nintendo_wants_us_to_forget_about_canonball | Pokemon is the most successful franchise to faithfully follow us from childhood all the way into man-childhood, at least of the ones where the creator didn't make a reputational suicide pact with Dave Chappelle and John Cleese. But that's not because the people behind Pokemon are paragons of sanity, but rather because ... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_dick_cheney_saturday_night_live | And now, an important special address from the President-elect of the United States of America. Hello, America. I'm Dick Cheney. and I am as thrilled as is medically prudent for me to be to have been elected your new Vice President. I come before you tonight to assure every citizen that I will work for you to strengthe... |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Andrew_Luck_Questionable_After_Finding_Out_About_Death | Owner's box brought to you by Lenovo you need a computer to play fantasy football might as well be this one When all your friends are gone and football is all you have left, you know, you're inside the owner's box I'm Perry big well with a special Monday night Perry preview Colts quarterback Andrew Luck is Questionable... |
SaturdayNightLive | espn_s_first_take_nba_snl | To first take Espn's home for the hottest sports takes. I'm Molly Quorum, here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith. Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. This, this right here, this is a good morning. And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins. Stephen, I'm sorry, brother, but you watch, you wrong go... |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_jesus_christ_was_also_the_tooth_fairy | Don't forget to put those teeth under that pillow of yours. You never know who might visit. Dad, don't you think I'm a little too old for the tooth fairy? You never know, sons. Dad, can you just give me the money tomorrow?
Hello. Who are you? I'm Jesus Christ. Okay. Why are you here?
I'm here for your teeth. What? Yo... |
dropout | no_sex_or_go_vegan_for_a_year | Hey, I'm Strudy. This is Amir. We're from CollegeHumor.com. We're here in New York City asking people some axe dirty dilemma questions.
Would you rather go celibate for a year, no sex for a year, or go vegan for a year? The only thing I eat is meat, but I would definitely eat vegetarian for a year. Being that I'm on a... |
dropout | picnicface_lawyers | I take the jobs no other law firms want I'm Larry the sledgero also poverty give you the money take the money is my feed put you back on the streets impotent wanna baby I'll fuck your wife and sue her for adultery you'll get full custody Larry fuck my wife and I got to keep the kid then I got to fuck Larry's wife thank... |
cracked | a_valentine_s_day_parent_teacher_conference | Hey, can we make this quick? I'm on my lunch break. Thanks for coming, Mr. Vesser. I'm sorry for the short notice, but I got a call from Ms. Matheson here, and I thought we should all speak, so thank you.
As you know, the children were making Valentine's Day cards for each other, and some of them were not keeping it w... |
TheOnion | Ho_Ho_Ho_I_Saw_You_Masturbating | Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Season's greetings from your old friend, Santa.
My oh my, Christmas Eve is already upon us and we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. But from the looks of it, we aren't the only ones about to burst.
Mrs. Claus and I and all of our helper elves have been working hard to get all th... |
dropout | the_fresh_prince_of_downton_abbey | Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upstairs down So if you'll come round for tea and just sit right there I'll tell you all about how I became Lord Grantham's heir Do you know the new heir?
His Robert's third cousin was removed In Manchester, England I reside A middle class lawyer with my mum... |
SaturdayNightLive | rude_buddha_saturday_night_live | Over 2,000 years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. he became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side. a side seen only by his closest disciples. these are the tales of Rude Buddha. Rude Buddha, Rude Buddha, Rude Buddha, Rude... |
TheOnion | Kourtney_Kardashian_s_Stunning_Bikini_Body_Washes_Up_On_Shore | Next up, anti-gay groups are condemning Hugh Jackman for putting homosexual thoughts in their heads.
But first, it's bikini season, and Kourtney Kardashian wasted no time unveiling her stunning new beach body this weekend after washing ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu. With more on the deceased starlet's hot summer look, w... |
dropout | looper_has_sex_with_himself | Oh god, this is so hot. Oh yeah, finally I can suck my own dick. Oh yeah, I can't wait to get my dick sucked by me. Well, technically you're gonna suck my dick, so...
What? You didn't think I was gonna do you, did you kid? Oh come on, that is awkward. Why?
Look, I didn't travel 30 years back in time to suck a dick, o... |
SaturdayNightLive | commie_hunting_season_saturday_night_live | It sure is exciting. Uncle Lester, My very first Commie hunt. Well, hell, Jim Bob is the first one they've allowed now in 20 years. I expect I'm ever been as jacked up as you are. Are they easy to spot Uncle Lester?
Well, sometimes they isn't. Sometimes they ain't. If they's demonstrating like commies tend to do, it's... |
SaturdayNightLive | your_mom_talks_to_megan_fox_snl | And now your mom talks to Megan Fox while you finish getting ready. She should be down in a few minutes, Okay, great.
Is it Megan. Or Megan? Megan, Megan? it's Megan.
Oh, okay, so you did. You did the the movie Transforms. Oh, it's actually called Transformers. Oh okay, I only saw the preview for it. Did it get made?... |
dropout | hardly_working_sarah_s_revenge | Yeah, and this one bitch wouldn't shut her pile, right? So I stuck my d**king ass. God damn it. It's like if I wanted someone to talk so much, I'd f**k my own mom.
You know, who cares? It's not like you're going to see him again anyway. Okay, seriously? Who talks like that? I don't know.
Someone's got to take the guy... |
CrackerMilk | dawn_of_the_dad | I'm winking at you, dude. Nah, I can't see it. You gotta take it off. Hey, did you lock the door? Nah, dude. Why would I lock the door, dude? Are you telling me you didn't lock that front door again? When the doors locked, my shock was on a line, dude.
Dude, I can't believe you've done this again, man. You've let anot... |
TheOnion | Jada_Pinkett_Smith_Announces_She_s_Pregnant_With_Chris_Rock_s_Baby | Jada Pinkett Smith just dropped another bombshell, announcing today that she's pregnant with actor and comedian Chris Rock's baby. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Jada revealed the couple has been dating since last year, following the night of Will Smith's infamous slap. Apparently, seeing Chris Rock utter... |
TheOnion | are_we_giving_robots_too_much_power | I'm Juliana MacAdas, filling in for Clifford Banes, who is interviewing a new guest host in his office.
Robots are playing a greater role in our lives than ever before, cleaning our houses, driving our cars. Are we becoming an overly mechanized society? Well, robots are a part of our modern society.
Of course. I mean... |
dropout | you_can_be_terrible_if_you_call_it_self_care | Oh man, I am so glad we decided to get mani-pedis during our lunch hour. Right? Practicing self-care is so important. I mean sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I just am so much more productive if I take a little bit of time to do things that make me feel better. Yeah, totally. Just anything that'll get you through ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gene_shalit_saturday_night_live | A lot of the war coverage that we've seen over the past few weeks have come from reporters embedded in military units. we can update. It's very fortunate to have our own embedded reporter. here with his latest report is Mr. Gene Shalit.
Jimmy, hello Tina. boy, oh boy, things are pretty exciting over here. this is bett... |
SaturdayNightLive | shop_tv_snl | Tv Home shoppers, Dot and Rhett, back live with y'all. Dot and Rhett, I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.
Oh boy, you can be a pill all hour. maybe. Aye, aye, aye. Okay, well, it's five p.m. which means it's time for squeal deals. Ah! Odell, we asked y'all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago. sounds like some... |
dropout | I_m_Getting_a_FaceTime_From_a_Greasy_Little_Puppet_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. It's crazy that Pokemon was popular at the same time Michael Goode went to prison. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't kno... |
dropout | Should_You_Give_Career_Advice | Hey there, and welcome to how to know if you should be giving career advice. If your friend or loved one sent you this video, they are concerned that you might think you should be giving them advice on how to advance in their career, when in actuality you should probably shut up maybe. Here's some hints to guide you. F... |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_reardon_allergy_medication_saturday_night_live | Allergy season is here, and advertisers are inundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert, Collette Reardon. all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? it's a good time to be medicated. good time, good time! You got Allegra, you got T... |
SaturdayNightLive | privolin_saturday_night_live | I was so embarrassed when my doctor diagnosed my genital herpes. Fortunately, there's now a new way to treat my condition. Privalin. nothing can cure genital herpes, but Privalin can help me get on with my life.
Angela! What are you doing? Sorry. sorry, Steve. we're trying to have a very important meeting here, Okay? ... |
ClickHole | things_i_m_tired_of_hearing_people_say_directly_to_my_sunburn | Looks like fun in the sun's not all it's cracked up to be. Who did this to you? Who made you this way? I need you on my wall. Here come my little tiny teeth to nibble off a flake.
So it's true! The sun finally betrayed us! How stupid we were to trust it! My dad had a sunburn like this once. He just ripped it off in on... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Chris_Hemsworth_transformed_for_FURIOSA | Chris I want to talk to you about the physicality of a character because I think it's so fascinating this kind of journey that you take him on of kind of presenting this projection of confidence that kind of evolves or devolves as the character goes on. Can you talk about finding that physicality and embodying it? Yeah... |
TheOnion | Coins_Pen_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Tell us the story behind this. Well, I was dredging near Kranst Beach and I found these.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry. These are coins. Yeah, what are they worth? I'm sorry. No, see, I can't appraise coins. Can't or won't? Look, I have already said more than I should. Please just take these to a coin appraiser before... |
CrackerMilk | trying_to_take_a_call_around_your_friends | Hey Mum. Who are you talking to? Hey, it's me.
How's hospital? Oh, we're in the back of a police car. Help! Did you get the test results? Terminal.
Oh, I'm pulling his hair. No, sorry. That was the neighbour's cat.
Okay, Mum. Here. Wait. Shut up, Mum. I think we're going to have to go. Wait. If you hang up that phon... |
TheOnion | NASA_Announces_Plans_To_Launch_Chimpanzee_Into_Sun | Major news out of NASA today, as the space agency has announced plans to launch a chimpanzee directly into the sun by 2030. We've got the latest on NASA's bold new mission.
To claim your prize, scream, I won, and to your phone right now to hear how you can qualify for a free five-day cruise on the Grand Princess cruis... |
TheOnion | Bloomberg_Defends_NYPD_s_Controversial_Stop_And_Kiss_Program | A policing procedure in New York continues to draw controversy this week as thousands took to the streets to protest the NYPD's Stop and Kiss program. The policy, which allows officers to kiss anyone who they think looks suspicious, has been the subject of criticism from those who say it's a violation of privacy and a ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | sandy_2_lost_in_new_york | So do you think he'll find us here? 330 miles of city, 8.6 million people, 840 miles of railroad, plus we're on the 12th floor, so I'm pretty sure we're... We gotta go.
What? He found us! Is he in there? Dude, he's not even... Alright, uh, we just... Forgot my wallet, okay. What? No!
Sandy!
Okay, we gotta get down t... |
cracked | that_time_conan_o_brien_hung_out_with_john_candy_at_harvard_ | How did college-aged Conan end up spending a day with John Candy? Well, it all began during Conan's childhood when he saw a John Candy sketch on SC-TV.
He was immediately hooked.
A few years later, O'Brien found himself attending Harvard and was instrumental in arranging a visit for John Candy.
In fact, Conan got to... |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Bearded_Robert_Griffin_III_Spotted_Living_In_Houseboat_On_Chesapeake_Bay | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. I'm Barry Bigwell, you're Inside the Owner's Box, and I love you.
This week we are talking about what to do with Robert Griffin III. Griffin owners are left scrambling now that the quarterback has been spott... |
dropout | less_guns_more_punching | The gun situation in America has gotten completely out of control. This is my .50 caliber desert eagle handgun. This is my Stevens 311 DVL shotgun. So today, we're going to present you with a cooler, less horrifically deadly alternative to all them guns.
Punching! A punch is a striking blow with a close fist. If you t... |
dropout | troopers_interrogation | Uh, where are you going? Uh, Dread Lord wants me to interrogate the Princess for the location of the Insurgent Base. The Princess? Nah, I'm gonna be stuck in that tiny cell with her for like hours. You know, Rich, uh, why don't you let me take this one?
You've had a long day. What are you- My shift started three minut... |
dropout | can_you_throw_our_ball_back_ch_shorts | Hey, can you throw a ball back?
It's right there. Oh, yeah, of course.
You know, I never was very athletic. Okay, let's try this again. Oh, boy. I'm not good at this, apparently.
Yeah, I can tell.
Can we have it, though? Okay, maybe someone else can throw it. You're the only person that's around. Come on, just try ... |
dropout | hardly_working_sit_ups | Four. Five. Six. Come on, Dan. Seven. Eight. And nine.
Great work. What are you guys doing? Sit ups? Yeah, but at the top. You're smooching David at the top.
Wow, really? I didn't even notice.
You've been doing exercise for so long, so many times you've developed some bad habits. But, uh, thanks for letting me know.... |
dropout | inside_hillary_s_oval_office_in_360 | Oh, uh-uh. Hey, Bill, get up. Oh, come on, Hillary. I was just taking it for a spin for old time's sake.
No, here. Go to your flute in the corner and think about the economy. Hillary, this is the Oval Office. There are no corners.
And don't stop until I tell ya. You're not the boss of me. No, I'm the boss of everybod... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_megan_s_roommate_saturday_night_live | I'm really excited for movie night. yeah, me too. I'm glad we're finally doing it. I hope you don't mind. I asked my roommate if he wanted to watch with us. is that okay? Oh, yeah, sure. okay.
Hi, Optimus. Megan, I am pleased you have returned. Who is your friend? Oh, Optimus, this is Andy. Andy, this is Optimus. uh, ... |
cracked | 4_child_vloggers_who_make_us_fear_for_their_future_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 29 of Crack TV, where I'm starting to wonder about this itchy merkin. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Animals with Human Heads.
Ah! Oh! Ah! Ooh! No! Oh!
YouTube is chock-a-block with kids whose parents clearly don't know what the internet is.
Otherwise, how do you explai... |
SaturdayNightLive | hr_meeting_snl | Okay everyone, thanks for coming to this mandatory Hr meeting. let's make some noise. Okay, let's start with workplace relationships and generally we discourage it. but of course it happens. So we have a few rules.
Yes, like you can ask a co-worker out once, but if they say no, you cannot ask them again. So wait quest... |
dropout | man_of_the_street_pokemon_fail | This is Paul Laudier and we're doing Man of the Street. Today we're harkening back to the 90's asking people if they could list three Pokemon for a dollar. Uh, let's get started. Hi sir, for a dollar could you list three Pokemon? Do I what?
No. She's not into it. He doesn't have time. He doesn't have time to name thre... |
dropout | the_midnight_ruin_of_paul_revere_with_chris_parnell_adam_ruins_everything | Let us begin with the founding of our nation, the American Revolution. It's the story of honest, faithful George Washington, who led his band of patriots to victory. Come, patriots, fight for liberty, for freedom, for liberty, and cause we hate tea for some reason. Actually, patriots like Paul Revere, whose midnight ri... |
dropout | redneck_superheroes_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
That's right. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
And today we are drawing redneck superheroes. Redneck superheroes inspired inspired from the name of someone who suggested or rather the YouTube name of someone who suggested. Not the... |
dropout | hiiiiiiiiigh_castle | We're all big fans of Amazon's The Man in the High Castle. Who in the what castle? Man in the High Castle. I never watched it before, I just like it in high.
Today, we've decided to combine the two. And this? This? This is...
High Castle. To the Man in the High Castle is a show in which the Axis powers have beaten th... |
dropout | which_of_the_friends_are_you_bad_internet | One, two, three, four, B, L, C. And then you step backwards and you squash the slug with his bare foot and it just like exploded everywhere. It was so cool. So gross.
I'm trying to eat breakfast. No, you're not. I'm just staring at it. What are you, nervous? No, I'm not. Jeez, you're such a brat. Mom, can I have Sarah... |
ClickHole | 7_tips_for_meeting_your_girlfriend_s_parents | Meeting a significant other's parents for the first time is an intimidating moment in any relationship. But if you play your cards right, it can actually be an enjoyable experience. First impressions are everything. So when you meet your girlfriend's parents, introduce yourself as Hollywood leading man Richard Gere, as... |
SaturdayNightLive | lampreys_saturday_night_live | Honey, I just wonder if we're doing the right thing. he loves those little critters so much. I know he's raised them from when they were small, but he's got to understand. they're wild animals.
Hi, Timmy, why don't you have a seat? Your mom and I have something we want to talk to you about. Sure, but first, I better s... |
dropout | tinderella_a_modern_fairy_tale | There once was a beautiful girl who was known to swipe left all day until she found a charming prince who was only a mile away. The prince was none too picky, but this one was out of his league. He'd never seen a maiden so fair plus he hadn't had sex in a week.
And so their courtship did blossom. They planned to meet ... |
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