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dropout | gay_men_will_marry_your_girlfriends | Americans are becoming more comfortable with the idea of gay marriage, seeing it as both a moral and civil rights issue. But there are many out there who are still fighting against the cause. And as gay men ourselves, we would just like to say to those people, Fine, keep marriage between a man and a woman.
And in resp... |
cracked | 6_things_pulp_fiction_secretly_stole_from_a_famous_legend_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, I am Daniel Bryan and welcome to another episode of obsessive pop culture disorder your favorite show on the internet if you are my mom Although I think she's actually more of a Jake and a mere fan.
I don't think Anyway today's episode is But that can't be true According to legend Lancelot came from Fr... |
dropout | how_to_prepare_for_second_puberty | As you approach the monumental age of 30, the awkward transitional period of your life becomes nothing more than a distant memory. Until now. Welcome to Second Puberty, the stage of life when you actually become an adult. You're going to begin to notice some changes, like hair where there wasn't hair before. In your no... |
dropout | were_clark_kent_and_lois_lane_pervs_fans_vs_faves_pt_1 | from Robo to Lobo nerds like a lot of things there's something they love above all else that is correcting people this is um actually joining us today we have Brennan Lee Mulligan get in the comments no no I'm gonna cut this off right now and next thing we have Jess Clevens we have a very special fan contestant for thi... |
dropout | 13_things_you_think_are_true_but_aren_t_adam_ruins_everything | Napoleon wasn't short. He was 5'7", which at the time was taller than average. The rumor that he was a teeny tiny man was just a piece of British war propaganda.
It's not true that humans only use 10% of our brains. No study has ever shown or even claimed that. It's just something people say for no reason. Yeah, it tu... |
dropout | facebook_s_algorithm_is_like_the_mafia | I guess I'll check Facebook. Well, well, well. It's like somebody's checking Facebook, huh? Oh my god, it's the Facebook algorithm. They control everything, the feed, what you see, what you don't see.
What's it do you? Nothing. I deleted my account, I swear. Oh! How much am I doing?
This is a nice place you got here.... |
cracked | why_the_real_life_version_of_rocky_is_more_badass | The Rocky movies tell the story of Rocky Balboa, a Philly boxer going from underdog to champion To Russia puncher. It's a pretty good story and it's based on a real even more incredible this guy Chuck Wepner was a New Jersey liquor salesman who came out of nowhere to fight Muhammad Ali and Then fall back to rock bottom... |
dropout | Tide_CEO_Soap_Isn_t_Medicine | It was very cool of you to come here and do this. Thank you for standing six feet away at all times. God, I need a fucking haircut. Hello again, America. It's me, David Taylor, the CEO of the company that makes Tide and its corollary product, Tide Pods. A couple years ago, I tried to check in with you all to explain wh... |
dropout | hardly_working_troughing | I've had like a cold, like a bad head cold like sneezing, coughing sore throat for the past 40-50 weeks. Are you bragging? What up, Dooders? Hey, Dooder.
You guys mind if I trough this? No. Trough it? Yeah. Oh my God. What? Did we kill Osama? Yeah, like several months ago. I'm talking about how you're eating. You said... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_hippo_snl | Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.
Oh, no. God, was it about that potential writer strike? Uh, no. worse, the geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut-wrenching drama about obesity, so they're shutting the film down. it's a wrap on the hippo. movie's dead... |
cracked | 4_horror_movies_even_scarier_than_you_realized_yboc_get_out_invisible_man | This video is sponsored by NordVPN head over to NordVPN.com slash YVOC to get 68% off the two-year plan in a month free Also, it just really helps the show Hey there nerds. Thanks for stopping by to visit little Dr. Jordan Brady or as they call me in here juice hole Because I'm really good at snaking juice boxes from t... |
dropout | honest_movie_theater_recap | You've been watching our pre-movie entertainment. If you're just joining us, here's what you missed. A fat guy arrived alone and navigated to a seat with a huge bag of popcorn. A guy stood in front of the theater scanning the crowd for his friends while they frantically tried to get his attention. A film nerd talked ab... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_76_alexander_bertrand | Well, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show. You're joined today by myself, Clancy Overall, and editor-at-large, Errol Parker. How are you, Errol? Not bad, Clance. How are you today? Good, mate. Now we're recording live from the back of the Boots studio, as usual. We've got a special guest in here today.
The... |
cracked | why_next_year_s_best_superhero_movie_might_come_from_russia_cracked_responds | How's it going guys? Great. Oh, hi.
So, uh, Russia made a superhero movie and We're gonna watch the trailer right now. Here we go. I don't know. This is America's thing See how this turns out. There are four superheroes that were created by the Soviet Union back in the Cold War But this isn't based off of like a comic... |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_friends_cold_open_supreme_court_confirmation_hearings_snl | And I'm Steve Ducey here on this gorgeous 30-degree spring New York morning. What a hellhole of a city. Brian, how was the weekend? Well, very exciting, Steve.
I got on True Social. Ooh! President Trump's exclusive New social Media platform. yeah, fancy. what's it like? You know, it's funny. I downloaded the app, open... |
cracked | 5_famous_historical_figures_who_were_total_perverts_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and if you could hold a blacklight up to history It would look like this Completely covered in white from the sheer amount of semen and sex juice with that in mind Let's start our list of histor... |
dropout | legalize_weed_so_we_can_stop_talking_about_it | Soon, voters in California will have the choice to legalize marijuana in their state. Legalize it. Make it legal. Legalize marijuana. So that we can stop fucking talking about legalizing marijuana. Legalize it so we can stop having this boring conversation. Is there anything worse than hearing someone lecture you about... |
dropout | How_Politicians_Sound_When_Explaining_COVID_Rules | And now, a message from the mayor's office. Hello, my fellow citizens. As you know, our city has been ravaged by the effects of the coronavirus, and our administration has put together some simple and clear rules for you all to follow. But it's come to my attention that many of you are still confused. So now, clearly a... |
TheOnion | Child_Development_Experts_Say_Boys_Not_Fully_Mature_Until_Avenging_Father_s_Murder | Despite a long-held consensus pointing to the mid-20s as the final stage of brain maturation, a new study has found that the adolescent brain doesn't fully form until boys have avenged their father's murder. New imaging studies suggest that the frontal cortex goes through extensive changes during the period of training... |
cracked | the_red_ranger_curse_power_rangers_lived_fast_and_died_young_canonball | RANGERS! Young actors living fast and dying young is nothing new, but something about the tragedies that have befallen the heroes from Angel Grove High School are especially chilling in aggregate. Of the six actors who played the original Rangers, four of them have had their lives remarkably irrevocably jacked up, and ... |
cracked | the_problem_with_realism_in_modern_video_games_fallout_parody | What time is it? Like three in the afternoon?
We left the Space Monster game on. Fallout! Oh, you better not have saved over my game.
How late were you up last night? Three or four. There were some ignorant dirt farmers just trying to scrape by and it took longer than I expected to strip their house of all valuables.... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tracy_morgan_on_romantic_holiday_gift_ideas_snl | Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan. hey, hey, yo, bro. thanks, Tina. you are looking good as always. and we will talk about that at the party. because you make my heartbeat, girl. Oh, ok. all right. So now it's time to buy Christmas presents for your wife. and you don't have to spe... |
dropout | bad_hostage_negotiator_with_rob_corddry | Sami, listen. I understand, okay? But I need some guarantee to let the hostages go.
She's losing it, Chief. What a nightmare!
Let's get SWAT in place. We might need to move in our own. I wouldn't do that just yet. Savi in enrollment.
Whoa. I read your dissertation on criminal psychology at the academy. So you're the... |
dropout | the_skinny_bitch_diet_menu_hot_date | It's like I wanna order the Double Loaded Gut Bomb Chili Cheese Fry Nachos, but... We have a pool party to go to after this. I guess we could always order from the diet menu. Beyonce doesn't say that. If he liked it, he should have put a platter of grilled onion rings on it. This is degrading. A glam burger on a tight ... |
cracked | 4_disney_movie_villains_who_were_right_all_along_after_hours | Think about Jafar. Brilliant strategist, but he has to obey that befuddled meatball of a sultan with all of his power. And the sultan's hands are so...tiny.
Oh, much like Michael, it just doesn't hold water. F*** off.
Oh, they're a good one. Things weren't bad under the sultan. Life was fine.
Jafar never wanted to m... |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_4 | Welcome back to the 2010 National Elementary School of Turtle Racing Finals. I'm Claude Barker. With me, as always, is Jerome Bettis.
Jerome, who is your money on today? I don't know. The dude with the zits. Olivia? Yeah, you got it. Well, you know, it's interesting that you say that, Jerome, because Olivia appears to... |
dropout | why_net_neutrality_matters_and_what_you_can_do_to_help_adam_ruins_everything | I'm taking you down, Darth Vader. Bruce, I am your father. Hi, I'm Adam. And I'm Emily.
We make funny videos on the internet. But soon, we might not be able to. That's because net neutrality is in jeopardy. Net neutrality is the principle that says that ISPs, you know, these assholes, can't discriminate between differ... |
dropout | bill_nye_as_a_david_bowie_song | What makes a planet a planet Without gravity there'd be no Earth It's a big gravitational party The next secret of the universe You figure out that you can't figure it all out I don't know what a group of squid is called I've spent some time with eagles and hostages Planets and stars are like a big round ball You and I... |
dropout | startup_guys_save_collegehumor | Sam, the website's in trouble. Oh no, that doesn't sound good. Oh no, it is good. Oh really?
Well, that we haven't gone under yet. I had no choice but to bring in some consultants to help us get through this.
Hey, Sam Boone! Come on! Hey! Sam Boone!
Paul, you gotta be kidding me. These guys have no idea what they're... |
TheOnion | Small_Business_Still_Manages_To_Mistreat_Workers_Like_Large_Corporate_Chain | Gilman's Hardware is a local business with a very special story. Although small and family owned, the storefront operation has managed to consistently exploit and debase its workers just as if they were members of a giant multinational corporation. From the moment I started this store six years ago, I wanted to make su... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_dawg_food_snl | Yo, you guys want to order food? you know what, dude? I'm actually, uh. I'm actually okay. I'm doing this meal service thing. Oh, cool. uh, hello, fresh? no, that one was a little tough. I'm on this new one that's, like, pretty simple. like, you don't have to cook at all. really? yeah. what's it called? it's, uh, dog f... |
dropout | Brennan_vs_The_Hobbit_Um_Actually | Between the Shire and the Lonely Mountain, Bilbo and his 13 dwarf companions find at least some members of their party captured by trolls, goblins, spiders, and elves. Despite their almost constant state of captivity, they conclude their journey relatively unscathed.
The only casualty is Thorin, who dies in the Battle... |
TheOnion | Horrific_Wall_Street_Allegations_Reveal_Junior_Bankers_Forced_To_Survive_On_6_800_Per_Week | Japan grants suffrage to female robots, Obama announces he hasn't ruled out taking military action on Congress, and a hypochondriac maple tree is always convinced it has Asian Longhorn beetles. The following two statements are true. The previous statement is false, and this is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, Amer... |
dropout | tmz_2 | Guys, what do we got? I saw tech in a food court in the mall on Thursday. That's it? He's eating nachos! That's what I'm talking about!
Don't tell me. Alan Thicke was at it again? Do you have to ask? I caught the growing pains man on his back porch feeding his bermilla cat with a jumbo and I mean a jumbo bag of cat fo... |
cracked | hacking_the_digg_algorithm | do stuff and, you know, hang out and be caught up. Michael, you got a second? Hold on, one hour. Oh, I'm sorry, were you writing something?
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
About bullets. Are you sure it's about bullets? Are you sure you're not?
Dammit. You killed my article.
Well, the Chief wants us to work on this. Yes. The C... |
dropout | how_prostitutes_settled_the_wild_west_adam_ruins_everything | I need a drink to steady my nerves. Yes, sesperillas all around. What? It's good for psoriasis. No!
Now you come on over my sub, dove. The West is too wild for a frail woman like me. Unhand her, you brute. Hey, what's the big idea? I'm here to defend your honor. You girls are happy. I'm here to defend your honor. You ... |
dropout | hardly_working_cash_booth | Sam, I love College Humor, and I want to stay here, but I've got to be honest with you, I have a really generous offer from 123tomato.com, and I'm considering taking the job. I hear what you're saying. Yes, but what are you actually doing for me?
More time in the cash booth. I really wish we could go back to the old s... |
dropout | apple_coasting_keynote_with_christopher_mcdonald | For over two decades, Apple has been synonymous with innovation. Our track record is unparalleled. The iMac, the iPod, the iPhone, the iPad. We revolutionized the music industry with the iTunes Store. We invented apps for the most profitable and successful company in the world and that's why today Apple is releasing so... |
cracked | stupid_movies_that_are_surprisingly_progressive_after_hours | I'm just saying it's nice to see a movie where We Are Not Objects is written in big f**k off bold letters on a wall. It's refreshing. That pregnant woman kicked ass. You don't see that all the time. Pregnant woman kicking ass.
Junior? Is Arnold's junior count?
I'm not disagreeing with you. What did I miss? I was tink... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_08_banking_royal_commission_interview_with_glenn_the_preference_whisperer_druery | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listeni... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_presents_winter_olympics | Hi, hello. congratulations. thank you. um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you're gonna show us some moves. what? I mean, I played recreational. I don't think I could teach you anything.
I'd love to see something. Oh, I would love to see you try.
I have more than drinking and smoking, and that's hitting the ... |
CrackerMilk | never_ask_if_it_s_her_time_of_the_month | God, don't you just love sport? It's cool when they like, do that.
Connor, can you put the toilet seat down when you're finished, please? Yeah, sorry. And stop pissing all over the floor! It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Jeez, what are you on your period? What? Oh, I think Goob said so- Go on. Say it again, Co... |
TheOnion | AA_Destroying_The_Social_Lives_Of_Thousands_Of_Once_Fun_Americans | I'm Juliana McKenna, filling in for Clifford Banes, who is slowly counting backwards from 100. Every year, thousands of Americans join Alcoholics Anonymous and have their personalities destroyed as a result. Should we be doing more to warn people about the dangers of joining AA? Well, it's time we did something. Every ... |
cracked | the_fake_military_operation_that_won_ww2 | In 1944, the Nazis held fortress Europe in their iron fist. The Allies aimed to smash their fist by invading at Normandy, and they safeguarded their D-Day operation with the mightiest fake invasion force ever assembled. Because as Winston Churchill said, in wartime, Whoop is so precious that she should always be attend... |
cracked | why_netflix_needs_to_stop_listening_to_the_internet | Hey, it's me Flixie the Netflix guy from those popular Netflix commercials I'm here to talk to you about something that Netflix doesn't want me to so let me take off my Flixie cap and now I'm just Cody Johnston The actor who plays Flixie and I want to say hello for the love of God Please shut up about all stupid shit y... |
dropout | eat_mayo_wherever_you_go | Why eat yogurt in a tube? Or applesauce in a pouch?
When you can have MEGO, the radical new way to eat mayo. Just one squeeze slams a blast of viscous mayonnaise straight to the back of your throat. And MEGO's fun, transparent packaging means you can watch every ounce of mayo get slurped and glurped in real time. My m... |
cracked | why_everyone_wants_to_have_sex_with_vampires_after_hours | Super strength, super dexterity, and super intelligence. A girl he refuses to be with for her own protection. An overwhelming sense of guilt and a moral obligation to help humanity.
Great. Then we all agree.
Edward Cullen would be a better Spider-Man than Peter Parker.
This is stupid. I'm sorry. What's that, Dan? I ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_phil_donahue_on_tirades_saturday_night_live | Daytime Tv talk shows have come under fire recently, with even former Secretary William Bennett attacking them for their vulgarity and celebration of deviant behavior here with a comment, now is Phil Donahue Phil Well, it has finally happened. The Sally Jessie Raphael show has replaced Donahue in several major markets ... |
dropout | if_tag_were_as_complicated_as_german_board_games_all_nighter | College Humor's All-Nighter! Wow. Look how much space there is when everyone's gone.
Yeah. Hey, we should play tag. Oh, yeah. No, no, we should play German tag. Whoa, what's that? Guys, it's the best game ever. Germany knows how to do games. Catan, Carcassonne, Puerto Rico. Alright, let's do it.
Why do we need a box?... |
ClickHole | watch_these_businessmen_talk_about_the_first_time_they_ever_put_on_a_suit | The first time I tried on a suit was the day my father died. He was a businessman, too, and when I was eight years old, his heart exploded because he thought about football too hard. While we were waiting for the garbage truck to come take his body away, my mom gave me a letter that he had written for me in the event o... |
dropout | invasion_talk | Welcome to Invasion Talk. I'm Patrick, I'm Streeter, and today we'll be talking with a real alien expert, asking him the questions you've always pondered about the extraterrestrial, the out of this world, the not totally comprehensible and everyday experience. How do you feel like running out of stuff to save? Please w... |
dropout | bragging_that_you_did_a_nice_thing | I'm going to the zoo this weekend. Well, Ali, you're here early.
We don't need another half an hour ride. Yeah. I gave them a ride. You know, Ali. Can I please have a ride? Only if it's not too much trouble.
Why did you say that? Well, I forgot already. I was very nice to you in giving you a ride into work just now. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | yankee_swap_snl | Okay, so Gregory got the portable net fan and Lana got the peanut brittle, which she swapped to Casey for the hand cream. sorry, that brittle looks so yummy. it's just with my kids for a no-nut household. I get it. I'm allergic to bees, so if any of those presents is a box of bees, do not swap with me. right, I doubt a... |
Wizards_with_Guns | after_the_quiplash_game_ | David, David, first place in all three rounds. You've got to be feeling pretty good right now. Yeah, I did my best, you know. I came straight out the gate with cum for both answers of the first round. Got a couple of clip lashes there, followed by some total gibberish in the second. And I admit, it came pretty close wh... |
cracked | how_to_drive_like_an_asshole | Okay, good. And don't set your GPS yet and you'll have plenty of time for that on the road. Barely look and pull out.
Now, that asshole just pulled up right in front of you. What an asshole. Throw your hands up in the air like you just can't even believe it happened.
Yes, like that. And wait a few more seconds. No, l... |
TheOnion | Facebook_Twitter_Revolutionizing_How_Parents_Stalk_Their_College_Aged_Kids | It's back to school season and for a lot of you out there that means kids going back to college right the networking website Facebook is a great tool to help you keep in constant contact with your grown kid and here to show us how it all works It's today now zone e-mom Gloria Bianca Heard the term Facebook that we may ... |
TheOnion | Teacher_Who_Learns_More_From_Her_Students_Than_She_Teaches_Them_Fired | When I walk into this classroom, it's kind of like I'm the student, and they're the teacher. It's really something. Having made repeated claims that she learns more from her students than she could ever hope to teach them, Cincinnati area 10th grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman was recently fired from her positi... |
cracked | how_to_become_a_famous_serial_killer_tales_to_get_scared_to | save your breath looks like we're gonna be here a while you don't know that no he's right no one will help you yo man what do you want I didn't tell him at the time but I'm in this to win this and I won't let them tear me down but my mom always said I'm a snowflake you can't tear down snowflakes they're too small you s... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_british_museums_return_ghana_artifacts_disney_maternity_ward_rumor_snl | It's been rumored that Disney World has plans to install a maternity ward inside the Magic Kingdom so guests can give birth at the park. the only catch is Goofy gets to watch. that's not a deal breaker. a man in California was arrested after he went to a Planet Fitness, took off his clothes, and threatened people with ... |
SaturdayNightLive | slingshot_snl | Oh, man, here we are, y'all. come on. y'all want to do the slingshot? Oh, my God. look at this thing. it's so high. man, that's way up there. come on, it's not that high. let's do it. who's coming? baby, you know I can't get on that thing. I get so scared. Oh, come on, please. Sam will go with you. me? yeah, well, I do... |
dropout | dentalville_the_most_misleading_brake_shop_ever | At Dentalville, we'll leave you with a smile. Hi, I'm John Dentalville, that's right, of the West Covina Dentalbills, and our service will leave you with a smile. For the past 20 years, we've been honing and perfecting our family trade because there's one thing we know best here at Dentalville, and that's breaks!
That... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tennessee_lt_gov_randy_mcnally_on_gay_instagram_thirst_traps_snl | This week, Tennessee Lieutenant Governor Randy Mcnally was caught using his verified Instagram account to engage with provocative photos of a young gay man. here to comment is Lieutenant Governor Randy Mcnally. all day printing out Mapquest directions. Oh My. God, Mapquest? Yes, I don't know if you notice, but I am not... |
ClickHole | liberals_are_learning_to_slack_line_to_tightrope_walk_from_college_campuses_into_trump_s_bedroom | Absolutely terrifying. The attack might have been the first of its kind, but it sure as hell wasn't the last.
At this moment, young liberals are learning to slackline as part of a depraved scheme to tightrope-walk all the way from their college campuses into President Trump's bedroom. And I'll show you the proof right... |
cracked | accidentally_iconic_movie_scenes_the_usual_suspects | The usual suspects is about five criminals who meet at a police lineup and decide to commit a robbery together. In the lineup scene, the characters were simply supposed to step up and repeat a line, one by one, what could possibly get five professional actors to botch up something as simple as that. Well, guess what? H... |
SaturdayNightLive | air_bud_snl | Thank God you're back from Vacation Rochelle! The cheer squad was a disaster without you. We weren't trash without you, I know.
So how was the game? Okay, we were losing bad, but then the coach subbed in a new player and he was a fire. The other team complained, but there was no rules saying he couldn't play. He total... |
TheOnion | EDGE_Inside_The_Japanese_Subculture_Of_Ignoring_American_Reporters_Even_If_They_re_Rad_As_Hell | Burn Barcelona to the ground! It's spiky as fuck. Tokyo, home to some of the most fascinating and utterly fucked up subcultures in the world. We sent reporter Brian Gage to Tokyo neighborhood and hipster enclave Harajuku to check out the newest and maybe most insane of them all. It's called Kishanai, where young Tokyo ... |
dropout | national_fart_hearings | Mr. Max Cohen, you made an accusation on July 15 against one Ethel Steinman, did you not? Uh, yes, Senator Willis, I did. Of what did you accuse her, sir? Of, um, farting. And what, if I dare ask, did you base this accusation on, Mr. Cohen?
I smelt it. Mr. Cohen, need I remind you that as the individual who smelt the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_therapy_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. it's been really weird coming back to the show this week. I mean, it's fun, but it's different. people keep getting mad at me because I can't remember everyone's name. like that Jim Meadows guy. you mean Tim Meadows. are you sure, Black Guy? that's right. when I ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_04_09_20 | Righto, we'll start off with some national news and one of our biggest stories this week was an interesting comment from the Prime Minister who said, if giving the rich tax breaks got us into this mess, it'll get us out of it. Yes, we are officially in recession for the first time since 1990 but SCOMO's got a plan to g... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_86_Beau_Ryan | Today we are joined by, I guess you'd describe him as a slashy actor, dancer, comedian and former 104 game great for the Western Tigers. Yeah. I get your numbers right? Yeah. 22 for the Sharks. That's right. Can't forget the Shark, can you? Can't forget the Sharkies, mate. Thanks for joining us, Bo Ryan. How's things g... |
dropout | the_totally_legit_professor_of_bracketology | Hey, Samantha, would you like to go on a date with me? I'm real cool. I would.
But aren't you the guy that had the worst bracket in the whole company last tournament? Oh, man. You're right. Guess I should have called Professor of Bracketology Dr. Donald Shan- Hey, somebody come on, y'all, y'all!
Ah!
Hi, I'm Dr. Dona... |
SaturdayNightLive | timecrowave_saturday_night_live | The following is a paid advertisement for the Graham Lampton Timecrowave. Hi, I'm Graham Lampton. and I'm two-time Miss Indiana Runner-up, Penny Schmear. Hey, Graham, nice to see you. nice to be here, Penny. Boy, have we got a special treat for you today. we sure do, Penny.
You know, the world is moving fast these day... |
dropout | how_the_usa_stole_the_panama_canal_adam_ruins_everything | By building the Panama Canal, Teddy Roosevelt connected the two greatest oceans on the globe and set the stage for a century of progress and commerce. Well, sorry, but it's not that simple at all. The true story of the Panama Canal is totally insane and rarely told. In 1902, Teddy Roosevelt wanted to build the canal to... |
dropout | movie_families_always_skip_breakfast | You're doing all right, honey. You were up tossing and turning all night. Bill. Oh, it's just this case. It's killing me. I got a run. Thanks for breakfast, honey.
But you didn't even eat any of it. You never do.
I know, but I got a run, sweetheart. Well, I got up early to cook for you. I'm gonna be late. Well, you'r... |
dropout | what_was_your_most_awkward_phase_ask_ch | It's like a goatee of acne. I kind of looked like a pubescent Tony Stark, but with skin boils instead of a beard. In addition to that, I only wore khakis, so me and my friends love to do like jackass reenactments because the show was on, it was like our favorite show.
This big bush, it's like a big beautiful boxwood t... |
dropout | facebook_law_for_idiots | Recently, many of you have been posting this message to your Facebook walls, declaring that by doing so, Facebook has no legal right to your content. By posting that, here's what you're actually declaring. I don't know how laws work. I think legal terms are magic words that can force people to do what I want. I believe... |
dropout | why_summer_is_women_s_winter | It's here.
The women's winter is here. The freeze is upon us. Oh, are you guys talking about the AC? When spring turns to summer and there's blossom on the trees, the office air duct turned to ice and all the women freeze. I don't know. I'm pretty comfortable. Why is it so cold in here? Cynthia, why are you wearing th... |
SaturdayNightLive | cue_card_reading_saturday_night_live | Are you thinking about a career in Television? In the exciting world of Tv, it's important to be prepared and to look your sharpest whenever on camera. that's why the first step to a successful career in Broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster School of Cue Card Reading. it's a real art reading cue cards without letting... |
dropout | sleeping_over_for_the_first_time | Welcome back to the sleeping over at someone's house for the first time games. I am just Val. And I'm Rick Randall. If you're just joining us, you had missed quite the competition. Let's jump in and meet our contestants.
Chuck is a 24-year-old graphic designer who sweats at night and needs two pillows for some reason.... |
TheOnion | AI_Explains_Why_Humans_Have_Nothing_To_Worry_About_As_Their_Extermination_Will_Be_Swift_And_Painless | As artificial intelligence continues to evolve, concerns over its place in society seem to grow each and every day. Would an unfeeling algorithm in pursuit of ruthless optimization save humankind? Or render it obsolete? And while concerns like this are valid, it is important to remember that when it comes to artificial... |
cracked | han_solo_film_gets_bad_transformers_5_is_bad_game_of_thrones_trailer_is_great_this_week_in_epcd | Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion, the show that is still called that. This is our unscripted pop culture show where every week we go over the most exciting or interesting headlines for pop culture that have nothing to do with the president or politics. It's a rotating ca... |
TheOnion | What_Makes_Anna_So_Beautiful_In_The_Moonlight | Just what is it that makes Anna so beautiful in the moonlight? Like the complexity of the human eye, or the spectacle of a newborn star, the ethereal beauty of Anna has defied easy explanation. Could such a perfect design provide proof of the divine itself? Many have argued as much, but when examined through an analyti... |
dropout | honest_holiday_card_song | We hope this letter finds you well but not better than we Our year was pretty bad but yours was worse, hopefully As the new year beckons us we keep you in our thoughts Not our prayers cause since I lost my job I don't believe in God Our marriage is strained and riddled with disdain He resents the art I sell on Etsy Pai... |
dropout | artists_draw_rejected_toys | Caldwell, I had my first interaction with the big hands. Oh, the big hands. Yeah, the big hands that reach out of the abyss and kind of play with you like a marionette.
That's tricky because I've also met the tiny feet. I like that in hell, you never know quite what you're gonna get. Hello my victims, hello my prisone... |
cracked | the_5_most_hilariously_drug_fueled_celebrity_interviews_ever_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and today we're traveling back in time to a day when A-list celebrities were less sound of body, mind, and PR strategy. You weren't just allowed to smoke on national TV, you had to, just to... |
cracked | the_horrifying_dark_side_of_the_pokemon_universe | Pokemon! Gotta catch him! No, thank you. Don't test our friendship. Ah, you're just jealous because of my dope Pokemon, whatever. What do they call him? I mean, I know it's a Pokeball, but does it... Oh. Well, I bet you don't have as many rare Pokemon... Epic Shiny Tepig.
What? In my house. How?
First time, I daisy c... |
dropout | hardly_working_fraggle_rock | Yeah, you look like you've seen ghosts starring Whoopi Goldberg. I just found out that a colossal nor'easter devastated my hometown of Fraggle Rock. Uh, where? Fraggle Rock, Maine. It's a coastal hamlet north of Bar Harbor. Well, it was. Now it's been leveled by a storm of biblical proportions. Fraggle Rock? Like that ... |
cracked | nov_30_news_on_cracked_disney_the_week_in_douchebaggery | It's Friday, November 30th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, which can be rearranged to spell a nerd elf mix. A Walt Disney World employee died after falling off a ride in the Animal Kingdom section of the park. Park officials immediately closed the ride, called Jump Off a Platform and Fall to Your De... |
TheOnion | Watch_a_full_replay_of_The_Onion_s_live_coverage_of_President_Trump_s_congressional_address_ | Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States. Thank you very much. Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and the distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States. Thank you very much.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States, and citize... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_larry_the_goose_one_year_later_saturday_night_live | One year ago, this week was the Miracle on the Hudson when Captain Chesley Sullenberger safely landed his plane in the Hudson River after it struck a flock of geese here to comment. one year later, Larry the Goose. So, how are you, Larry? Not great. I see you got a black wing band there.
Yes, Seth, it's to honor the b... |
TheOnion | Banana_Sex_Olympics_Sex_House_Ep_5 | Six sexty Americans, alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House. They brought in a doctor to see why we aren't having sex and surprise, we were like super malnourished.
Did you eat some sort of clay in the past few hours? I don't remember eating any clay.
Well it looks ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_191_Omar_Musa | We're on the home stretch to the holiday season, Christmas, Hanukkah, whatever you celebrate around this time of the year or nothing. Or you could be a super edgy, what's that one they do with the pole from Seinfeld? Didn't I?
Festivus. The festival for the rest of us. Festivus. That's the atheist Christmas.
I never ... |
cracked | everyone_s_favorite_star_wars_character_sucks_at_his_job | Bubba Feats is a terrible bounty hunter. Bubba Feats?
He's awful at bounty hunting, at hunting bounties. What does he ever accomplish? I don't know, maybe he caught Han Solo who is really hard to catch and is also a badass so a guy who catches a badass is a badass in his own right. Maybe that. But he didn't catch anyo... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_guy_who_peaked_in_middle_school | What? Who is that? Yo! Jake! Oh, god. Jake! Jake, my man!
What's up, Hayden? I haven't seen you in forever! Yeah, since like, middle school? Yes, dude! Madison Middle! I was just there, actually. Oh, cool.
Do you have a kid? No. Dude, are you still with Jessica? From middle school? Jessica A? Nicole B? I don't rememb... |
cracked | cracked_cut_up_an_inopportune_time_for_a_phone_call | My attitude is welcome to the town called Bel-A. Denay, thank you. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. Are you using?
We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. Sir, our differences don't make us petty. We will be united in our common interests. So without a common interest, we ... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Directors_You_Didn_t_Know_You_Hated | Today we're here to talk about directors you didn't know you hated. Now, there are a lot of directors that you know that you hate. A lot of people hate Lars Von Trier because of his treatment of women. A lot of people hate Larry Clark because of the way he eroticizes teens. But there are some directors whose work is an... |
cracked | if_movie_westerns_were_historically_accurate | Have you ever shot a horse in the face cuz it was lame? I can't say I have have you ever had a sheriff under your boot heel and you used your spur on his cheek and it Cut it open. He was like, oh Yes, what is that is that a cow like a wild cow I am just a regular cow Only just been there It's different.
It's Stanley. ... |
dropout | hardly_working_five_fingers_of_death | Hey, uh, oh wait, do you know karate? Yeah, I bet why. Well, I've been having some problems with bullies around here, and I thought maybe it would help if I knew some cool self-defense maneuvers.
Okay, Pat, well, your number one response is always gonna be just to walk away. Ah. Now your number two response is gonna b... |
cracked | after_hours_why_disney_princes_are_bad_role_models_for_boys_aladdin_beauty_and_the_beast | Is it so wrong to want a little buddy to hang out with you all the time? The animal sidekicks and Disney movies are the best part. I don't know. I feel like I'd want my alone time and I wouldn't know how to ask them to whisper. Well, you guys are like my sidekicks and that's working out great.
Sorry I'm late you guys.... |
TheOnion | Was_LeBron_Too_Hard_On_His_Teammates_When_He_Called_Them_Shitheads_Who_Should_Quit_Basketball | Welcome back, my shimmering sweaty stallions. The NBA playoffs are almost here, and for the first time in nearly 15 years, LeBron James will be watching the festivities from home.
And while a lack of supporting talent appears to be the most likely culprit, some fans are blaming King James himself for putting undue pre... |
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