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TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Obama_Casts_National_Musical | The White House will hold a second round of auditions Thursday for its nationwide production of Guys and Dolls, the FBI sheepishly admits that it hasn't actually solved a crime in over ten years, and a jukebox pretends that an Oasis CD is too scratched to play. This is the week of April 4th, 2011, and this is The Onion... |
SaturdayNightLive | boston_teens_at_the_colonial_museum_snl | This is the way the colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. it would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. would anyone like to take a churn? Yeah, over here. let him do it. he's had a lot of branches. yeah, I'm familiar with the motion. yeah, he churns it about... |
TheOnion | Romney_Still_In_Hot_Water_After_Reading_GOP_Platform_Verbatim | Mitt Romney apologizes to the nation's quote 150 million starving, filthy beggars. A report finds it's not okay to just start talking to people you don't know, and a munchtrocity is created in the Frito laboratory. To those of you in the 47% who think you're entitled to online weekly news recaps, well, quit sucking at ... |
SaturdayNightLive | crown_your_short_king_snl | One bachelorette, 25 men under 5'8". Will this queen, Crowner Short King, find out tonight? Welcome to the finale of Crown Your Short King. Now, Tiffany, you've spent the past three months getting to know these incredible little guys. but now you're down to your last three. Kevin, Harold, Teddy, please step forward. th... |
dropout | the_iphone_6s_s_best_new_feature | With every generation, Apple has strived to make its revolutionary iPhone the most minimal and efficient product on planet earth. This is why we've streamlined our new successes and removed the most useless feature of the phone. The phone. Because nobody makes fucking phone calls anymore. Not only have we fixed a redun... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_147_Tana_Douglas | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batooda down here in Budgie Smuggle Studios, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. How are you Errol?
Good mate. Al... |
cracked | why_mathematicians_are_furious_with_this_one_professor | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug re... |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_bill_cosby_sharon_osbourne_sean_connery_snl | Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got a real barn burner on our hands here.
In second place with negative $82,300 is Bill Cosby. look at all the nice people in the audience. so many beautiful people, a jello pudding pops up. Great. in first place with negative $82,400 is Sharon Osbourne. And in last place with... |
TheOnion | compost_fueled_cars_wouldn_t_that_be_great_onion_talks_ep_1 | Two birds with one stone. Although birds are no longer the problems we need to kill, the idea of achieving two goals simultaneously still remains very much a part of the human experience.
Every day, we use over 400 million gallons of fuel. There is so much compost in the world.
We're looking in the eyes of two horrib... |
dropout | D_oh_Actually_A_Special_Simpsons_Episode_Um_Actually_Full_Episode | This is a Simpsons episode of Um, Actually. From Mr. Snurub to Jub Jub, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is a Simpsons episode of Um, Actually.
Man, this is, like, already smile on my face. You know, the weird thing is that we've done so ma... |
cracked | here_s_why_we_keep_putting_up_with_martin_short | An article titled, Why We Keep Putting Up With Martin Short with the tagline, is the only murders in the building star a comic genius or the most annoying actor on earth? What did Martin do to you, besides making you laugh for decades? Thankfully, some of our other comedy heroes weighed in to defend him. Let's see what... |
TheOnion | Are_Violent_Video_Games_Preparing_Kids_For_The_Apocalypse | Moving on, many of today's most popular video games take place in dangerous post-apocalyptic landscapes, but are these games enough to prepare our kids for the actual post-apocalyptic future we will all soon face? I think they are. Studies have shown that these games are quite effective at teaching our kids skills that... |
TheOnion | Study_Slapping_Everyone_In_Grocery_Store_Exposing_Yourself_In_Produce_Section_Still_Frowned_Upon | Researchers at Princeton University's Department of Sociology have made a major leap in our understanding of social interaction. They say their new study proves that slapping every single person in a grocery store and then exposing oneself in the produce section is an act still largely frowned upon by society. We condu... |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_with_gwyneth_paltrow_snl | And now it's time to play the game The Stars play. Secret Bird with your host, Lyle Brown. Hello, hey there. Hello, I'm Lyle Brown. my wife is at a bra burning today. she said she was just going to watch. when I get home, I better not smell bra smoke. Okay. why don't we meet our celebrities? she's better known for her ... |
ClickHole | people_talk_about_the_moment_that_made_them_believe_in_god | I had always been an atheist, but I went through a tough period in my 30s after I was executed for treason, and that led me to explore my spirituality. Immediately after I died, I ascended straight to heaven, and God said to me, Hey there little buddy, it's me, your magic dad who loves to boss people around. He parted ... |
cracked | more_like_april_annoying_asshole_s_day_open_breakup_letter | Hey, hi. Yeah, hi. Thanks for meeting me.
April Fool's Day. Okay, I wanted this to be a dialogue. I want to hash things out with you. I wanted to see if we could, you know, make this work and keep our relationship going after all these years. But you know what, April Fool's Day, we can't. This is a breakup and it's be... |
TheOnion | Justin_Bieber_Found_To_Be_Cleverly_Disguised_51_Year_Old_Pedophile | In our top story this hour, police arrested teen pop star Justin Bieber today after an investigation revealed he is not a 16-year-old heartthrob, but rather a 51-year-old pedophile in disguise. Wearing a wig and a rubbery mask, Bieber, born Michael Cote in 1959, spent years cultivating an image as a sensitive teenager ... |
CrackerMilk | we_re_making_a_tv_show | Hey guys, we are stupid excited to let you know we are finally making a cracker milk TV show. That's right, we are making a TV pilot that we're going to release on YouTube for you guys, absolutely free.
But we do have a problem. We want to keep full creative comedy control of this project. So we will be funding it our... |
cracked | 39_astounding_celebrity_and_one_cracked_tv_reboots_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode 30 of Crack TV, where we stand by our promise that the series will air indefinitely for millennia. Nothing about the show you love will ever, ever change.
What bands were featured? Was that a festival or more of a Live Aid thing? Uh, neither. Did Nickelback headline, Joanna?
Your... |
dropout | prank_war_2_streeter_s_big_date | Alright, Streeter just went to lunch, but what he doesn't know is that the person he's meeting there doesn't really exist. Let me show you what I'm talking about. About a week ago, I emailed Streeter as a female fan with the subject, Marry Me by Ms. Christine Bryson. I said, Hi Streeter, you don't know this is me, but ... |
Reductressnews | our_six_year_old_fashion_blogger_andrewa_hits_nyfw | Hi, I'm Andrea. I'm here to talk to people about what they're wearing and why. Hashtag fashion.
What is that? Have you got any work done? She looks hungry.
Are you from space? From space? No, I'm from Australia.
Does PETA know you're wearing fur? They look hungry. You got any coats? What are you wearing? These are j... |
cracked | how_come_some_men_have_7_wives_and_i_don_t_even_have_one | How come some men have seven wives and I do not have even one where can I find a human female wife? Who is alive on earth? I wonder if I can find this guy's account or anything. We're both the doxy guy in the podcast Wow, his name is mr. Bobby. He's from Canada. What can I do to serve my country, Canada? I don't have a... |
dropout | what_it_s_like_being_in_a_group_text | Boo! Hey guys, who wants to get food? Boo!
I could do that. What time are you thinking?
Boo!
I was thinking like 30 minutes. Is that too soon?
Hey guys, I'm at work right now.
Sorry, I can't go.
Boo! Perfect timing! I'm starving! Boo! Awesome! Where should we go? Boo! Has anyone tried that Greek place on Vermont?... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_246_Tim_Rogers_from_You_Am_I | We've had a big couple months actually, we've had, Wendell you had Dominic Perretay on the other day. Yeah well look I was just about to say we've had a procession of royals come through but I wouldn't count a career politician as a royal but we've had a lot of music royalty, artistic royal, we've had heaps of people c... |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_hot_ones_episode_ever_ | Hey everybody, I'm Hot Juan and welcome to Spiced to Meet You. The only show with hot questions and even hotter salsa. Today I'm joined by Terry Marinara. You folks at home know Terry from Pulp Friction, Star War, A New Pope, Schindler's Wrist, and The Passion of the Christ. Thanks for coming on the show, Terry. Let me... |
TheOnion | Eli_Manning_Asks_Dad_If_He_Can_Stop_Playing_Football_Now | The NFL season is over, the Giants are Super Bowl champs, and that makes me want all of you to get out of my face. It's a goof blast. Directly after winning his second Super Bowl, a hopeful Eli Manning approached his father, legendary quarterback Archie Manning, and asked if he could finally stop playing football. Eli ... |
TheOnion | New_Robot_Warns_When_Someone_s_About_To_Walk_In_On_You_Masturbating | Thanks, Brooke. Say hello to TISO, the first robot that can detect the presence of other human beings approaching while you masturbate. Thanks to him, the days of trying to yank up your pants while closing your laptop or throwing a porno magazine across the room may finally be over. In a few years, you'll forget what i... |
dropout | jake_and_amir_at_ny_comiccon_with_pete_holmes_episode_2 | BJ writes, I have this best friend who started going out with this girl a few weeks ago. They seem to have a nice relationship, but the thing is she's been giving me these sexual looks sometimes. The kind of looks that say I want to bang you. I think we all know that look. I don't exactly like this girl, but hey, sex i... |
SaturdayNightLive | diana_in_jail_life_in_prison_saturday_night_live | This week's sole diva, Diana Ross, was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. here now, via satellite from a women's prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross. Good Tina, I'm in Jail. Let me tell you something, in Jail. They Do Not call me Ms. Ross. They call me Inmate number 54899b.... |
cracked | what_happens_when_a_society_leaves_guy_fieri_unchecked_cracked_responds | Adam. Yeah. Welcome to the world of Guy Fieri. We're doing it. It's exciting. This is, Drew McGarry wrote this thing in GQ about Guy Fieri's new wine. It's like a look into Guy Fieri's life and a look at a man who has been Guy Fieri for so long and with no one, he's Pete Guy Fieri.
There's nowhere for him to go from h... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_dark_knight | The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's gritty blockbuster about Batman and the Joker fighting each other in the dark is packed with hidden secrets and insane trivia you might have missed the first time through. Here are some crazy facts that will change the way you watch The Dark Knight forever. The reason why actor Gary... |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_it_feels_typing_anything_with_a_remote_ | My god What? Everything okay. My grandma got hit by a dart guys.
I have got to show you this video. It's a prank It's this guy right in the front row of the roller coaster and he's screaming. It's climbing. He's screaming.
I got diarrhea. I got diarrhea also, he's Definitely got diarrhea.
Yeah, that's cool. But Mike... |
dropout | monsters_vs_aliens | I was freaked out by aliens pretty hard but I'm like kind of excited like if I did get snatched up like who knows what I would see like you being our ambassador and we'll take you to our planet and like you know you can teach us how skateboarding rules and how your teachers are fuck morons just stay away from my ass un... |
TheOnion | insecure_miami_heat_can_t_figure_out_who_garnett_called_a_sloppy_chested_shit | TENIS BALLS ARE YELLOW! Green! They have always been green! They have a little green in them, but the yellowness of a tennis ball is an undeniable truth! Once you add any green to yellow, the color is now green! I hate your philosophy of colors as much as I hate the face you mask your skull with, so get them both out o... |
cracked | 12_18_07_news_on_cracked_pam_anderson_condi_rice_google | It's Tuesday, December 18th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman. And that was an awkward pause. Here are today's top stories. Pamela Anderson is in the news again. Just three days after filing for divorce from current husband and Paris Hilton screwer Rick Solomon, she's changed her mind and is tryi... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_the_best_look_in_the_world_saturday_night_live | What's the deal, man?
I thought you said you were ready to go.
I am ready to go.
Well, what about your pants? what about them? where are they? this is my look, man. it's the best look in the world. the black side, I put them both on the take-off.
I'm the best, he holds the best dance. good, good. the best look in t... |
TheOnion | Meet_The_Man_Inside_The_Nicolas_Cage_Costume | Nicholas Cage entertains fans around the world, but the man behind the crazy character has always been a mystery, until now. This week, Glenn Soziak, the puppeteer who has worn the Nicholas Cage costume for almost three decades, released a book about his incredible job called Life Inside the Cage. I was lucky enough to... |
cracked | how_america_accidentally_invented_the_nazis | America, the land of the free, the home of the brave! Give me your tired and your poor! We were the first to the moon! We invented rock and roll! We have a Beyonce! We made Nazis!
What did I just read? These are non-refundable. Yes, Captain America punched Nazis in his day. But a lesser known part of history? Hitler's... |
dropout | most_insane_vo_booth_ever_dates | Hey, Captain Wonderful, welcome back. Alright, just read those tags there, right at the bottom, please. And all new Wise Geysers is next. Up next. Coming up next, now, right now, Tuesdays, only on Tuesdays, Tuesdays at 8. Great, just great. Now we actually don't have a hard day on those times yet, so can you just do ev... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_launches_nft_trading_cards_ftx_founder_sam_bankman_fried_s_arrest_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Insiders are saying that the house January 6th Committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump, but after this week, I think he's pretty much locked down that insanity place. semi-r... |
dropout | aziz_ansari_presents_parks_and_recreation | Okay, guys, season three of Parks and Recreation premieres January 20th at 9.30 on NBC After the Office. I thought it might be a good idea to kind of spice things up for our return. So I took the liberty of creating us a brand new opening credit sequence. Check it out.
Hey! Yeah, some days I feel unfazed. Like when I'... |
cracked | 4_dumb_ways_modern_movies_portray_masculinity_yboc_mission_impossible_dceu | Hey there nerds, my birth name is Dr. Jordan Breedy, named of course after the inventor of cows. But for legal and personal reasons, you can call me Doc Johnson.
You're watching another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where once again I've grown just the manliest facial hair and then the only show on crack wh... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_63_michael_hing | Welcome back listeners to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live out of Baxter Boots studios in downtown Batutah I'm Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate. And my name is Errol Parker the editor-at-large This week on the show we are talking to stand-up comedian and aspiring Australian historian Michael... |
dropout | dog_toy_or_sex_toy_the_interactive_game | Hi, I'm Pat. What would you say if I challenged you to tell sex toys from dog toys? You'd probably say, it's a really weird thing to challenge Patrick, why would you do that? Because it's harder than you think. This is Sex Toy or Dog Toy Home Edition. The rules are simple, I will present you the audience with a series ... |
SaturdayNightLive | christmas_eve_drunks_snl | Hey Jarvis, how about a little refresher over here? I'm happy too, I could use the refresher himself. didn't I say last call? don't do this to me, it's the night before Christmas. Look, I got to get home. I want to go home too, but I don't got no home. See, that is not my problem. Jarvis! Okay man, but only cause it's ... |
cracked | the_guy_who_said_he_got_hit_by_lightning_7_times | It's famously hard to get struck by lightning, but Roy Sullivan is a man who allegedly got it down to a science seven goddamn times. Let's take a look at the man who claims to have been licked by Odin for each day of the week and see what's really going on.
Roy Sullivan was born in 1912 in a small Virginia town nestle... |
dropout | D_D_Meets_NYC_The_Unsleeping_City_Full_Episode | Brennan loves this bit. I love this bit, I can't lie.
It is a snowy, blustery day. Cold, crisp, clear skies over the best skyline of any city that has ever been or will ever be. It is New York City, baby. Snow flurries from the sky as the wind kicks up. We see gusts of freezing air blow past the Chrysler Building, dow... |
dropout | sexually_enlightened_r_b_song | Girl, I'm gonna do you right I'm gonna do you right tonight I won't be like those other guys Other guys, I'm gonna do you really right I'ma push you up against the wall and take you Or you can take me whichever you prefer Sex is a conversation, not a lecture And I wanna get freaky, but on your terms Yeah, yeah, yeah, y... |
dropout | the_real_reason_jaywalking_is_a_crime_adam_ruins_everything | Here's the story of how the car took over the American Street. A century ago, the City Street was a public place that was open to everyone. It was shared by pedestrians, horses, and weird old-timey bicyclists alike. Not to mention street cars that took people to work. No, Teddy, you have a fun day at the sweatshop, and... |
dropout | butcher_the_national_anthem_for_2_000 | 🎵 Would you do something for me? Would you sing a little bit? Just any song you want? Sing just a little bit right now. Okay, I can't, I can't sing.
What? For this challenge, you will be singing the national anthem at a minor league baseball game in the Inland Empire. How are you feeling, really? I am, I am really cl... |
SaturdayNightLive | tim_curry_monologue_saturday_night_live | I'm Tim Curry. Whoa! Hello, Mr. Curry! uh, yes? yeah, I'll be sweeping up there. you're feasting the way I'd appreciate if you moved up. Oh, uh, certainly. I'm sorry. boy, they sure be making a big mess of this show. I'll tell you a lot of money. Um, Eddie? yes, Mr. Curry? uh, White, did you always sweep up around here... |
TheOnion | Study_Exposes_Risks_Of_Conducting_Research_While_Driving | A 62-year-old with a gun is the only one standing between the nation and a full-scale government takeover. A new study exposes the dangers of conducting research while driving, and Michelle Obama is not so keen on the president's new bangs. And now for a web video you certainly don't deserve but will get anyway, this i... |
cracked | the_terrible_trend_emerging_on_youtube | Hey guys, right now we're gonna do a Twitter question. Hey, how's it going? Pretty good, you know, thanks for watching guys. I'll see you next time Hey guys, thanks for watching my show the show blog I'm gonna subscribe to subscribe to my channel because maybe you didn't know that you could do that Hit the thumbs up bu... |
cracked | matt_rife_s_secret_new_movie | Private investigator Mort Madison, aka Matt Rife, has seen better days according to the official synopsis of The Private Eye, a mystery romantic comedy that I'm guessing Rife doesn't want you to see. Despite the official trailer dropping this past week, there's no whisper of it on Rife's social media accounts.
Take a ... |
dropout | collegehumor_s_favorite_classic_videos | My favorite CH original from way back in the day has got to be Rap Battle. The focal point of the sketch is a bunch of guys from Freestyle Love Supreme. I was in college at the time, this is a long time ago, and I would just go home and get in my head and I'd watch it every time. I must have watched that sketch, I don'... |
dropout | this_girl_s_black_friday_haul_video_is_horrifying | Hey everyone! I'm back with a very special Black Friday haul video. Now the crowds can get a little rowdy but if you can handle it you can get some amazing deals. The first thing I have to show you is this cute cute cute sweater. It is so soft and so comfortable. It'll need a bit of mending but I only paid $8 so totall... |
SaturdayNightLive | sheila_choad_s_los_angeles_face_saturday_night_live | You're watching Fine Living. Ew. at 1 P.m. it's the wealthy golfer followed by where to store your race cars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choad's Los Angeles Face. Good day, I'm Sheila Choad. welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. my guests today are Susan Deinwart. ... |
dropout | the_gritty_of_brotherly_love_a_philly_phan_phiction | Hello everyone and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am Jess, with me as always is my co-host Rekha, if you're listening to this it is probably on a place where you get podcasts or CH2, but is it on our absolute favorite place to listen to us, drop out. If you subscribe to drop ou... |
dropout | hardly_working_wolfenstein | Murph pet you guys like video games, right? Yeah, you're gonna love this. I was going through my grandpa's attic turns out He's a huge fan of Wolfenstein 3d No, oh my god, what is that the bad guy logo from Wolfenstein you remember Oh and listen putty man I don't know how to tell you this but you guys check it out I'm ... |
TheOnion | Man_With_Nice_Eyes_Blown | The nation's quadriplegics immobilized on Washington in support of stem cell research. The number of songs the GOP candidates can use is down to four, and a Penn State t-shirt is awkwardly looked away from.
And now for the weekly feature your fragile, susceptible mind already has your lips salivating for. This is the ... |
cracked | 4_insane_details_behind_the_scenes_of_a_porn_shoot | Hi internet, not too long ago I had way too much fun teaching you why the sex you like to watch in Hollywood movies is actually terrible. There's a team of people watching you, just ignore the fact that six hairy dudes can see your whole butt. Yep, all the beautiful and famous celebrities that you thought were having p... |
cracked | why_fox_mulder_might_actually_be_a_crazy_person | Fox Mulder is the devilishly handsome mumble puppet at the center of the X-Files, the show responsible for scaring the mightiest possible f*** out of grade school science fiction fans in the 1990s with episodes about ghosts, sea monsters, prehistoric bugs, and cannibal-stretch Armstrong living in a paper mache booger h... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Gets_Shazam_An_Educated_Voter_A_Mind_Blowing_Transformation_More_April_29 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin, lot going on in the world, busy busy news cycle week 3 of the federal election campaign and our newsroom are going down Unlike flies to not only the COVID-19 virus but also this new thing getti... |
cracked | share_your_comedy_genius_with_cracked | Hi, it's Lex Friedman for crack.com listen crack wants you to upload videos to YouTube that are funny that you submit to our Account so that we can look at them and share your funniness if we really like it Basically if you upload funny videos other users might offer critiques of them on our message boards And if we fi... |
dropout | did_you_kill_your_grandpa_hot_date | So me and Mendelbaum, right? We see Mandel go into the stall, so he's in the stall. Mendelbaum whips it out and starts pissing all over his feet. You're him!
Emily? Emily, it's impolite not to listen to a man when he's talking about his high school friends. I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted. What's up?
I think ... |
TheOnion | Onion_Talks_Hypothetically_It_Would_Be_Okay_To_Have_Sex_With_A_Robot_Dog | It's the world's most unbreakable taboo, bestiality. Even the word makes us sick. If a person were to be intimate with a dog, for instance, that person should be locked in a cell and never seen again. It's disgusting, perverse, filthy.
But if that same person was to have sex with a robot dog, that'd be totally cool be... |
dropout | what_one_year_of_trump_feels_like_ch_shorts | She's the news? I'm retired, you old poop. I don't bother with the trifles in the newspaper any longer.
I know, but listen to this. They're banning avocados because they say they sound too Mexican. God damn that, President Trump.
You know, I feel like I've aged a hundred years since he took office. I can't help but t... |
dropout | mcfuneral | We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a great man. Sure he was responsible for fattening up American kids and his apple pies have scorched countless mouths, but he was an innovator, he was a leader, and most importantly, he was our friend. We will miss him dearly.
Who would have guessed it'd be a massive corona... |
TheOnion | Group_Of_Hunky_Cardinals_Appeals_To_Pope_To_Relax_Celibacy_Requirement | A group of hunky cardinals appeals to Pope Benedict to relax the celibacy requirement. A capricious god violently shakes an ant farm the day after bestowing orange slices on the colony, and a plane is making a different noise now according to a man who's always certain he's about to die. Anything even slightly more abs... |
ClickHole | this_guy_perfectly_explains_global_warming_probably | Hey guys, I know a lot of people get confused about global warming and what it is exactly, and I think I found this video that actually perfectly sums it up. So check it out. Hi guys, Mike the weather guy here, and today I'm going to be explaining to you how global warming works. So in full disclosure, I don't actually... |
SaturdayNightLive | vinny_vedecci_talks_with_shia_labeouf_snl | I got arrested for a misdemeanor crime. I was smoking a cigarette in Burbank. you were having a cigarette after you murdered someone and they caught you. No, I got arrested just for smoking. just for smoking?
In your country, I would die in jail. Yes, I think it'd be very hard for you.
Indiana Jones. Yeah, Indiana Jo... |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office_episode_4 | What makes you think you can be our new delivery guy? My weed is hand-picked by a team of shaved eunuchs in the gardens behind my palace in Kokoda. Why would you use eunuch? And then flown via private jet to the U.S. Check the shit out, man. Sophie's Choice, napalm rainbow, and red Sophie's Choice.
How much? It's gonn... |
dropout | guy_fieri_as_a_jeff_buckley_song | Hey gang, Sam here. We at College Humor believe that music is all around us, even in the mouths of those who absolutely did not want or intend for it to be. In this new series, we've partnered with composer Nick Letzko to take real words from real people and turn them into the songs that they were always meant to be. P... |
SaturdayNightLive | donald_rumsfeld_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Uh, good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I've done many times before, it's only part of the larger War on Terror. Now, I'm gonna be happy to take any questions you may have. Yes. today a... |
TheOnion | Many_Doctors_Say_It_s_High_Time_To_Legalize_Marijuana_Season_1_Ep_3_on_IFC | And now the battle to legalize medical marijuana is heating up across the country. Our Onion News Network medical correspondent Alex Edelman filed this report about the controversial issue. Thanks Brooke. To some, smoking marijuana to relieve pain sounds like an idea thought up by Bob Marley, not a doctor. But the push... |
cracked | one_major_reason_amazon_sucks_cracked_explains | Jeff Bezos is building a giant clock in a mountain. Your prime purchases fund a neonatal kitten rescue, and amazon.com never shamelessly rips off the product designs of its competitors. Hi, I'm Greg. The clock is in Texas. Smile has donated more than $200 million to charities like ones that save newborn cats.
And unfo... |
cracked | five_stages_of_watching_a_biopic_feat_onlyleigh | I'm super excited about this one. Me too! It's about time they made a movie about this guy. Right? Always been a fan. Super interesting life. And so accomplished. Absolutely. Totally. So awesome.
We have no idea who this movie is based on, do we? Not a clue. Did that really happen? I don't know. Did that really happen... |
cracked | 5_forgotten_actually_scary_scooby_doo_moments_canonball | Scooby-Doo has been on the air for well over half a century, and throughout its dozens of TV shows and movies, the franchise has mostly stuck to the same formula. Some old guy repurposes some old costume from his sexy role-play days to pull off a real estate or insurance scam, but is foiled by a talking dog and a bunch... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_McCormack_Jab_Proud_Boys_And_Christian_GetsRoasted_January_29 | You're listening to The Betooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Betooter Advocate Weekly Radio News bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy Overill editor of The Betooter Advocate and of course Errol Parker is usually with me but he's away at the moment he's gone to see a man abo... |
dropout | Scarlett_Johansson_s_Agent | Oh, John Mayer, you're not Jerry Garcia.
Hey. Hey, Scarlett. Sorry that latest project didn't work out. But you know what? Let's just put those days of picking controversial roles behind us, huh? What do you mean? We talked about this, ScarJo.
Like when you tried to play a trans man in a movie, or when you actually d... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bobby_moynihan_snl | This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn't want Twitter to become a free-for-all Hellscape, because that's his plan for Mars. I really don't understand why people are so worried that Elon is goi... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_201_Senator_Jane_Hume | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, The Tudor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Hello listeners, my name is Clancy Overill, editor of The Tudor... |
TheOnion | FAA_Restricts_Jets_To_Flying_No_More_Than_15ft_Above_Ground_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_28 | New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer, but can anything truly save us from those metal death traps hurling through the air? And later, OBR's theater critic joins us to break down that little scene your daughter threw in the car this morning. From the Onion and Onion Public Rad... |
SaturdayNightLive | forceington_s_ridge_snl | You're watching the Soap Channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forcingtons Ridge. everyone, I hope you're all enjoying the champagne. it's made right here at Forcington Vineyards. And if you're lucky, I'll give you the recipe. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Earl, Alexia, your jokes like your brave hairdos always... |
dropout | the_ultimate_avengers_recap | Salutations, my super cool superhero superfans! Sorry, I know you're all jiggity jazzed about this summer's Avengers sequel, but an assload has happened in this series since the first Avengers. Here's what you need to know about each team member before dragging your tush to the multiplex. Phase two of the DC Cinematic ... |
SaturdayNightLive | art_fern_saturday_night_live | But first, friends, are you tired of just watching Tv? wouldn't you like to be part of the exciting world of show business? Well, now you can when you join the Johnny Carson school of Acting. just find a piece of shtick and work her to death every night for 20 years. I do my best work at night. Ooh, I'll bet you do. Fr... |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_clinton_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | And now a message from former President Bill Clinton and the rest of the Clinton family. Good evening, America. these past few weeks have been a difficult time for me and my family as a number of questions have surfaced concerning my conduct in the final days of my presidency. for most of you, the main question is, why... |
SaturdayNightLive | josh_brolin_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Brolin! thank you. thank you so much. I love being here. you know, it's been 12 years since I last hosted, and I've missed this place. I mean, so much has changed. not really. it's the same, but. but the band. I mean, a couple guys, but, you know, it's all. Anyway, it all seems different, but... |
TheOnion | New_Kindle_Helps_Readers_Show_Off_By_Shouting_Title_Of_Book_Loudly_And_Repeatedly | Readers, rejoice! This week, Amazon unveiled the Kindle Flare, the latest model of their popular e-reader. The improved device has the ability to loudly and repeatedly announce the title of the book you're reading so everyone knows how smart you are. The hot new e-reader includes a massive catalog of titles, a sleek, e... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Help_How_Do_We_Stop_Shoplifting_Says_Supermarket_Duopoly_Vote_No_To_Indig_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bullet, my name is Clancy Overall, joined by Errol Parker and Effie Bateman. Has anyone heard from Wendell? Yes, he's just arrived in the British Virgin Islands, he's meeting with our accountant... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_u_s_shoots_down_chinese_spy_balloon_fbi_searches_biden_s_beach_house_snl | It's Weekend Up Day with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Up Day. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotting crossing the United States, officially ending history's mos... |
TheOnion | Niece_To_Eat_You_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_6 | I'm at Dinner Kingdom in Trenton, New Jersey to see if their roast pig really is fit for a king. My excitement doth grow, my lord. Let's go! The American Dream is having it all with a side of pork. This is Porkin' Across America. After the tragic deaths of my dog and my crack addicted niece Hannah and the graft of pig ... |
cracked | monster_management_improv | Oh, there was judgment in that answer. More than was warranted. So you do think that some judgment was warranted?
I'm sharing an idea with you that is very special to me. I love the idea. Tell me more about this great idea of yours, OK?
So it's an app. Yeah, it is an Apple phone application. You're getting into the a... |
TheOnion | Cardinals_Elect_New_Crisis_Management_Director | The word innovate is said over 24 million times at South by Southwest. NASA designers release a flirty new space skirt, and the newest episode of Girls features Lena Dunham shitting herself during a gyno exam while eating a burrito. As requested by your hundreds of thousands of desperate weekly emails, here is another ... |
cracked | 7_racist_and_sexist_ads_that_are_shockingly_recent_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and some advertisements are like that brief glimpse of the guy in the bear costume in The Shining, an arousing beacon of hope that you're not alone in a sexual wilderness, and other people a... |
SaturdayNightLive | bald_no_more_saturday_night_live | Man, are you bald? are you a nickname? cue ball, chrome dome, flat top, Kojak, skinhead, or baldy? do you comb your hair or do you polish it? Well, your worries are over because now there's a revolutionary new hair stimulant called Bald No More from the good people at the Hair Farm. Why look like this man? I am convinc... |
dropout | the_art_gallery_prank | Hey everybody, thanks so much for coming out.
This is Keisha, she's the artist. Her work is, I think, often about not what's on the canvas, but what's been left off.
Do you want to say anything? Well, I hope that great art speaks for itself. Is there anything else? Alright, enjoy.
Does this look like a constellation... |
dropout | very_mary_kate_instagram | Hmm, I don't love it. Can I have a take too? Okay. Okay, people, this is it. Five minutes. Hot points. You can take five. Is this black and white? Valencia. Sit there, please.
Can you tag me in this? Are you serious? What do you think about these pins? It's breakfast. Is she eating them? Nixa Pins. You're a genius. Yo... |
dropout | the_hunger_games_game | Boys and fighting to the death and kissing the Hunger Games The Hunger Games is now home games! Slaughter your opponents, survive at all costs, and find out who who who's got a crush on you! Just like Katniss Everdeen! Ooh, they're choosing tribute to fight!
Oh, I hope Peanut will be there. Duh, failure to attend is p... |
cracked | 6_stories_that_will_restore_your_faith_in_humanity | Six Pure idealism and I'm proud to present mr. Rogers to you now. All right, Rogers. You've got the flow We deal with such things as as The inner drama of childhood we deal with such things as getting a haircut Or the feelings about brothers and sisters and the kind of anger that arises in Simple family situations. We'... |
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